About Affairs

14 Mar

Can Relationships That Start as Affairs Succeed…Revisited

I have just come across clarification on a statistic I cited in “Can Relationships That Start as Affairs Succeed?” In that post I stated that 25% of relationships that start as affairs succeed. I always thought that sounded a bit high. Recently this figure has been clarified by Frank Pittman. In the study he is citing, the divorce rate among those who married their lovers was 75%.  Information is not available about the quality of the 25% of marriages that did not end in divorce.  The study did provide information on the reasons that the marriages ended…

Why So Many Divorces?

Five reasons were cited for the high divorce rate.

Affairs relationships are usually protected from the stresses of everyday life. In fact, they can frequently be experienced as escapes from these stressors. Once every day reality intrudes, the relationship becomes much more difficult.

Guilt about the affair undermines the foundation of the relationship.

Lovers can develop unrealistic expectations about each other based on the “honeymoon” experience of their affair.

The partner who went outside of his or her own marriage is now not really trusted by the new partner.

Either or both partners can hold a distrust of marriage in general.

How Often do Those Who Divorce Marry Their Affair Partner?

Jan Halper conducted a study of male high achievers (executives, entrepreneurs, professionals) and found that only 3% of the 4,100 men surveyed who had affairs eventually married their lovers.

Unfortunately, this is the only survey available on this topic.

306 Responses to “Can Relationships That Start as Affairs Succeed…Revisited”

  1. 1
    Anonymous Says:

    I read somewhere that only 10% of people entering an affair end up leaving their spouses. The percentage you quoted is based on those who actually ended up getting married from an affair relationship, so all of them belong to that 10%. Even if everyone who left their spouse ended up marrying their affair partner, only 25% of that 10% will stay married. Which to me translates into – if you are entering an affair relationship, there is only 2.5% chance (25 x 0.1)you will end up marrying and staying married to your affair partner. Maybe that’s why 25% sounds high to you, 2.5% is a better number.

    BTW, how long a follow up was the study? – How many years did the 25% remain married at the end of the study? 2 years? 5 years? 10 years? life? Of course, longer it is, more meaningful it is.

  2. 2
    Anonymous Says:

    I’d love to know the answers to this. We all know people that got married to an affair partner but most agree the likelihood of it lasting is far more remote. There is probably a curve at which the chances of success start creeping back up after a certain time. I would think a marriage stemming from an affair might have its toughest days in the first few years as the money, kids, ex’s, awakening from fantasyland… etc.. start to occur.

  3. 3
    Anonymous Says:

    Add in Age differences (13 yrs she is older), trust issues, if they met on a rebound from a previous ending affair, and how many times they had an affair on the spouse before they met their new lover. now it will be like winning the lottery. And let us not forget how many past marriages they had.

  4. 4
    Anonymous Says:

    You have over a 60% chance of a failed marriage anyway, so of course that figure goes up slightly (15%) obviously due to trust issues, but I believe there are respectable people out there who actually learn from their experiences in life with regards to love & can indeed succeed. The success stories aren’t the people spending their time commenting on these issues because they are happy in their relationships. Sometimes great love involves great risk, like anything else in life.

  5. 5
    Anonymous Says:

    @ Comment 4. I agree that sometimes it does work. However, the 75% divorce rate is that of affair partners who marry each other. Only, at best, 10%, and at worst, 3% of affair partners do marry each other. In a theoretical sense, one would think that those who have been through all of that would be the ones who REALLY love each other, the ones who were willing to leave their spouse, and perhaps their kids to live with their true love. Yet, the divorce rate suggests that even that is not enough.

    Again, there are exceptions to every rule. Some people fall from heights and live. I don’t recommend it as a path to happiness, though.

  6. 6
    Anonymous Says:

    I’m not even sure that these statistics can be very sturdy.
    I mean, come on, not many people would actually admit that their new relationship started as an affair.

    I have been having an affair for 6 months, if we were ever to leave our spouses I’m pretty sure that neither of us would admit to colleagues, family, friends that we’d been having an affair.
    Instead I’d give it a little while and then start the new relationship publicaly without admiting that it had, in fact, been going on for a while.

    Surely that’s what most people would do?

  7. 7
    Anonymous Says:

    I kind of agree with comment 2. I’ve been the other guy for three years now and soon it will all be worth while. We love each other. We’ve both pushed ourselves to an extreme I would never do again. We’ve had our hard times in the beginning and I’m not assuming that it’ll be smooth sailing from here. I do believe we’re almost through the first part of a really tough emotional ordeal, but we’ve done it and proved how far you’ll push yourself for someone you love.

  8. 8
    Anonymous Says:

    Why do people even get married?

  9. 9
    Anonymous Says:

    We have KNOWN each other for three years he was married for 20 me for fifteen He has no kids is a history teacher and coach for high school I have 4 boys 19 17 15 and 10 we both left he has been out for 2 years me almost 1 we live together handled everyrhing very carfully and discreet he is 45 I am 39 so
    Four years later we live together after our long term affair madly inlove still what r our chances of survival?

  10. 10
    Anonymous Says:

    Any of you who are bragging about your affairs and how “in love” you are disgust me. Cheaters are nothing more than dishonest, selfish individuals who probably suffer from some level of self-loathing. It is cruel and hurtful to betray your spouse by having an affair with someone else. Anyone who is OK with hurting someone this way is a pathetic human being. Infidelity is WRONG. Grow up and learn to have mature adult relationships because it is NOT all about you!

  11. 11
    Anonymous Says:

    At the “disgusted” comment, #10. Why is having an affair the WORST thing one can do? What if the affair follows years of abstinence in the marriage, or years of emotional abandonment and verbal abuse? Everyone deserves love, and sometimes people don’t want to leave because of children or finances, or fear of change. Not everyone who cheats is the villain, sometimes they are responding to a failed marriage. Having to almost double your income to support two households is damn tough in this day and age.

  12. 12
    Anonymous Says:

    I had an affair , only to find out that she have an onother affair with an old friend , second time that i know of , she always end up having affairs with husbands of friends , if i never met her in the first place my life would be much better , but my marriage of 25 years was mostly unhappy , i did stay only for my children.I think any affair only bring a lot of pain to everyone , everybody gets hurt .

  13. 13
    Anonymous Says:

    I would like to see a discussion on Narcissistic Personality Disorder related to affairs. I have discovered that my H, who has had a 4 year long affair, suffers from this disorder. I saw all of the signs for years, but never was able to put the whole picture together until I started doing research to help myself to be able to understand and deal with my H. It was like a light bulb went off in my head when I began reading about this personality disorder. ALL of the signs were there! All of them. My marriage, for all intents and purposes is over now, but we are still co-habitating for financial reasons. I still have to deal with my H on a daily basis, of course, and I would like to have more information on how to survive this time in my life with as little drama as possible.

    BTW…his affair partner dumped him too. She is living with another man in her house now. Supposedly to help her financially…but my H is really grieving his relationship with her. He doesn’t know that I am aware of all of this, but the narcissist in him is having one hell of a time dealing with being dumped for another man. HELP!!!

  14. 14
    Anonymous Says:

    #12…
    Are you out of the marriage now or have you chosen to stay for the children? I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. You remind me of a friend of mine. You are right, everyone gets hurt when there is an affair. It’s so toxic!!!

  15. 15
    Anonymous Says:

    At comment 11 :

    Are you freaking KIDDING ME?

    If your marriage is sex-starved the FIX it or END it. Infidelity is a SLEAZY way to deal with your needs not being met to your satisfaction.

    If your spouse is ABUSIVE or VIOLENT then having an AFFAIR is NOT the BRIGHTEST IDEA in the world now is it? Smarten up.

    Cheating to get your needs met HURTS INNOCENT PEOPLE .. INNOCENT CHILDREN.. Again I say SMARTEN UP.

    Everything you listed in comment 11 is a mess of pathetic excuses.

    If your marriage is failing you FIX IT or END IT.

    Children don’t want to grow up in homes full of lies and sleazy affair. That’s what HIGH SCHOOL is FOR! lol

    Grow up and smarten up… for the sake of EVERYONE in your HOME do that.

  16. 16
    Anonymous Says:

    To 15, your ignorant. Affairs are not just straight forward, one dynamic, sex fests. Affairs are complicated, marriages are complicated, life doesn’t work in black and white. Throwing around the term sleazy makes you sound ridiculous, like all affairs are with hookers, or some sort or morally corrupt individuals, not always the case. You honestly don’t have a clue about how life works. I suggest you grow up, and get a clue. Humans aren’t even built for monogamy, read a goddamn book. There is more at play than a couple losers hooking up. The dynamics are endless.

  17. 17
    Anonymous Says:

    I am dealing with an Affair. We were both married. We started as friends over three years ago. It grew as any natural realtionship might. I’m not sure when it became and “affair”. Was it when we fell in love? When we took it physically to the next level? I left my husband soon after it stated. He tried to leave several years ago(actually separated for 6 months) but he has kids and loves them very much and being away was too difficult. It is different being the father in a divorce situation. We are at 3 years now. He just left his Wife and we are all in pain. I agree that affairs are terrible for everyone involved. I have to say that when you are in it, it doesn’t feel like that. Right now he is taking some time to cope with a new life. Divorce is so hard, regardless of the circumstances. We want to have a healthy relationship enventually regardless of how it started. We are taking a few steps back right now so that we can start something the right way. I don’t know if we will make it. I believe that we really do love each other so I hope we do.

  18. 18
    Anonymous Says:

    my husband has been having an affair. why is he treating me so terrible when he is the quilty one? he says he has no guilt.

  19. 19
    Anonymous Says:

    My former husband had an affair and married the affair partner. Only time will tell if it will last. They are heavily in debt. I believe my ex whom I was married to for over 20 years was a narcissist. All the signs were there from the time I first started dating him. I was too young and naive at the time to realize what a skilled manipulator and liar he was. I don’t think it is ever right to cheat and lie. If you are that unhappy in your marriage get out in an honest and decent way. It is amazing to me that any marriages work after what happened in mine. Everyone needs to own their own problems cheating is just an excuse and makes everything worse. If your marriage is that bad that leave it being open and honest why it failed.

  20. 20
    Anonymous Says:

    To #18
    That is part of the affair process. My husband did the same thing to me. He treated me and our child and his family like he hated us and had/has absolutely no empathy for us and our feelings. He is trying to push you as far away from himself as he can…probably hoping that you will get fed up and just leave. I call it anti-social personality disorder. In other words, I will make your life a living hell until you do what I want. (He probably doesn’t even know what HE wants.) It’s all part of the affair process and you have to step back from it and be neutral if you are still with him. Otherwise…he will drive you crazy. Good luck! I truly understand your pain.

  21. 21
    Anonymous Says:

    To # 16. I find it rich that you are calling # 15 ignorant. In doing so you make yourself to be the ignorant one. The problem with humanity is that we are all so deluded some more than others, and in this delusion we become victims of our egoic desires, which is what affairs are all about.

    #15 has a very valid point if you are unhappy in the marriage, seeking a divorce or seeking therapy to fix the problems in the marriage is the mature and far less selfish path to take. If you have taken some time out to read other posting surely you can see that affairs hurt all concerned. You would not be trying to defend an action that is so harmful.

    On another note i am surprised how easily we throw around this word love without truly understanding what it is. It is a state of mind that embraces all our human failings, it is a state of mind that lives by the principle of “do no harm”, it embraces all our human failing as well as our strength with no judgment of good and bad.

    Any other feeling that people may express, especially for their affair partner is probably an emotional feeling of affection, lust, infactuation etc the same feelings they once had for their spouse but lets not make the mistake of confusing it with love. If you truly loved your spouse, yourself and your family you would seek to uplift not put down. You would seek behaviours that encourage the self not behaviours that destroy the self. Lets face it affairs are destructive.

  22. 22
    Anonymous Says:

    I pray for all those dealing with affairs in one way or another. I know it is not black is white…there is a gray area. Frankly most of it is, most of life is. I just feel that if you truly love someone then you would do whatever it took, even if it was unbearable-to do things you needed to make the relationship you are entering (AND EXITING) moral and worthy. If you cannot or will not end one relationship before entering the next, then would you say you truly loved that person? Love is such, that you would lie down your life for another. If you wouldn’t even allow a relationship to die, do you think you’d lay down your life for that person!? Love is a choice, not just a feeling. Best of luck to all, God Bless.

  23. 23
    Anonymous Says:

    #22 – Thank you. I recently fell into an emotional affair; it started innocently with a friend and before I knew it I was head-over heels in love with her (the other woman, or OW) and saw a real future with her.

    I knew then that my wife would never be the woman that I needed and this OW was, so in an attempt to do the right thing, I started to say my goodbyes and was doing fine until I got to my daughter, which was when reality hit and my world collapsed because I wasn’t emotionally prepared for the train that hit me. I tried to talk to the OW about it but when I did I screwed it up so badly that she thinks I rejected her and won’t even talk to me anymore. She cries every time she sees me because of all of the conflicting emotions but I can’t get her to talk or listen to an apology.

    Now I’ve lost a woman that I love very much, I’m struggling to come to terms with a failed marriage, I’m going to lose my daughter, my house and my entire financial future and any of my financial dreams.

    The only good thing that has come of this is that I have finally identified what was wrong with my marriage, which was something that I’ve been trying to figure out and admit to for years. I married the wrong woman. And all that realization has cost me is absolutely everything.

    To #10, 15, 21; please take your self-righteous high-horse act somewhere useful, like to a therapist. Your black-and-white view of the world should have died in puberty, like it did for the rest of us. Life is complicated. And I can tell you from experience just how much doing the ‘right thing’ hurts. Reality check please, I’ll dine again when this meal has finished digesting me.

  24. 24
    Anonymous Says:

    NUMBER 15….
    have you experienced any of the issues u preach about?????

  25. 25
    Anonymous Says:

    It does take an emotional corrupt person to have an affair. Marriage is a commitment and having a family is also a commitment. A partnership through life, building careers, raising a family, financial and work pressures all create stress on a relationship. Cheating doesn’t solve these issues, but it does destroy families and lives. What kind of person cheats on their spouse? What kind of person gets involved with a married person? You can’t justify this behavior and being unwilling to admit the truth to co-workers, family and friends just shows that you are ashamed of the behavior.

  26. 26
    Anonymous Says:

    affairs are awful, I am dealing with one right now, and I am the spouse being cheated on. My husband no longer hides it. what he hides behind is depression, not to say I don’t think he suffers, but he just keeps saying he can’t decide he doesn’t know what to do. We have 4 children and struggle financially. The problem I have is his unrealistic view of how life will be. He thinks we will all be great friends he doesnt think she or her 2 children will get in the way of him being a father to our children. He thinks he can just give me all his money and live off her and that won’t cause a problem. yea right! I am not dillusional and I understand that I do hold some responsibility in the failure of our marriage, however if you feel your falling in love with someone else you owe it to your spouse to do something before it gets to that point. Thats not to say there still won’t be pain because undoubtedly there will be, but it is the respectful thing to do.

  27. 27
    Anonymous Says:

    I have read all the comments here and in all aspects, in all faiths and even what is considered socially acceptable acts, adultery, infidelity is a dangerous destructive, disruptive path made by two people with no regards to themselves, their spouse or their affair partner. There is breakdown of respect, not just for the betrayed spouse but it starts with a lack of respect for the cheater themselves. All cheaters find excuses or validations to make their decisions or actions acceptable: i love my spouse but not in love with her/him, i didn’t marry the right person, i found my real soulmate, our marriage was dead anyway, people change and i found someone more compatible, the sex was dull in marriage, my spouse didn’t understand me….all of these seem plausible excuses. But that is all they are – excuses to allow the cheater to cheat. All these point to their current situation or their current mate, but nothing really points to them, to their internal issues. Their need for attention, validation, that sense of excitement for life, felling desired and wanted, all of these are sought out externally from themselves. Whether it is due to mid life crisis, a change in the family situation such as kids, a job loss or advancement – these are all triggers somehow to the self entitlement to excuse the inexcusable action of betrayal and infidelity. Even the issue if there are kids present by saying – kids will survive they are resilient fails to be convincing when you realize how many “kids” of divorce seek counseling and suffer broken relationships or lack of ability to connect in a monogamous relationship in their adult years. I am experiencing the pain of not only betrayal but abandonment as well, for myself and our two kids. I know the traumas my husband has suffered in his life and the pressures he has had at his current job where he met his then married affair partner. He always says he never meant to hurt me, which i believe and that he never imagined i would get this far which i also believe, but from the first moment he found this other woman attractive he opened a Pandora’s box he had no idea how to shut until it got to the point where this married other woman left her husband and now lives with my husband and her kids. The greatest problem of infidelity is not sex as many would think, but deception. It is all a lie, from the feelings they feel when they are in the height of their euphoric (love) passion they had not felt since teen years, to the idea that everything will work out OK. In the end every, and i mean every infidelity leaves a road of pain and hardships, brokenness, hate and sadness which no other act by a loved one could compare except for incest and rape perhaps. It is no wonder that in the commandments itself it is listed only second to murder, though in our society it is not looked upon as so heavy a “sin”. We are desensitized to the true evil of adultery and sadly, our kids will pay the price. in closing, the legacy you leave behind is all that remains…for you children, and their children and so on, what if anything do you want to leave behind when this life is done. I wish you all God’s blessings and ask those here who have admitted to adultery to step away form your feelings and take a second look at what your life has become, and make it better.

  28. 28
    Anonymous Says:

    This may not be the place for this, and forgive me as I have not read all the other posts, but I would like opinions on this subject.
    3 years ago a girl I was very close to abandoned everything that we had to “comfort” her friend’s husband (he had just found out his wife was cheating on him). She then cut all ties and became his girlfriend while she waited for his divorce and annulment (he’s catholic) to go through. She never spoke to me again and married him after 3 years, (that was a few months ago).
    Most of my friends told me that since the relationship started while he was married, and since she dropped everything to do it, that it didn’t have a good chance to last. I am, however, very arrogant and tend to think that because I have something to loose, it’ll last.
    I can’t know if they’re happy or not, I just wonder what the chances are that a relationship like that will succeed.

  29. 29
    Anonymous Says:

    @ Comment # 16 –People involved in affairs are always 100% losers.

    Every single time– no matter what the circumstance–if it involves lying and cheating–then own up to the loser title. There is no other way whatsoever to view it–period. Paragraph. End of statement.

  30. 30
    Anonymous Says:

    # 23– you are a loser still—because you shouldn’t have stayed in a failed marriage until you met someone else—you had plenty of opportunities to leave prior to meeting this “great love of your life”

    But you didnt, you stuck with the bad marriage because you didnt want to be alone–or some other lame reason—-you should have gotten out of the bad marriage once you identified it was bad——-or did you identify it was bad when you met your new exciting sex partner? Probably the latter—am I right? I think I am right.

  31. 31
    Anonymous Says:

    Agree with #30. Wife did the same to me. Claims our marriage was over 3 yrs ago. Thats awful funny she didn’t come clean then. Then she meets MARRIED Captian Save-a-Ho and all of the sudden she is not happy with me. Adultery sucks.

  32. 32
    Anonymous Says:

    I’ve been married now for eight years to the guy I had an affair with when I was twenty-one. We have had a few tough times, but no more than a normal young couple does. It’s not completely effortless, but we’re fundamentally very compatible and willing to work things out as they come up.

    I did/do feel bad about my ex– he was a good man, but we were not a very good match. I guess I married him because it seemed like the logical progression after dating for two years. Plus my grandmother was in my ear telling me that if I didn’t get married by the time I was 22, there’d be nobody left who’d want me and I’d be single FOREVER. (this might’ve been semi-true in rural Kansas in the ’60s when girls DID all get married right out of high school but it really made no sense forty years later.)

    But there was never any passion there, on either side. Passion isn’t everything, but it’s not nothing either… people talk about marriage like it’s a paying job where you must keep plugging away day after day, even if you are just going thru the motions and daily wish you could be anywhere else!

    But I think that’s a horrible way to view your single most intimate relationship.

    Sometimes I think all this hyperbolic stuff about affair-marriages is partly based on people’s belief in some kind of… inherent cosmic justice?

    I can see the appeal there, I just don’t think it has much basis in reality.

  33. 33
    Anonymous Says:

    I had an affair with my co worker. He began flirting with me in 2001. He pursued me daily. We slowly became friends. In 2007 he invited me out and thats when the affair began. In June or 2009 he told me that he felt bad about this and he wanted to work on his marriage and do the right thing. I was devastated and I knew it was for the best. Now I tried to stop this myself but he begged me not to leave him. We still work for the same company and I ignore him as much as possible. I just found out that he is having another affair. This was a slap in my face. He did not leave me to work on his marriage he left me cuz he9 was board and no longer attracted to me. affairs are not worth the pain to the family and the selfish cheaters.

  34. 34
    Anonymous Says:

    My affair started more than 3 years ago. We both left our spouses and are living together. He left more than a year ago. I left my spouse 6 months ago. His divorce is final. What he does not know is that my divorce is on hold. My husband and I have been talking alot about me moving back in. I love the man I am living with, but I keep asking myself is it worth it. I miss so much about my old life. If I stay where I am I will be financially vulnerable. If I go back home, I will be heartsick and don’t know if my husband will ever truly forgive me. I don’t know if I deserve to be forgiven. My lover lost a huge amount of his 401k and the respect of his children. How can I leave him? I am so torn that I can’t sleep, can’t function at work and have actually thought about suicide. I have extreme remorse, guilt etc. I have ruined my life and do not have any idea how to fix it. I have been going to a therapist but that does not really help. My only source of comfort is sleep and I can only do that if I take a pill. I am not a bad person. Looking back I wish I would have continued to resist him. I wonder if I will ever have a carefree moment again.

  35. 35
    Anonymous Says:

    To #34. It is quite simple really. Do you love this man or not. If you truely loved him, you would not be thinking about your husband. If you were truely happy with this man, you would get on with the life you chose. I read from your posting that all you really want is your well-being. You dont really want this man as you dont want to suffer financially, You worry that if you go back to your husband – there is a lot of hard work to do, like working on forgiveness and trust isues. you cannot have it both. Stand up and be counted….. make a choice and do the work that goes with that choice. you dont realise how lucky you are to have choices. another option is to go it alone – give them both up, find yourself, be truthful. But that would be a selfless act, something you cannot do.

  36. 36
    Anonymous Says:

    I was in a good relationship never argued as couldnt find anything to argue about,it was a good 13 year relationship,when recently he become distant said hurtful things and a complete change in personality,i had a feeling for a while that an affair had started as see lots of messages from a co worker,he left saying he didnt want to hurt me he needed space to find out what he wanted in life.I belived he was staying with a friend i have recently found out he was seeing her and it had all been lies,hes moved in with her has broken all contact with my children gone completly cold.worst of all whilst he was with her he was still contacting me took me out for a meal etc etc saying he didnt know if he wanted to come back.So he was lieing to her also,he told all his family he loved me but he wasent in love with me to excuse his behaviour as i was well aware our relationship was love before,everyone was shocked by the news of our seperation as we got on so well said we was the perfect couple.Which brings me to why he cause so much hurt and why would you leave a good relationship he even said to me it was agood happy relationship but all good things come to an end.All i feel now is betrayed anger and hurt affairs are toxic,affairs can kill something that was really good and i dont believe they love that person to leave you believe it is lust at the beginning the honeymoon period that started at the beginning of your relationship.

  37. 37
    Anonymous Says:

    My husband and i took a trial separation in November 2011. We still continued to see each other, but just told me he didn’t want to work things out because he was hooking up with an old girlfriend. Who btw had an affair on her husband years ago when they were together. Does this count as an affair, and whats the chances of that working out. btw whatever we had is ruined now.

  38. 38
    Anonymous Says:

    My husband cheated with a married woman 22 years younger than him. The interesting thing was that he wanted to make it my fault. He would get in my face and yell at me between clinched teeth and spit on my face while yelling. He said I was bizarre. He had a whole list of things I had supposedly done to cause him to cheat. One of those things was that our son had got into a fight at school in the 8th grade. Another was a crazy neighbor who was a troublemaker had decided it was our turn to be picked on and several more stupid irrational things like that. What he really wanted was for me to tell him to get out so that I would be the “bad guy”. I finally did and he was so happy. …..for a short time…… Then he cried and cried. He shacked up with his woman for more than 2 years then finally married her.
    The best advice I would like to give to someone who’s being cheated on is Get out, STAY OUT, cut all contact except for what is absolutely necessary for children. Treat any contact you have to have with the cheater as pure business and nothing more.

  39. 39
    Anonymous Says:

    #34 .. I have finally learned your advice after 2.5 years of pure hell. My husband of 25 years cheated with a younger woman who was his subordinate at work. It was scandalous and embarrassing but THEY STAYED TOGETHER through it all trying to prove to everyone that they were meant to be. They married a few months after our divorce was final. I have nearly killed myself trying to get him to co-parent, be a responsible father, etc. He just did a complete 180 one day, left the kids and me and ended up marrying her in the end. Rejection is so hard to accept. He was my life for so long, yet I know now that he was not a healthy man. It has taken a long time, but very slowly I have grown to feel sickened of him more and more to where it is just now a business arrangement regarding the children. I follow the parenting plan to the ‘t’.. that is my safety and boundary. He and his wife try to underhandedly do things to me to cause me to hurt. They have been very, very successful yet I am learning not to let them anymore. The most recent thing they did was throw a wedding reception (they got married a few months ago on the day we legally separated) on my birthday. They have done a mean and blatant thing to me on significant dates in my life (and in my former husband and my life) that are horrid. On my former husband and my 25th wedding anniversary (what would have been) she sent me a text out of the blue telling me how mentally ill I was and how happy she was with the man of her dreams .. and on and on and on. I have told my friends and family that if I ‘accidentally’ die, please know that I fear her and look into my death.

  40. 40
    Anonymous Says:

    I am 15 yrs. outside of an adultery situation that ultimately ended a 27 yr. marriage. I now have a daughter who has committed adultery after a 3 yr. marriage. This is my conclusion: life is hard, every person justifies their own position be it an affair or continuIng in a unfulfilling marriage. We all sin. We will only be forgiven to the extent we are willing to forgive. How much forgiveness do you need? We all suffer the consequences of our choices to be sure, but how better do we learn? For all those who have the clarity of wrong is wrong, be cautious to hold your conviction without judgement. The consequences from judging rival the consequences of adultery, but we bring it all on ourselves. For those who live in the margin, your honesty reads real. In the end, we are all just doing the best we can. Have grace.

  41. 41
    Anonymous Says:

    Affairs ruin lives, once it’s over in your head, be honest and tell your partner the truth and let them move on too.

  42. 42
    Anonymous Says:

    My husband of 8 years ended our marriage, divorced me when our baby was 13 months old, turned around and married his secretary 10 years younger than him,had a baby with her, filed for custody of our daughter on the grounds that “he has a family and is Catholic”, and wants our 6 year old daughter to be raised by his now third wife. He is a lobbyist and is never home. People and their entitlements amaze me.

  43. 43
    Anonymous Says:

    I married my affair partner in 2004 – we both left our long term marriages (mine was 24 years, his was 22 years)for each other. I believe that he the one that I was meant to be with – but oh, how I wish our circumstqances were different than the relaity that they are. 2 years ago, my H had a year long affiar with a co-worker. Stupid me thought that infidelity could never crep into our marriage. I was and still am devastated by his betrayal. And I often think that I shoul dnot be allowed to even voice these thoughts because I betrayed my first husband. The “if he cheats with you, he’ll cheat on you” has become somewhat my mantra. What I saw in him all those years ago I no longer see. We had moved in immediately with each other after telling bothour spouses that we “were in love”. That was in 1999. 5 years later we married, eanting tomake sure that we weren’t in a fog that our love was real. My H ws 55 when he had the affair with his 35 year old co-worker. Age was bringing him down. I’ve been in IC (Individual Counseling) for the past 2 years, still feeling the pain of his betrayal. We recently started up MC (Marriage Counseling) again. My H is determined to keep our marriage intact. I have shared wiht him numerous times on how I now know of the deep pain infidelity causes. My first H wanted to commit suicide when I left him. God, how I want to tell him how very sorry I am for bringing that pain on him. He has remarried himself and I do hope tat he is happy in this marriage. I am committed to my marriage now,but it’s going to be long hard lesson. I no longer have rose tinted glasses on, nor do I put my H on any kind of pedestal. Having an affiar is not a mistake – it’s a choice. And that choice leads to heartache.

  44. 44
    Anonymous Says:

    To # 23. Why does it take an affair to teach you that you married the “wrong woman”. Apparently, going out of the marriage, to fix the marriage didn’t work out, too well, did it?

    I just wish people admitted to themselves, and their spouses that they were unhappy, first, and if appropriate dealt with it, inside the marriage, i.e, discussion, therapy, books, retreats, etc. anything they could get their hands on to see if it was really over, the marriage that is.

    It would be so less complicated, this way, if they decided either way, to rebuild, or separate/divorce, and then started fresh after some time. That’s the problem today, with a society that wants “immediate gratification”, and things fixed now, pleasures now, buying stuff now, it’s all about the “now” and what “I want, I deserve”. So many people are hooking up with an OW or OM, so they have a back-up plan, and then can easily dispose of their spouse, and have no “interruption of services”. I mean, heaven forbid, this in not a utility service, this is life, and should be treated with a bit more dignity, respect, and integrity. If those 3 things are incorporated, and the couple doesn’t choose to stay together, so be it. But, too much short-sightedness, selfishness, being infatuated, and in “the affair fog”, leads to a very tough slippery slope where all are hurt!

  45. 45
    Anonymous Says:

    I left my wonderful partner of 23 years, i was 19 when i met him, i adored him, was madly in love with him. He was the only person who understood, accepted and loved me unconditionally. I did not get this love from my family. He became my ‘family.’ He is 13 years older than me and seemed so wise and intelligent. He has a great sense of humour and is very charismatic. He had his own demons from his childhood, but it didn’t affect the constant kindness and acceptance he showed me. In return i accepted all the decisions he made as to where we lived, business / financial decisions. There were many mistakes made on these fronts, he and i were reckless. He decided he wanted to sell the house i adored and go and live abroad to run a bar, i didn’t really want to do this but went along, i knew i would not cope with life without him. I loved him so. We didn’t have passion or much of a sex life, i put some of that down to 10 years of fertility treatment. (which didnt work)To me we had more than that a close bond and deep friendship and didnt really need that side of things. We spent 9 years abroad, lost all our money, had to sell our flat cheap to avoid repossession, financially it all went wrong. again. i worked hard and long hours to keep things going in several part time jobs. Little did i know at this time he was suffering a nervous breakdown and diabetes, he pushed me away and sat in another part of the house even tho i tried to persuade me to sit in the same place as me (we worked from home) We also slept in separate beds for a year, (which we had several times over the course of our relationship) showed little affection, i didnt want any thing like that from him. We didnt communicate about our relationship, we never married or celebrate anniversaries.There were never any I LOVE YOU’s
    Then the fatal thing happened, i hooked up online with my 1st teenage boyfriend, who declared undying love for me 28 years on !. I planned to meet him back in the UK. We slept together, it was mind blowing amazing sex, more than i could have ever imagined. I went back to my partner, he found out about my 1 night stand, things got very ugly, he was incredibly hurt i felt desperately guilty and bad about my cheating. we decided to try at the relationship, not much time passed when i discovered he was sending hate and threatening emails to my ‘lover’. this was totally out of character.. it was then i left him.
    I ended up living in UK with my lover, totally ignoring my long term partner for 7 months..I was consumed with guilt and cried a lot, drank myself stupid and had a very passionate, sexual, volatile and dysfunctional on / off relationship for 3 years with my ‘lover’ . My long term partner still now treats with acceptance and kindness, i can’t believe it ! We have a bond still, but i still don’t want a physical relationship with him. I suppose we are friends for life. he says, ‘you didnt give me another chance, but you did him’ . (I was addicted to the sex and passion).
    How can i tell him im no longer attracted to you, seems so shallow and insulting. Now living alone and trying to ‘find’ myself !!

  46. 46
    Anonymous Says:

    My father had an affair and my stepmom (the result of that affair) is the best thing that ever happened to him.

  47. 47
    Anonymous Says:

    Ive been having an affair for 6 years now off and on…
    And he is the best thing that has happend to me….
    He is also married..
    He treats mr like gold.. I love him soo much. Am 25- hes 47. Sometimes life isnt fai, or people just have bad timing.

  48. 48
    Anonymous Says:

    Wife of 31 years tells me she met someone online (multiplayer online war game) and even though she declares they were not looking, a relationship formed. They have never met and she states has only seen one pix of him, but i find that hard to believe. She has been on/off in this relationship for all of this year. The last breakup was supposedly in May when she broke it off (admitting to me). But as of the weekend tells me she went back to him within a couple days to get back together – just pretending to me that we were working on our own issues. I have asked if they video chat or if she had as separate cellphone she used to talk to him when she left the house – answered no. Then surprise Sunday she states she has a cellphone he provided since April.

    Our marriage was never abusive, but lots of assumption and lack of communications. We have two young teenage children and my fear is this will affect their morals & values. I wonder if she is moving away (814 miles) with him (and his 2 kids) because of all the wonderful things she says they connect on? When asked if she ever thought about talking with me to that extent the reply “why? It would be a waste of time”

    When you have two adults (still married but working to file a divorce) what realistic chances do these two have of success? In my opinion, They both have marriages that will leave them with issues needing resolution and neither party cares to admit to this. I guess I’m the broken one, not her.

  49. 49
    Anonymous Says:

    Which is worse, an emotianl affair or a physical one? My H met someone overseas who fell for him. He came home and told me about it and admitted some feelings for her as well. He has since decided that it was all a mistake that he attributed to his depression which is ongoing. We are now in therapy. He says he loves me and wants to work things out. I am very hurt, disappointed and angry. This person friended me on FB to keep track of him. He is not on FB but I am.

  50. 50
    Anonymous Says:

    Marriages that start from affairs only have a 2.5% chance of surviving anyway.
    So why bother?
    Especially if you have kids.

  51. 51
    Anonymous Says:

    Affairs are horrible. There is nothing worse than finding out that the love of your life is having an affair on you. It is absolute devastation. It rips you in two. I have never understood how people can let this happen. I do understand though how it can happen. Life today is so different. We have so much social media where people can connect or in my case reconnect. Facebook has gotten so many people in trouble. My ex reconnected with his high school girlfriend on Facebook. I read an article where these sites are causing s ton of infidelity. It starts out as causal flirting and escalates from there. No relationship is perfect. It takes two to work on your problems. Our world today makes it so easy to just get up and walk away. Life is hard, life is stressful and it can and does take it’s toll on everyone. But let me tell you this….the grass is not always greener on the other side. I have come to terms with everything. I have risen up and I am a strong woman. I want nothing to do with my ex. I have never contacted him. She can HAVE HIM. Any man that has an affair is a SKANK…. Yes I said SKANK. If you are so miserable and are not getting what you need than you should communicate that with your partner. If things do not get better……LEAVE. But leave her with CLASS for god sakes. if I find out a man has had an affair it is a total deal breaker for me. I do not care how great they seem……men that do that have some serious issues. I have actually contemplated luring a man in that has had an affair…..driving him crazy making him THINK I am sooooo in love with him…making him fall HARD for me and than cheating on him just to show him how bad it feels when you do that to someone. It is absolutely a life changing experience. One that I wish would have never happened because it sucks to feel SO betrayed….also I believe in karma…..what comes around goes around and believe me….people that cheat? Someday will get what they deserve. Now for those of us that have been cheated on? Stand up, brush the dirt off….be glad they are gone and go have a FABULOUS life because there are wonderful people out there and you will find love again someday….you will….I promise.

  52. 52
    Anonymous Says:

    “Love”?

    Rom 13:10 Love worketh no ill to his neighbour: therefore love [is] the fulfilling of the law.

    Adultery destroys.

    Therefore it is most definitely NOT “love’!

    DDay 2007….still hanging in with CS who had 14 yrs adultery and two children OF it …deliberately …

    My children 21,26,28 all following the Lord …this is devestating . They are strong in the faith but this is very VERY difficult.

    He cut off all contact with the OW …but continues to see the children regularly and we pay a LOT of support.

    She has been diagnosed as a sociopath and her treatment of the children SHE campaigned to have …is appalling and neglectful …not MY view…my CS has seen the light

    His horror is finally come upon him as he realizes all he missed as I homeshooled our children and he refused to take time for me and for them.

    His lack of involvement in all of our homelife was not due to any mistreatment or disrespect from me. I contnued to honor him but also tried to confront him respectfully about the neglect I was experiencing in not just our relationship but in all of the household responsibilities.

    His ‘fog’ and all of the ways this OW created crisises EVEN now but through the children has taken his energy and interest away AGAIN from our home as he tries to ‘rescue ‘ those children….

    After D DAY he discontinued contact for two years but then restarted NOT adultery but his contact for the sake of those children caused a repeat of less and less active participation in the healing process.

    Now our 32nd anniversary is coming up ..He planned to be out of town for legit business but told me ‘what is there to celebrate?”

    His attitude is that he ‘cannot’ ‘put anything more into healing my wounds or our marriage ..not even for our children’s sake. He is investing in the OC now.

    This is pain upon pain and he has knowledge of how this hurts us all.

    In addition there is trouble brewing in the character and behavior of the OC …it is a mess. HE tries to FIX the mess he made of THEIR lives where he has little ability …and he rejects his responsibilities here because he cannot do ‘both ‘ adequately .

    He sleeps in another room now ..perhaps that is the anniversary he should celebrate…his additional way of ‘dealing ‘ with his choices…punish all of us even MORE ….he cannot ‘take’ the pain he has brought about in US …it is ‘too painful ‘ for him to handle

    Weak…sadly …and still arrogant and proud …still continues to work from the same paridigm that got him into this mess in the first place! …He cannot be told ANYTHING …not from me…not from GOD ..but come one come all liars, thieves and con artists! ….And he is a well respected man in his field!

    “There is nothing hid that will not be revealed”

    I can attest to this truth …and when it comes out it will NOT be by my doing …God is PERFECT and I have seen it time and again …His ways are perfect …including dealing with unrepentant sinners…because HE WANTS them to stop and turn from this kind of heinous crime against life.

    It is interesting that in the OT …murders and adulterers got the same punishment….in the NT the ‘death penalty is just as sure …it just does not happen INSTANTLY ….but without repentance the judgment is DEATH …not just of the body but of the SOUL and that is called PERISHING

    Like it or not God’s LAWS stand …just try defying GRAVITY sometime if you dare…..from a ten story building it is STILL going to have it’s law fulfilled…no one walks away from jumping off a ten story building …the LAW of the consequences of NOT heeding the protective commandments of GOD is always DEATH …despite the way people may not experiences while in the midst of their sinful choice to disregard all of the ways they COULD enjoy marriage IF they would put the time. focus , energy and care into their relationship with their spouses.

    People are LAZY these days and seek “easy” ….At least that is what my husband told me …sex was ‘easy’ with the OW …sure …that was all she had to do …for MONEY ! ….now she manipulates her children FOR MONEY and SYMPATHY …not just my ‘take” …eventually ALL who have known her get this view.

