About Affairs

02 Sep

Children of Affairs

Some time ago I received a call from the Dr. Phil Show wanting to know if had any information about children of affairs. I did some research and was shocked to find…nothing!   I have to say I am completely amazed at the silence the helping professions have maintained on this issue.

So, I’m not sure where they found this statistic, but the show that they eventually did opens with the claim that 3% of children born in the U.S. are the result of an affair.

The guest on their show was a woman who had found out during her childhood that the man she had thought was her father was not, and that her mother and many other relatives had been lying to her her whole life.  Her mother, and her biological father’s family hated her for what she reminded them of.   As a result, she grew up hating herself and not believing she belonged anywhere, or deserved anything, such as love, happiness or even the right to be alive.  She feels unable to love, and has not had any successful adult relationships.

She feels that her mother and stepfather should never have told her the truth, that by doing so they ruined her life.  I wonder if not telling her would have been much better.

The adult children of affairs that I have seen in my practice have similar struggles.  They experience great difficulty forming secure, deep and long lasting bonds with others, and struggle with addictions and self hatred.  There is usually a sense of not being able to completely relax, a feeling that something isn’t quite right.  They can be perceived as cold, or uncaring, but remaining emotionally unavailable is a way they have learned to protect themselves from further betrayal.

If you are a child of an affair, please share your story.  Your voices deserve to be heard.

31 Responses to “Children of Affairs”

  1. 1
    Anonymous Says:

    When I found out that my father had an affair I was devastated. My brother and I were only in grade school but it impacted our lives greatly. I wasn’t able to trust another person after that. I did not want anyone to know that I was hurt. Not even my own mother. I actually never even told any of my friends that my parents were separated. I had friends but did not tell them anything about my personal life. When my family ever asked me if I was sad about anything I denied everything. I never was able to share what I felt because I thought “My dad lied to us that means anyone can” Years later I began to trust a few people but none of those people were my parents. I have resentment towards my father and I feel like I can’t trust my mother. At the time I also did very poorly in school I was constantly distracted from my parent’s arguments everyday. Sometimes I feel like that knowing that my father had an affair ruined my life. Just thinking of my dad with another woman when I was a child made me so sad.

  2. 2
    Anonymous Says:

    So sorry you went through that.

    There are good people still in the world. Maybe talk to someone and talk to your family if you can. Sometimes talking can help. Definitely talk to dad…make him know how he impacted your life. Don’t let him off the hook. He has to know that he caused damage on his children.

    Good luck to you.

  3. 3
    Anonymous Says:

    I know that my mother had an affair that my father knows about. They are going to marriage counseling and are trying to better their relationship with each other. They have not, however, paid any mind to how the situation has affected my brother and I. I am utterly devastated. I have always looked up to my mother and she has disappointed me in an explainable way. Emotionally, I am struggling but on the outside I try to act as if nothing is wrong.

  4. 4
    Anonymous Says:

    My father had his affairs since Who-knows-when, I think before I was born. Me and my mom with my siblings always ran away from my dad. I an innocent child and went with my mom. He always come home drunk, to the point that he abused her physically and mentally. I really loved my father. He always cared for us but when I was in grade 7 , he accused my mom of dating another guy. My dad was very angry and became hysterical and that caused a major fight. They separated. After a year of not seeing my father I found out that he was living with another woman. Since that day I hated all men. I admit I’m pretty smart and gorgeous: I used that to play with all the guys who wanted to date me. I date them and break their hearts. But again an unexpected thing happened in my early life. My mom had an affair with my uncle, the husband of my father’s sister. It’s been a year since I found out. I became disrespectful with toward Mother. I always keep in mind that she’s a whore. I always think that my life is miserable. I lost the confidence to socialize with other people. I have less self-esteem . I lost the peace of mind and negative thoughts covered my mind. I became moody and ho-tempered . I use to be a responsible and disciplined child. Until now I still experience this not-so-cool things. What should I do?

  5. 5
    Anonymous Says:

    Yes my husband Mike had an affair with a married woman, she had a daughter Catarina and when she was three. My husband Mike and this person Maria had a child while they were going out together. She says it’s his (Mike’s)(I still don’t understand how when she also had a husband). But I wasn’t married at the time but it still hurts. It hurts because he denies that it’s he’s but his whole family knows and believes it’s his (that’s what he told them) but for me he says it’s not true that it’s not his, he says that I know the truth because no one else knows that she is married. This was over 40 years ago and he still remembers the year that he was born and the month which was 1973 and in February. This also bothers me because he doesn’t remember our son’s year of birth. She got pregnant when she went forgot to take the pill and she called him to tell him that she had the baby, and that she was going to call him Ronaldo after her ex-boss. He saw him after two weeks, and three months after that. I feel so hurt not knowing what the heck he’s telling me don’t know the truth about anything anymore. He is a liar.

