About Affairs

18 Feb

Can Relationships That Start as Affairs Succeed?

I came across an interesting statistic recently; 25% of relationships that start as affairs succeed. Actually, I was surprised, if I had to guess, I would have thought the figure to be much lower. (For an update on this statistic go to “Can Relationships That Start as Affairs Succeed? Revisited”) But a statistic is just that, and doesn’t tell you anything about your own individual situation.

Feeling torn between two lovers can be an agonizing experience. Besides the guilt, and fear of discovery, you also know that sooner or later you will have to lose someone you love or have loved. Thinking about this, you may wonder what the chances are that a relationship that starts as an affair will succeed.

Pitfalls of Affair Relationships

Relationships that start as affairs have many strikes against them.

Many affairs are like rebound relationships. They can arise out of an urgent emotional need, a need so urgent that a thoughtful process of getting to know someone and assessing what kind of partnership the two of you would have is not part of the bonding process. Rebound and affair relationships frequently have rescue fantasies attached to them, these fantasies can be overpowering and cloud your vision.

Sometimes relationships that start as affairs serve as an escape from difficult interpersonal dynamics in the primary relationship. Succumbing to the fantasy that the new relationship will be free of conflict or other emotional difficulties can be a setup for another failed relationship. We tend to repeat patterns over and over until we come to understand ourselves.

Trust is the foundation of successful relationships. Another reason why many affair relationships fail is that it is difficult to deeply trust someone who has started the relationship by being unfaithful and deceitful with someone else. You can’t help but understand that their solution to a difficult interpersonal situation was betrayal. In the initial blissful stage, it might be unimaginable that they could do the same thing to you, or that you could do the same thing to them, but once you hit the stresses of real everyday life, things can feel different and much less secure. Imagine you or your partner has to go on a lot of out of town business trips some years into the relationship during a time when you are struggling with conflict. What do you imagine you and your partner feeling?

There is also the issue of not having the support of family and friends. Having long-term successful relationships are difficult enough without trying to do them in a vacuum. Acceptance is usually won over eventually, but it can take a long time. Your new partner may truly be a wonderful person but many friends and family that are close to you are going to be so prejudiced that it will be hard to give the new person a chance. You face going from the bliss of secrecy into a tailspin of conflict with many people at once. Of course, you face this once the affair is disclosed, no matter who you end up with, but it is less awful if you are attempting to repair the damage with your primary partner. Of course you should not make your decisions based on what others would think or feel. But it is important to honestly assess your affair and think about whether this relationship could stand this kind of stress. Can the two of you exist in a relatively socially isolated situation for some time?

Losing a long-term partner, even if things feel bad, is still a loss and needs to be grieved. New lovers vary on how willing and able they are to cope with your grief over losing your partner. You may stuff these feelings in order to maintain the new relationship, only to discover down the line that you have many unresolved feelings about your partner that are interfering in your new relationship.

The question of whether the new relationship will succeed relates to what function it is playing in your relationship with your current partner. If you have the kind of primary relationship where you initially experienced a significant amount of time where you were mutually in love and satisfied with the relationship and then grew apart because of life stresses or conflict and you entered the affair to experience being in love again, this does not bode well for the long term success of the affair relationship. That is because almost all relationships follow a predictable course of developmental stages, all at some point going through a period of disillusionment. If you can get through this difficult phase, you have the potential of entering into a mature, dependable and sustaining love based much more on reality and much less on romantic idealization. If you deal with the disillusionment by betraying the commitment you have made, then you may not have the tools to navigate this stage which is waiting for you down the road in your new relationship.

Affair Relationships That Have a Better Chance of Success

If, however, your primary relationship/marriage was somehow “wrong” from the beginning; if one or both of you weren’t in love, if it was a marriage of convenience, or if it has been mostly miserable or abusive, if it was simply to escape loneliness or have children, that is a different story. You may not have been equipped at that time in your life to make an appropriate choice for a life partner. Admitting the reality of these situation is painful because you can still feel very attached (as distinct from connected) to this person and the idea of leaving can fill you with dread of the loss of security this relationship has provided.

In my experience, these relationships that were “wrong” from the start are very hard to repair. Meeting someone when you are more mature, know yourself better and have learned how to have relatively healthy relationships (maybe you have been in therapy by now) certainly can bode well for a promising future together. Meeting someone you respect, are attracted to, who genuinely cares about you, shares your values and at least a few interests, and with whom you can work through conflicts can be a catalyst for not only a great and lasting new relationship with a new person, but with yourself as well.

For example, if, prior to entering your primary relationship, you had the unconscious belief that you were unlovable, or didn’t deserve to be loved, you may have ended up with someone who couldn’t really give you love. If you have changed, but your partner has not, and you now believe you deserve to be loved, (and are truly willing to give love in return) you will be attracted to the kind of person who would be capable of this kind of reciprocity. The whole foundation for your relationship would be quite different than what you have experienced before.

What Next?

With all of this said, I believe that in most cases the most promising path is to separate the question of whether you want to end things with your current partner from whether you want to have a relationship with this new person. If the aloneness that this entails feels too intolerable to you, talking to a professional might be very helpful. Admittedly, it is the road less traveled but most often has the richest rewards.

454 Responses to “Can Relationships That Start as Affairs Succeed?”

  1. 1
    Anonymous Says:

    For example, if, prior to entering your primary relationship, you had the unconscious belief that you were unlovable, or didn’t deserve to be loved, you may have ended up with someone who couldn’t really give you love. If you have changed, but your partner has not, and you now believe you deserve to be loved, (and are truly willing to give love in return) you will be attracted to the kind of person who would be capable of this kind of reciprocity. The whole foundation for your relationship would be quite different than what you have experienced before.

    This is me!

  2. 2
    Anonymous Says:

    I wonder what people may make of this: I have been in a relationship that has lasted about 20 years. We broke up at about 2.5 years because she wanted to get married and wondered why I hadn’t popped the question. Too much nagging, not enough sex etc. We broke up. A few months later, we got back together and after a few more years, got engaged. We got married in the eighth year and have been married ever since. We have nearly broken up more than a few times over various issues, with a number of threats to leave if I didn’t do or not do something to alleviate a perceived problem. In any case, we got conselling and ended up having two great kids. During our life I have had a couple of extra marital affairs that were more centered around the connection with someone else rather than sex. (although I never really got much of that after the first year or so) I know she had a fling on a holiday without me just after we got back together and it always annoyed me that when presented with the evidence, she still chose to only ‘partially’ admit to it. Anyway, I now find myself in a new affair only this time its with someone who is in almost every way, exactly the person I have always longed for. Not just the things in common, the similar likes etc, but the shared view of the world and of life. While I’ve been deceptive in the past and now, I have a great desire to live an honest existance with this person. I am getting so much from this relationship, however on so many levels it is wrong. What I don’t understand is that while I have obvious benefit and issues etc, she is outwardly happy with her marriage. She says she is happy but wants to be with me too. There is an amazing connection with this person but she is somehow happy at home. I am a fool and probably deluded as I’m so wishing for someone like this to be in my life – but I obviously don’t wish to share! How can two people have such an obvious connection and so much in common yet one is still apparently happy at home? They still do lots together, have a lot of sex, have lots of friends, things in common etc. There are a lot of down sides to her being discovered (as there are with me) – so what does she get out of this relationship if its not sex, she doesn’t need another complication and she demonstrates the care of someone who wants to be with me? What am I missing? I am so happy to have met her and so heartbroken that I cant really have her. I have turmoil in my own marriage, but still want it to work in preference to this affair, but years of trouble tell me I might end up single anyway… I really am lost and confused. Any constructive thoughts welcome!

  3. 3
    Anonymous Says:

    You should have broke it off in the beginning prior to entering into marriage. I have no sympathy for an adulter who only thinks of himself and wants only their own needs satisfied at all others expense. Thank goodness you did not have children. You are the type that need to remain single and lonely.

  4. 4
    Anonymous Says:

    It is great to hear some men’s views for a change. I have been seeing a married man for a year and a half, I love him and he says he loves me, we talk and see each other at every opportunity, he says he is leaving his wife and kids been married 20 years, but he cannot make that step, he wants to live on his own at first for six months as he does not want his separation to be seen that he has been having an affair, he cannot hurt them, he has moved out briefly on several occasions usually resulting in his kids persuading him to come back, he is in anguish all the time trying to commit to me and with troubles at home and just recently he has ended it with me when things got difficult and he was quite blunt in doing so. Eventually it all became too hard for him I have not pushed him towards this separation plan and I can understand him wanting to live alone with shared custody of his kids. I can’t understand why people cannot be with the person they love but stay in less than fulfilling relationships for security & money reasons and putting on a face for family and friends. I can understand staying for the kids but if the household is unhappy what then? If you are not happy with your partner you should always seek someone who makes you happy regardless of the consequences, I don’t think your other lady looks like she will be leaving her marriage at least you know that up front, not like me who has been told one thing but will never know if any of it were true. Good luck!

  5. 5
    Anonymous Says:

    I’ve been married for 3 months now.
    Before we married, I found out by myself that my girlfriend (that is now my wife) slept with two different guys. She told me that she doesn’t love them. I’m about to break up with her, but after so long of struggles and fights and tears, she confinced me to go on the relationship.
    Now that we have married, facts apparently revealed by itself and it shows that she was in a deep relationship with one of the guys.
    I’m shocked, for the second time for her lies.
    I’ve been ALWAYS an honest man. Never in my life I cheat on my girlfriend EVER.. I’m afraid to think that my marriage won’t last forever.
    Well, I suppose the whole article is making a solid point.

  6. 6
    Anonymous Says:

    To #4…

    People like you are what is wrong with this world. You sacrifice the happiness of your spouse, family, children, etc for your “happiness” which is a relationship started while married and based on lies?

    The cheating spouse felt those same “in love feelings” when they married… so why are you any different? The “in love feelings” will eventually wear off with you as well and then maybe he will work on it with you at that point because he won’t want to destroy another set of lives.

    Everyone should realize that LOVE IS A CHOICE. You choose who you love and you act in ways to show that love.

    Don’t date married men or women. Get a life.

  7. 7
    Anonymous Says:

    With regards to response #2, all I can say is that whoever wrote that, is a very bitter person. The Guy is just confused & it can happen to the best of us. I certainly do not think that he deserves to end up alone & lonely. Everyone finds that special someone and you have to have faith in yourself and stick to people who love you & support you. Good luck. I truly think in time, you will find your true love.

  8. 8
    Anonymous Says:

    I’m currently separated from a marriage that was wrong from the beginning. I was young and there has been lots of abuse throughout the 10 years now. I’m now seeing a married man who’s in a marriage of 20 years. We met through work out of state and found out we lived in the same city. We connected instantly. He also married young and has now realized that they don’t share the same interests but only there for the security and kids. We feel strongly about eachother. We connect in every way. The affair has only been 4 months now and we’ve recently decided to slow it down to figure out our own issues. We both have children to think about that will be affected which will be the most challenging. I do believe a relationship that starts from an affair if handled carefully and properly can work out in the long run. There CAN be 100% trust. Now as mature adults we may have found our sole mate…it’s too soon to tell but it sure feels that way. Why let this slip away…I say grap on tight and see where fate takes us. I disagree with the failing rate, the stats are against us but that gives me more the reason to try harder to make it work. You only live once and I choose to live happy with the right partner regardless of how we met as long as its true love!

    For now, we’ll both take it real slow until our marriages are both dissovled and then begin to build a relationship the right way.

  9. 9
    Anonymous Says:

    All,
    Feelings for the other person whom you are haveing an affair with…..First, you can NEVER trust that person in a relationship (how can you, logically?!?!) Second, it should be seen as a something of a business arrangement among both parties (you can tell a stranger your most intimate thoughts but not your spouse…you have to live with them). Third, YOU have to manage your wants and weigh them against reality (be for REAL!!, the only reason YOU get hurt is when you expect something and it doesn’t happen…simply enjoy the other persons company and make no expectations on anyone and move on when it is time without some bullshit argument that you may lose anyway…leave on a high note). I am not advocating an affair nor am I condemning it. It has it’s uses, pros and cons. But know yourself, if you are an obsessive compulsive type…then it could be hard for you and for G-d Sakes get yourself fixed or something! Just because you can reproduce doesn’t mean you should!

  10. 10
    Anonymous Says:

    Seriously, Ive been married for almost 7 years. I am also now seeing a married man. I only want to be with him and our marriages to the freakshows we are married to go away. This isnt something either one of us went looking for. But we crossed paths and connected. And God knows where we would be today since we both are emotionally abused severely by the idiots we are married too. I dont call it an affair. I have to go to therapy for the depression from the abuse. Im just going to live my life the way I want too.

  11. 11
    Anonymous Says:

    I have been seein a married man for one month now.We met online. We started this relationship with the knowledge that he is married. I am twice divorced and saw this as a non committal type relationship. I am a divorced mother of 4 with twin 15 year old twins still at home. I work and go to college to get my BA. I felt he knows what he is doing and excepts that I know also. Then he mentioned that he loved me, I almost died.I had told him explicitly that that would not be allowed. I feel deeply for him and could love him if he weren’t married. Now he tells me he has told his wife he is leaving her and has been looking for a apartment, and sends me pictures of the places, and asks if I would help him. He said he didn’t want to hurt her, but finds her unbearable when she treats people like servants and is controling. Now, I don’t know what to do, I think I am caring too much and everything I read about being the other woman says we have a slim to none chance to succeed in any type of a meaningful relationship.He has been married for 15 tears and has a 14 and 10 year old. His wife makes more money than he, but he says money isn’t everything. Either I am blind or he is doing everything to show he does want me and will leave his wife.Right now it is wait and see.

  12. 12
    Anonymous Says:

    Those of you that are having an affair with a married person should be ashamed…This person is not avialable to love, this is someones spouse, someones, parent. Do you understand that by your selfish behavior that you are hurting so many poeple that do not deserve this pain! You are robbing from someone, this person is not available to love you freely. You deserve all the heart ache that is coming your way. The spouse will always choose his family!

  13. 13
    Anonymous Says:

    All,

    I personally feel that relationships fail and affairs begin because (I’m generalizing) people either get married before they truly know themselves, they married someone who doesn’t know themselves and/or people grow and evolve in life’s journey and you and your partner fail to recognize the changes and modify your relationship to meet the changing needs. You can marry someone you love very much and it feels right but unless you continue to listen and evolve in the relationship then distance will grow between you. That distance allows the ‘other person’ to enter. You may also love the ‘other person’ but you owe it to your spouse to try and make it work. Start from scratch, seek professional help, build the trust slowly again. There isn’t a quick fix, it takes work to keep a healthy marriage and if you avoid the work for years…it doesn’t go away, you have to do twice as much to get back on track. Fact is you can love many people in your life and if you loved your spouse once then there is a good chance you can light the fire again. On the other hand, if your spouse has evolved into someone you can’t respect or love then you need to end your affair, end your marriage. If your affair was meant to work, it will. If this is your soul mate and your life took a round about way of leading you too them, then taking care of your broken heart and personal issues is the right thing to do for both of you. It will work out if it was meant to be.
    I also want to comment that this site has way too much negative feedback. Statistically most marriages face infidelity. People that have affairs are not sociopaths and are not ignorant to the fact that their actions are or are going to hurt many people. Telling them that they are scum and horrible human beings is not useful or constructing. One of the largest stress factors in an affair is the knowledge of the pain and betrayal you are causing. The question is ‘WHY’ am I in an affair (and trust me, its not completely your spouses fault) and how or should I fix my marriage. Once you figure this out, if you can. Then you will have a much better chance finding and keeping happiness regardless of whomever you end up with.
    As for #2, end the affair, work on fixing your marriage or get out of it. Fix your personal issues and don’t go back to the married woman. She has no intent to leave, you fill a need for her but clearly not a need big enough to end her marriage. I am glad you felt a happy when you did, but you have to suck it up and deal with the issues at hand. Otherwise you will snap and push her to end the relationship and she wont. She’ll break up with you and cut you off from all contact. You will be deeply hurt and take it out on yourself and home life. and you will have learned NOTHING. It is always better to do the leaving than to be left. Sorry, I know this isn’t what you were hoping to hear. Best of luck to you all!

  14. 14
    Anonymous Says:

    HI, I used to despise affairs. I always think that if there should be an affairs involved in my marriage, it would be my husband. I basically blamed the other woman when I came across any affairs stories in the past. Be careful of what we said because it will just happen to you like what had happened to me. You are right, I was hit. Real bad and still going. I fell right for a married man, deeply. My mind is very logical in every sense and knows that it is wrong but when feelings are involve, I lost my sense. I have tried many ways to let go but still couldn’t. I still believe should leave him in anyways but it is just so hard. I am very tired indeed to fight against my feeling. So, I am letting it be for awhile. I’m doing nothing now and we are still in contact. Feeling is still there. I’m just waiting for it to go away. My feeling for this man has been one and a half year. I stop counting really. So believe me, I think many of us do not go hunting for an affairs. If I have a choice to control my feelings, I do not want to be in this situation. It is not easy and most of the time I struggle. Now, I stop judging people in everything because it will get to you someday. :-(

  15. 15
    Anonymous Says:

    How sad that people will do this to another person a person they claim to love and should be honset with. My husband has been or currently is in an affair he claims to have ended a year ago. but recently had many phone conversatations with her. And each time he tells me it is nothing that she means nothing to him yet he cant seem to stop the communcation with her- cant seem to let go of the relationship.
    I am very willing to let him go and let him live his life but he won’t let me go, he promises and promises to stop and since we have been together for 36 years it is hard to imagine my life alone, but each time I find out it becomes alittle easier- i just wished that i had the what it takes to free my feelings from him.

  16. 16
    Anonymous Says:

    To those you have affairs or thinking about having an affair…seek counseling before starting an affair. Seek counseling as an individual and or as a couple. Confide in your counselor about your misgivings, your desires, wants, needs, and so forth, they can help you sort things out and possibly work on a marriage that you think is failing. Find out what it is with your marriage is lacking or what is going on inside of you, that you are seeking in someone else. I was blind-sided by my husbands affair. It took place shortly after the birth of our daughter (she was only 4 months old) and I’m convinced he wasn’t prepared for the lack of attention he was receiving from me because I was taking care of an infant. He wasn’t ready for the responsibility of being a parent. He also wasn’t shown what a family life is; he came from a broken home and his parents were around. Had he made any motion to seek counseling or brought his thoughts to my attention I would have been there every step of the way to help, fix, support, whatever I could do to help save our marriage. Give your spouse credit and the chance to be supportive, I’m sure most would oblige. I’m currently going through a divorce and it’s terrible, however I know myself well enough to know I cannot trust someone who has deceived me so terribly.

  17. 17
    Anonymous Says:

    When I met my husband I was young, deep into drinking and drugs. For me partying was the first priority, everything else was secondary. From the get go I never had a physical attraction to him but he was a good friend and tolerated my insanity. He never had everything I needed from a relationship but I chocked it up to my own insecurities and shoved those feelings down. They would rear their ugly head from time to time, I would leave or I would drive him to leave. We always ended up reconciling because the relationship wasn’t ultimately that bad.

    Now that I am older the storm of my past life has come and gone. I no longer need him as the “rock” in my life. I made the conscious decision to change me for me, put my plan in action and never looked back. I love him for what he’s done for me and helped me achieve, but looking back at our relationship I don’t think I ever really loved him the way a wife should love a husband.

    Enter the lover. This man is everything I have ever dreamed of. The things I tried to explain to my husband that I needed him to do in the relationship to feel fulfilled this man does, and does effortlessly. I did not know what love was until I met him. We fought our feelings for each other for what seems like an eternity but the attraction is so strong that neither of us could stop the progression. We are completely and utterly in love with one another. We are both want to believe we are leaving our spouses (yes, he’s married too) not for one another, but for ourselves. Neither of us planned on this happening but it did and now we’re making the best of the $hit situation that we’re in.

  18. 18
    Anonymous Says:

    “To those you have affairs or thinking about having an affair…seek counseling before starting an affair. ”

    Whoever said this clearly has no idea that most affairs are not intentional. Therefore if you don’t know that something is going to happen then can realistically set up an appointment with a Therapist with the anticipation that you’re goint to have one? Of course you cannot plan to go to a therapist because you didn’t know that this was going to happen or that it would go this far!

  19. 19
    Anonymous Says:

    I had/have been happily married for 25 years when I met my best friend, at work. We think the same way, look at life the same way, and generally could be “two peas in a pod”. I truely believe he is my soul mate. How can that be? We are both happily married and long marriages, too. Over 25 for me and over 30 for him. I had hit a rough insecure patch and was willing to be with him in any way, but until I realized I was in love with him with the capital “L” he wouldn’t touch me. We work at the same place, different departments, and rarely cross paths during the day. He is my best friend, and I think I am his. Niether of us are willing to hurt our spouses or leave them. He is the person I’ve always needed, though. How do I handle that?

  20. 20
    Anonymous Says:

    Please, handle it by trying to address your own marriage first (without this other man in the picture….drop him completely and drop him NOW), and get a different job so you don’t see him. End your contact with him. See if your marriage can be helped by meeting each other’s needs. Get counseling, read books about affairs and about meeting each others needs, work on it, communicate. Don’t break up your marriage or this other guy’s marriage because of this affair. Talk with your husband! If your needs aren’t being met, his probably aren’t either. Try to reach deep down into your feelings WITH your husband (not separate from him). Your thinking is not clear right now, because you’re so wrapped up in someone “new and exciting” feeling this way about you…it’s a big self-esteem booster. But look out…when your husband finds out, it’s going to drop his self-esteem right over the cliff. You’re going to crash his world like nothing else ever has. Same with the other man’s wife. When he realizes how badly he’s crushed her and hurt her, you’re probably going to be history, and he’ll partially blame you for the devastation to his wife.

  21. 21
    Anonymous Says:

    I am the single mother to a 1 year old who lost his father to an affair. He not only turned his back on his wife, but on his 6 month old son. I don’t understand how anyone could rationalize cheating on your spouse. When you commit to marriage, you are committing your lives to each other. To decide to have children is an even bigger committment. It is not okay to one day change your mind because life doesn’t seem to revolve around you anymore. Marriage is a partnership, a give and take. When there are problems, get a set and address them. Think about the effects your selfishness are going to have on those you supposedly care about.

  22. 22
    Anonymous Says:

    I married at 26 to a man that I was convinced I would raise a family and spend the rest of my life with. Shortly after marriage, the “true” man came out. He had been verbally and emotionally abused as a child and never would face his demons. Instead, he chose to take them out on me in the same ways that he was abused. I discovered that I had become pregnant on our honeymoon, and nine months later, gave birth to our baby boy. I endured 8 years of emotional and verbal abuse from a man who refused to admit that he had emotional issues and get help. In our eighth year of marriage, I met a man who made me realize that I was not to blame for the abuse my husband endured as a child. He and I were friends for one year before any “feelings” were admitted. He had been married for 15 years, and I had then been married for 9 years. People can say what they want to say, but until you are in someone’s shoes it is hard to understand what they go through. I was raised by a single mother until I was 15, and that is when she married my stepfather. They have a wonderful relationship, and I always told myself that I would never divorce. I didn’t believe in it, and I never thought that I would do that to my son. I have now been divorced for over 1 year, and my son is the most well adapted child anyone could ask for. After the divorce, my ex-husband seeked help and is the best father anyone could ask for. He admits that if he would have seeked help earlier that maybe it would have saved our marriage. As for me and my soul mate, we are planning our wedding in the fall. He is wonderful with my son, and he is everything I could ever ask for. I think that sometimes people come together in circumstances that aren’t necessarily “right”, but may that it’s right after all. Am I naive? I don’t think so…I agree that in the beginning the “trust” issue had to be addressed. Do I believe that it could resurface? Absolutely, but we have agreed that we will never let anything get us to the point that we don’t talk to each other first. Marriage is about commitment, I agree, but no one should have to live in a loveless and abusive relationship when they have done everything to help the one they loved but they didn’t want the help until it was over.

  23. 23
    Anonymous Says:

    My husband and I have been together for 8 years. Our relationship was the kind that many couples dream of and I’m not being delusional. We had trust, commitment , honesty, friendship, great sex, we even laughed everyday. We rarely argued and always came to a resolution we both agreed on. I’m 30 and he’s 32 and we have a one year old girl and another girl on the way. I have been blind sighted because 2 months ago I discovered he had feelings for his 25 year old boss. She is not very attractive but she’s super rich and after a group trip to vegas that my husband went on I had a gut feeling something had happened. He was sober for 8 months but drank in vegas and from what I heard was all over her. This is extremely out of his character because he has been infatuated with me. I was the one that would flirt or have small crushes, he’s reserved and respectful. Well for a couple of weeks they carried on an emotional affair but I caught on quick because his behavior was different towards me. After I confronted him he took a week away to figure out his thoughts. He honestly felt that because he had only had feelings for me for 8 years that this girl must be something special-worth losing me and his family over apparently. I disagreed but when he told me he wanted to work thru it with me I was relieved. Fast forward to a month ago. On his last day of work he called me telling me he was confused still and was going to sleep over at a friends. I knew something was up. I put my sleeping daughter in the car and tracked him down only to find him at her house. She answered the door topless and he was lying naked in her bed. I am now 7 months pregnant and completely heartbroken and stunned. He has now abandoned our family but continues to pay my living expenses and sees our girl twice a week. He is very disconnected and disrespectful to me. He continues his sexual relationship with her and dotes her around in public. It’s as if he has no remorse but on a few occasions where he broke down. He’s lost friends and respect from family which I know bugs him because he’s always been put on a pedastole. He is acting like a different person and I know he’s off the wagon but I wonder if other drugs are involved due to his erratic behavior. I am trying to move on but I’m having a hard time realizing that he has moved on so quickly and I haven’t even delivered our second child. We were having great sex up until the day I discovered him in bed with her, and he even says he was happy in our marriage but his feeling for her were too strong. He never gave us (his family) a chance. I don’t think he was planning on getting caught, but does this situation make any sense? I don’t want to be with him but his treatment towards me makes me bitter and I despise him. I don’t even want him as my friend but now we have to share 2 children. Most of all I don’t want this stupid whore around my children so I’m hoping his relationship with her won’t work. His decision to leave and cheat seems so hasty that I feel he my want to come back eventually. Fuck him.

  24. 24
    Anonymous Says:

    I wonder …….. what will you say to God when he ask you
    “Why when I gave you the Love of Your Life did you say No to this gift”
    Sometimes we meet this person early in our lives, but most of the time it is when we have grown and matured, made some mistakes and grown into who we are…that is when God rewards you some call it finding their Soul Mate so just know he/she is the One. It does not happen to everyone that there be a new love but for the very special God does give you that gift.

  25. 25
    Anonymous Says:

    Thank you to whomever wrote #24. It is a very nice way of looking at the true love that can be given to you.

  26. 26
    Anonymous Says:

    You do not go looking for an affair, or at least I did not. It just happened.I have been married for more then 30 years and the other person has been married for 25. Neither of us looking for divorce. It is srictly an affair of attraction. I know this sounds dirty and sordid, but it is what it is. My knew motto, never say never. I was always one of those people that looked down on those who cheated. I deal with my guilt and remorse every day and know that I should put an end to it, but can’t.

  27. 27
    Anonymous Says:

    I have been married for 23 years. then one day my husband said he had met someone else and was leaving me. This has happened and he left me and our 11 year old daughter. I cried for two months. We both had marriage counselling. He is not seeing her anymore. But is not ready to come back. We live apart now and I don’t know how things will go. We have been living apart for 4 months now, working things out. The trouble is now I have fallen for a man who is also married. He has only been married for 3 1/2 years and married because he been on his own for 7 years and felt he should because I suppose he was lonely. He had also been married at a young age because he got his girlfriend pregnant and married her, his daughter is now 16. It didn’t work out. I thought I loved my husband we are both kind people have been great friends. But was never even in the beginning explosive, like this. My husband never had a very high libido, which I have. I have never been very attracted to my husband also, but still loved him. Now this other man, there is nothing I don’t like about him. The physical side is matched and is incredible. The coversation over the last 3 months is fantastic. We are both great communicators and laugh all the time. He is always on my mind. Is it the real thing. I would still go back to my husband, because for my daughters sake I feel I should.But also I love my husband and am grateful to him for looking after me all these years. This man wasn’t supposed to happen. I was working at going back to my husband. This man is married, but he has never been in love. I think he is now for the first time. He is 48, I am 41 and it has happened for the both of us. I wonder what will happen. I just don’t know.

  28. 28
    Anonymous Says:

    I am one of those women who has stayed married for my kids and family. I was the one who did it all.. I married the wrong guy I was so hurt from my first love I married someone who I knew could never hurt me…. he is my best friend but the attraction has always been as freinds for me but i was a good wife and always put his needs above mine when our last daughter got married I felt so empty and so not alive no passion in my life since i was 18.. my own daughter said mom your beautiful let yourself fall in love your stronger now and the hurt is so worth the feelings of joy…. i prayed that if god wanted me to find the man of my dreams he would send him to me…. bam one day there he was the new nieghbours it was instant for him as well we can both remember the day… yes we are both still married but we both know we have to be together… and want to make it as painless as possible for the other people but i have never felt more alive and happy and i can’t believe at this age you can still have those feelings… we both know we love eachother and both married for all the wrong reasons and put our families first but the connection was so strong we couldn’t help but confess our fellings weeks after we met… it was crazy… I believe when ou marry not for love yu spend your whole life seeking it and when yu find it boy oh boy u can’t let go

  29. 29
    Anonymous Says:

    Found out my much-loved husband was having affair with local woman in small town.He ended it and is doing his best to gain my trust and respect.However I still don’t understand why he did it, he swears he has never stopped loving me so how could he hurt somebody he loves so much and risk destroying a fantastic family who adore him. I took him back because I was so ashamed of his behaviour, I simply did not want people to know that he could do such a horrible thing. What makes the situation far more difficult for me is that I know the lady really well, I teach her children and our children are all the same age and involved in the same activities/sports in this same small town. I decided not to tell her husband as I hoped everything would just settle down and I didnt want her kids affected by what I may start if I were to tell him, plus I was afraid of how he may react and what he may do to my husband. I’m very bothered by all this nearly 10 months on and seeing her nearly every day of the week doesn’t help. What should I do

  30. 30
    Anonymous Says:

    #29, tell her husband. He has a right to know.

    In fact, all you people cheating, you should tell your spouses. They have a right to know. If the affair really is true love and a gift from God, then it will all turn out perfect, right? If you have become as mature as you claim, then being an adult and being honest to those you have an obligation to is the mature adult thing to do.

    However, I am not so sure God operates with lies and deceit, and not so sure mature adults running around to cars, hotel rooms, and broom closets while texting and emailing their undying love, soul-mate connection, and convincing themselves it is ok is very mature, either. The selfishness of an affair is neither Godlike nor mature. Perhaps that is just me.

  31. 31
    Anonymous Says:

    Just be careful. If the married person leaves the spouse, they could live to regret it later, because love is something underneath and not a feeling. They could be acting on impulse, boredom through lack of communication, and feelings.

    Suddenly they miss what they had with the former spouse and find out that these “feelings” they have for the affair partner do not last either when reality and the daily routines hit.

    I have heard of this many times. How can you trust anyone who acts out their feelings like this anyway? They almost always lie to their spouses and affair partners. How can you trust an affair partner?

  32. 32
    Anonymous Says:

    What tickles me is people keep trying to bring God into an affair. Seems like its because of their lack of relationship with God that they are having an affair to begin with! God was VERY CLEAR..Thy shall not commit adultery. Simple! Stop trying to excuse your bad behavior by dragging God into your adulterous mess! Adultery is filthy, deceitful, hurtful and wrong. None of that God gives passage to. UGH!

  33. 33
    Anonymous Says:

    I have been married for 9 years together with my spouse for 13 total. I married him for the wrong reasons i had been hurt and thought he was a good guy who would take care of me and never hurt me. Well even though he didnt hurt me we have grown apart and we are in the process of a seperation/divorce. i met a married man who at first i said no to but couldn’t resist after awhile. he is having a bad relationship too and was disconnected from his wife as well. There is a reason we met and cheated. i fully believable that people who are truely happy dont cheat and there are reasons for it. Now i am making changes and trying to move on from my husband and he says he is planning on leaving but cant make that step.. we have been together 8 months and i dont know if i am just being stupid and waiting for him.. I LOVE HIM!! But i dont want to wake up and say why did i wait? i am divorcing my husband no matter what i just feel like what the other man is saying to and what he does are going to be two different things..

  34. 34
    Anonymous Says:

    My best friend has been having an affair the entire time he has been married. I believe he should tell his wife the truth and face whatever consequence. He says he loves this other woman. She is getting tired of waiting. He should just man up, tell the truth and move on

  35. 35
    Anonymous Says:

    i hate women who justify this behavior. what do you mean it just happened. u chose 2 let it happen. have you heard of self control? some of these stories.married women w married man.people r so screwed up. go to church. do some sould searching and get a grip.

    bottom line is since the bond of a affair is typically a problem bond its not a solid foundation as it would be with someone single.how do u expect your doomed relationship to work out. wake up…

  36. 36
    Anonymous Says:

    I have been with a man since I was sixteen years old and I am now thirty years old. We have two children together.I worshiped the ground he walked on for years and would never cheat or even talk to another man. Six years ago he had an affair with our neighbor and had a child. Ever since I found out about the affair and the child our relationship is diminishing. I have grown so far apart from him and a part of me hates him. The resentment I have towards him is so deep and I believe I dont love him anymore.I met a wonderful man recently and want to pack my stuff up and leave. I want so badly to be with this other man and I feel like I am falling in love with him. I have been miserable for so long and just want happiness in my life. The pain of an affair is horrible but when a child comes out of it the pain is indescribable. I am desperatly needing advice from anyone that can give it to me.

  37. 37
    Anonymous Says:

    My husband of 16 years- found a woman from another state on line- now he left me and our teenagers. he does not want a divorce, but everything is my fault- he chooses her over over our kids. He moved out 10 weeks ago and has spent 4 weeks with her and less than 4 days total with his children. he lives in our state- she lives on the west coast. She broke up her marriage from him all he did was move out for her. she is his soul mate and has money. We had debt and life issues. Will it last? Should i take him back? All he does is blame me and lie.

  38. 38
    Anonymous Says:

    I left my spouse and my former boyfriend left his spuose and we moved out together, and we attempted to live happily after. Karma has come around to bite the both of us. I broke up with him to get right with God and eventually moved out, and he felt I was abandoning him. We finally reconciled but decided we would not be intimate until the divorces were final. Then he became a little too overwhelming and I broke it off with him and ended up seeing one of my old boyfriends (short term). This devastated my ex tremendously and then he begin seeing someone. Bottomline, the hurt that we gave to our spouses was eventually turned on us. I am not daming anyone, but I can say from experience that we all reap what we sow. This man has now moved on to another woman after only two days of our being separated and calls her his “soul mate” and he has done some awful things to me on behalf of her emotions. Bottomline, I started on a complete high and I have now reached lows that I never knew possible. Be careful what you do to others, it comes back. Many of us do not like to be alone, but the true solution is to be still and not in a relationship for a while to learn yourself, only then can you give you to someone else. regards.

  39. 39
    Anonymous Says:

    Kudos to #13 posting. Life is a journey of learnings, with the highest regard paid not to those that live a perfect existence, but to those who overcome and learn from their experiences. It is easy to cast stones on others, but true insight only comes when you open your eyes to the fact that everyone leads a different life, and most try their best to do the right thing. You should not judge people, all you can do is try and understand actions.

    Affairs are symptoms of greater problems in the primary relationship and in those people that are participating in the secondary relationship. Understanding it and trying to fix and move beyond those issues are the goal. Where that takes you depends on your relationships, your beliefs, and your ability to honestly face who you are and what you are feeling.

    If I had one piece of advice, coming from someone who has seen and been through it all, it would be to slow down your life and take this opportunity to learn what it is you are missing, what you really want from a relationship, and to realize that all you truly need you can find within yourself – independent of anyone or anything.

    I encourage people to reserve their judgement on others actions and look inward to find the answers. I wish you all peace with your situations – remember that most things tend to work out for the best.

  40. 40
    Anonymous Says:

    Ending a marriage and coming to the realization that it is over is a tough road but sometimes it needs to end especially if two people are on two different tracks. I met a friend(old boyfriend) from 35 years ago when a mutual friend brought us together just before he passed away. My marriage was on the way out and he is divorced just looking to enjoy life again. We have been in contact since for about 7 months and did have one night of an affair. We talk on phone daily and realize that we have a connection but know we need to take things slow. I need to end my marriage not for him but because I am not happy anymore long before the affair. But I will not use him as a rebound and have told him that. We do not live in the same state and we do understand that and respect each other for that. If it is meant to be when everything is said and done than so be it. We do share alot of things in common and I am seeing a counselor for this so take things slow and work though the emotional ride and if meant to be he will be there in the end. If not you have to be happy life is too short.

  41. 41
    Anonymous Says:

    Wow!I feel compelled to type something but I don’t know what. Every soul is hurting here for some reason or another. What I entered into was a choice. I have never done anything like this before. You all seem to use the word soulmate when describing your lover. We all seem to have the same feelings toward our lovers. Most of us do not leave because we do not want to hurt our families, children or spouses. I beat myself up every single day for what I am doing but I cannot give it up. I am 41 and he is 48 so we are not young. So I continue and wait for judgement day. I have seen several therapists and been down that road. Just waiting for the boom!

  42. 42
    Anonymous Says:

    This is not an easy situation. I wish you all luck.

  43. 43
    Anonymous Says:

    For those of you who have not experienced an affair from either side, please do not judge those who do. Affairs just happen. I have been the receiving spouse of a husband who had an affair and was devistated when I found out. Now almost 20 years after that divorce, I am currently involved with a married man who I find myself very much in love with. I am realistic in that he is married and will always be. Today is for today and tomorrow is promised to no one. I am living my life to the fullest and he fills that part of my life where I have found no other. We are careful and I never wish his wife to know. I do not want her to feel that pain. So, to those of you who condemn adulterers, I hope that none of you ever find yourselves in a situation where you are confronted with the decision to have an affair. However, if you do, I hope that there is not judgment for what you do. Walk a mile in someone elses shoes then you may be able to understand. For those of you in affairs or contemplating one, be sure you are real with yourself about your reasons and be realistic about the situation. Affairs can take you to a fantasy world, but the harsh reality of it is that one or both persons involved in the affair are married and that situation will not likely change. Good luck to you all!

  44. 44
    Anonymous Says:

    My situation is alittle different. I’m dating a married man from another country but lives here in the U.S. We started as friends but after months of denial, I gave in. He confessed to me he saw coming to america with her as an oppurtunity. He hardly could speak english and didnt understand completely that he got married. He asked me to wait for him until he was a citizen and could break things off without hurting her. We fell in love and have made it through all the stressful times and did I mention we work together. Waiting for him is hard but manageable until she intentionally got pregnant. He was shocked and came to me and let me know the day he found out. He told me he couldn’t live without me and I felt the same way. We are just friends now and continue to wait for him even though it is hard. The love we have for each other is real and I feel that if we do things the right way we will end up together. Besides, she doesnt deserve that and I feel bad for her everyday.

  45. 45
    Anonymous Says:

    My son ended up in an affair and left his wife. He and his girlfriend both say it just happend. Sorry, every thing you do is a choice. They did not just hurt thier spouses, but her child, and all the people who love him. This has affected my husband and I in ways we cannot belive. We lost a daughter-in-law we loved dearly, we grieve for the grandchildren we will never have (new girlfriend can’t have anymore) and we lost faith in our son and our teachings. We have both said all his life, if you want to become involved with someone else, put it on hold until you are out of the relationship you are in. NO ONE deserves to be drug through that hell. Please people, wake up and understand that what you are doing is affecting SO many people around you. Your world is not only about you. It’s the ripple effect. New girlfriend thinks I should ‘get over it’ and has decided that I can decide to like it or not. We don’t see him alone anymore, she just doesn’t think it’s right that she be left alone while he visits us, of if we take him out to eat, she thinks she should be allowed. I pray every hour of every day that she will go away sooner rather than later, the sooner the better, hopefully he will wake up before he’s 50, wonders where he went wrong, and relizes that he can’t have a happy family and children.
    Just think about it. There is NEVER winners in an affair. If you want it, leave the marriage, then look for that ‘soulmate’. If you think it’s headed for one, step back and make a choice. Oh what a tangled web we weave.

  46. 46
    Anonymous Says:

    #43 Thank you for sharing…keeping it real takes you a longer way than being part of bad marriage. Most marriages end up being a lie anyway. the only difference is some are willing to shrink to fit and stay in that institution at all costs.
    #45 For all of you who think the children will never figure it out you are wrong. The day will come when your child will call you up on it and what are you going to say??? I stayed unhappy for you. Grandma your son’s marriage was never about your potential Grand-babies so quit having an affair with your ex-daughter-in-law. You are missing out on having a better relationship with your son.

  47. 47
    Anonymous Says:

    Sorry #46, I’m not in a relationship with the ex. And yes, I do grieve for the life I want but has been taken away from me. I also can’t stand the twit that is so very proud of the fact that she got my son to ‘do her’ and leave his wife. They have both hurt so many people, and they continue to do so. Yes, I am missing a relationship with my son, but it is because this person he has become is not my son. I’m trying to learn to love this new person he is, but it’s hard to do since twit is ALWAYS around. All I’m saying is that if THINK before you do it, get out of what you are in, THEN do what ever it is you want with whoever you want, less people would be hurt.

  48. 48
    Anonymous Says:

    I never should have married in the first place for various reasons 22 years ago but stayed because it is what you should do. I have been involved with a married man for over 4 years and am preparing for separation as it is only fair to my husband to get out. My true relationship is what I have been lacking all along and he finds the same in me. We have together dealt with a lot of crap and are still hanging in there. You only live once and its important to be happy. The only snag is that he has a business where people need to trust him and if this is revealed it will affect it. This is the only thing stopping him right now. There is a chance he may never have the guts to make a change. We are in limbo right now but cannot imagine life without eachother. Did we plan for this to happen – of course not. Do we understand the complications and how many can be hurt by it – yes. So we continue to only hurt ourselves and eachother by not doing anything too drastic or quickly (even after 4 years – we are trying to be patient). Its messy and complicated and frustrating – but we have faith in eachother that it has to work out someday. Does anyone understand this? Or am I crazy?

  49. 49
    Anonymous Says:

    #48, if you think the only people who are being hurt are the 2 of you, you have lost your mind. You are not checked into your relationship which means you are hurting your husband and any kids, no matter what age. The pain doesn’t start when you leave, the people you love know you’re not giving any of them 100%, cause your busy sneaking off with him. And sorry Sweetie, but if he REALLY wanted to build a relationship with you, he would do it, he might lose a little business but if he knows his stuff it will return. I was once told that if you are in a relationship you have to hide, then you shouldn’t be in it.
    Keep on kidding yourselves people.

  50. 50
    Anonymous Says:

    I met my husband 16 years ago. We dated for 5 years then he proposed. 3 months before our wedding day I found out he had been having an affair with another woman. I was so deeply in love I forgave him. Months after we married I found out he had never cut off his relationshio with the other woman. I was still so in love I forgave him again. Eventually the relationship with the other woman ended. We had three children. Since then our marrige has had ups and downs. One of our children had medical problems and at times I thought that bonded us closer.I dedicated myself to him and my children. I know he was not as in love with me as I was with him, but it broke my heart when on our 10 yr anniversary vacation he admitted he never loved me as much as I did him. I immidiatly fell out of love for him. It was like a light bulb went off.
    5 months ago I met another man at work we started an affair. I never thought somthing like this would ever happen to me, but I think I am falling in love with this other man.I am lost right now. My plan was to stay in my marrige for the children, but should I continue in a loveless relationship?

  51. 51
    Anonymous Says:

    Why don’t you guys just call it what it is… I’m going to leave my family and hurt everyone around me, husband, kids, parents, in-laws, brothers, sisters, EVERYONE, but I really want someone to tell me I’m doing the right thing and that it’s okay. That way I will have SOMETHING to hold on, someone on an forum told me it was okay, that they were doing it too. Again, if you have to hide it, it’s not right. Either do or don’t, stop dragging the family down with you. But remember, sometimes, you get what you deserve.

  52. 52
    Anonymous Says:

    I am not sure if it counts but I was in a relationship with a man who had been with the woman he was with for 5 years. 2 1/2 of those years I was also involved. I know that if any of you are like I was……..in the beginning I liked the idea of having someone who was not available. I was married for 5 years and it was very emotionally and physically abusive. I was 2 years out of my marriage when I started seeing him. I liked the fact that I had the comfort of a man without the control. He couldn’t tell me what to do or ask me where I’d been because he had no rights. It was fun, risky, and detached. Or so I told myself……so much time went by and all we ever did was get closer. I had never felt this way about anyone. I would advise any woman or man that says “this is not something they would ever do” to really evaluate why they are doing it. The pain that comes from knowing the person your in love with shares a home and a life with someone is justice at its finest for the choice you made to allow them to betray the one they are with. No matter what the circumstances. Now he has since moved out of the house they share and it has not been what I always imagined the day would be. Or days. 6months have passed and we are further apart emotionally than we have ever been. I want a relationship…….he wants time….Time? I mean I look at it as I have waited 2 1/2 years and this has always been about what he wanted. I know nothing I say can change anyones mind. BC for some reason even as a child doing something wrong is always so much more fun. But there will be a line, and once its crossed there is no turning back. I love him. Always will and have loved him from the very start. I know he loves me but I am not sure that a relationship that started out as a lie can ever be anything but that. Be smart……get out while you can. Don’t do it to yourself. Don’t do it to her(him)……….thanks.

  53. 53
    Anonymous Says:

    Turn the tables. If you were the one being faithful, how would you feel if you found out it was being done to you. You would accept the excuse that you didn’t mean for it to happen, or that it ‘just’ happened. If you have to hide it, you shouldn’t be in it.

  54. 54
    Anonymous Says:

    I want to share my story on rebound relationships. My wife started seeing a man last late summer/fall, they are together now after I exposed their affair. My wife and I had been thru a rough period, full of stressors that our relationship suffered. I guess she wanted an out because she couldn’t handle it anymore, but she chose to lie to me about her affair (wasn’t sure what she wanted?) until february when I finally pieced it together. Our children are with me, she moved to her hometown, about 1hr 1/2 away. Since the fall she moved there, alot better to hide her affair. Ever since I exposed her affair she’s been defending her actions (I left you long ago, i just didn’t tell you, he treats me so good, I feel loved and wanted) and she’s been hurftul, as was I (‘he’s the best lover, most giving person,etc’) It’s been 3 months and I’ve left them alone, my request for her to help me financially has been ignored, but she always has money for her parties with her bfriend almost every weekend.
    Looking back, I should’ve let them be as my words only strengthened their relationship. By the way I checked her facebook status before and recently,she lists relationship status as ‘engaged’ while he has kept his ‘single and looking to date’ status. ?
    Now, 12 years ago we separated for 4 years, she was with this same guy briefly. To give you and example of how “f$$kd up and doomed this relationship is, my wife and her bf were togther briefly, I met his then current wife at the same time. He didn’t know me but he used to come see his wife everyday (they were split up and we were taking a 4 week addiction/recovery program togethr), he would be begging his wife to take him back and that his gf, my separated wife, meant nothing to her. He said this everyday while lying to my Ex. Anyway, he went back to his Ex and my wife quickly found someone else until 2000 when there was a violent episode. I took my kids back that year, and she decided that she would move in with me and the kids in my home.
    So today, my kids are here, they are teens now, she texts me more frequently now, guess the anger and defensiveness is gone. Oh, I must tell you also that I sent an email via facebook to this guy, after I found out who he was, my wife told me. He also told her that I slept with his wife, anyway I vented to him via email (another mistake in hindsight) and he replied that my ex wasn’t getting her needs met. Ya, pretty obvious. It’s easy for him to be the White Knight because he’s not there when there was tough going. This guy will get his eventually because I believe that once my wife tires of him and starts to see him, warts and all, it’ll just be a matter of time when Karma will hit the both of them. I don’t know if I’ll take my wife back even for the kids’ sake. I was lied to and my life has been so miserable, but now i’m on the right track. I’m feeling more confident, my smile is back and I’m becoming happy again. Idn’t know but I think my wife is noticing because she is starting to reminisce and commmunicate in a friendly way, like she misses the everyday things we used to share like taking our grandbabies for a nature walk, joking and laughing, etc. That’s my story so far and I am sorry if I left anything out or didnt’ write with a timeline. Please give me your input if you care to.
    Lee

  55. 55
    Anonymous Says:

    #54 My god dont take your wife back you have obviously been hurt so much by her how would the trust and the love you had for her ever be the same again personally i dont think it would be the same and as for him what a scum bag what goes around comes around well thats what i say!! It also sounds like she is really starting to regret her actions and if i was you my answer would be tough shit you have moved on and you deserve all the happiness in the world good luck in the future and not all women are nasty bitches its women like her who give us good ones bad names!!!!

  56. 56
    Anonymous Says:

    Lee,
    DO NOT take her back. In the words of Dr. Phil, you teach people how to treat you. If you let her treat you that way and then all is fine, she will do it again and again. Don’t set yourself up for failure again. You said your smile is back and you are recovering. Stay on that road. If you want her in your life have her there as an aquaintance. Don’t let her move in, don’t let her become a part of YOUR life. Move on, and as #54 said, not all of us are nasty bitches, some of us will stand by our men, and are grateful that they stand by us. Give it time, the right one is out there. Hopefully she can learn and move on too.
    Stay strong!!!

  57. 57
    Anonymous Says:

    My husband was having an affair after 20 years with a bar maide, he broke it off with her and started dating another bar maide at the same bar. A few weeks before christmas we had a confrontation about a situation she didn’t know about a week later I found out he was engaged to her, and was told by a confident friend she sold a car to buy her own engagement ring. He finally filed for divorce a 1 1/2 years after he left he hasn’t seen the kids until he filed and we started proceedings. My oldest who is 17 doesn’t want nothing to do with the fiance she is deeply hurt. His mother also passed away during this time, and she was nowhere around the next morning. He has quit talking to me totally, whereas before we would talk because of the kids but he is now talking to an ex from high school. Will this relationship really work? I’m worrried about my younger kids even though the judge says he needs to fix his relationship with the kids, this lady is psycho I don’t trust her around the kids because of things that have happened in the past.

  58. 58
    Anonymous Says:

    Its sad to say this but I was always against cheaters and affairs. However I married at the tender age of 18. I came from a abusive family hold, and he was 26 and offered shelter and support. I’m now 24 he’s 31 and I’ve realized through 6 years of marriage I’m no longer happy. Its unfortunate I don’t have a job to support myself bc he insisted on my not working all these years, I do apply for jobs how now but with the economy the way it is it seems like an impossiblity. I have dealt with physical and emotional abuse. I’ve been beaten to the point that my pelvic bone is shifted and have had my head put through a wall. These aren’t excuses for my actions however. I will now explain what is going on. I got in touch with a highschool guy friend through a website thing you know I don’t want to disclose which site however we started talking as friends and he’s in the military, and in another country. We talk everyday online, and things have gotten to the point where we love eachother, I know some of you must think this is impossible b/c I said those vowels when I wed 6 years ago. I tried to leave before and it was impossible I was crashing at a friends house and still couldn’t find a job, and things where hard. This man tells me he is coming for me next year, he wants to be with me, he wants me move in with him. We have been talking for 1 year which is alot longer then when I first got married which was only 3 months and I married the guy. I know I have to tell my husband but I know for the sake of my safety and others its best to wait till I leave. I know I will be judged by some of you but my intentions where not seek this out it was a highschool friend, its not for better looks, or for money its all for the sake of the enjoyment of his company and much more. I will leave my husband but my marriage is unhealthy I was faithful, honered him, respected him even after the abuse I’d accept anything and everything however I was you and should have left the first time it happened but I didn’t know better then I was young and didn’t know that this wasn’t how a loved one should treat another. My love for my is gone, and its not b/c I didn’t try I’m just tired of being controlled told what to go to school for, and there isn’t a day that I’m not called a degrading name. well it just feels good to say this to you all share my story you know. I pray and ask god for forgivness all the time I know he’s the one to judge me for this in the end but god knows whats in your heart for realizes you can;t fool him and I know god see’s what I have been through and what I have been through god would have not condemed and say its ok at least your being faithful to eachother he would not approve emotional abuse, adultry, or emotional abuse any differently he would disapprove them no sin is greater than another… I just pray he understands that I’m drowning as a person in my marriage and I can no longer deal with the abuse it could be just damaging. For the record there has been nothing sexual between us it doesn’t make it better but I wouldn’t dare.

  59. 59
    Anonymous Says:

    Its’ 54. Thanks for all your input in regard to my situation. I wanted to share a few more things about this stuff that’s drained my spirit and everthing else.
    I did send a mean email thru facebook to her partner. It happened right after he txtd using my ex partners’ cell, this was around 3 wks ago. he was trashtalking and saying cruel stuff. I decided on my impulse (big no-no!) of my partner, how she was using crack til i caught her, drug addict, very promiscous when drunk (which i had to witness, her hitting on men and refusing to come home after the parties. I’m a musician part time,so I played alot of wedding dances, etc.. anyway I wrot thie letter to him all about what she is really like. Well, the guy decided to show hazel everything I said, even tho it was meant for him, In hindsight I was still hurt so i wanted to hurt them both. I would neverthink of doing anything physical,i have my children to think about. So when she did see it (Idk why he would show it to her,knowing it was hurtful things meant to chase him away) you see I had forgot to tell u that this man was very abusive,physically, emotionally to his wife (Idk if they’re stil together. what kind of man would do such a thing? just to make herself look bad. maybe i was playing the saviour role once again as i did before, the martyr role as well. We continued to sleep together til feb when i found out, she still lied to me, said it was an imaginary bf i must be seeing.
    So today and the past week,I intentionally didn’t text her for anything and i’m keeping it that way. Anyway she txts, starts off pleasant, asking about the kids, then her mood swings wildly. she starts blaming me for evrything, our breakup, the email i sent to her bf, evrything is my fault. she told me that her doctor referred her to a mental health worker and she even accused me of influencing the dr! she accuses me of playing my games even when I say ‘hello’, its like i’m supposed to have a motive. i tried treating her with respect and not saying anything negative, even wishing them both wel, and out comes the “quit playing mind games and quit poisoning my kids about her. I ask my kids that they should pray for thr mom and to not think or say mean things to her. but there’s times when she sometimes gets me to believing that there is something wrong with me; “go see a psychologist” is this just one of hr many games. they say that if your partner still carries grief and loss issues, that means they are still thinking of you and the last thing they wanta see is you being happy. I know it aggravates her that i don’t take the bait in hr war of words anymore. so she’s targetting the kids now, to get them on her side, trying to convince them that she’s the innocent woman, rather then the cheater and liar. she tells me that Karma will get backto me.Me?? i’ve been nothing but nice to her now and i’ve put up many boundaries.

  60. 60
    Anonymous Says:

    Then listen to your gut, not the judge. Your the Mom, nobody protects your kids but you. Don’t do anything you will ever regret later.

  61. 61
    Anonymous Says:

    #54 its #55 again please please move on with your life she is playing head games with you and you have your kids to think about they are the most important people in your life if she had any sense she will realise what she has done to you and your kids and sort her life out. You need to move on now ignore him and if she was any kind of a mother she should realise the hurt and pain she is causing everyone around her. I would do anything for my kids they are my like my ex husband had an an affair with a woman 15 years younger than him and they even have a baby now together and yes my world was completly destroyed i married him for a reason i loved him with all my heart he is ten years older than me i was 21 he 31 i thought we were fine he worked away alot from home but the signs soon started to show anyway to cut a long story short i could of been such a bitch and stopped him from seeing his kids but it isnt fair on them i could of gone for her too big time but life is too short and yes he is gutted now after what has happened the baby wasnt planned but he has his life with her now and ive rebuilt mine and couldnt be better but you really need to put your foot down with her she cant play your kids off against you and screw thier heads up maybe seek legal advice there is alot you can do but remember its her that has been in the wrong right from the very beginning sweetie not you i really feel for you and i hope it gets sorted you deserve all the happiness in the world and so do your kids. Take care

  62. 62
    Anonymous Says:

    Affairs don’t just happen; people involved allow them to happen. Either there is no self-control or improper boundaries when one is in an affair. I’d be a hypocrite now if I said otherwise, because I’ve been there, I had an affair 5 years into my marriage. It lasted a year, my then husband never found out (I did confess years later). It was selfish, deceitful, and a pure waste of time. I had no delusions about ‘love’ for the other man, it was purely for attention, which I lacked and mistakenly blamed on my then husband. Having just had a daughter, not losing all the baby weight, pressures of parenthood while working, the ‘honeymoon’ now over, there was love between me and my husband, but something was missing: excitement, and I sought it elsewhere. Years after the divorce, I ran into the other man, he said something like ‘we’re both single, we could see if things work out'; uh, no. Seriously, when you know what you’re doing is wrong, how can you respect/love an affair partner that could be as deceitful and selfish. Anyone caught up in an affair, whether they think they’ve found their soul mate or whatever they’ve dreamt up, they still feel guilt, they still know it’s wrong; therefore why would you think so highly of the other man/woman when you know they’re also doing something wrong? Isn’t that just logic?

    While caught up in the excitement of an affair, you’re on a high with your head in the clouds, not thinking clearly; this surely leads people to push the guilt away, sweep it under the rug, and in most cases, blame their spouse for any and whatever reason. Most people even say, my spouse doesn’t make me happy; any mature individual knows no one else is responsible for their happiness, and if maturity is not enough, the $150/hour counselor will tell you that. Some go so far as believe this new person is ‘the one.’ Really? How well do you know this person? Did your spouse ever think you would turn out to be this lying, cheating person? Better yet, many people who have affairs never thought they could be that lying, cheating person, so say we don’t really know ourselves, how can we really know the affair partner? How can we invest lock, stock, barrel, and heart to this person we really don’t know; unless of course, we think so little of ourselves and what we have to give. Does a though ever occur that the affair partner could be lying, putting up a good front for now?

    Trust me folks, I’ve paid dearly; I’ll be first to admit and believe what goes around comes around. Don’t ever think that when you set out to do such a hurtful, selfish thing that you’ll get away scot free. Karma always looms, and guilt is always there!

    To #44 – you’re now ‘just friends.’ I sure hope this isn’t your guilt talking. Because what you have is an ‘emotional affair’ – actually worse than a ‘physical affair’ when it comes to deceiving the spouse. Yes both types of affair are bad, but if he’s leading his wife to believe that he loves her, after all, she is pregnant, so she must think he loves her and loved her enough to come to America with her (or could she be that stupid? or could it be he wants you to believe she’s a conniving woman?). He wants you to wait until he becomes a citizen? You’re single, heck even if you were married – is this all you really deserve? A married man who’s used a woman/his wife for citizenship who wants you to ‘wait’ for him, while he and his wife await their child? I’m not just saying this, I sincerely hope you do what you eventually feel is right for you.

  63. 63
    Anonymous Says:

    To make a long story short… I’m in an affair. Both emotional and sexual. I ended up seperating from my HB of 8 years shortly after it started about a year ago, and he is still with his wife. In addition, I’ve known him for almost 5 years ever since I moved here. His wife is very sick and to be quite honest, I probably wouldn’t let him leave her even if he chose to (I’d probably leave him immediately). He’s stated that part of him wants to but I have maintained all along that he cannot – so I guess that’s been established. She’s had cancer several times and she has other ailments that truly debilitate her. It’s hard on him because almost everything about their marriage is just plain exhausting.

    We’re currently “friends” but of course that always ends up failing because of how we feel about one another, plus yeah we have a very raw attraction that is very hard to ignore. We have the type of relationship that would work amazingly well if we had the chance to let it flourish, but for now it is what it is… It’s a deep forever type of connection though (probably deeper than either one of us has ever had with anyone). And that’s not just lip service, I know better.

    At any rate, this has been going on for a while now and I’ve learned to just sit back and be there for him the best that I can without losing myself. I am healing from my marriage and I’m now in counseling to help me find ME. Other than what we’re doing, he is a beautiful man, just mixed up and I know that. I’m not trying to “fix” him, just be there for him.

    On his Birthday, yesterday, we saw eachother. We also talked for most of the day. I was introduced to his sweet little “Mama” who just stole my heart. We had coffee together and just had a plain wonderful afternoon. Could this get anymore CRAZY??? I feel like it’s a damn Jerry Springer episode half the time, though it all seems completely natural and comfortable. Until the wife finds out though… Yeah, that’s an issue and it eats me up inside because I pray that she never finds out.

    I suppose I really have no advice. I’m just sharing this “all in a nutshell story” so that maybe someone can make sense of it. I had always advocated the marriage institution, ALWAYS. But like some of you said “sometimes you just don’t see it coming”. And when you don’t see it coming, how do you deal with it? I look at marriage completely different now.

    I know I’ll end it at some point, afterall some days it just hurts too much to face the hard truth that it will never amount to anything other than what it is. He can’t leave her and I’m not going to wait around and waste the best years of my life… I’m not blind to it, I’m just not ready to give it up completely, not yet. The rollercoaster gets tiring at times and a person can only take SO much before they need to get off, for good. Even if the ride is so very sweet, the bumps are often too much to bear.

    If there is one thing I’ve learned from this, it’s to never find myself in an affair situation again. If I ever do re-marry (which I’m sure I will) it will be for all of the right reasons. And I am fully aware with how hard that is to find. So I suppose I’ll just learn to be content on my own for a while, which honestly isn’t a bad thing.

    So, my story is not one of success really. At least not yet. It is one full of pain and hurt, betrayl and lies. Even if it doesn’t seem that way. I chose to ignore it, and so did he. I’ll have a hard time leaving him and He’ll have a tough time losing me but hopefully he’ll learn from it, like I did. And if not, well I guess I shouldn’t let that worry me.

    I wish you all luck. It’s certainly not an easy path we chose… Soulmate or sex toy, there are SO many people that suffer in an affair… The best thing to do is protect as many people as you can if you are ever faced with it. Try to fix the reasons for doing it in the first place and move on so that it never happens again. And if you should be as so lucky to get a chance with your “soulmate”, then embrace it and cherish it. Don’t repeat the mistakes that led to it and take the time to HEAL everyone that is involved.

  64. 64
    Anonymous Says:

    To 63, I too have been in an affair with a man with a sick wife. We have known each other for close to 15 years. The affair started 7 years ago. I never asked or expected him to leave her.I’ve just been there for him. Well, his wife passed away about a month ago. Again, I am here for him. He says he wants to be with me, but needs time to get over the guilt that he is feeling now that she is gone. We talk much more often, now, but I do not initiate any of the contact. I want to show him respect and give him the time he needs. I’m not sure where all of this will end up. I’ve been single for 10 years, myself, and have become very independent. It’s just hard for me sometimes to overlook the love and mental connection that I’ve experienced with him from the beginning.Looks like I am about to experience a whole new “roller coaster” ride.

