About Affairs

28 Jul

The Other Woman (or Man) – A Paradoxical Experience

If you are a single woman that has been seeing a married man for some time and reading this, chances are that you have already gone through the initial stages of infatuation and blinding bliss. In these initial stages you are not wanting to think too deeply about the realities you are creating in your life by pursuing this relationship. But as things progress and the honeymoon period wears off you start to have questions, you bring them up to you lover, but most likely come away with answers that leave you only partially or not at all satisfied. These questions have to do with what you mean to him, whether or not he will leave his wife for you, how he can justify cheating on his wife, whether or not he has done this before, or is cheating on you now. Getting these answers become more and more important as you become more involved and then obsessed with your lover and realize that you are not as central to him as he is to you. (I am using the term “the other woman” as a literary convenience because statistics show that married men have affairs more frequently than do married women. However, most of the following also applies to men who find themselves in this position.)

Rona Subotnik illuminates a list of paradoxical realities that you may find yourself living with as the other woman. Here is my version of her findings:

Treasured, but used
Being in love gives you the feeling that you are precious and treasured by him, but you cannot help but wonder…if it wasn’t for the sex, would he still want to be with me? If you didn’t make it so easy and perfect when he is with you, by not complaining and making sure you look absolutely gorgeous, by having the house spotless…if you were just your ordinary every day self, the way his wife is, would he still treasure you? If you weren’t providing an escape from another relationship, would he still want you?

Intimate, but isolated
You have a wonderful newfound closeness with this man that you may not have had for a very long time. However, as time goes by he becomes one of the few people you can be intimate with because you cannot share what is most important for you in your life with most others. Friends and family sense you are closed off in some way, and can become confused and discouraged about your relationship with them. You can feel this, yet are afraid it would cause more damage to their feelings about you if they knew.  Your sense of intimacy with your lover can seem more intense when he becomes one of the few people you can really talk to.

Free, but a prisoner
You have been freed from the dating game, from the painful aspects of being single, yet you are tied to his schedule. You find yourself forgoing activities that you used to enjoy that might make you unavailable to him should he suddenly have time to see you. The silence of the phone can feel like the bars of this prison.

Safe, yet in danger
Being in love creates a sense of safety, yet the foundation for this safety feels, at it’s core, shaky. You know he could decide at any time to stop the affair and try to work on the marriage, or that his wife or someone else can find out and blow his cover. You know you are participating in something that is potentially damaging to many people and that there could be repercussions for yourself. You maintain the sense of safety by trying not to think about these realities.

Self-righteous, yet guilty
You tell yourself you deserve to be happy, that you are making him happy. You may even tell yourself you are helping him to be a better husband by the love and comfort you provide. You tell yourself their marriage is already over anyway, or that it’s not your responsibility, but his, since he is the one cheating and you are not cheating on anyone. However, deep down you know you have made a choice to participate in something that can result in devastation for any number of people.

Powerful, yet powerless
You may feel very powerful in your ability to attract a man who is married, maybe with family and cause him to betray this family. Yet as time goes on, it becomes apparent to you that you frequently feel powerless. You may eventually be giving ultimatums,  only to be put off or given false promises. You may find yourself stood up when various situations arise with his family that prevent him from keeping dates. Sitting alone on New Year’s Eve or Saturday night, you feel you have no power at all.

Feeling very good/very bad about yourself
Everyone’s self esteem soars when they experience attracting someone who is attractive to them. However, at the same time you know you are treating yourself as if you do not deserve someone who could be there for you 100%.

Reading the above may bring up strong feelings that you haven’t been aware of before. Participating in an affair necessitates entering an altered state of consciousness where only part of reality can be processed, the part that has to do with pleasure. It’s like being in a trance, complete with it’s own logic. When the full reality begins to hit home, it can be a painful and frightening time. Deep issues can surface, issues that, in the end have to do with your relationship to yourself more than anyone else. If talking to your lover is making it worse, it is important to break your isolation by finding someone who you can trust to talk to.  Therapy can be very useful at this point.

375 Responses to “The Other Woman (or Man) – A Paradoxical Experience”

  1. 1
    Anonymous Says:

    i’m the fat cow sitting home serving this wondering eyes jerk! i hope every woman who pursue a married man knowingly all the misery she inflicted on the family. giving away 20 or more years of marriage is not easy but i decided to fight. i hope she suffer in hell!

  2. 2
    Anonymous Says:

    obviously you need to work on your marriage instead of blaming the other woman. take it from somebody who knows. the problems were there long before she came along. take responsibility for the issues in your marriage and work from there.

  3. 3
    Anonymous Says:

    I think this is a very accurate interpretation…would you please blog on how you think the involved married man (or woman) would be feeling at this same juncture?

  4. 4
    Anonymous Says:

    I have been involved with a married man for 15 months now. We met one night, neither of us looking for anything or anyone. We met and we immediately connected. When we are together its liek the first time, when does the honeymoon end? Neither of us can imagine it ending. However, it is the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. I am not sure where this is going, I know what I want to happen. But will it ever? I keep holding on because I love him and I know he is love with me too. He once said to me “you have to of loved someone to know what its like to be in love” That makes sense if you think about it. I will never make him choose between her and I.
    But at some point I will have make a decision to end if he doesnt make it before me. I have told him I can not do this forever. I love him dearly but at some point changes have to be made good or bad.

  5. 5
    Anonymous Says:

    ive been seeing a married man for 3 months now and im falliing in love with him and i can tell hes feeling the same way as i do but i am scared because hes never said anything abou t getting a divorce im confused but i dont know what to do cause im reeally getting involved any advice?

  6. 6
    Anonymous Says:

    affairs suck, for all except the man.

    I have been dating a married man for 3 months, it began as physical and just fun. Now I’m in love, too late to go back on those feelings. He said he hasn’t been happy for the past 10 years, says he is leaving her. But when? I’m not going to wait for long, what are the odds he won’t cheat on me?

    Men are slimeballs and women are stupid!

  7. 7
    Anonymous Says:

    I am a married woman, I had an affair with a married man, we both fell deeply in love with each other, he was soooo wonderful. His wife found out, so we ended the relationship (we both have kids involved). It has been 11 years now since I have seen or heard from him…but the love I still have for him is there, I find myself looking him up on the internet searching for his address/phone number. I dream about seeing him and us being together again its like a “fatal attraction” thing I have….do you ever get over the relationship and just try to pretend it has never happened?

  8. 8
    Anonymous Says:

    Feelings for the other person whom you are haveing an affair with…..First, you can NEVER trust that person in a relationship (how can you, logically?!?!) Second, it should be seen as a something of a business arrangement among both parties (you can tell a stranger your most intimate thoughts but not your spouse…you have to live with them). Third, YOU have to manage your wants and weigh them against reality (be for REAL!!, the only reason YOU get hurt is when you expect something and it doesn’t happen…simply enjoy the other persons company and make no expectations on anyone and move on when it is time without some bullshit argument that you may lose anyway…leave on a high note). I am not advocating an affair nor am I condemning it. It has it’s uses, pros and cons. But know yourself, if you are an obsessive compulsive type…then it could be hard for you and for G-d Sakes get yourself fixed or something! Just because you can reproduce doesn’t mean you should!

  9. 9
    Anonymous Says:

    I have been involved in an affair with a married man for just over 3 months now. I am so clueless as to what to do now. I am in love with him and I feel he is in love with me. I can’t imagine my life without him! And the kicker is that everything seemed to fall into place when we first got together so I really felt like it was fate. I don’t want to hurt anyone and I will never make him choose between her and I. But how long am I supposed to go on like this? It’s so incredibly hard to live a secret life.

  10. 10
    Anonymous Says:

    I’m the “other man” in this case. I feel alot like these other women. We were supposed to be in love. Deeply in love, but she started to mess around with someone else, although I think it was out of comfort and not just for sex, as it was a long distance relationship that was very very hard on us both. Plus the fact that she is trapped in an unhappy marriage because of family, cultural and religous pressures. Anyway, we had the big blow out and haven’t talked in almost five weeks. I guess we are now in Splitsville. Perhaps for the best, although it certainly doesn’t feel that way. Yet.

  11. 11
    Anonymous Says:

    I’ve been involved for two years in an emotional affair with a man who’s lived with another woman for 11 years. I fell deeply in love with him, and my marriage essentially broke up over it. The sad thing about being in any of the positions in an affair (the man, the other woman, the woman being cheated on) is that you never really escape the pattern of the affair. You keep looking for the qualities that distinguish your situation from those you read or hear about, but after a while, it becomes ever clearer that you’re a textbook case, no different from anybody else in that boat. In the end, it’s about learning to have your emotional needs met in a situation where they CAN in fact be met. It’s a hard, hard lesson for some of us. Right now, that lesson is nearly killing me. Blessings to everyone out there struggling with the same issues, no matter what your sex, and no matter what your position in the triad.

  12. 12
    Anonymous Says:

    I think I’m just starting to get into an affair.

    I just never saw it coming. I am trying to become a responsible husband and father to our kids but something is just missing and this new girl I’m seeing just fills the gap.

    I know what the right thing to do is, but it’s just hard to let it go.

  13. 13
    Anonymous Says:

    Believe me, I know how hard it is to let it go, and I don’t even know if cautionary tales from other people will make any difference to you at this point. I will tell you this, though – I’ve now been separated from my husband for a year, and I don’t think there are any prospects for a reconciliation (I was the one who had the affair). I have lost, forever, the intact family situation I tried so hard to create (I now see my daughter half-time). My marriage was deeply flawed, and I really don’t know if it would have been possible to salvage it. But I will never know whether it was those flaws that essentially ended things, or the way I handled them (trying to have my emotional needs met through the affair). It complicates the grieving process. Anyway, I wish you well, whatever you end up doing.

  14. 14
    Anonymous Says:

    I was the other woman and he ended it the other day. Says hes full of guilt. The affair has been going on for the past yeaar and a half.

    Im hurt, lost and dont know what to do next.

    Help me please

  15. 15
    Anonymous Says:

    What to do next? Find a man who is single and can commit to you. Learn from this mistake, the mistake of giving yourself 100% to someone who is not returning what you deserve because he’s made you his back-up choice. Do not settle for someone who can betray another so deeply. Being the “other woman” does not make you special or the “selected” one, it makes you runner-up in a never ending race for his love and affection. And if Prince Charming decided to finally leave her for you, would you be able to sleep at night when he wasn’t there?

    The list of stupid things the other woman does:

    Stops wearing her favorite perfume when she’s with him

    Switches to Fragrance free laundry detergent and dryer sheets so the towels don’t leave a scent

    Sticky roll her Chihuahua’s hair off him before he leaves because “they don’t own pets”

    Pulls her blond hair back into a pony tail when in his car cause “his wife has brown hair”

    Drives to the Starbucks three zip codes away to meet him for coffee

    What does he do? He shows up when he can.

    To me, From me. Because I don’t want to be the other woman anymore.

  16. 16
    Anonymous Says:

    I have been seeing a married man for almost about 2 years and I have fallen for him. I’ve tried to fight these feelings for a long time but I can’t deny it anymore I fell for him. I do know what love is and I can say though that love is not what I feel for him. This all started from a strong attraction we have for each other and this attraction hasn’t died down. I have never asked about his relationship with his wife because I’m not going to lie I feel the guilt. I’ve gotten to a point now that I want to end this but I can’t seem to say the words. I’m the one who waits for his phone calls and wonders if today will he call me and I’m so emotionally drained from this I don’t know how or what to end this either way I don’t know about him but I will be hurt. I don’t want to be the other women either I deserve better!

  17. 17
    Anonymous Says:

    I’ve been seeing a married for a year. His wife has had a cancer diagnosis and has been in remission for 3 years. They have lived separately for two years. Even though they don’t have much of a marriage left, a counselor once said their marriage was on life support, he can’t leave her in case the cancer comes back and they have a 12 year old. We love each other but I also know he loves the woman she used to be and feels a lot of guilt for her illness. She has become abusive both physically and emotionally since her cancer. Possibly due to the treatment. He just broke up with me because he said he loves me and he can’t divorce her now. The guilt is too much. He hopes one day we can be together but he has to be responsible for what he has at home right now.

    I love him deeply enough to let him go do what he must do for his family. If it is meant to be, it will be someday. In the meantime, I deserve more…

  18. 18
    Anonymous Says:

    I am married and have 3 beautiful kids. I have been married for 14 years – we had become essentially roommates without an emotional connection. For the past 5 months I have fallen in love with somebody different. I might be very screwed up, but I’m close to throwing my family away so I can be with this other woman. I seem to need help – can this affair turn into something good?

  19. 19
    Anonymous Says:

    I have recently ended a 10 year relationship with a married man, whom during those years, i must have broken it off over a million times, and returned to the same situation with him a million more. Why, i guess you could say i loved him, and still do. I have no expectations of ever having a normal relationship with him, but it does not change the fact that i will always love him. We’ve never shared a birthday, a Christmas, nor a Valentine’s, and after so many not, one or the other will get tired, in this case it was me, the mistress. I will never have what i want with him, and its something that i have to live with. An affair is exactly what it means, an affair. The most important things is i have realized is that i’m worth so much more than a moment (when he could get away), and though this is killing me today, i know that i will someday look back at the beauty of our past relationship without the pain it would have caused everyone else never mentioned. An affair is a selfish act, and you have to believe that what starts the wrong way, ends the wrong way. Let it go before the heart gets involved, you don’t want to wait 10 years to realize this.

  20. 20
    Anonymous Says:

    I have a lot to say about this issue. First of all, I am the betrayed spouse. If you are the affair partner, you really need to open your eyes and realize that the devastation that you are causing, or about to cause, in your married partner’s life, will reach farther than you can ever imagine.

    If you are under the impression that your married partner’s life is just miserable with his/her spouse, think again. Most of the time, unless it’s a case of abuse, the married partner is lying to you about the status of their relationship and home life. He is lying to his wife, so is it not logical that he is lying to you too. If you are the married partner, and you feel like your marriage is missing something, have the guts to own up and have a hard discussion with your spouse. It would tend to reason that if you are unhappy, your spouse is probably just as unhappy and you need to find out WHY!

    I find it very hard to find any sympathy for the affair partner. If you get involved with a married affair partner, chances are that you are going to be the one to get hurt. In most cases, the married partner does NOT leave their spouse. If they do, the relationship between affair partner and married partner usually does not last. When you are invovled in something so illicit, it’s exciting, thus the “Honeymoon Feelings”. When life takes on the everyday routine, and the relationship is no longer a secret, it’s not as exciting anymore, and you will be left wondering, WHAT HAPPENED?! Don’t set yourself up like that. Have more respect for yourself and for the betrayed spouse, and the children. If your married affair partner leaves his family for you, you will be left to deal with all of the issues of a divorce. The financial devastation alone should be enough to make you think twice. The married affair partner is not just going to be able to walk away from his marriage without having to face any responsibilities. The two of you will not just walk into “Happily Ever After”. Your married affair partner will be responsible for supporting his wife and children. You, as the affair partner, will also have to share your new found love with his/her children from the marriage. He/she will have visitation rights, and you will not come first, unless your married affair partner is a dead beat and doesn’t want to see his/her children. Then, as the affair partner, you will have to deal with the resentment that the children will always feel for you because in their minds, you are the antagonist. You caused the break up of their home. Just a few thoughts.

    There is a great book out there for anyone involved in the affair triangle. The title is “Not Just Friends”, by Shirley Glass Ph.D. It has a lot of very useful information. If you are involved in an affair, or are right on the edge about to go over, get this book and read it FIRST!!

    My best to all.

  21. 21
    Anonymous Says:

    An affair generates excitement so palpable, everything else pales into insignificance. Yet in the final analysis, it seems a waste of emotion and effort, because the affair partner never really becomes yours. Unless of course, you dump your spouse and marry him/her. In which case, the honeymoon usually fades with remarkable speed. The reason is that once you have made your affair partner your own property, he/she becomes as boring as the spouse you were with in the first place…

  22. 22
    Anonymous Says:

    wow..I have read each an every entry here..experience seems to be a great teacher and everyone has a common theme..dont do it! I am a single man involved with a married woman.I have been seing her for 12months.We are countries apart.I am tired of it all.If I am tired after such a short time then maybe she is not the one as to be married for life means sticking it out through good and bad.She was a friend first..we will end up never seeing each other again.

    I am still involved..however after reading this page I am compelled to finish it..I hope I find the strength this week.

  23. 23
    Anonymous Says:

    Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

    Such a true statement. No matter how you may feel, you have to understand that it’s not ALL ABOUT JUST YOU!!! The damage and devastation are so great to the spouse, children, extended families and friends!!! If you are the other man/woman in the affair, STOP AND EVALUATE!! THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU ARE ACTUALLY DOING!! STOP BEING SO SELFISH AND SELF CENTERED. Whatever you do in this life, you pay for it one way or another. Things may go well for you and your MM/MW for a while, but eventually, it will come back to bite you!!

  24. 24
    Anonymous Says:

    I’ve been seeing a married man for a year now. it is selfish of me. I just can’t seem to walk away. I love him. I know he loves me.. If anyone is going to end it it’ll be me. I think he tried before but he continued. The horrible part of this is-he’s my boss. I will see him every day-and I love my job.

  25. 25
    Anonymous Says:

    It is very easy for you to idealize your affair relationship, because it isn’t based on real life. Think about that.

    If your MM/MW leaves their spouse and the two of you move in together and begin the daily grind of life in the real world, chances are that the things that you are so attracted to right now, are the things that will become a problem in your relationship. Your married affair partner has made time for you by deceiving his/her spouse. This fact, apart from all else, should be the wake up call that you need. If your MM/MW is deceiving their spouse, they will eventually do the same thing to you.

    To the woman that posted above, I understand that you love your job, but if you are sincere, try to find a way to move on. Don’t continue doing this to yourself. You deserve to have a relationship with someone that can give you all of himself, and not just throw you the left overs when he has the time. This isn’t a relationship, it’s a deceitful, illicit affair that can only end badly for everyone involved. You are probably a very bright and beautiful woman with a lot to offer the right person. Don’t sell yourself short. He isn’t worth it, and you deserve to have someone who will love and cherish YOU, full time!! That doesn’t mean that you should approach your MM with ultimatums and demand that he leave his wife…it means that you should find someone who is single and available. You may be living with the idea that your relationship with him is some how “different”, and “special”. Bottom line is, it’s not special and the circustances are not “different”. He may be a good man, but he obviously has issues that need to be addressed in his marriage. His wife is probably not the horrible woman that he makes her out to be. If you had an honest conversation with her, I guarantee you that you would find this to be the case.

    My best to you…

  26. 26
    Anonymous Says:

    I also am the betrayed spouse. During a very difficult time of my life, I expressed some unhappiness to my husband. I was missing our son who had gone to college, was very stressed at work in a way that I didn’t feel he could understand, and was worried about our finances. Those feelings were making me depressed and anxious, and I wrongly interpreted them as unhappiness with my marriage until I received some counseling and a prescription for anti-depressants. My husband, upon hearing of my feelings, immediately jumped to the conclusion that I was going to leave him, and began seeking out opportunities to hook up with another woman, to create a “back-up plan” just in case I left him. He continued to love me through all of this, and we continued to make love, although not as frequently or passionately as either of us would’ve liked.

    Unbeknownst to me, he began an affair approximately nine or ten months after this conversation, and in the meantime, I had received help, and was feeling quite happy with our marriage. I made the mistake of never clearing that up with him. I thought he could figure it out by my behavior. But, he was deathly afraid of being left alone. I found out about the 7-month affair through a mutual acquintance of ours who saw him with the other woman, and upon confronting him with this, these awful misunderstandings of the past were cleared up. It has been difficult, but now we are going through the painful, but also joyful process of rebuilding our relationship, our trust, and our marriage. He did a poor job of communicating his desire to break up the relationship with the other woman, because at the time, he was still feeling rather drawn to her and didn’t want to hurt her feelings, but that was unfortunate, as she has continued to send him e-mail text messages despite our efforts to block her cell phone and text messages. Now he wants nothing more than to put this woman out of his mind, and for me to put it out of my mind, and to move into a new and fulfilling phase of our marriage. He never intended to leave me, despite a lot of pressure to do so from the other woman. If you are “the other woman”, the bottom line is that you may be just a “back-up” plan, “something different”, someone who is giving him the attention he hasn’t been receiving at home, etc. Chances are, he has no intention of leaving his wife for you, and once his wife finds out, there’s a strong chance that she will take action to correct all of the reasons he sought out the affair in the first place, such as lack of intimacy, somewhat infrequent sex and so forth. The man will most likely still be having sex with his wife throughout the affair, and you need to understand that too.

    When it does break off, please do everyone a favor and do not humiliate yourself by becoming a telephone or e-mail “stalker” to either the man or his wife. The man who you were involved with was not real. He was only a small part of his complete self, and he was enjoying living in the fantasy world you helped him create. None of it was fraught with the details of every day life. I’ll bet you never or seldom even talked about each others’ spouses (or his spouse if you’re not married). You were trying to avoid the horrible reality of the fact that he’s married and has a relationship, a bond, and love for his wife, with whom he has children, future grandchildren, and a history that does not include you. The reality is that the affair probably isn’t worth it for either of you.

  27. 27
    Anonymous Says:

    i fell in love for the first time in my life with a married man. I was the latest in a long line of his ‘other women’. He’s cheated on his wife numerous times throughout their years together. I should have known from the outset that it would end in pain and hurt but i let it happen anyway. Its been 12 months since he ended it (because he loves me too much to hurt me anymore!) and i’m sat here now, sobbing my heart out for him. Serves me right.

  28. 28
    Anonymous Says:

    I feel so sorry for you. It’s not you that he loves too much, it’s the easy set-up that he has. Why leave the comforts of home when he can and does have the best of both worlds. Don’t say that “it serves you right”, you are NOT the only one involved in this affair. You only get half the blame. Don’t cry another tear for this serial cheater. Now, pick yourself up and find someone that is worthy of you and all of the wonderful things that you have to offer to a full time relationship.

    I am a betrayed spouse and while I find it very difficult to have compassion for the OW, I have begun to see affairs for what they are and it’s part of my healing process to be able to sympathize with the OW/OM. I need to be able to see the OP in a more human light and cast blame where it’s due. You have taken responsibility for your actions, now DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!! Be proactive, not reactive.

  29. 29
    Anonymous Says:

    Am the other women who just ended a two year relationship…. am I hurting yet? no because i know it is the right thing to do. he will never leave her for me.And I have finally realized that…

  30. 30
    Anonymous Says:

    have you ever wondered since he is having an affair on his wife that the problems in that relationship need to be dealt with. if he doesnt he will carry them over into your relationship and it will never get any better. then he will start to wonder from you when this relationship quits meeting his needs.

  31. 31
    Anonymous Says:

    I too was the other woman. It still surprises me how many wives still don’t give other women any credibility. We are not all home wreckers or tramps and brazen sluts. I certainaly am not. My married man and I fell in love with each other before we even kissed. And when we did we discussed how our love would affect everyone around us. That was almost three years ago. Since then, he has divorced his wife and we are now engaged. Perhaps we are the 1 in a 1000 who actually make it. Neither one of us feel guilt over this. We fell in love. Only people who have ever known real love understand. He had a good marriage before he met me. He thought he was happy. But he explained that when we met and our relationship grew, he quickly realized that he was missing a lot in his marriage. I guess this is a reality check. Sometimes men stray not because they are pricks and are being tempted. They stray because they are not in love with their wives. That is all.

  32. 32
    Anonymous Says:

    You still are the other woman. Dream on in all of your self-righteousness about how justified the two of you are, and about your “real love”. The bottom line is you are partially responsible for breaking up a marriage. Out of your fierce love for this guy, did you even suggest that he should probably try to figure out what was missing from his marriage, and what he contributed to causing it to lose its luster and leave him open to becoming infatuated with you as part of an affair? It’s still an affair, even if you developed an emotional bond before you kissed. He must’ve had love for his wife in the first place, since they were married. It will be interesting to see what transpires a few years down the road after living “real life” for with you for awhile, since he never addressed the issues as to why his first marriage deteriorated to the point where he was open to an affair with you. At this point, all you can think about is that you “won”. You are the chosen one. Well, good for you. You won a guy who wasn’t even decent enough to end his affair relationship with you to go back and admit to his contribution in the deterioration of his marriage and try to make it work. Who knows what would’ve happened if he had? Neither of you will ever know if that could’ve worked.

  33. 33
    Anonymous Says:

    From personal Experience, don’t get involved with a married woman, it’s just not worth it! I spent two years with the ‘carrot’ being dangled and the promises of ‘just another month honey’, I should have known, I was lied to from day one, but I forgave her because I thought it would work. 5 years down the line, we have a son and I have just found out she has been having an affair for the last 6 months. I spent all my time trying to become the perfect partner and somewhere I lost who I was. If you suspect something, LISTEN TO YOURSELF. Be strong, walk away, hard to do with children, I know; but if she has done it before, the chances are she will do it again and again. She even lied about the affair until I confronted her with hard proof, you see I was her back-up plan and even though she ended the relationship, I would have forgiven her. In a matter of a few weeks I feel better and can really see her in her true light. You really have to ask yourself, ‘Do I really deserve this level of comitment?’. You are better that that and there are women out there who dream of men like you.

  34. 34
    Anonymous Says:

    I guess sometimes it is easier to say the you just don’t love your wife or husband anymore. The truth of the matter is that you have just grown tired of the daily grind of life and need greener grass. Grass is a funny thing, however, it always seems greener until you have to mow it. Then you discover that it’s not all that great, just different, fewer weeds, maybe, but that’s all.

  35. 35
    Anonymous Says:

    My husband betrayed me for a year. We are in counseling and have discovered that unresolved conflict leads to a need to release. Some of the possible releases for people are drinking, drugs, shopping, emotional outbursts, eating and, oh yeah, affairs. I wish he had just went shopping!!

    All kidding aside, he has realized that he had many warped ideas of our marriage. He’s not all at fault, I have a hard time with boundaries and, apparently, I don’t cry enough! But, when I found out that he was having an affair, I decided to leave. It just killed him. He realized that he had been so wrong and didn’t give our marriage the care it needed. To make a long story short, there were problems before the affair, but the affair is just a release for all the confusing, pent up conflict. They are never 100% there for the other woman. They are just too confused. They come with too much baggage. Find the single ones that are ready to be yours!

  36. 36
    Anonymous Says:

    I’m in my 6th month with a married man. I am married also. We’re very much in love. It started out as sex, for both of us. We were lacking affection among several other things in each of our marriages. This certainly does not excuse our behavior. But it is what it is. It didn’t take long for our feelings to expand beyond the physical part of our relationship. His wife became pregnant 3 weeks before he and I met. He found out a month after we met. But our relationship did not end, obviously. The more time we spent together, the deeper we both fell. Before we knew it, we were intensely in love with each other. Six Months later, there seems to be no end in sight. We still see each other as much as we can. We’ve gotten somewhat braver. Going out with some of his friends one night, I ‘accidentally’ ran in to them. We spent the evening having so much fun, and not overly hiding the fact that we were a ‘couple’. Recently, we even took it as far as going to lunch together in our town. Which could have caused quite a stir had we been seen (which we weren’t) I feel like we’re becoming more brave for some apparent reasons. When I asked him if there was some part of him that wanted to be caught, he said “yes”.
    I love this man with all my heart. And I know I’d love him in our every day lives as a real couple! I don’t expect him to leave his wife any time soon. Two young children, and one on the way, my own young child. I don’t even consider leaving my husband first. I will not be the one to make that sacrifice. I feel like he is the one who holds our relationship in his hands. He knows I am willing to leave, FOR HIM. But until he leaves, we’re going to keep doing what we’re doing, I suppose. And though it is not ideal, it is what is keeping us together for the time being. It is how I get to be with the man that I love. And how he gets to be with me, the woman he loves.
    I do believe that some day we will be together. I’m not naive enough to think it will be any time soon though. So I will hold out as long as I can. And hope that eventually, we can walk down a public street together, holding hands, and laughing, PROUDLY!

    I know by admitting this, there will be floods of judgments from others. But I do not care. I am owning what I am doing. I take full responsibility for it. And know it’s not right. But I choose to remain in this relationship, because I’m in love. And love makes us do crazy things…

  37. 37
    Anonymous Says:

    How do I fit in the mold? I met my “affair” via my husband, (now ex.) My husband answered a swingers ad on the internet that was posted by my loves wife. He wanted to see me with another man and visa versa, both hoping this would help our marriages. Well it back fired! I was never going to do something like that and we both did not know our spouse had this planned when we all met. They had been talking and who know what else for weeks. Funny as it may seem I new that night after talking to my love that I was falling in love. My marriage had be bad for years. I filed for divorce 2 times always being talked backed into it with promises. After this fiasco with our spouses, they suspected a connection right away, must of been the light in out eyes, we were watched all the time. My husband has had at least 3 affairs that I know of and this event took the cake. This time I walked and made it final. My love has told me from the beginning that he is leaving but it will take awhile. In the beginning I believed him, now I feel like the other woman. He tells me to be patient, but my mind plays tricks on me. Should I believe or am I just paranoid? He work constantly and is a great single parent even when married. She does nothing for the kids. I know, I see this at the kids extra activities. We sneak around because of the kids, his and mine, and it would make his divorce easier. We work fairly close to each other making possible to see each other often. I am scared for my ex to find out because of fear retaliation. Am I the other woman???? Or just lucky we found each other and just be patient???

  38. 38
    Anonymous Says:

    Yes, you are the “other woman”! You are no different from the women your former husband was having an affair with! I read these accounts of “other women” who feel they’ve found their “real love”, and who are just waiting for the moment when they can legitimately be together, and feel they can justify their affairs. You can’t justify it! These fantasy lives are lacking in the day to day realities, and whatever marriage problems exist with you or your affair partner are going to get dragged into your new relationship along with all the previously unexperienced realities of life, assuming there actually ends up being a new relationship, because most likely it will end abruptly and horribly. Believe me, the whole idea that this is good for anyone involved is just stupid and wrong-minded. It might be making you feel good, but your logic and thinking processes are very clouded if you’re in the midst of an affair, and you’re not being honest with yourself. If I could stop one person from continuing with or starting an affair, it would be worth a lot. I don’t know what else I can say, except to do what it takes to break down the walls of communication with your husband or wife. There’s a beautiful relationship there waiting to re-blossom. It just needs the right kind of care from both of you. Get help.

  39. 39
    Anonymous Says:

    My counselor has equated my husband’s affair, and any affair, to a heroin addiction. You live on the highs that you create in your fantasy world, waiting for your next fix. Stop it!!! NOW!! It’s a very hard thing to do, but the reality of your relationship is not going to be what you are dreaming about. Your affair partner is going to bring the same shit to the table that he/she has going on in their current marriage…it’s just a matter of time. I am watching my husband deteriorate day by day from this “addiction”. It is an ugly thing to watch a perfectly wonderful man, that got caught up in a fantasy life, destroy himself. Do you actually think that when he leaves me he will be happy?! For a while, but when the reality sinks in, he will be absolutely miserable. He needs to deal with the issues of the marriage and leave the OW alone. She isn’t the answer…there is so much more to the puzzle. As the OW, you may think that everything will go the way you want, but just wait..you will see in the end. Let’s not forget karma…it will come back to bite you in the ass. Don’t set yourself up…find an available, SINGLE man and find a wonderful life for yourself.

  40. 40
    Anonymous Says:

    I’ve been having an affair for the past 3 years and everyday I struggle with my emotions for him. I love him so much and I know he loves me too. We tell eachother all of the time. I try all the time to leave him but he tells me I am his world and he would leave if it wasn’t for the kids. I don’t believe that because I think men or woman get too comfortable in their surroundings so their excuse for not leaving is the kids.I don’t have a house and the whole white picket fence thing and he does so I truly think these material things keep him there. I don’t know, I just need to think these things because the true fact is that if he truly loves me like he says he does, he would be with me. Maybe I am in denial? This is the hardest thing I ever had to go through. I don’t recommend for anyone to start an affair. I’m wasting so much time, maybe finding a man who will grow old with me. I never date or have I ever slept with another man since we’ve been together and I know he still sleeps with her. I feel so stupid at times but I love him with all my heart. I wish someone could help me through this.

  41. 41
    Anonymous Says:

    Right!!!! Wish it was easy to just walk away……..

  42. 42
    Anonymous Says:

    To commenter #40….you’ve got to walk away. You’ll dangle there on that string of being in limbo forever if you don’t. If he’s got an unsatisfactory marriage, he needs to address that first. If it can’t be addressed, that will be his only motivation to leave his marriage. As long as you’re giving the guy what he wants in the meantime, he’s having his cake and eating it too. He’s not going to leave his marriage! He’ll tell YOU “it’s just because of the kids”, but the bottom line is that many of his needs are also being met by his wife, and deep down he loves her too and most likely isn’t willing to leave her, or he would’ve done so by now. Walk away!! Find a single man! As you said, you are wasting your time and energy.

  43. 43
    Anonymous Says:

    I recently have started seeying someone that I was engaged to in my past ( He isn’t married ) but yet he lives with a woman and they have 2 children together. We had so many plans in the past but because he use to travel so much back then I couldn’t handle it and broke it off. He was my first love and I never forgot him, I always kept him a secret in my heart. Over 12 years went by and I did get married and had 1 child. I wasn’t happy though and we ended it in divorce. While I was married He (the past love) always looked for me and asked around about me but I always ran in the opposite direction because I knew that it wasn’t right, not even as friends. I consider him practically married. I have been divorced for the past 5 yrs. and I always kept hearing that he still asks around for me and it started making me curious. I finally allowed a friend to give him my # and decided to meet him at a coffee shop just to get re-aquainted and see what would happen. It was a mistake because the feelings all came back in just that first hello hug that we both didn’t want to let go of one another. He has told me the reason he never married was indeed because of me. He also said that he never stopped loving me or thinking of me and that’s why he would always ask around for me.He said the relationship he is in has been wrong since day one, but he had to attempt to move on. He said he is miserable but stays because of his kids. He told me to give him one year and that it would all end so that we could begin our new life together. It makes me happy but at the same time I think about, What would have happened if I never decided to get in touch with him??? I guess I am just putting myself in her shoes and just can’t seem but to feel bad about it. I really don’t know & will never know the whole truth of their relationship and if I am to blame. He said he will take care/support his children and I have no problem with that because I too have daughter that has a father who takes care of her…
    I hope that people realize before getting into an affair all the emotional & mental distress/exhaustion that you go through, It isn’t easy for anyone involved in this matter. I know that my story may end up with a happy ending but then again, you just never know…

  44. 44
    Anonymous Says:

    I got involved with a married man last August, only I didn’t know he was married. It took about two months for me to find out. I overheard people talking about his “divorce”. 8 months later, there’s no divorce proceedings started (because of the economy!), and oh, he forgot to take off his wedding ring the other day! I’ve only ever felt this much in love once before, so this is really hard. I’m planning on ending it in a few weeks. The next few weeks are critical for me at my work. I don’t want to be a blubbering mess during this time. Once I get past this deadline, I want to break it off. Any suggestions on how to get through it?

  45. 45
    Anonymous Says:

    I am in the beginning of an affair and thinking of ending it. At first,I had the impression that he wanted out of his marriage. I have always known that there is no future in this relationship due to, he is 21 years younger than I am and we are trying to learn each others language to communicate. We both live in a country that neither one of us are from. He is young, sexy and foreign so I knew this was just a temporary fling. I am 53 years and he is 32 years. Great way to learn a language! Now that I know, his wife is moving here in six months, I feel that I am betraying her. He wants to continue the relationship with me even after she moves here. He says that he just wants to experience life before starting a family. Any suggestions??

  46. 46
    Anonymous Says:

    I am involved with a man 9 years younger. He is married and just recently had a baby. I met him through my previous employer. When he used to come into the clinic where I worked my heart would flutter. It was like a school girl crush. I simply thought he was cute and it was something to look forward to week after week. When I left that job, I friended him on myspace. From there, we began texting one another. Now, we have had sex several times and I feel guilty about this infatuation turned into an affair. I have so much to lose, but I still desire him.

  47. 47
    Anonymous Says:

    I think the affair “typologies” out there help to sort out the different kinds of things that can motivate people to have affairs. I know my own was a classic “split self” affair, and my “partner in crime” was having this same type of affair (there was also an “exit affair” element). We were both quite traditional people who wanted to make our marriages work. I was married for 20 years to somebody who rejected me sexually the whole time, exploited me financially, rarely socialized with me, and wouldn’t go to counselling. I kept thinking there was a way to make it work – with enough love, enough effort, etc. I wasn’t somebody who was trying to escape the tough issues. I wasn’t a sex addict looking for thrills and excitement. In many ways, I was the classic “good wife.” But this attitude, pushed too far, was what eventually led to the emotional desperation that made the affair nearly impossible to resist. Sometimes people who are in affairs really are in bad relationships that SHOULD

  48. 48
    Anonymous Says:

    … Sometimes people are in bad marriages that really SHOULD have ended long ago. If you want to preserve your emotional integrity and not end up in an affair, being able to end a marriage that clearly isn’t working for you is just as important as being able to stick it out through tough times and tough issues. I felt I needed to say this because many of the comments above imply that people who have affairs are all trying to escape into a fantasy world. Well, maybe that’s true, but it’s not always obvious what people are trying to escape from. Some people are having a terrible time accepting that their marriage really was a mistake, that they really have tried hard enough at it for too long, and their attempt to escape from this truth is exactly what makes them have the affair. They’ve been faithful to their marriage to a fault, as it were, and this ends up making them unfaithful – more to themselves than the marriage.

  49. 49
    Anonymous Says:

    You are missing the point. I don’t think that the spouses are trying to escape anything. I think that once they cross the line and begin the affair, they are in a fantasy world. It’s two different things.

    If your marriage is so bad that you have to get out or escape, then leave the marriage before you feel pushed into an affair. I really don’t think that you can be pushed into anything. All of life is a series of choices. The choices that you make form the path of your life. I’m not saying that anyone that has an affair is a bad person. What I am saying is that, ultimately, you have the choice. It’s yours to make. God gives everyone a free will.

  50. 50
    Anonymous Says:

    Thanks for responding. I do agree with you about life being a series of choices. In my case, I did take my own affair as a “message” that something was deeply wrong. I did go back and try to resolve the “real” issues in the marriage, and ultimately did leave it. I realized that if I chose to stay in that marriage, I would end up, at some point in the future, once again choosing to have an affair simply to have legitimate needs for connection met. And that in choosing to have the needs met in that dubious circumstance, I would indeed be “in the wrong.” I decided that I could no longer put myself in that position.

    I can’t tell if my own affair is/was nothing more than a fantasy world. Right now, I wouldn’t say that, but I don’t discount the possibility that I might someday see it that way. People’s histories are so complicated, and it takes some of us much longer than others to understand what it means to have emotional integrity in relationships. I have a background of child sexual abuse, and spent much of my early adulthood feeling guilty and awkward about intimacy and sexuality. I wanted these things, but tended to form attachments to men who rejected me. I married one of these men, and stayed in that kind of relationship for 20 years. Sometimes I think I wanted to prove that I was good because I could do without sex, despite a strong desire for it. In this sense, my marriage truly was an escape from reality. While it’s possible that my affair was a fantasy world, it was no more so, and in some important ways, less so, than my marriage. But I would certainly agree with you that there might have been a better way, and would hope that better choices lie ahead. But sometimes people genuinely don’t know how to move forward, and have to make these kinds of “mistakes” to find out that, as you say, everyone has a free will. Life and learning are never perfect, and the line between fantasy and reality may not always be as clearcut as you think. There’s my two cents for now! :-)

  51. 51
    Anonymous Says:

    I really appreciate your frank response. How courageous of you!! I can actually completely understand where you are coming from and it makes perfect sense to me. In turn, I actually completely understand my husband’s affair, although he refuses to discuss it with me and continues to act like it doesn’t exist. The “elephant in the middle of the room”, if you will allow the indulgence.

    I am not a doctor or anything of an expert concerning these matters, but it seems that your circumstances are quite different…with that said, every affair has it’s own set of circumstances. Different things drive people in different ways. How boring if we all thought the same way! Life and learning…no they are never perfect. It seems as though you have a handle on yourself and have acknowledged what you must do to make YOUR life better at this point in time. Good for you and may God bless your future.

    As for my circumstances, my husband would rather reside in his fantasy world right now and not address the issues at hand. How sad for him. I have watched this wonderful, handsome man deteriorate over the period of a year and a half to the point that he no longer resembles the man that I know. He thinks that the OW holds all of the answers. What he doesn’t see is that she is at the center of all of his confusion. That’s why I say that it’s a fantasy world. I have told him to please leave, but he won’t. Why do you suppose that is? Maybe deep down inside of himself, he knows that it’s just a game he is playing until he gets tired of it. I really don’t know, but I hope that he wakes up before it’s too late and I have moved on with my life and heart. Right now, I still love him, but how much longer can a person be subjected to the torment that he is putting me through. For him, the affair seems to me like an addiction. He has such super highs and then, super lows. It’s very painful to watch him continue to make the same bad choices over and over again.

    My best to you, and thank you for your input. I respect your opinion.

  52. 52
    Anonymous Says:

    Thanks for your kind words. You truly are in a difficult situation, and my heart goes out to you. Maybe the “answer” (if I can put it that simply for now) lies in doing whatever will preserve our self-respect and integrity, no matter what position we occupy in an affair: the other woman/man, the betrayed spouse, the cheating spouse. If one person in the situation will stand up for themselves, sometimes the others will wake up. The difficult thing is that in order to stand up for ourselves in these situations, we have to risk losing somebody we love.

    Somebody I know was once in a situation like yours. Her husband was having an affair that he would not really admit to, that she discovered. He wouldn’t acknowledge what he was doing, or its impact on their relationship, and he blamed their problems on her. Like you, she still loved her husband, but chose to leave. To make a long story short, her action served as a catalyst for him to finally look at himself, and all that he had risked losing by carrying on the affair. Eventually, they reconciled and now have a relationship they can feel proud of.

    There are many ways to stand up for oneself – that’s just one particular story, and everyone’s circumstances are different. But I think the general principle holds up: we need to stand up for the values we really care about, and even be willing to lose our relationships for them. Sometimes, that saves our relationships. Sometimes, that exposes a fatal flaw in the relationship, and we need to move on. But in any case, I truly wish you well in your situation, and hope that you will eventually have the relationship you want and deserve, whether that’s with your husband or somebody else.

  53. 53
    Anonymous Says:

    To be the other woman
    I did what no mistress should do . I called the wife . After a year and a half moving in together quitting a job on my part to take a new one . I was fed up. I too fell in love before we kissed. We met at work. It was exciting and explosive . The thing is I didn’t know I was the mistress I knew something wasn’t right , he worked out of town had an apartment in the city where I lived and traveled home on the weekend. He insisted he was going to visit his kids staying at his sisters . I thought nothing of it. Finally I began checking his emails till I found what I needed. Then I emailed and left a message on the wifes machine. We talked she confronted him . I was scared I knew I could lose everything. I was packing getting ready to leave when he walked through the door at the house we moved into. Threw his arms around me and thanked me for giving him the kick in the pants he needed. The wife and I talked she was not a monster. She still refers to me as the whore and the home wrecker and I do believe since the divorce process has stated she will clean him out. But as I assured him it can only happen once and we will rebuild.
    As a father he is more attentive and devoted to his children. His visits aren’t spend sulking and arguing with the wife anymore. There is a lot of work ahead of us. I hate to see him suffer or unhappy. But to the wives who blame us the other women , the home wreckers the tramps. I’m not sorry , just be glad it wasn’t your husband.

  54. 54
    Anonymous Says:

    To Post # 53…I see one fatal flaw in your post….He lied to you and he lied to his wife. Maybe you should rethink your position.

  55. 55
    Anonymous Says:

    I have been searching on-line for hours and spend more hours in the last few months than I can count talking to my friend about her affair.

    My friend is married to a wonderful man, who does have some issues that he needs to work on; such as: being more attentive towards her, along with spending time with her along with communication. They do not communicate, she does not want to rock the boat by confronting him about her feelings, needs, and wants. I told her not only is she going to rock the boat she is going to tip the boat over.

    A married man with two children that she has known in passing for the past several years approached her a few months back and told her that he was interested in getting with her but had no intention of leaving his family, he lives right down the road, practically a neighbor, her husband even know him.

    My friend also has two children, one of which does not live at home and the other is a teenage girl.

    From what I have been reading on the internet is that it seems like she is going through infatuation, which is escalating to what is called limerance. She has developed the intrusive thinking. They had sex a couple times, twice in the first week about 2 months ago. Since school let out he has been unable to get with her because of his children and their schedules, but he calls her weekly to let her know that he still wants to be with her.

    She says that she loves her husband and has no plans of leaving, but she liked the feeling when they were together (both times he was so scared that the total time spent was like 20 minutes each time.) He took her to a empty relatives house within a quarter of a mile from his house.

    I don’t know how to get through to her, she is risking everything not counting all the hurt, pain, and suffering that would happen if this comes out to both of their families and friends.

    Many times upon speaking with her, she says she doesn’t really care it feels good, but in the same sentence, she has no intention of leaving her husband and no desire to be with the other man. She has always suffered from anxiety, severe at many points in her life, but it’s like she’s done a complete turn around with signs of depression and just not thinking or worrying about the consequences.

    The two live about a 1 1/2 miles from each other on the same road, it is a small community and everybody knows everybody. That doesn’t even scare her. She’s even flashed him a couple times when he’s going to work.

    This is all so out of character for her. I’ve known her 14 years and she has never behaved like this or never would consider it, if for no other reason she would freak out with worry of being caught. Along with the fact that she has never even expressed a desire for anyone else.

    Could this be a mental issue? I’m just not sure what to do. I know it’s probably none of my business, but I know her and her family and do not one to see anyone get hurt, including the other man’s family. Should I back off, Am I feeding into this even though she knows I don’t condone it and am constantly trying to get her to stop her behavior.

    Most of our conversations consist of him and what she is going to do. Everytime I think I have her convinced to stop it turns around on me. She sees him daily in his vehicle. She started walking a couple months ago everyday and even walks by his house in the evenings when she knows him and his wife and children are probably home.

    Does this sound like someone who has no feelings for this other man? Could this just be about feeling good, the excitement? She says she feels very lonely and I know this is not the answer and it is wrong for everyone involved. I am trying to get her to go to therapy, she is thinking about it.

    If she doesn’t want to be with him or have feelings for him, why would she risk everything for a few moments of what she feels is excitement?

    I’m at a loss here, I don’t know whether to stay out of it or try to keep talking to her in the hope that something that I say will click. My first husband did this to me and I will never forget the pain and hurt and to this day even though my children are grown it changed who they were, it still affects them.

    I would appreciate any thought, comments, anything….

    Thank you so much in advance for taking the time to read this and thank you for any responses.

    Samantha

  56. 56
    Anonymous Says:

    This woman is in complete denial of reality. A few months ago, when my husband ended his affair with a woman who lives not-too-far from us, the woman threw all caution to the wind, and began texting both of us, telling me to “have fun pretending” and even went so far as to come to my office to deliver me a box of items (cards, an e-mail, a couple Christmas ornaments, etc) that he had given her, as proof of his “undying love” for her. We had to have her phone numbers blocked, as well as e-mail texts, because she wouldn’t give up. Recently we were out riding bike together, and we saw her walking down our street, which is located such that you have to go considerably out of your way to walk there. We wonder how many times this has happened over the past few months. He cut off contact with her upon ending the affair, and was extremely relieved to have it over with, because it had started to become way too demanding. This “stalking” behavior seems to demonstrate that this person just can’t accept reality, and never wanted to acknowledge it during the relationship. He is creeped out by it, and wants nothing to do with her anymore. This friend of yours sounds similar. I’m not sure what kind of desperation causes someone to not be able to let go and accept reality, but I do believe it’s a mental issue or a maturity issue, as the writer above has suggested.

  57. 57
    Anonymous Says:

    Wow. Who knew this was so prevalent?

    I have been having an affair with a woman 15 years my junior. I met her in January at our mutual work place. She explained that she was married during the first work meeting. I thought nothing of it.

    Slowly but surely over the next 3 months she started to send more work related emails; show concern when I was sick; bring me homemade food, etc., etc. On a scale of 1-10 we share a 9 in interests. (Although sex is good, I am not including that in the 9) Pets, health, rescue, compassion, sun signs, interests, movies, food, jokes, spontaneity, etc. One day she said she had fallen for me, a huge crush. The temptation, after 3 months of this, became too great and I gave in against my better judgement.

    She began her relationship happenstantially with a friend in 2000. Although she says she wanted to leave many, many times in the 9 years she hasn’t. Her partner wanted children…they had them. Bouts of cancer, etc., made the last 6 of the last 9 years intense, heavy, unending.

