About Affairs

15 Sep

Should I Tell My Partner About The Affair?

Most likely if you are reading this you have been struggling with whether to tell your partner for a while. It’s natural to feel paralyzed, and unable to think deeply about your options. The issues involved can seem endlessly complicated; any route you take resulting in emotional upheaval for everyone involved. Revealing your affair will undoubtedly alter many important relationships in ways that you cannot predict or control. The situation is less difficult if you are clear that you want to leave your relationship for your new lover, but if you have now realized that in fact, you have made a mistake and want to save your primary relationship, or if you don’t yet know who you really want to be with, that is a different story and what I will be addressing here.

Honesty

Peggy Vaughn found that when the secret comes out, and the unfaithful partner reveals everything and takes responsibility for their behavior, 88% of marriages were able to heal. However, when the unfaithful partner clams up, blames the affair on the marriage, or lover and does not take responsibility or answer questions there is only a 55% relationship success rate. Honesty appears to be the best policy most of the time, but I’ll also be addressing instances where this might not be true.

Let’s start with the long-standing affair that is not just about sex, but feels like a meaningful and intimate relationship. You may not be able to bear the thought of losing either your primary relationship, or your lover, one may represent security and the other an aliveness and emotional freedom that you have never known before.

Disclosure works best if you are ready to relinquish the lover for the sake of your primary relationship, but this is not always the case. Your outraged partner may react with an ultimatum that you give up your lover immediately. You may comply out of fear of losing your primary partner, but if you comply before you are really ready, you cannot genuinely participate in the healing process. Furthermore, the odds are that you will maintain contact with the other woman/man even though you have promised not to. The injury of disclosure is painful enough without your partner feeling jerked around on top of it. If you disclose the affair and tell you partner it is over, but continue seeing the lover secretly you are pouring gasoline on a fire; the worst part of an affair for many is feeling like a fool for having trusted their partner.

So the first part of the journey is coming to grips with what you want for yourself and the inevitable losses this will entail, no matter who you pick. It may be hard to admit what you know deep down; that neither your lover nor your primary partner can really help you with this decision.

Sometimes the situation demands that you disclose before you are ready to chose. It is important to be as honest as possible, to not promise anything that you aren’t sure you can deliver, and honor your own need to take time to sort things out. Try to stay honest; you may feel hopeless, but eventually you will achieve some clarity. And staying honest will slowly help you start to heal your own self esteem.

Once you have decided to relinquish the lover, healing will involve creating a new foundation that feels secure for both of you. Your partner needs a deep down, gut feeling that they can trust you, and more importantly, can trust their own experience of you. Once the affair is disclosed, this sense of security is shattered. The only chance it has of being put back together is if you are willing to make what has happened an open book, and remain present for the pain this will put your partner through, which means living with intense guilt and anxiety for a while. You can also expect to feel angry and resentful at times, and a wish to escape. It is during this process, however, over a period of time, that bits of trust will be experienced and hopefully eventually gather together into something solid. Once this occurs, relationship issues that predate and may have contributed to the affair can be addressed.

I have witnessed over and over again how going through this healing process creates a closeness that feels very new. There is no quick fix. How long the healing will take depends on the the quality of the affair in terms of length, depth, levels of deception, and the quality of the primary relationship before the affair.

So, you might feel like you are protecting your partner from pain by not disclosing, but as you can see, it’s not that simple.

One final thought; by not telling, you are denying your partner their right to know the truth and making his or her own decisions about how to deal with it. By disclosing and expressing your desire to stop the other relationship and repair the one you have, you have a chance to go through the stages of healing together in a deep and authentic way.

Non-disclosure

Is there another side to this? Yes. Living with someone for 10, 20 or more years brings innumerable stressors that couples respond to in the best way they can. The level of intimacy may have decreased over the years of struggling with bills, children, careers, home ownership, etc. The magic may be gone, but the relationship provides a sense of identity and safety. You know if you tell, this can be wiped out for your partner. In this part of thinking this through, you need to step back and take a good look at your partner, and their level of emotional fragility and dependency on you. It is true that some have their spirit broken when they find out, in ways that can never be repaired. Can you predict this? No. But you can consider factors such as your partner’s history. Did his or her parents have affairs? Was he or she abandoned by one or both because of it? Is your partner an incest survivor who never believed she could trust another man until you? Does he or she suffer from anxiety and depression that predates the affair? What kind of support system does the partner have? Considering these factors doesn’t mean you still might not opt to disclose, but making sure support systems such as friends, family, therapy, clergy, etc. are in place when you do so might be very important

There is the line of thought that says that disclosing the affair is selfish, relief is sought similar to going to confession, that true penance is living with the secret yourself, and rededicating yourself to making your relationship work. It is important to examine your motives for disclosing. Are you doing it to unburden yourself from guilt? If so I would suggest that you consider the fact that your partner is not the right person to help you with this. The only way you could be unburdened is to be completely forgiven. This would restore your sense of goodness and security. However, your partner will be in no position to forgive you for a long time. If you are forgiven right away, most likely your partner is terrified to let you know how devastated he or she is and is hoping to prevent you from leaving by not being difficult. True forgiveness can only come after a thorough working through of all of the feelings involved, in some ways like healing from post-traumatic stress disorder.

Hopefully, reading this has helped you to consider some of the issues involved in disclosure. I encourage you to give yourself time to prepare for this step, securing support for yourself beforehand. It will also be important to remember that although you may have behaved badly, you are not a bad person. It’s important to remember this because your partner might not agree and in their initial rage may do everything in their power to make you feel awful about yourself. This is a natural response. There is a fine line between taking responsibility for your actions and becoming self-destructive. Staying present for your partner’s reactions involves standing by yourself as well.

If all of this feels too difficult to do on your own, therapy can be a tremendous source of support and clarity, either for you individually, or with your partner.

page_id=20

53 Responses to “Should I Tell My Partner About The Affair?”

  1. 1
    Anonymous Says:

    I have met a man, it started off very innocently, just talking about his family and mine, sharing pictures, etc. Just like meeting a new friend and getting to know about each other. I enjoyed this, I received many compliments, kind words, that Ihave been missing for years from my spouse. I began to look forward to our talks, every night we chatted. Then, out of the blue, he suggested we meet for dinner and conversation. I was all for it, we tentively planned to meet.Then the guilt was ever present with me, I did want so much to meet him, but was extremely nervous about it. I told him that I could not do it. He was hurt, I know. I felt so bad that I told him, no. So I let him know that I still wanted to meet him.So once again the date was set up. I know without him to talk to. I will fall back into my lonely life. My husband is always angry,tired, from his work, plus our love life has ended due to illness on his part. I could go on and on but this is the crux of my life. Am I a bad person. I have feelings that are repressed. What shall I do. I am so torn. I want to be his friend, because he makes me happy with his complements etc. But I do not want a affair. Please help me. I am miserable, But it is not fair to do that to him.

  2. 2
    Anonymous Says:

    I dont know if you should be ashamed. But I have the same situation. We were colleagues and one day we started seeing each other. The relationship was like on fire and we behaved the way we never did to our spouses. Like telling bad words, being mean, threatening to break up and just like seeing if we really like each other. The other part is sex. Even though we fight all the time this part is the most wanted part. I guess this has to do with what is missing in my marriage. But I feel so happy to be loved and wanted again. And I dont really feel guilty. Because it happens to everyone. You cant fill in your needs to be careless in life problems, loved, wanted and be sexy in your marriage after some years. So if you found someone who is reliable and who is into you, I dont think you should loose it. Just be good wife and good lover at the same time and enjoy richness of life. Almost everyone face this situation, but they never tell anyone. Only thing you shouldnt do is confessing to your husband about it. It will kill him and his selfconfidence.

  3. 3
    Anonymous Says:

    Unfortunately that doesn’t work, being a good wife and a good lover with your husband and a lover. It will get to be too much to handle. Especially if you are already questioning it. Being a good wife means to be truthful to your spouse. Hey I am not judging because it does happen to a lot of people, it is very easy to get sucked into a relationship outside the marriage, it is exciting, fun, dangerous and devastating to everyone in the family unit. At first everything is just wonderful like dating someone, but then what happens is it get’s old and your lover will start to take you for granted just like you husband does. Men cheat for sex most of the time and women cheat because they are lonely most of the time. What happens when you find out this man really just enjoys the sex and at the end of the day really doesn’t love you.

  4. 4
    Anonymous Says:

    You could be on a path that leads to excruciating mental anguish that lasts for years. You stand to lose your reputation, your job, and your family….not to mention your own self respect. That’s on your side of the coin. On your spouse’s side, the impact will be devestating….and the fault will be yours. Try waking up your spouse….tell him your through living the kind of life you two have slumped in to. You’ll be surprised that there are always two sides of the coin. His story and yours. I am telling you from first hand experience that affairs can destroy lives. Take the high road while you still have a chance….use this as a springboard to make the changes in your marriage needs. You may find out that your own marriage is just not to be and that changes are needed there too. Beleive me, in the end you can take pride that you made the “right” decisions. I know how hard it is. Goo luck.