  65. 65
    Anonymous Says:

    It seems some people on here are bashing people for their affairs, but if you are married, isn’t there anyone who realizes that just b/c you are married doesn’t mean you’re guaranteed that that person will always be there, you have to work at things and try to make that other person happy, and find out what makes them happy. I have been married for 13 yrs. to someone who never cared to keep our marriage going, his attitude and comments border on being verbally abusive, he’s a bully. It’s come to a point of no communication, no physical connection and finally I got tired of that and yes did enter into an affair with a man who is also married to someone who doesn’t care that he has needs in their relationship either. I’m sorry if this sounds cold, but I don’t feel bad for my husband as I’ve tried several times to talk with him and he didn’t care. So I found someone who is looking for what I was and we just keep it simple, I’m not looking to leave, but I don’t want to look back 20 yrs from now and say, Oh yes, I was faithful at the expense of my happiness and needs. You only have 1 life, I’m not saying go around steamrolling everyone over, but I’m glad I took the chance to find some happiness while I can.

  66. 66
    Anonymous Says:

    #65, I understand where you’re coming from, and don’t judge you. Four years ago, I was in a very similar place to you myself. The difficulty might come if (a) one of the spouses finds out and cares for the first time in a long time and won’t put up with it; and/or (b) either you or your affair partner wants more than the affair/unsatisfactory marriage combination. (Like you don’t realize that already!!) But you’ll deal with it in time, either way. In my situation, I wanted more than the affair or the lousy marriage, and my husband wasn’t willing to work things out, so the marriage ended but I remained involved and in love with my affair partner, who for various reasons of his own is still on the fence. I would say that my current dysfunctional situation (being the other woman) is a very slight improvement over my former position as the abused and neglected wife, so I’m headed in the right direction. But lately, it really is beginning to dawn on me, at the emotional level, that I really do deserve more, and probably can’t go on being the person who can just be put to the side when necessary (and to be the other woman is to agree to that role). I’ve known that intellectually for a long time, but for some reason, I couldn’t feel it. So, being able to feel it is a further step towards a better life and healthier relationships, I think. I wish you well, whatever happens in your situation. And you’re right: we only live once. The logical/emotional implications of that reality might change for you over time, as they did for me. Good luck.

  67. 67
    Anonymous Says:

    I guess the part I don’t understand is why people stay in a marriage if they are so unhappy. Why are you even investing you time #65? I don’t care what you say there are people being hurt by your actions, that is why people are so against affairs. It’s really not all about you. Of course if you are so selfish to think that it is their might not be anyone in your life you would worry about hurting. You’ll no doubt think a lot of things when you review your life in 20 or 30 or 40 years, but I really don’t thing you’ll see it as being happy because you ‘found’ your happiness. Your looking for someone else to make you happy. Won’t ever happen my Dear. And what looks like happiness now will be disclosed when you do that reviewing as a huge mistake. Trust me on this one. Been there.

  68. 68
    Anonymous Says:

    Can a marriage survive if the wife found out the husband was having an affair for 1 year , and told the wife he was in love with this person and was a emotional and physical affair but yet is staying in the marraige because it cost to much to divorce with alimony and assets. i do know the wife is hurt and upset. They both have not told one person about affair for “image” reasons within their community.( i only know cause im the other woman) How do you just move on and act like this didnt happen or is this a trainwreck just waiting to happen?

  69. 69
    Anonymous Says:

    I posted earlier (54 :) I went thru these postings again and I realize how there are many situations that result in many different post-affair endings. My Ex’s honeymoon has seemingly ended, which is great for my children. I say this because my Ex is making time to call them and visit with them on weekends. She is very happy to see our family but she seems to drag this poor fellow/bf along when she does visit with our family (usually parks, Restaurants, movie). My one daughter mentioned to me that My Ex’s bf seems distant and doesn’t participate in any of the activities, but my Ex is having a great time with the family, something she obviously loves and missed very much. I have actually heard her sobbing on the phone on how much she is grieving for the family.
    This bf once remarked to me that “A woman looks elsewhere when she doesn’t have her needs met.” So I thought about that and I’ve concluded that, yes my Ex looked elsewhere to have her ‘needs’ met, but guess what happens when those needs are no longer turn him into that “White Knight”? In Karma, the transition partner comes in and out of peoples’ lives but frequently that person who is ‘used’ based on fulfilling the neeeds of needy people, finds that his/her role starts to diminish as time goes on.
    Now I have taken the advice of many people by not talking with her and not giving her the illusion that I’m always there to come back home to if things don’t work out. Sadly, in the past, I have had that Doormat role which I used to think was just me being a forgiving soul and seeing her unresolved pain, abuse as a child, etc. There will come a day when she will be knocking at my door, looking totally lost and alone. I really dont’ know what I’ll do on that day. Refer her to Mental Health? I have started meeting other women and there are nice women out there who actually listen and actually care how I feel. Imagine that? But I do know as a wounded veteran of heartaches, that I’m not really ready for another relationship because my wounds are still healing. I’ve let women know this as I don’t want to keep the cycle of affairs/secrecy/heartaches going. It stops with me and that sometimes that’s all we can do about ourselves and our former partners. I really do believe that God, or Karma does bring people into our lives to help us with our transitions (the important ones) in life. The problem is that we fall in love with these people who were only meant to help us in our transitional states. Sometimes we refuse to see these people for what they are, people who simply appear at the most important times in our lives when we need them to help, and the REAL problem is sometimes we think they are our Soulmates when in fact, they were our Soul Helpers.

  70. 70
    Anonymous Says:

    soul helpers absoultely, and i guess with a little faith we can belive that its a step in the right direction to be with the person that we are meant to be with!

  71. 71
    Anonymous Says:

    I have been married for 21yrs to a wonderful man. I honesty love him. My story is different in that I an NOT having an affair and neither is he. See, my husband works out of town at (a remote camp) and has done so for the past 12yrs. We have one teen left in our home. To put it plainly, I am Very lonely. As my husband is gone 3 or 4 weeks and home 1 week. I have openly and honestly stated my loneliness to him. I realize that he must be lonely as well(but he says he is so busy with work that his time passes quickly). I try to keep myself occupied with college classes and hobbies but for the most part I am home alone.(he doesn’t want me to work because of the week he is home I would be gone) Lately, I find myself enjoying the attention of other men “looking” at me when I am in town. I have told my husband this,(he say’s nothing) as I have stated that I am and always have been open and honest about every aspect of our marriage. I have also taken to the fantasy of getting my needs met while he is gone and not being honest to him (I’m 39- he’s 49). I am so scared of acting upon these feeling. I’m not here to bash anyone or even get my own “desires” validated. Perhaps I am just to needy of a person, but I’m also scared that the next 10 years will produce even more loneliness. I do not want to hurt my husband or destroy our family and throw away 21 years. I just want some advice on how to make my husband understand that I need more of him. Again, I am not having an emotional or physical affair or even have anyone in mind.

  72. 72
    Anonymous Says:

    To 71: I really admire your honesty and how self-aware you are about your loneliness and your needs not getting met, etc.. Your story sounds very familiar to mine, but my Ex didn’t have the self-control. I couldn’t help but think that this ‘Other guy’ saw a very needy woman and took full advantage. My ex was also 10 years younger then me as well. In sharing your story, I thought I caught a glimpse of my Ex and what she may have been going thru when the guy started paying attention to her. The guy and my EX have been together since January now, according to her it was over before she started their relationship. But I know that emotional affair counts and they have been seeing each other since last Fall. I guess he really turned it on as I recall my Ex getting text messages late at nite or she would run to the bathroom to receive a call. My Ex had decided that she was going to her hometown to help out with family and when she came back for the Christmas Holidays, she was very remote and didn’t want to be here with our family. Anyway, in your story I think it helps me to grasp where my Ex was at, at the time. My anger has died down. It still hurts to remember the lies and distorted way she sees how it started. You cannot reason with a former partner who truly believes she has done no wrong, even though you know in your heart what the truth was. It is just to help them ease their conscience and allows them to minimize their guilt. Your story has helped me to realize that there are women out there who really think before they get into affairs and how the loneliness and needs of a woman can make them do things they may regret later, and how you yourself may be one sweet talker away from an affair. Good luck with your marriage and your life

  73. 73
    Anonymous Says:

    To 72: Thank you for sharing your story. Your words of how I am “one sweet talker away from an affair” really frightens me. Although I know it’s true. I do not want to walk down that path, I realize it will hurt so many. I recognize that I am very needy and that perhaps my “loneliness” will surely pass. I cannot change the circumstances of him working away or even less time. That is not an option he is willing to do. My only option is to avoid a sweet talker, I know it sounds silly but it has worked so far. I feel really sorry for you and others who have went through the same sort of situation. I’ve read “well if your not happy just leave the marriage”. I am happy for that one week. When I started looking at the numbers of a 3 to 1 schedule over the past twelve years, I told my husband that he has been gone 9years and home 3 years. He said nothing. I do not want to “regret later”. ~Loneliness sucks!

  74. 74
    Anonymous Says:

    Two years ago I found out my husband had been having an emotional affair with his married college girlfriend for 7 of the 9 years of our marriage. I was devastated. Even though they never saw each other I treated him like it was a real affair and it felt like it to me. I was miserable for months. Then, I started to get over it, but never really have felt happy with him, again. We have other problems, but have two young boys. I thought I would just stay in a loveless, sexless marriage for my children. I was resigned to it and didn’t even really feel deprived. But, then, one night, I emailed my college boyfriend. He is married, too, with three beautiful daughters. I just thought we would remember the good old days and maybe flirt a little. Seven months later I found myself completely in love with him and he told me he loved me, too. We were planning to leave our spouses. Both always confirming that our divorces had nothing to do with each other. Then, last week, my husband saw some emails. He immediately contacted my college boyfriend’s wife. And, all of this ridiculousness has come to a screaming halt. I haven’t heard from my old boyfriend in a week. I cry every day like I have lost the love of my life. What if he is the love of my life and I have lost him, again? I feel awful for what I have inflicted on our spouses. But, I thought I saw a chance at a kind of happiness that I didn’t think existed. I thought we were trying to do the right thing and end our marriages without going too far. I am an intelligent, educated person. I never thought I would do this to another woman. I am ashamed and embarrassed. But, I am desperately lost without him. And, I know he must not really love me if he hasn’t contacted me. HOw could he let me hang out here not knowing how he is if he really cared for me? SO, now, I am the stupid jilted “other woman.” And, I will be a divorced forty something mother of two. I never worried about being alone before. I have been alone in my marriage for the last five years. But, now, I saw this possibility of a love and passion that I didn’t think really existed. So, I am acutely aware of what I have been missing. And, I am devastated to think that I will never have that kind of love in my life.

  75. 75
    Anonymous Says:

    I have posted on this site before and I find it to be very helpful in my own life and how my Ex and I separated. To 74, I couldn’t help but think of the situation with my Ex and her bf, who was her cheating partner. It’s been 4 months since I found out, through my Doctor and no longer denying the obvious signs of infidelity. What I wanted to share with you is that I have had to listen to my Exs’ comments (we have a family so we have to at least keep in touch) about how much she loves her Bf, how he’s the best lover, best man she ever met, blah blah.. It’s pretty obvious he isnt’ all that as she wouldn’t bother to throw it in my face if she was truly happy. Anyway, it seems as though the men who prey on vulnerable women seem to have in tune to what they should say to a needy woman, usually what the woman wants desperately to hear. Perhaps in the Honeymoon phase there is alot of gift giving, showering of attention. A call to say ‘I’m thinking of you.” Now you would think that people who get together under a cloak of lies and sneaking around would not last very long. But never underestimate the Power of Denial. I am absolutely sure that my Ex and her bf have zero trust in each other. My Ex seems so desparate to keep this guy on some kind of pedestal, as the most perfect, wonderful man on Earth. By now, I would wager that my Exs’ Boyfriend is already looking for a less needy woman or another woman to rescue to help boost his self-esteem. These two cheaters do have a history. They did have a brief fling before when we were separated (see 54,59,72) and one day I asked my Ex why she would even listen to anything this man says. She replied “He’s a changed man!” lol. Funny how I never seemed to have changed enough for her and she would never let me forget my transgressions from way back when. My message to you is; watch what your heart wants to believe. There are people out there who are such smooth and slick talkers that they could soak you for all your worth, leave you homeless, and still convince you that you’re merely just “Camping out” in the park. And you would be so desperate to believe anything that comes out of their mouth to avoid the pain of rejection and that feeling that perhaps you are unlovable. Believe in yourself. I had to have many painful nights and actual terrors of my future because I refused to let this woman cheat on me ever again. Now i’m realizing that I can live alone and be strong and independent. I don’t need her for happiness. In fact, she didn’t bring much to our relationship but selfishness and demands. best of luck and I hope you come out of this situation for the better.
    lee

  76. 76
    Anonymous Says:

    #74, similar situation, i feel i have lost the love of my life too when his wife found out and he didnt leave the family. Its devastating and you cant help but wonder what is going on in their head and how they can just shut off their feelings. I do belive if its meant to be it will happen, however i have been in a 5 year “dead” marraige. I am still going through with my divorce for my own peace of mind and doing it for myself. I now know i need that love and feeling in my life even though i lost the one i want to be with but i cant stay in an loveless marraige. I do belive things will fall into place eventually. again if its meant to be maybe our time and place will come in the future and do it the right way. but you need to make yourself happy first!

  77. 77
    Anonymous Says:

    #76. Thanks for your words. I am so struck by how panicked I feel about being alone. I have been considering asking my husband to come home. He is not a bad man. He is a good father and my life would be much easier if he were here in the house helping me with the boys. But, I don’t love him. He keeps telling me we can work on things and get our love back. But, I know I never had the passion for my husband that I have for this other man. This other man who clearly used me and doesn’t truly care about me. So, what is the choice: a man who loves me and is the father of my children or life alone as a single parent?

  78. 78
    Anonymous Says:

    #77 from 74 I am in the exact same postion, i completely feel your pain.i know what your feeling. Its the fear of the unknown and what can happen. i feel my child will only suffer if i stay in my marraige. i want to set an example of affection and love for a married couple. i know a single parent is hard, however you wont be alone forever. As long as you and your husband are both there for your kids.just keep an open heart and as time moves on you will get stronger and more confident. I am still a wreck over my affair however i know what i need to do. it will be best in the end. you need to do whats best for you! Look at it as not the “end of your life” however a new beginning!

  79. 79
    Anonymous Says:

    It’s interesting to note that so many people are having affairs and/or are impacted by affairs, enough to realize that it is more commonplace than not.
    To be sure, people can and do fall in and out of love several times throughout their lifetime – and not necessarily with the same person. Everyone longs to find “the one” or what has been referenced as the “soul mate” but in my opinion, we have several throughout various stages in our existence. The notion of just one seems a rarity.
    It seems logical that the committed relationships that result in one or both partners entering into affairs begin with the same anticipation of a forever love. The truth of the matter is, the “excitement” of love (and all the glorious things that go with it) mellow as the demands of children, careers, and the reality of responsible adult life sets in. This is where commitment and true respect for one another (and for oneself) is tested. Does one deal with the real issue – whatever that may be – or escape?
    But herein lays the crux. What one does with this understanding has the potential of impacting so many other people if taken with a cavalier approach. If one is truly unhappy in a relationship or not feeling fulfilled, it is the right thing to do for both parties to be honest about it. No doubt, this is also the most difficult path and requires far more energy. But, it is also the most respectful and loving avenue to take. Not just for your partner (and children if applicable) but for yourself. Then, openly…you can work on it, not work on it, leave, stay…whatever. But openly and honestly.
    It is also my opinion that affairs – and many will disagree with me – are generally just distractions. As much as they appear to be love…they are an avenue for attempting to fulfill something they feel their committed relationship or life is missing. However, the affair won’t address the ultimate issues. Most folks won’t leave their committed partners for the affair (a very few will). Because affairs are ultimately based on deceit (Come on! That is what makes it so taboo and exciting!) and not on truth – they rarely result in a strong, trusting, long term relationship. The sex may be terrific…but the partnership bond rarely develops.
    So, many choose to go the route of the affair. No doubt, it is an easy escape, a quick fix, a delicious distraction and takes ones mind away from complexities of adult responsibility. It’s certainly far easier than dealing with reality, working on the relationship, going to counseling or tending to the wellbeing of the children. Even more important, having an affair is easier than dealing and possibly healing what caused it to be an option for addressing unhappiness in the first place. Geez, who wants to invest that kind of time and energy anyway? That requires commitment.

  80. 80
    Anonymous Says:

    I love reading the self-righteous garbage that some of you are spouting. Affairs are not the problem, they are a symptom of the problem. When one spouse shuts the other one out both physically and emotionally the other spouse has nowhere else to turn. Most of the time affairs don’t cause marriages to fail; they are the product of failed marriages.

  81. 81
    Anonymous Says:

    I know what you mean, #80. I try to remember that no matter why they happen, and no matter what a person’s role in them, the bottom line is, they hurt. So, if you’ve been cheated on, you cling to your superior position and spout the self-righteous crap you’re referring to. If you’re cheating, you try to justify your behaviour. If you’re the “other” man or woman, you try to show that you’re “true blue” in your feelings. We all try to defend ourselves. And none of the defenses solve any of the problems, whether you’re married, having an affair, or whatever. Compassion rules, for ourselves and others.

  82. 82
    Anonymous Says:

    Affairs do hurt, #81, as I know from experience from all angles. My spouse has had an affair on me; I have had an affair; and I have been the ‘other’ person. In this experience I have observed that the cheated spouse is not always the victim; the cheating spouse not always wrong; the other person not always the villian. There is plenty of blame and compassion to go around.

    When one spouse takes the other for granted; pushes them away (emotionally and physically) and refuses to accept that there is a problem, what are they to do? It is human nature to seek out an emotional/physical connection with another person. If that connection isn’t being provided by the spouse, then affairs (emotional or otherwise) will occur.

  83. 83
    Anonymous Says:

    To the people who say “affairs just happen,” well, you can be attracted to many people, but it’s your CHOICE to cross the line. You CHOOSE to be selfish and don’t care who you hurt. That’s a choice, and if you’re married, or someone who is married is pursuing you, do yourself and the other people involved (spouses, kids, etc.,) a favor, make a different CHOICE.

  84. 84
    Anonymous Says:

    Sure, it is a choice. It is also a choice for the spouse of the person who had the affair to make themselves physically and/or emotionally unavailable to their spouse. They share in the blame, but they are the first ones who want to jump up and claim that they are victims.

  85. 85
    Anonymous Says:

    I have been a family attorney for 18 years. I have been intrigued by the issues and the responses. I don’t know what the answer is, some of us do in fact marry the wrong person. There is no question affairs can destroy quite a bit. However, from my experience in domestic court, there were certainly other problems in the marriages which quickly eroded them to “LOVELESS” room mates. I also agree with those who say God made it clear , adultery is a sin. We, and that includes me, all struggle with this on a daily basis. I am convinced that the Bible is the word of God. It states how sexual sin, ie adultery causes destruction and “death”. I won’t pass judgment on any of your responses, comments, or situations. It is tough, and it looks like some of you clearly married the wrong person, and it appears some of you are confused and in great emotional pain. I’ve been there. It’s not a club you want to belong to.

  86. 86
    Anonymous Says:

    Well, this is all very interesting. I am the other woman. I am the adulterous wife. I am divorced at my hand, even though my husband begged me to stay. My affair was a choice, I admit that. It started exactly 1 year ago and continues today. My children are doing ok, but are very young. Although, they do not completely understand, I assure you that they are more perceptive than I knew possible.
    About him… he left his wife 2 months before I left my husband and his leaving was less than a month after the affair started. His divorce was filed before mine, although after several continuances and very slow courts, he is not divorced. He was a dear friend of mine several years back that was brought back into my life. We have a long history of friendship. I know that I was in love with him back then and he professes that he secretly loved me also. We look back and do not understand how we did not follow through on the emotions then…but are strong enough now. His wife hangs on relentlessly stating for their girls who are old enough to understand. His children beg him to come home…they want Mom & Dad together, under the same roof (what child doesn’t).
    He says he wants the dream with me and trust me we have lots of them. I fear his children will hate me. I am sure they know who I am , what we have done and blame me for the demise of their family (his wife assured that they knew ‘daddy was having an affair’). I know he contemplates going home for the children. I feel his pain before he even discloses it to me. He also senses me and knows when something is wrong before I call or let him know.
    The affair is very painful. I cry alot. I try to understand my emotions that lead me here and what keeps me here. I never knew I was capable of an affair, but tell you that it came very easy with this man. I know that spiritually I am lost, I have done wrong. I have hurt a lot of people and am also hurting. But I have experienced a love that I never knew possible and a connection that is not understandable. Through all of this, I wish I would have had the strength to get out of my marriage prior to stepping into an affair. We have tried to end the affair several times without success.

  87. 87
    Anonymous Says:

    Judging from my Ex and her Cheating partner, who are now 6 month into their ‘Coming out party’ aka ‘Being Exposed as Cheaters,’ I do not think their particular relationship will last. They don’t have me in their triangle, so no tension/drama to keep the flames burning. The Ex is quite puzzled because I keep wishing her well. Now she is texting me and saying how sad/mad/lost she is and missing our children and family. His lies seem to be wearing thin and I can see him nearly toppling from his white horse. Their honeymoon is over, and reality has set in. Probably no more dreams about buying a house cuz neither csn seem to hold down a job in the same province. So cast my vote for “No” relationships that start out as AFFAIRS Don’t last!

  88. 88
    Anonymous Says:

    I think if you are having and affair, you are being overly selfish. If there are problems in your marriage you should number one follow your faith, number two make your spouse a priority and try to resolve the issues that started your unhappiness. If you have an affair and you don’t trust your spouse it’s likely that you don’t trust youself. This likely led to the affair.
    If your not a faithful person and are lost, this is understandable. This happened this time, the next time the person that you cheated with will cheat on you, and you will again on the next person because there will be more.
    However, If you have faith, integrity and are normally an honest trustworthy person, you need to stop what you are doing. Stop being selfish. The circle of people that are harmed by these situations are much bigger than you imagine. They will heal in much less time if you stand up and take accountability for what you have done and work on your on problems with professional help rather than going down this road of doom.
    People that you have affairs with don’t even have to be themselves. They just have to be the opposite of what they hear about. I have been a counselor for 28 years and have heard of this thousands of times. My own marriage was doomed at one time. You have to be accountable and so does your spouse. If you love each other, you can get professional help and resolve the issues that started your discontent and willingness to betray your loving partner.
    At this point you have a renewed foundation and can have a much happier marriage than before. Affairs are built on shaky ground and deception. This is the kind of of relationship it will always be.

  89. 89
    Anonymous Says:

    I have a very complicated situation. I married an unbelievably, wonderful man when I was 21. He is 13 years my senior and we met after speaking for a little over a year on the phone. We are from very different worlds. He’s a city guy who has lived all over the world. I’m a country girl who had lived in the same town my whole life till I got married. It was a work relationship and we became friends very quickly. We lived a thousand miles apart so neither one of us ever thought we would be more than work friends. I had the opportunity to meet him while on a trip to his state and we fell in love very quickly. He treated me like a queen and made me feel very safe and secure. I come from a family where I never felt safe and secure so now looking back I realize he was that safety place for me. We met, were engaged 3 months later and married 9 months after meeting. I moved away from everything I’d ever known, got pregnant with our wonderful son 3 months after getting married and I soon found myself losing me. I became a stay at home mom and put my dreams on hold. We have moved many times, I’ve always felt like I’m missing something. My husband has always done everything he can to support and love me.

    I go to my hometown every year for an event that I am heavily involved in. I take the time every year to make the trip home and feel like “me” again. I have always been well known in my hometown and feel like it’s the one time a year I get to remember who I used to be. I am a singer and sing for the event, it’s always been the high light of my year. I’ve always been the kind of girl who is very committed, I wouldn’t even as much as look at another guy. I knew that I was very fortunate to have the man I have so I never would dream of putting myself in a situation that could ruin that, until 3 summers ago.

    I was out with friends having a great time and ran into a group of men who were in town for the sporting event. I made eye contact with one of guys and felt something I had never felt. I brushed it off as nothing and went on with my evening. As fate would have it, we ended up running into the guys again and hung out with them for the evening. I noticed the guy again, he was looking at me but still would not let myself go there. We were all sitting around a campfire when the guy I had noticed earlier got out a guitar and started to sing. At that moment, something happened to me that I NEVER expected. I felt an instant connection with him, we ended up singing together for hours and talking all night. All of our friends left and there we were left sitting together not knowing what to expect. As we talked, we learned about each other and found we had so many things in common. He was just a few years older than me, grew up with very similar life experiences, we just hit it off. We found out that we both had families, lived in different states and both admitted the attraction was crazy but realized that nothing could become of it. He had respect for me, didn’t try to touch me at all. We were together till the sun came up and decided to say good bye. I thought I’d be able to forget him.

    I was not able to and when I got home to my husband, I could not help but tell him the truth about my feelings and what happened. He was very supportive and understanding. We started counseling after that and tried to move on from it but as hard as I tried, I could not get him off my mind.
    The next year I came home for the annual event and was very nervous thinking I could possibly see him there again as he competed at the event. Sure enough before I sang, I locked eyes with him and we talked. After he was done competing, he found me and told me how he was hoping I would be there so he could see me. Again, we spent the whole evening together and as much as I wanted to, we never did anything more than hold hands. The attraction was even stronger and I couldn’t stand to see him go. I felt like I was watching my soul mate leave for another year. Again, after I came home, I told my husband everything. I hated to see him hurt but felt like I couldn’t lie to him either. My husband and I tried again to go to counseling and figure out why I felt the desire to be with this other man.
    The 3rd year, everything changed. We saw each other but this time something was different. Something changed in me and I felt like I couldn’t let him go without finding out what it would be like to be with him physically. The feeling was mutual and after one kiss, it was on. We spent the whole night together and it was amazing. The next morning, he promised me that we would work this situation out. We talked every day and couldn’t stand to be apart. His wife knew nothing about me and my husband just thought we saw each other but I convinced him we didn’t even talk. I did however tell my husband that just seeing him made me feel so much passion and I didn’t know what to do with it.

    Now we were in a full fledged affair but neither one of our spouses knew anything. We talked for a year, sometimes trying to let each other go because we knew what we were doing was wrong. We would always end up talking again and as much as we tried, our feelings continued to grow. I was more open about how I felt but he tried to convince himself that he had to stay with his family. The year was very hard for me not knowing what it was going to be like to see each other again. Everything came to a head and we decided that when we saw each other this year, we would say good bye once and for all. I told him that my heart was with him and I couldn’t bare to let it get physical, I knew I wouldn’t be able to let go if that happened. He just told me he needed to see me and we would know what was right to do.

    I didn’t expect to see him till Saturday of the event, as the event is 3 days long and started on Thursday. I was relieved because I knew I had some time to prepare my emotions and would be able to enjoy the event stress free till Saturday night. I received a text message from him 1 hour before I had to sing on Thursday evening telling me he was coming early to see me and would be there that night. He drove 4 hours out of his way so he could have more time with me. I was so nervous, I didn’t think he would be there while I had to sing but as soon as I was done, I turned and there he was smiling at me. There were over 6,000 people there and out of all of their faces, I saw his. My heart skipped a beat and I knew that it was not going to be over.

    He met me over by my vehicle, we had to be very secretive so no one would see us. He saw me and hugged me but nothing more at that moment. We tried to act as normal as we could but we were both dying to be alone together. We split up for a couple hours till the event was done so our friends wouldn’t suspect anything. As soon as we could, we got out of there and went somewhere we could be alone. We both admitted there was no way we could let each other go, the feelings were too real. We spent the evening laying together under the stars singing together as he played his guitar. It was magical. He had to leave me the next morning because he was with a group of friends but I knew for the first time I’d get to see him again on Saturday night.

    We decided to get a hotel room so we could just be together as long as possible before he had to leave. On the way there in the car, he pulled over and looked into my eyes. He told me that he tried to convince himself that his feelings for me were not real but he couldn’t anymore. He then told me he loved me and that he couldn’t be without me. My heart melted, the words that I had wanted to hear were finally being said. I felt that there was no way we could be apart. The night was the most wonderful night of my life and the next day I cried and cried knowing he had to leave me once again. He promised me that this time was different and there would be no way he could deny his feelings. He admitted to me that the whole time we were talking the year before, he tried to deny his feeling with everything he had but what we had was real and he knew he was madly in love with me.

    I went back home to my husband and told him everything that happened even though I was going to try to keep it all in for a while. He was very upset and told me he was done once and for all. How could I blame him, but I felt like I needed to be honest with him. My guy however, was freaked when I told him, he was afraid my husband would call his wife before he had the chance to tell her. He felt very pressured and panicked. I was upset because I couldn’t understand why he was so freaked out, after all, we had talked about all this and realized we needed to be together. He said that he couldn’t wrap his brain around leaving his kids and didn’t know what to do. I was pissed cause I thought we had already decided all this. Here I was putting everything on the line and he’s all of sudden not sure what to do. He said if it was between his wife and me, he would chose me, but that he looked at his wife as a unit with the kids and couldn’t imagine being away from them. I told him he had to decide what he wanted and I said I would give him the time he needed. I also explained to him that he didn’t need to worry about my husband telling his wife, he just wouldn’t do that. He was getting physically ill with all this stress and finally went and talked with a counselor about his situation. The counselor told him that he would have to realize he would never see his kids if he chose me. He also told him that he might realize he can’t live without me if he picks his wife and after he realizes it, it could be too late. The counselor advised him to not talk with me for 3 months so he could think about what he really wanted. I agreed to let him do that all while my husband waits for me to decide whats going to happen. Well, after 10 days, I couldn’t take it and called him. He was glad I did and we started talking once again and were right back where we were before. He still said he needed time, that he loved his wife and wanted his family, but he also loves me and wants me. He admitted he wanted both. He said he was afraid that he would leave his wife and have me and my family move to his state, then what if he changed his mind and screwed my life up even more after we moved. We have so many things in common and know we would be happy together. He’s afraid of making the wrong decision. So, now we talked a couple nights ago and decided we need to try to let each other go. He doesn’t know if he can but needs some time to sort it all out. I told him I would do whatever he needed, I just want to make sure he thinks it through before he makes any decision. If he picks his wife, I want there to be no doubt that he’s making the right decision and the other way too. I don’t want him to pick me and then decide he wants her back. This is such a complicated mess of a situation. I love him so much and can’t stand the thought of us not being together. We are going to talk the end of October to see where we both are at. There is an opportunity for us to see each other the beginning of November so we are going to have the chance to see how we feel after this break in person. At that time we are either going to let it go or move to the next step of being together. I am so scared of what he’s going to do. I hate that we aren’t going to be talking and he’ll be with his wife everyday. I don’t see how I can win in this situation. He promised me he’s going to be honest with himself about us and about his wife. After holding out hope for so many years and risking everything with my marriage, I just don’t know what I would do if he decided to end it with me.
    I would love to have some input from you all. My situation is so complex being that we live in different states and haven’t seen each other more than 5 times in person. I believe in following my gut and my heart and it has always told me that we are meant to be together. My own husband really hopes it will work out for us because he believes I would be happier and more complete because we share so many passions. My husband and I will always remain dear friends and I will always love him. Now that I am older, I am a different person than when we married. I feel like I know what I want now and don’t want to just stay married because it’s comfortable. Life is so short, I want to live it to the fullest and not have regrets. I hope that this all ends the way I hoped it would, I’m just scared to death. I am thankful that he hasn’t been telling me all along that he will leave his wife for sure, I do feel like he’s been honest with me. I don’t know how to cope in the mean time, this waiting game is horrible.

  90. 90
    Anonymous Says:

    Wow so much information… What constitutes an marriage? Would it be considered to be an affair if the primary relationship has lived in separate bedrooms for 19 years? and Sex the same? The primary relationship seen the children raised and almost on thier own. It is one of roommates and forced public engagements. And kudos to those who posted it is the relationship with family that hold those marriages together because there is little other glue that works. The committment to the extended family and kids had to replace the emptiness that superceded the failure of the primary relationship.
    I am in love with this man and him I, i dont want to have another man move in or live with me… just my issues. This works for me… for now.
    I am so with the posts that say you have to walk a mile in thier shoes, and truly believe in the ones that say soulmate. I dont understand why it seems we are given a chance to relearn LOVE in all its splendor without the abuse or shame of failure or hiding bruises. My past relationships left me with a cabinet full of triggers. I never thought i would ever be able to let them all go, but when the right person comes along… triggers become opportunities to heal.

    Do primary’s behaviour change if they leave? Is who im seeing now the real them? Ive witnessed first hand the changes that take place in single men… do married men change too when they leave… or does affairs over 2 years constitute a true committment. Ive been a very promiscus person and havent even considered another mans touch let alone kiss since meeting my love. I seem to have become a better person knowing this man. I love who i am knowing him. I feel i know myself better and am stronger because of the love given to me. It seems to justify the love i feel for myself. I want to share my love with only him… I was married 8 years divorced and have been 20 years single… 5 relationships in that time… single for 5 years when i met him 2 years ago. I know at some point i may want more… but i allowed myself to be so tainted by past relationships… and all i want is to give love and have it returned. I am a busy person and would not be able to see my love any more or talk anymore if we were together. thanks to the post that said… today is just today… tomorrow may belong to someone else. thank you! We have but one life to live and i believe lessons come in all forms, if i tire of being alone in life the choice is truely my own. Right now i choose a married man, who fullfills the needs emotionally and physically that no one has ever touched on before. I know some of you are saying… how delusional can she be, and i agree with you, but when your in the middle of this, and someone reaches out and hugs your heart in a way that no other living soul has and all you want to do is return that amazing sense of security you feel knowing they know you. Wow its just so hard to explain. but I know myself, trust issues dont even enter into it. Each affair has its own set of circumstances only you know what is and isnt tolerable and when you need to change things. What God has shown me is… that i am loveable, I deserve love, and am worthy of love. I have also be given that ability to share with someone else.

  91. 91
    Anonymous Says:

    What constitutes marriage is a vow! You sign a contract before God & everyone. It’s just that simple! Adultery is ALWAYS WRONG. No matter the circumstances! Don’t understand you people. What is wrong with this world we live in! You’re on here wanting pity for committing adultery?

  92. 92
    Anonymous Says:

    My ex had an affair, I found out approximately 4 months later, and up until then it was mostly an emotional affair. I can’t help but shake my head when many of these people who posted comments about how wonderfu/super/fantastic the sex was with their cheating partners. Well, Duh, a little rubber Dingy looks like a luxurious yacht when you’ve been treading water for years. Cheating simplay means that you have bailed out on your partner even when your married partner is still struggling to keep the boat afloat.

  93. 93
    Anonymous Says:

    Well all of these related affairs seem to revolve around married people, but what about the attached man/woman even though not married? I was with a man for 3 years and we were fantastically happy together, shared the same values, laughed, loved, stayed together with crises in our respective families and our sex life was superb. He said he was very happy. We never spoke about commitment it never entered the equation, although he did joke about our being together until we were 90 and looking after each other in old age.

    In the last year (2 years after being together) he started to pick niggling arguments with me, was sometimes disrespectful in public on occasion but i never thought anything of it although i did ask him why he was acting like he was – he never gave me an answer directly and just laughed it off saying i was being silly he loved me etc etc.

    Before Christmas 2009 he suddenly ended contact with me without saying anything and when i eventually got in touch via txt he txt back to say he could never be the man i wanted to change him into! I had never indicated i wanted to change him into anything other than he was and so i was shaken with that statement. He came back to me Christmas Eve and we started being ok again until 3 months ago when he becamse distant, started withdrawing sex and then i knew we were in trouble as we had always had a fantastic compatibility physically. I asked him what was wrong but did not receive any sort of answer to put my mind at rest. I asked him straight out if he was cheating on me and he denied he was.

    Then after going to his place when he was not expecting to see me i found out he was with another woman who he had been seeing for over a year and who neither of us women knew about the other! He does not live with her she has apparently given him no commitment. We were both shocked and i immediately left him after telling him what i thought about him. He tells me she has also left but if he said it was raining i would have to go outside to check! If she stays he will, i feel do this again and cheat on her. He is a compulsive liar which i did discover early on in the relationship and can lie while looking you straight in the eye and without flinching.

    Well i am so terribly hurt by this but i will never see him again and hopefully time will be the healer. There is not a day i dont think of him though right now, but i cannot condone his cheating when there really was no need for it. I am tortured as to what they got up to and would always have the images in my head if i were to stay with him. And please people do not try to find reasons and tell me there must have been something wrong in our relationship, i never saw it coming we were perfect for each other and he only recently told me he could never think of not ever having me in his life. He has also indicated he wants to stay ‘friends’ but my reply to that is unprintable. Your comments are welcome…….

  94. 94
    Anonymous Says:

    I have been with my husband since I was 19, i am now 36. We married when I was about 25. We have a 9 year old boy. About a year and a half ago I found i was strongly attracted to a man that worked at my work, although nothing ever happened and we only ever said hello’s to each other but the connection was strong. After about a year he left to move interstate and I put him out of my mind not completely though. He had been living interstate for about 8 months when I decided to befriend him on Facebook. We became good friends, having regular email contact and live chats. I was very flirtatious with him and always very honest with him and he was the same toward me. He asked me to meet him, he would book a flight to see me. At first i resisted as I knew that a married woman with a child should not be doing this but after a while I couldn’t stop the temptation, I wanted to be with the other man. Just to clarify at this point also, I have not been in love with my husband for a few years and was only in the marriage to keep the family unit complete for my son. However my husband loved me. The other man and I met a few times and made love and spent time together. This affair started in early May 2010 and we both continued to chat, email, text and talk on phone, we fell in love with each other, what can i say? About 3 weeks ago, I told my husband I didn’t love him anymore, told him about the other man and we have seperated. I have hurt so many people around me, especially my son, he is not coping very well at the moment. I moved out of the home and am staying with my sister. My husband due to not working cause of back problems has taken the role of Sole carer as I was working full time already and so we have a parenting plan in place where I see my son a few times a week of an evening and have him one full day on the weekend. The other man and I have a strong love and cannot give each other up. We have decided to be in a relationship together. We want to get married as soon as my divorce is final which is in just over 12 months. My new partner and I are not rushing things though. He has been offered a study and work placement for a year in America, we both currently live in Australia. We have decided to make a commitment to each other, we are about to get engaged and we will have our long distance relationship allowing him to fulfil a dream. Once he comes back to Australia, we will legally be able to be married.

  95. 95
    Anonymous Says:

    I am 39, have been married for 12 years and have two children ages 5 and 7. I am American and my husband is English. We met at university and married hastily so that I would not have to leave the UK. He is kind, thoughtful, hardworking and loves the children. I do not understand why but almost immediately after the marriage, I found that I didn’t really love my husband the way I should and have hidden these feelings ever since.

    Last summer, I returned to the US alone for my 20th high school reunion. I met a man there who was single and recovering from a breakup. The attraction was amazing and we began writing stories of our childhood,poems, sharing pictures on Facebook etc. after my return to England. There was also a lot of flirting and talk of sex. I fell madly in love with him and thrived on the attention he gave me. I so loved the intimacy we had together. However, he became abusive in his language and I broke it off although I had strong feelings for him.

    When this affair halted, I told my husband everything and he admitted that things hadn’t been right. However,I went to America this summer and met the man again and with my friend by my side. We were never alone and there was no physical contact but my feelings of attachment to him were there. Again I told my husband and asked again if we could work on the relationship.

    Here is my problem: The man in America is not a viable partner. (He is 39, a student, has no money and possible mental health issues) I still love him but he is only a symptom. Why can I not love my husband who IS a viable partner, kind person etc.? I beat myself up for not being grateful, but it doesn’t help. The feelings are not there. They just aren’t.

  96. 96
    Anonymous Says:

    I have been having an afair with my friend’s husband for 9 and a half years! He is my husbands best mate. I never asked for it to happen, and I never chose to fall in love with him. He had had a brief affair before which he told his wife about!!So he has lived under the shadow of that the whole time we have been together. As have I. I knew the other person too!We all holiday together and spend other social events together.
    Wedding anniversaries, birthdays etc are always difficult whether you are married or not.
    I appreciate how awful it is for the lies and deceit that having an affair causes and the risks of getting caught never go away. I have had to come to accept we will never be together as we both have children etc and because of his previous affair he would never leave her. But I experience a lot of stress and anxiety about the whole situation. Sometimes i wish I had never met him for I feel life would be very different. For those who have been the victims of affairs it must be very difficult to recover from. This woman has never truly recovered and sometimes I wonder if she really knows he is seeing someone else but prefers not to know because she can’t face the fact her marriage is a lie. She talks to me freely about their marriage…I have rescued them from numerous massive fights and god knows what else. Why? Every time they threaten to split up I put them back together. Why would I do that?
    There is one true element in this. I could never be with him, because I would never trust him. He would do it to me. And as time has moved on and I have become more aware of the fact he is not perfect, and I don’t dote on him 24/7 he knows that things are not as fantastic as they were. He needs someone to tell him constantly how wonderful he is but thinks nothing of being vile to me when we fall out. Only so many times you can get away with that before the receiving person has had enough. Anf funny, because it was always her that got that from him!!
    Sometimes, more of late, I feel like getting out of it, but with our families being as close as they are, the children having grown up together it is difficult. How would you carry on? I am not good at pretending and I dislike her a lot of the time which is not productive!!
    He has come to take me for granted, and only really bothers these days if he thinks I may be interested in someone else!!
    I’m sure that all reads like waffle..but please know I never went looking for this. I have to admit I don’t feel guilt, I feel anxiety and over the years I’m sure it’s affected my health.
    I guess when you are in these situations, the only person who can take control of it is you!

  97. 97
    Anonymous Says:

    I have been married for 6 years. I met my husband’s best friend and wife at about the same time I met my husband. We’ve spent a lot of time with them since then, and now I believe I am in love with my husband’s best friend! I ignored it for a long time, calling it just a fantasy that could never see the light of day. Just recently he revealed he had feelings for me as well, and at first tried to resist it, but we ended up sleeping together. I have never cheated in my life. I don’t know how to process this. We are planning to continue hanging out together with our spouses, and pretend there is nothing between us! I still love my husband, but we obviously have our problems. He would be devastated if he ever knew, being slapped in the face by both his wife and best friend. I know he is not in love with his wife, but has no plans on leaving her until their kids are grown. They get along fine and have a “good working relationship”. We have no kids thankfully. So I have no grandiose ideas about us being an open couple, but we don’t want this to end. As complicated and potentially damaging as it is. We are going to take it one day at a time.

  98. 98
    Anonymous Says:

    Hi
    Why do we put ourselves in these situations!! Believe me, it bacomes very difficult the more emotionally involved you become with someone. Jealousy, and pain becomes the norm. Of late people can tell he and I wind each other up. I’m not as relaxed around him as I used to be, and she and I fall out over stupid things.
    My family would equally be devastated if they knew and I could never do that to my children! Please look after yourself. I live a double life plagued by horrid emotions and much upset!!
    Sometimes i wish i could go far far away….
    x

  99. 99
    Anonymous Says:

    I was married for 38 years….in the 35th year my husband left and had an affair. We divorced almost 4 years later. He could not make a decision on divorce, but did not want to come home. He wanted a legal separation and wanted me to set back and let him find himself and grow up. I couldnt…to me it was a complete violation of everything we stood for and what our relationship and our marriage stood for. Today he is still with this gal, although she lives in one town and he another, he sees her on the weekends. Our children do not accept her or go around her. Is there ever any hope for a reconciliation for someone who has done what my husband has done. We will have been divorced for 2 years and he has never spoken to me of any of it. He simply ran away. Following the divorce, he told me he wanted to get out of the relationship, but that was now 2 years ago….we dont speak anymore…he cant look at me or be around me….and has consistently told me he doesnt know if he loves her…I dont try to contact him….do men like this ever realize what they lost and do they ever try to make amends? Do they ever regret what they have done and try , after severa years of this, to make amends?

  100. 100
    Anonymous Says:

    What kind of women get involved in affairs? Do most of them have self esteem issues…are they narcissistic? What kind of a woman wants to cause pain and break up marriages, families…because that is what they do…

  101. 101
    Anonymous Says:

    I am in a different situation. Well at least that’s what I want to believe.. I live in Germany I am German, my parents are Germans but I was raised most of my life in Chile. I am 26 years old and I’ve never been married neither have kids… So no baggage for me..He is in the military, he is two years older than me and he is Hispanic (this is one of the many things we clicked so much). He is stanionated alone in Germany and yes, unfortunately still married but in the middle of the divorce process.
    We have been together for almost two years and now we are engaged, about to get married and both of our families know about us, accept us and love us. We have a committed serious and loving relationship where is out there for everybody and we haven’t ever hid it from anybody.
    Well, here goes the story. We met through a friend in common, here in Germany. And at first there wasn’t much spark between us because we were not allowed to. I guess because this friend in common had a crush on me. Anyhow we ended up talking all night and there was no kiss or nothing. We just laughed and talked the whole time.. It was such a weird feeling that I cannot describe ( By then I didn’t know he was married). But contrary to many military men that will try to get in your pants, he will be so innocent, and sweet being with him make my heart feel so comfortabl?e, more than anything like a friend of years. Like I felt he was different in some way not like other douches I’ve met in my life. But oh well for that day that was it, just talking and laughing and we said bye and didn’t see him for a while. Still was on my mind. I was single but dating a guy that was pretty much playing me all over. So I was kind of heartbroken. Then me and my friends decided to go out to forget about it.
    I was dancing with my friend and there he was he came up with us and had fun as friends of course. But then he kept saying things like..” you are so special, you know that? The guy you are with doesn’t deserve you.. etc”. Things that he never said before, so I guess he had some feelings towards me. We all went back to my friend’s house and me and him were in the sofa talking all night again. But this time the feelings were so strong and it was so hard to not kiss. But he was a gentleman then. All he did was kiss the back of my hand, I fell asleep while talking to him. And that was it..
    I surely thought about him but didn’t have his phone number neither he had mine. But then this friend in common asked me if he could give his boss (my now fiancé) my number. And I agreed. Then we exchanged text messages covered as “friends” I wasn’t really sure he had feelings for me I had some but thought we will be only friends but didn’t realize how much we had in common and I enjoyed spending time with him more than anything.
    One day he got drunk. And said he needed a friend. It was really late. And I went there where he lived.. Honestly I don’t know what I was thinking but I just felt like he was such a good friend or whatever I thought but I knew for a fact that he was a really good guy and was worth it to go check on him and be there for him. And well I guess I shouldn’t have you know.. when you are drunk, tend to become more loose and it’s hard to control yourself. We talked for a while and then we kissed and I felt stars rolling around my head. But then he said sorry that he was married that his marriage is not real and is actually going to hell. They got married when they were teenagers.. Really crazy if you ask me..His wife would spend all his money and leave him dry in another country by himself. She never worked in her life neither finished her education. And yes she had cheated on him and he haven’t loved her for a while and the only reason they stayed together were for the kids and that he shouldn’t do this and he was trying to knock it off but he couldn’t.
    I was confused of course I was mad. But I was so intoxicated with his kiss that I guess at that moment I forgot that he was married.. We laid down on bed together.. many things were going through my head. The situation was insinuating sex with him. But I couldn’t do it. At least not that night. I slept over. (He was living by himself of course she is in the states) But next morning couldn’t help it. I had the greatest sex ever. Not just physically but I felt how our bodies were communicating our souls.. I don’t know if that makes sense to you.. Anyways, I also stayed there for the whole day and slept over again. I know I am a horrible person. I don’t need pity from nobody and I well know that there’s no excuse for me or him to do what we did. It was wrong very wrong for us to start something while he was still not done with her.
    Anyways along with the story.. we spent many days together it was always him and me and sometimes our friends. We became really close and spent the whole weekends and any minute that we have with each other. At first I didn’t know what I felt. I know I felt hell lot of guilt. But didn’t want to tell him to leave her and break their family. Or else what if he does and I am responsible of it. Many thoughts were surrounding me but the one thought that remain was to let him alone and me be with somebody else so I could get rid of him because I couldn’t do it by my own. I did leave him after I saw pictures of him and his family on the internet and I realized that’s what’s normal and not this that we were doing. So I was gone. But then he came to me crying telling me that he loved me like he never had, and he would never trust in love He fell deep in love with me and then I crushed him hard. Many nights got calls from him or his friends telling me how drunk, lost and devastated he was..
    We got back. I couldn’t see him like that neither could myself be without him. No men treated me like he does.
    His wife found out about us. He told her he didn’t love her anymore and of course she flipped out and put influence in his job. She always blackmailed him with his job. So we went through hard times..
    He actually never did talk much to her, since the beginning, even though we almost basically live together I guess if he didn’t tell me he was married I may haven’t found out. He talks to her in front of me and is basically a call to talk to his daughters.
    He got straight with his job and then told her he is getting a divorce. Hired a lawyer and proposed to me. He was scared of their parent’s reaction and of course his kids reaction but everybody reacted fairy well. His parents support him to dead. Actually they were wondering why he hasn’t done it way before. I talk to them pretty often. And they like me a lot because I have so much going for myself and I “understood” his situation and most of all because I really make him happy. I know, people can judge all they want. He lived for his kids and for her more than a decade. It was his time to live his life for his own happiness..
    I have seen him wearing shitty clothes, not having money to eat because her wife would like to take all his money and go shopping. So I don’t care what she feels, all I know is that she hurt and abused my baby.
    We started going to church and repent and pray for the souls we hurt. Our relationship has started so in the wrong foot but we will change our destiny. Karma? Whatever! That is not going to happen the way they think..(me or he will cheat or go back with her or have trust issues etc) Our only karma is this guilt and the hardship we have been dealing for us to be together but that will pay it off later and I know God is with us.
    We are just looking to be happy, get married, love each other, succeed in life, have many kids and be happy grow old and respect each other. And most important don’t make the same mistakes of the past.
    He hasn’t slept with her since he started being with me of course because she is in another country. And we have been loyal and only loving to each other.
    I do not recommend this to anybody and I don’t try to make excuses for our actions. We did wrong. Very wrong. And please if you are in a relationship where one or both of you are married get the hell out of there as soon as you can! I should of prevent this drama. I mean, I still regret that I haven’t say ’byebye see you when your divorce is finalized’. But well didn’t happen that way. We couldn’t stay away for a minute. And we fought very hard to be where we are. And we experienced hell and heaven at the same, misunderstandings, and drama, but can tell you one thing..we grew in this process of getting us together clean and clear. So we appreciate much more what we have because it cost as this much.

  102. 102
    Anonymous Says:

    A response to the above…
    Sounds like your trying to convince yourself rather than everyone else that his wife is the one 100% in the wrong and your partner is the victim. It’s very rarely just one persons fault. Regardless of your feelings for him you must know that the wife and kids part of his life has been and gone and it wasn’t with you. Sorry to say that but it’s just a fact…You won’t mean what his wife did to him and thats because their love happened way before he even knew you. you’ll have to except that if your relationship has any chance of working. Sounds to me like your insecure about your relationship with him already and your not even married yet. Best of luck.

  103. 103
    Anonymous Says:

    I have a story of caution to everyone having an affair with a married man who dreams of a happy ending. I met my married man right before his wedding (!) and what started out as just sexual (not satisfied at home) turned into full blown love affair. 7 years later he and his wife divorced (for their own issues, not because of the affair) so we could finally be together. We lived in bliss for 8 years, having what I thought was a wonderful happy fully committed life together..until he came home from work one night and told me to leave (it was his house) that he was suddenly “confused” and needed time to think about “what he wanted.” Well I found out what he wanted…his ex-wife again! He started seeing her again he had “unresolved” feelings…after all of these years and us making such a complete life together! He has since broken it off with her (or so he says) and decided he wanted to work things out with me, but 5 months have gone by and he still hasn’t gone to the couseling he needs, and we are still living apart. My life has been turned upside down and I am devastated. Just goes to prove that someone who is capable of lying and cheating on a daily basis to someone’s face is totally capable of doing it again. Love is blind and I never thought he would do it to me. Be careful when you think that being with your married man will have that happy ending you dream about…mine is now a nightmare for me.

  104. 104
    Anonymous Says:

    My husband left me for another woman two years ago. We had been married for 20 years. I tried to address our problems with him, but he was never interested in seriously addressing them. He was always too busy and would just leave in the middle of a difficult conversation, so eventually I just gave up and decided that this is the way it would be for the rest of our lives. Because he had serious health problems (due to his neglect–including a 5 artery bypass and uncontrolled diabetes) and I wouldn’t leave someone who couldn’t take care of themselves. he had been hospitalized four times in one year for reasons due to neglect of his physical body.
    He was decieved in thinking because his life with me was easy (I took care of the bills, his prescriptions, car repairs, house maintenance, our teenage daughter), that it would remain like that once he left our home. He and his affair girl went out to broadway plays, sporting events, out to restaurants etc. while my daughter and I stayed home and put our lives back together. He had no experience with a checkbook or with a budget. She moved in with him a month after our divorce, and then they married three months after our divorce was final. They rented a very expensive apartment and leased a new car and ran up lots of bills. I know that because I still get calls from collection agencies looking for him.
    He is paying child support (deducted directly from his check), and cannot pay his household expenses or the credit card bills–he stripped his retirement accounts and has nothing saved up at the age of 58.
    Two years later, I am further down the road of recovery and actually happy without the pressure of living with him. I am not dating, but I know someday I will. I actually like living without a man right now. My daughter is so angry at the emotional abuse and neglect that we faced, she refuses to talk to him–and no, I didn’t fill her head about her father–she saw the abuse and neglect herself.
    Is is worth it for them??? I can’t say, but all I can say is if you are in an affair and reading this post, think! There is another side of the story about your wonderful affair partner that you won’t know until you are further involved in the relationship. But the problem is, you can’t even ask their spouse about what it is like to live with them. Even if you could ask their spouse, and they gave you an honest evaluation, you are so deceived right now, you wouldn’t believe what they told you about your wonderful treasure of a person.
    They often have good wives and husbands at home that they are unwilling to work with because they are immature. My ex-husband never told me what I was doing that he didn’t like. He didn’t ever communicate dissatisfaction. He just stopped talking at all.
    To the other woman/man: The discovery of the affair was humilating and terrible for myself, my daughter and his family. It created unimaginable pain, even in a relationship where the marraige is bad and “someone marries the wrong person.” A person of honor will do everything they can to work out their current relationship, and if that fails, will separate and divorce when all else fails. A dishonorable person will cheat and lie to the person they committed their lives to because they are too self-centered to consider that their spouse has feelings. And you as the other party in the relationship are just as guilty contributing to the innocent spouses humuilation and pain.
    Please think about your future. Affairs are costly and unfortunately, the full price tag cannot be realized until it is too late once the fun is over and reality sets in.

  105. 105
    Anonymous Says:

    I found out Sept 1 2009 that my wife of nearly 18 years was having an affair. In her words it was not an “affair” it was a “relationship” and she justified this because she said she had never had sexual intercourse with him. Huh? I explained that I would work on our marriage and agreed to go to counseling and she just didn’t want to do it. She was in love by this point and mebbe still is–she is still with the guy a year and half later and continues to insist to the world that she didn’t cheat because she didn’t have sex. I say she either didn’t have sex yet but would have or did because I caught her out on a date in mid Sept. I divorced her 19 days later.

    Moral of the story make sure that all you cheaters out there aren’t screwing around with the wrong person. My ex did and after being offered the option of being dragged through the courts and having me file for divorce on the grounds of adultery and promise to depose her and put all of her friends and acquaintances on the stand she agreed that a divorce settlement I offered was more than enough. She doesn’t think so now because the fog has worn off a little. She didn’t ever come to me and tell me what was missing, that she was unhappy, or anything else. I still maintain that she was in probably not unhappy but not happy. I’d spent time in both of those valleys in the relationship too but always felt like gleeful happiness is not sustainable and that ups and downs were necessary for a longer lasting mature relationship and bond. I guess she felt otherwise.

    She may never regret what she did. I hate how it went down and what happened but its allowed me to look at myself and what I would have done differently and apply those concepts to my relationships moving forward. I can’t imagine how you learn what you have done wrong when you go from one relationship to another.

  106. 106
    Anonymous Says:

    Dang, people. I want me a soulmate too! You know, someone who’ll accept and affirm me just the way I am while I condemn and criticize my spouse for not being who I want him to be. My soulmate will put MY needs ahead of every other person or child in my sphere of influence. I want someone who’ll justify betrayal and selfish behavior so that I can forget my troubles and deny my responsibility for helping to solve them. Best of all my soulmate will help me to place my honorable commitment to love ‘for better or worse’ on the altar of narcissism. Where do I find one of these ‘god-given’ masseuses?!

  107. 107
    Anonymous Says:

    Thank you for sharing your stories and lessons. It’s comforting to know that I’m not the only “fool” going through this. What started out as bliss has become so painful. I will take your advice to heart and work on finding happiness in myself before continuing to try to find it in someone else as messed up as I am.

  108. 108
    Anonymous Says:

    to 105. i too have my heart crushed by an uncaring, unfeeling, self centred woman who i took back because of my kids. she had an affair; insisting it was just talk/chatting, an old friend. til i found out she had a motive, to abandon myself and my children on christmas holidays. to this day she insists that it wsa all my fault, she left me and i didn’t bother telling me. she never loved me and this guy is hr soul mate. everything she threw in just to ease her guilt is my guess. she still tries to bait me to this day. she won’t come visit our children because i am here. i think its because he doesnt approve and is totally in control of their ‘blissful love relationship.’ i just dont know what to make of this woman. she doesnt contribute moneywise,saying that she has done enuf in the past. she has done enuf parenting, etc.. she is now free. this will be the first christmas without her being with our family, but she has chosen this man. he is in his late fifties, she is 39. sometimes i am made to feel guilty but then i shake my head and say wait a minute. i’m still here. i’m still a provider. while they are homeless. he works out of province. she stays at her sisters’ an hour away. yet she cannot or will not visit even tho i’m away at work. what do u guys think of this? am i crazy to even feel a bit of guilt cuz she isn’t gonna be here, opting to be with him? is she just trying to mask her misery and the bad choice she made? why would a happy woman try so hard to convince me that she’s so happy|?

  109. 109
    Anonymous Says:

    This is among the most succinct, impactful, and to the point posts I have seen out of the 100+ in this thread.

    “Dang, people. I want me a soulmate too! You know, someone who’ll accept and affirm me just the way I am while I condemn and criticize my spouse for not being who I want him to be. My soulmate will put MY needs ahead of every other person or child in my sphere of influence. I want someone who’ll justify betrayal and selfish behavior so that I can forget my troubles and deny my responsibility for helping to solve them. Best of all my soulmate will help me to place my honorable commitment to love ‘for better or worse’ on the altar of narcissism. Where do I find one of these ‘god-given’ masseuses?!”

    I want to post this on my facebook page of quotes–so dead on!!

  110. 110
    Anonymous Says:

    #12 … not all people make the decision to stay with their families, an affair is often a symptom that the marriage is already broken down, not the reason it breaks down.

    I met someone who was married, (although i did not know this when i got involved) and he was not a serial cheat, he had been with his wife for 9 yr married for 5.

    Once i found out he was married I called it off, he then left his wife because he knew he no longer wanted to be with her, despite the fact i had told him in no uncertain terms it was over.

    Once i knew he did not intend on going back to his wife, i re-opened communication channels between us and we have since decided to give it a go.
    Believe me though it has not been easy, his ex wife is understandably upset and has spent the last three months calling texting and emailing myself and family members abusive emails. She try’s to get him to come home at every given opportunity using every possible means. Despite all of this I still believe that we have a good chance, despite how we got together i trust him 100%.

    I can understand how hurt she is because my ex cheated on me, and i never ever thought i would find myself in a position where i was the other woman. This has taught me that you should never comment on anyone’s relationship because there is no one size fits all in this type of situation. Despite my situation i would never condone a woman becoming involved with a married man, but it’s never back and white.

  111. 111
    Anonymous Says:

    To # 110–From what I have read there is some pretty strong evidence that although a marriage might not be perfect in the majority of situations the marriage was salvageable but it was the affair that caused the divorce.

    As for whether your guy was or was not a serial cheat I am just asking how do you know he wasn’t? The fact is he deceived you–and has demonstrated the willingness and ability to do so and only when he was caught did he come clean and make hard decisions.

    On the contrary–it does seem to have been black and white with you. It goes like this “So I just found out you are married and not single as you have represented to me. I cannot imagine how you could lie and deceive your wife and have to imagine that your years of history with her–good and bad–should dictate that you would have done the honorable thing and gotten out of the relationship. What bothers me is that we have a limited time together and if you can do this behind your wife’s back after the commitment you have made then what would you do behind my back with a less stringent commitment? Good bye—there are 2.5 billion men in the world and I’ll find one of them that doesn’t have your baggage. Best of luck!”

  112. 112
    Anonymous Says:

    Having read all these posts.. all people in affairs sound the same.. there is a clear pattern.. they are write much much more for a start.. they all start by justifying .. oh I married. young.. it was a mistake..poor old me was only 18,, i married a friend etc etc.. then they meet the soul mate.. and those who ” didn’t know they were married ” yeah right!!! and they all say ” its not black and white .. you shouldn’t judge” etc etc.. when their affair partner eventually leaves them.. or goes back to wife.. or never leaves wife or cheats on them… suddenly it is all clear yes? no more grey areas.. it becomes black and white .. right or wrong .. only when it happens to them.. ultimately selfish people.. who never end up happy…

  113. 113
    Anonymous Says:

    Well, my marriage ended due to my wife having an affair. She left me for this other man.. I think she was in the affair for about 6 months before I found out. I worked construction and I was out of town during the week and was home only on the week ends.
    That is what I had to do to support my wife and two boys. My wife never did work and she never wanted to and I was ok with that. The economy finally caught up with me and I was laid off. I knew I would not be finding work soon and I could not afford the large house we had so I put it up for sale. about a month later she wanted a divorce. Prior to finding out about the affair, she cashed out everything in the house and save what she wanted for an apartment. She told me that she will not live, and the money was gone. This was great.. I have a contract on the house so I have to move out and all the money was gone including everything in savings which I think was about 10k and 4k in stuff sold. She moved out with the boys since I could not take care of them since I had no money. This happen just before last thanks giving of 2009. I was really stunned thru the whole ordeal and just watched her pack the rest of the stuff without any argument. I even watch my boys while she went on dates with her boy friend. She would tell me at that time that he is a good father and loves the boys.. She wants to be happy. I can of find it hard that he can make her happy even though he is a pretty boy since she was such a control freak. She was never happy with anything and I was always on egg shells because she used fight to get control and get what she wanted. Well, she left me homeless more or less. I went to california to see my first ex-wife who we are still good friends to get my head on my shoulders and look for work, plus I did not want to be alone for the holidays and my wife wanted me to stay away.. after new years I found a lawyer when I came back. She would not let me see the boys. During our first 4 way with lawyers.. She wanted me to have supervised visits for 15 minutes only. The lawyers agreed on a hour for the next day. wife calls me to meet her at mcdonalds to drop off the boys which was not the plan. No sooner do I get out of the car with the boys she says I will never see the boys and starts a terrible fight. She actually holds the oldest son by the shoulders and shakes him yelling that your father is an idiot. I told her to let the lawyers work this out and I tried to get to my car.. She runs around me and gets her hands all over me and I brush her hands off my chest and she begins to yell assault and calls 911. The cops come but they dont arrest me. The next day she files a restraining order and I lose my boys.. By the time I get to see the boys again, for an hour.. my smallest is running away calling me stupid. We dont want you. go away stupid, your not our father any more, Jason is our father.. Jason loves mama. Mama loves Jason.. I love Jason.. I hate you. It was really terrible.. And, I used to be super close to my youngest. I love him dearly.. It really broke my heart..
    The lawyers got her to stop the apparent alienation but the passive still lives..
    They will be terrible to my friends and tell everyone that Jason is their real dad and they are to make me miserable so I don’t want to be near them.. but, they learned not to say that to me. Since I don’t want to be arrest any more we meet in the police station for pickup/dropoff of the boys. She brings her boyfriend, the one who she had the affair with to transfer the boys.. I asked her politely to keep his distance but it just caused her to bring him closer. I have to deal with him tail gating me when I leave and if I go outside the police station because my son cant find a hat.. she appears out of next to me as I open the door when I always ask her to keep her distance.. My ex starts yelling instantly and the boy friend rushes in his car to just startle me with the head lights..