    She says she needs to make a decision one way or the other of either leaving her relationshp and breaking up the family “unit” or staying in it and committing. I suggested I back out (I’ve tried breaking it off 3 times…she comes back within hours or a day) while she goes to couples counseling with her partner.

    She does not want to give me up, yet feels that the comfort/kids/longevity of what she’s been in is something she “owes” to try and make it work.

    Can someone who’s been the married cheater explain why she’s not easily letting me out of the affair? …and why she keeps saying that she feels her relationship is over but needs one more act of CPR before being pronounced dead? She says she will be crushed and devastated if I leave…

  58. 58
    Anonymous Says:

    Hi #57,
    She isn’t willing to let you out of the affair because it’s an addiction for her. Read what you wrote. She just needs one more time..and one more…etc.

    Bottom line, get out before it gets worse. She will come back to you time and time again, but you will have to be the one to stand your ground. Think about her family…..her husband. He would probably be devastated by her actions.

    This is a game for her right now…the “I need to feel good about me” game. She has some real issues in the marriage and she needs to address those issues instead of going outside of her marriage and family for comfort.

    As for your feelings…you will feel horrible if you are the cause of the demise of her family. She sees you as a safe haven. In reality, she is just using you to some extent to comfort herself and to reassure herself. Don’t do that to yourself. You have reached out for help. In doing so, there is a large part of you that knows this is wrong. It’s up to you to be the strong one.

    Now, go take care of business.

  59. 59
    Anonymous Says:

    Why can’t you cowards tell your spouses its over, then go find someone else!!!

  60. 60
    Anonymous Says:

    Why can’t you leave a not so heartless reply. Never say never that it could not happen to you. No one can understand unless it has and the real true pain of it.

  61. 61
    Anonymous Says:

    At the time my husband cheated, we were married 10 years & had two daughters, ages 4 & 9. My husband at the time, pretty much blindsided me and told me he had someone “special” and that he was leaving me for her.

    The other woman, his coworker (I will call her Hope) knew he was married and had children, but she didn’t care. My husband moved out and divorced me 6 months later to marry his “special” woman. He called it his “new chapter in life”. His selfishness & cowardiness left a family in emotional ruins.

    It took two years but Karma finally showed up. He and Hope broke up. Imagine that? He now refers to her as “psychotic”. The funny thing is, I am glad he cheated on me. He released me of a lifetime unhappiness. It’s been three since the divorce…and I survived, and have never been happier…

    Oh and guess what else happened to the husband I loved & cried over when he left me? He’s broke, going bald, lives alone and trolls the internet looking for sex/friendship/love/anything w/ a pulse. He now tells me that he made an “impulsive mistake” (eating a deepfried twinkie at the fair is an impulsive mistake…we’re talking about people’s lives here! impulsive mistake, my ass). Anyway, good luck to all who choose to go down the cheating road, you will need it, trust me.

  62. 62
    Anonymous Says:

    I was the other woman for almost a year. I was single, very happy and was not looking for any kind of relationship. But, we met, hit it off right away, one thing led to another, and we were in love. He told his wife and parents about me. He wanted to leave and intended to leave. He didn’t because of his children. We walked away and remained friends. I moved on. However, his wife became obsessd with me and my life. She mailed me anonymous notes in the mail, drove by my house, spied on me, impersonated me, followed me in traffic, left things on my doorstep, called my work over and over again just to listen to my voice mail. It was very bizarre, juvenile, downright CRAZY behavior. This continued for over 2 1/2 years, even after I had moved on and was remarried! Court orders were served to keep her away from me, yet she continued. Her actions became criminal and charges were filed as aggravated harassment – a felony. She plead guilty to lesser charges, paid fines and is now on probation and now has a criminal record.
    Instead of dealing with the issues at hand and working through this with her husband, she targeted me in a very childish way that became a safety issue for me and my new family. I want nothing to do with him or her and have moved on to a wonderful, happy life with an amazing husband. Happiness is out there, but for me, it certainly wasn’t found with getting involved with someone who was married.

  63. 63
    Anonymous Says:

    Hi 61,
    how did you do it? I kicked my h out a 2 weeks ago when he bumped into the OW after he ended it 3 mos. ago. Of course, feelings were still there and bumping into her shot his progress down the tubes. I kicked him out and he left to be w/her. OW was ecstatic that now they can be together, finally. Well, i was angry, then I wanted him back to work things out. We have 3 young boys and they were devastated and he could not deal with the guilt of leaving them. He says he does love me but he is in love with her still. They met about 3 years ago. He broke it off so many times I lost count. She will not let go. She knew he was married. I can’t bring myself to not try one more time. My H doesn’t want to go to counseling b/c he claims he knows what he needs to do. He just doesn’t want any stranger knowing our problems…rather his cheating on me. I’m so sad, and my H comforts me a times. But on other times, he gets irritated when I “over do” the affection part. I feel rejected but he says he is not rejected me. He says he knows I’m not like that so to stop being someone I’m not. I just want him to get over the OW for good. I know it is a slow process. I hate it. I want to crawl in a hole and not come out.

  64. 64
    Anonymous Says:

    From my personal researh on affairs here are some of the facts that I have found which may be helpful for many people:

    1. Affairs are an escape from the realities of the world.
    2. Affairs are not a rejection of the spouse but rather a rejection from the roles and the restricitions that the real world makes him to be. An affair makes that person feel freer.
    3. People who have affairs live in a fantasy or unrealistic world for several reasons:
    a. The person who is having the affair does not truly show his whole true self he only shows the best of his qualities in order to conquer his affair partner. During his affair he plays a new role and that new role is not the TRUE reflection of that person who he truly is.
    b. People who have affairs tend to IDEALIZE the affair partner. An affair is a phase I relationship and in a phase I relationship IDEALIZATION of the affair partner is a basic characteristic. I recommend that research should be done on the characterisitcs of a phase I relationships, it a relationship based on ROMANCE and romance is in many ways a fantasy.
    c. Affairs are when two people decide to meet each other and spend a moment with each other and give their 100% individual attention but but they are living in a moment where they are not confronting the obstacles and obstructions of the personal and social difficulties and problems of the real world.
    d. Affairs are secret.
    e, Relationship expectations in an affair are
    unrealistic and have no foundations.
    4. Affairs have a lot to do with character.
    5. An affair is more a reflection of self -expression.
    6. Affairs are a self- choice decision, it was not pushed by others or anything outside of himself.
    7. It is a fact by reliable surveys and professional research that the marital partner who contibutes more to the marriage does not have affairs. However, the partner in the marital relationship who has not contributed as much to the marriage has affairs. Therefore, the marital partner who has not contributed more to the marriage is the one who has to contibute more to the marriage. This concept confirms the fact that the marital partner who is not having the affair has no blame or is the cause for that affair.
    8. It is a conventional concept that in order for a person to feel complete about himself his or her marital partner is the one who should fullfill his partner´s completeness, however, no one can do that for you nor anything only you yourself can do it.
    9. There are many reasons why a person has decided to follow the path of having a affair it may be because of social, personal, relationship, biologic or cultural reasons. Each affair should be handled individually.
    10. Affairs occur even in good marriages.
    11. The stats on infidelity are the following: ( Accurate statistics are very difficult to achieve because of the fact that an affair is considered by many a secret, however, a calculation can be made of it:
    a. 80% of the people who have affairs and have ended their marriage regret having the affair.
    b. 75% of the people who end their marriage and end up marrying their affair partner end up in divorce.
    c. There is not even 1 out of 100 of a possibility that the relationship that began under infidelity will make it and even if your marital partner decides leaving your family or spouse the affair relationship will only have a 25% chance that it will succeed due to the fact that a relationship that has evolved from infidelity has no foundations.
    12. Even though the person who is having the affair does not know it at the time the truth is that what really attracts him about that affair is not the affair partner but rather the “type” or “kind” of affair and the person who he becomes in that affair. With the help of a the therapist the affair person will eventually learn to know what it was about him that he liked so much and helps that person to begin to contibute those things liked about himself in the marital relationship. (This is the reason why a high percentage of marriages that were born under an affair relationship fail.)
    13. If a person who had the affair does not face the reasons which motivated him to have an affair the chances that his second marriage or relationship will fail are very high because there has not been a learning and personal evolving experience. ( 50% of first marriages end up in divorce, 60% of second marriages end up in divorce.)
    14. No one is imune from having an affair.

    I hope this general information will be helpful, and again, I truly recommend that the best way to begin this situation is to not make immediate decisions especially when high emotional feelings are still there.The best thing to do is to Take your time to educate yourself, learn, and inform yourself by reading and reseraching on the topic. Get help.

  65. 65
    Anonymous Says:

    Here’s one thing that genuinely, seriously confuses me in the discussion of affairs. We tend to refer to the falling in love that occurs in affairs as an “escape” … but doesn’t the falling in love that generally precedes most marriages, whether they end up happy or unhappy, fit the same pattern? Aren’t the emotions the same?

    How do we learn the difference between the falling in love that can inspire us to extend ourselves, become better people, etc., and the falling in love that is purely a delusion, that leads to nothing but misery? It seems to me, that unless we learn to do that, then neither our marriages NOR our affairs stand much chance of making us happy.

  66. 66
    Anonymous Says:

    I have been married for 25 years and have been involved in an affair for 2. Some days I feel so confused I don’t know which way to turn. My marriage has its problems but I thought I was happy until he walked into my life. I wasn’t looking to have an affair it just happened. We have been totally honest with each other, neither of us will ever leave our spouses. We know our time together comes after our other obligations, family, job, etc. There are times I wish we were together on a full time basis but I’m not ignorant, he has always been in an extra-curricular activity of some degree and has been married 3 times. I don’t want this man for my spouse. I want the excitment, the incredible mind-blowing sex, the secret moments. I could say I love him, I think of him constantly but I don’t think it’s love… I haven’t figured out what it is yet, I just pray someday before I lose the man that has stood besides me all these years, that I find the strength to stop seeing him. We’ve even talked about it, the funny thing is I know he’d just move on to the next willing woman. Why this happened to me I don’t know life was much simplier before. I wish I could just stop.

  67. 67
    Anonymous Says:

    I have been having an affair with a mm for over 3 years. It started innocently enough, My husband was a frequent cheeter, and I had had enough. A certain male friend was there for me, we discussed the problems in each of our marriages and we developed a closeness that is difficult to explain. An attraction developed and I became that which I lothe so much. I am the other woman. Like so many of you, I have tried to end it so many times because I know first hand how it feels to have your mate stray. Also, my divorce was very messy and I do not wish this on this person that is my best friend first, and my lover second. I do know that he loves me, and I love him as well, but i also know that it is not the “I want to spend the rest of my life with you” love. Quite frankly, he is too high maintainence and I can kind of see where some of the issues he has in his marriage are due to him. I would really like to end the sex part of the relationship, but salvage the friendship, but it is very hard. The relationship has become like a drug, a junkies quick fix if you will. That kind of addiction is apparent in so many of the above comments. I really think we all, including myself have to realize that true love is based on trust, honesty and respect. Evry affair is lacking these things. It is built on the shakey foundation of lies and deciet. Therefore if we think it is love, we’re soooo wrong. It is a drug addiction, and the repercussions are severe.

  68. 68
    Anonymous Says:

    Reading people’s comments, I keep coming back to the question of (a) what affairs have in common with ANY intimate relationship; and (b) what distinguishes them from healthy relationships. I’m looking for what’s really at the heart of the unhealthiness of affairs. I notice that sometimes, we condemn affairs for characteristics that we find in most other intimate relationships.

    For example, we refer to the “addictive” or compulsive characteristics of affairs (see #67 above). It seems to me that addiction and compulsion are not intrinsically destructive. We might, for example, distinguish between addictions that protect our health (e.g., the attachment to the endorphin high that accompanies regular strenuous exercise, or work-related accomplishments; or aspects of our attachments to marriage and family), and addictions that threaten our physical or emotional safety (e.g., drugs, highly risky sexual practices, including, possibly, affairs and some marriages).

    Also, even in affairs that depend on a foundation of lies and deceit, there can still be some elements of trust, honesty, and respect. Similarly, the average marriage, even if unmarred by an affair, features some lying and deceit, and seldom displays an optimum of trust, honesty, and respect. That’s something to aim for – hardly anybody’s marriage starts that way.

    Please don’t misunderstand these musings as a rationalization for affairs, or a trashing of marriage. It’s just that I’m looking for something deeper than the simplistic, black-and-white distinction between marriage and affairs. Reviewing all of our comments, I’m not so sure that the distinction is capable of producing any genuine understanding. Whether we’re single, happily married, unhappily married, cheating on a spouse, being cheated on by a spouse, or the other woman/man, we’re human and imperfect. We’re trying to find ways to stay present in our circumstances, see our own and others’ delusions and errors more clearly, take responsibility, and use our evolving knowledge and strengths to take a step forward. Marriage is probably a better vehicle in which to take that journey – it’s both safer AND riskier than an affair.

  69. 69
    Anonymous Says:

    My post is #68. After I posted, I realized why I’m looking for something better than the dichotomy between “good marriage” and “bad affair.” It’s because of my family background.

    My parents had what looked, from the outside, like the “perfect” marriage. My Dad was a minister, and my Mom was the perfect stay-at-home mother. They “stuck it out” for 37 years before my Dad died of cancer. They did things well in the “old school”, traditional way. Definitely no affairs there … perfect fidelity, in fact.

    And yet there marriage was a bit of a nightmare, especially in the last 15 years, and it was excruciating to watch them interact in my Dad’s final years. I won’t go into detail, but I found this to be perhaps the most disillusioning experience of my life. Despite their best efforts, their marriage was NOT a vehicle for personal growth and development. Their characters did NOT improve with time. There was NO mellowing, no growing wiser with age. Somehow, they managed not to do anything “wrong,” but they missed out on the opportunity to do some important things right. But they clung to the assurance they they’d lived “right,” not betrayed each other, stuck to their commitment, etc.

    And I guess I found that to be a lie, and as much of a deceit, to themselves, to each other, and to their children, as an affair. There are many ways that life can go “off the rails,” and one of them is sticking to course at all costs.

    Boy, can you tell I’ve got a certain amount of anger to process …?????????? :-)

  70. 70
    Anonymous Says:

    To the person who wrote posts 68 & 69… Thank you! It is true sometimes we spend so much of our lives trying to please everyone else that our own happiness gets losts. We find ourselves weighed down with obligations and expectations. Maybe it is cowardice to stay, but for me its easier than having to look into my children and family member’s faces and see their dissapointment. For me, my affair that I’ve been in for 9 months to another married man, is the easiest way for me to be happy. It is not my goal or intention to hurt anyone. Just to find some time to love and enjoy the man that I am so happy to have found.

  71. 71
    Anonymous Says:

    well well ive heard it all now….excuses excuses excuses…leave before you embark on an affair…the pain it causes us loyal wives whos husbands go through this “i need to find myself phase” wanna get a life.you reep what you so and get all you deserve. in my case my husband said to me after he crawled back wanting to try again, that he just “lost his way”..having been married 30 years and listening to his weak story i feel sorrow for him. hes actually made me a much stronger person now, though i did hit rock bottom, but i surprised myself with what inner strength i did have. i have my bad days when i just want to scream at the other woman but i have self respect, something shell never achieve in a lifetime having been with a married man before my stupid husband.i hold my head up high because no matter what i ever did or didnt do i did not deserve that!!!!!
    so if your thinking of cheating or are cheating think again, what you get in a moment of pleasure youll loose a lifetime in pain.is my husband sorry? YOU BET..he doesnt have another 30 years to make up, and believe you me thats how long itll take to forget…so we will plod along,but my eyes are fully open i have no expectations of him just sadness that hes thrown my love away…im trying to get it back but its like paper in water…itll never be the same…

  72. 72
    Anonymous Says:

    I believe I have just started an affair with a married man. This is not something that I was out looking for, he’s my boss. A month ago I was leaving a message with his wife b/c I needed a day off, now I couldnt imagine having to talk to her. I’m in my early 20s and he is in his late 30s. We have not had sex, thankfully, but this extra relationship has already been taking away much needed study time for college. Not to mention, I’m in a relationship of my own and have lived with that person for a year. At first I wasnt sure my boss was married because he would often say that he had a girlfriend, I heard him only once refer to her as a wife. It wasnt until just the other day I noticed he had a ring on his hand, than the next time I saw him it was MIA. That was probably what set off the biggest red flag for me. I feel bad for his wife. I think it’s the fact that it’s a forbidden attraction that has caught us up in this mess. It’s the idea that we could be caught by a co-worker or his wife or my boyfriend that makes it extremely risky. Im giving up my job in about 2 months and doubt our affair will continue after that. I know he’s probably not going to leave his wife. Either way I still consider him a good friend, if that makes any sense.

  73. 73
    Anonymous Says:

    Ive been married for 6 years now and I really do love my husband but Im soo addicted to the other man thats its been so painful to leave him alone. I would advise anyone against affairs. They are so painful and its just not worth it!! I’ve gone through hell and I’m still trying to get to the other side! I’ve always hated cheaters and the mere thought of cheating was a joke to me until I found myself having feeling for someone else. It started off innocent like they always do but 12 months later its been anything but innocent. He has tried to get rid of me many times but I just want leave him alone. I was with him two weeks ago. We know its wrong!.My therapist said we were addicted to each other. Well, Im sticking to my guns and I’m leaving him alone this time for good. I made that promise to the OM and I’m going to keep it. My therapist said I didnt seem to be feeling to quilty over what I’ve done just hurt over this OM. I dont think its even hit me yet! I do feel embarrassed, ashamed and disgusted with myself. I hope like hell my husband never finds out my life would be ruined. I’m not to worried about my life but we have three daughters and my husband would be devastated!! I kept wanting to know how the OM felt about me and he wouldnt even tell me! We parted on bad terms and he even said “IF you would just leave me alone” things wouldnt keep happenening! Words cant describe how that made me feel!! I felt like an out of control, man chasing slut! I’m soo ashamed and sickened! I would advise anyone living in their little fantasy work to WAKE UP and to get out! Its a cruel and selfish act! I know all situations are different but yet soo much alike and its usually LOTS OF PAIN that we all get one way or another!!

  74. 74
    Anonymous Says:

    here is some food for thought. I fell in love with a married man about 16 years ago. Was trying to break it off out of guilt when I realized I was pregnant. he left his wife (they didn’t have children) and we got married. 15 years- and six kids later, he left for another woman. I now realize that he is a love addict. addicted to the high of new relationships and the thrill of the secrecy. Turns out he had more than one relationship during our marraige. I never would have thought it- he seemed like a real “family man” – and I beleive that his first marraige was just a mistake (as he told me) because he was too young (early 20’s)
    People who cheat or are with cheaters really need to look at themselves. It is a symptom of a bigger problem. If you are unhappy in a marraige- then do the right thing and end it respectfully- and then pursue a new relationship AFTER being divorced. If you are with a married person- have some respect for yourself and EVERYONE involved (especially if there are kids) and demand them to divorce before getting involved. cheating relationships have more than a 90% chance of failing anyway-usually within the first three years (which is how long my ex lasted before he first cheated on me)
    good luck!

  75. 75
    Anonymous Says:

    Thanks for sharing your experience, #74 – I found your story quite sobering, especially because you don’t seem to be judgmental. You’re just telling it like it is, having been on both sides of it. Thanks again.

  76. 76
    Anonymous Says:

    I found myself involved with a married woman for almost two years. I was married for 28 years, she for 20 years. Both of us in bad marriages. Hers was being married to a verbally and emotionally abusive spouse, me to a woman who had no affection for me, which included little sex (once every other month or so). I tried to work through my issues with my wife for years but they never got better. My affair was what you would call an “exit affair”. I got to the place where I wanted my marriage to end but just couldnt do it out of fear of being alone, what people would think of me, my kids, etc. She kept waiting for me to leave because she had a little boy and wanted to be sure of my commitment before she committed. We finally ended it. She confessed to her husband everything and told him she wanted to make it work. I did not confess to my wife although she knew. About a month or so later her husband called my wife (even though he promised his wife he would never do that to us) and told her every detail of the affair as confessed by his wife. My wife met me that night armed with that information. We went around and around. Anyway, my wife threw me out and that was the beginning of the end. I was actually relieved. It was over. I didnt have to hide anymore or try to survive in a bad marriage. I didnt think my lover was going to leave her husband and I was okay with that. Then she started calling me. I was thrilled. I love this woman so much and I wanted to be with her. Her husband moved out after she told him she wanted a divorce, and he was out for 4 months. We saw each other quite a bit. She still could not bring herself to go through with the divorce. She told me she had to try again and let him move back home. That lasted about a week and a half. She got an apartment after trying to do it about 5 times and we moved her in. It was great for about a month. Then she started feeling guilty and like she didnt give it enough of a chance. She asked me to back off for a time, which I did with much reluctance. They dated a bit but then she would call me and want to talk. Then she would want to see me. Things would go well for a bit and then she asked for time again. I gave her time again but she called me almost right away. Things went good for a little bit but about 3 weeks ago she told me she needed to really figure this out and no contact. I am devastated. They have started seeing each other again but last night I slept over her house. But again she said she needs to have time alone so she can see if her marriage is worth saving.
    Just as some background, this guy has threatened her, has pushed her 3 times while they were separated. He tried to sexually accost her while he was saying goodnight to their son several times and she had to force him out of the house while he tried to put his hands down her pants. He has threatened suicide if she doesnt come back to him, told her what a horrible mother she is and how she is ruining all their lives. He calls 20-30 times a day on her day off. He complained that she made him get fat because no one is around to cook for him (he put on 20-30lbs), that he cant find anyone else because he has a lousy personality and has an STD that she gave him (supposedly). Also, their child is ADHD and he told her when the child was diagnosed that its was her fault and she caused it. Her being a bad mother brought this on. If she was a better mother then they would have diagnosed earlier and the child would be okay now. There was a lot of blaming her for everything during the marriage and making her feel worthless. She definitely has self-esteem issues because of it. He knows she hates screaming and yelling so he does it just to annoy her. He feels her place is to please him no matter what. So all that is reason enough for her to come back to him. He doesnt know that we are together again but I’m sure he has inklings. He is just so desperate that I dont think it matters. And she feels sorry for him and so very guilty over everything. She wants her son to have both parents to grow up with. But when she asked the son how she like the apartment he said “I like it. Daddy doesnt yell here”. But of course the child wants his parents together. He’s 9 years old. But my lover just cant bring herself to leave her husband for good, but she wont let me go either. I have moved forward and am now divorced because she was convinced that I was going back to my wife. I wanted to show her my level of commitment so I pushed to finalize my divorce. I was going that way anyway. My wife and I were done. I’m glad to be divorced. I just wish my lover would figure out what she wants and decide. I am an emotional wreck with all the back and forth. I want to be with her so badly and we have such a great relationship when she is in it. She is everything I want in a woman. I am deeply in love with her and cant see myself without her. I just wish she felt the same. I think that when I got divorced it pressured her into having to face the reality of an “us”. I know she doesnt want to go back but she is very frightened about being divorced and the hurt she will cause him. She feels bad for him and I’m sure still loves him, just not in love with him. But the marriage is so bad I dont understand why she cant see that and understand that it will be just as bad if she goes back, if not worse. They have never dealt with the affair and he doesnt do counseling. Neither does she, so the marriage has little chance of making it anyway. She wont tell him about us because she cant hurt him again. But she can hurt me over and over. I know I should walk away, that I am on the outside looking in, but I make the choice every day to put up with it for another day. I am emotionally wrung out. I have never felt such pain. When I saw his car there at her apartment and waited until after 10pm for him to leave I was crushed. I knew they were in there having dinner and making nice and who knows what else (kissing a bit I was told later). But then she tells me she isnt attracted to her husband in the least, that maybe she should just start having sex with him and it would be okay. I know thats going to happen. I cry all the time. I have never felt such pain in my life. I cant seem to let her go. Why wont she just end it with me or with him?
    I know that I was to blame for a lot of this, that affairs are wrong and never the answer. I am not looking for any sympathy. It’s just that the pain I feel is just as real and just as immobilizing as any pain brought on by the affair. This is a hard road to walk. I also know that if we do end up together we have a small chance of making it, but I am willing to take that chance and try to work hard to be for each other what we could not be for our spouses. I just wish she would figure this out and decide. I dont know how much more I can take, although I seem to be a glutton for punishment and wont just leave her. I guess I’m just as addicted to her as she is to me. Its sad all around.

  77. 77
    Anonymous Says:

    I am the OW..he met my family I met his work friends and his older kids…weve gone to my family functions and he has declared his love for me since day 1 and 3 years and 9 months…she probably started getting suspicious when she caught him on the phone with me and (the wife hired a Pi had him followed till she caught us at a hotel..on 9/11/09 ..so she gave him an ultamatum cut all ties with me….and He promised her he would…but he also told me hes in love with me and their 11 year marriage was only of conveniance….they have 4 kids under 13..and 2 18 year olds from prior relationships….she knows hes in love with me…and she still has a tracking device on his car…we are both aware of it…I have tried to end it with him but he will not let me go…he’s always calling me texting me emailing me…asking me to be patient…telling me he loves me not her….hes only there for the kids…..Everytime I ask him to leave me alone he just tries harder to be in my life….I am in love with him but im tired of this life…and to top it off…she constantly text me or emails me “leave my husband alone!” or tramp leave him alone…I dont respond to her abuse…but I wish she knew that its him….hes the one thats not letting go…If I tell her I dont think shell beleive me…she blames everything on me…but its not..its him……..help! Should I forward all his messages and emails to her?? or will that make it worse???

  78. 78
    Anonymous Says:

    I just started my affair a month ago and after reading all this I want to end it right away.

  79. 79
    Anonymous Says:

    to #77 – my husband had an affair with a single woman who did contact me to, i suppose, prove that it was him, but in reality, it is both of them because she continued to accept his calls, advances, etc. even after giving me the fyi! if you are a smart woman, you will end it and move on with your life. just remember, you have to live with yourself & look at yourself in the mirror everyday! Where is your dignity? Therefore, my advice to you, in order to answer your question, would be to go ahead and tell his wife everything but if you plan on doing this only so she will get mad & kick him out (& then you get the prize), don’t bother! it will only make you what everyone says you are, a homewrecker. Be the bigger person here & realize that he is lying to you just as he is his to his wife. You may think you are the special one, but so did she at one time. He is the lost & confused one! I know her behavior seems crazy & erratic but that’s what betrayl does to a spouse. The hurt & anger is so hard & it has to come out in some way. The fact that she’s blaming you tells me that he must be telling her that you won’t leave him alone & it also tells me that he still loves his wife. In other words, you are his escape from his reality that he will probably never leave.

  80. 80
    Anonymous Says:

    I am so thankful I read these posts. They’ve tremendously helped me. My situation is a bit different but almost the same. I talked to a married man for several years online
    (he lives not far away from me), I had known his brother offline years before and I’d met this married man through him. We only talked online and that was it for a long time, I had no desire to have it progress to anything more then that. I was happy in my marriage. We’d talked for several years online and like I said I never had any intentions or desires to have anything further happen then that. In Nov. of 08 out of the blue he emailed me a picture of him, one that I’d seen already and his purpose for sending it to me really didn’t hit me. I didn’t give it much thought at the time. In January we talked for hours online one day, something we never did but I brushed it off. 3 months later he really started to persue me. He told me the classic things they all say… that he’d fallen hopelessly in love with me, that he’d never felt like this for anyone, that his wife never had sex with him, that she was self centered, controling, you name it. I did allow myself to care a little bit but I felt like had things been so bad with his wife he would not still be there after 30 years of marriage. On top of this I’d caught him in several lies. He knew my feeling right from the get go. He knew that I would not let it progress to anything more then friendship.Thankfully for me I did not have sex with him the times I did meet him in person. His wife did find out that him and I were talking. I recieved several voicemails from her accusing me of having sex with him, I was called a slut, you name it, and of coarse it was all my fault. And when I was able to return her phone call and informed her of the fact that I had not had sex with him, and had she been doing her job that she wouldn’t have to be so worried about him having an affair I was called again a whore, I was given the excuse that she was like she is because her children had given her so many problems (both are crackheads, one has a child that they have to raise, their both in and out of jail) but of coarse that was not her fault either. It was the fault of this husbands family, in spite of the fact that she kept them away from her children. After his wife found out he still continued to try to have a relationship with me, he still tried to tell me he loved me the whole nine yards. The whole time he was tellin me this the thought was always in the forefront of my mind that had he really loved me then when his wife found out about me he wouldn’t have begged her to keep him around. He wouldn’t have taken her on a romantic getaway to work on their marriage. I did tell him what I thought, to prove my point to him that in fact that he wasn’t really in love with me as much as he claimed to be I told him to leave his wife for me. My point was proven when he refused. Of coarse he fed me the classic reasons why he had to stay, he had a kid at home he was raising, he didn’t have anywhere else to go, financial reasons. In spite of the fact that I did care about him, I didn’t let my heart overcome me, I ended it once in for all then. It was through the grapevine that I found out that his wife found out he continued to talk to me,and once again he took her on the romantic getaway to work on their marriage. I also found out that he had told his wife I came on to him and begged him for sex, which I NEVER did. We never had sex but of coarse he wasn’t about to take any blame for what happened, he blamed it all on me. She disconnected their internet right off the bat naturally. It was already over by then but she was under the impression that I was iniating everything and she didn’t want me to contact him. Now here I am…. very angry. Thankfully I was able to keep my emotions in check, I never let myself believe that he was really in love with me, but yet I want to print up all the emails, all the instant messages that prove that what he told her happened and what really happened are two totally different things. The one thing that keeps me from doing it is the fact that I myself know the truth, I don’t feel the need to explain myself to anyone, I know what kind of person I am and it’s not what she thinks I am and she is the one who is stuck with a low life cheater. This has made me realize just how much my husband means to me. It’s made me appreciate what I do have and instead of being worried about them I am more focused on my own family. I am thankful that I was wise enough to draw the line and not let this progress into a full blown affair. Those of you still going through the process of letting go… don’t let it drag you down, don’t let these men/women feed you all these lies because if they loved you as much as they say they do… they’d be with you instead of begging their wives to keep them. Keep your dignity and hold your head up.

  81. 81
    Anonymous Says:

    To #78. Get out of the affair now! I have been involved with a married man for 18 months and it gets harder for me everyday, not knowing what to do and its causing me alot of hurt.

  82. 82
    Anonymous Says:

    I have been involved with a married man. We had a history before, dated 3 years 20 years ago and reconnected 12 months after my divorce. Neither of us ever stopped caring or thinking about the other, but we both married other people after we drifted apart. Now here we are right back where we started….except I got out of my bad marriage and he’s still attached to his. I won’t ask him to leave his wife, that is his decision and none of my business but it is time to get on with my life and am ending the affair… the only one who will take care of me is ME.

  83. 83
    Anonymous Says:

    Number #82,

    He’s not going to leave his wife. I have been involved with a married man for 18 months now and he has not changed anything for me. I hurt, I cry, I still carry this false hope, though he says “someday”. I want to give an ultimatum but will I find someone else. Confused and concerned here. I hope I will be okay. I am a gay married man(my wife knows everything) involved with another gay married man. What do I do?

  84. 84
    Anonymous Says:

    To #83

    Leave your wife and start a new life for yourself. Your situation is very difficult and the longer you drag this whole thing out, the worse it will be for your family in the end. I know, because my father was in this situation when I was a teenager. It was devastating to all of us.

  85. 85
    Anonymous Says:

    To those who blame the other person in the situation, please also look inside. The other person isn’t the homewrecker, the marriage was damaged to begin with. A spouse doesn’t stray if they’re happy.

  86. 86
    Anonymous Says:

    I agree with #85. If he was satisfied and happy at home, he would not be in the affair. The other person is NOT to blame!!

  87. 87
    Anonymous Says:

    My husband met a girl (literally, 12 yrs old)when he was 19 and fantasized about her ever since.He attempted to date her a few times but the age was a big problem.He married at 21, that marriage ended because of the same girl. He saw her off and on prior to meeting me. We were together for 20 yrs when he became obsessed with her again. I confronted them both, he begged me to stay. I did-fast forward to now.Their illusion never ended.He has seen her off and on all these yrs…I finally had him escorted out of my home last Thanksgiving. He began living with her right away.
    She has a body of a still pre adolescent, despite having one divorce and 2 kids. He is into internet porn in a big way-some ? child porn was found on his computer. He has her strutting in inappropriate places wearing clothes that one with any dignity would never wear beyond the beach…
    Does anybody think their relationship will last? Im still confused by it all. I think hes just a sic Narcissist thats aging and truely has no regard for any woman (he never treated me respectfully).

  88. 88
    Anonymous Says:

    The lady in 20 hit the nail on the head. My husband cheated on me also it killed me we were high school sweethearts. I know back in the day he cheated on my but we were kids then but 24yrs later hes still doing it. It put me into such a depression I tried to kill myself hes the only man I know the only man I have ever been with don’t know how to move on but I know I have to. His affair went on for over 6yrs and now there’s a child he tells me shes not his but come on the time line says all she just turned 5. When I think about all the lies he told me and my girls (we have 2).They are military and work in the same office he would tell us (me and my girls) he had to go out of town for work when he was going away with her. I cry all the time because hes ruined me my life will never be the same I have no trust not only in men but woman she and I may not have been close friends but she knew of me and she knew we had children but that didn’t matter.My children think always thought he was the best thing in the world and still do which is something else I don’t understand why is that. They know what he’s done was wrong they knew about the affair before me and kept it from me.At first the were very mad and were all on my side of this they would say make them pay take him for everything. I know this is not about taking sides I would never make the choose (I would not win there)they are very much daddy girls and always took him over me to them he was golden . So why was I not surprised when they befriended her it’s like they have turned on me when I’m not in the wrong. What happened to not only the mother and daughter thing but woman to woman bond why is it they aren’t here for me I thought they were so pissed off with him (them). It’s not like they are little kids they are in their 20’s so what happened they know right from wrong.I know she and the little girl will be part of his life and the will have to get along with her sooner then later but these 2 have done a 360 on me.We are in the middle of a divorce now this divorce has costed me and my parents a lot of money because he didn’t think I was going to charge him with adultery but I did in court they lied about the affair I had so much proof on them I could right a book telling woman what to do to get the proof they would need that it made their heads spin. His lawyer told them they had to tell the truth it got worse he would not turn over all the finical information requested by the courts they keep giving him another month to produce it and another month he still wouldn’t do it 4 more months have gone by each time the judge gives him more time it cost me and my parents more money. What should have cost 5000 for this divorce is up to 20 thousand I feel not only has he screwed me but so have the courts.. And my lawyer says since were going for a 60/40 split he wont have to help me pay my lawyers fees I owe my parents so much money and its still not over. I think my lawyer is seeing dollars signs here I know he’s over charging us bu I don’t know what to do.I don’t want to piss him off then he’ll drop me so what do I do !!. And it’s still not over now his lawyer quit she said he didn’t like the 60/40 split they got into a fight and she quite now he has no lawyer.The judge gave him 3 weeks to get a new one now we start all over again he just wont quit im not the one in the wrong here he is. He told me once that our marriage in his eyes was over 10 yrs ago and he wanted to explore new things (he just forgot to tell me) I have been trying to divorce this man for over a year now I don’t know how much more I can take . All my family live in another state I’m here alone with my girls (I might as well say I’m here alone the way the 2 of them treat me) For the life of my I don’t understand what the 2 of them are thinking how could they just turn on me I spend a lot of time alone I cry a lot I’m so lonely and lost I spent all the past holidays alone I was left with 3 xtra bills to pay now I’m so broke I have to stay home on my days off from work because I cant afford to waste the gas I don’t know whens the last time I went out to dinner.I know they say what don’t break you will only make you stronger but I feel I’m headed that way. I go to church every Sunday and pray for some help from some where I’m still waiting for it to come!! Is there any one who could tell me what to do I’m not angry anymore now I’m just hurt by the way my children are acting towards me. But Id say a prayer for all of them..

  89. 89
    Anonymous Says:

    I too was a betrayed spouse and I’m having a hard time moving on .My husband was the love of my life I don’t know where or what went wrong. We have 4 boys and have been together since collage he was my first I trusted him with me my boys my heart. I found out he was cheating on me for awhile with a friend a coworker of his I knew other people knew like his family members and no one would tell me. The shame I felt how could I be so stupid not to know I noticed the changes but I didn’t want to admit it to myself. My husband of 18yrs was having a affair with a woman 15yrs younger then him don’t get me wrong after having 4 kids I still look great my body bounce back in no time. His co workers always tell him your wife is so pretty shes so nice I always helped with the parties and kids gathering for his work (he’s a big deal at his job) all I could think is how many of them knew this was going on . No one could give me a call or have a friend call and give me a heads up I know a lot of people don’t want to get involved but we were friends (I would have told ) I dont care how mad he would get I could not sit back and watch this happen to me that’s what friends are for (good true friends)And if she got mad at me that would be OK at least i put the thought in her head .We grew up together I know her very well now she would keep a watch on him to find out for her self and she would thank me later. Woman are just not there for each other anymore what happened to the woman’s code you dont date anyone’s old boyfriends ex-husbands no matter how long ago it was (unless she says its OK but even then is it knowing your close friend dated him or her maybe even loved them once and had sex with that person not me I could not do that..) Now its like every mans fair game I know there’s a shortage of me right now but ladies please dont take another womans man. Do any of you know what damage you do to the wife why is it you just dont care. Once you meet a man and you find out hes married or is involved with someone say good by No man it ain’t gonna happen with me. And if he moves on to another woman at least you know for yourself you did nothing wrong and you should pat your self on your back. To you asshole men what’s wrong with you how is it you don’t care what your doing to your family and children and friends who loved you guys that came for the holidays the cookouts the b-day parties whats going on in your heads. If things are not working in your marriage seek help try to fix it because an affair is not the answer. What my husband has done to me and my boys is something that can never change. Me and my children’s live have been changed for ever. I was a stay at home mom he wanted it that way I put my life on hold for him and my boys I haven’t worked in 12 years now what do I do I have no money he took it out of the joint account he left me 25 dollars in it. Not only did I loose my best friend I lost a part of me and I don’t know how to start over. How do you trust anyone again ( man or woman or friend)I’m staying with my parents now living on welfare because he didn’t think he was wrong in what hes done. He was the bread winner in the family But really how do you start over again how do you find love (if there’s such a thing ). I have been divorced for 2 yrs no one really ask me out I dont know why but I’m very lonely I just was a friend I don’t know if I will ever marry again the damage from what they’ve don cuts to deep. Remember he was my first love

  90. 90
    Anonymous Says:

    I do beleive that the married man should have the balls to end the marriage if he is not happy and wants to move on. If not done,their other world can be hurt more than he expects, especially if kids involved. My souse had, I beleive 3 affairs when I found out, he left reluctantly (said that he did not want to destroy the family!) Should have thought about that before. She says that I sould not tell the kids not to see their dad, but they are adults and hurt so badly. He broke trust and respect, are they supposed to actually feel important to him? He would go to see her when it was a special family time, not want to see his son in hurt in the hospital! Just so he could talk to one of the other women! I have encouraged them to see and comunicate with their dad but one says that she does not have a dad! he should have thought about that. Other woman has a daughter whom he will do things with and he says that he would do things with his children if they would ask him! He has only in writing on bd or Xmas cards told them that he loves them but they are too hurt. he even gets upset with them if they don’t respond to texts or voicemails! He lied to them as well. I tend to wonder what in our relationship was real, or true! He did say that if I let him back that he would do it again!
    Hurt but glad he is gone. He is a fake. As what has been said before the one having the affair can lose a lot…. family, friends just to name a few, but they go into this looking for something different and should know that their world could change drastically. Could come crumbling down!

  91. 91
    Anonymous Says:

    I can truly under stand what you are saying about changing your life forever, trusting anybody again and the thought of ever getting married again just seems wrong….why would one want to! And yes the damage does cut very deep and they and their other woman cannot or will not try to understand what is going on with you or your kids and will just say get over it! Sorry easier said than done when you trust someone that much!
    Spouses looking for adventure or extracuricular activites do so in the right order…divorse first and be honest with everyone involved. Less hurt for everybody that way!

  92. 92
    Anonymous Says:

    I am being persued by a married man, he is my sons football coach who I also have a career in common with, so as you can imagine we share alot of the same interests and get on as friends really well. I find him very attractive both physically and mentally but have refused to go to bed with him as in my mind this will start us on an affair. However I realise that we are having an affair even without sex after reading all the posts.

    He tells me every day that he loves me it is me that he wants to be with even though I am denying him any kind of sexual relationship. We use our career(both self employed) as an excuse to see one another without anyone geting suspisious but we have now started to kiss and get more emotionally close.

    However I find it increasingly difficult to imagine spending a lifetime with a man who can so readily lie and cheat. I am an attractive intelligent woman who should really be able to find that elusive ‘Mr Right’ out of all the single men out there?

    He keeps telling me he will leave his wife and has begun councelling to try and make her realise the marriage is truly over and work out what to do about his 2 children. He asked me last week if he could tell her about ‘us’ as this would make it easier for him to leave?? This would have destroyed my reputation and seriously affected my sons life as he is in the same team as this mans son too.

    All I say to him is when he is single and sorted himself out then we can think about us, if he still persues me then we can see where we are at.

    I will stick to my guns after reading all these posts, the excitment he is feeling along with the chase I am giving him isnt really true life and thank you all for helping me to understand that!

  93. 93
    Anonymous Says:

    Wow. I knew I wasn’t alone, but good Lord.

    I am the other woman. I’m in my early twenties and have become involved with a man almost thirty years my senior, who, oh surprise, is married. We met…let’s just say we are both involved in the music industry and ended up working together. Side my side, day by day, just friends, for almost a year.

    And then I began to have problems with my boyfriend, and as I poured my heart out to him, he began to pour out his heart…relating to me that his wife of 17 years and he have nothing in common, they don’t share the same faith, some ideals, same interests, same life goals…what it came down to was he realized that after dating his wife for seven years, he decided to marry her, because “it seemed like the right thing to do”. Basically, he settled. He had been very in love with another woman some years before, who had rejected him. After that love, he never imagined that first, he’d ever find anyone quite that special, and second, that his heart wouldn’t let him ever fall in love like that again.

    So then, about two months ago, he out of the blue asked if I loved him, and like a brick, it hit me in that moment that I’d fallen in love with him. I had a rather…let’s just say it wasn’t easy, childhood, which made me grow up very quickly. I’ve always been attracted to older men, I just never thought…well I never thought that I’d fall in love with a married man, almost thirty years older, in an unfulfilling marriage, who would, damn the both of us, fall in love with me as well.

    Long story short, we entered the “emotional affair” aspect of things at that point, but both refused to act on it. We talked about it, talked about how no matter how we felt about each other, it would be wrong to start an affair, and about how it would hurt the people around us, namely his wife, and though he has no children, he’s been involved in youth programs for years, so he has alot of people my age that look to him as a father figure…and then the people we work with.

    But of course, that didn’t last long, and after we finally broke down and kissed…damn good kiss, and at five ‘o’ clock that next morning, I woke up to a text message from his saying he has asked his wife for a divorce.

    I got up, got dressed to go meet him (because I didn’t see that coming after only a few weeks of emotional attachment to that degree. My boyfriend of course, wanted to know where I was going at five in the morning, and I pretty much broke it to him on the spot…that I was going to meet this man. This was the week before Christmas, and needless to say, my holiday was pretty rough.

    So my boyfriend left me (which was fine by me, to be honest, he just beat me to the punch regardless of what was going on with my married man), and my married man’s wife talked him into staying (mind you, he merely asked for a divorce on the grounds that he wasn’t happy…he failed to mention he’d fallen in love with a woman young enough to be his daughter.

    And here I am, we are not sleeping together but we’re not just kissing either. We both realize we’re having an affair, and he’s the kind of man that if his wife asked if he was seeing someone else…he wouldn’t lie. But fact the matter is she trusts him too much to ask, despite the fact that he is indeed showing all the classic signs of being a cheating husband. I love him, simple as that. I don’t want to be the other woman. Hell, if being the other woman isn’t awkward enough, try being the other woman who is collage age. I keep picturing his wife calling me “that little tramp”…and it’s not like that at all. I’m not a piece of ass to him, and he’s not a sugar daddy to me. (as we’re both starving artists) We share the same dreams, the same interests, the same sense of humor, he’s one of the only people I’ve met with a childhood as insane as mine (we both have, in all definitions of the word, “crazy” mothers) And even more, while he does not have children, he always wanted them. That has been one of the big holes in his life, which is why he got involved with youth programs. His wife was not able to have children. I offer him the change to still have children of his own…something he’s long since given up on…

    So that’s my story. I’m sitting in limbo. I’ve made it clear to him that I’m willing to remain “single” so to speak, for year, and allow him time to decide what he wants, and also so allow both of us the time to figure out if this is some mid-life crisis fling for him, or a overall rebound of how idiotic men my age are for me…time too come out of the honeymoon phase basically. I don’t want to be his lover, I want to be his wife. Unfortunately, he can’t have two wives, as he keeps saying.

    I just want to know if I’m completely insane. He’s my best friend, and as much as we both know it would be hard, we are committed to, after a year, remaining friends, no matter what happens. At this point, like I said, we have not had sex, but honestly I think that’s just a matter of time. In the meantime, no one knows because his wife is too uninvolved in his life to notice who he spends every free minute with, and the people we are mutually friends with, people we work with already know we’re very close…so for them to see us together all the time is nothing new. They just have no idea what we do when no one is looking…

    Yea okay. So I feel very conflicted. I’ve got every card imaginable stacked against me at the moment…but somehow the whole thing, us, just seems so perfect. Meant to be. I don’t want to be his greatest mistake though. I’m sure his wife is a nice person (I’ve never met her, and I’ve known him over a year now, if that gives you an idea on just how uninvolved she is in his life) but she’s got him trapped, and even more than thinking about how he may, in the end, choose to stay with her breaks my heart, it kills me to think that he doesn’t realize how much more he deserves. Hell, I think he deserves better than me…but he really deserves better than her…

    Help?

  94. 94
    Anonymous Says:

    Stick to your guns #92!!! When he is single and available for you to see, then possibly pursue the relationship. I wish I would have had your strength. From #81 and #83.

  95. 95
    Anonymous Says:

    I echo the encouragement of #94 to stick to your guns! I’ve learned the hard way myself that even if the people who have affairs aren’t bad, affairs themselves always seem to have the same patterns and issues, and nearly always end badly.

  96. 96
    Anonymous Says:

    So many similar stories here it is amazing. I became involved with a married man while I was also married. We had been friends for about 5 years before anything remotely sexual happened. We both had a mutual attraction for one another but never voiced it until problems in our “other” relationships led us to an emotional affair. The emotional affair lasted for 3 months where he confided in me and I in him. We spent more and more time talking and offering one another a shoulder to cry on. We never so much as hugged one another. I believe we both knew that an extreme physical attraction existed and neither of us wanted to cheat. However, in a tale as old as time, literally with the first hug and touch of hands we were involved on a different level. We are still involved currently (11 months now). He is still “deciding” whether he should leave his wife or stay for their son. In the beginning, I certainly did have his family’s best interest at heart. I offered advice, helped him find support groups because his wife refuses to go to counseling with him because she says there is nothing wrong with her (his explanation of course). Keep in mind, this was in the beginning when we were still long term friends and not lovers. I am a very religious person and the guilt of what I have done or am doing kills me. I am in therapy now to try to move on. I have cut him off and told him that I can’t do this any longer. He needs to get it together and determine why he is “in love” with someone other than his wife. We literally hold each other and cry because we have such a deep connection but both know its wrong to continue. All attempts to end communication have failed. We may go two weeks without contact but he usually comes back telling me he can’t be without me. I ended my relationship with my partner because I wanted to move forward and the infidelity was not fair. However, the man I am having an affair with has not ended his. I have open and honest with him that I am actively searching for someone to spend my life with and that I am dating. The problem is, I am in love with him. Only he makes me feel whole. I have also been on the other end of a cheating spouse so please believe me when I say I understand the devistation it can cause. Sometimes things go too far and other times you find the person you have been waiting for. In my case, I guess I’m still looking. I hope I can love someone else the way I love him. Moving forward is the hardest part.