  5. 5
    Anonymous Says:

    As a cheated on husband, here’s my thoughts. My wife says much of the same things as you; that the passion and love in our relationship had been gone for sometime. She found a lover (3 in fact) who was very kind to her. It started off as friends, they could talk about their marital problems with each other.

    Here’s my advice. Give your husband a chance. For your marriage to work, your husband needs to know how tenuous your marriage is. Tell him that you are close to having an affair. Tell him what you need out of your marriage. Your husband (and you) deserve to have a chance at making your marriage work, but YOU need to be honest with your husband and tell him what you’re feeling.

  6. 6
    Anonymous Says:

    I had gone back and forth with whether to confess to my husband, my affair was 2 yrs ago and we were in a very bad time in our marrige, we were seperated and going to counseling and all the sudden another man walked into my life and flattered me. Just four days ago I confessed to my husband, and I asked myself whether it was being selfish or just to relieve the burden. But you know what, I fell into a deep depression, I started having panic attacks, I began drinking heavily and my husband was witnessing all of this, but mostly I didn’t feel that we could move forward in our marriage, I could barely have a good time with him, tell him I love him or make love to him with out thinking, is this how we would be if he knew. I wanted our marriage to be real again, I was disgusted with myself and beat myself up everyday about doing something so foolish that woul hurt my best-friend, husband and love. Our marriage was fake and not real, I skirted around certain topics to not have to talk about our times of seperation, I couldn’t even watch a movie about cheating with out feeling anxious.
    Lastly, my husband deserves to choose whether he wants to stay with me after such actions. In the end, we have talked it out, he had his questions, I answered, yes he is hurt but you know what, I think we both know that there is too much love and time invested into US to throw it all away. I almost did and was ready to face the consequences, because there was no way I was going to go on in my marriage with such betrayal. I truly believe in the sayin that sometimes affairs can strengthen your marriage because what the cheated on spouse also needs to realize is that they’re partly the reason the spouse cheated and the cheated spouse needs to realize that they are as well. Maybe some affairs simply happen for the pure enjoyment of sex, but most the time there are underlying issues that need to be addressed.
    I feel good about my decision to confess, but then again I have a wonderful man that loves me very much and is willing to sit down and talk it all out, I’ve heard of other outcomes being much worse, only you can decide whether you have faith in your marriage and eachtoher.

  7. 7
    Anonymous Says:

    Thank you is all I have to say.. :-(

  8. 8
    Anonymous Says:

    My husband refuses to tell me the truth. He refuses to face the issues in our marriage that led up to his affair. He became mean and violent with me, and I had no idea what was going on until I found out about the affair. I was actually a lot of fun to be with and loved being with him, working together and raising our family. He obviously became disatisfied with our life, because he chose to go outside of our marriage for a relationship instead of coming to me and telling me that he wasn’t happy. He continues to be a coward, and will not own up to what he has done to me and to our family. It has been a nightmare, and I can’t begin to heal from this unless he is willing to man-up. I have tried to create a safe place for him to open up, but I think he is afraid that he will only hurt me worse by telling me the truth. In my opinion, it’s better to tell the truth to your spouse and then move forward from there. The marriage deserves that.

    As for me, I have now become a person that I don’t like very much. I am hurt and devastated beyond belief. I never expected this to happen in our marriage. I was completely blind sided. I know a bit about the circumstances of this affair…it happened in our business with a very dear friend of the family who lost her husband to cancer about 3 years ago. We took her into our family, and she decided that she liked my husband more than she valued our friendship. She has two kids to raise, and she saw my husband as an opportunity to make her life easier. One thing lead to another, and before I knew it, I was the one who was taking care of my child and her kids, and she was taking care of my husband. How convenient. How sad. A double betrayal and now our children have been affected by all of this.

  9. 9
    Anonymous Says:

    I never imagined how much anguish an affair could cause until I found out about my husband’s affair. I am gradually starting to feel more normal after six or seven weeks of knowing, but not without a lot of reassurance from him that he loves me and felt trapped in the affair, and not without many days of being depressed, anxious, and paranoid. He says he has never known me to be more needy. He thought I would be angry, but not devastated. I didn’t even realize the depth of my own love for him until I found out he had become involved with someone else and it caused all the walls I had built around myself to crumble within a matter of hours.

    Sometimes my need for his reassurance and his presence makes him feel smothered, but he understands why it’s important for me to be with him and to be reassured frequently. He’s told me a lot about every aspect of their relationship. I realize he wasn’t fully himself when this was going on. He did things like take special gift bags that I had purchased to wrap gifts for the girlfriend…if she only knew – that stuff wasn’t even picked out by him…it was nabbed from our family closet. That man you thought was so thoughtful was taking advantage of his wife’s preparations for future family gifts. Anyway, knowing all this helps me come to terms with it, yet makes me feel more fragile than I’ve ever felt. I realize I can’t build walls around my love for him any longer, and that if there’s anger between us, we need to deal with it so the walls don’t go up. I realize that by not showing my love and acting on it, I contributed to his decision to seek out an affair partner. Thank goodness for the solid foundation our relationship was initially built on back when we got married over 26 years ago. Without that, I don’t know if we would be able to put the pieces back together. Right now, we are getting the help and the information we need, and I can see the beginnings of a better marriage than ever. I just need to put the agony behind me. And I will, but I will also be patient with myself.

  10. 10
    Anonymous Says:

    I am married and I have just ended a 8 month affair with a married man. Only 1 month of the affair occurred while living in the same state. Most of my affair has occurred over emails, phone calls and the occasional visits where he would come see me.
    We were working at the same company. I had always noticed him and felt an immediate attraction and appreciation for him. I even found myself asking around about him nonchalantly to other coworkers to find out details about him such as his name, which group he worked in, on and on. Years passed and every time I would see him while walking around work my heart would flutter, I would get giddy, like I was a 5 year old about to get some ice cream. It was ridiculous and I would always scream at myself…’Knock it off, what is wrong with you??? YOU ARE MARRIED!!!’ But soon enough I would see him again and those feelings would come back, the best way for me to describe it now is that it felt like ‘life’ was flooding into my body. I was in love with him before I even spoke to him. I had never felt this way about anyone, not even my husband.
    My marriage was fine. Great. My husband and I were best buds. We had a great time together, never fought, sex was kind and careful. We have had a different type of mar rage, we would have relations with other couples from time to time. I remember one instance in a hot tub. Our very good friend and his girlfriend were out with us one night. It had been a long night of drinking and we went back to his place to hang out in the hot tub. We all started messing around with each other, but not too long into the session it was more about my husband and our friend’s girlfriend. I remember sitting there, with my friend, laughing about the ‘great time those two were having’ and not caring about it one bit. I was watching my husband have sex with another woman and I could have cared less. Even the next day I was still fine with it, I truly did not care. This was a giant red flag for me.
    More time passed and I attended a convention with my work. There was a group of us that included, Him. When I saw Him in line at the airport I felt my knees buckle and almost give out on me entirely. I had a complete panic attack. I knew there was a huge possibility that I would be speaking with him soon.
    At the convention I stayed away from him the best I could and was doing a great job. I would leave if he approached the group, I sat no where near him during meetings, I declined lunches and dinners with the group if he was going, I ignored him completely. Until one night. I had been out with some ladies from work for dinner and drinks. On our way back to our rooms we stopped for one last drink at a little bar in our hotel. We walked in laughing and chatting, I went to the bar and found myself standing right next to Him. I looked over and we made eye contact, it was as if the rest of the planet ceased to exist. He asked if he could buy me a drink and before I could think to say ‘No’ I had already said ‘Yes’.
    We walked back to where the rest of our group was sitting and we sat next to each other. We would make eye contact, smile, laugh, look away. It was pure silliness. I felt like I was 13 all over again sitting next to my first crush. We stayed for quite awhile not speaking until I, being the most terrible, idiotic, effed up person on the planet lost all self control, nudged him and said…’I've had the biggest crush on you for about 4 years’. It was like another person was speaking though me….I could not believe I had said something like that. He looked at me and said ‘The feeling is quite mutual.’ I got up from the couch and went back to my room. I was happy, upset, disgusted, mad…I remember smacking my own face in the elevator as hard as I could. The ball was in motion and even though I tried and tried and tried I could not fight it.
    About a month later we had an affair. He left his wife. I moved away with my husband’s new job. He begged me to leave my husband and be with him. But I couldn’t and still can’t do it. Through all of this, I have come to love my husband even more. My affair made my marriage stronger. I know people will disagree with me in a heartbeat. But for me, now, today…all I care about is my husband. I have been to hell and back and all I care about is my husband.
    Now, I am in a deep struggle about whether or not to tell him. I cry about it everyday. I can’t sleep. Every time I look at him all I can think is…’I'd rather lie to him than lose him’. I don’t want to hurt him. I’d rather carry this 100 ppund filthy secret on my back for the rest of my life than hurt him. I feel like from this day forward I will love and devote myself completely to him, be the best wife and hopefully one day mother I can be and keep moving forward.
    I will have to seek some sort of counseling to put myself back on my feet. I hate myself over this. Everyday I struggle to look at myself in the mirror, I have no idea who the woman is looking back at me.
    I think that because I felt nothing when my husband was with another woman I was lost and confused. I felt like I should have cared. And because I didn’t I was a little numb…like all I wanted was to be passionate. I wanted to love foolishly, and be completely insane over someone like I was with Him. It felt so good, it felt right, it felt like I was actually alive and was capable of being loved as He would say…’unconditionally’ He made me feel amazing, like a woman. I had never experienced that before and I slipped. I couldn’t even catch myself, I just let myself fall. And I am paying for the consequences of my actions and it is devestating.

