I Just Found Out My Partner is Having an Affair!
If you have just found out your partner is having an affair, you are probably in shock and feel as if the floor has opened up under you. Suddenly, there is an emergency and a strong need to take some action right away; you may have already left or thrown your partner out, or you may feel on the verge of doing so. But this may not bring you any real relief.
Your sense of safety, of trusting your own experience, of your place in the world, has suddenly been shaken to the core and the person you usually turn to for help is the very person who is the cause! You may swing from one extreme to the other; wanting to pull that person back in, very close to you, on the one hand, or get rid of him/her as fast as you can on the other. You want to be alone; you can’t bear to be alone. You want to confide in others; you want to hide what feels like a shameful secret. You just want to sleep, you can’t sit still. This is all normal.
You have experienced a psychological trauma. Chemical processes are occurring in your nervous system that leave you in a state of chronic hyperarrousal which can leave you feeling agitated, anxious, panicked, and sleep deprived. Your rage may feel uncontrollable. You may feel sick, be unable to eat, or stop eating. Your world is suddenly upside down, and narrowed, nothing else seems to exist except the affair. Your body eventually needs a respite from this state and you go numb, nothing seems real, you can’t feel anything and feel isolated and strangely disconnected from others. Then there is a reminder of what happend and you are plunged into the turmoil all over again. This is all normal.
Was I a Fool?
Finding a partner in life who you make yourself vulnerable to and develop a deep level of trust with; who allows you to feel safe in the world because you know they will be there for you and value you above all others, and who is working with you to honor the commitment you have made to each other is a developmental achievement. This achievement involves the ability to trust, and to allow yourself to depend on someone emotionally in some ways like children depend on adults. Current research into successful couples therapy demonstrates that when a couple can learn to be vulnerable with each other and seek each other out during times of emotional distress for comfort, the relationship becomes successful. In other words, your belief that your partner valued you above all others, just as children have that belief of their parents, was an important part of what allowed you to be who you were out in the world. You were not a fool to invest this energy into your partner, even if there were signs that he or she was not as trustworthy or present as you wished. Acknoweldging this reality is terrifying and it is natural to try to preserve a sense of safety in the world by dismissing evidence to the contrary.
Spying
At some point however, the evidence may have become too strong. At that point you may have tried to confront your partner. If they denied the affair, that did not put you at rest. As I have mentioned before, you started to have the sense that the relationship had a potentially life-threatening illness and became obsessed with getting an accurate diagnosis. Going through emails, cell phones, pockets, desk drawers to find confirming evidence of the affair is a natural response. It reminds me of the scene in the movie, Lorenzo’s Oil where Susan Sarandon, playing the mother of a boy who had an illness that no doctor could diagnose spent endless hours on the internet poring through myriads of medical journals until she found the diagnosis and cure herself. You were determined to prove you weren’t crazy, and perhaps save your relationship, or at least, yourself.
What Next?
No matter what the outcome of this discovery, you will only find peace one way, and that way is not easy. The most imporant thing to do is to allow yourself to experience and name your inner reponses as they occur and work with making sense of them over a period of time. staying close to your own needs and feelings and expecting an emotional roller coaster for a while. You need a physical, psychological and possibly a spiritual space in which to do this. This might mean living separately, or with your partner, meeting with a therapist, meditating, journaling, going on a retreat, etc. After your initial outrage, you will naturally have many questions. Most of these will be for your partner, but there is one that is important for you to ask yourself, and that is, “besides the affair, is this a relationship that I, deep down, want?” Do you sense that you want him or her back out of desperation, or a genuine belief that you could have a fulfilling future together? If the relationship that you had before you discovered the affair feels truly worth saving, then there are questions that you will want to be asking your partner. If not, then you have the painful task of facing the reality that the affair was probably what is referred to as an “exit” affair, reflecting a truth for both of you.
If you are someone who has experienced one or more traumatic abandonments in the past that have not been worked through, whether from other partners, parents or siblings, this step is very difficult. Being abandoned again, even by someone you know isn’t right for you, will bring up those past experiences of trauma and make you feel like it is happening all over again. You will experience strong urges to avoid this at all costs. If you find yourself in this position, it is best to seek professional help.
