I’ve found this site useful at various stages in my affair, including now, the aftermath. Sometimes I wonder why I keep coming back here, especially to read things like “you people have no integrity and you never will etc.” I wonder, frankly, if I’m being a little masochistic. But in a way, I think I come back to those comments in an effort to overcome a deep and longstanding, underlying belief about myself, that actually is precisely in alignment with those harsh judgments. I come back to hear those words in an effort to develop a real conviction of their absurdity and their pointlessness. I totally understand why people would say those harsh things, especially if they’ve been hurt by affairs, but I kind of suspect that an overload of exactly that kind of judgment early in life is what has led, in part, to my own predisposition to deny myself intimacy, as a kind of punishment, because I don’t think I need or deserve love, and then cave desperately when I find it, usually in some situation where I wasn’t looking for it (i.e., in the kind of relationships that turn into affairs).

Those of you who are or who have been “other women,” I’m wondering, did a good portion of you start out your lives “on the wrong side of the tracks,” emotionally? Were you told you were selfish, bad, etc., from very early on? Because what strikes me about these horrible judgments (you’re pathetic, you’re sick, you have no understanding of right and wrong), is that this is what I already thought of myself — really, truly, and deeply — by the time I was five years old! Do you know how many things I have done in my life to try to prove that that’s not true? And how vulnerable and needy that effort has left me? How vulnerable to illicit relationships in particular?? And then to situations where I seem to be proving that those beliefs about myself are true after all?? I think I’m starting to understand that it’s pointless to try to defend myself in the face of those views, whether I’m 5 or 45, and whether the judgment comes from myself or others. If it was wrong to have that belief when I was a young child, it’s just as wrong now, no matter what I have or haven’t done in my life.

There are many factors that predispose people to affairs — maybe some of you have a pattern like mine and can relate to what I’m saying. So, for those of you who want to condemn, go ahead. I’m not looking for your acceptance or understanding anymore. I’ll never get it, and that’s fine. But having said that, there’s a bit of a void. I’m still not sure what it means to look to myself for acceptance or understanding, or what difference that might make to my life.

But I do know one thing. Sometimes when I look at us all, whether we’re pointing fingers at one another, gushing with positive or negative emotion, trying to defend ourselves, etc. (and I’ve done all of that on here and more), I kind of see why we’re having such problems in our relationships, and I feel a little sorry for us all. I think most of us try pretty hard, and are hurt, frustrated, and confused at not getting what we want, need, or think we deserve, and we don’t know what to try next. I like it when we help one another. It seems redemptive.