  97. 97
    Anonymous Says:

    I am the “other woman” and was involved with a married man for over a year and a half. We, or I thought, fell in love after about 5 months of seeing each other. He left his wife three different times and has just returned to her for the third time. At first I was very devestated over him returning to her and feeling as though I was the only one losing out in this triad but I have come to realize, after much thought, that I am not the one losing out here. His wife is because she is the one who deserves so much more than he has given her or will probably give her. He has been deceptive to her as well as me and I truly wish I could take the pain I have caused her away, but alas I can not. I also hope she wakes up and realizes that he is a calculating lieing husband who only cares about what he thinks is best for him. She thinks I was the only person he had an affair with but I am not. He had one other one night stand and an emotional affair with someone else here at work that he admitted was very difficult for him to get over. I am committed to never speaking with or seeing him again regardless if they do end up working out their marriage. He has hurt me tremendously by promises he couldn’t keep for one reason or another and I was a huge fool for believing him. At the end of the day I was the one left humiliated and alone. I definitely learned my lesson and hope that others will before they cross the line and cause the pain that everyone is inevitably going to feel.

  98. 98
    Anonymous Says:

    #96, I hear you. Except for the part about your being deeply religious, your story is almost exactly like mine! Sometimes when I read stories that are reminiscent of my own, I feel like I’m a tired old cliche (anybody else get that feeling …?). Other times, it helps to realize that my experiences are actually pretty common. These things are a bona fide part of the human drama, even though they’re not the scripts we thought we’d be following when we were starting out in life. And eventually, we’ll sort them out, I’m sure. A sense of humour in the middle of all the hurt and the pain is probably not a bad idea.

  99. 99
    Anonymous Says:

    Im a married woman in love with a married man who we met by working together. We have been “seeing” each other vary rarely, but always texting for almost 3 years now. He wanted to give up his life and kids for me, but I couldnt see a way… now he just texted me to say his wife has fallen pregnant after an “accident” Im gutted and feel physically sick.. of course they were sleeping together, its his wife after all !!
    he says he still loves me but now because of this baby will be “stuck” with his wife forever now and miserable.
    Im not sure how to carry on, the love I feel runs so deep…I will have to try but I have to work with this man. .(

  100. 100
    Anonymous Says:

    To #99: What do you want to do? Can you deal with being married and having this man on the side? Can you lead this double life without hurting anyone but yourself? These are questions you must ask yourself. Everyone deserves happiness. Where and with whom is happiness with you? I am #83, still involved, yet still married. I can understand the deep feeling of love, I am there now. I will figure it out. Some things just take time, but how long?

  101. 101
    Anonymous Says:

    #100/83, I think they can take QUITE a long time, if my own experience is any indication. Four years ago, I was unhappily married and in a rather vulnerable state, looking after my terminally ill mother. Mr. Wonderful, himself partnered for ten years, gave me all the classic lines (“Nobody understands me like you do … I realize I’ve never really fallen in love before”), and I fell in love with him. I took him very seriously, and two years ago, left my marriage (though before this emotional affair was consummated; it eventually was this year). The love of my life is still on the fence and I’ve kind of accepted that he’s the type who always will be. I’m still in love with him, but I’m slowly allowing myself to put less stake in what he says he feels about me, and what he says he wants to do. I’ve tried to force myself out of this affair, but have accepted that I’ve had to follow my own process in coming terms with what happened. I’m glad I left my marriage, but in retrospect, I guess I didn’t leave it for something better. My own consolation is that I genuinely love this man, and acted sincerely. Nobody can take that away from me. But the next step is to stop allowing myself to be in the emotional bind that that love has created. But I’m okay. You will be, too, in time, whatever happens with your affair.

  102. 102
    Anonymous Says:

    I am married, he is married, our affair has gone on 10+ years. My husband had previously discovered us twice. Just a few months ago his wife found an email from me on his cell. Since that time he has ceased all contact. My question is this. How can two people be involved for ten years and one day just stop without so much a goodbye. I don’t want to sleep because he is in my dreams, I don’t want to be awake because I can’t stop thinking about him. When will it ever get better. One day I am angry, the next I am desperate to send a email or call, the next I am crying……..it just never ends. If I had it to do all over again, yes I would. I think you have to have experienced love to know that you have lost it. And think about this, isn’t it ironic that the person who breaks your heart is the only person that can fix it.

  103. 103
    Anonymous Says:

    Okay, fellow travelers on the path of absurdity, it’s Valentine’s Day as I write this. How many of you are trying to keep your spirits up while your lovers are out for dinner with their spouses or partners? How many of you settled for a Valentine’s date with your lovers on Friday, so as not to interefere with their “real” lives? How many of you declined dates with other, available men/women, who might actually have appreciated you, so that you could be faithful to your philandering lovers?? Is it just me?? If it’s you, too, I will raise a glass of wine tonight to our collective healing! Love to everyone else out there who for some reason needs to learn this lesson. :-)

  104. 104
    Anonymous Says:

    I just ended an affair the day after valentines because I love him. Forget about the chocolates and flowers.. we had climbed a mountain and had lunch at the top. I was the married one, with no children, but in an increasingly fractious relationship and meeting this man was like a shot of lightening. He is not married but has children, is too soft and nice a guy and really adores his kids and will put up with abuse from his partner. She has taken over his house and he has no choice but to leave, but is reluctant because of his kids and the home he worked on. I have been a refuge for him and we really are friends, but I felt that I could not listen to his story anymore as he had to make decisions on his own. I have been seperated since meeting him and have no regrets about that. Some of the comments here do not take into account that people can be in very bad relationships and are trapped by circumstances. It was very hard to end it but I do realise it had got out of hand and lying and supterfuge are not great justifications for love. A dose of reality is the best medicine. I do think we will reconnect later as the basis was more a friendship than sex, though that department was a real shot in the arm for both of us after years of non existent intimate life. Jeez .. humans have needs and if they are not met they are going to come out somewhere. Neither one of us cheated before and I can’t see anything happen like this again. good luck everyone

  105. 105
    Anonymous Says:

    I searched out this site from curiosity. My heart is heavey, my eyes cry nearly daily, I pray to God for guidance and forgiveness, and I no longer can afford therapy. My husband was my high school sweetheart and I loved him dearly. After years and year and years of physical and emotional abuse, I think I had a breakdown. I met a man who was married. My mind was not clear. I thought I could deal with it all. I ended up getting the strength to end my marriage. It was a very ugly and sorted mess. I am now single, struggling financially but probably much better off emotionally, and still seeing “my friend” after 10 years. He is my best friend. He loves his wife, hs children and they are tied very closely to his career. My therapist said this relationship wasn’t bad for me because it taught me that I am lovable and that some men are nice. He told me, however, he hopes that when I leave I do so thinking the I have been lucky to have experienced this relationship. My emotions are like a roller coaster: one day thinking I can handle this; the next day thinking I should end this out of love for him and his family not wanting to hurt them; the next day thinking he is just using me (and I knwo he is not); the next day thinking why am I so unlovable, what I have done that leaves me alone in this world. I have no answers. I know there are similarities in all of our stories. I will tell you that if his wife ever was suspicious I would do my best to cover for him. He does love her and wants her to be his life partner.

  106. 106
    Anonymous Says:

    I am involved with a married man for the past three to four months now, and I am very ashamed of it, but I need to declare I am very much innocent party. I loved him, we met in our work, he pursued me, I never wanted to get involved with a married man knowing that we will not have a future. But, we started the affair very very accidentally. He done so much things for me, I never take him into my considerations at first, but he always at the point of time finds ways and means to meet me, date me out, do extra-ordinary things for me. Then gradually, he captured my heart, I felt something tickle my heart, I fell in love with him after many months working with him and going out with him because of work. I subconsciously fell in love with him, and am now struggling to leave him. He mentioned he will not leave his wife due to responsibility (he is now 50 plus knew his wife since 18 years old), and also financial drainage if he were to leave his wife. He seems to be my perfect ones, we share so much things in common, in work and in character. I am 35 years old, I am now in the state of always finding ways to leave him, I was quite temperamental and did mention will he leave his wife for me, I threaten to leave him, but in my heart i cant, I will still return to him. He told me his wife had recovered from cancer, thus their sexual life was not satisfying and they did not perform sexual activity for more than 2 years. I felt this is none of my business, I cried almost every night, I felt he used me, I wish to leave him but I find difficulties. He is so accomodating to me and with my needs. I am an independent woman who is very devoted to my work and has been a workaholic. I really love him because he is the best guy in comparision to my ex boyfriends and my current persuers, he is so caring, sensitive, matured and have a great sense of humour. It is a great contrast to my fellow guy friends who appeared to be very immature, uncaring and insensitive. He said he really loved me but cant ‘afford’ to leave his wife. Pls advice me what shall i do and how shall I forget him. I really this has never happened, I never want to be the other woman, but it has happened and it seems like a no return…………….

  107. 107
    Anonymous Says:

    #106….. leave him. It takes about a month to start feeling better about not having him in your life. If you do not leave him you are going to end up hurting much much worse. If he has already told you he isn’t going to leave his wife then he means it. Most of the time they don’t even when they tell you they will. You are still young and have time to find someone that is available for a full relationship. Not one shrouded in secrecy. Please take me advice and get out before you get in too much farther. Nothing good will come out of this for you. He is only acting the way towards you that he is because he wants for you to stay in the affair. Believe me when I say you really don’t mean anything to him. I really do know.

  108. 108
    Anonymous Says:

    I am grateful to find this site and all these stories. Not too many of women being the one having the affair with younger men though. It came out of nowhere for me; didn’t even realize I was unhappy. Just kind of settled into the 14 year marriage thought it was for better or worse and got tired of his depressions up/down and his abusive/anger behavior – on and off throughout the years. We both started ignoring each other and going out and partying with others and stopped communicating. I found a young man 14 years younger than me (I was 39 / he was 25) He was from a different country here temporarily for work. We had so much fun together even though each time we were together it was an incredible effort for both of us. I forgot about everything when I was with him. He was charming, funny and we really connected. We are a lot alike in the sense of our zest for life and people. I know we would have a blast if we could travel together. I know it was a fantasy. He awakened me; turned on the light. Made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. It went on for about 4 months and then he went back home to his country. I have been moving on, recommitted to my family and working hard to live a life of honesty and love for them but I cannot stop thinking about him. Even though my husband knows I had this affair and we have really been getting along great and communicating really well I still long for this other person. It’s like this control thing. I travel for work and I wish I could be with the other one. I want to have both men in my life for they both give me something special and unique. i don’t ever see myself with the other man full time; he’s too young and has not lived yet; doesn’t even know who he is. I actually like being the older one, wiser one, almost want to be like his muse… I want him to be happy and find someone who believes in him to be everything he is meant to be. I just want to be that person until he does. I cannot get him out of my head.. go over every detail we spent together daily. Songs, scents, driving on certain streets… it sometimes makes me cry for no reason. We are in touch a little bit through the internet. I can’t stop. It is an addiction. Don’t know if I’ll ever see him again but I’ve been willing a trip near his country. It takes a lot of energy out of me and sometimes distracts me from what I’m supposed to be doing. Guess I just need to go back into therapy. I can never tell my husband my true conflicts within my head. Sometimes I just wish he would have an affair and we’d be even. Is it possible to have an open marriage?

  109. 109
    Anonymous Says:

    #108, I don’t know if it’s possible to have an open marriage, but I do remember asking myself that a few years ago when I was in a position not unlike yours. I remember reading up on polyamory online, for example, and considering whether that lifestyle might work for me. In the end, I concluded that while I can love more than one person at the same time, I can only be IN LOVE with one person. And I was no longer in love with my husband. The big test for me was, would I still be attracted to the open marriage concept if I divorced my husband and married my lover (who I was very much in love with), and then my lover/new husband wanted an open marriage. How much of a polyamorist would I be under THOSE circumstances? When I put the question to myself this way, I realized that no, I’d definitely want HIM all to myself and my thoughts of an open marriage were simply my own rather weak and selfish way of trying to cope with an unhappy marriage. Don’t get me wrong there – I’m not trying to be judgmental of myself or you by mentioning “weakness” and “selfishness” – it’s just that sometimes we say we want to be unconventional or creative in our lifestyles, but then we find we want the alternative lifestyle strictly on our own terms, to suit our own needs and nobody else’s, and there’s little courage in that. In some cases, of course, both spouses might agree to an open marriage, so there’s an element of fairness there, at least within the primary relationship, but then I wonder about the other “secondary” people they get involved with … maybe those people would fall in love and stay involved, hoping that the secondary relationship would development into a primary one ……. and then find themselves drowning their sorrows on sites like this as the “other woman” or the “other man”. Still, I like discussions of these issues – it gets you into the sticky issues where you really test how you feel when push comes to shove. Anyway, good luck sorting things out.

  110. 110
    Anonymous Says:

    Almost a month ago my four year affair/relationship (whatever it was)ended ver badly and dramatically. Quite simply i called his wife and told her where he was. he behaved very agreesively towards me nad told me in his fury that it had just been all about sex and that would be his story to his wife. He also told me that wouild never know what i lost . I have felt very bad since then grief anger releif and an overwleming urge to see him amd talk to him. I am ashamed to say i have e mailed him amd phoned him a nd have even driven past his house. He has not contacted me since that night.

    reading all these posts my story is so similar, shared intersts, developing friendship and eventually a full bown relationship/affair. I was even told i was a soulsmate , his only friend. We spent a lot ot tiem together holidays and weekenda way seen each other 3/5 times per week .He phoned me everyday,
    In November 08 his wife found oud and he terminated our relationship by phone his words. i was complerlety devatasted and very depressed. I worked hard to try and rebuild my life. Two months later he called me and i foolishly returned that call. i got the whole sob story he had wronged me made a mistake his marriage would never work out you now the script. So for he last year I found myself in a sitution of constant stres and anxiety he spent significntly less time with me , disappeared fro weeks didnt contact mr ( on holidays withis wife they had no children) I broke up wuth him may times and he was alwyas able to break my resolve, I had no strength at all. I also aske him many time s to be hinest nad that if hecould be happy with is wife i would be happy for himand pleaded withhim not to mislead me agsin. You can guess the kind of reassurance i recieved
    About two months ago his wife fouund out that he had been in touch with me i believe he only adnmitted to an occasional meeting.He was a very sorry man very upset and i gave considerable emotional support.
    he was working htrogh the process to leave his marriage , she would not accept ther were always problems and he wanted to end things in his time with the least damage possible, he wanted her to accept that ther marriage had been over for a long time an dpalnned to put his house on the market.
    He was never a generous man he bought me a beautiful very expensive ring he had never given me jewellery. he told me that he wanted to acknowledge how wonderful are relationship had been nad how much he valued and loved me.
    For the next couple of weeks i became increasinglu distressed i feared that he was going to leave me again. i agian asked him to be honest with me and said thet i did not want to go throuhgh another year of deception I told him again that if he could really sort his marriage out i would be hurt but ulimately happy for him, He againreassured me that he was making plans to change his life i clearly told him that any changes could not be founded on me or our relationdhip but had to be best for him and that ther were nio guatantees of a furutre for us.I did say that i would like the opportunity to have a normal relationship.
    A couple of weeks later i found myself watching him levemy company to step outside to phone his wife no doubt to offer her reassurance that he was in fact just on a business trip. I dont know what he said. We had had a lovely evening. He was agitated.
    I will never know what happended but it wasas if a switch flipped in my brain and i knew there ould only be more and more lies and i would again be very hurt. I left and then called his wife. His ensuing aggresson and haste to go home told me all i ever needed to know.
    A month later i still have mixed feelings regret shame relief loneliness anger a desire to see him gain. i will always wonder how i allowed myself to be so used for so long. I torture myself with trying to work out was there ever any genuine feelings/ friendship for me
    I am ashamed that i called his wife and that my beahviour has hurt her yet i know she will not have been told the truth i am very tempted to send her th ering he gave me all the gifts he gave me all the telephone bills tha show all his calls. I want to but that desire will pass and woul donly hurt her more.
    I am not young i have lost all my friends and am quite alone. I have wasted four years of my life my physical and mental health has suffered.
    I sort of know why i fell into and peresisted with is relationship and am now in therapy to help me sort myself out. I am srtuggling and believe that all is well in his life he has most liely been forgiven again and all his well and he will nevr have to assume any real responsiblity for his deception for so long to two decent women. I am paying the price for my behaviour and he wil have got off scot free.
    So while life and love is complicated never ever accept a relationsip with someone who is married it isnt right and you will be the one suffering alone.

  111. 111
    Anonymous Says:

    This message is for # 101, from #83… When I read you posting to try and better understand the situation that I am in (and still)…I thought I was the only one who felt or thought like this. I am on the fence and so is he. I guess to ease the stress I have come to accept the way he is and always will be. This is the second time this has happened to me in my life, the first time was when I was 22, now 38,. I do love him, and care for him deeply. I guess just take one day at a time, (like he says). I guess I “left” my marriage, but for something better???? To #101, I will be okay, someday………

  112. 112
    Anonymous Says:

    I have a little different take on this whole area – maybe because I’ve been on all sides of this issue – from my parents marriage to my own marriages and as the other woman. A connection between all of those situations? Probably,but I’ve also done a lot thinking and soul-searching. So, for what it’s worth, here are my learnings:
    People cheat for different reasons and their is no “one-size fits all” way to respond. Simple answers are tempting and usually wrong.

    If you think your spouse is cheating or about to cheat, you’re probably right unless you’re carrying baggage from a past hurt, have guilt about your own actions or thoughts about cheating that you’re projecting onto them or pathologically insecure and jealous.

    Get your ducks in a row before you make any move. Pack a “quick escape” bag in case things get really bad. Get a handle on your finances and resources. Check the credit card balances, your bank balances and get copies made of your important papers. (Call it emergency preparedness). Do this under the radar. Get some money put aside. Regardless of how the thing plays out or what you decide to do ultimately – this is good self-protection and helps you feel less helpless.

    Don’t make any dramatic changes in your behavior or situation until you have a chance to sort out your feelings and what you want. I don’t agree that it’s always the best thing to confront your spouse about their stepping out. That’s your ace in the hole – make sure you know more than they know you know. Get away for a weekend or a week for some “legitimate” non-suspicious reason so you have some time to have a fit, cry, scream, think, get drunk or whatever without your spouse seeing you a mess. While you’re at it, get your hair and nails done and if you can afford it, a spa treatment, new make-up and a new attractive outfit that’s outside your normal style. (It’s being good to you – self-pity and acting like a victim are your enemy right now) Then you can decide your strategy.

    If you want to try to get past the affair(or just to keep your options open) – time to be brutally honest with yourself about your marriage and whether there is anypart that you have to own in this situation. Is your marriage stale? Have you both let the day to day stuff suffocate the man-woman relationship? Have you both experienced life setbacks that have exposed the ugly sides and shortcomings of each other? Are you carrying resentments or punishing your spouse?

    Don’t start with the whining “yeah, but I’m not the one who cheated, I’m the victim”. – It doesn’t matter – the only person you can do anything about is you. Is it fair – No – it sucks, but it’s reality and right now, you need reality more than you need pity.

    Once these pieces are in place, start thinking about what you need to take care of yourself, if the “crap hits the fan” – quietly start getting an idea of affordable apartments; if you’re not working – start a class or start volunteering or doing something that can increase your employment skills. Right now is time to live from your head, not your heart. This is about survival strategy and positioning.

    You “seeming” a little different, a little more self-assured, a little more interesting, and a little less focused on him may confuse him. Assure him everything is fine. Let him do some worrying, and introduce a little mystery and uncertainty. For God’s sake, don’t fall into his arms the first time he shows a little attention. Flirt, be pleasant, but also play a little hard-to-get. If boredom and taking each other forgranted has been part of the problem – this starts to fix that. You are rebuilding your life in a way that will help you with or without him.

    There’s no guarantee that this will resuscitate your marriage, but I can guarantee that playing the victim role and “how could you do this to me?!” won’t work. Pitful is not attractive. I think the old southern woman had a much better way of dealing with the reality and likelihood of a straying spouse, and they usually won the wars, even though they lost some battles. I think we’re more niave than they were and have unrealistic expectations about marriage. Be smarter and stronger.

  113. 113
    Anonymous Says:

    I was 22. He was 32. I was so young and stupid. When I look back now I see just how much he manipulated me, to the extent that it could be considered abuse. So many of you think you are soooo in love. What you really are in is a fairy tale. Be prepared too because not all wives will look to their husbands as the bad guys. To the wife, the wife’s family, and your lovers family you are nothibg but a piece of sh*t, whether you were lied to and told he was “separated” and manipulated through out. Take the advice and get the hell out!

  114. 114
    Anonymous Says:

    For the first time in my life, I’m having an affair. I decided to do this mostly because my own relationship ended nearly a year ago and I am not ready to date or even think about getting into a committed relationship with anyone. I have no expectations that this man will leave his wife. I have no expectations of love or a lasting relationship with this man. Put simply and directly, he fulfills my sexual needs and I fulfill his. Other than that, I really don’t want him around. When I am ready to find a man of my own, this will end. Until then, I’ll keep doing what I’m doing.

  115. 115
    Anonymous Says:

    Personally I believe that our society will be brought down because we have allowed cheating to become commonplace and accepted. Marriage is tough and people should plan on sticking through the tough times and not seeking out these affairs. Divorce laws should be re written so that the cheater pays a greater cost for these affairs. spouses should also be able to sue the “other person” for their involvement. If you do the crime you should be ready to do the time. Only when we as a society recognize the cost that broken marriages bring on our whole society and transfer that cost to the guilty parties will we be able to recover.

  116. 116
    Anonymous Says:

    #114, you have a very specific view on affairs, and I am sure you have your reasons for thinking this way. Do you think it would be good if your logic was extended to other areas of human ignorance and misbehaviour? For example, do you think it would be good if children could sue their parents for what they perceived to be bad parenting, even if the parents believed they had done their best under trying circumstances? Do you think that future generations should be able to sue our generation for environmental mismanagement? Do you think we should be sued for not voting, or not participating in civic life? There are ever so many ways to misbehave, and some of them may have equal or greater implications for the health of society than affairs. If you want to promote the “blame and shame,” litigious view of problem-solving, then just how far would you take it? Just to the issues that you think are most problematic? Personally, I’d rather have a less black-and-white view of things. But of course, that’s just my take on it, and I welcome your contribution to the dialogue.

  117. 117
    Anonymous Says:

    My husband had many affairs, one with a woman I treated as a friend. I helped this woman escape from a dangerous abusive relationship which threatened not only her safety, but that of her 3yo son. I gave her a place to stay when she called me terrified in the middle of the night. This woman was his ex, and the mother of my stepson.

    I knew he had been cheating on me, but didn’t know the who, what, when, where, or how. I had his child and I was determined to find out the details and get rid of whoever it was completely out of our lives. I couldn’t face leaving him when I had no proof as I wanted our son to have his family and I was determined to fight for it.

    In the end he admitted everything to me after a self development workshop. One of the facillitators had experienced being cheated on by her husband and helped him to empathise with the fact that I knew but couldn’t prove it, and how it might make me the angry, frustrated, betrayed person I now was. I was so relieved that he was honest with me finally. All the times he would nit pick and fault find, and emotionally withdraw, and missing time and money…it doesn’t take a genius ladies and gentlemen.

    I phoned this ‘ex’ and confronted her. She denied everything and called my husband an idiot. Her only concern was that I would tell mutual acquaintances what she had done, and so she went about trying to white ant my relationships with them, and actually succeeded in a few instances.

    If you are the other woman, believe me, his wife does know. She just doesn’t know the details, and it is hurting her, and their children if they have any. I gave everything within and without to this man, and he put his penis in that?!! Gross. Disrepectful doesn’t even cover it. Why the hell wouldn’t I become self righteous and angry, and maybe a little difficult to live with? The only comfort I have is in knowing I did the right thing by him, and my child. I have the pride that I acted like a lady my son can be proud of, and that is something the other woman will never have. That and the fact that it has now become very very obvious to everyone who knows all of us that she is a liar, and all I had to do is be honourable, strong, and compassionate. It is also very obvious to my husband how very close he came to ending up with a bitch, and whore, along with a very much reduced bank balance, and investment portfolio.

    Don’t kid yourself. If you do end up with a cheater, chances are you’ll regret it later when he starts using you too. Life is filled with boring, mundane details, and when he sees that it’s just as mundane with you and his kids, as it was with his wife and kids, and his wife has cleaned him out, guess what – he’ll blame his involvement with you for his unfulfilling life instead of taking responsibility, and cheat on YOU.

    Don’t be a sucker, and don’t kid yourself.

  118. 118
    Anonymous Says:

    I have been in an affair for 15+ years. I love this man deeply and I believe he loves me as much. All of what I’ve read here is similar in nature but some things I’ve figured out are:
    You are always last on the list, period.
    When your life falls apart like losing a parent, or job, or other life’s miseries he/she will not be able to console you. While we have shared in decisions about our lives, ones that involved our jobs, money, kids, the most intimate things, he couldn’t hold me thru the nights when my mom died. And worst of all, I know when I’m old I won’t have him to share our memories with.
    The reason most of these relationships don’t make it is the resentment that you harbor every day eventually finds it’s way to the surface and the relationship begins to self destruct.
    The truth is, if that person really wanted to be with you, they would be.
    Get out as quickly as you can because you WILL come to the place I am, having given 15 of the best years of my life to an illusion. The love is real I promise you that but it won’t change the rest.

  119. 119
    Anonymous Says:

    My god i cant belive what i have been reading ive been reduced to tears just reading what people have writen. I myself have been involved with a married man now for onlt 6 weeks om a single mum good job went out with friends and ended up talking and yes we hit it off i asked if he was married as there was no ring on his finger to which he said no even his brother said he wasnt!! So the night goes on and i couldnt belive that ive finally met someone who is normal so to speak and yes drinks were flowing (but i wasnt drunk) and one thing led to another he stayed at mine and yes we slept together and he left the next day and was still texting me the following day until he rang a few days later and asked me if anything would change if he was married? My heart was going so fast i couldnt breath properly and i knew deep down that he was call it womens intuition so then the words im married came out and im so sorry to lie to you and if you want to walk away i understand two days later cwe meet up for a chat face to face and god i felt like punching him but i listened to what he had to say hes been with his wife for 20 years three kids isnt happy they dont talk dont ever go out together and he says they are like sailing ships he met me and its all changed so i said i need to think about it why did i need to think about it any normal person would of walked away but no not me i couldnt get him out of my head so thats when it all started i really need to kick myself and need to walk away but i just keep getting pulled back in he is the person i think about when i go to bed and the first thing i think about when i wake up he always texts mr rings when he can tells me that he has fallen in love with me and doesnt want to lose me and it scares him that i might do that up and walk away from him but the longer we see each other the harder it gets and yes ive fallen in love with him and he has now mentioned that he wants to leave her as he is that unhappy at home god my head is so confused it hurts can someone please help as i dont think i can take anymore life is so bloody complicated!

  120. 120
    Anonymous Says:

    #119…. If it were me I would insist he leave his wife, if that’s what he really wants to do, before I would take the relationship any farther. The man I was involved with gave me the same old sob story of being in an extremely unhappy marriage that is by all accounts over. He left his wife a total of three times, and guess what, he went back to her a total of three times. Try to do some research on affairs on the web or read a book. They are an addiction much the same as alcohol, nicotine, and or drugs. I have been clean for almost 4 months, after an 18 month affair, and feel so much better about life and myself. Nothing good ever comes out of an affair. All that ends up happening is every one gets hurt and most of the time the other person is the one who ends being hurt the most because when its all over and done they go back to their spouse and you are left alone while they at least have each other to help them heal.

  121. 121
    Anonymous Says:

    #120 I cant ever tell him what to do and i never will i have nothing to lose but i know deep down i will end up with a broken heart but no matter how many times ive told myself to walk away i simply cant why is that? Ive told him he really needs to think long and hard about what he wants and whaere he sees us in 6 months time to which he said ‘i want to be with you’ i couldnt answer him its like the devil and the angel one saying you stupid woman what are you doing walk away now its getting to hard and the other saying hang in there give him time to sort his life out! But the question is how much time do i give him because the more each day goes by the worse he is feeling and he tells me how much he loves me and wishes he was with me he is making excuses to go out and even texting from home shit that is pushing the bloody line especially when she is at home?! Does she know what he is upto god knows maybe she does but doesnt want to exept it i really dont have a clue. I wish i was as strong as you and i admire what you have done you sound asthough you have sorted your life out wish i could do the same!

  122. 122
    Anonymous Says:

    were do i begin i was married 10 years ago for 14 years i was so unhappy in the end the last years of our life together i had and affair it was so good but it made me realize how unhappy i really was. so few years later i left. not because of the affair that affair was long gone but i had enough. years later well currently everything i despised about having an affair meaning what i dont if my ex knew i had an affair makes him look bad and that not why i did it.. i learned you just dont do that you leave and thats wat i did regreting along the way my actions vouching i wouldnt do it again ever. if i had thoughts thats it leave and go on my way. well te kicker is now i am still single never remarryin very independent and content with myself my life the strong one… and not wanting to settle or tie down and here i am having an affair with a married man. its been 2 plus years and its not about sex thats the funny part we are really good friends who have had sexual encouters but thats not alot but the sex is good he is always respectful he doesnt pull punches to say he is unhappy but briefly touched down on how inadequate at times his wife makes him feel and we can be together just holding and embracing eachother and we talk everyday but at times i love him at times he is just my friend at times i am so darned confused as to what i am have i lost it i tell him at times we dont need to do this nomore and bam week later right back missin eachother… what in the world im not in denial i am not any of those things i dont know what i am i dont say im the other woman or am i … this began innocently we worked together for several years and he lefft the company and still to this day its like he never left… he works so hard for his family and i so care and he wears himself out knocking it out and if his wife only knew how that man felt its sad after 14 15 plus years it gets old worn out takin for granted and its not fun to feel like that i been there done that and i tell him dont give up you will get through this wow no matter wat i feel i still care and it is so weird to me i do love him as my friend

  123. 123
    Anonymous Says:

    I discovered my husband of 21 years had been having an affair for 3 of them. Call it women’s intuition, but I went through his phone and he’d slipped up and forgotten to clear everything from his sent box. The message was intimate so I called the number and the answer machine message said it all. It will help to explain that my husband works away from home for a few months at a time at sea, and had met this woman at a time when things were very difficult for us with a lot of upheaval in our lives. He met her at a party and she pursued him. She new he was married from the beginning, and spun her web of lies to try to lure him away from his wife and family. It was easy for him, he would just go to her for a few days before coming home to me, soothing his ego and getting caught up in the falseness of it all. A mutual stroking of ego with no reality at all. That is until she started to make bigger an bigger demands on him. Threatening to tell me where he was, blackmailing him with money and the like, and generally being conniving and manipulative. He should have bailed at the first sign of a threat, because her repeated demands for him to leave his wife and her greatest efforts to present herself as the alternative to his perceived problems actually came to nothing. She new he would never leave me because he told her so, and when asked if he loved his wife he would say yes! This medusa punced on my husband in a moment of weakness, and set seeds of doubt in his mind. The discovery of this vile liason, actually over the three years amounts to very little physical time together. Around 4-5 months in total. This woman did’nt know my husband, and he didn’t know her, but she wanted what she didn’t get. My life as his wife, and as her threats and manipulation increased along with her demands, my nemesis was her final downfall. My husbands fear that if I found out I would leave him kept him going back under her threats, and his relief after confessing and telling all was blatant. We talked and talked for nearly three weeks while we tried to work through how to handle it (of course, the minute he had been rumbled, he called her to tell her it was over), and our marriage has good foundations, so as difficult and painful as it was for me, I knew that my husband loved me, still; loves me, always did love me, but instead of talking to me he chose to soothe his ego by screwing around with someone who handed it to him on a plate. Although the dynamics of our relationship have changed, we are closer now than we’ve been in a long time. I have maintained my dignity throughout the whole disgusting thing, and my revenge on the filthy whore he slept with is that we are stronger for it, and she is the one waking up to an empty space beside her, without the man she so desperately tried to steal, used and alone. Exactly what she deserves. Marriage is a sacred institution.

  124. 124
    Anonymous Says:

    #122… I was the other woman in a relationship and feel a lot of guilt. What I did was stupid and hurtful to another human. The man I was involved with ended up staying with his wife. There are times I miss him but in the end he made the right decision after we both made so many wrong ones. You are so right in maintaining your dignity and becoming stronger with your husband as being the best revenge. Women who try and hurt the wives, more than the pain they already feel, are scum bags. There were times I wanted to call his wife and tell her things about our affair because I wanted to hurt him. I’m just glad I was able to stop what I was doing and not hurt this woman any more than I had. The guilt I have for what I did I will always carry with me. So please let yourself continue to heal and know he really does love you. He is human and made mistakes, we all do. What would be more tragic is if we don’t learn from them. I don’t believe once a cheater always a cheater because I do believe some out there are just weak and learn what is truly important to them in the end. It sounds as if your husband has and I commend you on being able to work on your marriage as opposed to taking the easy way out and divorcing him. On behalf of all other women out there who are deep down good but made a mistake I am truly sorry you went through what you did. There’s no excuse but there is moving forward with your life and learning to trust again.

  125. 125
    Anonymous Says:

    I am the other women. this by far has been the most difficult situation i have been through.i have been in love with a married man for 1 year now, I am married as well. both feelings are strong and mutual. As the months went on, the realtionship got harder and harder cause you want to share almost every waking moment with this person but you know you cant. I was trying to end the relationship cause i knew i was closer to a divorce then him and i was too scared to stay attached to him fearing he wouldnt leave his wife. the day we had this conversation to end it possibly and left the wife caught us. It has been one week and i have not heard from him. This is an awful feeling!! Although I will never have an affair with a married man again, I do not regret meeting him. I know i probably deserve to feel this way, however it took the both of us to begin this affair. so its sad when the wife just blames the other woman.

  126. 126
    Anonymous Says:

    I am the other man and the woman I love is married to someone else. The hardest thing about this situation was a surprise for me, it is the fact that I am the secondary partner. If I need her, she can’t be there for me. We won’t share holidays together. It is just an illusion. I’m living in hope of something that may never happen.

  127. 127
    Anonymous Says:

    wow. so the man i was in love with for 1 year whos wife caught us, is not trying to reconcile with her. When we met, he was close to divorce, however was scared for money reasons to not go through with divorce. Now that she knows she is trying to act as if she is the happy wife however its an illusion and they are not telling one single person to protect their “image” in the community and belive they are going to continue this healthy marraige. Why do peope lie to themselves?? Is this marraige going to last or eat them alive? i dont get it!

  128. 128
    Anonymous Says:

    being in love with a married man is not easy but the man’s wife has to be totally blind in not seeing what is going on having clean laundry, bills paid and coming home late you have to be really dumb. I have a man in my life that i do everything for & he does the same for me but doesn’t she realize take off the blindfold and see what is going on. He will do anything to be with me spends 99%of the time with me from walking on the beach to buying grocery for the house. Some woman are stupid that is why married men go find someone else.

  129. 129
    Anonymous Says:

    I am recently divorced and I bumped into a guy from past who I knew to be married. So I thought, here is a chance to have my cake and eat it too. I am not looking for a boyfriend or a serious relationship. But I do want to feel fullfilled. Well anyway, I find myself getting so attached. He went out and purchased an additional cell phone just for him to communicate with me. I asked him has he ever cheated before and he said not physically, I think that is a lie. But I find myself doing exactly what the article stated above. Making it so easy and perfect when he is with me, by not complaining and making sure I look absolutely gorgeous, by having the house spotless, and we do not discuss his home life. I try to focuse on my needs and making sure he meets them. As I stated before I thought I could handle it because I really dont want a man around all of the time and I really dont want to be on the dating scene, but I find myself on this emotional rollercoaster. This is just crazy and it is making me depressed. It has only been a week and I feel as though this has been going on for months. I know that I need to end this but how. There needs to be focus group helping women in this situation. It is taking control of my life, Trying to be available to him whenever he is available and always trying to make him feel like a king. And I dont know why im doing it. My own husband did not appreciate the things that I did for him why should someone else’s husband?

    From TOW (The OTher Woman)

  130. 130
    Anonymous Says:

    Hi its #118 again so i yet again find myself on here as over these past 4 weeks ive found myself in such a dilema its breaking my heart ive been involved with a married man now for a couple of months and he left his wife two weeks ago after an argument with her he told me he left her for me for a while i belived him but as the days went by it got harder and harder for him as his children were cut up about him leaving and his wife was pulling out all the stops to make him go home but he went back to her which i knew deep down he would he said he has done it for the sake of his kids and thats the only reason why it has nothing to do with her my head is hurting and im so confused its crazy i have to belive everything he tells me but he says that he has fallen in love with me and doesnt want to lose me over his decision to go home my god how can he love me i understand that he has alot to lose and ive supported him every step of the way but i supose he has the best of both worlds ive ignored his calls and texts but he is trying his hardest but its making me feel worse so why cant i walk away i really dont understand why i cant cause i know deep down he will never leave her again for me and we will never be together as a normal couple im usually a strong person if my closet friends want my advice on anything id give it to them straight and ive nearly lost my best friend over this as she can see im hurting so much and she just wants me happy so why cant i take thier advice as i know it makes perfect sense please help i really need a kick up the arse as ive hit a dead end and dont know where to turn??!!

  131. 131
    Anonymous Says:

    I’m 31 and divorced (it had nothing to do with cheating)….
    Everyone probably will feel im a bad person, but i did it anyway. About a year ago this man with his friends came to my work ( I’m a wine bar manager) for some drinks. Some of them i already knew,they were nice people, always had a laugh with them. An there was him…. First thing I’ve noticed was a lack of wedding ring and that i fancied him. I chated with them all, I saw him following me with his eyes all the time. He became a regular, always drinking nice french wines, always chatting with me. I found him interesting and very appealing. Couple months later i discovered ( i asked, he told me) he was married with 5th child on a way… and i backed off. That was 10 months ago. Many times we ware close to cross the line, but i was the stronger one and always stopped him in time: usualy by making a joke or mentioning his family…. But now, about a month ago i just couldn’t do it anymore….
    We started an affair. He spent already 3 nights at my house, we had many other occasions for intimate relations. I know he loves his kids and wife but he still did it. In 15 years of being with her I’m his first lover, he is very religious and very family orientated… It’s very confusing for me. I would like to end it and we try every week, but it ends in bed… as a goodbye, and then it happens again. The problem realy is, if we ended it, we probably wouldn’t be able to see each other as we grew close friends during last year. I’m just very very very confused at the moment. I know what the right thing to do is, I just don’t feel strong enough to do it… I definitly don’t want to hurt anyone, and i know I’ll be the one suffering the most. I wish it never happened, but I’m glad it did. He gave me amazing moments together and long ago I’ve learnt that you should grab any kinds of happiness when it happens because it doesn’t happen a lot and those short moments will always be with you….

  132. 132
    Anonymous Says:

    #118, I’m sorry you’re going through such pain – most of us on this site who’ve been involved in affairs as the other woman have been exactly where you are, or in situations that bring out the same kinds of feelings. So, remember you’re not alone, even though you probably feel that way. And remember to love yourself – you’re more important than this relationship that is currently driving you out of your mind. I know you know that. Look after yourself, very very deeply, and you’ll eventually begin to let go of the affair, though maybe not all at once. Take good care.

  133. 133
    Anonymous Says:

    Thank you #131 its #118 again ive never felt so much pain and hurt all my emotions have hit me at once its like being on a rollercoaster and every day gets harder my tears are running out i know in my heart i have to walk away and i know i can do so much better but i cant seem to pull myself away from him its like a drug and i cant control it and yes i know im more important he doesnt deserve me he has done so many things to me over these past 4 weeks i should of walked away he gets jealous of me going out with friends likes to know where i am when im out doesnt like me having male friends and makes me wonder what his life is like at home hates it when i dont text back the list goes on and the madest thing about it is that he is the one that is married and im single one but time after time he is so sorry and admits hes jealous but that he cant help it thats just him my god this is crazy and i know deep down i have to let go i just cant find it in me to walk away?

  134. 134
    Anonymous Says:

    #130, Thank you 118. Oh, i can see you in almost the same situation! It’s really shocking to learn how many of as are there! What is it that we cannot resist in those man? And from what i read most of them sound like decent guys…. I feel for all of us in here and pray that we will be strong enough to finish something that brings us hurt and tears. I hope tomorrow will be my big day when i tell him its over and I’ll stick to it. For last couple of days that situation was non stop on my mind and after reading all the stories here and on the other pages i have to be strong and do the right thing. He will never in a million years leave his wife and 5 kids so I can stop fulling myself right now before i fall head over hills for him(just hope i haven’t already done it)….
    So girls! Let it be our strong week! I’ll let you know how i did it!
    Take care for now

  135. 135
    Anonymous Says:

    I know, #118/132, it’s really hard to walk away. I’ve been in your position (with variations, of course) for three years now. I, too, knew I should walk away, but couldn’t — or I would break the thing off (many times!) and then be talked back into it. I’d start dating other men, and he’d tell me he loved and wanted me, and I really did/do love him back, so I’d end up back in it. I know the rollercoaster emotions you’re feeling. I’m finally starting to feel a new calmness, but it has taken a very long time. Personally, I have found that as long I try to think of “letting him go” or “letting the relationship go,” I CAN’T let go. What I am starting to find helpful is to think of it as letting go of the part of ME that is willing and able to picked up and put aside at somebody else’s convenience, the part of me that thinks it’s okay to be treated less than honourably, etc. I’m finding that by thinking of it this way, I’m naturally starting to put less energy into the affair. You probably have some self-esteem issues of your own that keep you where you are. I notice that in your earlier post, you mentioned needing a kick in the butt. I don’t know you, but I don’t think you need that. Frankly, I think that you’ve had all the kicks in the butt you need, and what you’re going through right now is one giant kick in the butt. I think you just need to find that part of yourself that really, really knows, deep down, with no ifs or buts, that you have a lot of love to offer, and you deserve the same back. Once you really get in touch with that woman inside you, and really believe in her, the affair won’t have that same magnetic quality that you’re now experiencing. You won’t hate him for what he’s done, or yourself for what you’ve done, you’ll let go, with kindness and love. But be gentle with yourself. It might take you days, weeks, months … or even, as in my case, years to get there (I wish you a shorter journey than mine!). You’ll know when you’re there, and you’ll be fine. Blessings on you at this hard time.

  136. 136
    Anonymous Says:

    #130….ohhh…. 118 and 134!!!! I loved your posts! They so true and painful.
    134, i wish all the ladies in here your strength and faith. I’m trying to convince myself I’m strong and confident and I don’t need him…. I hope all that will be true when I see him next. That’s the worst… In the time I don’t see him I can grow appart, feel distant and no emotional, but as soon as i see him I’m trembeling and can’t control myself. And i dont even know if he feels the same… Ok, we’ve known each other for a year, stareted this sick relationship around 5 weeks ago i know he fancies me, but i also know he will never ever leave his family. And as much as I know none of them wants to leave their family.
    All we are for them is a little bit of crazines, a bit of freedom. they might love it, adore it but love for their other family will always win.
    So, girls, please, lets pull ourselfs together and find ourselfs own man, the one who doesn’t come home to their wives and you don’t have to share him with anyone. Someone just for us! I strongly believe there is one like that for everyone of us! And I know its going to be very hard, but we are grown woman with our own baggage and we know how life is and we know how to deal with it.
    I read on different websites, that woman like us are weak and psyhopaths! No, i very disagree!!!!! Wifes don’t know about us! Maybe we shouldnt be having affairs with married man, but its all atraction, passion and love….. All the same factors that brought them together…
    The only difference is we came later, when the marriage and children came. If we met those man x years ago, as they first big love, would the story be the same?

  137. 137
    Anonymous Says:

    To #134 reading your post brought tears to my eyes as i read it but today i have made my decision that enough is enough i have agreed to meet him tomorrow and im telling him thats its finally over and that i have to walk away the text messages are still coming all day everyday all the ‘i love you so much cant imagine my life without you’ its constant and to be honest im starting to feel guilty for wanting to let him go and get myself back to normal the life i was leading before he entered my life and silly me let him him opened up to him about everything but the truth told he can and never will be there for me the way i want him im starting to have no faith in myself my best friend has seen such a change in me from being all bubbly confident outgoing etc to a quiet cant be bothered lady and all because of this one man that has changed my life upside down how can this one man do this its mad and i really cant work it out!!! And #134 your words were so true and i thank you for what you said ive really taken on board what you said i know its going to take some time to get my old self back but it has to be done and i will do it tomorrow is a new day and a new beginning!! To #135 us women are not nutters so to speak we are only human after all and no we cant help who we fall for it just so happens that they have to be married my heart is breaking and it hurts so much i feel powerless and not in control but i know deep down i have to do this for myself end of will keep you posted x x

  138. 138
    Anonymous Says:

    Hello everyone. My love has ended our relationship to work on her marriage. My feelings are impossible to describe.

    Someone above (117) said – if they wanted to be with you, they would. Here is another thought about that – the reason they are not with you is that, however much you love them and however important they are to you, they believe they have something BETTER than you.

    Strength to all of us.

  139. 139
    Anonymous Says:

    Hi its #118 again to #137 im so sorry to hear what has happened ive made the biggest decision that i thought i would never have to make and that feels so heart breaking but i had to walk away from a married man that ive been involved with i had to put all my cards on the table and tell him it was over and my heart is broken in two but i knew that i had to do it he was devasted he didnt want me to leave but im the other woman he left his wife once but went back for the sake of his children but if he loved me as much as he said he did he would want to be with me yes i understand its hard for his children but im hurting too so thats its i couldnt carry on with our relationship it was so painfull and i couldnt go back to the way it was at the end of the day he has the best of both worlds and i would never had the life i imagined with him walking away from him was the hardest thing ive ever vhad to do but i know its for the best i dont know how long my broken heart will take to heal but part of me feels like a huge weight has been taken off my shoulders but i need to get my old self back start to have faith in myself again and enjoy being single and yes he is still in my head 24/7 and he still texts me saying ive made a huge mistake we would of been great together and that he doesnt know how things are going to work out at home but his wife doesnt know anything about me and he doesnt love her he just went back for the sake of his kids but i got involved i fell in love with him so much it hurts but i have to move on now and let him get on with his life im scared of bumping into him if im out and im scared i will go back but all i know now is that tomorrow is a new day and i have to take one day at a time no matter how much it hurts and get my life back until then good luck to you all and i hope you find all the happiness you deserve x x

  140. 140
    Anonymous Says:

    i feel for 138. It such a horrible feeling. I was the other women as well and knew i had to do the same. I would have such mixed feelings of anger and love for the man i was with.He didnt know how to leave his family. However how do you stay in a broken home where the kids sense this. Its not healthy. I still have wishful thinking he will leave one day cause i do love him. however you do have to get back out there and just have a little faith! good luck!

  141. 141
    Anonymous Says:

    Hi 118 – good for you, and I hope you’re hanging on to your resolve. I think I read somewhere that in situations like this, when you end it, you can expect at least 10 days of feeling absolutely awful. If you can make it through those 10 days without going back to him, you’ll start to feel better. So … start counting! If you feel you need on online supporter when you’re weakening (and believe me, no judgment here if you do weaken), just write something here and I’ll cheer you on. I partly say this because in cheering you on, I’m cheering myself on. I’m really trying to let my affair go and I’m going to need a lot of support to do that. I can’t afford to be involved with somebody who needs to treat me this way, no matter how much I love him. So, 117/138, hang on to yourself, and let go of him, and I’ll try to follow suit!!!

  142. 142
    Anonymous Says:

    Hi its #118 again i wrote a couple of days ago that i told the married man i was seeing that it was over thank you #140 for what you said it really did cheer me up and spurn me on yes its only been a couple of days but my god i really didnt think it would be this hard but ive stuck to my guns even tho the texts messages are still coming on how much he loves me give me a couple of weeks and i will leave her i want to be with you its tearing me apart its just on going and it brings back all the emotions and feelings i have for him but yet again i have to be strong and stick with it cause i cant let myself go back to the situation i was in i know deep down he wont leave her its all head games and im determind for it not to happen again and thank you #140 for cheering me on and i really hope you can do the same yes we get ourselves involved in these situations and we cant help who we fall in love with but it takes two at the end of the day i really hope you find the strengh and im cheering you on aswell x

  143. 143
    Anonymous Says:

    Keep breathing deeply 118 … it’s 140 breathing deeply with you! (Gosh, maybe we should have these numbers printed on a couple of team sweatshirts! :-) Remember you’re well at your core.

  144. 144
    Anonymous Says:

    hi its #118 im breathing 140 but very slowly but god its so hard i really dont know what to do with myself its so bloody hard but im sticking with it have to for myself even tho i want to run into his arms again and go back to what we had cause god i really miss him and he is really trying to win me back but ive stuck to my guns cant let myself go back to him so im hanging in there and its taking all my strengh but slowly and surely i will get back to my normall self!!

  145. 145
    Anonymous Says:

    You really will, 118, and we both will. You’re doing well.