  11. 11
    Anonymous Says:

    what about the children in all of this???

  12. 12
    admin Says:

    To #11,
    I have written several posts entitled “How Do Affairs Effect Children.” I hope they answer your questions. Susan Berger, MFT

  13. 13
    Anonymous Says:

    I have read everyone’s insightful postings and have learned that no one is an island unto themselves. So, many of you spoke the truth. I have been married for 8 years to my best friend. The affair I am having is because of my own self-esteem issues. He makes me feel good about myself. I have never felt fully appreciated by my husband. There are many underlying issues with the reasons why I cheated. One major reason is because, my husband was once with a man in college. I forgave him, but have never forgotten the betrayal.

  14. 14
    Anonymous Says:

    I went outside of my marraige and had an affair, (Still am) with an ex boyfriend (Long story short) I was made to break up with him when I was 16 years old. I moved on and married my next boyfriend after dating him for 2 years. Home life wasn’t so great and had it been better, I don’t think I would have married him. But after 10 years of marraige (almost 11) I went outside of my marraige, my affair has been going on since January and It is now almost July. My husband knows that I talk to my ex, but he does not know just HOW much I talk to my ex. My husband and I have not had sex since January, I don’t want him to touch me, would prefer him to move out, but he wont. I want a divorce, the husband wont sign the papers, and I want out of here. With my kids. I’m 30 years old and I feel so trapped, alone, and scared. The Ex- Is my soulmate, the passion that is between us (not during sex) IS so awesome. DURING.. Yeah, It’s all there. Perfect. Priceless. I Am going to keep the affair going as long as I have to (Until I can get out of here).
    Any clue where I go from here?

  15. 15
    Anonymous Says:

    #10 – you are a fool. go and get that man – a soul connection like that comes only ONCE in a lifetime.

  16. 16
    Anonymous Says:

    This goes out to all you males or females that have a ‘cheating’ partner: This is real information here but YOU HAVE TO OPEN YOUR EARS and LISTEN, otherwise I might as well currently, right now, be talking to a tree or even the ground! So at least please be fair and rational as you read this, yes? My History: I am the married guy that found himself in an affair with a single woman, starting about three years ago. My wife and I have been married for over eight years and three years ago I found myself in the company of a pretty female that immediately felt like someone I’ve known for years. I am a very good looking guy and have always had girls and women flirt with me.. I’ve never had a problem with finding the right kind of charm that women seem to be attracted to. Sometimes its just too easy.. Well this pretty female (I’ll say “PF” for name’s sake) and I got along really well immediately after we met and from all the women I’ve met while being married, not one came close to comparing with PF.. not even close. Well believe it or not, I’m the type of guy that didn’t have sex until I met my life soul mate, my wife, and in our eight years of marriage, not one girl, not even one, was able to cause me to fall for her. My wife is THAT BEAUTIFUL.. The greatest girl on earth. Well in any case, after I met this other pretty and WONDERFUL female and, I got along with her so well that we immediately felt we had known each other very well before somewhere.. I would say we knew each other in a past life, but I really do not believe in past lives, sorry. At first my wife didn’t know anything about our affair and I treated PF like just a friend when the three of us were together. Eventually my wife became ‘aware’ and the cat was out of the bag not too soon after. At first she was devastated and we had some very hard and serious times. I was still very much in love with my wife but also felt such great love for PF that I JUST COULD NOT give either up. I TRIED REALLY HARD to stop seeing PF and then kept trying to stop seeing her so hard that I actually became sick and started losing weight because I was so heartbroken and sad. My heart ached with stinging pain for these two women and I would have these horrible nights finding any sleep or comfort.. My wife and PF are these creatures that came into my life and I felt DEAD inside without being able to have both. My wife at first didnt accept the new situation.. she was outraged and COMPLETELY hurt beyond anything.. I had put her through pure grief and there were many times when I almost lost her. I poured my heart out to her and told her EVERYTHING.. not just what happened but EVERY LITTLE feeling that I found inside me.. I put in all on the table for her to see. That didnt work.. she was even more outraged! My wife was hurt for months.. PF and I even stopped having sex and would just kiss and hug… And I told my wife that she has every right to divorce me and that I would give her the house and literally EVERYTHING.. and that I would never fight her in court. I also expressed deeply that I would never be the same without her, even if PF and I got married. I made it clear to my wife that I understand I will never be able to redeem myself in her eyes and told her that I will always know that I screwed up big time and that she was perfect.. that I’ve always felt such great love from her and that she has always been there for me and given me way more than I could ever come close to giving her. After many months more my wife came to me one day with tears in her eyes and started apologizing and sobbing, saying she was sorry over and over again. I was besides myself! She explained that she never realized how much I loved PF and how she finally understood that for me to give up PF would be like not having my her, my wife! She explained how she didnt see how the connection I had to PF was like the one I had with her, and for me to not have PF is like not having my wife anymore.. how her and PF are now one to me. We talked so much about everything.. sometimes just my wife and I, other times PF and me, and as well many more times the three of us sit out in the back yard and talk our heads off. With the three of us together we now have an advantage over many couples.. even though I would hold against freely recommending everyone try it: IT IS SO HARD AT FIRST, WITH MANY RISKS OF LOSING BOTH.. BUT SO WORTH IT IF THE THREE OF YOU SEE EACH OTHER AS ONE. We combine our income and are able to cover so much more ground in all general areas of life.. there is always someone there and we share our responsibilities in a way that gives us a lot more time and freedom to live life and have great happy moments loving each other. My wife and PF are straight and generally do not find pleasure in each other unless its for me. We usually make love in separate bedrooms and I always MAKE SURE to please both NO MATTER WHAT… this means a orgasm for both, not just quitting half way. Its extra work sometimes but just as well.. I’m speechless… ITS THE GREATEST THING IN THE WORLD!!!! I did make a mistake that day, three years ago.. I betrayed my wife and all her trust in me and put her through hell.. complete hell! But my wife is the greatest in girl in the world and even though I still don’t deserve her, I am fortunate enough to be able to say she REALLY REALLY LOVES ME… and not just loves me… loves me UNCONDITIONAL!! See? The love our society has is CONDITIONAL. Humans are not meant to have orgies and wild times sleeping around.. they should choose a partner for life (sex) and realize what the actual words “..FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE” mean. Today, for most, love is not unconditional and today’s love says: “I LOVE YOU.. But you BETTER only love me or else I wont love you anymore!” Yes, people should not break apart families.. people should have respect and utter love for their soul mate or partner! But if your soul mate or partner DOES MESS UP.. aren’t you already in the process of breaking up the family and in that fog of anger.. where’s the utter love.. the unconditional love? For most.. that love is long gone and not even a trace can sometimes be found! This is the true test of LOVE.. if YOU REALLY want to know if your guy or girl is really even yours in the first place.. in situations like that you have to set them free. If they return to you, they were always yours but if they don’t, they were never yours in the first place. Love is greater than anger or hate.. Unconditional love will heal even the devastated places and bring solidness to broken bridges that could have otherwise never been able to stand the weight of the hurt that anger and hate is going to pass through there. I don’t belong to ANY religion.. no offense meant but religion silly, but I do believe in a creator who takes care of the things we need.. a creator that gave us EVERYTHING we need, and even puts it in our hands! Not all things always work out.. just as some couples break up because they lose interest in each other BUT NEVER CHEAT, yet other will break up because one of them cheated and the other can’t get over it.. IT HAPPENS, we are HUMANS: People love people and sometimes even two! Who says that not right? WHO? You ancestors? Your momma and pappa? What is the norm? Why? Just because in THIS TIME, IN THIS DAY, we as a society MAKE IT THE NORM to say, “you must only be in love with one!”? Who made that rule? Not nature.. We have programmed ourselves with a system that is set for failure and is the REASON why 50% of marriages end in divorce and why MOST couples break up.. it’s that moment where one of them meets another person.. and they happen to ‘love’ that person simply because they find a deeper meaning.. it that moment where this ‘love’ system fails and why most couples are feeling misery. This is not a way to say its okay, go have all the sex you want with just anyone that tickles you.. everyone does that. This is about finding out that your lover has another lover.. and finding out that your lover is in love with someone else – either way, work on it or move on and cut your loss.. but anger and hate will never bring back what you had and neither will constant resentment. My wife tells me now that HER LOVE brought me back. I LOOOOOOVE MY WIFE SO MUCH…

  17. 17
    Anonymous Says:

    Number 12: In you writings you fail to mention how damaging it is to children, especially in today’s times, to not have at least one parent at home at all times.