  6. 6
    Anonymous Says:

    This is exactly why I am worried. My 8 week old daughter is part of that 3%. I’m hoping she doesn’t feel “out of place”. She is very much loved by my husband and myself even though she strongly resembles the man I had an affair with…we are currently waiting to establish paternity.

    The other man and his wife have expressed no desire to be a part of her life. They live within walking distance of my house. Our kids attend the same school, and we have many mutual friends. His wife has asked him to sacrifice his relationship with my daughter for the sake of their family.

    I won’t continue a lie as she gets older. She will know who her bio father is, and can ask him why he chose not to be a part of her life when she is an adult.

    I would love to hear stories from children of affairs (I have read some). I would just like to know how to approach this as she gets older. Obviously, I will disclose this information at a proper age with the assistance of a therapist.

  7. 7
    Anonymous Says:

    For many years I have known that my son had a child with a girl he had an affair with. She was closely associated with our family, so it was easy for me to follow his life as he grew up. Other family members knew of this child, who is now married with children. I stayed out of his life so as not to cause any harm to him and his family relationships. A few years ago he contacted me and told me he knew I was his grandmother, and asked me to find out if his bio father would talk to him. He wanted nothing but to talk and be accepted. I tried and was met with denial and refusal from my son. My son has another child that he did not want to know that he had a child by another woman. His wife was aware of the child. Should the Legitimate adult child be told he has a brother?

  8. 8
    Anonymous Says:

    I was born from an affair. I’ll be 50 years old in a few months. Even at my age, I sometimes feel I shouldn’t have been born, or I should have died and someone more worthy or pure should have lived. Bad things always seem to happen to me; and I see others around me who sin willfully, and yet seem to prosper. Sometimes I feel cursed, though I know it’s not possible to be cursed. Sometimes I feel that I’m paying for the sins of my parents, though rationally I know that I’m not. I don’t think I love myself; and it’s hard to trust others.

  9. 9
    Anonymous Says:

    I read this article and had a sigh of relief and sadness. I too, am a child born of an affair, living a life of silence about who I am, never really connecting with my father’s side of the family, yet being completely like them. I recently had a relative in my deceased father’s family get in contact with me. He told me all about the family, their personalities, how they lived, ambitious lives and heritage. I finally got a chance to understand my nature. My father and I live the same things and as an adult we live similarly in two different parts of world. Funny how that happens. I met his other children, my sisters, and one told me, “I wish you were never born.” Not often you hear those type of words of such hate. It still hurts. I do suffer from extreme detachment from others. Never getting too close. Unable to completely relax in a relationships or friendship. Being alone is much more comfortable. Safe. However, I am started to pass this on to my children and it’s not fair because my life is restricted and anxiety driven in some ways. Unconsciously always needing to be close to someone but yet far away. Why? Because my life has been about someone’s secret.

  10. 10
    Anonymous Says:

    I am a 52 year old child born because my mother had an affair with her married boss. This went on for a number of years, as my mother had a second child with my bio father who she placed for adoption. All of this I have come to terms with after finding my sister and having a terrific relationship with her and her family. What I can’t come to terms with is when I asked my mother she said what does it have to do with you, it’s of no concern of yours. To this I object. To me a birth child has rights to know where he /she came from and who their birth parent is and if they have siblings, All I will say is the child is innocent no matter what their age and they should be entitled to all the facts. If you can’t talk to them face to face then a good old hand written letter doesn’t cost a lot but may help greatly

  11. 11
    Anonymous Says:

    I, too, am a result of an affair. I have been living with this knowledge for a year now, but my whole life I have always wondered and felt like I didn’t wholly belong. I had no reason for that feeling, but I knew something was off. I feel lied to, chained… Chained to someone else’s secret. I feel like I have to keep lying, hiding in this “SIN” and I am not even the one who committed it. I feel guilty as if I did though. Dirty, home wrecker, slim. I struggle to understand why God would allow my existence to come to be through such a disgusting way. My advice to mothers and fathers of children resulting from affairs is this: don’t lie to them, thats the least they deserve. Admit to them your wrong doing, that it is not theirs to carry. They did NOTHING wrong, you, the parent did. Your bad decisions shouldn’t affect them, but they do… down to the very essence of their being. Spend the rest of your life trying to fix that. It pisses me off that parents don’t think past themselves and their own evil desires to care for the innocent lives around them… or the lives that could be created from their lustful desires.

  12. 12
    Anonymous Says:

    About 8 or so years ago my daughter found out her husband had been having affairs, one with a woman he brought into their home. They had two children, (now 13 and 17).

    After they divorced he was dating and moved in with another. They had a child together. That child is now 7. The former son-in-law continued to have affairs and got kicked out. Another woman, divorced with two young children, got pregnant. They moved in together for about the past 3 years. She just found out he had pictures on his phone with other women!

    Now my concern is how do we as a whole family help our grandchildren, I’m just sure the 13 year old grandson is probably devastated, he looks up to his father so much, and unfortunately overheard me and his aunts bad-mouthing his father shortly after we found out how he had been lying to my daughter.