    The things is, I did everything for the women and it was never enough… She was a mail order ukrainian bride through loveme.com and I took 3 years to court her in Ukraine.. traveling there 6 to 8 times or so. I truely cared for her, but when she came to the united states.. she was not the same person I met.. She really convinced me that she cared for me but I guess it was not so..

    When she was having the affair though and I did not know it, she would tell me she would find a husband who loved her and who would love the boys.. I did not know what to say.. I did love her greatly and I was always stunned by how mean she was to me. A year later, I think her boy friend did me a favor and she can have her true love.. but I don’t understand why she tried to make him the DAD.. The boys told me they were calling him DAD even when we were married.. I can only see the boys for a about 9 hrs on Saturday until I finish fathering classes due to the assault incident.. Then after that we can have a hearing on over nights.. but, I was labeled the run away DAD.. I do love my boys but I think I will never have a strong relationship with them now.

    How do I feel about all these people who are having affairs.. Think about the how you hurt the people who you care about before a bond is made with someone out of the marriage. You allowed the bond to be made but your infidelity.. I was accused for not loving my spouse yet I put up with hell for my family because I loved them dearly.. Perhaps, if the attention you placed to a stranger was placed in the right place.. a stronger loving bond would exist.

    Jon

  114. 114
    Anonymous Says:

    I’m amazed how people have the hide to judge people who criticize affairs as self righteous. I understand and respect that people in relationships fall out of love drift apart or go bad. That does not entitle a person to cheat. If you are unhappy in a relationship then leave. This business about not wanting to hurt the kids & wife etc is crap. What do u think cheating is going to do to them. When a relationship ends hurt is unvoidable, but there is a right & a wrong way to end a relationship. If you don’t want to be with a person there’s not a lot you can do but you can do about it. Never end a relationship by having an affair, it is the cowards way out. Be honest & end your relationship and never start one relationship whilst ur in another.

    Cheaters you need to get real. Look at the chances of a relationship borne from infidelity surving it’s not very high. You have a 75% chance of the relationship failing. Forget the idea that you are going to start afresh in an exciting new relationship where everything is wonderful & new. If u think that way then you are living in a fantasy world. If either of you have kids there are still going to be responsibilities that will not magically disappear and involve changing nappies, wiping noses, helping with homework & staying up all night to care for sick kids. Not to mention that you have both fractured their family unit, security, happiness & sense harmony. If you expect each others children to magically accept you or like you or accept your partner you are dreaming. The failure rate of relationships started from an affair & that have children from the previous relationship, are staggering. If your the person their parent had an affair & left their other parent to be with, get real did you honestly think there was going to beacon of acceptance. To the parent of the children same applies. My best friend had a relationship with a married woman with 3 preteen children. She left her husband and married my friend. Needless to say the kids made his and their mothers life hell. He tried everything to make the kids happy but it wasn’t enough. He would be on the phone bawling his eyes out a out how he tried everything & couldn’t understand why they were mean & why everyone & the kids couldn’t accept their relationship. He could not grasp the fact that in their eyes he was the man that broke up their parents marriage, destroyed their security & harmony. Not to mention that these children were thrown into this with little warning or adjustment. Needless to say the marriage lasted a mere 2 years after things got that bad she left him for another man. This is another thing most cheaters don’t think of is the damage it does to the children involved.

    To persons contemplating cheating & cheaters, consider the above. It doesn’t seem so attractive or exciting particularly that there us no way of avoiding reality and also consider the words of Dr Phil:

    ” The chance of a sucessful relationship borne from infidelity is not even 1 in 100. A relationship that starts in infidelity has no foundation. You go into it with guilt, shame, angst, worry and all the baggage that comes with that. Add to that managing your ex and going through possible custody battles for the children. Is it really worth it ”

    Gives you something to think about.

  115. 115
    Anonymous Says:

    I am not saying these kind of relationships will not work, been around a long time and not seen very many work. I would always think, as I did when it happened to me, they figured out they didn’t die when they did it, so what is the worst that could happen to them. I do not think you should stay in a marriage you are not happy in, but what are you saying about the person you are married to if you have an affair. I might want this other person, but just in case, I don’t I want to be by myself. I’ll keep this spare here just in case. If you are not happy get out of a marriage, but do not disrespect your partner, by staying in a marriage. If you have enough guts to want someone else, divorce and pursue your next relationship. Don’t be a coward and keep your spouse as a spare. I would love to know how many of the relationships above, that thought they found their soul mate as a result of an affair, are still together.

  116. 116
    Anonymous Says:

    How many found out the grass was not greener on the other side, they still had problems, maybe not the same ones,but still major problems!

  117. 117
    Anonymous Says:

    Sad people do not understand the meaning of love really!!!!!!!!!Spouse cheat because they’re weak mentaly.

  118. 118
    Anonymous Says:

    i really think that affairs that turn into relationships can succeed. All you would need is, denial; deny the fact that two cheaters can’t trust each other. they can cover up this denial by saying how much they are as one and that they can’t do without each other. this way, they can keep an eye on each other because there is zero trust between them.
    they can rationalize. that they were meant to be together. it was destiny. when they both have such low opinions of themselves and such low self esteem that no one else would want them.
    they can condemn their exes. this way, they can have that false sense of superiority and self righteousness.
    my Ex is stuck with her cheating partner. she knows it. she still tries in vain to get a rise out of me and text me to praise him. lol. it took me a while, but i have let go of my Ex wife. she has lost her home and her family. i have my family and my home. i’m not happy because of her misery, but i really hope that one day she will be humble enough to say some kind of apology for her lies. But i am not holding my breath.

  119. 119
    Anonymous Says:

    I have been reading the open dialog and wanted to get information. My Sister is in an affair, she has divorced her husband and is up and moving her life to be with the man she had an affair with. He is leaving his wife and five year old daughter to be with my sister.
    I have struggled with this as a family member and can’t be supportive. I am married with two children and hurt for the wife and child on the other side. I recently told my sister that she is making the biggest mistake of her life to up and leave everything for this relationship that is destine to fail. She has stopped talking to me. While hurt, I know it is the right thing to do. I guess I wait for the train wreck to happen and be there for her when it does.

  120. 120
    Anonymous Says:

    The people engaging in affairs don’t seem to realize the devestation it brings to their spouses and their children. It brings me great comfort, as one who has been betrayed, to hear that the statistics on affair relationships are so low.

  121. 121
    Anonymous Says:

    #100

    I am one of those women that you are referring to. I am not narcissistic or have self esteem issues. I have always been very independant, outgoing and have never felt like I needed to be in a relationship to feel “whole” as a person. I have had long term committed relationships and have never cheated, slept around or even had a one night stand in my entire life. I met a married man who had been married for a long time – he had never cheated on his wife before. We spent a lot of time together (mostly through work) and had an instant bond with each other. After months of trying to bury our feelings we couldn’t anymore. We don’t CHOOSE who we fall in love with (I had no intention of going down the road of an affair when I met this man). I certainly would have never seen myself in the position I am today if you had asked me just over a year ago. We have spent the best part of a year wrestling with all of these feelings, pushing each other away to do what is right, to stop the feelings of guilt, hurt etc. We spent a lot of time talking about his kids and wife and how all of this would affect them. I understand the devestation it has caused to all parties – the main reason that we continued to try to push each other away. I am a human being, I have flaws, I never set out to hurt anyone and I would never wish this situation on anyone. It has been a year and he is still at home – he has told his wife he doesn’t love her but wants to try to work it out for the kids. I am trying to put my feelings aside and let him try to work things out. If he does leave, we have talked about the practical and I truly believe it would work between us. Not every affair is about sex and the thrill of the chase or wanting what you can’t have. In some cases true love is there and it’s deep and it is very hard to bury no matter how hard you try to push it away.

  122. 122
    Anonymous Says:

    “We don’t CHOOSE who we fall in love with.”
    Such an immature cop-out to push aside guilty feelings. 16 year olds say things like this. No we don’t choose who we fall in love with, but we, if we are mature, honest adults with integrity and control, certainly can choose how we act on this love. And cheaters choose to act in ways that are cruel and hurtful to other people.

  123. 123
    Anonymous Says:

    “In some cases true love is there and it’s deep and it is very hard to bury no matter how hard you try to push it away.”
    No one’s asking you to “push it [love] away.” Just that you perhaps handle all previous relationship commitments (if that means standing up to end them honorably) beforehand.

  124. 124
    Anonymous Says:

    “We don’t CHOOSE who we fall in love with.” How many others are sick of hearing this? Such an immature cop-out to cover up guilty feelings. 16 year olds say things like this. We may not choose who we fall in love with but we certainly do choose how to act on this love. Cheaters act on it by hurting other people with selfish lies and betrayal. And the person left behind gets no choice either.

    “In some cases true love is there and it’s deep and it is very hard to bury no matter how hard you try to push it away.” No one is asking you to push your “love” away. Only that you wrap-up any previous relationships honorably before you pursue your “bliss”.

  125. 125
    Anonymous Says:

    Good lord–“We don’t choose who we fall in love with” may certainly be a truth but when you discovered that you were involved with a married man you DID have the choice to walk away… didn’t you? You are a cheater and your guy is a cheater and if he can “fall in love with you outside his primary relationship he can “fall in love” with someone else outside his primary relationship and someday that might be you. Good luck. There are a lot of people out there to fall in love with that don’t have that baggage.

  126. 126
    Anonymous Says:

    I see a sad pattern of what our society has become. No real commitment, understanding, self sacrifice, or any of the things we might have been founded on. Your VOWS are your promises. In those vows are the main foundations to help work through almost anything in a marriage, IF you pay attention and actually MEAN and UNDERSTAND them. To the adulterers, your stupid. If whatever got you together in the first place was there, but isn’t now; it’s because you allowed a block and never tried your best.Even if you entered knowing something was wrong from the start. You became selfish, fearful, and who knows what else. You cannot have or fix a marriage from the outside with others, or drudging up the past, except maybe through professional counseling. Talking to your spouse or trying to continually is the only way and hope they do the same. There is a way in the majority of cases if you can find it. For people that get involved with married persons, you deserve to fail at every thing you do. Again your affecting children in many cases, since you don’t know them, that may not matter; but it should at the least. Greener pastures? what’s in it for me? A fun time? At what and WHO’S expense or cost? Any who enter these grounds, should think twice on whether or not it can happen to them. Those who continue, I hope that it does!

  127. 127
    Anonymous Says:

    Nobody wakes up one and decides to cheat. I was married 28 years and met a man while on a girl’s vacation. He was married at the time and we felt a deep connection I hadn’t felt in a long time. Yes, call it immature. Call it anything you like. I chose to pursue him because I wanted to feel something- anything. I’m not proud of what I did. We both divorced in hopes of making this new relationship work. The truth is that it’s been hard for the last nineteen months. The pain and guilt have been excruciating. At first we talked about the future and our plans, then as the new wore off he decided he needed to be single. Tonight I finally broke it off for good. He can’t commit to me. Girls – don’t be fools. Don’t get involved with a married man no matter what he says or what you feel. They can never fully leave their past. I even begged him to go home and make it work, but he insisted he loved me. I will always love him, and I doubt I will ever get over him. I’ve learned a hard lesson at 51 years old, and I’m very ashamed of myself for what I’ve done, but I don’t regret the love that I had for a brief time. Was it worth all the pain? Not in a million years. I lost everything. Affairs don’t work. I am a cheater now and forever will be branded as such. I’ve ruined my life and many others. Girls – don’t do it. If you are married and your husband is a good man – get counseling – talk it out – make it work. If he is abusive then get divorced but please – dont have an affair. it’s really not worth it. Yes, you do have a choice. Resist the temptation. I attribute mine to a midlife crisis, but that’s really just an awful excuse.

  128. 128
    Anonymous Says:

    I would say that whoever believes love is a ‘choice’ clearly hasn’t experienced love to its fullest potential. Life would be a lot easier if it was a choice – but it really isn’t.

  129. 129
    Anonymous Says:

    Love may not be a choice but what you do with it is. Its also a choice to maintain a relationship and/or closeness with someone when you are getting into dangerous territory.

    I used to have two co workers both of whom were VERY good looking. The guy was married and the girl wasn’t. The guy said “I have a weakness for that woman. She makes me weak in the knees when I look at her and I melt when I hear her voice. I decided a long time ago that I would not allow myself to be in the same room with her if I can help it and if I can’t I make every effort to get out of the room as early as I can.” He wasn’t in love with her but he understood the temptation and chose to take himself out of danger’s way and to avoid it when he could.

    People have the choice and when you are committed to another you have an obligation to–at the very least–the person to whom you have committed. Sadly, there are usually others (children, spouses etc…) that have to become the roadkill of some selfish person’s fantasy…before the destruction and its permanence is known fully.

    Thats all I have on it.

  130. 130
    Anonymous Says:

    THis post is over 2 years old. It would be interesting to see how all of those who early on stated they have “found the love of their life” in a married person are doing right now.

    Just saying. (129)

  131. 131
    Anonymous Says:

    Nothing good ever results from a relationship that has it’s foundation based upon an affair. Affairs are wrong and invoke unimaginable slow-to-heal emotional wounds. There is a laundry list of factors that may cause an affair but not one reason for justification.
    Those of you that have reach a point in your marriage in which you believe it to be over. I encourage you try to exhaust all measures…communicate, counsel, seperate, before embracing an affair. If you’re thinking about it don’t do it. You will always wish you haven’t if you do. If you’ve crossed the line come back before you get in too deep. The point that I’m trying to make is before you can proceed on with another you have to properly clear things up with your existing relationship before you can enter another. If kids are involved extensive work must be done to properly exit. You owe that to your family. We don’t go around looking for affairs, however we must remember we have a choice. To do what is right. Sometimes what is right is to end it, but properly. It is bad enough people will be hurt over your departure but it’s worse at the result of an affair. Remember this:

    1. Your new found love and soulmate may seem ethereal to you because of your extreme voids experienced in you marriage.
    2. You will experience trust issues with your new found love because of the origin of how the two of you came together.
    3. If children are involved you will experience immense emotional pain because you will witness their pain.
    4. You will regret having an affair.

    To conclude and summarize: We all experience problems in our marriages. It is not an institution to be taken for granted. For those that are believers IT IS SACRED. My advice is to exhaust every possible measure to try to work it out and then and only then make the decision mutually to properly exit. If you’re having problems in your marriage and affair will only compound it. I know all of this because I experienced it. I would dedicate my life to sharing my personal experience and helping other make the appropriate choice.

    Sincerely
    russellanthony39@gmail.com

  132. 132
    Anonymous Says:

    Why is it that when you want to marry someone, you ask their permission and it is both of you making the decision together, but when it comes to divorce, it is usually one person who has made up their mind without even talking with their husband/wife.

    I am a woman with integrity and respect, and have always vowed never to cheat on my partner or get involved with a married man. I have always believed that the vows you promise the person you love, are vows that remain forever. I met a man just over 2 half years ago, and he pursed me every day until we started dating. He told me that he had been divorced for 4 months and that he had 4 children. His ex wife walked out on him just after their 10th wedding anniversary, because she had met another man. He continually spoke of his past marriage and his ex wife and how miserable he had been. I accepted him for who he was and where he had come from. Within a very short time he had become the love of my life. He encouraged me to love him deeply and our relationship became very serious. He spoke with me about marrying me, and about trying for a family in the following year. He knew that he was the love of my life and more than anything I wanted to be with him. 2 and a bit months after we had begun dating, I fell pregnant with our twins. He was so excited about me being pregnant. I felt excited, but also scared because of how quick everything had happened. I was 28, never married and had no kids. My world had changed very suddenly. I had moved into his home with him and felt content and in love. I knew that when I moved into his home, that he had kept the marital home and the house had been put on the market so that we could purchase our own home together. It was very surreal walking into the home knowing that it was the marital home that he had built with his ex wife. For the next few months, I could not understand why the ex wife had taken out a personal vendetta against me, and refused to let go of her ex husband. She wanted to come and clean the house, do his grocery shopping etc. When we went out on dates, she would ring and text continuously and I would be sitting on the otherside of the table whilst he would be having a conversation with his ex wife on the phone (nothing to do with the kids). She had moved on with another man, why couldn’t she allow him to do the same with me. He made it clear that his ex wife wasn’t to know that I was pregnant. He wanted her to just find out on her own because he said it was none of her business. I was still very much in love with him and trusted his judgement, for I thought he knew best about his ex wife. Going through the house packing things up, it was then revealed that I had been sleeping with him in his & his ex wife’s marital bed (that had also been a wedding present). I felt so sick to hear that. It was then I felt sick and surreal all at once to know that he had not even replaced the bed from his previous marriage! A place that is so intimate for a husband and wife. Then whilst I was packing I came across so many of his ex wife’s personal belongings, ranging from sexually intimate belongings including toys, lingerie etc. I came across makeup, credit cards, cheques, his wedding and engagement rings, very personal intimate photos that she had done for him, her love letters and cards to him, momentos from their 10th anniversary cruise and so many wedding photos. Just to name a few things in the bedroom that he and I had been sharing! I have never been one to go through another’s personal possessions, even when I am sharing a home with them, and he had never given me any reason to not trust him up until now. The only reason I discovered them was because he had asked me to pack up most of the main bedroom and only leave out the essentials. When he got home I confronted him about what I had found and he avoided nearly all my questions and deflected the attention from him by accusing me of being insecure etc. I talked to his Mum & Dad seperately and they both said it had been a tough divorce for him. My intuition had been screaming at me that something wasn’t right, especially with how the ex wife wanted to continually hang on and tried to make our lives hell. Then a couple of months later we went on a mini break together and his ex wife rang him up swearing and screaming abuse at him. She had discovered that I was pregnant with twins and kept the abuse going for around an hour about how could he betray her etc. When he came inside it was then revealed that she was not in fact his ex wife, she was legally his wife. He was still married! They had seperated 4 months before he met me, NOT divorced like him and his family had said. Then everything began to fall into place. Months later, after I broke things off with him, it was revealed to me that when he had met me, he was trying to work things out with his wife to reach reconciliation. However, she wasn’t as interested in him as he was her. He was so desperately in love with her, that he wrote her an intimate love letter saying how it was love at first sight for him, and that he always loved her and would NEVER stop loving her. The letter was dated 2 days before we met. I also discovered that I was used as a pawn for revenge to make his wife jealous to want him more. Our children were on his part created just to spite his wife for leaving him and not coming back to him. I was absolutely devastated and shattered. It has been nearly 3 years and I am still broken hearted by what happened. The 4 children were left devastated in it all, and he was left broken hearted that his now ex wife (they divorced as soon as she found out I was pregnant) wouldn’t go back to him (even though numerous times she declared how much she loved him, but wanted to hurt him as much as she could by getting with another man) and his now ex wife was left devastated because he had gone and had a family with someone else. I cannot help but wonder whether their marriage could have been saved, if I had not fallen in love with him the way I did. Now I am raising our twin children alone. They are my absolute world and I don’t regret for one minute having them at all. Their father is now alone, living back home with his parents and running his successful company. His now ex wife is living with their 4 children with a man she really doesn’t love, but continues to be with to spite her ex husband. This has had such a rippled effect, the likes of throwing a stone into a pond. It hasn’t just only affected the pond and the stone, those ripples have gone out to all 6 children and myself included. I am still recieving backlash today from his ex wife. I will always have to live with the guilt of my children growing up with an absent father because of what happened, and try and let go of the hurt & betrayal that is inside of me.In essence, people are quick to judge “The other woman & the other man” but before you judge and call them homewreckers, remember that like myself, I got caught in a tangled web of lies, betrayal and revenge. Had I have known initially that he was still legally married, there is NO way I would have gotten involved. But I have to take responsibility for my action in this and raise our beautiful twin children on my own. I am now so much more wary and cautious because I am very well aware of the unseen scars that this leaves. Not only for the spouse, but also for the children. It is the unseen scars that take the longest to heal. I am ashamed of myself now to be “the other woman”. It is something that I will have to live with. Not a day goes past where I haven’t felt guilt. Especially when I look into the eyes of my beautiful children, and know that due to their Father’s deception, they will never have a traditional family growing up with their Mum & Dad making so many memories as a whole family. I can only hope that one day, my children will forgive me, for falling for their Father’s lies and leaving him when I discovered the truth.

  133. 133
    Anonymous Says:

    @131. My heart goes out to you.

  134. 134
    Anonymous Says:

    I am somewhat amused about all the folks who have posted about how wonderful their affair has been for them and their affair partner. Makes me wonder how they ended up on a site like this and on this post.

  135. 135
    Anonymous Says:

    Ha–133 that is funny and more than a little inciteful. My lovely ex wife had an affair on me and we divorced 20 days after I found out. She is getting married in 3 weeks and we have been divorced 1 year and 4 mos. People tell me she looks “hard, strained, bitter, etc….” these days. I thought so too but didn’t feel like I was objective so I kept my mouth shut. Yeah…I’m pretty much thinking that with all the bitter and mean e-mails I get each week that border on an attack that she isn’t all that thrilled with her situation. The other thing is if things were that good why in the world would she be rushing to change things by getting married?

    Something tells me the failure rate of marriages borne out of an affair is a lot higher than 25%.

  136. 136
    Anonymous Says:

    People that cheat are self centred, selfish, unempathetic, decietful and unhappy. My husband cheated on me after our baby was born with (yawn yawn) with someone half his age. He was angry at me and blamed me for his unhappyness even though I bent over backwards to provide him a happy life. I told him that I was not responsible for his happiness and that was something that he needed to own. I saw that his cheating and inability to take responsibility for what he choose to do was a big red flag to get out of the marriage as I felt I deserved better. After we split, he became abusive, cruel with his words and even injected his unhinged girlfriend/root into our financial and custody business and it was AVO city check in. It was clear to me this girl was after anything she could get out of him and enjoyed the drama life cycle of it all as she had come from a broken home with her father abusing her mother and having several affairs that went on for years. Daddy issues I am presuming.

    My point is, no one deserves to be cheated on. It inflicts a world of hurt to the innocent spouse and effects children. It also changes you, no longer will I ever trust so blindly again and am very cautious with men I meet. A little part of your innocence and dreams and hopes and what you thought marriage should be gets crushed. It leaves you wondering weather your marriage was just a dream and keeps you questioning how someone who claims to have loved you so much can be so hurtful and careless about your feelings as well as there own flesh and blood. Whatever the reason people choose to cheat is, I think people would respect you so much more if you were honest about your own happyness and feelings that are not getting meet and not try and take down everyone that cares about you.

    Needless to say its made me a lot stronger and wiser. I’ve also learnt that I deserve so much better. I know in time I will find someone that shares the same values and morals as me as well as mature enough to relise that if there are problems in the relationship that he should talk to me first and give me a choice to fight for what we have instead of tossing it in the bin like it was last years fashion. I guess there are just some vile people in the world and we have to live with it.

  137. 137
    Anonymous Says:

    The reason cheaters cheat is that if they knew they would be better off with the new partner, they would leave the wife and possible children first, then pursue the new women. Men are simple. Affairs don’t work out cause unlike the wife when all is exposed, the affair partner knows they are cheating lieing dogs. Not a great foundation to build a happy relationship with. Also, cheaters cheat cause they will always find some immoral homewrecker with no self esteem/respect to let them treat them like back up sex objects. I am finding more and more these days that the only reason the affair partner is still around when all is exposed is because the cheater doesn’t want to be alone and without sex. Desperation. I am seeing more and more wifes give there cheating husbands the boot as the cheater usually is the one who needed to lift there socks up in the relationship in the first place. I am also more and more seeing that cheaters are usually uneducated immature childish selfish little brats that were lucky they had such a wife and life in the first place.

    The other women always feels like she is the victim. They always have the same personality type too. Low self esteem, drama queens, male manipulators, no respect for anyone nor themselves and get so annoyed when people call them homewrecker? Ummm that’s what you are! Rubix cube it all you like you HELPED a man cheat on his wife and you CONTRIBUTED to breaking a family unit and you HELPED him get past a divorce and you REWARDED his bad behaviour by being there for him when shit hits the fan. “When I grow up I want to be with SOMEONE ELSES husband and help raise SOMEONE ELSES kids!” WHY on earth would any one want that for themselves. Get a life instead of going around stealing other peoples. Thieves. Affairs are not the Symptom of a marriage in crisis, its the cause of a marriage in crisis. Marriage is a union between ONE man and ONE women not a man a women and a MISTRESS on the side.

    And it still makes me laugh till this day to think that all the other women thinks that the wife is the fool.

  138. 138
    Anonymous Says:

    106 That’s gold! You are dead right!

  139. 139
    Anonymous Says:

    Number 100, I am hearing ya! the other women/teenager that participated in wrecking my family and marriage went as far as to slap an AVO on me after I had a stern unthreatening word to her!!!

    GO FIGURE!

  140. 140
    Anonymous Says:

    My husband had an affair with someone half his age. Because she was barley 20 and once the affair was exposed EVERYONE of his family members and mine was shocked as we didn’t have a bad marriage. I guess affairs happen in good marriages too. He handled the whole affair in the most inappropriate disrespectful manner as well as his side kick making it all personal and thinking she was the star of a drama episode, that kinda made it easy to move on without him, yuk! was that who I married…. It caused so much pain and anguish and devistation in my life. The scars will take years to heal. They don’t care.

    You don’t need to be a clairvoyant to know they won’t last as the way they handled the betrayl says a lot about what sort of people they are. That is going to end in flames, then what for my ex? Stupid really isn’t it. Broke and Alone for his destiny. With his credentials he will never find a decent women. I know when I meet a man or know of someone who has cheated and is divorced because of it ect, I run the other way. Big RED flag. A big sign on there heads saying “When or if we come to a rut or the daily stresses in life are getting me down, I seek out a sexual object that will make it all better and have no problem betraying you about it”

    hmmmm

  141. 141
    Anonymous Says:

    Number 16, the same thing happened to me. I was blindsighted to and he was not prepared for the lack of attention from me while I was raising our infant. Men need to understand that children will change the dynamic of a relationship. Mum will always put there children first ESPECIALLY a newborn. Its human nature. If only men could do the same. I know that if my husband put his son first that would turn me on and make me love him even more and we could have continued to have a good little family based on real bonds and love and commitment.

    The affair ended our marriage. I to could not stay with a man that we needed so much while he was having in his words “The best sex of his life”. Divorced now but stronger and wiser.

  142. 142
    Anonymous Says:

    My husband cheated after we had our first baby and a lot people were shocked as they thought we were happy together (so did I) everyone was blindsighted. People tell me all the time that there must have been something wrong in the marriage for him to do this? especially women? Um he wanted to have sex with the office whore who was cheap and easy. How is this my fault? Women need to show a bit more compassion and respect for themselves. Divorced now.

  143. 143
    Anonymous Says:

    It is true.. the grass is greener on the other side.

  144. 144
    Anonymous Says:

    wow…wished i had read these articles 6 years ago…rode bicycles with group of mostly women for a year…one young,married (2 kids) and beautiful woman and i just seemed to click…my marriage had been over for years….many reasons…had 3 affairs with single women…none worked out(gee i wonder why)…. started with this younger woman (39 to my 51)…her husband found out 6 mos later…hacked her email….i couldn’t live with the sneaking around, the lies and deceptions…took three years but finally got divorced.. she had pursued me even harder after we got caught ..2 months later i gave in …we were more careful after that… continued on for 4+ yrs…. saw her almost every day…we even went on vacations for a week at a time…spent many nights together…we got caught again…she was supposed get divorced… even went to a lawyer…lawyer knew she wasn’t serious… dropped her as a client ..this time her husband did nothing … i couldn’t live with the lies and deception any more…gave her a choice – divorce or split…. she went back to husband…lol…well i was a lying cheating scum bag…but it never dawned on me that she was too!!!… i see her occaionally and i know she she wants me back… feel very sorry for her husband … i really screwed up… and oh yeah I MISS HER!!! LOVE HER!!! we broke up in january and i miss her 24/7 havent slept in months…yeah i’m going for help…and i know i just pick women who aren’t really there for me…which is why they choose me… and yeah i’m glad she didn’t get divorced ..it would have never worked…BUT IT HURTS SO BAD!!!!
    becuse i never would have admitted what a lying , cheating, scum bag i was…

  145. 145
    Anonymous Says:

    My wife of 10 years died in October last year leaving me with a 5 and a 3 year old. I nursed her singlehandedly at home through terminal cancer and she died in my arms. I am 35 years old.

    3 years previously I comforted a mutual collegue at work when her partner left her for another woman. She flirted thereafter and we became too close in my eyes. I recognised the early signs of an emotional affair, said nothing of my feelings to her and left my job to get away from her. I would never have done anything to hurt my wife. This woman came to my wife’s funeral and we got back in touch a month later. She told me she had recently got back with her new partner of the last 3 years after he had had a third affair in as many years but was deeply unhappy with the relationship and was looking for a reason to end it. I confessed I had had feelings for her in the past and she said she had too. She left her partner for me and we spent Christmas together. Her partner then told her he loved her, wanted to marry her, have another child with her and that he would finally go to counselling. She went back to him and I have not heard from her again.

    We have both been thoughtless, selfish and foolish. It takes two to have an affair, as that is all I probably was to her- a revenge affair to teach her cheating partner a lesson. I should have suggested she go to relationship counselling with her partner and instead I told her to make a fresh start with me. And it was all far, far too soon after the death of my wife who I have mourned afresh after this sorry episode. But when someone offers to jump into the wife-shaped hole in your life and take away the pain that is hard to resist. I guess I got what I deserved. Thank you if you have read this.

  146. 146
    Anonymous Says:

    Ok America what is wrong with all this! It’s a viscious cycle here everyone hurt kids wifes everybody, you know the poor things are the children seeing this garbage.Most will probably grow up thinking this is normal. Do any of you pigs (cheaters)have respect,dignity or values!Cheaters should be fined and deserve the worst of the worst.At the end of day and in the end you all will regret it and believe me you will.And for those women who think the ex is crazy “WAKE UP”, the exs always tell the truth remember they lived with them and know em on a personal level before you and all they did and said with you they already been there done that. You are taking someone elses sloppy seconds.Most men lie and dont have balls to tell the whole truth thats why they are divorced.And dont you think he obviously said the same thing to his wife to get her ,as he did to you.You women sure are gulible!! If the man was so called nice he would still be married duh!

  147. 147
    Anonymous Says:

    This sort of revolting behavior makes me literally sick to my stomach, it just show’s how selfish and arrogant people are. Basically saying yes you were good at the time but I no longer have anymore use for you cause I found something better” You know when a man unzips his pants it’s automatic his brain quits working.Just keep in mind ladies. And if I could sell class I would be a rich women because sounds like people here need alot of it.

  148. 148
    Anonymous Says:

    Quick story I also started an affair at work and it was fun but I started thinking he was married with kids and a family and it lasted for a few months but I ended it because I felt horrible and I put my self in his wife’s shoes and I didnt want to ever be the cause of someone elses pain and divorce. So I was very stupid in doing this plus nothing good was ever gonna come out of this anyway it never does. So for all you cheaters out there dont be selfish and really think twice about future reprecussions instead of a moment stupidity.I will never ever do such a humiliating thing to my self or anyone else. I hear on here but I love him Blah blah well guess what you had the same feelings before with your spouse so look for that again not someone elses family to brake up!

  149. 149
    Anonymous Says:

    My marriage ended recently cause my husband was having an affair with a girl at his work. I was crushed and devistated and dealing with a newborn and being a single mom. He turned his family against me and they never even called to see if there grandson was OK, I wasn’t respected as a mother and was made to feel like the last decade meant nothing. I have looked back on this and have figured that the lack of loyality towards me was a little abnormal and i was shocked as this girl was he was havinf an affair with which was half his age and barley 20 was the centre of what they needed to “get use too” now. They were so mismatched and it was just so clear she was young and stupid and he was looking for an easy lay, but they actually think that this relationship will florish and grow and now I have to put up with my son being in both there lives?

    All I can say is TRASH TRASH TRASH! so disrespectful and so tacky and so unclassy. I am so happy I don’t have to deal with that family again and I know my son wont want a bar of his emotionally unstable father either. Seriously, I was more shocked that he blamed me for the affair more than anything.

    Sometimes affairs are a blessing in descise for the betrayed spouse. I think people should think twice about marriage before they do it. Affairs hurt everyone are expensive and are a burdon to society in every way shape and form.

    Poor kids.

  150. 150
    Anonymous Says:

    I hear you lound and claer #148. I was married for 8 years and have a son 8 yrs old my husband had an affair with a girl at his work who was engaged to be married. She broke up with her fiancee which btw we went to her engagement party. She was having an affair with this trailer park trash girl.Why in the world would you brake your engagement off to screw around with a married man with kids from a previous and now from his wife (me). She has obviously no class or anything of brains. She will soon find out what a liar and decietful little boy he is. His family are such rednecks they didnt even bother calling us one time ok one time to say they were sorry for their shameless pig of their son ‘s behavior. can we get you something nothing complete garbage of people. In reality Iam glad they are out of the picture they were born trashy and will die trashy. Instead they decided to turn their heads away and accept his new girlfriend right of the bat like nothing. I hope I never see those WT again because I have alot to say. Whom do these people think they are seriously.They laugh at other people well they should take a good look in the mirrior they are a bunch of drunks who marry their uncle daddy this is true btw.Smoke pot and has no class what so ever. Oh lord!

  151. 151
    Anonymous Says:

    you know its funny how life is.. ive been divorced now 6 yrs.. and carried alot of anger over my ex’s infidelity..which led to the divorce and not to mention watching my mom have many affairs.. while i kept the secrets.. so now i have met and fallen in love with one of my daughters friends mother.. (mouthful lol).. shes not married.. but in a long term relationship.. ive tried to break it off twice already.. bcuz of the pain i wud be causing this guy.. but .. our feelings have grown beyond a physical attraction.. into a relationship.. and a deep love for one another… odd indeed.. and knowing full well the pit falls.. but i cant just leave her.. and her problem is she wants to be with me.. but is totally Dependant upon him.. and no family in the area… so now she is soooo stressed bcuz she does not want to be with him.. nor have him touch her.. in any way.. im very supportive and understanding.. showing her that i have faith in this incredible love we have found..

    the funny part is: i consider myself a man of principle (kind of)..but i have passed judgement upon those ive known who cheated or cheating and yet here i am faced with the same situation.. same feelings.. but i will not just let this go.. i will see this thru to the end .. be it what may.. i will leave nothing to chance.. foolish i suppose.. even really stupid.. but if theres a chance that this beautiful woman is the woman ive been searching for. (sub-consciously maybe)that i feel all these tremendous feelings for.. i will risk it all.. for i will not look back in regret for not taking the opportunity.. for a love sooo grand

    (for the record.. if she was married it wudve NEVER started.. this i do know IS A FACT.!! )

  152. 152
    Anonymous Says:

    I dont know buddy why dont you just find someone who isnt in a relationship.I doubt you would have liked that happening with you if you were that guy.She wouldnt of had any feelings if for you if you didnt get close so back off what do want a disaster between your daughter and friend? Dude move on seriously sounds childish.Have self control

  153. 153
    Anonymous Says:

    I’ve been married 18 years, some ups, some downs. I really thought I had done my homework & made a good decision, we were both almost 30 when we got married, she seemed like the perfect life partner. My wife decided a few years into the marriage that she was no longer very interested in sex (quite different from the time we were dating). I dealt with the apathy and occasional sex life a few years before giving into temptation.

    Then I discovered the internet.

    Unlike most here, my transgressions are pretty much planned. I was shocked when I first started visiting cheating sites to find out how many women were really out there & in the same boat as me; that is to say in sexless marriages that they had no intention on leaving & just wanted a play mate. So far, I have been lucky…no drama, no pregnancies, no STDs…I like to think I’ve been pretty careful so far. I make it a point with whoever I see on the side to let them know that this is strictly FWB, mostly for sex only…I have no intention of dealing with a messy divorce. And, crazy as it sounds…I still love my wife. And hope to some day give up my secret life.I just don’t want to live a life without sex, and am too proud to deal with prostitutes.I have a feeling my spouse knows, but has never said anything out loud. I do travel a lot, so it makes things easier. I guess she’s just as happy that I’m not trying to initiate sex with her?

    Maybe this isn’t the same as an affair. This is more like an arrangement that both parties know will eventually end.

  154. 154
    Anonymous Says:

    @152 Too proud to deal with prostitutes? What does that mean? Maybe you and your wife need to seek a little help on all of this. Can’t hurt.

  155. 155
    Anonymous Says:

    @152…

    It’s all about the sex at home..read the post. You cannot force this on someone who has lost the interest, how does one “seek a little help with this” at home with a frigid woman? Funny thing is, it was an “all-you-can-eat” buffet before she got the wedding ring…

    “Too proud for prostitutes”…means the stigma of getting caught, arrested, and having my name in the paper is 10X worse than getting caught having an affair with a discreet, consenting partner. At least in my way of seeing things. :)

  156. 156
    Anonymous Says:

    I have been with my wife 6 years, 3 of the years I was busy building a trustworthy realtionship before we tied the knott. We bought our first home, she was about to graduate and had a great job lined up. I was going to school as well to make a caareer change so I could add to a better life financially. We were both two busy individuals and I was happily married, and I thought my wife was. I get up one day, kiss my wife of to work, and tell her I love her like every morning. Two hours later I get a text message stating she was unhappily married and wants a divorce. Blown down with a load of bricks I was shocked. We certainly had our communication difficulties, but a divorce… I later found out that she was having an affair, I even asked her face to face and she told me no. She said I was a great person, and loved me as a person, but not our marriage. Our marrige had hit the reality of life, or you could call it slump. The chemistry was not there, or the sex life. She got bored, and found something new and exciting before seeking out help. It happens to every marraige, but it’s not an excuse for neglegting a marrige. Even more importantly, when your young in a marriage, it takes time to understand relationships. Nevertheless, I have been getting help to be a better husband, but she firm about a divorce. Six weeks into this, I keep thinking the infactuation can’t last forever with this guy, but it may awhile. My thought, any man willing to move in on a married woman, cannot be a guy with any type of integrity, honesty or ethics. Generally a man will only be there for sex, and then bounce after he has destroyed a marriage, family and freinds. So from any females point a view, if your husband busted his butt for you, he never raised his voice, or verbally disrepected you. He took you to plays, theathers, dinners,vacations to Jamaica, but you found yourself unhappily married because you think he doesn’t show enough affection, and things are not like they used to be when you met. Do you think you would regret an affair down the road? I can’t understand why you would leave a resaonable marriage that needs a good tune up for someone you have an infactuation with at work, and willing to have an affair.

  157. 157
    Anonymous Says:

    Have you ever heard of deadly diseases dude? And how can you have sex and enjoy even doing it and no feelings involved! Weird! See some help man ,your not well!

  158. 158
    Anonymous Says:

    @152/154.
    Sorry, I don’t see the distinction between going to prostitutes and having an affair. And this is from a guy.

  159. 159
    Anonymous Says:

    #155 I feel for you seriously!b I agree there are different stages of love and what people chase is the newness and excitment. Why would anyone make someone else pay the price for the cheaters unhappiness within in! She will DEFINITELY regret it but to late people like that are just shallow people. You seem like a nice man with your head on straight find someone of your quality and dont down grade and do the same in the future. I agree why would you krap where you eat excuse the language but very true.

  160. 160
    Anonymous Says:

    Wife of 39 years, was told Feb. 20th that Husband had been having an affair with woman he has been mentoring in another state, since April of 2010.
    Was willing to go to counseling. Have forgiven him, though trust would be an issue and he certainly would not be able to work with her again.
    He moved 1,500 miles away to be with her, though at present they are not living together. Seems she always has a reason why they can’t move in together yet.
    Foolishly, I have been willing to take him back, but I believe I’m now past that.
    I do hope that their relationship doesn’t last. Guess that’s just human nature on my part.
    Want him to experience the pain and hurt he has caused me.
    Wonderful support group around me and my children for the most part have been supportive of me. However, I have encouraged them to keep in contact with their father and now I’m a little miffed at my Daughter’s apparent acceptance of his infidelity. Almost seems like she is more forgiving of his infidelity than she is of my inability to cope with my overwhelming sadness.
    I hope this article is correct and that my husband and his new love end up not staying together.
    One other little twist is that she is here on a work visa that may be running out and she may be looking to marry an American so she can stay. Forgot to say there is 20 years difference in their ages, her being younger. And, she is also still married though supposedly getting divorced.

  161. 161
    Anonymous Says:

    First I think it should be said that no one, and I mean NO ONE, has a right to judge someone else’s situation. You have NO idea what these people go through behind closed doors. Having fear of leaving a “secure” yet unsatisfying relationship is very normal. Unexpectedly finding comfort with someone else, yes is inappropriate, but is no one else’s right to persecute them for it. There isn’t one single person among us who can claim to be perfect.

    Like it said in the article, there are many different reasons things happen the way they do. Not excuses, but “reasons”. How we approach those situations is ultimately what should be focused on. Should you leave your relationship first before indulging in an affair? Sure. No one can really argue that. But things happen. We are all human and have weaknesses. And due to our individual and private circumstances, sometimes we make decisions based on what is happening at the time. Sometimes its just a stupid drunken mistake. And sometimes its a horribly disrespectful situation at home and due to the difficulties of finances and child raising, it sometimes becomes more of a temptation to have a secret relationship. Sometimes hoping or convincing ourselves it will only be temporary. Something to help us through a difficult time. And then sometimes it turns out to be Love. That part is the most scary because thats when you really have to consider how it can impact the rest of your life. Wanting that person to remain in your life. Each individual situation is different for everyone. Is it wrong? Yes. Are there painful consequences to these actions? Yes. But its not so black and white. There are many layers to each situation and I don’t judge any one who has done it.

    I had it done to me, yes. But even as it was happening, I’m telling you. As hurt and angry as I was, I did NOT even treat my spouse horribly for it. In my situation I could tell he felt badly and to further persecute him would not have accomplished anything. Yes, I insisted we get in to counseling and we did. We worked hard and got through it. And we had no kids together either. However, we had gotten married young and over the years and with life experience and growth, we both evolved and we went our separate ways some years later. Not because of what happened, but because we just weren’t the people we were when we got married. So it was painful but we split up. But in a case like that, I really believe an affair would not have been surprising on either end.

    Lets be honest, people. We are not immortal. We only have one life to live. I think peoples’ fear of missing out on fulfillments in their short lives are what sometimes drive us to do these things, right or wrong. To lecture one of these people who shared their stories on how they should have just “stayed” in their unfulfilling relationships no matter what, is wrong. We all know “right” from “wrong”, of course. But I refuse to believe I could possibly know each and everyone’s personal circumstances and be able to make a judgment on their life. Yes its painful, and scary, and confusing. But it is absolutely never one sided. Like someone said earlier, Love is a choice. And even the personal who got cheated ON may not have been pulling their weight in the relationship anymore either…

    No one “deserves” to end up alone and lonely because they screwed up. I’m not in any way a cheerleader for infidelity, but I’m also not going to get on my high horse and point the finger at everyone else’s faults when I’ve made mistakes in life too.

    I really enjoyed the article and I think it gives some people encouragement who actually did find a partner, unfortunately in the painful scenario of an affair. I do agree, it will take a lot of work from both sides to make it work though…

  162. 162
    Anonymous Says:

    I think you confused yourself, I actually have been attending marriage counseling while my wife continues to run off with the guy she having an affair with. I certainly am not the one taking chances for deadly diseases. If I didn’t love my wife, and have feelings for her I wouldn’t be there trying to save my marriage.

  163. 163
    Anonymous Says:

    Hi again, I’m the woman who’s husband of 39 years told her in Feb that he had been having an affair with someone at work for 10 months and wanted a divorce.
    He’s now living in TX, though not with her, 1500 miles from our home.
    He refuses to go to counseling. I believe some of why this happened was due to a accident he had about 1 1/2 years ago and also his retirement. He kept pulling further and further away from me, and I must admit that I didn’t pressure him other than to tell him I thought he should see someone about his depression.
    I am having trouble letting go!
    I want badly for him to attend counseling with me. Maybe the marriage couldn’t be saved, but I don’t feel like he has given us a chance and I am more than willing to at least discuss the possibility.
    WHY can’t I just let go.
    Why can’t I kick him to the curb and move on with my life?
    I read things like this where it says that most marriages from affairs don’t last, but that doesn’t really help me now.
    Does anyone have any suggestions as to books to read to help me deal with this terrible time in my life?
    Thanks for any help anyone can give.
    I’m feeling really lost here.

  164. 164
    Anonymous Says:

    Yeah just go to counseling and stire away from shallow people who obviously cant offer you much but pain and heartache. America’s problem lies within people are extremely selfish and to damn liberal here. We accept these types of stupid behavior and make excuses about it. Well guess what their isnt any . #160 you sound like you need some help yourself. Whats wrong is wrong and right is right point blank no inbetweens. With excuses after excuses I was just young blah blah. Figure yourself out what do you want to do now go to dinner with your ex and his new half. Geezus christ people wake the hell up.

  165. 165
    Anonymous Says:

    I would sugggest the book, “When Good people have affairs.”
    People who tend to judge harshley may end up facing the same situation as all of the people above. If we are all on this blog then we have experienced or thought of having an affair. I have found people who are happily married do not have affairs. Happy marriages means a strong bond and emotional needs are being met despite the ups and downs. THe question is what reasons are you having an affair? How does the person (not the affair) serve your needs? Excitement and sex are not good reasons. Think of the top 3-5 things that are closest to your heart. Who meets those qualifications and do you meet their qualifications. It is like a job that is the right fit for you, you have the skills that meet the job requirements, and the job fits your skills and career path.

  166. 166
    Anonymous Says:

    I authored #125. My ex-wife of almost 3 years started an affair online that she wanted the divorce over back in 2008. The problem now is, she initiated a custody battle for my daughter on a 1/3 of truth. The first guy didn’t work out so she clicked on another and even allowed this 1 to physically “correct” my daughter. The sadder part still, is that even with all this and her being the reason I have my daughter in counseling at all, The judge seems to be trying to put it as psychological issues from my daughter instead of where they stem from and help her sweep it under the rug because she finally broke it off with the guy. Am i supposed to wait til next time now?
    I think not!!! So far ALL this is “in the best interest of my child.” It’s not just people and the internet #163. It’s just about everything in society. You hit it absolutely right. I’m not an absent parent having her 3-7 days a week plus the other regular parent things you do or should do with your children. But yet in spite of making and keeping appointments, activities, school, work..etc..as the father, I have to fight the system the hardest tooth and nail and truly am in the best interest of my daughter. I still don’t date so I don’t have to worry how some one else will be with her. just recently 7 and she’s still too young to know or fully understand right from wrong. Especially with the other examples she has and sees. No excuses for cheaters and children really are the ones who suffer the absolute most.

  167. 167
    Anonymous Says:

    update. Apparently my ex has purger-ed herself in court now. My daughter is still in harm’s way. a shame to see what prices people will pay to so-called “be happy” instead of working in areas where, if you understand what you’ve committed too; it’s really not even work. I hate putting this kind of stuff out here, anonymous or not. This is just some of the damages of cheating, selfish, facial, non-committal people. There are much worse things happening in the long run. The happy people doing it currently are in delusional states for now. When they finally wake up like most do, it will be too late. For the 20% or so that think they’ve succeeded, the road is still winding out.

  168. 168
    Anonymous Says:

    To #166 I couldnt agree more with you I cannot fathom what people do and put other people through for their own selfishness to only learn that at the end of the day the shit didn’t even workout and they have burned their bridges and they looked like big assholes to everyone and their own children. If your that bored then its time to find a hobby where people dont have to pay the price for your actions. Your ex wife is a shallow individual sounds llike your the only person who can teach your child that we dont treat other people this way especially when you supposedly love them. Again these moral issues are becoming the norm today but we know ITS NOT. It’s becoming acceptable because most people turn their heads and have that mind set. Your daughter will see it eventually.

  169. 169
    Anonymous Says:

    I was married for 9 years. My wife and I isolated ourselves in our own little bubble. She had an alcohol dependancy problem. I justified for a lont time that this is how marriage worked. You stuck with people and helped them. I started traveling for work and suddnely saw things much differently. Coincidentally I met a new co-worker around this time, and we had an affair. I’m well on my way to divorce at this point and am 100% sure it was the right thing. The co-worker and I have had some ups and downs. We are in love, but she wants space to figure out if she feels as if she can trust me for a real future. I am feeling lost without her. I’m not afraid of being alone. I just feel so connected to her. It’s as if we were put together for a reason. I’m going to see a therapist to make sure I am not fooling myself. So tough. I am in love with this woman, but I can’t make her trust me. Will it ever happen?

  170. 170
    Anonymous Says:

    I am married going through a divorce after 12years we have 2 daughters, my wife is currently seeing somene for about the last 5 months, In my experience, while my wife bears most of the blame, I did make my own mistakes, I will say it has been a huge learning experience and emotionally painful for me and my daughters, but when someone starts on that path and emotions get tied its done, I have tried desperately to fix it and refocus but my wife refuses and her boyfriend wants to make there relationship serious, so I have no choice but to painfully let go. She did cheat on me and didnt have the same sense of protecting our family but that says alot to me about her belief system. We are human but sometimes we loose selfcontrol and respect for one another maybee its instinct either way its an aweful thing to have to go through especially with children. I hope more people may see this and maybee take the warning, Karma is a bitch, Peace to all.

  171. 171
    Anonymous Says:

    This article describes my current life exactly. My partner and I had been together for almost 19 years. We have 2 kids. The relationship was only good at the very beginning and we should never have moved in together, but we did. After 8 years, we decided we wanted kids and so we went to therapy and got much better–at least good enough that we thought we could be happy together long-term and raise kids happily. One thing we were always clear about throughout everything was that we could always trust each other in every way–that was NEVER a question or a doubt for either of us

    Over the next 10 years we grew further apart. Neither of us could make the compromises we needed to make our relationship work better. Suddenly a man came into my life (I hadn’t been with a man for more than 30 years!) who met all of my needs and desires. He fell in love with me and the children. I was not interested, but I was motivated to make my relationship work. Everything I tried didn’t work and was pushed to the side.

    As months went by like that, this man kept pursuing me and eventually I began to have feelings for him. Still I ignored that and worked on my relationship. Still nothing back. So, yes, I ended up having an affair. This was something I absolutely knew could never happen and yet it did.

    A year later, the affair was found out and my partner and I eventually decided to end the relationship.

    As the article stated, there was and is no joy–I hurt my partner and friend, I lost trust in myself and my self-esteem has fallen. When I am with him, I think of how I hurt her. In trying to be truthful with friends to be fair to my partner, I ended up losing the friends. Obviously, I can not be seen with him in public, since it is so soon after the split.

    But still, I think in many ways the break-up was the right thing–it should have happened without the affair, but it never would have–we would have kept going on being unhappy and not making any progress. Our kids would still be seeing a loveless relationship as their model for love.

    I don’t know how this will work out in the end, but I do think that this is the best chance of happiness for all 3 of us.

  172. 172
    Anonymous Says:

    Three months ago I found out my significant other of 8 years was cheating and having an affair with a married woman. It ripped my self esteem apart. For three months i’ve been a wreck. He left me alone with 3 kids for this woman. He moved into his own apt. And treats me like i’m trash. I knew we had problems but damn I didn’t know it was this bad. I told this woman’s husband what was going on. He seemed like he didn’t care that his wife was messing around. i suspect he probably was too. He would act concerned then turn around and act like it was nothing. To add insult to injury since he has been gone he has made two attempts to come back to me. I would take him back and he would only stay for a few days or a week and leave again. He told me the last time that he realizes he loves this other woman and me! WTH ! I make an attempt to move on and he will try to stop me. He wouldn’t even keep the kids for me so I can go out and have fun sometimes. Its like he wants to make me miserable on purpose. I’m a good person I never did him wrong or cheated. The last time he came back this woman married and all had a nerve to come to my house looking for him. I confronted her and we had a few words none I won’t repeat here. Then the next week i catch him and her with my kids at the park. She runs away and before she goes I ask her was he leading her on. She says no. I tell him to make a choice he says me only to dump me again a week later for her . I’m so hurt I feel ashamed to even leave my house and show my face. I cry non-stop and this man uses my kids still to control this situation. He wants both of us . To people who cheat you are terrible , selfish people. I’m so heartbroken I don’t know what to do . I’m starting to think that my ex has split personalities.

  173. 173
    Anonymous Says:

    After 17 years and many financial stuff ups on his part( I was very supportive though)he left myself and our 3 beautiful boys for the employee,we were going through a tough time but I never saw the signs of his mid life crisis. We had a business to run and he said he needed to be away for the week, I never had any reason to mistrust him so never thought anything of it as he would go away for work earlier in our relationship. Looking back at the signs he was very nasty to me and to our boys, bought the vehicle ( V8 Dodge Ram) with her encouragement no doubt, started paying attention to how he looked and tried to say it was for me, has just about run our business into the ground through mismanagement and inappropriate expenditure and now blames me for it collapsing ( the accountant backs me up, I did our books up until last June when I stepped aside to save us) I’m not the one who hasn’t paid taxes for the last year, and he was insisting on keeping her working full time when the work she would do dies off through winter.I confronted him many times as to what was going on and he tried to make me feel guilty for not trusting him. He couldn’t keep up the lies and had to tell me the truth. I wasn’t surprised by anything he told me as my supervisor at work had been through similar and knew the signs, right down to him saying it was quiet at her house, I laughed when he told me that.My supervisor even knew what birthday present they would get for my 4 year old, a remote controlled car and they did. Big and flashy she said.This delusional whore ( I’m sorry if others find that offensive but that’s what she is)even thought we would sit down and have cups of tea in the future. I told her never to come near my boys or I will get a restraining order on her and I can due to her gang and drug connections. I do believe drugs are involve also as the ex has not mentioned her or tried to involve her when he has the boys. They hate her and have no respect for their father. How can she or he think this relationship can last when she hasn’t met his friends( secretly I think he doesn’t want to show her to his mates as she’s not very attractive and I am looking better then ever having lost 20 kg through emotional stress), his children don’t want to know her and our community thinks she’s a home wrecker and he’s an idiot, at least move away! It’s the honey moon period but the cracks are there as I know he has been scoping out escort sites online and when it collapses I hope they will be proud of the damage they have done to 3 little boys.I will be fine as I have already made efforts to have a better life, working to support my boys,savings in the bank, no debt( because we weren’t married I am not liable for the business debt)teaching my self the guitar and getting my self a motor bike, all the things I put on hold as we were always short of money and time poor raising kiddies. I am free!!!

  174. 174
    Anonymous Says:

    All I could say is that Im so sad to hear these stories about blended families and cheating its terrible. What baffles me the most is how could something so tramatic and damaging for everyone be so common? (Divorce)I dont understand nor I want to because there is no explanation really. Greed? Excitement? I dont know Do all these people cheat really want to see products(KIDS)of broken families? Doesnt anyone have dignity ,ethics or respect anymore its apparent the morals have become extinct in more ways then one.America shame on you. Please use birth control something and quit reproducing children our the ones who pay for all.Our children arent the future we are and we dont give any good examples. When people say they broke up because of an affair I dont hang out with people like that its unclassy,degrating and demeaning for all. And I embarrased for them. They speak of it as if they traded a car in for a new one.Disgusting seriously

  175. 175
    Anonymous Says:

    I am currently leagaly separated my wife of 15 years, I am in the military had issues and have issues i wasnt always the nicest husband verbally. During my last deployment and prior to my wife wanted it over but i wanted to wait. low and behold she couldnt look me in the eyes and cried the internet when i was deployed i knew. In January she wanted me to leave i wouldnt she got a place i wouldnt help, because i knew what she was doing she hid this relationship til the separation papers were sighned and still does to most. As bad as things got at times she cheated whether between the ears or not. I believe it wont last we have a son together i want her back, There is no way in hell that relationship will survive especialy when she has to look our son in the face. Affairs are not the answer you can be mean and push people away but its not the noble thing to do no matter what.

  176. 176
    Anonymous Says:

    What I don’t get is that I’m a single attractive women that can’t even get a date and it seems more married people are getting laid than ever with everyone! Discusting how they have to bring children into this world.

  177. 177
    Anonymous Says:

    To all the homewreckers claiming that noone has a right to judge us blah blah, STOP DOING THINGS TO MAKE PEOPLE JUDGE YOU. No one likes a homewrecker let alone wants to be friends with her/him watch out for your spouses!

  178. 178
    Anonymous Says:

    Here is an inspiration story….

    My husband cheated on me, I found out, was devestated, heartbroken and had a lot to deal with being a single mum. There he was, all smug as hell having wild sex and flaunting it while I was at home looking after bubba, working full time and wondering what on earth just happened. Not completley blindsigthed by who he was having sex with as he always spoke about her with a grin on his face (infactuation) but completley shocked that he would throw away his marriage and son and family and subject our son to a life of getting dragged pillar to post and I wasn’t even aware of any “Problems”

    I would sit at night obsessing about how much sex he was having while I wasn’t, why someone so cruel was getting laid, and why a single girl wanted to be with a cheating married man twice her age was beyond me. Confused and heartbroken I decided to get my arse out and move on on the quest to find myself.

    After a string of flings and dissapointment in the quality of men out there I finally gave up trying to get him back by being with someone ANYONE stuffed if he was going to end up with a girl who bent over backwards for him while I was to remain single. In the end, I grew up. I had to. I look back and relised that he was really just an a hole and I deserved so much better and it was all meant to be when I started to live a cmpletley different more fullfilling life. I started to feel comfortable with being on my own, hanging out with friends and family and as the days, weeks, and months went past I stopped hurting, stop thinking about his affair and how long its going to last and more imortantly stopped caring.

    As the months went past I ended up meeting a really attractive, educated man who treated me like a real person rather than a sex object like my ex husband did. He to, had experianced the gutwrenching pain and anguish of his wife betraying him and was left as a single father also. He too told me that he felt simialr feelings about getting out there and moving on whilst obsessing over what happened and if it will last till he got to the point of not caring after a while and accepting it.

    We have been with each other for 2 years, he is wonderful and I am happy. We are both not interested in having anymore children or offically getting married just yet and it just really works.

    One day a few months ago I found out that my ex husbands affair partner had cheated on him and left him heartbroken and miserable. Didn’t quite have that excitement I thought I would as really, the writing was on the wall. He now knows the pain of betrayl and how I have meet a jewel of a man and moved on. He is lost and miserable. My partners ex wife ended up falling pregnant and her affair partner abandoned her with there newborn so he could rolll in the hay with his secretary.

    If they can do it with you, they can do it to you. The moral of the story is the betrayed spouse always ends up on top one way or another. The betrayed spouse possesses good charactor traits such as faithfulness and loyality even when they are in the same unhappy marriage. That is something to be proud of and something that will be appreciated as a good quality of a person and when your philandering husband didn’t.

    At least we can walk into another relationship knowing that we didn’t do anything terrible to cause our partners hurt. This quality attracted me and my partner to each other as we both know the hurt and destruction it causes to lives and we would never want to do that to anyone, not even your worst enemy.

  179. 179
    Anonymous Says:

    @177. I hope all does work well for you. However, the betraying spouses and their partners are unlikely to read this, and, if they are, as you can tell from some of the posts, they are unlikely to believe it. Everyone thinks the are the exception to the rule, but there is a reason there is a rule. Though I am not a psychologist, it does seem the betraying spouses follow a bit of an addiction model. Nothing bad will happen to them. They deserve it, etc. In a blog by a woman who had the affair, she gives reasons not to. One is that Karma is a bitch. Your ex and his AP seem to have found that out. As an attorney that does some family law, I am amused when someone is suprised to find out that their spouse, who was their affair parter, is having an affair on them. Oh well, sin and stupity keeps me in work, I guess.

  180. 180
    Anonymous Says:

    to 178

    Yep, stupidity is the word. How people think they are an exception to everything and feel entitled to do whatever they like at others expense with no consequences astounds me. They just don’t think ahead or, at all.

    Women and men who intrude into marriages need to get there heads read. Its not love, its the thrill of the chase. So self centred to not care about the potential lives being turned upside down. Why would anyone want someone elses husband/wife is beyond me. When I was married and getting hit on by men that knew I was married the only thing I would think of is “Desperate”

  181. 181
    Anonymous Says:

    Im sorry but seriously “when good people have affairs” is that a poor excuse or what? I dont see anything good about a person who has an affair. Doesnt sound like a good person to me. Sounds very shallow to me.

  182. 182
    Anonymous Says:

    I met my daughters father over 28 years ago at the age of 16. I got pregnant with our daughter and before my mom or my daughters father found out, my mother moved us in the middle of the night. I asked my mother to tell him where we were, I found out later she had not. I was forced to lie to my daughter about who her father was ( I was afraid of my physically abusive mother). I stayed in love with her father over the years and never even got the chance to be a family with him… I was always seeing him in our daughter… Last year I looked up his name on a popular social network as I have been doing for many years trying to find him ( I looked his name up in the new phone books and online when I finally had internet access) and long story short I found him… I had married & my marriage had ended emotionally right after it started. My husband had been having affairs and addicted to porn (apparently this was not his first marriage to do this in). I was emotionally being abused by him and kept hoping I could just make it until my youngest step daughter was in college ( was only 4 more years). I had just settled and got married because I needed stability and companionship but real love was never there. Well my husband chose to end our marriage sooner so he could move in with his now ex girlfriend. And I ended up through the divorce starting where my daughters father and I left off. He is married and pretty much for the same reason I was… We both looked for each other through the years and he had heard about our daughter when she was 4. He had no idea I was pregnant when my mother moved us away. He and our daughter now are getting to know each other but she has no idea that I am seeing him. Distance keeps us apart mostly so we visit every night via chat. This has been going on for over a year now. We both have many reasons why we can’t be together right now.. I feel guilty for his wife but I also know what my heart has felt and wanted all of these years. I had no idea I would find him again or what would happen if I found him. I wanted our daughter to know the truth and who her father was. Yes we are seeing each other I don’t feel its right to be judged because of this. I can’t help what my heart feels and I do have guilty feelings because of this for his wife. I don’t know where this will go or what I expect. But I know when I found him again my feelings were no less for him than hen we were together over 28 years…

  183. 183
    Anonymous Says:

    To # 181 Thats a sweet story about your feelings but let him divorce if thats what was planned before u found him but dont ruin someones marriage its just not cool.And sounds like there is lots of children involved. Sigh

  184. 184
    Anonymous Says:

    To all you homewreckers out there heres a bit of advice. GET A LIFE!!! And your very OWN single man/women. Poor children, how is it that intelligent people dont reproduce and stupid ones keep having them? It blows me away

  185. 185
    Anonymous Says:

    I personally feel that cheating is emotional abuse and rape. Had I known that my husband was sticking his thing in another women and then coming home to me and doing the same I would have never let him have sex with me. It’s so voilating in every way. I am reading this article cause my ex husband is still with this inappropriate girl and I am wondering why in the hell a single young women want!! a married man and the baggage of his child on the weekends as well as injecting herself is a divorce, court cases and property settlement and all the other emotional horrible stuff that comes from cheating and divorce.

