What is an Emotional Affair?
Emotional affair? I thought affairs meant extramarital sex!
He tells me they’re just friends. Am I being too possessive?
Can’t I have friends of the opposite sex?
Isn’t it better to give him a long leash?
Emotional affairs have become a hot topic in the last several years, resulting in much needed clarity for some and complete confusion for others. Conflicts arise in couples where one person’s friendship with someone else leaves their partner feeling neglected and angry , but also confused and uncertain about how to respond. “After all, they’re just business associates having lunch. I shouldn’t be so possessive.” If you’ve been telling yourself something like this, it probably has been relieving to learn that there is such a thing as an emotional affair. Identifiable patterns of behavior between “friends” that frequently end up in full blown sexual affairs have come to light.
The Pattern
Most of these relationships start at work, on the internet, or in some kind of intimate group experience, such as a spiritual community. The initial attraction is not sexual. Rather, it is the feeling that “this is someone who I can really talk to;” “this person gets me and I get her;” “we are great supports for each other.”
Fueling the connection is the shared interest, for example, work or spiritual growth. However, the conversations eventually become very personal and the talk turns toward relationships, specifically the primary relationship that one or both partners are currently in. Suddenly you find yourself sharing aspects of your marriage or primary relationship that you have never talked about with anyone other than your partner. That may seem a bit strange, but you tell yourself you’re just talking so it is okay. And there is such a need to talk, one that hasn’t been satisfied in a long time.
Gradually the intensity of these conversations grows; whether in person, on the phone or on line, and so does the anticipation of these conversations. The conversations become the thing you look forward to more than anything else during the day, more than seeing your partner, even. And by the way, you are not sharing much about this friendship with your partner, certainly not the intimate things you talk about. But you do find yourself less “into” your primary relationship. After all, you need time to talk to this friend, or check your e-mail or text messages and compose your responses. And this is starting to take more and more time and energy. Never mind that your partner is alone in the kitchen trying to do the dishes and tend to a screaming baby at the same time. Or maybe you’re there in the kitchen but then later sneak out of bed to check your e-mail.
Your partner asks what is wrong and you say everything’s fine. He or she asks about your friendship with this person and you brush off her concerns or get defensive. The distance between the two of you grows, there is less and less chance that the two of you will address what you can now so easily talk about with your new friend. The stage is now completely set for the friendship to become more than friendship.
It’s an Emotional Affair If…
You are talking about intimate aspects of your primary relationship that you are not talking about with your primary partner.
Time and energy are being siphoned from the primary relationship into this new friendship.
Aspects of the “friendship” are kept secret.
You are not comfortable sharing this friend with your partner.
You would be uncomfortable if your primary partner was having this kind of relationship with someone else.
You have more excitement about contact with your friend than you do about contact with your primary partner.
The Surprising Truth About Emotional Affairs
What seems so innocent in the beginning can end up being more damaging to a relationship than some other types of affairs. The most damaging affairs are ones in which the connection is primarily emotional rather than sexual. One-time anonymous sexual encounters are the least difficult for a couple to work through and heal. Some studies show that this varies according to gender. Statistically, women have more trouble getting over the emotional connection their partner had with the lover while men have more trouble getting over the affair if there was sex involved. However, an emotional connection can leave the person involved in the affair more confused about where his or her loyalties lie.
What To Do if You Think
Your Partner Is Having an Emotional Affair
Whether or not you give your partner “a long leash” is not the deciding factor in whether an affair will occur. If the affair is occurring because of relationship problems (and not all affairs occur for that reason,) it is almost always because channels of communication have either broken down or were never developed in the first place.
If you feel uncomfortable about a friendship your partner is having with someone else, it is important to bring up these concerns. Invite him or her to talk about feelings about the relationship between the two of you, specifically, things that he or she previously may have felt uncomfortable talking about. Get clear on what is happening in your relationship that is making you uncomfortable, both in terms of your partner’s withdrawal, refusal to open up, and relationship with the other person. Be clear about what is okay and not okay with you. Ask him or her to read something about emotional affairs. If you cannot get through to him or her, advocate strongly for couple’s therapy.
I have one of these about every 18 months, despite swearing each time not to do it again. I don’t know why, weak character? Selfishness? Inability to achieve an intimate connection with my wife? Probably all 3. Wish I knew a way out, she found out about the last 2, told the kids, all 3 of them were devastated. Now I am in another one, this time with a grade/high school person who contacted me through Facebook. I really don’t like this about myself, but seem drawn to them.
August 3rd, 2009 at 5:46 amWaste of my life
I am just ending my second affair.total 9 years of my life gone. They never leave their partners. I divorced a good man lost trust of my family and myself esteem. He wasn’t even my type.I met him at work. He was just more like a father figure. Short, bald,poor and a compulsive lier. I ask myself why???????????
August 9th, 2009 at 11:08 pmI don’t think all friendships outside of your primary relationship are affairs. I like having guys as friends and I always have. I do have a jelous husband and in his eyes having these friendships are not acceptable. Is this goign to ruin us I have no idea but I won’t give up who I am for anyone.
September 11th, 2009 at 12:25 pmAm in the midst of emotional affair. Started as mutual attraction, has advanced to weekly calls, texts and meetings 2x per month. No sex involved, but intense physical chemistry. New experience for me – never involved with a married person before. Extremely difficult situation that will test anyone’s internal fortitude like never before!