    Any ideas?

  13. 13
    Anonymous Says:

    I was googling about other people born from an affair like I was. I’m actually kind of relieved to come across this page knowing there are other people like me. I’m 17 years old, and I never really got to see my father growing up due to him being imprisoned since the time I was a young child (he gets out a few days after my 18 birthday, a present from life I guess). I was conceived due to my mom sleeping with her cousin’s husband. I often times feel like a huge mistake towards myself, and unloved by my mother. It was hard for me growing up seeing people with their dads, this doesn’t affect me much anymore, however. I feel like my life is often just a waste and I was never meant to be born, just an accident from a non-meaningful romance. I hope that one day my feelings of self-loathing will be gone.

  14. 14
    Anonymous Says:

    I’m so glad i cam across this. I am 21 years old and my Mum had an affair with my dad who was married. We don’t talk about him, I just remember when I was younger and she accidentally said I was a mistake. No lie, those were her exact words and we were not in an argument. Then she said my dad was a bad man and that he had other kids and that was the end of it. My mum later told me that he had passed away and I was crushed because I had always wanted to reach out to him and find things out. Now I will never get to hear his explanations. I’m left wondering if he ever cared about what happened to me, if he told his wife and children about me. I’m still young, I guess I have time to think about whether I should get in contact with my dad’s family. I moved to a different country when I was 9 and have no idea how to even get in touch.
    But I really don’t want to disrespect my mum, she raised me alone and I don’t think she would like it. Plus it would be so awkward.
    I’m always sad that I don’t have a dad or a father figure in my life but what can I do?

  15. 15
    Anonymous Says:

    Thank you for this article. I am a 38 year old mom and wife and still find myself struggling with my anger, self worth and fight every day to stay present to my loved ones. I think I have had an unusual twist in my life. My father wants to be in my life and I want to be in his. I have an amazing sister and in my opinion friend for life. My father is married to a wonderful and generous woman who accepts me and my kids. I am truly blessed. Another part of me feels guilty. My Mom and I are close and I have to keep this from her because I see the anger and hurt in her when I talk of him or his wife. So, I feel guilty for wanting a relationship with him and his family. But then, I don’t want my kids to miss out and hate me later for keeping them apart. I also feel as if I will never truly be accepted by them for many reasons. One major one being that I know I have an Aunt that I have never met and has never been talked about not to mention numerous cousins. I can totally understand why and do not judge them. So, I really do not know where to go from here.

  16. 16
    Anonymous Says:

    My son is one of the 3%. His father told me he was getting divorced and they had one child. But when I got pregnant the truth came out, he is happily married with 3 children. He pays child support and we’ve done the dna test. He is the father. He wants to keep our child a secret but I want his family to know about him. If they don’t want to have a relationship with him that’s fine but it should be their choice. I don’t know what to do.

  17. 17
    Anonymous Says:

    I too, was born from an affair. I scan the internet from time to time to see if there any additions to the scant information that is available about those of us born from affairs; most of it seems to focus on the parents’ issues and ignore the child. So I’m really please to discover this thread. I’m 49 and gradually worked things out following the events that followed my mother having several other affairs, including a second one with my bio father when I was around 12. My bio father is a narcissist and has acted out his heartless sick and twisted games since I first contacted him at the age of 20 with my need to know him and understand it all, and a need to feel him supporting/holding me. He never did and then disappeared. I finally got a DNA test done 10 years ago when my step father died and my mum gave permission for his body to be swabbed for the test. I was glad I finally got the scientific truth.

    As I grew, it became quite obvious that I was quite strongly different in just about every possible way from the family I grew up in. I felt odd, a not-belonging which was not helped by my mother and step father being emotionally remote, unavailable and unsupportive. I discovered that many things about me, like my creativity, intelligence, mindset, interests, my spirituality, etc., etc. that I expressed were in common with my bio father’s family and alien to the family I grew up with. My mother was angry and fearful about me knowing the truth, especially as I told her how uncomfortable it felt for me to protect her lie, especially since I was a result of her lie and had not chosen to live under it my whole life, and particularly as I had chosen to live an honest and open life. She would be upset about me speaking about it, even when I went for therapy. She couldn’t understand or empathize with how it could possibly be a deeply painful and disturbing issue for me. In her opinion I was the problem and wouldn’t accept that I was simply the innocent child born into her bullshit.

    When I first realized with a very strongly felt deep sense that my father was the man my mother had had 2 affairs with, my world shattered, the foundations of everything I had based my reality on, my family, fragmented and disintegrated. I broke apart and broke down; so much grief poured forth from me. My life seemed to get sucked into a vortex and I was left suspended in space, with just my beating heart.