    It is a very disastrous decision they made to carry this on…..and the destruction of discovery is BEYOND words….

    So what does LOVE look like? HOW does one LOVE???

    2Jo 1:6 And THIS IS LOVE, that we walk after his commandments.

    This is the commandment,

    That, as ye have heard from the beginning, ye should walk IN it.

    Mar 12:30 And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength: this [is] the first commandment.

    If a man loves his wife the way GOD teaches him how to in the WORD he will not only NOT HAVE TIME to fool around ..he won’t want to …and

    A wife who has a husband who loves her the way that the BIBLE reveals ..not just someone’s hearsay ….will NOT WANT or NEED anyone else!

    God is pretty smart….and those who love Him and obey the command to LISTEN to his ‘voice’ [ His word] avoid hurting others and using them …and they build love in their marriage and families.

    What a different culture we might have if that were in ‘vogue’ once…again ….it takes willingness…and effort….desire follows.

  53. 53
    Anonymous Says:

    Oh my days !!!! You sound like the crazy woman in the film Carrie . The mother . Get help ,

  54. 54
    Anonymous Says:

    # 45 I think you are being overly hard on yourself. First up, you should be proud that you achieved 23 years of friendship and compassion with your ex under some extremely difficult personal and financial pressures that ordinarily crack people up. You are still friends and talking. The love and compassion you continue to extend to this man and he to you means you are two good people. Don’t under-rate his flaws or the fact that you couldn’t fix them for him. The lack of passionate sex is not a small issue. In fact, often when everything is wrong but there is passion and intimacy, that can be a glue to holding things together. Let me also say finally that every relationship has a threshold for pain. When a couple have experienced so much pain together it can disable the relationship to the point of no return. I have first hand experience with this. A relationship can only be subjected to so much pain before reaching cracking point. You both could have done things better with the benefit of hindsight but I don’t know anyone blessed with this benefit. You don’t stick with someone for 23 years if you’re not a stayer or a good person. But sometimes it’s best to venture on your own and focus on rebuilding yourself.

  55. 55
    Anonymous Says:

    Hi, can I ask the same question as #17 when does an affair become an affair.

    I have known a married man for over a year now. It quickly became apparent we were highly compatible and he was unhappy in his marriage but like so many of these posts he had a child to think about as his wife was pregnant. Despite having talked about it I made it very clear that nothing was going to happen. I would be a dear friend and support him how ever I could but personally could not condone to my self even kissing him.

    He has since split from his wife in a very mutual and as peaceful a way and any split can be when two people have been together for a long time. They are however still married as it will take them two years to get a divorce. He is now of the oppinion that he is how free to have a new relationship with me. I will admit that yes this is what I want and have possibly relaxed on the no kissing rule. Am I still the other woman? I honestly believe that they would have split at some point even if he had not met me ! Or is this me justifying my actions ? And back to the original reason I came to this page if we do try and create a real relationship from this what are out chances of survival ? Am I a rebound just waiting to get my heart broken or am I a home wreaker who deserves to either way !

  56. 56
    Anonymous Says:

    A wrong can never be a right. How can a relationship founded upon adultery be right? A mistress and a married man are both cheaters. They are equally guilty of cheating the wife. There is no justification in a mistress’ claim that she and the cheating husband are deeply in love. So, what? It is stolen love that you have no right to. If you rob a bank because you love money, is that money yours based upon your love for it? Do you have a right to keep it if the police challenges you? Neither do you have a right to take another woman’s husband. I am not blaming the mistress solely. Because married men would almost never leave their wives or marry a mistress if the wife would not leave him, and if the mistress did not press him; wives have a tendency to blame the mistress. Most of them would marry a married man, but most married men would never marry mistresses. A man would stay with his wife even if he is not getting regular sex, but he would not stay with a mistress if she did not give sex, his primary reason for having her.

    Most do not understand that a man wants his wife and mistress too. The mistress is almost always on the side hanging on, hoping and waiting. Often they do not recognize the difference between love and lust or obsession. True love is charitable. It will let go of the wrong thing. It does not set its object up for hurt. The mistress does not want to let go of what she has taken. That’s stealing. The husband is likely setting her up for disappointment. That’s deceit. They are both selfish. That’s not true love. Their marriages which do not usually last is proof positive.

    The mistress is a victim and does not know it. She also does not see the need to step up her standards to something more admirable than mistress, a formal call girl.

    After reading many articles about cheating, I noticed a pattern of what mistresses get out of the relationship. They get money, jewelry, wealth if the man is wealthy, fine clothes, a couple of trips a week to a hotel room, wining and dining. She gets the good life! That make me want to cry. She is being treated like a classy “prostitute,” with the hope of one day rising up to the position of wife, the ultimate and long-awaited goal. Then, it will be her turn to have a cheating husband and another woman’s turn to take her place as mistress. Surely she would understand this relationship now that the shoe is on the other foot. It is amazing how a mistress all of a sudden develops common sense when she has landed the man where she wants him. If she accepts this arrangement with a new mistress, the marriage should be perfect. But the stats say that such marriages hardly last. What’s wrong with this picture? She does not trust him and he certainly does not trust her. She feels that he should not cheat. He feels that she should not be concerned because she was in the business herself. That is proof positive that both cheaters knew that they were wrong when they were hurting the wife and children. They created excuses. A law should make them stay together because they deserve each other.

    Someone once said that the best way to get revenge on a mistress who steals steals husband is to let her have him. I think that’s cruel, but just!

    Women know each other. Women understand each other. Women do not like women tampering with their men. That is understood. When one breaks the code, the wife gets upset and blames the other woman who knew well what she was doing, unless she did not know that the man was married.

  57. 57
    Anonymous Says:

    #55: separation does not mean divorce. He is still a married man. You are kissing another woman’s husband. Yes, you are the other woman and has been all year. You were waiting for that man, and he knew it. He figured you out and knew what you wanted. Would you like it if he marries you and had a friend on the side as faithful and loyal as you were? When he marries you and get an understanding female friend that he can talk to about his problems, don’t get jealous; accept it. Prove that such a woman is not the other woman.
    You can’t, so run!

    You said that he had a smooth breakup with her. How do you know? All you know is what he told you. Cheating men lie to both women. Marrying him would mean making room for the next mistress. Now, be understanding when it happens. Better yet, run!

  58. 58
    Anonymous Says:

    Why are women so hard on the other woman ,the name calling ,prostitute?homewrecker I find it unbelievable . The wife accepts his behaviour and then starts slating the other woman . Why does it make her feel better ? It always takes two ,if the other woman was a prostitute would it matter ,I don’t think so . An affair is an awful thing but some women just have got a rotten partner . They are not only unfaithful in the bedroom but they are unfaithful in that they confide in another woman intimate details of their marriage . The only answer I can see is the wife gets solace from berating the other woman whilst accepting her husbands betrayal . I am not surprised a relationship would not work between the husband and mistress , but how many mistresses would be surprised after all she has an insight into what he is capable of , his wife will never know.

  59. 59
    Anonymous Says:

    I have stuck by a relationship for 20 years and never put a foot wrong!! Been close friends with another man and his wife which has ended in an affair because we both had feelings for each other and clearly had issues in our marriages. Does this make me evil? It just happened. 20 years of dedicated trying to do the right thing and finally succumbed to something that felt very powerful. Unless you’ve been there you will never understand. I am sick and tired if being judged by people who do not know the facts. Be careful to judge what you cannot see behind closed doors!

  60. 60
    Anonymous Says:

    Was in a hot torrid extramarital affair for 3 years. Got bagged 2 years ago. Got kicked out of the house, wife let me back in after a month. Although I was head over heels for the OW, I did love my wife and logic set in. Long distance affair, she has 2 sons, I have 2 sons, live several states apart, be broke, never see her, abandoning the wife and kids… It’s easy to be irrational when you are in the middle of it.

    I am one of the lucky ones. My wife took me back unconditionally. Completely forgiven, just don’t ever speak to her again. Yet, I still miss the OW. And I know she’s getting divorced because a friend of hers blindly emailed me to let me know. The high is an addiction. I tell myself every day how great my wife and life are. The grass is only greener by the septic tank because is full of poop.

    If you can save your marriage, save it. The right thing isn’t always the easiest. It’s easy to get caught up in it.

  61. 61
    Anonymous Says:

    You are so right , I found myself in the same position ; I had people judging me . They too didn’t know me ,or anything about my relationship with this man . My husband has stood by me . Even he has been abused and judged for standing by me . After over 20 years I think he is the one person who knows me , and is in a position to judge me . My heart goes out to you , I hope all is well with you . Hold your head up I do , I am better than them . No one knows what goes on in people’s private lives . Quite often people’s public faces are a sham , don’t judge it’s nobody’s business but the people involved .

  62. 62
    Anonymous Says:

    Happily married to my sweetheart of 25 years before I found out for sure that she had been having an affair with my friend. He is married too, both couples have 3 kids at home.

    After a lengthy back and forth, false reconciliation merry go round where she tried & failed multiple times to end the toxic affair, she decided that the only thing left to do was for both marriages to end & for them to be together.

    No amount of counseling, forgiveness or willingness to work hard on improving our previously great marriage helped. In the end, I believe that she wanted this all along, but the guilt & my dedication made it hard for her to choose him over me & our family. Eventually our kids told her to pick him or them & she decided she wanted both & has been trying to convince them to accept her “adult” decision which they have not. She not only destroyed our marriage & family, but has done irreparable damage to her relationships with her children. She is absolutely in the fog so many describe & in complete denial about consequences for her actions. The worst part is that she has convinced herself (with his help I’m sure) that she is not being selfish & that she is entitled to do whatever she wants.

    I get that affairs sometimes happen. Yes, they are choices, but…the biggest crime is what happens after when they won’t stop the lies, deception & selfish behavior. In this case 8 other people have had to suffer so those two could have their blissful happiness which undoubtedly will not last. That’s not love people! It’s awful for all, eventually including them. If you are in a similar situation, do yourself a huge favor & don’t act foolishly or selfishly. Affairs are fools gold even when they appear to be the real thing.

  63. 63
    Anonymous Says:

    My husband started an affair with a married RN in the ER at the hospital we all work. He is a policeman and I work in the OR upstairs. I still don’t know when he met her but the physical affair started the day I came back from giving him “some space”. The week before he announced “if I had enough money I’d leave you, I feel like I’m in prison”. I assumed it was all my fault and he let me absorb it all. He continued to flaunt their affair 2-3x /week for the next 6 weeks and finally moved out 6/1. The whole time saying they were just friends-REALLY? She left her husband and son behind and they moved in together. They have broadcasted their love all over facebook-she is the love of my life, I’m the luckiest man in the world, she put the light back in my life, he has made all my dreams come true, their apt is their love shack etc etc.

    Meanwhile, I’m the crazy bitch that ruined his life, made him unhappy. He refused to pay his bills, wanted money for repairs he did on our home ( and the home he moved into when we first met). Everything was my fault. She is apparently the best thing since sliced bread. He just started talking to me after 4 months and from what I can gather still thinks it’s my fault we are separated.

    I can’t sleep or eat, and have to see them walking around the hospital together without a care in the world. She is very open about their relationship and was seen kissing him in the cafeteria, while he is in uniform on the job. I can’t believe that people encouraged this affair-after all he deserved to be happy!!!

    I am his fourth wife, he was my first and probably only marriage. We have only been married 2 years (1 1/2 before he started the affair). I should have known but he explained the others away so easily and I believed him because I loved him. He ofcourse told her that our marriage was over-funny I never got that memo-and when she called me she couldn’t wait to rub it in my face as well as how happy they are and they just want me to leave them alone and be happy. AND I’m the crazy one?

    Anyway the point of all this – what are their chances of a successful relationship? I know she is already talking about marriage. He couldn’t even bother trying to get help for our marriage. I had no idea he was that unhappy, and I realize that any problems in our marriage were shared, we both were at fault but there wasn’t anything that couldn’t have been addressed and probably fixed. All the reasons to end the marriage -I was too clean, I was controlling seem like pathetic excuses. I hadn’t changed, adults rarely turn into different people after the age of 30. But he still denies the reason we are apart-the affair-is his fault. I will never begin to understand how someone who loved you a short time ago can hurt you so much and not feel anything. I could never look myself in the mirror and truly be happy knowing how I had destroyed 2 marriages, how I had disappointed family and friends and lets not forget the 9 year old child involved. His own 2 children don’t want anything to do with their father and this new woman. I’ve heard all about Karma but it seems to have ignored them, as far as I can tell I’m the only one who is unhappy. I still love my husband-the person I married but this man he has become is not the good, honest, trustworthy man I married. He promised me on our wedding day he would never cheat on me because he could never look me in the eye. Well I guess that promise and the rest of his vows didn’t mean anything once “the love of his life” dropped in and offered him everything. She is “the cool girl” the one who likes every he does and wants to have sex every night. And she’s younger than me so how can I compete with that?

  64. 64
    Anonymous Says:

    I have been with my husband 20 years. Married to him for 18. He has been in an affair with his mistress for 15 of those 18 years. She started out as his employee and ended up being a co-worker. 5 years ago, October 7, 2007 my world was torn apart when she walked up on my deck and let me know about their affair. She wanted him and she was tired of waiting. He didn’t leave. I didn’t leave. He begged, I took him back. But he also told me he was in love with her. In the five years that have gone by since the revelation, I have caught him with her numerous times. He has taken her on vacations. They have just gone on like everything was still a secret. I have turned into a raving lunatic. Chasing him, crying, harrassing her, etc. etc, etc. I have made a total ass of myself and I have hurt every single day. I wake up thinking about the deceit and lies and I go to bed thinking about the deceit, disrespect and lies. I lost my job. My children have lost their respect for me. and I have gotten deeper and deeper into a dark scary place that I can’t seem to get out of. On March 17th of this year (2012) I caught him with her again. This time I filed for divorce. But I let the petition lapse. My heart still races when I think about being divorced. I had given my husband my heart, my soul and all my love. This marriage has cost me my sanity, my self esteem, my love for myself. Everyday I feel like my skin is too small…tight, tingley. Emotional pain, physical pain mental anguish all my constant companions. Yesterday I called our EAP and set an appointment with a therapist. I have found a place to move to. I found a job. I am trying to remove myself from this situation so I can heal. My husband on the other hand doesn’t even acknowledge that he has done anything wrong. Everything is o.k. as long as it is me that is suffering and not him. This situation nearly killed me. I would have been so much better off if he had just left me 15 years ago. I would have had more respect for him. I feel robbed. He has had love all this time and I have had nothing. I thought he was just immature. I thought he would grow up and be my husband. That was never going to happen. He just moved on. I loved my husband with all my heart. I would have done anything for him. I put in 20 years and got nothing for it but pain. I know I will be o.k. once I am away from him. Living here with him is very difficult especially because they are blatantly disrespectful. I hope one day they both feel the same shame and hurt that I feel this day. By then I will be over it and moving on. Affairs hurt people. Whats the point?

  65. 65
    Anonymous Says:

    I understand that there is no excuse for infidelity. I have two other friends who are now single moms; all of us met and fell in love with someone other than our husband, got divorced, and are still seeing the affair partner. The common thread was the years of being treated as unworthy, stupid, unattractive….not enough to constitute abuse, but enough to damage our self esteem to the point where leaving seemed impossible. It’s said that severely depressed people are too depressed even to find the energy to commit suicide, but when these people are put on antidepressants, sometimes they’re bumped up just enough to be able to go through with it. That’s how I felt….I needed to know that I wasn’t crazy, that someone else would find me attractive, before I had the courage to end my marriage. I’m not excusing my behavior. But it can happen to anyone….ANYONE. If you’re in the right vulnerable position and meet the right (or wrong, depending on your perspective) person, it can most definitely happen to you.
    I wish I would have done things differently. We’re struggling to make a real relationship work, and it’s difficult – I don’t know if it’s going to happen. But I am a lot more empathetic to other people’s struggles.

  66. 66
    Anonymous Says:

    Re 64 & 65 you have worded it so beautifully. My husband had it all, I was devoted and gave the best I had. He struggled being away from his own country though, and took to drugs, alcohol, whatever he could get his hands on. I struggled to bring up the children and shield them from it all, but didn’t leave because I knew the good man in him and still believed in that person. He became abusive,violent, manipulative and depressed, and it was always somehow my fault. People tend to think physical violence is the worst kind.You become numb and don’t even feel it. I would rather be beaten to a pulp than the psychological abuse which could go for months.
    After a while, every time he didn’t get his own way he would leave me. Sometimes a week, sometimes a month. Because of my job as a shiftworker, it was made public instantly, trying to renegotiate shifts and pulling in childcare from wherever I could get it. If being left repeatedly wasn’t enough the humiliation of it being made so public made me not want to show my face in public. The last time he did it, he beat up my son. This time I didn’t let him come back. He stayed out for nearly 2 years but contstantly rang crying that he needed me. I had time to heal, and I demanded that we have intensive family counselling and he wasn’t allowed home until the counsellor felt we were ready.
    He denied most of the things I told the counsellor he had done. I think he was in such a drug filled haze at the time, he honestly didn’t believe he had done them.
    After his return it wasn’t smooth sailing, but we worked on just getting along. We now cohabitate beautifully. But there is something dreadfully missing. There is no trust at all. He will never acknowledge the hurt he caused.
    I’ve been in an affair for the past 10 months. For both of us it is the first time, and both of us in empty marriages. He has young children who he has built his world around, to make up the void in his marriage. Neither of us want to hurt anyone, and yes, the development of the relationship took us both by surprise as neither of us were looking for anyone. Whilst I was separated, I didn’t enter into any relationships then, so why would I seek one now?
    It’s far from ideal but it works for us. We don’t know where it will take us, but we have an understanding that at any point one of us feels their marriage has a chance to improve then the other will back off. Right now, it fills the massive void. I feel attractive and capable again. If this relationship fails, I would never do it again though, it’s really not worth it. I hate the guilt, the fear of being discovered, and the threat it places on our careers as well. Both of us are very senior in our work place, and discovery would mean career suicide.
    Thanks for sharing your stories. I can empathise with you, and also understand a little better myself as well.

  67. 67
    Anonymous Says:

    People who cheat are self absorbed and selfish people. They put their own pleasure first and than rewrite the marital history to demonize the betrayed spouse, after the fact.

    The fact is that we as humans will always be attracted to other people outside the marriage.

    Honorable people, however, realize how shallow these attractions are, and CHOOSE to honor their vows.

    If there are truly problems in the marriage (and ALL long marriages have problems) than an honorable trustworthy person who respect other and has decent boundaries will discuss the problems with their spouse or seek counseling.

    If the problems are truly insurmountable (that is rare unless some type of physical abuse is occurring) than divorce is a more respectful approach.

    Cheating is a sleazy and cowardly and emotionally abusive way to end a marriage.

  68. 68
    Anonymous Says:

    I just want an honesty answer. I been with my wife for 15 yrs. We met in high school and after graduation we had our daughter. Im a very.loyal and dedicated husband. I have treated with the up most respect and love. Throughout our marriage we have had many obstacles to surpass. As ashamed as I am to write this six years I cheated on my wife. I dont no excuse for my behavior. After realizing the mistake and pain that I caused my family, I did everything possible ask for forgiveness. During the time that I was cheating I didnt realize what I was doing however after allowing God to take over me. I was healed and I made a promised that I was never going to have an affair. My actions have no forgiveness and if given the opportunity to go back I would have never had the affair. Recently I found out that my wife was cheating. I never expected her to do such a thing. I recently.asked why she had made that choice and her responce was that she never hesled from the pain that I caused when I was cheating. Im very confused I want to forgive her however she no longer want to save our marriage. I take full responsibilty for my mistake but now that it was done to me I cant forgive her. Walking away from her could be.much easier if she was not pregnant. I know most are asking that child might not be mine but she assures me that she was never intimate during her affair. Any response will be helpful.

  69. 69
    Anonymous Says:

    I had an affair with my now husband of 2+years. I was not proud of my actions at all. We had a connection from the start, one that we could not explain. I broke the affair off 3 times in the 2 years we saw each other and it was so hard to stay apart. I finally broke it off for good and told him to not contact me unless he was avaiable to be in a relationship ( I was going through a long brutal divorce at the time)
    I told him that I was having a hard time with the possible damage our relationship would have on his children and his standing in his community. I said he needed to reconnect with his wife for his children’s sake.
    Four days later he called me and told me he had told his wife about us. I was sick to my stomach. My relationship with him is amazing. We can talk about anything, he is so grateful for me and my intelligence. It is hard when you marry the wrong person. He is so grateful for our deep connection, something he did not have with his first wife, nor did I with my first husband.
    We have already weather many storms with ease and are totally and completely committed to each other! I know we are the exception and I am grateful for that!

  70. 70
    Anonymous Says:

    I wonder how long my wife will stay together with the man she left me for. We had been married for 6 years and have two beautiful young girls together. If there are any women here considering leaving their husbands, let me tell you it is the single most painful thing that has ever happened to me. It affects my sanity, my health, my work, my relationship with my daughters, all of our family members, etc. It has caused immeasurable heartache and pain, especially because I was “blindsided” and because I live in her country, not mine.

    By most accounts we had a great relationship and a lot of love for most of the time we were together. She must have been suffering silently, because it seems that the problems in the relationship were magnified once she met the other man.

    What I neglected to say is that she left her first husband for me around the seven year mark, so there is a pattern at play with her. However, we have kids together so I would have thought she’d try to mend things before breaking up the family.

    Just know the pain this is going to cause many people. Do you really want to live with that? Is this connection you have with the other person so strong? Take a break from it and see what happens. I know it’s hard but your wife or husband deserves better than this hell they will go through. Remember, it’s not all about you. Especially if you have kids.

  71. 71
    Anonymous Says:

    Been there done all this. I’m the betrayed spouse with a young child. Husband blind sighted me years ago and ran off with the the teenage secretary (cliche) while I was left with a young newborn. They both treated me like a dog and blamed me for everything. I was nothing but a good wife left broken hearted and confused.

    He lied to me he lied to her throughout the seperation. Time told everything. They are engaged and pregnant (15 year age gap) and he still runs it in my face like I care. Losers.

  72. 72
    Anonymous Says:

    My father had an affair and left my mom for the other woman. My mom and dad were married for 17 years but he always had affairs. Then he met the other women and left my mom to marry her. They married, no affairs since, and they have been married now for 29 years. It happens all the time but they don’t tell anyone they met while my dad was married.

  73. 73
    Anonymous Says:

    I am married, unhappily, and stay in my marriage for financial reasons. I also think I stay married to maintain the home for our children, who are now adults and still live at home. I am involved in a satisfying relationship with an unmarried man. I don’t expect my BF to commit to a married woman. And I realize he may leave me for a single gal in the future. For the meantime, my affair is rewarding for both. I think my affair works because of the limited time we have together. Someday I may divorce, and if my BF is single, I may consider dating him as I am curious if we are compatible for a long term relationship. I doubt I will marry again.

  74. 74
    Anonymous Says:

    Quoting #59
    “Unless you’ve been there you will never understand. I am sick and tired of being judged by people who do not know the facts. Be careful to judge what you cannot see behind closed doors!”

    That person is right!

    I’ve been there and you can’t tell how a broken bone feels unless it happens to you. I would allow an opinion or being judge by someone that had an affair and got out of it, either it turned out good or bad. I’m a good person; I believe in god and his love. I’m a father of 2. My family doesn’t have a past filled with infidelity. My parents have been together for the past 34 years, I grew up in love and respect. Sometimes, you get sucked into it even when your marriage is doing well. I would’ve never, never thought this could happen to me. I never had a clear opinion of infidelity before but I know now how quickly it can happen.

    Once your heart takes the lead, you better be ready for the ride.

    I’ve never wished anything bad for anyone, but I’d like to see, for example “Poster #10” who wrote a judging comment, in our situation. Oh I already hear them say “I would never allowed myself to be infidel in the first place” I SAID THAT BEFORE TOO!!! AND IT DID HAPPEN ANYWAY!

    When me and that girl both met and felt that “spark” that people talk about. I never thought it was real. You better have your guard up and emotionally prepared, which is impossible as you’re never ready for it, because it will hit you like a Mike Tyson’s uppercut and knocked you out. Now your heart is in control. Good luck and enjoy the ride!

    We’re all human, we all have a heart, we all know how to love and hate… So to everyone that never been in that situation all I can say is – Like poster # 59 said earlier, “Unless you’ve been there you will never understand.” Just think out of the box, it could happen to you, you’re not perfect.

    Peace and love to all of you.

  75. 75
    Anonymous Says:

    #59. You sound a lot alike my husband’s mistress. My next door neighbor, my so called best friend. As I told you when I found out you two were texting each other, I guess you were more his friend than mine. Then you worry about people judging you, but can’t you see the evil in what you have done? All the hurt you have caused for what you two have done? There may have been problems in both of our marriages and maybe we both should have divorced anyways but for you two to sneak into the bathroom while your spouses were in the garage and kids in the living room. For you guys to do everything you did in front of us, did you really think I wasn’t suspicious? How do you think that made me feel knowing my so called best friend was convincing me you were only talking to my husband to help him with his “drinking problem” but then find out you were screwing him in the bathroom with us right outside! Then I confront you both about the texting and he gets a different phone so I can’t trace it. I knew he had a phone in his car. And for you to tell me you didnt want to see us get a divorce because of the kids. To top it off, how could you hold his hand in the garage right in front of me? Then you two leave us pretty much at the same time (like we couldnt figure something was going on, even though I wasn’t talking to you at the time). You leave your 4 kids and husband of 20 years, and he leaves our 3 kids and our 14 years of marriage as if it was all trash. You guys must really love each other to walk away from everything for each other! Or is he just promising you everything like he did me once upon a time? Maybe its real love, only time will tell. How do you not have some evil in you to do everything you did? I don’t understand it and maybe never will. We trusted you both and for 7 years you both lusted over each other. I was suspicious all those years but you both made me believe like I was crazy for thinking that! I know you can communicate with him which is something I couldn’t even seem to do with him, but there are things in our marriage that you dont know about, that he won’t tell you because he blames it all on me as you blame your ex. There was plenty I saw with your marriage that you did wrong as well. We all had faults. The difference between you two and us is that we trusted you both, we tried, we are taking responsibility for our faults, and we didnt leave our children behind for someone else (well at least I havent and wont). You’ve always been so concerned with people judging you, well why don’t you stop doing things that would make people judge you for doing them? I wish you the best in your upcoming marriage. Good luck with him! Sounds like you guys will need lots of luck! I find it humorous you looking up what your chances of survival will be in your marriage a few weeks before your divorce went through! Were you second guessing your choice? lol!

  76. 76
    Anonymous Says:

    My ex husband ha a friend at work who he talked to and became friends with. Then he justified his actions to her and to me. A cheating man most definately lies to both women. During our seperation and divorce he continued to see me, lie to me, and all the while see her and lie to her. 6 mo. After our divorce was final, he married her. Now, all the while calling me and talking to me. Telling me he loved me and wanted to try to fix our lost relationship. We would even meet for weekends to see if we still have any connections. Then he began telling me that he was going to divorce her and come back to me and the children. I know I was stupid to believe him, but all I ver wanted was to fix my broken family. To believe that our love was bigger than any mistake he made. Well this went on for a year. He kept making excuses and lieing about what was taking him so long to divorce. He then was put on the spot and told me that he didn’t think I could really forgive him and that I held so much animosity towards him. Another cop out, another justification. So now a year later he is now proclaiming his love for her and they just had a baby together. What a scum, he cheated on me with her and on her with me!! There is no way they will have any chance of a stable relationship together. The worse part is now there is another child to Hurt in the mix! One thing for sure, I will never fall for his lies again and feel guilty for falling the first time. My biggest pain now is seeing our two children hurt because of his selfish actions. It most definately affect the children, no matter the justification.

  77. 77
    Anonymous Says:

    I am trying to determine the difference between what is “judgement” of my husband and his affair partner and my right to have feelings about the affair.

    Regardless of the reasons behind the affair (and I am in part responsible for the problems in the marriage just as much as he is), it hurts. She was a friend of mine. I had trust in them both. Regardless of their reasons for the affair, the lies to not acutely hurt me etc my trust was loss and I feel like I was left with all of the feelings to heal.

    I feel like that is what so many of us are writing about (on both sides of the coin).

    For me when I am hurting this much it is hard to see the other perspective….I am just trying to survive my own.

  78. 78
    Anonymous Says:

    I have been in an affair for about 18 months and am very torn on what to do. My logic keeps telling me to end it and work on my 28 year marriage to a wonderful man. I am not even sure why the affair happened which is part of the problem. the other man is a child hood friend whom I reconnected with and his is married 25 yrs. When we reconnected as friends, his marriage was unhappy and he was already planning to leave. Tho I realized from the beginning that my marriage lacked passion and excitement, it has been a relatively good one that i think can go the distance.

  79. 79
    Anonymous Says:

    @#78 “My marriage lacked passion and excitement” . Why do we belittle passion and excitement as unimportant? Is passion and excitement important part of your well-being as a person? Can you meaningfully & totally live without it? Can I also ask, are you wedded to the idea that marriage is “hard work” and slog in order to “go the distance”. It is very difficult to face the fact that a good wonderful man we are married to can be simultaneously toxic to our spirit. That’s so hard to face.
    Let me tell you why the affair happened. Your affair happened because unconsciously you were not happy in your marriage, some of your core needs were not being met and at some level you know you cannot be your authentic, warts and all self with your husband. He may be a good man but your relationship hasn’t empowered you enough to tell him that you need passion and excitement. Many people -with truth and good intention- say that only you are responsible for your happiness and you can’t look to your partner to manufacture happiness for you, make you feel good or complete you. Fair enough. I’ll go with that. But the truth in many marriages is this: a marriage partners behaviours such a controll issues, short-temperedness, non-acceptance of the other can significantly erode the other party’s capacity to make him/herself happy. We all need to be in a supportive environment where we feel accepted in order to be able to make ourselves happy. If our marriage partners’ behaviors have a disempowering effect we aren’t able to luve our full potential.

  80. 80
    Anonymous Says:

    Wow, I wanted to read about this and each one of these posts are honest feelings. I have been both the spouse who was in a marriage with a husb who cheated and a woman who fell in love with a married man. I don’t feel good about the deceit and have told him that he needs to do what he feels is right for himself (married lover). My marriage was for me a one sided love, I gave it my all and experienced many separations, anguish and now am left with the reality of having given the absolute best years of my life to someone who was not capable of loving me back. We have been separated for four years, recently divorced. I felt like I lost 170 lbs, I have discovered that I deserve to be loved and it is not too late. We both married for the wrong reasons and it resulted in a life of anguish for us both. We were not compatible but he needed me. Needing is not love and is not something to base a marriage on. The only good thing is our son who is much happier now that we are divorced, he is no fool and knew about his father’s cheating.

    Now, at a wedding I discovered a connection from 40 years earlier (was married 25) and it was immediate. I did not look for it and knew that he was unhappy in his marriage and had been from the beginning. He believes she married for financial security and he was in love with someone else who has since married. He was depressed and married because he was getting older and wanted kids even though he did not love her. We began talking and were glad to reconnect after so many years. We were two friends with a deep and long connection and both vulnerable in different ways. Admittedly not a good combination. It did not happen immediately and only happened once but that doesn’t matter because we both fight it constantly. He feels guilty and so do I (curiously though I not as much as he). I think he is so beaten down that he has not discovered he is lovable and has the right to have any feelings that are his own. I have progressed in my personal growth a little more.

    I know to society it is not right, I know how the wife feels but there is also no denying the feelings that we have. I am grateful that they did not have children, he has simply told me that it is difficult to leave for financial reasons but that he is working on something acceptable for her. I don’t know if this will happen, what is acceptable? In one way it would have been easier if we had never seen each other at the wedding. But life has many twists and turns. I never thought I would be in this position. I also never thought that I would not feel bad for having the feelings that I had condemned in others.

    I guess that I do believe in love and personal happiness. Humans need to feel loved and wanted that much has been reawakened in me. I felt dead for so long. I do not know what will happen, what does will not be easy, that much I do know. We do terrible things for the wrong reasons over and over again. What is there to learn? I just want to be happy and have thought about moving on but cannot seem to forget him. Why did he have to step back into my life now and married? I do not think he will be married for long but don’t know where I will fit in with all of this even if he does leave. I don’t know if I can deal with the guilt and blame. I guess everyone who said no one wins is right. It seems that as adults we should be able to fix these things but life hands us circumstances and guilt in equal doses. Is wanting to be happy enough?

  81. 81
    Anonymous Says:

    How does 72 know that there have been no affairs in his father’s marriage? If he had affairs on your mother, he’s having affairs on this other wife. Their marriage, born of adultery, is almost certainly not a happy marriage. I bet it seems to be from the outside. Those are the very one’s that are the most troubled behind closed doors. If you think he has never cheated once on the wife of 29 years who was herself the product of adultery – the I have a bridge in New York City I’d like to sell you. If you think marriages born of betrayal last 29 years, and that “it happens all the time – you are an absolute fool.

  82. 82
    Anonymous Says:

    everyone who justifies cheating is nothing more but a guilty person trying to cover up their having a personality disorder. Cheating and getting involved in an affair while Married is nothing more but a dishonest, selfish, ignorant act of those who are involved. regardless of what is the reason. if in an abusive relationship, anyone justifying their personality disorder of not being able to stop them from being dishonest, selfish, lustful, inconsiderate is nothing more but a manipulative, lustful, immature, damn person not knowing how to respect themselves, the other dishonest and cruel person their cheating with, their kids and spouse. adultery is a disease. it affects families so bad as well as it ruins the lives of many who gets affected. sometimes it actually better the lives of the spouse that was cheated as well as their children because they get rid of the cheating machine dad they have as well as the cheating is stuck with the cheating dad.

  83. 83
    Anonymous Says:

    I am at the 2 month mark of my wife walking out on me and our 2 children . Been together 18 years , married for 7 . My daughter is 11 and my son is 8 . We had a happy marriage , normal issues , finances ect , never any cheating . She found her first love on Facebook , about 4 months ago , . She started having an affair with him behind my back , although he lives 550 km away , how they managed that is beyond me . I found the text messages and phone calls via the phone bill . I confronted her , for the next 5 minutes she denied it , but then out of the blue she told me she wants a seperation . This gutted me of course , she told me 3 days before Xmas when we where at her parents house for Xmas holidays . Needless to say it was a pretty shitty Xmas . The wife told me to leave and go home with the kids while she tries to figure out what she wants . This was on Boxing Day . I pleaded with her to stay , just 1 more day so we can celebrate our daughters birthday, she refused , what sought of a mother does that , 1 more day .so me and the kids drove the long journey home . The wife never spent one day on her own , for the next month she lived with him , totally abandoning her family . Sure she rang every now and then , but mainly to discuss divorce . She came back to the family home , spent 6 days here , we talked , we argued , she told me she doesn’t love me any more , she told me she’s not sure she ever did . 18 years together 2 kids , a wedding , what a load of shit . She said she is 100% in love with this man and wants to spend the rest of her life with him . He has 2 sons to a previous marriage and he broke of an engagement to be with my wife . But here is where it all gets a bit weird . Because he lives 550 km away and because he can’t leave his home town due to his ex wife . And I’m letting my kids leave my side . The exwife is now stuck , she has no job , no money . She lives free with him for a week and now wants to fly back to the family home , spend a week here , to be with the kids , live in a seperated bedroom , just act like a happy family until she leaves us all again to be with him for a week . My kids know the situation , the know mum and dad are getting a divorce , they know she loves the other man . They to be adapting ok , as for me , I’m heartbroken , don’t get me wrong , I have the kids full time and that’s great , but when you have to ask your family and friends how to cook , and ask the 11 year old daughter how to use the washing machine , you can’t work often enough to make ends meet , I have no companionship , no one to talk to , I feel so very alone . I hold out hope that one day she will come to her senses and realise that what she is trying to do is impossible , how can a mother destroy a family , loose her kids half her life , to be with a man she just met and fell in love with for half the time , I’m so very confused , all I want is our family back together again . Every day is a struggle , I don’t know what the future has in store for me . Can the ex wife handle being away from the kids a week on a week off , can she handle being away from the other man week on week off . Can the other man handle her living with her ex husband week on week off . Should I wait for her ? Should I just move on ? So much can go wrong in her life , should I be here to pick up the pieces ?i love her with all my heart and sole , I know I can forgive her and get past this , but how long do I wait ?

  84. 84
    Anonymous Says:

    Dear 83,
    Your pain is new and very raw…there are so many things I want to say to you but where you are right now, means they will count for little. My ex abandoned me and a month after divorce married his mistress who is 22 years his junior, I was his 3rd wife. I tell you this only so you know, I have walked your journey, I know your pain. What I can offer you is this insight. Don’t wait for her. As hard and impossible as this may be to acknowledge or accept…you make your own Happy, not her. She is not the measure by which you need to live your life. You deserve better than this, as do your children. Live your live for the three of you and for now, move beyond whether she will or will not come back. There are no guarantee’s where she is concerned, only where you are. Two years on from my ex leaving, I have my own home which is better than the one we had together. His children, my step children love and respect me more than their father and still spend time with me. I have a new job paying so much more and, I am with a new partner. The mire you are in right now seems to be all there is… It isn’t. You have the ability to live a better, more fulfilling life with your children, your integrity and self respect is whole. She will need to come to terms with the consequences of her choices, much farther down the line (believe me there are consequences unseen that will cause her pain, this is not malicious glee, just what I have experienced) Trying to think on her behalf about whether she has regrets or not will drive you mad. You will scour the internet for statistics and stories that lend themselves to your wife returning. Try to walk away from this. This journey does not have a short lifespan, these things take years to unravel, I am sorry to tell you this but they do. The pain will last a long time and even as you come to terms with the situation and get better, it will sometimes creep up on you. This is perfectly normal, do not beat yoursel up, never do that. If you need to tell yourself to get a grip so you don’t wallow in self pity, that is fine…but never be hard on yourself. Be kind to you. Your strength and dignity will get you through this confusion and one day you will realise you deserved better than what your wife has done and that in a way, her leaving allows you to meet a woman of integrity who will give you that love and respect. If your wife has chosen to deal with her issues in a manner that causes pain and suffering, this speaks about her and not you. Her choices are not your fault. Acknowledge your part in the failure of your marriage, we all have a part to play in that somehow, but never forget, she made the choice to deal with it by deceiving and lying. This was not your fault, never take the blame for that. So many here will say how their unhappiness led to their affair. I get it, I know unhappiness in a marriage. I had it, we all do…but choosing to betray your spouse as a way to manage your unhappiness is not an action of respect for one’s self or your family. If you are unhappy there are more honest and constructive ways to handle the situation. Never buy into the notion that their unhappiness was caused by you to the extent where adultery was the only viable option that would make them happy. So number 83′ take your time to heal. One day at a time, I promise you it will and does get better. Keep remembering that your life is yours to live, do not define your happiness or yourself by someone who has treated you with cruelty and neglect. Words can only do so much, your choices, your attitude and your actions will determine how easy or difficult this journey will be for you. I wish you and your children love and success.