    A child’s development, especially in the early stages, will be significantly determined by the character(s) of the adults that raised them. Children will be greatly influenced by the caretaker(s) and their upbringing will be determined by either a parent or a stranger.

    Studies show that children with one or more parent at home at all times will generally have a much greater advantage in many ways than those children who are, especially from early stages, raised by stranger, even nice ones.

    If your lover falls in love with someone else, the chances are great that you WILL lose them.

    WHY?

    In ALMOST all cases, its because you could not accept that your lover loves someone else and got so offended that it became impossible for your lover to continue being able to live with you:

    Your feelings of hurt and the anger you unleashed on your lover basically said one thing:

    “PICK ME OR PICK YOUR NEW LOVER, NOW!”

    If your lover happens to now feel that they love another lover as well, chances are (not always!) that they still love you too, JUST THE SAME!

    Humans are capable of loving more than just one person. In moderation!!!!

    If your lover falls for another and also yet still loves you, then you have, most likely, two options:

    1. Accept your new lover and their new lover – It may or may not last, like any new relationship (maaany new relationships don’t last anyways)

    2. Reject the idea that they could possibly fall for someone else as well and love them as they love you, and request to end your current relationship with them, so that you can move on and find another lover that lives in the same world you do, where people only love in sets of two. Maybe you’ll find a lover that will never find themselves attracted to another person.. a lover for you that will only love you, and you only.

    What your lover is doing by falling for another lover is out of love.. what you are doing for wanting to be the only one loved, you’re doing because you’re selfish: You only want your lover to love you – who cares if they are heartbroken, huh..? (People can’t help it when they love.. you’re lover doesn’t have a switch they can flip and pop, off goes that love for their new lover! Wow, isn’t it so simple!

    If you accept your lover’s new lover, respect is the key and the basic foundation you will need to maintain is this: Friendship, Respect, and Love. If each of you now have those three, your children will not suffer as they would have if you had broken up with your lover and divorced! It will be required that you talk to them CONTINUALLY and let them know that sometimes two mommies or two daddies are better than one! You can explain that this new person is going to be around from now on (just as you would if you were divorced and were dating and had children! Sensible!) and if love grows in the home, the children will always have a better advantage with more parents around, and more flexibility to have someone always there for them at home! Day car costs would go away and someone you and your lover can really trust is now a third heart that will be able to keep up the definition of “family” in this crazy world where almost every child is raised by a stranger because the strain on the financial (or general) strain on the parents require them to be away at work and not available. Craaazy..

    Number 12 – What hurts kids the most is not a cheating lover.. but the anger the non-cheating lover shows and feels, which finally causes the home to be broken. What hurts kids the most is a lack of love and understanding. All this is PURE LOGIC and please do not apply religion or tradition to support your views, because we live in TODAY’S time and the world is ready to see that divorce rate change for the better. That divorce rate is so bad because it is set on a failing system.. with outdated views and traditions that are long gone and appear to have vanished.

    LOGIC LOGIC LOGIC: One Plus One Equals TWO! TWO PLUS ONE EQUALS THREE!! Its easier to accept it than to say it is not so! LOGIC!

  18. 18
    Anonymous Says:

    Hai Iam 21 years old , i started to fall in love at the age of 19 we both started loving each other and we had sex also when ever we meet we use to have sex , but now he married some one else , and now iam lonely my parents are planning to marry me but iam very guilty to marry some one and after marriage should i want to tell about my affair to my husband or not this is my question and pls can you reply for this

  19. 19
    Dominica Fly Says:

    I am so amazed at how terrific the info is on this website. I have bookmarked this page and I truly plan on visiting the site in the next few days. Great job keep up the fantastic work!

  20. 20
    Anonymous Says:

    It would be nice if some people would use proper punctuation, or at the very least, break up your posts into paragraphs! My eyes are about to roll out of my head. :)

  21. 21
    Anonymous Says:

    # 17
    i am stunned by the things you are saying, why is the person that is getting cheated on and betrayed, selfish? the cheater gets to sleep with two people and enjoy themselves, while the one be cheated on is betrayed and feeling hurt. there is nothing wrong with wanting a faithful partner, so the one cheated on has to be faithful and just put up with their partner loving someone else?

    its sounds to me that your justifying people that are cheating, when you cheat you are hurting your partner and your kids, the cheater is the one destroying the home, the one cheated on has every right in the world to be angry, they are not the ones breaking up the home.

    if a person feels that they cant be faithful, do the kind thing and break up with your partner, or try to fix your relationship that is the right and not cowardly thing to do. i would have respected my dad more if he had divorced my mom rather than cheat on her with some sl%t from the neighborhood, my mom put up with a lot of disrespect from him and on top of that she has to put up with being cheated on, is that what your saying? plus, most people that cheat are people that are miserable, and they think that by cheating they’ll be happy, when the problem is not even with the relationship but with themselves.

    i cant believe you would suggest that its “selfish” to want your husband to love you and be faithful, no relationship is easy and that doesnt give you the excuse to destroy your relationship by cheating. cheating is never the answer, be hoenst with your partner, if you cant save your relationship be man enough or woman enough to break up. my mom told my dad if he was ever unhappy in their relationship to please break up with her, that she would prefer that to be cheated on. and dont give me the excuse of not telling the truth for the kids sake, if the cheated cared about the kids he wouldnt cheat, knowing that it could hurt the partner, the kids, and their lives.

  22. 22
    Anonymous Says:

    #14
    there is obviously something emotionally wrong with you, you’ve cheated more than once. something inside you is making you unhappy and you are blaming the men in your life. you need therapy to figure out whats wrong with you otherwise you will keep cheating on and hurting innocent people.

  23. 23
    Anonymous Says:

    #17

    Why do you characterize the person being cheated on as betrayed? Betrayal comes in many forms. If one spouse does not provide love and support; physical and emotional intimacy or appreciation to the other spouse, then they are also betraying the trust. While it is true that a percentage of cheaters are habitual; in most cases there are two sides to the story. Why should a spouse who places his/her significant other low on their list of priorities get to play the victim if they stray?

  24. 24
    Anonymous Says:

    #17 I didn’t know that morality changed with the times. Isn’t that just lowering the bar! It’s never right to cheat no matter what the circumstances. The vows of marriage are an actual contract. Why shouldn’t we respect the union? I can’t believe how many people try to justify away their horrible pathetic character! Stay out of other peoples marriages. You never know – they may actually have a chance without YOU in the middle!

  25. 25
    Anonymous Says:

    I am reading all of these posts in hopes that I can understand my wife and what has happened. She went away about 100 miles for a conference. She hardly ever travels for her job and I believed we had a solid marriage. Something is different this time. She had bariatric surgery about 18 months ago and lost more than half her body weight. She took up running and she looks fairly good for a 58 year old woman. She is also good at her job ad makes a good living. She went to the conference and on the second night went down to the bar after dinner. She had her computer along and we were send IM’s back and forth. One bad side effect of the surgery is her inability to tolerate alcohol and that is one big reason I stayed online with her. If she was getting too tipsy I was going to tell her. This was pre arranged. Thing were going fine and then suddenly I get a message that says, “Visiting..I’ll be back”. That was it for the better part of 4 hours. She didn’t answer her phone, and her computer was totally shut down. Then about midnight she calls and says everything is fine and that she was just talking to other women (these are teachers) at the conference. Now I suspect that she was a little drunk and with that new body of hers I can imagine that she felt pretty damned sexy. I also believe that she spent the evening with another man. Can I be sure? When she came home I fished a pair of her panties out of the laundry and also sent for one of those semen test kits. The test was positive for semen in her underwear.
    Since she has come home she has been her old self. We have had more sex, had some really deep conversations, and she has been more attentive than ever. We had a few last weekend and I made a remark about her trip hoping that she would confess everything which she of course did not. We talked about trust and love and she told me that the only thing she was doing was talking to some other teachers. Oh how my heart breaks. I will tell all of you right now that I would forgive her in an instant. Our life together is that good. I have felt physically ill when I think of her holding on to that secret. Now we have reached an impasse. She suspects that I know something and I do know something. But how will I ever get her to tell me?

  26. 26
    Anonymous Says:

    Tell her you had her panties tested.. She will be mad at you, but you wont be able to move on knowing this and keeping it a secret

  27. 27
    Anonymous Says:

    #21
    I wish more people felt the way you do. To do the right thing. I hate people that cheat. The sneaky, snake-like behavior is so trashy/pathetic?
    I am describing my wife of twenty five years, and every day, I struggle with her nasty behavior. Why I stay is because I built my life around her. I depended on her for my joy in life, and the things we had together. So sad.
    Nick

  28. 28
    Anonymous Says:

    I guess I will add my two cents to this. I had an emotional affair. I feel very deeply in love with a co worker, and he for me as well. I did not sleep with him; I went only as far as kissing him a couple of times. Never saw him naked…not sure if it matters though.

    I left my partner after 5 months of this affair, and within two weeks of doing so, my lover started telling me that he didn’t think we had enough in common. I was totally devastated; still am.