    I am convinced she is a mental case but I am also convinced that all these people that help married people cheat should pay some sort of consequences for there actions. It’s just not right and not fair. If they didn’t know they were married then fair enough but most of these people know exactly what marital status they are but have no idea what sort of mess they are about to get themselves into.

    Seriously, my ex husband wasn’t even good looking nor nice nor wealthy. What an idiot.

    Stupid stupid stupid, for a moment of a good feeling, a life time of pain.

  186. 186
    Anonymous Says:

    Iam so saddened by all these indiviuals I read about pain, hurt, bitterness etc.Very nauseating doesnt anyone realize that you can forever change someones life terribly and scar their emotions permeantly? Im sure therapists would love to slap some of their clients for being ridiculous. Blended families are just sad very sad!!! Get a life people

  187. 187
    Anonymous Says:

    No affair is legit. If you’re married you made a commitment and you promised you would never hurt the other person in that manner. There is no pain worse than the betrayal of the one you love. It is unimaginable how badly it hurts. My wife of 30 years had an affair with a so called friend of mine and left me for him. I can not begin to understand why. If you married a person you stay with them, and you do not hurt them just to satisfy your selfish wants. This happened to me 4 years ago and I still feel suicidal over this. THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU’RE DOING TO THE OTHER PERSON, the one who loves you more than life itself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  188. 188
    Anonymous Says:

    To # 186 Iam soooo sorry for your pain and I know what it feels like a pain you cannot stop you take take a pill and it goes away like a headache.My exhusband did the same thing to me and on top of the pain and hurt he lied to everyone just to cover his own pathetic self and said that I was the one that had an affair etc.Point is that it makes me literally sick to my stomach on top of the pain he caused my son and I his family and him have the nerve to talk untrue shit.People are shameless they will throw you under the bus to cover their own tracks amazing! Good luck to you

  189. 189
    Anonymous Says:

    To #18…BULLCRAP. Affairs aren’t intentional??? Yeah, your pants just ‘magically’ fall off and your private parts just ‘unintentionally’ collide – that’s such a load of garbage!!! Maybe the feelings for someone else developed unexpectedly, but intimate acts and intimate conversation all happen because a person CHOOSES to do those things. They have a choice to AVOID temptation or give in to it. Having an affair is a CHOICE…and a REALLY BAD ONE!!! People need to stop being selfish and stop wrecking families!

  190. 190
    Anonymous Says:

    Why on earth would so many people WANT to be with someone who is married? There are so many single available men and women out there and these people actually want to be with a man or women who sleeps in there bed at night with their husband/wife?? Sounds incredibly stupid to me. Good luck to all the homewreckers that think they are going to have a happy long lasting relationship with there married ones that was built on lies and deception.

  191. 191
    Anonymous Says:

    @189:

    The reason married people hook up to cheat, is that after the sex, they both go their seperate ways, and back to their mundane life with their spouses ;) No strings, no drama (until one “falls in love”). A single person is bound to develop feelings and sooner or later you’ll get caught.

    But I DO agree, single people should only date single people. A married person in all likelihood won’t leave their spouse for an affiar partner.

  192. 192
    Anonymous Says:

    #190!
    You hit the nail on the head!! My H thought that his affair was safe and then SHE feel in love with him and they got caught! It was all a game to them until she got serious and had big expectations. WOW…

  193. 193
    Anonymous Says:

    I try not to judge, but after this happened to me I truly can not believe how selfish people really are. I also noticed a common theme. it’s never their fault they are unhappy or that they cheat.

    I had the greatest most loving women for 8 years of my life, some schmuck she dated when she was 19 (she’s 45) came out of the wood work. She was somewhat honest with me in the end…see this guy pretty much showed up at her work one day said ever since we broke up (25 years ago) I swore I would win you back. This guy has been married twice and has two families then he decides he wants mine.

    I blame them bth for being totally unrealistic and selfish people, in a million years I never realized how naive and selfish she really was. This guy is classic “red flag” in less than one month my whole life has been “changed”. By red flag I mean the whole I been trying to find you for 25 years (he lives less than a mile away and it’s the internet age), he is all or nothing, he was going to leave his wife but got caught. This woman whom I have known for 10 years, and been with for 8 years told me he needed a place to stay…and that I just do not get it LOL. So now I live elsewhere why some selfish guy is in my house.

    I am a pretty level headed person, I been through hell and felt like I had some character built BUT I was never granted closure, and you know what people who commit adultery are shallow cowards. Real men and women would stand up and be honest if they truly loved the “soul mate”. Like I said I went through a lot and anymore I try not to judge, but come on already most of you in the affair are clearing yourself of any responsibility as a fellow human being to the person you chose to commit to.

    Man up and blow up your own families…selfish.

  194. 194
    Anonymous Says:

    my heart is broken. my alcoholic partner of 10 years left me a year and a half ago. i,ve just found out he was having an affair with a mother of 4 kids that lives just 3 miles from me for the past 4 years.they have been together publicly for 6 months now. 4 years ago his drinking went totally out of control and i could,nt understand it. i now know that he was drinking with her in her house when her children were in school. he lied and decieved me for years. he,s made a fool of me. while he,s out partying with her i,m at home totally devestated. is there any justice. the bad person seems to have all the luck in this life

  195. 195
    Anonymous Says:

    My now ex husband left me 18 months ago for his boss at work who was also married at the time. The day before he left me she kicked her husband out and moved mine in. She has done this with all three previous ex husbands. She finds a man and has an affair with him and then divorces the previous husband for her affair partner.

    I did divorce him shortly after he moved in with her. What I don’t understand is that he got what he wanted – her and yet he is very angry with me for some reason. Makes me wonder if things are so rosy with him and her.

    I will say that these two, my ex and his home wrecker (yes he is a home wrecker too). have no respect for anyone much less themselves. I wonder how these two lowlifes can trust each other because they both lied to spouses and to each each especially in the midst of their affair.

    He told me via text shortly after he left that she is everything that I am not and I replied that he was right that I am not an adulterous home wrecking slut. He also told me, I guess to cushion the blow, that I will find someone better suited to me and I told him that he was right that I deserved a man of high caliber who has integrity and whom I can trust implicitly.

    Remember this: “past behavior is relevant to present behavior”.

  196. 196
    Anonymous Says:

    I use to think how could people do such a thing, I wanted people that cheated on someone to jump off a cliff and die. I never thought I would cheat on my husband. I always judged and now I feel bad for those that have gone through what I am going through now. I needed an affair to really realize how unhappy I was. I wasn’t looking for sex and still have not had sex with the other man. The “bad guy” that cheated isn’t always the bad guy. It takes two in a relationship. I realised how long I had been begging to be happier, for more attention, for more in common, next thing I knew I was having an affair because I was so depressed, I’d catch myself crying by being so bored out of my mind with my husband. The simple fact of us not having much in common anymore led me to a huge state of depression for months, that when a cutie at work that I have a lot in common with gave me attention it made me feel alive again and was so extremely overwhelming and for those that don’t know addiction to an infatuation can be stronger than heroin to someone that is hurt. If you would not help a loved one on drugs, that would be the same as not helping someone that cheated. The cheated on might look like a great person and you might feel so bad for them but deep down the person having the affair might be sick, depressed, sad and lonely and need help so much to where they risked there marriage and happy home. Not saying what I did should be excused, but that you shouldn’t judge unless you’ve been in there shoes.

  197. 197
    Anonymous Says:

    Reply to 195.
    This may be true, the cheater is often depressed, missing something in his or her life etc. But: Unless you work on YOU, these problems won’t go away. To get involved with someone else is more an escape rather than a constructive way forward. If you are having problems in your relationship, work on them. If you have fallen out of love with your partner then leave. But never believe that another person is the solution to your own personal problems. I still believe that people who leave their partner for someone else are people who are unable to stay and work through the rough times, or people who easily get caught in emotions and don’t have the skill of controlling their feelings. Both of which are unattractive in my opinion. And pretty negative in a relationship thinking long term…

  198. 198
    Anonymous Says:

    Most likely you are not looking for an affair when it begins. Suddenly there’s all these feelings that make you realize life is short and why the hell are you wasting it in an unsatisfying relationship. Because these feelings are so great, it seems like it would be worth it to go through a break up or divorce. Even if you care about your partner, even think you still love them, maybe have kids together, you know you can’t keep living a passionless life. It is killing you inside. You feel dead and you know it is never going to get better with that partner. Whatever has happened in your history together, life with that person is miserable and is never going to get any better. You know it is selfish. You have a war with yourself over whether to be a good person or be good to yourself. Either way, you know if you are meant to stray you aren’t meant to stay, so you will eventually have to get a divorce. If there wasn’t this other person giving you all these urgent feelings, you might not ever get around to the divorce, but if there’s the chance this person will be there with you when the divorce is over, it will likely tip the scale to do it. You can try counseling. You can try exercises to help you fall in love and get that feeling from your partner again. At least you can say you tried when it fails.

    Or, you can have an agreement with another married person who feels the same way you do. Yes, you deliberately choose to have an affair. You’ve thought about it and it just seems like a great solution. You have your reasons for not wanting to divorce right now even if you are very unhappy. Timing. Kids. Your Personal Code. Finances. Whatever. But you need sex and you haven’t been getting it. For years. You’ve tried to get counseling and talking it out and fighting it out. You’ve given up. You watch porn or buy a lot of batteries. Or both. So you make your pact with a “for sex only” partner. Then you get together for your appointments. Then it gets messy because the chemistry is fantastic and you know it’s wrong and now you have to really face getting a divorce.

    These things can just happen. Maybe they could happen to some people but never to others. Some people have a desire for something more and to feel alive. Others have no such needs and can’t understand some people who do. But if you are like some people, like me, I would say don’t go another day with it. Stop. Break it off. Get yourself together so you can leave the right way. There’s so much drama that could happen if you don’t, you will regret it, absolutely regret it. About 20 different ways you will regret it. I’m not saying this new person in your life and you can’t have a great relationship. I am saying you need to do it the right way to avoid a lot of potentially long-lasting drama, stress, scorn, financial issues, legal issues, and personal disappointment. Even if you can manage a timely and reasonable split doesn’t mean the other person can. Just break it off now and do it right. And don’t get back together next week either. Just do it right.

  199. 199
    Anonymous Says:

    I have been cheated on by my husband of 6 years, I “forgave him” several times after leaving me for some one else and truly thought he could keep his promises of not breaking my heart again. He of course broke those promises and went back to his girlfriend whom divorced her husband for mine, they are now living together. She took him back after he beat me up in front of my 2 year old. He of course never told her what he had done to me before running back to her. In my eyes they both started this relationship with nothing but lies and I doubt that is the right thing to do when you love some one and want to make it work. They both were married when thier affair started and I destroyed their own families. Affairs are VERY WRONG, specially when children are involved and dreams are destroyed. I am heart broken and feel very lonely. I wish there was a way to avoid cheating, but of course it happens all the time. I had an affair with a married man in my teens and I deeply regret it, I wish I could undo that part of my life because I caused heartache to someone else and Karma got to me. I was always faithful to my husband and loved him VERY much. I wish people would listen when other tell you not cheat. Most of us don’t because at the time we only think of ourselves and don’t care for others’ feelings as long as ours are filled. I just don’t see how a relationship that started with lies can last! If you destroy a family and don’t feel guilt about it there’s something wrong with you.

    Look for true happiness and God will reward you with a good life. I am now a single mom taking care of my 4 children who have been affected by this situation.

    A cheater is ALWAYS a cheater, my husband (not divorced yet, but in the process) cheated on his first wife, his girlfriend and mother of one of his children, he cheated on me, tried to cheat on his current girlfriendwith me when he left me for her the first time and most likely will cheat on her too!! He cheated on me with 3 different people while we were married, I’m sure those three are not the only ones he cheated with, that’s just the ones I found out about but if there are 3 surely there are more.

    Think before you cheat specially if you have children and you care about them. Don’t end up your marriage like this. If you aren’t happy anymore just be honest and have a clean break up but don’t hurt the people you once loved.

  200. 200
    Anonymous Says:

    After 9 years and a newborn baby my husband left me and our son for a teenage girl. I always had sex with him up until I physically couldn’t due to childbirth, and bent over backwards to keep him happy. He threw his affair in my face and they both laughed at me. It was the most humiliating experience of my life. The rejection stings, emotional scars deep. They don’t care. My ex laughs at how I’m all alone and how ugly I am and how nobody would want a single mum. Mabey he is right. But I know one thing is for sure. It was all very cruel.

  201. 201
    Anonymous Says:

    Dear 199,
    I was 7 months pregnant when I found out my husband was and continues to have an affair. My son is now 4 months. All I can say is that I hope you have a support system to get through the pain. It’s unfortunate that we will have to manage a relationship with them after being so incredibly disrespected. Selfish is a word that repeats for many of the people I read about above. Don’t you wish some people could just be honest and think of the choices they are making, the consequences and hurt they cause? Pay no attention to their actions or words. Focus on yourself and baby. Allow yourself to have good and bad days. I know how difficult it is to take the high road but do. I’m in it too, I hope it helps to know you are not alone. Good luck.

  202. 202
    Anonymous Says:

    I have just come out of a 10yr relationship. When this relationship started I was the relunctant one as we hv a 13 yr age difference. All we ever spoke about was about this and “what if” he one day wanted more. I could not give him children – he always insisted that I was all he ever wanted. Eventually I started to relax and believe all his words and actions of love. We had a great relationship and while I had a few issues that niggled me, I always spoke about them and he would always deny my suspicions and I would be called to forgive him. But as Life goes on and we get caught up in the everyday business of living, we carried on. At no point did he ever confront me on issues which might have been bothering him and I know there must have been a few. Well in he last few months I became suspicious of his behaviour, especially around his cell phone. He still convinced me I was crazy and that he loved me dearly. I must add that everyone thought of him as the perfect guy – loving and thoughtful. And then a few months ago he suddenly and very cruelly told me that he has met someone else and now wants to have children. Also now claiming that he wants to be closer to God and regain his spiritual life which he cannot do with me as I am a divorced woman and in the eyes of God – I am committing adultery. Well after 10 yrs to tell me this now. What I hv subsequently discovered is that he has been having an affair and now has to maintain his “good guy” image and claim he left me for a closer walk with the Lord. All this has left me shattered, with deep emotional wounds and a feeling of abandonment and a unworthiness to be loved. I cannot begin to descrbe the depth of pain and anguish I am in. I pray for all who are in this situation, it is the ugliest, darkest place to be. one is left with the pain and loneliness as well as the longing for love you once had. One cannot, if your feelings are real just cut off your love for yr partner just because he has done something so abhorant. Do we really survive ? does time really heal ? or do we just learn to live with the pain of abandonment and betrayal ????

  203. 203
    Anonymous Says:

    #199 and 200…

    So sorry for your pain. I understand completely. My H had his affair with a friend and the common thread here, I think, is how cruel they were about everything. Throwing it in your face and laughing about your pain. Their inability to have any kind of compassion or empathy is staggering. The fact that my H’s affair is over, has done nothing to heal the pain of his cruelty. It’s like I told him, it wasn’t the sexual part of the affair that hurt me the most, it was the cruelty that you have shown me. He revealed himself for who he is. I sincerely believe that he let me see that he is just a narcissistic sociopath with these incredible highs and lows that leave you feeling like you have whip lash. One of the most staggering things about him is that he has zero remorse! NONE! He believes that he was entitled to do whatever he wanted to and it was none of my business. He has even gone so far as to accuse me of having an affair…which is not true. He is completely paranoid about my phone and the computer. He has it in his head that I’m talking to someone behind his back. It’s just insane! I am currently moving forward and making a way for myself and my child to get out of all of this.

    Bottom line, get out of these toxic relationships and find a life for yourselves and your children. Nothing good will come of it if you stay. There are affairs that people have that are mistakes and then there are affairs that are just insanely toxic and destructive.

    Just know that you are not alone. Find supportive friends and direct your energies towards yourself.

  204. 204
    Anonymous Says:

    to 195:
    You are a prime example of why so many cheat and divorce. Selfishness!!! Immature!! Deceitful!! Your problems are at home and needed to be addressed at home out in the open and straight forward. Worked through like your vows promised. Even if you had to get outside counseling. I’m sure you think or say you tried, the truth is when people truly try and the spouse realizes the drastic out come of divorce may be involved, unless they feel the same and agree, most will do ANYTHING to save their marriage. The spouses that are willing and do; truly meant what they said on that day at the alter. More still, they probably fully understood it. There IS no excuse except the crutch of an easy way out. You people are like recovering alcoholics or drug addicts. Many say they try or are doing what needs to be done, as they head to the liquor store across the street or the dimly lit street corner for a fix. Yes. People like you are THAT low in life. The Suppliers may as well be the home wreckers. Even after almost 3 years after the fact of my ex-spouse going online and shoving her social and love life down the kids’ throats, the effects are drastically negative on my youngest. It’s a struggle every day trying to teach them to be better people. Worse still is the ex-poser they are subjected too. One way and mostly wrong with 1 parent and the other parent trying to live and show them right. Even harder as we all realize and notice the immoralities around us more and more openly. Even though it all seems common and we’re supposed to close our eyes and accept it; I’m not a lay down type of person and continually try teaching them the differences. If you don’t have a back bone to uphold your vows and work through things openly, what’s going to happen when the next relationship goes to a stale mate? It’s the same level of commitment no matter what.

  205. 205
    Anonymous Says:

    Um. Why does every critic here assume the cheated on spouse is this innocent loving person. A lot of people “cheat” only after years of emotional abandonment, verbal abuse, abstinence from sex in the marriage, etc., and yet did not leave because of children or finances. Did it ever occur to you that the non-cheating spouse broke his/her vows first–you know, the ones about loving, honoring, in sickness and in health, and so on? Yeah, those vows count just as much as the vows about fidelity.

  206. 206
    Anonymous Says:

    To 204
    There is never reason to have an affair – You always have th choice to discuss what ever is wrong or what you are unhappy about. most cheaters hang onto to whatever makes them unhappy and uses these issues as justifcation before the sin –
    This is the ultimate difference. If after pleading your case and still not getting anywhere – you walk way – heal yourself – and then perhaps look at another relationship – Not get into a relationship and then use the excuse that your partner does not understand you or treats you badly. Utter rubbish and selfishness.

  207. 207
    Anonymous Says:

    That is exactly the point. Problems are in the relationship to be addressed. The bigger problem is that many don’t want the confrontations or conflict that are probably actually needed once in a while to keep things out in the open where issues can be KNOWN and dealt with accordingly. Out side family, friends, etc can only compound the problems, not fix them. Many cheaters do more talking outside of their relationship where it doesn’t do any good and is always 1-sided until they have the backbone to do what is wrong instead of what would have been the right thing to do in the first place. All the while claiming they tried which is more times than not, a false statement. Their biggest attempts are usually at the end while they’ve usually got their minds made up on what they’re going to do or already doing it. This gives them some sort of peace of mind and self justification that they “tried”. Talking around your significant other and complaining outside of the relationship is very non-committal, spineless and I can’t even to begin to list what else. Many spouses don’t forget their love, but with normal things like work, bills, kids….it’s easy to get side tracked under pressures and stress. True communication is the key. If you close the door and then later feel you’ve tried as your laying with or thinking about another person. You should probably re-think what you DIDN’T do instead of trying to turn it around to what you want people to believe.

  208. 208
    Anonymous Says:

    To all above who hv been betrayed and left to find someway of making sense and of all that has transpired. It has been 4 months now since my partner left. It has been a harrowing time – the grief and pain indescribable. Advise from family and friends, at this time makes no sense. But as much as we do not want to hear that time heals SOMEHOW it does. The pain is still with you but somewhat duller and my point is that one is left wiser, maybe more intuned with who you are and what you want from life. BUT please do not be fooled, the walk is long and painful and you have to do the griefwork alone. It is good to look back and acknowledge the mistakes we all make and are part of in relationships and couples who get the chance to reconcile – well that is a gift from God and hopefully we learn from the past. BUT AGAIN, Deception, affairs, betrayal is an ugly, ugly, thing and there are no winners in the end. The lessons are hard but we have options – one is to stay and to endure the lies and try to make the relationship work or walk away and have selfworth and not allow anyone to treat you so shamefully. The latter is the road less travelled and the most painful. I have faith that I can one day say it was the right choice, I am worth so much more, look how much knowledge I have gained, and look at this worthy love I have found along the way…… am I making any sense here ? Taking one step at a time, little baby steps.. and praying and loving everyone of you that has been hurt !

  209. 209
    Anonymous Says:

    Yes the last post was so right. I to, choose self worth and left. I can’t belive how shamefully I was treated and deserve so much more. It’s been a year and a half and I have been through so much. In the end I found who I was and what I wanted and he was not it. I look back and now know we were two different people wanting two different needs. I wanted a companion and he wanted to feel attractive. Well at least he temporarily got that through his affair.

  210. 210
    Anonymous Says:

    Why do affairs have trouble moving on to be successful marriage? Same reason revolutions, like that in Libya, often founder over the long term. The skills, etc, needed for a revolution don’t always work well to run a government. Same thing for an affair. It is hard to turn a relationship built upon violating boundaries into one that has to respect them. It is easier to blow something up than to build it.

  211. 211
    Anonymous Says:

    106 – classic! love your answer – so true…

    142 – It may be greener, but wait until you get the water bill!

    For me it’s been 2 years since my wife started cheating, after 8 years of marriage. Yes, we grew apart with a baby, difficult teenager and my company layoff…but we had sooo many good memories, romantic times for years… It’s been a year since the divorce – the pain is beyond imagination – the destruction she left behind is far more than breaking my heart, my ego and my feelings, losing our home and most of my assets – it’s a split family. I’m single, raising our daughter 50% while she is out having “the time of her life” bragging about her romantic getaways to the places we used to go. I’m 45 and starting over, raising a child alone and overwhelmed… I never would break my promise to her no matter how rough things got… Why couldn’t my daughter and I have a choice in how this would be done? Why so many lies and leading me on instead of breaking up first? Why is she texting me a year later to tell me how “great” things are?

    For all who are tempted by a “soul-mate”/friend to betray your spouse… at least do it honestly and split up first – it will be painful but leaves room for recovery later or at least to be friends someday. Don’t hide it and lie – you will CRUSH your family…

  212. 212
    Anonymous Says:

    I personally think people need to separate the reasons why people cheat.

    Years of arguing, disagreements, selfishness and not listening can take a toll on a partner. They disconnect and seek their happiness in which an affair may occur. For other’s they find a different outlet. Drinking, drugs, shopping, gambling. In some cases it’s an affair. The partner who has been betrayed doesn’t realize that their other half has been trying, crying, talking for so long and getting no response and has disconnected long ago and seek someone who will give them what they need and want.

    Other people who have affairs are just over sexed and do not care how many people they sleep around with. For others they do it in thinking they won’t get caught and curiosity got the best of them. You also have your over achievers that keep climbing that ladder and also thinks that ladder also includes an affair.

    You also have partners who have told their significant others they are done and over with the marriage. Divorce papers are served, lawyer appts set. Should that person not look for companionship when their partner knows the marriage is over? Should they stay in a unhappy marriage because the other half doesn’t want for that partner to leave? Maybe to the other half things seem FINE, but to the spouse who wants out things aren’t fine. Pay attention. Should an unhappy spouse stay unhappy just to make another happy? Yes the other half knows, papers are signed, Lawyers have been called… so is it still an affair if the truth of wanting out is on the table?

    There are many reasons for affairs. Not everyone has the same reasons as to why they have. People shouldn’t judge other’s for having an affair unless you know what’s going on behind close doors. Or don’t go judging a person who has or is having an affair because you have gotten betrayed yourself. Give it time and you may be able to see clear the reason of why that person chose the affair. Just keep in mind there are MANY reasons as to why a person moves on. And if a person has told their partner they aren’t happy and they want out and has done all they could in the marriage and the other spouse just didn’t listen and you want them to stay, don’t go blaming them for finding some kind of happiness for themselves because you didn’t want them to leave because you think everything is FINE. No one should have to just settle in life for FINE.

  213. 213
    Anonymous Says:

    To all of those saying an affair is not a choice please consider the following…

    What if you knew that one of your children would be killed if you had an affair. Would you still do it? I highly suspect the answer is “no.” Therefore, what you are really saying is that the urge CAN be controlled you just chose not to prioritize it.

    I have no problem with someone ending a bad marriage. But you end the marriage first (after trying to fix it of course), THEN you start a relationship with someone else.

  214. 214
    Anonymous Says:

    No matter what…. In the end, the grass is not greener on the other side, it’s where ya water it:)) loved the comment…. About the water bill.. My ex is now paying that bill…. The bill to water the grass on the other side is not cheap… 1/2 his income, the rejection he put on our 3 teenage boys for one whole year has come back to bite him in the butt… As they no longer respect him one bit and as his family as well have lost respect for him… Lost his home, denied his faith, and is broke… Plus his greener grass ( who also cheated on her spouse ) turned out to be a jealous, freaky, crazy chick. He’s afraid to leave her…. Now that’s a huge water bill….

  215. 215
    Anonymous Says:

    211- That is another point. The reasons why they cry..how they feel…and so many other aspects that might have been worth the arguments in the long run. Many just don’t really put things out in the open where they should. Friends and family are easier push overs. Even the internet where you can tell people exactly what and how you want them to know it. Too many cheaters need the outside listeners because they never know the whole story or remember past conversations concerning THE household or relationship. Instead of resolutions, they resort to a “REVOLUTION” of their own; gaining as much support as they can along the way. And most do not care about anything but themselves. My EX admitted this herself back in 2008. My youngest still suffers the most with literally 2 different life styles. I still don’t date because she still has a hard time understanding right from wrong. The EX on the other hand and what she allows and what goes on, has literally scared my youngest to tears at times. Not much more I want to go into detail about there; but it’s a shame I’m the one that has to fight the system tooth and nail.

  216. 216
    Anonymous Says:

    I wonder if the people who say “don’t judge me until you my situation” would look at it same way if their son-in-law was doing it to their daughter, etc.

  217. 217
    Anonymous Says:

    Number 215 of course not. The girl who tore apart my son and beautiful daughter in law who was such a great wife, expects me to open my arms to her and welcome her? She’s got no chance, I will never except that little Troublemaking homewrecker and I miss my grandson and daughter in law so much. My son and his mistress have done nothing but attack his wife while she is trying to raise a child. I’m so ashamed of the pair of them. My son has changed so much for the worse and this girl Is very young and arrogant. I hope someone does it to her oneday so she can see how hurtful it is. She thinks it’s a game. Yep, a sick one.

  218. 218
    Anonymous Says:

    To 217:

    You sound like a starstruck in love teenager. Yeah, you have all of these feelings now. Does the guy leave his socks by the bed, leave a cereal bowl out? Does he come home late and not think to call you? You don’t know who this guy is except for the person you want him to be right now. If you put 1/4 of the energy into your marriage you are into the affair you’d probably have a good life although I don’t know your specific circumstances.

    As for the comments about honor–yes honor is worth more than going through life and saying “wow what a ride!” You know why–because this hormonally driven state you are in right now–yes that’s right its causing you to secrete chemicals that much like a drug addict secrets when they ingest the drug of their choice. The problem is eventually–usually within a year or so–it wears off. Just like a drug addict you devleop a tolerance for this and need more and more until there is no more. That’s when you are going to see Prince Charming for the person he is. That’s the person his wife see everyday. Oh yeah, and for all I just wrote about your current and future perception of him is all true coming back the other way toward you.

    In the end, if you two lovebirds decide that defenseless children really are resilient and warrant their lives being shattered because of your selfishness and impulsiveness you can always go through the rest of life (or until you break it off because it was never destined to be anyway) knowing that you have a stain on your soul. You cheated on your mate. You broke vows. You WILL most likely hate his ex wife should this come to be because she will represent the most basic elements of what you have to fear. Her very existence means and is proof that in spite of having a child with her your future prize has the capacity to cheat. To fall in love with someone he is not with–presumably you at the time. It means that he can and will leave a home. She will be day in and day out living proof that its possible.

    You will wake up every day and know the the very foundation of your relationship is built upon dishonesty, lying, cheating, sneaking, and the ability to divert emotional resources away from your current bond.

    # 106 says it best “Dang, people. I want me a soulmate too! You know, someone who’ll accept and affirm me just the way I am while I condemn and criticize my spouse for not being who I want him to be. My soulmate will put MY needs ahead of every other person or child in my sphere of influence. I want someone who’ll justify betrayal and selfish behavior so that I can forget my troubles and deny my responsibility for helping to solve them. Best of all my soulmate will help me to place my honorable commitment to love ‘for better or worse’ on the altar of narcissism. Where do I find one of these ‘god-given’ masseuses?!”

    In the end my guess is that you will do what you need to do to satisfy yourself and will only later find out that the supposed problem that you set out to fix was living inside you all the time. You will have chosen what you THOUGHT was the easy way only to find out that all you did was added split custody, financial hardship, bad feelings, and diminished respect from your children. At that point you will be a twice divorced, poorer financially, poorer emotionally, and staring back at the wreckage and ruins you put upon other people because of your selfishness.

    Here’s one sentence of good advice: Go fix you, fix your self esteem and you won’t feel a need to go outside of your marriage to be propped up by another woman’s husband.

  219. 219
    Anonymous Says:

    @218 Simply put, Amen. However, most of those involved in the affair live in a fog, an altered mental state, or in temporary insanity, to use phrases I have seen used by the counselors in the field, so logic and reason won’t affect them. They would rather live by sense than sensibility. For all the talk about not being able to change how they “feel”, they manage to forget the fact they can control how they act. Unfortunately, #217 has already rationalized everything. The best stat I have seen is that 5% of affair partners (Dr. Nancy Kalish, Lost LOves) will end up together, trying a long term relationship. They will suffer higher than average divorce rates. Yet everyone thinks they are the exception to the rule. So though I hope #217 and those like here take your advice, she will be looking back at the wreckage, wondering what went wrong, and probably not having learned a thing. With that said, my prayers for all involved in all sides, for I think that is the only solution

  220. 220
    Anonymous Says:

    @211

    There are NO good reasons for people to betray their partner. There are a thousand good reasons why NOT to do it. As for my situation, I hope my straying husband finds hapiness with one of his multiple OWs [I said many. Now, are you going to tell me that he has a good reason to cheat on all and everyone of them? One for each maybe. Plus one for the pot (me)]. He never complained about the mariage for the good reason there was nothing to complain about. I wish him well but I know none of these relationships, on their own and far from the exciting state of “affair”, will last especially since all these affairs are long-distance. Will not resist the day-to-day I can guarantee this. Most of these Ows are crazy, none of them work, they all wait for him because he made them believe he was going to be rich (common…), one is a complete doormat. Maybe cute now but will get old after a while. The sad part is, by the time he realizes, I will be far away.

  221. 221
    Anonymous Says:

    My husbands other women was a psycho, she hated me and wanted me completely out of the picture even though there was a child involved. I think women who go around deliberately breaking families are not all there in the head. They are competative distructive people that like causing pain on people’s lives. When I let my husband and his ow be together all the fun was taken out of it and they were left to have a normal relationship. Needless to say, she cheated on him left him for dust. To bad to late divorce is final. For something so temporary a lot of lives were crushed. And hurt

  222. 222
    Anonymous Says:

    My wife left me six months ago. We’d been together for 26 years (married for 23) I was and remain truly devastated.

    She said she just needed some time and to my direct question ‘Is there anyone else?’ she replied ‘NO’. She had been treated for depression so I was letting things slide because of her alleged illness. I have since discovered an old phone of hers and on it were over 400 messages between her and this other guy. When I asked her about these she justified what she had done by saying she ‘fell in love’. Everything I have found out since she left I had to find out for myself. She hasn’t volunteered any information herself. The phone I’ve given to a friend because I couldn’t bear to have it in the house. She’d even taken photos on it of herself posing naked to send to ‘him’

    I will NEVER understand how she could do this to me. We did pretty much everything together and were, according to friends, the most married couple they knew. She’s even pretty much given up on our twin sons of 23 who she has seen only once or twice since she left.

    My estranged wife has debts and hasn’t paid tax for 2-3 years so they are chasing her for that. Her father is an alcoholic and in a home, her sister is an alcoholic and her mother died 5 years ago. She has no family left so what does she do? She chooses to leave the one she does have and, get this, set up with a known womaniser who has had several affairs himself!!

    Her lies, deceit, betrayal and comtempt for me is plain to see but I still find it hard to believe. I must have been to blame in some way but she is not the person I knew.

    I like to think that if those who had affairs truly knew the hurt and pain they cause they’d have never have embarked upon them in the first place. Unfortunately I don’t think this is true. They just don’t care about anyone but themselves.

  223. 223
    Anonymous Says:

    to 221…. I am desperately sorry to read your story. All I can say is time does not heal.. it is the process that takes time to heal. for some this is long for others, they move on quickly. Please read my post 208. May God bless you abundantely and heal your wounds. The work is yours and it is a difficult walk. you will see justice. Go Well !

  224. 224
    Anonymous Says:

    I have read comments by more than one priest who works with couples counseling and annulment that the vast majority of people who are married probably shouldn’t be. Also that falling in love is something no one has control over, but having an affair is.

    You can’t possibly fall in love with someone else without there being a huge problem or problems in your marriage beforehand. The only honorable choices are: Leave the marriage ASAP if it is unfixable (and don’t see the other person until you do); make an honest effort to heal your marriage, leaving only if and when you’re sure it’s not possible (again avoiding contact with the other person in the meantime). Period.

    People fall in love, end their marriages and marry the other person all the time, but not all of them give in to the temptation of an affair. (An excellent book, “Uncoupling” posits that a majority of people ready to leave marriage find someone else first as a normal part of the transition process).

    I don’t condemn people who make the mistake of infidelity, but it’s a no-brainer that giving in to the temptation of an affair highly suggests neither person has the character, wisdom or willpower to truly love another person and be worthy of their love.

    It takes a phenomenal amount of faith, patience, time, work, love, etc. to go through the pain and fear of doing it right either way. But if two people truly, truly love each other (romantic or in a Godly way, in or outside of marriage) they would not ever dream of tarnishing, profaning and dooming that love through infidelity, of ending a relationship without honor, or behaving in any manner shamefully before their beloved (or anyone else).

    If that sounds idealistic, it is, but it’s the ideal we should all strive for; no excuses. Respect and admiration for one anothers’ strength and sacrifice make a heck of a lot better start to a new relationship than the alternative. Not to mention the horrible relationship patterns affairs establish.

  225. 225
    Anonymous Says:

    Why don’t affairs become long term relationships? Because they are like tapeworms. They don’t ever start as their own relationship. They have to suck the life out of another relationship to exist. They may or may not kill the original relationship, but even if they do, the affair is unlikely to move on to a real relationship on its own. Just a thought

  226. 226
    Anonymous Says:

    @223. I agree with you on your major points. The hallmark of any long-term relationship is committment, not just passion, for passion will pass. To have committment, the couple must have boundaries, but an affair has to blow up boundaries. It isn’t suprising that “affair marriages” have a higher rate of infidelity than other marriages. I have seen a report that 80% of those who divorce because of any affair regret it. And since not all of that 80% can be the person cheated upon, that means a good chunk of the cheaters regret what happened.

    I will dispute the assertion that the love in the first relationship must have died for a person to fall in love with another. I think that shows the difference between love and infatuation. In our culture, we almost worship “chemistry” as being the key to a relationship, yet a fair amount of psychology, etc., may dispute that.

    SG2

  227. 227
    Anonymous Says:

    To 223:

    I respect and agree with many of your comments but what I don’t agree with is:

    “I have read comments by more than one priest who works with couples counseling and annulment that the vast majority of people who are married probably shouldn’t be.” To me, many many people get married for all the right reasons. Its when someone chooses not to go through the work to travel a valley in the relationship that affairs are so attractive. I don’t agree either that there has to be serious problems or an affair wouldn’t happen. MANY times in the course of my marriage I felt like I “deserved, or was entitled to, or was missing something” and to be truthful I looked at other women at times and thought what if. The things that came back to me time and again was “Did I want to explain to our sons why mommy was crying (because she found out Dad was cheating on her”, “Did I want to drive down the road and see another man’s car in my driveway knowing he was in spending time with my boys and I wasn’t”, and “Did I really want my son’s respect for their father to be permanently diminished” because I chose what I thought at the time was the easy way out. I didn’t do those things but my now ex wife did. She chose to sever one of the necessary bonds in the marriage and connect with someone else. No relationship can survive without both bonds and the energy that is redirected elsewhere can be enough to inflict a fatal blow.

    Really it comes down to choice. Saying that I fell in love and didn’t have a choice is a no brainer. If I said to the person contemplating the affair that I would kill their children if they did it I am pretty certain they’d find a way to avoid it in most cases.

    In the end an affair that ends a marriage (or two as in the case of my ex’s and her affair with now husband) at best puts a lifelong stain on your soul. I don’t see how you ever completely recover from that. And finally, I agree that most people find someone else but there are a lot of studies out there that now are starting to conclude that the conventional wisdom that a bad marriage causes a divorce is not accurate and that in many cases an affair causes a bad marriage and divorce.

    I hated being on the betrayed side of the equation but 2 years later I am 75-80% healed and can walk through the grocery store with my head high. When its time I will get married again and I will do things better and not take certain things for granted. I’m better, stronger, happier, I know who I am and I love life these days. Most of all I am a better Father than I ever had to be before because on the every other week I have my sons I built a bond that would never have happened otherwise.

    Hang on there for those that are going through it. Know that it can and will be better. Look at life for what you have and avoid the temptation to obsess over what you don’t.

  228. 228
    Anonymous Says:

    I knew there would be issues with my statement that there have to be big problems in a marriage for someone to fall in love outside of it…

    By “falling in love,” I don’t mean just experiencing feelings for someone, but also indulging them, as in the saying, “Evil may come to visit, but you don’t have to entertain it.” It’s possible to feel great emotion for someone without letting yourself obsess over it, completeely open your heart to it and let it overwrite what is already there. No matter what you feel, it is possible to harden your heart against it and choose a different path. So I do believe there must be a big problem first, and that problem is usually that the person open to really falling in love has already checked out of the marriage in their heart, whether they realized it or not. Already tried, failed, been disillusioned, grieved and largely moved on emotionally. If it’s a good person in a bad situation, anyway. Oh — and I didn’t say there have to be problems for an affair to happen…I said falling in love. That absolutely doesn’t have to include an affair.

    I don’t think being “in love” is all about infatuation, either. Two people doing the honest work of getting their lives together, completely apart and out of contact with one another, for years if necessary, not knowing how things will turn out, can have their feelings far outlast the initial infatuation. In or out of marriage, we can endure tremendous pain and suffering and still be in love. For that matter, I think “passion” and “infatuation” are different. If you live your whole life with passion, throw yourself into the experience of marriage with passion, have a passion for a great relationship with your spouse…the brief thrill of infatuation can’t hold a candle to the joy, reward and satisfaction that can bring. But it’s a misery to have and give that kind of passion and get little or nothing in return.

    On the other hand, when two people commit in their hearts to getting their lives together and seeing what happens later, trust me, the infatuation wears off mighty fast. In that situation, if the love in your heart is real, you find out in a hurry.

  229. 229
    Anonymous Says:

    227: Good points but one of the things I now also consider is timing. There seems to be a prevalence of marriages that crumble when they reach that 15 -20 years duration. Now, what is the source of this coincidental timing of the failure? Is it the age of the spouse? Is it the longevity of the marriage? I don’t know and don’t have the stats at my fingertips.

    My point is I think there is are plenty of times that there is nothing wrong with MARRIAGE and something very wrong with one of the spouses. The wayward spouse, instead of looking in the mirror and seeing the problem instead says “there is something wrong with my spouse or my marriage’ because in their mind that’s the easier way out. I’ve now come to believe that philanderers fall into a number of categories. Some people are just serial cheaters and unable to commit to someone. I think those people are just really broken and there isn’t much you can do about them. Surely, when they are involved in a marriage I don’t think its fair to say the marriage was terribly broken when in fact it was the serial cheater that was terribly broken. Secondly, there are people that just go through a mid life crisis or what can more accurately be referred to as a tear in the fabric of their being. Sometimes that comes from a loss of identity, gain in identity, massive change through death etc… Either way, the wayward spouse has huge issues that must be dealt with and the easy way out is to swap out their spouse in too many cases with no fault divorce, and the routine view that we have as a society on cheating and divorces. I think my ex (although I’ll never know nor do I need to know) was going through a personal tough time for herself. The kids were getting older and were becoming more independant and needing thier stay at home mom less and less. Someone came along and built up her worth as a person, as a mom, and as a partner and she needed that right then. Shame on me for not paying closer attention at the time or taking things for granted and not forcing in some way communication out of someone who historically has been a very closed off person. I’ll change that in the future. Here again, I think the underlying marriage in many cases is an innocent bystander (as are the kids and other spouse) to the wayward spouse’s attempt to address changes/realizations/etc…

    And finally, there are marriages that just really are broken and have been for sometime and probably should be dissolved. I guess there is no way to be objective in ID’ing which group a broken marriage falls because it depends on perspective. To the wayward spouse the honorable way to handle that is the last and not the first or second because of obvious reasons on the first and the second places the blame of selfishness on the wayward spouse.

    From personal experience I can say I am very happy these days. My ex, who proclaims innocence on having an affair to this day with the guy she married 18 mos to the day of our divorce does not seem to be doing as well. I am frequently under attack and called out for being a bad person/husband/ex-husband/father etc….It doesn’t matter to me.

    Either way, I enjoy reading your perspective and clearly you are a bright and intuitive person. Take care and have a funtastic day!

  230. 230
    Anonymous Says:

    Yes the do last. My ex was seeing his 19 year mistress whilst I was pregnant. They have been with each other ever since as I choose to walk the minute I find out not that he gave me much choice or felt bad or showed any remorse. They were both awful to me and wanted to take every last cent me and my son had. My ex never complained and our marriage wasn’t even a bad one. They have lived with each. Other for two years and he bends over backwards to keep her happy. Something that he never did for me or our son. I’ve ended up alone. Being a single mum with a toddler working full time is demanding and certainly not the life I wanted. Sorry, no happily ever after story for me. Just a world of pain, rejection and them both rubbing it in my face till I didn’t care anymore. Goodluck to you all. X

  231. 231
    Anonymous Says:

    229 Thank you for your kind comments.

    Another thing I read recently that rang so true…when all is said and done people leave marriage for one reason only, always…they’ve reached the point where they want to leave more than they want to stay. People who want to stay can endure anything: Substance, physical or emotional abuse, infidelity; anything and everything.

    What I can’t understand — and this is just me — is wanting to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you.

    The first lesson of maturity is delaying gratification, the second is that you can’t and shouldn’t try to control anything or anyone but yourself. God could control us, but he gave us free will. I think the most dignified and admirable thing an abandoned spouse can do is offer to work it out but, if not, gracefully step aside and say let me know if you change your mind. An awful lot of people do come back, and who would you rather return to, someone strong and independent who isn’t going to punish you either way, or someone who cries, begs, fights and becomes bitter? The harder someone has to fight to get away, the less likely they are to go back and risk having to do it again. And then there’s all that bad blood between you. Bad behavior can be forgiven, but it is seldom forgotten.

    Which is why I wonder about a lot of people who claim to be loving, model spouses…while spewing bile with the same breath about what a miserable louse their ex is…that’s not love. If you really love someone you never lose hope and never burn bridges. At the very least you wish them well. People even divorce and then remarry the same person. It happens.

    My ex behaved so monstrously I had to leave to save my life. If anyone could claim to have the right to punish someone, it would be me. But despite my hurt and anger I’ve never said an unkind word to him and I’ve been as supportive and decent as possible. Years later, guess who wishes they had done things differently?

    If someone is worth keeping, doesn’t it make more sense to be truly loving and supportive, no matter what kind of messed-up phase they are going through, and hope that it passes eventually? And if instead they are worthy of all that bitterness and resentment…why would you want to be with them in the first place?

    Sorry so wordy, but there is so much food for thought on this page, so much wonderful soul-baring. One last thing this go-round…I’ve noticed all my life that people show their true colors when they break up with someone, whichever end of it they’re on. When they feel it’s truly over and they have nothing to lose, you will see everything from awe-inspiring generosity of spirit to nauseating displays of downright evil. I wonder how many near-exes change their minds when their abandoned spouse chooses generosity over vengefulness. Or are doubly sure they made the right decision when the opposite happens?

  232. 232
    Anonymous Says:

    # 229 – 2 years isn’t lasting. It might last forever but it probably won’t and even if it did would you want to spend the rest of your life with someone that can do that? Does the other woman have any real security? She already knows that the man she is with CAN get up and walk out on her–you are living proof of that.

  233. 233
    Anonymous Says:

    Anyone can leave any relationship at any time, and no one should ever forget that. Even parents and children can become estranged and never reconcile. We should keep in mind at all times, in everything we say and do with everyone in our lives…they could always choose to go.

  234. 234
    Anonymous Says:

    230 , I think you need to accep that people handle things differently, not everyone finds being abandonded and betrayed by your spouse in the worst possible way something to take lightly or forgive for the sake of love. Sometimes, love just ain’t enough and has nothing to do with maturity.

  235. 235
    Anonymous Says:

    Ditto 233:

    My ex cheated on me, betrayed me, lied to me. She went from being the recipient of awe-inspiring generosity and displayed downright evil toward me and her children through her acts of selfishness. She thinks I am mean to her these days but I don’t lecture her, tear her down as a person, get mad at her or talk meanly toward her. She became dead to me when she did these things and I don’t owe her any generosity of spirit. I am not a patsy and have far too much respect for myself to allow myself to be treated in that manner. I frankly don’t care whether my ex ever feels remorse or regrets her decisions and I am sure not going to allow myself to be taken advantage of to come off looking like the “nice” guy.

    It was the worst time in my life and the worst thing to happen to me.

  236. 236
    Anonymous Says:

    Thankyou 234 nice to know there are some people with self respect!

  237. 237
    Anonymous Says:

    Hear hear to the last three comments. Bout time this thread has some views on the betrayed spouse that choose to find betrayal unacceptable and moved on with there lives making it clear to the betrayer that it was wrong and you owe them nothing. Was starting to think I was the only one who cut my loses and moved on in an impolite way turning my nose up to the betrayer. I would never lower myself to fix a marriage where adultery was going on. They are the ones who need to fix themselves! Can’t commit? DONT GET MARRIED, fallen out of love? Get out of your marriage! Don’t drag someone through hell just because you have had a sudden change of feelings in between your legs!

  238. 238
    Anonymous Says:

    Don’t get me wrong. I was on the receiving end some years ago…for me, adultery is and was The End, instantly. I just don’t get people crying and carrying on (how could you leave me???) on the one hand, and spewing venom on the other. Like I said, if you really, really love someone, if they are worth the tears and obsession, behave lovingly and wait it out. If not, why waste one minute even thinking about them? I know, easier said than done. Nothing is more devastating and disorienting than having the one person you love and trust above all others behave like you don’t exist.

  239. 239
    Anonymous Says:

    Adultery is wrong and nothing good comes out of it. I was married for 23 years to a wonderful woman and we both knew we were soul mates. I messed up really bad during the death of my mother and made the critical mistake of starting to talk about her cancer with a co-worker who’s mother just so happen to have cancer as well (Don’t ever do it), talk and communicate with your wife. Obviously we had an affair and as murphy’s law would have it she became pregnant. The shame for me was unbearable! I had 3 children and a wife that thought the world of me. I destroyed my family! The co-worker was married as well. We got married and our marriage was built on lies and deceptions. We were married for 7 years and I always knew that I was not with my soul mate. We recently divorced and I am seeing my wife that I had been married to for 23 years again. The strength that shows me has opening my eyes to unconditional love and the true meaning of vows. I am going to counseling and talking, very open to my wife of 23 years. If any men thinking about having an affair is reading this please please heed the advise: 1-Don’t do it! The grass is NOT greener on the other side. 2-You will destroy kids and families. That is the only thing you have left at the end of your life if you think about it. 3- No matter how bad you think sex is with your wife, it is the most precious thing you will ever experience. Sex may last one hour, there are 23 more hours in the day! 4- Go with your faith and your trust in God. He will help you through it. 5 – Guys, communicate. I never ever drink, but I can have 3 beers and sing like a bird. I just took my wife of 23 years on a 3 day vacation, each night I took her to the small bar in the hotel we were staying at and I had 4 beers, she just listened! I talked, confessed, talked more, cried, talked more and talked more. Those 3 days of talking and being 100% totally honest, and willing to accept whatever come of that was all she wanted the entire 23 years. I learned the hard way through the school of hard knocks. I am thankful that I am blessed to have a wonderful woman, partner, wife, friend and soul mate that loved me enough to wait on me knowing one day our souls would be back together. Honey I know you will never read this, but I hope those of you that do will realize that cheating and adultery is not a receipt for happiness, rather a receipt for complete and 100% disaster. If you have cheated, go to your wife, drop to your knees, confess, ask for forgive ness and be willing to go to counseling, guys, it does work and it is worth your wife.

  240. 240
    Anonymous Says:

    to 238 – May God bless you and may you go from strengh to strengh. It takes far more courage to go back and make yr marraige work than to walk away. You have my admiration and I pray that you will find closure and find a happy loving relationship with yr wife again.

  241. 241
    Anonymous Says:

    I was married for over 23 years. My former husband was a minister who was running around with a member of the church. When I eventually discovered what was going on it opened my eyes to who he really was. I believe now I was married to a narsissist. He had all the red flags but when I met him I was young and naive. Out of the marriage I could look back on our history and see other times when I saw him acting improperly with women. He married the woman. In the process he destroyed a church and two families. He also rocked an entire community where he was well know and respected. The irony of it all is that he was able to walk into another congregation . They were mesmerized by him and seemed not care when they found out what he had done before. What I do know is that it says something about the person that starts sneaking around. Why not just be honest and finish one relationship openly and honestly before you commit to another. If the people who commit adultery could feel there spouses pain they would never even consider doing it. I can honestly say that it has changed my view of marriage forever.

  242. 242
    Anonymous Says:

    Affairs are not good. We all know that and all agree. Whether you are one in the affair or you are one being cheated on. So many of you are quick to assume that just because there is a marriage, that it was right. Although an affair can never be justified, these situations are not about an affair. Its tragic for people who try and try again, in the name of commitment, to make something work, that should never have started anyway. You people who judge, assume all marriages can be good. And were at some point good. To me you are selfish. You must already have it all if you cannot understand that a large percentages of marriages are not happy. They are a constant struggle. You may get along, it’s nor about fighting. Just like love cannot be explained, neither can lack of love. I strongly disagree with anyone who says you chose who you love. I do agree you chose to maintain love once you have found it. That is in fact a choice. It makes me sick, people who assume just because you have a spouse, that you should be happy. Until you’ve been in the place of an unhappily married person, you cannot judge with experience and validity. When something is right, it is NEVER vulnerable. That’s it.

  243. 243
    Anonymous Says:

    I love married man, and he IS going to leave his wife. He is a good man. If their marriage was meant to be, this would not be the situation. Not every marriage is meant to be. Perhaps ours will not be either, but I fully believe it is. And if it’s not… So be it.

    If any of us knew when it was wrong, would we even bother to get married in the first place???? Think about it. People make mistakes. And sometimes the affairs are NOT the mistake, yet the marriage was.

  244. 244
    Anonymous Says:

    @241. I will agree and disagree. Yes, having a good marriage makes is less vulnerable to an affair, but it doesn’t completely protect it. Much of the literature on the subject notes that often an affair results from the issues within the person, not the marriage. And if the marriage is weak, does that excuse an affair? I read many posts about how neglected the cheating spouse was, yet I wonder how neglected the faithful spouse was too. I realize not all marriaged people are happy. But some times people are unhappy and married, not unhappily married. Too many of us buy into the Hollywood spin on love and marriage, and then wonder when our real lives aren’t like that. You are right to some extent on another point, I can’t judge your life. Then again, we can’t really judge our own lives either. I often wonder how some of the folks who post about how they were driven to have an affair would react if the son/daughter-in-law did the same thing to their daughter/son. I imagine they would be outraged.

  245. 245
    Anonymous Says:

    My ex husband cheated in the worst possible situation, after giving birth to our first child. Truth be told, I was neglected and miserable with him. I never choose to betray and cheat though. I would have been happy to end it amicably untill he checked me and his family and his mistress into drama city. It was bitter and awful and unnessasary. Just goes to show his lack of commitment, love and integrity. Then he had the nerve to tell me he was unhappy with me for years and years and I never heard any complaints….

  246. 246
    Anonymous Says:

    @242. Let us know how that works out. I doubt anything anyone of us could say would change your point of view.

  247. 247
    Anonymous Says:

    RE: 245

    LOL. Sorry but I agree–its the same tired story over and over. Odds are very high that 242 will be looking over those comments in a couple of years and lamenting the set of choices made. My ex is NOT thrilled with hers these days and she actually wanted out of the marriage, we got divorced, her soul mate wanted out of his and they got divorced and now my ex is remarried. She doesn’t look happy these days.

  248. 248
    Anonymous Says:

    Married twice to the same man – 2 grown kids, we were like living singles under the same roof. He had his room, I had mine. At one time, I wanted the whole marriage thing, however, I would say my husband was not marriage material, very mentally abusive, jealous of my friends, would only want me to hang out with my mom. I went to my class reunion (by myself) of course and met someone I had not been around in years. We started an affair instantly, both were starved for love. That was in 2001. Married in 2006 and are happily married today. I can’t imagine life without him. He is my soulmate. I don’t even remember my ex. The only bad thing is my 30 year old son sided with his Dad and I have not gotton to speak to him since 2001. He will not have anything to do with me, Yes, affairs tear up your family, but, I so happy in my life with my husband. I miss my son. Maybe someday he will understand how much I love him.

  249. 249
    Anonymous Says:

    It’s sad that so many people are just not happy. It really is sad. I believe there are two types of affairs. Ones that arise because someone desires the excitement of multiple partners but also wants the security of a relationship. And then there are the people that try so hard to make a marriage work that they try past the expiration date and end up starved for whatever it is they always tried to maintain on the marriage, yet failed to succeed. I believe the latter is far more common. People who have not had an affair are so quick to put us all in the first category. What they don’t realize is that most of us were strongly against infidelity and cast judgments on cheaters too! We never in a million years thought we could be part of an affair. So the question goes, how do we end up staying past the expiration date? Why do we stay when we have failed for years at every attempt to make a marriage happy and fulfilling? I’m sure we all have reasons. Each different. For me, each time I try to end it, my spouse fights and demonstrates a willingness to make anything work. But once that settles, I’m put to the side again. I deal. It hurts. I want to do what’s right, but my perspective to end the marriage does not align with my spouse’s. So back into the circle we go. How do you leave someone who you truly care about, and they are happy, but you are not? You sacrifice your happiness to not flip their life upside down. And finally you starve and become that terrible person who cheats. You don’t look for it, but it finds you and then you are sucked into the nastiness of an affair and you did not even see it coming. It really is all so sad. How can I go forward with life? It’s hard. I want to check out, this disaster makes me feel like I’m such a waste of a life and the pain I constantly live in is unbearable. But killing yourself is yet again another action that will hurt others. It’s all just sad.

  250. 250
    Anonymous Says:

    To: 248 Sweetheart, if you have tried everything possible to make the marriage work and it is not. find the courage to make the break. Yes there will be heatache but it takes two people to make a relationship work. Then start to find a life for yourself. This is the secret that everyone seems to be missing!!! Some marriages do not work, but first after you have tried everything, get out. Not first have an affair and then blame the affair on a bad relationship. End the one you in first an then move on. That way there is less hurt and the one partner leaving will have a better chance of an honest relationship thereafter if they so choose.

  251. 251
    Anonymous Says:

    If only my husband ended our marriage first, I would have more money fir me and my son for starters. Less pain and less time to heal so I could find the man of my dreams. Cheating is selfish!

  252. 252
    Anonymous Says:

    Over several months my affair partner has steadily grown closer to me and more bonded in terms of being the person we go to for sharing the details of our lives and he’s slowly gravitated towards wanting to do what’s right, which is end this by making a choice, one way or the other. After several attempts to push for that, even if it’s not in the favor of our relationship, we’ve found ourselves back at point a again. This time I’m not going to let that happen. It’s not easy, but I want to do what’s right. Does anyone have and words that will help me remain strong at this most critical point of ending the cycle of an affair? I want out. But I also want him. I know we cannot be together as is in an honest and respectable manner, so that leaves one option. And that is to get out. Logic is pushing me along for now, but what can I do for strength when my heart pops back in for moments? I fear i could slip back to point a. Please help me find the strength to continue to do what’s right. I miss him so much. And he continues to contact me, but I continue to ignore him, even though I love him. Help.

  253. 253
    Anonymous Says:

    @248. At least ask yourself one question: Am I unhappily married, or married and unhappy? They are 2 different questions, needing 2 different solutions. A lot of people expect marriage to magically make them happy. When aren’t happy, the assume the must have married the wrong person. Since affair marriages have a high divorce rate, and multiple marriages lead to higher divorce rates, changing where you are doesn’t seem to help. Maybe look inward, not outward

    @251. Being here is a good start. Take some time to check out some web sites about affairs, marriage help, etc. I would suggest “cold turkey”. Some folks compare an affair to an addiction or a drug. You know you shouldn’t, you know it will hurt you in the long run, but it feels good and right at the time.

  254. 254
    Anonymous Says:

    I am a deeply committed Christian who has spent a lot of time thinking about this, and I absolutely believe the whole marriage thing has been misinterpreted. Which of the other commandments isn’t crystal clear? The sixth is bizarrely ambiguous. “Thou shalt not commit adultery.” Aldulteration means misrepresenting something — anything — usually in a business deal, like putting clay in flour, or skewing the weight of scales…which certainly can apply to relationships. Anyway I cannot possibly believe God himself intends us to live lives of slow and agonizing physical, emotional and spiritual death shackled to someone we can no longer stand to be in the same room with…many marriages that end are not that bad…and very many that continue are. I think God trusts us to make the best decisions we can. The 10 commandments are not black and white (wierdly enough). Life on Earth is a test of character. Thou shalt not kill…except to save your or other lives? Thou shalt not steal…unless you are starving and there is plenty all around you? I have never read a posting anywhere by a divorcing person who did not agonize endlessly about it…at least not normal, sane people. So, it’s not like the majority think divorce is or should be easy. Does this make sense to anyone else?

  255. 255
    Anonymous Says:

    Dear 251:
    Been there in spades. You already know the answers to all the questions you are asking. If it is a full-blown affair, you shouldn’t even be there. If it is a non-physical emotional affair then that reflects only a little bit better on him. You are right a decision has to be made, like yesterday. Do the right thing for all concerned and completely disappear. You will get all your answers that way. Hold your ground if he tries to win you back with the same old BS.

  256. 256
    Anonymous Says:

    @253. Number six means what is says.

  257. 257
    Anonymous Says:

    #30

    Most therapists, including Dr. Laura, say NOT to tell. That if you want to repair your marriage then DON’T tell of the affair, just end it. And, ESPECIALLY don’t tell the other party’s spouse! Why would you do that except that you want to hurt the person your spouse had an affair with? Their marriage is their business and you need to give it the best chance of succeeding, especially if you want to keep your spouse. I had a one-night stand and that guy ended up telling my husband after I had already decided to try and repair my marriage. So NOW we will most likely end up divorced when we didn’t have to be. It was so mean of him to interfere in my marital relationship. Some things are better left UNSAID!

  258. 258
    Anonymous Says:

    #256
    Hmmm well what did u expect ? You pull your undeadweAr off and u pay the price
    Maybe the next time u will think twice before changing someone’s life
    And messing w their feelings. You are not A truthworrthy person u betrayed your other half in the worst way possible . I bet you would feel pretty awful if your husband decided to hurt himself cuz of you ! Go get some help

  259. 259
    Anonymous Says:

    #248 – I feel just like you do, where I feel I’ve tried and tried and tried to make the marriage work but never seemed to get better. Have been married for 23.5 years to a very good man who adopted my daughter from a previous relationship. Husband was emotionally shut down when we married, I just didn’t know it at the time but he would act sort of harsh, verbally, at times to my daughter and I. Had some horrible things happen to him when he was a child (sexually abused by a cousin – didn’t find this out until after couples counseling). Feel like I have been “residing” in my marriage for the last 10 years. Was a slow slide, husband has very successful job, travelled a lot for business gone for weeks/month at a time. We have had good times in the marriage also, I’m not going to say it has been a bad marriage the entire time. Got laid off from a job, was a huge blow to his ego and also being a man and wanting to be a provider. I get that. I tried to be as supportive as possible, told him I’d get a better paying job, tried to be loving and consoling, give hugs/kisses, spend time together….he actually physically pushed me away at one point during this…that hurt very badly that he wouldn’t let me “in”. He quickly found another job and has gone on to be more successful than ever at it. I have worked many jobs during our marriage, but they were never anything like what he had as I also wanted to be able to have time to raise our daughter.

    What was odd is that…he’s never been the same since then in 2001. He pulled completely away from me emotionally and intimately, no sex at all for over 18 months. Since then only sporadically for the last 10 years, I would usually have to initiate. He has put on a lot of weight (over 125+ lbs). I love him but the physical attraction has waned. When I married him, I was attracted to him physically but it wasn’t the main reason. I’ve talked to him, told him how I missed him and our closeness, tried to get him to open up…all to no avail. Sadly in 2009/10 our 23yr old daughter went through an affair situation and divorce…this really drove a wedge between us due to our religious beliefs and also his family values beliefs. When she filed he was absolutely horrible to me, blaming me for my daughters break-up and his pain, saying “your daughter is doing this to me”, “doesn’t she understand she’s hurting me”, “why would she do this to hurt me”. I lost it. Yes, I wanted to say, it’s all about you (yet again) and she’s doing it just to hurt you. I know and understand he was having a tremendous amount of pain over this…however, so was I and everyone else in the family. It just hurts when he says “your” daughter…not ours. Makes me see how he truly feels.

    That was pretty much the “death toll”, “last straw” for me. I continued during ’10 to try and talk to him, get him to open up, let us “grieve” and hurt together…nothing. He even told me he “doesn’t need to apologize for being awful and saying those things to me because I should just understand how hurt “he” is”….once again, all about him. My heart just shut down. I felt that in order to protect my heart and to keep myself from being further injured emotionally…I had to just shut down/put up a wall against him in order to not continue being emotionally destroyed and torn down. During this time I began to take more time for myself, lose weight and exercise and try to take care of myself, since I didn’t have a partner who even cared about helping or working thru things together. I began to study to become a personal trainer as I enjoy helping others…he would tear me down publicly in front of others and say “i dont’ know why you want to do that, get a real job”, ” you’re never going to make money doing that”, “you should be doing something better than that, your smarter than that”. I lost a tremendous amount of weight, had to buy all new clothes. He wouldn’t let me get rid of old clothes “because I’m probably going to gain all the weight back and I’ll need them again”. That was motivation enough right there to NEVER EVER gain the weight back. Really realized, it was emotionally damaging and hurtful for me to continue in this relationship. Last straw was when he said he was going to ‘disown’ our daughter for what she had done.

    I’m sorry, no where no way will I disown my adult child over something that she felt she had to do or make a decision about. Almost walked out and left him 4 different times during between March ’10-March ’11…but realized I had no money or way to support myself. Was absolutely miserable. Decided by March/April I was definitely leaving.

