About Affairs

Patterns and nuances in affairs do differ depending on sexual orientation. The following discussion about lesbians and affairs describes some of these themes, however, these are generalizations and do not necessarily apply to any one couple.

Emotional ties play a central role in most women’s lives. Nature and nurture both contribute to this. For example, research shows that women actually have higher levels of oxytocin, the “love hormone” that makes people feel nurturing and loving. The song, “You Make Me Feel Like a Natural Woman” is a reflection of the self esteem love provides a woman. The feeling of “not being a man” on the other hand, is usually related to not performing well or being defeated.

It makes sense then, that more often than not, lesbians have love affairs as opposed to extra-relationship casual sexual encounters. Beverly Burch points out that it is the emotional connection itself that is the most hurtful to the betrayed partner. A casual sexual encounter is often less devastating for a woman than seeing her partner starry-eyed over someone else. (In contrast, men tend to not worry about emotional affairs, but are devastated if there was sex, even if it was just a one night stand).

Not surprisingly, the most frequent other person in lesbian affairs is an ex-girlfriend (and the second most frequent is a good friend). Ex-girlfriends frequently stay closely connected after the relationship is over. The bond is special, the love is still there, but mellows over time as the new boundary (of not being physical) is enacted over and over. Still, a new partner can sense this bond and feel excluded. Women differ as to how upsetting this is. If both new partners have or have had this kind of relationship with exes it may be more understandable to each and a feeling of family can develop among the group where trust and respect for each relationship serve to keep anyone from crossing the line. If the betrayed partner, however, is in her first lesbian relationship she may have no way of understanding ex-girlfriend relationships since once most heterosexual relationships end, contact between the couple also ends.

Ex-girlfriends have to work very hard at dealing with loss of coupledom and setting up new boundaries and with the anger, grief and jealousy that are part of ending a relationship in order to stay friends. They frequently come out of this phase bonded in a way that feels like family. And sometimes there literally is a family, if there are children.

Initially, it is natural for the ex to feel painfully excluded and lingering traces of possessiveness when with the new couple. The intensity of these feelings can be confusing and lead to a belief that breaking up was a mistake. The ex may then make a desperate bid for reconciliation even though deep down she is not really certain that she wants to get back together. At this point she may become seductive. If the new couple is having difficulties this can be quite compelling. It can be so comforting to fall into familiar, loving arms when feeling hurt or rejected by the new partner who doesn’t feel as safe precisely because she is new. Add a glass of wine or two and the line has been crossed.

Lesbian relationships can become very focused on emotional security, over time leading to loss of boundaries which can lead to a waning of sexual desire. As Esther Perel puts it, “a fire needs air to burn.” The novelty of a new person, of rediscovering oneself as a sexual being can be extremely compelling.

At this moment in history most lesbians cannot marry. Having a girlfriend or even a partner conjures up a different set of meanings than having a wife. There are firm societal taboos against extramarital affairs that serve as strong boundaries around monogamy. Lesbian relationships, though they may involve everything a marriage does except the certificate, do not have these kinds of societal taboos in place. The relationship is much more dependent on the actual emotional connection between the couple. It is therefore sometimes harder for lesbians to feel the complacency that married couples do when it comes to fidelity and therefore easier to feel threatened by emotional connections with others.

I have discussed some of the painful realities of lesbian affairs. It might be helpful to know that a study conducted by Peggy Vaughan found that 80% of couples were able to heal from affairs if the person who strayed came clean and took responsibility.

It has been said that “No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.” (Albert Einstein). There is the potential for psychological and spiritual development upon the discovery of an affair that can be a thing of great depth and beauty. Working with affair couples I have witnessed over and over again how channels of communication and understanding can open leading to a new closeness and intimacy that was previously unimaginable.