    My ex, he one I broke up with, still lives in my house and I am struggling with whether I should tell him about the affair. We are not in a relationship though we are still friends, but I come home from work every day and I am visibly very sad. My ex can’t understand why. I am wondering if I should tell him why, and let him make a decision as to whether he still wants to live in my house. It is a constant weight on my shoulders.

  29. 29
    Anonymous Says:

    My lover and I were lovers 26 years ago while he was dating his curent wife. I wanted him to chose and he could not so I left the situation and disapperared for many years. About a 18 months ago I called him and he called back in shock . He had looked for me for a long time. He had a lot of stresses in his life but we instantly felt the same. It is true love but he has children that are alomst grown ,he still has some feeling for her , he has a lifetime of memories with her family and then me on the other side. He is split in half. She found out although he told her it was a few months, nothing physical although there are pictures of him and I.
    He promised no contact but was unable to keep that up after 6 weeks. She called me and I was not honest for him but now I told him I would tell her the truth if she calls me again.Our relationship has continued. I have told him I cannot continue with less than I have had but he will continue to call me. He is the love of my life and fits on every level.
    Only time will tell.

  30. 30
    Anonymous Says:

    I have been married for 14 years (love at first sight) we have a son (10 years old) and we’re currently living in separate states (money worries).

    My husnband was seriously sick for a few years, our sex is not regular, sometimes we go without having it for months and months…

    I have met someone that I feel very close to, very sexually aroused and I think I have started developing intense feelings for him.
    When I’m with him I stop thinking of what I’m doing and kind of see no wrong in expressing my feelings, or kissing and hugging him…

    I haven’t yet slept with him as I’m so scared of my guilty conscience…how will I be dealing with it if it happens…yet I enjoy feeling this way, haing someone so interested in me, he gives me the feelign that it’s not just sex that he’s after..I’m so confused!!!

  31. 31
    Anonymous Says:

    Iv been with my husband 30 years and just found out that he had an affair 7 years ago. He says it was just sex. he met her in his work clothes after work at tea time in the back of her car he had done a job for her at her home. He so her once a week for a few months then it got less and less but went on for about 2 years, he never took her anywhere or bought her anything and only was with her for about half an hour most times.Im so devastated don’t no what to do at the time he was seeing her I admit I was preoccupied with my boys we have for one was 18 ,14, 7 and just 3 and my 3yr old was so hyperactive I had to have a nurse come once a week to give me a break. We had and still have a great life going out with friends all over and hotels, holidays, he is so upset over what he has done to hurt me he says he feels like ending it all, hes put 2 ads in the local paper saying how sorry he is and that he will wait forever for me. He has never left my side since I found out just before Christmas, he has even just took me abroad for the week which was lovely, he says he will do anything to try put things right, I do love him he has always done every thing for me so I don’t just get why he did it. He says never to blame myself its all his fault. I just don’t no if I can ever forgive him I want to but don’t no how. We have even been to counselling.

  32. 32
    Anonymous Says:

    i met the man i fell in love with 16 years ago, we started talking about old times and instantly knew the spark was still there, he was my bestfriends boyfriend and i could’nt carry on with the relationship. After 16 years he looked me up, we were both married and arranged to meet up (both curios of how eachother’s had turned out, that was 10 months ago, he left his wife for me after 2 months of getting in touch and i have since left my husband, we know we were ment to be together everything seems so natural, we are best friends, it’s like we’ve never been apart.

  33. 33
    Anonymous Says:

    At times the cheated is really the cheater , some people get married and abandon the dreams and plans they once had . You put your life on a back burner for your partner and he fails to notice or comment on your scrifice . that hurts my man has reduced me to a woman who lacks self esteeem he says the you can do it ! but does not provide the enabling atmosphere i have become physically and emotionally entangled with another who makes me feel secure because he invests time , money and sentiments on me .(all things my man does not have for me.)but o yes i love my husband i have told him about some of the gifts he thinks the other guy is just a friend . i will take the my betrayal to the grave if i can . i am sorry and i will changei will also stop the relationship from going sexual but i wont tell my man about any of it ,if i do he will cut me off forever !! better live with him and the guilt than without him and and the guilt. none of it is his fault just me thinking he was responsible for my life and happiness and when i realisd he wasn’t and only i am i went too far. i just wanted to see /feel what it was to be kissed by another man. one kiss for life was just too limiting wanted to see if my husbands kiss was really as good as i thought it was . and yeah it is his kissing is da best becoz he holds my heart .

  34. 34
    Anonymous Says:

    I married my best friend. We have been living together for 10 years, and have been married for two. We met in college, and I had only been in one serious relationship before this, which ended in me being cheated on (I was working too much… it was school). Not really a big deal.

    My wife and I have a fairly healthy relationship. She is the most physically and outwardly beautiful person that I have ever met (I live in New York City, so that is saying a lot). We cooperate very well together. We never, ever fight. We enjoy sex. We enjoy dancing, and also socializing. I love her family. Unfortunately, I’m not sure that I ever had feelings of love for her. Maybe I did and just can’t remember. I do love her though. And I recognize how amazing she is, and how fantastic she makes my life.

    I was appointed a new co-worker two years ago. We traveled all over the world together, to amazing, and exotic locations. We had to work lots and lots of late nights. Nothing happened for a year and a half. We would get drunk together, and just have a good time. No boundaries were ever crossed, even while completely blitzed. We had a great time, all of the time. She was a true friend. Then I started dreaming about her. I would wake up in the middle of the night, and my heart would be pounding. This happened every night for a month. I would wake up and she would be smiling next to me in bed, and I would say “Oh, there you are!” to my wife, who of course, was asleep, and I would snap out of it. Then anxiety started to kick in. (I should have confessed those feeling right there, FYI).

    Finally, we were on a tropical island, swimming in the water, and the bacteria was glowing (it was night). I don’t know why I did it, but I made a move. She rejected it, and then I realized that I was completely in love with her. We talked about it, and just made it our secret. She didn’t want to be the “other person”. I respected her more for that, which paradoxically made me like her more.

    A couple weeks later, we went running together (I’m a runner), and started climbing trees. It was snowing. I lifted her into the branch that I was on, and just like that, we hugged, and the world just stood still, and all I could do was breath deep and hold on. I knew that she loved me, and I loved her.

    Guilt.

    It went on, as it goes. For me, it was a purely an emotional affair. When I was with this person, I was TRULY happy. It was like our soul’s were touching.. like we were in a magical bubble. No intercourse (That was a line crosser for me), but whatever else. (Not good… badddd…) I began to try to leave my wife. I told her that I was in love with somebody else, and also her. The AP was romantic love. My love for my wife was real-”you’ve had ten wonderful years together” love. I didn’t know it was even there until we separated.

    The affair lasted two months (duration is of little consequence). My wife was utterly devastated, and that’s when I realized what a callous, lying, son-of-b, little sh*t, that I was. I eventually told her everything because she would ask, and I did not want to lie anymore. I didn’t want to hurt her either, but when somebody you care for asks, you tell the truth.

    I still tried to leave my wife, and took our relationship to the brink. When my AP started realizing that I was feeling really bad about what I was doing, she threw me out of her life, just like that.

    She still calls and texts, but I give those to my wife to answer… it’s heartless and goes against my love, which really hurts, but it’s what I have to do to get my trust back. I never, ever, respond. Not because I don’t want to, but because I have to choose; what kind of person am I going to be?

    My AP hates me now, because I didn’t leave my wife, and the implications of that are like treating somebody as second class. I treated her like garbage. We had an unspoken promise, or in my case, an actual promise, that I broke… but I also broke many to my wife. I will take that pain to the grave. Yes, I am an *!shole. I can only fix myself now and be honest to everybody.

    I had to quit my job. That was mucho dinero and glamour, gone. It’s worth it. I have plenty of other less exciting opportunities.

    It’s been months and my wife is still understandably utterly devastated. We are learning to meditate together. I am learning to cope, by treating my love for this other person as an addiction. I still feel empty. So does my wife. Probably, so does my AP.

    It’s going to be years of reassurances, back rubs, therapy, and little victories for us to feel whole again. My wife may never recover her inner vigor and self worth. I did that to her. I hate myself now. She still has a right to divorce me.

    I really hope my AP is ok. She tried to stop me, but I just kept pressing. I didn’t treat her like she deserved to be treated. I treated her as lover, not a friend. I needed to sort my own life out first, before doing anything. It’s not very romantic, or bold, or sexy, but the right thing to do for me, is to realize that you’re biology knows nothing of ethics, or other people’s feelings, and get outside of that somehow. We don’t live in a Hollywood movie. Small acts have HUGE consequences.

    All I can say is, DO NOT CHEAT. DON’T DO IT!!! It is not worth it, even if it’s what you think is your soul mate. You need space from this person of affection, and you need to talk about that person to somebody, maybe even your spouse, before boundaries are crossed. I wish that I could still have my friend back. But that ship has sailed (even before it started), and all I can do is move forward with my broken wife.

    The pain of an affair is not worth it to anybody!