  85. 85
    Anonymous Says:

    To #17…I think you are my ex-husband’s affair partner. If so, ideally wish you both luck, because with two ex-spouses, 5 children, alimony, child support, mortgages, college expenses and private school tuition, you two will have a very different life than what you may have imagined. And remember, you each told lies to the other about how horrible your spouses were. We ( those ex-spouses ) never realized how toxic you were to us until you left. But you couldn’t leave without spewing more hatred and venom towards us. Why is that? What did we do to make you behave in such a vindictive manner? We didn’t lie, cheat or steal anything from you. But, you continued to berate us with your litany of “you are only trying to punish me because I’m happy”. That happiness came at the expense of your families. But, We, the two ex spouses, have found joy and happiness in life without you. Your ex-husband has a wonderful lady friend who is so happy you dumped him. I am thrilled to have received 60% of our estate, plus lifetime alimony and child support for 6 more years. I am living the life of Riley, and you and my husband have to keep working in order to replenish your retirement accounts, and to keep paying my alimony. Life is sweet. After being married to him for 28 years, I can say that I got the best of him. You got the leftover, burned out shell of a man who wilil one day wake up and look at you with contempt, because instead of blaming himself for the pain he is in, he will blame you. But, I wouldn’t count on lifetime alimony from him, he’ll be long dead before you qualify. Happy trails my dear…

  86. 86
    Anonymous Says:

    Bless you, #84. You speak words of truth. The pain takes a long time to diminish, but it does, and when it does, it’s like the sun coming out after months of grey cloudy weather.
    The actions of a cheater belong solely to the cheater. The problems in a marriage belong to the persons in the marriage. Life is all about choice. Cheaters had a choice. Betrayed Spouses also have a choice. It’s never easy to end a marriage, but sometimes it’s more painful to stay in a relationship broken by deception, deceit, and delusions than it is to repair or restore it.
    Rejection sucks. But love rocks. I love myself too much to ever accept the kind of treatment my ex husband showed me and our children when he began his affair.
    When he told our family priest that I forced him into marriage, our priest asked him why it took 28 years and three kids later to make that acknowledgement..
    Egads, the crap they believe and speak is just idiotic and cruel. Not to mention repetitive. I wonder if there is an affair fairy that flies over and sprinkles the new lovers with a spell that causes them to say “I love you, I’m just not IN love with you” to their faithful spouses?
    If the other woman is his soul mate, savior and key to happiness, then who am I to stand in the way of true love?
    If you aren’t happy with who you are, you’ll never be happy with what you have!
    Life is too short to stay married to someone who cheated on you. My ex husband was shocked when I kicked him out. My self respect wouldn’t allow him to continue to play Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde with me. Enough was enough.
    She is welcome to him. I only wish his parents were still alive so that she could share in the experience we sons and daughters-in-law endured as the “not good enoughs”. Never mind that the four in-law children they had were highly educated professionals whose accomplishments were great sources of pride and joy in their own parents eyes!
    Oh well, at least she doesn’t get off that easily…my very happy self is still in the picture. Karma can be a real bitch!

  87. 87
    Anonymous Says:

    Wow. So much insight here from both sides!! I have been with my husband for 15 years. Married for 10. We have 3 young children. I reconnected with a HS friend and pretty quickly ended up in an emotional affair. He is 1200 miles away. Been miserable in his marriage for about 1/2 of the 10 years they have been together. 2 kids. It’s been about 6 weeks since I got confronted & admitted to what was going on. Actually my H confronted me several times over the months but I denied anything. The 1st few times he asked me I really felt like it was only a friendship. It’s been 4-5 since I realized I had “feelings” for this OM. I believe when you are a good person who has always done the right thing, & you find yourself in a situation that is sooo wrong & out of character for you…that you never in a million years pictured yourself in, you try to figure out how you ended up here. It’s not always just “making excuses”. You just need to know how & why this happened. Some people here have said what I have always said: if you’re unhappy, if you have needs that aren’t being met, you don’t go out & cheat. You figure it out or leave. Be decent. Here’s the thing though..I didn’t know I had unmet needs until someone else was meeting them. Then once you’re in it it really is a euphoric high. If you read the exchanges between me & the OM it sounds like 2 star crossed teenage lovers. Such desperation to be together. We had our own FB page to express our feelings. Our lust & passion & desire. In a month there were 230 fans. Not all were horrible cheaters looking to support us. I posted a lot of cool pics & sayings about love, lust, long distance relationships. There were some personal posts and there were a handful of people following this relationship & really rooting for us. Believing as much as we did that this was love. To this day he says he knows he loves me. Unfortunately, stupid mistakes & not being careful about blocking etc our alias pages & shared community page were discovered. I only say its unfortunate because it caused my H a ridiculous amount of pain to see the exchanges first hand. Yet he’s still here. Still wanting to work it out. I’ve been caught almost weekly for the last 6 weeks with my hand in the cookie jar. H is still here. My H is a good man. He has never intentionally hurt me. But he had not made a real effort to be a true partner to me. As he says himself, I have been his rock and he has not been mine. I have been the glue holding it all together. Being strong enough for everyone. Full time job, 3 kids, big house to care for. Doing it all. He also was never the wooing romantic type. And that’s ok. But even when it’s expected there is no effort in showing me his love & appreciation. Walked through the door on Valentines Day empty handed. Asked me to stop at the store on the way back from dinner. I have told him several times through the years that I need romance, thoughtfulness, help with the house & kids. No results, & it’s not me to beg & plead & nag. Who wants to do that?? So I just let it be. Now there’s this OM who thinks the world revolves around me. I’m “the missing piece to his existence. His everything.” He claims he has never felt these feelings. I’ve cracked him wide open. He’s kind of a tough guy manly man. The strong silent & proud type. Now he’s emotional. Vulnerable. Being honest about his past, his thoughts & feelings for the first time. Trusts someone for the first time. He’s even starting therapy. He says I’ve shown him he has a heart & soul. That he’s not a bad person, just someone whose made bad choices. That he is deserving of love. That he is capable of loving. Of giving himself to someone. So it all sounds wonderful & heart melting. I was at the point of complete obsession. I felt like I would die if I had no contact with him. That’s why I kept getting caught. I would say it was done & be right back in touch. Desperate for the contact. The high. I know logically that a lot of what he tells me about his relationship with his wife could be BS or not the whole truth. I know logically that ending our marriages to be “together” means destroying our families (mine more extended than his. His family is all where I am. His wife’s family is where they are. Supposedly all are in the know of his misery). And I put quote marks around the word together because neither one of us will leave our kids. So I will be alone with him in my phone counting the days till one of us can fly out to see the other. Logically I know it’s not the makings of a strong relationship. Built on deceiving others, long-distance…it’s just not a formula for success. But that doesn’t make the feelings any less intense. Also my family will hate him. For awhile anyway. And that sucks. They love my H. There are no easy answers. Not when you can’t force your heart to feel something different. So as it stands now I’ve put down the OM. My husband & I are in marriage counseling which doesn’t seem to help. Will be trying another therapist. My husband is sleeping in the guest room but wants to forgive me. He’s hoping he can move past everything. Seeking his own therapist as well. Something he needed to do waaaay before all this. We are being kind to each other. Trying to show affection & caring. We are becoming aware of a lot of our per-affair issues. He has really stepped up in participating with the house chores. And that has been nice. I need to know if things don’t work out that I gave it my all. My H, my family..they deserve that. That I give it an honest effort. In the meantime I hope my OM will be working on himself. Trying to figure out his life. And that in the end everything will unfold & work out as it should. And that we all end up happy.
    I wish anyone on either end of an affair peace, healing & love. Most of us are just trying to get by & do our best. I am anyway.

  88. 88
    Anonymous Says:

    Gonna add my personal story here. I was married for 24 years when I engaged in an affair with a man that had been married for 21 years. I fell hard – this was the love of my life. We both left our marriages to be with each other. We immediately moved in together. Our children, who all were adults, were devastated. We worked hard to maintain relationships and attempt to bond with each others kids. That was in 1999. We married in 2004. My husband was on the hook to pay alimony for 11 years (1/2 the marriage). That ended in Dec. 2011; however, his ex wife took him back to court and won. He’s on the hook for life time alimony now. We also got the pleasure of paying her attorney fees since she could not afford to. The alimony is more than our mortgage. Of course we felt that we were worth it. In May 2010, my husband came to me and told me he had been having a year long affair with a co-worker. He called it off. She was 20 years younger than him. She wanted him to leave me and have a life with her and her 2 small kids. God, karma sure came back to bit me in the ass right? We’re working on rebuilding our marriage and some days I think it’s going great. Other days, I fall apart. And he still works with her – closer than he did before because their boss (who is not aware of their affair) felt that as team leads they should be sharing the same floor, same department, same office space. So he sees her every day. I’ve asked him to transfer out – but at his age (57) if he did, he’d be considered low man on the totem pole and be the first on to be let go should a lay off come. We know how this works since I was laid off in 2008. I’ve gone back to school, reeducated myself and got 2 degrees. I still don’t have a permanent job. He could retire early, but then we’d lose medical and his ex could take him back to court claiming he retired so he wouldn’t have to pay the alimony. Hands are tied here.

    3 years later and I’m still struggling with it. And I now can see how devastating it was for our spouses when we told them of our affair and left them. My husband doesn’t get it, because he’s never been betrayed. I don’t plan on showing him that either. While I’m 100% committed to rebuilding the marriage, this is hard. Really hard. No one knows except a mutual friend and our marriage counselor of his affair. Not his kids or mine. This is definitely a road I would not recommend for anyone to travel. I have constant concerns and things like “Once a cheater, always a cheater” as well as “If he cheated with you, he will cheat on you”. I honestly thought we had the real deal. My husband feels we still do. How can he say that when he cheated?

  89. 89
    Anonymous Says:

    I recently had an affair with a married man for over 6 years. I called him my “same time next year.” We would meet once or twice a year for an overnight of passionate, uninhibited sex. We also developed a deep friendship. During the affair, we spoke on the phone, would correspond via email, text, had phone sex, sexting and facetime sex. He knows me better than anyone alive. I loved him and at the time would have ended my marriage for him. But he was clear about the parameters of our relationship. He would never leave his marriage for an affair. He could never give me more. Always heartbroken the morning after and wanting more, I decided to replace him with someone more accessible and not so emotionally detached. Knowing that ending my marriage and breaking up my family was not an option but the fantasy of mind blowing sex and romance was something I was not about to give up.

    So I signed up on Ashley Madison website. Met a bunch of horny husbands and kissed a few toads before I found my prince — A married man who also was unhappy at home and needed to feel appreciated, adored and most of all needed hot sex. So here I am 6 months later and I have fallen passionately in love with him. We make each other feel like teenagers. He’s inspired me to make him playlists when he’s performing surgery, I write him poems. I want to grow old with him. I’ve never felt this way with any man not even my husband. The affair is not perfect. Logistics are probably the hardest. Plus he doesn’t have as much time to spare as I do. We both have children, his younger than mine. He married his wife because he got her pregnant. Not the best foundation for a lifetime of love but a choice he regretfully made. Clearly I’ve been checked out of my marriage for years but my family does function well. Even though my personal satisfication is why I engage in an extramarital affair, my children are first priority. It’s challenging when you’re in a sexless marriage with a supercharged libido and a husband who could care less. He’s communicated to me, “do what I have to do to feel satisfied…I don’t want to know about it.”

    Reading all of these affair statistics is discouraging. My clandestine lover and I are older — mid 40’s for me and 52 for him. My therapist tells me my fantasy world is a drug. I agree. But as long as I’m not being sexually satisifed at home, I have no other option. Porn doesnt’ cut it. Eventually, I figure my libido will wane as I enter my 50’s. My sexual affairs have fullfilled me in so many ways yet they have also brought many tears, anxiety and disappointment. What’s most troublesome is that I’ve never once felt guilty about cheating on my husband. I am not a narcissist.

    Another tip from my therapist is to think about what happens if we get caught. How would his wife handle it? would she find my indentity and contact my husband? My married guy is scared of his wife’s behavior. SHe’s a loose cannon and capable of making everyone’s life miserable. Whereas my husband just turns a blind eye. I think if we truly are unhappy at home, we should just end our marriages not because we are in love or have each other for support.

    However, If married guy and I do beat the oods and end up together, we agree that infidelities come with the territory. Passion is paramount to us but we know it will eventually level off. I’m a hopeless romantic and my intutiton tells me that he’s the one and we’ll beat the odds…as flawed as we both are.

  90. 90
    Anonymous Says:

    I read every comment and here’s my take. My husband of 5 years left had an affair with a coworker, who is also a married women (13years) with two kids. Adultery HURTS, it messes with your well being, and you’re left with a million questions WHY? But there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Whether or not the cheating spouse comes clean and cheats no more, or the mistress finds her TRUE worth and leaves her married lover, or the betrayed spouse takes this horrible situation and turn it into something positive; believe it or not, YOU WILL SURVIVE.
    For those dealing with the betrayal this is VERY temporary, nothing stays the same. NOTHING. And as you read all these different responses, it’s just MORE proof that whatever side of the fence you’re in, it is temporary.
    For the adulterous relationship TEMPORARY. For your hurt and pain TEMPORARY. For the so called NEW lover and NEW marriage TEMPORARY. God isn’t sleeping and people can say all they want, but God NEVER changes. So if you did wrong to your spouse and didn’t care nor repented and moved on to your new relationship; don’t think one second you’re marriage will NOT be attacked?
    Life is a full revolving circle, and Seasons Change.
    So if you’re happy right now in your adulterous relationship, one day you WILL not be. And I promise you, this will all be played back to you. Why? Because Seasons change. Be Encouraged those who are hurting, and know that Joy comes in the morning, and This too SHALL pass.

  91. 91
    Anonymous Says:

    I left my former husband for another man. Let me tell you, karma is real. I am so sorry for how much I hurt my former husband that I know understand all the devastation he felt. I had all the reasons for leaving him, including the fact that he was diagnosed as bipolar for years and was very unstable. I should have left him because our marriage was chaotic but not because of another man. The other man was just making the exit easier for me. I married the person that I left him for and after 16 years together and 11 year marriage he left for another woman. It hurts so badly ,it’s excruciating, I have had lots of pain and suffering in my life but never to this extend. I understand now how painful betrayal is, especially if a spouse doesn’t come clean about it. I found out after 5 months after he abruptly announced he needed space and moved out with the OW. While we were together, even up to the end, he did everything for me…so many acts of kindness. Now I know he was just feeling guilty. He tricked me into believing that he was devoted to me and that is what hurts the most. I never saw this coming. It feels like the OW took my life away. I believe that a man is more willing to work on a marriage if there isn’t another woman who gives him what he felt he was missing in the marriage. He doesn’t know that I know about his affair and betrayal and leaving me for her and I’d rather not tell him because that would probably just make it easier on him and worse for me. I’m in mediation divorce with him now but I know he is hiding funds to give me the least possible in financial support. I don’t work and have spent numerous years in school to earn my Masters degree. He left me short after I finished school. So many lies, so much deceit that. I’m shocked, as I never even thought he was capable of what he has done. I know the OW pressured him into the abandonment and divorce with me. I know who she is and had a bad feeling about her the moment I met her. She was working for my husbands business and than apparently left and came back to work for him without me knowing. The other secretary who works in his office knew and never let on to me about it. She acted as an accomplice for my husband. Disgusting! She is married with children and knew about this long before he left me. He comes over to the house now to bring the dog while he goes on vacations with the OW and than wants a hug from me before he leaves. Why? I just feel like he is Judas and torturing me. He has turned my whole world up side down and I will never be the same carefree soul I once use to be. He pretty much blamed me for needing to leave to me and our friends. I probably will never trust a man again. I trusted him completely and believe that if someone I trusted so much could do this, anyone can. Please help if you have some insights. Thanks

  92. 92
    Anonymous Says:

    Hello #91, this is #84…again. You asked for insights and it is clear you need support and a friendly shoulder. As you can tell if you read my previous post, I was the betrayed spouse. You have the unenviable mantle of having experienced both sides of the coin. This side of the coin, I think (and it is subjective) is the most difficult to work through.. My first piece of advice is that you need to stop believing you deserve this because of your past behaviour. I am sure many betrayed spouses would differ on this point, and lets be clear I absolutely do not condone adultery…I merely wish to help another hurt spouse heal. Now, let’s look at that statement about the OW taking your life away. You and I believe differently on this point. I agree she could have rejected his advances etc but she is not the one who committed to you, that is your husband. We do not own people, your husband made the choice to have the affair and leave…her part in this is far from laudable but she did not steal him away! your husband did this all by himself. If you believe he was forced etc, then he is a very weak willed man. This approach keeps you focused on blaming the OW and not holding your husband accountable for his actions. I also know from bitter experience that the longer you hold onto blaming the OW the longer you stay a victim to the experience. Try to let your blame toward her go, feel angry for her lack of integrity by all means, however… it serves no purpose to blame her, it solves nothing and is counter productive. I cannot offer advice on his behaviour, so many of us have been in your place where the man we trusted and believed in has suddenly turned alien. Much of what he will and does do, will be based on a sense of entitlement (it’s his his money etc) fuelled by guilt and defensiveness. I offer guidance based on what you have written above, and really, from what I can tell…you are a highly educated woman with potential. This man, has now had a second affair, left his wife again and appears to believe he is justified. My dear, I think you are being given a second chance. You deserve better and will find that when you let this relationship go, when you learn to be on your own for a little while, learn what you are capable of achieving…you will finally respect and value yourself. Then…you are in a place to attract a man of integrity and honour, I know this because I went through it. Your marriage was founded on betrayal and hurt, you know this because you acknowledged the hurt you caused your former husband. You now have the opportunity ( as much as it hurts) to do the right thing for you. Your current husband does not deserve you, believe this. Believe you can and will do better. How long this hurts depends on you alone. Read my original post on #84… It’s all about you now. Look at him, look really really hard. Do you want this type of person in your life. Would it be healthy for you and your future. He projects blame onto you, financially deceives you and abandons you. These are not the actions of an emotionally healthy man. This journey will be a difficult one for you, but for your own emotional and physical well being I encourage you to not waste time blaming. Focus on your own healing. I hope this offers you some comfort and wish you well.

  93. 93
    Anonymous Says:

    #85 – well said. It sounds like he already misses you.

  94. 94
    Anonymous Says:

    I have been married for 25 years to a wonderful man. Our marriage has been good, even though it started off as an affair. We were both married to other people and I got pregnant with his baby. We divorced our spouses and married each other. We get along well, but we have never had a sex life. We haven’t had sex for at least four years. I am not attracted to him in that way. I have been having an online emotional affair with a childhood friend. I want to leave and be with him. Our daughter is grown and the man I am communicating with has never been married. He has been waiting for me his whole life. I know it sounds crazy, but it’s true. I have started counseling because I recognize I am seeking happiness in others instead of within myself. It doesn’t change how I feel, though. My family knows I am having an emotional affair and they will not stand behind me if I leave my husband. My husband is supportive of me finding myself and he doesn’t want me to stay because I feel sorry for him. I know I shouldn’t have let myself get into this situation, but it is too late. I am in love and I want to be happy. What is wrong with that

  95. 95
    Anonymous Says:

    #94 – Sounds like history is repeating itself and although you’ve been married along time the grass wasn’t all that green for you either. Maybe its time for you to break the cycle and focus on your home life out first before entertaining an external distraction

  96. 96
    Anonymous Says:

    I’m now in a committed relationship with the man I had an affair with. Our divorces are nearly final. We love each other but struggle with the enormous guilt of destroying the lives of our spouses even though there were incredible deficiencies in those marriages that led to our affair. It’s easy to say you should leave the marriage first, then find someone new, but things don’t always work the way you want them to.

    We are committed to working through these issues to create a foundation for a relationship that’s no longer built on deceit and betrayal, but on trust and love and it’s more difficult that we ever imagined.

    I’m looking for a book that might help us work through our grief, guilt, etc. together so that we don’t lose each other through this process. I can’t find anything.

  97. 97
    Anonymous Says:

    Hi #95. This is #94. I so wish it was that easy! I am tormenting myself with the guilt because I don’t want to hurt everyone. I recognize my cycle and that is why I am seeing a therapist. I don’t want to be that person, but now that I have fallen in love, I don’t know how to end it. The truth is, I don’t want to end it. #96…my husband and I went through the same thing. We almost got divorced in the first year because of it. The only thing I can tell you is sometimes we just fall in love. EVERYONE is capable of infidelity. Good luck to you.

  98. 98
    Anonymous Says:

    #96 I feel for you deeply. We are all after a pain-free relationship. that’s why affairs happen in the first place. A need to escape pain. Alas the affair & it’s consequences deliver a new kind of pain. Just keep on talking terms with everyone in the kindest of ways.

  99. 99
    Anonymous Says:

    This article and the original one helped answer some questions for me. A male friend, 42, just moved in with a woman, 30, who is married and she was obviously having an affair. They both have 2 kids each. His marriage ended 2 years ago. I know this relationship won’t last because of the reasons in the article. She walked away from a 3 year marriage straight into my friend’s home. It’s not built on long term commitment. It’s not built on trust. She’s most likely seeking something emotionally and some sort of escape from everyday life and this affair would have given feelings of love euphoria, which will disappear over time now that the relationship is not secretive & has become reality. I was told her husband was a good man and wanted her back. I believe that the honeymoon period will end quickly, especially as there are children, and those same problems she felt will return and she’ll also realise my friend is very different from her husband. I’ll stay out of it and keep my thoughts to myself…after my initial verbal bashing I gave him…and when it’s over I won’t say I told you so. I’ll give him support. I hope her husband has the decency to close the door on her when she comes knocking.

  100. 100
    Anonymous Says:

    I’m thinking that it must be different if the man is simply attracted and doing it for sex and then thinking something pie in the sky about an often younger woman versus meeting someone at work or church or somewhere like that where they have similar vocations and values.
    Is the chance higher if they truly “get each other” versus they are super attracted?

  101. 101
    Anonymous Says:

    My experience with affairs….. is pretty traumatic as the others. MY first marriage was a long term marriage of 25 yrs. 4 children, the whole family thing, debts, mortgage, pymts..and my ex decided to just leave one day, yes we were having issues, financial, emotional.. but I thought it was a workable marriage that could be saved.. He started dating a woman of whom we had rental property, she was a neighbor. So he moved out, never telling me anything, working on his rentals, and going to each others houses. well that soon was exposed when I stopped by for something basic, regarding the kids.. and she was there..I must admit ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE!!!!!!! Police were called and everything… I did not have a clue.. he was acting strange.. but did not think he would even consider her.. she was/ and is huge… but we did go on through with the divorce..

    And they did marry for 2 years… she left him.. she started cheating on him.. he is single and looking stupid..now…

    My children were crushed, my baby was 9 mos. old, just starting to walk.. but that was the most painful reality for me…He did not even consider/ or care about his children…

    So I did recover from that.. it literally took me years to get it together.. a lot of therapy and soul searching… I just threw myself into my childrens’ school work efforts, and put all my time into helping them become stable children.. I had to be mom and dad.. becuz he would not help with anything with them…

    Next my 2nd marriage, it was years down the road and it was for 3 years, he was emotionally supportive, fun, forgiving, and just what I needed…

    He started playing on the internet on different websites..he was careless on leaving his computer up and open… He was on every dating website there was..I did ask him about this.. and he said no biggie.. he was just jiving.. and bored… just killing time…those women did not mean anything to him at all… I went completely off!!!!!! I told him how that was not a plus for our marriage… I told him to just leave… he did not.. he stopped for a month or two…

    Soooo eventually he met a woman from CHINA.. and they fell madly in love.. he got her a ticket and an apartment and moved her into the next state??? what I did not know any of this.. he told me he was moving out.. he is just not happy!!!!

    Sooo I was trying to work on the marriage with him while he had moved out.. dinner, movie, let’s talk, counseling, what is wrong…blah blah blah..

    I was on facebook one day and BOOOM…. everything was revealed.. he went and got married to her in another state..the pictures of the wedding at the courthouse, the reception, pictures of the apt. he bought furniture, tv, bed, etc…. they had pictures of everything…

    Next she left, becuz I was calling and asking him to try and work it out…before I saw the pictures on facebook..did not know she was even in the country… she was upset at me for calling him and talking to him… that BLOWS my mind.. I am his wife.. and she is upset with me..for calling my husband.. the nerve of these ppl…she was here for 2 months.. but she left… wow..she gave him an ultimatum.. tell me.. or she is not coming back to US…

    Soooo He finally told me.. after I asked him what was going on with him.. he was really acting strangely… he looked HORRIFFIC…again I went OFF..!!!! and told him to stay out of my life..this is so traumatic…

    So long story short.. He moved to CHINA to be with her…she said she was not moving back here… and dealing with me..??? there love does not see distance and miles…they will conquer it all.. He has been there for 2 months.. and he is e.mailing me to see if I will take him back… again I found out through facebook… I saw he was there.. not ever telling me he was going over there!!!

    I am so sick and tired of LYING, CHEATING, UNFAITHFUL MEN… why not just get a divorce a move on to whomever they want.. Why do these men even marry?? they should just date and search websites for different women.. I dont think they should ever say they want a COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP…it is so painful, heartbreaking, and cowardly…. of these men to cheat on their wives and children

    My children are not married.. they are afraid of getting in committed marriages,, they do not want the drama.. I do try to encourage, support them to marry… but ppl need to think of their actions.. not only your desires and wishes..

    No I do not want him back.. there is no TRUST at all..I don’t want a marriage where I must check your phone, computer, gps tracker… no trust… I am not that type of woman… so I don’t want that type of man….It will take me some time to heal again… I just want to know where are the COMMITTED, FAITHFUL MEN.. many married men approach me.. and I am not interested…

  102. 102
    Anonymous Says:

    Are there any updated stats on the affair partner and the husband/wife that left the marriage?

  103. 103
    Anonymous Says:

    I have to say that my husband and I started our life together having an affair. I was married to a man I wasn’t in love with in the beginning. We had a son together, so I assumed it was the right thing to do to get married. I had an affair with his best friend, who wasn’t married, but in an 8 year relationship with a girlfriend with whom he had 2 children. My point being, 20 years later we are still together, and happily married. So I guess we are one of the few who beat the odds. I think there are more relationships that have flourished and survived that are resulted from affairs, then the studies show. Most people are not going to tell everyone that they had an affair, as being as how they met. My husband and I have always been honest about it. We are not ashamed of it. It was hard in the first few years, and a lot of hurt and pained inflicted on a lot of people, but our love was strong enough to keep us together. It can work out for the affair partners, we are proof.

  104. 104
    Anonymous Says:

    My husband if 26 yrs began his affair with another married collegue who is 14 yrs younger than him. This woman has now divorced her second husband to continue her affair with mine. He says she is the woman of his dreams and is sorry that he didn’t meet her earlier in his life.
    I can’t save the marriage. My 23 yr old and 19 yr old both say “Mom. Let his ass go. Move on.”

    We ‘ll be divorced in a few months.

    I guess I just want the satisfaction of him and her failing. Idk…karma maybe.

    This woman is childless and he recently had a vasectomy. He asked me to go with him. He said that she will never know that he doesn’t plan on telling her.

    I also found out that he set up an account on Ashley Madison while he has been with her.

    Maybe this is just a case of “once a cheater. Always a cheater”

    I actually feel sorry for this woman. Sure he’s divorcing me..but every month she’ll be waiting for a pregnancy that’ll never happen with him. She’s 37 he’s 51. She left her 33 yr old second husband with good sperm to be with this cunning old dog.

    No matter. .I got a beautiful son and daughter out of the marriage.

    She gets and old liar/cheater and if she stays with him…empty arms with no little one to kiss or cuddle.

    Month after month trying and no baby.! Tick tock, tick tock.

    What a pair! Dirty old liar with a lying childless wh*re.

    When you steal from someone. ..prepare for impending loss.

    Tick tock…tick tock.

  105. 105
    Anonymous Says:

    This is a great story for #104, I know exactly how you feel on your marriage ending..It happened to me as well.. but that is exactly what she deserves,for cheating with a married man..My ex was trying to get his girlfriend pregnant, and she did not tell him, she had her tubes tied years before he came along. let her try and get pregnant for a year or 2, and still no baby in the story. They will go to fertility experts,and try and figure out the problem. He will have to confess his vasectomy, another divorce he must pay for!!!! Karma makes everything so much BETTER…

  106. 106
    Anonymous Says:

    Thanks # 104. Sometimes it feels like karma has missed these two like # 63 said.

    To me…infidelity is bad..but double infidelity is worse. That means double karmic payback.

    I’ve read that karma gets you years later. I’ve read horror stories of lost limbs, eyeballs etc.

    My friend told me a story about a sister who stole her big sister’s husband .
    Years later the little sister and the stolen husband died when their car turned over.

    I would love some more karma stories on this site. Just so all of us who have been betrayed can feel there is some kind of justice in this world.

    My God! Can people just come along and just sledge hammer all that you built??

    All of you out there that steal another’s spouse and alienate someone from their kids…take care!!

    You may lose a limb or an eyeball or more. Maybe your kid will be taken away..something that was precious to you. You’ll get to feel how that feels.

    You’ll lose that him/her the same way you got them!! But that will be nothing compared to the other misery coming your way.

    Take care cheaters.

  107. 107
    Anonymous Says:

    If you read the Pittman book you will find that the outcomes are different for affairs and long-term marriages than for marriages of shorter duration (less than 8-12 years). This was the only group where the “infidel” was more likely to wind up with the affair partner.

  108. 108
    Anonymous Says:

    #107… I’m #104. Let get this straight. . Short term marriage group has higher incidence of winding up with the affair partner that long term marriage group…that infidel that is.

    If so, that’s good news.

    There’s a site out there called she’s a homewrecker. Com. Betrayed spouses can put the mistress’ photo and details of the affair so that these people can be publicly outted.

    I guess some of us want some kind of payback…I think its long over due.

    Maybe karma takes too long ??

    Some of the stories on there are heart breaking. Just can’t understand how cheaters can wield so much destruction and walk away unharmed.

    Somebody should make a site for cheaters karma stories. Just so betrayed folks can have some stories to laugh at !!!!

  109. 109
    Anonymous Says:

    Fantasy: I was married for 28 years to my high school sweet heart, we drifted apart…. and then I met the “one” at work and entered into an affair, which was awesome as we both met at the beach and other places, no kids, no bills, just the beach and our perfect love and man the sex was awesome!!!… we decided that we were meant to be together… she left her husband and I left my wife so we could run away together and live the perfect life… Reality: I lost everything, my home, my finances, my children, my grandchildren, my job and I crushed my ex’s very soul. My Marine son beat the hell out of me but me and the perfect “one” hung in there for 3 years until the stress and realization of the devastation of our decisions hit us in the face like a iron pipe. Prolog: Me and the “one” are not together anymore and I may never recover the broken relations, the hurt, the pain, my honor, the debt… blah, blah, blah… What I learned: Affairs are a lie from hell and everyone that goes that route will suffer the consequence and your selfishness will devastate the hearts of everyone you cares about…. I deserve to be executed for the pain and suffering I have caused to sooo many good people including the “one” and she is in the same boat…. It has been a living hell and I truly mean that! God have mercy on us and please comfort all lives “I” destroyed…

  110. 110
    Anonymous Says:

    I’m 104.
    Just an update since I wrote 3 1/2 months ago.

    Two weeks ago at nearly 1:00 in the morning , the mistress calls the house looking for my husband saying she was “worried” and she wanted to know if I knew where he was.

    I kept my cool , even asked if she was “okay”, as it was so late to be calling anybody’s house, let alone the wife of your married lover.

    I told her he had some friends over. She then asked me if I could please go get him for her. I asked if she tried him on his cell phone , since these two technology assholes use every mode of communication known to modern man. I was surprised that she wasn’t able to reach him. I was even more surprised at myself for behaving in such a civil manner to this piece of human garbage.

    I put on my robe, went downstairs, knocked on the bathroom door and told the infidel that she was on the phone and she was looking for him. He said, in a dull and unhurried manner “oh. I’ll be right out.” He took his time wiping his ass and finally took the call.

    Wow!!! The mistress has to ask the wife to find the infidel for her!

    This whole fucking world has gone insane.

    A few more weeks and I will be out of here with my money and possessions.

    Hope to find a wonderful new relationship that is clean, untainted and lovely.

  111. 111
    Anonymous Says:

    I’ve been in an affair for 18 years now. My lover is now 49 and I will be 54 in May. The judge imposed a restraining order seven years ago on him because his drinking was so uncontrolably dangersous. He even showed up at my house while my husband was home, and drove his car through the fence. He had a stalking charge imposed, and had to complete an anger management & alcohol abuse class. He started a relationship with another female that he had known when he married his wife of 14 years before ending in divorce. His new girlfriend must have had as much control issues with him as he had with me. We are still involved now because he and the other female ended there up & down relationship. It breaks my heart everytime he spouts out the sentence, “You’re married”! I do love him unconditionaly and have not had sex with my husband since the 18 years I’ve been in love with him. He did have anger, alcoholism, and issues with not graduating from his Master’s degree program. He gained a tremendous amount of weight, too. He is now completing his degree and seems to be getting it together. I work constantly and will have my Ed.S. in May. He, too, should get his MS in May. May will be my 25th wedding anniversary, my 54th birthday, and another major milestone in my education. Where do I go from here?

  112. 112
    Anonymous Says:

    I think Cheaters get married because married people have a certain level of respectability. They NEED that image to cover up the cheating part. It’s a sham. Marrying a cheater is like marrying someone with bad credit, or a felony record. It would be a tough gamble. The same goes for taking a cheater back. Why? Because cheaters have zero credibility because they are in fact a cheater (a known liar with no character and quite possibly personality disordered) so you can’t honestly take their word for it. They would have to be monitored and watched very carefully. Naturally, you would have to be always hypervigilant, suspicious of every work/personal relationship they have with the opposite sex. Unless you are a policeman, what kind of life is that?

  113. 113
    Anonymous Says:

    #10…if Karma ever rears her head to bite you in the behind…you’d better hope you have on some thick jeans or a really good health and counseling insurance plan.

  114. 114
    Anonymous Says:

    I was cheated on 2 years ago by my soon to be ex-wife.
    Read this and wanted to share. Helps with moving on.

    In the case of infidelity it is easy to become stuck in a place of anger that is blinding to the reality of human relationships and behavior. Name calling, accusations, judgments and a cry for punishments are all evidence of how both parties in a relationship (or its aftermath) can go to dark places. We all think that WE love our partner unconditionally … unconditionally, that is, until they break a condition … then watch out! But, unfortunate as it is, infidelity is probably overrated as the underlying cause of divorce.

    Relationships are by nature dynamic and humans are by nature imperfect … this is a recipe for error … and trial. Try standing on an exercise ball on the deck of a small boat on a turbulent ocean … two things are going to happen … you will experience a fall … and you will be understandably uncertain about which of the challenging circumstances was primarily responsible. Marriage and relationships are similarly fraught. The relationship aspect (harmony) will always fall ahead of the legal partnership (divorce) and with uncertain causes (or certainty as to fact of myriad causes). As Louis CK says, “Divorce is always good news … no good marriage has ever ended in divorce … that has happened … zero times.”

    Some people will hold the illusion that vows alone will maintain a relationship or that simply keeping their own side of the street clean will entitle them to family stability, but these illusions lack a compassionate understanding of the imperfections of the partner they chose (and themselves). Anger is a natural human emotion but it is something to experience (it is a gateway to other emotions) and move past (we move to other more nuanced emotions when we see circumstances more clearly).

    Guilt (the feeling you’ve DONE something wrong) and shame (the feeling that you ARE something wrong) are both common to people who haven’t yet embraced the reality that we are all imperfect works in progress, doing our best and trying to make sense of difficult circumstances … trying to stay on the exercise ball … and trying to rebound in a compassionate way when we fall off. Respect (or lack thereof) for marriage does not have anything to do with gender … it has everything to do with respect for people and the challenge of keeping a relationship together as something far more cooperative than a blind oath and a legal arrangement.

  115. 115
    Anonymous Says:

    There is a site called SHESAHOMEWRECKER.COM. You can put photos of the mistress if you want and tell your story and out these people. .

    This is especially nice for those “professional” career women who like to do co-worker affairs.

    Tarnish the thief’s reputation and hurt these preditors.

    Sometimes…inflicting damage and hurt on a mistress is the only way that a person can move on with some satisfaction.

    Also..of course. ..take the cheater for all he is worth.

    These suggestions are great alternatives. Afterall, we can’t legally do a “Lareena Bobitt” now can we.?!

    For all of us who have been betrayed…good luck and move on. Mark my words, you will hear about the tragedies of these cheaters later on. Just give it time.

    I would love to hear some stories of how cheaters and mistresses suffered later on.

  116. 116
    Anonymous Says:

    My wife is having an affair and we are divorcing. While I can see that our divorce has many causes, her claiming the affair has nothing to do with it is utter nonsense. Her affair has caused me tremendous grief. Fact of the matter is cheaters are self absorbed cowards.

  117. 117
    Anonymous Says:

    My husband of 8 years has an affair with some slag he meet and within weeks he left me and my 2 kids for, my eldest was devastated not only for us splitting up but for him leaving the country! its been 7 months now since he saw his kids and has no intention to either he walked away from us all. I also found out he was cheating on me for yrs with other men, as his boyfriend got in touch with me to tell me that he was sleeping with guys behind my back! I was devastated the man Id spent 11yrs with 8yrs married to could do all this. Then I was told he likes to dress up as woman to!! my world crashed down around me! he did all of this and I never knew, so why leave me for another woman if he like that!! well he told me she accepts him for what he is a lying, cheating, scumbag man who sleeps with everything cause she is meant to be a slapper that sleeps with everything to. so they seem suited to eachother! I get no financial help from him took him to court he never appeared. Im so done trying for him to be a father to out kids when he obviously doesnt want to. I got work and pay childcare and do everything on my own and its hard work! people who go have affairs and cheat never realise what they do to the people they leave behind!! my oldest child hates his dad and thats not to do with me! my ex has ruined it himself by not being in his life! its breaks my heart for him. the kids never deserve this! im doing good but some days I feel so sad that ive wasted most of my life with a liar and cheat!! i want karma to come back to him cause I dont understand why he thinks behaving like that has no consequences!! Im ready to meet someone better and hope i can! but affairs and liars go hand in hand I hope it ends sorry for them. How a relationship can work for them on all the lies its based on I’ll never know.
    Thanks for listening need to vent today.

  118. 118
    Anonymous Says:

    I am going to speak from the 10% perspective. Myself and my fiance started out as friends which led to an emotional affair eventually physical. He knew his marriage had been over for years. We ended our affair because of the guilt and I waited for him, talking once per day. It was very painful but we knew it was right for both of us to start over the right way if that time came. His marriage was eventually over and he came back to me. We believed and kept patience and our love actually did withstand all of the trials, tribulations and guilt of the affair. There is no question that our love wasn’t strong enough. Statistics are statistics but every marriage and affair are different with different dynamics. The biggest mistake people in affairs make is mistaking infatuation for love, and eventually it subsides. If love is truly there, it will never die. My fiance left and never looked back. I see him truly happy which is something I never saw in him when he was with his wife. Thing of your average monigomous relationship and apply the same statistics to those. It’s likely that the statistic is similar in that 10% will result in true love and will survive into something meaningful. The remainder are infatuation and people will eventually move on. Married or not, the statistics when applied to real love are all relative.