    I was then driven to find and get in touch with my bio father. I asked him if he was my father and he said that he thought he could be, and later told me that he was. My mum maintained the secret and her lies and said she wasn’t sure which one was my father. She was very angry that I found him and continued on and off communications with him. When I found and communicated with my half sisters who grew up with him, they were both furious as they had forbidden me from doing so. I was in my 30’s at this point. A few years ago, after my step fathers and maternal grandmothers death, I announced to my family the truth about my parentage. The brother and sister I grew up with immediately became estranged. My mother and I have been estranged on and off during the last 12 years. There has been some resolve, but only really to the extent of happy birthday and happy Xmas texts.

    It has been a really difficult and painful journey at times, a thorny, rocky and very lonely road to walk. I have done deep powerful therapy work around this story and my response’s to it. I have visited the depths of the rabbit hole with it and learned to navigate my way, walk with it and self parent. I have used it and found golden nuggets as a result and I feel very grateful about that. I grew strong and capable and confident in my ability to take care of my needs. Independent and free spirited, I enjoyed being unbound from my controlling, wrong-making untrustworthy mother. who would not take responsibility for what resulted from her choices. She would say “it was a long time ago, it’s in the past, let it go,” and I would try to get her to understand that in my position, as a product of it, it is constantly in my now.

    I learned a lot and it grew me, tempered me and polished me in a big way. I’ve been fortunate enough to train as a therapist, as a result of my own healing journey. My story has enabled me to hold the hands of others and deeply empathize and offer presence when they are dealing with the earth-shaking stuff in their lives. I do good work and share the gold from my wound with others so that they might also find their own gold. I feel very grateful for this opportunity to transform all the wounding from this awful story.

    It’s so heartening to read others experiences of being a child from an affair.

  18. 18
    Anonymous Says:

    to be clear, it was my parents who were furious about me contacting my sisters, not my sisters although i think it was difficult for them.

  19. 19
    Anonymous Says:

    I am the child of an affair. My father actually left his wife and kids. My mother and he had a turbulent relationship that eventually ended, although he loved her. I lived with my dad for the latter part of my childhood. My dad recently passed and now I am dealing and learning about the anger my oldest sister from his marriage has had toward me. I have not had much contact with her other than if she was at my dad’s or the weeks leading to his death. I have always offered help and so forth. I am 33 with a husband and children. My father professed his love for my mom as she visited him in the hospital and my sister was there too. This really ignited her rage. Days before his death, her mom finally visited and thought it right to tell me that my dad only left her because he wanted to raise me. I did not want to disrespect her, but I knew my dad left because he couldn’t stand her and really loved my mom. They had been in an affair 4 years before I was even born. Needless to say, my sister and her mom smiled in my face but did everything to implement revenge: speaking negatively about me to my dad’s family, making up lies, and even only mentioning me at the end of the obituary. I thought it odd but found out later from my brother and his wife how they actually felt about me. I looked up information on this wondering why she would have such deep rooted hatred for me all the years.. she is 45 yrs old and I am 33. I know my dad adored me always…. but in all my years with him, he never had a good thing to say about my sister. He was even furious with her in the days before his death. I have since learned that my sister has had a sick obsession with wanting my dad’s attention. I have severed ties with her and just plan on keeping my dad’s memory intact. She continues to torment her full blood siblings and demand they acknowledge my dad left her in charge lol.

  20. 20
    Anonymous Says:

    I found out my parents’s affair when I was way too young. My mother had an affair with my father’s brother. Yes, my uncle. You can’t even imagine how painful it was to see. As I was young they used to be intimate before my eyes and used to think I didn’t understand anything. During that time it didn’t affect me that much but now that scene is killing me inside. At the same time my father was also having an affair with someone. I saw their texts. Again I was child so that didn’t bother me that much but now it’s really painful. My mother’s affair came to an end as my uncle got married. And I wasn’t sure about my father. But with time I thought that was finished too. But some days ago at my dad’s phone I checked his messenger and saw his affairs. Yes AFFAIRS. And all of those women are our relatives. I was so shocked and couldn’t handle it. One girl is just 2-3 years older than me. I am so disturbed . I don’t know how to deal with this pain. I blocked that girl on his Facebook because that’s all I could do. But I know that won’t stop him. I’m so broken. I love a guy who also came out as cheater. Even I was sexually harrassed by my cousin, brother and uncle. LOL every man around me is a cheater. I’M 16 btw

  21. 21
    Anonymous Says:

    I just came across this thread and I have to say, my story is definitely one of the craziest. I’m also a child of an affair but I don’t think my mother knew my father was married because as I found out earlier this year, he was having an affair with another woman during that time resulting in me having a “sister” who’s barely a month older than me. We haven’t officially met but we already hate each other because I had an altercation with her mother, who I didn’t know was the maid at my paternal aunt’s place, when her mother was drunk and started insulting me and making me feel uncomfortable. Looking back, I think she just hates my guts because I get along well with my little cousins, which could have implied that I was liked and well integrated into the family. The fact that I go to the best medical school in the country, while her daughter is still chilling at home two years after finishing school upsets her I guess because she’s assuming that her good for nothing ex-boyfriend is taking care of me and paying all bills. She hates me because she thinks I got the better end of the stick with “our dad” but if only she knew… Fast forward a month I haven’t spoken to anyone from my dad’s family again. They didn’t even bother to call on my birthday despite it being the first where they actually knew about me. Instead, I found out that my dad has been financially supporting his other daughter yet six months after our first meeting he still hasn’t called or texted even once to check on me. (Did I mention that they also just met this year?) He didn’t even call to check that I’d made it back home safely after I paid for my own trip to go and see him. Student budget maybe? Talk about a screwed up arrangement. As if all that wasn’t enough, I just found out that he may have three other sons from extramarital affairs. That over and above the two sons he has with his wife and don’t forget the two extramarital daughters who hate each other with a passion. And that’s just the children that have come to light! My main problem I guess is not that my father is a lying, cheating bastard who can’t seem to keep his zip closed but that he has a second chance and yet again he’s not choosing me. When we met, he seemed happy to meet me and kept calling me “baby girl” and in retrospect, it upsets me to think of how he refused to acknowledge my existence for twenty years and somehow thought it was appropriate to spring “baby girl” on me only for him to disappear on me all over again. Did we miss the part of the story where he apologises for wanting me to be aborted upon finding out about me and spends the rest of his life trying to make it up to me? All in all, our relationship is complicated to say the least, characterised by hot and cold tendencies, which are more often. cold than hot. Quite frankly, I’m really just tired of everything that’s going on but my mother keeps insisting that I give them a chance. A chance to hurt me? Again? How can all this happen to one person in one year? Are men really incapable of loving unconditionally and just being faithful to one? Am I wrong for wanting to believe in love and that someday I will meet my prince charming and live “happily ever after”? (That’s if I’m not too messed up for him.) All I really want is to wake up from this horrid dream and be okay for once. To have an okay relationship with all the people in my life and just be happy. No love-hate relationships, no horrible half-sisters and no falling in love with unavailable men. A curse I hopefully will move past before I start dating, if he can get past the Fort-Knoxx walls I’ve built around my heart. Twenty years is certainly a long time for a messed up life. I’m ready for my happy ending.

  22. 22
    Anonymous Says:

    I am 34. I am a child of an affair. I have 3 older brothers from my mother’s first marriage and a younger sister from her second marriage, and a step-sister from her 3rd marriage. I do not know a single characteristic of my biological father, not a clue. As a child I discovered the truth very young, I can’t remember exactly the first time I learned the truth. I was tormented relentlessly by my siblings. “We are loved more then you,” “we at least knew who our dad was,” “You don’t belong,” they’d say. In the small town we lived everyone knew my story, I’m not sure how, but in kindergarten on the bus an older boy said I was a whore child, and the school staff always labeled me a problem child as well. I had many struggles with identity, self worth, feeling accepted, and knowing who I was. I was hurt and angry, alone, and different. My mother never was faithful to any man and still isn’t. She was physically and emotionally abusive to all of us, more so towards me for some reason. When I asked questions about my father, I was told “I will never tell you who he is,” “I’m going to give you up for adoption, but didn’t because you are a girl,” “You should feel fortunate, that I never told anyone and will never, so never question it” I did of course. My stepfather said “your dad didn’t want you.” I was constantly under attack for things starting very young that I never understood. Still to this day I struggle to understand myself at times. I went thru a phase where I was abusive towards people I saw as threatening and bullying towards nice people/innocent victims. I was in a lot of trouble. I sought help yet it only helped me so much. I still am like this to an extent. I still feel different and misunderstood often because I tend to be protective of innocence. I often refer to myself as the pink elephant, I see the world differently, I view my self as a whole person now but curious about myself.
    Five months ago I discovered my husband has had multiple short lived affairs over the course of our 12 yr marriage. It’s been devastating on epic levels I don’t think many can relate to with this history. I’m deeply troubled about the way it will affect not only me, him, and our marriage, but more so our 2 young sons. I know first hand the way this can affect a child’s sense of self and stability etc. I’ve been searching for how to help myself through this better. As a so-called survivor, I also still need guidance and seek it. I’ve worked so hard to create a healthy happy home, had a happy healthy marriage, I never saw this coming, I really did not. And with my life history I’m shocked that I did not. I flexed a lot of muscle in my life to learn to trust another human being and sadly that trust has been shattered. I do not want this for my children, they have been healthy and stable and I’d like it to remain this way. I want this to end here and now. To stop the legacy is my first priority; to give something at any expense to myself to my children is my first concern. I’m not worried about being a martyr. There has to come a point that the family historical cycle ends and a new cycle begins. It has to come at a price of bravery. Bravery does not mean I do not have to be afraid, but I do have faith. I have faith I have been created for something larger then just myself and my wants and desires. I’m not only comprised of cells and tissue by mistake into something that doesn’t belong here. There is a purpose to my life greater then me, once I embraced this I found freedom. I think this is why my mother to this day resists me. She fears the power I have within myself and have shown despite her desire to control me. My husband’s family cycle sadly is no better then my own, even if different. And he is now fighting his back in a way that will produce a better him. I have faith my sons will someday be strong men of compassion and character, not able to harm others or themselves. Sorry for the flooding.