  35. 35
    Anonymous Says:

    It is the feeling which hurt us all. If you do not cr4eate hurtful feeling by confessing your affair with others you have not done any wrong yet. But if you confess for whatever reason your primary relation is doomed which you do not sincerely desire.You cannot eat the cake and have it in the same time.

  36. 36
    Anonymous Says:

    #35, once you cross the line and cheat on your partner, you have set the wheels of deceit, betrayal and hurt in motion. From the moment you cross that line your primary relation is doomed. You will spend an incredible amount of energy thinking about the other person, hiding the relationship from your partner, dreaming of waking up near your other person instead of the one who shares your life. Your primary relation has become secondary, a nuisance…it’s in the way of your happiness. That you confess of not, you have done wrong already. You think confessing hurts people? CHEATING hurts people. CHEATING…

  37. 37
    Anonymous Says:

    affairs are a waste of time and energy. get out of the bad marriage or fix it

  38. 38
    Anonymous Says:

    I can’t get back the years that I wasted in a marriage where my husband cheated and kept it from me. I discovered the last affair and after a lot of detective work, I found out about the previous 4 or 5. I was never given a choice about whether to stay with him or go. Whether to expose myself to diseases and crazy affair partners or not. I wasn’t given the opportunity to find a fulfilling relationship with a man who respects and loves me enough to be faithful. I don’t have the opportunity to have children with someone who loves me. Those choices were removed from me…now there is no respect for him at all. I get to start all over at almost 50. Thanks a lot for that.

  39. 39
    Anonymous Says:

    #38. I hear you…stay strong. I am in the same boat at 50 also…Love yourself. You deserve it!

  40. 40
    Anonymous Says:

    Hello everyone. I am “only” 24 but I still feel the urge of posting here and sharing my thoughts and problem.
    The relationship between me and my partner has been a long-distance relationship from time to time as we come from different countries. For a few month now we finally have managed to move in together and live together for the coming year and I am as happy as anything. I am sure I want to stay with my partner and can see us marry after finishing university.
    Last year we could only see each other for several weeks. As I said, we come from different countries and are both students, so seeing each other on a regular basis was just not possible. We had to rely on mails and occasional phone calls (do you know how expensive international calls can get?).
    The last summer I met somebody else. We got along very well, could talk for hours and eventually we started an affair. It wasn’t only about sex, I also had feelings.
    Then, my partner found a possibility to move to my country. I broke of the affair. I felt misserable. Now, I am happy that my partner is here. We were also talking about the other person, the feelings I had, how emotionally confused I was. However, I left out the “sex-part”.
    As I said, my partner and me are doing fine, we are happy togehter and I would do anything not to lose my partner.
    I was talking about my affair with my best friends. I was thinking a lot and I guess I got everything figured out more or less. I want to stay with my partner, I am not a notorious cheater and am sure I do not want anyone else, now, that my partner is around.
    However, my cheating is nagging at me. I love my partner and hopefully we are going to marry one day. But can I really marry my partner without ever telling the complete truth?

    It would be great if somebody could share their thoughts with me.
    Thanks in advance!

    (and sorry for any writing mistakes – I’m not any English native speaker)

  41. 41
    Anonymous Says:

    # 40. Gently. A sound relationship demands honesty, transparency, trust among other things. By withholding the extent of your relationship with your affair partner, you are only contributing to the destruction of that trust. Eventually he is bound to discover the truth. From your friends, from your affair partner himself…who knows. Next month, next year, in ten years? You already have difficulty with what you did. Can you look at your partner every day knowing that you did not tell him about the “sex-part”? You know the response already from what I can see in your post.

    I understand that you would do anything not to lose your partner. Lying by omission (which is what you are doing) is not the way to keep him. He thinks he is happy with you because he does not have the whole story. And by not providing him with the whole story you deny him his right to chose: to chose to forgive you or to move on and make a life on his own. This a risk you have to take. But you have made your bed and now you must face the consequences. Your partner may provide you with the gift of forgiveness but the longer you wait and hide the “sex-part” from him, the least likely this is going to happen. If you really love him and want to spend your life with him, tell him.

    You wrote something that raises a red flags for me. You wrote ” I am sure I do not want anyone else, now, that my partner is around”. Really? Only because he is around? So if he had not come early, you would still be with your affair partner? You also do not talk about your partner’s reaction to your affair. You talk about you and you state that you and him are going fine. What about him in all this?

    Finally, it appears you are still confused. You jump from a long distance relationship to an affair that you brake off only because your partner comes home. Where are you in all this? What do you want? Can you live by yourself or do you need a man around all the time to feel validated? You are very young. You may think you want to get married to your partner one day. Take your time. I think you still have to find what you really want in life.

  42. 42
    Anonymous Says:

    I see much of myself in many of these posts. I am struggling with whether to tell me husband about my emotional affair which did include one sexual encounter. I am sick to my stomach with guilt., I have addressed the issue in our relationship which caused me to stray but I haven’t addressed the affair itself. Lying by omission. I don’t know what to do, I’m so scared..

  43. 43
    Anonymous Says:

    I had been friends with a coworker for many years who worked in a different area of the country, but she was married. I recognized that she had a crush on me, and at odd times would get messages that were oddly intimate (such as on a vacation with her husband and his family, telling me she was shopping for a gift for me). I am leary of the self-conscious, self-centered types that don’t get enough “attention” at home, and I did not want to be a surrogate for a husband. One summer, she comes to me crying, really distraught about her life. I kept my guard up. A few months after that, she tells me how great she thinks I am, and in the next few weeks, we started hinting at feelings for each other. However, I made it clear that she had to take care of her life before any of this could be a possibility.

    By the fall, she did, in fact, move out from her house, not to my city, but a couple hours away from where she was living. She also began going out of her way to see me whenever she could on her business trips, and some physical intimacy started. We spoke and sent messages almost every day. I look back and remember what I though at the time, that she had taken time to evaluate her life and move on. In hindsight, though, I must have been an idiot.

    I learned later that while this was going on with me, her husband was coming to visit her, and she was frequently making and arduos trek back to his house to keep house for him. Bizarre. I found this out when she told me she decided to move back home. I was shaken up, but I moved on. Within a few months, I had an nice, fun girfriend. End of year 1.

    That July, crises 2 comes out and she leaves her husband again, almost literally lands on my doorstep. At the time, we were sort of irrestistible to each other in really basic ways. She finds temporary housing close to me, commits (the second time) that she is moving on, and we end up seeing each other every day. To be honest, it was one of the happiest times in my life.

    When the time of “reckoning” came for her to get her stuff out once and for all, she disappears again. I learn that he has no idea that she was intending to leave him again; he thought that she had come to my city for business and needed to stay a few months (yes, he actually believed this apparently). That story that she was splitting up may have been her intention, or it could have been a lie for me.

    The next time I saw her, she explains to me that she is all confused about her sexuality because she had a miscarriage and has an STD that she did not know how she caught. As if the other wackiness were not enough, the latter was the loudest warning of “insane” to me. Not that she caught and STD, but that she could not keep track of how it happened. Yikes.

    My feelings limped along about how this person I had such a nice connection with could be such a mess. About a 1.5 months after that big revelation, she treated me with total animosity because she thought she was pregnant (I guess by her husband), but then found out she wasn’t, and set about for the next few months to “win” me back again. I told her as gently as I could that that ship was setting sail, and something major that I could not even fathom was going to have to happen. Nevertheless, she persisted, and recently rented an apartment in my city. A year lease. Her husband still thinks it is all job related. However, she did tell me that there is nothing between us anymore. Yet . . . she still moved here and lied to her husband about why.

    I am not personally hurt by her “rejection”, considering I was getting on with things. I am most offended that I was dragged into a world of insanity and lies while I was trying to be careful. We had long conversations about what her actions meant, the proper way to handle our feelings. People get separated and have to wait for legal reasons. That is a fact that you have to deal with. On top of this, a lot of my time was wasted. The omissions and lies merely prolonged something that was doomed, and it was futile. I also missed out on some very nice people.

    I am dealing with this with pure disgust and hatred. Not the kind that keeps you up at night, but what you might feel for terrorists and war criminals. I honestly can’t tell who was cheated on. The one person I do think about is her husband. She’s already told me that she is never going to tell him, but I think somebody really needs to educate someone what is that clueless. She’ll probably do this again. I feel like writing him a letter not out of spite, but the poor guy is living with a person who is confused, dishonest, and frankly probably in need of psychiatric help. On the other hand, maybe someone so oblivious should be left to his fate. Any advice people?