  146. 146
    Anonymous Says:

    Hi again #118. I should also add that if you can manage to do something deeply caring for yourself at this time, it may also help. For example, yesterday I had a long bodywork session. The session helped me to feel how bad my posture has gotten in the past year, as I have felt more and more despair at the way my affair has gone. I think I might have forgotten how to stand up straight (in more ways than one, obviously!). Right now, I’m focusing on the feeling of standing up to my own true height. Doing this is helping me to see what the affair is doing to me, and helping me to accept that no matter how much I love my affair partner, or how much he loves me (assuming he does, which I think he genuinely does), it’s just not possible to have any integrity in these situations no matter how hard you try (and I’ve tried!!). For you, posture might not be the issue that gives you a visceral index of your current sense of self-worth and your deepest aspirations as a person, but if you know what does, maybe take this time to do something that restores your sense of confidence and wholeness. It will keep your strength up, I think.

  147. 147
    Anonymous Says:

    To #118
    I am the betrayed spouse of a 3 year affair the my H is having with my ex-best friend. Thank you for your insight into how difficult it is to let go of the affair. Although I have no sympathy for my H’s affair partner, I can understand why she won’t let him go and why he won’t let her go. It’s time for me to just kick him to the curb. I have my pride too and I have been treated so cruelly by both of them. Hang in there #118. You are helping his family more than you know. If he is this weak, you don’t need him anyway!

  148. 148
    Anonymous Says:

    118…You’re inspiring! Unfortunately I find myself in a very similar circumstance. I hope you are holding on, it is indeed excruciating. You won’t know if he means business until he actually follows through with what he has said. I am trying to stay busy, be positive, and put reality into perspective. I’m working through my unresolved anger and unanswered questions. I am determined to move on, but never dreamt it would be so difficult.

  149. 149
    Anonymous Says:

    I’m only a teenager and I have a best friend who I have liked for a long, long time… finally, he told me the feelings have always been mutual, and for about 4 months since, we have been seeing each other. Kissing, hugging, holding each other, etc. He started out saying he didnt need a physical relationship from me, but now he talks about touching my breasts and making out with me… It’s weird and I don’t like it at all, and he still has his girlfriend of 2 years. There’s been so many ups and downs and we can either be a couple or not, but I don’t think we can ever be friends again… I’m so passive and I make it seem like I’m not angry with him MOST of the time, but I’m so young and I don’t even NEED a relationship; there’s so many other boys out there and there’s so many important things in my life right now.. It’s not like I’m of the age to be married or anything like that, as this article talks about.

    I can’t tell him I’m done. Everytime I do, we hang out and he breaks boundaries again and I let him. But I can’t stop hanging out with him, either. He is my best friend in the entire world and he knows everything about me. i feel like he’s the only one I can talk to.

    I get mad at myself bc I show no self respect for myself. My family knows about it and some friends, and they tell me I’m better than that. I know I am. I know I don’t NEED this, and I shouldn’t get wrapped up in this teen drama, dating crap.

    And I don’t see him breaking up with her, either. But I can’t end this. I just can’t.

    It makes me worry. When I’m older, will I be one of those women with no self respect? Will I think it’s ok if a man hits me, or if a man cheats on me? Will I be one of those mothers that never makes the right decisions, even if it’s in the good will of my children?

    I don’t wanna be like that… but I’m seeing these weak, wallflower qualities in me right now and I hate it.

  150. 150
    Anonymous Says:

    #148, at your tender age, you already know exactly how it feels to be the other woman, so with that experience under your belt, you don’t ever need to be there again if you don’t want to!! I’d say take it as an opportunity to learn the lesson early – you sound like you have a fair bit of insight into yourself and the dynamics of your situation – work with that, and move on. Good luck!

  151. 151
    Anonymous Says:

    Hi its #118 again this site has become the only place that i can truley tell my feelings my poor best friend is beside herslf with worry as she can see the effect this whole situation has had on me over these past couple of months but the weekend has gone my kids were at thier dads so i thiught its me time catch up with friends that i havent seen in a while and get little old me back so out i went with my close friends male and female and i had the biggest shock ever the married man that i had been involved with managed to track me down to where i was out and had the balls to kick off at me cause i was with male friends and accused me of cheating on him how dare he say that to me after everything that he has said and done to me over these past couple of weeks well as you can imagine i wasnt happy atall said a few things to him that he didnt like and told him that i never wanted to see him again and that he needs to concentrate on his family as they have no idea what he has been upto over these months and they will be devestated if they found out i would never tell her as i know she is hurting still from whrn he first left and she is trying her hardest to make thier marriage work. But if im truley honest i feel awful but im so glad that ive told him how i feel and i can now finally move on with my life and get back to my normal self yes i have never cried so much and dont think i have any tears left but i cant continue what i had and slowly the pain will go and yes it will take time but i know one thing is for sure that i will never get involved with a married man again as ive experienced all the emotions you could possibly have and belive me its the worst feeling ever and i find myself thinking about his wife and kids and the guilt has finally kicked in and that i dont like and it certainly isnt fair i just cant carry on with that on my shoulders. To #146 im so sorry yo hear what your husband has done and yes you should kick him out you dont deserve to be treated like that and i know that mite sound so two faced coming from me but ive finally realised the wrong that ive done but no more cant carry on the way i was going no matter how painfull it was for me or how much i love him and miss him but what happened at the weekend was a wake up call for me and today when i woke up i thought to myself today is a new beginning for me and i can get myself back to the normal little self i was and that my close friends have also missed so much but that i nearly lost over this one man! Will keep you informed but i would also like to thank the people that have commented on here about my situation as that has helped me alot and made me realise that i wasnt on my own thro all of this so thank you again take care x x

  152. 152
    Anonymous Says:

    #118..it’s #146. Good for you girl!!! You are to be congratulated. Affairs tend to have a ripple affect. You could have lost your friends and family because of one weak man that doesn’t know what he wants from his life. I wish that my H’s affair partner would wake up! The worst thing about it is how much this has hurt my children!!!

  153. 153
    Anonymous Says:

    Hi #146 its #118 and thank you very much im glad in a way what has happened as it was a wake up call and i really hope that your husband and his affair partner wake up and realise what they are both doing doing to you and your children if she had sense she will i know im not one to preach cause i got myself into that situation but i really hope that you bget it all sorted as it is your children that will suffer keep me posted and chin up x

  154. 154
    Anonymous Says:

    Women or Men that choose to ‘fall in love with’ ‘have affairs with’ ‘hook up with’ are broken inside and have no moral foundation. Sorry folks but just reading these posts its blatantly obvious that all you ‘affair partners’ are basically selfish, desperate, and pathetic individuals otherwise you would NEVER get yourselves into this kind of situation. The worst part about it is that most of you will never learn and will spend the rest of your lives causing pain and destruction where-ever you go.
    If it weren’t for the hate and pain your selfishness brings others I would feel pity for you all.

  155. 155
    Anonymous Says:

    I was involved with a married man and he DID leave her and file for divorce. I ended it about a month ago because I needed a commitment. He had told his close family about the divorce but not his extended family. I said the more people he didn’t tell and the longer he waited the harder it would be. I also feel that by him not telling people means he isn’t serious about the divorce and may go back to her. Its safe with her even though he is unhappy (she faked a pregnancy to try and keep him, she is one of THOSE girls.) They were married for three years, and their path’s have changed. The sex was AMAZING, and we live in different states so I know it wasn’t about the sex, we talked everyday and even had conversations about “toilet paper under or over?” It was perfect except people in my life kept questioning if it was real, again with that whole declaration of a relationship. We couldn’t be in a relationship on facebook because she wouldn’t release him and he said he didn’t want to delete his profile and start over because he may not be able to find his friends again (those who probably don’t know)I flew to Germany to see him, and I cant even get “in a relationship” on fb? It was love, it was real, it was just bad timing. I know affairs are wrong. However, I think people need be more serious about marriage and not marry the first person they meet after puberty. I also think THOSE girls should be genetically wiped out from society, they manipulate these great guys and leave sane girls like me the shells of these formally great guys.

  156. 156
    Anonymous Says:

    #153, it sounds like you’ve been hurt by the affair of somebody close to you – I’m sorry for whatever pain you’ve suffered or are suffering now. I also hope your own problematic issues (i.e., the issues in life that bring out the sources of selfishness and desperation in you) are ones that inspire more compassion from others than ours do. Godspeed on your own healing journey.

  157. 157
    Anonymous Says:

    Hi #118, it’s 146 (or whatever number I am by now!!). I hope you are doing all right and that the pain is passing about letting go of the affair. At the moment, I feel devastated. I’ve taken my own advice to you and broken off my own affair. I am trying to look after myself and all the things I advised you to do …! I think I might finally have reached the point where the pain of the affair exceeds the pain of letting him go, and I see that he will keep me on a string forever if I don’t let go, so I really am just prolonging my misery to stay with him. So anyway, I might use this blog as a way to express my own pain about this – I simply must stick to this decision.

  158. 158
    Anonymous Says:

    Wow, I cant believe all these posts, at least I’m not alone..I recently got involved with a married man from work; I was engaged to my fiance who I’d been with for 6 years who was a good guy to me, but I secretly felt a few things were lacking and didn’t feel like I could communicate those to him and felt that I may have been settling. I’m 28 and felt like we were an old married couple already. I was strongly physically attracted to a guy at work for a few months and one day we sparked up a conversation which ended up in us making plans to go out in a group. I knew he was married and he knew I was engaged. We met up with a group of other people and had a great time, we had a huge amount of chemistry. We had some drinks and he made the first move by kissing me and it was all over after that. We spend the night together and I didnt think anything would happen or affect me at first, but in the days following, I couldnt even bare to look at my fiance; I did whatever I could to avoid having to spend time with him because I was so confused and he noticed right away. I continued communicating and flirting with MM that week. I spoke to MM about my confusion and he stated he felt the same way. For me, this was the first time I strayed, and he stated it was for him as well.The feeling I got from all of this was like when you first fall in love with butterflies, feeling nervous and all; very difficult to resist. We decided to meet one evening after work in his car to talk, which we did (this was about a week after the initial meeting); nothing happenened but we sat in there for 2 hours; talking. My fiance must have had a strange feeling because low and behold, who comes walking up to the car in an 8 story garage, but my fiance; so we crouched down not to be seen but it was too late. There was nothing I could say, no excuses, it was done. I moved out the next day. It was quick,swift, and sad. This happened about 2 months ago. Initially,right after, the MM and I were still in frequent contact and saw each other a few times, but he is obviously confused about something and still doesnt know whether he’s staying or going,and generally gives me a line of B.S and whines about his situation when I talk to him. I ended it and told him that he’s simply not available and cant give me what I need at this time and needs to work on his own issues. I have a strong, strong attraction to him, but this is very unhealthy and destructive.I havent spoken to him in a few days now and I think its probably over for him too. I was initially a little pissed that he gets to go home and play house while I have to restart my life again so suddenly. Now, after doing some extensive reading about this subject, I’m glad I’m out before more feelings get involved and hurt. My fiance wants nothing to do with me which I completely understand; and maybe its best if I start over and try to define who I am apart from any relationship, because we had been living together for the most of our twenties. I will still have to see this person at work occassionally; we work in different departments, but will run into him inevitably. I’m sad that things ended the way they did; if I could change anything, I would have just ended my relationship with my dignity intact before getting caught crouched down in a car like a loser. This MM is not going to leave his marriage and if for some odd chance that he did, it probably wouldnt work out. For two people who havent known each other for that long, there has been an awful lot of drama and fruitless conversations; it wouldnt be a solid foundation for a good relationship. I’m writing this for the people that havent gotten caught yet. Its the worst feeling in the world to know that you hurt someone you care about. Because all the fingerpointers should know that these things generally do not start out in a malicious attempt to hurt your partner. It’s not a personal attack against them. It hurts like hell and its better to end it with some sadness but know that you can still communicate with that person than know that they hate you and want nothing to do with you ever again. or try to fix the underlying issues. Now i’m stuck thinking about the guy I can’t have and the guy I hurt. Not so much fun…

  159. 159
    Anonymous Says:

    Hi its #118 again well here i am two weeks or so down the line and i must admit that im still hurting but im slowly getting back to normal had a few funny days and ive learnt that the married man i was involoved with has left his wife for the second time he managed to get hold of my best friend and tell her this as i wasnt replying to his texts or phone calls and that he wants us to be together properly but there is no going back for me too much has happened but i feel so strange as its what i wanted deep down i wanted us to be together and have the fairy tale that i always wanted but i cant let it happen i dont know what has happened for him to leave her for the second time and to be honest i really dont want to know it will never be what i imagined it would be i have to moce on and to #146 please stick to your guns i know it takes time this wont happen over night belive me i know but you have helped me and im sure you can get back to your normal self just dont let him have you hanging on a piece of string you dont deserve that and i think we both know that deep down yes ive made a mistake i fell in love with a man that i couldnt have but the guilt has finally crept up on me and thats the worst feeling in the world and belive me i didnt like it one bit so enough was enough and now i have to put this behind me and i hope the married man i was involved with can move on with his life too. Keep me informed #146 i wish you all the luck in the world.

  160. 160
    Anonymous Says:

    I’m not proud of this, but I began seeing a man 3 months after he asked his current wife to marry him. We had been classmates for 2 years prior, but were only acquaintances. All of a sudden, in our third year of school, we began spending lots of time together. Eventually, we became obsessed with one another, and for the rest of the year, spent all of our time together. Deep down, I never believed he would go forward with the wedding. How could he? Wasn’t our relationship a huge red flag? Every time we discussed it, he said that he didnt know what was wrong with him…that he couldn’t leave his fiance just bc he thought the grass was greener on the other side. He said neither woman was better than the other…that we were just different. Basically, his excuse was that his relationship with his fiance began first, so he couldnt break off his engagement. He never acknowledged that he had a choice, and often complained of how miserable he was when we were apart (which was only on the weekends). After a year, he got married. At that point I knew it had to end. I never envisioned myself carrying on with a married man. I was not raised that way. I was a person who always put others’ needs and concerns before mine, even when undeserved. However, by that time, I was no longer the person I knew before the “relationship” began. I was completely broken and weak. I resolved in my mind to leave him alone. He still wanted to be friends. He would always say, “if i cant have you completely, I at least want you as a friend forever”. So, I tried to comply. After all, I loved him. He was my best friend. Certainly, as two grown ups, we could respect one another as friends without infidelity. This of course did not work. I found myself (through a series of bad choices, of course) spending more and more time with him. We continued to study together as we were in the same study group. After school, we both obtained jobs in the same office building. We still spoke everyday on the phone, but saw one another only on the weekends (which was exactly opposite than before he was married). I missed him terribly…he had become central to my life. To add insult to injury..after years of telling me how miserable he was without me, and showing complete ambivalence with respect to his engagement/marriage, he told me for the first time last year that he was “not unhappy in his marriage.” As time passed, we spoke less and less, until eventually, I realized he only contacted me for sex. The bottom line is that since our relationship began, I have deteriorated. I don’t recognize myself, physically, mentally or spiritually. I’m truly miserable and have lsot all ambition. After 4 years of this madness, I have finally decided to end it. I am struggling to reestabish my relationships with my creator, my family and friends, and myself. I often ask God, how can I fix this. Can I truly be forgiven if I never apologize to his wife? I think if I did I would cause more damage than good. Regardless, I realize now that I can work on myself until the cows come home…I’ve always wanted a family, but I no longer deserve happiness. If I ever get married, I EXPECT that my husband will cheat. As silly as this may sound, especially to betrayed spouses, I went into this with the best of intentions…but now I realize that I was completely naive and misguided. I will say that I believe my MM would have cheated with someone else if not for me, which doesn’t make me feel great either. I also agree that he will do so, unless and until he seeks help for his issues. Either way, i wish them both best.

  161. 161
    Anonymous Says:

    Yes I’m the other woman..I had an affair with someone I went to school with and after years of not seeing him I was in town and ran into him and his wife at a restaurant..have you ever heard the bells and fireworks?? This is what I felt the first time I saw him. I did not persue the affair but he did. Well it is 11 years later and he has left his wife (not because of me..I was seeing someone else and he came after me again) and he has left me. Well I say he has left his wife..they are seperated but he has her and her family to his house at least once every weekend for cookouts. That is eventually what caused us to split because it became every statement I said he would get mad and he was looking for any hidden agenda behind my comments and it finally ended with a huge blow up between us. I am 47 and have given some of my best years to someone who was selfish and I played into his needs. I am not without blame believe me I know this..I should have run and been strong enough to say no, but I was not. I am going thru the loss of not only the affair but also a friendship. Believe me that even if they do leave their spouse it will not become a bed of rose because the guilt your partner will feel over leaving will out way any feelings they have for you and you will still be hidden. It is not fair to you or the spouse…You and the spouse both deserve better and more. Learn to respect yourself and respect the spouse..You don’t know the spouse..Unfortunately I do know the spouse of the person I was involved with. I struggle today to today with not picking up the phone and calling him. The split occurred about two weeks ago. You do not deserve to have your feelings, emotions and life turned upside at the drop of a hat and on a whim of someone elses wants. Ask your affair this question “Why aren’t you working on your marriage or why don’t you leave” (try not to present it in a way that you want them to leave for you, but just in curiousity)..and don’t accept the answer “I stay for the kids” even kids don’t deserve to be involved in an affair because believe me they are involved. You will find there is no answer for that question. So for all the married men or women make a decision and don’t drag someone else thru the emotional isolation and for all of us who have been in a affair “grow a set” (sorry if that was crude). We deserve more for ourselves and we don’t have the right to put a spouse thru this. I am learning to forgive myself and learning to forgive him. I will and do miss him but I can say the emotional rollercoaster will not be missed. I have started writing a journal (just for myself) of all the feelings I am going thru and it does help and I am further along towards recovery then I was on day 1 but I’m still a long way from being whole again. I did go thru the stage of “I should tell her everything” but realized I was only going cause more pain for myself and I’m not a spitful person..Living my life happy is the best thing I can do for myself.

  162. 162
    Anonymous Says:

    i too have found myself in a affair, one that i want to stop but it is hard its a addicition, if it was just that easy to stop when there is so many feelings invovled. i have tried to walk away n just when u think u can all it takes is a phone call, or a look. if there was a stop button to push i would. if someone could just give u a good piece of advice that would help but how to u stop something u love, u cant help who u fall in love with.

  163. 163
    Anonymous Says:

    After reading much of the above, It has given much insight to what I already knew…..I never stood in judgement of those having affairs, nor had I participated in an affair, up until recently.

    Those that have had affairs, like many of you have, there is that ephoric feeling of freedom, the ability to be able to share secrets of intimacy that you may not have felt in your previous relationshsips, the concept that this is happy ever after.

    For me there will be no happy ever after, has his partner has something I will never have…..The knowldge of her man.

    Knowledge is a powerful commodity, if you think you can bet that, think again ! ! ! !

    To all those that have written here, I thank you with all that I have, you have all given me the strength to acknowledge what is this really is……. A lie

    I will not be seeing this married man again, I’m thankful that his partner will never know the feelings of hurt and betrayal that I would have contributed to.

    Thank you

  164. 164
    Anonymous Says:

    Very rarely does the man leave his wife for an affair partner. Plus how do you know that you are the only affair partner? He is using you as an escape.

  165. 165
    Anonymous Says:

    I’m the lonely other woman – I’m 26 – and have fallen for a wonderful man. It’s been ten months and I want him to leave for him and not me. But I can’t walk away (I have tried and failed several times)

    I just want to be loved normally and have a relationship like the rest of my friends.

  166. 166
    Anonymous Says:

    How nice of #64 to produce a lot of out-of-context facts mixed in with opinions.

    In any affair there is plenty of blame to go around; the cheated spouse, the cheating spouse and the other person share it to varying degrees. Betrayal is a double-edged sword. A spouse who becomes emotionally and/or physically unavailable; who rejects their spouse; or who takes their spouse for granted is just as much a betrayer as the spouse who began an affair.

    The person who is cheating very well might have an affair as a last resort. The person who was cheated on very well might have established an environment at home that was no longer tolerable. The other person might have just been in the right place at the right time.

    These all-or-nothing characterizations are useless. All they do is make the cheated spouse feel superior, and avoid accepting any blame in the matter.

  167. 167
    Anonymous Says:

    a lot of time its the woman that is the other person.but i am a male and im the other person and it do not feel good to have to sneak around and she continues to use her children as a excuse.it hurts real simple

  168. 168
    Anonymous Says:

    Hi, I’m new to posting but have looked at this blog many times and taken comfort from the fact that I’m not on my own in my situation. I am in a long term relationship with a married man and am at the stage where I’m realising that a lot of my own feelings, desires and anger have been repressed and I’ve just not dealt with them as I’ve been swept along and now both my relationship and my life revolve around when he can see me and talk to me. I am not wanting to end the relationship as we have been through too much together, but I feel I need to confront how I really feel and really don’t know where to start. How do I find out how I really feel deep down whilst I’m in the midst of the relationship and what questions do I need to be asking myself. Any guidance and relevant questions to ask myself would be much appreciated from anyone who has been where I am now.

  169. 169
    Anonymous Says:

    I’ve been where you are, 167, and quite recently. I, too, found it helpful to connect with people here who were going through the same thing, especially those who showed some understanding that being in an affair does not automatically mean you are a personal and social pariah. I could write an essay of questions you could ask yourself, but first maybe start from the assumption that you’re an intelligent, decent person, and that you wouldn’t be in this relationship if you didn’t get something out of it (so, right from the get-go, dispense with any questions of whether you’re a worthy person). So, assuming that, what do you get out of your affair? What does your affair allow you to do that you might have a hard time doing otherwise? Do you need to be in your affair to get/do those things? Why or why not? What would you miss if you ended your affair? Can you find those things in other ways? Those are just a few questions. You can’t really ask yourself questions about how he really feels, because you have no real control over that part.

    As for me, I genuinely love my (former) affair partner. I can honestly say that I have never had that degree of physical, emotional, intellectual, or spiritual connection with anybody. I don’t really know if the same was true for him (though he says it was), but I know it was true for me. It’s been a couple of months since I ended the affair, and while I still want him back, I don’t want the affair back. He’s leaving town for a new job, without his partner. Maybe that will give everyone some space to gain some clarity. Maybe I will find in 3-6 months that I have moved on. Maybe I won’t. But I know that I experienced something I deeply wanted, and that I was and remain sincere in my intentions. That’s healing of a sort, for now. Good luck looking into your situation.

  170. 170
    Anonymous Says:

    #31 you are pathetic! #118 why do people feel sorry for you? #96 religeous? Amen #114 & 153! You cheaters have no idea how much damage you do to entire families. You all have serious character flaws & no concience. Someday you will be on the other end of this tragedy. What do you all think it would be like in a year or two when the honeymoon is over? You have no idea what the injured parties in these sick affairs are like. These men are weak & lack honesty & integrity. Don’t you think they’re lying to you to? They’re looking for a shoulder & an escape. They don’t want what they already have. You immoral women grow a concience & some self-respect. You all ruin entire families. Kids! Parents! Friends! Businesses! Have any of you ever read the bible concerning marriage & fidelity? Have any of you ever been to a wedding & heard the vows? What other moral laws you break? There should be tougher divorce laws. No – NO FAULT – divorce should be acceptable. Many marriages could be saved if there weren’t so many willing paramours who get in the middle. You all disgust me!

  171. 171
    Anonymous Says:

    #31 What fantasy are you living in? That’s how you’re going to justify your actions? You actually know nothing but what this MARRIED man is telling you. Live with him awhile & see how it goes & get back with me in 3 yrs.! #127 Injured parties are stupid wives? What does that make you? #96 You are religeous? Anyone who “decides” to cheat has serious character flaws. They have no idea the tragedy they are creating for wives, children, friends, parents, & businesses. No concience is involved whatsoever. Amen #114 & #32 You’re right on. Divorce shouldn’t be no-fault. This is a vow, a contract that has been destroyed. Ask all of the children of the injured spouse what they are feeling because of what dad did to mom. It lasts a lifetime. You home wrecking women have these married men for their little fantasy excursions. You have no way of knowing the truth about these men. If you would butt out these marriages would stand a far better chance of being saved than for your fantasy affairs to be successful. Where are the morals of you people? Where is the character & integrity? What is this saying to our kids? You need help probably more so that the married couples. Total destruction & devestation is all that you are creating. I almost feel sorry for you!

  172. 172
    Anonymous Says:

    I am reading all of this and it sounds more and more like my life…….I have been involved with a married man for two years..the problem…besides the fact that he is married…I am 15 yrs older than he is…he has been a friend of the family for over 30 yrs…my late husband was his boss…and I am friends with his wife….what could be worse? I love him…I really do and he is using me I know that, because his wife is wealthy…he has a good life and she doesn’t provide what I do…the SEX….someone shoot me now….I am a loving, compassionate good person…and I know what I am doing is wrong…why can’t someone love me for the person I am…..I know what I have to do…its pain-full……very pain-full.And don’t any of you out there judge anyone..you do not know what you would really do in this situation..only God judges and FORGIVES…..do not get involved in a situation like this…its not worth it…..

  173. 173
    Anonymous Says:

    #171 Any cheated on woman does have the right to judge you. What is wrong, is WRONG. A good person does not cheat period! You had every opportunity to guide this man with good advice to repair his marriage. You’re in denial if you think a good person can damage a family. You don’t know if this man is telling you the truth at all. Is he honest with his own wife. Stay away from him & encourage him to get help. Do the right thing! How can you remain friends with his wife! You are a very sick woman!

  174. 174
    Anonymous Says:

    #172, and others who make such comments (and I genuinely welcome you to the conversation), I don’t think the point is whether the cheated-on woman (or anyone else) has the right to be judgmental. Of course they have the right to be judgmental. I just don’t think that those judgments do much good in helping people to act from a better place (and they usually know that there IS a better place within themselves from which to be/act). I can’t see the good in denying anybody their integrity, even if their current behaviour isn’t a shining instance of it. I think it works better to appeal to people’s faith and integrity. Think of it: a good spanking will, in the short term, make any child stop doing something bad or annoying, but in the long run, it won’t produce anything but damage and, by extension, even worse behaviour. It’s not that different in adulthood. You don’t have to condone inappropriate or harmful behaviour to show compassion or understanding, or to defend a principle that you consider non-negotiable. It just takes a little effort to enlarge your heart and your mind. We can all afford to do that, can’t we?

  175. 175
    Anonymous Says:

    #167 here – thanks so much #168 for taking the time to reply. I feel like I am now at a crossroads in my relationship and am only just beginning to understand that I need to take control after ‘following’ for so long. Your questions will really help me to work out where ‘I’ am in all of this, and what my next step should be. Seems too easy to lose yourself in the relationship and run your life totally around the other person, whether it is convenient for you at the time or not, but I’m beginning to realise that it might not have to be that way. So it’s now time to take a good look at myself and my situation and your comments will be a great starting point – seriously they are much appreciated!! thanks again #168

  176. 176
    Anonymous Says:

    Anytime, 167/174 – good luck with it all.

    I’ve found this site useful at various stages in my affair, including now, the aftermath. Sometimes I wonder why I keep coming back here, especially to read things like “you people have no integrity and you never will etc.” I wonder, frankly, if I’m being a little masochistic. But in a way, I think I come back to those comments in an effort to overcome a deep and longstanding, underlying belief about myself, that actually is precisely in alignment with those harsh judgments. I come back to hear those words in an effort to develop a real conviction of their absurdity and their pointlessness. I totally understand why people would say those harsh things, especially if they’ve been hurt by affairs, but I kind of suspect that an overload of exactly that kind of judgment early in life is what has led, in part, to my own predisposition to deny myself intimacy, as a kind of punishment, because I don’t think I need or deserve love, and then cave desperately when I find it, usually in some situation where I wasn’t looking for it (i.e., in the kind of relationships that turn into affairs).

    Those of you who are or who have been “other women,” I’m wondering, did a good portion of you start out your lives “on the wrong side of the tracks,” emotionally? Were you told you were selfish, bad, etc., from very early on? Because what strikes me about these horrible judgments (you’re pathetic, you’re sick, you have no understanding of right and wrong), is that this is what I already thought of myself — really, truly, and deeply — by the time I was five years old! Do you know how many things I have done in my life to try to prove that that’s not true? And how vulnerable and needy that effort has left me? How vulnerable to illicit relationships in particular?? And then to situations where I seem to be proving that those beliefs about myself are true after all?? I think I’m starting to understand that it’s pointless to try to defend myself in the face of those views, whether I’m 5 or 45, and whether the judgment comes from myself or others. If it was wrong to have that belief when I was a young child, it’s just as wrong now, no matter what I have or haven’t done in my life.

    There are many factors that predispose people to affairs — maybe some of you have a pattern like mine and can relate to what I’m saying. So, for those of you who want to condemn, go ahead. I’m not looking for your acceptance or understanding anymore. I’ll never get it, and that’s fine. But having said that, there’s a bit of a void. I’m still not sure what it means to look to myself for acceptance or understanding, or what difference that might make to my life.

    But I do know one thing. Sometimes when I look at us all, whether we’re pointing fingers at one another, gushing with positive or negative emotion, trying to defend ourselves, etc. (and I’ve done all of that on here and more), I kind of see why we’re having such problems in our relationships, and I feel a little sorry for us all. I think most of us try pretty hard, and are hurt, frustrated, and confused at not getting what we want, need, or think we deserve, and we don’t know what to try next. I like it when we help one another. It seems redemptive.

  177. 177
    Anonymous Says:

    Well i wonder if people who indulge in affairs with married or unmarried people ever do stop to think about what they arereally doing? No matter whether they do worry, all affairs are wrong for whatever reason. The person who instigates the affair is dishonest because usually they are just wanting something they are not getting in their relationship at home, or they think they should have more be it sex or attention etc etc. Why cannot people just sit down and talk through what it is they are not getting in their relationship without resorting to getting involved with another person outside of the marriage/relationship. People who indulge in extra marital affairs or those who willingly enter into relationships when they know the other person is either married or attached are just evil, sad, selfish and cruel. The word sociopath springs to mind. Get a life all of you adulterers and pick someone who is free to have a relationship with you and not someone else’s man/woman.

  178. 178
    Anonymous Says:

    Yes i have read all of these postings and let me tell you that someone entering into an affair with a partner, i.e. anyone unmarried is just as evil as someone who starts and affair when they now a person is married.
    I was in a 3 year relationship until very recently and he told me i was the love of his life, we had a fantastic sexual relationship which he said was the best he had ever experienced, we laughed together, cried together when things in each others family went wrong, liked the same hobbies, music and were happy to just sit and hold hands, then 2 years into our relationship he started to become a little distant on occasion when we were together so much so that i asked him if he was cheating on me and the answer was ‘no why do i need to, you are everything i need or want’. The year went by and just before Christmas 2009 he suddenly disappeared without making contact by txt, ‘phone, e-mail etc for 15 days until eventually i managed to get hold of him thinking he was ill. He told me he could not be the man i wanted him to be wtf i had never tried to change him into anything, i loved him for who he was.
    He once more told me he loved me and apologised for the time he disappeared on me and we got back on track. Then he suddenly started to say cruel things to me about how my neck was starting to sag, how i was looking older in general and various other unflattering comments which i laughed off at the time and told him not to be so superficial as everyone had to get ‘older’ even himself.
    I never imagined that he would be straying but eventually i found out quite by chance that for almost 18 months of our 3 year relationship he had been carrying on an affair with a co-worker. She did not know i existed nor did i her, and we were shocked when we both found out about each other. I went ballistic at him, not her, and he just stood there lips tightly closed and did not say a word. Needless to say even though i loved/love this man i can never ever think of reconciling with him as i feel i could never trust him again, he never gave me any inkling that he was cheating. None of the late night working, silent phone calls, smelling of perfume or any other clues and yet he had secretly been having sex with someone else which apart from putting my health at possible risk, made me imagine what they got up to in my head so for me there is no going back.
    I blame him for not having the courage to talk things through if he had any issues with myself instead of taking on board a lover he worked with. Well she is welcome to him, although he says she has ‘gone’ whatever that means as i now know he is a compulsive liar, cheat and what is called an emotionally unavailable man – he fits the description to a ‘T’. I would not be at all surprised if he has someone else apart from her and that is one of the things which worries me the most, did he have someone else while with me before he picked up with her!! These cheaters need to look at themselves and sort out why they feel the need to cheat, break off their original relationships before starting another and having the decency to apologise to the unsuspecting partner/other. I told the OW perhaps next time she chooses a man for herself to make sure he is not attached or even married. Sheesh, i feel like i have had a lucky escape and will get over him. Have some self esteem ladies/gents and if you cannot stick to your vows have the guts to confess and get out of the relationship and not just cheat behind your other halves back.

  179. 179
    Anonymous Says:

    #176 We can all use excuses of bad childhood etc…But it all boils down to choices. You are to weak to consider anyone but yourself. There is always another outlet besides destroying families. Maybe you would like to explain to my 16 year old daughter who found out at school that her dad was having an affair with my friend & her riding teacher & had to tell me about it? She is a completely different child now. No respect or concern for others or anything. I don’t know how I will save her or my son, or myself for that matter.The hard truth is that the only blame lays with the cheaters. Their lack of self-control & extreme selfishness. Yes, there was issues in the marriage, but obviously other ways to correct them. Maybe by simply confronting them with me. The cheaters have no boundaries of right or wrong. How is my two teenagers ever going to understand boundaries now. It’s never right to cheat. I don’t feel sorry for any of you. This is a lifelong problem for the victims who will never completely recover. So all of you lonely woman: Just stop! Every one of you could make a difference. Even if you helped save one marriage,child & family. Think before being selfish & immoral. The whole world could change little by little.

  180. 180
    Anonymous Says:

    #179, 176 here. I agree with you that the whole world could change little by little, and that everyone could make a difference. I just don’t think that your desire to blame on anybody, or to take a black and white view of people’s characters and choices, is going to get us there.

    The situation you describe from your own life sounds very painful, and I can understand your concern for your kids. I’m sorry you and your family are going through that. But I don’t think you’re going to help your kids by thinking of them as victims who now have a lifelong problem. Indeed, it’s that kind of thinking that you attributed to me when you referred to my using a bad childhood as an excuse (and trust me, my own “victim” stories from childhood are a heck of a lot worse than discovering my father’s affair). No matter how hurt you and your kids are right now, you and they are also strong and resilient. You can take your own advice and make choices that will help them to move forward as healthy people, no matter what’s happened. Easier said than done when you’re hurt, but that’s exactly what you’re asking the rest of the world to do, so go to it.

  181. 181
    Anonymous Says:

    #124 How noble, and yes, I’m being sarcastic. I am the wife. Yes, you learned a valuable lesson, but at whose expense? And how noble you stopped yourself from calling her to rub your affair in her face to hurt him. Do you think if they are back together she doesn’t know the details of your affair by now and the private details of YOUR life, and I mean PRIVATE!

    You call your involvement in his life a mistake? I call it a character flaw. I knew at the age of 19 when I inadvertently went out with someone who was married and I did not know it to feel instantly INSULTED that someone would think I was the kind of person that would be involved in something so hurtful to somone else.

    I think you underestimate the heartbreak, hard work, and expense of trying to put a marriage back together. You underestimate the effect this had on his child who still grapples with it 3 years later.

    As far as you making a mistake, that does not fly with me. At some point your so-called mistake became a calculated decision. At some point in your flirting and “benign” friendship you knew exactly when you felt that it was turning into somethinng else. It was at that time you made a calculated decision to move forward. This is the part I will never understand. When there is so much misery and tragedy in this world that cannot be controlled, what kind of person are you that you deliberately want to be part of something that is so hurtful and damaging to another person.

    Yes we have worked through it, but while you two may carry your so-called guilt with you, you two have left scars on my soul that will be there until the day I die.

    And, yes, everything I have said to you, I have said to him.

    As far as forgiveness for you, I do not wish anything bad to happen to anyone nor do I take pleasure in anyone else’s pain, even yours. And that will have to be enough for me. It is not something I dwell on but when I see a response like this it does rear its ugly head.

    As you know, I am responding to someone anonymous. I am responding because those that are in such situations or heading in that direction need to realize the depth of the pain it will cause to someone else. (And,I cannot adequately put the depth of that pain into words.) And those that have moved on and have never apologized to the wife and assauge their guilt on an anonymous website are once again being cowards. Live a life you are proud of. Realize all marriages have a low point, ALL marriages. If a man can only leave his marriage by being involved with someone else and not leave it honorably, do you want to be a part of that?

  182. 182
    Anonymous Says:

    If you are the “other woman”, mean don’t leave their wives and all the stuff that he is telling you about her is probably not true. With that said what makes you think that you are so much different or unique than his wife…really? Think about it what is so great about you? If you think your in love and he’s in love with you, your both in love with a fantasy a dream. An affair is not real life, your not dealing with financial problems, children and everything is secret making it exciting. When it all comes out in the open, if it does, he will choose his wife and everything that you thought was great even if you try to continue won’t be as great anymore. If your dealing with married man, what makes you think he won’t do it to you. Get a flipping clue seriously!

  183. 183
    Anonymous Says:

    #181. My my judgemental aren’t we?? Most people do not set out to do the wrong thing or hurt anybody. I will admit that at times people don’t stop and think about what they are doing or what the consequences of their actions might be until it is too late. Thirteen years ago i was the ‘other woman’. We were in love, I was young, he did the ‘right’ thing and stayed with his wife and children. Many years later I bumped into the one that got away, his marriage was all but over (separate rooms, agreed separation, looking for elsewhere to live). We became friends again and eventually (10 months later) lovers. We have now been in a relationship for well over two years with no sign of it ending any time soon. Both of us would have been happier if he had left his wife thirteen years ago and I have a sneaking suspicion that she probably would have been happier as well. Every situation is unique. I am sick of reading about how hard it is to forgive your husbands etc. If you don’t trust him, if it all hurts too much….LEAVE!!! Stop making everybody miserable. Have enough confidence and self esteem to stand up for yourself. If you truely love him and want to be with him then get over it because until you do your relationship will never move forward.

  184. 184
    Anonymous Says:

    ive been searching online for the past days for an article, anything, that would somehow ease the pain of what am going thru. and found it right here and more. i am the other woman. had been for 26 months. and as all of you, started as friends.i wasnt willing but i fell. right fr the start, he was honest. as to the limitations of his time and what he can give.his status. he was nice and as i was falling, i kinda learned to accept how the relationship was. he is married with kids, i am too but my family is back home in our country. so am basically on my own here. right from the start, i know there is never a choice bet me and the fam.i knew what my role was. but i kept loving him. he loved me right back. he tries to make time for me.we managed somehow.
    weve had our ups and downs. 3-4 months into the relationship i caught him cheating with someone and i dunno what i was thnking, i calmly confronted him and just went on with us as if nothing happened. then he started avoiding me(we used to worked together) and i got so upset bec he refused to even speak to me. it went to the point the i gave him my two cents worth and slapped him and walked away. accepting it has ended and he used me and i allowed him. bec i knew, i just couldnt prove it that there is another other woman.
    i thought that was that but he came back after 2-3 weeks and wants to start again. he said he had other flings during his marriage in the past but doesnt come nearly around as serious as we are becoming. he got scared he said. it was the reason he started to back out. bec he didnt want to get any more involved that he always does in the past. that i was “differet”- but he cant let me go.so. we started again. since then till now, we become so close its like we both cant live with out each toher, we would fight and not talk for days. broke up and the longest was 3 weeks and he would always come back to me. i would say many times to myself, that this is it. this is the end, i would end this, i woudl away away. but i always find myself taking him back. he is always the one begging me to take him back. i love him. he is my soulmate as i am to him. we talk and talk and talk and talk of everything.
    i feel hurt each time i realized how little time he has for me. but i appreciated the effort he does.he calls everyday, many times a day when he is at work, we spend so much time on the phone.i cant complain. then since he lives in another suburb about 20 min freeway,(we used to live in the same but ive moved away since i got a new job) he cant come to me we started resorting to other means to be with each other. i go to his house on nights his wife works. then one night, his wife found out about my presence in their bedroom i dunno how. and they talked and i guess he confessed. all the while i was already told by mm not to admit. deny. to death if she rings me. she rang me and from what she knew, i presumed she knew a lot, i couldnt bring myself to deny anything. she was very civil, educated. polite. and asked me if i want her husband bec if i do, she will giv him to me. i do of course. but i couldnt bring myself to ask where does he stand in all this? this is not for me to decide, its for him. i may want him and if he says i stay with my family. what will that make me? but it doesnt take a genius to figure out the choice he made.
    we hang up the phone, i dont really know waht we agreed upon or achieved. all i knew is taht she knwos about me. and she is fighting for her kids not to lose their father.
    since then i havent heard from him.
    and i kept waiting bec he said he will not leave me. but i guess, am jsut being stupid. and in denial. the decision time has passed and long gone. the decision has been made. if he wanted to me, and chose me, i would have known now. but i knew right from the start he woudl alwasy choose his fam.but am still very hurt bec deep inside me, i couldnt believe how he can just disappear on me when i thouight,how much we talked about how we love each other, all the efforts he makes just to be with me, to talk to me, to be able to call me. its all big effort.
    many times, in the past wehn i get so fed up he is going home, has to leave me and we cant talk anymore and i havent seen him for a week. i wish he would disappear in my life and leave me alone. the pain gets too much to bear waiting for time he can spare for me and if he has, it is so little time i never get enough, and i got that wish. he is gone. weve gone thru all sorts of break up. all kinds. and we always get together, this time, it was decided for us by the person who truly owns him. he hasnt called or texted or wat to say goodbye or explain.
    i am so hurt. not ashamed to his wife or the people been talking bout us. my only fault is i fell in love. honestly i have no intention of breaking up his family.i have accepted the fact he is married and i am the other woman; bec i love him. i accepted my role bec i love him. i may not be happy in my position but i dont have a choice. and oftentimes, it brings my spirit down.
    i guess its packing my bag time for me. if he calls me, waht for? i woldnt want to continue the way it was, he had the chance to choose me but he didnt..
    and am still reeling from the pain of that realization.
    but at this very point, am thinking about how he is at home. how he has to put up with his wife and hung his head and thnk of me and cant do anything. how he has no one to talk to. when i would have been there to listen.
    i would welcome all comment and insults and suggestions. i need it. please.
    major major stupid aye?
    call me “fairy”

  185. 185
    Anonymous Says:

    I was the other woman and he was the other man. We both have crappy marriages and both just wanted something different. I don’t know what he was looking for but he must have found it in me. I knew exactly what I wanted and I got it. I never thought I would go outside of my marriage but I had no control over the circumstances that made me do so.
    I told myself that it would be all business without getting emotionally involved and for a while it worked perfectly.
    He started to become more into me, if you want to call it that, and that’s when it changed. I started liking him too much. My husband found out and it ended with the other guy for about seven months but he came back into the picture with a vengeance. The emotions only got worse and eventually his wife found out, thus ending it again.
    I hate that it ended the way it did because I need some sort of closure. I miss him because he had something my husband doesn’t. However, I am trying to get over the fact that all of this happened. I’m trying to get over him and I’m trying to find a way to sever the hold he has over me. I’m trying to be strong.
    I never thought I would cheat but I did and there is no going back. I’m a different person but that isn’t a bad thing. I don’t plan on going from one guy to another, that’s no who I am. I didn’t plan on getting together with a married man but it happened. I didn’t plan on being the other woman.
    It’s been mentioned here but those who have been cheated on I know the first thing you are going to want to do is beat the snot out of the other woman/man but you really can’t blame them. Don’t get mad at them, get angry with your spouse and with yourself. It’s both of your faults but I’m not excusing the behavior of the other person.
    I made my choice and I do not regret it because I learned some things about myself that my marriage was suppressing.

  186. 186
    Anonymous Says:

    I am in an affair with a man who is not married but has had a relationship with a woman for many years. She has bonded with his grown family. She no longer has sex with him and tells him to see hookers for sex. she doesn’t enjoy any form of sex. My husband, who was this man’s friend in school, died and we met shortly after and re-newed our friendship and passion eventually. It was a mutual love that we felt should have been fostered when we were young. Now his woman is leaving him but taking his family along with her and not explaining that she will give him no sex, isn’t even interested in it. He and I enjoy a full relationahip and enjoy each others company. we both feel a strong attraction and love each other but the family and other issues are hard on him. We have made a commitment however and have to stick to it. It is not easy but we do love each and have each other to lean on while his family adjusts.

  187. 187
    Anonymous Says:

    Ladies, I am going to give it to you straight up! Men who cheat on their wives, girlfriends, significant others, etc. don’t ever leave that person for the “other woman”. Why? Because they are selfish and want their cake and eat it too! If a man has some money, this attracts those “gold diggers”. He is the one you have to watch out for. He is not about to end up in divorce court having some judge split up the marital property because he is selfish! So, for those of you who are the “other woman”, my advice is to run – run real fast and don’t look back. You are only kidding yourself. Your “part-time” man who can’t keep his dick in his pants will only use you! If you have any respect for yourself, you won’t get involved with a married man (or one who’s attached). Go find your own man who can be with you and give you what you need and want – 100% of the time – nothing less.

  188. 188
    Anonymous Says:

    I have been dating a married man for just over a year. I first met him when i began my new job. He was my manager at my work. We just clicked. He has mentioned leaving his wife because he is unhappy with his marriage. He talks to me about all of the problems he is having and so do i. I know that the best thing for me to do is to end this affair before anyone gets hurt and finds out about it. I am emotionally and physically drained. im tired of working around his schedule and know that i deserve better. I feel guilty for what i have done and wish that it had never happened. I love him, however, i know that the best thing for me to do is to let him go. I now am stuck in a bigger mess than where i started, my ex-fiance, whom i love and want to be with has recently expressed his feelings and wants to try things again..as do i. I need to end this affair in order to begin a fresh start with the love of my life. How do i get the courage to tell the married man that this has gone way too far?

  189. 189
    Anonymous Says:

    I have just walked away from a 1 year 8 month relationship with a married man who has a 5 year old daughter. I could not live this lie any longer. It’s not healthy and could hurt many paople. It was all about the physical and living in a dreamland.. He said he was nearly divorced when we met but later found out this was not the case. If a married person can’t get physical gratification from home, then they will most likely wander. Sadly it is human nature.

    I was told I could not have children and at the age of 40 had accepted the fact that I would never be a Mother. I moved on and 2 years later was swept away by this man. We have been through all the emotions, honeymoon and realisation stages mentioned in these pages by all the other people here who have, or are going through the same experience.

    By some miracle of nature I fell pregnant at 42, and we were shocked beyond belief! He was 36. He didn’t want me to go through with the pregnancy. However this was not a road I could ever had taken unless there was a serious medical reason that might have warranted it.

    Our daughter is nearly 7 months old now. MM lives in denial about her. It’s no wonder as he is petrified of being caught, and his little 5 year old girl needs her Dad very much. I would never want to come between him and his family. The Blinkers are off my face!

    Yes I was wrong to have reciprocated the feelings/gestures of this man, and I was blinded by love, then hurt, then guilt…but oh my goodness the greatest gift of all has come from this realtionship, a precious child! I want to be the best Mother I can possibly be for my daughter.. I live for her and love her with all my heart.

    I was wondering if the are any people out there reading this who were born from an affair? How were you told and has it been a difficult road for you? I think about this every day. I want to be as honest to my daughter as possible. She deserves to be respected and shown honesty as I want to live my life this way from now on…..

  190. 190
    Anonymous Says:

    I have been in an affair with a married man for almost 10yrs. We have a strange relationship to those in the previous sites. We are ok with our marriages. Have kids and live normal lives but…. Yup! we are seen each other. More emotional than sexual but a hug or kiss sends temperature’s rising. We were intimate about 7 yrs ago but we have kept our relationship to phone calls, occasional secret meetings and emails. He said he would like to have a sexual relationship again but he respects my decision not to. I have been searching for a reason why I am involved with him. My marriage is strange in the sense that my husband is very old school and believes in been the provider. He works himself to the bone not paying any attention to my needs. He seldom if ever makes any sexual advances and has not been romantic since forever. I have been doing all the initiating, dating, asking and I’m fed up. I have addressed all these issues with him but i promise you it falls on deaf ears. he wont consider counseling, saying that nothing is wrong. I stick it out for my son and family and i don’t believe in divorce. Anyway my husband is too possessive to even consider a divorce. I’m feel like his trophy. We are civil to each, run a business and carry on. I wanted to end this affair on so many occasions but it seems the only logical, caring, normal relationship i have. it keeps me sane on so many levels. I’m walking in the dark.

  191. 191
    Anonymous Says:

    why would a man flirt and flirt with you and nothing physical happens between the two of you and then come to find out he is engaged! Then after he is married atleast a year decides he wants something physical. I’m so confused, I know i’m not the important one but why is he so persistant. I’m dealing with struggles of my own (self esteem) and this is just not helping .