November 2nd, 2009 at 5:20 pmMy husband is having an emotional affair and tried to pass it off as a friendship. Tells me that i don’t need to know everything. This is true i don’t but when the friendship is kept secret for over 6 months and the contact is over 20 times per day what am i to think? This is not a normal friendship and i am not a jealous wife. This is abuse as far as i am concerned and the lack of respect makes me physically sick. This is not a husband and i don’t want to share my heart any longer with this cheating lier that is so immature that he cannot be truthful to himself. Sweetdreams loser. I don’t see my 25 years of marriage as a loss, i am not crying over you because you have just given me the best christmas present ever. The freedom to find an honest man, a new life full of laughter and hope, a new beginning. I no longer need to worry or cry i found out. You can share the rest of your life with this other cheater and doubt each other for the rest of your lives. What goes around comes around.
December 4th, 2009 at 2:03 amYou will also have to live with the knowledge that your children hate you for what you did to our family. They hate what they call your whore. I am sure your flirt was alot more fun when it was a secret.
don’t think all friendships outside of your primary relationship are affairs. I like having guys as friends and I always have. I do have a jelous husband and in his eyes having these friendships are not acceptable. Is this goign to ruin us I have no idea but I won’t give up who I am for anyone.
Not all opposite sex relationships are affairs, or emotional affairs, but when your other half’s feelings are ignored, or your otherhalf is not comfortable with something about your opposite sex friendship, or wants to set boundries, then their feelings should be taken into account. If you are unable to take their feelings into account then damage is being done to the relationship, and a conflict sets in.
December 17th, 2009 at 8:28 amI am in a situation that my husband is in an emotional affair but he does not admit to it, or realize he is in one, or the damage it is causing, and beleive me it does cause a lot of conflict in the marriage. A wife gets a gut feeling, and when there are sure signs of emotional involvement, then there is definately conflict in the marriage.
If you love someone, then sometimes a sacrifice has to be made in order to solve any conflict. That is part of love, marriage, and a committment.
i’m married for 15 years and still facing this problem on and off.My husband thinks that having girl friends and talking secretly to them is not a big deal since he is not doing anything(he mean no sex). He uses the word “friendship” to justify the relationship. I also gives the reason that i’ll be jealous and wouldn’t understand the friendship.Is it normal for a boss to have such a friendship with a female co-worker who is in low ranking position?
January 4th, 2010 at 6:55 amWe both fulfill a need in each other that isn’t met in our relationships, he is married and I have a boyfriend.
March 9th, 2010 at 2:54 amOur connection is primarily emotional but it is also sexual, although we haven’t had sex yet.
This has been going on for over a year we have both tried to stop and there are no excuses.
My husband was having an emotional affair with a woman he works with.
March 10th, 2010 at 7:56 pmIt went on for 18 months and I had no idea. When I saw them in his car I knew
something was up. For 10 weeks he denied that they were just friends. I thought I was going crazy because I things just didn’t add up. He finally admitted that it was an emotional affair but there is no empathy for my feelings. He just wants to forget about it and move on. We are going for counselling but I’m not sure if it is going to work. He is also going for individual counselling but wants to quit. I think the reason is because the counselor is nailing him and getting him to get “in touch” with his emotions. Also the counselor he is seeing is male so he can’t wrap him around his finger. I just found a receipt for a silk blouse that he purchased for Christmas, too bad I didn’t get a blouse.
I found out through cell phone records that my husband was having an affair for the last 18 months. I was devasted. It was an emotional affair. They talked for hours several times a day. They talked while we were on vaction, on my anniversary, on any and all important family days for the past year and a half. I cannot explain the severe pain, humiliation, and saddness that I have felt over the past couple months.
When they say that the wife knows. There is something to that. I really did have a feelings in my heart that something was not right with the two of them. I even asked my husband multiple times why she acted to “familiar”, the way they interacted when we all four were together was strange. They even sat together at a spiritual function. When i asked my husband why, he said it was all her idea. he didn’t want to sit by her. I asked why didn’t he move? He told me he didn’t want to hurt her feelings. But he knew it would hurt mine to find out what he did. Even after this conversation and a few others, their emotional affair continued for several months.
I found out several weeks ago. I feel like such a fool some days. Yet, other days I feel so liberated. I don’t know if i am going to lose my mind or not. But i feel stronger than i have ever felt in my life. I have faced a demon and i am still alive. Even as she tries to turn our mutual associates against me,i am not worrying about what she says. i am growing emotionally in ways that help me know that her misery is only my problem if i entertain her energy. And i don’t want that in my life. God will handle all matters.
I am learning to be strong enough that with God’s help I can survive anything. I don’t want to think, have dillusions, that i can control my life or anyone else. I want to know that i can control my attitude, my outlook, my emotional state and this will help me with whatever I face.
I know that they met each other several times. Of course they down play those meetings. Both say there was no physical contact other than pecks and embraces of friendship. Her husband feels so guilty over cheating on her in the past he is very gracious and understanding. I have ever have been faithful to my marriage. There were of course things that I would liked to have been different in our family, but I never looked outside my marriage for them. If that is the whole truth or not time will tell. “What is done in the dark will come to the light.” I have been married for 20 years with 1 child. I am going to law school right now. It is so true…”what doesn’t kill you…”. I am not dead!! And I cannot fortell the future of how this will all turn out, long-term.
Now, he is very accomodating and remorseful. Answered a battery of questions early on and does not want to discuss it any more. I am doing all i can to move on. But mostly i am working on me. I exercise everyday. I read for school and self improvement everday. I am feeding my mind and my spirit. Because, the act of betrayal, on any level, indicates lack of character in them not us!!!
May 8th, 2010 at 6:31 amI had an affair with my co-worker and wrecked my family for sex. I need help
July 26th, 2010 at 1:33 pm