  44. 44
    Anonymous Says:

    I have a slightly different situation The woman I was seeing has had a crush on me since high school and can remember every thing we did back then 1977. She contacted me and we started seeing eachother then the sex thing happened, She told me the marriage was over because she had no affection for him and never has. She got pregnant on their honeymoon. The man (her husband is 6 years older than her) he made good money and could support the child so she made the decision to stay for the kid (now 3) These kids are not kids anymore 2 in the last year of collage.The oldest out of state.Then she tells me one day that she is still having sex with him about once every 3 to 5 months apart! I said that I cant do this That I was told it was over and their was no affection. She defended this position telling me she didn’t want to but felt obligated? That she didnt even want him touching her even to hug and felt like when he did she had to get away. She tells me she loves him though but more like a brother? I’ve been with a cheating wife before and couldnt take it then! She claims she loves me but I dont see how thats possible if she is going to have sex with him no matter how infrequent that is!! So any way we ended it! I’d love for her to be with me but it will have to wait til its over (if ever) She wont divorce him because she tells me she wants to see the kids though the last year of college then decide. I think their will always be an excuse! I have to wait til the girls get married,Til my grand kids are born and so forth!! Is their ever a good time for divorce? Well she said in the beginning that if he would divorce her it would be so much easier then the kids wouldn’t be mad at her then? So now I was really confused then why have sex with him again? her marriage has been like this since the beginning so I dont think he’s going to do that!! So any way no fun for sure!! I would love to be with her but until she can show me papers saying so It’s over! Not only that but I can’t live like this! So are best chance is for me to stand back and see what she does. If she loves me as she said she’ll be back if not oh well it wasnt meant to be ! This relationship had been both emotional and physical.I know this if she tells him and she cant stand to be touched by him to repair the damage it’s over!And the kids will find out ! If she dont want the kids to know about us she wont tell and it will be over (guilt will end it). It was over before she came to me but will she do anything about it? Hasn’t to this point !!This sucks!!! One question is it better to live for your kids til your death or is their a point where you did your duty and stayed in a marriage for the kids and now its time to get out of an affection less marriage?

  45. 45
    Anonymous Says:

    HI. I am having a crisis moment and have no idea what to do. I have been with my partner for 7 years. I was madly in love with him. He had an emotional affiar with his best friends wife. IT drove me mental for two years. until I finally found out. In the middle of all that we concieved a child and I have the most beautiful lovely daughter who is 5 now. Our relationship has been rocky for most of the years. Lots of anger, sometimes physical. Needless to say I really lost a lot of love throughough the relationship and when this lovely man at work became a friend it grew into something much more. We ended up having an affair for the last 6 months …for many of those months I thought that this must mean something and i will leave my partner of 7 years. but i never did. and i couldnt figure it out with so much distraction. So I ended the affair. but somehow last month we saw each other at work and couldnt resist anymore. We slept together again.
    Now … now i find out I am pregnant and I dont know who the father is. This has all made me realize how much i love my partner and want to recommit to him. BUt now i have to have a medical termination. I am so scared and alone. I never meant for all the crazyness to happen. and i want to make everything right. I am thinking about telling my partner about the affiar and that I am pregant. and if he is willing to move forward with me all i want in life is him and our daughter and our family.
    should i be honest??? that is what my heart is telling me to do … i am scared of the outcome.
    what a tangled web

  46. 46
    Anonymous Says:

    I have been married for 8 years and have two beautiful children. Me and my wife agree that if I ever was great at something it was being a father. About a year ago me and my wife had a rough patch. She wasn’t as affectionate, she was always tired from work, her very first comments arriving home were how bad her day was. It was a very negative vibe at home. I couldn’t wait to leave to work cause I couldn’t stand her negativity, like nothing good was going on. She worked days and I worked nights so the kids spent equal time with both of us. Well her negativity started causing me to dislike her character, like I, her husband, couldn’t even make her day worthwhile. Well I bartended as work and some of my fellow employees flirted a lot with me and I flirted back. Eventually I found myself flirting with the entire staff mainly to put a smile on their faces and of course I liked the good comments in return. I liked the positivity in the air. Eventually one night I cheated on my wife with someone random. I didn’t feel anything for this person they saw an opportunity and took it and it was good but I knew I was filling a void not being filled by my spouse. The entire time i was cheating it was racig through my mind i was cheating making things uncomfortable. It went on for three months maybe and I constantly reminded this person I loved my wife and my kids and it was purely sexual and nothing more. Well feelings started coming into play on her part and realized i had to end it. I sat down and talked to her and she agreed. Well my wife had left to visit her family with my kids for three weeks and during that time I decided to notify everyone I had flirted with at work I was going to fix things directly with my spouse and yes I was deprived but in her time gone I realized my mistake to have let flirting go on. And when I say flirting I mean I had gotten to being sexually explicit via texts, emails, etc but never acting on it except that one young lady. When my wife got back I was so happy I was starting anew. Well she ended up somehow looking through my phone and read some texts and even a email and confronted me about it. She was disgusted at me and told me how I could have cheated on her speaking like that to other females. She still didn’t know I had actually cheated. She was wanting to divorce me for texting and emailing sexual comments to many women, and was going to leave me and because I love my wife and kids I immediately quit my job and cancelled my phone line to prove to her that I love her and only her. It’s been 2 weeks since the incident and I am pushing myself to prove myself to her but now and questioning whether or not I should mention the actual act of affair I had if she blew up so badly with just the messaging and emails. I live for my kids and now do literally live for her and have no emotional attachment to the other person and know I am not going to be visited by her or a bad text or letter received. I know I can easily hide this or more like put it under the rug and forget about it. But is that right for her, is it fair to her? I feel horrible as to what happened and know where the mistakes in my marriage were made but have been fixing things and me and my wife are getting along much better and she says she feels like I cheated on her with messaging cause if I thought it then it’s the same as doing it. None of he people I was messaging sexually was the girl I cheated on her with so when I say I didn’t cheat on her with those women I messages, it’s true. But I don’t know really if I should tell her of my infedility or just move one since it meant nothing. It’s more like I am trying to clear my conscious cause it surely won’t benefit our relationship cause I know it will end it. Just some advice please.

  47. 47
    Anonymous Says:

    @46 – You should still tell her even if there is a risk of her leaving. From a jealous womans perspective, it is very important she knows the whole truth before moving forward in your relationship. If she finds out later, it will be much worse and her trust will be shattered all over again. It is clear you don’t have feelings for the affair person and your wife will be able to see that if you express to her how much it didn’t mean anything emotionally. If you give her the whole truth now it will be easier in the long run to work through it all. Tell her what you have said here about it being your mistake for letting the flirting go on. And tell her the fact that you told your co-workers you are going to fix it all with your wife.
    She will appreciate the fact that you have taken responsibility for your actions and want to make things right rather than being a coward and blaming your wife for it all.

  48. 48
    Anonymous Says:

    I had an six year long affair with a black woman who is 26 years younger. I had always been a nice Jewish boy from Brooklyn but after over 25 years of marriage- my wife no longer had a desire for me like she used to…so I met this very pretty, single mother at my company where I was the CFO, who looked up and repspected me. We got along well, I taught her our American culture and language as she was from spanish speaking. Our relationship went to the next level and the sex was fantastic for me…maybe because she was so much younger than me? but I felt alive again and felt wanted as well as needed. Needless to say, I never wanted it to end but I also did not want my wife or son or daughter to find out. Infact, my daughter was only one year younger. I was with her for as long as she let me and enjoyed it all. I have never regretted it and my family never found out. I don’t think I was being selfish because my lover recieved an education from me that benefitted her and I treated her kindly.

  49. 49
    Anonymous Says:

    Every human being is responsible for their own actions. If you cheat, it is your fault, nobody else. The option to leave your spouse is always on the table, even if the consequences of doing that are tough. Grow up and accept responsibility for your decisions. If you aren’t getting what you need from your spouse, you either need to work on it with them, or end the relationship.

  50. 50
    Anonymous Says:

    I don’t know what it was like for any one else but I know it has devastated me. I had an affair last month , it started at work with a female co- worker in my office of four people. I have been married for 20 years to my high school sweet heart, three kids, youngest is twelve. I have never cheated before, I’ve worked with this woman for a year and we’ve become close as her marriage has failed, her husband won’t leave and hasn’t touched her for a year.

    My wife started a new job a year ago and it has changed her, she has become snippy about her co workers and short with the kids, she is very defensive if I mention it so I’ve just listened and tried to be supportive.

    My co-worker call her kb ,is funny and intelligent, much like my wife used to be years ago, I still love my wife but I miss the way we used to be, selfish I know.

    Kb and I always have a laugh, one day we were driving back from getting lunch and she put her hand on my leg and asked ” am I going to far, I know your married” and I should have said no, but I took her hand and said it wasn’t a problem. Over the next week we had sex, I even took a sick day to drive to her house when she was off.

    I became convinced I love her over the next month and was even planning on leaving my wife to live with kb ( she even has two three year olds but I was willing to take them on as a responsibility ) , our texting was emotional and we touched whenever we could. But she wouldn’t leave her husband, she was worried about her twins and has been divorced before. I became obsessed with us living together, searching out houses , working out maintainence payments etc, finally two weeks ago I had a nervous breakdown (never had anything like this..scary as hell).

    I realized I do love my wife and kids, I didn’t want to leave her and had been delusional. Kb feels guilty, as do I, and we agreed it stops now and never goes beyond friends again.

    I don’t want to tell my wife, I think it would devastate her and destroy our lives, I know I’m being a selfish so and so but I’m terrified of loosing her and know I should have thought of this before instead of trying to find a “new life” with someone else.