If you have any sense that the relationship might be worth saving and want to start working things out, you will need information. To start to deal with what has happened, you will need to know what happened. Your natural urge will be to want to grill your partner about the affair. This is the first step in working things out for yourself, during which you will continue to decide if you want to work things out with your partner. There is information that you need to know that will help you and there is information you might feel you need to know that will simply be torturous and not assist you in regaining your sense of security. Initially, the most important things to find out are
- Is the affair still going on? If not, when did it end? Are they still in touch?
- Is your partner willing to end it? Does this seem believable and realistic to you?
- How and when did it start?
- Is your partner in love with with him/her?
- What does the affair mean to your partner?
- Was protection used during sex? Have you been expose to STDs?
- What means did your partner use to deceive you?
- Is the lover someone you know?
Although I list them as simple questions, each one represents discussions that need space to occur over a period of time.. There are other questions you will undoubtedly have, and there are some that will not help you heal, such as:
- Questions about explicit sexual details
- Repeating questions that your partner cannot or will not answer
The first is obvious. Filling your mind with sexual images of your partner and lover will not help you at all. You will struggle with this without getting explicit details, getting the details will just make it worse.
The second type of question is problematic because you may get an “I don’t know” or “I don’t remember” that doesn’t feel authentic and you want to pursue until you get the truth. The deception that you realize you have suffered is so painful, you don’t want another minute of it; you feel deserving of complete honesty now. And you are, it’s just that every time your partner reveals more of what has happened they are giving up more control, and this control is what they have been basing their own sense of security on. You can get caught in a cycle in which your partner feels more and more threatened and therefore less forthcoming if you keep hammering away at questions they can’t readily answer. So give it a rest and come back to it later. On the other hand, if your partner really doesn’t remember or know and you keep asking, they may make up an answer to placate you and end the agony for the moment, and that leaves you being lied to again.
With the information you have gained, you are in a position to reflect on what your course of action should be. It is very important that you find support for this from someone other than your partner. Your partner is in no position to help you in this process beyond answering your questions, because they are experiencing the enormous and sudden loss of control that comes with disclosure and may promise things that they can’t deliver in order to restore this sense. Although you are furious, you might feel compelled to protect your partner from the judgment of friends, family and even clergy. It also might be difficult to reveal the fact that you have been cheated on to those close to you, as if it is a bad reflection on you. It is important to think about who you can trust; who will listen to you without judgment and not assume they know what is best for you. Is there someone who can just help you sort it all out? If not, a therapist could be of help.
As I mentioned earlier, it is important to have a space to do this in. If you feel you need space, but don’t take it because you are afraid this will take away your control over your partner’s comings and goings, you will feel better in the short run, but maybe not in the long run.
Is There Hope?
Many couples heal from affairs and find their relationship is better than ever. New channels of communication can open in unexpected ways, and a new closeness and intimacy can develop. A study by Peggy Vaughn found that when the secret comes out, and the infidel reveals everything and takes responsibility for the behavior, 88% of the marriages were healed. However, when the infidel clams up, blames the affair on the marriage or lover and does not take responsibility or answer questions there is only a 55% success rate. You might be thinking this is easier said then done. Therapy can make a tremendous difference in the ability to process, repair, heal and eventually move on from this most difficult experience.
I appreciate the condensation of experience and insight that went into this accessible and relevant presentation. It conveys both information and hope.
October 28th, 2007 at 3:27 pmExcellent post. Could not have said it any better myself. Hat’s off to a post well said.
September 24th, 2008 at 8:52 amThis is really a fabulous post. Thank you so much for the thoughtfulness that went into explaining all sides, as opposed to simply vilifying the adulterer. My husband left me for his affair partner about seven months ago, and it was incredibly painful. In the past few months I have been forcing myself to examine our marriage prior to the affair, and to approach the thought of him with some humanity. I take no responsibility for his decision to betray my trust. However, considering us as individuals with needs and different emotional resources/tools has allowed me to understand why he chose the path of an affair as an outlet to these problems, instead of confronting them with me by his side. I must admit, it’s really made me miss him, something I didn’t expect. I plan to share these posts with him. I have no idea what kind of relationship will be found in our future, but working through the understanding will allow me to make piece with the marriage, no matter what path it takes.
October 21st, 2008 at 8:19 amgreat post……..i plan to show some of this to my partner. I was deeply hurt by an affair he still has not admitted to because he does not want to hurt me. It’s over now but i can never look at him or feel for him in the same way i once did. I love him deeply but my world came crashing down around me the day i discovered there was another woman. Everytime i asked or have asked if there was/is another woman, he said no, but he kept leaving me for weekends etc every few weeks saying he needed space. This lasted for a year, and i found emails, texts etc. I have never confronted him with ‘the evidence’ and sometimes it eats away at me. All the emotions described above, i have felt. It comforted me to read the post and realise its not just me, and my feelings are normal.