  23. 23
    Anonymous Says:

    I just watched this Doctor Phil episode today, actually.
    I am the product of an affair.
    My bio dad was married and my mother was married with my sister. She was 14. My bio dad was a piece of crap who didn’t want me. I grew up feeling like the black sheep. My sister’s dad took the place of my real dad who had absolutely no part of my life. I don’t exactly remember when I found out my “dad” wasn’t my true dad but I can tell you that my entire life, and I am only 23 years old, I have felt so much shame and guilt. I know, by the way, they all look at me in this small town. I acted out as a teenager. I’ve had sex with numerous guys, let guys take advantage of me and I have cheated on every man I have been with. I lost my virginity at 14 and I had a downhill spiral with drugs for a long time. I have always had low self- esteem and always felt so unwanted. I got off drugs at 19 and now I’m getting married in 6 months to a man I cheated on the beginning of our relationship which he doesn’t know about.
    Recently, I had a change of heart when my “dad” told me I was a mistake. He told me I am just like my mother and compares me to her all the time. He doesn’t even realize how he makes me feel. I always looked up to him for stepping up for me and doing what he did when he didn’t have to, but I know how he looks at me. I know I’m the bastard child. But I am NOT gonna make the same mistakes as my mother and I am gonna be the best damn wife to my husband I can be. I know I need to get counseling because this is something I will struggle with my entire life because of two selfish people!!! I lose my mom to death, she is my best friend. She also lives with guilt and remorse and I know that she never was happy with life either because of the way she was raised the same way. But the pattern WILL stop here. I HOPE TO GOD IF SOMEONE WHO IS HAVING AN AFFAIR READS THIS GET YOUR FUCKING TUBES TIED!!! I wish to God I could have never been born.

  24. 24
    Anonymous Says:

    I just found out yesterday that I’m the product of an affair. My Dad suspected that he is not my biological father and took a paternity test: 0% chance of paternity. He gave me the name of the man he believes to be my bio father, and a company he used to work for, and said this man has other children… siblings. I confronted my mother today, and she lied to my face, claiming she is as surprised as I am about the results.
    I’m at a loss. I don’t know how to find him, his company no longer exists and I can’t do a lot with a first name, I don’t think I will ever forgive my mother for lying to my for 18 years, and then again to my face. I feel other, like I don’t fit anymore, like I don’t belong. I actually guessed this were the case three years ago, as I have a different blood type to my “parents,” and calculated the probability of producing a child like me from them to be less than 2%. I dismissed it. Guess I should have trusted my gut.

  25. 25
    Anonymous Says:

    So I was looking at things online & I need advice.

    I’m 29 years old. Recently my father passed away & my grandma passed away not long after. She has a total of 6 kids. There has always been kind of a rumor that my grandma slept around. Well my aunt confirmed it when she told me that GMA told her when my cousin was born when she was going to have genetic testing done not to worry about it to which she jokingly replied, “What… Dad’s not my dad?” & that’s when she found out. Their “dad” has a muscular dystrophy that all the other kids have. My dad & aunt were born right after each other and there’s a strong possibility that my dad was this guy’s kid too. They are the only 2 kids of 6 to look a certain way, and we don’t have the muscular dystrophy that runs on my grandfather’s side. I’ve considered getting genetic testing to see if I’m a carrier & that would confirm whether or not who I think I am.

    At this point… Everyone that would be destroyed by this would be dead. My grandma and my dad, the guy that grandma had the affair with & his wife. His children are still around. Should I contact them? My aunt & I are so curious but I’m not sure how to approach. What if we aren’t actually related?!? I don’t want to ruin anyone’s life for no reason… But I want to know if we are a part of something else so bad. I’m at a loss.

  26. 26
    Anonymous Says:

    Just two months ago I found out that I”m a product of an affair. I’m 25, in a relationship for almost 7 years. I’m having a hard time. I can’t even have a good night sleep without a bottle or two of beer. I don’t know what to do. I’m just bleeding inside and I can’t tell my siblings because I don’t want them to hate my mama. I’m getting tired with all of this. Like really tired. I totally became a different woman. Now I drink a lot and am thinking of breaking up with my boyfriend because of trust issues.