    And of course, here goes the situation…during February I reconnected with a friend and former work colleague who I’ve know for over 8 years. We always got along great and there was always an attraction level. He is also going thru a separation and pending divorce (his wife cheated on him), they have 2 kids. Anyways, we chatted back and forth a bit. He told me he had always been attracted to me since the first day he met me. We decided to meet for lunch a few weeks later. There was an immediate connection and attraction and really long story short, we have been seeing each other since. I separated from my husband and moved out in April. I have tried to work on things with my husband, gone to couples counseling and individual counseling…have worked through some issues but I still am struggling with having any attraction to my husband even though I do care for him and we have built a good life for the most part. I just feel so emotionally damaged from him I’m afraid to reconnect and even try to work on fixing marriage. He wants to and is trying to make changes, which seem to be staying for the most part, but other things are popping up now with him. Such as him getting drunk and then texting me incessantly or showing up at my place and yelling at me and then wanting sex and to be with me. Then the next morning, the apologies start and the “i’m sorry’s”. I understand that some of this behavior is because I’ve seperated from him and am still seeing the other man.

    I don’t excuse what I’ve done and I feel awful about it. However, I have an amazing deep connection with the other man and we have a connection that is beyond the great sex we have. We feel like friends to each other’s minds and hearts. Recently, the other man has pulled away and said he needs space and doesn’t want to be in a serious relationship. He said he is still mourning the loss of his marriage and feels like right now his kids fill the void he needs. He said he is sad to see me not dealing well with the pull back from him and wants me to move on emotionally and not hang my hopes on him wanting a serious relationship soon. However, then he also tells me that he wants me in his life and that he’s here and and he’s not going anywhere. I’m very confused by all of this. I do think that we both need time to resolve things with our current/former relationships. Either I need to divorce and move on or I need to return to my husband and just give up on feeling happiness and fulfillment in my marriage. At least that’s how I feel right now. I never asked for a serious relationship from the other man, however, we have such an amazing connection that we just sort of fell into a serious relationship naturally….we were very close. I miss the closeness with him right now, but am willing to give him time to sort it out…as I clearly need time too.

    Anyways, that’s my story…I don’t recommend getting into an affair, there is a tremendous amount of pain and sadness surrounding it. However, I do think that at times if it is handled properly, it can lead to a positive successful relationship with the affair partner. Each situation is so unique. Sometimes the affair partner may really be the person you need to be with. If that’s the case then, you need to take time and resolve your previous situations first, take time for yourself to heal and then see if there is anything to build on. I feel that sometimes things and people do come into your life for a reason and that if you have been truly unhappy in your marriage/relationship for a very long time, it’s better to resolve it or move on first before getting involved with someone else, but sometimes you do need to end a marriage. We never intended to get involved either, as the other man and I both have said, we are people who never would do this, imagined ourselves doing this, and won’t do it moving forward either. I know I won’t, no matter who I am with or not with.

  260. 260
    Anonymous Says:

    Its been 8 months since I met the greatest Love of my life online. Started off innocently enough. Neither one of us looking for anything…I’d recently come out of a very bad relationship. She was separated and looking for a divorce. We got to know each other very well spending hours a day talking online. We ended up bonding very quickly. We did not meet until October. That meeting solidified what we already knew. Lots of lust of course not meeting physically and having a great deal of build-up finally reaching fruition. I live in the East Coast. She in the midwest. The husband eventually found out we were an item..I sent flowers twice a week since the second month. He refused to give the divorce. She stayed at him to take care of the two children. His finance are a necessity for her. She is trying to get out but ge is making it difficult. She’s been in an unhappy loveless marriage for over 7the years. I realize I may or may not have been fulfilling an emotional and sexua void. But I do know we Love each other. Now after seeing our Love blossom the husband has moved back into the house and wants her back. She’s torn aa now she wants to do what’s best for the kids. She has no respect ir love for him but is stuck without finances. She won’t let me help as she doesn’t want to go from one dependent situation to another and I can understand that. We’ve talked of stopping our relationship until things clear up and logically it is the best course of action but of course when you have fallen in love with someone logical decisions are never easy. At 41 years old, I’ve had my share of relationships and Loves and I have three wonderful sons. BUT have never Love anyone more intensely, profoundly. In all aspects. It sucks. But I think, we will have to wait til everything settles one way or the other. I wouldn’t trade our short time together for anything.(I’ve flown to see her twice a month since we physically met).

  261. 261
    Anonymous Says:

    My ex husbands did (lasted)I was a wonderful wife and as soon as our child was born he abondonded us both at the drop of a hat and moved in with her and threw her in our face. He now believes she is a better mother than me and believes she is actually suppose to be looking after our child with him. He and her are taking me to court to try and now take away my child, all I have left. I ended up alone and probably forever scarred at what he did to me.

  262. 262
    Anonymous Says:

    There are 2 reasons why people have an affair. One, their just mean nasty people or Two their not truly happy in their marriage. If their number one your screwed. Just get away from them asap. Separate, and divorce and get the hell out of dodge. Never see them again. Pick up you stuff, your kids, the dog and go. Move back to your parents but get away. If its number 2, then you have a shot at repairing the marriage. If you can address the issues and both people still truly love each other and just lost their way, then go to counseling. But if the love is gone, and can’t be regained, or if it was never there to begin with, then your both better off divorcing and going out and finding someone who you truly love.

  263. 263
    Anonymous Says:

    @ 258, 259, and all those who say “I have never loved anyone like this before” from DIVORCE INFO.COM

    “I know your relationship is different. I know you’re experiencing a tenderness, an excitement, a joy that you’ve never felt before, not with anyone. I know you’re convinced this new partner is the one with whom you were always destined to be happy. It hurts me to say this, and I know it hurts you even more to read it, but you’re probably wrong. “

  264. 264
    Anonymous Says:

    I had an affair on my wife two years ago. I now am paying for it dearly. List everything including my son really. My ex wife was a strong caring women with high morals and values. I was a then, weak man who I guess as shameful as it is to say thought I could do better. I meet an attractive young single girl with a narsistic personality disorder who I let manipulate me to leave my wife cause I was vulnerable. My wife just had our first born and I felt useless. She was always putting me first till our baby came along. Now looking back all she did was what many normal good mums would do.

    I stupidly thought that it was over cause this young girl was obsessed with me and truly understood me unlike my wife who was to busy with our son. How selfish of me. I left her for this young girl, broke her heart and my families and took a high path to destruction. Turns out the girl had no interest in a relationship. Just a bit of fun and money. I destroyed many lives and my child will probably hate me. What a fool I was/am. There is nothing left for me anymore and my ex wife will never take me back and nobody blamed her for the way I acted.

  265. 265
    Anonymous Says:

    I don’t really know where to start with this. My husband is my best friend. We met through work 7 years ago and were both going through personal issues when we met. I would describe us as being two lost soles …him because he came from a broken home and has little communication with his family and is a bit of a loner, and me as I am an immigrant and missed my famoly alot but didn’t want to return to my country. We kind of fell together and built a relationship…for me because i didnt want to be alone and I felt sorry for him and felt that he would be alone if i didnt stay with him. We got married 5 years ago…..within 6 weeks I was in Therapy as I realised I had made a mistake, and had nobody else to talk to. I also felt pressure from my family at the time to get married as we come from a family were social and outward appearances are very important. I have never been physically nor sexually attracted to my husband which always left a huge void. I tried unsuccessfully for two years to get pregnant fill the void i guess. Now I know its better i didnt get pregnant. Well….I met a married man at a party 9 months ago, the attraction was instant and magnetic. We became friend online / emailed first. i discovered that he was in a miserable marriage, had been two extensive counselling and basically his wife gave up on them. They have two kids and he believes that his wife just married him to have kids and then all physical and emotional communication broke down between them. On their final counselling seshion she admitted that she never loved him as much as he loved her and that really she can;t change that. The marriage counsellor pulled my married man aside and told him he can;t force it. So, hhe knew then he had to get out. This was just over a year ago, then he met me and this exelerated the pace and they are now going through divorce proceedures. I find myself now on one hand….being in a positionn that is soo envied by other woman….my married man is leaving his wife….but its not neccessarily for me..he was leaving her anyway. We live in different states so we only see each once every 5/6 weeks but are in constant communication. I have never gave him the impression that I was planning to leave my husband as I still find it hard to believe that I am even in this situation. I have stronger feelings of love for my other man and I never felt like this about my husband. My delima is now I think my other man will want me to leave my husband….So, my choice is either break my husbands heart and leave him for my other man or break my heart and remain in an unfullfilling marriage inn which I feel emplty just to not put my husband through the pain. I would never make a hasty decision and after 9 months would never contemplate leaving for my other man anyway but I have a sinking feeling that sooner or later I will have to make this heart wrenching choice. I too am a good person, would never have thought I would be in such a position so please…no nasty comments. I am totoally aware of the destruction I could cause to my husband, his family & my family. But who do I put first? Them or me? I don’t expect any answers, I just have to get it out there.

  266. 266
    Anonymous Says:

    I have been married for 16 years. My husband and I met in college-I had a huge crush on him. He was popular, came from a good family, and fit the ‘mold’ perfectly of my picture of a perfect mate. It wasn’t until after college that he gave me a second glance, and I was bound and determine to make him mine. I thought that if he loved me, then it was meant to be. But even then, something was missing. I was young, and didn’t know what love was supposed to feel like. Truthfully, I don’t think he did either. Prior to our wedding, I felt threatened by a female friend of his. On our wedding night, we danced the very first song and that was it. The last song came and I asked him to dance with me, and he said he should dance with ‘Leeann’, because he hadn’t talked to her all night. I remember watching them dance, and how he held her really tight…it was bizarre. Fast forward 6 months into our marriage and my husband was lying about where he was going one night. I went to Leeann’s house and found his car there. To this day, I don’t know if anything was going on, but the reason for writing this is that I’m setting the tone here. 2 years into our marriage, I started having an affair with a friend and colleague- “Doug”. Before either of us were married, but he was engaged (he’s now divorced), he told me that he was marrying the wrong girl and had asked me out. Of course I said no. But after we were both married we started this affair and it lasted for about 1 1/2 years. My husband was transferred to a nearby city and that’s when I ended the affair. It was a passionate affair that ended with a lot of tears for both of us. I had a 2 year old and wanted to make my family situation ‘right’ again. (yes, my affair started when my baby was 6 months old). When my daughter was 3 1/2 I had another baby. 1 month before the baby was born, I found out my husband was having an affair. It was very serious. A marriage counselor we were seeing made us fill out a questionaire, and one of the questions was “If you had to do it over would you marry a) the same person, b)a different person, or c) not marry at all. He answered “b”. I should have left then. Even though he said it ended, they at least communicated for another 2 years. I finally told him that he could have her, and I would be ok. He said no, he didn’t want to leave me. So we worked on our marriage. Still the whole time I felt the same void that has been there since the beginning. Meanwhile, the feelings Doug and I have for each other have NEVER gone away…waned a bit, of course, because we’re in two different cities now, but never have gone away. He had a few serious relationships throughout the years, but has told me he can’t move on because he still loves me.
    Ok, so if you’re still following this…
    3 years ago, I found out my husband had cheated again. This time with a co-worker while my kids and I were on a family wedding cruise. I think it only happened once or twice, because ‘she’ wouldn’t let it become anything. He pursued her though, from reading his chat history. Anyway, last April, I called Doug on Easter weekend, and we met in a parking lot and just talked…and kissed. I didn’t talk to him again until August. He said he was going to be in town (he lives 1 1/2 hrs away)and could we have lunch. Lunch has now turned into 5 months of right back where we were 12 years ago. Why did I call him last April? I have spent the last 12 years living a lie, and as you can see by the joke my marriage has been, so has my husband. I am very much in love with Doug, and he with me. He is 55, I am 46. Unfortunately, my children are only 14 and 10, and the decision to leave my husband is heartwrenching…but only because of my kids. I am way passed the ‘newness’ feeling of an affair and the ‘high’ that comes with it. I’m grounded enough to know Doug isn’t perfect…but he’s my best friend and I can only hope to grow old with him. My greatest fear is that something will happen to Doug, and I won’t be there (unfortunately he smokes, and I’m terrified he’s going to have a heart attack). But my love for him is such that if something did happen to him, I would gladly spoon feed him his three meals a day. I also have no outlandish expectations of how things are going to work out. I expect that if I leave my husband, I will need to live by myself for awhile and adjust to my new life. I haven’t mentioned that since my husbands last fling, he has been an absolute angel, which make things even harder. Part of me wishes he would just have another affair so we could just end it. I also have to say my husband is a wonderful provider and GREAT dad. I just don’t love him and don’t know that I ever really did. Please help with any comments. I’m very lost.

  267. 267
    Anonymous Says:

    Wow 265, I’m so sorry for you. I’m sure your decisions would be so much easier if you did not have kids. You can’t make these decisions on your own, or they would have already been made. I’m going to make a recommendation, and I really hope you take my advice. I believe it will help you immensely and you will find yourself onto a path of the happy life that you’ve always deserved.

    1. This is about you. Please focus only on you right now. You can’t change or fix anyone else, only yourself.

    2. You will likely don’t have a shot in hell in succeeding, without help. I highly recommend a reputable cognitive behavior therapist.

    Please follow through on this. Don’t give your life away to turmoil and indecision. You are essentially lost in the woods and will never find your way out without help.

  268. 268
    Anonymous Says:

    #266-Thank you very much, and thank you for not judging me. You are right about the children. If I didn’t have children, it would be much easier, though of course still very hard. If you didn’t know our situation, you would think we have the perfect marriage. He is respectful, helpful, and as I said, a wonderul father. We have never fought…though we don’t laugh much. It’s a very ‘polite’ relationship. The ripple effect that will ensue throughout our family and community will be a devestating one, but I’m getting to the point where I can’t worry about this. But, yes, I have considered counseling by myself, and after reading your post, will look into it further. Thank you again-

  269. 269
    Anonymous Says:

    265, this is 266 again. I hope it helps. Wish we could talk. I give you my advice as I sit here crying by myself. None of this is easy. We don’t deserve pain. Not all of us are lucky enough to have landed in a good place. No one should judge. I’m sorry.

  270. 270
    Anonymous Says:

    #266…did you post earlier, and are you going through something similar? My marriage situation is so odd…most people post about fighting, or abuse- mine is only about indifference…politeness…

  271. 271
    Anonymous Says:

    Yep. We are good to each other but it’s so empty, lonely, and is a huge void. You try and try to resolve those issues because good people are worth fighting for. But you fail and fail until you are emotionally starved to death and next thing you know you are vulnerable and making terrible decisions when all you wanted to do is make your commitment work. It’s terrible. So sad.

  272. 272
    Anonymous Says:

    I have ended it and gone back a few times. When I do end it, he agrees because it is the right thing to do. We have discussed our future, and while it’s what he wants, for us to be together, he cannot make up his mind that he also wants to leave his wife. So I’ve called it quits, again. I feel stronger this time, more incontrol of my choices. Anyway, the only way I would even want to talk to him again, is if he is available, not married. He knows this, I have made it clear. And he understands, respects my decision and agreed with it, but when we said good bye he also reconfirmed that he is not available now and not sure when he will make that move. So we said good bye, on good terms and in agreement. But he has since made contact with me a couple of times. To share that he misses me. I have not responded. But why do this? Why does he when we’ve been so open and honest and we are in agreement to end it?  What is going on?

  273. 273
    Anonymous Says:

    I had an affair with a married man about a year ago, I’m also married. I know why I did it and have worked hard everyday since to keep my marriage going.
    Someone found out so I decided to tell my husband, I had earlier asked for a divorce which he had refused. 2 months after I ended the affair I had ,,a closure” (or so I thought) on the affair relationship, we spoke and told each other that we regretted that we didn’t get more time together.
    That was 6 months ago and I’ve fully committed to my marriage and counselling and find myself more in love with my longtime husband every month but….I still miss the other man so much! I know that he has divorced from his wife which came as a shock…I guess my question is: Can you love 2 men at the same time? Can somebody have that affect on you? I would so like to forget about him but somehow my feelings (yes feelings) are there for him…….and deep inside I feel that someday we will get back together, when the time is ,,right”

  274. 274
    Anonymous Says:

    Ugh. 272. I think this is one of the hidden problems with affairs. Although most of us don’t intend to get into one in the first place, none of us know the trap we will fall into once we do. Yes, you can love two at once. Just yet another source for pain that comes out of an affair. Just remember, given
    Enough time, you will fall out of love if you don’t feed the relationship. It might take years. You will have to be very patient. But each time you relapse you hit the reset button and lose more time. I know, easier said than done, coming from someone who is struggling to stop resetting. Good luck. Stay strong.

  275. 275
    Anonymous Says:

    @ 272. I agree with 273 in that you might be able to have feelings for 2 people at once. What you do with those feelings is the issue. I would suggest counseling, or at spending some time at amazon or other book seller looking for some books to help the two of you in this.

  276. 276
    Anonymous Says:

    F these xxx holes. All of you other women are better than that. It’s about him, not you. Sure he may be genuinely caring, and maybe he really loves you as much as he can love. But it’s also true that he’s f’ed up in his head. That’s why you’re losing your mind, cause you’re trying to make something unhealthy work with an f’ed up partner. Read Mr. Unavailable and the Fall Back Girl. It will help you understand, move on, and hopefully find a man who won’t hurt you this way.

  277. 277
    Anonymous Says:

    Affairs are never the answer! My xwife fell out of love with me – oops! well that was her answer and three years on she sticks to it. We get on ok now but she the left the house and our three teenage boys to be with her black boyfriend of maybe two months max. Thats not a racist slur at all, just imagine how hard my three teenage boys who were abandoned, who have lived with me 100% of the time this last three years feel about that and having anykind of relationship with their Mum and her fella? So three years om and the divorce is over the settlement done, she lives with her boyfriend still and works part time as a cleaner. She has lost her 5 bed home, her car, her financial security, the love and respect of her kids, her two dogs, my family, our friends and she has blown all her settlement money. She struggles to see the boys for more than an hour every week and she is absolutely dependant on her boyfriend for a roof over her head and to borrow his car to come see the kids. Their relationship is hitting problems like most do after three years .. she has to accoadate his kids yet he has never met her kids. She is broke and worried that he could kick her to the curb when the next hottie comes along .. she his 43 now, still a good looker but you can see the life and soul drained out of her. For me, well the toll on the kids, the recession and its impact on my business, the divorce process and the settlement and my decision to remain out of any new relationship until my kids were older took its toll and last month I suffered a heart attack. Fortunately no serious damage, but thats not the point. A happy marriage and a happy family that had survived and flourished for 20 years went to the scrap heap because one partner didnt have the guts to communicate her feelings, that she was struggling with her feelings and instead of talking them through, working on the marriage … she decided to have an affair with a player who unbeknown to her at the time of her affair was also having sex with another married woman and another single woman and had given her an STD. She found all that out the weekend she left me and still chose to move out and live with him. You could say they are still together after three years … But afterwhat I have desribed above can you any of you really see it lasting much longer? Who cares? I promised to do the right thing by my kids, to give myself time to heal from what my wife did (and yes a lot of time is needed),to learn from what hapenned and what part I may have played in it all and lastly to wait until I was truly ready before I start a new relationship. I should be back to full health in the next couple of weeks and will be looking forward to this summer when I will start putting myself out there again in the hope that I will meet a lady that will appreciate what i have to offer and is grown up enough to understand the commitments and basic tools needed to make a relationship and a family work. My X? Who knows! But a comment she made to me at the end of last year went like this …. “I miss you and believe it or not I am unhappier now than when I was with you”. That says it all really, It was never about me or our marriage, nor how much she loved me or didnt love me. It was about her and her inability to process and deal with her feelings. Her inability to make a relationship work when for the first time in 20 years she was having problems. If she had our marriage would be a strong now as it always had been. But after three years I am recovering and will be just fine. She on the other hand will never be able to shrug off the guilt the anguish and the pain over what she did to me and her children. Ive had my rock bottom moment and have recovered. Hers is still still comne and recovery will be ten times harder for her … even then she will still still have to deal with a far greater loss than me.
    SO NO! “Affairs are never the answer”!

  278. 278
    Anonymous Says:

    To #276 Here here. I have been divorced for 2.5 years under almost the same circumstances that you describe and the interesting thing is I could have written your letter. I had plenty of blame in the demise of our marriage and but when I was dissatisfied with her I did not go have an affair and run away. I told her what I needed to be happy but she wasn’t able or willing to change herself or open up. I believe that it led to resentment within our marriage from me to her and from her back and that was the beginning of the end.

    It was a HORRIBLE time in my life but temporary only. To the point above her conscience will have to carry the burden of her choices and as she is now coming to terms with the facts that she now has more problems than she did before I can’t help but think that there will be a terrible price to pay emotionally.

    Who knows. I am healing and feel like most of the time I am in a pretty solid place so I am thankful of that and looking forward to the independence ahead and all that life has to offer. I don’t miss my ex anymore and don’t really care whether she succeeds, fails, or whatever as long as it doesn’t affect my children.

  279. 279
    Anonymous Says:

    This is #265…I posted about a month 1/2 ago. Although my affair is still going on, I’m fortunate that the man I love knows this has to be about me…and not him and me. There are no guarantees in life, so the decision to leave has to be just about me. We only see each other every couple of weeks or so, because we live in different cities. I guess that makes it easier to think at least a little clearer than if we saw each other regularly. My husband and I are at such a discord…but if you read my original post, it’s kind of ALWAYS been like this. I can’t remember the last time he initiated any type of affection, but we have this facade around the kids. It’s getting to the point where I can’t take it anymore…time to speak up and let the chips fall where they may.

  280. 280
    Anonymous Says:

    My ex husband cheated on me with someone half his age after we just had a child and been with each other for 10 years. I was traumatised! He didn’t care and never will because he was rewarded with his affair partner that supports him, what he did and the way he treats me which is appalling. There is always! A women out there that will put up with more than a wife with self respect will. There is also always a women out there that will entertain these men’s sick offers of manipulation, deceipt and scandal. They will never learn as they always have a reward at the end if it. Only when women stop putting up with this rubbish will a man stop cheating. That ain’t ever going to happen.

  281. 281
    Anonymous Says:

    I have been the OW for 3 1/2 years now. I was married when we met and I left my now ex-husband within the first year. There are many many reasons why my marriage was in trouble. But with a passive aggressive husband that was not willing to look at the issues…I did end up looking for someone else. And I found the most amazing man.

    He has an alcoholic wife so.. he stays for the safety of his child. He would never ever leave with the slightest possibility of her gaining custody. So.. he is waiting until the child is old enough where the courts would give him a choice of where to live. And also where he is old enough to understand the changes that his dad wants to make. He has already asked his dad.. Why her? Why did you chose her? (about his mother)

    We have been through a lot together in the last 3 1/2 years. He is my support and I am his.

    Not all of these relationships are based on sleazy gold digging other women and slime ball married men.

    We both fall under the “married for the wrong reasons” category. We really do.

    He married her because he felt sorry for her, and I married my husband because I was really young and he was 14 years older and I was looking for someone to take care of me. We were married for 23 years and it got to the point where, I felt like I was living in a retirement home. I was suffocating in that marriage.

    We were both married and miserable when we met. Finding each other gave us our lives back. And neither one of us regrets one single moment since the day we met.

    There are so many different sides and reasons for starting relationships outside of ones marriage. It has certainly taught me to never ever judge anyone for any reason. Because unless you are one of the people involved.. you really don’t know.

  282. 282
    Anonymous Says:

    To the last comment (yawn) that’s all. Your justifications are so boring.

  283. 283
    Anonymous Says:

    @281: I was going to comment about your desire not to be judge, by noting you are more than willing to judge your ex, and his wife, but 282 had a much better response. Maybe your case is the exception, but I doubt it. I wish you luck, as a lot of people will need it.

  284. 284
    Anonymous Says:

    I’m with no 282 on that one, no 281 (posting on Feb 29 2012 at 4.05pm).

    You would have had benefits from marrying an older man at the time. Like increased financial security, the looking after you thing etc. There’s a funny thing about people though. They all keep getting old at the same rate. So he was never going to get any younger. That’s the deal. You just ate your chocolate first and got left with the less tasty bit of the biscuit. Life, eh?

    And the number of people who claim their spouses or partners have such major life issues which gives them justification to cheat. Puh-lease. She’ll be no more alcoholic than he is, I’ll bet. Suddenly the wife who is a “great hostess” is transformed into the lush, as soon as it suits.

    Sheesh.

  285. 285
    Anonymous Says:

    I had to comment on this post. My husband had an affair about three years ago and when I found out I left him and moved on with my son who wasn’t even one at the time. Together they were very disruptive towards me and demonised me for all there actions. It was a tough few years for me. There relationship only survived through all the drama of the divorce with custody battles, finances ect. The last year or so after everyting died down, they tried to cause some problems here and there but I was onto another realtionship, stronger and wiser and just ignored the attemps to keep the triangle of hate alive. Last week I heard through the grape vine that my ex husband is suicidal. She left him for dust with financial burdon for another married man! he got the shock of his life and now has to rebuild a new life at 45. For something so temporary he has to pay for it forever. He is a broken man. I couldn’t help but announce to him when he was broke pennyless and alone being nice to me for once! that I am getting married soon and he was welcome to meet the new step father of our son. :-) All the slapping across the face he had been giving me over this girl who screwed me over finally screwed him over. If they do it with you they will do it to you. I would never see her on a site like this as she lacked empathy and felt nothing towards all the pain she created but there are some girls on here that a genuinley confused and feel they are in love. All the advise I have to say is that he will always regret his decision to leave his wife for you if he has a child as well. Mabey not instantly but eventually as originally posted above, when the honeymoon dies and the fighting for power struggles ends all thats left at the end of it is a broken man emotionally that will expect you to bend over backwards to make him happy and sooth his pain and misery of his actions. This calibre of a man is very selfish and only thinks about his needs and himself. Do you really want that ladies? A relationship that starts off bad ends bad. That’s my story and I felt I needed to say that. Love and light x

  286. 286
    Anonymous Says:

    @285: as a husband whose wife left him for a High school boyfriend, I often wonder what has to go on in his head. It is probably a rush that she was willing to blow up her world to be with him. Yet, he has to wonder at some point if she will do it to him. He probably knows more about her lies, manipulations, and deceptions than I do. And I wonder what will happen to her when she figures out there was a reason he was single at age 45, and that she blew up her world for nothing, in the end. Live by the lie, die by the lie. Hope all works out for you

  287. 287
    Anonymous Says:

    Sadly, #286, so many of us are in the same boat. My husband has been living with the OW for 9 mos. now, since I discovered the affair. We now had to put our house on the market that we worked so hard for and I think for the first time since this all blew up, it is really hitting him what all this means. I think he is questioning if the OW was worth losing his wife and family for. (I think he thought I was going to wait forever till he got himself figured out) I never thought he was capable of putting this kind of hurt and heart-wrenching pain on me, but I’m slowly feeling better and trying to move on. He was talking reconciliation right after the first of the year, but then again changed his mind. That made up my mind for me. I couldn’t live on this roller coaster any longer or be in limbo, so I’m moving on. It’s tough – we’ve been together since teenagers and have two grown children together. I never saw this happening to me and just assumed we’d move into old age together. Goes to show you can never assume anything or take anything for granted. I wish you all well.

  288. 288
    Anonymous Says:

    Why do these girls want men who are capable of putting this gut wrenching pain onto their wives and families? Sorry but that fact alone should be enough for these twits to relise. Yeah people fall out of love all the time but dragging your family though hell for some cheap desperate usually younger thrill seeker who thinks love is a competition? Then these men end up getting old, cheated on and taken for every cent have, then have the nerve to act surprised. So cliche and so incredibly predictable….

  289. 289
    Anonymous Says:

    287, what you have gone through must be so hard. You sound so strong though. And I’m glad to hear that his indecision and jerking you around has made up your mind for you. It sounds as though this man is likely never sure about his decisions. Don’t let his issues drag you through a roller coaster. Find someone who knows how much you mean to him. That’s what we all deserve in a commitment. Those who can’t give that should not have been in a commitment to begin with. This is not about you. His indecision is about his own self doubt. It’s also what made crossing the line into an affair possible. You have such a great attitude and so much strength. I have no doubt that when your ready for another companion, you’ll get one who gives you what you deserve. Keep moving forward. 

    288 – you are just obnoxious. That attitude is going to land you with one of these asses if you are not already.

  290. 290
    Anonymous Says:

    To the last comment, how dare you Assume I’m obnoxious, I was married to one of those arses and that’s the way it turned out. That’s the way most affairs turn out.

  291. 291
    Anonymous Says:

    To #289 (#287 here again). Thank you for your kind words. Yes, last year was the roughest I have ever had of my life. I know no one ever thinks it will happen to them, but that is truly how I felt. I never saw it coming. We’ve been best friends since we were teenagers, have always gotten along, he was a great father, and was a terrific husband until this all happened. My world literally came crashing down around me in a matter of hours. To add to my fun, I was diagnosed with breast cancer a couple weeks later. (Thankfully, I am o.k. there now). He came home briefly when I got the news but the tension was just too much and I asked to leave a couple weeks later. He clearly didn’t want to be there and couldn’t get back out the door quickly enough. I somehow managed to get through the holidays and have been trying to move forward. I’ve been seeing a counselor and I think it finally struck me one day – she told me “stop being a victim. It’s time you got angry and when you do, that will empower you.” That really resonated with me. I felt I had been jerked around enough. After talking reconciliation and really getting my hopes up, then going back on that a few days later, I had had enough. What also put me over the top was he decided to celebrate his 50th b-day with a romantic getaway with the OW. I never saw him at all. That was enough for me. My daughter thinks he thought I’d always be loyal and wait for him to get himself figured out. Oh, and have I mentioned that the OW is still married (her second)? I’m puzzled why neither is moving for divorce but can’t try to guess what they are thinking. That’s something else I’ve learned in counseling – don’t try to figure out his next move or what he is thinking, just concentrate on myself. So yes, things are slowly getting better and I’m starting to have some fun again. All my friends that have been through this (and sadly, there are quite a few) have said there is a light at the end of the tunnel and you will come out of this o.k., and even though I have some bumpy roads ahead, I’m finally beginning to believe that. I will be alright. And who knows, things happen for a reason, maybe I’ll be happier than I ever thought I could be. I’m actually looking forward to the future now. I couldn’t say that a few short months ago. My best to you all.

  292. 292
    Anonymous Says:

    It is helpful to see others are going through this and that my feelings are similar, even though it sucks that anyone has to be put through this much pain. My wife of 8 years met a guy at a friends party on New Year’s Eve where they had a kiss (I was caring for our crying 6 year old). The past two months I’ve uncovered lie after lie to find out she is going to work for him, possibly move in with him, and has left the marital home with me remaining with my 2 little kids. He has also since filed for divorce from his wife and has a son.

    I feel like I’m living in a movie with the amount of secrets, lies, and cover ups. The worst thing about it is that she’s putting it all on me for my lack of attention, selfishness, etc. and that she’s been “pouring her heart into this marriage for years”. All couples have problems but I would NEVER cheat and believe in the institution of marriage. I’m now in a likely losing battle for my kids to keep them safe, shielded, and have some sense of normalcy as she tries to move them two hours away from their home so she can find happiness in her new life.

    I do believe what goes around comes around and really don’t see how it could last; just need to try to move on with my life and start picking up the pieces. Just wish I could fast forward 12 months to remove the pain and see if they end up together, which is the hardest thing to get past right now.

  293. 293
    Anonymous Says:

    To the last comment, a year is nothing they will get thrills and form aligance with each other while both divorces go through and that could take years! Trust me been there done that. My husbands fantasy affair ended when the divorce was done, there was nothing to fight about anymore therefore there was nothing left for them to be with each other except two damaged souls looking for happiness in all the wrong places at everyone’s expense. They both! Made fools of themselves and I sat back and watched cause I knew my ex husband, how stupid and reckless and careless and selfish he was. She didn’t. She eventually did.

  294. 294
    Anonymous Says:

    292 – I have said this before and recommend this to anyone going through your situation. Go buy the book Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy. You can get it on Amazon for about $11 plus shipping. Here’s what you will see and hear when you read this: You will swear someone wrote this book about your life. It will help you make sense out of the madness that is now your life where up is down and down is up. Plan on a period of time that your wife (ex) will just abandon all motherly instincts no matter how devoted she was before. She is in a selfish and completely unrealistic mode right now that cannot be reasoned with. With my now ex it took about a year after her affair began before she realized she had lost the kids. Then she wanted them back and put a full court press on wooing them with stupid things such as ipods, bicycles, etc…What she now realizes is that she traded 1/2 of her children’s remaining childhood to screw a guy (I got 50% custody). My attorney told me that I had a few choices 1. Wait it out and see if I wanted her – this carries risks that the potentially inevitable divorce becomes very expensive emotionally and financially. 2. Divorce her asap before people had time to whisper in her ear about how much she deserved out of the marriage I chose the latter.

    The reason she is blaming you is because she can’t blame herself for just having an affair. Plan on them being together as unrealistic as it sounds. She is living off a chemical high right now and you are only an obstruction to her getting a fix. I think one of mother nature’s well designed situations is that your ex wife’s high/affair/fixation will most likely last long enough for you to crash, suffer, start recovering, become a stronger person than you knew possible, and move on. You will most likely have a shot at her in the future but won’t want her. For now–do you really want to be with someone that doesn’t want to be with you?

  295. 295
    Anonymous Says:

    To #292 (287,291 here). I totally get where you are coming from. Everyone has said all along that they don’t believe the relationship will last between my husband and the married OW. Some are even afraid my husband may have a breakdown of sorts once the house sells and the divorce is finalized. It seems he didn’t think I’d take the bull by the horns and start moving on things. It is only human nature and even though I’m caring a little less now than I was a few months ago, I would love nothing more than to find out that the relationship imploded on them. My neighbor predicts she’ll dump him once she realizes there isn’t much left after the divorce, or the excitement of sneaking around will wear off and they’ll get bored. He is still keeping her well hidden, not introducing her to the few friends he has told and anyone in his family. He has forever ruined many relationships all for this piece of trash. I do believe that what goes around comes around, and I don’t wish my husband any ill will, but do hope the relationship falls apart. I think he will stay with her for a while out of guilt but who knows for how long. My one consolation is she is not getting the same great guy that I knew and loved. He has changed so much. She can have the sneaky, lying guy he has become. On the plus side, I’ve hooked back up with an old h.s. friend of mine. And although we are just keeping it as friends now, I’d like to think it would blossom into something else eventually. But I’m taking it very slowly. I don’t need to get into a serious relationship right now anyway. He’s has some bad relationships and is a bit gun-shy himself. It’s just been nice to be treated so well the last few weeks. If he only stays my great friend, I’ll be happy with that.

  296. 296
    Anonymous Says:

    Listen ladies. Lose the losers. I’m not judging you, I’m trying to help you help yourself. I needed help and during some moments, I still do. But I’m getting stronger and I look back on my affair that I finally found the strength to commit to ending. Key word “commit”. Anyway, I get stronger every second I commit. True, some moments I find myself in terrible pain, but I ride those moments out and each time I ride a wave I get stronger than the time before. This is my advice to you. See, I understand. You want to make it work, so you don’t want to give up. But you also don’t want to allow yourself to be treated as though you don’t come first. But you think you can hang in there and you’ll eventually be together. Who cares chances are very slim he’ll leave. It’s worth the shot right? But then, really isn’t it a waste of your time? At least make up your mind how long you’re willing to wait and don’t waste another second beyond that. He’s really not worth any of this bs regardless if he will leave for you or not. Seriously, how insulting that you give so much of yourself to him and he can’t make up his bitch ass mind? Come on. Get out of the fog. Be patient for a couple weeks. Get through the pain. And leave this ass. It will get better. You will become a strong woman again. And you will feel so good to find that strength again. No one deserves this. The other woman doesn’t, the wife doesn’t. And most of all, the ass does not deserve the other woman or the wife!!! Don’t let him suck out your strength in his weakness. Even if you love him more than anything. Leave him. You will find a man you love like that, who is not an ass. Seriously. You will.

  297. 297
    Anonymous Says:

    Wahhh Wahhh Wahhhh – I’m not happy in my marriage, so when I finally find someone who I connect with is when I can do something about my unhappiness. Everyone has the right to be happy – I got married too young – we never connect anymore – it’s so exciting with a new person – he really loves me but needs to leave is wife too – I know it’s wrong and never thought I’d do it, but becareful what you say because it could happen to you…… I hate myself, but just can’t stop seeing him… on and on and on we go with the stupid excuses. Whaaaa, whaaaaa, whaaaaaaa poor me…..
    —-
    All of this makes me sick. You cheaters made a committment to someone. You thought enough about them to marry them and start families. The minute things get stale, or do not go the way you expect – someone else comes along and Wham – all the commitment and honesty is out the window?

    With over 6 billion people in the world – do you really think that there’s only a select few that you could feel this way about? Don’t be ridiculous. There are probably thousands of people who you could feel connected tooo- are you going to go screw everyone of them?

    Marriage is committment! Period. If you feel like you shouldn’t be married anymore then GET OUT BEFORE YOU START SOMETHING ELSE!!!!

    Noone has the right to hurt and destroy someone emotionally with lies and betrayal. All that does is show your true character, which is deficiant. It’s all about me syndrome, without caring about the person you have already committed yourself to. And to top it off, you get involved with married people!!! – WTF is that? Disgusting. You don’t have enough respect for yourself or your spouse. All you care about is your “feelings”… your emotional needs are being met – F everyone else in your path.

    What a sad, sad world we live in where divorce is commonplace and treated like a flu shot. Because everyone’s doing it – it makes it OK. Well, I’ve got a bridge to sell you and then, you can jump off it.

  298. 298
    Anonymous Says:

    Wow, sounds like you are ready to jump off a bridge.

  299. 299
    Anonymous Says:

    To 297–couldn’t agree more on almost all counts.

    The best thing about being in the betrayed position is that my life is now better than it ever was before. I don’t need her and anyone that would do that t me I don’t want. Her loss to go get involved with a guy that would run around on his wife and then chose to become his wife. Sleep with one eye open would be my advice to her.

    Count your blessings folks–the worse thing would be to spend your life with a cheater, liar, and betrayer and not know it.

    Ciao all an embrace and live happiness.

  300. 300
    Anonymous Says:

    I got cheated on in the worst possible way. Seriously, it was bad and what came out was bad. It took me years to recover, find myself, get a new perspective, heal kick arse in court, and finally have justic prevail. I’m glad I am posting this so I can tell you this. Your life gets better, even though it’s hurts. If he stays with her / him you have even more satisfaction in knowing that the other man/women is stuck with such a non catch. Karma always!!!!!! Prevails. Once you let the pain go and let the situation go, it then, comes around. Ten fold!!! Put your feet up and have a drink to all those that are hurt. Affairs never work. Even if the stubborn idiots get married to prove a point.

  301. 301
    Anonymous Says:

    To 300:

    Here here. I could have written that. Every point outside of the court battles I could have written. I am 2.5 years into it after a very quick divorce following discovery of unfaithfulness. I went from being what I thought was reasonably happy married to divorced within 40 days– no kidding. I am not sure whether that allowed me to recover sooner or delayed recovery but I am finding myself now. I don’t feel the need to have a woman on my arm at this point and that ends a string of women I have dated. Now I date for the right reasons and prefer my freedom and independence. I feel good! You will too

  302. 302
    Anonymous Says:

    I found this site after being in a 11 year relationship with a man 14 years older than I.He is now 65 I am 52. I was planning on moving in with him just last week but now he is out for the day with his new (I don’t know what to call her) ANyway I spent 11 years taking care of this man. Asking for nothing just a kiss on the cheek an I love you after a phone call and integrity honesty and respect. What I am going to tell you is the truth as I have no reason to lie. “STUFF” was never important although he could afford to wine and dine. Over the first 7-8 years we had lots of fun we had some ups and downs but for the most of it it was good. We did not live together because I had a daughter who was (Now 17) under age and I did not want to make the move until she was an adult. SHe was becoming more and more attached to him so I was giving in on waiting until she was 18 and make the move now. We were planning and making arrangements. He did not have much ability to show affection although we never hung up the phone without an I Love You or when we had to leave each other. I cooked his every meal, cleaned his house, picked up his laundry and did the clothes at home, and made the trip to his house a few times a week just to have dinner or watch a few TV shows. He had jobs that took much of his time but I settled for what we had because I knew that he would be retiring soon and I would get my chance to finally be with him all the time. We lived as partners and combined everything. We were both married twice and I took this to be the last relationship that I would be in for the rest of my life. I gave it my all. Was I perfect? No way but I tried and tried and I never stopped taking care of him. I have kept myself always looking nice, not overweight people say I am very pretty so that was not an issue. EVERYONE that we came in contact with loves me. They even told him if he messed up this relationship that he was a fool. These were people he knew that over time became my true friends. I will miss them. As I said he showed little affection but I knew that had a lot to do with the relationship he had with his mother. SHe was a tyrant. She never showed him any love or affection and when she did it was only when he achieved. SHe put him in an oven when he was a child because she was trying to keep him quiet. I am sure she did not turn it on. WIth that information I showed him compassion and lots of affection hoping he would understand that women are not the enemy. He tried counseling over the years I think when any of the doctors got to close to home he would quit and then say he needed to stop because it was too expensive. He was a doctor himself so you would think that he would have some sense. I am now thinking not. Many things have happened to him over the years where he has embarrassed himself really badly. He would drink to much at work meetings and say things that were inappropriate. He would really put himself in a bad position. He has lost career moves upward because of his actions. Yes he drinks and he drinks a lot. It never really bothered me much except I saw myself going to these events and having to stay really sober because I had to drive. He has a stressful job and would tell me that all the ER doctors have some type of substance issues wether it is pills or booze. I find that really hard to believe. Again I cooked cleaned and most of all supported his every need from personal to work. WHen he was stressed I would encourage him to relax. I told him often how handsome he was and how sexy I felt he was. I did feel that way but he was 65 and he had walked many roads. He is no hot guy he shows wear and tries to be cool. I did not care he was good to me. He also has a medical problem that affected him but not really me. He had peyrones disease which is extra scar tissue on his penis that made it curl. Intercourse was difficult but I never ever complained. I told him that I never wanted him to ever feel that he was any less of a man. He was perfect to me. Sex was on and off but after 11 years, his medical issue and the fact that we did not live together it took a toll. I still took care of him as often as I was there, again infrequent though. I had a very rare heart attack 2 years ago where he was by my side daily. He told me that he had never been more scared because he almost lost the most important person in his life. I loved hearing that but now I have second thoughts as to wether I should have believed it. Anyway things changed a bit but for me for the better. I became disabled and unable to work so it gave me much more time to take care of him and my kids. The not so good part was he had to help me out financially as I have been fighting social security for 8 months. He did not seem to mind in the beginning but recently I could see finances were hard. Maybe it was the $190,000 he spent on timeshares that he swear we needed. I tried to talk him out of it everytime but it was hard because it was not my money. He said he wanted me to tell him when I disagreed and I did but in the end the decision was his. I got blamed for his unhappiness. He said the same things about his 2 x wives. ALthough I want you to know I am the polar opposite of both of these women and ALL the women he has ever dated in the past. I am kind, understanding happy to listen. DO I need to be heard and need a hug yes I do. They were few and far between. Anyway I think you get the picture my issue stems from his need to run to someone else especially since last week he was telling me he loved me and could not wait till we were living together. I am sure there is a small part of this that he was underneath freaking out about the move but he encouraged it and had been pushing it for years. All this time I was running to his house to put the garbage out. drop off food for dinner, breakfast lunch. I made EVERY bite of food he put in his mouth for 11 years. I took over everything so he would be able to concentrate on his career. Well now I feel the fool. I am home today after packing up all my things and his house and changing all the accounts so my personal finances would be not taken care of by me. It was only the cable, phone and water so for me about $500.00 per month. I am trying to clear all the us and change it to me. He was supposed to meet me today to sign off my car but he is out with another. I guess he just could not close one door before he opened another. I am sad and confused mostly because I spent all this time caring for him with a payoff to come soon. Again his choice not mine. It never happened and now in a week I have been replaced. Thanks for listening I needed to get this out.

  303. 303
    Anonymous Says:

    Wow! It seems as though people are truly frightened to take risks in life…. Affairs are necessary evils in many instances. BUT, people fail to keep things in perspective.

  304. 304
    Anonymous Says:

    303– why are and in what situations would an affair be a necessary evil? I am perplexed as to how something that in so many cases ends up hurting so many innocent people including spouses and children and benefits so few (the philanderers) could be categorized as anything but gutless and selfish acts that show a the cheating person’s true character or lack thereof.

    I hope you will check back and expand on your comments in case there are facets that I am failing to account for in your logic behind your statement.

  305. 305
    Anonymous Says:

    Thank you I appreciate your comment. I am still scratching my head and we have so much together cars, money etc etc so I am willing to deal with it but I cannot get him to take care of things. I keep trying but I get no response.

  306. 306
    Anonymous Says:

    304 thanks. I agree. In my case I fell for a man with a HUGE ego. THe problem is that when I met him he was broken had no friends his kids did not like being around him no one he worked with wanted anything to do with him. I came along and everyone saw him differently. He was kind, happy motivated etc. Was everything over the last 10 years perfect? no not at all. I got sick he worked like a crazy man in his career. ANyway he was not afraid. I think he just got a “thrill” when another woman ever paid any attention to him. There is no reason for saying an affair is a necessary evil. He has now hurt not only me but himself and his family and my family also. It is a gutless act. I found that these types (I am studying psychology) that they are sociopathic. THey have no conscience. THey have no guilt. They can justify their actions with some of the dumbest excuses.( I did something years ago that he brings up again to make a point.) These people will always be alone in their hearts. They will never find true love and or respect. They continue to blame others for the reasons that they are so unhappy. I went to him to talk about things often and now I realize his eyes were in the conversation but his ears were in another. Everyone saw it I just closed my eyes to his ways. I was going to have this payoff beginning next month and now I am unpacking. I am good just nice to have someone to talk to.

  307. 307
    Anonymous Says:

    Whether your in an affair or not…DO NOT SPOIL A MAN!!! It’s all downhill from there.

  308. 308
    Anonymous Says:

    #306…Sounds just like my husband. Only…I am not staying. Did you experience extreme cruelty towards you and your family? I agree that they are sociopathic. My husband fits the profile to a “T”!

  309. 309
    Anonymous Says:

    308 – No he was never cruel there was just nothing. We had gone to therapy about 4-5 yrs ago and talked about how we needed to make sure we told each other what was needed so we would know. I always told him I wanted his attention (no PDF just a kiss/hug) I also told him we needed to get out more. Do things. Anyway… I think a lot of his problem is he is coming to the end of his career and when it is over its over. He has another part time job that keeps his busy one to two days a week but we thought that would be perfect for retirement. I just remember all the times I had to save him from ruining his reputation (over drinking) and have to come up with excuses for him. I don’t know why I did that. His family is not talking to him because as his sister put it.. He has had a problem being a liar for many many years. I have not crossed family lines and spoken badly about him I won’t do that. You know what my biggest issue is? I hate the idea that he and the other woman are talking about me. She was our friend and she befriended me a lot. I have not seen her in about 6 months but they had the opportunity to see each other while at work. She is older than I long stringy greasy hair overweight BUT she is a high powered attorney. Maybe he thinks she will help him move up the ladder. I don’t know. It;s ok I know what kind of person I am and I did nothing wrong. I had a major very rare heart attack last year and he told me he almost lost the most important person in his life. FYI I am 5’7″ 118 lbs. I eat right, used to exercise a lot don’t do too much now I have no history of heart disease me or my family. Everyone tells me how young I look im 51 look about 38-40 ????? SO what he is thinking I don’t know. He is sociopathic though he has no conscience. He does not care who he hurts and when he does he has no feelings about it. He can talk himself into believing everyone else is responsible for all the wrong in his life he has not once stepped up and said I am sorry and I am responsible. Major EGO…… Oh well he will be alone in every way. I just hope the next woman are not as dumb as I was but if they are I would like to meet them. It would just be nice to shake hands with someone who is dumber than me. I believed in him every word. I will be OK but it is hard because I am not the type to call everyone and tell them how I was wronged and I don’t want my kids to know but they have some idea they have seen me home too much. Thanks for talking to me I would love more advice on how to get over this.

  310. 310
    Anonymous Says:

    Liz, I was clean and sober and was a faithful, honest, good husband and father at the start of our marriage and for many years after. I worked on myself and grew and changed, while you remained the same superficial, hurt, emotionally shut-down, unable to deal with conflict, resentful, abandoned and broken little girl, trying to control everyone and everything because you were too afraid to look honestly at yourself and take responsibility for YOURSELF AND YOUR PART IN THE SUCCESS OR FAILURE OF OUR MARRIAGE . TO THE OUTSIDE WORLD YOU PROJECT THAT YOU ARE HAPPY, HAVE LOTS OF FRIENDS AND ARE SELF-CONFIDENT BUT INSIDE YOU KNOW THAT IT’S FAKE AND IS JUST A COVER UP FOR FEAR OF EXPOSING YOUR REAL SELF AND YOUR INSECURITIES. I worked hard at being honest and admitted to myself, family, friends and support groups that I had plenty of issues; lack of self-confidence, low self-esteem, alcoholism, codependency, anxiety, etc. but I was willing to admit my faults and work on changing and growing spiritually and emotionally so our marriage would work and bring us and our family happiness, unlike you. I loved you; I shared my thoughts and feelings with you, and give you my respect and trust. You were never willing or capable of opening up and sharing your thoughts or feelings, because of your severe abandonment, trust and intimacy issues which are directly related to your controlling behavior, narcissistic tendencies and financial irresponsibility.
    Control freaks and narcissistic women:
    •Have difficulty trusting others.
    •Have a profound fear of having their flaws exposed.
    •Cannot tolerate feeling vulnerable (and, therefore, can’t handle intimacy).
    •Are riddled with anxiety, fear, insecurity and anger.
    “Facing her fears and working through her issues would mean admitting she actually has issues, which would mean holding herself accountable and not blaming others. It makes much more sense (to her and remember, she’s the only one who matters) to deny and ignore her problems and push and poke at you because you’re the one with the problem, not her.”
    Yes, eventually I started drinking again, because of my disappointment and frustration with our relationship and marriage, foolishly thinking that once we were married and committed to each other you would feel safe and secure enough to let your guard down and be capable of sharing your real self with me. I guess you would have to know your real self in order to share it with me, instead of putting on an act, trying to appear to be the perfect mother, wife, worker and friend which was so exhausting that you couldn’t sustain it after so many years. I’m sure it’s easier to blame me for breaking your heart and your falling out of love with me, because of me doing the things I did, once I started drinking again, rather than taking responsibility for YOUR PART IN OUR MARRIAGE/RELATIONSHIP issues and trying to fix them and help keep your marriage and family together. Deep down inside you know you sabotaged our marriage, wanting to take the easy way out, because your needs are like a bottomless pit that can never be filled by anybody no matter how much love, money, sex or material possessions you manipulate out of them. I guess once you sucked the life out of me, it was time to move on to your next victim.
    Yes, I have been unemployed for over two years now and you resent it, although you never contributed or saved a dime to help pay our bills or expenses during the years I was working and you forget about the fact that you didn’t work for five years when the boys were young. Yes, I still have anger issues about your deceit and dishonesty, putting us in credit card debt for $80,000 , and forcing us to take out a 2nd mortgage for another $60,000.
    I am sure things will be different with you and Bill Wo@@s@y, your new boyfriend, I am sure once he sees the real Liz behind your façade/act, which may take a while, because you are very adept at projecting the phony, loving, caring, smiling and fun, Liz, he will bail on you, unless his issues are as bad or worse than yours or he just stays around for the sex. Based on the fact that your relationship with him was and is based on lies and deceit, “to protect me” and your public image I’m sure everything will work out fine in the long run, NOT. Really it’s to protect your imagined public image, hoping that you are perceived as a good, honest and caring person hoping everyone in town will believe that you’re not capable of being such a cheating, selfish, narcissistic liar, who’s irresponsible deceit, choices and behavior will continue to hurt and haunt YOU AND your own family (your sons and husband) FOR YEARS TO COME, and turning your back on your friends who “judge” you. Oh that’s right you now realize they are not true friends because they are telling you the truth, which you don’t want to hear, that being involved with someone else while you’re married is wrong and that it hurts your kids, which you just don’t seem to get because you are so self-absorbed in your own little world of your affair. Yeah right, you were and are one of the most judgmental people in town. You have abandoned your own father, mother and brothers and sisters (13+/-), having very little contact with them because they are so “messed up”. You have turned your back on my father, mother and brothers who loved you, supported and respected you. I doubt they have much respect for you now. Who’s next, your own sons? You take great care of their physical needs, but when it comes to your own free time you have chosen to abandon them too. Your excuse is your always so “busy”, but in reality it’s just the way you keep running from the truth, never staying still long enough for it to catch up with you.
    Hey, but to quote you “life is too short to waste being unhappy”. Waste on what? The people that love you and care about you? To waste your efforts on your SAVING YOUR marriage and family commitments and have the courage to work on them until they bring you happiness and real love? You can run but you can’t hide. You are no different than the people you judge as being less than yourself, weak, or stupid. You can only fool yourself for so long, thinking you can walk away from your past and start over fresh and find true happiness. When have you ever really been happy? If you think once were divorced and you have your own place to live and you can bring your relationship with Bill Wo@@s@y out in the open that you will be happy, your fooling yourself. The ONLY times you were ever happy were based on superficial circumstances not on any actual personal growth or responsibility on your part. The failed relationships and negative patterns in your life will keep repeating until you realize that it’s your beliefs, attitudes and actions that are the problem that needs fixing, and not other people, but for now anyway, enjoy your fantasy, until one day the reality and regret of the hurt, pain and damage of what you did to the people that loved you and cared most about you, becomes something that you will find hard to live with.

    “How Do Affairs Affect Children?”
    “I have talked about the trancelike state of consciousness that one inhabits during an affair. In this altered state links between actions and consequences dissolve; in the euphoric bubble you inhabit you believe you can pursue an illicit relationship and no one will be hurt because you believe that you can control everything and so prevent this from happening. However, this is a grandiose assumption that more and more requires you to lie to, manipulate and avoid intimate contact with your family, sometimes with irrevocable results. “
    “Preadolescent and adolescent children: The older a child is, the more apt he or she is to get drawn into the conflict surrounding the affair by one or both parents. They may be asked to keep secrets and/or expected to chose sides. Asking a child, overtly or covertly, to take a side is like asking a child to lose that parent. This always has severe consequences. Keeping secrets from one or both parents can create a terrible guilt and sense of self as destructive.
    Adolescents continue to develop their capacity for abstract thinking. They are highly aware that they are preparing to enter the adult world and therefore questions of values become paramount. They are extremely sensitive to hypocrisy; when a parent’s actions are exposed as opposed to his or her stated values that parent falls off a pedestal. And when a parent falls off of the pedestal it changes the child’s whole conception of who their family is and thus, their sense of who they are. Identity and moral development are impacted negatively. Frequently, up until this happened, there was an unconscious assumption that one behaves with integrity as a matter of course. Suddenly, the very people who have ingrained this in you have demonstrated this is not the case.”

  311. 311
    Anonymous Says:

    to 310. Wow this could be me. I can sympathize with you in every way. My situation is only different because my children are grown and out of the house. I had a partner who could be your wife’s twin brother. The sociopathic narcissistic arrogance fits my ex to the tee. He blames everyone for his unhappiness and then bails on them, wife, family or friends if they say too much to him. He will never be able to find true love because he only loves himself. The woman mine ended up with befriended me and I guess I was being bated for quite a while. It has been really tough but I am getting through it. If I can offer some advice focus your attention on your boys. The biggest role model in a childs life is the same sex parent so they need you. Don’t let them grow up and fall in love with the mother role model they had. A selfish, transparent, egotistical sociopath with no conscience. I watched for years how this man functioned and say how people reacted to him and I just kind of looked away. I finally got it when his family found out about what he did and it just spilled out all over. They are furious at how he threw away a wonderful life without batting an eye. Again he continues to hurt those he says he loves and then blames them for their faults. I communicated with him about my needs very little cause I only needed very little. I got crucified when the credit card bill got to 5 figures and he blamed me for a few thousand of purchases for our home but his spending 190,000 on timeshares we could not even use never crossed his mind. It was all my fault. Anyway we are both better off. Now is the time where our hearts are challenged. It is hard but we will be OK. I too wonder if at my age 51 I will ever find that one person who will look at me and say how lucky they are. People told him how lucky he was to have me but he could have cared less. Try not to waste your time on thinking about what could have been or what you could have done. It is not about you. We are not perfect in anyway but we are able to face our faults and try to come to terms with them and make them better. Your wife and my husband will always be lonely. They may have someone superficial to fill a space but they will never be truly happy. You have a chance now to find a relationship that you and your children can thrive in. The way to get back at her is to go on and be happy. Hang out with friends do what ever you can to surround yourself with good honest people. Those are the one’s who will be there when you need them. YOu only fill her ego if you sit around and mope about her. Let her see you and your sons thriving. That will kill her. My best to you and hope that you will heal. I am taking it day by day. I have separated myself from him in every way and it only took me two weeks. The only thing I have left to deal with is my car. It is in his name and he won’t sign off on it. I don’t know if this is his last attempt to keep a connection not sure. He would have no reason to take the car or not sign it over. I have asked him three times and he won’t respond so I am moving on and not worrying about the longer he holds on the longer he has to make the payments and pay for insurance. Wake up everyday with a smile that you are here for yourself and your children. Smile and think about how blessed you are to have them and you all have a wonderful future awaiting you. TIme does heal. Lots of love to you my friend.

  312. 312
    Anonymous Says:

    Thank you #311, I appreciate you sharing your expericence and advice. I helps to know that my situation is not unique. I especially like your comment regarding ‘YOu only fill her ego if you sit around and mope about her” which i have done for way too long. I am slowly moving towards acceptance but as you know it takes time and is not a linear process.

  313. 313
    Anonymous Says:

    to 310 – SO true. I have been working diligently to separate myself from my ex and he is still holding back on things and I need it to ALL be done. Try getting angry it helps a lot. Exercise, play with your kids, don’t be afraid to accept an invitation to get out. For 12 years I did not accept invitations to friends gatherings because he was not going to be able to go or I would need to be there when he got home from work to make sure he had his dinner the house cleaned clothes done everything. I wont do that again. I love taking care of my partner but I was blind to how he was never taking care of me. Yep get mad it works really good. Take care and writing things helps too.

  314. 314
    Anonymous Says:

    To #310, If you want a name for your wayward wife’s personality, Google “Romantic Sociopath”. Best to you friend. Alfredo

  315. 315
    Anonymous Says:

    after being married almost 4 years, I found another guy and have fallen pretty hard for him. I read this article and my marriage is the one where i feel like it was wrong from the beginning and we just stayed together for convenience. This new person is good looking, funny, makes me feel better about myself and makes me want to be a better person. Throughout my relationship with my husband, which has lasted 9 years, I feel like there has been more bad than good. He was the only person I had ever been with until this new guy came along, and I just feel like I haven’t lived. I met this new guy at work and ever since I have had this job I feel like I know myself better than ever. I have made several new friends and I just feel a better sense of who I am when I am around them. I feel like the only reason I haven’t left my husband is because of how comfortable I am with him and because I love his family so much and I don’t want to lose them. We also have a son together and I am trying to decide what’s best for him. I think he needs a mom and dad who are happy, even if they aren’t together. I feel like a relationship like we have now could do more damage than if we split up. This has been the hardest thing I have ever been through and I can’t seem to figure out what to do. I feel like I’m falling in love with this new guy and I want to be with him. I constantly think about him even when I’m with my husband. I know it’s wrong but I can’t shake the feelings. If anyone has professional advice please help me. I don’t care to hear remarks from people who think I’m a “horrible person”, I know what I did was wrong, but you have no idea what I’ve been through…just sayin.

  316. 316
    Anonymous Says:

    To 315: The 314 posts before yours have already given you a glimpse of your future if you decide to choose what you have already admitted is wrong.

    I have read two books that have shed some light in trying to understand my unfaithful wife’s actions.
    One is “Confessions of an Adulterous Christian Woman” by Lyndell Hetrick Holtz, and the other is “Women’s Infidelity II” by Michelle Langley. These two books are very informative, and more than likely, you will find yourself in their pages.

    Commenting on your statement “I constantly think about him even when I’m with my husband.”, let me quote from Women’s Infidelity II: “Interestingly, people often believe that their inability to stop thinking about their affair partner is an indication that they are supposed to be with their affair partners. However, when I quit smoking the first time, all I thought about were cigarettes, yet I don’t think anyone would see that as an indication that my cigarettes and I were meant to be together.”

    Here is a quick word association game. Place these words in two groups: Right, Wrong, Success, Failure, Good, Bad, Faithful, Unfaithful. Whether you “think” before you answer or “feel” before you answer, you will probably come up with the same correct answer. My point is, you know what you should do, yet you are looking for someone to encourage you, to validate your “feelings” and choose what you, I, and everyone else knows is WRONG.

    Feelings betray, logic/truth does not.

    Choose your course wisely as crossing that line WILL forever make you one of two things–an adulteress, or a former-adulteress. There is no do-over on this edge you are so carelessly dangling your feet over.

    The pain of betrayal is indescribable AND FOREVER. For the rest of my life, I live knowing my wife is in the arms and bed of her lover. Do you really want to knowingly, consciously, premeditatively inflict this PAIN on your husband AND son,just because YOU want to be “happy”? Your husband is in the same marriage too–is he escaping to another, or is he holding true to his vows?

    Sincerely, ACA

  317. 317
    Anonymous Says:

    @315: As someone who has been the victim of an affair, maybe I can offer a unique view. First, beware of re-writing history It is quite possible you had similar feelings for your husband back in the beginning. Consider whether you were unhappily married, or just unhappy and married. Also, consider the danger of comparison. In a case like this, we tend to compare the worst of what you have (your husband), with the best of what you don’t have (your friend), who, if you were honest with yourself, you really don’t know all that well. Please also consider counseling, preferably for both of you. If not, at least poke around the internet, or Amazon, for names like John Gottman, Michele Weiner Davis, Bill Doherty, Pat Love (yes, her real name), Steve Stossny and many others.

    Finally, take things slowly. You may indeed be in fundamentally flawed relationship, or maybe it just needs a few tweeks. Sometimes a car needs a major overhaul, or it may just need a tune up, but the symptoms may be the same. You might jump from the frying pan into the fire, only to find the frying pan wasn’t that bad

  318. 318
    Anonymous Says:

    I’ve been the victim of an affair and subsequent divorce. This–I know–my ex got a nice business yielding 100k a year and 700k or so in the settlement. 2.5 years later she has:

    1. Been married to her affair partner for 1.5 years
    2. Bought a 600k house that took a substantial bite from her savings (she bought the house with new boyfriend 6 mos before they were married.
    3. Told the kids that she was planning to put in a pool, take them to Figi, get married in HI, buy a lake house with watercraft, open a martial arts school and the list goes on. The point is she is not happy and always looking for that next big wonderful thing that will make her happy.

    If she goes through some of the latest zany ideas then she should be broke within 5 years of her divorce and she’ll be a 48 year old lady with 2 divorces.

    Money is on that the second divorce will happen within 5 years of the marriage but who knows.

    Moral of the story is fix yourself first and then if you still want a divorce get one because it seems like an affair and a new partner is the easy way out–its not.