November 14th, 2008 at 6:02 amThanks for the info, a few weeks ago i found out my husband was having an affair. I confronted him and her and they both admitted it and had no choice but to finish it.
November 20th, 2008 at 8:37 amI have a 1 year old with this man and am deeply hurt even though i am still with him. Some days i can be nice but others i get really nasty, it doesn’t help he is a long distance lorry driver and is away alot.
I unfortunately don’t have anyone to talk to and would like answers that i know i won’t get. I just hope i can overcome the pain and hurt for my son’s sake.
This is a great post. I just found out recently that my husband had an affair with a friend of mine. She doesn’t know that I know what happened. I am working on forgiving my husband. A close friend thought that I should kick him out, but I know I would be lost without him. I am wondering if I should confront her. I know that her husband doesn’t know and wonder about telling him. This post won’t help with those two issues but, it helps to know that what I’m feeling is normal.
November 20th, 2008 at 4:25 pmDear God in heaven, I have just found out that my husband has been having an affair for rhe last six and a half years, I just wish somebody could pick me up and save me (but I know that is not going to happen) I am trying to read about everything, I feel dead. Please tell me it will get better
November 24th, 2008 at 1:30 amI’m so sad for every woman and man that this has happened to. I’ve learned that their were fundamental problems with my marriage that led to my husband’s emotional affair and I thank God that he is willing to work on it in therapy with me. It’s still extremely hard to trust him and I’m dealing with jealousy issues that weren’t there before. Even though, I know it’s not my fault for what happened. I know my behavior towards my husband did play a role in his feeling unloved, and devalued which led to his finding comfort and acceptance in a relationship with another women. We are taking it day by day and learning to love, respect and appreciate each other more than ever. I’m hoping this was a blessing in disguise and that we will become closer and happier through it.
December 4th, 2008 at 10:21 amI am feeling for you…
December 12th, 2008 at 1:29 amHey Lady’s We are all in the same boat…..I have been in this relationship with this men for 3 years he was married and had 2 kids and his wife killes herself after i was in a relationship with him 5 month…I took the full reponsability after his kids and my own and we moved away from the beautiful place we lived for better life for the kids and not have so much memorries and I have been always there for them as a mom a lover a house keeper anything you can imagine and discover on the 24 dec 08 that he had a long friendship with this women on any contact as he can while i am at work or home to do everything for the family as he took my computer the night befor and frogot to closed what he was doing……………suprise for me as i got the shock of my life that the women he was talking with had send him nude pic and message……i thaught i was going to die and stil not well today….thank god i am normal after reading your post it made me feel the world……
January 15th, 2009 at 10:24 amThank you for all of this helpful information. I have been married for 16 years my husband was my bestfriend, our family, our children were so close. He took on a new job and I noticed him changing. I would visit him at work and I knew his employees very well as I also used to work there. In August my husband admitted that he was having an affair with his 26 year old assistant. My husband is 56 yrs old! I have always taken great care of the way I look I am a runner and feel that i am in good shape, but I am 45 years old…How do I compete?? He has lost everything, his job, his friends, and his wife. He ended the affair and has been trying to get me to move back home. I miss him went I am not with him but when I am with him I cant help but feel hurt and anger towards him. I find myself self medicating with alcohol. I am so tired of feeling this way. My passion for life is gone. I did not get to choose on how my life is forever changed. When will this anger disappear?? I get get the images of them being sexual. I love him very much but I cant even touch him…
January 15th, 2009 at 12:10 pmI just stumbled across this information and I am so glad I did. I just walked in on my partner of 3 years last night and he was with another woman. I had driven over to his house to tell him how much I love him and that the issues we were having would be worked out and our love would become stronger. To say I am in a state of shock would be an understatement; I am like a zombie and so ashamed to be like this in front of my two sons (who thought the world of him). I would never have believed it possible that he could do this; it has really rocked my world and I have no idea how to cope. I identify with your other reader who just wants some one to pick her up and save her. I know I have nothing to feel ashamed about but I cannot help this overwhelming feeling of total shame that, somehow, I got sucked in to believing he “just needed some space” and was “trying to sort things out in his head and please would I give him time”. The casual betrayal of my total trust is what hurts the most. God help us all.