  27. 27
    Anonymous Says:

    I found out just over 2 years ago that I’m the product of an affair. (I’m now 39). I have gone through all of these stages, as if it was a death. Anger, extreme happiness, depression, distrust, shame, sadness, wanting to ignore it… And I’ve had a tough time coming to terms with the person I was before I knew the truth and the person I am today. I have good days and very bad days…and yes, for a while, I had major trust issues with my husband and mother, mainly because I just didn’t know who to trust. My whole life I had been hurt by the fact that the man who I thought was my father wasn’t emotionally there and rarely physically there…and now, I’m appreciative of any time he decided to be a part of my life. There’s so much more I’d like to share, but really…nothing is easy with this situation, no matter when you find out the truth. But my mother’s shame I refuse to take on…and my biological father died a year before I was told the truth, so I’ll never know him. He did have a family…how the heck could I ever mess up their family by telling them? If he were alive, I know I’d want to know him. I look so much like him. Anyway, therapy helps me so very much. I hope you all are getting help. We are NOT alone. And thank you, Susan Berger, for setting up this page. 🙂 – Amy

  28. 28
    Anonymous Says:

    I found out when I was 10 years old that the man I thought was my father was not my father during one of my mother’s nervous breakdowns. At the time I was relieved because the man I thought was my father was not someone I liked too much. However, I never had a picture and had no idea who my biological dad was until about 2 years ago when my mother helped my son find him on Facebook. I was enraged that she was suddenly able to locate him and find him at my son’s request but had never offered me any information and ignored me anytime I asked about him. Obviously I’ve been estranged from my mother for some time and it’s only of late I’ve come to realize that the child resulting of an affair is disliked by the mother because it reminds her of the infidelity or of the man that would not leave his wife to whisk her away. As devastating as that relationship has been for me I had no idea how devastating this next chapter would become. Before I tell you the rest let me start by saying that my mother married a man when I was 11 that has loved me unconditionally for 41 years and this next chapter has made me feel like I was cheating on him or discounting his love for me. I also must say that while my dad loved me I have never felt like I belonged anywhere and have always never felt connected (like I’ve been on the outside looking in at everyone else enjoying their life and loved ones). So the first contact with my biological father was a couple of hours after seeing him on my son’s Facebook. I instant messaged him, probably not my most dignified moment. I was very cold and asked him to please not have contact with my mother or son and since I had never asked anything from him, this was the least he could do. Several weeks later I received a response saying that he understood and that someday he would like to meet me but now wasn’t the right time. (He’s been married 61 years and I’m almost 52 so he was married to her when he cheated with my mom). This immediately put me on the defense and I explained that I wasn’t trying to open Pandora’s box and I already had a dad but then I still accepted his friend request. Deep down I longed for my father to tell me how much he wanted to meet me and that the world would stop so he could right all the wrongs I’ve had to deal with throughout my life, but he didn’t. We remained friends on Facebook for a couple of months and he liked everything i posted, but I decided that I wasn’t okay with being his dirty little secret and sent him a message telling him that I just didn’t think it was a good idea to have him on my Facebook and then I deleted him. He tried to call me through Facebook several times and I didn’t answer. Then a couple of months ago I decided to be honest with him and messaged him again, it was promptly responded with a call and I picked up. He said all the things I’ve always wanted to hear and I was filled with hope at the prospect of finally finding my “people”. I told him I wanted to do a DNA test before telling my father and before he should tell his wife. The test came back positive and by this time his wife had already figured it out. He told me that while she was hurt she was okay with things. He then made arrangements to come to CA with her and meet me and I agreed. When I met him I immediately started crying and felt at peace, however I cannot say the same for meeting his wife. It was immediately apparent that she hated me and I was the bad person that was putting her family in jeopardy. After leaving and having a couple of days to digest everything I decided to call him and tell him that I was no longer okay with being treated like the bad guy, that my mother had treated me like that my whole life and I had done too much work on myself to allow myself to be put in that position again. He said well you can’t get rid of me and professed how much he loved me. Then no call or contact was made for 3 weeks so I finally decided to call him and ask him to give it to me straight. He told me that as long as she was alive the relationship we would have would be minimal a few phone calls and maybe see each other once in a long while. I don’t know whether or not to be okay with this, I’m still his secret because they are not telling anyone and I’m still on the outside looking in. Guess I need to go back to counseling again and work it out. I just want to scream pick me, let it be me, but being the result of an affair it’s never me that gets picked and if I am ever to have any peace on this earth I just have to be okay with that. I choose me and that will have to be enough. Thanks for letting me get that out and creating this site! Nichole

  29. 29
    Anonymous Says:

    I worked on my family tree for over 15 years. Proved it all the way back to the American Revolution and one generation more. History is just so interesting to me and finding out how my family fit in is such a great feeling. Even finding out that a g-g-grandfather was in jail during the Civil War for making moonshine was kind of fun for me. I submitted my DNA to Ancestry and was actually excited to find all the countries that I came from. But then my sister and brother did theirs. And we didn’t have enough of a connection to be full siblings. That was the start of me checking everything out, finding out that I have cousins on Ancestry I was related to that they weren’t related to. So I called my Mom who I haven’t spoken to in 8 years and she told me the truth, or her version. I’m 59. And I just found out that my dad is not my biological father. He’s gone, so I don’t know if he ever knew or not. Mom says she was raped, but I don’t believe her because the rest of her story doesn’t make sense, plus, she was a very loose woman and at the time I was conceived, Dad was working out of town during the week and coming home on the weekends, we were very poor, they had 2 babies already, could only afford one car. I think the rape story was just a cover for her when she found she was pregnant. Says that her and Dad agreed to not find out and raise me as I was his.