    Good luck

  319. 319
    Anonymous Says:

    affairs are hard true me ive had affair for the last 8 years got a 6 year old off him. the wife as just found out. My daughter is in so much pain right now its unreal bad choices i have made a yeah i do love him to the world and back i cant stop crying knowing my daughter is going go tho hell over it. His answer to it its all material. do you really no how hard that is after giving me heart to him for 8 years. yeah i was wrong but wot i feel rite now is heart ache and its being smashed in million little pieces. everyone in his family wants to meet my daughter and i have got stand there and watch this it happen. affairs are so wrong i hate myself for it and anyone thinking off have one think twice it all ends in heartache and tears

  320. 320
    Anonymous Says:

    319, I’m so terribly sorry for you. You are an incredibly strong woman to have gone through all that you have. I’m so sorry you landed there. I wish I could hug you. Please don’t hate yourself. Please forgive. And your daughter, you must love her so much. I can hear it in your words. She must know that too. You have spent a lot of years struggling with this. But it’s never too long to get out. And I know you’ve tried and tried again and again. But that does not mean you cannot. You are a strong woman. Don’t forget that. Every moment, look at all you have carried. If you can, transfer the strength of the weight you carry. I hope you find your way out of this painful hole. You deserve so much more. It’s never too late.

  321. 321
    Anonymous Says:

    How can having a loving relationship with someone be so wrong? But when that person has pledged to someone else it seems to be the worst thing ever if you find yourself in a relationship with them. The intensity of loving someone else who is not your spouse but anothers is a pain filled journey. But to be loved and to give it back how can that be wrong. There are many reasons why someone looks or falls into a relationship when they are already married. Its not bad but its not good either and sometimes it jsut happens.

  322. 322
    Anonymous Says:

    321– well actually here is where I think you really are off. It IS wrong you see–because you are involved with a married person. There’s 6-7 billion people on the planet and you can’t find someone that’s single? I don’t know whether you have kids or not but let’s assume you do. If I told you I was going to kill your kids would you break off the relationship? Of course you would. This just proves it IS a choice. Show integrity and courage and character and allow this person to work on their marriage or allow it to fail. If this is a true love soul mate deal then it won’t die while this guy/girl does the right thing will it?

  323. 323
    Anonymous Says:

    What to say…to those of you who justify or validate your relationships with married people, irrespective of the unique (aren’t they all) circumstances – have you ever asked yourself what it would be like to be in the betrayed spouse’s corner. Try it, sincerely…step back and think about how much you love this person and how you would feel if you were abandoned/betrayed or emotionally abused. Does your validation still hold water…I pity you if it does.

    To the unfaithful spouse…you were loved and adored. You were respected and in many cases (like mine) you were inspirational. That your loyal spouse did not love you on your terms is the reason most of you felt this path was justified! If any of you are humble enough to create awareness about the impact of infidelity and the patterns, well you would likely see that your ‘unique soulmate connection’ is very textbook. Like my stbxh most of you left because you felt this would be the easier route…let’s face it, you had more energy invested in your affair partner than your spouse so keeping that momentum going and all the denial that goes with it…is easier than the rebuilding of your marriage. That would take courage, strength of character and compassion. Virtues it would appear, that unfaithful partners pretend to have but in reality have no concept of.

    Ultimately we the left behind spouses, we walk away heartbroken and confused, but as people we have our integrity and our dignity. Our pain happens immediately and is intense but we soon realise we deserved better and move on.

    You on the other hand, your pain is drawn out and I understand from speaking with unfaithful spouses…is like death by a thousand cuts. It unravels slowly to start with but eventually your soulmate relationship…the one you built on sand not rock. It sinks with long lasting repercussions.

    I respected my husband and he by example made me want to be a better person. This was the man I believed I had married. Every relationship has flaws, because we humans are flawed and we all have weak spots. You have a responsibility to set boundaries and communicate, marriage requires effort it is not a flatline existance! By all means if you believe you have truly made every effort to communicate your unhappiness and there are no changes then leave.

    If you cannot behave with courage and simple human compassion and you betray the one who loves you most…then you will crash and burn irrespective of the lawn you move to.

    My husbands children from his second marriage prefer to spend time with me than him. Throughout this ordeal I have tended to my skids emotional well being because their craven, passive aggressive self centred father pretends everything is fine.

    It isn’t and he will learn this later on. The impacts of adultery take time to ripple through the various lives tainted by it. It is delusional to think that you can treat people with such cruelty and think there will not be a negative impact on your lives.

    The betrayed spouse and family, we are getting on brilliantly and going from strength to strength. I have seldom seen the same happen to the betrayer and their affair partner.

    Ultimately your denial and delusion will catch up with you, it’s simple cause and effect. I doubt you will find your affair was worth the costs.

  324. 324
    Anonymous Says:

    @323. As a husband in your position, I agree with everything you have to say. However, the folks you are trying to convince aren’t open to reason.

  325. 325
    Anonymous Says:

    @324 I know and in truth I expect no quarter from those having the affair. I however grow weary of the frequent ‘justifications’.

    I get it, you aren’t happy. The choices then, are to leave, work on it and I do mean go for it, or stay unhappy but loyal. These are choices everyone is able to make…yet I keep seeing individuals who say they had no control, or it just happened.

    As adults we know that we cannot have everything we want. We know (or at least should) that an act of betrayal is wrong. So why not make the healthy, respectful (for both you and the spouse you are betraying) choice,really…it’s a difficult decision to be sure, but all 3 of the options listed above have got to be better than committing adultery!

    My view may be overly simplistic. I appreciate the dynamics of adultery are complex. Your choice to deceive, lie and betray says volumes about your character to those on the outside. I also doubt that deep down you feel good about yourselves. Why would anyone consciously choose to be deceitful.

    If you are so unhappy, be responsible and get yourself happy. I doubt one person who had an affair will admit the fallout was pleasant. Meet, surely as an intelligent person you have to have given your actions some consideration??? Or does a person who has an affair have so little common sense as not to think things through to a logical conclusion.

    My stbxh is now living with his 25 year old girlfriend, supporting her and paying her university fee’s. He looses a professional wife who earned more than he did and always paid her way. I now own my own 4 bed house and he walks away significantly out of pocket after the settlement. Not because I took him to the cleaners but because I legitimately put in the majority of the capital and there was proof of this.

    I can only assume his soulmate is worth it…and yet, my instinct tells me that 6 months from now, things will be different. I have no idea how long it takes for common sense to prevail…or if it ever does with people who choose this path.

    All I can tell you is for us stay behinds…we got a lucky escape. At the time it sure as hell didn’it feel like it but in hindsight…the Ow is welcome to him.

    So 324, another vent from me…but you are no doubt correct, they have no reason…if they did, you and I would not be posting on this board.

  326. 326
    Anonymous Says:

    I hope they can last. I hope it does last, for me anyway. There are so many “what if’s” and insecurities that arise when an affair becomes the real thing. I know because I am living it day by day. The doubts that will come into both of your minds. The internet history you can’t help but look at because of the what if’s and the insecurities. Who is Jennifer anyway… why does her fb profile appear multiple times in your history over multiple days? And if I ask you who she is am I looking like a stalker or a woman who is being protective of her heart? Will you look at another woman while I am in your life and will you lust after her? Would your actions speak louder than words when it really counts?
    I hope your past is behind you now, and your eyes are set on your future and all you can see is me. God help us baby, and I hope he really does… because I am looking forward to a long, happy, and truthfully committed relationship. I will never step out on him. I am not that person anymore. Bad things happened to this girl. Bad things changed me over the course of my life. Bad things distorted my view on the world and myself. But I think this is my second chance right now. I’m finally graduating from college in my 30’s, I’m again smiling and laughing, I see promise and happiness in my future, and I see your beautiful blue eyes baby and I see those dimples I love so much.

  327. 327
    Anonymous Says:

    I am confronting my husband about his adulterous behaviour on Monday. Origianally he admitted to an emotional affair and now that I have drawn up our legal separation and property division, I am confronting him so that he can admit, legally (affidavit) that he has been adulterous. I have numerous witnesses and tangible proof. I want this so I can be divorced from the dirt bag in about a month’s time. My best hope is that he will agree so that I can cut this emotional ball and chain off of me.
    I have so much hope for myself and will not be stuck in a marriage that is one-side and incredibly unloving. I am only 29 and after over a decade with this man, I am sooo ready to end the drama and move on.

  328. 328
    Anonymous Says:

    I met a married man at my work with whom I developed an intense relationship.I had always been against dating a married man however this IS different. He was in a very unhappy and loveless mariage in which he was staying for he sake of his daughter and until his wife finished school so she could support herself. Our relationship started as friends but quickly became both physical and emotional. There were many times I questioned what I was doing. In the beginning we never really discussed his wife ,but it was quite obvious things were getting very intense between us.We continued to grow closer and share our lives. In Feb I found out I was pregnant(unplanned), it changed everything, he told his wife that he hasn’t loved her for years and it was over.I NEVER asked him to leave her, in my mind I had set a time frame up for things to change.I had a miscarriage soon after and he was very clear that it didn’t matter we were still going to be together and he wanted to try for another baby.I know it was meant to be because at 40 yrs old I got pregnant again immediately. He also told his whole family about me and our baby. know there marriage was over before I came along, he was staying in it for the wrong reasons. He had never had an affair prior to me.He has met my family, his entire family knows about me and the baby, and so does she. I am not a homewrecker, I just happened to meet the man I was meant to be with under unique circumstances. I trust him fully. I also know that my situation is not typical of how things usually turnout.I have been married twice when I was younger and have a grown daughter who is in college. This is by far the healthiest and happiest relationship I have had.I look forward to our years ahead together raising our new baby who is due in the beginning of December.True love trancends through all obstacles.

  329. 329
    Anonymous Says:

    Yeah, getting impregnated by a married man… twice… must be a very unique circumstance! I have never before heard a married man complain of being in a loveless marriage to his mistress! So therefore he must be the man you were meant to be with! Third times a charm right? I am sure this time will be different & he will never lie to you. Like you said.

  330. 330
    Anonymous Says:

    I was married for 7 years and got involved with a married woman. She left her husband and I left my wife. She has two children with disabilities, and I have two normal children. We moved into a house together and she got pregnant and had a baby for me. The baby turned out healthy with no medical problems. We recently broke up because it never seemed to be right. I don’t think she is a bad person, but she is very passive. I don’t think I could ever have trusted her considering the situation. The funny thing about the situation is that she doesn’t seem like it was a big deal that the relationship is over.

  331. 331
    Anonymous Says:

    I was married for 20 years, and although I loved him, I never trusted him. I stayed because it felt like the right thing to do. I was miserable half the time. He cheated once that I found out (probably more), and he was remorseful. This time, he “fell in love”. But he dragged me down with him, keeping me hanging on and playing me, as he “was confused”. The 3 kids we have just never connected with him, I always felt in the middle, they never truly looked to him as a father figure. Of course, now that we are divorced and he is truly with the other woman, they hate him. I am blamed for everything under the sun, from start to finish, it’s all my fault. He kept me hanging onto hope that they were just supportive (although inappropriate) friends. As soon as the divorce was over, they rushed to each other’s arms and now they are a public couple. He’s mean, calls me names, shows no remorse or respect. But then does a 180 and say’s “hey can’t we be friends?” No, we can’t. I am in the stage where I am obsessed with thinking about them being happy and why are they? Together they tell everyone how awful I am, and even though I didn’t anticipate it, they have turned his mother against me. The only one who speaks to me is my brother in law and his wife. I feel as though I need to distance myself from them a bit in order to sustain that relationship though, it could become sour at any time. I feel unlovable, rejected, hurt beyond belief. I thought that we would be together forever. But there’s been so much damage, it can never be undone. My 11 year old is now questioning whether his dad loves him and told me last night he wishes he could put his dad in a jail cell for all he’s done. He lied to the kids repeatedly. Then, as a last insult to them, gave me full custody. They don’t want to see him, and yes, you guessed it, he blames me for that as well. I feel hatred for him, but miss our chance for a life together. It’s all gone, I fear never being with anyone again. I wish bad things on their relationship, I wonder if I should do that at all? She’s a very “nice” and mousy girl from what I saw the one time I met her, he believes she’s better than me I guess. Maybe they are soulmates, maybe they are doomed. I want to not care anymore.

  332. 332
    Anonymous Says:

    #328..keep trying to justify it….you sound like you are trying to convince yourself what you did wasn’t wrong. It was. On so many levels.

  333. 333
    Anonymous Says:

    Look all you Girls and guys, here it is! If you are in an affair with the same partner and feel it is true love and you are sole mates! Then the answer is simple get out of your marriage and stop playing games with both your current partner and the new one!You wouldn’t be having an affair if the marriage was going to last anyway! So what happens is the other guy/girl who is waiting for you begins to start getting sick of all the crap and starts losing the love for you too!Every day that passes he/she will start to think that you leaving will never happen so In order to protect their own heart they start moving away too! So I don’t care who else may be hurt by the divorce actions! A marriage must be the strongest love of all!! They don’t have to live your life or go to bed with a person they no longer love as a marriage partner !! By waiting to long will hurt both your true love and the current husband/wife!I want my children to be happy with all of life and if the person they married doesn’t work out I would hope they would admit it and move on! Life is to short!By waiting to get divorced you may also lose the love of your life! Is it worth it to keep having an affair and feeling bad about it? Stop all the drama and move on!! You may miss out by making the one you really love feel rejected and not loved enough for you to leave! I believe in marriage but when it’s over it’s over!To be honest I think to keep staying with a person you don’t love with all your heart is the biggest sin even more so than the affair! Your taking someone else’s life when they too could be finding true love too! So my advice is that if you truly love the new person and to some degree the old one then get on with it before you are all alone! The guy or girl who keeps telling every one they are wrong and to stay and be miserable and make your current partner miserable as well is a moron! If their was a way to fix the marriage it would have happened well before any affair! I’m sure most try very hard to save their marriage and fix things if they could have! Here’s to true love ! Good luck !!

  334. 334
    Anonymous Says:

    I have been married for 10 years, I have not been attracted to my husband at all in that past 3yrs. When i married my husband (12yrs older than me) I knew then that i wasnt in love with him, but I wanted to do what was right by God, and an older lady at the church told me that i could grow to be in love with him, and I did think that was possible. I love my husband, and care about him, but I am not in love with him.I was looking for security, a life without all the drama and cheating, and he was that. He has depended on my so much that he has driven me from him, I tell everything to do, he doesnt make any decision on his on, he doesnt suggest anyting, he doesnt help around the house unless i tell him to, he’s in love with TV the reason he doesnt come to bed until last, he never touches me he tells me he loves me everyday,but anyway he’s in love with me, i don’t love him like that an really want out of the marriage, however i have four young grandkids that love him so much and he loves them. I am having and affair with a man that gives me everything I want in a man, he is married and i give him all he wants. I want to be with the man and enjoy life go places do things with out hiding. I wish My husband would communicate with me and understand what i am feelimg. I would even still live with him to satify his loneliness if that’s what he needs, but i dont want to hurt him. I even told him that he deserves more, someone that will show him love and affection, but he said he doesnt want anyone else he wants us to try our marriage. What do I do?

  335. 335
    Anonymous Says:

    what did she do that was wrong? I don’t see anything wrong, seem like to me she was done wrong??

  336. 336
    Anonymous Says:

    My husband and I split up a year ago because he was having an affair.. I did everything I knew to try to save my marriage. When we first split he wanted us to work things out and said he did not want to be the father to leave his child for another woman that was not him.. Then a couple months later he left us for her. They have been living together for about 9 months now. He brings her around his family yet does not bring her around our mutual friends. He tells my family he still lOves me but it just will never work. We did not have many martial problems the only and biggest was he worked out of town and was only home on the weekends.. It’s been a year and I still love him and find myself missing him. He seems happy and they seem to be doing well.. How do I get Over this.. My 3 year old still from time to time asks can we move to daddy’s.. He still calls me and talks about there financial problems and talks to me about his job problems.. I need advice..

  337. 337
    Anonymous Says:

    Some years ago I read a line in a book called “Spiritual Fitness” that has stayed with me very lucidly ” Everything we do in this life is an attempt to heal ourselves”. We may not always go about this the right way or do good things like smoking, over-eating or even breaking our marriage vows. But we are trying, in our flawed but human ways to heal a hurt, fill a void etc. Having an affair is no exception in our attempts to heal something.
    Many people here rightly say that most people who have an affair wake up one morning deciding to have an affair or to hurt their spouse and this is true. I certainly never did.
    Married to a good, honourable man for 23 years with whom I share 3 beautiful kids I find myself for the past 8 months in a full blown love affair with another good man who is at every level my spirit mate. He too is married to a good honorable woman for 28 year. So what’s happened.
    For me this. I went into my marriage in total good faith. You don’t stay faithful for 23 years otherwise. What happened in these 23 years? I discovered after marriage that my wonderful husband is a binge drinker who wants me to be a binge drinker. Sex and alcohol go together with him. He wanted a drinking partner. I tried to go along with this but having middle eastern genes and an allergic reaction to alcohol (vomitting after 2 glasses of wine) meant I absolutely couldn’t keep up with him. My husband cannot seem to accept that I’m not a drinker and sulks when I don’t join him in a binge. He still can’t get this after 23 years.
    He has control issues right down to family movie night. We all have to watch the movies he likes.
    Finally, our youngest child is autistic and this went off like a bomb in our lives.the challenges this child put into our lives is beyond description.
    Despite all this my husband is a great dad, a financially generous husband and has more good qualities than most. He can be extremely fun to be with and treats our family to unbelievable holidays and life experiences.
    I am no saint to live with myself. But I have encouraged, worked and supported him thru the good and bad and esp thru the devastation that autism brought to our
    son. He has always generously acknowledged this to myself and our daughters. Together we have got the best medical and educational care and facilities for our
    son, who is improving daily.
    Yet…yet….I have never felt that me as my raw, natural self is welcome with my husband. The real me who doesn’t need to binge drink to have wild and wonderful sex, who doesn’t need alcohol for intimacy and Dutch courage, who doesn’t need the expensive restaurants or lavish holidays to get close or feel a life success….At a core level, as a soul I don’t feel a 100% welcome as a person with my husband.
    The man I am having an affair with is another story. We both feel welcome with eachother. We great eachother with “Welcome” every time we see eachother. It’s like we’ve come home. We feel safe, unjudged and our natural selves with eachother. Our spirits align. There isn’t the hard work, the watching what we say
    in order to not offend, or disrupt the peace. He knows everything about me and I about him. He is in exactly the same position as me with his wife. He went into his marriage in good faith too, tried for years and years to fit in with her, put up and shut up to provide his best for his family. Like me he never felt totally accepted or his natural self with his wife. He has told me umpteen times that it was only thru being with me that he realised there is nothing wrong with him, that he is a good, lovable man. My liver and I saved eachothers’ sanity and acknowledge this constantly.
    So not all of us adulterers are devil horned selfish so and sos. Most of us would
    have preferred to have been faithful. But the life and marital journey are never as straight forward as the vows.

  338. 338
    Anonymous Says:

    Dear Susan, I want to thank you for providing this blog for people like me (I am the writer of 337) who find ourselves in this unexpected space in life. In your intro you cite the figure of 25% of affairs that succeed. It shows that realistically not all marriages are bound to last the distance because they have too many fault lines within them not foreseen by the 2 parties at the time of taking the vows. Furthermore not all stresses to marriages are overcomable by every couple over the course of many years. Many contributors here seem to believe that because you make a vow in full sincerity in your youth, that vow should over-ride any unforeseeable reality in the future at the expense of the couples’ happiness.
    One contributor here said understanding and compassion are to be extended to all humans in this position and I couldn’t agree more.

  339. 339
    Anonymous Says:

    I have been divorced for several years. My husband left our family home nine years ago. He was umhappy and wanted to find true love and happiness yet he wanted us to be good friends. Before he left he attended counselling and then, at his request, we attended counselling together. To be honest, during this time there were many things that didn’t make sense to me. Several months later he informed me and our 2 teenaged children that he was leaving. Five weeks later I received an anonymous phone call from someone informing me that he had been involved with a younger married woman for about 18 months. Suddenly many things made sense. Many years have passed and he is still with her. They are engaged and have been for about 4 years. He has helped raise her 2 children who were about 4 and 6 when they started their affair. She does not want him to be alone with me. He often calls me to chat. Sometimes it is abot our grown children. Sometimes it is just to chat. He continues to tell me how important I am to him and that he really enjoys talking with me. After all this time I can say I am thankful that he is her problem, not mine. I can guarantee that many times she does not know that he has called me. Recently he told me that his life with her is lonely. He is very active and she is not, according to him. Ironically, all the years we were married, he often said “We are so different. We have so little in common”. Now I hear about how we have so many of the same interests, etc. It is almost sweet justice. I often hear about how he tells people about what a wonderful woman I am. Just recently when we were having a serious discussion with our 23 year old son, my former husband said that I did not deserve the way he treated me when we were married and that I was a wonderful mom and woman. That I deserved to be treated with respect. He said that I have made many sacrifices for my two children and that they should be grateful for everything I had done for them.

    I know that I am responsible for some of the issues in our marriage but I was always committed to him and to our children. I deserved better. Almost 10 years later I still carry issues from being left for a younger woman who, from what I gather, is completely the opposite of me. I can say, however, that my life is in a very good place. The only thing that I would change is that I am alone and I don’t want to be. I would love to meet a good man to share my life with. Because of the insecurities I have developed from being on the receiving end of an affair, I am scared…..very scared of being hurt again. Yet I am very thankful that the man who walked away from me is no longer my husband. Although he seems to have changed in many ways and he loves our children very much, I have little respect for him as a husband or as a man. The hurt he caused us over the past years in his attempt to be happy has left scars. I don’t know him anymore and he certainly does not know me. I am fine with that.

    And to those who feel that affairs are sometimes okay…they are not. They cause hurt to innocent people, especially children…Do whatever you can to make your marriage work. If it cannot be healed, leave and spend some time alone first. This will give everyone, especially your children, time to begin adjusting without having another person ( Mom or Dad’s special friend….) thrown into their lives. Over the years, even after they were engaged, he told me that the grass is not greener on the other side and that if he knew then what he knows now, he never would have left. I wish my former husband happiness in the future BUT I do not wish them happiness together. I feel they don’t deserve happiness together after inflicting hurt on those they love. And hopefully I will find a good man who will respect,appreciate and love me.

  340. 340
    Anonymous Says:

    Yes they last. It’s a fallen world and still a mans world. Women still obsess over wanting to be needed and even if he is married with children she won’t care. Women who sleep with married men have no morals. They take marry for themselves and destroy and think that it will all be ok as they gained whilst everyone lost. Then more children are bought into the world and are taught this is normal and a way of life and this is why affairs are not so taboo anymore. It’s a shame but I’ve lived the life of being left for someone else. No one gets their happily ever after but it sure don’t stop them from trying.

  341. 341
    Anonymous Says:

    Hi there everyone; I am a woman who was cheated on after a 22 year monogamous relationship. I wanted to make some comments, not as a judgemental thing, but the “other” side, the betrayed person’s perspective. By the way, 3 years after the confession, we are still together, but the damage from all the lies (that continued after the confession) has done extreme damage to my trust, which was given to him 100%. Although he wanted to stay with me from the start, he did make the mistake of comparing our relationship to the “fantasy” one, and of course, I came up short, which has not only hurt, but made me quite angry.
    What I wanted to say was first is the ego boost that you are getting is overdrafting the self esteem account of your spouse/relationship partner, and they will give pints of emotional blood for your reckless lack of concern, your disregard for their health, emotional well being, and their future trust in EVERYONE, not just sexual relationships! They were taken for a sucker for trusting you, and then your continued lies give them little faith going forward. I am an attractive woman who has stayed slim, vibrant & sexual over the years. I know a real relationship can’t compete with an affair for titillation & ego boost, but who is the one who is going to be there when one person’s “use” for you has dried up? Remember, the reason why you love interaction with your affair partner is because they are feeding your ego, telling you everything you want to hear,(and you are telling them everything they want to hear) and in many cases they are cheating on someone else too. They are “having their cake & eating it too.” I guarantee you if they took all the romance, appreciation & attention they are putting into the affair into their primary relationship, they would usually be getting a great response there as well. It is just that a new person is so much fun!! You’ve still “got it,” you are hot, fun, cute & you “understand each other.” The deal is, you have no real “skin in the game” so there is no reason for any diagreement(s) For instance, say the woman tells her affair partner that she can’t afford her rent, so he keeps giving her money. The truth might be she is gambling, spending it on drugs, clothes or something else that you would never know in a “fake” relationship, but might cause some sparks in a real one. Cheating is also just damned disrepectful, and says more about the person in it than the person it happened to. There is a character problem, or they would risk losing their “bad” relationship to pursue the other, or any other. Your spouse/relationship partner has a life too, aren’t you wasting their life? Don’t they have the right to enjoy the same level of intrigue, sexual variety, flattery, flirtation & ego food you are currently enjoying? Or is this just all about what you need? Or should they wait at home patiently waiting for your leftover “scaps?”
    I know what you are talking about because my husband said he “wasn’t thinking” it just “happened” etc., but the flirtation and fantasy had been going on for a couple of months. He had to make the move to ask her out, get her alone & find someplace to have sex with her, so I say he had about 42 chances to stop the progression but chose not to. I think this is true of most affairs. (Which these days are often found at the workplace because there are plenty of opposite sex people you get to know & see over & over again. You fall in love with how that other person makes you “feel.” Why can’t you feel good about yourself without screwing people who have wasted their lives being true to you? Is your life the only one being “wasted?” No, it’s just you & they only one you care about right now. How we feel about ourselves should be a lot more important than the most often temporary flattery of someone else or someone “new.” My husband admitted he didn’t think a thing was missing in his relationship with me until he had a sexual (and probably) an emotional attraction to someone he wanted to have sex with….THEN all the reasons I “deserved” it came into play, ie, he thought how do I know she is not having an affair herself, or had one in the past?, she said something I didn’t like 10 years ago & I am still mad, this new person listens so intently and says all the “right” things, they “understand” me. No, they are getting the new sex, the exciting sneaking around, the reflection of themselves in the others eyes that they want to see & need for what may very well be their own poor self esteem, and you are providing it to get it back.
    People that are cheating usually stay in their primary relationships because they want that stability, which they are using YOU for, and get their “fun” & “loving” somewhere else. They like haing both.
    And also, please understand that a cheating person, man or woman is going to tell you all the “problems” in their relationship because if they don’t have any, they are just a hound dog!! It is VERY typical for a man or woman to say there is no sex at home when they are getting plenty, that their wife/husband just doesn’t “understand them” when the truth is they are hostile, rude, controlling or any number other unattractive behaviours at home that you would not like either, but since you don’t really know anything about this person in real life, you know nothing about! It could be you wouldn’t put up with their REAL BS for a week! Sometimes, they will even “pre-qualify” you by saying their spouse/sig other does not doing xyz in the bedroom, so they don ‘t waste time on you if you won’t. They can bring it up & see your reaction. This is the way that the affair partner gets an edge….they hear what the cheater feels they are missing, so they know just what to do to please. Or, the cheater will say “oh, she/he never does, says, or gives that to me!!” Meanwhile, back at home, the spouse doesn’t even know there is a competition, but the affair partner sure does!! How would you like to be in a competition for someything that really matters in your life like your job, home, marriage & not even know it? What if your Boss said “You are being fired because Bill over here was told about everything we think you are lacking on the job, and they have had 5 months to prove they can deliver these things you were never even told were a problem, would you feel that was fair? Wouldn’t you say, “Hey!! why didn’t you tell me what was wrong if something so important as my job was at stake! What kind of BS is this? You can’t give me a chance with the same info you gave Bill?” Yet this is what you are doing to your spouse. This is one of the reasons you feel so betrayed, you didn’t get a chance to fix anything, or even told there was a problem.
    Also, I also wanted to say that over these same years I have had “chemistry” with other men I know or have met, but the difference is I didn’t wait until that a progression happened to make a decision that I would just not do this. So, when I saw & sensed that inital chemistry, fliratation, etc., I would nip it right in the bud. I have straight out said “I find you attractive too, but I am married, you are married, we are both married, or whatever and I don’t do that.” That way, you don’t insult the person, but they move on to easier prey. And, I don’t give it a second thought, because that fantasy thing with someone you know is a poison that will probably grow and turn into something. The outcome is feeling good about yourself, to me the most precious thing…..when everyone is gone, I still feel good. I am not saying I am above anyone else morally, I just know how I feel about myself is more important than any flattery from someone else.
    I do blame pop culture too, it is almost like if you aren’t cheating, you are just not living! Why not be single then & not drag others through your selfishness, disregard, disrespect, etc? If you are really in a bad relationship, why not get out? If you don’t want to make a commitment to a person, don’t!! No one is forcing you! If your spouse is not doing it for you anymore, CHANCES ARE, THEY FEEL THE SAME WAY!! Get single & start screwing everything that walks if you want to! Telling yourself that you are not robbing things from your primary relationship is pure bunk! You are getting you needs met elsewhere, and are probably building a case against them in your head to rationalize your misdeeds. (making them deserve it!) I was in a relationship (first marriage) many years ago and I found myself attracted to someone else. I felt the marriage wasn’t working for me, so I took the chance to get out before I really knew if this other attraction would work out. I also knew he would never trust me if I did not do that (He was single) This, interestingly enough, is the one that cheated on me 23 years or so later, so despite the setting a “good” example, that didn’t pan out. But if I hadn’t done that, could I stand on high ground when this happened? I don’t think so. I would have felt I deserved it in some way.
    I also think that people think they would never get in an affair because they don’t think the temptation will happen to them…but chances are, it will!! Be prepared!! There are lots of lonely, unfulfilled & selfish people more than ready to suck you in for their own gain. It is not about you, it is about them!! I have seen unattractive people that find a way to get laid all the time. Just get your lines down & don’t forget your checkbook/wallet!
    Now my husband feels like crap and will probably not respect himself as much as he once did, a big price to pay for an affair. It is like stealing money….can any material possession be that important to sell your self-respect for it? Anyhow, enough said!! It felt good to try to have those who are in an affair see the other side. Bye Now!

  342. 342
    Anonymous Says:

    Read this quote that others might love…”The grass is greener where you water it!” If you water your neighbors lawn, yours may die.

  343. 343
    Anonymous Says:

    People come in to your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out wich one it is, you will know what to do with them.

    I have been cheated on by my first husband. I was cheated on my a long-term, live-in boyfriend. They hurt, but I lived. Now, I am in another long-term relationship that is going well, but in all honesty he just doesn’t float my boat. I was approached by a married co-worker a year and a half ago. I didn’t even know him as we worked in separate departments, but, I guess he definitely knew me. Initially, I blew him off but a few months later (after his intentional pursuit), we began having an emotional affair. He and his wife separated for a few months and it was my advice to him that got them back together! Notice how us cheaters are not as horrible as we are perceived to be. In any case, I love him and he has admitted that he loves me. We do not see each other outside of work – we do attend meetings together and go to lunch occasionally. And, yes, fool around a little bit. We do not secretly call each other on the phone. I respect his home and he respects mine. But, the fact of the matter is we like each other’s company and we find each other very sexually appealing. Have I asked him to leave his wife? No. Has he asked me to leave my boyfriend? No. Do we still love each other? Yes. It just is what it is and we will continue do this because WE NEED EACH OTHER RIGHT NOW.

    I’ve been in love three times in my life. I cared for the person and gave them my heart. Out of trust and out of a deep sense that we would be together forever… but it just didn’t happen. I’ve cried. I’ve gone to the gym. I’ve had makeovers. Made a bunch of girlfriends and done the ‘man-haters thing’. I’ve gone to bars. I’ve gone to church. Read the self-help books – even diagnosed my ex with borderline personality disorder. I’m convinced that I HAD to love these men at the time that I loved them regardless of what the outcome was. They were in my life for a reason and a season. They taught me a lot and I still love them deeply.

    The expression of love cannot be based solely on what someone did or did not do for you or to you. When I read the words of the posts above, those who were cheated on – show hurt. And those who are cheating – show guilt and self-defense. Most of the post have these feeling disguised in a word that is continuously used – love.

    Love is meant to be eternal; however, it does not necessarily mean that we, as humans, understand this concept. Love is meant to be patient and kind, but, unfortunately, I don’t see many people helping an old lady with her groceries.

    When you take the ‘burden’ of loving each other OUT of a marriage, then maybe you may just be left with your own selfishness. Think about it…why is your partnter cheating on you? Most everyone answers ‘because they are selfish’. OK. But, in reality, BOTH people are responsible for the affair. Yes, life sets in. THe kids, home and bills replace romance, but it does not have to be this way.

    Marriage, like everything else, requires hard work from BOTH people. And if your partner is cheating on you…well, just love them enough to let them go. Don’t worry if they return. Don’t try to make their new lives miserable. Don;t use the kids against them, etc. Then YOU are the one being SELFISH.

    If you been in a marriage one year or fifty years, it is your daily responsibility to laugh and be carefree with your partner. No one thrives under constant stress and BORING moments. Who want to go home to Debbie Downer? Or Bernie Bummer?

    Finally, real love starts with YOU. I hear people constantly nag at their spouse that they are not making them happy. Who died and left that burden to you spouse? YOU are supposed to make YOU happy. Then you can SHARE that happiness with someone else. NOT give it to them or create it for them. SHARE it.

    Bottom line… if someone cheats on you – think of YOURSELF first. Whether it’s by walking away or working to save your marriage. No one has the answer but you. And if you are cheating on somebody, figure out WHY you are doing it and then take action. If you look hard enough, you will notice that the action you have to take is WORKING ON YOUR HAPPINESS! Not by cheating, but by getting healthy enough to LOVE YOURSELF!

    And… hopefully, you will then meet your LIFETIME.

  344. 344
    Anonymous Says:

    343 Love it!

    My ex blame blame blamed me for cheating on me. Truth was, he was neglecting me at home and I responded to his behaviour as I was busy looking after my newborn and had no time to make my world about him anymore, I was very clear about his jealous selfish behaviour towards my son and was discusted a grown man was acting like that.

    He told me he was not ready to committ (after ten years) and wasn’t ready to be a father. After three years he is marrying his affair partner and about to have a baby soon with her. So much for all the lies and BS he feed me. Lets see who his new shiny wife feels when he sulks he is not getting enough attention when there baby is born.

    Pathetic men…even more oathetic women listening to these men and stroking ther ego. They all think they are speacial

  345. 345
    Anonymous Says:

    As bad as this sounds and I will probably get grilled for this, but relationships change and end this day and age. Its a shame, I was cheated on threw him out beleiving he was going to be no better off and come grovelling back so I could regect him like he regected me.

    He hung his head down and moved in with her and insists on staying with her even though he is clearly miserable with her, he is now happy to settle and “work on” this new relationship as he learned from me that marriage took work that he threw away the minute he needed to do it.

    Dont get me wrong, he suffered terribly and he was bankrupt in the pocket and emotionally but the affair partner stood by him enjoying the battle and the “Win” as sad as that sounds.

    Once reality set in and the battle was over the problems in our marriage came into there relationship. So not worth it guys but I am better off as I dont feel like I have to bend over backwards anymore for my depressed husband while I was neglecting my own needs. I think the mistress turned girlfriend is probably just to young and stupid to relise that her “Win” was actually my “Win” and his “Loss” with no gain.

    Cheating men/women and divorce should be treated as a sign he/she was not for you if you can’t forgive but I have learned that both parties do get past it and do move on with their lives. I just find people who cheat and end up with there partner just never seem to learn from there mistakes and tend to keep repeating them.

  346. 346
    Anonymous Says:

    Anonymous

    My ex husband had an affair with my good friend of 20 years. She was married with two kids. It happened when I gave them shelter at my place. My ex and I were having problems, she took the opportunity to frame me and told him I was having an affair with an ex-bf (totally untrue). He got angry, started confiding in her and the affair developed. For two years, I waited for him to come back to the family wholeheartedly. Then ironically, I was involved with my ex-bf who was married. I became the other woman. Yet he still wants to work it out with his wife.

    The situation was ridiculous. So I decided to dump both men. Divorce my ex-husband and walk out on the ex-bf. They both can sort out their own issues. Only when they are single, faithful, devoted, sincere and serious with me, will I consider. Since they are still attached with the other women, I respect the women they are with and I will back off … meanwhile, the world is full of single men and I am also happy being on my own. Am I emotionless? Nope. But I don’t want to be a degenerate.

    Five months after my divorce, my ex-husband dumped my friend and wanted to come back. I told him that I have already received more than 10 marriage proposals and I am still not ready to choose. I don’t really want to rush actually. So.. the moral of the story is… this is life. When posed with such situations, take a step back and analyse the situation and do the right thing. If the man insists on having another woman while having you, let him have her.. but you can choose to walk. You cannot control another person, but you have control over your own life.

    Have some dignity.

  347. 347
    Anonymous Says:

    Would you get rid of a used car before you test drive a new one?? I’m sure any of you with some intelligence would not. Same usually goes for relationships. Most of us are just to stuck on what appears right in the eyes of others to make the right decision for ourselves. Wake up people. Life is short. We all make mistakes & what’s good for you at 20 probably isn’t good for you at 30. Do want you want with your life just make sure you take care of your responsibilites (children) a long the way.

  348. 348
    Anonymous Says:

    My situation is totally different. I was married for 36 years to what I thought was a devoted husband and father. For two years he was giving money to a women and had been taking money from our account. I noticed that he wasn’t as much fun to be with anymore. But, that’s okay by me because I loved him unconditionally. He was rather short with me and didn’t seem to care what was going on in our lives as much. I didn’t really notice much change and one day he said he was missing something, cried in his truck and didn’t know why. This left me speechless. I knew it sounded very strange and didn’t want to think he was unhappy in the marriage and this made me very anxious and sad too. We did everything together and shared a history that couldn’t be duplicated, so now he’s suddenly unhappy? I didn’t know what to think. One day he came home from a brief trip and took a few things and said he needed space and he was unhappy with his life. The next day, I hear that he’s blaming me for anything and everything in the marriage and he is done with the relationship. Soon after that, he filed for divorce and is living with another woman. They have been together for a year now and the divorce will be final soon. He has devastated his grown boys and I’m still reeling with questions. He refuses to talk, reconcile, counsel, just says it’s over and he wants out. No remorse or anything. The OW is by his side like glue and I’m left to be the matriarch and patriarch of what little family is left. His OW has made it impossible for him to even think about reconciliation because he’s so dependent on her for emotional support. I totally agree with the Christian rule. God hates divorce and if possible it’s best to work things out. Yes, I’m probably to blame for him feeling hurt for reasons that I don’t understand. But, how am I going to help solve the problem when the OW is whispering in his ear? He’s like a dependent puppy that needs stroked. Well, that’s my job, not someone else’s until the divorce is final and all avenues have been explored to save the marriage. It’s too damn easy to get a divorce nowadays and it wrecks lives beyond repair.

  349. 349
    Anonymous Says:

    As much as I want to blame the other party, it is also my fault. My ex-husband was abusive and irresponsible. I stuck to the marriage for 7 years and he had the affair with my best friend. So I waited out for him for another 2 years so that at least I tried to fight for my family. Both parties refused to budge, claiming they love each other so in the end, I divorced him. I recognised some of the mistakes I made as a partner and wife and so I asked him for forgiveness before the divorce. One year after our divorce, he left her but I am not taking him back because I knew I did the best I could and I am very happy with the children now. Divorce is not a good option but in my case, the affair was inevitable because had it been with other women, I would still be in the marriage. And the man was abusive.

    So I am so happy that my stubborn best friend had the affair with him because it gave me opportunity to finally divorce him and now live my life happily. I now can recognise a toxic man and the freedom of being able to choose properly is fantastic. I am taking my time and enjoying my singlehood for now xoxo!! I did admit that my naggy and needy behaviour were a turn off in the past. I didn’t really take care of myself too but thank God I recognized that and am able to change into a hot woman! And I learn how to appreciate everything that I have. xoxoo

  350. 350
    Anonymous Says:

    I agree with the last comment, I was devestated when my ex husband was having an affair with his receptionist. I thought I would never get over and its been 2 years now and I couldn’t care less if he was with her or happy or not. I have never been happier in my life with myself. I am doing what I want with whom I want and feel attractive and great.

    The people who are hurting on this site can take comfort in the fact that this was all meant to be and you will in time get over it and move on with your own life and he will be just someone who you married once.

  351. 351
    Anonymous Says:

    Ditto on number 350. My ex cheated on me a little over 3 years ago and when I found out I offered her a chance to reconcile on the condition that she cease ALL contact with the other guy (who was a family friend too as well as his wife.) My now ex didn’t want to do that and I count my lucky stars every day that she didn’t. That would have been hell and I would have hated her and myself more for being okay with that. Now 3 years later my life is so super great, I date a wonderful woman who is sooooo attractive and great sexually. Life is good and good riddance to the ex. She was so bad sexually too that the other guy deserves her.

  352. 352
    Anonymous Says:

    I believe that affairs are all an addiction on both peoples part. Very very hard to stop them…

  353. 353
    Anonymous Says:

    @#343 Good post full of wisdom. I agree that ultimately only an individual is responsible for their own happiness & looking to your other half to either complete you or be your happiness supply is foolish. Having said that, if the person you are married to actively undermines your happiness he is eroding your capacity to make yourself happy. This happens in many marriages. Alcohol addiction, controlling behaviors, short-temperedness all contribute towards the marriage partner feeling disempowered. This happened to me. The impact of my husbands unreasonable behaviors within our marriage were disabling me from creating my own happiness. For years my eye was on the bigger picture of securing our childrens’ welfare, education and economic survival to worry about creating my own happiness.
    I also wanted to address your point about marriage being “hard work”. Hard work is also a euphemism for come hell or high water making 2 incompatible people who made a family together stay together. I am not saying there may not be merits in doing this and there clearly are but does this pass for having a real life? When just about every aspect of married life is hard work where is the joy in it? In some marriages everything is an issue from finances to sex to the angle the chair is positioned. Everything being a point of negotiation and discussion is bloody exhausting and a kill joy. Also, if a marriage is handwork and daily life doesn’t flow, it means incompatibility and non-acceptance of the person. Is this a sou d foundation for a marriage no matter how much goodwill and love is initially involved.
    The reality is that those affairs that turn into happy marriages or better marriages
    than the first, the two people involved felt more compatible and accepted with each other than they did with their first marriage partner. I speak from personal experience here. My first husband was constantly trying to change me, modify me, which, over a 23 year span got the message home to me that at core I could not be my authentic self around him. My affair partner does not have a need to alter me. We flow and we’re in sync. We get the same things.
    Sometimes its best to face up to the fact that a relationship that is too much hard work is just that handwork, exhausting and eroding.
    completely accepts me.

  354. 354
    Anonymous Says:

    I was in a 3 year relationship with a girl that has a 6 year gap between the two of us, I was 25 and her only being 19. Now before you say anything about her being too young, I took my time to get to know her because I was well aware of her age. We worked together at a local garden center. She was the head cashier and i was a supervisor at the time. We had a open house event around thanksgiving back in 2009 and because we worked alot of hours together we got to know each other. Talking became flirting almost instantly. One thing about her that stood out was that she has a low self esteem. We didnr share our first kiss until over a month, I told her i wanted to take things slowly because i wanted it be a long term relationship. She said she wanted the same thing. It was around Christmas then and i would come over to help her decorate her tree and one thing led to another and we ended up together. We spent alot of time together. At work and at her place. One thing about myself that she didnr like was that i smoked pot at night to help myself relax. She didnr like it because she said it made me a different person. I refused at first but she suffers from anxiety attacks and when i would smoke it made her have panic attacks. I needed to stop for myself and i wanted to stop for her because i didnr want her to go through it. So i quit, got a better job , making a better wage. She hated that i got a good job she said to me that she liked that i got a job where i was making good money while she was still making min. wage. Something that was always an argument through our entire relationship was that she was a slob and didnr want to clean up after herself. She had a apartment that she never took care of and that she allowed the dishes to pile up for about two weeks and she has 5 cats and a dog and the cats would use the restroom in corners of her apartment or on the furniture. So when i would ask her if we could clean it was like pulling teeth. When she would argue it was like she enjoyed it. Screaming at me at the top of her lungs throwing things. Having a temper tantrum. This want just when she was 19 it was thru our entire 3 year relationship. She always told me that she didnr like to be told what to do. I never told her to do anything, i always asked her and volunteered my time to help her. Her and her roommate were exactly the same. Neither one of them cleaned. Anyways i ended up moving into my own place to escape the insanity of it all. She has had 5 jobs in 3 years in which she was either fired because of conflict with coworkers or she has quit outright. She went to school to be a beautician and when she graduated she went and applied to a local cost cutters and she worked there for 4 days and quit because she didnr want tk do it anymore. I didnr understand it all. Still don’t. Well whenever we would have arguments she would yell and scream bloody murder and over the course of time it became almost instantly. There was a time that i regretted instantly and regret to this day and will always regret it but we got into a argument and she was yelling and started throwing things in my apartment and because i wanted her to stop but couuldnt put my hands on her but i grabbed her to make her stop and i left her a bruise. I said that was so sorry and i would understand if she wanted to break up that i wouldst stop her. But in the same breath when i asked her to stop or to just leave she wouldnt. Well leaving to the end of us, we had a couple that we were friends with, that we played video games with and went on double dates with every once in awhile. Well the guy in the relationship and myself have been friends for about 6 years and we were pretty close. I used to smoke with him all the time when i used to smoke. Anyways this guy basically got his girlfriend st the time to leave her boyfriend when they first met at work and told her that her boyfriend at the time was a bad person and that she would never have to go through all that with him. Well she found iout through the three years they were together that she became a pothead which she never smoked before. They grew pot and grew mushrooms before and they did mushrooms every once in awhile. This guy never took her out to dinner besides mcdonalds or any fast food place. He forgot her birthday once and their anniversary. Never got her flowers for special occasions or just for the hell of it. Convinced her to take it pay day loans under her name to help him pay bills and pay for weed. A year in to their relationship he cheated in her with a cousin of mine. She never found about it, she did catch him asking girls that he used to work with and the girls that he works with now he would flirt with then right i front of her. Anyways getting to what happened of my break up. My girlfriend went to hang it with this girlfriend of his every once in a while to make friends with her because my girlfriend didnr have too many herself. Anyways i guess this ed and my girlfriend Beth started talking about the flaws in our relationship and his. With there being a grey area being told to me but i guess whatever he was saying was hitting my girls heart strings and she starting having feelings towards this guy and somehow she felt comfortable enough to have a threesome withtthis guy and his girlfriend. Well what they said they were going to do didnr happen and this guys girlfriend basically st there watching my girl and this ed have sex right in front of her and half way through it she said they needed tk stop because it was wrong and they werent including her like they said what was supposed to happen. She said it was like they have and sex before or something because they just attacked each other.anyways this happened right before our three year relationship and they continued to talk behind my back about this and that this ed wanted my girl and she supposedly wanted out of our relationship. I ended up finding out that they were seeing each other Christmas weekend and she left me for him. My questions basically are1. Did i do something that would have caused this to happen? 2. Do relationships that would started out this way ever last? She is throwing inky face that i should have never quit smoking pot even though now she dating someone that smokes pot alot more than i ever did. I always took my girl out to dinner every weekend, bought her flowers for every occasion plus randomly. We went and did things like hiking, camping, going to the zoo, going on road trips, and random things between the two of us. This guy is saying that he is going to change his ways just to be with her. I want tk protect her for what she was to me during our relationship but i want get past the threesome and that its a friend of mine. She oesnt care about meaany more and that she regrets dating me at all even though she says she has found her soulmate in this ed and she would have never met him if i didnr introduce them. Somehow i look at this as my fault. I was the only one that didnr know about this happening. My ex made me believe we were good. I was going to ask her to marry me this year and start working towards having our first child. Which by the way she says that she is going to have this guys baby. Rubbing their relationship in my face. The day that i found it all this stuff about them and caught her red handed because she as supposed to be st work until a certain time and i called her work and they she left at noon that day and j called her and she was st home with him. When she came over to my apartment and we talked she said that she found her soulmate and they can talk about anything and they will be together. Do you see them lasting forever starting their relationship like this? Mean evrytime she looks back on her relationship with him she will think about how she met him and be reminded of me. Please help because i cent get answers because she want talk to me about this. She also said that she want her true self with me and that she can be that person with her. Do you think she is manipulated by this guy that is saying everything she wants to hear? I don’t get it , i was good to her and this is how she leaves me. It was like i never knew her. Why be with me for three years and she couldnt show her true colors.

  355. 355
    Anonymous Says:

    I was attracted to this man who later became my best friend. It wasn’t until several months later that he said he was married out of convenience. The person he was with had an expiring visa and desired a green card, and at that time when they were in a sexual relationship (I didn’t know) he agreed to help her out. He said that he was always attracted to me but was daunted by our age gap. After telling me about his situation, his wife realized how attached he was to me and started harassing me. We were still friends at the time, but I was deeply and passively upset at him. I of course, left. We stopped communication all together- it hurt me so badly. It affected me in every aspect of life.
    I was going to move for education purposes and one day he wrote to me asking if we could meet up before I left. Since I didn’t get to talk to him properly after disappearing, I thought there would not be much harm in telling him officially good bye.

    However seeing him again made me realize how much I had depended on him emotionally. I confessed to loving him, but let him knew I was leaving for several years. We ended up starting an affair. We loved each other fully and honestly. He promised that after she would receive her greencard that they would divorce. I didn’t realize then the people or family that I would hurt when they found out, and even how it would affect me and him until it all happened. After much disappointment and anger from my parents, I promised that I wouldn’t contact him as long as they were together.

    Sometimes I wish I could just leave. Forget all the pain.

    But I keep hanging onto that hope that we can be together again. It is going to be a long and torturous wait until she gets her papers.

    I keep on wondering if I should let go. But I can’t move on.

  356. 356
    Anonymous Says:

    Anyone who just blames the unmarried party, does not know what they are talking about. You dont go and search for love in wrong places, it comes to you. The married party obviously was not happy in his current marriage otherwise he/she would never have even concidered a relationship with someone else. Sometimes when children is envolved the other party uses this to keep the person with them, this is not fair towards anyone either, it is a lie. You cant say that love cant exist between two people and that it cant be true, because he/she is married. Love happens, you dont ask for it, it happens. It is not fair to say because he/she is married to someone else, that there is no chance of success with someone else, because that is just not true. Sometimes people get married to the wrong people for the wrong reasons! Wake up, sometimes life is just life!

  357. 357
    Anonymous Says:

    To the last comment. Your a fool. If they are married they are married. How would you like it if you were married and some young intruder was making it ok for your husband to cheat? Get a clue…

  358. 358
    Anonymous Says:

    okay so technically i am not having an affair but I am married. MY husband and I due to being long distant constantly agreed we could sleep with other people as we both have needs this has been going on for nearly a year no dramas I usually don’t get to know the person I just let them know it is purely sexual.

    However I kind of slept with my brother in laws friend which I have known for years but is also years my junior was going through a tough time and I would give him advice etc then one thing lead to another and we slept together.

    My husband knows so I a not lying however what I am lying about is I have fallen hard for this other person and I want to end this mess of a situation I feel I met the person I have been looking and longing for my whole life. This person brings out the best in me, I am honest with him 100% and tell him not to expect anything lets see how it goes but I can’t give him up. I have never met anyone who absolutely adores me and I am just wondering what I should do as he risks his lifelong friendship with my brother in law and the reason why me and my husband got married although we have been together for 6 years I recently got my visa denied so he said lets just get married so my situation is a whole heap different and I just want to know what should I do.

  359. 359
    Anonymous Says:

    There are lots of responses, insights etc on this although I have only read circa 80 – probably enough. The one which stand out #20 I completely understand what you are saying get some distance work on your own relationship etc but this can also lead to many wasted years. After 10 years of marriage which was always fairly explosive I fell in love with someone I worked with, he returned my feelings and we did have a relationship but as we were both married with children we agreed that we should end it and have no further contact – which we didn’t for 8 years and for 8 years I tried for the sake of my children to make it work, it wasn’t all bad but we just didn’t get on and after 8 years I ended my marraige i then looked up the Man I had the affair with only to discover it had been exactly the same for him – we didn’t rush into things and took it slowly developing our relationship and now 3 years later we are together but with a lot of wasted time. Was it the right thing to do, my eldest (now 18) tells me that she has been wishing for years that me and her dad would just split up and my youngest (12) is much more impacted than she would have been back. I think we thought we were doing the right thing back then but not so sure that the impact has been any less getting together years later after our attempt at saving our marriages has failed. Just an observation from a personal perspective but doesn’t mean I condone affairs by any manner of means I just think that generally you shouldn’t judge until you have experiencd the heartache that this situation brings on everyone concerned.

  360. 360
    Anonymous Says:

    Me and my boyfriend have been together for almost 12 years, we got together.when I was 16 and I am now 28 . He works offshore and is gone 9 1/2 months out of the year. He came home a week ago and I found a text on hisphone from another girl . I called her and asked her who she was and what was going on . She refused to tell me anything . Finally he told me that they have slept together once but that they have been talking for a few months on the phone while he’s offshore. He told me that he isn’t happy with me and that he loves her . I don’t understand how u could love someone that u have only met once in person . We have 3 beautiful kids and I am devastated. Now he’s telling me that he would never leave us and that he loves me and that he will never talk to her again. He laid in bed with me the other night crying asking me if he could call her one more time to tell her he wants to work it out with me and to make sure she’s OK. I let him call her but she still keeps texting his phone . I don’t know what to do I haven’t slept or eaten In a week I just cry everyday and night . I don’t understand why she can’t leave it alone . She has a kid as well by only god knows who so I would think as.a woman she wouldn’t wanna do this to my kids but she doesn’t care . She text me andt asked me ” are u really that happy with him think about it. He will still be.there for.u and the kids “. I really need some advice before I lose it completely. I am so sad and I can’t let this happen to me and my family . I can tell my kids are devastated. My mom told me that I need to trust that he’snot leaving because he’s.still here but my fear and I feel like I know in my mind that once he leaves offshore again he will call her. I know he doesn’t love her even though he says he does. U can’t love someone like that . Help me please

  361. 361
    Anonymous Says:

    Hi All, three years out of divorce that took place from my husband having an affair.

    So, all I can say is my ex husband finally got his reality check and is miserable! me? I was miserable from all the devestation but I chose to date and not jump into anything as I was healing. Am now fully healed and moving on with life. Him? not so good. He left me and my baby for tpically a younger girl who got herself pregnant in a few years. They have a baby now and he is back to the same old issues but worse as our daughter sees him every second weeekend and is NOT happy about the baby at all, and not impressed with his partner.

    So at the end of the day, he traded uphis first family due to depression but blamed me for it to another heap of problems and caios which is worse for him.

    Never learnt a thing, ended up with a girl who would jump off the bridge for him but now to busy with the baby to pay him that attention.

    In a nutshell, everything everyone said to me back then “He will regret it when its all to late” “The grass is not greener” “If he did it to you he will go it to her” “They will not last” Has all over time come true.

    The only good thing that has come out of this is I am better off without him and have grown to an amazing women my daughter will be proud of so now I have room to find my amazing man.

    My ex belives I am turning my daughter against his partner but I am doing no such thing. Its just called the conseqences of his actions that he doesn’t feel he has to bear.

    So all in all he has a life of never ending conflict, guilt and regret. Thats what will eventually happen to anyone who choses to either have an affair on there decent partner or have an affair with a married man who you think will leave his partner for you and you will have a life of bliss. Dont fool yourself people. I am living proff it doesn’t work out well, eventually with time they all go down in flames wheather you stay or go.

  362. 362
    Anonymous Says:

    I had been married for 30 years, my husband has had several affairs during our time together. we had horses, so the family business we built up meant that whilst the kids were young, he would be on the road a lot of the time competeing the horses, whilst i stayed at home & ran the yard, it was during this time that the affairs started. In later life, it would be people that he gave horse lessons to. 18 months ago, he left me, he had been teaching a rich woman, only 5 years younger than myself, who has never been married, we were having a rough patch in our marriage, my husband was finding it hard to accept that our 25 year old son was starting to take over the majority of the riding, as the years had taken its toll on my husbands body. We also had money troubles. We lived in a mobile home, as my husband had always said that I couldnt keep the mobile clean enough for him to build me a house.I knew that there was an attraction between them. He eventually told me that he was going to work for someone a couple of hours away from our home. I went to her house shortly after he left, & asked her if she was having an affair with him, she said she loved him to bits as a friend, like she did all my family, but that was it. she appologised for her kitchen still having 2 wine glasses on side etc, but she had a friend over till quite late the night before.I eventually got them to admit they were seeing each other 8 weeks after my husband left, & within 12 weeks they had flown half way round the world for a weeks holiday on my husbands birthday & my wedding anniversary, which we had only ever had 2 holidays in 30 years.He used to call round to see us, he would just sit in the chair, cry, say he loved me to bits as a friend, but not as a wife, give me a hug & a peck on the cheek & go back to her. Now adays, he doesnt even call, I havent seen him in 4 months, I am just waiting for my divorce to be finalised, & for him to sign the property over to me, his solicitor has been really slow, but hopefully it should all go through within the next 2 months, as it has dragged out since last February. I didnt think he could have broken my heart anymore than he has over the years, but I guess I wasnt ready for him totally walking away from me & his 2 sons. He had been married before I met him, but was already divorced, I was 20 when we first met,& i had never been in a sexual relationship with any other man, nor have I ever looked at another since I have been with him. They have broken my heart, but I am trying really hard to move on, I just feel totally betrayed by him.

  363. 363
    Anonymous Says:

    i started a relationship from an affair thinking that it would work,if there is no trust then there is nothing!!!its been the most painful relationship i have ever had liars do not stop being liars,it got worse and worse and went down hill very rapidly,i was totally paranoid the whole time,it was doomed from the start,i got angry the whole time i spent the second year having to put up with him consoling the ex partner, she has always been a part of my relationship with him,we have now separated thank-god what an awful situation.but when you fall in love with someone you try to make it work.i will never get involved in a relationship like this again no matter how wonderful they seem, strictly out of bounds i have been hurt so dreadfully, i was so patient with him, and all because i thought i didn’t deserve better,he has taken the ex partner out on dates since we split up she is most welcome to him! i hope they finally resolve their issues, although he had several affairs whilst he was with her,i pray for both of them .

  364. 364
    Anonymous Says:

    in reply to #363
    sorry to want to try & understand your actions, but I still totally love my husband, even with what he has done, I know all my family & friends think that I am nuts for still wanting him in my life, but with out him, my life seems pointless.
    I have been told that my husbands new partner keeps taggs on all his cell calls etc, & he never gets in touch with me at all, even on my 50th Birthday, he never sent any message, which I found hard after being with him for nearly 30 of those years, I suppose i hoped he might have remembered it, or do you think that when they are with the new person in their life that they no longer even think about their long time partner??I am not saying all women that have affairs are hard faced, but I know that she is, she has very few friends, I think they thought that they would be accepted more as a couple than they have been,which was why the pretence of my husband starting a job away from home, so that he was going to tell people that we had grown apart, as he had told this to his new boss, who actually came & appologised to me, & said he had no idea what my ex was up to or he wouldnt have given him the job in the first place.
    Although she is worth a lot of money in her own right, she doesn’t spend it very easily, my husband has always been obsessed with money, & as the other people that he had affairs never really had any, I don’t know if that factor has helped him make the decission to leave me. Don’t get me wrong, we were going through a rough patch, but we have been through plenty before & always got through them, & I am 100% sure if she hadn’t been intent on getting him, we would have pulled through this too.
    We have always worked together 24/7 as a team, she however has to go to bed in the afternoon for a sleep, or she did until she got with my ex!!& I can’t believe after 30 years, that he has changed into someone who now enjoys going out for meals all the time, goes on holiday half way around the world, twice a year, goes shopping & has just changed beyond all recognition. Does this sound similar to your ex partner, or am I just hoping against all odds, that he may one day walk back into my life, by some miracle??

  365. 365
    Anonymous Says:

    Been married for 20 years last year. It was a marriage where we were basically room mates for many years. She never initiated sex, I only did because I have a strong drive. I would go months waiting for her to make a move…always giving in. We always argued over little things – it just wasn’t going well. I contemplated leaving many many times – but just didn’t have the balls to do that to her and our kids. Earlier in the year last year a much younger (18 years) beautiful neighbor and I began a flirting relationship over text and calls. Inside of 2 weeks she came over to the the house and we kissed. Sparks flew. Like WOW. She wanted more, as did I. The first time we slept together it was 4 times in 5 hours – we couldn’t get enough of each other. The connection was like something I have never felt. I had been faithful for the 22 years I was with my wife, and she was faithful to her husband of 7 years. But upon first sight the two of us had an incredible connection. Fast forward – we had a very steamy relationship for 10 months getting together whenever there was a chance. 4 of those months I separated from my wife. During our A my wife asked about this relationship, I denied it. My guess is she knows, but I can’t bring myself to admit it – I don’t want to inflict any more pain. We have filed for divorce. I know it is the right thing to do as we have grown apart so much as people and what we want out of life. In the mean time I have really fallen hard for this younger woman. She asked me all year if I wanted another child, and lets just break off our marriages and start a new life. I thought that after 20 years of marriage I should grieve that loss and repair myself before starting another relationship. My AP has since tried to make her marriage work and I in turn have realized I want her badly – we truly are extremely compatible dispite the age difference – and I am ready for her and having another child. But now she is trying to make hers work instead and I am out on an island alone. Moral of the story. Leave your spouse if you truly are not happy and have tried everything you can to make it work before entering into another relationship. As fun and romantic as it is running around and hiding and having incredible sex…it has not been worth it to me. I now morn the potential loss of my AP more than the loss of my soon to be ex and our family life we created. I’ve put myself in an incredibly lonely hole. I expect absolutely no sympathy from anyone. I’ve learned there are 3 reasons for affairs. To find a way our of marriage, to make a marriage strong, or because you are not a monogamous person. My AP may have landed in the middle even though she tried to sell me that she wanted out. It seems my soon to be ex is rather happy with this decision as she was not happy with our marriage either. Life can sure suck sometimes – I just hope I can bury these feelings and find a single person I can love and put my energy in to. I will never cross that line again – once a cheater always a cheater is not always true. I have learned some very hard lessons.

  366. 366
    Anonymous Says:

    It is a long-ago post, but I find #4’s comments so completely judgmental, unkind and clearly ego-based. All you need to do is actually listen to a couple who has gone through an affair and come out on the other side without anger, either as the spouse who had the affair or the one who did not. Happiness is what both of them failed to pursue which led to the affair, and each are accountable in some way. Affairs don’t infiltrate relationships where the participants make their own happiness a priority AND make sure they express their unhappiness when it arises (rather than waiting for it to reach a boiling point where they turn to another for comfort OR turn a blind eye to their partner’s unhappiness). True love and commitment involves loving an imperfect person perfectly and loving yourself above all. Life isn’t what happens to you….if we all enter relationships as victims, then we will always become the victim. Don’t be so quick to judge. People criticize others when they are too ashamed to look within and too ashamed to love themselves in a way that will allow themselves to purely love another.