    Just don’t do it.. If you don’t love your spouse end it before you start with someone else, the emotional damage just isn’t worth it.

  51. 51
    Anonymous Says:

    I met my wife on line 12 years ago. She couldn’t have kids for health reasons and I had 2 from my first marriage.
    She was a nanny and I thought how wonderful it would be to have someone like her help me raise my kids, that were 3 and 5.
    I was a awesome father I had my boys half the time everyday after school I picked them up and they stayed with me until 7ish and every other weekend. My new girlfriend and I also didnt get along well she had serious depression problems was bipolar. She missed her family and friends she moved several hours away from to be with me and my boys and cried on and off like crazy.

    After about 2 months I tried to convince her to break up with me, stop her misery and return to her old home where she was happy. She refused and after 2 years she wanted to marry me and I refused.
    I knew I wasn’t ready to do that again.
    During this time she had become a special needs assistant and she had a High function special needs girl Annette in her class that was living in a abusive home where she was not aloud to speak unless asked to. This Annette had become very close to my girlfriend and started to speak.
    My girlfriend and I thought that she would of lived a quite normal life if she wouldn’t have been abused. Over time we discovered that she had much more ability then her abusive family allowed in her life. She was eventually relocated into a safe group home with help from teachers and my girlfriend.
    After a while she begged my girlfriend to come and live with us and I agreed.
    I thought it was wonderful to have a foster daughter and we all seemed to become a family.
    Annette over time got her drivers license and a part time job and was wanting a boyfriend but only ran into boys that were into trouble.

    A few years later my girlfriend and I got married but our sex life was on a huge decline.
    After our marriage it would be months at a time between sex because my wife lost interest.when I I tried to initiate she would push me away.
    I just lived with it for 3 years. It was so bad, when I tried to hug her or show affection she would respond with “oh thanks for pretending to love me.” Or if I said I love you she would sometimes say “yea right.” or “do you really?”
    She left me feeling empty and when I told her that she would respond coldly.
    My wife also had sexual interest in other woman and asked if I would afford her to do that when she felt the desire. So I agreed hoping that I would get more affection and love from her.
    Instead she asked if I needed sex more than once a month I may consider one of her friends.
    At this point I was feeling so displaced and our felt our marriage was falling apart.
    Our foster daughter Annette had now been with us for over 3 years. Annette and I spent tons of time together as my wife started spending time away with friends also when my boys were with there real mom.
    Annette and I were 13 years apart I had never offered to be anything more than a dad. But she desired me like a boyfriend,
    I refused at first but after a several months I was falling in love with her and it was the most horrible wonderful in my life.
    Then for 3 years my foster daughter and I had a affair. My wife had serious weight issues effecting her health so after my wife had surgery to lose weight and lost a great deal of it she continued to get more crazy with ideas of sleeping with other people because she also wanted to be with men other than I.

    I agreed, well how could I not?
    But I was concerned about the strange men my wife was meeting for sex. And I got upset after my wife had me call one of the men and tell him to stay away from her because he was becoming obsessed with her. Shortly after a second man forced her to have sex when she wasn’t ready and she came home in tears.
    I was destroyed and when I heard about her next date she lined up I told her to stop it and she was upset with me but agreed.
    At this time I tried to end my relationship with Annette I introduced her to a Church my first wife use to belong to but it was to late she was so in love with me and I still loved her and cared allot about my wife.
    But to make things even more crazy my wife got saved instead.

    It was so hard to live with such crazy things my wife and I and Annette had gone through.
    I had a foster daughter being my wife. My wife being a good friend and I couldn’t fix the mess.
    After a time Annette decided to reveal everything when my wife saw she was upset. It was really upsetting for my wife.
    But I always thought since my wasn’t affording me affection and love like a wife should she would understand.
    Also since she left me alone and sent me away to do things with Annette so often so many times and days she would understand how it happened.
    But she did not.
    Even my friends from work would see Annette and I together so many times, at a dept store or video store or movie they thought she was my real wife.

    I now have agreed to the separation my wife requested she has called me disgusting and sick in head for becoming involved with Annette.

    I told my wife I would give her the dissolution and I would pay the rent and utilities for 1 year at our house why I live in a apartment.
    I then confessed to my church my parents and my boys.
    My oldest son 17, was upset and hurt but he talks to me now.
    My youngest son 14, moved a 11 hour drive where his mom moved to 3 years ago to live with her husband. And he wont even talk to me anymore.

    It was like a car crashed and I was the one that did it. And I lost one son and hurt my entire family. My wife became very angry and blames it on Annette mostly. She had a case worker take Annette away to a group home. Even my mom burned photos from Christmas with Annette and other family.
    I felt horrible for Annette now she has lost her second family and she called me several times in tears telling me how sorry she was for me to lose my son. I told her I was sorry to. After all it wasn’t all Annette’s fault.

    Annette has her own place and still her own car now and she is sad and misses me. I miss her allot to but I stay away from her because my mom and ex hate her so much.
    My dad still likes Annette and understands why it happened even my little brother and my oldest brother except Annette. My oldest son even seems to be ok with me talking to Annette.
    But do to my soon to be ex wife’s anger and hate for Annette I stopped answering Annette’s calls.

    I live alone and feel bad for all the hurt I caused but I now look back and understand my wife and I were not made for each other.
    She was so controlling and full of personalities I never understood who she really was or who she would be next.
    It was a convenient illusion I and my wife created to pretend to be a Husband and wife for our family. When in reality we had so many bad things going on and lacked the true respect of what a husband and wife are suppose to be.

    Maybe I am or maybe not. but to my soon exwife, I will always be the guy and Annette the girl that caused the end of our family.

  52. 52
    Anonymous Says:

    My husband was married, at the time he came to me, he told his wife about having feelings for me before He told me. I had no idea, I liked him as a mate and respected him as a married man. But as time went on the wife asked him to know what he wants and get to know me. She went to holland then things started happening from then, we slept together and spent alot of time. She onew everything cause he being a honest man. They were starting there deviorce, and because the wife was moving to holland with the kids, he decided to take them all on a holiday to nz, which surprised me. I went to samoa for my family, i couldnt do anything about him taking his wife on holiday, i meet some guys who i hooked up with. I came back to australia and thought will hes probably gotten things back together with the wife, I wont contact him plus with everything that happened in samoa i felt not myself. I had alot of issues going on in my life. We caught up eventually and wife left with kids and he wanted to know what i was doing about us.he missed me and I was confused. That moment there I needed to tell him about samoa, but my feelings for him came back and i knew he would make me happy in the future. He asked me if anything happened in samoa I couldnt tell him the truth cause my fair would be losing him before it started. I wouldnt call it a relationship if he was married but im married to him now how do i explain the truth its eating me up and even though we wernt offically together then and he went away to another country with wife and kids I still feel like I cheated on him. Please adivse me.

  53. 53
    Anonymous Says:

    I got with my husband when I was 16 , he is 10 years older than me , he has been over the years very controlling and jelouse , it’s been suffocating,we have had generally a good marridge we have two children and have Been financially alright and had some amazing holidays and have a lovely home. People look on us as a a very happy and solid unit and I used to, he was the love of my life, we have had our tough times and 4 years ago he did something stupid ,ended up spending 6 months in prison and really since then I think I lost respect for him, I hadn’t realised straight away but that’s all I can put it down to as over the last couple of years I’m not in love with him any more, u do live him but not “in love”, his need to control has got overwhelming and I started an emotional affair with a guy I have been a flirty friend with for 3 years ,lately this has progresses and we have started fooling around. Only now I have fallen for him and I can’t now bear my husband touching me,it’s so sad becouse my husband is my best friend , although I’m not acting like it,I don’t know if I started this affair as a way to get out of my marridge? I have spoken to my husband about his possesivness and controlling habits and he has changed, or is trying he wven said he would back off from sex to work through our problems, it’s awful as he wouldn’t if he knew what I had really been doing to him, the affair has broken off, not by my choice , I feel devasted at losing him my emotions with him are so intense but again I’m unsure if this is just lust but I think of him 24/7 , deep down I know he wouldn’t be right for me and the children he couldn’t provide a life like my husband and has already shown he wouldn’t treat me any where as good as my husband but it’s him I want and was prepared to break up my family for him and basically live a less comfortable life, I feel like I’m going crazy,, my husband is fiercely loyalt and does everything for me and our children , so why am I been such a bitch ?? I have done the ultimate worst thing I could , I don’t think I can stay now but am I making the biggest mistake of my life to leave as no matter how much he suffocates me he really does llove me :,( I do love him, but will I be staying for the wrong reasons and is this just going to happen again 6 months down the line , becouse deep down something is missing ?.

Leave a Reply

© 2014 About Affairs | Entries (RSS) and Comments (RSS) | Phone: (415) 751-6515 - (925) 948-0562
Susan Berger is a Marriage and Family Therapist in San Francisco, CA and Walnut Creek, CA (lic. # MFC21193) | 121 Clement St, San Francisco, CA 94118 | 1415 Oakland Blvd, Ste. 100, Walnut Creek, CA 94596
photography by Bethanie Hines