  119. 119
    Anonymous Says:

    NUMBER #118. You said you ended you relationship, but spoke to him once a day. Ummmm? Ahhhh?! That’s not ending it dumbass. You are still GUILTY of breaking up a marriage because you kept contact which was undermining his marriage whether you accept that or not. You were still LURKING in the background. ..secretly, am I correct?

    Stop trying to use stats to justify your theft and make your relationship seem legit. It’s not. It started inherently wrong!!

    As for the cheater. Well, alot of of them use the “my marriage was over years ago” line to trick jackasses like you. He stayed in his marriage because he is a coward who did want leave until he got someone else. Didn’t want to jump ship if he didn’t have a lifeboat.

    Your relationship IS NOT true love, my dear. Your now stuck with a happy coward who mistreats women. Good luck. You’ll need it.

  120. 120
    Anonymous Says:

    Well, were do I start. I am currently married to a my wife of 36 years. All but 10 of these years had some sort of conflict in them. Within two years of our marriage (each of us where 18 years old), she would step out of the marriage by seeing a friends brother. We would move out of our apartment at the time and go our separate ways (no talk of divorce at that time). Later I would learn that this affair by her was “one-time thing,” that she felt very guilty about. Her explanation to me would be that I paid more attention to my family (a large one) than I did to her. As I was in the military at the time, several years later we would move across the country for a couple of years. Once during this time, I would suspect that another incidence of unfaithfulness would occur again. This would not be confirmed to be until year 32 of our marriage. Spin back to our year 2 reconciliation and we would begin salvage our relationship and decided that the time was right to have children. Due to medical problems with her, our first daughter would not arrive until year 16 of our marriage. These were very difficult years as her sole focus was that of having children. Looking back I would say she pretty much lived in a constant state of depression at that time. Just prior to the arrival of our first daughter, I would be away on a 5 week course. During this course I would meet a woman 8 years older than myself and we would hit it off immediately. I should say that the first advances where made by her but I did receive them well. I disclosed this 6 month affair to my wife and we again moved on from their. Three years after the birth of our first daughter, I would retire from the military and relocate to a different province to begin my second career. Our second daughter would be born there. My wife would be a stay at home mom until our second daughter began school. My perspective only but these where the best years of our currently 36 year marriage. I was an exceptional father and involved myself in my children’s activities until the oldest was 17. My wife would reluctantly return to work (unskilled) after our youngest entered school. It was at this time that 8 years of distance between the two of us would occur. She resented me for “making” her work and I felt the same for her not wanting to. At year 32 (2010) I would meet a wonderful young lady (29 at the time, with her having her 30th birthday the day following this meeting). I would learn of her problems and her aspirations of fixing them. She was a mother of two girls herself with the father of these not being in her life due to his problems with drugs and alcohol (he would subsequently pass away 8 months later due to and overdose). I would open up and speak to her of my disappointment in my marriage. I don’t know why I did this, but I did. Maybe it was that she was a stranger to me and that I could just empty my feelings that day. I don’t know! We would exchange phone numbers that day and go our separate ways. I knew that she was travelling home the next day and wished her a safe journey. My next communications to her would be a short text asking whether she arrived safely home to which she would reply yes. That was it. Several months later, I would receive a short text from her to say hi to me. The following days would encompass many texts as we were on opposite ends of the country on vacation. These texts would turn to phone calls and approximately 2 months later she would fly here to see me. I rented a room for her, picked her up at the airport and brought her back there to get settled. Not 5 minutes through the hotel room door, we would be become very physically involved which lasted until I had to go back home. Yes I was cheating! I was at an emotional high (lets face it she’s 30 and I was 51 at the time). I did feel that I had let myself down though. I would see her the next day again. We live 650 Km’s apart from one another and my job frequently reduced this distance to 130 Km’s when I travelled south for business. Over the next year and a half we would have a discreet affair that was mutually beneficial to both of us. 6 months into this period we began to fall in love. I would meet her daughters a year later (she would not let me meet them sooner). The process of falling in love with her daughters would begin that day unbeknownst to me. I remember the day I would tell my wife that I wanted to move on with my now lover and friend. It was the day after my 53rd birthday. She of course exhibited all the expected feelings and emotions that one in her position would. I left and would find a room to stay in here in town and would subsequently travel over a 100,000kms visiting my girlfriend and her children over the next two years. We do several trips together and I would totally fall for her youngest who was 2 years old when I first met her. My lover and now best friend find ourselves at a cross roads (actually, there has been several in the past few years), but this time is different. She was permanent commitment and my divorce. I love her in every way very deeply but cannot get over the guilt that I feel over my wife’s actions towards all of this. She has abused alcohol most of our married life and this has magnified over the past few years. She has attempted suicide (Tylenol) and has come in our (GF and myself) life in a very negative way almost weekly. All she wants is for me to come home and make a go of it. I won’t lie, that would be the easy way out (financially and also from a lifestyle standpoint). Our oldest child just finished 3rd year university and our youngest will finish grade 12 next year. Do I love my wife? The answer would be yes, but I am not “in” love with her. I don’t have much respect for some of the choices she has made including wanting me back 4 years later. My children will not have anything to do with my GF. This is my biggest concern … my two girls. I do love the love of my life. I love everything about her. I think I have done too much reading regarding our relationship status. Firstly aged differenced and the challenges there. She does not mention this and nor do her friends and family (including her mother and father). My biggest concern though is the stats on affair based relationships. The figures don’t show well here. Dammit I wish I didn’t work in the Engineering field and that numbers weren’t important to me. Oh of course there is the 68,000 – 90000 spousal support that I must consider too (another number). Despite the spousal support with my remaining income and that of my GF, we could easily survive. I almost know what I am going to do. The part of me that doesn’t is trying to rationalize it here.

  121. 121
    Anonymous Says:

    It pains me to see people who are having affairs rationalize their actions. Yes, human emotions and situations are complicated, but you cannot be a person of integrity and have an affair. You made a promise to honor your spouse. If you can no longer love them, you need to honor what you once felt about them by letting them go. Before you start something with someone else.

    And, @120: Seriously? Your girlfriend’s parents are fine with the fact that you are a cheater?

  122. 122
    Anonymous Says:

    #121 … I’ve been out of the family home for 2.25 years now and living on my own. I did not meet her parents until after our affair had come out in the open and I had completely removed myself from the family home. I was simply not divorced at that time. Many reasons for this. I continue to financially provide for my family in a manner that I always have. A long lakeside walk last evening and I have made my decision as to where my future goes. I’ll make one last trip to see my GF in the very near future. A face to face to end this relationship. Despite what my heart tells me, my mind is shouting out warning bells. As an example, I do know that she would have extreme difficulty understanding that I will be paying spousal support (up to $90,000 annually). I on the other hand do not. I see it as my responsibility and more importantly it is ethical. One thing I do know, is that my 36 year marriage is over! Too many skeletons in our closet. I’ll be taking two years to regain the respect for myself and put myself back together. As well as having my youngest daughter finish high school and move onto post secondary education. Then I will relocate to the city and start anew.

  123. 123
    Anonymous Says:

    #120.

    It doesn’t matter if you moved out of the family home! You were not officially divorced! You are a typical cheater. Now trying to legitimize what was and still is, illegitimate.

    “I see it as my responsibility and more importantly it is ethical” you stated.

    Rolling my eyes! YOU IDIOT! Holy mother of God. You can’t be that stupid.

    If youre an engineer who builds bridges…please tell us which ones so we can all avoid them.

  124. 124
    Anonymous Says:

    #123. & #119, obviously the same person. Why are you bitter and angry? Are you a wife who was dumped? People are hear to share stories and get advice, not be bashed and ridiculed. You obviously have some bias issues going on in your own mind in regards to this subject. Get over yourself.

  125. 125
    Anonymous Says:

    To whoever posted comment #10 and 15. You’re a black and white thinking ignorant idiot. Grow-up and ‘smarten-up’ yourself. Life is not so cut and dried.

  126. 126
    Anonymous Says:

    I married young, to a man that was a good friend but once life got real, (bills, children, careers, etc.) we were never compatible…not even close. I had an affair with who is now my husband of 10 years. He was married at the time too. We defy all odds when it comes to a sucessful marriage, but we both know the sacrifices that each other have made just to be together and we never take that for granted. If anything battling the storm in the beginning has made us closer with a deeper love. We also realize the sin that we did commit by our choices and realize that we cant change the past and the people that we have hurt, but it does give us more endurance to make this marriage work so it wasnt all in vain.

  127. 127
    Anonymous Says:

    If you live by the sword, you’re gonna die by the sword. Not rocket science.

  128. 128
    Anonymous Says:

    I have read most of the comments posted, and must agree with all. Life is not black and white it is a mess of all different shades of gray. All these different shades are created by life experiences, high expectations and lack of self love. Take a good look at these shaded areas and learn to separate needs from wants soon u will have a better understanding of how black and white life can truly be. I have played on both sides of the field and have learned that what we do has a great impact on every one around us. We make mistakes believing we are doing what is right for ourselves. We can be so driven by emotions that we loose the ability to reason and logically analyze our situation. It does not make us evil or cruel. We are learning day by day, that’s what we do and it can take a life time and many regrets in order to achieve happiness not just for ourselves but also for those around us. It’s so easy to judge but never as easy to help.

  129. 129
    Anonymous Says:

    #120: Just read your story. Being the engineer you are, I know you like statistics, but please don’t believe everything you read on the internet about affairs. I find a lot of it to be BS, IMO. I like what #128 says about life not being black and white, but rather being shades of gray. This is true and the internet seems completely black and white when you read the garbage about affairs.
    Why is there so much on the internet about how Men Don’t Leave? I know plenty of people who have left their wives and husbands for their soul mates and it have lived and learned, and now have successful 2nd marriages. There are so many statistics out there about the % of 2nd marriages that don’t work. Don’t believe it! It’s almost like when you have a symptom of something and you go on a symptom checker website and then end up believing you have the worst deadly and fatal illness out there. Apply the same theory to all these internet sites about affairs.
    It’s BS. I don’t why so many people advise others in truly unhappy marriages to try to stay and “work it out” or to “communicate in a different way” because if they haven’t for this many years they’re NEVER GOING TO. One will just end up cheating again. Why on earth stay, just get divorced and go after a more, happy and fulfilling life if you wish and stop sitting around miserable in a marriage because EVERYONE ELSE thinks you should for moral reasons, or because the internet says to. Go find love.

  130. 130
    Anonymous Says:

    I just recently found out that my spouse was cheating on me. NOTHING and I mean NOTHING hurts more than this. Not only am I suffering, but also our young daughter is suffering. There is no excuse for someone to cheat. If you don’t want to be with someone, then at least have the decency to get a divorce first. 🙁

  131. 131
    Anonymous Says:

    I’ve been on both sides.
    My husband (S) and I were coworkers when we met and for the most part our friendship was 100% appropriate until one day when it wasn’t. We never had any idea that we would end up together when we met, I had a boyfriend, but that was going through some rough patches and we all knew it was just a matter of time. He had a wife and a little girl and he never EVER talked badly about his home life. One of his best friends at work took in interest in me and started spending all his time around me- and by extension so did S… The first time I went to his house was as a guest of the friend to a party they were having. I met the wife, who didn’t speak to me at all- and his daughter who was an adorable toddler. I thought the wife was cold and mean, So on my own- without any help from him, I had already made up my mind that his wife was a terrible person. Our friendship at work grew closer, but I didn’t see him outside of work for several months. Then again they were having a party at their house and since I would be drinking I had already arranged for my boyfriend at the time to give me a ride home. S gave me a ride to his house, and his wife was suppose to be home… but she wasn’t. When he realized that we were alone in the house he seemed to have a mini anxiety attack- he left the door open, opened the curtains on the windows, and then immediately called his wife’s cell. He called 3 times back to back and left one voice-mail explaining that he was at the house with me and he just thought she’d be home. He finally shrugged, said she might just be driving and didn’t want to answer. With the front door still open he made us drinks and brought dining chairs into the living room (we didn’t sit on the couch). I thought the whole thing was weird, but hey- women are crazy and maybe she thought we had something going on and he didn’t want to catch shit about it. We played video games for an hour and when his wife still didn’t show he finally called his MIL to see if she had stopped by. She had, but her mom said she left hours ago with “a friend.” S visibly relaxed, closed the front door and we had a lot of fun just hanging out together until other people started to show up. When his wife finally walked through the door she said “I got your voice mail, but I was at my mom’s and we got caught up talking.” Which I knew from his phone call was BS. He shrugged and said it happens and let everyone have a nice night. I started to feel closer to him because my boyfriend at the time was going through substance issues- alcohol mostly- but whatever his friends had he took. I also felt that I couldn’t talk to anyone and I had become somehow responsible for my boyfriend so I felt trapped. That’s when things became fuzzy because we were still friends- but we had crossed over into emotional issues. We opened up about things we were unhappy about, things we wanted to change, things we couldn’t tell anyone and had never told anyone before. He admitted that he hadn’t slept in his own bed in almost a year- not because his wife kicked him out, but because she was having an affair and he couldn’t bring himself to sleep next to her when he felt like she didn’t want to be around him. I told him about my boyfriend and how much I didn’t want to be with him anymore, but how I felt obligated because he said I was the only thing that made him happy. S didn’t tell me I was stupid, he completely understood because HE also felt obligated to stay in a relationship that made him unhappy. It was unbelievably addicting to have someone who understood- without judgement- what you were feeling. We started spending more time together outside of work and if we went a day without talking it felt like hell. I knew we were crossing a line, it’s hard to explain, but at that point it felt like an addiction. It was like having a crush in highschool and he was all I ever thought about. We hadn’t even talked about anything inappropriate so it wasn’t hard to justify continuing to hang out and I was confident I could keep it that way. He talked about how hard it was becoming to stay home (they were fighting now)and he talked about getting his own place, but he didn’t know how he would pay for it on his own with child support and he was bummed because he wouldn’t get to see his daughter. He “jokingly” asked me to be his room mate. We had been friends for almost a year without doing anything we should be ashamed of. Then one day we were standing in the kitchen laughing about something when he leaned in and I KNEW he was going to kiss me so I turned away from him. He turned the kiss into a hug instead (first hug) and I started to shake- because I loved him. I knew I loved him- but I didn’t want it to be like that. He told me it was ok and that he understood- so I looked up at him- and then he kissed me. I wasn’t as strong as I thought I would be. We had the shortest affair. I left the house and broke up with my boyfriend the next day. I didn’t tell him everything- but I told him enough. S stayed with his wife despite all his talk about leaving and I knew I’d made a huge mistake. I felt like the stupidest person alive. S and I kept talking over text and email, because being away from him felt like all the color was out of the world, but I kept my distance physically. After a few weeks his wife became suspicious of my complete absence and hacked his email. She then kicked him out… he said she went OFF on how terrible and selfish he was for screwing around, and he looked at her and said “ya well so are you.” At which point she told him that he needed to get out. He moved in with his parents and didn’t immediately start a relationship with me, which hurt. I felt again that I was just a naive stupid girl. We still talked, but we had gone into a limbo of somewhere beyond friends, but not quite lovers. He worked things out with his wife and they decided that they were too unhappy together and would make much better co-parents. They’ve been friends ever since. When things settled down with his wife, he came to me again- but neither of us were sure we weren’t just rebounds from terrible relationships, it took us a few months to make it exclusive and move in together. We are 8 years together now. We hit a particular rough patch about 2 years in where he started forming a close friendship with a female coworker and when I asked him to talk to me about it he said it was nothing and started hiding his texts or lying about her. Um… hello- who was the “just a friend” not that long ago? I’m not THAT stupid. However I knew that it was him being unhappy that his exwife had moved away with his daughter and it killed me that he wouldn’t talk to ME about it. The cycle started over again only it was ME sleeping on the couch because I didn’t want to be near him anymore. No matter how I reached out he pulled away. I finally called him up one day at work and told him that if he couldn’t be honest and open and invest in our relationship that he needed to pack his things and leave. I didn’t care that they were just-friends because I knew that he was investing emotionally in her the way he once had in me and I wasn’t sticking around to see the way it was going to end. He left work and rushed home- gave me 100% access to everything he’d been hiding and admitted that he was developing feelings for his friend and had been justifying it the way he had with me. He said that it had started because he was feeling things that he was worried would upset or worry me if he brought them up. To his credit he cut off all personal contact he could with his friend… I don’t know what excuse he gave, but I’m sure he was honest and said I’d gotten upset- which makes me cringe. He admits that he still thinks about her- but when he does he feels sick about what almost happened. Who knows how honest he is being. I think he is incapable of communicating because he never tells me how he feels anymore unless I corner him. He said it’s hard to be honest about his feelings because when he is unhappy he doesn’t want to make me unhappy.. So he creates an environment where he has to turn to an outside source to vent… and his female friends seem to naturally want to complain about their relationships so it makes it easy to find something in common. :/ I’m generally laid back and I’m open to any conversation so I don’t understand why he is afraid to talk to me. I think the reason most affairs don’t work out isn’t because the people are incompatible or their “sin” negatively impacts the relationship… I think its because the people who cheat never actually address the REASON for the affair. I almost let my Husband slip into an affair because I thought he was unhappy because of his relationship with his wife. After getting to know him better I’ve realized that his wife cheated because she felt alone in her relationship due to his lack of communication and that she was only hurt MORE when he learned she was having an affair and he literally did NOTHING except move himself to the couch. He kept everything to himself and then used me as an emotional dump.. then he tried to do the same thing to me. He uses affairs the way men in movies use bartenders. I still love him and he is still an amazing dad- but I have to play counselor as well. Watching for signs of him pulling away and gently forcing him to open up about whats bothering him. It’s been 6 years since and there has never been another incident after we were able to isolate what was happening and address it. I think that even if we had both been single we still would have loved each other because we had more than our affair in common. But who knows- without our terrible relationships in common we might never have opened up about our personal selves enough to really connect. I think affairs start when you open your private self up to someone other than your partner, its not the physical aspect that hurts the most- its the emotional betrayal.

  132. 132
    Anonymous Says:

    I have been in an affair for 2 years with a close friend I’ve known most of life. She really has brought life back into my life. I had already told my wife before the affair started that I no longer wanted to be married. She felt the same way. However, after me and my friend connected my wife changed her mind and wanted to reconcile. My feelings have not changed. Most people think you leave your spouse for the other person, but it doesn’t always go that way. Sometimes you are just ready to end things. I would never leave one person for another. That usually never works out. I’m leaving because the marriage of 20+ years ran it’s course over 7 years ago and we never came to terms with that reality. I wish I was legally divorced before me and my friend changed our relationship to more than friends, but I’m not giving up the love of my life.

  133. 133
    Anonymous Says:

    What is unclear about marriage?

    If your marriage isnt working then fix it or get out of it first before you begin a new relationship!!!!!

    Why is this such a difficult concept to grasp?

  134. 134
    Anonymous Says:

    What you can’t grasp is that marraige is not easy to get right out of. In most cases people still care about the other person, but realise the relationship no longer is working. That means people take into consideration not trying to hurt someone the still feel love (other not in an intimate way) for. Most marraiges have kids involved, finances to work out, etc. It’s not that simple to just “get out” even when you want to get out.

  135. 135
    Anonymous Says:

    I have read all the posts other people have written. I understand it is very normal to be judgmental and angry at the “cheater”. I get it. If the tables were turned, I’d be hurt too. I did not set out to have an affair. My life was one big whirlwind and “he” fell in it…
    My story… I have been with my husband since 1984 and married since 1993. I am 46 years old. I was 17 years old when we started dating. Being a teenager at the time, I ignored many signs that we weren’t meant for each other. He drinks a lot, can be quite temperamental, does the “silent” treatment and only has interests in sports. We have one son. I basically have taken on all the responsibilities in the household and with my son. I spend a lot time alone and doing things without my husband. I am not making excuses and should have left many years ago. But I didn’t. Never in a million years I would have thought that another man would enter my life. But he did. As a another person wrote ” Once your heart takes the lead, you better be ready for the ride.” I found myself alone at one of my son’s sports events. A divorced father of one of my son’s teammates sat near me. We started talking and it all started there. I found an instant connection to him. We talked about everything. The next thing I know were where texting each other constantly and making plans to meet. I know that he was just a “bandaid” filling a void in my life. And he knew I was married. We couldn’t offer each other a “real” relationship but that didn’t seem to bother him. I literally was only able to see him 2 hours per week. He has a full life and I had more time on my hands than he does. It was thrilling and exciting to actually have someone be attracted to me and show me attention. I felt good about myself at first. Unfortunately, things progressed to having sex. But, I was getting myself too involved and could not handle it only as sex. I was finding myself wanting more. I couldn’t go out in public with him for fear of being caught. And each time he had plans to go out, I found myself so sad and sick that I couldn’t be with him. After 2 months, I made the decision to call it off based on the fact that what we had was based on dishonesty and secrets. My husband isn’t there for me and neither is “he”. So I basically was all alone anyway. But, what I’m finding now, after only 3 days of calling it off, I feel like a heroin addict trying to detox. I never in a million years thought I’d feel this way. As another person wrote, “You better have your guard up and emotionally prepared, which is impossible as you’re never ready for it, because it will hit you like a Mike Tyson’s uppercut and knocked you out”
    I feel like I’m paralyzed. I can barely eat. I’m the one that stopped it trying to do the “right” thing, but right now I feel sick to my stomach over it. And yes this is from the “cheater” point of view. But, if you have never been in the situation you don’t know what it feels like. And no, I am not telling my husband what I’ve done. I am trying to make better decisions based on what just happened. It’s not easy.

  136. 136
    Anonymous Says:

    I have been married for a long long time and so has my lover. I lost all respect for my husband years ago due to his drink problem. We have discussed divorce but my husband has threatened to commit suicide if I leave. I would dearly love to end my marriage. My affair is a symptom of my marraige problem and not the cause. What do you do if you have a husband who is so dependant that he would kill himself. I am not an uncaring person

  137. 137
    Anonymous Says:

    You people have too much time on your hands. 🙂

  138. 138
    Anonymous Says:

    My husband of 10 years had an affair on me. He started an affair with a woman he worked with and tried hiding it from me, but I found out about it and finally got him to confess to the affair. The affair was only going on about 3 weeks before I started getting suspicious and found out. We had been together for 14 years and had two children together. The day I got him to confess I kicked him out of the house and he immediately shacked up with the OW. He hurt a lot of people by having the affair including himself. Our kids were devastated and I went through a lot of emotions and it is the most painful thing I have ever gone through. He was torn and said he still loved me, but also had feelings for her. He told me he wanted to try to save our marriage, but put no effort towards doing so and continued having the affair with her. I think it was even harder on me that he continued to lie and play head games with me and pretty much wanting to have both me and her. I made a tough decision to end the marriage and went and filed for divorce. At first I was a little hesitant because of the kids and I didn’t want them to grow up in a broken family. The kids were 6 and 9 at the time. Once I made the decision that the marriage was over and I could never go back to him because I would never be able to trust him again I felt a lot better and started to heal. I believe once a cheater always a cheater. After I divorced him I learned about another time he cheated before we were even married, and I found a couple emails to other women wanting to meet up. Not sure if he did ever meet up with any of them. I also found him responding to dating ads after we were divorced and he is still dating the OW. Not to mention he kept coming back to me for sex and a couple times I gave in since I wasn’t in a relationship. I think I did it more out of spite for the OW and for the satisfaction of knowing he was cheating on her too. Just this weekend they decided to get married. I am certain the marriage will not last and he will do the same thing to her. He has already cheated on her and if the opportunity came along he would do it again.

    I am a big believer in Karma and they will both get what they deserve and already have had plenty of Karma. My ex thought I couldn’t do it without him and thought I needed him and would never divorce him. One of the best Karma’s is proving him wrong and I have been happier and better off without him. Moved out of our house we had together into a much nicer and bigger house. He moved into a small apartment with his OW into a not so good part of town. As soon as we got divorced my ex got fired from his job and since then hasn’t been able to keep a job more than a month. With the affair he started a huge web of lies and they have all spiraled out of control. He has lied about dying of cancer 3 times, and lied about having other medical conditions just to get attention. I paid all of the bills and he didn’t know how to and his credit is completely ruined now and even got his car repossessed so now he has no car. Which he lost his license for not paying child support anyway and having other unpaid tickets. He forged checks of his parents and tried cashing them and got arrested and charged with forgery. Him and the OW has broken up several times in which each time he would come back begging me to take him back and even threatening to kill himself if I didn’t. Well I didn’t take him back and he didn’t kill himself. His life pretty much hit rock bottom and he took his kids maybe 3 or 4 weekends before he started making excuses and not taking them anymore. I started dating a wonderful man and eventually he started getting close to the kids and we moved in together and the ex had a very hard time knowing another guy was around the kids. Then he decided to tell people that both his kids died and even had fake death certificates made up to show his GF and made her believe they were dead. Shortly after this they decided to run off and hide from reality for a year until I found out where they were. For a year he didn’t contact his kids in any way and nobody knew where he was. Hasn’t paid child support or even had a job for two years. Eventually he had a warrant issued for him because he was on probation for his charges. The OW’s ex husband decided to contact me on facebook and tell me where they were hiding at and gave me all the information I needed. So I gave that information to the police and he was arrested.

    Since he was arrested he moved back and started talking to his kids and got a job and started paying child support. (He kind of had to since he was in trouble and had to go to court for both his probation violation and contempt of court for child support) He now says he is trying to change and be a father to the kids. Said he ran away because he thought all the problems he created for himself would just go away, but he said it only made them worse. His kids will never have any respect for him after everything he has put them through. For the kids sake I am hoping he is changing and will be in their life again.

    As for the marriage that started with adultery I don’t think it will last. They have already broken up several times and she found out about some very huge lies he told. One of the times they broke up was because he was suppose to pay rent and didn’t and got them evicted from the apartment. I guess the OW will get her Karma when he does the same thing to her. I am pretty sure they can’t have much trust in that marriage after all of the lying and cheating. My biggest concern is the kids being affected and having to deal with their marriage when they know that relationship is what destroyed their family. People really need to think before having an affair because it really hurts everyone involved.

  139. 139
    Anonymous Says:

    Still feeling raw and confused. After 26 years and 2 kids (17 and 15), my husband and I decided to end our marriage. 6 months ago when I suggested that if he truly wasn’t happy in our marriage, then he had my permission to leave. His unwillingness to go to counselling and the constant walking around on eggshells became unbearable for me. His most recent job required him to commute from Monday to Thursday, which turned into Monday-Friday which turned into leaving many Sundays or not even coming home at all. We have a second residence where he works and didn’t move as a family because he didn’t want to move the kids while they were in high school. I’m so naive.

    3 years ago, my husband told me he wasn’t sure he wanted to be married to me any longer. That if he stayed, we were going to have to work on our relationship. He was tired of being “thrown under the bus” for working so damn hard to provide me and the kids with such an amazing life and expected every moment he was home to be about him. Both children are heavily involved with varsity sports and marching band consumes time on the weekends. He rarely accompanied them to events because he was too exhausted from his difficult travel week. Every day made it harder and harder to want to be married. Sex became “porn sex” with no real emotional connection. He became evasive and secretive and although everything in my psyche was screaming he’s having an affair, I didn’t want to believe it and I didn’t want to “rock the boat” for fear he would leave us. Even after discovering the secret bank accounts where he squirreled away large amounts of money and the charges on our credit card which weren’t benefitting any of us, I still didn’t want to face the truth. He has yet to admit any indiscretion when the circumstantial evidence is overwhelming. I mean how dumb can you be when you return your wives belongings from your second residence and there are several articles of women’s clothing that don’t belong to her… dumbass

    So here is my dilemma. Because I agreed to end our marriage, he is portraying this to the outside world as a mutual decision. He has convinced our children that I wanted this as much if not more than he did. He says I am his best friend and will always be and that he sacrificed everything by giving me sole custody of them. He has spent a total of 10 days with them in the last 10 months including their summer vacation because now he has to work twice as hard to support two household. None of his friends or family have been able to visit him at his home for the past year. The first time our daughter visited him at his home, she was introduced to his significant other. A women 24 years his junior who he met through work. He swears the relationship is new even though they been living together for months. My children truly want to believe this of him and it takes everything I have to not tell them the truth.

    I don’t feel it’s my place to protect him, but I also don’t want to be the one to show them the ugly side of their father whom they both idolize.

    You comments / suggestions are welcomed.

  140. 140
    Anonymous Says:

    For the last post.

    I left my 27 yr (2 kids 24 and 20) marriage also. Traveling husband who over the years was a serial cheater. His work was used to justify his time away even on Saturday and Sunday. Growing distance between us, and roving eyes for younger women year after year. Because he supported us was the constant reminder that he was out there “busting his ass” for his family and paying for our lifestyle. I guess he felt he needed to have his own recreation outside of the marriage. I finally became so frustrated with his picking fights with me and basically living as if he were a bachelor I just told him to leave if he wanted. Little did I know he had already moved on.

    He was a nasty narcissist . He stole the wife of a good friend of his (14 yrs younger) and is telling everyone that I told him to do so.

    Amazing how perfectly he set that up.

  141. 141
    Anonymous Says:

    There are many sad stories here about infidelity. Perhaps its time for humanity to look at marriage differently. Marriage wasn’t initially meant to be romantic, it was a business decision – a contract. The problem is that humans crave the intoxicating emotions that come from romance. The many stories on here supports the idea that humans aren’t monogamous. I don’t know the solution, but we definitely need to do something differently. Perhaps, if we knew that husbands or wives would occasionally have passionate relationships outside of the contract then it wouldn’t be so devastating? I think the other problem is that we sometimes convince ourselves that the only thing standing between us and everlasting happiness is the right person. The truth of the matter is that in most cases there isn’t a perfect person. The emotions that we feel in affairs and in new relationships are simply chemicals. It isn’t magic. I do know that ending a marriage with a good person or cheating on a good person hurts the children. I’m almost 40 and I am still affected by my father’s frequent infidelities. It makes me not trust my partners and it makes me want to strike first – I leave before I get hurt or cheated on. I’m much more predatory and less caring than I would like to be. The only reason I haven’t pursued much with a married man is because of the pain I saw my mother go through for most of my childhood. Find some other way to experience passion, not through breaking up families and hurting children. Children always hurt when families separate. If it is really your soulmate, then wait until your children are out of the house and settled in college. Your true soulmate isn’t going anywhere anyway. Right?

  142. 142
    Anonymous Says:

    There are so many sides to marriages and as people have said it’s tough either way. I’ve been in an affair for over 5 years but I’ve only been married for 8. I can honestly say when I started the affair I was a coward and wouldn’t face the problems in my marriage. I had trust issues and was convinced that my husband was cheating on me so I cheated back. Very stupid idea. The short term gratification has been replaced with 5 years of insecurity, anxiousness and sleepless nights. Starting an affair is literally digging your own grave. I’ve become so used to having an affair I don’t even know what my marriage is like without it. I want to be free but now I’m trapped in my own stupidity.The OM is also married and keeps pushing for us to leave our spouses and get married, but as a child from a broken home I know there’s no gold at the end of that rainbow and all parties are hurt and broken in the end. You ask why not just break it off , because for me I realise that the OM is a n obsessive loose canon now and if I try to leave he could destroy my marriage in revenge. I’m stuck between a rock and hard place bec I really don’t want to lose my husband and cause him the pain I know this would bring bec despite his faults he is a good man and I am a selfish human being. I can honestly say I’m am paying for my sins. I don’t judge anyone who gets into an affair but I honestly believe it’s not a good idea. Like I always tell the OM, if you really don’t want to be married leave your marriage not for me (or someone waiting in the wings) but for yourself. If u can’t do that then you probably really don’t want to leave. I deserve my situation and regret it and hopefully soon I will have the strength to face the consequences of my actions.

  143. 143
    Anonymous Says:

    I recently started I guess I will call it cheating. Me and my husand have been maried 26 yrs and it has been a roller coaster. It was all about him he had to have sex all the time. I didn’t but if I refused he would get very angry at everyone in the household. It was like that for yrs until he found out I was talking to another man for a couple of months and then he tried to turn it around just because there was another man in the picture. I went to this man cause he went though the same thing. He is divorced and we started out as friends for a couple of yrs then it became serious between us. I started going to him for advice, he was was there when I needed him for confort. I didnt expect any of this to happen, it just did. I really care about him and he does me. So where is this going, and will I ever luv my husand again I luv my husband but I told him I’m not in luv with.

  144. 144
    Anonymous Says:

    People have continued posting here for over 3 years. My turn for some thoughts on the issue.

    I am married and having an affair. It started innocently enough with another married woman at work. Nothing inappropriate was said or done for years, but the feelings between us were intense. The dam finally broke last year and it all came pouring out. What started as an emotional affair neither one of us wanted to take further turned into a physical union with ridiculous talk of marriage. I love my wife, but we lived in such a disconnected relationship for so many years, it created the space in my heart for this other woman.

    OW and I have tried to scale back our relationship yet I miss her daily and want to be with her all the time. I’m pretty sure she feels the same. It’s been hard to be a good husband all the while thinking about OW. My wife knows about OW and we are living apart for the time being until I can pull my head out of my ass and make a decision.

    I think what happens is we get married at a young age and things are mostly ok. I’ve been reflecting on this for quite a while lately and marriage for most people is something we fall into: 2 people are already in long term relationships, the time is right, maybe there’s a baby on the way, they are already living together, there are family expectations, friends are getting married, both are genuinely decent people and the effort to break up and find someone new isn’t worth the effort so we (they) get married as the next logical step. Later in life people drift apart and, at least in my case, I didn’t realize what I was missing in my relationship until I met OW. For those of you who aren’t involved in affairs, as hard as it is, try not to be too judgmental. I am good with money, a good father, I rarely drink, and don’t do drugs. For the most part I am, or at least was, a stable person in control of myself. Having said that I never imagined how out of control I could get until I met OW. It’s as if all my personal boundaries and emotional walls fell down with one racy text message. I don’t expect sympathy from anyone especially given the damage I’ve done to my family, but black and white moral judgments aren’t helpful and don’t really address causes of infidelity.

    I hurt wife and my kids by my behavior. I also hurt and damaged my OW too. I know the OW doesn’t get a lot of sympathy, but she is a real person with feelings too. Lastly, I hurt myself. Nothing good has come out of it. One very hard life lesson learned.

  145. 145
    Anonymous Says:

    I just had a friend marry their “affair partner.” I’m taking this badly and feel like I barely knew this person because I would NEVER want to be friends with a person who has behaved the way these two have. The way they flaunted the affair was absolutely disgusting. They had zero shame or guilt. They are constantly using words like “soulmate” and “meant to be” and acting like all is just lovely.

    Their odds at lasting are really bad, right?

    I’m thinking of completely backing off of the friendship. The ex and the ex’s loved ones (they had no children) have been completely broken by all of this.

    It CANNOT last, right?

  146. 146
    Anonymous Says:

    People who brag constantly about their illegitimate relationships are really trying to drown out their conscience. “Showing” the world that they joined forces and shit on others and got away with it is what is keeping them going. Oneday people will get bored with them and they won’t be able to feed off of the negative attention.

    The way to handle these people is to quietly disappear from their lives. Quietly dump them.

  147. 147
    Anonymous Says:

    My husband left me twice in the last 9 months because I found out about his affair around new years. Worst day of my entire life. I LOVE HIM so much and I always have. This woman he met at his old work. He told me he was unhappy only in the past few months about 2 years ago, when I was offered a GREAT new job more money. Hard work, but it was good. They met, and since I was not giving him my time as much as he was used to, she was telling him what he wanted to hear. I believe that he will now be moving in with her again for the third time. he said that he was unhappy being there twice before and I belive that he will be again unhappy. She lives with her MOTHER!!!!!! So its the 3 of them. We own a home, have a child, have everything he wants, yet he says he does not love her, and does not want to marry her. I have filed for seperation as I cannot afford a divorce and I dont believe in one. I also tho dont believe in cheating on others who are married! And she knew it.

    Not sure if I want him back, I love him dearly, but do they usually come back? After all this time? Its been almost 10 months since I found out and I honestly thought he would have been back by now. Hes living with a friend down the street from me. Please tell me this cannot last? He has no relationship with his child now as she wont talk to him. Please I know that I deserve better, and I want better, but how do you love someone so much that hurts you. I have called him everything under the sun. But bottom line is, I do love him.

  148. 148
    Anonymous Says:

    My husband cheated on me after being married for 10 years. The woman he was involved with knew he was married, but continued the affair
    for over a year. Together they planned my husband’s escape from our marriage, in which unbeknownst to me he claimed he felt unloved and miserable. She gave him tips on how to hide their indescretions, and often when go as far as silencing herself when my husband called pretending to be elsewhere. Once I found all the evidence of how serious their affair was, my husband could no longer hide this from me. He begged to keep his family together, and we are in counseling trying to overcome his infidelity. I can tell you firsthand that forgiving isn’t easy, our marriage will never be the same no matter how much counseling we get, in fact I am still asking myself if I made the right decision.

  149. 149
    Anonymous Says:

    I don’t think people get up one morning and say: I am going to start an affair today. It’s because they no longer feel connected at home, something is missing, that they end up in this situation. Sometimes it happens so fast that they don’t even know it. It’s hot and fast and hard, and steamy.
    I have been both cheated and I cheated on.
    My relationship came to end when, after being discovered as a cheater and after trying to fix things I find out that my ex-now husband was cheating on me with 3 other women. He told me that he could not stand the coldness of our marriage. Truth be told, I had stopped loving him and having sex with him felt like rape each and every time.
    We let go and the only regret that I am left with is not leaving when I have first discovered things aren’t working. Those years of my life I will never get back.
    If you don’t love your partner, let them go. It may hurt for a while but a lot less than living with a stranger under the same roof.

  150. 150
    Anonymous Says:

    If its dead its dead, if its not then it will survive. Life is too short to not be happy. Accept the risks and move on or stay in it and be miserable. It’s your choice, Not all the foolish people that comment on these sites have walked in your shoes.

  151. 151
    Anonymous Says:

    Comment 136, his drinking is his problem, Not Your’s

  152. 152
    Anonymous Says:

    Comment 137 YOU’RE SO RIGHT. I am not going to live my life according to what other people think or do!!!

  153. 153
    Anonymous Says:

    I met my boyfriend while he was married (25 years) and living with his wife and two teenage children. We became friends and he opened up about not be happy in his marriage, they had grown apart, didn’t sleep together, etc) His wife found out about our friendship and insisted on marriage counseling and they did that for awhile. During counseling he could not make the decision between her or me, she asked him to move out. It was causing a great deal of stress within their family so he said he was moving in with his friend. Within days he was living with me and we have been together ever since (going on 3 years now!)
    He is great, we love each other and have enjoyed growing together. We have since moved several states away from his family for work. He is my soulmate.