  367. 367
    Anonymous Says:

    Agreed with the above post for first half, but then had to strongly disagree with latter part of post!! True love in my mind is having the ability of loving an imperfect person, whole heartidly, but not to love yourself above all, it is to love your partner above all!!!! yes it may be that both of them failed in pursuing happiness, but sometimes life throws things at you that makes it hard for you to have the luxury of going down the path of happiness 24/7, sometimes through no fault of their own , they end up going through a rough patch in their marriage, which the longer it lasts, the more likely they are to hit these low points in their relationships, but the fact that they have worked together as a couple for a long length of time, should help them get through such a crisis. The problem arises when an unscrupulus person sits in the wings waiting to take what they see as a justified prize,& one of the partners decides that this new person who suddenly says all the right things, makes the partner feel like a rejuvenised person, makes life seem exciting again & wants to have them in their lives all the time, decides to give up a long term marriage to persue this new lifestyle. Yes it’s exciting for them to run away from their long term commitments, but it is also selfish if it is only one sided by one of the spouses. Just because one decides that they are no longer in love with a partner,doesn’t mean they should take up with another new partner without trying any form of reconcilliation with the long term partner first!!!! The partner that is walking out on the family may have been said that “they” are sick of everything, but when that is all that is said, how can the spouse try to remedy any situation when they are in the dark as to what aspects of the marriage their partner is sick of.Life is what happens to you, long term relationships do loose their passion, but it doesn’t mean that the love is lost, if anything over time it should get stronger as you brave lifes battles together, yes sex is important, but it isn’t the “B” all & end all, in my mind, it is far more important to know that you have someone who has shared all the highs & lows in your life, raised a family together & would lay their life down for you, rather than knowing that you are going to have exciting sex at night with a new partner that you have no idea how long the new relationship will last for, & better to still have the respect from your kids rather than loathing & resentment.Sometimes it IS just the actions of a selfish spouse & an unscrupulus person to destroy a family, & carve a path of distruction for what they justify as love!!!!! Eventually after all the pain of being abandoned by your long term partner & feeling of betrayal, you realise that because you do or did truly love your partner, that you let them go & wish them well with their future, because at the end of the day, true love is all about giving your partner what really makes them happy, & if you can no longer do that, let them go to try & find that happiness somewhere else, & forgive them for their betrayal & hope that they learn from your divorce, that if in the future they feel the need to leave their new partner, they will do so, without moving straight in with someone else, & give the other partner time to grieve over the broken relationship, before the partner moves on

  368. 368
    Anonymous Says:

    What annoys me about the “other women or man” especially when you have children to your spouse is that they intrude in your life so badly and inject themselves into it and us betrayed spouses didn’t ask for it? They are theives and I will never forgive my ex spouse other women for feeling entitled to take what she was not morally entitled to take and thinks she has a right to put pain on other people because she’s on her high horse thinking its what she or he can do
    as we are not there responsibility.

    The pain this causes and the happiness on the betrayed spouses end for their happiness is immoral and cruel. It will eventually eat them up. No good comes from ill gains. They say that men and women are bitches and arseholes but from what I can see its those “other women men” that keeps them that way. They have a lot to explain these stupid idiots. Stop giving people these options.

  369. 369
    Anonymous Says:

    The people here who are saying that the betrayed spouse is just “playing the victim” and they caused their spouse to have an affair by their lack of attention and affection are obviously affair partners trying to justify their behavior and that of their married lover.
    My first question to my husband of 17 years after finding out about his affair was “If you wanted to be with her so much, why didn’t you just tell me up front and leave me instead of sneaking around, lying and betraying your vows.” Yes, there were some issues in our marriage that needed to be resolved, but I would have respected and been hurt far less by his honesty than all the lies.
    He says he didn’t want to lose me and the thought of me remarried to someone else and him having to see his family with another man made him feel sick. So he sacrificed my potential happiness with someone who COULD love me for his own selfishness and wanting to have me, his wife who took care of everything in our marriage and his little, young chick on the side who told him how wonderful he was and how sexy and he couldn’t do enough to help her at the expense of his family obligations.
    He would go do things for her and be her knight in shining armor but he rarely helped me willingly if I had a problem. As an example, she drove her car until the oil ran out (because she didn’t know a car needed oil?) and he ran to help her lying to me about where he was going, but when I had a car accident and was hurt, he was angry with me for wrecking the car. He also sacrificed his relationship with his sons for the time and thought spent on her. They needed him and his attention was obviously elsewhere or when he did pay attention to them or me it was to be critical of something we were not doing right. Stupidly, I thought he was grieving his Dad’s death and needed spaceand as it turned out, he was looking for the love that he had here all along if he had only chosen to acknowledge us.
    And for those who may say so, even he says I was far from a nagging, mean or uptight wife. Just the opposite, he says I didn’t talk to him or pay attention to him enough. He never seemed interested in anything I said, and stared at the TV anyway. I guess we just both became distant and did not know how to resolve the growing pains in our marriage. I do take responsibility for some of the issues in our relationship, but I DO NOT feel any responsibility for his DECISION to have an affair. I love my husband dearly and did not deserve what he did in response to our marriage problems. There is no excuse for cheating, EVER. Just be honest with your spouse and move on if that is how you feel.
    Why would I want to be with someone who doesn’t love, respect or want me? It was extremely unfair of him not to be honest and let me go. If he loved her so much, he would want to be with her in an honest and open relationship and if she truly loved him she would have said she would not be with him until he was free to do so. THAT is the ADULT, loving and responsible thing to do for all involved.
    So in the end, everyone was hurt to some extent, but me most of all. He broke off the affair before I found out although it took several months to do so. She was hurt, but moved on to a single guy, got married and seemed to move on oblivious to the destruction she left behind. He, I think grieved for her and did have feelings for her which left him unable to BE in our marriage for a long time. And I, who thought the distance was caused by the death of both parents, one prior to and one after his affair, until I found evidence of the affair, was devastated by his betrayal and left questioning his real reasons for staying in the marriage.
    Affairs are not about real love. They are about a selfish, childish, impulsive meeting of your own needs without regard to how you are hurting others. They are not about a true mature loving relationship no matter how you try to justify it.

  370. 370
    Anonymous Says:

    I all most have to laugh if it wasn’t so sad at all the miss-guided people out here that think having an affair is the answer to their happiness. From the man that first commented and has admitted to having several affairs and now wants to know how his current mistress can be happy at home and still be interested in him to one of the last ones that said let’s just take the ride and see where it takes us. Well the answer to were its going to take you is right in the article but of course you don’t want to see that.. You are in the “haze” of affair bliss. No one else matters, what you read about the pain that is going to ensue doesn’t matter, all that matters is the fix that makes “you” feel better. Well, if you’re in an affair, you’re not thinking clearly or rationally and you need help. Most of you will not be willingly to admit it I know. some of you did not go into it maliciously or vindictively but you “fell in love” others of you are “users” either way you all need help to learn which you are and pull yourself from the destructive patterns you have chosen for your life. And if you have children, well very obviously they are not your priority and you need to learn to become a better parent for their sakes. And another thing, If your hoping to get the other Woman or other man you’re having an affair with……Be very careful what you wish for. You may think you know them but you don’t, all you know is the lover. You don’t know the sex addict, (how many affairs have they had- how many family members have they accosted?) they may even have a prestigious job and I bet the spouse knows secrets that have never come to light. Are they an abuser, a gambler, a pedophile? Are they still in LOVE with their spouse? And if you let them come into your home, your family….. shame on you….I know this as a fact….You think you won a prize, well you didn’t and the x-spouse gets the last laugh let me tell you because you now have the mess and more heart ache then you ever thought you would have from your little affair.

  371. 371
    Anonymous Says:

    Well my financial side has just about been sorted, I cried, I suppose I thought he might have wanted to try for a reconcilliation, but it looks like he can’t wait to get shut of me & his sons.
    The days I have sat & cried ,trying to figure out what it was that I did so wrong, it has helped so much reading posts on this site, it is my bolt hole for sanity, as so many times I get to thinking it has all been my fault, yes we were having troubles, I wasn’t as tentative as I had been, but 30 years with a control freak leaves you a bit depleted.
    It’s only when you see other people putting their points across, that they had been treated as dreadfully as yourself, & it has been by the actions of their selfish partners, that it puts things into prespective & you realise that how you have been traeted, is the same as others, your story isn’t unique, unfortunately, you just married someone with little morals.
    I miss him, but then I sit & think, I would not really want him back now. I have no one else in my life, he left me a year & a half ago, & I have never looked at anyone else since he went.I just feel betrayal & jealousy, because he has walked away leaving his family in a run down property that paupers would turn their noses up at, with no financial backing for his family, whilst he has moved in with a wealthy woman, with a lovely home, holidays half way round the world when ever the fancy takes them, nice cars & no financial worries what so ever. It just hurts so much, I know I sound really bitter, & I keep telling myself I am getting over what has happened to me & my family, & I know that this makes me sound a totally awful person, BUT, I really hope that they are not happy, I hope that the 12 year gap in their ages becomes a big issue, as she is 46 & he is 58, I hope he has the same heart ache he has given me & his sons, I can not believe how much he has changed, he always talked to all the women he had affairs with in the past, after they had finished their relationships, but his family of 30 years, he has dropped like dead ducks, & doesn’t ring or call round to see any of us.It is as though he wants to totally break us all, he wants to leave us with absolutely nothing, so that he can tell people that we couldn’t cope without him, & we are nothing & deserve nothing. The longer we have managed to survive with out him, the more he has tried to crush our family, & the more his sons hate him.I just hope people see him for what he really is, & hope she either gets the same tratment that I have put up with for 30 years, or gets fed up with his miserable ways & dumps him, but he always seems to come up smelling of roses, so I think he will live out the rest of his days in complete comfort & in love with his new woman, whilst his family struggle to make a living. Such is life, I wish it was better for me, but my future doesnt look bright,I have so often thought of quitting, but then that is just a cry for help, as I could not do that to my 2 sons, they deserve better, & they have gone through as much as me,if not more, their Dad used to beat them terribly, & I was too weak to stand up to him. I hate myself for so many reasons, but I chose my husband, our sons didn’t ask to come into this world, & it wasn’t their choice to have my husband as their father. I owe it to them to try & make up for my weakness now their Dad has walked out on us all, for the love of his new partner.I just hope all this hatred & pain goes, as I was always a happy easy going person, now I have turned into a bitter old woman, with no trust in her fellow man, & even less of women, who tell you they always get what they want!!!!!!

  372. 372
    Anonymous Says:

    To everyone on this site looking for the excuses to “have your dreams”: Do you all realize that I do not have any faith in marriage for the same self centered, Lame!, excuses you’ve all said her. Your heart is breaking cause you can’t just throw the person who’s been beside you and built a life with you, AWAY! “Hey, guys, I’ve used up everything this relationship has and now I want to tap someone who still has something to give”. My words are not anger, they are fact. The excuse of “anger” is just and excuse. I do not envy your selfishness, your cowardess, your desire to point the finger at your partner. If you are cheating in mind, body OR Spirit, you are a louse. Plain Louse! Wear your colors proud you louse!

  373. 373
    Anonymous Says:

    Maybe humans are not meant to be monogomous?

  374. 374
    Anonymous Says:

    I have suffered as a person with a bad childhood due to my dad’s adultery and the victim as a wife in a military marriage (I was the one away) although he went before too. I believe that as a child I suffered more as a whole because when you are young and look up to adults and have to move due to divorce and deal with your mother’s heartache it is even harder than being an adult. I have had trust issues my whole life. My dad was the good guy in town that coached my softball team and was always there. When she came along he spent no time with us and eventually it was once every two months as he moved away with her. He became enraged because of his guilt. It was scary. My mom was a very passive person and did not even provoke argument despite knowing his sins. I could see a good man become engulfed by the devil in him. Scary. Same with my husband. Incredibly defensive, irritable, and unhappy. Adulterers are selfish and impulsive but yes they are humans. Feelings do not magically happen when you meet someone. You have to start inappropriate intimacy immediately for it to happen. Some people just don’t turn off the switch. My dad’s mother had died. The gold digger knew to move in. They pretend to be “therapists” who care, the good gal in disguise. Yet, you’d lose your license if you did it in the office setting. Taking advantage of people in emotional circumstances is not an “innocent” person who just happened to fall in love. Unless, you didn’t know the guy was married, it wasn’t an accident. And even if you didn’t but you found out and continue, you are a bad person in my book. Excuse excuse. Sin is sin. People make mistakes, yeah but destroying a family is disgusting, unethical, selfish, and shameful. People in America just don’t respect marriage and very few people have devotion to God. Plain and simple. Why do you think they call us infidels over there? As a soldier I can tell you what most of the world thinks of this place. I don’t see why they have to take it out on innocent people though. If you are in a relationship and unhappy be respectful enough to end it or separate on trial. I don’t want to share a tootbrush with a stranger or lick their plate in restaurant. So sharing bodily juice is just about the most disturbing you can go. I got checked for disease right away even though he still claims nothing physical. Yuck. What’s weird is wives don’t know getting double dipped but the mistress does. Ew. What a weirdo!

  375. 375
    Anonymous Says:

    For those of my friends that have had an affair or were contemplating it–if I knew about it and they said “I just couldn’t help it” my response is simply,”If you knew I would kill your children for if you have/had this affair could you help it?” Of course the answer is yes so now it all really is reduced to the least common denominator of the priorities you place on your spouse and the mother or father of your children. Really folks it IS THAT simple. Let’s not make it more glorified or twist it into something it is not. It is a grown person making the willful choice to injure their children when children are involved.

    Have you ever heard the saying that you should never say negative things about your ex or soon to be ex? That’s because doing so hurts your children because no matter what that other parent has done he/she is a part of the children and to tear down their parent tears them down too. So do you think to cheat on their parent and emotional rip them apart you don’t do the same to the children. You say they won’t find out– they ALWAYS find out.

    Have fun rationalizing your actions. This is a permanent stain on your soul that you will carry forever.

  376. 376
    Anonymous Says:

    Married someone I thought I loved deeply and vice versa. Our lives together seemed good, sex was good, but then I realized there was NO DEPTH, I needed more than just to be his housewife and his whore (seriously). In the 4th year of marriage my husband hit me in the face for getting mad at one of he kids. I was devistated. I forgave after some time. The marriage was still missing something ? I wanted to talk, be friends, do things together. We had no similar likes, nothing that interested us both. When I tried to talk about it he told me we would never be friends. EVER. Then the name calling and swearing had started, for years I was (and still am) every bad word u could think of. Just for stupid things like letting the dog out of the yard accidentally. My self esteem, happiness, every thing good seems gone. We have 3 beautiful, wonderful kids, that is why I stay. Recently an old friend (short lived bfriend, we were not heavily involved but liked eachother a lot) came into picture and we correspond all the time (he is unhappily married 15 years, no kids and lived 2000 miles away) and he thinks we should meet. We are quite intimate over the phone and texting, I’ve held nothing back. We have a deep connection, understand eachother and want and like similar things. I feel like a teenager again with him! I’m worried about giving in to the temptation of sex, relationship prematurely but don’t want to past this up. My marriage is in very shaky grounds, no talking, no sex, no love. I have no relationship and don’t think I want one with husband any more? I think I deserve to be happy in this life but I do not want to hurt anyone. (Btw- when I told the befriend we could meet but no physical anything he was ok with it, he was always a gentleman and respect just another reason why I like him so.)

  377. 377
    Anonymous Says:

    #376….Leave your husband first or kick him out..one of the two. You need to work on yourself before you become involved in another relationship. I understand your attraction to this man, but this will lead to a really bad situation for you. He is UNAVAILABLE!

  378. 378
    Anonymous Says:

    Affairs are wrong bottom line. There is a lot of hopeful people here justifying their affairs looking for confirmation….if there is outright beating ok…some emotional abuse can be too subjective…love is what you water….the other plant isn’t greener…you just think it is…you affair seekers only want newness…fresh air…there is no loyalty anymore….its till death due us part…not until your lame excuse due us part…you have an affair and your selfish bottom line….

    Let me give you a loyalty example….general…I sold the secrets to the Russians because I was following my heart…

    General…no you weren’t…you sold the secrets to the Russians because you wanted to enrich your selfish ass..

  379. 379
    Anonymous Says:

    I have been married for 25 years to a wonderful man. Our marriage has been good, even though it started off as an affair. We were both married to other people and I got pregnant with his baby. We divorced our spouses and married each other. We get along well, but we have never had a sex life. We haven’t had sex for at least four years. I am not attracted to him in that way. I have been having an online emotional affair with a childhood friend. I want to leave and be with him. Our daughter is grown and the man I am communicating with has never been married. He has been waiting for me his whole life. I know it sounds crazy, but it’s true. I have started counseling because I recognize I am seeking happiness in others instead of within myself. It doesn’t change how I feel, though. My family knows I am having an emotional affair and they will not stand behind me if I leave my husband. My husband is supportive of me finding myself and he doesn’t want me to stay because I feel sorry for him. I know I shouldn’t have let myself get into this situation, but it is too late. I am in love and I want to be happy. What is wrong with that?

  380. 380
    Anonymous Says:

    to 379 the adage “once a cheater always a cheater” seems to come to mind.

    As for what’s wrong with that– here is what is wrong in my book. If your marriage is empty and you aren’t attracted to the guy then be a real person and get out. Then go find happiness in yourself or others or whatever you need. All you are doing is being a coward and using your husband as a safety net until a new safety net comes into the picture.

  381. 381
    Anonymous Says:

    Wow, that is a little harsh. I recognize the adage “once a cheater, always a cheater.” That is why I am struggling with this so much. I didn’t go out and look for an affair. I didn’t even realize it was one until I started reading about it. I am not a bad person. I find it so interesting how judgmental people are. Wait until it’s you or your daughter….then you might understand. I am not using my husband as a safety net. I don’t want a safety net. Don’t you get it? I’m self destructive. That is why I am seeing a counselor. My husband is a good man and I have always been true to him. Sometimes, people just grow apart. He is being very patient with me and I have been very honest with him about my feelings. So, I will do what is right for all involved. I think this forum is a great place for people to express their feelings. I wasn’t looking for your approval….or judgment….I get enough of that already.

  382. 382
    Anonymous Says:

    #380….this is 379….you are absolutely right. I am very familiar with the old adage “once a cheater, always a cheater”….I am not being a coward. This is the first time in my life that I am owning up to issues that I have never addressed. That takes courage. Everything is out in the open with my husband. He recognizes that things are not right in our marriage and he is supporting me in whatever I decide. If you knew me, you would be shocked that I am doing this. I am a person who has always taken care of everyone else. In the process, I forgot to listen to what I need. So, instead of judging and calling names, just be happy for yourself that you are so perfect.

  383. 383
    Anonymous Says:

    382 yes that’s also a standard issue justification from many cheaters. The “I am a really good person but I have always taken care of others and never myself until now the first time.” The funny thing is that what you are doing is not rocket science–I would guess that many of the things you have said to yourself and to your husband are phrases you could google and come up with direct hits of anguished people who’ve been told the same by their spouses. Its just a really simple template. Search phrases like “I love you but I am not IN LOVE with you and “we have simply grown apart” and things like. Every time I have a friend that is getting a divorce and was told by their spouse “I love you but I am not IN LOVE with you I cringe knowing their is a freight train barreling down on them and that their spouse is running around on them and being unfaithful.

    Bottom line–how about just facing up to what you are doing and calling it what it is. You are cheating on your spouse and causing someone you purport to care about harm.

  384. 384
    Anonymous Says:

    383…yes, I have faced what I am doing. I am cheating on my husband by having an emotional affair. I have googled to my heart’s content. I hear what you’re saying. You are right about everything. Does that make you feel better? Because the truth is, if I felt all right about what I was doing, I wouldn’t go to the trouble of responding to you. Have you ever looked at the other side? Obviously, this happens to many people. Are you saying that everyone who has cheated or wants to cheat is a bad person? I think that’s what you’re saying. Well, I believe that people make mistakes and that doesn’t make them bad people. I am a good person. I am staying right now to make everyone else happy. My husband chooses to let me stay. I have been completely honest with him. I am in the process of trying to find happiness in other ways since I know I will probably never get to be with my true love because of judgmental people like you. Don’t you think the people cheating feel anguish? I know I do. I don’t expect you to understand. Thanks for your comments.

  385. 385
    Anonymous Says:

    Number 384…I feel you. At one point, I had a black-and-white view of affairs. I am a product of an affair (bio dad was married, mom was single), and to this day, I still hate that fact.

    I’ve been with the same man for eight and a half years; we got married at the eight-year mark, and broke up on two occasions: 4 years into our relationship, and again at the six year mark. Seven years in, I got back in contact with an old school friend. I’d had a crush on him back in the day, but I didn’t think any feelings had lasted. I wasn’t sure why I had gotten in contact with him, but periodically over the years, I had thought of him. Mostly fleeting thoughts, so that’s what I initially attributed my need to talk to him with.

    Anyway, a few months into talking, he and I wound up having an affair. We’ve done so four times, since, and even when we don’t see each other, we have a lot of…questionable conversations. I’m still shocked by my own actions. Believe me when I say, infidelity is something I NEVER would have done at any other point in my relationship, even surrounding the break ups.

    Now, I understand that the beginning feelings, the “cloud nine” effect, can and will wear off. But the fact of the matter is, this friend and I have gone through hell and back since this all started. I’m someone he always wanted to be with, but never had the chance to tell me until recently (we had lost contact after school, and until last year, couldn’t find each other). He dated someone else, a few months in, which nearly broke me. The back and forth with our shadow relationship has taken quite a toll.

    Six years into my legit relationship, my now husband woke up, after a night of drinking (he’s in the military, and was several hours away at the time) in someone else’s bed. We don’t know for certain he actually cheated, but he told me to treat it as such.

    I feel twice as guilty, knowing he told me the truth instantly, and yet, I haven’t told him anything. I feel terrible, in the fact I’m being unfaithful…it feels wrong, when I think of that…but it feels so right, when I’m with this person.

    Now, the infidelity aside, there has been talk of divorcing my husband, and once the dust settles (I expect there will be a lot; even if no one knows about the affair, I expect many friends and family members to be critical-something that makes the decision more daunting). My husband has known for several months how I feel about this other person, and knows that things may very well end between us. Like the article pointed out, I do have an attachment to my current relationship, and there’s certainly fear of leaving him, of the hurt that will follow for both of us. I do care for him…a great deal. But I feel my love for my friend is not temporary, and that if I don’t take a chance on a new relationship, I’ll regret it.

    He and I both came to the conclusion we were meant to be together; even my husband thinks the same…and yet, he feels I am the only person meant for him. This literally breaks me, on so many levels. But, I can’t end the affair; I can’t give up on my friend…

    When I got married, it was ill-timed. I had reservations, so yes, it was foolish of me to enter into matrimony. My husband knew this, too. I don’t blame him, but he does bear some of the responsibility. For the better majority of our relationship, we’ve been struggling. My fire for him died out quickly, even though I still love him. We have a five-year-old daughter, which further complicates things. I can’t stay; I know I can’t. It wouldn’t be fair to me, my daughter, nor my husband; I’d still be pining for another. I know this, for a fact.

    I’ve never been more lost in my life…so to those of you who have a black and white view? Please, grow up. Understand that no part of this is easy…yes, some affairs are extremely fool-hardy. People who specifically target married men or women are despicable…but what if the person you truly love just happens to be taken? What if you’re with someone because you started young, and really believed it would be forever…only to realize the person who would make you happiest isn’t your partner? I’m not saying I condone cheating…but nor can I condemn it, now that I’ve been there. I want to confess to my husband…but at the same time, I’m scared. Not for me, but for him…I hate deception, but once it was started…I knew not how to stop it.

  386. 386
    Anonymous Says:

    Number 385….this is number 384…thank you for your words. Just when I think I know what I’m going to do, things get more complicated. My husband came home and said I should go see my guy. He would even buy my plane ticket. He doesn’t understand it, but he knows it is tearing me apart. I haven’t seen my love for 37 years, so my husband thinks if I just go see him, I will realize that he isn’t for me and then maybe we have a chance. He doesn’t realize that my love and I have had a connection all of our lives. He doesn’t know that we Skype and we already know we have something too good to let go. BUT, then my family gets involved and tells me they can’t believe I would do this to my husband. They tell me I must be mentally ill because they don’t recognize me anymore. I feel like I am thinking clearly for the first time in my whole life! The truth is, I have been missing something in my life for so long. I didn’t know what it was until I got in contact with my old friend. My husband kept buying me things to make me happy. It worked for a while, but I still felt empty. I know how it sounds. I can’t stand being this person. I just want to be happy and stop living my life for everyone else. My mom says I am very selfish and I should be ashamed for letting my husband do all the nice things he has done for me. He wanted to do those things for me. I just don’t know where this is going to go. I know what I want to do. I am taking one day at a time. My family thinks I have no regard for my husband’s feelings. They are so far off. He is my cherished friend. I wish I could feel more for him, but that feeling has been gone for many, many years. I stayed because it was the right thing to do. Do I really have to continue living my life like this? It is so nice to hear that someone understands the anguish I feel. So, those of you who say I should leave because it’s not fair to my husband…..my answer to you is…He doesn’t want me to leave! He doesn’t want a divorce. He wants me. I am staying right now to please everyone else….not me. It I did what I wanted to do, I would pack my bags and go to my friend….I wouldn’t look back…only ahead.

  387. 387
    Anonymous Says:

    Hey number 384, this is 385.

    I know it’s hard, especially after all these years. But, it would be better to leave. Your husband doesn’t want you to, but it would be better for both of you if you did. Unless he can deal with sharing you with another man (and assuming your love could deal with that, too) then it would be better to divorce, than to keep holding on, just to make everyone else happy.

    After all, you can’t make other people happy, if you yourself, are not happy. You can, to a certain extent…but it wears down with time. Your unhappiness will eventually put a shroud over everything else; it’s not something you can help, unless you change the way things are, now.

    There’s nothing easy about the decision, and it will take time to heal…but in this case, I really think it’s the best thing you can do. It’s not good for your health, and even though your husband is being understanding, he doesn’t know the whole story. The affair isn’t fair to him, or your love. And by extension, because it’s been so difficult for you, it’s not fair to you, either.

    I wish you the best in your endeavour. Mine will come to an end as soon as humanly possible. I can’t live this double life forever; I can’t continue to cause misery to my husband, nor myself; I can’t expect my affair partner to keep waiting, either. Yes, I’ll need time, between the divorce and entering a new relationship…but, I am set on being with him. After all the struggle of trying to hold on and make things better in my legit relationship, I know there’s no more that can be done. It’s not my husband’s fault, and regardless of my affair, I’d still need to go down this course. At the end of this course, I want to take a chance with my AP. If it works, all the better. If not, at least I won’t be causing further pain to my husband. He deserves more than that.

    I’m sure if you think in those terms about your husband, you’ll come to a decision. Also, I recommend joining a site called Loveshack.org. I joined it a few days ago, and it’s done a world of good; especially with all the stuff I can’t tell to anyone else. Maybe it can help you, too.

  388. 388
    Anonymous Says:

    Hi Number 385. This is 384 again. Thank you so much for your words of advice. I know what you are saying is right. I just have so much time invested that it is hard to walk away. I never want to disappoint or hurt anyone and that seems to be all I am doing lately. I know I will make the right decision for me. I don’t want to cause my husband or my love any further pain, so this has to end soon. Thanks again and best of luck to you. I wish I knew you in real life!

  389. 389
    Anonymous Says:

    Hey 384, this is 385, again. You’re welcome. We’re in a similar situation, so I felt I wanted to help you, as well.

    It’s a difficult road, but I’m sure we’ll both do what is necessary to make everything better. Best of luck to you, on your journey. I really do hope it works out in a way that makes it better for everyone involved.

  390. 390
    Anonymous Says:

    To both of you above my wife had an affair on me. We divorced VERY quickly after my discovery of the affair and I think it had been an EA for only a month or so and they happened to be in the same group that went on an Int’l trip together where it turned physical.

    The short of it is you should see my ex’s eyes these days. She married her soul mate of course after we got divorced. People stop me and ask me whats the matter with your ex is she sick? I don’t know. We don’t talk. Her husband is 4 years younger than me. He looks 4 years older. Just think about this stuff is all I am saying. Just think. They don’t seem to be enjoying their new life together and they have been together for 4 years now.

  391. 391
    Anonymous Says:

    Hi 390. This is 384. First of all, I am very sorry about what your wife did. Thank you for your advice. I have taken a step back and am focusing on loving myself. I realize that things won’t work out with my husband as long as my love is involved and I realize things won’t work out with my love if I don’t face issues within myself first. I am trying to figure out what the best thing for me is. My heart tells me to go be with my love. He is calling me with his heart. I feel him every moment of every day. My husband wants what is best for me even if it doesn’t end up being him in the end. We have talked more in the past month than we have in a year. We realize we made many mistakes in our marriage that ultimately led us to this point. So, 390….yes, I want to be able to look in the mirror and know I did everything I could do before I move on with my life. My love doesn’t understand if I love him so much why I’m not with him. I have explained to him that when I come to him, it will be with an open heart and a clear conscience. We are not talking right now because he knows I have to work through this on my own. My longing for him will never go away. Once again, thank you for your words. I hope you have a good life.

  392. 392
    Anonymous Says:

    Im in a shitty situation as well. Married to my wife for 9 years and together for 16. We have two wonderful children 11 and 6 and on april 31 2013 I caught my wife red handed in his house in bed with him. I knew something was off for over a month because when you know someone. ..you know someone. I knew she was doing something bur couldn’t confirm so I reluctantly bought a gps unit and tagged her car. Started asking simply how is your day and where are you? She started getting ULTRA defensive and saying why am I investigating so much!? Really? You used to say I never call you during the day and used to tell me EVERYTHING you did that day now only one word answers. Come to find out I was right and after 2 days of crying and begging her not to break up my family. ..she became unremorsful and cruel…like I spoiled her fun. Wtf. Im no perfect man but if she talked to me I would have done ANYTHING to make it right. She has a personality that is never satisfied and after getting her RN license and landing a corporate job as a professional liason for hospice..she fell into the trap. Always dressed up sexy and going to luncheons and meeting people because that’s what her job entailed. She is 32 I am 36 and we have just come to a point where life is easier now that she makes good $$ and is contributing in a big way now to our family and im sooo proud of her. So why the affair!?? Claimsbi was verbally abusive to her and yes I have a potty mouth but damn…I don’t deserve this. She comes from a broken family and her mom has done the same to her father..and her father has never been around for her…I know she’s hurt.My 11 year old son is devastated as now he thinks mom lies about everything. ..which she kind of does because she moved everything out of our house into her moms and is continuing a sexual full blown (but still kind of secretive because she hasn’t told everyone) relationship with this man doing threesomes and all kinds of stuff. I know. Ive recorded conversations and everything. ..down to video footage of her from a p.i. because I suspected drug use. I am demoralized to the point of just saying f it and killing them both but I cant because of my children. They need a strong true parent to see them through this while mommy is not mommy and is living a single life. I told my wife I dont believe in divorces and if she wants out she can start papers. She does nothing so im taking charge as hard as it is and I started paperwork. Ive gotten a new townhouse that I move into in two weeks and have served her papers. She asks “why are you rushing”!? Omg really!? Im not a doormat..I love my wife unconditionally but to be lied to pathologically and be continually slapped in the face like this with no remorse for me or my children. ..I gotta go…but I still in my heart ache to death that she wants to leave. I love her to death and I said I was rushing because I cant take it anymore. I can still look in the mirror and go to sleep at night and more importantly look into my children’s eyes and see that they know who is the truthful one and the one who is protecting them the most. Kills me to see my children so hurt. I love my wife..she should’ve at least given it a chance instead of bailing..no commitment

  393. 393
    Anonymous Says:

    For the most part I have always had someone special in my life. Oddly enough I have always felt alone.

    My last significant relationship ended three years ago after being together for seven and the last year we were engaged to be married. She ended it with me one night while we were lying in bed together when I asked her if we should send out save the date cards. I hadn’t taken much initiative in the wedding planing previously and even then I understood that my question couldn’t have been more loaded.
    She wasn’t ready to be honest with me and began to tell me that she wasn’t ready to get married but didn’t want to lose me. The next two months I tried to correct everything that was wrong with our relationship, which was pointless.
    She avoided me unless she needed something from me. I finally got the chance to talk to her and we just sat next to each other silently on our deck chain smoking until I asked her why? She couldn’t even make eye contact when she began to list a few vague reasons why we were not going to make any further effort to repair our relationship. I started to make my plea and then I noticed that she had no intention of trying any longer.
    I asked her if she had found someone else, she started crying and nodded her head yes. I immediately blurted out his name and she denied it and told me a bunch of lies to divert my attention from him, but I knew exactly who it was.
    I calmly asked for my ring back and she started crying uncontrollably. At the time I couldn’t understand why.
    Once she calmed down I told her I was planing on moving out at the end of the month and I insisted that we slept in separate beds going further.
    I was devastated and my whole world was falling apart.
    I took a hard, honest look at myself and realized I wasn’t the least bit happy and I was the only person that could change that. I started exercising and worked on improving what I could and tried to be at peace with the problems could not fix. The next three weeks were hell but I found another place to live and I continued to work on feeling better. At first I would wake up every night a few hours after I attempted to go to sleep in my bed soaked with sweat and unable to go back to sleep. I didn’t have any contact with my ex for about six months and the one day I got a text asking when I was going to remove the rest of my belongings from her home. I sent her a reply stating that since she refused to discuss what was mine and what was hers before I moved out, I simply took what I thought was fair and had no intentions of coming back. I asked her to never contact me again.
    The following months I fantasized what our next interaction would be like, I wanted to show her that wasn’t the same person that was so easily deceived. I made several positive changes in my life and met some one new and after a while just didn’t think about it so much anymore.
    The funny thing is on my second anniversary ( falls on the home opener for the Braves, yeah my new girlfriend is super awesome) we went to the game and had a great time. The next day I got a call from a mutual friend that works with my ex and she informed me that I made eye contact with my ex and ran away. I laughed and told our friend that I hadn’t noticed her at all. At that moment I knew everything had worked out the way it was always meant to be. I knew that she no longer had any power over me and I was a better person than I was before what I perceived was the worst moment in my life.
    As far as I know her relationship is going well, so I guess good came from her affair.

  394. 394
    Anonymous Says:

    This is an interesting article…

    I met my current girlfriend about 8 months ago through work. She was 19 years old and had just gotten married to a 32 year old through the Mormon Church… Yikes right?! Her family is composed of strong adherents to that particular faith and his is as well… She struggled with the religion most of her life and couldn’t swallow it until she was going through a very lonely period in her life where the “Happy Go Lucky” Mormons swooped in and caught her up… Within less than two months she was engaged to this guy.

    I had just gone through a divorce and had moved back to my hometown as a result. One night about 5 months ago and at work, one of my co workers pulled me aside and said that I should talk to “A” because she’s struggling with something very similar to what I had. Lo and behold after several long , completely platonic conversations I had discovered that this girl was working 60-70 hours a week and supporting her husband who was working 4 hours a week then drinking and smoking pot during the rest of the week. She never had a physical attraction to him, couldn’t even get turned on by sex with him and he blew most of their savings on music equipment because he selfishly had stars in his eyes.

    As we got to know each other better on a friendly level we both started to fall for each other over the next month or so. She is extremely attractive and often says that she feels the same way about me, plus we connect and communicate on a extremely deep and comfortable level… I’ve never felt anything like it.

    She eventually kicked him out of the house and we started seeing each other on a pretty regular basis.. 5-6 times a week; however, whenever I was with her I would notice her phone blowing up with calls and text messages often in the middle of the night… Sometimes I would wake up to her texting on the phone right next to me. She started to withdraw from me, which made me feel very insecure.

    One morning while she was asleep I snooped in her phone and found not only text messages between her and her husband “I miss you”… “God meant for us to be together”… “”You can fall in love with me over time” (him… Although she also said that she missed him; however, as a friend in her life)… But I also found flirty texts to another guy…I approached her and she dismissed everything as out of context, assured me that she was in love with me and over the next week I struggled with the thought that her heart was elsewhere and religious pressures were getting to her.

    One night at the end of that week… We were texting on the phone and she seemed distracted, quick and there were long intervals between texts… I knew something was going on. She was staying at her parents house and I drove over there to find her husband’s car in the driveway… I blew up because that morning we had made love and she had continued to string me along through that night.

    After a week of struggling with whether or not she wanted to go back to her husband, and continually lying about seeing him to me… she chose to commit to me. She said that she had never felt this way about someone else, she was intensely physically attracted to me and didn’t want to lose what we both are convinced is a deep and profound love of each other… She told me tht her family and religious pressures had surmounted long assaults on her and the thought that I would never trust her hurt her so bad that she had gone back to him.

    Well now we are a month later and we have both fully committed ourselves to each other but I am having issues trusting her even in the littlest things. She goes a a friends house and I don’t believe that is where she’s going, she goes for a drive while I’m finishing up work and all I think is that she’s off with some other dude. I talk to her about my feelings and sometimes I’ll become really accusatory and upset… This makes her start balling her eyes out and she says that it devastates her hen I assume she’s not committed to me. She told me awhile back that when her husband asked if she was seing someone else that she straight up told the truth the first time. Everytime I ask her she says that I’m the only one.

    How can I get to a place where I no longer put this love in jeopardy? Will time together heal this? Should we end this because it can never work? Does anyone have similar experiences or stories?

  395. 395
    Anonymous Says:

    I really really really need some advice! I have been married for 3 years and we have a 2 year old. I have been unhappy in this marriage for a while. I love the caring side of my husband that comes through every now and then and I know he loves me, would never leave me or cheat on me. When we met we fell in love so fast, got engaged and married within a year, and had our son 6 months later. We have been struggling to make each other happy for a long time and I keep trying to tell my husband what I need from him to be happy however he does not make any effort to make me happy. Im not sure if this is just a phase but it has been going on for a long time. he can be so nasty to me but I am to him too. there is so much anger and hate in this marriage yet I feel like I still love him but now it is unbearable. He is older than me and wants to live a different life than I do. I am adventurous and spontaneous whilst he is a homebody. I want someone who shares these passions with me. the only passion he has is weed and video games. he is so wrapped up in his own head and I cant get through to him. he had a very tough childhood and he continually tells me that this is why the way he is. I keep telling him im miserable and he is now in therapy to try and get himself together. but I think in my heart that its too late for me. I have told him I want him to move out so we can separate for a while. This is where my big problem comes in. I am currently having an emotional affair with a friend I have known for 4 and a half years. We almost got together once but he had to move away. we speak all the time, several times a day. he listens to me and cares for me and my welfare. I cant remember the last time my husband made me feel cared for. I have very low self esteem and I think my husband reinforces this by his lack of interest in me. he is negative and drags me down. I want to be understanding and give him a chance since he is the father of my child but at the same time, the thought of spending the rest of my life with him is so depressing to me. I know I am never going to have the kind of life I want. unless he changes drastically. I am about to start therapy to try and figure all of this out because I don’t want to make a mistake. I know my husband truly loves me despite my flaws and im worried my friend will find out all my flaws and change his mind. do I risk this for a chance at happiness? we have so much in common, a similar outlook on life and similar goals. he makes me feel happy and positive for the future.He is coming to visit in a month so I am going to separate from my husband soon and do some soul searching and see what happens when my friend gets here. It terrifies me to think I am falling in love with him. I don’t want anyone to get hurt but I know it will destroy my husband to lose his family. I almost want him to meet someone else so I can leave without guilt. When I tell people we are having problems they all say well once you have a child its really hard but you will work it out. but im not sure we will. ive lost all hope with him. can anyone give me their opinion on this? it is hard to be objective when I am so confused.

  396. 396
    Anonymous Says:

    I was married for 8yrs, had cervical cancer stage 3b last yr and all trough the treatment and before it my so called husband was having an affair. We have two young kids and 6wks after I finished treatment, which entailed 2mths in hospital away from my family the scum walked out and went straight to live with the whore he was having an affair with.So don’t give excuses for infidelity and man up, grow a bloody pair and leave if you aren’t happy. Cowards take the easy way out and leave others to pick up the pieces of the mess they leave behind.

  397. 397
    Anonymous Says:

    #65 – Then LEAVE if your marriage isn’t enough for you, but DON’T drag other people into it – especially if the other person also has a spouse. No one is telling you you have to stay.

  398. 398
    Anonymous Says:

    I am in a relationship with a married man. He has been married for 21 years courted her for 2 years before … they were high school sweethearts … they have 2 kids one 17 and the other 7 … they have been emotionally disconnected with each other for about 8 – 10 years and did everything to revive things … the 2nd kid was the outcome of this, they dint plan on… I met this man a year ago through work and we just spent the night talking n holding each other before he flew back home. we have since been together virtually for just over a year, absolutely emotionally connected. he came down to see me after a year of being together and we clcked magically as we always had .. we know each other pretty well as we spend a lot of time … he went back n confessed to her hoping she would end things simply because they fight and hold on to past financial mistakes(mostly her) and that causes never ending arguments .. they went through counselling etc but dint work. now that he has confessed she wants them to start on a clean slate and if things went back to old ways they would end it is what is agreed. although she is doing everything she possibly can physically and emotionally to make him stay n she knows how weak he is about emotions … he has decided to give her this last chance to fix things and I am hopelessly holding on to this knowing they are going to make it work as he wouldn’t let go unless she does and she wouldn’t as there is a lot at stake, family, kids, financials, social commitments etc. I did decide to wait to see how it goes but doesn’t help me in anyway … while he talks to me he is very clear he loves me and wants to be with me but the moment he goes to her he does everything she asks for … including limiting contact with me . she wants him to absolutely stop talking to me .. he has told her he loves me and wont be able to switch off straight away … and she gets that … but this isn’t easy for me as I am absolutely and entirely in love and I know he is too but I also know he loves her and wants to come to me only if she lets go and he gives her all the honest chance she deserves since the confession … Help !

  399. 399
    Anonymous Says:

    This is for 398, you need to get out the way, and let them work it out and/or get the divorce. But that is their business. stay out until they decide what they want. He is married!

  400. 400
    Anonymous Says:

    Agree with the last comment. That girl needs to back off and stop trying so hard to wreck people’s lives he’s married! And he’s someone’s husband! Geez

  401. 401
    Anonymous Says:

    Thank you 323. Your words made me feel better. I have been married for 16 years and my husband has been having an on and off again affair for about 10 months. I just recently found out that she is pregnant. He says their affair is over, however they have been texting and what is being said shows me they are still having an affair. We don’t live in the same country anymore as the other person. This helps some. My husband is torn between me and our two young kids and this other person that is going to have his baby. He feels he has to keep her “happy” so he can see the baby so he carries on with her. I think it’s a poor excuse. I have given a dead line for him to make things right before I make the decision to leave. What I mean by making things right is, either telling this other person that he is focusing on me and our marriage and will be there only for the child, or tell me he wants to be with her and their new baby or he wants to be by himself.
    Yes my husband is to blame for allowing this person into our lives, however I do put some blame on her too. She knew he was married with kids. I even had several talks with her and asked her why would she get involved with a married man. She told me her heart is more important than my marriage. Through some emails I read, she says she is concerend about my husband’s children. This angered me!!! She is not concerned. Why would she come into my family and try to pull apart my kids family? She is selfish. She tells my husband that if she can’t be with my husband that she wants him to sign away his parental rights. Then the next week she says she doesn’t want the child and wants to give it up for adoption. When my husband says he will raise the child, she says she doesn’t want him to have it. While all this craziness is going on my husband is still calling her, emailing her and texting her telling her he loves her and misses her. And she is doing the same. Then next week it will be different again.
    I am so hurt. Cheating hurts everyone!!! Including extended family. Our families are hurt by this whole thing. If you are not happy with the person you are with then leave. Be honest and have enough respect and love in your heart to tell your spouse you no longer want to be with them. You owe it to your spouse to tell them the truth. If you are thinking about getting involved with a married person. Don’t!!! Let the married person get out out of their marriage first. Have enough respect for yourself and the person you so called love to let them do what they need to do for their happienss. Don’t be selfish. It’s hurts too many lives including your own.

  402. 402
    Anonymous Says:

    I agree with the comments on cheating is terrible!!!! it hurts so many innocent people. I have had 2 marriages and both were destroyed by cheating men.. that did not or would not communicate with me. My first marriage I had 3 small children. My second marriage 1 child. but the men and the women that want to participate in the ugly behavior.. are selfish, stupid, and insecure.. and lazy cowards. with crazy egos. and the women my ex’s chose left them both… so cheating does not work.. you are chasing a ghost… I don’t understand why people get married, if they do not want to commit and work on it.. Yes MARRIAGE is work.. but the payoff is well WORTH IT!!! Instead of running from woman to woman.. and from man to man… grow up people.. There are diseases out there, and condoms do break and don’t always work. when do you become mature ADULTS…????

  403. 403
    Anonymous Says:

    My wife left me for her rich boss. We have two children a girl 7 and a boy 4. Her ap is also married with two young kids. He also owns the company she works for. Since the affair started her pay has increase 100 percent. I have not made a ton of money but I’ve always managed to make income while being the one who primarily handles the kids when she travels which is alot. I am in the entertainment industry which is volatile at best but I did have a project launch 2 years ago and when it did we were worth 11 mil on paper. So it’s not like I’ve been sitting on my butt. But since the project lost funding I’ve been struggling to make ends meet. Of course I still have the primary responsibility for the kids because of her schedule. We ended up having to sell the house and when we began the process the other man hit on her an the affair began.

    It’s been devstating to me because for te entire 13 years we’ve felt really great. We’ve had 5 engagement parties for our friends in our backyard. We’ve been in 6 weddings together. We’re god parents to 3 kids together. Basically our lives and marriage has been instrumental in almost all of the friendships in our life and their own relationships. We talked every night for hours. This is not an exaggeration. We both like to have a few drinks after the kids go to bed and unfortunately we also have a few cigarettes. And while we know its a bad habit I always felt the nightly hours of conversation made our marriage as strong as ever.
    So three months ago she gets caught having the affair. It was a total shock. At first she begged me to forgive her which I did, everybody makes mistakes. I told her she needed to cut it off with the guy which she said she would. But they work together and we needed her income. That was a bad decision on my part but stupidly I thought I was still dealing with my wonderful wife. Unfortunately the OM kept persueing her. Even after I called him and told him to back off so I could repair my family which he agreed to do. A month went by and she slowly pulled away putting through he’ll and slowly turning me into a total mess.
    Now we’re divorcing and she’s back to fully communicating with this man. She says he’s getting a divorce as well but it’s complicated because of his finances an the fact neither of them are citizens and she could take the kids back to Australia. She has totally changed. She treats me like crap. Acts like she’s better than me and calls me childish when I exhibit any kind of anger over the situation. But I’m no doormat. I have my attorney on speed dial, and plenty of evidence to wreck her whole professional life if she goes totally insane (who takes naked shots with their face in them???).

    I’d still like to save my family but in my limited experience when someone goes this direction there is no other alternative but for her to see it through. If she stayed shed always wonder what could’ve been with him. When someone makes the decision to withdraw and an affair results their guilt accompanied by the intense feelings from a new relationship make it impossible to go any other way. My depression after the fact only compounds the issue.

    People have said it a million times here. Marriage is a choice. You loved once and well. Life, kids and finances will put any marriage into slumps where one or both think life might be better with someone else. The reality is the cheating spouse is right. Life with someone else who’s new and has no real life issues for you is better. For now. Might even be true love down the road. But just like your current relationship it will have all the normal issues that every relationship that has ended in your life prior have had. That is what marriage is supposed to support. You make a commitment to forgo the new intense relationship cycle to build a lasting relationship with someone you trust and care for. Along the way you will have the same ups and downs that ended other relationships but you’re committed to getting through tough times. When you do you’re better off for it. Your kids are better off for it. I would say your soul is better for it as well. When you leave you may feel better, alot better for a good amount of time, and you might even potentially be happier. But eventually you end up in the same place you’re in now at a crossroads trying to figure out if you should stay or go. Eventually if you’re going to have the relationship that is really fulfilling at some point you’ll need to suck it up and stick it out.

    Hopefully people will read this and make the choice to stick it out before they bust up a wonderful family.

  404. 404
    Anonymous Says:

    There is no excuse for adultery of any kind . You made a lifelong committment when you married , for better or worse , good times and bad , richer or poorer. Love changes and evolves the longer you are married . Marriage and love takes committment , loyalty and work and excellent communication . I believe if you are married and loved openly and honestly. Love does not die , it can be rekindled .
    Any woman who enters into an affair with a married man is dis honoring herself and her fellow woman . She is selfish and self centered and delusional thinking he isn’t lying to her and his spouse . I feel the same goes for the man . You do everything you can to save what you have or you dissolve it before you move on . The adulterous husband always rewrites history to justify his behavior ! The ignorant mistress believes him . ! I was married for thirty three years and found out my ex was having an affair for thirteen years maybe longer with a woman who touts her bond with god but destroyed our family . There has been so much grief hurt and abandonment to last a lifetime . How can you cause such pain to the spouse who gave you love loyalty and fidelity for a lifetime ! That’s narcisstic and selfish , !

  405. 405
    Anonymous Says:

    I have been married for 8 years. As always we started off in a whirlwind. However we also had plenty of serious arguements. She confided in me when we were dating that she was bipolar and struggled with depression. She had seen therapists and taken medication but always felt that the meds made her feel like a zombie and that she did not beleive that therapy was any help. Of course early on we were very happy, and she was happy it seemed with me. But roughly over the past 5 years it has become an emotional rollercoaster with happy times then arguements to the point of divorce discussions and even mentioning of suicide from her.
    I have tried many times over the past 5 or so years to get her to go to counciling and also to get her to come with me to counciling to help correct or repair the issues in our marriage. She of course has always refused due to her feelings around therapy.
    I have always been a firm beleiver in leave before you cheat. However we have been drifting further and further apart to the point where there is more distance between us than connection. We both question if we love each other anymore or if we are just habit. However when either of us make the move to leave, either fear of the unknown, fear of the loss, or (on my end) fear of what she might consider doing has caused us to stay.
    Over the past 8 months I found myself playing games on my phone that actually allow chatting to your opponent. Through this I began talking to people online and began talking specificly to this one woman. Over the past 3 months the relationship has gotten to be very intense. We share the same ideals, politics, tastes, activities… with the risk of sounding cheesy it seems a perfect match. She is married as well though has not felt connected to her spouse in a long time. She does love him. Because we thought our connection might be false due to it being online we agreed to test it in real life. We met with the intention of just talking and seeing if there was still as strong a feeling. This ultimately ended up with us kissing, but kissing only. We live 9 hrs apart so it was easy to take things slow to just see what would happen… This was until her husband saw a text from me on her phone.
    I have reluctantly told her that I will agree to disappear. She wants to attempt to work on her marriage to see if she can salvage it. I am to the point where I do not think I can salvage mine, although my wife does not know anything. I am trying to decide if I want to confess all… as I know that would end it, or if I want to try to end it more amicably without revealing. I am still completely head over heals for this other woman but am trying to do the right thing by letting her work out her own relationship. We have deleted the apps we used to contact each other and those accounts… The heartbreaking thing is that I know I have to leave her alone but how do I ever move on myself… without knowing if she was able to make her marriage work or if there was a chance for us. So i’m just here in limbo now… a cheater, in a failing marrage, inlove with a married woman… who I quite possibly may never see again (I know I know, break out the violins).

  406. 406
    Anonymous Says:

    I’m glad I found this. I have been married over 14 years and have been thinking of leaving for awhile. We have 2 kids and I did not want to put them through the trauma of a separation. I made other changes in my life to see if it could improve the situation and it didn’t. Recently I met someone and it is amazing. In a short time I feel like I have known them forever. I realize I was accepting being unhappy as not being miserable. I also realize I need to leave for me and not for them. While I am still struggling with the decision because of the kids I am glad to see if I do leave I can make the new relationship work.

  407. 407
    Anonymous Says:

    This is hilarious! You whiny babies! Oh, I don’t see skyrockets, I’m bored….. well, CREATE something instead of an affair!!!

    What excites you in an affair, whether the interests, conversations, the pain and sorrow, why not share it with your spouse?

    Start anew!

    Change what you both don’t like, excite and fire up what you do like! You are supposed to be best friends. Act like it!

    The problem is you not your spouse. You are damaged. Take a long look in the mirror of reality and see what really is!

    Add spice to the bland routine. Be positive, be cooperative, respectful and joyful and things will be as you wish.

    Endings are hard. Don’t eat the dessert before the meal.

    Self control and civility separates use from the animals.

  408. 408
    Anonymous Says:

    407 soooooooo true. It is funny, I was married for 18 years and there were times I was really down on my wife and my marriage. One time I was traveling for business in one of these situations and I was really considering meeting another woman for a date and an expected walk back to my hotel room following for a romp in the hay. I started planning the date in my head and what we’d do and how I’d go to extra effort to sweep her off her feet figuratively and literally. I called ahead at the restaurant we were going and researched their wine selection and asked for seating in advance in a nice part of the restaurant and made sure the waitstaff would treat us like royalty– then I thought of it all and thought “WTH– you don’t go to this kind of trouble for your wife and your dates with her– are you telling me you are gonna do this for a near stranger but not your wife?” I didn’t go on that date and applied the same principle whenever I felt things were stale or I was not getting satisfied with our relationship.

  409. 409
    Anonymous Says:

    I have a unique situation. I have been married for 25 years. Last year, I saw on Facebook through my sister’s page (I do not personally have a page) the page of my first love. We dated for two years and he was my first of absolutely everything. We were young when we dated, and that was why we broke up, to date other people (in high school). I knew he lived out of state, and on his page he mistakenly listed his cell number for another person. Seeing it, I innocently texted him to say hello and ask how his family was. We started talking and I learned that he and his wife were separated. Of course, the exchange of phone calls, texts, and e-mails only brought back all those old feelings, and intensified them even more. We had the opportunity to be together on three occasions, and every time I was with him, he made me feel amazing. Part of the problem is that my husband and I had not had sex for 3 ½ years (his doing not mine, as I would always ask. I had also asked my husband to see his doctor to see if it could be low T). This went on for 11 months. Breaking it off has been the hardest thing I have ever done. I really want to be with him. He says he wants to be with me as well. I have two adult children but his are teen and pre-teen. If we were to be together, I would have to give up everything to be with him; and yet I am still considering it. I don’t want to hurt my husband, but I wonder with our past connection, is it something that actually can/will work. I cry every day for this man, and the tears are no less than the first day we decided to stop our communication. I just don’t know if I am fooled by what I can have with this man or not. If so, then how do I move on with my husband?

  410. 410
    Anonymous Says:

    407 – Easier said than done when your husband has no desire to be with you physically in the first place and thinks there is nothing wrong with your relationship.

  411. 411
    Anonymous Says:

    I was married for seven years with two children. I am now divorced, and started dating a married man. I went out with him to alleviate my feelings of loneliness, and so I could forget the emotional pain from my failed marriage. Then, I realized that I am not comfortable in a hidden relationship. As a result, I talked to him that he and I should not see each other anymore because of how I feel. In the end, someone will eventually get hurt if we continue in this relationship. I started dating a younger man from his work. This man showed off to him by placing his shoulder around me, so he would leave me alone. I regret that I went out with the married man, and for not seeing the bigger picture. I realized the feeling of deperation had placed me in more unwanted situation. I’m not in a real relationship with the other man, but at least he is single. I feel bad for hurting the married man because he made me feel wanted and appreciated. However, I had the thoughts that I need to end the affair because it will only produce NOTHING but UNWANTED result. I’m not proud of what I have done, and I’ll think of the affair as a learning lesson especially when looking FOR A LONG AND LASTING RELATIONSHIP. I learned that I should love myself more by addressing my personal needs first before getting in to relationship.

  412. 412
    Anonymous Says:

    My ex took off with his mistress while I was at home with baby. She portrayed to him she was this young fun girl lol she got pregnant straight away and is demanding marriage bearly 23 I have never seen him so miserable in my life. What a mess he has made and all his family think he is a twit. Looks like Divorce number 2 soon and child support for the rests of his life. KARMA

  413. 413
    Anonymous Says:

    I’ve read a few of these post and I find many similarities in my life with others on this site. I scoff at those who contribute sarcastic, judgmental, post, obviously they have not endured a miserable marriage! I was married for 21 years to an extremely selfish woman. Yes, like so many marriages in their beginning there was hope and dreams. However, I became the expeditor of her ambition, or lack there of. To those of you who read my words my sin was resentment and a pure lack of respect for my spouse. The last seven years of my marriage all I could do is fantasize about being single and living alone, I never wanted anything to do with another woman, ever! I am a peace officer and I never stepped out on my spouse until after getting shot dealing with drug traffickers. My wife did not care. One month after my injury my mother died and mentally I began preparing to leave. Its a tough decision when there are children involved. One day during all the pretrial defense motioning I met a woman who had worked in the court. I have never met her before, but for some strange feeling during our first encounter the feelings of being alone most of my life were gone. I am a very analytical person so I was very confused about this attraction. Anyway, I come to learn she felt the same way. Over time I had learned she had made the mistake of marrying her rebound boyfriend after a long crappy marriage. She had been married for less than two years when we had met. To illustrate where I was in life at the time, I can say I was honestly not looking for anyone to fulfill any of my needs, I was only relying on myself. I informed this woman my marriage was at its end and I would love to explore our connection if she was going to resolve her rebound marriage mistake. We met September 2010, in November 2010 our relationship became intimate, I was divorced a year later, the key thing in this relationship my marriage was already over, and God knows how hard I tried to keep her happy and interested in us. So for the critics, some people will not respond to efforts of others. Flowers, dresses, cards, house cleaning, dinners out or weekends away, it never worked with my spouse. She was to preoccupied with arguing about why she was so special and did not have to work. To get back to the “amor de mi vida”, I felt it extremely necessary to prove to her that I was serious about being in love, divorce for me was freedom from a witch and to make a relationship valid. I always told her words mean nothing without action, so you know what I say is true. So here we are three years later, she is still married, and I have moved on. I know she is unhappy because I can see it in her face and demeanor. Getting another divorce for her is just to terrifying, and I was delaying my plans. I have read many stories of woman who had affairs and lost their “soul mate” to fear, and guilt. I think thats stupid why stay unhappy so someone else is? Life is messy, I stayed in a shitty marriage to keep kids and the antichrist daughter happy, it got me nothing but lost years of my life, less money in my pension and a deep distrust of women. Even now I plan not to share my life with anyone because for the people who I have met in my life when they say, ” I Love you” it means nothing just words, no more no less.

  414. 414
    Anonymous Says:

    I was in a relationship for 6 years, living together for 4. Of what i thought was a happy relationship, in fact too good to be true (obviously) i felt lucky that i had a man who was good looking and who was honest, moral etc. He was always besotted with me, always the one texting ringing etc. He was always dead against cheaters, slated every one else who did it. We werent married but had been talking about it. He had me pointing out engagement rings just over a month before i found out he was cheating. We was thinking of moving and getting a mortgage, been to look round several houses and chose one we both liked, even went to the bank for a mortgage, again a month before i found out he was cheating. We had a very close knit family and he got on with my family so much they saw him as a son. His family said they loved me as a daughter and couldnt wait for us to get engaged. We went away for xmas as we always do with my family and the dogs. He was quiet all week and distant all week and on his phone a lot. When we go home after xmas he was going out with ‘work’ on an evening, staying over at work later to do a ‘exercise class’ they had put on, and going to the ‘gym’ in the weekend evenings…all things hed not really done before but as he was such an honest person (i thought) i thought nothing of it. As he was quiet and acting a little off he started saying he had problems with his health and thought he was suffering depression, he even booked a doctors appointment. Had me, my family and his family all worried. During this period from xmas to the middle of january although he was sometimes off he was also sometimes very loving and affectionate and we was still having sex etc but he said he thought we was in abit of a rut but that he loved me and wanted to work it out. Days leading up to me finding out he was still saying he loved me more than anything. However i few days later checked his phone and found messages off the other woman. He sobbed, said she didnt mean anything, was someone to talk to out of the loop and even if we split up doesn’t want anything to do with her and that he loves me. I looked her up on facebook and someone of that name was his fb friend and worked with him, he swore it wasnt her it was someone else of that name who worked round the corner. Said hed only been meeting her for a couple of week and only when he was on his lunch at work, never outside of work times. Sais he had no feelings for her what so ever. And yet he went back to his mum n dads for space. A couple of days later he did a massive U-turn and then said his feelings weren’t the same for me anymore but he still doesn’t want this woman. For the following two weeks we were still in contact and he was never at his mum and dads but said he wasnt going out anywhere and was just sat in bored, said hed had no contact with this woman doesn’t want anything to do with her. Said if id not found the texts he would still be with me but would probably still be seeing her. Anyway i then drove to their meeting place one day saw them driving to this cafe they met at and he drove off cowardly and left her to face me. And she was the girl from work he had swore it wasnt. I rang him and he said he was never there, even though i saw him. He then admitted he was there but was ‘meeting other people too’ and admitted it was her from work. He only met this woman from work a month previous to me finding the messages. Since then he has moved out, blocked my number, had no contact with me whatsoever, not apologised, not even faced me, not given me an explanation (as i say i thought we were happy we always got on so well) stopped all post going to the house we lived in, cancelled all payments to our bills etc, bought a new car (only had last one less than a year) gone and got a flat with this other woman (who was by the way married, on her second marriage) in another town where neither of them no anyone (moved in with her less than 3 weeks of living with me), all our friends were mutual they have stopped talking to him and his family have welcomed her in and have been posting cruel things on fb. Me meanwhile is left wondering why and how this could of happened from a man i thought so decent and feeling lost now.

  415. 415
    Anonymous Says:

    I posted #121 in 2011, since then the love of my life has left, gotten divorced, explained all to his children who are teenagers and I have an excellent relationship with them after taking things very slowly and with a lot of consideration. We are extremely happy – his bitter ex remains a lazy, unmotivated house”wife” who just takes alimony and child support and spends it on herself and her house (which she will no longer be able to afford when it runs out in 8 years). We are very happy 4 years later – we are equals, both make well into 6 figures and look at her as the saddest human being in the world. All she has to grasp onto is stifling her teens independance so she looks like the “good” guy. We laugh at her and all the pathetic ex housewife brigade who made a living out of doing nothing but justifying having kids and neglecting their husbands. Word to the wise ladies – get a job, a good therapist, live your own life and be independent, it’s far more attractive and that’s why we end up with your husbands, encourage your kids to be smarter and more independent and not base our lives on what comes out of our vagina.

  416. 416
    Anonymous Says:

    #415

    You’re an angry thief and you’re mad because he has to pay alimony and child support. If you and your “equal” make 6 figures, these payments shouldn’t make either of you flinch. Not only do you want to steal from another woman, you want to steal from his children also. You’re not fooling anyone.

    YOU are the one who is bitter because she got to bare his children and will ALWAYS have that connection with him and you don’t…maybe you chose the almighy dollar/before motherhood? If that’s the case, how sad for you. You’ll
    have to always find ways to “laugh” at her and demean her in order to try to make it seem like you were justified in stealing and alienating a man from his wife and children. Laughing at housewives might make you feel a little better about yourself? That might work for a while, but one day you’ll still have to face what is going on inside yourself. I’m taking a wild guess here, you’ve filled your life with a career, money, oh and now, someone else’s husband/father. When are you going to fix what is really going on inside of YOU? I think it’s YOU who might need the “good therapist” my dear.

    I don’t know how “attractive ” it is to be a thief who shits on other women…that doesn’t seem “smart ” or “independent” . Can’t you find an available man?

    I feel sorry for women like you. You believe the lies of the cheater and use it to gang up/ pick on and bully the wife. Again, can’t you find and available man? Or is it that the sick and awful void inside of you is killing you.? You tried career and money to fill the void and that didn’t work. ..so now maybe
    the conquest of stealing from another might do the trick?

