Who Should I Tell About the Affair?
Whether you are the other person, the discoverer, or the discovered, virtually all of your relationships have been altered by the affair.
Especially at first, the impulse to keep the affair a secret is usually very strong. Certainly, the person having the affair doesn’t want anyone to know, and the secrecy can even add excitement to the affair relationship. However, if you are feeling conflicted about the affair, it may be painful to have no one to talk to about it.
Once discovered, you and your partner may regard the affair as a shameful secret that must be kept at all costs. Some couples do not disclose the affair to anyone, including extended family. Cultural values play an important role in these decisions. Extended family is more likely to be told in cultures where affairs are more commonplace. Class also plays a similar role. For some, keeping up appearances can feel more important than anything else. And often an affair happens to the “ideal couple” in everyone else’s eyes.
It can be extremely anxiety provoking to imagine the shock, disappointment, criticism, and even rejection that might follow disclosure. You also might be afraid of pressure to make decisions quickly that you don’t feel ready to make. Although enraged and deeply hurt, some discoverers feel they must protect their partner’s reputation. However, you also may be surprised to find that after the initial shock, friends and family are more supportive than you would have imagined.
It is important for you and your partner to evaluate the pros and cons of sharing what has happened with each important person in your lives, weighing the possible benefits and risks. Something to consider is that in general, the more secret something is kept, the more shameful it becomes.
Peggy Vaughn’s survey contained the following question: Was it helpful to talk to friends/family/others? The responses were: 12% – Didn’t talk or not useful. 50% – Helped some, but not as much as I’d like. 38% – Extremely helpful. No one volunteered that it made things worse.
I really think that if you are involved in an affair, you should tell your spouse. Just suck it up and tell. Your spouse, more than likely, suspects something anyway. I repeatedly asked my husband if he was involved in an affair. He lied to me, told me I was crazy, tortured me mentally and emotionally, to the point that I really thought I was insane and in need of professional intervention. I did my own research at that point and found out that I wasn’t crazy or imagining things. If he had only disclosed his affair to me, he would have saved us both a lot of heartache. I felt so devalued as a human being. For the OW, it was like a competition. She really enjoyed seeing me tortured. It was a game for her. Bottom line here is that you owe it to your spouse to at least be honest about your deception. The pain of betrayal was only magnified by all of the deception and lies. At this point in time, we are over because I will never be able to trust him or anything he says again. Maybe you are afraid of hurting your spouse by disclosing the affair. Well, you already have…the worst has been done. Your spouse needs to be validated.
April 7th, 2011 at 3:48 amI totally agree! I felt the exact same thing for years about an affair my wife had over a decade ago. Years ago, before children, she came home one night after being with her little boyfriend. Of course I was furious, but she swore they just went to the movies, had some drinks in his car, and passed out. She swore they never had intercourse. Since I had no proof, I just accepted what she said and kind of moved on the best I could. However, I remained “haunted” over the years by suspiciouns of what I thought she was keeping from me. There never was any closure and/or healing per se, just growing resentment and uncertainty. At various times over the years, especially after seeing movies that reminded me of cheating, or before I would go on business trips, I would ask her about the affair situation and was told I was “crazy, and needed help” for not letting go and just allowing things to be good. She even had the nerve to blame me over the years for most of our problems and conflicts in the marriage, all while knowing she had this dark secret over me. I believe you dupe your partner and disrespect them even worse by not coming clean with them. I believe if there is any chance of healing after an affair, the truths and details need to be admitted. I, like you, can never trust my spouse again, ever. There are so many second and third order effects of an affair which are compounded and made even worse with additional lying and denial. Our marriage ended up failing for additional reasons, but now I at least know why I was disrespected by her so much for the majority of our marriage…in the back of her mind, she knew me as one that she made a fool of. Ms. Berger, do you feel the spouse who cheats owes the other spouse the truth and details of an affair, especially if the other spouse keeps asking for the details?
July 20th, 2011 at 6:26 pmMy husbands ow thought it was all funny trying to destroy my marriage too. What’s wrong with these girls? Why would men want to be with someone who hates and distespects your wife and mother of your children? If they are annoyed that a wife exists, stop screwing unavailable married men. Strange…
August 7th, 2011 at 4:25 pm