January 31st, 2009 at 6:10 pmIt is just so upsetting that there are so many people out there that this happens to. Men have always cheated on their women and for years it was excepted. But now women do not put up with it. A lot of women are now cheating on their husbands. I don’t know why being with one partner is just not enough anymore. Is it the stresses of life that forces us to look for some relaxation, some down time with someone who expects nothing more than sex. Everyone out there is capable of cheating, even those that have had it done to them. I just want to know why.
February 9th, 2009 at 10:19 amI recently found out my partner was having an affair with a friend. She is in her twenties and he in his forties. For two months he told me they were just friends her and her husband had been going through some issues and they had been individually cming to us for support. She decided she wanted support from my partner and not me and she started to shut me out. My gut told me there was something wrong as her body language was so different around him all girly and colder with me. She then split up with her husband and started having an emotional affair with my partner and I found evidence just after it turned into a physical affair which broke my heart. We are still together but my trust has gone. She emailed me and told me that he didnt love me and I should accept that he loved her and its this that is still in my head he tells me where he is and calls me when he is on his way home etc but her words just stick in my mind and although there is no sign of it continuing I think she is just biding her time.
February 10th, 2009 at 8:14 pmI cannot believe there are so many of us that are suffering the same emotions and feelings of betrayal and lack of trust. My situation is a little different. I found out that my husband had an affair 17 years ago. I overheard a conversation between them(on his birthday she still called). The conversation concerned sex with her before. He swears that was it and it lasted 7 months and was only physical. that does’t make me feel any better. Even though it happened long ago, it’s like it just happened. I can’t get over it. We are together still but I am questioning our whole relationship and realize we have other issues. I was married before as a kid and my first husband cheated. I now wonder if this a pattern for me in relationships. I think I as loosing my mind because I can forgive but not forget. I relate to those of you who move from depression to anger with him or without. I am stillseeking a way to move on.
February 13th, 2009 at 10:33 amMarried 34 years. Then he died. Then our adult children (26 to 34) and I found out he had had three (3) adulterous affairs spanning 6 years.
He croaked from a heart attack in one of his concubine’s beds having sex while I was out of town. Sounds like Jerry Springer, huh? Ordinarily, I would have chuckled, but it was ME the joke was on. Yet, he NEVER intimated in our 34 years of marriage that he wanted a divorce. Gave me flowers and chocolate and apologies for being late. He supposedly was a “religious” guy, so I trusted him. Ha. My bad.
But I did want a divorce. I just didn’t say. My fear. He drove me into sadness–unmentionable sadness because he wouldn’t “change.” from cold old to confident new. But an “old lady who is looking for new love” is not going to find it. My fear.
Religious conviction is what he SAID he was about. Lies. Even to God. I can’t even scream at him (although I did in three dreams and I know he heard me).
The affect on his children and their issues of trust have been devastating–even thought they are grown. I will not forgive him or them for what they did to my children. To me? What the hell. But my kids? Oh, hell no.
I wrote his three mistresses all in one letter. Each of them thinking they were the “bee’s knees.” Ha. Found out who they worked for; names of their boards of directors (I’m lethal); threatened them–but couldn’t carry any of it out because of fear of the Creator. Cursed him out at his grave.
Doesn’t make me feel better, but I don’t feel worse. ha. Am going to get over my pity party one day. Just don’t know when.
February 15th, 2009 at 2:40 pmI found out on Monday my wife was having an affair, I picked up her phone and found a text which made it obvious she was having an intimate relationship with someone else. We have 2 great children one is from a previous relationship of my wife’s, I thought we had everything that anyone could ever want, I love/loved her so very very much. She admitted it all straight away and says it was due to end and had only recently started when I was away on business. I hadn’t felt anything was wrong in our relationship and she also said the same but had had some very complementary attention for a long period of time which when I was away she gave into. I didn’t know what to do and just as the post describes my emotions are bouncing around all over the place, one minute I want to end it all and then want everything to go back to as we were. How I’m feeling now I don’t think I can ever trust her again, I feel completely crushed, scared and very emotional. I’ve not eaten for 5 days and feel sick at the thought of it, what should I do I really don’t know but I really hope the pain goes away very soon!