    I had hoped during this time that he would begin the process of divorce but told me that it would be difficult because of finances and insurance. He felt that it was fine that he and his wife just remain separated. He also didn’t want to do anything to upset his children more than they are. He has one child that does not speak to him at all and another that occasionally calls or texts. Because we live out of town he doesn’t see them that often, maybe a hour every month or two (well the one that talks to him). I do know that he talks to his wife at least once a week just to catch up. They seem to have an amicable relationship and although she wants nothing to do with me she has stepped back to allow our relationship to grow.

    My concern is that when we return to our home state or relationship feels different. When we have run into their mutual friends he does not introduce me as his girlfriend. He has never introduced me to his children or his family. He says that his ex is very close with his mom and siblings and they aren’t ready yet. Our world is an open book when we are away, but when we get back to our home state I still feel like the other woman.

    I have recently found out that his wife has filed the paperwork for the divorce and they should be divorced within the next 30 days. I am honestly surprised she did this and a bit upset that he wasn’t the one to handle it. Now the divorce is written in her benefit and he has turned everything over to her (guilt I suppose). Because of this he will be in a financial bind for quite a while and I will be the one covering our apartment, cable, heat, entertainment, etc. I started realizing that if it wasn’t for me my poor boyfriend would be virtually homeless.

    So there is the problem…is he with me because he loves me or because he is backed into a financial corner? Is he not open about our relationship with friends and family because he is embarrassed about how it started? I know that our relationship didn’t start under the best of circumstances and I have heard all of the “cheating on you” lines. But I really do love him and want this to work. I just hope he doesn’t ever think we were a mistake.

  154. 154
    Anonymous Says:

    My ex left me in 2013 to be with his affair partner. They are getting married in the next few months. She makes well over six figures to my modest public servant income.

    Here is what his fiance is NOT aware of (though she knew he was married and didn’t care)… she is marrying a guy with 50k in bills (part owed to IRS).

    He cheated on me the ENTIRE 7 years we were together – up to and including posting an ad of himself on a “cheaters” website.

    He left me our third year of marriage for a married woman with two kids – he eventually came back after a few months of putting it all in my face.

    His fiance also doesn’t know that when she (the fiance) was out of town, my ex was seeing a SECOND woman behind her back. He eventually dumped the second woman because she was marreid with two kids and it was just a physical thing.

    So it’s true… when you marry your affair partner, you can’t complain that you didn’t know you were marrying a guy who cheats on his wife.

    He’s all yours! You deserve everything you get.

  155. 155
    Anonymous Says:

    We have been together since 2005, he was 17 and i was 16. he was crazy about me in every sense. always called, aways visited, always told me i was beautiful, always affectionate, always holding my hand, always all over me. even on our worse days fast forward to practically 9 years later. but before me, he was in love with a girl that didnt want anything to do with him like that, they didnt date, she was only his friend. she only saw him as a friend when he poured his heart out to her but didnt seem him like that. I remember all this because when him and i started talking as friends, he told me all about her and how he felt so strongly for her because she was there for him when his life was crumbling bc of issues at home. anyways, during the first 2 years of our relationship he had already asked me to marry him and i said yes, but just not yet and he didnt care because the important thing was that we were together and each other’s…we are each other’s first in everything. i also made the mistake of keeping in contact with my ex, spending time with him and talking to him. putting my friendships first. according to him, talking to ex’s and male friends is big NO in relationships are utterly disrespectful and disloyal and fucked up Period! so it was typical teenage girl things that i was young, stupid and naive enough to believe that it was a problem in my relationship. he didnt like any of it, basically gave me an ultimatum, them (friends/social life) or him. As i said, young and stupid, I chose him. since 07-08 i cut off everyone and i mean everyone and changed my number. my only social life consisted of me going to school (nothing else) and him for 3 full years. i gave up dreams and ambitions for the sake of the relationship because he didnt trust me and i needed to rebuild on it, plus we were in it for life. he didnt really hang out much during those years but he did have his moments when i had absolutely nothing. regardless of it all we had a deep connection and commitment, i wasn’t perfect and neither was he but they were common relationship problems. Even though we had our problems, nothing changed the way he was towards me. Always all over me, always affectionate, told me he loves me every single day, tells me he misses me every single day. that I’m his everything every single day. Always hugging me, always holding my hand anywhere and everywhere we went. We had sex at least 5 times a week. We traveled to different places and vacationed at least once a year.The romance always came from him and we spoke/texted every single day for just about anything. We are super close. In 2011 i transferred to a school 3 hours away. It was hard because he didnt like the fact that i was hanging out but regardless i didnt take his feelings into consideration and did me because at that point, it was 3 years that was all about him. i had no friends, nothing, only him. my 2 years away was a problem, many fights but we somehow got through it with many obstacles. Even though since my mistakes in high school back when I was 16 he has yet to let go of or not hold against me, at this point its been 5 years and he never let a day go by when he didnt remind me how much i broke the trust between us because I spoke to my ex when I was in high school. I finished in may 2013. That summer He went away for about 3 months with his family. came back in sept. he started school. i went through his phone that he had and i found that on my birthday he was talking to someone via and trying to be discreet about it. i asked him about it, he got all mad and said i had no reason not to trust him. we fought, he said whatever excuse he gave me and i let it slide. november came around and i looked at his phone again and found out that he had been talking to some random girls on instagram liking the pics and commenting on them. basically things boys do when they’re single. because a man in a relationship does not do these things if they have any respect for women. i didnt tell him until the next day he said he was sorry and everything, I was fuming. I was beyond pissed off. next morning, i was still angry and he stormed off. intuition told me there was more out there that i don’t know about so i took it upon myself to investigate. i went online and found out he has a fake Facebook page (bc Facebook and just about any major social media site is a big NO in our relationship according to him) its fake because he used a completely different and unordinary name for it AND made sure it wasn’t searchable I came to find out that he was in contact with said girl/”ex” mentioned above since 2009. not just in contact with her but he literally went out of his way to not only make a page, hide it, and then look for her in order to keep in touch with her. After all the bullshit he gave me for 8 years at that point about it not being allowed to speak to an ex or have friends that were of the opposite sex, it was a major slap in the face. he was a hypocrite, because he was doing it since 2009 and had the nerve to hold everything against me, made me change my complete life for him, give up my friends, etc. i was done and heartbroken. i broke up with him. i couldn’t believe what had happened because everyday he is loving and affectionate even at this point 8 years, our flame was there fully, it never died, he was always the same with that but he was also lying to me and hiding things from me and breaking the trust and loyalty at the same time. that didnt make any sense to me. he tried to reconcile and explain himself and whatnot for about a month we were back and forth about everything but we weren’t together. i gave him an ultimatum while i was in south beach for NYE (mind you even though we were broken up, I stayed faithful and loyal like we weren’t because I was willing to give him another chance) either he wants to get back and give up his freedom until i could trust him again or to let me go period. start of a new year and all, i wasn’t going to carry that heartbreak with me. we got back together when i got back from my trip on jan. 3rd. since then we decided to live together in one of my family’s house. he took it upon himself to help out my family in the business we run. we did it together until july of this year. it was a new venture for us, we weren’t getting paid, not enough income from the business for the first few months, just enough to buy food and pay off some bills since we weren’t paying rent. he did it to help m family and to be with me because he could’ve left at any time but he stuck it out for the sake of my family because we saw our relationship basically as a marriage for a long time. by june we were unhappy, more me than him about the whole situation. we decided to go ecuador for three months and did exactly that. him and i have roots there, he was born there and we always wanted to go together and meet each other’s family. we left in august. and i met his whole family, he introduced me as his wife. also stayed affectionate and loving and caring and catered to me. those qualtiies in him never changed. he met my family. he got sick and i took care of him. i got real sick and he took care of me. we stayed with his family the entire trip. we planned for investments and we planned our future and retirement there. we were planning our wedding there as we had always spoken about. everything was great. of course we fought, at that point it was 10 months of spending every day of the year together. waking up together, working together, sleeping together, traveling together. we didnt get bored, we had fun, since 2014 started up until the end of the trip we had sex at least 2xs a day. the very last week in ecuador, literally a month ago. i found out some things. as much as we were having fun i just had a gut feeling that he was still hiding things from me but i wanted to trust him so i didnt go along with it but once we were in ecuador, it just got worse. so one day when he left his computer open i had found out he was messaging a girl on Facebook, i didnt think nothing of it. i was bothered real bothered because he didnt tel me about it. it was the hiding and secret that got to me. the day before our flight back to the US i felt i needed to find out something else and i did. i found out a conversation he had with his friend telling her “i love my girl with all my heart but i can’t stop thinking about this other girl” “last time i saw her at the club it was her birthday and i bought her and her friends some drinks and wish i had more money because I wanted to show her a good time” “every time her and i see each other its like we both know what we feel but don’t act on it” “i feel like I’m destined to be with her, i think thats the person Im suppose to marry” “i hope in the future she isn’t married because I wouldn’t want to break up a marriage” “i can’t wait until i get my shit together, a job and money when I get back so I could be with her” He said all of this the day before my 25th birthday while we were in ecuador while i laid in bed next him I WAS CRUSHED. I had an anxiety attack. I was devastated. I had to leave. I didnt want to. Only one day left until we headed back. I had been at his family’s home for 3 months, i couldn’t just leave but i had to. I couldn’t stand the idea of being there when he got back, i wouldn’t have been able to look at him. i screened shot what i found, left it open, told him Do You on a note. next day, day of the flight. i asked for my seat to be changed. saw him, he saw me and didnt say anything. i cried the entire flight home, i was in pieces. the following day i logged into his Facebook page (i know the password) saw that he had told his mother I left him and that it was because i saw what he wrote to his friend about his “ex” i didnt even know it was about her he sent his mom a picture of her, she was now pregnant. he told his mom that life works so crazy. that he should’ve taken her (his mom’s) advice and should had let me go and pursue his “ex” a long time ago but now she’s pregnant. So his mom knew about him and everything else pretty much I saw another message he had with his friend telling him that i left him and also sent him a pic of his “ex” who is pregnant he says “i told you about her and back in november her and i were talking, things were going good but I didnt want to get with her. i decided on the 31st to be with my girl (me) and stopped all contact with my “ex” but now my girl left me because of a convo i had about my “Ex” to someone else. Hence I should’ve keep it real and pursued my heart and pursued “ex” regardless of the outcome” If i was crushed into pieces, what i found turned me into ashes. I was done, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. I can’t deny, i love him but i don’t know what to do. does he love me, clearly he does but he also feels some type of way about someone else too. He Stays denying that it was nothing more but words, he never felt any way towards her or anything. He started having dreams and ran with it but shouldn’t have. He could’ve left so many times, there was nothing tying us together, we’re not married, we have no kids, just our love and relationship what has kept us together. but what does all of what i found mean. He keeps on sticking to his “never had feelings for anyone but me” he only wants me and always only wanted me that he was just talking shit and it was nothing more otherwise why be with me if he felt so strongly but said person. But all i could respond is Why say anything, Especially everything you said. no one talks about someone else to that point in such a way if there are no feelings. What does it all mean?? Stay or don’t? Give it another chance, again or not?

  156. 156
    Anonymous Says:

    Dear #155, If you want a snowball’s chance of receiving a response, it will be beneficial to consider the frequent use of paragraphs, and the virtues of being terse.

  157. 157
    Anonymous Says:

    I am in love with a man who is legally married to a foreign women. Only after he got married he found out that she is still married to her husband in the foreign country. He showed me all the emails he forwarded to his lawyer to declare this marriage null an void. Am I doing something wrong? He spends more time with me than at home and I can feel that he is totally connected to me. Am I wrong? Please advise me.

  158. 158
    Anonymous Says:

    I was married for 15 yrs. I did everything outside of the house and inside along with raising two kids….my ex did nothing to help and I still worked 2 jobs. My ex lost his job and decided to come work with me (mostly women.)
    Gets close with one of the women there…all of sudden our marriage was bad. I confronted him about seeing her, he stayed out all night and bought drinks for everybody.. (likes feeling like a big man). I put him out of our home and he cried to come back that he would let her go. So I let him back in, but he never stopped seeing her…he told me she understands (man ego).I was sick of walking on eggshells. I let him go, filed for divorce and he tells me I filed to soon. He didn’t want a divorce but he didn’t want to give her up. Asked me if they didn’t work could he come back home. See she divorced her 3rd husband for him. He lived with her the whole time and didn’t have anything to do with our kids. She had 2 boys and he went as far as coaching her son in ball games, whereas he told his daughter that coming to see her was a waste of time. Now 4 yrs after divorce the OW nagged him till they married. Now he has grandkids and so does her kids and he has nothing to do with them unless she says its ok. The only time now our kids have anything to do with him is when they want something but the wife can’t know. Now they are planning on building a house on her son’s land with everything in the son’s name so our kids can’t have anything. You know I don’t care what he does to me but our kids they didn’t ask for that, but nor did I…makes me sick to see. Her son got married and they were invited but was not asked to take family photos with them at all nor were they allowed to sit with the family…I will NEVER understand any reasons for his actions cause he is not the man I married…I do believe in karma. No matter what anybody say it will catch up with you.

  159. 159
    Anonymous Says:

    You are responsible for navigating your own path. Every decision you make will bring consequences. Think before you act & be ready for whatever it is that you choose to do.

    Judging is much easier than learning… Be careful how you judge, your life isn’t done.

  160. 160
    Anonymous Says:

    Hi #44.

    I agree with you 100%. When you’ve made that commitment to each other, when children are involved, when one person will be devastated financially from the divorce,when you’re BREAKING UP A MARRIAGE, deciding that you love this person, and deserve to be happy in life–is completely SELfISH, So many other things you can try to do to fix your marriage before jumping ship. Immediate gratfication feels so good, doesn’t it? And the years it will take for your children to recover from this, lifetimes even, Can it all be possibly worth it??? One final note, ladies please don’t sleep with married men. Make sure he goes through all the necessary steps first, counseling, spending time with his spouse, being completely honest financially with his ex, actually files for divorce and moves out ot the house (don’t sleep with him, please, when the time comes it will mean so much more to both of you—-all these steps are a necessary process before he sees you as more than an exciting diversion from a life he’s tired of pretending to live. And for the sake my children, I need their dad to reover from this mid-life crisis, hand-grenade fueled disaster that it has become.

    Thanks for reading…

  161. 161
    Anonymous Says:

    After 37 years of marriage i found my husband was in an affair with his subordinate in the office for last 14 years..he is her boss.he is very repentant now but i not able to forgive him.he has lied and cheated .now that he has been laid off his job he has confessed.can our relationship work.can such a man be trusted.he ignored me ,ill treated me,neglected me when the going was good. I stayed in the marriage for financial reasons,for a roof over my head as i had nowhere to go. Should i continue to live with a cheater or shall i leave.i suffer from extreme depression ,and loss of self esteem.

  162. 162
    Anonymous Says:

    What some of you fail to realize is that many marriages have been over for years before people start straying. And the truth is that both spouses know this. I don’t think many people are blindsided. They just ignore and/or accept the failed marriage as it is until something like an affair, drug addiction, etc happens. Most people just stay married because of kids, finances, fear of being alone, and status…even though they share no interest, aren’t in love, and have grown so far apart the barely know each other. I have only met one couple where the person was blindsided, because everything seemed perfect. Turned out the one who cheated had a split personality.

  163. 163
    Anonymous Says:

    Wow, #162. My marriage wasn’t good. I was ignored by my husband, dismissed, etc. We had three young kids. I had communicated I wasn’t happy living like room mates. I asked him what we were going to do to work on our marriage, were we going to work on our marriage. I made a commitment. We had three kids that needed to be raised by, hopefully, two parents. I asked him multiple times were we going to work on our marriage. I asked him months earlier if he were cheating on me. Even with the loneliness in my marriage, I did not cheat. I did not look at other married men.

    But guess what, months later when I found out, yes, I WAS BLINDSIDED. It was because of all the LYING AND DECEIT. The MANIPULATION. The feeling that YOUR ENTIRE MARRIAGE was a lie. Being STABBED IN THE BACK by the person you thought had your back. Being DEMONIZED to friends and co workers to justify his actions. What you thought was reality was not real. Your entire future was turned upside down. My ex left to be with his also married OW. So as ‘not great’ as my marriage was, um, YEAH, I WAS STILL BLINDSIDED by the person whom I thought had my back through everything even if we weren’t in the best place at that time.

    Wow, you don’t think many people are blindsided. Well, I was. Even though he really was a shitty husband and I could have ‘justified’ cheating and many men would have definitely felt very, very sorry for me.

  164. 164
    Anonymous Says:

    Just to add to #163, and no, I was not the perfect wife. I made mistakes too. But I did not deserve the treatment that I got at the end of my marriage and to have my marriage end so dishonorably after almost 20 years.

  165. 165
    Anonymous Says:

    I was getting really fed-up with my marriage about a year before my exH had his affair.
    I was fed up with doing all the work about the house, paying most of the bills (I earned more than he did) and looking after the kids.
    I was fed up with his lazyness, his sulking, bad sex and I repeatedly asked him for more help.
    His only response was “You work shorter hours than me, you’ve got time to do it”.
    I think he sensed that I was on the way out (unbeknown to him I had already taken a solicitor’s advice re divorce)so he set about finding a replacement. He cheated with an employee at work who was 10 years younger and 10 times less smart than me.
    As soon as I found out he got the divorce papers and I was free of him in 4 months.
    They lived together for 5 years until she got pregnant and then they got married. Now, years later he is supporting her and their 2 kids (one is unemployed)and the other has “failed to launch”.
    The mistress-now-wife doesn’t work and is an unpaid domestic for 3 other idle people. Tyhe kids won’t tidy their rooms or even do their own laundry.
    In a way I feel sorry for her. When he was courting her and taking her to fancy hotels and buying her gold jewellery, little did she know that it was mainly funded by me, out of our joint a/c. Now he has to pay for everything himself it’s not so much fun.
    My kids left home years ago and are now making their own way in the world with professional careers.
    I have remarried to a wonderful man who had no children.
    So my exH and his affair partner must be part of the small percentage who beat the odds.
    Are they happy? Who knows?

  166. 166
    Anonymous Says:

    #165, our stories are a little the same, a little different. Almost 4 years ago now, I discovered my now ex was having an affair (I have commented here before on the Pt. 1 post but not sure what my number was). We had been married a little over 25 yrs.. at that point and had what I, and everyone that knew us, thought was a really good marriage. We had been h.s. sweethearts. After h.s., he went on to college and I began working. After he got his degree, we got married and started a family a couple years later. He was doing well enough at his job that I was able to quit mine and stay home with the kids, a mutual decision we made. Our youngest one had just finished his freshman year at college when I discovered the affair. He at first told me it had only been going on for a couple months and they were both going their separate ways. To make a very long story short, I soon discovered it had been going on for 2 years. He moved out immediately and right in with her. Two weeks later I discovered I had breast cancer. He came home for a couple weeks but just couldn’t be away from the affair partner so I asked him to move back out 2 weeks later.
    He decided 6 months in, from the time I discovered the affair, that it was over and wanted to reconcile. I wanted to start marriage counseling, then he suddenly changed his mind. Six more months later, he wanted to talk reconciliation again but then I was contacted by a close family member that he had had a short term affair during the 4th year of our marriage. I made a decision then that I could never, ever trust him again. I told him the reconciliation was off.
    We got our house sold and I moved back closer to family and friends. I started living again, getting reaquainted with old friends and started dating here and there (some funny stories in itself!) Finally, a mutual friend fixed me up with a guy who was looking to get back into the dating scene after losing his wife to cancer 3 years prior. Jump ahead 18 months, I finally pushed for the divorce (my now ex never brought it up) and the new guy and I just got married on New Year’s Eve and life is really, really good again. My children are grown but he has a 12 yr. old daughter that I love with my whole heart. I never saw myself playing mom again but I’m enjoying it the second time around.
    My ex is still living with the other woman (well, it’s the other way around now – he bought a house and moved her in with him) but she is still married to husband #2 and it appears she spends all holidays with the husband. My ex always seems to be alone on the holidays. Interesting that she was giving my ex an ultimatum to leave me and be with her, yet won’t divorce her own husband now. And no one – my kids, nor anyone in his family, has met this woman. My married daughter only lives about 2 or 3 miles from her dad. Yes, she really exists. I’ve seen pictures of her and saw her from a distance a couple times. I’d love to know from anyone who has been the OW/OM why, after all this time, will she still not meet anyone? And like you said at the end of your post, #165: are they happy? Who knows?

  167. 167
    Anonymous Says:

    Eventually you will loose. If you want someone else, end your present relationship first. Cheating is like a boomerang, no matter how far you throw it away from you it’s inherent design is such that it will come back and find you. Truth and peace also have an inherent design, even better than the boomerang. Its a high price to pay… And don’t think that God is approving or sanctioning your actions.
    That ain’t going to happen!

  168. 168
    Anonymous Says:

    I too am dealing with this terrible heartache and accepting reality for what its worth. My ex fiance and father of my two kids left me for a coworker on october 21st. I knew inside that something was going on but everytime i asked why he was being so distant and sleeping away from me, he would just blame work stressing him out or his back was hurting so he wanted to sleep on the couch. Well, the day came that i was holding his phone & a text came through. it read, ” I’m about to hop in the shower ;)”
    My heart sank.
    Here we are 7 months away from a wedding with a 2.5 year old & a 5 month old…. & now “her”.
    He told me at first that it was just a flirty friendship with a coworker & he would tell her it needed to stop. That was a lie. Everything out of his mouth was a lie. This woman had been in the picture for months & as i was working at night, she would sleep with him IN MY BED, IN MY SHOWER, & ON MY COUCH. She ultimately told him she wasnt going to accept being the OW & he left the next day & they have been living together since.
    The pain is like no other ive ever experienced & now we are in a nasty and expensive custody battle.
    How could they do this to a family? How? I’ll never understand but i hope they suffer greatly & i hope the guilt eats them alive.
    So… no wedding for me.

  169. 169
    Anonymous Says:

    to add to 168:
    now the OW is posting pictures of my children on facebook & people are commenting that MY daughter favors her. Another dagger in my already bleeding heart!

  170. 170
    Anonymous Says:

    To 168/169, there isn’t much I can say to make you feel any better. I was in the exact same position as you except we had been married many years and had two grown children. I remember my best friend, who had been through this herself, telling me that there will come a day when it won’t absorb my every waking moment, and that I’ll actually start to feel better. I’m sorry you are going through all this but be glad you found out now before you wasted many years with him. I feel badly that she is posting pics of your kids. That would infuriate me, too. I was obsessed with checking phone records daily. My friends told me to stop. He finally got off my acct. and once I couldn’t check up anymore, I felt a lot better. Perhaps you can request through your custody process that she not be allowed to post photos of your kids.

    I’m also a big, big believer of karma. It may take a while but something will come back and bite him/them in the ass. I was diagnosed with breast cancer just a couple weeks after my now ex left me. He came home but was still putting the OW first when I needed him the most. I asked him to leave after a couple weeks. I never wish ill on anyone, even them, but apparently she had an accident in a bar (was probably drunk) and face planted on the concrete floor. She has had 8 corrective surgeries, the last I heard, and suffers from terrible migraines. I highly doubt they are swinging from the chandeliers any longer. Ironic that he’s stuck taking care of her now. They’ve been living together for 3.5 years now but no one has met her yet, friends or family alike. Our daughter only lives about 2 miles from her dad and has only been invited over to his house twice in nearly 2 years and only when the OW has been out of the house.

    I was introduced to a really great guy 18 months ago and we just got married on New Year’s Eve. My kids have met him and he came with me to my former father-in-law’s funeral several months ago. Where was the OW?

    So what I’m trying to say is be glad you found out now before you wasted many years of heartache with him. Life does go on. Keep your head up high, 168/169. Things do get better! (Don’t be afraid to go for some therapy. I did and it did me a world of good!)

  171. 171
    Anonymous Says:

    #170 that was a great karma story. Hope more cheaters get all the hurt they cause right back.

  172. 172
    Anonymous Says:

    To #171, I believe they do. Some just take longer than others. 🙂 (from #170)

  173. 173
    Anonymous Says:

    As to the question about affairs surviving the fallout and aftermath. No, I don’t believe that it does. You can just tell by the way they talk/think that they aren’t going to succeed in life. Not a life worth living, anyway.

    I don’t believe that everybody cheats. Only cheater’s say that. The ignorant ‘factoids’ cheaters like to say ‘humans are not monogamous’ and ‘everybody cheats. I could go on, and on. They were in a loveless marriage. You can’t help who you love. She should have been taking better care of her man. They deserve to be happy… as they ride off into the sunset together…

    Yeah, I didn’t think so.

    Each arguement fails to realize that we as a society live by a set of rules that separate us from animals. We have evolved up the evolutionary chain and have become better people. I could cheat like everybody else and run away with the pack, but I chose not to because no matter how you try to spin it, cheating sucks.

    All you have to do is say No.

    It’s as simple as that.

  174. 174
    Anonymous Says:

    #173 great post.

    How about these ignorant cheater factiods.

    “I love you but I’m not IN love with you”

    “I now know what real love feels like”

    “Marriage is just a piece of paper”

    “I can be myself with her” (you mean an butt sphincter?)

    “My wife is insane”

    “The marriage has been over for years, just going through the motions until….I met YOU.”

    These are the all time golden oldies. Classics straight out of the cheater handbook.

  175. 175
    Anonymous Says:

    I am going through hell. I met my future hubby 8 years ago. Both of us were divorced and single. We married 3 years ago. I moved to the area to be with him. Last year I got a text message out of the blue from him saying that he wasn’t a good husband and was not coming home. I knew he was friends with a work colleague as they car shared but she was 20 years younger than him and was pregnant with her hubby’s baby. Yes, it was her. He came back next day saying there was nothing wrong at all with our marriage and it just happened. He told me that he wants her and was going. She had the baby by then, but backed out of leaving her husband. I forgave him. She backed out 3 times now but
    eventually left her husband now after a year. I love him but he says he loves her. But when I question him about going he clamps up and says its different
    as she always wanted out of her marriage and he never has wanted out of his. How long will it go on though? He texts her, messages come through in front of me. I’ve seen texts last year that revealed that she had the cheek to come in my home when I was working. He locks his phone now. I hit rock bottom. We have no children together but I love him and think if he didn’t love me he would go. I keep quiet now as if I ever ask anything he turns it into an argument and goes to her. I’m not a weak person just hurting and want my husband back. I think reality will kick in if he goes. Maybe I made it easy for her as she had time to sort her relationship out. I look at him now though and think well if you go maybe the best revenge is for her cause I found a lot of stuff out since we’ve been married. He cheated on his first wife..he cheated on me. He will cheat on her. You can’t help who you love. I’m just hoping that he doesn’t go.

  176. 176
    Anonymous Says:

    I met this person on a plane eight months ago. Every lie in the book he told me, even so far as to say he was not legally married to his wife since she is still married to another person in another country. He started with the “I love you” part, which I was so stupid to believe. After eight months he walked away without saying a word. Didn’t pick up the phone didn’t answer messages, nothing. What should I do?. Should I let go and leave it in the hands of KARMA? Is it fair that he gets away with his brutal lies? I found out later he married a women with whom he had an affair and divorced his wife of 20 years.

  177. 177
    Anonymous Says:

    What don’t some posters get about destructive nature of an affair?
    Not only spouses, but children, extended family, friends, co workers of the betrayed spouse, everyone gets pulled down with the anchor and his affair partner.

    That is the reality. Life is REALITY. Your flipping affair is fantasy. Self deluded fantasy.

    Daughter cancelled her graduation open house, older daughter is going to elope (no money for big wedding) these are just TWO examples – rather butterfly effect, of these two dumbasses choices. There are ways to get a divorce, there are ways to behave to someone you have loved for years.

  178. 178
    Anonymous Says:

    After 27 years I left my high school sweet heart to be with a man 14 years older than I. He was my counsellor. We married 3 years later and now after almost 3 years of marriage I cannot stand myself. The guilt and regret over leaving the father of my children, of not trying harder to make my first marriage work, of seeing the situation with clearer more experienced eyes has brought me to my knees. My current husband is incredibly good to me, but I cannot let go of my guilt for doing what was wrong in the eyes of my God. I went against all my values and everything I knew just because the ‘grass seemed greener’. Well, it’s a lot more complicated than that…it was a very dark time in my life…NEVERTHELESS…if you make choices, like I did, based on selfishness and you IGNORE what you know to be true, you will REGRET it!!! I am now at the point where I’ve told my 2nd husband I cannot stay married to him. I feel sick every time I think of how badly I hurt my first husband and how I tore our family apart. I smile during the day but I am tormented at night with dreams of the past. I know they say ‘you can’t go back’ and you have to ‘let go’ of the past, but I CANNOT. I will do my best to make amends and at least have an lighter conscience knowing I tried. If I have to live alone the rest of my life, that’s the price I will pay. An affair? NOT WORTH IT!!!!!

  179. 179
    Anonymous Says:

    A few years ago, my current husband left his wife of 20 years to be with me. He left her less than six months after asking me if I thought it was possible for us to have a relationship. His ex-wife was diagnosed bipolar a few years into the marriage; he says (and everyone other than the now-ex who knows both sides of the story agrees) that he tried very hard to make it work, but that the ex-wife became more unstable, more demanding, more tyrannical, as time passed. She stated that she actually enjoyed the “high” her mania gave her and didn’t like taking her meds. She also ran up a ridiculous amount of debt, on his dime, of course, because she could never hold a job for long due to the instability of her moods. Hubby’s kids were all either teenagers or out of the house (adults) when they broke up. I think my hubby and I are probably the exception rather than the rule, but I wanted to say that it can work. I will put something out there that some may immediately scoff at, but is worthy of note: soon after my now-husband moved out of the home he shared with his ex, my husband had a shamanic practitioner “cut the energetic cords” of attachment between himself and his now-ex wife. I firmly believe that this act of “spiritual hygiene” made the difference for his and my relationship. We are both also spiritually focused people (though not Christian), and I feel certain this also contributes to helping our marriage work. I suppose it helps a lot that I’m not bipolar, either. 🙂

  180. 180
    Anonymous Says:

    Yes, I absolutely do think relationships that start as affairs can go on to be successful and happy marriages. My ex husband’s did.
    I was married for 17 years, my husband had an affair for 7 of those years (the last 7) and ended up leaving me for his affair partner after she decided she couldn’t “wait for him to leave” anymore and was moving on with her life without him. He couldn’t handle it and left me. I don’t blame her, I blame him and the fact that he actually made her wait 7 years for him to leave just sickens me. If she wouldn’t have dumped him he would probably still be married to, but cheating on me with her. The truth is, a man WILL LEAVE HIS WIFE FOR HIS MISTRESS, you better believe it! But it seems it only happens when he realizes he can no longer have his cake and eat it too and he then has to choose between his affair partner and his wife. I guess at this point, reality hits whether he loves her more than you, and in this case, I lost. They’re married now, going on 12 years and the funny thing is, I am on pretty good terms with her. I have moved on and let go of him and what he did. I feel badly she waited 7 years for a man who lacks integrity and is a cheater. I have never been the other woman, but can’t fathom waiting this long for a man to make up his mind. It seems like her waiting paid off because they do seem happy in their marriage.
    In any event, I am happy with my life and in a relationship currently. I have no ill feelings for his wife and have since forgiven him, life goes on and this to, shall pass.

  181. 181
    Anonymous Says:

    #180, it sounds like you are in a really good place and are certainly more forgiving than most of us could be. You didn’t mention if you and/or they have kids but it’s a good thing that they can see everyone getting along. I am on o.k./good terms with my ex and we had a very amicable divorce but I don’t see myself ever being friendly with his mistress. I don’t blame her alone for the affair but have said all along I’ve felt it was a 50/50 thing. I also believe things have a way of working out and I, too, have moved on and have a great guy in my life now.

  182. 182
    Anonymous Says:

    #181
    It is good to hear you have moved on and found love again. No, they don’t have kids together. My ex has a son from a previous relationship prior to me, we have two children, now 24 and 28 and his new wife has a daughter from from a previous who is now 21.
    I just feel that why have hatred in my heart when I can forgive them for my own well being? Hatred toward the mistress only makes you suffer as a person, yourself, because the mistress or the ex could care less about you. Forgiveness is for yourself. Believe it or not, she (his new wife) and I have had conversations about it and although I do agree with you that she shared 50/50 part in the affair, I shared 50/50 part in my marriage failing. I don’t feel as though she “stole my husband” in any way, as most betrayed do when their husband cheats. No one can steal another woman’s husband, it’s not possible. It’s always a choice for him to leave and it was 100% my husband’s choice. I honestly feel that the wives of some cheating men blame the other woman to justify themselves and make themselves feel better for taking the schmuck back after he cheats. To be a wife who’s been cheated on by her husband and to take him back and live with it, that is the most painful dark hole imaginable and I can’t imagine having to live with a cheating husband after an affair. I’ve even seen/heard of husbands continuing the affair with the same woman even after the discovery of it and his wife taking him back. I mean, really?? To justify any rationale here, the other woman always gets the blame for it and the husband just gets away with it. I guess my husband loved his new wife enough to finally figure himself out and leave, but I am honestly much happier with the man I am with now and my ex did me a favor.

  183. 183
    Anonymous Says:

    #181
    I just want to add, it wasn’t always this way. For a good two years, I hated her and was obsessed with her. Being forgiving of people and having a more broad understanding of a situation was something learned for me.

  184. 184
    Anonymous Says:

    People who make excuses about cheating on their spouses and their children are not worth anything more then the cheaters they are with! They will have to face the big guy one day. We will not judge but he will!!!!! They weren’t in happy marriages, the marriage was over, give me a break! They will get bored of their next in no time! Married 23 years my husband did the same to me and guess what. What goes around comes around! He will pay for the pain he caused me and my two children one day! Again, coward is what I call them!!!!!! I wasn’t happy at times either. I had men asking me out all the time. I just said NO! My self worth and my two teenage kids are so much more important than a selfish affair! Get a life ladies that cheated with married men. They will do the same to you one day!

  185. 185
    Anonymous Says:

    I’ve been married for 12 years. My husband and I don’t have the perfect marriage, but we were happy. We have had so many financial issues, bankruptcy, late mortgage payments, lawsuits from his business etc. At some point I did become disconnected in the relationship. I didn’t want to have sex as much as he did. I’m not saying I didn’t want to sleep with him because I wasn’t attracted to him, it was just the constant everyday pain of all of the bill collectors, the foreclosure notices etc. Our $$$ were thousands & thousands of dollars. I do work, but all I do is work to pay bills just like my husband. When I noticed the relationship was suffering really bad, I aksed my husband to go to counseling with me and he said no. So the marriage limps on and on. Well long story short my husband reconnected with a old gf on fb. The rest is history!! I found out about his affair in a very innocent way, he got a new cell phone & kept his old phone my son was playing a game on the old phone and couldn’t close the apps. I went to close the apps for him and all of a sudden the e-mail populated with messages. I thought I better tell him that there was something wrong and he need to call the cell company to let them know that the old phone was getting messages! I NEVER looked through my husbands phone the entire time we were married. But this time I looked at the messages and saw the most hurtful thing I have ever experienced in my life. The start of his affair. Of course when I said something about it he blames me for everything. I told him that this is a 50/50 problem, but he said I did all of this to our marriage by not giving him the emotional support & sex that he needed. I’ve told him that I am sorry & we should go to counseling & he said no. He said he just wants out of the marriage & that he is done. He even takes up for the new woman saying this is not her fault. But I say it is, she knew he was married and should have suggested that they wait until the marriage is closer to divorce and then they can move on together. He told me the other day that he wishes I would die!!!!

  186. 186
    Anonymous Says:

    Cheaters can justify it any way they want but it’s wrong. If you are unhappy…get a divorce and then move on to a new relationship. I was one of the people who have been blindsided. When I told friends and relatives what happened, they thought I was joking. Even his best friend told me he “didn’t see that coming.” It’s cost my Ex ALOT….a relationship with his children. Apparently they didn’t like getting abandoned any more than I did.

  187. 187
    Anonymous Says:

    Well that took some reading. My story…1st marriage; best friend sleeping with wife. 5 years later bought him a drink. 2nd marriage; well, I met a married woman when I was married. Now we are married 25 years. Sometimes you just have to find true love. I was a sailor so been around a bit. I also have a 31 year old girlfriend (no sex), I am 60. Just horse riding, skiing mountain biking, walking and my wife is very happy that I have a friend to go out with. It all comes down to trust; you have it or you don’t

  188. 188
    Anonymous Says:

    Learning to love the person you found is a better solution than hurting them just because you are unhappy. Happiness begins from within. Blaming your marriage or partner for you being unhappy is a load of manure. It’s also much easier to repair a poor relationship than starting all over in most cases. Affairs are wrong and using poor excuses for selfish behaviour is criminal. It is apparently true that most affairs do not start intentionally. As a married partner, it is each partners responsibility to safe guard their marriage by NOT getting emotionally close to another person.

  189. 189
    Anonymous Says:

    #178 I find my self in a similar situation. It is a never ending torment.

  190. 190
    Anonymous Says:

    To #185:
    Wow. What a horrible thing to say, although it’s not surprising. You won’t believe the number of cheaters who actually secretly plot to kill their spouses for their affair partners, whether for insurance or other insane reasons. It has happened before and some were even successful.
    I hope you find the strength to get out of there and live your own life. Find someone who wouldn’t say that to you. EVER.

  191. 191
    Anonymous Says:

    My therapist said an affair is the fuel that can get you where you need to go. I was married 21 years and now getting divorced. My wife over time I will say became increasingly neglectful. I just needed peace and quiet. And someone who I felt cared. But I would never intend on marrying again. The idea that marrying your affair partner or marrying in general somehow is an end, or not marrying means it is not worth it. It is not true. We are complex, this affair made me see my worth. That has been enough. I will say too many men end up in relationship with women who become bottomless pits of wants, more more more. Paired with never being listened to. Men end up as lonely working drones. It was my life. I made the right choice but I would never marry again and I would wager that is a norm.

  192. 192
    Anonymous Says:

    The question asked was “can relationships that started out as affairs succeed”?
    I can only tell my own story.
    My husband cheated with an employee. (We had no children) After I found out I asked him to leave and divorced him. The divorce was granted in 5 months. After that he was with his affair partner for 4 years before they got married, and then it was because she was pregnant. The baby was born prematurely and died.
    They had another child 2 years later and another 5 years after that.
    She has been hospitalised twice for severe depression and a suicide attempt. They are still together 26 years later.
    I am not sure what citeria are applied to make a marriage/relationship sucessful? Their marriage may have stood the test of time but have they been happy? Who knows?
    IMO the best revenge for a betrayed wife is to let the mistress have the husband, because all she gets is a cheat and liar for a partner!