    She told me who my biological father is, I looked him up, he has 4 kids. At first I was kind of intrigued that I had 4 half-siblings out there, but then it hit me that I have no full siblings. I finally tried to contact him and ended up with one of his daughters on the phone who would not let me talk to him without knowing why. I handled that badly because I wasn’t prepared for one of the kids to be on the phone at his place of business, I was too afraid to call the house. She wouldn’t let me talk to him, said she’d give him a message but I don’t know if she did. She talked like this couldn’t happen to her family and certainly not with someone from our side of town. I don’t think I’ll try to contact them, although I sure would like to know why one of my half-sisters died at 45, what illness, in case it’s important.

    And the tree, I cancelled my subscription to Ancestry and quit working on my tree because it’s not my life. Those aren’t my ancestors. I feel betrayed for not knowing the truth. So many things make more sense though. Mom telling me she tried to have a miscarriage with me, refusing to name me when I was born and letting the nurse pick a name (thank you whoever you are, I love my name because you picked it), always being told she wished I’d never been born. I always thought it was because she just hated having kids, never wanted them. Now I know why I got the brunt of it.

    But to everyone who has posted on here, if you come back to read these messages, there is love and there are trustworthy men. I married one. He loves me to the moon and back. And I see the hurt in his eyes every time he witnesses the meanness that comes from any of my family. Don’t give up, don’t let the betrayal or hatred or whatever you went through get into your life. Be you, be the person you want to be, the person you wish your parents would’ve been.

  30. 30
    Anonymous Says:

    I found out less than a year ago that I am the product of an affair my mother had with one of my father’s business associates, who was also married, in 1947. How I found out is fodder for an Ancestry.com commercial! I took the DNA test and the results were perplexing. My father was mainly German ancestry and my mother was pure English but results showed I was predominantly English. So I found an older cousin, still alive, who confessed to a secret he had kept for 65 years… and he had my dad’s name. He was someone I knew from growing up because he was married to my mother’s best friend, at least when I was a teenager. I found her daughter who I knew growing up and discovered that she too had been told by her mother of the affair.
    Now everything makes sense! I was neglected by my mother from the time I was born. I was premature, stayed at hospital for 1 month and she didn’t come to hospital to take me home. My father who raised me brought me home. According to recovered memories I was left alone in my crib a lot and as a toddler was allowed to wander around the neighborhood. I was severely mistreated. My mother was an alcoholic and was in bed much of the daytime. Whatever nurturing I got was from a distant, angry father who taught me to swim, ride a bike and drive a car, but who otherwise was dis-engaged and preoccupied. I had symptoms of neglect and mistreatment; head banging and thumb sucking until college, which were signs of depression. Too many psychological effects to mention. So tragic. I was re-victimized in two marriages and I’m sure my children experienced repercussions. At least now I can finally put the pieces of a puzzle together and work toward healing. What has helped is reconnecting with my step sister, who I didn’t know was a stepsister. It dad’s family; my half brother who is 19 years older and his 3 boys who are almost as old as me. They were traumatized and my half brother apparently is extremely angry about his father’s infidelities. God bless AncestryDNA!

  31. 31
    Anonymous Says:

    I found out about 2 years ago, at the age of 20 that my mother had an affair with her ex-boyfriend who was also married at the time and thus I was conceived. My mother never told anyone and the only reason she told me was because she was leaving the man who I thought was my father, to be with my ‘biological father’. My father was a bit abusive so I didn’t mind her leaving him, but finding out that my whole life was a lie has taken a toll on me. The worst part of it all, other than the fact that my father isn’t aware that I’m not biologically his daughter, is that the few family members who have thus found out about the affair and my true identity seem to be okay with it because my biological father is considered ‘a good person’. He treats my mother well and he is nice to me, but I can’t get over the hurt and betrayal I feel, and no one seems to be concerned about how I feel about the whole thing.
    I used to be so different, before all the ‘truth’ came out; I was good and happy most of the time, but now all I feel is anger and hate. And it just feels like since then, everything seems to be going wrong in my life; I’ve failed my courses at university, got my heart broken by someone I love, lost friends… I just don’t know what to do anymore….

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Susan Berger is a Marriage and Family Therapist in San Francisco, CA and Walnut Creek, CA (lic. # MFC21193) | 121 Clement St, San Francisco, CA 94118 | 1415 Oakland Blvd, Ste. 100, Walnut Creek, CA 94596
photography by Bethanie Hines