March 19th, 2009 at 2:19 pmi am so sorry to hear there are so many of you out theregoing thru what i went thru,if you are anything like me and thought you were the perfect husband /wife, then you,ll also b going thru a confidence crisis! well don,t ! you are good enough for anyone out there , i went thru 18 months of hell disecting everything wondering where i went wrong, & you know what i did,nt she did ,and now i havent been this happy for years, i have my children halve the time i have,nt lost them like i thought i would and i,ve more confidence in myself than i,ve ever had, life goes on and there are enough decent people out there that will treat you with the respect and love you deserve,here,s a few facts that might answer some of those thoughts that are eating at you, 75% of errant spouses described their marriage as pretty or very happy before the affair,(so don,t let them tell you it,s your fault )75%of affairs don,t last longer than 5 years even if they run off with one another, think about it how can they ever trust one another? once a cheat always a cheat ,true kid you not, they normally have lower levels of dopamine,(thats the stuff that makes you feel good) so get there kicks elsewhere, facts courtesy of mens health march issue, and if you,re someone who,s not sure if your spouse is doing the dirty look for changes, if they,ve liked cheshire cheese all their life and all of sudden they like chedder cnances are they,re playing away, they have to do somthing differant to make the time
March 23rd, 2009 at 12:23 pmAugust last year my partner left me said he wanted to be free travel etc while he was gone i had a one night stand with an old friend my partner asked me back i told him about the other guy he said he could deal with it and we got back together just a few
March 27th, 2009 at 10:24 amMonths later he said he couldnt get it out of his head left me again and then had a one night stand with my best friend as revenge i have never felt more betrayed and mistreated what was he punishing me for we Wasnt together and what was her motivation ?
March 27th, 2009 at 10:27 amMy wife of ten years told me a couple of weeks ago that she is having an affair (although she couldn’t actually say the word “affair” and claims she has found someboby else to “talk to”). We have an excellent relationship in a lot of ways. We travel, go to dinner, enjoy each other’s company. She says that she still loves me but doesn’t know if she is “in love” with me. She seems very confused and I am utterly destroyed. She is my best friend and means the world to me. She says she doesn’t know if she wants to try and save our marriage. I am going through the same emotions that everyone here is. I haven’t been eating or sleeping. If it is over, how long will my agony last?
April 10th, 2009 at 12:22 pmTo the man that just posted above…I wish I had some words of encouragement. I don’t. The only thing that I can tell you is that your wife is in “Affairland” right now, and no matter what you say, she isn’t listening. She is going to blame everyone and everything around her, but the real problem is with her. There is something missing and you need to try to find out what that something is. Don’t push her and don’t demand answers right now. Try to create a safe place for her to open up to you and tell you the truth without any outburst or consequences for the things that she says. It’s so hard to do, because you are going to want to defend yourself. You are going to go through all of the horrible emotions that are associated with betrayal. It is not easy and yes, you are devastated. Seek out some support for yourself, and try to gain some positive ground.
There are a lot of great resources out there to help you understand all of this. “Not Just Friends” is a great book to read by Shirley Glass Ph.D. A lot of useful information. Also, “Break Free From The Affair” is another great source of advice and help when trying to understand what kind of affair your wife is having. Look at the Killer Mistakes page on the website…it is very interesting and you are probably making some if not all of the killer mistakes that the betrayed spouse does when they find out about the affair.
The most important thing that you can do at this point in time is to arm yourself with knowledge. The more you know and understand about your wife, the more likely it will be that you can save your marriage regardless of her ambivalence.
My best to you and good luck!
April 11th, 2009 at 6:20 amMy husband of 15 years had an 11 month affair with a woman that works in his building. He came home one day and said he wanted a divorce. I told him ‘no’. He acknowledges that it was the wrong thing to do and he is responsible for his actions. But he also acknowledges that he was trying to get out of an unhappy marriage by making me mad enough that I would make the decision to divorce him.
After numerous false starts, we are back on track because of my not giving up on our marriage,. He has done many of the right things to make me feel better, but there are still innuendos that it is my fault. We are in counseling, but he still doesn’t open up about his thoughts. I’ve told him repeatedly that sharing with me is more important than any act he could perform. He denies that it was physical, but there is so much circumstantial evidence to support otherwise. (i.e. being at her apartment @ 3am on numerous occasions) Whether it was physical or not doesn’t matter to me as much as I feel like he’s still keeping something from me.
Once the affair had gone public, he was very embarrassed. I think that he withholds information from me because admitting to it shames him more. In actuality, his not being able to admit the truth and face his demons, makes me respect him less. Although things are going better, I find that I no longer have the same respect for him and I think of him as cowardly. He goes along with all the interventions, but he never initiates them or is proactive.