  193. 193
    Anonymous Says:

    You are so right, #192. I had been married over 25 yrs. when I discovered my husband’s affair. He lied (imagine that) and said it had been going on for 2 months and they were going their separate ways. I found out later it had been going on for 2 yrs. Fast forward 4 years since discovering the affair. I really wanted the marriage to work in the beginning but after months of therapy, I started to realize I could never trust him again. We finally divorced last fall. It was an amicable divorce. We have two grown kids so we don’t need to talk on a regular basis but when we do, we keep things friendly. They are still together and who knows if they are happy. He has yet to introduce her to anyone and flat out never mentions her. He seems to be going through the paces now. She cheated on her husband to be with him (and I believe they are still married) so I look at it this way – they are both cheaters and now stuck with each other. My ex has always had to put a lot of extra hours in at his job (the nature of the work) and I wonder if she worries where he’s at when he’s not home in the evening. Karma.

  194. 194
    Anonymous Says:

    I have known my married lover for 18 years…only became an affair 4 years ago. We love each other dearly. I pull back as I do not want to tell him what to do. I am extremely ill and my life span is short. I force him to go away, as I feel if he left to be with me..well, I wont be here much longer. Life is brutal! Love is very hard sometimes! Blessings to all of you on both sides. I believe people do not really want to hurt anyone. Love is a huge emotion, and we are not supposed to be bound to just one person our entire life…

  195. 195
    Anonymous Says:

    I have to disagree with 194 and many previous posts. “We are not supposed to be bound to one person. ” Can you imagine the chaos we would have in our society if we lived by the sentiment ? There would be no stability for our children. There would be many households with crazy visitation arrangements and mixes of siblings, half siblings and step siblings. I am a teacher and I can tell you the children, in almost all cases, are traumatized and emotionally scarred. It may be fine for the adults who compartmentalize their relationships and who they are currently “in love” with, as they make selfish decisions that only serve their own desires. They do not consider the wreckage they leave in their wake. As a society, we should consider how our actions affect others. It is what being a society, and especially a family, is all about! People act as if they cannot be happy without having an affair. Gee whiz, grow up and realize good relationships do not just happen! They take work and develop over time if you give them the respect they deserve, not the deceit and disrespect an affair takes. I am not saying people who have affairs are horrible people but they have made decisions that have long term and far-reaching effects. Be present in your marriage and make it a priority! If something is not right, address it! I get upset when they are so unfeeling about the pain they have caused.
    I was married for 25 years and COMPLETELY blindsided. We were the “perfect couple.” He said all the right things and seemed to love me deeply to the very last minute. But he said those are the things you “tell a wife.” Ouch! She is 10 years younger than me. He met her at work and is still with her 5 years later. He moved to a city 500 miles away. Our one daughter was 6 when he left and 8 when he moved out of town. Our other daughter was 18 and 20 which he really has very little connection with. He comes in every other weekend and stays with his parents, which I appreciate since he could just ignore her completely. This compartmentalizes his life very neatly. The pain for my children and me is indescribable. I pray for everyone involved in these situations and just hope that society stops having such a glib view towards this topic so our children can grow up in stable and loving homes based on love and respect instead of pursuance of self gratification at all costs.

  196. 196
    Anonymous Says:

    I’d love some input from people who have been in my shoes or possibly in the shoes of the man I love:

    I’ve known 4-5 marriages in the past few years that started as affairs and ended as re-marriages or LT relationships. I began an affair nearly 4 years ago with a man I’d known for 5 years and who was one of my closest friends. We were both unhappy in our marriages. Over the past 4 years, we’ve been each other’s closest friends and lovers. I got divorced 3 years ago; he just got divorced this summer. In the time I waited for him to divorce, I got frustrated a few times and felt rejected, so I dated a little. Those experiences were painful but helped me clearly see that I want this man I’ve loved. For his part, he has told me multiple times in the past 10 months that I’m the woman for him. Our affair started when he confessed his feelings for me and said he wanted to be with me someday if we were both single. He told me the same thing a year later. He knows I am right for him. But he has emotional problems from past traumas/losses that have left him feeling numb to most emotions. He has consistently told me for years (even prior to our affair) that when he got divorced, he would take a break from relationships to focus on his well-being. I supported him in that. We’ve had several conversations in which he told me that I’m the one for him, but that this period following his divorce could be bumpy, and I could get hurt. He has said several times that he hopes I’ll be waiting for him on the other side. He has done some hurtful things, and he confessed them. It was hard for me, but I worked through my feelings and realized that I do, indeed, love him unconditionally. Things have been going really well with us for the past six months. He frequently mentions things he would like to do with me in the future (travel, etc.). He once asked me, “Should I just give you a ring and propose now?” I told him it’s too soon. Once he got his own place, we fell into seeing each other once a week. We’d text and talk on the phone in between seeing each other. I never pressure him, ask for timelines, ask for definitions, or insist on seeing him. I have been going on the understanding that we have very strong feelings for one another, are happy when we’re together, and I’m waiting for him to try to heal himself. Plus, he has a high-pressure job and a young son he has 50% of the time. Meanwhile, his attentions to me are encouraging and reassuring and affectionate. He sought me out consistently, and not just for sex. We are very happily companionable and do lots of normal life things together. About a month ago, he called me to say that he was distancing himself from everyone in his life for a bit, and it wasn’t just me. Said, “we’re in a pattern of couple behavior, and I can’t do that right now. It’s nothing you did wrong. I just need to focus on some me stuff, then I leave for vacation. I’m looking at this period as a time to take care of myself.” I supported him in that. A few days after he got home from vacation, he informed me that he has been dating. He has had 3 first dates that all went badly. In fact, he said he walked away from the first date thinking how that woman was not anything like me, and I’m way better. But he says he will probably keep doing it. He says he needs perspective. Says he loves me, but doesn’t feel all the excitement and sparks that he equates with love. BUT, admits that may be because he is still numb. He says he doesn’t want to lose me from his life, but that we’re not exclusive. He claims that this “nothing serious” dating is part of him exploring himself and trying to make the right decision about whether he should date me. His body language, behavior, words, expressions during that conversation were very unusual. He didn’t seem at all like the man I’ve known and loved for all these years. I am devastated. He says that everyone’s advice to him is “Don’t get into something serious right out of a divorce. Date around. Be selfish. Have fun.” He has a friend who divorced and got engaged to his other woman, and now it’s all going badly for him. My man says, “I don’t want to end up like T.” He’s not telling me to leave his life and never come back, but he’s not saying, “please wait for me.” He feels bad for hurting me, but is doing this thing anyway. I’m trying to give him respect and space and not push and nag. I have tried to communicate my feelings. The last thing I heard was “I’m not out looking for my soul mate. It’s the opposite. I don’t want anything serious.” I’m so confused. My question here, for people with experience is, when a 48-year-old man leaves an 11-year marriage, is it normal for him to want to go out and have lots of “meaningless/not serious” dating experiences? Even if he had 20-30 (according to him) relationships prior to getting married at age 35? Is this something a man has to get out of his system? His behavior toward me is a total departure from the 9 years I’ve known him. But he’s doing, I guess, exactly what he told me he would do: The period after his divorce would be bumpy and he didn’t know what would be involved. He didn’t know what it would take to shock his system into feeling again. He didn’t say it would involve dating, but he didn’t say it wouldn’t.
    The scared part of me thinks he has dumped me and I’ve been an idiot. (This is the part of me that got dumped two years ago for another woman by a man I’d dated for 6 months.) But part of me looks very critically at my relationship with my newly divorced lover and can clearly see proof over a long time of his feelings for me. I didn’t imagine his talk about traveling, and the future, and how he misses me when he travels for work. A hopeful part of me wonders if his feelings for me and maybe his tentative thoughts about a future with me scared him, and he listened to the advice he’s getting from people about “don’t do anything serious. Date. Have fun. Don’t tie yourself down too soon.” He keeps mentioning that when we do talk (which is rare these days.) He tends to be a selfish, insensitive man anyway. He admits he probably needs counseling. My last message to him was to acknowledge that he’s in no shape to commit anything to anyone, and that I’ve never once placed a single pressure on him. I’ve only enjoyed the simple time I get with him. I told him that I love him, and hope that this situation doesn’t mean we close the door to one another. I said I’m always here if you need anything.
    I’m really hoping that he’s just thinking that he needs to get meaningless dating out of his system. Or he’s confused. Or he’s taking people’s advice to the letter (his friends and family don’t know much about me–certainly not the extent or length of our relationship). Or that he’s out for perspective. Or exploring himself. I’ve been such a wreck that my doctor has upped my antidepressant and put me on klonopin to control the obsessive thoughts and anxiety. Does anyone have any insight on the behavior/feelings of a newly divorced man who has feelings for a woman that are possibly scaring him?

  197. 197
    Anonymous Says:

    To #196:

    I’m certainly no expert here (I would actually love to hear Ms. Berger chime in on this topic) and I was the wife being cheated on, but my gut tells me this is a man that loves the thrill of a new relationship. Before you said he had told you he was dating other people, I suspected that was what he was up to. I think he wants that old, comfortable shoe (you) around if none of these other relationships work out. I’ll ask you what people asked me when my now ex-husband’s affair was discovered and I wanted the marriage to work out – do you really want to be with a man for the rest of your life that has treated you this way? Will you be able to trust him? Sounds to me like he didn’t have a lot of respect for his wife and he doesn’t have much for you.

  198. 198
    Anonymous Says:

    What I don’t understand is why the wife, after all the betrayals and lying still wants the husband back? It seems to be a common theme but WHY?

  199. 199
    Anonymous Says:

    #198, I can only speak for myself. My (now ex) husband and I had been married over 25 yrs. with two grown children when I learned of his affair. Although I was suspecting something might be up, it still hit me like a ton of bricks. I was in a fog and couldn’t think straight. I was certain it was a major league mid-life crisis from hell. He’d realize what he had done and snap out of it. I was even dealing with breast cancer at the time and all I could think about was my marriage falling apart. I tried to get him into marriage counseling but he kept see-sawing back and forth on whether he wanted to come back home at all. After a lot of mixed signals from him, I finally realized after about 9 months (and a lot of therapy) that this was not the life I wanted to live. Ironically, he tried to reconcile with me twice but I knew I could never trust him again. Some people are able to work through the infidelity, many are not. I’m much happier now that I don’t have that worry hanging over my head.

  200. 200
    Anonymous Says:

    #192
    I second your thought on Affairs actually do turn into successful relationships. I see a lot on the internet about how “a man never leaves his wife for his affair partner” and I think, where are the subjects that are part of this statistic coming from? I believe it has to do with the fact that Affair partners who are hurt by the married man who didn’t leave his wife and the ones in therapy, dealing with this issue, thus they become the majority of the statistics out there. Statistics are nothing but gathered information by subjects. A successful affair turned relationship partners are not going to be a part of the statistic obviously. I never believe what I read.
    As I mentioned in my post #180. My ex husband has been married to his affair partner now for 12-13 years. We’re friends now, all of us, because that was many moons ago, but their marriage is successful. Maybe they’re the exception? I don’t think so. I know more relationships that start out this way that are successful than not. Just a thought.

  201. 201
    Anonymous Says:

    AMEN!!!!!!!!! To #184…..

    Everything stated is so TRUE!!!! I AGREE with you Cheaters deserve Cheaters… I know some men yes they do become bored in their marriage very easily. Also there is no effort put in to solve the problems..lack of maturity. Some ppl do not want to feel any pain of any kind. They feel it is easier to start up something new with someone else. However I know it is true..If he did with you..He will do it to you!!!

  202. 202
    Anonymous Says:

    I have a former friend who entered an “affairage” recently. My friend was married, the other person was not. There are no children involved on either sides.

    I don’t want to say I’m praying for karma to strike them soon because I know how bad the spouse was hurt, but I kind of am.

    They’ve behaved TERRIBLY. I haven no respect for either one of them. They act like sociopaths and rub their happiness in everyone’s faces.

    Does that fact that there are no children involved give them a better shot at lasting? Are children/blending families the main reason affairages fail?

  203. 203
    Anonymous Says:

    I say to #202, it does not matter, that children were not involved. The karma will get them. no doubt about it. My ex-husband did leave me for this other woman. no children involved, and it did not last for 2 months, once they did start living together.no trust, Neither person has trust in each other. HE CAME RUNNING BACK TO ME.. no thanks.. People must understand anything based on a web of lies and deceit will not last period!

  204. 204
    Anonymous Says:

    Thank you, #203. As I said, I feel terrible wishing harm on anybody because that is not the kind of a person I am, really.

    It just doesn’t seem right that they are so happy when they have hurt the ex so much, as well as any mutual friends and loved ones they shared.

    I actually have wondered if they will be one of the rare success stories. But I think the success stories in these kinds of relationships are the ones that took responsibilities for their actions and didn’t act so proud of cheating all the time.

  205. 205
    Anonymous Says:

    I was left for my partner’s affair partner even though he made out to his family that I was the one who ended it which was true, but the alternative was he wasn’t get rid of her. He’s been with her for 7 years. They are married and have there own child and are quite obsessed with still trying to take my boy who is also 7.

    They are psychos but they seem perfect for each other.

    Yes they do and can last.

  206. 206
    Anonymous Says:

    I am currently in a relationship that began as an affair. My ex was never true to me…But I honestly thought I would never cheat on him or leave him (we had been together 15 years and have children together.)Cheating had never been in my nature.

    Then, I met a man who lavished attention on me. We both informed our spouses less than one month after starting our relationship. I found someone who brought joy into my life that I could not pass up. It’s been a rough road…. Particularly losing my relationships with my in law family, who I love dearly. Not to mention finances.

    On a positive note, my young kids are actually very supportive and happy with recent changes. My new man is great with them. There is no more fighting in the house. We have been together for over a year now.

    I realize that I should have left earlier, but sometimes we continue in unhealthy ways to keep a household intact, endlessly forgiving and hoping it will get better. I scoff at the people who act like all people who have cheated are sociopaths.

    I worry sometimes about the longevity of my new relationship because only I can know where my heart is. I wish I didn’t hurt and lose my extended family. I wish I didn’t hurt his ex. I justified his actions because they had just recently been married, they spent years deciding if they should get married, and then decided to marry for benefits. I hope that this story is true.

    I have to live with my actions and the internal questions. However, to be honest I think if I were in the same position again it would be too difficult to choose otherwise.

  207. 207
    Anonymous Says:

    Some people are real quick to paint every situation with the same brush. Yes, some people cheat for sex. Some people cheat because they are bored. Some people cheat because they are lonely. And so on and so forth. Some people “cheat” because they are in an emotionally abusive, loveless relationship. The “fix it or end it” people live in a fantasy world. Our society has made men terrified of divorce … so much so that more and more and more men are shunning it entirely. Who would blame them?

    Marriage is a contract between two people. And, “cheating” is not the only way to break that contract. I dealt with suspect infidelity, violence, severe degradation and emotional abuse, constant threats of divorce and “taking everything” and the kids, etc. I sustained broken bones. I have permanent ringing in my ear after being hit upside the head very hard with a pan. I dealt with her telling people, in front of me, that she wanted me to have a vasectomy so if I ever left her I couldn’t have kids with anyone else. I could go on for days.

    I fell in love with a wonderful, amazing, loving woman. My spouse knew this and continued to encourage my friendship with this other person, very overtly. Then, she manipulated me out of the house one day and accused me of an affair.

    We’re divorced now. And I am 15 months into living with this amazing woman. We had no physical relationship while I was married. People can believe that or not, frankly I don’t care. But my ex doesn’t get to decide when the marriage is over. It ended many, many, many years ago the first time she cheated. Or drew blood. Or pulled my daughter’s hair at 7 years old and called her a bitch.

    Every situation is different. Some people need to climb down off their cross and get that life is messy at times, and things are not black and white.

  208. 208
    Anonymous Says:

    I shake my head every time I read a post from people who have not been in an affair. I wholeheartedly agree with 207. Affairs and the people who have them get judged so very quickly…like we are some dysfunctional idiot to society. I too had a friendship that developed into a close friendship – no sex – just kisses. I told my lover there would be no sex whilst I still lived with my husband as his wife. So I asked my husband to move out and began my affair. We have been separated more than a year now. My soon to be ex husband took on a new girlfriend 2 months after we broke up, after I confessed I have moved on. My husband laid his hands on me, called me names, had his friends call me names and treat me like a dog. Once he forced himself on me sexually. There are many ways of deception. Many other ways to break a promise you made to your spouse. I forgave him, we have 2 children together. I asked him to forgive me and he wouldn’t. I don’t want him back – I wanted to save my family. I don’t want a broken home for our kids. He made a choice. I am still happily involved with my lover – whom I plan to spend the rest of my life with. I know we will make it. Because we know how hard we had to work to have each other. It’s not black and white – EVER. If your marriage was failing – an affair would be the last thing to blame it on. Own your part in the demise of your relationship. Blaming the other person/s makes you weak. As for working it out. I am glad he decided not to – I don’t miss him at all. He still scowls and treat me like dirt. And still blames me. I gave up a lot during our marriage and I am only sorry that I didn’t end it sooner. As for me, I know what an affair can do now, and can promise like so many others here that I am the safest bet you can make when it comes to marriage or relationships. It destroyed everything – and I will never get myself involved in it again. I don’t regret my marriage ending – I regret how it ended. God Bless.

  209. 209
    Anonymous Says:

    Do not have an affair. End your primary relationship first like a responsible adult. You are about to enter a minefield that you will never be able to fix completely.

  210. 210
    Anonymous Says:

    I was married for 26 years and my ex cheated a lot with several different women. I found out about more after our divorce than I knew about while being married. He only had one long-term affair and they are getting married soon. They weren’t together at the time that we separated and divorced. I have re married a wonderful man and we are going on 3 years of marriage. I am so happy to not be with a cheater anymore. I cannot believe that my ex and the other woman will stand a chance in hell of staying together. This will be her third marriage, plus she was engaged after her second divorce. She was seeing my ex while married to her second husband. I am confident they’re going to be miserable. I am so glad I have a front row seat.

  211. 211
    Anonymous Says:

    I am not the exception to the 210 people before me. My affair is one I have not yet come across. He’ 60 and I’m 57. He lives in NY and I in New Mexico. He’s married 30 years (2nd) marriage and I’m married (2nd) marriage 14 years. My first lasted 20 years but then husband had passed away to cancer. My son is grown at 33. We met initially 28 years ago at a relatives wedding. He came to my room and told me he wants me for life. We talked occasionally for 3 years and met again in another state (his business trip). We were obsessed with each other I know he was honest with me because he is my cousins best friend since 1968. We lost touch for many years as life gets in the way. I found him on the Internet and decided to drop a note to say hello Aug. 2014. No expectations. We chatted daily about everything from our kids to spouses to life in general. I flew to NY for business for my mother and told him about it. Mentioned to do lunch and chat. He came to my hotel and stayed 3 hours. No lunch, just love. He travels for his job and I meet him wherever he goes and we enjoy each other immensely. We both want to be together but at our ages retirement isn’t too far away. I’ve started divorce proceedings because I have become the cook, cleaner, maid and gardener. I’m invisible at home yet high expectations are to be met. I’m too old for this crap. I want a fulfilling and loving life with someone who has the same goals and future as I do. His wife and my husband want nothing to do with us sexually at all. It’s been years since being touched and appreciated as a human being. We got together and separated 3 times and again we have come full circle. Every time we get together our relationship intensifies greatly. Since last year we chat every day even when he is at work. Like others before me have said, unless you have been in an affair and know all circumstances from both sides you shouldn’t judge anyone. To many any reasons are excuses but when you realize you have been in love with someone for many years you tend to weigh it all out. I’m biding my time and being patient until the divorces are complete. For the record long-distance love does work if you try hard enough. I should have married him many years ago but hindsight is 20/20. I fault no one who does have an affair but be honest with yourself first before beginning another life with someone else no matter how long you know them. Consider every option and family as well as hurt and pain. It all will surface. Be sure before reacting. You can’t control your love or your heart.

  212. 212
    Anonymous Says:

    This is for number 16. You need to smarten up. You enter a marriage with a set of vows that you promise to never break. Well guess what bud if you cheat you just broke the worst vow of them all. Not only are you disrespecting your spouse but you are even putting them in harms way. How would you feel if get AIDs from cheating and then give it to your spouse who had remained loyal? And don’t give me that crap about protection because shit can happen and does when you least expect it.
    Now that you have cheated you have destroyed any trust in the marriage, I mean how can your spouse ever trust you again? You have damaged your spouse confidence. You have damaged your spouses self worth. And as I said earlier you have damaged their trust. While you think getting you jollies with some bimbo or scuz bucket is harmless you might want to consider all the things it will do to your spouse. Having an affair is very disrepectful to your spouse.You are basically saying to them you are not important enough for me to worry about your feelings. I don’t care if this hurts you or causes you trauma or causes you PTSD, and yes a lot of affair victims do suffer from this. What it tells the spouse is I like this other person and will give the best of my while I keep you around in case something something goes wrong
    The answer to an affair? DON’T have one! If your marriage sucks that bad get a divorce and then go out looking for your thrills. Why drag your spouse through all the heartache and pain? Why not divorce your spouse before you start screwing around? You say Humans aren’t even built for monogamy? Then don’t enter into a marriage! If you are already in one and can’t keep your knees locked or you snake in your pants the get a divorce. Be an adult and get a divorce and not take the cowards way out which is an affair. Also your defending affairs so well it sounds like you might be involved in one?

  213. 213
    Anonymous Says:

    From my personal experience, it’s very hard to transition from a an affair based relationship to a normal relationship. I was seeing a beautiful and successful married woman for many years, but when she finally went through with the divorce she decided to divorce me as well. It was one of the most painful experiences of my life because I loved this woman and always thought that we might have some kind of future together, but I never made it a priority. Believe it or not, going with the flow and kow towing to her need for affection, sex, and adventure is what ultimately killed our thing too.

    Per her own words, she often expressed her concern regarding how I could trust someone who cheated on her husband. As much as she enjoyed my company, she felt that there must be something fundamentally amiss with me for just “settling”. Towards the end, she thought that I was just in it for the sex, and as her divorced date approached she all of a sudden lamented the fact that we never really “dated” the traditional way. We had a strong physical connection…..so strong that it eclipsed everything else that comprises that which makes a relationship successful. To this day she still complains about the fact that I played along with her demands just to be with her as opposed to putting my foot down and telling her what I really wanted.

  214. 214
    Anonymous Says:

    I have been married for over twenty years. Our children are grown. I have gotten nothing out of this relationship in years physical and mental abandonment. I met a man by accident and we fell in love or at least I thought. He told me he wanted his own but said if I was really leaving he would wait. I caught him cheating and acted out. I feel like I’m stuck or maybe it’s just the thought of being alone despite being alone or leaving and never finding anyone else. As much as I want the other man he is a cheater also. Or am I looking at it wrongly he was not married I was. But I believed we had a commitment or at least that’s what he said. Then he said when I acted out it only made them closer and it’s people like me is the reason he doesn’t go to church”! I know I was wrong for my actions but his actions was provoking. I don’t know. I feel like I’m staying and I’m alone anyway. I might as well stay I look at my friends who are all still single after being divorced for many years.

  215. 215
    Anonymous Says:

    #23 You’re a star and even though you life seems to be crashing around you, you left your wife for a reason and your daughter will come around. You had no malice when inserting yourself into an emotional affair, you’re human and this girl isn’t right for you either. If she was, she would understand that your daughter is your world and would be patient. You changed your life for her but of course could not do so for your daughter. Despite what the self righteous peeps on this post say, you’re a good man and will find what you need one day. I think your amazing for not settling.

  216. 216
    Anonymous Says:

    My wife left for her married boss after my company failed. If I’m being honest I didn’t take the failure of my company well so I accept the fact my faults contributed to the demise of the marriage. My grandfather told me at my rehearsal dinner “people are as loyal as their options. Make sure you’re always each other’s best options and you’ll make it”. Thought it was a pretty negative way to look at life but after dealing with my marriage ending as well a few of my friends marriages and now after reading a lot of these posts I have to say he was right. Marriages work because either they truly value their marriage as the best possible life which is another way of saying they couldn’t do better. My wife started the affair with her boss who’s a multi millionaire at a time when we had to sell our house after my company folded. I loved our marriage, we were really happy throughout it or at least she really seemed to be, but stress from constant parenting, jobs and then serious money issues can be rough. When someone comes along who can magically make that all disappear it’s tempting. I’d love to say I wouldn’t have ever done what she did but I was completely in love with her. She stayed beautiful over the years, never went to that unfun wife thing that my friends bitch about, she was a great mom. In short she remained my best option. I would guess that any of the men on hear talking about their exes adultery, if they were being honest, have a similar situation. It’s just that you’re ego is hurt because your spouse found a better option. You’d all probably be better off to focus on yourselves and the next time you have a woman in your life make sure you keep your shit together. im not saying it’s right, people should honor their commitments, but life isn’t a fucking Disney movie. It took me a long time to come to grips with what happened. It sucked not being able to see my kids all the time. Sucked even more knowing some other guy who slept with my wife was co parenting my kids. In truth it was a big shit sandwich for a while. But after about a year in the toilet I started a new business and got back on my feet. Now a year later that business is killing it, I have my kids all to myself which honestly is awesome (admit it, even in great marriages like I thought mine was constant kids can make home life for a couple a little frayed at the edges). The other half the time I’m doing whatever I want. I’m dating a beautiful woman who’s super fun. Actually she’s kind of like a 15 year younger version of my ex wife because again outside of falling for a rich guy 13 years in she was pretty awesome. Sure the holiday picture isn’t what I thought it would be but there’s lots to be thankful for. Except This time around I’m going to make sure I’m the best option. And to all you ladies out there who get the shaft because your guy left you for a girl 20 years younger? Sorry honey that’s the way it goes. You aren’t going to compete with nubile youngsters if your man has charisma and deep pockets. Make sure next time you set your sights on a good ten fifteen years older so you’re the young fox to him. Basically the advice I would give for anybody considering marriage is, if you’re a guy, don’t get married or even serious with a woman until you can guarantee a certain amount of security. Then once you’ve determined where you’re at make sure you honestly assess what kind of level she could achieve. May sound a little superficial but do you want to be honest with yourself or do you want to live in fantasy land. And ladies, you should all marry a guy a minimum 10 and maybe even 20+++ years older. you can’t get jilted for a younger woman if you are the younger woman. Of course all bets are off if your guy is super humanly wealthy because there’s almost no age limit when money is involved. Or you can just have fun and accept what life throws at you. As long as you stay positive and look at the bright side you can’t really go wrong.

  217. 217
    Anonymous Says:

    My husband sent me love letters from work. He told me and everyone how I had “saved” him and he had found Jesus. But he was always jealous of my success. Unbeknownst to me, he kept his email and other accounts password protected – I never knew because I did not check. After 15 years of marriage he suddenly left me for another woman – and only 1 week after sending me another love letter from work telling me how much he loved me. But before he left he attacked me publicly and threw things at me for no reason. I could not understand, but my attorney said that my husband was already feeling guilty. He divorced me, lived with the other woman for 7 years, and just married her this last year. But, they cannot thrive, because what they did hurt others deeply. I have no doubt it will all come back to bite them both.

  218. 218
    Anonymous Says:

    To #23, you are right that doing the right thing hurts. Unfortunately, that doesn’t mean that doing the wrong thing will never hurt. There is no way to escape pain in this life. That’s why I try to do the right thing, because it usually gets the pain over faster for me and it hurts others less. I hope now you are able to find a way to rebuild.

  219. 219
    Anonymous Says:

    To anyone being cheated on, my heart goes out to you. I would suggest Chump Lady’s blog. She tells it like it is and it might just keep you from being jerked around by an unfaithful spouse. Even if you are religious, I would remind you that your spouse broke the convenant and you are therefore now under no obligation. Unless a spouse is transparent and shows by their actions that they really want to reconcile, it’s not worth it to take him or her back. Seriously, read some of the responses here and remind yourself that this is how your unfaithful spouse thinks. If you let someone walk all over you, they will keep doing it without any regard for your feelings. Don’t you think you deserve a chance at a healthy marriage built on mutual love and respect?

  220. 220
    Anonymous Says:

    FYI to number 216, my ex went after much older, heavier women. He let himself go. I did not. He didn’t really have money either. I think he just gets chicks by being a good liar. I say this because there are no guarantees in life. I would highly recommend talking to your spouse about transparency before marriage. If they suddenly decide to be private, spy on them so that you can catch them and dump them for someone new if they are cheating. People need to learn that they can’t get away with cheating.

  221. 221
    Anonymous Says:

    I am not saying that affairs are right but it seems like bitter scorned women are the ones who condemn affairs as if having an affair is worse than murder or child molestation. I see in some comments people mentioning being a mature responsible adult but let’s all get real AND mature here…affairs happen. Is it a responsible, kind or considerate thing to do to your spouse? Absolutely not but they happen. Unfortunately, there are really only two things a couple can do who find themselves in this situation 1) One choose to work it out at which time the cheating spouse must DEFINITELY recognize AND acknowledge the error of their ways and openly commit to doing whatever in his/her power to earn the other spouse’s trust again in order to repair the marriage. Now, the spouse who was cheated on has to be willing to forgive his/her spouse at some point and allow the cheating spouse to earn their trust back too or else the second option 2) Divorce comes into play. Now, sometimes the marriage cannot be salvaged after an affair is either discovered or disclosed at which point a couple will usually divorce. Again I have to call B.S. too on some of the thought of the cheating spouse after a divorce. It seems as if the spouse who cheated carries a scarlet letter forever after a divorce and its as if that spouse owes the loyal spouse the rest of his or her life, a kidney, their right eye, and eternal unhappiness because they cheated… especially if it is the husband who cheated in a heterosexual marriage. I just do not agree with this. Once the divorce is final and the parties have moved own I don’t think it reasonable to expect that the cheating ex-husbnad/wife should have to be miserable forever. Yes karma exists ( and we all know what she is) but there are rules and balances associated with the metaphysical impacts of what most label “karma” and just because someone did you wrong does NOT mean that the rest of their life will be spent being punished by God or the Universe because of that wrong. They WILL pay their debt somehow but within measure and once that’s done they can move on… as should others. People are allowed to move and still find happiness even after they have hurt someone. It is very egotistical to believe that someone’s life will be devastated forever just become they may have hurt you. If that were the case NO ONE deserves to be happy because we ALL have hurt someone or done some wrong against God and/or others in our lifetime and if we haven’t, most who live long enough eventually will. Again, may this be fair? Obviously most people would say no but it is reality.

    As far as the divorce rate thing, every statistic I have ever read regarding marriages of cheating spouses to their paramours has been low and inconsistent. Personally, I largely feel this is due to what #6 said about many couples not disclosing that their relationship started in an affair and secondly, I think it goes back to the stigma associated with marriages that start due to an affair. I think there is this need to validate the social nose turn ups to a spouse who dare step outside of their marriage by making the social disdain based on some weak studies. If the marriage is a second marriage (or more) the chances of divorce are higher regardless as to whether or not the relationship started as an affair. Just my $1.50 worth of opinion.

  222. 222
    Anonymous Says:

    No #81 you are a fool… and bitter and probably jealous of the fact that a man can move own and be happy with the OW because you most likely are a scorned bitter woman yourself. How about all you women bitching about how awful cheaters are and spreading your damn pathetic song about how and why someone doesn’t deserve to ever be happen again in a relationship after they cheat go get a massage, shave your legs, get your eyebrows done, cover up some of that gray in your hair (as a matter of fact just get a new hairstyle all together), lose a good 20-50lbs tone-up and smile. Put on your “fuck him” dress and go out with your girls friends and have a good time. I bet by the end of the night you’ll have ended up getting some “D” and that will put a smile back on your face for real. So in other words… get a life, take your life back or whatever, move the hell on and let everybody else the hell alone ! GeesH!

    Oh and to 55 or 56, whoever did all the mistress bashing and started speaking all the juvenile “girl code” bullshit…Girl bye! Ain’t no code! People can do what the hell they want and no “other woman” owes you a Got-damned thing just because you both are women. If you are not a friend of mine or a relative I don’t owe you shit because I am a woman and you just so happen to be one too! What the f*ck?! Grow the hell up honey. Not a woman in the world can “steal” from you what your man will not WILLING give her! No one owns anyone! To my knowledge, slavery ended around about 1865 with the Emancipation Proclamation and the ratification of the 13th amendment therefore you can’t steal love, people, relationships etc because you don’t “own” them to begin with. Im not condoning cheating but the idea that everyone’s world ends because you were done wrong or that people aren’t free to make whatever decision they please (even if its wrong) is absolutely ridiculous.

    Seriously about half the posters on this thread really need to travel, exercise and have great sex more and they wouldn’t be so damn bitter. It is beyond annoying.

  223. 223
    Anonymous Says:

    Yes, marriages that start as affairs can last but that doesn’t give a clue as to what their internal dynamics are, or if the persons involved are happy.
    When I found out my ex was cheating w3ith some thick-piece trollop at his work I asked him to leave and divorced him pretty quickly.
    Their relationship was on/off for several years because she had a fiance who didn’t know and she was undecided.
    Then the b/f found out and dumped her and she was left with my ex. They dated for another 4 years and then she got pregnant and they married.
    They are still together 20 years later and as far as I can see they are perfect for each other. Both cheats, both liars, both adulterers, both with entitlement issues – I could go on but you get the picture.
    In addition, she’s compliant and happy to pick up his lazy slack as long as he pays the bills.
    He’s now stuck with supporting a wife who won’t work and two kids who have “failed to launch” – neat.
    Me, I’ve moved on and am remarried to a great guy (who can cook and sew !)who I met about 10 years after my divorce. I’ve got a great business and a great lifestyle. Ho hum !

  224. 224
    Anonymous Says:

    I am a “victim” of a cheater. My husband & I have now been together for 44 years and consider each other our best friend. We own a successful family business which we started together from scratch. He had an affair with someone 25 years younger than himself when we were into our 30th year together. Since then, he came back to me several times promising to end the affair and I forgave him as many times. I didn’t do it because I wanted to “keep” him — I took him back because, above all, he is my best friend. Do you know what a “best friend” is? He promised to be honest & transparent and we moved on with our life.
    Now, after 6 years apart from his OW, I find out that they have been calling and texting each other. Needless to say, I have fought through a variety of emotions from anger to depression. At my age (64), can you imagine how it feels to go through these roller coaster emotions for the past 14 years only to find out NOW that I/we wasted all that time when we could have moved on when this first started –? Can you understand how it feels when the person who you trusted most in the world betrays that trust?

    After having read all these posts from different points of view (i.e. the cheaters, the (O.P.) other persons, the spouses), I can understand their emotions. Yes, things happen. It is what it is.

    We, as human beings, are so diverse in our make-up — our backgrounds, personalities, social & financial standings — that our situations are unique only to ourselves — there is no black or white only. In the end we are responsible for only our own actions.
    If anything good can come from a hurt that someone caused you, it’s that you learn that you don’t do it to anyone else.

  225. 225
    Anonymous Says:

    I am single and read through this whole thread. I am so grateful i still believe in marriage because after reading the sorry excuses people gave for cheating then walking out on their marriages and ending up with their affair partners, i’m literally sick to my stomach.

    The nerve that some of you have to say that your affair partner “understood me”….”the sex was so amazing”….”i’ve never met anyone who connected so well with me on my level”…”they are my soulmate”. Oh Please! Do shut up. The pain you caused your spouses can NEVER be undone and no matter how much you deceive yourself into thinking that you did the right thing by cheating on your spouse then ending up with your affair partner, you will never ever be able to boast publicly or privately how you both ended up together. Your relationship is founded on lying, deceit, secrecy, lust and betrayal.

    My heart goes out to the betrayed spouses. Karma may never catch up the spouses who betrayed and walked out on you but you will heal and be happy once again.

    To those who decided to cheat for whatever reasons (cough..excuses) you conjured up in your head, i feel sorry for you. I hope nobody ever causes you the immense amount of pain you inflicted on your spouses. You deserve the affair partner you ended up with.

    The bible gave one reason to exit an affair..adultery..and yes i will judge you. If your marriages were so miserable and you were so unhappy, why didn’t you sit your spouses down, tell them the truth about how unhappy you were and ask for a divorce. Life is black and white; it’s right or wrong, yes or no. There are no gray areas when it comes to this sort of behavior. Cheaters just say there are to give themselves an excuse for what they did. They have to say nonsense like that.

    Because if they were honest with themselves about how they ended up with their affair partners and how it ultimately destroyed their spouses, their children and the marriages..how would they be able to look at themselves in the mirror?

  226. 226
    Anonymous Says:

    With 225 posts, I’m not sure this will even be read. So many here are hurting… those who have a spouse who had fallen for another, leaving their spouse and family behind, along with the wayward spouses who struggle with their decision. As I read, so many of these posts are written with a lens that offers a view of months to a year or two… Many are those who have been left and truly don’t understand what lies ahead. I don’t often write or comment, but I felt moved to do so today. My story may best be shared by what I would write my ex wife if we still spoke…

    B… My life seemed to come to a complete halt five years ago when you told me there was another. I thought that we had it all! Working so hard to establish a life for us and for our two wonderful children. For 30 years, we came to know each other so very well. I knew what drove you, what you valued, and how you loved. I watched you grow from a young adult to a wonderful mother and a successful business woman. I remember sitting back, looking at you with pride as you basked in your success. We just experienced the last of our children to leave the home and I looked forward to spending more time with the woman I fell in love with in high school. But alas, it was not meant to be. When you told me there was someone else and you left, I was crushed. I could see the pain every time I looked in the mirror and behind the eyes of our two children. I did all I could to move forward, telling myself that I would be ok while at the same time, working to make sure our two children could continue to grow and experience all that life had to offer with two parents. This consumed me and took every last bit of energy I had. I couldn’t do this and see your pain too. What I noticed was a cold, disconnected woman who told me she found acceptance, love and adoration from the husband of her best friend. I couldn’t see through the coldness to the pain behind those eyes I had known for so many years. Once I recovered from the shock, I tried to bring you back. I worked to show you what we had and what our future could be. I had hoped our counseling sessions would illuminate a fatal flaw in our relationship that we could fix. In the end, the draw of the other relationship was too much. Our marriage did not survive and we went our separate ways. I want you to know that I am doing well. I understand that your intention was not to cause me pain or cause pain for our children. I understand that in life, sometimes things just happen. If you harbor any guilt, I hope that you are able to move past it. Guilt is a poison that consumes the soul. It leads us down a path that is filled with anger, pain and desperation. I want you to know that I understand my role. I am not perfect and certainly have made many mistakes in our marriage. I feel most remorse for not being the person you could open up to when you felt the pull from the affections of another. Please know that your faith is what sustains you in times of need. Mistakes can be forgiven and we all have a chance to learn from our past. Don’t let the choices made for you define who you are as a person. Allow those choices to be experiences that you can grow to know yourself better and become the person you were meant to be.

    R.