    A word to the wise, thief….you can’t fix your lack of self esteem by stealing a man and laughing at his ex because your jealous. Youre just the clean up woman. Look at yourself in the mirror and see what a monstrosity you’ve become. Fix yourself first before you point fingers at others. You don’t acquire self esteem by allowing a married man into your vagina.

    Not feeling so smart now huh thief!

    Wait! Shhhhhhh! Is that laughter? The whole world is laughing at you.!!!

  417. 417
    Anonymous Says:

    I AGREE with you #416….. EXCELLENT response..totally 100% truth… anything based on a web of LIES and DECEIT .. will soon fail.. that is just a given in our universe.. what goes around comes around a lot quicker, harder!!!!

    I was in a 25 yr. marriage.. we had 4 children together.. and he left me for another woman.. They did not make it for 3 months together…

    She left him for someone a bit younger.. She did not want our children visiting for weekend visitations. too much trouble.. cooking, laundry, baseball practice, etc.. and yes he pays me well for maintenance and child support..He lost our house, and moved in with her in a TINY 1 bedroom apt. THEY are broke..not the lifestyle she had while dating a MARRIED MAN.. she could not handle it..Children are a blessing not a burden… A MOM IS THE MOST REWARDING AND BEST JOB IN THE WORLD…

  418. 418
    Anonymous Says:

    Thanks # 417.

    I’ ve always known that women who poach married men actually hate women. #415 is proof of that.

    Gloating because she believes she stole the “prize”. Patting herself on the back because she stole from a housewife and calling the wife names like pathetic and lazy.

    #415….you’re mad because she had his children first and got to be the FIRST at many things which you will never get. You must be seething! Poor thing. He had babies with her and all of the wonderful milestones with HER. Yes.. she beat you to it and her children will always be a part of his life. When you look at them…you will always see the genetic combination of THEM…his children are a wonderful reminder of THEIR lovemaking. Don’t grind your teeth…it’s unattractive.

    Too bad for all of you poaching predators. All of you thieves need to get therapy. Oneday you will lose something. Maybe not a cheating husband, maybe an eyeball, a limb, or your illegitimate child. Whatever it is…it will hurt…really bad. And no stolen penis will be able to make up for it.

    Careful now!

  419. 419
    Anonymous Says:

    Ha love the spirit of this all especially the last couple of posts that took to task the slimy woman that ruined a family. Yep, you probably had the time to do all the things his wife didn’t. If he could cheat on his first wife and get a divorce he can cheat on his second and get a divorce. Further, he doesn’t have the pesky kid situation with you number 415.

  420. 420
    Anonymous Says:

    My marriage started very rocky. 10 years ago during deployment my wife cheated on me with my best friend. We decided to move on and better our relationship. We never sought a proper counseling and it made me bitter over time. Every argument, I held her mistakes over her head. I guess I didn’t know how to forgive. Fast forward into the future, I believe my wife tried to be a good wife, our marriage was tough. She told me a month ago that she was having an emotional affair with another man and they have kissed numbers of time, but never had sex. She said I was a good man and had many good qualities, but i made her feel like no one else can love her. She also told me she loves this other man, so i backed off and gave her what she wanted. We’re in a process of getting a divorce, but deep inside of me I know we can have a good marriage. Slowly, she’s becoming more bitter towards me as if I’m in her way of happiness. I tried reaching out to her, but she never answers my letters or question, I think she’s done. Whenever we talk about this affair all she has to say is “I’m sorry, but that’s all I can tell you.” She has no sympathy it seems. I’m actually doing well and moving on faster than I expected, but our children seems to be the one getting shafted with this whole situation. For now I’m set on moving on with my life, but I have that what if question. I wish her the best, but the jerk part of me wish her relationship falls apart. Does her relationship stands a chance with her new found love? I wonder

  421. 421
    Anonymous Says:

    All of you mistresses who are trying to have a baby to trap the married man ….just remember, your kid will always have BASTARD stamped on its forehead. !!!!

  422. 422
    Anonymous Says:

    I must say…These posts are amazing me right now.. My situation, rocky road with me and my ex. While I had an emotional affair that never turned physical back in my 20’s I knew it was wrong after he touched my face in a gentle way. My point, I wasn’t married at the time but I knew what I was doing was very wrong and ended it. Now, my ex is involved in an emotional affair with a married woman for the past 9 months. He befriended the husband PRIOR to sleeping or attempting to sleep with his wife. He thought maybe it was just a friendship and attempted to enter me and my children’s lives and swooned me for a month. Pulled out all the stops but would not fully cut her off. I snooped found some evidence and called her out on the game. She is promising him she will leave… We will see how this ends but in the mean time she has been around my children. My 11 year old daughter says, “what type of married woman hangs out with another guy all the time? Is this normal mommy?” Way to start a very messed up relationship if and when it happens… Some people…

  423. 423
    Anonymous Says:

    Hi,

    I would like to tell my story and leave some food for thought.

    I am at the end of a seven year relationship that began as an affair. I was married when we got together and so was he. However my ex husband and I married really young and due to my pregnancy. We were married on paper for eight years. However, I can honestly say any connection we may have had died after the first year. It became a true marriage of convenience. I needed financial support and he needed a caregiver.

    I met my recent ex at work and we had that amazing connection. This is the only time I have ever cheated in my life. I understand it but don’t believe in it. Eight years later I realize I compromised my values right from the start. But I have to say at that time it felt so right. My recent ex told me he married to young and to quick as well, as they were married after six months. Oh how I believed!!

    Fast forward. We had a really good relationship for almost five years. Then I got pregnant and everything blew up. Not so much on my end but his. He began online affairs and going crazy about not trusting me. By the time our son was 18 months I was gone.

    I have to say I ignored all the signs. Seven years a child, our other children, a house, etc….He still is not over his first wife! They remained in contact cause they have a child, but I always thought it was extreme. My ex husband and I communicate for our son, but not ever day or frequently. Our relationship was dead.

    So what happened. My recent ex and I split after everything. His ex wife is now getting remarried and he is furious. Where does it leave me-heartbroken, broke, another child to support, and left being the scapegoat of his anger and issues toward his ex wife, and the dedication of the song Skinny Love to me.

    I am hurt,confused and bruised. Everything is gone. But you know what one very valuable lesson has be learned:

    If you begin as an affair or are having affairs while married or whatever’ you are a truly emotionally available person as is the one you are with. And guess what- the connection is bullshit.

    Think about it…do you really want anything less than 100% of a person? If you are sharing you don’t have them and maybe never did. I grew to really love my ex he cheated on me too! But it was the most perfect for a long time.

    I’m not begrudging anyone here. I have been there and trust me I understand. But look and look hard before you leap. Do you really want half a person? I have decided to take this time now to look at my own availability issues as I never want to go through this again. Years ago someone told me be careful this is a new thing…The newness will wear off and boy were they right…As for him it did!

  424. 424
    Anonymous Says:

    Glad I found this site and read almost all of posts all evening-night long. I senses many posters’ pains and fortunately some are able to move on easily after the divorce. Not me!

    I try to make long story short. Forgive me if you have hard time understand my english as it is my secondary language. ASL is my primary language. Just few days from reach 25th year anniversity, My ex-wife abandoned from my family while we was asleep. Her stuffs emptied out, deleted emails, contacts, and etc. The morning we discovered abandon and started to contact each others (3 children) and ex-wife. We was clueless to why! Heart-sinken, shock, confusion, and other traumas. Under the pressure of my family to seek a divorce lawyer for my protection. I resisted. (Huge bad financial news surfaced on credit report) 3 weeks later, a friend finally conveniced my ex wife to meet me in a resturant to work out. She refuses. Blame me everything. She want “Happy Life” “New Life” or blahs. Told me how unhappy she was with our marriage. Blame me for everything. More revealings from credit report that my child became an ID thief victim from my ex wife! The more shock facts revealed the more emotions and rock bottomed I became. Even my 3 children are on my side and despise of their own mother! I tried everything to save children-mother relationship… But unable to… I feel so powerless… Lost… shock… confusion… traumnas… Me being on disability and my future is toasted and I do not want other woman but my wife. (It is extremely hard to find an attractive deaf woman!) Not want to start all over… Fear I end up lonely for rest of my life… Many others in thoughts and I felt so disconnect to everything. I blamed my family for cause our marriage to fail because I know the dymanics. I always been on wife’s side regardlessly… Yes I am/was loveblind and according to friends telling me I been love blind for long times… Revealed that she left us for another extremely low class man. I can not understand to why would she want to leave a good family and good life. My self-esteem all gone! “what do I want?” “Who am I?” all gone! Hate myself much more! I was completely at loss… Committed a few suicide attempts that children and my mother resuced me twice and sent me to counslerings… PAIN VERY INTENSE TOO PAINFUL THAT I CAN NO LONGER BEAR WITH IT! I cried for my wife, for my children, and for family… Fastforward… More we learn thur rumours that she end up with “sin” life got herself tattooed, drinkings, prolly on drugs and prolly orgy… Whatsoever have went on in the passing few years were all base on lies, deceits, run up my debts, kids debts, looted kids’ saving funds, and etc… To me it was like “No way! That is impossible! Not the person I know would do like that!” Reality said so… Divorce was finalized few months ago. Still I am feeling so angers and hatreds brewing more in me… Every night before I go bed I pray to be gone and get more bitter whenever I wake up alive… Also children dont bother to talk with their mother do heartwrench me. I feel like I have failed on my family no matter how hard I tried or accomphlished… blahs… Im told that I am not fail family as it all points to my ex-wife. Yes, I do accept few issues that may be at my fault or some flaws but again my children denied its my fault. Ok then… It have been over a year and my pain still here! But compare to last year it was VERY VERY VERY INTENSE THAT WAS UNIMAGINEABLE PAINFUL! I dont want to revisit that pain again ever! How do some of you that are strong enough and able to rid pain to move on? EVEN My children are able to move on! Maybe me being on disability quadtriple the healing processing than if working people are? Right now when I look now compare to a year ago and I can not believe how big difference of psych-fk-up and the impacts aftermath. Still pain there… “wish none have had happened” or every time I see my granddaughter or other such as holidays or special occassionals and I pity to my ex-wife for those loss opportunities!!!

    Apparently it seem it take years for long term marriage end up divorce longer to recover especially 25+ yrs of marriage than those are 10 years of marriage… Plus yall in a big world of plentiful of attractive womens out there to choose compare to my world which is extremely hard to find good attractive woman with good morals! My children told me that I dont have to go for deaf only woman… But I have other disability that I am not proud of myself… First I need to get myself back online… Love myself… Before I worry that next chapter… I hope it dont take me “10 years” to get over with betrayals/cruels and still at loss on how to move on as I still love my wife but realize the facts that she dont love me and family after what she have had done against us. Its the most difficult thing to accept. I know her -35+ years and 25 years marriages… I put lot of my efforts and very attached with her… It is hard to let her go… If not for other of my disability that prevent me from work … I could have signed up Over time list and work 12 hrs x 6 days a week or whatsover to double my achivement goals or make time go faster… able to move on? Whatsoever!

    Hope some of you can chime me on how to move on? Especially being on disability on fixed income. Also being badly hurtfully betrayed and cruel against!!!

    Lastly, For anyone who consider affair especially have a family. Take my word. DO NOT DO IT. It crush family beyond than you can imagine! Destructions and pains very bad! Simple, Be truth of yourself. Do not lie of yourself. It (lie/deceit) is not worth it! I am told that ex-wife will be 10X or below rock-bottomed one day? Shal we wait and see how it is working on her? Also after read posts above claims that most of their ex-spouses (post-affairs) end up misery after divorce… Hmmm…

  425. 425
    Anonymous Says:

    My girlfriend of 11 years just broke up with me.
    Let’s take a short trip backwards. I was married (not a very pleasant one, but the usual in it for the kids). She was getting divorced and she initially began the contact and friendliness to me. We worked together once a year and I never thought that it was anything but her being a nice person. We got to know each other and about our families. She at the time was dating someone. She dropped hi real fast. Oh we laughed a lot, I have a great personality and I am very approachable. As it turned out I would call her on occasions but never anything about getting together. Next thing I know is that I am asking her to go to lunch on occasions. Still nothing, just lunch. That was it. Then it happened, she told me she was having feelings for me, but that I was married. I told her that I was having feelings for her too. Now what do we do? Well we continued to communicate much more often. I was out of town on business, she called me and initiated phone sex. Honestly it felt wierd, but I played along. It was fun and my ex and I slept in different beds, in separate rooms for 20 years of a 23 year marriage. So I guess I was wide open. Then It all escalated, meeting her more often, hot sex, in the car or at her place. Meanwhile, I’m making excuses for being away from the house. Eventually I left the house. My divorce tok 5 years. Meanwhile in the course of this 11 years she broke up with me about 6 times, which devastated me each time. On this last breakup, I accidentally made a discovery. She left a string of journals on email. What do I find out? She is in the beginning stages of an affair with a married man. In retrospect, now that I look back, I can say, that on 2 of the breakups the pattern was the same. She was in to Facebook but would drop off in a heartbeat. Happened again. I asked her if she had someone else she would state no but it was a lie. This from a woman who was adamant about being truthful to each other. Last year I called her out on some inappropriate texting she was having with a former customer. Says she stopped but now I have completely lost trust in her. She was always able to trust me because she knew everything I was doing. I never cheated on her, nor with my ex for that matter. If your wondering why I didn’t commit to marriage either her, is that I had this gut feeling. Not about other men, but the breaking up and her being all over the place. Now that I think about, in the initial stages, she made me get a second phone and reminded me to never buy her anything with a credit card. Sounds like experience to me. Wonder if she is telling her new married friend the same.
    I really love this woman and fnd that my compassionate and forgiving qualities stand in my way. Why would I consider letting her back in if she wants to like I did on all the other occasions knowing that she may have been with other men. I am by no means in need of more friends, nor am I lonely but I am lonely without her. Think I have a problem.

  426. 426
    Anonymous Says:

    Let me start out by saying this. Cheating is wrong. Affairs are a mess and it destroys people. I know this because I did it. I am a woman. I am not a loser or insecure or a man stealer. I am a human and I made a mistake. That being said my affair partner and I are still together after 2 years.

    My affair partner and I were both married. We sought each other out. We deliberately and intentionally had an affair. We sought it out. We did it because in our minds we both got married for the wrong reasons but were too cowardly to leave. Admittedly now we both wish we would have just stood up and either discussed the issues with our spouses or had the guts to leave. This is all hindsight perspective. People in affairs aren’t bad people, they are making bad choices. There is no guidance for people in affairs, they just run on emotion and fear constantly. The only advice they get are from one another and those who dare to support them. Then those people ultimately judge them every step of the way during and after.

    I am not going to justify my actions by going into details about his marriage or mine. What I will say is that looking back, we both married for the wrong reasons. Me for security and stability and he due to pressure after a long term relationship and not wanting to disappoint people who stood by him. We both were caretakers to an extreme with partners that were not necessarily capable of living life without emotional support. Both diagnosed with mental illness. We both thought we could continue to carry our spouses through life and “get what we needed” elsewhere and not dump the spouse and “crush” them.

    What I will say is this. Do the right thing and make a choice now. Stop your affair and stand up. NO matter the circumstances. Everyone will survive a divorce, if need be, or you will get clarity on what is the right decision FOR YOU;stay or go. Do it for YOU, not your kids, not your spouse, for YOU. Because ultimately you sought an affair because YOU were not happy for some reason and making choices for others got you here in the first place. Find out why first.Discover why you are in this position. Can you fix it? Can you change? Take responsibility for YOUR part in this, not blaming your spouse.

    As far as my relationship with my affair partner, it has been very difficult. People don’t accept you, some do, some don’t. Families are divided and the decision to stay with someone who is “marked” is not an easy one. Your love has to be real, it has to be strong and based on something more than passion, excitement and feeding off one anothers fears. And you have to be willing to risk EVERYTHING for it to work. Because the ultimate risk is losing everything and everyone for the gain of just your partner. Are you willing to live in a bubble?

    I love him, he loves me and we are working through it. But don’t be fooled that you are just going to have a NORMAL life with this person. Like I said in the beginning, I was wrong, he was wrong. There is no undoing what we did to our spouses, to each other during the process, and to the people around us. All we can do now is try to be better people, try to find happiness, and YES, we deserve happiness even though we made mistakes, even if that happiness is not with eachother.

    I never intended to hurt anyone, I was a coward. I have to live a lifetime knowing that I participated in something that crushed a woman I never knew. Luckily, she is doing great, she has stood on her feet and is able to recup her life, dust off the mess he and I caused her and find happiness. The fact remains, I have to live with my choices the rest of my life and all I can do is try to do the right thing going forward.

    For all of you casting judgment and harsh words on people having affairs. Open your eyes, the statistics don’t lie. This is an epidemic in marriages that is not isolated to just you and your small life. My suggestion to anyone who is on the other side of an affair, stop blaming and start looking inside yourself as well. Are you contributing to the breakdown? Are you truly as righteous as you claim to be? Are you really just a victim? You may feel you were the perfect partner, and the other person is just void of any morality or feeling, or you may be part of the problem too. Marriage succeeds and fails on the backs of two people. If you want to save your marriage, you have to recognize whether you want to change too or you want to stay who you are or leave your spouse. On either side, don’t let the decision of how you want to live your life lay in someone elses hands.

    Good luck to all of you. I am happy to be on the other side of this because I know both the cheaters and those who were cheated on are in the darkest days of their lives. I wish you all peace in your decisions.

  427. 427
    Anonymous Says:

    Dear number 6 … if you honestly believe that you can choose who you love, then I would venture that you quite possibly have never been in love mate.

  428. 428
    Anonymous Says:

    No. 426.

    Who knows what is the truth of the mental health of your original spouses. Certainly there must be questions about a wife represented to have a mental health diagnosis and to be unable to cope without the fabulous emotional support given to her by her cheating husband, who is then able to stand on her own two feet and go ahead. Something there doesn’t compute does it? Perhaps that there are a lot of lies told by affair partners to each other.

    Who cares anyway.

    Just one correction though. And it’s a factual error. You may or may not be a loser or insecure. Those children may or may not survive your divorces. Your exes may or may not be bonkers. You may or may not even know what love looks like.

    But you are a man stealer if you have an affair and then break up a marriage. By current definitions of “mate poaching”, that is. Validate away, but be aware of the definitions that others use.

  429. 429
    Anonymous Says:

    I have been reading all over the place about affairs.. This article and the discussion gives a good perspective from both the sides.
    I was the one who had an affair and one thing that bothers me 24/7 is the guilt and the pain I caused everyone due to my choices…
    Here is my brief story.. I had an arranged marriage but I got lucky with that. Except the physical attraction part in the relationship my husband was a wonderful man.. Took care of me like a princess and trusted me… Fast forward after 6 years in to the marriage due to lack of physical attraction (we barely had sex) I drifted away and fell in love with my colleague who was also my best friend for 3 years.. Affair lasted for a year and I could not do it anymore and admitted to my husband about my affair.. He was devastated but still thought we could work it out but I was not in a position to hear his opinions.. I was in a rush to move in with my love.. and I did it.. Down the road after a year I realized that my lover had some shortcomings just like every other relationship.. We still love each other but he had drinking, moodiness and dipping issues…. I fear that down the road when we are old and when the physical attraction is not a priority in life how would it be… Now I have moved out and am living alone to clear my head and see what exactly I want in life…
    I have learnt my lesson the hard way that jumping from one boat to the other is not the way to find happiness…
    The guilt of hurting my husband is still killing me inside and I can never forgive myself for doing this to him.. He is a honest man and loved me unconditionally..
    My problem was when I moved in with my bf I started comparing these two men in my life and except the passion and attraction part my husband always won…. It took this long and and affair for me to see the goodness of my husband..
    Now that I am alone my bf has been per suing me again and wants me to give him a chance.. He has quit his bad habits but I am too scared to get hurt again.. I know KARMA came back to me coz of what I did to my husband..
    My husband wants me back and my family is pressuring me to go back to my husband but I am not sure if I can give my 100% to him coz I still cannot have physical intimacy and attraction towards him..
    My question to people out here is.. Would you advice me to go back to my husband? wouldn’t it be unfair to him if I go back? Would our marriage work if I don’t have the passion towards him?
    I still love my bf… should I give him a chance in my life again?
    As of now I am not going to rush into any decisions and want to find happiness in me and taking help from the therapists as to why I did this in the first place……

  430. 430
    Anonymous Says:

    It is unfair to go back to your husband. Let him go (really go) so that he can get a chance to find happiness with someone else who really loves him. A chance to be with a woman who is not ruled by vaginal urges.

    As for the bf, whateverrrr. Stay or go. You can both destroy each others lives. But while you are getting therapy, please don’t selfish and hold up your
    husband while you vascillate between two men. Playing “eenie meenie minee mo”.

    You chose the bf , so go be happy with him. You made that decision. Move on even if your family wants you to go back to the husband. Your family just wants things to “look nice” .

    Your husband will find happiness. And when you see that he has found it with a new person, maybe then you will not feel so guilty. He also deserves a chance to be with someone who understands marital committment.

    You, on the the other hand, should be with someone more like yourself. The player bf is a good choice for you.

  431. 431
    Anonymous Says:

    #428
    You’re focusing on the wrong issues. Why is the woman always the man stealer? As I said I’m not justifying any actions.

    As for mental health issues I clearly would not represent that was the case if it was not a clinical diagnosis. Further, not every affair falls into the same category. You cannot steal a human being or their emotions. Grown men and women make choices; assigning blame to any of the parties involved is a knee jerk response to the pain that is caused; that way nobody has to be accountable. However your argument is flawed in that I took accountability and responsibility for my bad behavior.

    There is no justification for our actions and the reason men and women behave in this manner and get lost along the way is because of their inability to find the strength to either seek help first, communicate or decide. As I said it was cowardly.

    As far as the lies….no lies were told between us. You will discount this as false but as I said before WE both chose and sought this out. There was no need to lie about it.

    I was simply trying to give perspective to an often one sided discussion about the “other woman” always being at fault or a man stealer. You proved my point in that people in these situations are often lost with no resources to make the right decision and fear of judgment which perpetuates the behavior.

  432. 432
    Anonymous Says:

    The first step is to admit you have a problem.

    Stealing from others is just plain wrong. I can’t believe people haven’t learned this yet!?

    And to steal from another when they are vulnerable is really cowardly. Not a fair fight.

    I dont know how some of you sleep at night knowing you’ve “gained” wrongfully.

    If a man or woman is not happy in their marriage then,

    END THE MARRIAGE FIRST THEN FIND SOMEONE ELSE!

    How many times does this have to be explained!

    Some of you must have low IQs.

  433. 433
    Anonymous Says:

    Sometimes the fools say it best. We call them comedians these days. You know, the guys who point out the inconsistency, hipocrisy and idiocy involved in being human. There was a guy called Emo Phillips around a few years ago. Tall, lanky, geeky, weird and hilarious. Paraphrasing his words, I forget them now:

    “When I was a boy, I was desperate for a bicycle. Every night when I went to bed I would pray to God to bring me a bicycle.

    One night, my mother came in when I was praying and she heard my prayer. Oh son, she said, God doesn’t work like that. So she sat me down on her knee and told me how God worked.

    The next day I went out and stole a bicycle.

    That night when I went to bed, I prayed to God to forgive me for what I had done.”

    Substitute husband/man of my dreams/whatever I want for bicycle and you may see the problems I have with the conciliatory approach.

    Someone is still without a bicycle.

    And being told they are without resource in this situation is definite; to go on to tell them that they should be grown up enough not to just say fine, it’s life to the bike stealer, I guess I contributed to that a bit, I’d had the bike a very long time and it threw me off enough times, the wheels didn’t run straight, and it wasn’t that shiny anymore so maybe I did leave the garage unlocked, I always had. Its called trust.

    Now a person is not a bike. And I am a fool. They’re not always wrong though. They often speak a lot of truth which is hard to hear. They learn to live without their bike, they walk. It’s tougher, but they do it. And they do it with dignity and with increasing ease.

    To watch someone riding around on their bike telling everyone how entitled to happiness with this bike they are, and how judgmental others are who are now walking.

    Well, therein the rub. Ouch. Perhaps growth will be possible, I see very little has occurred to date 431. Ah well, your path may take you there faster than I, you have the bike after all and I just my legs.

    Go well, but go quickly please and do not point and tell me how to be as you disappear into the distance.

    Thanks.

  434. 434
    Anonymous Says:

    Well, I hear you on your bicycle analogy. My simple point is that humans make choices. I believe there is merit to understanding why things happen. To gain perspective from other peoples bad choices and good ones. I think you can learn from other people. But only if you want to understand. What I see is blame casting rather than seeking to understand. People in deep pain with No control over what has hapoened so it’s easier to point a finger, degrade these “horrible people” than to seek an understanding.

    Sure, ok, I “stole” the bike…but seeking to understand why it was left in the garage and why I felt my only choice was to stray is equally as valuable as it is to pour out your heart for being on the losing side of an affair…well actually nobody wins, truthfully,

    You don’t see growth, that’s ok. My “growth” from my poor decisions is not what I expressed or took time to express, but rather an understanding of how things can evolve into an affair. Not blame or validation for stupid mistakes.

    There are reasons why 70% of men and 40% of women cheat. Are you faithful people just better human beings? Doubtful. Maybe you were equipped with better tools and make better choices….but then again you married a flawed human if they cheated right? Does that make your judgment flawed? No. You just trusted and were victimized…

    Cast judgment, blame tell me to go away,..you’re strangers I don’t care. You are not the people I seek to help with my response and experience. The people who need help are those who are lost in an affair as a result of bad decisions and still believe it will be peaches and cream if they end up together.
    You forget that neglected worn down bike I stole is still a very flawed human being as am I.
    People who have affairs do it for a variety of reasons. Selfishness is just one. Doesn’t make it right, but I would rather understand why things happen so I can change and grow then lash out on an individual that has harmed me.

  435. 435
    Anonymous Says:

    I am 50, married, for the second time, for 5 years. have two kids: 4+ year old daughter and 2+ year old son. happy on the surface. My wife is 12 years younger than me. We met some 15 years ago, I was married for 4 years then. We had an affairs, but, due to my premature ejaculation, I never managed to really penetrate her, and she ends up not even allowing me to simply do the foreplay with her. This affairs was never discovered. I divorced in 2008 with no kids, and re-married in 2009.
    On the surface, I should be a happy man, with a happy family. Yet, my wife clearly stated to me that she would not have sex with me after marriage and she expected me to be faithful to her. Soon after marriage, she was inflicted with a medical condition that might threaten the chance of pregnancy. Rather unwillingly, she had sex with me, for a couple of times, that ended up in our first daughter. Once pregancy was confirmed, she stopped sex with me. The same for our second son. I feel like a sperm donar. In the name of caring for kids, she arranges me to sleep in a room with our son, and she another room with daughter. My only chance of having physical ‘intimacy’ with her is my wake up face-to-face hug with her that she does not reject. That’s all. I do not feel like her husband, and I guess she also cannot feel like my wife. I don’t want to hurt the kids, nor do I want to hurt her. I stay faithful to her. Yet, my men’s nature keep threatening me with the temptation, although whenever I think of them, I simply cannot do it. We become accustomed to the habit that we don’t even talk about such absence of sex in our marriage. Our conversation only revolve around kids, and we do not do anything during anniversary. In birthdays, we do the basics of cutting cakes, etc. She call me ‘papa’ and I call her ‘mama’, all centering on the kids’ perspective. Somehow, I am her first man, as she was a virgin when she first met me. I still adore her and her body, but I do not know why she has no interest in mine whatsoever now. During the affairs, we had intense passion, kissing and caressing, though not to the point of intercourse. I still feel like she is my lovely girl. I believe she is faithful to me. I still love her a lot, though I cannot love her sexually, and that’s my most painful part.

  436. 436
    Anonymous Says:

    Here is an example of where affairs get you. My brother left his wife of 25 years for a married woman, after an affair. She left her husband and they shacked up for ten years. On top of total financial devastation for them both, they are now split up. Don’t know all the details but I do know they are apart. I suspect she found someone else but the good news is, his ex is happily married. His life is in the toilet and staying there. Gotta love Karma.

  437. 437
    Anonymous Says:

    True story.

    There was a little sister who stole her big sister’s husband. Big sister cried and cried over the betrayal and caused a big family to tear apart.

    Many years later the big sister finally moved on a found the real love of her life and is still happily married 30 yrs later.

    Big sis forgives little sis and they make peace. Little is still with the stolen husband., but they all forgive and move on.

    Shortly after they all made up, little sis and the stolen husband are driving and are hit by a truck. The impact was so bad they both died immediately.

    Folks. Dont cheat and steal. It aint worth it in the end.

  438. 438
    Anonymous Says:

    I met my husband 4 weeks after the death of my God mother through alcoholism. I dealt with her death through drinking myself and this man became my friend and drinking partner and then my boyfriend. After 8 weeks or so I decided enough is enough and I went back to my usual drinking pattern of a few glasses of wine a week but my boyfriend carried on like every night was his last… We decided to get married and went to Vegas (we’re in the UK). After the ceremony we went for a meal and then went back to our room.. He said he was popping to the bar for a drink and I saw him 12 hours later.. That’s when I realised that for him it was more than liking a drink, he was an alcoholic.. We spent our honeymoon either together with him drunk.. Or apart with me in our hotel room and him in the bar..

    We’ve been together and he is still drinking heavily.. He drinks every night and sometimes up to a litre of spirits and two bottles of wine.. We have tried to talk about it but he refuses to acknowledge there is an issue as he is highly functioning. We have no children and he isn’t nasty or abusive, he’s just a stranger who talks about rubbish, repeats himself and vomits a lot..

    My mother has dementia so 4 weeks ago we moved 250 miles away to help care for my Mum. The day after I moved in I went to a school reunion (cliched I know) and I bumped in to an old friend who I’d had a crush on 25 years ago. We spoke very briefly and the chemistry was palpable.. I contacted him when I know I shouldn’t have and we’ve been texting since.. It’s nothing sexual it’s just friendly but after 4 years of living with an alcoholic it makes me feel alive..

    I’m in such a quandary.. I promised my husband I’d never tell anyone about his drinking so I’ve been struggling with it myself for 4 years and I’m finding it hard..

    How do I know whether the feelings for my old friend are real or whether they’re because I am so unhappy with my marriage?

  439. 439
    Anonymous Says:

    A success story for the doubters and judges: My husband and I just celebrated our 16th wedding anniversary. I left my first husband after eight years of marriage and two children to be with him. We met at work and it was instant attraction. We have a child of our own. Why has it worked? Lots of effort, compromise and patience. At the time of my divorce, my counselor said we had a 20% chance of a successful, long-term relationship. It’s been wonderful proving everyone wrong and you can get through it when you are both committed. It’s okay to believe.

  440. 440
    Anonymous Says:

    I am a 50 y.o. single woman. My 4+year relationship with a married man just end this week. My married man (MM) initiated separation/divorce via email with his wife in mid July. In a subsequent talk 2 weeks later she agreed with divorce but was not leaving the marital home. Youngest kid is a junior in high school. Prior to me entering the picture, he would send an email to her once a year asking if she would work with him to fixd the marriage, but she never replied. Just went on with their life as if she never received email. Wife got pregnant 3 months into dating my MM and while she was going through her first divorce. According to my MM, she had become more and more distant in the past 6 months – would be out and he had no idea where she was. She socialized, but not with my MM, and my MM was now certain he was making the right decision. Her Facebook pictures were all of her and her friends and sometimes the kids. We were in love and looking forward to our life begining and just “us” and no roadblocks, and we knew it would be a challenging road during the divorce process. Since she learned that my MM wanted to leave the marriage, she started to suddenly plan a family outting zipling and would post pics on her Facebook page talking about the fun she had with her hubby doing this sport. She started posted even more pics of her hubby and saying things like he may be flawed, but he still makes the cut. This caused a great deal of stress for him because he didn’t know what she was up to, and conflict between us. We both were paranoid. In the house she would ignore him and my MM said things felt very tense. I was very angry with the pics she was posting and it lead me to threaten to expose our relationship and I went as far as sending him a draft email that I would send. I know, very immature on my part. The stress and anxiety was so great for me and I wanted it all to stop and the only way for it to happen was to tell his wife.

    His divorce atty warned us that we should end our relationship until his separation was well underway, but no, we thought we were special and could weather all the storms. What his atty predicted would happen, did happen between us. I called him up one morning last week and he was hysterical and said something horrible had happened, but he didn’t want to talk about it — I told him I needed to know so I knew how to proceed and he told me that she knows about us and that we have continued to communicate. He said we could no longer talk and wished me peace. An hour later, I sent her the email exposing our relationship in every detail. She responded saying that she had known about us for a long time, but had forgiven me. Also said, “welcome to my world.” Not much of anything else other than my anger needed to be directed at him, not her. I had been a bit pushy in the separation talks and wanted him to keep the ball rolling, but he said he did not want to live without his son and hoped for a separation agreement that would allow him to stay in the house as they both lived their own lives. I will never know now because he has not called or texted in four days. Since my email to her, she has stopped posting the pictures of them and how happy they are, it’s back to pictures of just her and what she is doing. Maybe she felt scorned in some way that her husband wanted out and suspected he found someone else and was going to do everything in her power to sabatoge the relationship with the other woman IF it was true. I’m in shock. I am torturing myself thinking that she now is going to make his life a living hell and he will tolerate it b/c he wants to stay with his son. Or, did she throw him out that night when she got home from work? We can only guess. The marriage had been dysfunctional for over 12 years. I spoke with one of his friends a year ago who said he told my MM several times to get out of that marriage because of how she constantly belittled him. She emascuated him. I think that will only continue and here I am. He said I was his one happiness, that he never would find another like me and my heart. Two close friends say that it will just be a matter of time till they crack from the pressure of their now marriage now that the infidelity has been exposed and he will one day come crawling back to me. But would I want that? How could he have turned his back on me and not reached out to me to see if I was okay? If wife knew about us, could he still be angry for me sending the email. I feel some relief and perhaps he does, too, knowing that everything is now out in the open. Time will tell. I just wanted to believe that there was going to be an us and here I am on a saturday night only able to wonder what is really going on.

  441. 441
    Anonymous Says:

    It is never right to have an affair with a married man! And in my opinion women are stupid when they believe they are ending the marriage and it is so horrible. All men will say that even if it is not true! The best karma for those women is to give them the lying cheating man and they can experience how it feels when he does the same thing to her!

  442. 442
    Anonymous Says:

    My husband of 10 years had an affair on me. He started an affair with a woman he worked with and tried hiding it from me, but I found out about it and finally got him to confess to the affair. The affair was only going on about 3 weeks before I started getting suspicious and found out. We had been together for 14 years and had two children together. The day I got him to confess I kicked him out of the house and he immediately shacked up with the OW. He hurt a lot of people by having the affair including himself. Our kids were devastated and I went through a lot of emotions and it is the most painful thing I have ever gone through. He was torn and said he still loved me, but also had feelings for her. He told me he wanted to try to save our marriage, but put no effort towards doing so and continued having the affair with her. I think it was even harder on me that he continued to lie and play head games with me and pretty much wanting to have both me and her. I made a tough decision to end the marriage and went and filed for divorce. At first I was a little hesitant because of the kids and I didn’t want them to grow up in a broken family. The kids were 6 and 9 at the time. Once I made the decision that the marriage was over and I could never go back to him because I would never be able to trust him again I felt a lot better and started to heal. I believe once a cheater always a cheater. After I divorced him I learned about another time he cheated before we were even married, and I found a couple emails to other women wanting to meet up. Not sure if he did ever meet up with any of them. I also found him responding to dating ads after we were divorced and he is still dating the OW. Not to mention he kept coming back to me for sex and a couple times I gave in since I wasn’t in a relationship. I think I did it more out of spite for the OW and for the satisfaction of knowing he was cheating on her too. Just this weekend they decided to get married. I am certain the marriage will not last and he will do the same thing to her. He has already cheated on her and if the opportunity came along he would do it again.

    I am a big believer in Karma and they will both get what they deserve and already have had plenty of Karma. My ex thought I couldn’t do it without him and thought I needed him and would never divorce him. One of the best Karma’s is proving him wrong and I have been happier and better off without him. Moved out of our house we had together into a much nicer and bigger house. He moved into a small apartment with his OW into a not so good part of town. As soon as we got divorced my ex got fired from his job and since then hasn’t been able to keep a job more than a month. With the affair he started a huge web of lies and they have all spiraled out of control. He has lied about dying of cancer 3 times, and lied about having other medical conditions just to get attention. I paid all of the bills and he didn’t know how to and his credit is completely ruined now and even got his car repossessed so now he has no car. Which he lost his license for not paying child support anyway and having other unpaid tickets. He forged checks of his parents and tried cashing them and got arrested and charged with forgery. Him and the OW has broken up several times in which each time he would come back begging me to take him back and even threatening to kill himself if I didn’t. Well I didn’t take him back and he didn’t kill himself. His life pretty much hit rock bottom and he took his kids maybe 3 or 4 weekends before he started making excuses and not taking them anymore. I started dating a wonderful man and eventually he started getting close to the kids and we moved in together and the ex had a very hard time knowing another guy was around the kids. Then he decided to tell people that both his kids died and even had fake death certificates made up to show his GF and made her believe they were dead. Shortly after this they decided to run off and hide from reality for a year until I found out where they were. For a year he didn’t contact his kids in any way and nobody knew where he was. Hasn’t paid child support or even had a job for two years. Eventually he had a warrant issued for him because he was on probation for his charges. The OW’s ex husband decided to contact me on facebook and tell me where they were hiding at and gave me all the information I needed. So I gave that information to the police and he was arrested.

    Since he was arrested he moved back and started talking to his kids and got a job and started paying child support. (He kind of had to since he was in trouble and had to go to court for both his probation violation and contempt of court for child support) He now says he is trying to change and be a father to the kids. Said he ran away because he thought all the problems he created for himself would just go away, but he said it only made them worse. His kids will never have any respect for him after everything he has put them through. For the kids sake I am hoping he is changing and will be in their life again.

    As for the marriage that started with adultery I don’t think it will last. They have already broken up several times and she found out about some very huge lies he told. One of the times they broke up was because he was suppose to pay rent and didn’t and got them evicted from the apartment. I guess the OW will get her Karma when he does the same thing to her. I am pretty sure they can’t have much trust in that marriage after all of the lying and cheating. My biggest concern is the kids being affected and having to deal with their marriage when they know that relationship is what destroyed their family. People really need to think before having an affair because it really hurts everyone involved.

  443. 443
    Anonymous Says:

    In 2009, I met, whom I believed, to be the love of my life. We traveled many places, bought a nice home near Lake Michigan, started up a business, spent weekends camping and going to music festivals and this all within 5 years amd before my 25th birthday. But there was a darkness. He was an alcoholic. Even though I tried to cope and reason with this disease, he ended up with a felony record from resisting an officer while recieving a DUI. On our wedding night he got hammered and I laid, feeling absolutely alone in the hotel room while he was passed out. I finally had enough and announced to him and his parents that I would leave if he had another drink. His alcoholism was periodic, not daily. So, after two years of sobriety and the decision to have a child, he came home from a work convention drunk. I knew then that I could not bare a child for my lover, my bestfriend, my husband. One month went past with my emotions buried into me. College exams were stressing me out and my grandfather also passed away. Soon, overwhelmed, I found myself in an emotional affair with a classmate. He was kind and polite and noticed how alone I was. He questioned my husbands commitment and whereabouts. I fell, hard. A bored, scared and misguided wife who felt her youth was wasting away. My husband left for a ten day work trip to Germany and on his return asked if I wanted a divorce. He convinced me it was best that I went to stay at my mothers for a bit. Why I left is debatable. He should have left our home if he felt we needed space. 3 weeks went by and we talked nightly and I would visit to stay around. On a work day I went to the house on break and she was there. An 18 year old coworker. It got very messy from there. Very. My husband filled a seperation and 9 weeks after I left, after five years together, after growing and discovering ourselves, he and the teenager were enganged. We weren’t even divorced yet. It’s been 5 months now. 3 months since the divorce was finalized, and their wedding is tomorrow. They brag about their undying endless love on facebook. ..no one comments…and I am to look likr a poor victim. I am now seeing the man who was in my class, yet I am embarrassed and horrified that all along, throughout everything we built together, the classmate was right. My husband got the house and he’s splurging his new girl all over which is disgusting since their age difference is by 10 years. How am I not in a mental institution? How could someone be okay with the once love of their life, now being the person who they hurt thw most. He has shunned his family and closest friends just to be with this girl. They have a solid 5 months together. He threw away the person that loved him no matter his debt or addiction and I felt that I did a darn good job ceaning his ass up and making sure he became a good man. I didn’t make him for her to enjoy… but in the end I didnt make a good man, I encouraged an asshole to become an engineer and once he made good money and more power he needed a bitch to go with it all. Good luck to them both. When shes pregnant at the end of the year and cyinh bc she cant hangout with her little friends I’ll be grateful. Looking to seek a life without attachment

  444. 444
    Anonymous Says:

    As a betrayed Spouse, I have a few things to say to those who are involved with a married man/woman, a married man/woman having an affair( emotional or physical) and those who are trying to defend their affair.

    First, for all of you involved with a married person, whats wrong with you? Why would you want some one who clearly does not respect commitment? I mean seriously, why would you even entertain the idea of some one who is capable of showing complete and total disrespect of their spouse, kids, family and vows that were made before them and God. My heart hurts for you, I can not imagine! I would never want some one who I know is capable of that. Even if my husband and I had not worked out and I started dating, I would never give a married man my time of day. In my eyes he is no catch. If he said he was separated I would still walk away to give my self a fair chance. If he said divorced, I would want proof, call me crazy but if he really wanted a chance with me it would not be hard to prove it!

    Now I know I just said I would never give a man a chance who has shown he is capable of total disrespect towards his spouse,kids, family, friends and God yet here I am happy and still married to one. And yes, we are! The thing is, he is mine!!! He is my screw up but the difference is he was not one when we met. Life happened and both of us handled things differently. The man who cheated on me and not just me my one year old son (at the time, because lets face it, my son would have eventually carried his fathers choices) was not the man I had known for years and choose to marry. The man that had the affair well, I had no clue who that was. But I have a better man now, better than when we first met and feel in love. He knows more about him self, he learned from his choices and the best part is he knows what real love is now. He knows being “in love” takes work, you don’t stay in love with putting in the effort. That you have the marriage YOU create. I read some where, that being ” in love” is like a camp fire, it won’t stay “HOT” unless you work at it. If you leave the firer alone it will eventually burn out. You have to keep working at it to keep it how you want. My Husband and I were not perfect and before the affair started we were both MISERABLE. We were both un happy with our marriage. He went one one I went another. He turned out and I turned in. He started drinking heavily and life just spun out of control. I turned bitter. It became a horrible cruel cycle. We both wanted to feel loved and important again to each other. He worked out of town (which did not help) and when he was gone was so busy I felt unimportant and un loved. He would come home and I would be so excited and he would be to but literally as soon has he walked in the door I became mad. He would always “jump my bones” right away and that would just piss me off. My thinking was he wanted nothing to do with me while at work but as soon as he walked the door wanted sex and it pissed me off. I kept telling myself how dare he ignore me all week then expect that! He saw it as pure rejection. He was thinking I did not desire him, did not love him and was not happy he was home because as soon as he got there I became mad. He would go back to work and it would begin again Vicious cycle! He became the man she knew, not the man I knew. Call me crazy but if i had met the man she met and would get to know, I would have ran screaming.

    To those who are married and having an affair, I challenge you!!!!!Break off the affair and start putting all the energy from your affair into your marriage! I mean yeah marriage is hard but it only gets worse when you emotionally and physically check out. Obviously involving another person in it just creates a bigger mess. From my research I have found most people (not all) start an affair not because they don’t love their spouse or want their marriage, they just don’t know how to make it better, they feel lose and hopeless. No one gets married (at least normal people) thinking they will fall out of love and have an affair. So take all your energy from your affair and throw it into your marriage. If you plan on buying something for your affair partner, don’t! Buy for your spouse. If you are bored at work text your spouse. Date again! Try and don’t quit! Yes if your spouse knows about your affair they will make it very hard, all most impossible. They will fight you tooth and nail, kicking and screaming. They will put up a fight, you broke their heart, their trust their sense of security. Deal with it! Once they see they are number one even above you they will slowly soften and become open to it. Its hard, its miserable, its heartbreaking and its numbing. Its feels hopeless and that their is no point it will never get better but it can. If you are truly remorseful and are truly sorry and want the chance, its worth a try! What you feel for your affair partner, you felt for your spouse, you just got caught up in life and have lost sight off it and stopped working for it. You don’t stay in love with out staying in the work of love. You have to work at it. I promise you that you will fall out of love with your affair partner, eventually. Even the case of the post # 439. I know it is a “success” story but they I am sure have had ups and downs,days where they couldn’t stand each other, thought it was a mistake just like any married couple. Now they just have learned probably to handle conflict and that being ” in love” takes work it does not just happen. You can not know what your marriage could be if your not involved in it or if your involved with someone else. You will never know unless you try. I say this with my husband in mind. Every day and I mean it, every day he tells me he is so thankful I didn’t give up. You see my husband thought even before he met her that we were ill matched. We had just gotten that far a part (I mean I would not admit it for a few months after finding out but I felt the same. I too felt like it wasn’t “true love” that we were not a perfect match, that we had just grown apart and never should have gotten married). He told me so many times he ” loved me but wasn’t in love with me ” that a part of me just died every time. That he never loved me! Then I found out about her. Yes, he was leaving me for her, i just did not know it yet. And he stuck to his guns but insisted it had nothing to do with her. I did not see it then but he was right, it was all about him! She could have been anyone. Just like your affair partner could be anyone, anyone who said something that made you feel loved admired etc. He moved out but we were so far gone he hardly ever came home any way so it was really no different except that one the 2/3 days he would come home a month I would have to bring our one year old to his parents to see him (FYI he told me he wanted a divorce 1 year to the day we came home from the hospital with our son, thats just to show you how quickly thing can change. I mean we were happy but becoming parents changed us both in ways we never saw coming and it caught us both off guard). He would only call one time a day for about 30 seconds. He was off being “in love” drinking, parting etc. He believed mind body and soul that we were not “meant to be” .So after about a month of me trying to do what I could (counseling) I gave in! I told him go I didn’t care anymore, I had our son to raise, that ending our marriage and family was on him. He dove in head first. He didn’t come home for 3 months, not even to see his son! Hardly called, I let go for him to hit bottom. I loved him and wanted our marriage to work. So I let him go. Well he came home and agreed to see a counselor. And geez did the counselor lay in to him. Told him he was a drunk, need to be home with his family, be a good example for his son and quit his toxic job. My husband looked him and me in the eyes and said he knew what he was doing was wrong but didn’t care. That floored me! The counselor laid into be to! Told me that it was just as much my fault his his. I should not hide my husbands drinking from everyone, stop nagging, get my angry toward him under control. I just sat there crying so hard. We left the office and to whole way home my husband said he was not coming home. I cried and cried! Then i just said to him ” we are losing everything we ever wanted because we hurt each other feelings and were mad”. We rode in silence for about 3 minutes, me still crying, when he grabbed my hand and said I was right. I cried even harder and louder. We got to his parents got our son and went home. So see, even if you feel out of love with your spouse or even that you never really loved them thats a lie! The lie affairs create to try to justify being selfish. Yes everyone deserves to be happy and be loved. Just give your marriage a fair and fight chance first!

    Lastly, for those defending an affair….I pray your children never experience your karma! I mean ladies if it was your daughter in law cheating on your son, would you feel the same. Would you justify your daughter in laws behavior and say its ok your son wasn’t treating her right, he wasn’t showing her enough love, having enough sex etc?? Would you feel the same way you do know now, that cheating is ok because every one deserves to be happy. Or Gentleman, what if it was your son in law treating your daughter the way you are treating your wife? Saying that he wasn’t ” in love” with her or that he never loved her. Would you tell your daughter its her fault, she must not being doing something right, or be enough? What would you do to your son in law? What would you say to him? I can 100% say if it was your child being cheated on by their spouse there would be NO justifying it in any way, NO excuse anyone could offer you to say it is ok. Would your child’s spouse deserve to be happy at your daughter or son expense? So if you think affairs are ok and that some are justifiable then you have to be ok that if it happens to your kids it ok! I guarantee no one will ever defend some one cheating on their child! What goes around comes around, maybe not on you but your kids.

    Now even with my husband home it was not 100% better any time soon. In fact it got worse, so much worse before it got better. It all came crashing down and we hit rock bottom Sept 2013. Yes he came home and we tried to just move on. Never talked about the affair, nothing! We never talked about any of it. That was my mistake. I was too scared, I didn’t want to scare him off. I just told him I would leave his drinking between hims God and would no longer ” nag” about it. So I just swallowed my pride and pretended nothing happened and it was surprisingly easy until Sept. I went a whole weekend with out hearing from him, then he final called me on Monday morning telling me we needed to talk, he quit his job, lost his phone and was on his way home. I was so freaking happy. I had prayed and prayed he would get away from that job and over there and here he was coming home! So he gets home and he confesses about his drinking and finally admitted he had a problem and that it was bad. I was so happy, he was finally wanting help. We started AA together, me just to support him. The next 2 weeks were heaven, he was strangely quit and just off but still, it was great. He just said he was emotional drained from everything. We had enough in savings for a few months so we weren’t in too much a hurry. We were finally being a family. Then a guy from work called said he found his phone and was mailing it to us (we reported it stolen). The phone arrived while we were out of town and by the time we got home it was late and my boys had gone straight to bed, I was the only one up (cleaning lol). I decided to plug it and have it charged for in the am for him. So I am cleaning when the phone just starts going crazy. I check it and there it is in front of me, the affair never ended. I read everything I could then calmly walked into our room (our son was sleeping in there with his daddy) tapped him on the shoulder and asked him to come see. Well he followed me to the kitchen where the ” shit” proceeded to hit the fan. He just froze, hung his head and fell to the floor crying. I was screaming, throwing stuff, hitting him, falling to the floor crying and getting up and starting again. It was bad. I called her told her,she could have him I was done good luck. She said that it ended back in April but that they stayed in touch and that the week end before he quit was the first time they saw each other since April. She proceeded to say he was faithful all week end, Husband said he wasn’t. Which I would not believe her any way because this was not our first conversation (i confronted her months ago right after i found out about her and she just lied and lied). So anyway over the next few days she proceeded to text me all kinds of stuff…magazine articles, things they talked about, how mean he was and how I deserved better, how my son deserved better (that got me), telling me bout the man I married. And I had enough, I told her she needed to stop and that the man she knew is not the man I knew and married. I told her i asked him to move out, he wouldn’t and that I was done, if she wanted him to come and get him. Well we (my husband and I) were in a bit of limbo for a few weeks. I was just in shock and all over the place and he was just broken and had no clue what to do or how to deal. Then one day I was watching Jaws and I just got to thinking… I would literally be willing to be eaten by sharks to save my son but i wasn’t willing to try to save my marriage. That was the day I decided to let my husband try. And thats what he did. He changed jobs, new phone numbers, new everything. Very open about everything. Now it was hard at first, he had to get help to learn how to help me because I was crazy. I was all over the place emotionally. I mean he kept saying he thought I had became Bipolar. But when he go help, he learned my actions were normal actions. I was a typical woman trying to deal with it. That was a turning point for us. He put in a lot of work and I threw it back at him. He would try harder and I tried harder to make him give up so i could say told you so, you don’t really love me! Then one day it just clicked, he really is sorry, really is trying, really wants another chance, he really wants me and only me! And here we are almost a year later and doing good, dare I say great! I am not saying we are over it or that it never creeps up and causes issues. We still have bad days but mostly good. We talked now, like we never did before. We are open with each other now with wants and needs. We just communicate and that has made all the difference.

    I just wanted to share because a lot of you on here feeling the same way my husband did and I wanted you to know there are couples out there that make it and are happier. That even though you feel like you do now its not real. It a lie! Its how you justify what your doing to make yourself feel better about it.Because deep down you know, know matter how horrible your marriage is, an affair is wrong. And that your marriages condition is just as much your fault as your spouse (that you conveniently blame for YOUR short comings) and you just don’t know how to fix it or even where to start.

    There is nothing wrong with leaving a cheating spouse. I hold no judgment for those who choose to divorce. Every one situations is different, no matter how similar. And had I not seen a broken man I would have divorced to. I just want people to know you can survive it and be the better for it.

  445. 445
    Anonymous Says:

    My “affair” started more than 20 years ago when I worked with my guy friend. We became instant friends and could talk about anything. We were both married to other people (unhappily) but stayed in those marriages out of responsibility and commitment. Our lives intersected on and off through the years and there was always a comfort and easy way about our friendship. Everybody thought we were “more than friends” all along. Truth is, we were friends and nothing more.

    Fast forward more than 20 years and we reconnected through facebook His wife claimed we were having an affair, threw him out and divorced him. Truth is, again just friends.

    However, we started talking and realized we had both been crushing on each other for the entire friendship. We started dating and it has been the most amazing relationship imaginable. “Coming home” is the only way to describe it. All of our friends and coworkers throughout the years can only say “its About time”. It was that obvious to everybody else.

    Maybe we were having an “Affair” for all those years without knowing it. Maybe there was no sex or even seeing each other for years at a time. But the looks must have been there for all to see. Our hearts and souls were joined long before are bodies were.

  446. 446
    Anonymous Says:

    I’m seeing a woman that is newly seperated. She was only married for 10 months. We have very simialiar personalities also share similar interests music,movies ,ideas and other things. We have a great time out together. We also been having amazing sex and says its been awhile since she felt that way. We also have been hanging out just about everyday for three weeks. I have very strong feelings for her and she has mentioned that she likes me very much and that I’m growing on her. She also asked if we where at the point where we wouldn’t see any other people. I said yes. I’ve also met her mom and dad and they approve of me as well. I’m wondering if this could actually work out or am I eventually going to be the transition person.

  447. 447
    Anonymous Says:

    I have a very close friend who just married their affair partner. My friend came from a longterm marriage, no kids. The new spouse was not married.

    They have been totally over the top about how in love they are and completely shameless and classless about the fact that the relationship started while one of them was married.

    I need to back away from the friendship because I can’t be friends with somebody like this.

    Is their behavior normal? The nauseatingly lovey dovey “true love” stuff?

    It CANNOT last, right?

    I’m bewildered by how they’ve behaved.

  448. 448
    Anonymous Says:

    Have been married to a former dairy farmer since 1995. I stood by him, for richer or for poorer, and worked my butt off right along side of him for 16 years. I quit my gov’t job that I held for ten years for him six months after we got married. I’ve had no social security taken out of me for 19 1/2 yrs. Three days before our 18th anniversary he told me he had been cheating on me. I was blindsided, I never saw it coming. We were best friends. We got along so well that as a surprise I was going to ask him to remarry me on our anniversary. He got rid of the cows in 2012, the land in 2013 and me in 2013. I was and still am devastated. His excuse was that he thought he was having a “mid life crisis”. He told me that because he grew up on the family farm he never had any time for sports, dances, etc. He went in the Marines for two years but before his two years was up he was called to come home because a tree had fallen on his dad. He died a month later. He felt that it was his duty to give up his life to come back home and take care of his mother, younger brothers and the family farm. We met in 1993 and were married in 1995. He abandoned me, he took nothing, no clothes, no nothing except for around $150,000 from the sale of the farm land. Even though it’s been 15 months since he left my heart is still so broken. I heard today that he has a “new family” in TX. We’re in the first stage of the divorce, the papers are with my attorney. He filed against me. I live in NYS so I can’t even put it in the divorce papers that he committed adultry and abandoned me. Our state is a 50-50 state, I’m praying I can keep everything I’ve got due to the grief and stress he’s put me through. judges don’t care about that, he has to follow the law. Thanks for listening.

  449. 449
    Anonymous Says:

    416 amen sister! Who the hell is a proud home wrecker then slags that poor innocent wife she knows nothing about. How pathetic to believe all the lies she’s been told!!!

  450. 450
    Anonymous Says:

    My husband, companion, best friend and the person I trusted like no other in my life is having an affair with his ‘first true love’ as calls it. They were college lovers and for whatever reason it didn’t work out. They connected through LinkedIn and have been physically together twice in the past 4 months. We’ve been married 14 years and together 18 and she is married for 24 years. S I found out through their ‘sexting’ messages and naked photos of her taken 2 days after our 14th wedding anniversary. He told me she is his “soulmate” and he’s been unhappy for 10 years. I had no clue that he was unhappy with the marriage. She is now filing for divorce and I am still fighting for my marriage.

    I’ve been in counseling for my own personal issues that may have contributed to the relationship. My husband is on the fence.

    I will say that any woman or man that claims they are in love with their “soulmate” while married to another person is living in a fantasy world. The relationship you have is not based on reality with daily day-today task.

    Both of them have destroyed 4 sets of families who adored them for their own selfish acts of sex and self-pity. Neither of them IMHO have self-esteem and are looking for love in all the wrong places.

    If you are truly unhappy in your marriage than tell your spouse and either work on your marriage or leave it!

  451. 451
    Anonymous Says:

    I posted many years ago on this board and close to 5 years later as a result of our “affair” we are still together, very much in love, and getting married. My fiance has the kids 50% and we all have a great relationship – the kids have adjusted very well – doing great in school, love their new extended family and one of them has even gained a level of confidence he never had before. We both went to individual therapy which was tremendously helpful in moving past the fallout of the divorce (which is not something either of us are proud of as it hurt a lot of people especially his ex). Relationships take a LOT of work and communication and sometimes when couples meet each other as teens or just out of college they have never experienced an adult relationship and continue that way. His ex is happier now in her new home and is happily dating and we also get along very well. Life is short, it changes, people move on and sometimes situations like these help all parties grow. Women who have been cheated on – don’t play victim, embrace your inner strength, there is a better fit out there for you, leave the past behind (you are better than that – you deserve real happiness too). Women who are in an affair… get out, give him space and let him work on his relationship with his wife – if it doesn’t work and he truly loves you he will come back (if not, then be happy that you stopped interfering in them working out if they really want to continue their relationship or not). Women who are now in a healthy relationship with a man who had the strength to get divorced and still ensure that his family are taken care of, go see a good therapist and understand that if you are in this for the long haul it takes a tremendous amount of work, apologies and and trying to heal along with everyone else.

  452. 452
    Anonymous Says:

    I had an affair for 13 yrs while married. It ended when I finally got divorced now 15 yrs ago, no one ever knew. He was in our circle of friends. I was married very young, kids right away. There were many things missing in my marriage & no physical attraction which went back to dating. I knew I did not feel about him as I did others I had dated, but too young to know it would matter, believed there were other things that were right. My husband dictated how everything would be, I was only his cheerleader, not an equal partner. There were were many areas of discontent for me but dedicated to staying to raise our kids. Fast forward 11 yrs. I meet a man that I had an immediate overwhelming attraction to – he the same, and also married. He had already cheated on his wife once that I knew of, but I didn’t care about that.

    I pushed him away, never gave into the attraction for 4yrs. Then after another miserable fight with husband, I took an opportunity to be with him. I believed myself to love him, was crazy over him, built a fantasy around him, like all cheaters do. We did not see eachother often never went anywhere public or overnights only to a motel briefly. I always felt so cheap & awful walking in & walking out but thought in some messed up way it helped me stay in my marriage!

    I knew I would eventually divorce, fantasized we would be together. The clues should have been there was never future talk, he never suggested that was what he wanted.

    Here comes the payback! I did divorce, never looked back, never regretted it, my kids were now gone. However he got divorced before me, now single, ended up taking off with an old high school girlfriend & marrying her! AND wanted to keep things going with me through that. And why not? He wanted the girl he knew wasn’t a cheater, not me! But he was still willing to cheat on her. My biggest regret in life is the years I spun around obsessed with this guy and the guilt I carried. I have run into him a few times since ending it 10 yrs ago, feel nothing but disgust, he tried to give me a hug and be friendly etc. couldn’t get away fast enough. I am extremely thankful & grateful I never ended up with him, he was a serial cheater & I was a blind fool. I have read all the stories up here, and all I can say face your marriage squarely, if it needs to end, then end it. Cheating is cowardly & disastrous to your soul, and you will never make it right!

  453. 453
    Anonymous Says:

    I enter no judgement of anyone on here because we are all human.

    Sometimes people who should be together (or at least think they should) find each other too late and there’s no way around the mess. We were high school lovers who simply drifted apart after graduation and later married other people. She’s been married 19 years and has three kids, I’ve been married 17 years and have no kids. She sought me out on Facebook five years ago, and it’s been on-again, off-again ever since. She said once she would leave her kids for me, and that they’d ‘adapt.’ My AP and I were physical four times in this span, but grew extremely close emotionally. She claims the fire was gone at home after the birth of her third child. My wife and I grew apart as well for a handful of reasons that in restrospect, seem silly. Anyway, the AP and myself believe it is love and not lust since it has went on this long. Despite not knowing each other outside the ‘fantasy,’ we both know there is an undeniable chemistry.

    I will mention here that probably 80-90 percent of our conversations were very sexual in nature.

    Here’s the strange part. Every time things would get physical, I’d confess. Six weeks ago I confessed again, and this time my wife took an extraordinary step of sending her husband a restricted letter spelling out the situation. My wife and my AP talked on the phone for the first time ever a couple days later. What a mess. So far it has been no contact for six weeks. The LONGEST we have made it no contact in the past has been about 110 days. I always go back, and the AP is always receptive. Right now I miss the AP wildly, but am afraid of making contact because I would likely end up with neither woman.

    I do know I am not my AP’s first affair. Basically, eleven years of her 19-year union have been a sham. I told her this, but she had no real comment.

    Anyway, my gracious, faithful and loving wife wants desperately to work it out while I continue to straddle the fence in confusion. We are in counseling. She holds me when I need held, even when she knows I am crying over a lost lover. I am praying to God for direction on this issue. Do I mend fences with a loving woman, or take a leap of faith into the unknown with an affair partner, whose loss I am grieving for sure. I want to stay, I want to go. I want to stay, I want to go. I am dwelling on ‘what ifs.’ My gut says to let the pain subside before making any decision.

    Life offers no guarantees. Good luck to all of you, and thanks for listening.

  454. 454
    Anonymous Says:

    Adding to my original post #453, I confessed everything so my wife could make the best decision for herself about whether to leave me or not. Also, my AP was hesitant to leave her spouse even though she said she was ready. I knew my wife would reach out to her husband, thereby forcing the AP to choose her home life or me. Or maybe a new affair for her I don’t know. I’ve not heard from her. My AP said initially she was ok with no strings attached sex for the rest of our lives because of her family situation. I thought I was too until it happened. In the end, I couldn’t handle the deceit anymore. Maybe it was about sex early on, sort of a side dish thing, but it was impossible for us to have sex and not fall in love. Or at least what we thought was love. After doing a lot of research, it has all the traits of an addiction instead. As a result, I have hurt a wonderful woman – my wife. What a mess. No one knows where the road goes from here. Have a great day!!

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Susan Berger is a Marriage and Family Therapist in San Francisco, CA and Walnut Creek, CA (lic. # MFC21193) | 121 Clement St, San Francisco, CA 94118 | 1415 Oakland Blvd, Ste. 100, Walnut Creek, CA 94596
photography by Bethanie Hines