Sometimes I find myself looking at him and wondering, is this the man that I fought for? I feel angry that he alone made the decision to have an affair and that I have to live with the consequences and the pain. I often fantasize about leaving him. But my vows mean more to me than giving up during a rough patch. Financially, I can support myself and my children comfortably, so I don’t stay out of dependence. Is this normal for me to resent him and want to stay married at the same time? Do I keep going in hope that these feelings will change?
April 19th, 2009 at 1:02 amI can’t answer all of your questions, but the books we’ve been reading and our therapist said that marriage has the most chance to succeed after an affair if the husband (my husband in this case) would be honest and forthcoming about the affair (length of time, amount of physical involvement, gifts shared, commitments made, and so forth). He has told me an awful lot. Many of it was hard to hear. Even now, I still wonder if he’s told me everything, but at some point, I have to decide that more details don’t matter. What matters is that we’re moving forward. One book confirmed so much of what I found out about his affair…it was very childish and immature…the whole relationship. The book described it as the emotional maturity of children, with the hormones of teenagers, and the mobility and independence of adults. This was a perfect description.
Our therapist also advised me not to hide the extent to which I was hurting….not to cover it up with anger. And believe me, I was hurting more than I ever thought possible. I can’t believe I even needed to hear someone say that to me, but it made a difference in the way both of us started responding to each other.
Another book, called Love and Respect (author’s last name is Harley) emphasizes the importance of a wife showing respect to her husband, and says that it’s even more important than showing love, so you might want to check that out too.
April 21st, 2009 at 2:27 pmI got the author’s last name wrong on the Love and Respect book. It’s Eggerich, not Harley. Harley wrote another good book called His Needs Her Needs. It’s about mutually meeting your spouse’s needs to recover from or prevent affairs.
April 22nd, 2009 at 6:07 amI just found out my husband of three years is having an affair and has a child with this woman. The child is four months younger than our oldest child. Both girls will be 2 this year. I found out my husband was having an affair with this woman before our marriage and throughout the entire three years. His family and friends all new except for me. Now he says he loves me and wants to fix and or save the marriage. How can I if our marriage, the entire three years of it, has had him living a double life? Any advice?
May 10th, 2009 at 5:03 pmi realy don’t know because we not staying in a same placa but the he do things he makes me feel like i’m begging him to be together,i realy love himbut i don’t how can i exprese my feelings because we are not at same place,but i do love him very much,my life is incomplete without him, but there he do things he make feel like i’m a stupid, what can i do show him that i realy care about him
May 26th, 2009 at 4:26 amMy heart goes out to all of us who have been betrayed by a partner. The pain is unbearable, it has rocked my world to the very core. I saw myself as an intelligent woman before, I was confident,trusting and never the jealous type. I can’t handle that everything about me has changed.I feel old, ugly, stupid and so very worthless, I feel weak. He doesnt like me asking questions, can’t understand my NEED to know, without answeres we make it up in our heads!!!! I have never been betrayed before, never felt he would betray me, now I dont trust him, dont know if I ever can again, some days I hate him so much
June 22nd, 2009 at 12:53 amMy husband has been having an affair for at least a year and a half now, maybe more. He will not come out and admit it, but I have all the proof that I need. He continues to say to me that he feels like he is in prison and he just wants his freedom. When I tell him to leave, he refuses, but continues to show me complete lack of respect and complete disregard for me and my feelings. Why is he doing this? If he wants her so badly, why won’t he just leave?
June 26th, 2009 at 3:56 ami’m pretty sure my husband has been having an affair for the last three years i just found out only because his ow was mad at him for not coming to see her in jail so she called me and let me know everything. now i am so hurt i cant think straight. i have been hurt before and he knows it so how could he do this to me too. i have been there for through everything in the last 15 years. i dont know if our marriage can survive this. he’s admitted it but he doesnt want to talk about it. i feel like idont have a choice, because if he doesnt want to talk about it then he has already left me. any advice?
July 4th, 2009 at 11:55 amI’m in love with a girl she is my current partner, I want to marry her and we have many plans. but something is not right, things I have seen and hear. I have the feeling that she is being unfaithful to me. what you think I can do. I Speak to her and she say, shes being faithful that the guy I’m thinking is only a friend but I see more than that. And I don’t want to leave her because if I’m wrong I’m going to feel really bad, I have no concrete proof, only partial evidence
July 5th, 2009 at 12:44 pmTo #31 above….follow your gut. If something is wrong, look into it. I should have listened to my intuition, but I chose to trust my husband and my friend. I found out the hard way that I was right all along and he was cheating on me.