    (It was a long road for me and for our two children. After a period of time, I met someone else who had experienced a divorce similar to mine. She understood the meaning of commitment. That it is more than just a spark… it was a choice. We have worked tirelessly to establish a warm and loving union between the four children blended in our new family. We work every day to support our new family and blend our lives from what they were to what they will become. You need to know that I couldn’t be happier. While there will always be times that cause anxiety, I now have a future that is more clear than at anytime in my life before. Life is a choice too! Each day I wake, I decide that this day will be better than the one before. The steps I have taken have led me to a life I enjoy living. There is too much pain in this life to invoke hopes of discontent for others. Life is too short to admonish your ex for his or her choice. Live the life you want your children to live. Be the people you want your children to admire. Serve others before yourselves and you will be engulfed with a love that is incomprehensible. My past marriage ended, in part, as a result of her unwillingness to work through the infidelity and build a new relationship. When that book closed and was placed on the shelf, will you have the strength to start a new one? I am here to tell you, it is worth it!!

    Good luck to those who suffer, both the cheated and the cheater…

  227. 227
    Anonymous Says:

    My wife had an affair with a client of hers (she’s a massage therapist). Now he’s loaded with money from what I understand. But my concern is the guy knew she was married! What are the statistics on a guy who does that repeatedly after the fun is over?

  228. 228
    Anonymous Says:

    To #196 this has happened to me – the “cooling off” – after leaving his wife, being told he is having professional counseling and needing time on his own for a while, and with me he is hoping that I will meet the man of my dreams as he has ‘moved on’ from me and no longer has a connection… I am not the comfy old slipper, I suspect he has it now with the so-called female ‘friend’ he has been spending time with (while trying to save his marriage) since the ‘distancing’ began… Time will tell if he is lying to me just like he lied to his wife. Karma has come quickly my way and you know what? I deserve all this pain and heartbreak that I am feeling. I should have run at the start when he told me his wife was living in the city because of their child’s education and he was lonely and blah blah blah…no sex, etc, etc. I fell for his charm and boy he has buckets of it, loves to be loved and adored by females, especially single ones….. I am trying hard not to be bitter as I chose to walk that path. But being intoxicated with love/lust it was so hard to walk away, as the OW you really get swept up in the moment and try to close your eyes and ears to the reality of what you are doing…but in the end I sent him back to his “sort things out with his wife,” but then had to stand back and watch him make a “new” friend right under my nose…karma started right then and there for me, and continues daily….

  229. 229
    Anonymous Says:

    It really makes me sick the way these people who’ve had affairs try to justify their actions. They’re INSIDIOUSLY selfish and self-consumed. They don’t care about the pain they caused their spouse. They care only about their own self-gratification. They really are NAUSEATING.

    All their stories are rife with attempts at justification for their sickeningly selfish, home-wrecking actions. The vast majority of their new SO-CALLED marriages will end in divorce. The ones that remain together will do so in misery. How freaking heartless, self-absorbed and nauseating can you get?

  230. 230
    Anonymous Says:

    I think affairs are ugly. And I think people who have had or are in one see them as ugly, too. Some betrayed spouses seem to have the idea that adulterers have zero feelings while the affair is going on, and that’s simply not true, although it’s easier and more gratifying to think that way. The fact is this: if your partner cheated on you it doesnt mean they didnt love you, it just means that they didnt love you enough. Everyone reading these posts needs to read, “Not Just Friends”. It helped me understand affairs and just how grey life really is. Not everyone has what it takes to get past an affair, whether you were in one or weathering the storm of someone else’s. Whenever I read a hateful rant I either assume it’s written by someone just discovering an affair or by someone who is just not capable of coping with the “worse” part of “for better or worse”. And I can’t, nor should anyone, blame them. It’s the ultimate betrayal. Couples break vows all the time, every single married person has broken at least one vow. Go ahead, read them, I’m sure you have broken at least one, if only the insignificant one. But they don’t write movies about the man who didn’t respect his wife enough to help out around the house to alleviate stress, and you will read no blogs about the woman who never thanked the hard working husband who worked 60 hour weeks. That stuff doesn’t stand out. It’s boring. If we can write off our cheating spouses off as unforgivable scum, then we don’t have to face the fact that we may have contributed to the failing marriage. And for those of you rolling your eyes at that, yes, I understand that there are many a cheating partner that gave no warning signs that they weren’t happy. Shame on them. Some people cheat in happy relationships, I don’t understand them, but it happens. Even I have to cringe and scratch my head when I read a comment that starts off with, “I’ve been married to an amazing man/woman, but…”. Never understood how someone could ever be swayed by another when they’re having every need met within their marriage. But, then again, I’m trying not to judge. In any event, affairs are hard on everyone, but they happen. They shouldn’t, but they do. What happens next is up to you. You are strong if you stay, but only if you can truly forgive in time, otherwise you’re just kidding yourself and doomed to lonely existence. You’re strong if you leave, but again, only if you can forgive in time.

  231. 231
    Anonymous Says:

    This is for #222…MY..MY…MY
    Why are you so ANGRY!!!!..I am a lady that was cheated on by her husband of 25 years. We had 4 beautiful children together… mortgage,bills, etc. the entire enchilada..so when he decided to cheat and bounce out of our lives.. it was what it was. NO I am not BITTER.. DESPERATE.. PATHETIC.. life goes.. on.. he is free to make his choice.. so am I.. but it is his loss..his children are now adults..and no relationship with any of them.. he was so IN LOVE.. and opted out to ignore his children…I am happy.remarried to a wonderful man. However he is not married.. his marriage did not last 3 months!!!!!! So who is PATHETIC!! DESPERATE!!!! BITTER!!

    I think you need a good massage… manicure.. pedicure. and of course HOOTTT SEXXXX!!!!!

  232. 232
    Anonymous Says:

    #231… you sound happy because you met someone and are happy now and married. Good for you. Not everyone is as lucky as you are. I understand the anger, depression, sadness and loneliness of the casuality of the unwanted. I was the wife dumped by the husband of 18 years and we have a handicapped son as well. It’s really difficult to the one who was deceived and plotted against with the new lover.

    My ex married her 4 months after our divorce.. Even though I had called her before the final “stand” to tell her to leave my husband alone she actually had the nerve to say “he’s just a friend I’m going through a divorce and I’m getting christian counseling to help me”.. And I said to her if you’re getting Christian counseling to help “YOU SHOULDN’T BE TALKING TO A MARRIED MAN”.. It did not matter the pain that was inflicted on me and my son to justify the lust they had together.

    So now fast forward 13 years.. I had to place our son in a home because I couldn’t take care of him alone and work. He moved out of state with her. I am not allowed to talk to him nor have his number. I can’t understand a man who has a child that is wheelchair bound in diapers and will always have to be taken care of move out of state and totally abandon him. Our son is now 26 and his life is going to a day program and going to the home. That’s IT! besides me taking him on weekends and doing my best with a 160lb man who will forever need my help.

    No I don’t think there is a good reason to CHEAT. I really believe all these people that do were able to stay in this marriage until they met someone and then they had the courage to leave.

    CHEATING is destruction and lives are ripped apart because of a selfish act. I know I have a scar on my heart but I’m over him the only thing that makes me get tears is the thought of our son who has NO FATHER, no Man who will be his father and I see how much he just wants affection.. it’s heartbreaking.

    So if you’re angry it’s ok.. time helps but that scar will forever be there.

  233. 233
    Anonymous Says:

    To #19.

    Bravo!

  234. 234
    Anonymous Says:

    This is for # 232
    I FULLY understand and FEEL your ENTIRE PAIN… I did go through the same pain…and I think the children do suffer greatly.. I did not get to the place I am overnight..

    It was a very slow process…I was just trying to process everything..he just walked out…did not come home from work one day???? my daughter was 6 months old.. A ton of excuses on this and that..

    There is NEVER a good REASON to cheat..only EXCUSES!!! PPL that do CHEAT…r selfish, insecure, immature, lacking in solving problems..

    HOWEVER life does continue to tick away.. it is very painful..Just remember if he did it with ya..he will do it to ya….Cheaters never win!!!! My ex married his girlfriend 30 days after our divorce.. he moved in with her while we were still married!!! he could not wait for the divorce.so he moved in with her 1 bedroom apt in a rough part of town…he then took our IRS refund which was 5k and took her on trips, restaurants, hotels, dinners, all the dating perks.. like he was a single man!!! WOW.. but that was my ammo…he had to repay it back as part of my MAINTENANCE PACKAGE..how dare you steal from your children…????

    sooooo I am not bitter.. just accept what was given to me…and put it it the rearview mirror… I DO NOT WANT ANYBODY THAT DOES NOT WANT ME!!!!

    You will meet someone else.. that loves you and only you and your son!!!! when you least expect it.. I was.. not really looking… but I STOPPED focusing on him and his girlfriend.. I did improve on me….and I do have TRUST.. LOVE… and PEACE… not wondering where, when, and why… ??? he is and what are they doing…anything based on a web of lies and deceit will not last !!!

    I agree that scar will always be there… but it is down deep and much more POSITIVE LIFE AWAITS YOU!!!!

  235. 235
    Anonymous Says:

    An unmarried woman has no duty to any man’s wife. HE took the vows. She didn’t. HER only duty is to herself. The only way an affair can happen between a married man and a single woman is if HE BREAKS HIS VOW, BETRAYS HIS WIFE, AND CHEATS. The only thing a single woman needs to do if she’s in a position to be seduced by a married man — and it’s hard — is find out how depraved, weak, and heartless he really is. If his wife has “made his life unbearable” and he hasn’t left her, he’s either weak or lying. If he has affairs to hurt his wife as payback, he’s weak and emotionally immature. And if the mistress gets involved with him and he successfully cheats for years while she sells herself on the belief that he isn’t lying to her, too … she badly needs to address her neediness and capacity for self delusion. But acting like she committed some great evil against anyone but herself is bullshit.

  236. 236
    Anonymous Says:

    #235, I was getting ready to chastise you for your post (as you can guess, I was the wife that was cheated on). But then I read to the very end and you’ve made some really valid points. I would love to copy and paste this and send it to my ex and his live-in gf. I am still a believer in it was a 50/50 choice they made to get involved. She could have walked away. But your explanation makes a lot of sense. They are still together, two cheaters, and I would not want to find myself in that situation.

  237. 237
    Anonymous Says:

    to #234.. thank you.. I’m #232.. and just hearing someone who has gone through pain like me and probably many, many others. I appreciate your response 🙂

  238. 238
    Anonymous Says:

    I disagree with # 235!!! The woman who cheats should have a duty to herself.. and not his wife..nor him. It is a cheap escape for nothing!!! A woman that will creep and cheat with a married man is totally wrong. A woman with values will find a man that is available to HER..not steal another person’s husband. However no man can be taken that does not want to be stolen… by the other woman. The problem is people do not have morals nor values anymore!! Anything and everything goes… this culture is built on if it feels good do it.. no consequences, no problems, no worries.. Both parties that engage in such behavior are horrible.. and it tears down the fibers of family and society!!!!

  239. 239
    Anonymous Says:

    ALLRIGHT PEOPLE LISTEN UP

    RIGHT ACTIONS = RIGHT RESULTS

    WRONG ACTIONS = WRONG RESULTS

  240. 240
    Anonymous Says:

    #238, I agree with you also (#236 here). I’ve always said that the OW was at much at fault for the affair as my ex. She knew he was married and could have walked away. But it appears this is part of her MO. She cheated on husband #1 with what became husband #2. Now cheats on him to be with my ex. I am in my early 50s and growing up as a child of the 60s and 70s, I knew next to no one that ever divorced. Of course, affairs have been going on forever but people worked on their marriages. Now, it seems you are in the minority if your marriage lasts 20 years or more. I find that so sad. My ex still does not introduce the OW to any friends or family, even though we are coming up on 5 years since the sh*t hit the fan. Our grown daughter finally met her a few months ago, quite by accident. It was not a comfortable situation for anyone. I cannot imagine living my life that way. As the saying goes, there are many fish in the sea. I would rather be alone than carry on a relationship that had to be kept in secret. Some people have no morals anymore and simply do not care how it affects the spouse, the children, even the extended family.

  241. 241
    Anonymous Says:

    Everyone has their own story. What bothers me is that it’s always the other woman’s fault. Well, let me tell you differently. I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man, for almost five years. He’s married 30 years, myself 28 years. We met at work, had a very friendly relationship, but never anything else. When he left and came for his final paycheck, he asked me out to lunch, and of course I agreed, because I was going to miss my friend. We had lunch, talked for hours, and said goodbye and Happy Holidays. He had to come back for another paycheck, and asked to meet me for lunch again and I couldn’t wait. Well that lunch led to what I can only explain as what we both had been missing for years, to kiss and be hugged was intense, no sex needed, it wasn’t a sexual affair, it was a deep emotional connection. His wife was an alcoholic who passed out every night, and my husband was addicted to pills and also passed out every night. So we talked and texted for hours while they were both passed out by 7pm. We couldn’t wait for that, as we could have all night to talk. We met every chance we could, and of course it eventually led to sexual encounters, which were incredible, but it was not how the relationship began. After 6 months, his wife found out and things had to change, he is now a prisoner with not a minute to himself. But we coudn’t stop seeing each other, not for sex, which hasn’t happened for 4.5 years, but for the emotional support. It has now been five years. We talk 3 times a day, see each other twice a week….and no one can believe that’s it’s just to be in each others arms and talk about our frustrations and feel the closeness that everyone needs, but that we no longer have in our loveless marriages. But we respect each other, understand our family situations and would never even think of putting pressure on one another. As we have been patient within our marriages for many years before we met, we will wait before hurting others. Not every affair should be labeled as cheating, but more importantly sometimes it is what is needed for the spouses who have been emotionally abused for years and put up with it for the “family”. Our kids are fully grown; it’s our family life and selfish spouses who would find blame and place it upon us, as we are the”cheaters” Although we both are the ones who have been cheated out of a life of happiness. We hope to have it one day together, but we are both willing to wait. And that’s a wonderful feeling.

  242. 242
    Anonymous Says:

    this is for #237, I am SOOOOOOO glad to give good words of uplifting spirits! Yes, I have experienced the pain as well, there is life after an affair, and it is BETTER! I APPRECIATE your comments as well. Enjoy your day!!!

  243. 243
    Anonymous Says:

    So sad to see that people don’t understand why unhappily married couples stay together in a miserable marriage. It’s because they don’t want to disrupt the kids and family, and also for financial stability. But this leaves both spouses in complete misery. Amazingly, once a spouse finds out that another relationship has developed, it is so unbelievable to them. They claim they are victims and were blindsided. What about the years of bitching, false accusations, verbal abuse, sheer laziness and lack of human touch or caring…. Just to mention a few.
    The stories here range from ranting, jealous name calling, without any realization of the truth, to sad stories about truly untrustworthy repeat cheaters.
    But the best stories are those who find themselves finally getting the opportunity to love again, even when they stayed in the situation that was best for the family, but unhealthy, sad, and not good for either of them.
    Do not criticize someone who did the right thing, but found themselves, without looking for it, finding happiness again in their lives. It doesn’t make them cheaters, it makes them human and able to feel that life is worth living again.

  244. 244
    Anonymous Says:

    It is GREAT, to LOVE again, but get a Divorce first!!! DON’T cheat because of problems. YES move on and find LOVE and do it the right way. If the other person you are cheating with is your NEW LOVE, they will wait for the Divorce!!! EVERYONE DESERVES TO BE HAPPY!!!

  245. 245
    Anonymous Says:

    Replying to #16, I believe you are absolutely correct. Humans are not monogamous by nature. All you have to do is read the Bible to know that. All of the patriarchs in the Old Testament had their children by more than one woman. Look at King David, he had hundreds of wives and still took Bathsheba. To my understanding, it wasn’t that he took another man’s wife that he was punished for, it was that he arranged to have her husband killed to cover it up that was the problem.
    Yes, David did pay a heavy price for his affair and subsequent murder but in the end he was referred to as “a man after God’s own heart” which means that he was forgiven. So why are so many of you unwilling to forgive those who fall to this temptation?
    Even in the New Testament there is a passage in regards to qualifications for Elders that says “he must be the husband of one wife” which suggests that there were men in the Christian church who had more than one wife even in the early history of the Christian church.
    Why is our culture so hung up on monogamy? It is not that way in many other cultures of the world, and no I am not a Mormon. ;o) I just recognize the reality that humans are not by nature monogamous. I don’t understand why as a culture we are in mass denial of this fact and are trying to force something on people that is just not natural. Wake up and smell the coffee people!
    I would guess that some of you on here who are the most critical of those who have had affairs have had secret affairs of your own. I would quote from “Hamlet” “me thinks the lady dost protest too much!”

  246. 246
    Anonymous Says:

    Really, #243? And at whose expense is that happiness built on? While you claim the side where there were plenty of issues, there are also plenty of cases where the spouse was truly blindsided even though they were the best spouse they could be. You know, it’s sometimes just never enough for some cheaters. You find it amazing that a person is hurt by the fact that their spouse cheated, because even though they were both miserable only one of them decided to step out. Well, betrayed spouses are human too, so don’t go disregarding their feelings as if they shouldn’t be surprised to be betrayed. They hurt just as much as those who cheated are happy.

  247. 247
    Anonymous Says:

    honestly # 245..y even bother to marry??? just sleep around with different ppl NEVER make a committment?? just chasing lust,,not LOVE some ppl do it..and NEVER experience REAL LOVE!!!!

  248. 248
    Anonymous Says:

    To #247: I would guess that #245 has felt the extreme pain of a cheating, disloyal spouse. Someone you have built a life with, had children with, and planned for the future.

  249. 249
    Anonymous Says:

    Sorry, that should say that #245 has NEVER felt the extreme pain…

  250. 250
    Anonymous Says:

    No one here can understand each others situations. But everyone knows that there are spouses who stay in unhappy, abusive relationships for the commitment.. And then stay for the kids and financial reasons. But its never a happy outcome, and can one day lead to the passive spouses finding, not looking, but finding someone who fills their emotional needs.
    Of course, the “Other woman” is always blamed, as you read here, called the whore, slut and the entire reason for the affair, she must have been after him and pushed him, of course. He would never stray from that perfect marriage, one where he has been miserable for 20 years or so…It’s always her fault, even if the man was the one to make the first move. Not a bad move in his horrendous situation, but still the first move.
    If you feel scorned or blindsided, no one is after your husband, he strays because he is miserable.

  251. 251
    Anonymous Says:

    Not one mans strays because a WOMAN made him..No man can be taken away that does not want to be taken away. Nobody put a gun to his head to leave HIS spouse….BUT.. WHATEVER HAPPENED TO COUNSELING, VOWS,COMMUNICATION..WORKING Through a problem..Our culture is into instant gratification when a disagreement arises..you should NOT turn away from YOUR SPOUSE and run to another WOMAN for problem solving … nor make the first move..YOU ARE JUST ADDING TO THE PROBLEMS!!!!

  252. 252
    Anonymous Says:

    You know, I read all of these comments and everyone had a good point to some degree. I was cheated on by my first love, hell I married her and for all purposes was happy for almost 12 years. We had two beautiful boys and there were ups and downs but I wasn’t broadsided; I was hit by a bus because she not only left me and the kids; she left us for her best friend’s husband and not even a year after our divorce, married him. Now she wants the kids because she wants to take care of her moral obligations.
    Cheating is hard and not everyone that does it is the devil. But when you cheat on a decent person, and I didn’t say a saint, and then you blame them for your own actions, really, if you’re looking for the guilty, you only need look in a mirror. We all pay a price for the things we do and some can spout the whole I am in love but at one point you were in love with your spouse and if you weren’t then why in the hell did you marry them? People don’t think before they dive into things but in reality men are more logical and women are more emotional, that being said it is our duty as a whole civilization to really take the time and think about something before we do it and make the best decision not for ourselves, but for the whole. One can make infidelity a vague topic but let’s face it, cheating comes in all forms and one thing always leads to another. At the end of the day what lessons do you want your children to learn? Infidelity is by no means easy and neither is destroying a family. But damn us as the victims and yes I can say that because I have had my family destroyed. What do you want for your children in the end? At the end of the day that is all that really matters. Partners or spouses can come and go but those human beings that you both helped create will still be your children when the smoke settles. Time will iron out the rest and selfishness will never be rewarded in the grand scheme of things. Worry about them because in the end they will need strong morals and a loving hand to help them rebuild their lives.

  253. 253
    Anonymous Says:

    I’ve been in a extra-marital affair for more than 3 years. I’ve been with my husband for 20 years and this is not the first emotional affair, but it is the first physical one. My husband is a great father and a good person, but I can’t talk to him in the way I can talk to my affair partner. My husband is a delicate, anxious person who wants to focus on the good times in life and has no stomach for anything painful. So rather than tell him the truth that I’ve been unsatisfied, I’ve lied for years to keep him happy and hence, keep our family life happy. I’ve gone to personal therapy to work on being more honest but the only person I’m honest with is my affair partner. My husband and I have gone to couples therapy as well, but I lied the entire time which made the therapy pointless, and eventually we stopped going because it would stress him out just being there. I am 40 and feeling the tug of time on my body and my stamina. My affair partner pushes all the right buttons – I feel desired, smart, and most of all I don’t lie or say things I don’t mean. I know the issue is with me and I am working on being a stronger person who can tell the truth no matter if it hurts the people you love, but it’s very very hard. I don’t want to leave my husband because I want to keep our family intact for the sake of our kids, and I have no interest in marrying my affair partner either. If I could have it my way I would no longer be a wife, and have good friendships with people that I could be truthful with, and not have to lie.

    It takes guts to be honest. Start with yourself. Then try being honest with others. Hold your ground even if they are shocked, hurt, and in denial. I am working on getting to that place of honesty in my life. I work at it every day.

  254. 254
    Anonymous Says:

    #253..

    What you are doing is WRONG! It sucks that you aren’t honest with your husband that you’re having an affair. You don’t want to break up your marriage? Then what do you think your doing now? You’re building up walls of lies and infidelity. You can’t be honest with your husband? then fricking leave! You try to justify it with “I can’t talk to him the way I talk to my affair partner”.. Are you kidding, in your affair it’s only a slice of the real life, it’s all about escaping your every day routine and having this little side paradise. You justify your lies with all the bad things your husband does and you amp that bad up 100% so it makes it seem like you have justification to cheat. You’re 40? then get out now so your husband can have a chance at meeting a woman that will appreciate him and be a true partner, not a cheat.

    I have absolutely no sympathy for you. What’s the point of carrying on a FAKE marriage.. it’s not for the kids it’s for you not having the courage to leave and being on your own ALONE, quit trying to find fault in your husband and realize YOU ARE THE PROBLEM.

    Your fantasy affair is so selfish and you’re old enough to know that. It’s not like you’re 20 and dumb, you’re a middle aged woman, act like one!

  255. 255
    Anonymous Says:

    This is a taboo and biased approach. Marriages fail without affairs, life stage issues strike and changes in personalities take place. Please do a holistic understanding of a person before slotting them as this and that….even the so called experts are biased. So talking in percentages is not going to tell you ‘why?”

  256. 256
    Anonymous Says:

    I am not as eloquent with words as all of the other posters. I was married the first time for 14 years to someone I met and did not date very long. We had three children together. We just were two different people. Now my adult children say they can’t imagine us being together because we are so different. It was hard going through the divorce. I jumped right back in with someone I worked with. We’ve been married close to 10 years. He is a good man and tries to be good to me but he is a workaholic. I have tried for years to tell him that life is short and to please take more time with me. Evenings get so lonely day after day, year after year. I know for a fact he is working. He will not change. I do love him but we have little in common outside of the business we run together. If he found out, it would be earth shattering for the family business. He romanced me so fast after #1 because he said he didn’t want me to find someone else. I have found the love of my life, the one I have everything in common with, that makes me happy, the one I can see myself growing old with. He is married with children. Due to this being a public post, I will not put details, but he will leave her one day because of the way she is behind closed doors. We understand the pain it will cause family and kids. We are trying to wait years till his children are out of house. He is a good person in the community and so is my husband. Our families also have some mutual friends. I love my life except for not being happily married. I do understand it would not be perfect with someone else either. I have known the one I want to be with for about 6 years and always thought he was a great man, but events led us to spend more time together over a year ago and we fell madly in love with each other. I know having an affair is wrong. I know that this is the first time in my life that I have truly found a man that I have so much in common with, someone I love spending time with and wants to spend time with me. It’s just scary to give up a familiar easy life for a life that you’re not sure what will happen day to day. Could be the best thing that ever happen to me. Do I just give it time?

  257. 257
    Anonymous Says:

    #256

    Do you ever consider that when you’re in an affair what you do is emphasize how badly you’re treated or how you feel? You do this to justify your guilt so you feel that what you’re doing isn’t that bad. What about his wife, have you thought about how this will affect her and those kids? Do you think maybe she has NO CLUE and how devastating this will be to them? Do you realize what he tells you is not always true and he is in the same boat like you; justifying to himself how terrible his wife is too so he doesn’t feel that bad about his behavior. I read your post and all I see is about: YOU, YOU, YOU!

    Seriously if this guy is SO IN LOVE WITH YOU he would want to get out of his marriage NOW. Why would he want out of his marriage now if he is having his sexual and emotional fun with you. The time you two spend together and talk about how crappy your life/spouses are is just another way of trying to make yourself feel okay about what you’re doing. And you want to wait for him for years? lol are you that dumb?

    So you married your husband right away “because he said he didn’t want me to find someone else”.. Is that suppose to explain why your judgement is terrible? And if that’s what your trying to get across have you thought about what you’re doing NOW? You’re living in a fantasy world with this guy that you spend limited time with and when you do it’s about sex and this BS emotional “poor me” junk. This guy says he’ll leave his wife in YEARS? OMG leave this guy alone and his family.

    You’re husband is a workaholic? I’d rather have that than a guy that’s having an affair with some woman on the side (like you are).

    Try counseling anything besides doing this to another woman and her kids because you’re lonely. If you two really are in “LOVE” then get divorced and start your lives together now. Why should this other family and yours go along in this blind life not knowing the truth.

    Change is always scary but having all these innocent people who are intimately involved with this charade life you two are playing is really SELFISH and HURTFUL.

  258. 258
    Anonymous Says:

    It is amazing how all the cheaters realize their marriage or relationship was not something, or was coming to an end once they admit adultery, or it is out in the open…but till that day they do not say a word about their relationship/marriage being bad…just excuses!…Adultery is a very selfish act

  259. 259
    Anonymous Says:

    There are numerous reasons why people start affairs, dissatisfaction, boredom, loneliness, opportunity, selfishness, insecurity to name but a few. There are also lots of reasons why people carry on with affairs and don’t leave marriages, most notably children, financial circumstances, retaining “respectability”, the thrill of having it all. People are different so each circumstance will always be slightly different as to why it starts and how it ends, so I agree these things aren’t black and white. But the one thing that is true in all cases is that all affairs are based on lies and deceit and that diminishes the integrity of everyone involved. I am so bored listening to those who commit adultery justifying their actions with how they weren’t happy for years and they finally found their soulmate. It doesn’t matter if that is true and you live happily ever after with each other, in securing your own happiness you have completely disregarded the happiness of those who you and/or your affair partner betrayed and lied to. There will undoubtedly be cases where the betrayed one is a total bitch or bastard to their spouse but in the majority of the cases that just will not be true. Yes, people deserve to be happy but not at the expense of someone else’s happiness or peace of mind. No one has a right to hurt someone else just because their life isn’t a bed of roses every day. Be brave, be respectful and leave a bad marriage if you are unhappy and think staying might eventually cause more hurt than happiness to all parties. Don’t cheat and lie and then spout “But Ive found my soulmate” when you get caught.

    I was married for 12 years, some of them happy, some of them not and some of them where we were just going through the motions. I am not a bitch, he was not a bastard (note past tense) but sometimes we weren’t always as kind and caring as we could have been to each other. Real life, family, work gets in the way of that sometimes. Did I have opportunities to cheat on my husband during the unhappy periods, yes. Did I take them, no. Why not? Because affairs are never just about sex or even love, they are about fantasy and self indulgence, and I knew if started one I would have to become someone who lied and deceive someone I had committed myself to. I didn’t want to lose my self respect or the respect and love of my son or my husband by cheating on them or hurting them. So I removed myself from any “friendly” situation where it could so easily have become more. When the tables were turned, however, my ex-husband did not do the same. He had opportunity after opportunity over the years to say he was not happy in our marriage and to walk away and find happiness with someone else. At the time I first suspected he was more than friends with someone at work, I too was unhappy and so had a frank discussion giving him total freedom to be honest and leave with everyone’s dignity intact. But he didn’t, he lied over and over again, denied anything was going on, became super attentive, declaring his love for me every day and made me believe he was still the man I had loved but lost sight of. Discovered months later the whole time he was having sex with this other woman at every opportunity. Found childish messages of him telling her he loved her and that I was unsupportive and needy, that we had no sexual relationship and that they were soulmates. So not only lying to me but feeding her a crock of shit too. When I found out, he denied everything right up to literally having the evidence shoved in his face and then cried like a baby. But he was only feeling sorry only for himself not the hurt he had caused me or the pain he inflicted on our son.

    I divorced him, and he is now with the other woman. She was also cheating on her husband. Will it last, are they soulmates, who knows? It doesn’t really matter, it will never excuse the fact that their deceitful actions caused an enormous amount of pain for everyone they once claimed to love. They made a deliberate choice to cheat and lie and put their own happiness above their wife/husband/son rather than be truthful and honest. Those are the actions of selfish people who really only love and care for themselves, and while I’m not sure I buy into Karma, I do not believe any relationship built on lies has any chance of succeeding long term. No matter how much you kid yourself he/she would never do the same to you because you are true soulmates, if they are capable of lying and cheating on one person they claimed to love, they are capable of doing to the next. And next time it will be easier because if they have already lost their dignity, self respect and the respect of others by cheating with you, what difference does it make if they do it again when the honeymoon period with you is over, they have nothing left to lose and after all they deserve to be happy all the time don’t they???

    I’m not bitter, I’m happier than I’ve been in years but that is in spite of what has happened, not because of it. I am though less trusting and more wary about people’s motives and honesty. I probably will not get into anything serious with anyone again for a long time if at all. But life without paranoia or deceit is definitely better all round.

  260. 260
    Anonymous Says:

    Ended the affair I had but I am still thinking about him. Husband and I started drifting apart for a while and the spark of the relationship vanished. Our communication with each other has diminished as the years went by. I tried to leave and told him I was not happy and he wanted to work it out. I tried but it was hard as I already fell in a love with a guy that first started off as friendship but I felt we were initially attracted to each other. This is the first time I have done this and have been married for a while. Tried to leave the hubby, but I couldn’t do it because my kids were torn when we announced it. I hate that I am hurting everyone involved even the guy that I had an affair with. I wish I can just forget about him but I constantly think about him.

  261. 261
    Anonymous Says:

    It’s a rocky road we travel on. The affair I’m having is now a relationship. We are becoming more emotionally involved. I have decided to end my marriage as it is not fair to my husband to do this, even though he is unaware. I don’t expect to be anywhere near ready to be with my affair partner for several years, plus he is equally not ready. We both have a lot of work to do and we will only ever be together as a couple when that work is done. I have so much heartache ahead of me in ending a 20 year marriage where there has been companionship but no intimacy. I am in counseling. My childhood was one where I experienced emotional, physical and sexual abuse. Through my affair healing has begun in some of these areas. Morally this sounds so wrong but I feel safe with my lover. We had a strong connection as teens and he is my oldest friend. Knowing my childhood background has meant I haven’t needed to tell my story to this man. The peace I have experience from this relationship I have not ever felt before. It is the same for him.

  262. 262
    Anonymous Says:

    #258 & 259 : I totally relate to you.

    #259: I read your story and it made me cry since the same thing happen to me.

    Just wanted to give some luv back to the 2 of you. 🙂

    # 260 & 261.. talk to the hand cause you’re so NOT justifying your crap!

  263. 263
    Anonymous Says:

    My husband left his wife for me. We married a year later. It literally turned into a living hell with him afterwards. He showed his true personality: lost his job, refused to get another one, and turned heavily to drugs and alcohol. He became verbally abusive and leeched off me for 8 years until I finally left him. We are still married, separated now, with two young children that he refuses to help me take care of. I sold myself short, and if I could go back, I would have gotten with someone my own age and single.

  264. 264
    Anonymous Says:

    It sounds as if you’ve been down a rough road. All because of the need to feel love. I understand that too well. You will have to put it down to experience. You married a wolf in sheep’s clothing. You’re only human, we all make mistakes. At least you can say you lived with your heart open. Yes, someone took advantage of that love, but that’s now in the past. Your next love can be the right one for you. Take your time, look after yourself, be kind to yourself. Take comfort in your children. Another chapter will open for you, try not to look back with regret.

  265. 265
    Anonymous Says:

    I’m the “other guy” in the affair. When I met her, she was separated from her husband….actually said nothing about that until we had been talking for a week or two. They have two young children together. She had nothing good to say about him…selfish, immature, controlling, ruined her finances, etc. After two and a half months she tells me that everything was good with her marriage and she didn’t want me to get the wrong impression of her situation. Yet, we still got together after that, but that stopped. Slowly, the content of our conversations stopped. We still talked all the time. She told me how she felt about me many times. It’s been five months after we first met and we still talk but not as often. She still cares about me, tells me we can only be friends because she wants to work on her marriage and that she doesn’t know what’s going to happen. We have feelings for each other and that’s what makes it so difficult for either of us to let go. Affairs aren’t always black and white. They’re not always only sexual in nature. And they’re not always intended. Neither one of us started this with the intention of an affair. It started as two people talking.

  266. 266
    Anonymous Says:

    Yeah, lots of relationships start with two people talking. How many people are out there that are willfully ignorant of how they feel every day? Do you all really just get up and bump into things all day and let emotions control you? Things like this don’t “just happen.” You make decisions and decisions have actual, real consequences. You are either people who break promises or you aren’t. The decision to treat your spouse horrifically is BINARY. You either treat people badly or you don’t. If you do not want to be married to them, then have that conversation with your spouse. The people who are cheating — you are causing your spouse emotional harm and exposing them to STDs. You have absolutely no right to do this to them. Period. I can guarantee you that they notice something is wrong. They wonder why you are in a bad mood. They wonder why you don’t say the same things you used to. They wonder why you spend so much time on your phone. They trust you, so they figure you will tell them in time. You are treating this person like total crap. Your spouse exists. Your spouse is a person. This person does not deserve what you are doing to them. If, for some reason, you think they DO deserve it — that is a great reason to leave the marriage.

    You people that claim that things are difficult to understand: These things are not difficult to understand. These things are hard for you to understand because you choose not to admit to what you’re really doing. You want and feel entitled to a bunch of stuff and it’s past time to let all of that go. Even if you skip off into the sunset with your new fling — you are the type of person who will do this again and again to people who care about you, if you don’t get to the root of why you are doing it (hint: it’s NOT your spouse’s fault). I’m sorry if you don’t like to hear this, but a cheater is very much who you are. Is that really who you want to be? You don’t actually have to be that way.

    I challenge you — take a very, very hard look at yourself and ask why you are doing this. For every answer you come up with, ask ‘why?’ again. It will get harder the deeper you go, but get to the REAL root of this. Toss out the justifications (eg — we grew apart, I couldn’t make her happy, he didn’t make me happy, I had a crappy childhood, etc) that soothe you and look for something real. It’s very hard and most of you won’t do it. Cheaters get things the easy way. Cheating is EASY. Working on a relationship or walking away from it is difficult. Being an authentic person and treating people with respect is difficult. Talking and being honest when it’s hardest is HARD and scary. But, if you want something more from life than to float on the top of your emotional soup like a leaf in a pond, then you’re going to have to do work to get there. This is what being a reasoned, responsible, trustworthy, respectful adult is all about.

  267. 267
    Anonymous Says:

    Amen

  268. 268
    Anonymous Says:

    Well said, #266!

  269. 269
    Anonymous Says:

    I’m sorry for all the people who have been hurt by a cheating spouse, but move one. You can only be treated as you allow yourself to be treated. When I was growing up I saw my Mom stay in a marriage where she wasn’t happy… because of the children. You’re not doing your children any favors by staying in an unhappy marriage. Children know when it’s unhappy, but don’t say anything. We do our children a disfavor by showing them staying in an unhappy marriage because of some damn wedding vows. By seeing my Mom stay in an unhappy marriage, I made my own vow…to not stay in a marriage I was unhappy with because of some damn vow! I’ve seen couples stay in a marriage where they are miserable, treat each other with contempt, and have no sex or passion, only because of their wedding vows. When one stays in an unhappy marriage they are already breaking their wedding vows. I for one would not want to be with someone who does not want me wholeheartedly. I do not want to be with someone who does not want to be with me and who longs for someone else. I would rather be brokenhearted, get over it, and find someone who wants and desires me as much as I want and desire them. Have a little bit of self-respect and self-dignity and teach your children that. Don’t teach your children to stay in a relationship that doesn’t fulfill you because of some damn vows.

  270. 270
    Anonymous Says:

    Wow! There are some really bitter angry women posting here. How about this for a change? Stop relying on a man to make you feel complete and happy. Focus on yourself. Happiness and peace comes from within. As soon as you realize that and start doing things for yourself you will become more attractive to your mate. Getting married and having kids doesn’t mean you have to give up your own existence and your own happiness. And if the man you’re with doesn’t want you any more, he doesn’t want you. Move on. Why would anyone want to be with another person who doesn’t want them. Have some self-respect and dignity and get on with your life. Every one deserves to be loved by another person as much as they love that person. It can’t be forced or guilted into out of obligation or because someone took a vow. Whether you’re a man or a woman, you deserve better than that.

  271. 271
    Anonymous Says:

    #266… I feel everything you said is so on target. I just want to say thanks for writing it out. My ex of 18 years did that to me… married her 4 months after our divorce and move 1800 miles away. We have a handicapped son 27 who is in a home, who has not seen his so called dad in 2 years. The ex and his wife are “hard core christian’s” they claim. I just saw the ex’s face book for the 1st time in 13 years.. all the pictures he has is of her and her adult children and the grand daughter. NOT ONE PICTURE OF HIS SON! NOT ONE!! it breaks my heart. At least I’m still here for my son and bring him home when I can. He’s in a wheelchair and wears diapers I’ve been changing diapers for 27 years… SO ALL YOU STUPID SELFISH PEOPLE WHO CHEAT DESTROY OTHER PEOPLE’S LIVES!

    #269: If that’s how you feel then don’t read the posts cause it’s here to serve a purpose for venting or whatever the need is. No one deserves to be treated like shit, and good for you that you would rather be brokenhearted but not everyone is like you, there is pain in a lot of people who have been the dumped spouse so let them speak!

  272. 272
    Anonymous Says:

    To #269 and #270 – you both obviously have not had someone you love and spent years with break your heart. I always said, if my husband ever cheated on me, he’d be out the door, etc., etc. Then, when it did happen, the hurt and pain was so bad, I could barely function. We were h.s. sweethearts and had been married 25 yrs. when I found out about the affair. Together a total of 33 years. You don’t just pick yourself up and dust yourself off from something like that. It took about 9 months of therapy for me till I was finally able to move on. Don’t judge how others handle their pain and grief until you’ve walked in their shoes.