  192. 192
    Anonymous Says:

    I had an affair for 3 years with my boss who is 9 years older than I. He wasnt my boss when we started. I had known him for 20+ years. He and I were both married. Mine was a miserable 14 year marriage to an alcoholic who as much as i tried to get to counseling never admitted to his disease. I needed support and love. I found it in this man who was the absolute complete opposite of my Ex. He told me upfront he would never leave his wife. I was ok with that because i had enough truma in mine, divorce and all. After each breakup there was the addiction pulling us back in. A little over a year ago he confessed he could not live without me. So he tried to tell his wife he did not love her anymore and proposed to me. That lasted 1 day. He could not leave her. The fool i was i stayed in the emotional and physical affair. Earlier this year i had enough and went away for the weekend with another man(platonic). He found out and hit the roof. Mind you he was still married, still making love to his wife and i had been divorced for a year. He ended the affair. I did not pursue him. I was finished with the rollercoaster. Two weeks later, he called me to tell me he is going to leave his wife. He wants to be with me. He knows what he is leaving and knows what he is getting. He moves out at the end of the month. He has his own place. Together, We look for houses where i live. He makes the final decision on the house to buy. I played the fool again, i put the mortgage in my name because he is still married but separated. He is at the bank closing. Urging me on.

    Two months pass. He moves his things from his wife’s house to mine. TWO WEEKS LATER, he moves ALL his possessions BACK to his wife’s house.His wife made it clear she was waiting the 2 years until he came to his senses.

    As he is moving his stuff from my home, He looks at me with those sad eyes and says I’m sorry. What the hell! I’m stuck with a mortgage i don’t or can’t afford and he is back in his wonderful world.

    I guess he was still in the Affair fog. I got jolted out of mine. Actually, that was the first decision i ever made in my life that i made with my heart. It will be the LAST decision i make with my heart. Because i was frends with him so long before the EA started i had a great deal of trust and respect for him and his decisions. I cant even trust and respect myself right now how in the world am i going to trust and respect another man.

  193. 193
    Anonymous Says:

    in the fall of september 2009, an affair started with my friends boyfriend. their relationship was on the rocks even before the affair started. when he came to me i declined, cause i knew it was wrong and it was my friend that i was betraying. at time before this affair, i was dealing multiple deaths to ppl i was close too including my mother who passed away 2.5 yrs and a cousin that i very close too whom i took as a brother committed suicide a month before the affair. i was an emotional wreck, i quit my job cause i was emotionally breaking down on a daily basis. at the time i juss wanted someone to hold me and make me feel safe. unfortunitly for me it came as a form as an affair. i loved the fact i was showered in attention. during the first 2 months i was seeking help with my chronic depression and insomina. about dec i slowly started to pull away. he noticed too but with his attention showering i came back to me, then again in march i started to pull away again cause my friend got pregnant with their 2nd child she was very excited, he told me he wanted another baby but he was hoping it was to be me not her. eventually from march to november we maybe hooked up once a month cause the guilt was killing me. then about this oct i found out he had 3 other women. i avoided him, then one night in nov. they were both at the bar along with 2 other friends. i got wasted cause of the guilt i told a friend (whom i thought i could trust)she told me she will be there for support and we will wait till after the holidays to her about the affair. to my surprise she ratted on me the next day, i found it funny cause they juss backstabbed each other, guess she was lookin for brownie points if she beat me to punch. well after that i was confronted by text. i did not deny it in any way. but he lied and said he was drunk and that i took advantage of him. i had some of her family harrassing me about this. told them it does not involove them and if they kept bugging they were gonna look at lawsuits, they since left me alone. i was the one publicly slandered to point i dont leave my house juss for work now. she told everyone i was the one to blame for everything and he did nothing wrong (cause he was drunk and doesnt remember bull shit).

    however alot of our own friends knew about the affair, they did not tell her in way. i did not fall in love with him cause i did not care for him like that. he told wonderful stuff like we would run away together, but to his surprise i refused too. but she knew he was running around on her but she still remains friends with his “other women” but i got the lash, funny aint it. during the first 2 weeks i actually did not remember starting the affair. when i came out of depression temparary it came to me, i went into a panic. but he was there and told me it was ok. stupidly i believed him. my dad and brother have been supportive with me and not getting involved with him or her, cause i asked them not too. i found comfort with ppl i least expected, they are helping me through this told me its not the end of the world that i am not the first to have an affair. some of them know who he is and what he is about, and some got into arguements with him that he should be a man and tell the truth about it and for her to get off her high horse, accept the dirty truth that he is a dirty mutt, and have a backbone and leave him. but she wont, she never had a backbone in her life, plus she is no stranger to affairs either, she did the same thing i did but hers were much shorter.

    now almost a month later when it came out, they pretend to be in love, and believe everyone loves them cause of the ordeal i put upon them. i do feel bad at it, i regret it very much. if i was not in a such a bad emotional wreck i would have walked away and started nothing. a one yr affair caused alot of guilt and pain that was not worth it. when your suffering from chronic depression nothing matters at all except yourself.

  194. 194
    Anonymous Says:

    To #193: to hell with those people with their false morality. You’re honest – that’s what is important. The multiplicity of desire and action will always lead to confusion. You’ve done the right thing by being straight about everything. There’s nothing more you can do except have pride in your own courage.

  195. 195
    Anonymous Says:

    It’s amazing a year and a half on how much I still think about my husband’s affair with his coworker. Sure, I’ll accept that there were problems in our marriage, there still are (they are different now). I always knew he was a huge flirt but just denied to myself that he would take it to the next level if a woman reacted to it. What a stupid fool I was! I was giving him the benefit of the doubt because I thought it was just his midlife crisis. It was so miserable to be around him because he was so miserable due to his wanting to be with TOW. She fell for him because they like the same music and she loves everything foreign, and they work together. He said she was passionate and I am too even-keel. Unfortunately I learned way more than I want to know about their relationship from things I have found that TOW gave him and friends that have told me. I learned about their trip to Europe together one week after burying my dad (only learned about the affair shortly before that). They were leaving the following week with my husband’s excuse that he was going to visit his family in Europe.

    This by far has been the most painful experience of my life. To my husband it was for “excitement” and like many of the comments on this site, he used to ask friends if they believed in “soul mates” – obviously he felt they were. Well, all this “excitement” with his “soul mate” just about lost me. Although I took my husband back because I did not want to make any decisions in haste, we have an 8 year old son, I think I will eventually leave him over this. I cannot reconcile in my mind that he feels he was entitled to this affair and didn’t think it would upset me that bad (he said this in the few counseling sessions he attended before quitting).

    To any of the women out there considering having an affair with a married man, don’t do it. I have been propositioned by husbands of my friends and others and have been so happy not to have reacted to them even if I found the person attractive. I can live with myself on that front. Of course there is always blame to go around but you only enable these cheating husbands who did not want to face the problems in their marriages. In most cases he is not interested in a REAL relationship with you. Once his wife is no longer in the picture and you can have a REAL relationship it is no longer exciting- the fantasyland of the secret affair is exciting. My husband has lost most of his friends over this and although a few things are better in my marriage, others are worse. I know he is scared of divorce because I will get half of everything. Who knows, sometimes I think I should thank that idiot woman for exposing my husband for the complete fraud he is. I am still attractive and desirable to other men and as the scorned wife think I wouldn’t mind starting over. I just need to be in a little bit better place to do it. Any comments are appreciated.

  196. 196
    Anonymous Says:

    I am the betrayed spouse. My marriage was a pretty good one as we didn’t have any problems but after 10 years being with him we decided to have a baby. I fell pregnant and as he told me his words “he would wrap me up in cotton wool” and look after me when I was pregnant. Did he? No! he started screwing an 18year old known office whore after I gave birth to our son (he was 32). He never helped me with anything!

    He was acting strange, aggressive and stupid and denied the affair till I got the facts. He finally confessed it. I gave him 10 years, a healthy baby son and this is how he thanks me? The “Other girl” comes from a troubled background and am assuming has daddy issues. I threw him out. sold the house and got on with my life. He is now trying to turn this whore into a housewife. She is only 20, has been in and out of court, participated in attacking me (cold hearted cow) is around my son and posts up her married boyfriend over facebook to delibratley humiliate me and he alows it all. She is the most cruel insensitive, disrespectful bitch I have ever come across and has no intentions of marrying my husband or building a life with him.

    A year on I have moved on and am happier than ever but I will still NEVER forget the damage this other girl did to my life and now my son. I don’t know how I am going to explain to him I married a man child and a teenage whore delibratley broke apart his family and his father let it all happen.

    I will never understand why a women would want to be with a taken man? He made a commitment to a women and he is not yours to take or want to take. the fact he is commiting udultrey is red flags to me but I guess there are a lot of selfish stupid whores out there. they deserve these men if you ask me.

    Women and men that take or want to take or have sexual relationships with married people need there heads read. They need to get some morals and values and stop going around destroying peoples lives. one day it will happen to them and then they can see all the pain hurt and anguish it causes into their lives and see how they like it.

  197. 197
    Anonymous Says:

    Hi its 118 here its been months now since ive written i found myself getting involved with a married man last year in the summer put my feelings on here to explain how i feel yes there were some great comments which helped me and yes i got slatted big time for being involved with a married man but i couldnt help myself found myself falling in love with this guy he turned my life upside down but after being on here and hearing from other people i found the strength to move on and end the relationship which i did had no more contact with him no texts or calls well this was in june he went back to his wife and then learnt he wasnt happy and left her again so back in september i dumped into him again when out with friends including his brother who told me that im the only one i want to be with and that he can see the effect its had on him hes never seen his brother like it before and that he was out of order by the way he treated me!! My god yes i know i shouldnt of got involved with him as he had a wife and family but why did his brother have to tell me noe after all the time ive tried to move on so yes we spoke yes it got extremly emotional between us and i could see a huge change he said he had moved out now for good wasnt working at home with her again and he thought about nothing but me all the time and still wants to be with me so i left saying sort yourself out first let me sort myself out cause no way im getting hurt again so the weeks passed took my kids out to the cinema one weekend and yes youve guessed it he was there with his two kids and his wife i couldnt belive what i was seeing and i couldnt avoid them either and to make my whole world shatter in two i know his wife the ground collasped beneath me had to grit my teeth and say hello spoke to her for 10 mins said my hellos and made my excuses to sit down i cried all the way during the film why lie to me again god what muppet i am i couldnt of gotten out of there quick enough and yep later on my phone went and it was him he said so so sorry but his wife was having a melt down making all sorts of threats to him if he didnt come home and he has gone back for the sake of the kids i couldnt speak to him told him to leave me alone now never to get back in contact with me again. But the worst thing about all of this is that all the feelings i had for him have crept up on me again why is it so complicated love is evil when its with the person you cant have and really want to be with he made me complete in everyway still texts and rings but i ignore it when i really want to answer ive even dicided to move away to start again but why is this man in my head when i was doing so well please i need some help its driving me mad!!

  198. 198
    Anonymous Says:

    197– it would be easier to read your posts if you used simple punctuation, grammar, and capitalization. That hurt to read.

    Sooooo there are a couple billion people on the planet with penis’s and you HAVE to have this one??? Cut him loose–he’s been lying to his wife for a long time. You think he isn’t lying to you? It must be easier to lie to you since he doesn’t have to live with you.

    In the end it just comes down to a choice and you continually make the choice to be with another woman’s husband.

  199. 199
    Anonymous Says:

    198 first to say sorry for my grammer!!

    Yes i know there are a couple billion people with a penis and yes my mistake i choose that one when i first met this guy he told me he was single and there were no signs that he was married and he kept this from me in the beginning for weeks and weeks until he told me that he was married and there was trouble with his wife but it was too late id stupidly fallen for him. And yes he has and still is lying to me hence why ive didided to move away and cut all contact.

    Im not with this guy anymore and havent been for a while i couldnt help my feelings no matter how wrong they were and you cant help who you fall for either and ive learnt my lesson big time.

  200. 200
    Anonymous Says:

    I read a few.

    For those that are angry with the “other,” sometimes you need to realize that we don’t pick who it is that we fall for. Sometimes it just kind of happens. I have been on both sides of the picket fence, I have been cheated on and left for the “other” and I am now finding myself being the “other.” I was hurt when I first found out that I was being cheated on. I knew that we had some problems but had never thought that anything was a big issue. Unfortunately he did not see it the same way and decided to leave me. So I nkow the hurt and the pain that it caused. i know what it was like to feel it and I know what it is like to feel so lost and so very confused, wondering what you had missed and how you could have fixed it?

    I moved on eventually though. I knew that there was no point in staying and wanting to fix it. because if he didn’t want to fix it, we were just going to stay on the same platue we were already at.

    I ended up meeting someone else. I was instantly attracted to him and I had found him to be just all around great. We were, of course, friends at first. Just hanging out and just talking a bit. I knew he was married but that didn’t stop the feelings that came to bloom

    I tried to talk to others, tried to date others but found myself comparing them to him. eventually, i figured maybe a co worker would cork cause then neither one of us would be willing to risk it. of course that didn’t work either. One day, he kissed me and I kissed him back. We acted as if though it had never happened but we couldn’t deny that we cared about each other. Now, I am playing the game of the “other,” I don’t know how its going to end. it may end up terrible or it may end well.

  201. 201
    Anonymous Says:

    169 and 197 – Its hard and I really feel for you as I have been the other woman. It lasted 17 months! I was the one that ended it because being TOW is bittersweet!!! Funny enough, he has tried to get in touch recently and I have thought about replying but havent because what difference could it make. He is still married and doesnt want to leave “for the children” It doesnt mean I dont think about him and miss the times that we had but then I remind myself of the times I could not speak to him, see him at times, go out because he has family commitments and the rest … He got to know my side of the family and my friends but I could only get to know two members of his family. Whenever I feel that pull to talk to him or see him, I remind myself what I didnt get from the relationship and that is a full-time partner who could out in teh open with me. Its hard, truly hard but I am fighting for my SELF!!! And for those people who want to look down on TOW, you need to really look at yourselves, if you are that cold, unswerving and uncompassionate then you need to look in the mirror because you dont know maybe that was the face you were giving your husband/wife when they felt they couldnt come to you discuss the state of your relationship. No I am not trying to say that it clears TOWs of blame but the truth is dependent upon perception. You standing from one point of view are not going to have the same view as the person opposite you. 170 and 197 – I guess there are only two colours in your rainbow – black and white (Oh yeh there’s a debate about that two!!!)

  202. 202
    Anonymous Says:

    I have been having an affair with a married co-worker for the past 18months, we started a friends and even talked about how we wouldn’t take it to the next level. But it happened. I do not expect him or want him to leave his wife, all I want is his happiness. I know I am not the only peron he has had an affair with and I know I dont mean to him what he means to me but I love him and am gratefull for the time I spend with him. Yes I feel the guilt and I dont want to hurt his wife. I know it will end and each day I am afried is the last, I have never felt a love this strong for anyone.
    My great fear is that I am slowly destroying him by mking him lead a double life and I know for this reason I need to end, it is just so hard. we have both tried at different times to stop but it never ends and we are just drawn to each other. I dont want anything more from him than what I have.

  203. 203
    Anonymous Says:

    this article has very accurately described exactly what I am thinking and how I am feeling and has given me some reassurance that my responses are normal.

  204. 204
    Anonymous Says:

    201 here! He has been in contact and has told me he has left home. Soon after I called it a day. Im guessing he wants me to open the doors again, but there is so much more that would have to be sorted before I went back there. Yes it is tempting but the last thing I need is for him to change his mind just as I think everything will be OK. I need to get on with my life and let him get on with his …

  205. 205
    Anonymous Says:

    The most beautiful mistake I have made to date was loving a man who had a family, a home, a mother to his children. I learned more about myself in the past year of my life than most people scratch upon in a lifetime! Love should not come at the expense of pain that someone else may feel, nor at the expense of one’s own feelings. I know now that if I am “worth it” a man will make sure that he has no baggage, no wife who will call and interrupt his time with me…. no woman at home who’s feelings would be shattered if she knew I existed.

    To all those who find themselves in a position to be the other woman, take a long hard look inside yourself and find a way to know that you are just as beautiful, just as smart, just as much a woman if he never makes love to you (emotionally OR physically). If you are already the other woman, take a bit of advice from Marilyn Monroe :) and listen but do not believe … leave before you are left…

  206. 206
    Anonymous Says:

    I can’t believe there are women out there who are interested in hooking up with a married man, come on! I mean, how do these men meet these women? Is there like a skank bar you go to or something? I’m just curious…

  207. 207
    Anonymous Says:

    Here is another “the other woman” story. I am 36 years old and the married man is 47. After a 14 month affair, which I ended last week, I am taking a long hard look at our relationship. I relize I am the trophy girlfriend and his addiction is the sex. Through the lies of – “You are my soul mate” You are everything I’ve been in search of my entire life “You are my best friend” “You are the love of my life” “I want to spend the rest of my life with you” etc. Its been 6 months since his wife packed his balls in a brown paper bag and sent him on his merry way. They are still in limbo and he continues to play me and play her. So, to all of you other women out there – let him go…..concentrate on YOUR life, stop dwelling on the What-if’s and realize MEN who cheat and don’t leave their marriage honorably by being honest are worthless and you are better than that. Learn from the affair – identify how it makes you feel – the good the bad and the ugly. Your future relationship with a new partner will be stronger then ever and he will WANT you in his life unconditionally not at his convenience. Thank you for letting me vent and PS – did I mention he is a cop ?

  208. 208
    Anonymous Says:

    I come to this page for support, not the negative BS but from those that have been TOW and know that we all come from different situations and upbringings and backgrounds etc..

    That being said I just want to put my situation out there because I have nobody I can talk to about how I am feeling as TOW and I need support because I feel like the pain is never going to end.

    I am married, he is married and we work together. We talked (mainly texting) for 3 months and have been sleeping together for the past month. The other day I said I may have some feelings for him and wanted to know what he thought of that. Well he wasn’t responding so finally, a day later I asked again and he said he was too tired to talk about it. Well I asked again and I guess he felt like I was insisting on the conversation so he replied saying he “needs a little down time”. What the hell does that mean?????

    So we used to text every day and I haven’t heard from him since he said that comment and its now been 3 days. What hurts the most is that I am not sure if its over or not. Based on what I have read here I feel like I should be embracing the opportunity to end it now and suffer through because it would be harder later (if it continued on) and just focus on my marriage but a part of me really wants to contact him and demand to know if its over or not (not very empowering for me giving him the final choice). I feel used and disrespected because he is ignoring me. Only a man could sleep with someone and just virtually walk away… or has he?

    Haven’t hurt this much in a long, long time :(

  209. 209
    Anonymous Says:

    To those who say they want out, but it is hard, I note this is counseling web site. Try Ms. Berger, or any of the myriad of counselors out there. Buy some books on the subject. Read some blogs. Get some help. Don’t continue to destroy yourself and others.

  210. 210
    Anonymous Says:

    208 – Yes it is over. He doesn’t want to risk his world and marriage on you. When you signaled the intent to make some sacrifices he did a quick evaluation of the sex with you versus the cost of sacrifice and you came up on the short end of the tally.

    You see–you have gotten involved with a coward and even if you were able to end your marriage for this person and attempt to make a relationship work he’d do the same to you–or you would do the same to him. You both should know this. He got what he wanted as a guy– a new woman to have sex with and having zero cost to those choices–until you proposed sacrifice and cost through your “feelings” comments.

    Yeah–the one thing that always kept me from having an affair on my wife all the years was that the effort to pursue another woman and keep things secret and giving up my self respect took more effort than it did to just make up with my wife and make her feel good about me, us, and herself. It was less. In the few times I considered it I thought about the act of wooing another woman and what it would take would be more than wooing the one I had and I had the added benefit of not destroying my kids or another family’s kids and home. Seems like a pretty simple math problem to me.

  211. 211
    Anonymous Says:

    #208

    End it now. This guy obviously doesn’t have much feeling for you. This early on in your affair he is already igoring your “feelings.” Huge red flag. If he comes back to you and you guys go back in the affair, he will almost certainly do it again and again to you in the future. Do you really want more of hurt, uncertainty, loss of dignity? And yes, more you stay, more emotionally you invest in this affair, harder to let go. You are only in it for a month. Distance yourself from him, let it go! Don’t contact him. Silence is the only way to take your power back. Check out iVillage EAS (ending affair support) board. They offer some good advice and support in ending your affair.

  212. 212
    Anonymous Says:

    #208 here. I ended it yesterday after another week of down time and game playing. Honestly I regretted it right away, and am still kind of bummed about it but I also feel a huge sense of relief. Relief that I do not have to deal with the affair… it takes a lot of energy and aside from not really getting the answers I was looking for from him as to why it all went “bad” so quickly I do know it’s better this way. I still have to see this person at work periodically but that is my kharma for getting into this in the first place.

    One thing I do want to say is that it is hard, so hard when it ends. My guy turned out to be a real prick, but those of you that have been in it longer and that both feel the same feelings for each other and still deal with the balancing act and emotional highs and lows that come with it have it way harder.

    I am left feeling stupid – high risk for someone that wasn’t worth it. It’s hard to deal with emotionally, it’s the end of a relationship either way, and no support because you have to suffer the end in silence. It sucks and I will never, ever do it again.

  213. 213
    Anonymous Says:

    To No. 64 You’ve hit the nail right on the head.

  214. 214
    Anonymous Says:

    I’m a widow and a single other-woman in an affair with a married man, and so conflicted about it, especially after reading all of these posts. My husband was killed in an accident about 9 months ago, it nearly destroyed me, the pain of losing him. We were only together 4 years but they were the best 4 years of my life, and I have been utterly devastated by his death. So a few months after his death was I was borderline suicidal, and my lover (married, who was a good friend from before my husband’s death) kind of “rescued” me… from losing my mind with grief and/or potentially hurting myself. His rescue came in the form of love, both emotional and physical intimacy.

    I fell into a relationship/affair with him because I am needing someone’s love so badly and he is right there, always there for me. He is a wonderful friend and I think I have fallen in love with him, if that’s possible so soon after losing your spouse… BUT… I am still grieving my husband. I never want him to leave his family; I would never trust him as my husband cuz he is deceiving his wife now… but I feel incapable of leaving him. I’m also bipolar, I don’t take meds, and I’m terrified that losing him will exasperate the depression I feel about losing my husband. Depression is not even a strong enough word.

    Double loss within a year… i.e. I just don’t know if I can take it. Now I realize I have gotten myself in a worse situation and I am very afraid of loss in general because one day my beautiful husband walked out the door and never came home until they brought him to me in a bodybag. I love my lover and I get most of my emotional support from him, nobody else knows what is going on in my head and how frightening it can be. But even in the affair I feel so alone, I see him maybe twice a month if we are lucky and the rest of the time its texts and phonecalls etc… i.e. I am alone a lot. I don’t know if I am even looking for answers cuz i know what the answer is. I just feel like it may send me off the deep end cuz I am so SO close already. I know this relationship won’t be enough for me, I want what I had– which was a happy, satisfied marriage with a man I would’ve done anything for.

  215. 215
    Anonymous Says:

    @214 Please talk to someone about this, whether a grief counselor, therapist, or whomever. I can feel your pain coming through your post. Yet I think you understand this is not the best way to deal with the pain, and is very likely to lead to more pain, for you, him, his wife (children?). The fact you came to this site leads me to believe that. But this is a counseling site, so contact someone in your area to help. I can’t say what kind of help you might need, but I am sure a professional who can assist you in thinking through all of this would be worth it. I wish the best on all of this.

  216. 216
    Anonymous Says:

    #208 here again with another update because I think it’s so important for everyone to at least hear about the inevitable downward spiral.

    In the beginning I read all the posts about how badly these affairs could end but just breezed over them because I thought that wouldn’t happen to me.

    Well it has ended pretty bad and has now “infected” our mutual workplace. Most people don’t know (including our spouses, I think) but its awful working with him. I approached him at work and asked if we could talk and he freaked out and told me to only talk to him about work things because he did not wish to discuss anything personal with me and told me not to talk to him at all anymore. He then went to a supervisor and said if I didn’t leave him alone he would file a harassment complaint (our supervisor thinks we have had some major disagreement!). I am so hurt and angry that he would risk my career to save him the time of talking to me! He slept with me and now he’s done with me. End of story, nothing else to say.

    So I am left to worry if people may or may not know and if some people do know if he is painting me as chasing after him. I am left sad about what we did have because it was great (and totally like a DRUG, I miss how he made me feel because it was new and exciting) and I believed his lies that we “had a good thing” and he really liked me. Not even 3 weeks ago things were great. I have no closure as he will not talk to me and has told me to not contact him anymore but yet I have to work with him and I blame myself for ruining it by being honest about my feelings… see post #208, that was when the downward spiral began.

    This is hard, I don’t even know if I am doing it justice with my words… if I am really describing how very bad this feels – the hurt and the anger are overpowering. And to deal with it all alone is the icing on the cake. At the same time I am somewhat relieved it is over because I am no longer anxious about balancing two relationships, when he’s going to call or text again, why I haven’t heard from him, if he’s mad at me, etc…

    So that’s it. I am going day by day for now because that is all I can do. Get out while you can, have the discussion face to face and be done… it’s not worth it. Mine was only 4 months and I will take longer to get over it.

  217. 217
    Anonymous Says:

    @216 First, I am glad you are posting here, letting people know how it really turns out. I suggest getting into a support group, get some counseling or even read some of the better books out there on the subject. Like a lot of bad experiences, one can use this as a chance to grow, or not. The greatest tragedy would be if you don’t use it as a chance to grow, to address those issues within your self (and the marriage) that created this problem.

    I hope and pray this will work out for you.

  218. 218
    Anonymous Says:

    Women who go after married men are nothing more than heartless cold people. They know when they set out to trap these men that they are intentionally destroying entire families. They don’t give a hoot about what happens to the wife and children. They know exactly what they are doing and it’s unforgivable. Women who do this are sick. They can take a perfectly good marriage and wreck it without the blink of an eye. Not every marriage is bad when affairs begin. Of course every marriage has problems, but for the offender to manipulate a man for her own agenda is pure evil. There is no excusing or justifying what these people do. They do it on purpose with both eye’s wide open.

  219. 219
    Anonymous Says:

    #218…I agree whole heartedly. The excuse that the wife is some how the cause of the affair is ridiculous. Like you say, all marriages have their issues, but people have a choice. Women in the position of the OW make a CHOICE to persue the relationship using the excuse that they are “In love and just can’t help it.” Well, serial killers use the same excuse…”I just couldn’t help it”. Sorry if this analogy seems harsh, but if we all went around doing what we FEEL like doing instead of the right thing, I dare say that the world would be a more chaotic place than it is already. If your spouse thinks that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, maybe he/she should try to plant a little bit more grass in his/her own pasture. The results might just surprise them.
    I’m sure that I will be blasted for this, but I really don’t care. It has been my experience that the affair is usually about the wayward spouse and their own insecurities. It has little to do with their wife/husband. Not all marriages that are affected by affairs were bad to begin with. I was shocked to learn about the bald faced lies that my husband was telling his little sweety. Yes, I recorded some of his conversations. I didn’t want to believe that he was capable of such despicable behavior. He really had me fooled. All of the signs were there, but I trusted and loved him very much. This is typical behavior from a married affair partner. So, OW/OM, don’t believe everything that they say. The married man/woman has to try to justify their behavior in some way.
    As #218 stated, some of these women/men do this with their eyes wide open and then have the audacity to think that they have certain rights and privileges. Well OW/OM, you have no rights. You are simply the play toy left sitting on the side until the married affair partner has time for you. I don’t know about you, but I have more respect for myself than that.

  220. 220
    Anonymous Says:

    219 – So are you now saying that you are no longer married to that despicable man?

  221. 221
    Anonymous Says:

    That’s right #220. We are co-habitating for financial reasons only right now. He is no longer with the OW either. How interesting. The money ran out and she dumped him. As for me, I can no longer be intimate with someone that I don’t trust.
    By the way…I said that his behavior was despicable, not him. He is just a good person that made some really bad decisions and did some really horrible things to me and our family. Mental, emotional and physical abuse are things that I will NOT tolerate. He pretty much went from being a wonderful husband and caring father to a man that I didn’t recognize in any way. We are talking about 20+ years. The affair changed him. He went so far as to cock back to punch his daughter in the face when she called his little concubine a whore.
    It really is sad and I hate that our children were front and center to his abuse. That was HIS CHOICE. I did the best I could to hide it from them. I’m sure that now he looks back and wonders what he did. It’s too late. He threw away his family with both hands and now he doesn’t have us or the OW.
    I’m not saying that people in affairs are not good people. REALLY GOOD PEOPLE make really bad choices sometimes. What I want the OW/OM to try to understand is that the affair, once revealed, can cause wide spread damage to innocent people. We loved and adored him. All that has changed now. Just the thought of him with that skanky woman makes my skin crawl. The marriage is over and I am waiting on some financial decisions to be made. I can’t go back now, too much has happened and I have too much respect for myself than to wonder for the rest of my life if I was merely the convenient choice.
    “Never allow someone to be your priority while they make you their option.”

  222. 222
    Anonymous Says:

    My husband had an affair with a co worker. At the time the affair began we had been married for 14yrs. There were many things wrong with our marriage at the time and I do not deny my own contribution to the breakdown in communication between us, However I did still love my husband deeply and always thought we were experiencing “lifes unfair and often unjust problems” some of these problems put a strain on us and were things like menapause,imputence,ageing parents,redundancy,and difficult teenagers. At the time the affair began I was 50yrs old and my husband was 49 and under grt pressure with fear of redundancy. He told me that tow was also fearing job loss hence the meeting up for coffee and chats began! He began to talk about his private life and how unhappy he was and hey presto they became close and the affair began.
    At the time their relationship began the ow had been involved for a number of years with a widower whom she very quickly dumped when she set her sites on my husband. the affair lasted for a year before my husband finally confessed. Like many wives i had had my suspisions that there may be someoneelse but couldn’t quite believe my husband was capable of such deciet and betrayl.
    After his confession i felt like the bottom had fallen out of my world the emotional roller coaster i found myself on was not a pleasent ride. He told me he loved me but had feelings for the ow, said he wanted his marriage but still felt a connection to her, he had bought her expensive jewellery, he described how she faked orgasm in the bedroom etc etc etc. It was like living torture for me. Howeveer he said the affair was over cos she had been in touch with an ld flame on facebook and they had met up again and she had slept with him. But he was very ill with emphyseamia and may only have a few short years to live. I found this absurd and couldn’t believe what he was telling me even though he seemed to. This old flame then apperently committed himself to her on their first meeting(after they had slept tog)and this was very imp to her.
    Over the next 7mths i fought hard for my marriage but this woman would periodacally phone or txt my husband to meet up for coffee and although they ddnt sleep tog they were emotionally involved still. Of course all of these meetings were done in secrecy so my husband was lying to me again, I finally discovered a txt he had sent to her and confronted him with it. At this point i could not take any more and asked him to leave. It was xmas 2009 and our 15yr old daughter was devestated.
    The ow had been married x2 before, her second marriage lasted around 15yrs before her husband had an affair with another womaan after she suffered postnatal depression for a yr after giving birth to their only child. They tried to make the marriage work for 1yr after his affair but it finally ended with her having a revenge affair. Her husband ended up with the woman he hadhad the affair with and she ended up on her own with the child. After a sexual bender of 17 lovers she ended up with the widower for 12yrs, then the affair with my husband. She also told my husband her father had made inapprpriate suggestions to her as a child and touched her breasts in front of other family members.By the way she was older than my husband at 54yrs.
    My husband finally returned to me in Jan 2010 after sleeping with the other woman twicw more when we were seperated. She then told him she was committed to the old flame she had betrayed him with. It is now april 2011 and somehow we are still tog. When he came back in jan 2010 I dont know why I let him. I have gone from total heartbreak to confusion to anger and now I feel numb! All of this has affected our children deeply especially our now almost 17yr old. My husband tells me every day how sorry he is and he cries and he is always telling me he loves me. I have had the stuffing knocked out of me. I feel run over, I no longer cry or have any dreams. I dont believe in love anymore.Our daughter has asked us not to split up. We have had to be tested for sexual transmitted diseases cos of her history. I am so un unhappy. I cant believe my husbend ever loved me to treat me this way. He admits he was selfish and a monster who was infatuated with a woman who built up his ego. I fear I will never recover from this.
    By the way after sleeping with my husband in jan2010 she married the old flame in august of the same year without telling him about her affair with my husband. However he does now know cos my husband placed a letter telling him the whole sordid story directly into his hands only last week. This was he believes the right thing to do because during the 7 months after their affair ended when she was txting and phoning my husband and meeting him for coffee the old flame knew nothing at all but she was putting me through hell.My husband also says that at that timethere were 4 people involved in the mess not 3 cos she was having a relationship with this other guy and he married her not knowing what was happening.
    Becos of this letter to her husband we have now had a visit from the police asking my husband not to harrass her anymore. My husband was furious and said that she cont to harrass us for 7mths after the affair ended untill she finally drove me to throw him out after the discovery of a txt message. He also told the policeman that he was prepared to do anything to make her hate him enough to stop her ever thinking she could get in touch with him again.
    My story is fascinating but true, dont yu think it has the makings of a hollywood blockbuster? its a farce but it happened to me, I ived it!

  223. 223
    Anonymous Says:

    i am having an affair with a married man for almost 6 months now. i wanted to leave but everytime i was about to say goodbye, i just cant. I love him so much..

  224. 224
    Anonymous Says:

    To #218:

    What makes you assume that women who are involved with married men “go after” those men? What about those married men who actively pursue the OW’s with determination, and who persist until they are successful? I think it is very naive of you to assume that these women are setting their “traps” waiting to lure married men into their lairs… I mean really! I also think it would be safe to assume that many married men involved in affairs have instigated those affairs. Don’t you believe that men have the ability to choose, and to be responsible for their actions? So stop blaming the OW’s and blame all three parties, husband, wife and OW are all responsible for the affair. People are more complex and their decisions reflect many things from experience to history right down to the chemistry of their brains. And marriage is very complicated and elaborate institution which was established when lifestyles and cultures were very different than those we live with today. I believe you are not allowing for any of these factors in your sweeping statement defaming OW’s.

  225. 225
    Anonymous Says:

    I am the Other Woman, more like the “shadow on the Internet”. For over a year, I have been deeply involved in a long-distance relationship with a man from another country, thousands of miles away. I am single, he is married with children. We are very much in love, best friends, soul mates who just happened to meet at the wrong time.

    My children are all grown up, his are still dependent. He’s told me he can’t leave because of the children,his terminally ill mother,and finances, and he doesn’t want me to leave my situation because of my family, and the distance. I have turned my whole life upside down, even changed my schedule to match his time zone.

    We met on one of the social networks, and discovered we had many similar interests, and a passion for each other that won’t quit, and we support each other as we can. Yes, I feel guilty sometimes, and I have made several attempts to break it off, but neither of us can stay away from each other, or deny how we feel. We know there is no future for us, not even much of a chance we will ever meet offline. So, we just take it a day at a time, enjoy what we have, and try not to think about the future much.

    Sometimes, I feel like an old fool (in my sixties, and he’s 12 years younger), but being in love and getting the attention I have had from him, have made me feel young and attractive for the first time in years, given me a new lease on life,and made me realize I do have a lot to offer a man. Even so, I sometimes wonder how long I can stay in this relationship. The reality is that I spend an awful lot of time alone, missing him, and realizing he is with another woman, his wife. It’s especially rough during holidays. Valentines Day was especially bad, and we nearly broke up, when he told me he wanted to do the right thing and try to work on his marriage, and that he wanted to keep his family, but that he loved me, too. Still, he always says that if things were different, he would be with me.

    Sometimes, I don’t know which is more painful, the whole process of having an International long-distance relationship and facing the harsh reality that the odds are against us meeting offline, or the idea of breaking off completely, thus ensuring that we will never meet, or have any contact of any kind, and will hurt each other simply because it’s the “right” thing to do.

    To those who have been so glibly, and harshly condemning us other women, I have one thing to say: Judge not. Until you have experienced something like this, you don’t know how you would react. We did not plan on meeting this way, or falling so hard and so quickly. We did not know we would still be together a year later, in spite of all the odds against us.

    And one more thing: people often say that a long-distance relationship is nothing but a fantasy. Well, let me tell you, the feelings are very real. With the Internet, Skype and all the other technological advances we have now, this issue has become more prevalent, and will continue to be so for a long time to come.

  226. 226
    Anonymous Says:

    I had been having an affair with a MM for two years and he told his wife about me, telling her that he had realised that he had never loved her. He told me that he was deeply in love with me, that I was his soulmate and the love of his life. We shared a passion, a chemistry and connection that I’ve never experienced before. We had so many common interests that he told me he could not share with his wife such as music, the countryside and walking. Basically, we felt that, had we met sooner, we would have been together. The only fly in the ointment was the guilt he felt at breaking up his family and being apart from children. He has unresolved issues from his own childhood that make him more determined not to let his children become part of a ‘broken family’. Despite all his reservations, we made plans to be together and he left his wife to try to sort things out on his own. He found it impossible during that time, to reconcile his feelings for me with his love for his children and he kept feeling that he was being asked to make a choice (which he just could not do). He stuck it out for six months. But when his wife offered reconciliation he decided to go back home and try to work on his marriage. He has ended it with me because he needs to give his marriage a chance and doesn’t want to keep veering back and forth between us. We have left things open until three years time when his son will leave home and go to university. But until that time, no contact. I have this home that we will get together eventually. Despite all the things I’ve read about affairs with married men, I just feel that my situation is different. I don’t know why. Maybe because it’s because he told his wife about me and did try to leave (unsuccessfully). Nothing he has told me makes me doubt that he has been truthful with me, during the time we had the affair. I wonder how he will make it work with his wife after the things he has said to her. I wonder if she can forgive and forget what has happened and move on to forge a good relationship. I can’t stop thinking about him.

  227. 227
    Anonymous Says:

    I am looking for support… I have read almost all of the posts above, and can relate to many.
    I am the other woman involved in an affair with a man unlike any I had ever known. I won’t bore anyone with the details but here are the basics.

    • He used to be my boss, but it was such a large company that I didn’t really know him until a chance meeting after I had quit to take a different opportunity.
    • He’s 37, I’m 25.
    • Love at first sight type of meeting
    • He has been happily married for 13 years. His wife is beautiful and he has never said a mean thing about her. They have never even had a fight… They have 2 children, 7 and 4.
    • We have been seeing each other for 1 year and 4 months… non-stop… Talk everyday and spend time together every possible moment we can. We even take brief trips overnight places etc…
    • I ask him to be with me and marry me and he just can’t bear the thought of hurting his two children as well as his other friends and family…
    • We have had long talks about what life would be like if we did pursue a life together, and I understand all of the hardships that will come along with that, but I am ready to take them on… and he is not.

    I finally told him that I just can’t handle this anymore. I deserve to be someone’s one and only. I am sick of not being his priority. I have done this countless times in the past, and I always cave within a week and we start back at square one.

    I am looking for encouragement to stay strong and not cave this time. The only way I will ever move on to someone else is with time… Although at this moment I can’t imagine life with anyone else.

    I have given him the ultimatum… all or nothing…and I need to stick to it! Help :)

  228. 228
    Anonymous Says:

    #227

    Try looking up ivillage EAS (ending affair support) board. There are many post on that board share a similar situation as you and offer great support in ending affairs.

  229. 229
    Anonymous Says:

    @227 You also may want to check out a webite called “baggareclaim”. It has a lot of info about trying to break out of this kind of cycle.

    Wish you well. You, his wife, and kids all deserve better.

  230. 230
    Anonymous Says:

    Many of these comments have advice from people replying to the OW/OM who posted a comment. Most of this advice says something like – “besides, you will feel terrible if you’re the cause of his marriage breaking up and his family being broken.”
    I have to point out that these OW/OM are not empathetic to the spouse or their children. No, they actually won’t feel terrible. They want the lover to ditch his wife and children for them. These people are selfish to an abnormal degree. Its all about them. Its difficult for a person with an average amount of empathy to understand how these OW/OM sleep at night. But they sleep just fine..

  231. 231
    Anonymous Says:

    I read a lot of the comments and everyone I read, when the MM ended the affair- the OW claims that he ended it because of the kids, his comfort, etc. But I didn’t see 1 comment where the OW conceded that the MM loved his Wife. If these men ended their affair with you, and confessed or got caught by their wives, you can bet these men are groveling their true love for their wife, and claiming you were a mistake. And you know what? Most of them are telling the truth.
    You excuse yourselves from wrongdoing by saying that life is complicated, things aren’t black and white, etc and thats how I fell in love with this MM. So why is it so hard for you to believe that, because life is complicated, this MM loves his wife? That he was lost, messed up, reckless and bored, thats where you came in? That he realized it wasn’t you he loved, but his Wife all along?

  232. 232
    Anonymous Says:

    @231: Good point. I think both sides tend to look at things in a fantasy world. I suspect the MW/MM trashed the other spouse to much the OW/OM can’t believe they would go back. But the MM/MW was only telling part of one-half of the story, the part about how their spouse wasn’t…(fill in the blank), the part of the story that would make the OW/OM feel sorry for them, etc. When the MM/MW realizes they were only looking at part of the picture, things change.

    Plus, I suspect that if many MM/MW having affairs don’t really want to leave, they like having the triangle, and saying they only are staying for the kids is an easy line for them to use, and an easy one for the OM/OW to buy.

    Yet, the reality is that most MM/MW won’t end up with the OW/OM, even if they get a divorce. Why would you try to build a relationship with someone willing to have an affair with a MM/MW?

  233. 233
    Anonymous Says:

    @232 Yes, I think that many MM probably tell the OW they are breaking it off because of their children. The MM has truly been behaving spinelessly. They continue behaving like that when they break up with the OW. Its likely that they have told the OW that they don’t love/ or sleep with their wife anymore, probably many times. So instead of explaining their lies, they think its easier to say they don’t want to hurt the innocent kids. Its something the OW can’t really argue, its an easy way out for the man.
    Its a real shame that so many people are willing to cause someone else so much pain.

  234. 234
    Anonymous Says:

    @233. Amen to that.

  235. 235
    Anonymous Says:

    He pursued me. We worked together. The chemistry was unbelievable. I sincerely fought it, questioned his intentions with what appeared to be (and was!)his pursuit of me. Why are you doing this? Why aren’t you asking your wife to go sailing with you? to go skiing with you? to go hiking with you? Why are you changing your plans to travel here frequently and staying longer to spend time with me? I was confused. I honestly didn’t believe that someone as perfect as he seemed would be attracted to me. But he was – he explained life at home, a love-less marriage – for many years – just a matter of time until the children were out of the house – she was never ‘the one’ for him – found themselves pregnant and got married – but he never felt she was ‘the one’. He wore me down, I was unbelievably flattered by the attention that this successful, gorgeous, funny, exciting man was pouring on me. It was an irresistible drug to someone with low self-esteem to know that someone like him really wanted to be with me, thought I was beautiful, missed me when we were apart, wanted me physically….. I believed him and fell deeply deeply deeply in love. That was 5 years ago. Many changes within those 5 years for us, but I continued to pour myself into him and his life, being available to him at a moments notice, being the ‘perfect’ partner to him – emotionally, physically, financially – there was nothing I wouldn’t do for him – I wanted him to recognize that he ‘couldn’t live without me’. During these 5 years, we had our ups and downs but never could seem to break it off even though we knew we ‘should’. I even saw emails to his wife, to his ex-girlfriends, to his prior ‘affair’ (who he still talks to weekly) – but even with all that I thought I was ‘different’ somehow. I mean, if I wasn’t ‘the one’ why would he even give me the time of day – he put just enough into the relationship to keep me interested – I came to expect so little from him and when even a crumb was dropped for me – a phone call here, a txt message there – the once a month ‘ i love you’ , I treasured that so completely – living off the crumb for days telling myself that he really did love me and that life was ‘just tough’ right now and he was confused, but soon he would recognize that I was the love of his life and he couldn’t live with out me. Last week, his wife found out about us – she read his email – ok.. not the way I would have wanted it to happen, but maybe, this will finally force action – he couldn’t bring himself to get off the fence one way or the other before – this will give he the opportunity to finally tell her how he feels about ME. All the kids are now out of the house – at jobs or in college, they have ,afterall, had a loveless marriage, and if truly “haven’t had a physical relationship in over 5 years”, I mean, how much of a surprise can it be that he was in love with someone else? It will be a tough conversation but a needed one for all concerned to be ‘happier’. That was a week ago. He called to tell me that ‘this is goodbye’ and we can’t have a relationship b/c “his kids would never accept me”. I’ve tried to contact him. “Can you please call me? I can’t do this any more”. His response? “No, I’m Sorry, I can’t”. No remorse, no feelings, no compassion – he started this, he took everything I had to offer, and now that I am suffering as much as everyone else that’s part of this mess he has no time for me. As I look at it now it’s been the textbook – classic affair. He is a playboy that has always had affairs, has affairs when he’s having an affair, he’s a compulsive liar and a narcissist. He fed my need to feel wanted and loved and attractive but in reality my self-esteem has been totally crushed by this immoral behavior, holidays and weekends spent alone, forgotten friends so as to be ‘available’ to him at any time, – what started as something that made me feel on top of the world has left me now wanting to end my life just to stop this pain and shame. I was in love with a dream, I was in love with a fantasy, days are nightmares and nights are the only relief to be had and that only after exhaustion from not sleeping for days. I am unable to focus on work, unmotivated to ‘do’ anything. I don’t want to speak to anyone face to face about this. I don’t know what to do. I pray to God for relief but I don’t think He’s listening. Why would he listen to the prayers of someone that has disobeyed his laws for so long? I just want this pain to be over.

  236. 236
    Anonymous Says:

    First, God will listen.

    Second, please check out a site called “baggagereclaim.uk”, I think. Your story sounds like many of them on there.

    As a man whose wife is having an affair, I am not sure how much sympathy I can give you. Just hope you can realize that this was the wrong path for all involved, and that maybe at least you realize that, and can work on getting on the right path

  237. 237
    Anonymous Says:

    To 114/129/165/205: What are we doing??? #114 – you don’t seem to need help, your emotions have not run away with you…..
    yet…and maybe they won’t. I could have written #129. I am an emotional basketcase and don’t know how to proceed. Counseling?
    About what? I was seeing a single guy AND my MM ( took all sex precautions so don’t preach). I dumped the single guy 2 months
    ago because he made me feel way more lonely than MM does! I THINK I want a boyfriend, but I am not sure I want that daily thing. I
    am happy with MM, but I dread the day he disappears for good…and he will. I want a connection. I wear a ring set that looks like a
    wedding/engagement set and I find myself wearing it, looking at my hand, and wishing a man I liked as much as MM had wanted to
    give me these rings. Recently I find I am acutely aware of men using the “wife” term…… Men seem very proud of having wives. I have
    no desire to upset anything in MM’s life. Do not think he loves me….it is about fun times and satisfying sex. But I have been crying a
    lot. The more I see him the more I cry. The way these web sites vilify the OW…..my goodness…they are no help. Why am I so
    emotional? I have dated, met several single guys, never wanted to be permanent with any of them. This MM pursued me, I avoided it
    for a year, finally gave in…and find I like him very much. IF I could clone him, I would. I saw myself in two of the points above – the
    “looking beautiful/house orderly” and “wondering why he cheats”. I imagine his wife loving him as much as I do…even more because of
    their years of shared togetherness…and finding out he’s cheating….how that must hurt. What the H is going on in a home that this
    could happen? He is a serial cheater….he is also a good father…involved in the community…. I am not a part of their social set and do
    not want to be. He invited me to his house once for his wife’s birthday party…I told him there was something wrong with him! Seems
    like a lot of anger in his marriage. Seems like he craves the attention I give. My parents divorced when I was in my twenties, very soon
    after I (the last child) went out on my own. I found out that others thought they were the perfect couple…..funny…I always thought they were a poor match. So you never know what is going on unless you are in it. I am a ball of emotional confusion.

  238. 238
    Anonymous Says:

    @237. Wise thoughts, yet all of us, no matter what side of the story we are on (I am a betrayed husband) know how our emotions run ahead of our thoughts. You seem to realize that this won’t end well if it keeps going, so at least you have that to start with. The fact you are here shows you want to get off this path, so even though I am on the other side, so to speak, I will wish you the best on all of this.