  273. 273
    Anonymous Says:

    #270

    It isn’t about being co-dependent on your spouse for happiness, it’s about making a commitment with someone you love that you will be true to each other. There is a betrayal that hurts your soul and it takes time to repair… that’s why there are so many divorced people with so much “baggage”. It’s unbelievable that someone you thought was your mate for life just disposes of you like a used tissue.

    You sort of have this selfish approach to marriage when you say, “getting married and having kids doesn’t mean you have to give up your own existence and your own happiness.” If I had thought like that I wouldn’t have been with my son in the pediatric intensive care unit 1 week every 3 months as he suffered with all his health issues and pain. I guess with your theory I should have just left on vacation for the week because I didn’t want to give up my life or happiness. Do you have any clue how stupid your statement is?

    We’re all not clinical like you and can disconnect so easily. It’s not like you’re 25 and then it happens; it more like you’re in your 40’s and then suddenly you’re single. It’s a difficult process. And your statement,
    “it can’t be forced or guilted into out of obligation or because someone took a vow.” How about this: DON’T MAKE THE VOW.. Wow, how easy that would have been and it’s always easier to leave someone when you already have a backup mate.

    Of course we all deserve better, but it’s like being a war victim. Maybe they should call it “post traumatic divorce syndrome” cause damn it sure feels like it!

  274. 274
    Anonymous Says:

    Well said, #273. By far, the hardest time of my life.

  275. 275
    Anonymous Says:

    I was with my husband since we were 16. We were married for almost 43 years. I trusted him implicitly. He was a naval officer and was also away for long periods (and short periods) of time and trust was necessary. He died suddenly in his sleep at the age of 59. I had only started to grieve when I find out from looking through his online accounts that he was cheating on me. He was never confident enough to approach women. He could never even ask a female to dance. I found out that after only three months of marriage (and six years together) that while away from home for the first time in his life at the age of 22 (he was at the navy officer’s candidate school), a married fellow student was the aggressor and initiated an affair with him. This woman even had the nerve to be waiting for him when he returned home and continued her relationship with him. She asked her husband for a divorce while my husband was supposed to be asking me for a divorce. Instead, she comes home to a letter telling her that I attempted suicide and that he couldn’t leave me. That ended the affair. I then find out that in 2001 (the first time was 1978-79) this woman wrote him right after we moved to a new home and were beginning a new chapter in our lives. She claimed she saw him as a friend and was going through things in her life and just wanted to talk to him. I called bullshit on that one. She said he started sending sexual emails and that she ended it out of respect for me and my marriage. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT! Anyway, he goes looking for her online again a few years later and they start talking again but she did not want anything more to happen. THEN, all while this is going on, a woman he knew in 10th grade sent him a letter on “classmates” and they started an ongoing “thing.” He went to CA for training on something and she saw him for the first time since they started communicating. They then began talking often on the phone and when she would be on a layover at our airport he would go see her while she waited. Then in 2007 he was out of town on another training thing for several days and she actually flew out to meet him there. I believe if anything sexual happened, that was the time. Since 1997 (when she moved back to CA from Canada where she had been living) he had gotten out of the navy in 2003) she only saw him occasionally for breakfast or something like that when we as a family would be in town and he could sneak out in the morning for a bit. She actually only saw him for a tiny bit twice in 2015. She believed that he would eventually leave me and be with her. She was told to never tell a soul about them and she says she did not. He fed her some really stupid bs about his training and “secrecy, privacy, discretion” and she actually believed it! I laughed so hard on that one. Anyway, I told her that she was the victim of the longest con and that he wasn’t going anywhere. She had been waiting 15 years and was willing to wait “as long as it would take”, at the time of his death. She went from around 46 yrs old to pushing 60. I think she thought she found someone to take care of her in her old age. Oh, and you should see both these women. I am always critical of myself but you don’t know me and I will say that I am always being told how beautiful I am and how nowadays how I look sooo much younger than my years. My husband looked like crap when he died and these women are dogs. I am a destroyed woman. I will never get over this betrayal. Woman number one says that she knew that I was his soul mate as he would tell people and that I was his true love. She says he had some fascination with her and what they did when they were young. I do believe that. I think he was going through the mother of all mid-life crisis’. He would cry if a song about how life flies by etc. would come on the radio. I also know that I didn’t tell him how great he was often enough. He actually asked me why I would tell others how great he was and not tell him. I said I was sorry and that he should know how I felt. ALMOST 43 years together. I didn’t think I needed to tell him that on a regular basis but I guess I was wrong. Anyway. I feel like my whole life was a lie and I feel so betrayed. I have been stabbed in the heart. I am sixty years old (and look pretty damn good) and have never even thought about betraying him and he knew that. He was the only man that I have ever even slept with. I feel like I wouldn’t even know how to go on a date now even if I wanted to. Men are interested in me and I would have no problem, but I don’t know if I can. My brain works overtime torturing me and I don’t know if I will ever recover. I just want to confront him and that will never happen. Our three kids found out when I did, so our family is a mess.

  276. 276
    Anonymous Says:

    To #275. It sounds like the whole foundation of your marriage was built on sand. Did you ever have any inkling that your husband was unfaithful?? Deep inside did you ever feel mistrust when he was away? His ability to lead several lives is truly telling you that he was a very complex man with so many emotional flaws. His ego must have been so fragile that he had to have it stroked by all these different woman. You perhaps made it possible for him to have these affairs by providing that safe harbor of familiarity and acceptance at home. It never ceases to amaze me why these men don’t leave their marriages. I guess they are fundamentally weak and need the stability at home to cope with all the drama going on in the affair. I think for you to get through this devastating experience you perhaps can try and focus on all the things that were good in your marriage. There must have been some wonderful memories and times of love and acceptance between you and your husband. Maybe you can thank him for giving you these gifts, and try and forgive him so in time you will be able to move on. You still have 20 or 30 years left to live. Your husband is no more, it is your time to have a life ahead . You can choose to be happy.

  277. 277
    Anonymous Says:

    Well… If you are on this you are probably the victim of a recent betrayal… I will try to give you some insight. Be prepared as much as you can because you are on the roller coaster ride from hell. I recently went/am going through this. And boy I wish I had some guidance. You can never be prepared enough for what you are going through.

    So first of all, you need to recognize that your body/mind is in complete shock/disarray. You are trying to process this and nothing is making sense. This I learned, is normal. You are shaken to your core. You will question whether everything and everyone around you is real. Real, as in genuine, as you accept it in life. You mentally learn to block out from childhood all bad things that can hurt you. So this is like the boogie man in the closet. You come to think it cannot exist. Well this one does.. And it f-Ing sucks.

    You are going through a tough process of emotions. You have to learn to accept this as this is your core system of dealing with the blow. It is really amazing how your body and mind have to go through these emotions. How drastic this really is. This will affect you mentally and physically for a while and there is really nothing you can do about it except let it takes its course.

    First you are going to question everything about yourself. What did I do wrong??? You will try almost rationalize this as being your own fault. You might have contributed to the unhappiness of the marriage, but this is not your fault. (You will hear this a lot.) Not financially, physically, mentally. No such thing as a perfect situation out there. You will/might become really clingy to your betrayer. This was really weird to me, but when I found out that I was betrayed, I become a clingy B. Ass backwards right?? But it happens. I think this is the mind’s way of trying to fix something and make up for lost years of affection/love/attention towards your partner. Like that was the cause of them straying. It’s just a process of the emotions. This will pass.

    You are going to completely loose your focus. This sucks and affects you in all aspects of life. Kids, work, family. You are almost mentally paralyzed by the trauma you are experiencing. But I will tell you it will pass, with time. So the only thing you can really do is put in your best effort right now. Be there for your family. Call your parents and siblings. Play with your kids. Do your best at work. I know, easier said then done. But in the long run you have no choice. You have already lost a lot. Don’t loose the time with the other very important parts of your life. I did. And I regret it now. I wasn’t there for my mom when she needed me. I wasn’t there mentally for my kids, just physically. I suffered greatly at work because I could not focus. All you can think about is them. How could they do this to you? Can I ever trust them again? Are they doing something wrong right now? Are they getting ready to leave you? How do you get back what you felt you lost? Well stop. Not that easy right? Well it’s not. I just want you to know this is normal. But do the best you can, because later you will feel like you lost a lot of time of your life obsessing with this.

    Right now your brain is reprogramming itself. It is processing from what you thought to be real and to what is real. And most of it is still the same as it was before any of this happened. But your brain does not know this yet. The trauma hit the reset button on you. It is now pulling in all that data again, just like when you were first developing as a child. Growing, accepting, learning. What is good, bad, dangerous, etc. compete reprogramming. This sounds weird, I know.. But it is what it is. It has to take its coaurse for you to become, feel “normal” again. This is going to take while. Just like when you were a child, you did not develop in one day. So now all the interactions you are making is all data your brain is accepting. But there is a lot of hurt right now. This hurt is blocking all the pleasant experiences in your life. The data that give you happy feelings, joy, peace, relaxation. So it is just taking longer. You will feel these again. Slowly and when you are just living and processing day to day activities. This will make you laugh again, smile, feel joy. And that’s the data your brain needs. To regenerate itself positively. All I can say is try to accept, enjoy, appreciate the good thoughts. They are there. They always have been. They are just really blocked currently. Listen to music, go for a walk, enjoy nature. What ever makes you happy. You know what it is. You had this before, it did not go away. You just can’t feel/sense it right now. Your brain need to reprocess those “happy” thoughts, and places.

    I took my major blow about 10 months ago. My wife betrayed me. Not so much physically but emotionally. Doesn’t matter, either way it sucks. By far the most painful hurt you will ever feel. Why? Because we live by a standard, a agreement, an understanding. This gives us comfort. The beliefs that they would/can never do anything that wrong. Well.. B/S

    What I had to learn to get through this is:

    1. We are freakin’ human. We make bad choices. We get caught up in the moment. We have wants, needs etc. So they messed up. We have all messed up at some point. I know, not comparable to other mistakes. This is just not one you can be mad at for a few days and get over right? Too traumatizing to accept as simple “mistake” because it was/is too painful? Too hurtful? You think they could never. But they did. When this first started with the other person it did not go from hi to a connection in one hr. It took time and steps and decisions. They were caught up in the moment. We all find other people attractive. And we talk to those people sometimes. And sometimes a little flare is created. And words are exchanged, and when you feel that connection you are losing a bit of that driver seat. Something seems to take over. Thank you Darwin! This is them “experiencing” a sense of euphoria. It is a slight high. They are not thinking about you or the consequences of their actions. They are just caught up in the moment. And a lot of the time not realizing what is actually happening. And things progress, And progress. And before you know it they are in a position that they never thought they could ever be in. They love you, they did not want this to happen. But they have very limited control at this point. And they start their “relationship” when there really never should have been one. They made the wrong decision. But they are human. We are programmed this way. To follow those euphoric love feelings. We are built this way so we can meet, love, mate. This program does not just disengage once you get married. It is still there. You just are expected to behave as if this window was closed. But it can never really be shut down. It is always open in the back ground. So basically please understand that this was not about you, while it was flaring up. It was about them, And their blurred vision thanks to evolution. Evolution does not account for marriage.

    2. No control. I can tell you now you have very little control over your spouse. And you should not have control over them. This is a bad combo. You need to realize that if they really don’t want to be there then they shouldn’t and you really can’t do anything about it. You can track them all you want. Check cell phone records, emails,, all a waste of your precious time. If they are wanting to still do something wrong then they will just find different methods of doing it. Bottom line is If they are checked out, then they are checked out. Leave it. Could be a phase. Whatever it is. You trying to control them does not work. Yeah, this probably gives you comfort right now. Seeing that they are really not up to anything. Or that thought “if I just see one more thing, that’s it, I’m outta here.” This actually has a complete opposite affect. If you are going through your significant others personal items, they know it. They are not stupid. You are acting suspicious every time you do it. This makes them feel you are desperate. Beneath them. They are better then you because you are putting in wasteful time into their staying with them as opposed to the betraying partner putting in the time to make things right. So let go of the need to have control. I know; another tough step. But it has very positive affect. You partner sees you not so desperate and more confident and independent. Which everyone likes about a partner.

    Ok, I have much more but I am getting tired.. I will continue tomorrow.

  278. 278
    Anonymous Says:

    My current 65 year old husband, an ex domestic partner of 22 years, who was pretending to be a spiritual man, fell in love with me when I was 34 and we started living together. But after few months he showed no interest in having sex with me (I was told I was very attractive). Yet, each time I wanted to leave him for lack of intimacy, he would start crying and telling me that he loved me and couldn’t live without me. Ten years ago, he started a relationship with a 25 year old married woman whom he met in his temp job. (She is 30 years younger than him.)

    According to my husband, it started as friendship during lunchtime and then gradually lead into an intense romantic affair in a wilderness park near their offices. Once I asked him if he was seeing someone (intuition) but he denied it and I felt bad for even asking this silly question.

    Their intense meetings continued for 4 years, 24/7! I have seen all of his sex texts, emails, exchanging songs, etc…and taking days off, dodging from his company very frequently. During the past 10 years he has been living a secret life with many email addresses, two phones, a secret bank account and side projects from which he would keep the money for himself, and all together excluded me financially, emotionally, sexually and socially.

    Finally two years ago, the day they brought me back from the hospital (I had an internal bleeding for no reason) he confessed that he was in love with a woman. (He lied about her age, and many other thing.) I told him to text the woman and let her know that I existed in his life. She dumped him right on the spot for being deceitful and not honest about his personal life. He had pretended that he was a single man, looking after a needy woman he found in the street, whom God had appointed him to take care of in his home.

    For the past two years, I was in hell, being emotionally tortured and slaughtered. I suffered bad insomnia, trauma, started smoking after having quit 15 years before, pain on my chest, and depression and crying day and night for not even being able to leave him as there is no money to allow me to do that. I have no family around and no support system and am very isolated. I’m totally devastated.

    For months and months after being dumped, up to few months ago, my husband was sending this woman all kinds of spiritual love poems, love letters about the pain of separation, texting her, and expressing his intense feelings for her, while promising me he made a mistake and would mend and amend our relationship.

    Even now, after two years of the disclosure, we are still under one ceiling for our bad bad financial situation as he had no ambition and no desires to make more than his small salary and I put up with it assuming he is very spiritual and not into material gain.

    Since the disclosure two years ago, his passive-aggressive attitude, gas-lighting, lying all the time, backbiting and hypocrisy, frequent emails of begging his mistress to come back, fabricating stories about me and justifying himself to his family… and much more… have been driving me insane.

  279. 279
    Anonymous Says:

    #278

    what are you waiting for? You need to leave and start another life or are you waiting for him to finally convince his ex to take him back?

    It sucks, but show some pride and kick the bum to the curb; what else is your choice except for living like you do now for the rest of the time you spend with him. Unless, you’re addicted to the roller coaster or you’re too scared to make a move. It’s your choice, it’s all about choices; he makes his, you make yours. Be brave and understand in the long run you will be better off; it’s just hard to see that now.

    Good luck

  280. 280
    Anonymous Says:

    the pain ends… u wont believe it now but trust that- you will get through all of this

  281. 281
    Anonymous Says:

    No one TAKES another woman’s husband. He CHOOSES her, and usually pursues her relentlessly until she believes foolishly that he really loves her, that the wife was a mistake (which it probably was because if you really love someone you don’t cheat EVER). The only one guilty is the married one who doesn’t first leave their spouse before starting another relationship, and that’s because they don’t have the guts. They don’t want to lose the income, the security, fear what people will say, there may be issues with kids, but usually both women are the victims, and usually one male is the perpetrator trying to have his cake and eat it too.

  282. 282
    Anonymous Says:

    I loved my husband and he loved me. We were together for many years. We started arguing a lot when the OW came to work for him. I think he tried to keep the marriage going but was still having an affair with this pond scum, who was also married and saw my husband as a better catch than her own. How can one work on a relationship when there is a 3rd person involved?. Once he felt attached enough to her, she gave him an ultimatum. Both of them left their spouses and moved in together. Their actions took everything from me…our dog and my life… I never felt such excruciating pain. Even after 4 years later, I can’t move on and I’m still in a lot of pain. Some of you could laugh but my husband was all I had and had moved across the country for a chance at happiness with him. I’ve not been able to date anyone since and I’m terrified of being in a relationship. Husband was so good at hiding the affair and I don’t trust my judgment anymore. I’m told that I’m a beautiful woman and no one can understand why I”m still alone. But after an affair a woman feels discarded, shamed and humiliated. You all can argue against or for an affair but it’s simple: DON”T HURT ANOTHER PERSON. There are no excuses for an affair…I don’t care what they are. The golden rule: “Don’t do to another what you wouldn’t like to be done to you”. You can’t expect to destroy other human being’s life who trusted you, and have a good relationship with your affair person. It started with lies and will end with lies. Destruction is all an affairs brings.

  283. 283
    Anonymous Says:

    I’m 7 months into my separation from my husband; had been with him 19 years. We have two beautiful daughters together. Two years ago he asked me to marry him and I said I do. He changed jobs last year and came to me one evening and talked about working abroad on a job. I said if that’s what you want to do (I trusted him obviously after being together for 18yrs). Everything was great. I reduced my hours at work,and started spending half of the time at work and half running around with the daughters, but things started changing around Feb/March this year. He would become snappy at me, drunk on his weekend home, phone calls in the evenings… I knew deep down there was something wrong but never ever thought in a million years he would cheat on me. Then my gut told me to pick up his phone (let me tell you when your gut instinct tells you something is not right it’s usually right). I never forget that morning… But my dignity stepped in. I didn’t go berserk, mad, shout or scream. I remained calm. I didn’t beg either. I just kept on thinking of my two daughters and how and in what ways is this going to effect them? In his confession he told me she had breast cancer and was diagnosed back in February, which was when he was with her (a friend said to me god karma wasn’t long in getting her). He also said he was a very happy man and we were the perfect happy couple. Then why did he pursue it? He also informed me that he pursued her and on that night a spark went off, spark me fucking ass, he said we will be fine and I wouldn’t suffer any consequences. God, little does he know what he has done to our daughters age 15 and 12 they are both heartbroken still to this day while he lives with the OW with not a care in this world. He thinks ringing them every evening for a few mins makes it all o.k (what I have noticed is their respect for him is fading and they don’t have much to say to him like when the four of us used to be in conversation) The eldest daughter idiolized him but not now. She sent him a message asking him to explain and answer some questions and all he replied was “I’m sorry you feel this way.” God, he is so blind. Sure I hope he is happy as that what I told him to go and do. And I hope the ow is too because they don’t realize what they have done (they kicked the heart out of three human beings and pissed on it for their own selfishness). Guilt is an awful feeling. nobody should inflict pain or hurt on to anyone like that. or a father is not to break any children’s heart for his own selfishness, I believe time is a great healer and everything happens for a reason and their is better times ahead for my girls and myself but at the moment we are just in the healing process, I also believe life will get better for us while he swallows up his guilt. Even if he was logical about everything he has not thought of the consequences..
    My daughter said to me the other day that karma is a bitch and they will both suffer for what they have done to us.
    I’ll just add one more thing; his first wife did it to him 21 years ago, so he knows all about pain hurt etc.

  284. 284
    Anonymous Says:

    My husband of 36 years has been having an affair the past 6-7 months. He is living out of state working on a contract, and so is this woman. They live in housing given to them by their contract, and it’s a duplex, so they live side by side. My husband and I are both 60. She is 48, twice divorced. In fact, she was still married when they began the affair, though she says the marriage was bad and she wanted out, and that is one reason she took the contract job away from her home.

    For awhile, my husband wanted to have a relationship with us both. We spent a fair amount of time together this summer, and while there were good times between us, there was a lot of strain too. She is constantly texting him, even when he told her that he wanted to try to work on our marriage (though he was never 100 percent committed to working on it, which she knew, and took every opportunity to continue to be “there” for him). I know he is the main person to blame, because he didn’t shut her down completely, but she hasn’t made it easy for him. Oh, they are both PhD psychologists.

    We had marriage issues before he left for this job, though neither of us realized how deep they were. He felt lonely and cut off, and I felt unappreciated and had closed myself off. We didn’t have sex very often, and with that intimacy almost gone, other intimacies followed. We are great friends, and partners.

    I have been in therapy since all this began, and have really learned a lot about myself, and how I had not nurtured our marriage relationship, as well as not nurtured myself. I am working to change that.

    He will not leave this job–we have not saved enough for retirement, and he is well paid and he likes the work. Of course, she feels the same way.

    He says that he loves me, but not romantically. It’s the old “I love you, but I’m not IN love with you…” thing. He doesn’t want me to come where he is. He asked me to come with him in the beginning, but I didn’t want to leave my job, and I carry the health insurance, and also the place where he is is very remote, and I had a sick mother who lived in another state, alone, and I worried that she would need me to come at some point, and I wouldn’t be able to if I were living in this remote area where his job is. Also, I thought the job would be temporary, I really did–maybe 6 months. He has been there now 1 1/2 years, and would like to stay another 3 years at least. I have told him that I would come there now–my mother died in August (I DID need to go to her at the end, as she was sick and dying) and I am willing to leave my current job to be there with him. But he does not want me there now. Somehow I will spoil things there for him, and of course, his relationship with his affair partner will have to be changed.

    I feel this affair has been almost part of a mid-life crisis, even though, at 60, maybe it’s a little past mid-life…and she has her own issues too. He seems like he has been willing to give her a pass when she lies to him and tries to manipulate him. She seems very frantic in a way, and she always seems to be a damsel in distress, that he has to rescue, sometimes from herself. I don’t think he will want to do this forever–he isn’t that kind of guy.

    So, I struggle with what to do.

    We have talked about divorce, as he says he doesn’t want to keep hurting me, BUT he really doesn’t want to dismantle our marriage, everything we have built together, the family we have (kids are grown). He would like time, but he can’t say how much. He feels he is changing, not so much from the affair, but from his experiences in this remote place, which have given him time to contemplate himself, his needs, what he wants for the rest of his life. He says there is a good chance that he won’t end up with either of us–that we both might dump him.

    I don’t want to divorce. I feel like this is not a long term relationship for him, although maybe I’m delusional, and this is just wishful thinking. I have this strong feeling that we will end up together, even if we divorce–again, maybe I am delusional, and this is more wishful thinking.

    Once I started becoming more open myself, I found that I had so much love for him–more than I knew. I know there are things that I need to do in our relationship–if it continues–in order to nurture it and help it be strong, loving, fulfilling. But he has this very strong pull toward this other woman, although in our text conversation yesterday he said it was still strong but not as strong as it used to be, and that he is calling her out when she is bullshitting him and trying to manipulate him, where he used to just give her a pass. He says this will either make their relationship stronger, or it will end it.

    He has always said he will not ask me to wait–that he knows I may have to leave before he has it all figured out. He says he isn’t trying to get me to be the one to pull the plug–it’s just that he wants to take the time to really figure it out, and make the best decision for him, for where he is right now. So, I’m stuck trying to figure out what I need to do.

    On the one hand, I would like to wait it out, because I really believe this relationship is not a long term one. But it could be another 1-2 years before he figures that out, and, although I am a “young” 60 years old, I am still 60 years old, and there isn’t that much life left. And of course, I don’t know her. We have talked twice on the phone earlier in this thing. She is engaging and intelligent–I mean, I can’t blame her for loving him, but she does overstep boundaries–including sleeping with a married man, no matter how unhappy he said he was. “I didn’t think of him as married,” she told me. Convenient, right? Another time she was crying on the phone, thinking she wasn’t going to be in the relationship with him much longer (this was when he said he was going to try to work on our marriage), and she was crying on the phone–to me–saying “I would miss him SO MUCH!” I mean, really? She is saying that to me? Boundary issues, like I said. And boundary issues would ordinarily REALLY bother my husband, but he has been so smitten with her, that he gave her a pass. Also, she went from her first marriage, right to a relationship with her second husband (he was the one who emailed me about their affair). They, too, were working together, and she was confiding in him about her bad marriage. Once she was divorced, they dated 6 months, and got married. So, she went from one man to the next. She wasn’t divorced when she started the relationship with my husband–again, finding the next man, then divorcing the current one. Even now, she is texting some other guy, who she says she isn’t attracted to, she doesn’t know why she is doing it–but I have to think she is kind of getting another guy in the wings, because my husband still is not divorced from me, and he is having trouble getting to that point where is really ready to completely take apart our marriage.

    Anyway, he wants time–he says to figure himself out, but he also decided a few months ago he needed to choose a path, rather than trying to be both a husband and a boyfriend, so he chose the path with her. We communicate some, but not as much as before, and there is not much endearment to me on his part.

    Part of me knows that he wants to see if this relationship with her is viable, so I’m basically on the back burner. He did come home for Thanksgiving, and there were parts of that which were good, and parts that were weird. She was texting him constantly. And of course, though he tried to hide it, he was texting her back.

    Part of me says to kick him to the curb, take my share from the marriage and move on. But damn, I still love him, and still feel that, if he can extricate himself from her, that we would have a great future together–in part, because of the pain and growth we have both had as a result of this experience.

    And part of me wants to hold on, but then I worry–how long can I hold on for? Am I degrading myself by holding on? Is divorce inevitable, and, if so, should I just go ahead and start it so I can get through it sooner? It’s extra hard because we don’t live together–he is far away, and right next door, they work together, etc. He sees her ALL the time. And me not much. It’s a terrible situation. He feels badly too, but he is very analytical and wants to be sure he is making the right decision, plus he finds her so much more desirable than me, even though most people tell me I look really good for my age–I’m in good shape and no chronic disease, etc. But still, she is 48 and I am 60, though he says that isn’t it. He just has closed that part of himself off to me, since I was closed to him for awhile.

    Anyway, such a long post! But any words of wisdom are appreciated. Sometimes others see things more clearly. Thanks for reading!

  285. 285
    Anonymous Says:

    #284, your husband sounds a lot like my now ex. Just waits for things to happen around him. He’s got the proverbial cake. I’ll give you the same advice my best friend gave me when I found out about my husband’s affair – get yourself an attorney, now! I went to see my attorney within 2 weeks of him leaving, just to have someone in my corner and looking out for my best interests. We ended up staying married 3 more years (him living with the girlfriend) until I finally pursued the divorce. It took me about 9 months after I discovered the affair, and lots of therapy, to realize I needed to start looking out for myself and stop crying over him. Best decision I ever made. You may still love him but is this really how you want to live your remaining years? Get an attorney, get what’s coming to you, and move on.

  286. 286
    Anonymous Says:

    So, #285, is your ex still with his affair partner? Or do you keep in touch enough to know…

    I just feel it is a waste to divorce, if the affair is going to end anyway–although if it takes 5 years to end, then that is too long to wait…

  287. 287
    Anonymous Says:

    My belief is that there should be no hard and fast rules as to whether you stay with your partner post-affair or stick it out. It depends on your views on fidelity. If your personal belief is to never forgive an affair then the choice is easy. Divorce. If, however, you can forgive the erring partner then of course it is more complicated. If your partner is actively in an affair the level of heartache that the innocent party is able to tolerate would be variable. #284 will never be able to move on whilst her husband is in contact with the other woman…. Only she can know how long to wait for him…. It’s not black and white. I have read in the good book that Love Is Patient!

  288. 288
    Anonymous Says:

    To #284, 286 (#285 here) I do still talk to my ex occasionally but because our kids are grown, it isn’t very often. He was having the affair for about 2 yrs. before I found out in 2011. He moved out right away when I confronted him and moved in with her. We finally divorced in 2014. Everyone was shocked when it happened. We had been married almost 26 yrs. We all thought it was a mid-life crisis and would blow over. He also gave me the impression we were going to get back together, wanting to reconcile twice. The first time, he changed his mind – the second time, I changed mine (some other things came to light). As of January of this year, he is still with the OW. I’m assuming he is still is, but I’m not sure. Our daughter only lives about 2 miles from her dad but never goes to his house because he has yet to introduce the OW to anyone in his entire family, even after 7 years! (Our daughter met her by accident in January, the only way I know they are still together.) As of a year ago, the OW was still married to husband #2. I’m not sure if she still is or not. After crying more tears than I can tell you, I got into therapy, started reconnecting with old friends, and having more fun than I had had in years! I started dating again and eventually got introduced to a great guy through a mutual friend. We are now married, something I never saw happening. As I stated above, please get an attorney and definitely continue with the therapy. Best thing I ever did. I totally get your pain, but it definitely gets better. Being alone would be better than being left in limbo like your husband is doing to you. Ask yourself this: even if you get back together, are you going to be able to trust him 100%? I couldn’t stand that hanging over my head. Where there is no trust, there is no marriage. Best of luck to you.

  289. 289
    Anonymous Says:

    I agree, #287 (I’m #288). I always said if my husband ever cheated on me, I’d boot him out the door. Then it really did happen to me and I wanted nothing more than to make our marriage work. We had been h.s. sweethearts and I truly loved him. But then I couldn’t get him to go to counseling with me. He’d say he would go, then would back out. I told him that even if we still ended up divorcing, we could say we gave it a valiant effort. That wasn’t important enough for him. I was then diagnosed with breast cancer and I still wasn’t important enough in his life. He temporarily moved back home but was still seeing her. He claimed he finally went to see a therapist who told him he had made his choice, he had to stick to it, and he wasn’t sure which one of us he could hurt. I realized then I wasn’t important enough to fight for. It took a while, but I finally moved on and am so glad I did. Life is too short to live with such heartache and negativity. But each case is different. If #286 feels her marriage is worth saving and that her husband will come back to her, I wish her well.

  290. 290
    Anonymous Says:

    So to the people badgering the cheating scenario… what if a person was in a situation that was not very good? I was married for 8 years when I met my husband who I am married to now! My first husband was very mean I was young and stupid and he was abusive! It took me meeting a good man for me to realize what a good person was like! My first husband did horrible things to me! Had I not met my second husband when I did there is no telling what would have happen to me in that relationship! So to the people bashing the leaving husbands for someone else!!! I’ve been married to my husband now almost 11 years not every situation is a homewrecker or a slut, or horrible people so think before you judge!

  291. 291
    Anonymous Says:

    I’m sorry #290 (#284 here), but having been the person who has been cheated on, I think cheating is never ok. If you are unhappy with the relationship, get out of it or fix it. Don’t cheat first and then decide you’re in too deep and need to jettison the original relationship. It’s a very selfish way to operate–the cheater is basically saying, “this person looks like a good fit, and I’m attracted to her/him. I think I will try her/him out first, and then see. If it doesn’t work out, I’ll just stay with my current person.” The current person gets the shaft. If they are a bad person to be in a relationship with, then get out of it.

    Going forward, I will NEVER put myself into a relationship with someone who is committed, in some way, to another person. If they are married, and say how unhappy the marriage is, then they need to get out of it before I will work on any type of relationship with them, I don’t care how much attraction and connection there is. It causes too much pain for the other person. I have been dealing with this pain since April, and I would not wish it on anyone else, no matter how bad they are in a relationship.

    My husband continues his relationship with the OW…I believe they are practically living together. He doesn’t have much contact with me. If we talk once a week that’s pretty good. We do text a little–not that much, but he will usually text back as long as I keep it light. He says he is coming home for Christmas, but I told him that once our kids occupy the other bedrooms, that he has to stay in a hotel–unless he makes the decision to commit again to our marriage and to me. But that seems doubtful at this time.

    I’m working on myself, and spending some of his money (OUR money, since we are still married) to get things I need before we come to the inevitable conclusion that he wants out of the marriage.

    The thing that really makes it hard for me is that I feel it is such a waste. I just don’t see how this other relationship he has is going to last long term. Maybe I’m wrong, or delusional, thinking that I am the better choice for him. But I can’t wait around for years before he figures this out. And his OW is a person who needs the security of a man, and he has met this need for her. She is never without a man–making sure to have a man waiting before she dumps her current relationship/marriage. I guess this could be the one time she gets it right, but the odds are so bad for this. I just wish he could see, but he is blinded by his attraction for and connection with her. It is so puzzling because he is usually a very rational, thinking, analytical person. And this relationship has changed him into a different person.

    And our children, both girls, both grown, have absolutely NO desire to meet or accept this OW. They see her as hurting me, and sharing the actions which are leading to the break up of our marriage. He is going to have a much more difficult time having a relationship with them in the future, if he maintains this relationship with her. I just don’t understand how she can be worth all this. But maybe she is so wonderful for him that he can’t let go.

    But it almost seems like an obsession! How do you distinguish between an obsession and new love?

    He was home over Thanksgiving, and she texted him (constantly!!!) and also called him and told him they needed to be friends, not lovers, until they figure things out. And probably, until he leaves me for good. But, once he got back to his remote outpost, she admitted that she was upset because she thought he was having sex with me while he was home. Of course, he wasn’t–he isn’t IN love with me at the moment, so isn’t about to have sex with me. So, once he assured her that all was well in that department, then she gave the sex back. She’s 48 years old!!! Isn’t this a childish, unhealthy way to conduct a relationship?

    Anyway, #290, I can’t agree with you, even if you were in a bad relationship. You needed to get out of it first. I’m glad you found happiness, but no matter how bad things were with your other person, that person had to hurt extra because of how things began with your new, better relationship, and that just isn’t right.

    Thanks you guys for responding to me…you can see I am still processing all this, even though I am quite sure what the outcome will be in the end.

  292. 292
    Anonymous Says:

    If a couple who is in an affair marriage has children soon after they married, does that increase their chances of lasting?

  293. 293
    Anonymous Says:

    To 292, I would think having children would make the relationship worse.

  294. 294
    Anonymous Says:

    Thank you 293.

    The couple I know didn’t have any children involved in their situation.

    Within two years of the first marriages breaking up, they were married with a child.

    They are one of those over the top happy couples on social media. I know they have lost A LOT of friends and I know how hurt the betrayed spouse was.

    I hope the best for the child’s sake, but it doesn’t seem fair that their lives seem so perfect after all the hurt they have caused. It’s like they haven’t learned a single lesson and would do it all over again.

    But I know things are NEVER as they truly appear.

  295. 295
    Anonymous Says:

    My best friend and my wife of three years cheated on me and now that so called BF is divorcing his wife and she is divorcing me. When I found out I confronted my wife and pushed her to the bed. Plus I had just had invested in her business and I was trying to manage my finances but she took a protective order and I know they will be married soon. My so-called best friend lied to me so many times and the excuse was that he was just talking to her as to train her in the business. The wife of my friend keeps calling me and cries and blames me for not seeing the signs.
    Anyways I apologized to her/wife millions of times but I think that friend will get his karma. I know he is not a nice guy and I wonder why was I friends with him since high school. I am 51 years now heading to a divorce.

  296. 296
    Anonymous Says:

    have seen some marriages that start as affairs work out very well. I have a brother-in-law that fell in love with his second wife while being married and it has been 23 years. They are very happy together. I also have a coworker who met her second husband (they were neighbors) while they were both married to other people. They have been married 28 yeaes.

  297. 297
    Anonymous Says:

    Continued…
    I also have a nephew through marriage that had his wife leave him for her affair partner after 16 years of marriage. She married her AP and it has been over ten years. They seem content. He met someone a couple years later and he now has kids and stays committed to his significant other.

  298. 298
    Anonymous Says:

    Once you get past all the drama and karmic circle of the affair situation,from all of the relationships I have seen that start as affairs, usually work out over time. Sometimes God uses an affair as a way to tell a couple that it is time to move on because for whatever reason, the current marriage is not where you are meant to be. ‘

  299. 299
    Anonymous Says:

    Yes

  300. 300
    Anonymous Says:

    Anonymous.

    Being blindsided after 25 years and 8 kids and being a good husband, never going out, working, no violence, no drinking, spoiling her and completely faithful, even though attractive, was a complete shock.
    It is the most painful thing.you wonder how anyone can hurt so much and still be alive. I remember driving to and from work crying all the way. Walking to the gym at 5.30 am as I can’t sleep, thinking if God was merciful he would take me now.

    To have your wife lie to you then when caught claim your whole marriage was a sham and a loveless marriage.

    There is no excuse to destroy your spouse. But I am a husband and I honor my marriage, after that many years I gave her a final chance.

  301. 301
    Anonymous Says:

    TO #298:

    You say: “God uses an affair as a way to tell a couple that it is time to move on because for whatever reason, the current marriage is not where you are meant to be.”

    Are you mental? Where in the bible does it say that God okay’s an affair? No it’s about the choice of the person, that’s why God gave us the ability to make choices, it’s called “FREE WILL”. God doesn’t condone affairs/cheating. Hello! 10 commandments, you should look it up before trying to convince people it’s “God’s will”. (Thou shalt not commit adultery).

  302. 302
    Anonymous Says:

    #284… what happened? Did you divorce or move there or what? I read your post and I can’t help but wonder what happened to you..

  303. 303
    Anonymous Says:

    Please listen to this song if you’ve been betrayed:

    Kellie Pickler song, ‘Best Days of Your Life?’

  304. 304
    Anonymous Says:

    I had an affair with a married man. He was married for 24 years. I was married for 4 and had been with him for 13. We got divorced and then married. Did we hurt people… yes, was it worth it… yes! Hurting someone is not the worst thing in the world. We were terribly unhappy in our marriages. They both got over it and moved on and seem to be quite happy. It didn’t destroy their lives but altered it from where they thought it was going and who with.

    I don’t justify having an affair. We both wish we had left our spouses first. It would have saved a lot of hurt for everyone. We are the ones who have to live with what we did. We are both self-absorbed people who are much happier together then we ever were before. Our marriage is quite wonderful. If you hate me already then wait for it…… He is black and I am white. His ex is black and mine is white. It is a doggy dog world and some will go the distance for their happiness and some will stay in an unhappy marriage because of their word to the person. I choose happiness for my future and so did he. We both would have divorced without having an affair, but when we met that had not happened yet and we made a conscious decision to not wait. That’s not immature but it is selfish. Fact is we are selfish, I think most people are, especially when it comes to their needs, wants, desires, and happiness. I don’t suggest anyone have an affair but don’t act self-righteous just because this particular sin is not one you will ever commit and throw stones. You are not perfect and I am pretty sure you are not without hurting another person in some way or another.

  305. 305
    Anonymous Says:

    #304

    Yeah, of course justify your affair, how else would you do it. Throwing stones? I think you’re the first one who threw it since you’re the cheater. No one is saying they’re self righteous but cheating is just a real low disgusting act that hurts everyone especially the children. Who cares what color you are and try all you want to justify your crappy behavior. Have a nice day

  306. 306
    Anonymous Says:

    I like how #304 justifies what she and the other cheater did:

    “They both got over it and moved on and seem to be quite happy. It didn’t destroy their lives but altered it from where they thought it was going and who with.”

    Really? How magnanimous of you! I’m sure you will feel exactly the same way if and when your husband cheats on you. You are correct – you are self-absorbed.

Leave a Reply

© 2017 About Affairs | Entries (RSS) and Comments (RSS) | Phone: (415) 751-6515 - (925) 948-0562
Susan Berger is a Marriage and Family Therapist in San Francisco, CA and Walnut Creek, CA (lic. # MFC21193) | 121 Clement St, San Francisco, CA 94118 | 1415 Oakland Blvd, Ste. 100, Walnut Creek, CA 94596
photography by Bethanie Hines