  239. 239
    Anonymous Says:

    I am so glad I came across this site – I have found it so helpful reading about other people’s experiences even though I still feel like my heart is lying in the pit of my stomach right now. My affair with MM was only physical for about 4 weeks. We have worked together for a few years though I would not see him on a daily basis. Over the years we became friends in work and would chat whenever he was in, largely about work stuff and sometimes music but he would also talk about his wife and son. He has had my mobile number for quite some time but would only have sent jokes etc that were going around. Sometimes in the office he would joke that we needed to have a night of passion which I always laughed off as being ridiculous! Then he joined facebook and things slowly started to change. We began having instant chats and I’m not sure if it was because he could look at my page and get to know me outside of work whether this was the catalyst but initially our chats were quite innocuous, maybe mild flirting or banter on his part, which I would always rebuke with a comment about his wife or telling him not to be ridiculous. I have to admit, I was flattered with the attention but truly never believed anything would happen. He was very complimentary and through these chats I really felt I’d gotten to know him better on a personal level (and him me), I really liked him as a friend and he assured me he’d never cheated in 20 years and I believe him. For 6 weeks this continued along with increasing text messages, again banter where he was insisting we would be together and my reponse was always one of resistance (there must be thousands of exchanges) but the change came with one message and him telling me he missed me so much it hurt. I told him not to be ridiculous and go do something with his wife, he then started admitting he was thinking of me constantly, could not lift his phone without having to text me etc. By this stage I knew I was emotionally involved as well. We had to attend a work do some 5 weeks ago and he had a hotel room (lives 60 miles away) and this is where the physical side of things happened, we kissed through the evening and ended up at his hotel. I wasn’t proud the next day and really expected it to just be a one off but now he was telling me he loved me numerous times a day, flat out texting and phone calls whenever he got the chance. We have spent lunches together, a few evenings and days and of course saw one another the odd time in work. Last Tuesday evening he didn’t log out of his FB account and his son (17) saw and copied our last few messages, which weren’t sexual in nature but may have hinted we were more than friends, and then his wife saw and went mad. He denied all of course and explained the messages away, text me saying she was going to call me the following day, she didn’t believe him etc. This has obviously made contact difficult though he still has been texting lots, still phoning when he can but on the advice of a friend I called it off on Friday, what is the point in conducting an affair with someone who can’t get out of the house? He said it wasn’t what he wanted but conceded he would be watched like a hawk for the foreseeable future. I said some hurtful things on Saturday morning via text about him using me and being narcissistic (PMT) because I was hurting, he was hurt too, we have spoken several times and still texting, he has said he still loves me but thinks I’ve made the right decision and we should call it a day because he’s emotionally exhausted and things are still very tense at home. He now is suggesting no contact until we see what happens? I still have to see him in work! Albeit not very much at this time of year thankfully but I feel we deserve to say goodbye properly having invested so much of my emotions in him. He said we’ll talk in work through the week, I’m afraid in case I get too emotional and can’t cope with the rest of the day. I’ve suggested my house which he has said no to because ‘we know where that will lead’ – I just feel I need to be close to him once more…am I mad? Any advice on how to get over this would be much appreciated – I’m so sorry this post has been so long – I don’t have many people I can talk to about this so thanks to anyone who bothers reading!

  240. 240
    Anonymous Says:

    Life sometimes does suck…I had my husband’s married bf… profess his love for me 7 years ago during my time of separation. I needed a genuine friend and I had always adored this man and was melted by his words…. I now now hurt every day for seven years by responding to him…I continue to painfully share him…..

  241. 241
    Anonymous Says:

    I am a OW who knows my MM loves his wife, has sex with his wife, and will never leave his wife. Not because I feel it, but because he said so. I think most MM who cheat are in this boat, and they lie to OW who make it clear that they want to be lied to. Most MM are not going to give up the security of the homestead…so stop lying to yourselves OW.
    I am curious why my MM cheats…and I believe it is because he needs ADORATION. My parents divorced when I was an adult and I recall never feeling that either of them got any joy out of the marriage to each other. There are moments of parenting joy, but few man-woman joy moments I can remember. Mom always seemed angry, Dad seemed to withdraw and just try to do what Mom wanted. I saw marriage as a very lonely emotional voyage that I did not want to take. I never wanted to be married. I remember my Mom telling me (after the divorce) how she’d cry after having sex with my Father. I overheard my MM say its “lonely” at home. I also heard him say that marriage is for rearing children, and he always wanted children. He mentions thinking of me when he shouldn’t be. He says I have improved his marriage.
    I think my trysts with MM are pockets of fantasy where giddy love and romance and almost unconditional acceptance thrive. Our visits are short and sporadic, which helps maintain the illusion. It is a problem-free fun-filled zone. And that is why it is so addictive. Not at all like a marriage. Which is why marriage to the OW will fail if either partner thinks it’s going to remain idyllic.
    I feel like MM would lose interest in cheating if his wife openly and genuinely adored him. Why she doesn’t …I do not know. It appears to me that spouses become martyrs for their children and resentful toward the other partner. Being a lover is deemed unimportant, a childish wish, and is pushed to a back burner.

  242. 242
    Anonymous Says:

    I’m 27, just got out of a four year relationship, and was forcing myself to move on. I quit drining two years ago and it has really exiled me from meeting others, the “bar scene” isnt working. I go to school and workand I’m lonely.I was serving a table of business men at work, and there was one man that caught my attention, he touched my braclet and normally it would turn me off, but i felt an attraction. He came in again and I was happy to see him, he stared at me the whole night and it felt good. He left with his coworkers and then called the restaurant and asked for my number.. He told me he was 31 and feed me lines. Here on business form Houston, and thinkig of moving out here. I wasnt interested in him at first, there was something off, but when we became intimate, my feelings changed. He seemed perfect, but would have to fly home to Houston, for various reasons, selling a house, birthday,etc. I’m pretty busy wih school and work and i had my suspitions. Well, the wife called me. Married with two kids, 44 years old. All lies. His wife is leaving him, and all my friends have been there for me. But i still am seeing him. He say’s he loves me and blah blah. I feel horrible, to do this to his wife after i know. I’ve just broke it off with him. But I’m a mess.

  243. 243
    Anonymous Says:

    There is a married man 10 years or so my junior and we definately have a connection.
    I have no plans to take it any further, and appreciate the fact that there is a mutual attraction.
    I find this flattering and amicable, but do not want to be a home-wrecker or have my relationship altered with my own spouse.
    I like the attention and feel that he does to, as a change from usual business of yooung family life.
    I hope that it gives him the energy that it gives me, and makes him feel good to, and that’s all.
    There are many qualities here that I really appreciate in him, and they seem to make him the man of my dreams, but I accept it as a dream
    Dreams are not bad, but should be recognized for what they are.
    I hope that he dreams of me and the qualities that he appreciates in me.
    It helps to know what qualities I can get my husband to work on to match these, as I have come to realize how exhilirating they are. They bring a newness, and welcome experience.
    I want to feel that way in the relationship and reality that I already have.
    I am learning what matters to me at this stage of my life, and its not a reason to end the relationship that I have, but apply these discoveries to it.
    I can say that I love this OM in certain ways, and it can be very true.
    I love certain things about him, that he may not necessarily display at home.
    He could very well be acting additionally charming, thoughtful, sweet, chivilrous,touchy, appreciative, complimenting, and flirty because it makes him feel good to be seeking attention and getting it.
    The mind game is good, if the boundaries are maintained.
    Distance helps. There is no constant contact, and little ability to increase periodic engagement.
    Visibility is comfortably limited to a couple of times of month through mutual activiies in public settings.
    This makes it easier to have the detached dream, and remote interplay.
    I plan to keep it this way.
    I want to maintain respect, honor, appreciation, attraction, distant affection, and boundaries.

  244. 244
    Anonymous Says:

    I betrayed my wonderful husband. We were together for 7 years; married for almost 4.We have a beautiful son toghether; we had a great relationship, we were a beautiful family.Those have been the best years of being in a relationship for me.I throw it all away in an instance of infidelity and I know there is no way for me to get it back. If there is any regret in life, this is it. I regret not being strong enough to fight off temptation.
    This is a second time that I have done something “immoral” while being in a committed relationship. Sometimes I wonder if there is faulty wiring in my brain that makes me do such things. Anyway, I’m not trying nor going to make excuses for the atrocities I’ve commited against my husband and my family. The scars I have inflicted on my husband is permanent and irreversible and even though I would love for him and I to reconcile, it will not be logical.
    My advice to married adulterers and married adulteress, don’t do it! It is not worth it, not by a long shot! In the end you loose everything you work so hard for and everyone gets hurt. I will live with this for the rest of my life and since it is apparently hard for me to stay faithful in a committed relationship, I will be faithful to staying out of a committed relationships(marriages). I don’t want to experience this no more.

  245. 245
    Anonymous Says:

    I’ve been seeing a guy with a girlfriend for a while now. It’s hard since most of the time I don’t feel like the other woman – his girlfriend lives on the other side of the world, so we’re able to spend as much time together as we like and he certainly treats me like a girlfriend rather than just a booty call. But then she’ll call him late at night when he’s round mine and it all suddenly seems very real. It’s very confusing – one side of my brain keeps insisting that it’s him who’s cheating and it’s therefore his problem, but there’s still a very big part of me that feels awful about this whole situation. I think we’ll probably end it in a few weeks when he graduates (we go to university together), which I just hate the thought of since we have such a strong connection… it’s probably for the best, but it hurts.

  246. 246
    Anonymous Says:

    I have been the other woman now for over 1.5 years..We are both mature adults middle aged. He 33 years married and comfortable, myself divorced and very happy with my life and secure financally. He pursued me… I avoided the advances and when I had business meetings at his office I kept them cordial and left. I travel… I crossed the line with him and one would think, I knew the difference.. It was not until five months into the relationship did I learn he was married… and he shared he had other affairs, red flag.. one I chose not to see and that he had once planned on leaving his wife fiften years previously..
    Today he is afraid of perception of others and know one knows about us.. wrong answer to every- one, I do not live in the secretworld… he does to protect himself… yes, he is selfish and many other things… I have seen all sides of him and I fell in love with the person not the “meaning”… we lead separate lives in separate states. He will tell me does not want to “ruffle” the nest and loose his adult children. Did I tell you his wife knows all about his other affairs and he is still there and on a short dog collar…. And he next time a man asks you to ride on his Harley, and you are stil waiting, say now or never….I have no regrets and enjoyed every moment with him and will until .. I say No more… life is too short be happy and have fun… it his guilt not mine….and it his lies to himself not to me… and it is fear not mine, and his life with his wife and family.. It is all his to have ownership and do I think he will leave her, No… he will find another after I leave and the pattern for him will continue and his wife.. will always be his wife and he will be on the “leash” always… running scared of himself and no one else..

  247. 247
    Anonymous Says:

    #235 – seriously? You are looking for sympathy?
    I’m the betrayed wife. We had a good marriage. I truly believe that. We were even actively trying to make baby #2. When the rug was swept out from under me. Three years, a divorce, one neglected little boy by his dad and financial ruin for a lifetime I am sitting here typing this. TOW will get no sympathy from me. As a matter of fact, I hope she rots in a deep dark hell for all the pain she has caused. She was a coworker and knew my husband was married. She could have had some self-esteem and walked away. Her happiness came at other people’s expense. Karma will come back.

  248. 248
    Anonymous Says:

    AS sad as I feel as sick I have made myself over the ending of the relationship, it is a good thing….
    One of his co-workers saw us together at the stores and commented you too are in love… this was many months ago..
    While being there three weeks, I was told by Mister I should look for a house for “us”… so I mentioned it to my friend..not knowing the area. I asked for her assistance…

    She mentioned to him and he called me to tell me NO One knew about us… what had I done and he wnet on vacation and came back this past week , refusing my calls no communication… I mentioned it to my friend .. and she oh my. I confronted him and said how pleased I was to ” help ” me… NOW I know I broke his rules of Do not tell anyone and his being parnoid is out and flying and being as a afraid of himself and his reputation.. He walked without so much as thank you or goodbye…

    I have megga meetings this month with him and he is cancelled my meetings… He cannot face me and one more thing…. I heard from some else.. he asked her to go for a ride on his Harley… This man is 55 and will continue on this path of game playing…. Here is the email I wanted share…

    I’m so sorry :( My heart aches for you. He’s a jackass! He’s a coward and he denied you… and he does not know what he will be loosing in you and with you….

    Honesty is not one of his strong points, he showed that for sure… I am glad you were not upset with me and I am sad you will not be up here…. to live…It not ever went anywhere with me and I glad to have the friendship we share….

    I remember the day in December when I saw the both of you and I knew and I said to you ” on my gosh you are both in love with each other” and you kept beaming and said ‘yes”.. and I sat you down and said be careful..and I loved seeing your happiness…

    If it is any comfort ” mother” is not you and not at all like you and I am sure she doesn’t have your charm, wit,grace and qualities and patience and understanding…. and does not have any looks at all… you are gorgeous….nor your talents’ ….

    Time will heal and the reason this all happened will be revealed to you when the time is right. You will grow from this and be happy again. Hopefully together…..

    You have a huge heart, a great smile, are by far one of the most real people I know, grow your garden, take care of yourself and know it is his loss and he is still a jackass!. And he will find his way back and you will be there… anywhere…. he is running and running and missed “the boat” completely…

    It is the family as you say, and they are adults.. and that is all he knows and he cannot move outside “the box” and you know him better than he knows himself…. and he is afraid of “mother” and perception means nothing… only too him and he still is a jackass!!!!

    Try to find a way to stop throwing up and get some sleep… enjoy the weekend…

    See you soon and we will go out and have lots of wine!!!!

    So to all you other women … Complete yourself with your self… and know that..

    It is our life and he gave wonderful memeories and I can smile and the pain will pass. Would I take back…. I do not thing so..

    I am taking me back!!!!

  249. 249
    Anonymous Says:

    I would like to say thank you to be able to have a safe place to speak so freely with reservation.

    I am number 247 and have just learned that my affair man has been seeing other(s). I am so glad that things are coming into perspective.

    My heart aches for both myself and his wife…..

    To be so self centered and to have such a sexual addiction is very sad for him…..and fear based and the degree of narcasitic behavior…. he will learn….

    At age 55, two grandchildren , two great children and too run the stores as he does and to have started a business nine years is admirable…. the other pieces are not….. it is all about him and no respect for my feelings nor his wife’s…..

    To all of your other woman … grow from this and call your therapist… I did… and I will cry some more and then laugh and know for the past year and a half…. I had fun and I enjoyed myself and I learned more about me than ever…..

    I thank him for coming into my life and the great teacher he was…. and now can be a great friend… In todays’ world one does not burn a bridge….. you build a bridge!!!!

  250. 250
    Anonymous Says:

    Update on #239
    We didn’t end completely around the time of my last post – still lots of texting, some phone calls etc. The FB contact certainly dwindled but some contact on there too. He took me out for my birthday lunch for ‘closure’ but of course that didn’t happen because deep down, neither of us wanted to end. Still madly texting, still seeing eachother when we could but I was finding it increasingly hard to control my jealousy…jealous of the life he had when he left and I was alone, feeling heartsick if he let me down etc. etc. He found it increasingly difficult to endure my mood swings (and I honestly believe they were so intense because of the abnormal ‘relationship’ we found ourselves in). Bottom line is, he will never leave the life he’s enjoyed for 20 yrs..he will admit they have a volatile relationship but he couldn’t give that up for 8 weeks or so, which I understand so we had to end it. That was last Friday..I was a basket case all weekend..he was texting all weekend and called me a few times on Saturday. I saw him for the first time in work today (which I had been dreading) and asked him to stop texting, it was not fair on me, he agreed. Today was terrible and it’s feeling very painful at the moment. I know it had to be done but I have to mourn the ‘relationship’ in secret. I miss him already, yet know it’s best all round if we’re not in contact. Maybe it’s because I’m missing the 50+ texts per day, the constant attention. I really hope I can get over this and move on soon, the hardest thing is being in close proximity in work and knowing any future (short term) plans we had made are now never going to happen. I haven’t felt so comfortable around someone in years and it pains me now that I can’t even have a friendship with him, yet, as it will be too painful…..it hurts so bad but one lesson I have learned…never again will I be stupid enough to get involved with a MM.

  251. 251
    Anonymous Says:

    I am 21years old and have been seeing a married man for
    9months now. He is 41. We met out in a club when he was down for business, I wasn’t aware he was married had children or even As old as He first said he was. The moment I spotted him i had to speak to him.. We started chatting and getting
    To know each other. We ended up spending the night together, he left in the morning for work and I left soon after. He text me that night, we have
    Spoke almost everyday since. He is interstate for work alot so I fly into see him or we meet In hotels here.
    I don’t trust him 100% and I’m always doubting what he tells me, which is normal I guess. We speak only when he’s at work or away from the family, and only on his work phone. I don’t know his wires or children names, which is how he wants it. I don’t expect him to leave his wife for me, and In a way don’t want him top. I love him so much that when we try to end it it doesn’t last, but I know it has to end, in a way the sooner the better. But how?
    He’s wife saw a message from me not long ago, and he lied his way out of it.
    Does anyone have any advice to give me or of they have had to walk away and how they got thru it? When I try I feel like my heart is tearing in two. I have been in two long term serious relationships and never felt the pain I feel when I think I have lost him. I feel like he’s apart of my world and I’m apart of his lie. I’ve never asked him why he does it, or if he wants to be with her.

    Some feedback would be greatly appreciated.

  252. 252
    Anonymous Says:

    #251….
    Just drop this looser and get on with your life. You are way too young to get involved with a 40 year old cheating rat bastard. He will lie to you and he is playing you like a violin….and probably laughing about it with the boys. You are probably a beautiful young woman with a lot to offer the right AVAILABLE man. Do YOURSELF a favor and don’t let this continue. It will only destroy you in the end. You will begin to have expectations and you will be hurt and disappointed more times than you will be able to count. He is just looking for fun and he doesn’t love you. Sorry to be so harsh, but that is the ugly reality.

    Take care and I hope you get out of this before you REALLY get hurt..or worse…you are a party to something that destroys a family. Trust me, his wife already knows something is going on and she WILL find out. Unless you are ready to fight a wife and mother for her family, you better just cut it off. Trust me…It WILL get nasty…!!! You can lie to yourself all you want and try to convince yourself that she will never know, but she will! He will tell you EXACTLY what you want to hear and you will believe every rotten word that comes out of his lying mouth. Don’t sell yourself short. His family deserves better and so do you. Remember this….”If he will do it with you, he will do it to you!”

  253. 253
    Anonymous Says:

    #252,

    Thank you, your feedback is greatly appreciated and i honestly feel better after reading this.

    The last thing I want to do is to hurt his family, and myself – anymore then his and mime actions already have.

  254. 254
    Anonymous Says:

    Hi im the wife my husband has hurt me repeatedly when I was miscarrying our child and almost died he was with another woman she had his phone thats what made me lose my first child I forgave him later,but true to a cheater the next year I was pregnant again on the same day of the previous year I miscarried again from his actions I am still with him an he hasnt changed what should I do

  255. 255
    Anonymous Says:

    #254…
    The writing is on the wall…!! He isn’t going to change and don’t let him manipulate you. That’s what he is doing.

  256. 256
    Anonymous Says:

    Hi, I have willingly entered into a relationaship with a married man, he persued me many times before i gave in. I am not looking to split him from his wife but I keep falling into the trap of trying to see him and giving into him when he wants to see me. He lives very near so its hard not to bump into him. Its really just a sex thing but sometimes its more than that. I want to kick this habit but dont know how.

  257. 257
    Anonymous Says:

    @ #256

    Muster up all the strength you can (if you have not already done so) and walk away…no RUN away as fast as you can!! The emotions felt in these ‘relationships’ can become overwhelming very quickly and will hit you like a freight train if you’re not careful!!

    Trust me, I have been going through the same kind of thing now for 4 or 5 months, physical contact stopped 6 weeks ago but I’m now trying my very best to get him to have no contact at all, at least for a while, to try and get myself some head space. It’s fine for him, his life is as it was (and always was) if you think about it, every time he left me, he obviously plastered on the HOME persona so nothing has changed in his life. Mine however was dangerously spiralling out of control for a while there, I thought I was losing my mind, literally.

    So my advice, please get yourself out of it while you still can, don’t look back and don’t ever go there again!

  258. 258
    Anonymous Says:

    I need to ask some question to any “other woman” out there who would have the courage to respond honnestly: how can you believe the man you are having an affair with?

    I read so many stories (including within all the emails/texts/chats that my cheating husband wrote to his MULTIPLE mistresses) and these men seem to have gone to the same school…they say all the same things…my husband said so many lies about me to all these women and they believe him to the point where one of them criticized me for…abandonning him and our children for my career (mmm this one was a surprise to me because I thought I was waking up every morning sending every one to school fed, going to work all day, coming back and cooking dinner every evening for the whole family, sleeping in the same bed as him every night…I must have been living in an alternate reality…for 9 years)

    How can you be so sure what your wonderful married man is telling you is the thruth? Have you ever thought that maybe he was lying to you (too)? That he was using you for his own edification? How can you believe him when he says he is not having sex with his wife? That his life is miserable? That he is not understood? That the dog does not love him anymore? That he loves you and not “her”? That you are his soul mate? The love of his life?

    In my own story, only one of the 3 “current” OWs knows of my existence; they certainly do not know about each other (but I do); they certainly do not know he is still hunting (but I do); one thinks he is divorced (and abandonned); one tkinks he is separated (and miserable); the other one is the ex-girlfriend who has her cake (the man) and eats it too (without the commitment). He sends them pictures fo him that I take (with clothes on do not worry). He lies to ALL of them. He plays ALL of them. He tells different stories to all of them. This is a real circus. And if they were to write on this forum, they would probably write the same things that I read earlier: he is so lonely, he is in a loveless marriage, his wife does not like sex, she is a monster, she left him with the children, she is a controlling bitch, whatever the lie-du-jour is.

    The thruth is your married man makes his wife miserable; if he is in a loveless marriage it is because HE does not bring love anymore to the table; if his wife does not like sex, it is because she knows he sleeps with other women without protection (darn, should I warn them?); if his wife is a monster it is because she is exhausted and he could not care less because he is too busy entertaining all his mistresses; if his wife left him it is because…hugh wait a minute, I am still here, pass; if his wife is controlling it is because he simply suffers from paranoia brought by the fact that he his living quaruple lives and he may be a bit over is head sometimes juggling all these demanding women and, oh dear, a wife; as for the lie-du-jour, well today he is going to bring them all (separately) on a vacation in the Maldives. The thing is, it is the same resort, same date. I may come along.

    So many lies. Please enlighten me. Do you REALLY believe him?

  259. 259
    Anonymous Says:

    @258 as a man whose wife is having an affair, I understand completely. It is amazing the things I have heard her say. I find it amusing she is uncomfortable having me around at times. I don’t have as much inside information as you, but what I do have is somewhat partially true, and a bunch of it I don’t remember happening that way.

  260. 260
    Anonymous Says:

    @258 Of course they are soul mates and are made for each other. They are both so broken they believe what they are doing is right. They probably use the line that “the opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference”. Yet, in reality, most indifference is hard-heartedness. Of course, this explains why most affairs fail, and fail badly. Everyone thinks the grass is greener, but they are just weeds. Weeds the affair partners bring just because they are human, for all relationships have some kind of weeds. But the affair creates toxic weeds itself. Like you say, how can they trust each other. I believe the phrase is “left them like they found them”. And my guess is the affair partners aren’t all that good at dealing with weeds, or they wouldn’t cop out with an affair. Let’s face it: affairs are one of the ultimate ways to avoid problems.

  261. 261
    Anonymous Says:

    Well, how’s this for a situation…I never thought in a million years that I would have aaffair. I’m single and moved to a new town for a job..so to set thigs up, I’m sort of lonely – making my way to start a new life. One of my colleagues, who is 16 years younger (he’s 43, I’m 59) was flirting with me like crazy for close to a year. We were at a meeting out of town and he tried to seduce me. Anyway…now it’s 5 months and we’re getting together about once a week. We are together every day at work – working very closely- thinking up all sorts of reasons to meet and discuss things. Going for coffee… We are amazing together – intellectually, emotionally and sexually. I’m friends with his wife. He knows I’m looking to meet someone else. I don’t want anything but affection, our work, and great sex. I don’t want to mess up his family and he has no intention of ever leaving. So, we’re both in this with our eyes open. I love him – love who he is, how he is but know what the situation is. I guess I should feel really guilty, but I don’t…the only hard part is hiding the relationship. I know it won’t go on forever. But we’re both getting something we need for now. I’m sure whenever we stop having sex, we’ll continue to be lifelong friends. I don’t mean to defend our affair so much as to illustrate that there are situations other than the classic model.

  262. 262
    Anonymous Says:

    I’m with 258. Seriously….I’m the betrayed wife and I was such a good wife. He was the one who needed to lift his socks up. The rubbish these girls belive is embarrassing. A lot of people think men cheat cause there wives are bitches. Before it happened to me I use to be naive and think the same way. In a way I don’t blame the men for cheating. Women have just made it all way to easy for them. No one use to look at my ex before he married me. It’s almost like women desire taken/married men. I just wish they would change the law so tHe other women and cheater would have to pay the consequences. I got screwed over financially, left with a child, and watched the other women drive my old car and enjoy the profits of everything I worked for throughout my entire adult life for. So unfair. Also I can’t find a decent guy cause most men want younger women.. Lol I’m screwed…

  263. 263
    Anonymous Says:

    258 I feel your hurt. I too got screwed over by one of these threats “other women”. When my husband confessed to me, I was so discusted with his beaviour expecially when the penny dropped and relised why he was acting like he was on acid for a month under my nose, that I kicked him out and moved on with my life much to his shocked. The other women and him now live with each other but for a whole year I was personally attacked by the pair of them. They did the most cruelest things to me in the name of there immature emotions and guilt and the other women acted like I was the one intruding in her! realationship. I think one day she will be very embarrassed about what she did to me. I was gobsmacked when she was coming to court cases that were about our child and other things that were non of her business !!!??? She was willing to lie and say all sorts of things to defend his honour. I felt like I was divorcing my husband and a complete stranger? and they were taking all my money off my sons education! Since when did I ever select her entry into mine and my sons life???

    Looking back though, I really wished that there was some sort of compensation that I could have got as well as they both cost me so much money in court fees and I really didn t deserve to be drug through that hell, I really felt they dragged me in there emotional storm and none of it was my fault. I mean if you marry someone it should be a contract and if you stray or form “Another”Relationship under your wives nose, I really do feel that the law should compensate the innocent party more than the betrayer, and also to the intruder deliberatley threatening the family unit and marriage. The other women has no place to inject herself in a marriage she is not part off and feel she can reep in the profits of the divorce, I bet if the same thing was happening to her marriage or relationship she wouldn’t like it either. A lot of people on this post are very hell bent on beliving that the wife was to blame for troubles but this does not wash with me. it’s very typical of the other women to say this. My ex husbands other women would say this all the time. She’s so stupid cause all she was doing was making him think that he deserves to cheat, so really she was teaching him how to treat her. I am sure she wouldn’t feel the same way if he was cheating on her though. Double standards.

    To the other women out there, look I get it. You have issues and you obviously don’t resepect other peoples relationships and marriages and in a way, you don’t know what a healthy relationship is. You won’t get anything healthy sitting in the shadows of other womens marriages and wanting there husbands. I mean seriously, the guy is married, leave him alone and his family and stop threatening it. Like I said, you wouldn’t like a complete stranger trying to inject herself into your life without your concent so don’t do it to others. The guys who cheat are pricks but its not fair on the poor wife who is being betrayed by the pair of you. You are a stranger to her prepared to take away everything thats important to her. Again, reverse the role…

    I felt VERY backstabbed by both parties. My other women knew I exsisted and our son and she just pretended we didn’t. So rude, selfish something she will have to live with now. My son will have no respect for her. I aint going out of my way to talk her up.

    Also one more word of warning. When you have been betrayed, your emotions go haywire. I was tempted so many times to take him back, make sure he got rid of her so she would end up “Loosing” and then dumping him and leaving him alone too. Not all wifes happily want to let there husbands go so easily so expect backlash if he leaves or doesn’t leave. You will always have his ex in your life some way and taking a husband away and breaking up her family and taking everything you can get out of her will not be forgotten easily. Even when the wounds heel and time passes. A scorned wife will not wish you well. Bitter? Why the hell wouldn’t I be?…..Still to this day, I blame my husband for all of it. It was just unfortunate she was such a bad charactor but then again, what sort of person goes off with married men who cheat anyway. Hardly christian like really, from both parties. I don’t know why people get married anymore. Seems it doesn’t mean a hell of a lot to anyone. Also, 258 only immature little boys want much younger naive girls so they can manipulate them easier. The sort of guys you want to stay away from anyway. TRUST ME! LOL

  264. 264
    Anonymous Says:

    # 261, I don’t mean to blow your bubble but you ARE in a classic affair model: the man is married; he is having an affair with you; you have entered in this relationship knowing he was married; and you are still in it. Classic. End of story.

    You wrote some things that are quite interesting though and at times contradictory. You say you want nothing but affection, your work and great sex. But you love him and you are emotionally attached to him. Don’t fool yourself.

    So you are both in it with your eyes open. Wow. What about his wife? He knows, you know, she doesn’t. If both of you had the courage of your convictions, you would notify her and provide her with the ability to make choices for herself. So let her know and let her decide if she wants to be part of any this. At the least, she is entitled to be able to protect her health. Of course this is not without its own complications…

    You are friends with her? Aaaaaaaawwwwwwhhhh. Is this supposed to make you feel good about what you are doing to her? I thought you had no guilt over this?

    You have no intention of messing up her family? You have already did. You both did. Knowingly. With your eyes open.

  265. 265
    Anonymous Says:

    #264…261 here. You are right….It is an affair. I guess my thought is that I know it won’t go on forever – that it is senseless to tell his wife about it. I have no desire to take him away from her. And, you’re right, I do love him a bit – or I wouldn’t be sleeping with him. It’s so complicated and wrong…I know. Why am I doing it?? Not sure….but it feels right to be with him. I wish I had a single lover who made me feel the same……….I would happily give him up for that.

  266. 266
    Anonymous Says:

    @261. If you want a single man, stop doing what you are doing, and start looking for a single man. It may not be quick, it may not be easy, but it will be right, and, in the long run, easiest for everyone, including you.

  267. 267
    Anonymous Says:

    There is a common thread runing through all this. Affairs,lies, deceit hurts and destroys like nothing else. The sense of abandonment and self worthliness is beyond any words can explain. My partner of 10 yrs feels that the fact that we never married makes his affair almost acceptable/justified. The pain I feel is exactly as every other berayed person has expressed. My question is how do you overcome the pain, how do you carry on, how do you make sense of the betrayal ? I know that everyone says “time will heal” and you will meet someone else – but it is all hollow,empty, promises, when your pain is so deep. It would be so easy just to make it all go away – the temptation is always there. People say you et over it but i think you just learn to live with the disappointment. I would love to hear some success stories of how others survived and found joy again.

  268. 268
    Anonymous Says:

    I was the betrayed wife and the other women in my husbands life contributed to destroying my life and everything I worked for. How do you women live with yourselves knowing you are breaking homes marriages and effecting innocent children for life. The selfishness is beyond me. The pain this other women and my husband have caused me for the sake of being with each other is incredible. I hope they both end up with misery and pain and guilt forever. It’s amazing how the other women can see her married man causing so much pain on there spouse and accept that behaviour. I hope one day karma will catch up with you all.

  269. 269
    Anonymous Says:

    @268 As a betrayed husband, I understand what you are saying. I have come to the conclusion that an affair is like a tapeworm. It is a relationship unlikely to survive on its own. The betraying spouse uses the marriage as an excuse not to give all the affair partner. The affair partner probably can’t give the betraying spouse everything they need. They use lots of excuses about how they can’t be together, until.. (the children go to college, etc.) The reality is they won’t be together, but their relationship suck a lot of life out of the marriage, one that may have not been the best, but could have had a chance if the energy that had been put into the affair been put into the marriage.

  270. 270
    Anonymous Says:

    @ 268 me here 267 I am discusted that women of all do this to there husbands. They should be nurturing their children and being loving to their husbands not worrying about there sexuality. There is so many people in this world and it’s so hard to find someone you find a connection with let alone try and be greedy and have more more more at others expense. I truley belive that cheaters will be cheated on and it just goes around in circles. They have no integrity, empathy or care for others and that bad energy will come back to them, ten fold!

  271. 271
    Anonymous Says:

    I was the other woman for seven months. You can’t pick who you fall in love with. But I deserve more and I’ve read it and I’ve been told over and over that a man who can’t give you 100% isn’t worth it. I told him ages ago I didn’t share and I didn’t come second and it stopped for a few weeks but I couldn’t say no to him. They lie and they cheat and they manipulate.

    And its the stupidest thing, in one breath I say I love him, but in my head I know he’s not a nice person. Same as some of the comments above, it was a intellectual connection first – he’s educated, smart, witty, we had a *zing* that I had never felt with anyone before (I’m 41). And he was everything that I don’t normally look for – short, hairy and attached.

    If you’re sharing a man, you’re only living half a life. Like someone said back there, everything is perfect for him when he’s with you – short, stolen hours or days.

    There are a few change of tenses back there – I stopped it for the last time yesterday and I’m not sure if I’m talking in past tense anymore about him. I’m scared that I’m never going to feel the good stuff anymore.

  272. 272
    Anonymous Says:

    In this right now….never read the truth as i have just now..I am speechless..This is me you are talking about….Damn

  273. 273
    Anonymous Says:

    @272. Knowledge is power. Take advantage of it.

  274. 274
    Anonymous Says:

    To 267 been there done that. I know this won’t help you right now but all I can say Is in time you will not be in pain and you will relise that you are better off without him.dont rush into another relationship you will only repeat the same mistakes.

  275. 275
    Anonymous Says:

    #271 “If you’re sharing a man, you’re only living half a life”. You are so rigth. I am a betrayed wife of a serial cheater. Unknowingly, I too have been living half a life (well 1/4 since at this time he has as far as I know 3 OWs on the side). How interesting that they are the only ones living their life at 150% leaving their BS and the OP crumbs of an existence…

  276. 276
    Anonymous Says:

    I am an OW who wants to remain a secret. Do not want to marry the man, don’t want to replace the wife. The man is a serial cheater and I do wonder what goes on in his head and why his wife allows it. Want to point out that being hurt by betrayal is not exclusive to married people; unmarried people also experience that pain. If you are going to be an “other”, I think you need to have your own life, not try to make the wayward spouse part of your life, other than the stolen moments of joy you two share. It takes very mature people to have an adult affair that hurts no one but themselves. You have to be able to say (and accept) goodbye at any time. And use a condom and birth control.

    I do not understand why everyone pushes marriage at those who are not married. Marriage terrifies me. To not be able to get away from someone…to be bound forever to one unpleasant person…no matter how nasty that person can be to you….I’ve been a witness to the games married folks play with each other…..no thanks! I’ve peeked behind the curtain of a few unions, and no thanks! Familiarity definitely breeds contempt….or deadly boredom.

    This affair, to me, is like having a secret friend with whom I can have fun sex. No judgement, no possessiveness…and no nastiness.

    Do I get sad…?..sometimes…because I want someone who can stay with me overnight, who cares about me overall.…but I am not sure I want to pay the “marriage price” just to have that person. I have always had one foot out the door in my relationships with single men – could always see why a marriage with so-and-so would not work. Yes, I idealize this married man – he does have it all. I thoroughly understand why many women want him….and I think that was a price his wife was willing to pay.

    She’s not doing so bad…..I mean, think of Hillary Clinton. Do you think marriage to Mr. Faithful home-every-night guy would float her boat as much as being married to a rogue like Bill Clinton? My MM is a good husband, good father, I think he loves his home life and wife. He just needs….more. And that does not bother me….I am “extra” and it does not bother me!

  277. 277
    Anonymous Says:

    I’m trying to break off an affair with a man with a long time girlfriend. I broke it off before 2.5 years ago and went back to him a few months ago, thinking I could remain detached and unemotional this time around. I was lying to myself. He’s been so helpful this time around—got me through my 19 year old cat’s euthanasia and as a former accountant he handled a big tax problem for me–that I started falling for him again. I guess I had never stopped. I became blinded again by his “good” qualities. Why is it so hard to see that he is still a cheater and a liar? And that he won’t give me what I want and deserve to have? And why can’t I just leave him in the gutter when he doesn’t even try to make any excuses for not spending more time with me? All I got was a long pause on the phone tonight when I said I couldn’t accept the crumbs of a relationship anymore. And he just gets angry when I complain that he took 2 roadtrips in a month with her, spends every weekend at her house and all I get is a little late night sex and a Friday afternoon hike once every other month. Why can’t I get angry enough at that to just want to leave him in the dust? Where is my self respect?!! I’m too old for this. Can someone please help me see what an a**hole he is?

  278. 278
    Anonymous Says:

    “Deserve” – such a deceiving word. When people say it, it sounds like they are being caring, but they are really being dismissive or judgemental. When a guy says “You deserve a better man” the translation is “I will not give you what you want so you’d better look elsewhere”.

    Who gets what they “deserve” – nobody! You get what you go after.

    When you say about yourself “I deserve better” – the translation is “You owe me because I’ve been accepting of nothing”.

    But you are wrong. The cheater owes you NOTHING.

    Affairs are like eating at McDonald’s. If you willingly eat at McDonald’s day after month after year, you can’t suddenly say that McDonald’s owes you a full 7-course meal with all the trimmings. You want that gourmet meal? Then find yourself a gourmet restaurant. You want that gourmet guy? Then find yourself that gourmet guy.

    I am an OW who is willingly eating at McDonald’s…for now …..It satisfies me. When it ceases to satisfy…regardless of who wants out first….. I will look for that better meal.

  279. 279
    Anonymous Says:

    You’re so right. I was eating at McDonalds for 4 years, quit for 2.5 during which time I never even visited a gourmet restaurant and then, since I wasn’t getting any gourmet meals, started going back to McDonalds again. No more junk food!

    The problem I seem to have now though is that I can’t seem to sustain the anger I feel I need to have in order to get my brain and heart back in working order so I can function properly. I keep remembering the good things he did for me and the knowledge that he does care for me, even if it isn’t as much as he cares for her and that makes me so sad, anxious and depressed. I guess I’m going through hamburger and fries withdrawal.

  280. 280
    Anonymous Says:

    I forgot to add that I am wondering how long you have been eating at McDonalds and does it really not bother you at all? I thought it wasn’t bothering me for the first 2 months when we got back together. But after he managed to find the time in his “busy”, so he told me, schedule to take 2 road trips with her in a month without finding even a couple hours during the last week to be with me, I realized that the burger and fries wasn’t satisfying anymore.

  281. 281
    Anonymous Says:

    To answer your question, I am also an OW who went back to the MM. With a 13 year gap in between with virtually NO contact in those 13 years. He would send an occasional “Hi” e-mail, which I ignored.

    You have to understand that you are his McDonald’s. The girlfriend is his gourmet meal, and she gets the gourmet guy….the spare time, the planned vacations….the involvement.

    I know your pain. The first time around, on our first lunch together, before we began anything, my MM said “I am never leaving my wife”. I said “Good.” I am single and I’d never had an affair before – I was 36. I wanted a discreet involvement. But over time, I got attached. At first, I noticed I’d feel sad a couple of weeks after seeing him, then a couple of days after seeing him, then a couple of hours after seeing him, then…I’d start crying before he made it to his car. Mental anguish began to set in. I had a night when my car broke down and I knew I could not call him…I called anyway and hung up when he answered. I had one crazy lady-astronaut night when he stood me up, and I knew his in-laws were visiting and they were having the family get-together, and I actually thought about throwing a brick through his house front window. I had to talk myself down….and it was hard! I called him…and again hung up when he answered. I have a few other stories, but the point is I knew I had entered the Unhealthy-Zone. That’s when I called it quits.

    When you start wanting “more” from the cheater, it is time to let go. You have to be right in your own head. The McDonald’s relationship should never be seen as a primary relationship. If it is your only emotional relationship, you have to understand it’s low nutritional value.
    In the 13-year break, I never found the gourmet guy either. And I don’t know anyone who has the “100% there” relationship that people keep telling us we should look for. This second time around, I initiated contact with MM. As a matter of fact, after a very unsatisfying evening out with a single guy, I made a decision to see if MM was still interested. It’s been a year so far for this second go-round. I keep a calendar and we are seeing each other about twice a month.

    I hope this helps you. An affair has to be an “expectation-free” zone. That does not mean you allow him to treat you like crap. He has to be good company. But he does not owe you a full relationship. Your anger at him is not warranted…at least…I don’t think it is.

    Instead of thinking “I’ve got to get so angry that I dump him”, I think you have to decide “This is not what I want and it will never be what I want”. No amount of anger from you will change him.

    For me, this is what I want I don’t like dating. I am happy with occasional fun visits and conversation. I do not pine when he is gone. I do get really excited when his e-mail pops up. I accept that I likely am not the only OW in his life…..can’t say I am eager to see him out with someone else, but I have no illusions about his appetites.

    He just came back from a family vacation, and I do feel a slight pulling away. I am sad, but that’s what can happen. Maybe because I am older, I don’t have as much angst about this as you might feel in the same situation.

    Also, a little game playing works with men like this. They still have a bit of the high-school mindset with them. They want to be wanted AND they want to be missed. You gotta recognize which game to play, and when.

    Right now, everything you are doing is pushing him away. Stop asking for more time. Break a date. If you feel hurt, then when he calls, be unexcited. Get yourself busy. No money? Rearrange your furniture. Clean behind things you haven’t moved in years. De-clutter. Start reading again. I renewed my interest in swimming and I think it helps. It’s better when you make the affair a small pocket of your life, not your whole life. Make yourself happy with the thought that there is a man you REALLY like with whom you have a good time ….a lot of married women can’t say that.

  282. 282
    Anonymous Says:

    “Maybe because I am older, I don’t have as much angst about this as you might feel in the same situation.”

    Light bulb moment! Thank you. I know I am older than you are and you just made me realize that I don’t want to continue to act like a twenty something whiner. Apologies to all the 20 somethings who may be reading this. You have a right to your growing pains. I don’t anymore. I’m way too old for this kind of crap. I think I just woke up and want off this hamster wheel. I got too excited by the thrill of the chase, the secret and the letting a guy make me feel so good for the moment. I’m back in reality!

  283. 283
    Anonymous Says:

    To 282 your so right. Young women who sleep around with married men need to grow up. When you do finally grow up you will relise that you were no, yowere toying with people’s innocent lives (wife and kids involved) then when you get married and have children and relise how hard it is to build a life with someone you might finally understand how hurtful it would be if some obsessed young girl was throwing her body and no strings attached mentality at your husband.

  284. 284
    Anonymous Says:

    In my case, my man is/was my addiction, no different from alcohol, drugs, food or whatever we happen to use to make ourselves feel better temporarily. I got high off of his desire for me, even though it never seemed to last long, since he always had to go back to his girlfriend. But it was enough to keep me wanting more. And the fact that he was unavailable and that we were doing something we had to keep a secret made it all the more exciting. I would physically go into withdrawal when I didn’t hear from him by the time I thought I should have or if I said something to him to anger him and thought he wouldn’t want to ever see me again.

    It was really sick. I was really sick. If this rings true for any of you, you’ve got to look at yourself and see what you’re doing to yourself and your life. 2.5 years ago when I was trying to leave him then, 3 things helped me immensely. First, I saw a therapist who herself was a very strong woman and she didn’t pull any punches with me. She also turned me onto Sugarland’s song “Stay” which was popular at the time. I listened to that song over and over, gaining strength from it. Then I also read the book “He’s Just Not That Into You” and it resonated so much with my situation. As a result, I was able to leave the guy, for 2.5 years anyhow. Then I fell off the wagon for 5 months. It happens with addictions. But now I’m back on and hope to stay here for good.

    I wish the best for those of you who are in my situation and want also to get off that hamster wheel.

  285. 285
    Anonymous Says:

    Light-bulb moment for me too. Why in 13 years did I find no one? Because I don’t want to be in a real less-than-perfect relationship. I just realized that. Being a OW is ideal for someone who does not want a less-than-perfect relationship. We tell ourselves we want someone of our own, but, No, we really don’t. We don’t want anyone who is less than our ideal – looks-wise, personality-wise, whatever-wise. I feel exactly as you and many OW on this site – the MM we are involved with connects with us emotionally, physically (always physically) and intellectually, like no man has ever done before! How can that be so true for all of us?

    Because we want fantasy relationships. Like fantasy football, we pull only the best from these MM, which is easy to do with short visits. We never see what day-to-day is like with these men. Real boyfriends will always pale in comparison.

    In my case, I’d never have the confidence to be with this man if he were single. He’s a physically beautiful man…I’d be insecure about him. I’ve never dated anyone as attractive on several levels as my MM – looks/intelligence/personality/sexually satisfying. I’ve had a couple of cute guys, but they were bad lovers. I’ve had OK-looking, good-lover, but dull. I’ve had interesting, fair-lover, but not attractive. I’ve had good-lover and nothing else tantalizing – surprisingly this is the most unsatisfying partner.

    I am flattered by MM’s sexual attention. To quote “Pretty Woman” – I’m not trying to land him, I’m just using him for sex. When we got back after the 13 years, things weren’t working down south for him all that well. I was accepting of him, and had fun regardless of him not responding like a young man…and it paid off sexually. He needed someone who really liked him and liked sex. I needed the same thing. It puzzles me that so many women AND men think OW should be upset that he only wants you for sex. When sex is coupled with mutual like, that ain’t so bad. We have a good time, he goes back home. I live my life. I do wonder why he can’t communicate his sexual needs to his wife…

    I concede there are OW who want to (LOVE TO) take the MM from their wives/children/home life.

  286. 286
    Anonymous Says:

    267 here again – update – 5 months have passed since my traumatic breakup. Yes time has passed – but the healing is something that cannot be rushed. I find I can breathe easier, and
    and generally am learning to cope. But the wounds and memories are always there, just waiting to break free and wreck what ever peace I am holding onto. I have moments of quiet resolution and try with every bit of courage I can to regain purpose and joy again. My reason for posting is to just give anyone who find themselves in the early stages of grief caused by deceit that there is healing. Slowly, slowly, little baby-steps. Do nothing that will harm you or delay the healing. The hurts are bad enough to endure,do not add to them by acting out of anger and revenge which only leaves one feeling more pain. God bless you all. And to the betrayers/deceivers, may you come to realise what lasting damage you cause and may you never have to endure the pain yourself that you so selfishly inflict.

  287. 287
    Anonymous Says:

    One of my husband mistresses (note the plural form) does not know he is married. I discovered the A not long ago. Their relationship is a long distance one (she is in OZ), they have been together twice in 6 years (otherwise they are sexting/calling everyday). I went through pages and pages of mails and chats and she genuinely does not know I exist. And my husband does not know I know (complicated situation). Should I tell her? How should I tell her? He will certainly never tell her – and will not stop the A. As weird as it seems, I have some empathy for her because he is cheating her too and I feel bad for her – I know she will go through the same hellish d-day as I did…Ok my empathy for her stops here, he is still MY husband and I do not want her in my M. Advice please…Any OW found herself in this situation on this board?

  288. 288
    Anonymous Says:

    I can’t belive you intruders in marriages and familys want sympathy….

  289. 289
    Anonymous Says:

    @288 I suspect they don’t want sympathy, I think they want some one to tell them it will work out, that their lover will leave their wife or husband, and kids, and they will run off into the sunset together. The odds of it happening are probably less than 10 percent, and the odds of of the sunset lasting, maybe 20-25 percent. If they really accepted that, they wouldn’t be able to live with themselves, so they buy the lie that it is all for love, the marriage was over anyway, etc. Some one once said if they are lieing to you, they are probably lieing to themselves. So sympathy is not what they want, they want some one to tell them the lie is the truth. But, in some ways, don’t we all want that.

  290. 290
    Anonymous Says:

    #287 here. Agree with you #289. Although I talked about empathy, not sympathy. I have aboslutely no enpathy for anyone involved with my husband. Hoawever, I would have liked to hear about OW who found themselves in the situation where their lover told them he was single/divorced/widowed/whatever [i.e wife is not around when they actually LIVE WITH HER] and they believed him and later on [years later] discovered he was actually married.

  291. 291
    Anonymous Says:

    #287/290 here again to correct a typo as I meant to write …”absolutely no sympathy…”. Cheers.

  292. 292
    Anonymous Says:

    I wonder how you young girls would feel if you were married with children and some young naive girl who didn’t really know your husband from a bar of soap besides all the lies he tells you was hitting on your husband and offering him a no strings attached (till she gets obsessed) relationship?

  293. 293
    Anonymous Says:

    only too true 292. Not so funny when you are on the receiving end of deceit and lies. As the saying goes the Grass is always “Greener over the Sewerage Tank. “

  294. 294
    Anonymous Says:

    Wow…so many others and yet everyone is slightly different…I am the OW…at the time I met my MM i was also married and was unhappy in my marriage for sometime…this affair has been going on for about 1 1/2 years…both the MM and I intended on hooking up only for sex and nothing more…we both were lacking in that area of our marriage..and i have to say the sex is so amazing…sorry im all over the place here…after two months of beginning this affair I left my husband…dont get all confused and think i left my husband to be with my lover…i didnt…like i mentioned earlier i was unhappy in my marriage and thought it only fair to let my husband go so that he could find a woman who would love him better than i…after i left my husband i continued to see the MM…we have seen each other through many things in the short amount of time together…i have tried to break it off with him several times and he has made a couple attempts as well but we have been unsuccessful…this last attempt has really made me think about what the hell this all about….he has no children so im unclear as to why he just doesnt leave her since he is so utterly miserable…and i dont want him to leave for me i want him to do it for his own reasons but if he doesnt want to leave and he does love her than i feel i am getting in the way of him resolving his marital issues and if i am to be a true and loving friend i need to let him go so that he can try to find some form of happiness in his marriage…as long as im around he will avoid dealing with it….so i guess it is time for me to quit being so selfish and let him go…also note im feeling some guilt towards the wife…im sure she isnt as awful as he makes her out to be…she is a human with real day to day issues and an unfaithful husband…makes me sad

  295. 295
    Anonymous Says:

    @294. Who says he is miserable? I am guessing he is the one that says it. If he told you he was happy, would you have gone along with this? Sometime, people have affairs because they can. Of course people will say they had a bad marriage before they started the affair. Its like asking people if they are racists. Consider the possibility you have been had. I doubt he is being honest with his wife; why do you think he is honest with you? I would say run, and run far.

  296. 296
    Anonymous Says:

    I am the OM in a relationship I just ended with a MW. I have known her for a little over a year and we’ve been intimate for the past 6 months. I have become obsessed with her, waiting on phone calls, texts, emails, etc. TOday I decided to end it because I simply can’t go on having only half of her. I am so in love with her that I have no idea how I will ever ever get over this. I want to get angry. I want to lash out at her. I want revenge. I want to tell her husband so that she will be as miserable as I am, but I know that it is best not to react this way. I can not see the pain getting better from this, but I do not ask for sympathy as I deserve none because I got myself into this. I met her 2 days before I began chemotherapy for cancer and she (as much as she could be) was by me every step of the way. Once I finished treatment the relationship became intimate and I fell head over heels. She will never commit to leaving her husband (not until her son leaves for college, they are in business together, etc. etc). Thus, I have finally come to the conclusion that she will never ever leave her husb. no matter what. I have asked numerous times and she always side steps the question and is non committal. I have no idea how I will live without her as I have never loved ANYONE like I love her. Again, I dont look for sympathy but just asking anyone: Does the pain end?

  297. 297
    Anonymous Says:

    to 296 – You know, whn you are in the middle of a heart-break- you feel that nothing will ever be the ame again and the worst thing you want to hear is ” time heals”. I could just throttle anyone who said to me “just give it time”. It has been 7 months from my break-up and I can say that with time you learn to live with what you have been dealt with. and the pain and memories get watered down somewhat, they are always there, just lurking beneath the surface but they do not hve the same power to so destroy you as before. I never ever thought I would find a reason to smile again. So yes this is a long painful walk, and slowly we learn to adapt. Go well all you hurting people, my prayers and love go before you. And to all you deceivers – well as the saying goes ” The Grass is always greener under the sewerage tank !!

  298. 298
    Anonymous Says:

    When I read 296 I remember why single men scare me. I never trust them to hold my secrets or care about me more than they care about themselves. I am a very happy long-term OW. My MM has not ever done any thing to “get back at me”…maybe because he has a lot to lose if he got vindictive…or, more likely, maybe because he is more level-headed than 296. My MM and I lead separate lives and I do not want to replace his wife. I’m not into drama.

  299. 299
    Anonymous Says:

    Yeah right all I’m hearing is “when I grow up I want to be with someone elses husband and have someone else’s child and cause heartbreak misery and broken homes cause I’m to lazy and impatient to get a decent available partner” we all want to loved ladies. Even the wife wants her husband to love her to as she deserves after all, she’s the one who put the hard yards into her marriage Till you come along and make it easy for him to cheat. Shame on you all.

  300. 300
    Anonymous Says:

    to 298 – What can I say – even with all your justification and there always is justification before the sin –

    You are the sewerage Tank

  301. 301
    Anonymous Says:

    Well, I have been an unwitting OW twice. The first time, I was 24, he was 37 and he was more Not Divorced than Married. She lived in a different state. After dating me for 2 months, the man said he need to have a heart-to-heart, and that’s when he told me he was married. I had no clue before-hand. But it never interfered with our relationship. And since marriage has never been my goal, it did not prove to be an issue for us. We broke up after 4 years because of other issues.

    The second time the man I was dating and screwing lied and said he was “helping out” an old girlfriend by letting her stay at his home until the end of the month. I called on the first day of the next month; she answered, I asked for him, she gave him the phone, and he acted as if I were so long-ago college friend who *happened* to call. That was my first inkling. I never really liked the character of that man and inside I always felt he was an opportunistic slimeball. So, on the day I broke up with him, I called his house right after he left my place, asked for him, she said he was out, I told her I knew he wasn’t there because he just left me. I said I don’t want him, but do you know what a creep you have? She said “How long have you been seeing my husband?”. Husband! I shouted. You are MARRIED? God he is such a LIAR! He later called and screamed at me for trying to upset his “home life”. Un-effin-believable. We had a shouting match and that was the end of that.

    Now, decades later, I am a willing OW with a man I knew was married before we began anything. Like the others here who try to show we are still good people, he pursued me for a year. But I could see what he wanted, and I am attracted enough and lonely enough to give in. I think he is an exceptional man, but YES, he is a cheat….a serial cheater. He would not be sexually faithful to any woman….don’t know what it is that drives him to cheat. He loves his wife, never speaks ill of her….actually he refrains from talking about her at all. He will tell stories about his children/grandchildren, but he never mentions his wife. We live in a fantasy bubble where, for the couple of hours we are together, there are no other people but us. I accept that I probably care for him more deeply than he cares for me…but he does brighten up my life and I like it. Maybe it’s like that line in the “Shawshank Redemption” – some birds just aren’t meant to be caged.

  302. 302
    Anonymous Says:

    My H had an affair 7 years ago and it caused deep lasting pain. From what he said and what Ive come to learn of affairs, Im sure he showed her some wonderful traits but conveniently left out some of the crap I have dealt with on a daily basis for years. She was “getting back at” her fiance for cheating and brought my family into her drama – selfish wench. He broke up with her when I found out. I hope that she thinks of him as her great lost love for the rest of her life and it makes her miserable

  303. 303
    Anonymous Says:

    I am the wife.. of 30+ years. OW is an internet lot lizard who trolls looking for men to talk to, eventually getting her hooks into what was mine. Were we having trouble? No. We had gotten stale. But you know what.. I started playing a virtual chess match with this other women. Her moves got to be so easy to read. She was pursuing him, and for every move she made, I made a calculated move to block her. All it took was for me to tell him what he wanted to hear once again, because I’ll be damned if some two-bit floozy was going to take what I had worked 30+ years for. Long story short.. I win.

    I will quote #302 above with the same sentence.. “He broke up with her when I found out. I hope that she thinks of him as her great lost love for the rest of her life and it makes her miserable!!” Do I deserve better? Yep.. but I know this.. you wanted what was mine, but some of us can be just as deceiving, conniving and as big a b*tch as you are. Checkmate.

  304. 304
    Anonymous Says:

    You ladies need to know that the reason you can’t keep nor find a single available man your own age is that normal men run a mile when they meet you. OW are generally mentally unstable, insecure, irrational and obsessed. Not appealing for a good catch but very easilly appealing for a slimmy cheating married man. Think about it ladies…

  305. 305
    Anonymous Says:

    After reading all of these stories, I am overcome with sadness. To those who judge people involved in affairs you are so wrong. Affairs do happen sometimes at the lowest point in your life and you have NO CONTROL. At all times you realise it is wrong and are ridden with guilt. The other woman/other man can be a respectable person but appears to get all the blame. In my opinion the married man does all the manipulation by phone, stalking and just not giving up on their prey. I am a single person and have had an affair for 18 years and have just ended it. I never once asked him to leave his wife. I am respectable, have morals, I had a strict upbringing yet I did the worst thing. I would tell him think of your wife, your children, you stepdaughter. The OW is not what you think and sometimes she is just as good as the wife. When you fall in love and you fall in love deep, sometimes you just cannot get out of the trap you are in and the years roll on. Yes I wanted to be married, with 2.5 kids and the white picket fence but fate had other plans for me. I can only describe it as being under a spell and sucked in a vaccum. Reality hit when his wife separated from him for 5 months and then returned to him. Of course he turned to me for support and then took her in as soon as she came back in fear of losing his business and money. That did it for me and it is now 2 weeks of no contact. I am in so much pain and struggling every day. I have been such a fool but have woken up from my nightmare. How could I have been so naive and pathetic when I am strong in other areas? I needed love and he came along. I was led by the devil and the devil was him.

  306. 306
    Anonymous Says:

    What if the MM’s wife is also having an affair herself? Despite ongoing marriage counseling, they both were involved in affairs.
    The MM I had been involved with in an on-again-off-again relationship for two years discovered this.
    Anyone have any experience with this?

  307. 307
    Anonymous Says:

    On ending the relationship:
    Yes, it is very painful, I know.
    An affair can be no more than what it is. It reaches its capacity, then plays itself out as it is – an affair with an unavailable MM that will not last. Prepare yourself for this.

    A true test of love is the ability to let the beloved go, to let him get back to his life, to do what he must do.
    His home life and family is were his priority, strength and happiness lay. He needs these things much more than he ever needed me. There is security in marriage, even if it is an unhappy one.

    As for letting go – I look at the glass as being half full. I look back at the good times we shared, the characteristics I admired about him, the beautiful moments. These memories I will always treasure. Just because the relationship is over does not mean that I must stop loving him. He will always have a special place in my heart.

    Find some comfort in doing the right thing for everyone: ending it.

    Letting go is one of the hardest things that must be done in life.

  308. 308
    Anonymous Says:

    to #305 there is no such thing as NO CONTROL…you always had the choice of going along and participate in the betrayal of a spouse or walk away and find your own happiness. I have been involved unknowingly with a MM when I was younger. Dated him for almost a year before I learned from a friend that he was married and his wife was pregnant. He was working for an airline company and was going back and forth between her and I very conveniently. The minute I learned he was married, that was it. He called me that evening like nothing was going on. I just told him to stay with his wife, that she was pregnant and that he was dispicable to do this to her. I hung up and never looked back. Guess what, he called back months later when the baby was born to ask me if I would babysit (yeah, I did not fall for this one…). I just told him that he had a family and to stay away from me. What a disgusting person!

    See, I am respectable and I have morals too. It is all about being what you say you are. It is possible, and you have the control. It is all about the choices you make. I have decided to end things the minute I learned of his married status. You just decided to go along for 18 years. Was I in love? Yes. Did I cry? Yes. Did it hurt? Yes. I sucked it up and walked away.

    I have now been in the shoes of the betrayed spouse twice. My first marriage ended when my then-husband finally left me and his 3 children for a woman who ditched him less than 1 month later. He had had a 15-year affair with her…I just discoverd that my stbx husband has had multiple LTA for (again) the entirety of our relationship. This time, I leave. They can have him (if you are interested, he will be available soon…). OW are EXACTLY what I think they are.

  309. 309
    Anonymous Says:

    My feeling is most MM who cheat want it all – a married home-life and a no-strings-attached affair. I don’t see any acknowledgement of that on this blog. The MM doesn’t want to choose –he wants BOTH. So why are we so upset that they want both? It our EGOS. How dare he want someone in addition to ME. How dare he let me be nice to him and then let her be nice to him too. If you take away the morality-stumpers here, it’s mostly about ego. To you morality stumpers – you fervently believe in God, so, if it’s wrong in God’s eyes then let God do the punishing. It’s not YOUR job.

    My experience with MM say they leave clues about cheating when they want to get caught. They want a reaction from the spouse – either jealousy (spouse still loves me) or divorce (finally I am free). If a man respects his marriage and really wants to keep an affair going, he is very careful about NOT leaving clues. Again – marriage and affair are not mutually exclusive to the man who wants both.

    The whys of an affair…well..that requires case-by-case analysis. I think it is linked to how fulfilled one feels as an individual. Marriage is often not fulfilling. There are lots of duties, chores, obligations, responsibilities….but not a lot of fulfillment. We’ve start to live “for the children” – because you will be congratulated for being so noble. But inside, you are dying.

    And these entries seem focused on the MM who cheat. As my father says, they aren’t all cheating with the same woman, are they? Women cheat too. So….how about some venom for the cheating OM. Why is all the hate directed to OWs?

  310. 310
    Anonymous Says:

    # 309, you are welcome to visit other aras of this site, this one addresses specifically the OW’s perpective. And I think wihtout making any mistake, this is the one site that explains so precisely what goes on during an affair from everyone involve’s perspective. Did not find anything like this anywhere on the Internet. Look on the left end side and choose your topic…

    . Have you heard about the sanctity of marriage and have you pronounced vows? I take mine seriously. and I expected my wayward husband to do the same. He married willingly (I did not have a gun to his head…) and he cheated on me willingly. I did not sign for an open marriage, and as far as I remember, the OW was not at the altar with us.

    Again, you ask the wrong question. It should be more along the line of “how can he betray the trust of his wife, abandon his children emotionally and provide time and affection to another person?” It has nothing to do with me letting someone else be “nice” to my husband and everything to do with me defending furiously what I have been building for the last 15 years…

    Marriage is by definition an exclusive relationship. There is no space for a third or a fourth person. So yes marriage and affairs are mutually exclusive. If a man respects his marriage, he will work on it, he will work on making his wife and children his priority, make her happy, make them happy, he will make the effort to love her (yes that takes efforts and work to develop a mature relationship). If he respects his marriage and is truely not happy, he will take ownership of his own unhapiness and walk away properly. Divorce then move on. Affairs are not a solution for one’s own unhapiness.

    This is LIFE!!!!! Are you living in a bubble? What is fulfillment for you? Are some people, by some unknown birth rights, eligible to a life of irresponsibility and eternal hapiness? This in my view is a very childish approach to life. And a very poor reason for cheating. And yes, when you have children, you have to live for them!!! This is the sacred contract you made to them when you brought them into this world (or adopted them)! It has nothing to do with what other people think and everything to do with how much you love them…

    Obviously you would need to have been in the betrayed spouse to understand that very little would have any type of sympathy for the OW/OM who contributes/ed to destoy their lives. Venom? You have not seen venom…I have not seen much here anyway…overall the discourse remain pretty civil. But why would it bother you anyway? Your spend a lot of energy in your post justifying affairs. Not every one would agree with you.

  311. 311
    Anonymous Says:

    Because the ow make it all perfect for them to cheat. Bet if your husband was having an easy affair on the side cause the other women made it that way you would be pretty peed off at the other women intruding on your turf too.

  312. 312
    Anonymous Says:

    I’m the betrayed spouse trying to find answers to why these women would go after another women’s man? Is it a power trip? Do you think it’s a competition? Even if you do end up with them it’s usually cause the wife won’t forgive or he can’t seem to get rid of you which in each case, you lose? It’s seriously such a dangerous game ladies. People get killed over what your doing. All people live for is family and having there own and you are destroying it? Please stop what your doing before you live to regret the day you laid eyes on your married man as it will definitely cause you long term pain, whether you end up with him or not. Especially when children are concerned. Noone will ever except you and the children will always despise you. You will always come second fiddle to them and you will always be seen as the villan. Always… A lot to take on.

  313. 313
    Anonymous Says:

    #309,

    I hear your anger, pain, frustration, indignation – all rightfully so. Thank you for explaining your side of the issue. I do not know what I would do if I were in your shoes. It seems like a loose-loose situation: stay in your marriage knowing your husband is unfaithful or seek a divorce. You have a hard road to travel.

    I have been the OW, the A having ended about two months ago. I have been single for many years, having been married twice before. I other wise do not want to be in a relationship with a man, having sworn them off years ago. I do not date.

    What I did was wrong and I felt a lot of guilt. He struggled with much more guilt than I did. I have no excuse for consciously choosing to enter into this relationship, and I will not try to justify it. Never in my life have I chosen to do something that would cause another person such injury.
    I consider myself to be a conscious person who seeks to be morally correct, aware of other people’s boundaries, and know what is ethically right. This relationship with a MM was truly an anomaly for me.

    It is true that affairs become addictions. I experienced the most powerful feeling I have ever felt in my 50+ years and, despite very strong self control, I found myself sliding towards this relationship despite all my best efforts to prevent it. He did to. It was not an “easy” relationship – we were both filled with a great deal of inner conflict with our consciouses.

    I did not understand these power feelings of mutual attraction and why I seemed unable to resist them. It was like I was drugged or something. I did not enjoy it for the “thrill” or “high” feeling. Only a extremely powerful attraction, like being in an hypnotic state.

    However, friendship was the focus of this relationship.

    His wife wanted a divorce. He did not want to divorce, though he was considering it when we met. I encouraged this MM to stay in the marriage for the kids sake. I never fooled myself into thinking that there would be a future with him. I never tried to hold him down and supported whatever decision he would ultimately make.

    I wish I had found this blog much sooner. Seeing it as an addiction (I do not have an addictive personality), I entered into the relationship naively and needed to be educated about the powerful dynamics of an A. I would have needed the support of other women caught in the same situation to help me understand what was happening and how to stop it.

    Am I sorry it happened? Yes and no. I loathed him having to be dishonest with his wife and family. I did choose to harm someone and I take ownership if this fact. (His wife did not know of the relationship.) However, I had some wonderful experiences with him which I other wise would never have enjoyed. Perhaps this is selfish of me.

    For you, being the wife, I can only hope that you would be willing to forgive and understand that as humans we do not always do what we know to be the best thing. We do make bad choices.

    Then we learn from them.
    WF

  314. 314
    Anonymous Says:

    #313, #310 here. I have to thank you sincerely for your post and for being so honest. I to wish I had found this site earlier to be able to understand the dynamics of affairs. I now understand that my husband’s multiple, long-term and short term affairs are a symptom of his personnal issues and that until he turns to me for help and support, he will continue down the path he has chosen. I can forgive. I cannot forget. just for the simple fact that he has put my health in serious risk for all these years I cannot forget.

    It is not just a matter of divorcing, not divorcing…Kicking my husband to the kerb, despite being a very entertaining fantasy is not as easy done as it is said. What an OW often forget – or refuse to understand – is that as a wife I was as much in love with my husband as she think she is/was. After all, I married him because we were in love. Even more, I have developed deep affection and emotional attachment to my husband over the years as we went through the ups and downs of life and (I thought) our inital romanticized love developed into something more mature. I was a very good and attentive partner. I loved my husband more than anything in the world. I was there for him all these years. I have read over and over again how difficult it is for an OW to leave a MM, I have read about their hurt, the physical pain, the sensation that the world is collapsing…Well I feel the same, exactly the same. My world has been shattered for ever. Something has been broken that cannot be repaired. My life has been changed forever. And I am supposed to just walk away? Walk away from my dreams, my house, my future, my family without a second tought? When the anger is gone, all that is left is sorrow, hurt and emptiness.

  315. 315
    Anonymous Says:

    9 months ago my 10 yr relationship ended because of deceit and betrayal. It has been the most devasting experience ever. Many times I felt that I would never survive and even prayed for death, the pain was so real. For 8 months I stayed away from people and places, I was in too much turmoil to mix with others, my pain and anguish was all consumming. Eventually I started living again and 2 months ago I met a man who was visiting from another country and we began a friendship, mostly stemming from the pain he saw me in. We shared alot and he was very truthful about who and what he was/is. i.e. married. condensed version – This short liason helped to take me from a place of darkness into one where i could believe again, in my self and somehow I healed. I knowingly entered into this relationship knowing that he was MM and also that within a month he would be gone. Do I feel good about it. NO – do I feel remorse and guilt – YES in huge doses. Would i do it again -definately not – it is counterfeit. BUT it did heal me and I find myself wanting to get on with life again. I will never forget the past month and how it redeemed me. But the guilt is great. A huge part of my justification was that I would never see this man again. Life is strange and at times desperation and pain can make one reach out and grasp anything that will numb the pain you’re in. I was always one that had no regard for anyone that enters into affairs and I did just that. All I can say for myself is I am not proud of what I did, Iunderstand the dynamics and what it did for me and I pray that I can only learn from here and learn to forgive myself. I do know that i will always be grateful for what the past month meant to me and helped me overcome.

  316. 316
    Anonymous Says:

    #315,
    Having been in a relationship with a MM, I would like to share my observations with you about your situation:

    It seems that you are giving yourself permission to enter into relationships with MM.
    Could it be that getting involved with this second MM was a rebound relationship from the first A with a MM?
    You are making justifications for entering into this second A.

    I do not mean to sound judgmental. It is just that you are not learning from these poor choices and will then keep entering into these unfulfilling, dead end relationships. This is sad because you are worth more than this and deserve better.

    I hope that one day you will find why you enter into A and then be able to find the happiness with a special man that man which you seek.

  317. 317
    Anonymous Says:

    Thank you for response. My first relationship (10 yrs) was not with a MM. and Yes getting involved with this man was probably for revenge/rebound reasons on some level. I too pray that one day I will find that special relationship. My reason for posting was that from great pain one can make very wrong decisions based on the loneliness, heartache and desperation you feel. Wrong as it is, I now see how easily in can happen. The secret is to be aware of these pitfalls and to learn from experience. I have.

  318. 318
    Anonymous Says:

    309 here. Hey 310. Title of this area is “other woman (other men)” so I will split hairs with you to say I am in the right place. My view is that many men compartmentalize, and are able to separate the affair from the marriage quite easily…… and they want both. And if the man is contributing to the marriage in all the ways a wife wants, but he is also stepping out on the side, I think it is the wronged spouse’s ego that is most hurt. When roles are reversed, and the woman is cheating, men are often moved to violence…because their EGOS are hurt. If we look at all the justified feeling words…..Betrayed/Fooled/Embarrassed/Angered…….it is the ego that is reacting. How could he/she do that to ME. Yes, it hurts. I have front-row seats to that pain.

    My view is expect the best from a person, but prepare for the worst. Meaning….. watch your money, make sure you can survive without him/her. Keep the fun in the marriage…but that takes two willing participants. Marriage is challenging, but too much blame is put on the OW/OM. If no one ever commits adultery again, there will STILL be many very empty marriages.

  319. 319
    Anonymous Says:

    To the last comment, so get out if it’s empty and crap. Noone deserves to be drug through hell first. It’s cruel.

  320. 320
    Anonymous Says:

    I discovered this site last night while looking for something to help me in my losing battle to cope with the devastation and despair I have experienced and continue to experience as a result of my allowing myself to become involved with a MW six year ago. I have just learned that I will be served with a citation for violation of a temporary stalking order, the result of an e-mail I sent to her now ex- husband asking him to forgive me for the affair.

    It started when a younger attractive woman that worked on the same floor in my office building began flirting with me when she passed me coming and going on the elevator, escalator and hallways. Eventually I struck up a conversation and learned that she had children but no mention of a husband. Finally after several months I called her and asked her out. She told me she was married. Then she asked me what my ‘story’ was. A short while later she came over to my office suite and asked for me, proceeding to apologize for flirting with me. Within a very short time she began to pursue me. I had been single and completely alone for over eight years and most of the 21 years (now 27) since my wife had an affair and divorced me for my 30th birthday (my two daughters 3 and infant) when our divorce was final.

    I made the mistake of thinking I could be friends, but when she very quickly told me she was falling in love with me, I found myself feeling the same. Though I encouraged her to work out the issues in her marriage at the beginning, I ultimately bought into her declarations that her marriage was a mistake of youth (she was 22 when she married), they were more like roommates than spouses, she had never loved him and he did not show her any love. Basically the only thing the had in common was their two children. I rationalized that her children would be better off as children of divorce (my daughters have turned out pretty well) than living in the midst of their parents loveless marriage.

    So I fell for her and pretty much made her my life. My business went in the toilet, my self-esteem plummeted and I put all my hopes for my future and for happiness in the hopes of marrying her. She used her Christian faith and her children as the only reasons she was still married. Although we ‘broke up’ dozens of times over the course of the five years, she would always come back to me telling me how much she missed me and loved me. Every year during the holidays she would ‘break up’ with me and then send me e-mails or call me on Thanksgiving and/or Christmas to tell me she loved me. In December of 2010 we ‘broke up’ again, right on schedule. On Christmas Day she sent me an e-mail wishing me a Happy Children’s Day. The email began with my name followed by “love” and ended with “I Love You”. She had a way of feeding me morsels of hope such of telling me how her therapist had given her a referral to a divorce lawyer and in October of 2010 confided to me that she had told her therapist that when she was with me she felt “loved, loving and joy”. The affair was a constant roller coaster ride of emotions for me, constantly going from the happiness of the closest intimate relationship I had ever had to utter despair and devastation.

    By mid January of 2011 she told me she was done with me and that she would no longer acknowledge my presence, demanding that I cease any and all communication with her. This was to include those times when I saw her in the hallway or elevator where she had begun the flirtations that led to the affair. I did not handle this particularly well and ended up threatening to tell her husband about the affair. She proceeded to tell me with tears in her eyes that she had told her husband about the affair and that I had ‘buried’ her . In the following few weeks I sought her forgiveness and sent her several e-mails. When I saw her on the street in front of our building she was receptive and flirtatious, responding coyly to my asking her if she was reading my e-mails with “Well, Maybe.”

    The very next day she said she needed to talk to me and took me up to the privacy of the parking garage where most of the sexual part of our affair had taken place and proceeded to tell me the reason she was still reading my e-mails what that she was ‘terrified’ of what I might do. She made hurtful references about my daughters as well. So that was one last roller coaster ride.

    In the end, after five years of telling me how ‘special’ I was and how much she loved me, she completely turned on me, telling me she never loved me that it was just an affair (so different from all the hours we sat and talked about how this was not the typical affair). She belittled the whole thing, abandoned, betrayed, devalued, dehumized, emasculated and vilified me. She had the gall to take her husband to the police in April of last year and try to get a stalking order against me claiming I had threatened her life and that I was nothing more than an ‘older; guy she knew that worked across the hall in office that become infatuated with her and was stalking her because she had refused my advances. After that I wrote a long letter to her husband telling him in great detail about the affair. Less than four months later they were divorced. I believe she used me as her “exit affair”.

    In October when I tried to seek forgiveness she responded by telling me I should ask here husband for forgiveness. When I was overheard by a security guard ranting in the empty office elevator as I was leaving the a few days later, she, having begun a relationship with the head of security for the building, was informed and used that combined with a litany of fabrication to obtain a temporary stalking order on October 31. I have since moved out of the building and had had no contact with her in three months. Last week I sent her husband an e-mail asking for his forgiveness. He forwarded it directly to her and she forwarded it to her attorney. On her birthday on 1/31 I sent her an ‘anonymous’ email with two music videos. She claims to be a Christian and I had recently seen a comment she made on a facebook post saying ‘amen’ to a reference to how to live a truly Christlike life. One of the videos was a ‘Christian’ video to a song by Joseph Arthur called “In The Sun” and the other, also by Joseph Arthur is called “Birthday Card”. As a result of those actions I will probably end up with a criminal record and a permanent stalking order. I have already experienced the humiliation of having my date asked for ID for reason made know by the officer during a routine traffic stop.

    I have learned that she is a textbook Narcissist and now see that I was nothing but an object to her, she has not an ounce of empathy or compassion , despite her facebook “amen” and I have allowed her to all but destroy me. I think about her all day every day and despite praying to God to take her out of my head, I continue to wake up thinking of her and fall asleep thinking of her.
    I have also prayed that I won’t wake up and I have been actively and seriously considering suicide, even to the point of telling family members and my attorney/friend that I am going to kill myself.

    So that is the legacy of an affair. One that wasn’t supposed to be an ordinary affair, but different, meant to be. I have hurt so many people.

  321. 321
    Anonymous Says:

    I think you all should read the book Mr unavailble and the fallback girl. Also, I recently read that these sorts of men find there lovers more unattractive as the months go by leaving them feeling like they need to upgrade from you to eventually. Stop feeding these guys egos please. Work out why you want this aweful life for yourself.

  322. 322
    Anonymous Says:

    I too can relate to many of these comments. I’m in an affair almost 16 years with a married man. Talk about low self esteem, lonliness, and heartache. I have been in that spot for several years…and it isn’t going to change unless I make the change. I tried many many times, but here I am in the same spot as before with the same man. He tells me he can’t predict the future, and if he wasn’t with his wife he’d be with me, but she has to make the move first. For 16 years my life has revolved around him and his wife’s schedule and it leaves me alone and sad. I don’t know what to do as I’ve tried to leave several times but he won’t let go. And we work together in a place where pretty much everybody knows. I have dug a hole so deep I do.t see a future. I blame myself for being ignorant, and I don’t want to hurt anyone else. I just don’t know anymore. Love isn’t enough! Advice I’d give someone else on verge of an affair RUN now!

  323. 323
    Anonymous Says:

    Last year my fiancee cheated on me. I was pregnant with our first child together and he wanted me to have an abortion. I couldn’t go through with it. He was so pissed at me, he persued some ho 10 years younger than I am for a week. She knew all about me, knew about my son that had grown to love my fiancee and she also knew I was pregnant. He loved me, but he loved his pain more. She knew he loved me, but she loved the attention she was getting from him more. She slept with him anyway. Skank went to his house in the middle of the night and turned herself into a saturday night booty call and left before the sun ever came up. I hate her guts. I hate his. She is just as culpable as he is, because she knew the deal up front. They are selfish bastards and deserve nothing but misery. She haunts my dreams and my life. Make no mistake ladies, when you get involved with someone who is in a committed relationship, you helping to sentence that mans woman to a lifetime of misery. The pain is so deep and raw. I am 7 months out of finding out what he did to me and I came face to face with the woman he cheated on me with just this last Sunday night. It is the most painful thing I have experienced in my 33 years. Wonder what it must be like for her knowing she only got screwed because I didn’t kill my baby? Wonder if it still makes her all hot and bothered…you people that betray us this way deserve nothing good in your life. Nothing. If I and other betrayed spouses like me have to suffer because of your selfishness, you don’t ever deserve happiness.

  324. 324
    Anonymous Says:

    I think you need help before this destroys you and your children. A. You and he were not married, B. Where’s the birth control, a child already exsisted before pregnancy took place again C. He chose to hook up with a different person, but she seems to be getting majority of blame and D. Life is to short to give someone else all your energy and power by hating. We all make mistakes and horrible choices at times, even you in your choice of men.
    Let go learn and move on so that you and your children can have a fullfilling happy life!

  325. 325
    Anonymous Says:

    After reading all these comments, I am relieved that I am not alone. I’ve been seeing a man who I believe is the man of my dreams for a year and a month. We started out as friends who decided to have this arrangement. He is engaged to the mother of his child. He’s supposedly very unhappy with her.. Mentally, emotionally, physically. I fulfill the needs that aren’t met at home. Though he’s never promised to leave her and has even told me a few time that nothing more than an arrangement will come out of this affair, I can’t help but hope that things will change. I am in live with him. I wake up every morning waiting for his texts. I wait everyday for him to tell me when he will come over to see me. I’ve deluded myself thinking that this is more than a physical relationship to him. I have been there for him as a friend, a confidant.

    I’ve tried so many times to leave but have no strength to let go. I am so afraid of the pain that will come out of not seeing him again. I am not a stupid woman but I am acting like one. I keep thinking that maybe I could be the exception to the rule. I want to believe that he’s a good man with a heart.. That he’s not a selfish jerk who is taking advantage of me. I blame myself everyday for enabling him to cheat.

    I am in limbo and it’s painful. I know I’m being weak. I know I’m being selfish. I don’t want to be the other woman. I want someone to come home to. I want a family. I want a peaceful life. I want to believe I deserve all that and at the end of the day, I find myself wanting him to choose me.

    I’ve never been so unhappy in my life yet when his around, I’m happy. I find it painful to look at myself in the mirror …. How can a beautiful, intelligent, loving, amazing woman like be succumb to this situation? How can I be so weak? Why am I having such a hard time letting go. I know what’s right from wrong…. But I can’t seem to pull myself together and start doing the right thing.

    I cried as I read each of the comments above. I don’t want to hurt anymore.

  326. 326
    Anonymous Says:

    to 325 the problem is your infatuation with him is greater than the love you have for yourself. Don’t you DESERVE better than this? Do you want to be with someone who has the capacity to do to you what he’s doing to the “mother of his children?”

    I think you should get down on your knees and thank your lucky stars that you have the opportunity to dodge this bullet before it turns into a catastrophe.

  327. 327
    Anonymous Says:

    Hi I am in love with a married man for the past 4 months. His wife has 4th stage cancer which cannot be cured. He is a very committed husband and takes care of his wife.
    I love this man very much. I am very confused as I don’t know what should I do? He has had no physical relationship with his wife for the past 6 yrs.
    We have become very close and sex is great.

    Should I stay in this situation.Wait for him? Doctors say the prognosis for his wife is hard to say maybe 2 to 4 yrs max.

  328. 328
    Anonymous Says:

    I am deeply in love with a married woman. She is beautiful and everything I have ever wanted in a girl. We felt a connection first time we met, we fought it, ignored it, but it just kept pushing us together. We have been seeing eachother regularly for 6 months.

    Before we started, I asked her if she was unhappy in her marriage. She admitted she wasn’t unhappy, and couldn’t explain why she had this overwhelming need to be with me.

    6 months down the line, she is talking about confessing all to her husband. I feel sooo guilty, as they have young kids. I just can’t stop, nothing can stop this, it is too powerful.

  329. 329
    Anonymous Says:

    # 327…

    I had to react to your post…Can you read what you wrote? You are “in love” with a MM whose WIFE IS DYING. Here is my take on this and I am not going to make it easy on you:

    1. You are fooling yourself: he is NOT a committed husband. He would not be having an affair with another woman if he was, cancer or not. He does not take care of her, he has checked out of his marriage at a time of her life when she needs him most. Disgraceful…

    2. You are fooling yourself again: if you think that it is true that he has had no sexual relationship with is wife for the last 6 years, you are dupe. My husband told the same thing to all of his OWs (31 and counting) while leading a normal life with me including great SEX 3 to 4 times a week. They all believed him, poor thing…But if he told you he was sleeping with his wife, you would not feel much empathy for him, would you? So now you are supposed to save him from a sexless marriage?

    3. Wow, I have no words for a husband who confides in someone else (who ever it is, even YOU) such intimate details as to the time his wife still has to live. You have no right to know these details – unless SHE confides in you. I am speechless really. It is down right disguting and shows his character. But if I were you, I would also doubt this as much as “no sex for 6 years”. He should have come up with a better reason to let you hang around for the next 2 to 4 years (normally they give the children as a reason – when they finish elementary school, when they graduate from HS, after Christmas, before Christmas, when they get married, when they get their first child, when …). I also like the “max”. Hey 4 years, top max. What if 4 years rolls around (hopefully for her)…OK so now we have a problem…the wife does not die fast enough. What now? Throw her under a bus?

    4. Wait for him? Or wait for his wife to die? Ask yourself this question and then look at yourself in a mirror.

    By now you must be angry and it is a good thing. You are in a relationship with a married man. MARRIED means MARRIED. Unavailable. The time he gives you, he should be giving to his wife (who, shall I repeat is dying) and his children if he has any. All the hours he gives you, he steals from her and his family.

    By now you must know what my answer to your question will be. LEAVE. What is 4 months invested in a man who is not worth it? Would you prefer 4 years and the knowledge that you hovered on the death bed of an innocent woman for that long (wewh). Leave and don’t look back. Go out, do stuff, take Kick boxing, buy a dog and forget him. You will hurt, it will be difficult. But do this for you. And for her. the love you share is pure fantasy, it is not real and it is certainly NOT unique.

    One last thought…he does THIS to his wife…I sure hope you have a very strong health because he will do this to you too. Can you really count on him being there when you are sick? I think you know the answer.

  330. 330
    Anonymous Says:

    #327, I am with 329 on this one. Pretty clear cut.

  331. 331
    Anonymous Says:

    Somehow, all of us have stumbled onto this webpage, looking for some sage wisdom to either justify our “affairs”, or sooth our hurting souls… I Am Hurting!
    Similar to 327, I am the OW in an affair with a law enforcement officer who has a wife that has literally survived three anurisms. We met while he was on duty. He found me on a daily basis and conversed with me for weeks.
    He claimed to be lonely and tired, I, after being divorced for over 10 years, was too. He works hard and seems to work hard, cooking all of her meals, cleaning, running his ranch…I was his joy, as he claimed, his solitude (his distraction actually). Initially he indicated that she was improving and that his plan was to complete the divorce they had begun “before” she became ill.He basically could not stand his wife and claimed that they had no relationship. they sleep in seperate bedrooms, have a sexless relatioship for over 5 years.He claimed that he was committed to care for her because she had no one else to do so.

    He has always claimed to love me “immensley”, but strangely enough, as I sit here today, I feel so foolish as I take inventory on how little he has ever really done for me. I only see him on his work schedule. I am the hotel “quickie” and have even reduced my integrity to performing acts for him in the car in the parking lot of his Station!!!! I feel so used, so lonely and unsatisfied. Yet, I am in love with him, and he claims to be in love with me….however, at this exact moment, he is sharing his vacation with his wife, who he claims, hates him, his family and state of origin, and the very wife, that is supposedly, “handicapped”, is on vacation. Go Figure!
    I call, he does not answer. I text, no reply. He calls and rushes me off in 20 seconds.
    Why does he not tell me the truth…why does he continue to make me promises, which he does not keep, why does he continue to tell me he loves me, call me his baby, ?????
    I feel like such an idiot. We other women really sell ourselves short dont we? Untangling ourselves is the only solution. I need my self worth and integrity back!!!!

  332. 332
    Anonymous Says:

    Affair partners and the cheating spouse are self centered and do not care who they hurt, so whether they realize how much damage they cause or not, it doesn’t matter to them. Just like when my son hung himself at 11 years old because his mother had an affair and left us, and her partner said “at least you won’t have to pay child support”, and she left him and tried to come back to me. Sorry hun, you made your bed, now suffer in it. We all deserve better, and the cheater and their partner deserve each other along with the judgement. You reap what you sew.

  333. 333
    Anonymous Says:

    If you knowingly enter into a relationship with someone married, or who has a family, you are a douchebag! Plain and simple.

    Being part of ruining something sacred is worthy of your own death, if it means that the family stays together. So, go jump in front of a bus.

  334. 334
    Anonymous Says:

    I have been involved with a mm for 8 years. I was married when we met online. I was caught . My marriage ended. He stays married.The affair continued . The affair broke up many legit relationships I attempted.
    Here I am “unsingle” I have no expectation of his marriage breaking up. His wife lives under the powerful dome of denial. Perhaps I do as well.I feel content.
    His children are happy. My children are happy. His wife looks happy in photos. I feel loved. he says his life is in perfect balance.
    I have tried so many times to end this “wrong” relationship. It seems impossible for me. I am a good person. I am sorry I get all the sex and love (that makes me happy) but she gets all the money and arm candy (that makes her happy) I am sorry she lives a lie .

    As long as you don’t need to claim ownership everybody wins.

  335. 335
    Anonymous Says:

    # 334 – Suppose he has a heart attack and dies tomorrow. Who will be with him in his dying moments? Who will collect the sentiments and blessings from friends and family? Who will inherit his life insurance and material possession? Who will his children stand beside? Where will you be during all of this? Will you be alone? Will you have done nothing more than given up your body and sacrificed the only life you have for a selfish and weak man who who is incapable of doing what is right by either you, his legitimate wife, or his children? I really bet this man is happy and his life is in balance.

    If you suffer a heart attack tomorrow will this man be by your side on your deathbed for hours, weeks, or months especially if its really debilitating? Or–will you be alone while this man goes about life with his wife in denial and going out to eat with his children and going to bed each night? Seems like a desolate way to live. In addition to that–its wrong.

  336. 336
    Anonymous Says:

    #334, you just get sex, not love. Sex and love are two completely different things. And who are you to judge if his wife is happy with the “arrangement”? Let me guess…HE told you so. I dare you to tell his wife and see if she is happy with “the money and the arm candy” like you say. Tell her about your relationship with your husband. You never know, you may discover that you three form a happy “trouple”. She gets to use you as surrogate sex buddy for her husband and you get to see her reap the monetary benefit of the “arrangement”. Not sure how long you will be happy…

    I am with #335 on this. Of course HIS life is in perfect balance. Yours is not. His wife’s is not. Your children’s is not, his children’s is not. It is all about him. It is not even about you. Or his wife. It is only about him. Educate yourself a bit more on men who cheat…It is enlightening.

    I am amazed but not surprised by your dissociation: so your actions do not make you what you are? Contributing to making his wife’s life a lie, to the deception, to the break down of her marriage and family does not make you a good person? Not sure if I follow your logic. Next time one of your child lies to you or steal from you, I hope you will apply the same standard…

  337. 337
    Anonymous Says:

    I’m involved with two different married men, one for 6 years ( we started off dating while he was separated, and when I left him the first time he went back for the children), and the other for two years (he has been married about the same length of time).

    I have to say, I’ve battled with the morality of it all quite a bit, and it made me break off my first affair several times, but I’ve realized that morality in general is flawed. When I don’t think of the morality around my two affairs, I’m quite content. I am a person that requires a lot of space, I do not desire to be in a close romantic relationship with someone else. I prefer platonic companionship, and feel overwhelmed if I have to live with a romantic partner. I lived with a boyfriend for a year once and had panic attacks monthly. I just do not want my partner or lover around me all the time.

    My two lovers give me everything I need, and I have the space to be myself. One would not be enough, and three too many, and I feel quite blessed with the two of them. I am not the kind of woman who would be happy to cook and clean and bear children and attend family functions, and so I am very happy for their wives who fulfill those functions. That is an important role, but one I am not equipped to do. What I am equipped to do, is to be a lover and make my lovers feel desired, attractive, and valuable, because that is what they are to me. I feel that my relationships with them are no less valuable to them than their relationships with their wives…. They are just different.

    I know that because of “morality”, my relationships with these men will never be looked upon as anything else than sordid. But I know myself (and they know) that what I have with them is as special and deep as the relationships they have with their wives. I’m not saying that all affairs are of this type – in fact I feel that my situation is an exception to the rule.

    Sometimes, arrangements that are not of the norm, are the exactly normal and proper thing for an individual. The problems start to arise when people try to fit themselves into roles and spaces that they do not fit.

  338. 338
    Anonymous Says:

    I learned my husband was seeing another woman at our 26th year of marriage.

    Marriage is not an umbrella that suddently has a hole in it (“Their marriage was broken.”). Marriage is what the woman does and what the man does. If either has a relationship outside the marriage promise, he or she is not participating in the marriage, and frankly, at 52, I will not track the infidelity of a 52-year-old man who does not want to be in a promise he made.

    Give me my half of the retirement,401(k)and bank accounts. I have no interest in keeping the other woman or paying for her wedding, meals and entertainment.

    Give me my home and remove your things. No I will not sell it. It is my home. Make your own.

    Husband, drop the fear of going fully into this outside life you’ve created for yourself. Get your things and stop lying to the other woman. Show her who you really are.

    To the other woman – he’s yours.

  339. 339
    Anonymous Says:

    337, pleased to meet you. My sentiments are very simpatico with yours. I check in here periodically to see if the venom for the OW ever ebbs…but it doesn’t. I am a booty call for my MM and, as booty calls go, I hit the jackpot. Good conversation, laughs, satisfaction, and then we go back to leading our separate lives. I am no threat to his union and don’t want to be. I too have issues with constant togetherness and have been very uncomfortable in traditional man-woman relationships.

    I recently read an article about the “new” marriage, where spouses marry but maintain separate living arrangements. Apparently this was a very popular idea in Victorian times. Might be something to that. I need a lot of space – mental space, emotional space. So far, being an OW to a man I really like is giving me the space I crave. There are times I don’t even make myself available to him!

    I’ve always said I wanted 3 men, lovers, in my life. I had two for a little while, the second one being a single man who I let go because he provided no mental stimulation.

    I have a widowed male coworker who recently got married for a second time….his new married life is constant conflict. But he’s in his 60’s and said he did not want to be alone, did not want to die alone and be found by neighbors only because they started to smell something. His first marriage was not great either, but lots of folks feel marriage is better than being alone. Many feel it is even superior to being alone.

  340. 340
    Anonymous Says:

    From O.W. #334 thank you to 335 and 336 , who ever you are you do give me words of wisdom and strength . I know my situation is “wrong” I am in an unhealthy situation. Getting out of it is the kicker.

  341. 341
    Anonymous Says:

    I often come to this forum in an attempt to get some understanding into WHY this happened to my marriage. I am the betrayed spouse. My husband was having an affair with a close family friend. This went on for 5 years…at least! They just recently ended it because I TOLD my H that I am through with the marriage and want a divorce ASAP! Done! Forget the money, properties, business..I am just through. I can’t take it anymore. Well…magically…he has done a 180 on me. He now WANTS the marriage and he magically LOVES me again. He has never admitted to the affair nor has he ever even offered to apologize for all of the emotional and mental abuse that he has heaped on me and our family for the past 5 years. It’s over between them and now I am supposed to be happy that he is “BACK”. Needless to say, I am not having any of this nonsense. He pushed me too far and I have no love for him at all now.

    I wonder what it is that makes this kind of situation happen. I told the OW that she can have him. She never responded. I think that it is a case of “Becareful what you wish for because you might get it.” She wanted my husband and his money for so long, and now that she can have it…she doesn’t want him full time. It’s all fun and games until the reality of what they have done seeps in on them. As for me, I don’t want him either. I have gotten stronger and realized that he is just a weak man and I have no tolerence for his games anymore. How long will it be before they are back at it again? Are they waiting for me to “Get Over” wanting a divorce?

    I am not putting the OW down. I think that people who are engaged in affairs don’t realize what they are doing to the wife and children until it’s too late. I know that there are wives out there that are not emotionally and physically available to their husbands. This was not the case in my marriage. I know that there were times when he was with her having sex then he would come home and want sex with me too. I am WELL aware of this fact! But, I chose not to engage in this game. I understand that people have affairs for all kinds of reasons, but I don’t think that people consider the long term affects of this kind of betrayal.

    As for me, well, I am not going back to my marriage. It’s a shame really. My husband is going to lose his home and his family because he decided too late in the game that he didn’t really want the OW. I also think that it’s a shame that the OW lost her reputation and integrity. Now…my H is alone and so is she.

  342. 342
    Anonymous Says:

    My ex wife is the OW. We had a great marriage for 12 years and two wonderful kids. No big problems in the marriage, others always thought of us as a perfect couple. I loved my ex wife with all my heart, never cheated on her….I wasn’t abusive, never called her any names, not a drinker.
    She met this guy at work who is a year younger than her. They started talking and he was making advances…she did not like him, always was complaining about his ego. Well, long story short she finally fell for it. He was telling her about problems in his marriage.Telling her how rich he is, that he made millions selling his old company…She fell for his lies and started telling her own…She started rewriting her marital history. Told him how I mistreated her and what not. Now we are divorced and she is still with him. I talked to his wife recently. They were not having any problems in their marriage, she was shocked.
    I just could not believe how she fell for it. She was a good wife and a good mother. Now she is totally different person. Lost all her friends, lost all the respect from everyone. What the hell is she thinking?!
    She ruined her kids lives,

  343. 343
    Anonymous Says:

    Reading these comments had been an eye-opening experience… On the brink of becoming the OW, this just released me: I’ve been falling for his sob stories about his home life not being what he thought it would be after less than one year of marriage.

    He wasn’t married 30 days before he was texting me, then calling, then just stating that he was coming by… I allowed it and I even enjoyed it. I liked that he wanted to hear me say I love you…. And I almost started to believe that the love was real. But after reading these comments, I realize that it’s no love…it’s pit that I feel for him. I don’t love him enough to get angry when he doesn’t follow through with the plans he made for us.

    The reality is, he picked her and now it’s too late to second guess his choice. He could have picked me but he said that she was THE ONE. He has to deal that, not me… I’ll always believe that he made the wrong choice but nevertheless, he made a choice. He doesn’t get to have it both ways. What she doesn’t do for him, he won’t get from me either from dropping off and picking up the dry cleaning to playing bedroom games. He made a choice and I don’t have to be held hostage to it. Being in love is no excuse to be foolish with my heart and my mind. He’s using her and also trying to use me. He says that e got married for the wrong reason… It doesn’t matter because he actually got married. Words spoken to me are most likely not the truth, just some version of the truth that he needs to hear himself say to justify being with me at that moment. The complaints are always about her. I wonder if he even sees what he’s doing wrong. My eyes are open now…

  344. 344
    Anonymous Says:

    I was the other woman for twenty years. We both finally ended it last year due to big life changes in both our circumstances. My daughters are still close to him though I have blocked him from phone, e-mail etc. It was NEVER exciting because it was illicit; we both didn’t want it to happen and felt guilty wretched for two decades. We stayed together as we were best friends and we did/do genuinely love each other. Don’t waste time on affairs. It will hurt everybody eventually

  345. 345
    Anonymous Says:

    I don’t know where to start. As of end of February this year it will be five years ago that my H chested on me with my long lost best friend for a grand total of about 10 weeks, I mad the mistake of contacting the ow on Facebook after nearly 6 years of no contact. She and her ex-husband had been best friends with myself and my H for a couple of years but she had several affairs, one of which she told me about which resulted in a baby which she miscarried and tried to say was her husbands. Anyway her marriage fell apart for reasons only known to them (he never knew what she had got up to while he was away on army tour). He got another posting at her request (she was desperate to escape her secrets) and she told me later that he had an affair not long after she had their daughter (she got pregnant without planning it with him). She couldn’t forgive him and moved back near her family and he remarried and has 4 children, very much moved on.

    Anyway I hadn’t meant to give her life story but I guess I’m trying to paint an image of her to try and explain to myself why she decided to destroy me. We had lost contact after a while . She was very bitter about her lot in life and felt I had let her down in not supporting her when she was on her own(she told me this recently) even though we had stopped being close friends as soon as she told me of her affair, I had never wanted to know the information and could not pretend that I understood her behaviour, plus our husbands were on tour together and so it was all really awkward. She had also tried to cause trouble in my marriage by telliing me how my husband had confided in her about our marriage (we had been through a rocky patch,no affair though). It’s all so messy and I need to get to the point so will stop droning on!

    October 2008 contacted her and she came to visit with her 7 year old daughter straight away. It was great and all was forgiven on both sides. My husband was a bit wary after the trouble she had caused us years ago but was happy I was happy and let me go off and stay with her for a night to party while he babysat. I then with my husband felt sorry for her as she seemed so lonely and she had confessed to me in tears how lonely she was and how my husband and I were her little piece of normality. So we invited her and her daughter to spend a couple of days with us just before Christmas. We had a great laugh and talked loads of the past through although she did seem a bit obsessed with How awful her life had been. And was very tearful at times. But I saw it that we were helping her work through it. I noticed very quickly though that she seemed to be talking more to my husband via text and Facebook, which he put down to me not answering my texts veer frequently, which I bought, but didn’t feel comfortable with. January came and she had phoned my H in tears about life in general and he asked if we should maybe invite her over for support. I did this by phoning her but she seemed a bit off and weird. She didn’t seem that interested in talking to me but was happy to come over. Again we had a laugh and I as usual was secure enough to leave them talking when I went to bed. I had told her I didn’t feel threatened by her anymore and was sorry for thinking in the past that she might have had her eye on my H.

    Long story short they began an affair end of February and my H confessed to me all the details beginning of may. He had moved out (at my request) end of march as I couldn’t live with someone who said he was no longer inlove with me (affair wAs not mentioned). She during that time Had offered to babysit for me at her house so I could go out. She quizzed me about my meetings with lawyer, I had already begun divorce proceedings. She would phone me and find out how I was dong and advised me to stop my husband having access to our daughter and how to get a quick divorce. She even got her daughter to speak to my 3 year old daughter on the phone so they could have a cry together about the situation, during this time I was surprised to see how cheerful she was about my situation. In april following an almighty row my H told me that he had been having an inappropriate friendship with the ow via texting and that he knew it was wrong and so did she but nothing else had happened and he wasn’t sure how he felt about her. i subsequently phoned her obsesssivly demanding an explanation but she wouldn’t answer. Anyway my H made his tearful confession following a particularly viscious 3am phone call to me replying to my missed calls about my appalling conduct as a friend and basically wishing me dead and telling me i was mad and nothing was going on! my h handed me his phone and begged me to try and let him be at least a small part of my life again.

    Somehow, probably shock, I forgave him. She had sent obsessive texts for row weeks begging him to call her one minute and then acting like he was just a pal who she missed the next, then swearing and calling him everything under the sun. My h asked if I wanted him to call her to finish it in front of me but I decided no contact at all forever was best, I wanted her to know what my world had felt like these last couple of months and she she did not deserve a single fraction of closure. So that’s what we did for two years. However she has since hounded me on face book by using pseudo named accounts to send messages to me telling me all sorts of revolting lies and believe me I checked all of them out with a fine tooth comb and absolutely know they are horrific lies made all the worse as she sent her last message following a one time only message from me in response one from her telling her very politely that I had always known about the affair and thanked her for giving us such a wake up call, but did not believe she was sorry and she needed to take responsibility for her own mistakes and stopped blaming everyone else for once, and that my H blamed no one else other than himself for what haooened, she sent her last vile message after seeing on Facebook that I was pregnant (goodness knows how!). I got the message 3 weeks after my son was born. I am trying to hold it together but my god it’s hard. I refuse to reply to her (she has unblocked me from Facebook clearly hoping for a reaction). I pray to god that I can stay string and not get into this rediculous and evil war of words. I am a broken woman who somehow is trying to still find love for her husband, this is getting harder not easier. If I hadn’t have gotten pregnant again I believe I may well have left. He could not have been more remorseful, supportive or loving but he has shown me such cruelty and evil I can never be me again. And she has destroyed my faith in humanity and my own judgement. My marriage was clearly already in trouble before she came along but she Defo made sure it was as damaged as it could possibly be and actually went out of her way to do so. Affairs are just symptoms of a marriage in crisis, that’s why they rarely last.

    Wow, I’ll stop now but I believe for the record the ow are victims too a lot of the time. However if you believe in his love for you just do the decent thing and step back. Let him come to you if that’s what he really wants. But I suspect that most of you won’t because it has become a competition and for whatever reason you are damaged beings who see nothing but your own pain and will stop at nothing and no one to get the life you can’t seem to secure for yourself. Another woman’s sloppy seconds surely aren’t much of an ego boost is it?

  346. 346
    Anonymous Says:

    Believe it or not my husband was a married when I met him. When we met it took a month for him to tell me he was married & he called to tell me as he was pulling out of his driveway from moving out of his home & leaving his 1st wife. We have been married for 15 years now & it has been wonderful. I could not ask for anyone better. People need to realize that sometimes things happen for a reason & not to always blame the cheating spouse. It takes 2 for the marriage to fall apart. So for all the haters of other woman out there all I have to say is choose your words wisely because you never know what can happen to you. A word of advise to the “other woman” I found my true love, who knows maybe you have too. Don’t let anyone tell you it’s wrong. They have no clue how you feel inside & only the 2 people in love know the feeling of their love. Good Luck!

  347. 347
    Anonymous Says:

    I dated a married men for 3 years lied to me for 2 1/2 saying he was not married until this christmas that I saw him christmas shopping with her. I was devastated, he reached put to me on Christmas eve and sold me a story when I gave him the ultimatum he put millions of excuses. I have left the relationship for 3 weeks now and this breakup is the worst cause one a womem gets in that position where you know they didn’t choose you it hurts and leaves you empty inside. For those that are in premature relationships run while you can!!

  348. 348
    Anonymous Says:

    I agree with #224. #218 is only blaming the “other woman”. If we are to blame… – it needs to be towards the OW + Man + wife OR OM + woman + husband. A man nor woman wouldn’t stray if there marriage was fulfilling. Everybody knows that a marriage takes work – a lot of work. Marriages can become routine, financial + kids stress can take its toll, wife + husband may take each other for granted, wife + husband never tell each other “they appreciate them and what they do”, couples forget that their significant others need nurturing and sex and appreciation and lots of love. When an affair starts – obviously this marriage is lacking in something.

  349. 349
    Anonymous Says:

    346 if your so happy what are you doing trying to justify your incredibly selfish behaviour all these years later. You may call it love I call it karma. You married a man who cheats on his wife. Your turn next if it hasn’t happened already…

  350. 350
    Anonymous Says:

    I am the married man, if it wasnt for stupid naive idiots like you I would not get my yearly fix of pleasure. Bring it on ladies, I have plenty of married men praying on you fools. All I need to say is “I love you she doesn’t understand me, I love her I’m not in love with her, our marriage was over anyway” and your like putty in my mouth. Twits!

  351. 351
    Anonymous Says:

    For those of my friends that have had an affair or were contemplating it–if I knew about it and they said “I just couldn’t help it” my response is simply,”If you knew I would kill your children for if you have/had this affair could you help it?” Of course the answer is yes so now it all really is reduced to the least common denominator of the priorities you place on your spouse and the mother or father of your children. Really folks it IS THAT simple. Let’s not make it more glorified or twist it into something it is not. It is a grown person making the willful choice to injure their children when children are involved.

    Have you ever heard the saying that you should never say negative things about your ex or soon to be ex? That’s because doing so hurts your children because no matter what that other parent has done he/she is a part of the children and to tear down their parent tears them down too. So do you think to cheat on their parent and emotional rip them apart you don’t do the same to the children. You say they won’t find out– they ALWAYS find out.

    Have fun rationalizing your actions. This is a permanent stain on your soul that you will carry forever.

  352. 352
    Anonymous Says:

    i was the other man for 19 months. I fell in love with a beautiful, unhappily married co-worker. she said she loved me and not her husband of 7 years but would not leave him because of the effect it would have on their little daughter. we ended it mutually. I still love her and I think she still loves me. we see each other at work. I feel so lost, I can not stop crying. she is the only one for me. I told her to stop texting and phoning me so I could move on. I feel so alone, can someone help?

  353. 353
    Anonymous Says:

    Lots of hatred toward women in that reply, 350. Lots of self-hatred too. I’m a recovering booty call…never thought I was anything more to him…. Noticed that I was feeling less and less happy, finally visited Baggage Reclaim and am learning so much about myself. My need to learn how to set boundaries, give to myself, value myself. I was happy for a while with the MM….but I noticed the happiness was starting to fade. Ladies and gentlemen, please don’t have “pretend” relationships. Learn more about yourselves and the married person will become less interesting to you.

  354. 354
    Anonymous Says:

    Hi I would really like someones help, ive been seeing a married man for 4years now. I was married when it started however ive now been divorced for two years and did not leave my ex to be with my mm I left beacause he was mentally and emotionally abusive to me and our two children not that this excuses me cheating on him if I was braver I should have left before I cheated! I would like to say that up until my affair ive never cheated on anyone ever and its very out of character for me. Im deeply in love with him and reason I didn’t stay away from him in first place is that his wife also cheats on him has had atleast 4 affairs that I know of including whilst pregnant and my mm isn’t even sure if the baby is his!she has wanted to partner swap with him and others and has even asked him if she can have sex with certain men then regardless of what he says does it behind his back anyways! she treats him terribly has recently been violent with him and I know she doesn’t love him truth is she just doesn’t want to be on her own how can she love him and suck off someone else at 7months pregnant? My mm is now in a kind of seperation with her,however she wants him back is now saying she will get help for her depression which she has always blamed her behaviour on when infact hr is simply second best always has been. He is feeling low, confused and trapped. Am not sure if he going to give her another chance if he knows his worth and becomes strong enough to finally leave her :-(. All I know is I would preffer it if he did even if I still couldn’t have him how id like because I want him to have a chance at being happy. I know he is the one for me but sometimes loves not enough. I have hurt everyday since ive been seeing him but can’t seem to stop because I know she doesn’t deserve his love and yet another chance. The other woman often gets blamed for being a house wrecker but hope this story shows that infact sometimes it is the wife who wrecks things and sometimes us woman in the background actually do deserve the fairytale ending! He is saying now to me that he doesn’t want to go back but doesn’t feel strong and still feels trapped and even if he leaves he can’t promise to commit to me which I wouldn’t want believe it or not all I want is a chance with him that’s all ive ever wanted what do I do? I can’t bare to see him go back to that life :'(

  355. 355
    Anonymous Says:

    My husband left me 7 weeks ago for ow. He was a loving family man and then one day just said I can’t do this anymore. Told me he been having an affair for 3 months and left. I’m still in shock we had been together for 26 years. He left for another married women who left her husband for him. He told me he loves me but not enough. Sorry but I think if your going to have a affair with mm mw find out the facts first because my h and I had a good marriage still sleeping together which his cant even tell ow. Now I’m left to pick up the pieces. His daughter will never talk to him again and she not allow him to see his grandaughter. His gone from been a caring h and father to a cold person we don’t know anymore. I still pray he will come back but know this isn’t going to happen. So how do the ow feel about breaking family’s up. How will there live with the guilt. Because I know I couldn’t. Sorry but this makes me feel sick about affairs , please think about there family.

  356. 356
    Anonymous Says:

    MM who have had several affairs for over 30 + years of marriage. We got married when we were very young, 21 & 19 respectivly. I did not want to get married and felt like I was forced into it, but none the less I did. I start having affairs early in the relationship simply because I was not in love with my wife. I wanted to leave but was advise to stay by church leaders. So we stayed together, however I was not happy. I have had several jobs over the years and there were always someone on the job who was willing to sleep with me (they were all one time affairs). As time move on, two children later (who are now grown), the affairs continue to happen each one a little longer than the other. (both MW and SW) weeks, several months and now a couple of years. I always feel guilty and know it’s wrong, but for whatever reason I cant say no when I ask or they ask me. Sometime I am pursuing and sometime they pursue me. Currently Im not sure how it happen other than we both work together she is a SW. She said something,then I said something we starting talking. Of course the subject of sex came up. I told her I’m not leaving my wife she said she understood. We had sex one time, for the next year we had sex almost everyday. I left so many times but keep coming back. She said she is ok being the OW. This has been going on for over two years. I have tried too leave but find it difficult because we are so emotionally involved. It’s hard to just walk away, I want to end it, but! when I’m not with her I say I’m leaving, however when I see her I can’t say it. I keeping saying its over to myself but I do not have the courage to say it. My wife and I are empty nesters and she can’t make it on her own because I make the majority of the money and have all the benefits. I don’t want to hurt her any more than I have because we are best friends. It a lot more to this but, i just wanted to vent, maybe this will give me the strength to walk away from the OW.

  357. 357
    Anonymous Says:

    Reading these have been very therapeutic for me.

    Three months ago she ended an affair with me for the fourth time, yes I am a slow learner. She has been in a long term relationship for 10 years, has two kids under 5. I for 28 years with one child 13. This time was by far the hardest of the four almost killed me to be honest.

    We have had an on-again off-again EA for the past five years (met when she was pregnant but just before she found out.) There was a 24 month break where she had the child, but it didn’t take long for us to rekindle the romance once we saw each other again. The previous attempt at ending it was Nov 2012 two months after it became physical. We didn’t see each other for five months then in March 2013 she arranged drinks. It was lovely to see her again, we went immediately to the line but didn’t cross, a simple hug good-by, one week later (Friday) we spent the whole night together getting home around 6:30am.

    She called Saturday afternoon and asked me to run away with her. Here-to-fore we had said we were not going to leave our relationships, I said not today we have to plan a separation around the children (okay I know what you are thinking but WTF I wanted to make sure the kids were catered for as best we could.)

    What followed was three months of the most intense relationship of my life. The full on PA, business trips together, office trysts, and we did find time to plan for the separations, figuring out where we would live as a couple, catering for how to manage the children, etc., even discussing rings and dates. Then a text saying it is over, well not really over, just move to a five year plan and in the mean time not see each other because it will be impossible to stick to the five year plan otherwise. In the past three months (Sept 2013 as I type) we have talked on the phone twice and sent a half dozen text messages.

    My world imploded. I thought I would die and was afraid I would live. Even now I am beside myself with grief, I am back to crying daily.

    This is harder then the last times, before I always thought she would come back, I would put my love for her on hold. Now I think she will stay away, so I have to unlove her. I am afraid she will come back for I know if she does I will go to her. And god knows what will happen to me if she leaves me again I can’t take that risk, my son is too precious to me.

    But fact is I wish I had left with her when I had the opportunity I want to spend the rest of my life with her.

  358. 358
    Anonymous Says:

    I was the “other woman” for almost four years and words cannot express the hurt, anger, and pain that resulted from my involvement with this married man. It was without a doubt the most foolish, damaging thing that I’ve ever done to myself. I guess I will never find the right one till I let go of the wrong one. I have just ended my relationship with him. I realize I have to stop feeding the “in love” to preserve my own sanity. Remaining friends was not an option. It was very painful and impossible to do as I became so emotionally entangled in him in the 3 1/2 years we’ve been together. I feel this is something that will take me a long time to fully get over. We can’t always have what our heart wants.

    Many people may say that I should have known better. I did know better, but a close friendship with him slowly started to get out of control, and before I knew it, I fell deeply in love with this man. I think at first you ignore the situation that you are in and enjoy the time that you spend with this person, because it is always surrounded by fun things and physical intimacy. As time goes on, you realize that living in secrecy is very lonely, and it is even lonelier when you realize that the whole situation is affecting who you are and has changed you as a person. You also realize that no matter what, you are not the number one priority of this man. He is not there when you have a bad day and you need someone to hold your hand, on holidays when you want to be surrounded by the people who you love the most, and to put it to the point, he is not there to experience life with you. Instead he will be with his wife. Times like this I couldn’t help but feel sad and lonely, thinking about what he might be doing at that very moment?? Is he kissing her like how he kisses me? Is he holding her like how he holds me?

    Every woman is worthy of being in a committed relationship. These are the only relationship that truly strives. Being the other woman only brings hurt, empty promises; lots of negativity and can only ruin your life in so many ways. I tried running away from reality, but it kept on chasing me. The fact that I was just the “other woman” killed me. I loved him. I loved him so much that I didn’t care how much pain I’d have to suffer to be with him. In my situation, I felt like when I tried to back away, he would come on stronger, and acknowledge the sacrifices that I made to be with him. It was my mistake to not walk away in all of those times that I had intended to do so.

    I want to point out that the “other woman” is usually not some dumb insecure person. I am a smart, professional woman who made a terrible mistake during a very vulnerable time in my life. I wish that I could take it all back and do it differently. Whatever you do in this life, you pay for it one way or another. I paid a really high price for my involvement in this relationship. People make mistakes and it doesn’t make them bad people.

    He never cared about me, never knew my favorite color, where I was from, where my favorite places were. He never gave a shit about me, except for feeding his ego. And of course, sex. He never knew my heart.

    What is forbidden is most desirable. I hope one day I will be able to look back at my life and this experience that was so profound and central to my existence will just be one chapter in a life that is much bigger, and much happier than that. All of life is a series of choices. The choices you make forms the path of your life.

    In my heart is where he’ll always be. He will always be my FRIST true love. That’s a fact I can’t change. I will forever carry some battle scars from the past but hope someday it’ll fade. Life, I’ve learnt, it is what you make it and it as good as you want it to be.

    All good things DO come to an end.

    Time will heal. All I know is that I’m going to be ok.

  359. 359
    Anonymous Says:

    It’s so funny reading how naive all the “other women” sound. My husband has been having an affair for 18 months. When he kept sneaking around with her, I kicked him out. She thinks he moved in with her because he “chose” her. He has since moved back in twice more and again, both times I kicked him right back out again because he was unwilling to sever contact with the other woman. So both times she took him back in and she thinks it was his choice and that he couldn’t stand to be away from her. I also know of several lies that he has told her to justify things and she has fallen for it hook line and sinker and thinks I’m the only one he’s lied to. All of you other women out there, some who I’m pleased to see show remorse and others who continue to justify their actions and vilify the evil wife who didn’t meet his needs; just stop to question whether your infatuation with this married man is clouding your judgement and whether he chose to be with you, or took that option because his wife dumped his sorry ass….
    My OW is convinced my husband would never lie to her and I just think it’s so funny that she thinks she won some prize.
    Also, there is another wife on here that says she’s watched her husband deteriorate over 18 months. I can honestly say the same thing. He was always such a happy guy and since he has been involved with his OW, I’ve watched his health and happiness deteriorate. And it will continue to decline….there is no happy ending for him. This OW is going to be nothing but a huge regret to him soon enough.

  360. 360
    Anonymous Says:

    I married the wrong man. I knew I did the day I was married. He was a GREAT man, great dad, and good person in his core so I looked past most of the lack of real attraction and awkward sex life. We lived this way for 12 years. Never having sex and when we did it was extremely uncomfortable. It was like sleeping with your brother. He lacked the confidence to speak up about his needs, and I was terrified to tell him he wasn’t meeting mine because he would crumble. Short version of a long story, I met another married man. I sought it out. I found it online. He was married, I was married. Both in the exact situation. Only his wife was a shut in with major anxiety.
    We thought we had the perfect set up. Both of us had something to lose and something to gain. We both gave up our needs to take care of the other person’s well being and emotional health, but found it in one another. So we thought. We fell in love. Real love. Not this affair fog. Believe me I spent hours researching this subject, as a matter of fact, I could teach a class on it.
    Long story short, we both couldn’t bare to “take care of” our spouses any longer. We both tried. We split trying to work on our relationships, but having the taste of another person not “needing” us was too great. Everytime we went back to our spouses it felt like a compromise of personal self and needs. We both left. Did trial separation and tried to move forward.
    Well the affair came out on his side, and it blew up. He pulled back. Lost friends and wanted to maintain a friendship with a woman he was with for 12 years. As we tried to be together and mingle our lives. He could not move forward. No matter what I did, no matter how much I gave. I was the perfect girlfriend, trying to be everything I wasn’t in my marriage and embracing the new sense of being a renewed sexual person and getting what I gave. Only I wasn’t. He never let go. 18 months later and I still had not met a soul in his life. Although they lived separately, he still went to see her weekly for drinks and dinner to hang out. They filed divorce papers, but still were seeing one another. All the while, he lied to me every time he saw her. So our trust depleted.
    TO summarize, even if you actually DO LOVE each other. Even if you really married the wrong person, until you meet someone who is actually SINGLE and past the emotional journey of recognizing you married the wrong person or are unhappy enough to cheat, run in the opposite direction. I assure you, my scenario was as real as it got. If what we had couldn’t get him to move past his mistake of marrying the wrong person. No situation will. You have no idea the pain you are putting yourself through. As long as he has the best of both worlds, he will never let it go. Especially if she didn’t want to let go after finding out about the affairs. People do to you what you let them. Period.
    I hope this helps someone. And for those who judge me .. . go away, not like I don’t know my actions were cowardly and wrong. But you don’t know what it is like when you literally are responsible for someone else’s happy and they rely on you for their sense of self. Especially when they are a good person. Walk a mile. . . .

  361. 361
    Anonymous Says:

    Other woman cannot break a marriage. Other woman, or a man, brings a happiness to a person who was unhappily married. You want to believe she took away your loving husband? Well, if it makes you feel better do so, but the truth is that, there was no love, passion, or happiness in your marriage. Your husband left you? blame yourself. The other woman is not obligated to care about your happiness, you are. We all are selfish. I love a married man and I never acted out on my feelings. I wish I did. If you don’t like me, it is okay, I will survive. Chances are if you are reading this, your husbands don’t like you very much.

  362. 362
    Anonymous Says:

    I entered a relationship with a married man when I graduated from college. When I first met him, I felt immediate attraction. Several hours later he tells me that he is separated from his wife “who has moved on” and has a toddler. He then proceeds to tell me that this is “his truth” and he “would understand” if I walk away at that moment. I could not believe what just happened. I was already “entranced” by him. I made a face of disgust of the situation ,and when he walks away, I couldn’t believe what I said- “No. Wait. It’s O.K.”. No it wasn’t o.k. Am I so desperate for companionship? I said I wouldn’t ever get involved with a married man and here I am offering myself as sacrifice.
    We eventually married two years later. I was always jealous of his ex, because I thought she had not moved on- even though she had several relationships before and after my affair with him.
    Bottom line, we got married. His ex-mother in law would call me a witch. I later found out that her daughter left him because he was physically abusive and cheated with many. I took the verbal abuse from his ex mother in law because I felt I deserved it. My family disowned me, but they did not know that he was abusing me verbally and physically on a daily basis, a week after I moved in with him. I wanted to leave, but felt trapped with no where else to go. Mind you , I still had feelings for him, waiting for “the sweet guy I met at a party” (him) would return. These moments were too few and in between. I got pregnant three years later after we met. This was a surprised because I thought I couldn’t get pregnant. (I was allergic to prophylactics and the pill would send me to the hospital with severe nausea and headaches. So, I stopped taking this the year I met him and did not get pregnant.)But, I did. He told me to have an abortion. I refused. I wanted to keep this child , but not him. He continued cheating on me and all types of women would come to the house trying to contact him. I wanted him out but he wouldn’t leave. I did not want anyone to know what went so wrong. His ex mother in law tells me one day, when picking up his son for a visit; “I tell my daughter not to worry because , you are pregnant now and life will make you pay.” She said this in front of my now husband and he then shrugs his shoulders and says to me “That’s between you and her. Not my problem.”
    He quit his job on the first day of my maternity leave and left me at the hospital to go while giving birth, to meet his new girlfriend.
    He ignored our son when I returned from the hospital and proceeded with his abuse in front of our son. He even threatened to kill our son the first week I brought him home because I was busy attending to him.
    A year later, I met a lady from my job who obviously knew something was wrong because of the little things I would say. She gave me a card with a domestic hotline number and told me to call. (This was in the mid 80s.) I called one day he wasn’t home and was given good information on the cycle of violence.
    I had to learn to stop blaming myself , but it was hard. When my son turned one, I placed a restraining order on my husband and sought full custody. He pleaded not to do this, more because he didn’t want to look bad in front of his family. But, I did. Apparently, I was the first woman in his life to place a restraining order on him (Many came after from other women after we divorced.)
    I raised my son on my own. It was hard at times. His father would come to see him every one or two years for 10 minutes or so. promised to take him out, but wouldn’t. Meanwhile his first son, lived a few blocks away from us and he would pick him up every weekend. Bottom line he was punishing our son because one day I decided to say “no more”. He even told me that was the reason and how his family will never forgive me.
    My son is 25 now. He came out to me recently. I was in shock. He is quiet , but very masculine in his ways. I thought this is my fault because I did not “force” the courts for him to visit our son and he needed a male figure to bond with. I told him it was O.K., but the truth is that it is hard for me to accept this. (I think he knows this.)I never re-married or dated after his father. I didn’t want to. I was done with relationships, but oddly content to be by myself.
    I remembered how his ex- mother in law said that “life will make me pay” for being with a married man.
    I often wonder, “Is life requesting payback through my son being gay?”

  363. 363
    Anonymous Says:

    I’m ruined beyond repair… I don’t know what to do… I don’t know how to move from here…The pain… It’s just more than I can bear… I’m so close to giving up… I’m so close…

  364. 364
    Anonymous Says:

    To #363 I am #357 above. I made it through this past year … you will make it through this next year. Don’t give up and don’t talk to your AP it will just make it worse, trust me. Move on and start a new life.

    I never really lost touch with my AP.

    I run into her at networking events in my home town, I see her on the sidewalk, and we have mutual friends. But after six months of ignoring one another we broke down (or maybe I broke down her resolve) and we hooked up again and talked and met freely for four months.

    The four months we were speaking hurt me greatly and sent me back a long way.

    I wish I lived in a big city where I could never see her again. Here I see her everywhere. But I am not giving up I am continuing on my track of putting my marriage back together and living my life.

    But is so very very hard to live without her in my life. Because she came back to me I am no longer wanting to hurt myself, I know she loves me and we do what we do for the children. I hang onto this good that came from having her back for four brief months. And I retain the fools hope that someday I will have a life with her.

    I still count down the days until her 5 year plan is up (yes I am pathetic.)

    Just move on with your life, move on and don’t talk to your AP or anyone they are close to. Put up walls and have a life. This is harder than breaking up with single lovers. I don’t know why but I am heartbroken beyond belief and yet I still hope, long, for her return over one year later.

    The good news is that the pain is not as intense as it was. When I am sober I can bear it, when I have had one too many it comes back on me like a flood. I drink to forget which reminds me of my love for her.

    I love her so much I don’t know what to do.

    But I am still alive and therefore there is hope …

  365. 365
    Anonymous Says:

    To all the Other Woman out there, stopping telling yourself that you are not a home wrecker. You doing that because bottom of your heart knows you are exactly the home wrecker you try to convince yourself not. And stop use love as an excuse, cause love build upon other human beings pain is not real love but selfishness. And until one day you become the one got cheated by your husband/wife the person you trusted most in the world even put your life in their hands, you have no idea what’s the meaning of real pain and betrial. YOU have NO idea

  366. 366
    Anonymous Says:

    Speaking from experience of being the “Other Man” I can honestly agree with all the emotions the OP has listed.

    I was involved with a married woman 14 years ago and after the ragged end of our 3 year affair I then went on to get married myself and be faithful to the same woman for 9 years. Whereas my ex lover went on to have several more affairs in the same time period.

    Those being cheated on may not like to hear this but the problem lies with your cheating spouse not the other man/woman. If it was not that particular individual they were/are cheating on you with it would be someone else because they simply do not value you or your marraige enough to say “No and walk away.

    Do not be under the rather childish notion that the other man/woman tempted your spouse away from you kicking and screaming because usually your spouse was the one instigating things as it was in my case. At the very least they are open to the suggestion of cheating on you which if they was fully happy with you they would not be.

    I’m sorry if the above sounds harsh and it does not aim to condone and excuse the behaviour of the other man/woman and I myself have to admit that I was just as guilty as my married mistress in continuing our affair for my own selfish needs at the time as well. However I learnt from that mistake where it seems she did not.

  367. 367
    Anonymous Says:

    The remarks left here by the OW is mind blowing. I guess you never really understand the damage in the wake of an affair until you yourself are walking in those shoes. I have been married for 21 yrs, we have 6 children together. I guess i did know something was really wrong but dealing with 6 kids and fighting cancer your mind is not fine tuned to see threw all the bullshit. My husband is a truck driver (5 yrs), he has had numerous affairs over the last 21 yrs and in the last 5 he just checked out. I thought it was his new job since he was only home 8 days a month. He reconnected with an ex gf from 30 yrs ago who is also married. I was in and out of the hospital, when he was home he would fight to leave the house. The verbal an psycological abuse was full on, stopped all financial help for HIS home, manipulating the kids. Taking the kids to LA with him under the pretext of seeing cousins but was taking them to her house. Im still home or in hospital. I couldnt understand what was going on? After that affair ended he went on s string of affairs, The last piece of cake got him hook line and sinker. I heard everything from how bad a mother i am to how I was a mitake and desevered no respect.
    These men LIE!!! Sometimes there is a good wife and mother on the other side of that husband who is being abused and manipulated along with his children for the sake of the affair. We are the collateral damage in its wake. He was telling his affair partners & everyone conected to them that i didn’t love him anymore, that i was sleeping around( with uterine cancer? ), I was a drug addict. I was an unloving wife who didnt want him cause he was poor. All that time he refused to take me with them. ALL BULLSHIT!!! its all bullshit! If a man has to go that far for a piece of ass and destroy everything that at one time meant everything to him, something is wrong with HIM. I am a damn good woman & have been a damn good wife.
    Now I cant get him to leave my house. Now hes DISCOVERED that he went crazy and didnt know what he was doing, He loves me and wants his family? I cannot stress enough the damage and pain caused by selfishness, It destroys all things pure an innocent. He is no longer the man I married, I cannot look at him and not see the taint of evil in there. How someone could do this to another & there kids is beyond me but its not love…love is not selfish its selfless and giving. I cannot nor will I stay with my husband, I have seen who he really is and what he is capable of doing. I do blame the OW but I put this squarely where it belongs, on Him.
    For the OW, hes all bullshit. Every word he utters to everything he does is calculated. Calculated to get what he wants. He is living a fantasy and the illusion is that he has everything under control. I am left picking up the pieces of a destroyed life that was so lovingly built by 2 people. It was all bullshit, my marriage was bullshit.I am left trying to figure out how the hell I got here and loved a man that could never completly love me. I pray for death ever day just so i stop hurting and dont have to look at my kids an see the pain in their faces. Think twice about what you are contributing to his bullshit.

  368. 368
    Anonymous Says:

    to #361 What a selfish attitude! Wives who are being cheated on don’t expect you to care about their happiness, only to act like a decent human being. Decent people don’t have affairs with people who are married. You obviously have no self respect if you feel it’s ok! Get your own husband. Although it’s true that other women can’t break a marriage, they can do a lot of damage. Tell yourself what you need to, to feel better about yourself, but decent people will back off of someone who is married.

  369. 369
    Anonymous Says:

    I was the other woman. We met at work and my affair partner’s wife found out 1 year into the affair. He told his wife that he ended it with me and left his job to work an hour away from me, but we continued the affair for the next 2 years without her knowledge. He would tell me that since she found out about the affair their marriage was strained. They did try to work it out but she was so horrible to him and controlled him. He told me they eventually slept in separate rooms and were never intimate. During in the 2 years after she found out about his affair she had kicked him out of the home and he went to live with his parents for a short time then she asked him to come back home until she’d kick him out again. This happened 3 or 4 times. Then she filed for divorce. A year after they separate he brought me out into the open. His mum, dad,brother’s and friends loved me because they always knew the marriage was doomed even before I came into the picture. They said she was a controlling woman and he was under the thumb with her. His family never blamed me for their marriage ending and they welcomed me with open arms and still do today 10 years later and we got engaged in 2010. In 2012 I sold my home and we built a new home using all the money from the sale of my home and taking out a mortgage to pay the remainder. In the last few years his ex wife and I had become friends, weird hey. She would come over and I would go over to her place like 2 girlfriends. I guess I just wanted peace and for this kids to be happy. His kids love me and I love them……but… as they say past behaviours predicts future behaviours……I found out in May 2013 he was having an affair with a co-worker. It destroyed me. I confronted her twice to back off etc… and I even started hitting her. Now I felt like the betrayed spouse. This is my karma and I deserve all the hurt. I bugged his car, brief case, put a GPS tracker on his car, this is how I found out where she lived and I went to her home and confronted her. She is nothing special. She is 47 but looks 60. I am 44 and thin and people tell me I look in my mid 30’s. I guess that doesn’t mean much. My fiancé say’s she listens to him and understands him… yeah, yeah…blah, blah, blah… She doesn’t have 4 young children to look after on top of working 40 hours a week and, cooking meals, doing laundry etc….
    At the moment he told the affair is over, but I don’t believe it one bit. I have caught him 8 times with her since 2013 and the last time was March this year, but I know he has been over to her place because I find her dog’s pet hair on his clothes… we don’t have pets. Sometimes I bring it up, sometimes I keep my mouth shut, to avoid an argument. It will only drive him to her. I still do everything for him and we are still intimate, but he has chosen to sleep in the spare bedroom since January this year and it’s killing me. I still have hope we can work it out, but I have to give him his space…but I don’t know if I can cope anymore or if I will ever trust him. But I do love him whole heartedly.

    My reason for my story… never believe the married man you are having an affair with, he will lie to his partner and to his affair partner. He will play the both of you because he is selfish. The only reason he is with me today, is because he ex-wife filed for divorce and he came running back to me. Then our fantasy life ended and it was a reality, bills, mortgage, chores, etc….. He got bored again and moved on to have another affair… and so the cycle goes… he will eventually cheat on you as it is in his nature. He likes to think he still has it and to build his ego.

    My best to you

  370. 370
    Anonymous Says:

    In this age where we all have experienced clearly that no situation or relationship or marriage is fool proof. The people who have commented here are one of the ‘Tags’ socially recognized like ‘the other woman’, ‘The wife’, “the married man’ and so on.

    Marriage is a crumbling institution. It rightfully stands for reproduction, inheritance and property. If I am married, I may worry about a cheating husband. I was. If I am staying with a married guy I will hate that he is not divorcing his wife and marrying me.

    I realized in every situation we fool only ourselves, whoever we are and whatever we are doing. I was an unhappy wife, unhappy cheater in marriage and also probably am an unhappy other woman. My happiness was NEVER dependent on the man, the nature of relationship or what others thought of me. I decided to let the relationships flow in life and I chose to be happy for me.

    That is the only solution there is to all these confusions. I took care of my needs n loved myself, then I didnt bother what the man is doing. If he is meant to stay, he will or he will fuck off. Its not something I wish to spend time worrying on.
    The man is never better than the woman. The woman, in her quest to impress her man, learns to cook, love, be patient, tolerant, learns great massaging techniques. This woman can move on and offer this invaluable learning to anyone else who deserves her incase her current relationship does not work out.

    Why the hoo haa of how things should be? We are humans and we create great works of art, novels and movies by all the things we ARE NOT supposed to do.

    Somewhere I trust the universe to be a greater nonjudgemental judge of how things will happen.

    Just go with the flow. And rememeber, your happiness is your own prerogative even if it is hidden in someone else’s arms. Be true to what you need and go get it. None of these things will bother you again.

    Just know yourself.

  371. 371
    Anonymous Says:

    I used to be very anti the OW or OM and then I became the OW and I have a whole different perspective.
    I was in a very unhappy marriage with a man who was abusive and cheated constantly and I just kept on trying thinking things would get better. I then met my married man and we hit off immediately (a very strong chemistry) or maybe just both enjoying sex and affection when it was absent in our marriages. It has been going for about 4 months and it gave me the strength to end the disastrous marriage that I was in. He initially broke up with his partner, but then they made up. I don’t really care what happens, if they stay together, I will probably end it in a matter of months. I have already lost some of the spark, because I am not attracted to men who are married and it is becoming apparent that they won’t break up soon, if ever. I am just thankful this opportunity has come along to set me free from the tyranny of my marriage and I don’t feel guilt towards her as she cheated on him earlier on. Realistically, I think their relationship is also flawed because of both of their cheating, but I am not the one to decide what they will do.

  372. 372
    Anonymous Says:

    Where do I begin…I already know…it was a selfish, stupid decision…no, I didn’t set out to hurt anyone, including myself, but I am woman enough to admit the part I played in this affair. It started about 6 months ago…my husband and I had become very distant and disconnected over the last 15 years, almost as if we were merely existing in the same orbit, instead of being in a committed marriage…I am not saying that as an excuse, it is just a fact…

    I met a MM online…we connected by commiserating over the issues we were dealing with in our marriages…I felt so alone in my marriage…I guess I just wanted to vent to someone else who felt the same way…over the next couple of months, this MM and I were communicating daily by email…he gave me his phone number and told me to call him anytime…

    Within weeks, we met in person for dinner at a restaurant…it was nice having a man be chivalrous and caring, things I severely missed getting from my husband…I know now that I should have been turning to my husband for such affections, but I got caught up in that whirlwind feeling…when he hugged me after our first meeting, we both felt something spark…

    When we had sex the first time, I didn’t feel any regret…and that shocked me…I questioned myself, wondering if I had truly lost my damned mind, risking it all for something that I now realize is a fantasy…

    Over the course of this affair, he told me that his wife was pregnant…and as callous as that sounds, that fact didn’t stop either one of us from being together…I tried to tell myself that the less I knew about his home life, the better for me…I didn’t let him into my home life that much, either….he knew I was married and had kids, but I made it a point not to divulge too much in case he got all “Fatal Attraction” on me…throughout the course of the affair, part of me wanted to end it, because of the hurt and pain we were causing our families, but the attraction just kept pulling me toward him…I had several lapses in judgment that I know I will have to pay for….

    The breaking point came after we met again for lunch last Friday…we spent all afternoon together, enjoying each other’s company…we made plans to meet up this week, but God intervened…his wife was hospitalized on Tuesday due to complications in her pregnancy…he sent me a text stating that they would have to take the baby early and that he was going “off the grid” for a little while to deal with his family situation, but he still wanted to be with me….it was at that point something snapped in me…I berated myself for sleeping with this man, especially when innocent lives were literally at stake…I didn’t even bother to respond to the text, chalking it up to God finally showing me the light and giving me the proverbial bitch-slap that I needed to end this affair…

    I hate what I have done to my husband, my children, and even to his wife and children…I never meant for this to happen…I let my common sense go out the window and carried on like a 15 year old with her first crush…I confessed the affair to my husband and surprisingly, he is willing to forgive me…we are seeking counseling to work on our marriage and I am putting every effort into repairing the cracks in our marriage, so that this never happens again…I know I will be judged, but that’s ok…there’s nothing that anyone could say that I haven’t already said to myself….as much as I miss the spark and excitement that came with the affair, it is just not worth losing everything that I value in my life…

  373. 373
    Anonymous Says:

    Let me share my story of how cheaters, be they married spouses, other women, other men etc. have caused or are in the process of causing havoc and devastation with not only my life but with the lives of two other adults and six combined children in this past year. This time last year I would never have imagined I would be even looking at a website like this let alone sending a comment with my story. Life seemed to be relatively normal and blissful. However, at the very beginning of this year my wife started acting strange in our relationship and out of nowhere said she wanted to separate. Don’t get me wrong our marriage like any other was not perfect and a bed of roses but when I say that it was due to the things that most families go through such as stressing about finances from time to time etc. We had been married for 15 years and have two beautiful daughters and in general everyone seemed happy and content. Obviously I was not providing my wife with all she needed in some respects or this would not have happened but in hindsight she has a narcisstic personality and I believe now and looking back on things that she always only cared and thought truly about one person….herself. I’m not perfect myself…like any other human I have my imperfections but I always did what was right by both my wife and family and provided for and chipped in with chores and other items needed to run a family and it’s household probably more so than other men I know. I would never have contemplated cheating on my wife or leaving my children for another woman other than their mother. I’m not a wife beater or anything close to that….just a hard working honest guy with morals I should add. Anyway, after my wife asked for a separation I was dumbfounded. I did not see it coming. I tried to get her to go to counseling and to work through the issues to save our marriage and family but she refused point blank. She kept insisting I prepare a separation agreement for her to sign before she would move out. I gave her multiple agreements but she always seemed to baulk at signing one. This went on for months. I finally became suspicious that there was more to this than meets the eye as I could tell that there was some greed involved as she was trying to get the absolute most out of this agreement as she could. So I started doing my own bit of PI work and low and behold I found out the truth. She had been having (and still is) an affair with another married man. I came to find out he himself has two daughters. He left his wife before I myself found out about the affair and had moved into his own place…a place where he and my wife could “hook up”. He never told his own wife the reason why he left her and after I spoke with her as time went by she told me that he insisted there was no one else involved and that was not the reason he was leaving her and his own children. His wife and children were in a similar state of turmoil to me and my girls. Once I knew the truth and informed his wife of it I finally was able to start moving forward. I got an attorney involved to have my wife removed from the home (in my state you can do that for adultery if they won’t move out voluntarily)through the court system. It became clear that she was refusing to move all along because she was hoping to claim alimony and as much other support as she could get but she would have a harder time getting this if the truth of the matter came to light. If she had moved out with an agreement in place and without my knowledge of the affair she could then have said she had met her “new man” after the agreement was in place and I could not have done anything about it. The way it turned out she will not receive any alimony or post separation support payments from me thankfully. I have already dealt with that in the court system. I’m not divorced yet….unfortunately in the State I live in you have to be legally separated for one full year before you can file for a divorce. I’m only half way through that period now. If my wife had been honest and likewise the married man had been honest with his own wife from the get go and moved out of the family homes at the beginning of all of this we (the jilted spouses) could be almost at the end of this one year system and allowed to carry on and pick up the wreckage of our lives. But my story gets even more bizarre….it’s like lightening struck twice for me in the space of a year. Once I knew the truth about what my wife had done any love for her I had dissipated. It was replaced with anger and bitterness for how she had destroyed her family and also that of another family. She had no qualms about taking another womans husband remember. I just wanted to move on with my life as best I could until I could get the divorce final after the one year period. I actually started to do so. Besides all the stresses involved with the previous months I realized there was no point in looking back and it was time to move forward. I by chance met what appeared to be a wonderful woman. She herself had just come out of her own divorce. She had been married for 18 years and thankfully had no children that could have been affected by her own marriage break up. We developed a relationship for the past two months. It was probably not the wisest time for me to get into a relationship but it just happened and it was like a breath of fresh air. I will admit that I started to feel myself falling in love with her but I was certainly not going to run full steam into another “heavy” relationship. It was nice to just have time with another woman and share some laughs with again in life. Then this woman dropped a bombshell….she herself had developed a relationship after her own marriage break up with an old friend of hers who lived on the opposite coast of the country. This guy she was involved with was also married with two children. She told me she would never be with him unless he left his wife and apparently he has decided to do so. She is at this point in time preparing to totally up sticks and relocate to move 3,000 miles to be with this married man whose own wife by the way is as of now blissfully unaware that he is about to leave her and his family. She apparently has no idea he is in this relationship. I tried to tell this woman about the devastation she and this married man are going to cause to yet another family. She doesn’t seem to care. She said she can’t live with regrets. My point of telling my story is to relay the state of shock to be honest that I’m in as regards society and it’s morals anymore. I have read statistics which typically say that maybe 10% of married men will leave their families for another woman and yet in my own personal experience of the past year I have been directly affected by two such cases where they did leave (or are about to leave). The odds seem so slim of it happening once but to be personally affected by it twice makes me think I should play the lottery!! I have also read numerous posts about these women who carry out such affairs. I don’t know what to think anymore. These men are complete *ssholes for ripping their own families and those of others apart but these women who join them are equally complicit. In my story relayed here there are three jilted spouses (one whom doesn’t even know this train is coming yet) and 6 children left to pick up the pieces of shattered lives….lives that never will be the same again I imagine from all of this devastation wrought by these men and women. I have never felt at such a low ebb in my life….and it’s mainly because my faith in my fellow man and woman has been shattered. Morals and values appear to have gone out the window and it’s a “me, me, me” society anymore it appears where instant self gratification wins over the havoc their actions will cause to others lives. I’m posting this in the hope that any married man or woman who is having an affair or lover of either may read this and possibly consider stopping what they are involved in and taking time out to pause and reflect on the consequences of their actions for other people. If it may stop one person and save one family then it will have been worth it.

  374. 374
    Anonymous Says:

    I got involved as the Other Woman in this affair. I’m rereading my old messages to him because in short time, I will be giving these to his wife. We have been in communication since a few days ago. I reached out to her because for someone who was separating/divorcing, his back and forth business was confusing me. In fact so many things confused me. He would claim it was a loveless marriage… and then that he loved me so much … and would divorce her and marry me… all before we even did that step. However, she had discovered the affair a month in and had tried to reach out to me. He told me she was just being crazy and it was about money and they really did live in separate rooms. I believed him instead of calling back. He started playing this insane back and forth game. Maybe I was just meant to be a short affair for him and he had no intentions of leaving her like he had claimed. But he left my home after moving in (to force her to reconcile) and I figured out he was there though he claimed otherwise. So finally, I asked her… i contacted and asked her what was her take… were they not separating… and the truth was revealed. He has no one now.

    Sometimes I feel like I was in this fog and no that does NOT justify my horrific actions in this. IN fact, this is a burden and stain on my soul that I’ll be in confessional in for a long time to come. But, I will do my best to help her now. it is the only right thing I can think of doing because… it just is.

    i was such a fool… and a horrible person… above posting is about the state of morals, yeah I agree… I guess we get caught up in these movie romances and books. We forget reality. And sometimes, we just want someone to love us and they feed us that attention and desire, we forget and throw away consequences because of wanting to just live.

    But that life is NOT living. It is a LIE. and I urge any OW to get out, get out now. He is lying to you! You are no different than another ‘bitch’ and ‘whore’ on the street. He doesn’t respect his wife, he doesn’t respect you, and you probably already see what he thinks of his ‘crazy exes’ and women in general.

  375. 375
    Anonymous Says:

    I’ve been involved in an ongoing off-again/on-agan affair with an ex-coworker. When I met him 10 years ago, he was with his current fiancee, and I was engaged.. We both broke off our relationships, only to have him break my heart and not finalize a relationship with me. A few years later, we hooked up again, he broke my heart again. That happened another time a few years later, and now, for the past 6 weeks we have been having sex and cheating on our significant others. He cheats with me whenever he is with this particular woman.. And now, they have a child and they are expecting another one (he is not aware that I know this). Obviously I have some self-esteem issues.. I know I should be ending this, I just can’t find the strength. I just wish I knew whether he has any kind of emotional feelings or attachment to me.

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Susan Berger is a Marriage and Family Therapist in San Francisco, CA and Walnut Creek, CA (lic. # MFC21193) | 121 Clement St, San Francisco, CA 94118 | 1415 Oakland Blvd, Ste. 100, Walnut Creek, CA 94596
photography by Bethanie Hines