July 6th, 2009 at 6:13 amTo commenter #28, I felt the same way you did. I am “fortunate” enough, if you want to call it that, to have a husband who very much wanted to make our marriage work and felt horrible about the pain his affair caused. At first, he told me a bunch of stuff, then kind of shut down, not wanting to fill me in on anymore information. Our counselor said that there’s a higher rate of success in marriages after affairs if the unfaithful spouse shares most information about the affair (things that took place, dates, gifts, where they had sex and how many times, how they communicated, who else knows about it, and even who the person is and where she lives and works). Now I know all of those things, and while it was hard to hear those things at first, it’s like you want and need to make yourself hit rock bottom with it so you can only go up from there. To keep finding out about stuff months later just makes it harder to recover, whereas if you know as much as possible, you don’t have to worry anymore about continually having your heart broken. If your husband loves you and will help you by sharing information and nurturing your through your heartbreak, you can get stronger and feel better about yourself again. If he won’t do it, please find someone else to help you, like a friend or family member and a counselor, because I felt the same way you do (old, ugly, defeated, no self-confidence), and it has taken several months to start feeling better again. At first it’s just a little each day, then gradually more and more.
July 20th, 2009 at 6:46 amFour weeks ago I found out that my wife was having an affair with an ex co-worker. We’ve been married 23 years and together 26. Both in our early 50’s. I new for 5 months that something was going on (she lost 30 lbs, changed her hair style, toned up, got a new “work” cell, got new lingerie that I stumbled across by accident, began spending more time at work, ran extended errands, ((heard enough?)) but it took a private investigator to get the proof. Even though I suspected it I have never felt so ripped apart in my life. She says (and the PI thinks its true due to the behaviors they exhibited) 1. They were seeing each other for about a month 2. that they had only made out a few times and never had sex 3. she could talk to him and he made her laugh 4. it started out by him offering to teach her how to golf (she never mentioned wanting to play golf to me)
July 21st, 2009 at 4:10 pmShe now says our relationship was over for the past 8 years. She never told me!!!, but I know we both got lazy. She always “put the kids first” (ex. we only spent two nights away from the home w/o the kids in 20 years). We have started seeing a counselor, my wife has said she doesn’t want to continue with him but doesn’t know what she wants beyond that. She’s not guaranteeing me anything. I’ve decided she’s going through a mid-life crisis and there’s not much I can do to help her decide. She’s in a very self-centered frame of mind, still wanting to blame “us” for her behaviors not herself.
I just found out about 2 wks ago that my husband was having an affair on me. We have been together 14 yrs, married 8 1/2 and have 3 children together. I was shocked, even though he was acting a bit strange. I just didn’t imagine it would be that. After the reality set in, and he told me he felt like he loved her but didn’t know what to do, I realized a lot. I do not blame myself, but I did realize all the areas I have failed to be a Godly wife. I, so many times, have disrespected him, made him feel unwanted, left him out, etc. I spoke to him very badly and there was no partnership. He told me is started off as an emotional affair and I realized she was filling a void that I had failed in. Through all this, I have just decided to focus on the areas I need to work on, with or without him. If I am gonna fail, I am gonna fail on the side of love. I couldn’t for sure say that before. He has said he wants to work this out and our family to remain together. I just take it a day at a time and leave it to God. I totally have faith and believe in restoration. I believe God has a plan for me and my children either way! But, this is the hardest thing I have ever gone through.
July 25th, 2009 at 12:58 pmI suspected for a while. I told my husband about my suspicions of course he denied everything. Well he finally came clean. I never thought I would experience such heart wrenching pain from someone I Loved,adored and trusted. Not to mention that the other woman is a family friend and business partner. I’d love to confront her and tell her husband. But really what would be the point. My husband says he is truly sorry. He wants to do anything to save our relationship. My emotions are out of control. Thanks for the post at least I know I’m not going crazy, even if I do have a lot of crazy thoughts
July 31st, 2009 at 10:35 amFrom my personal researh on affairs here are some of the facts that I have found which may be helpful for many people:
1. Affairs are an escape from the realities of the world.
2. Affairs are not a rejection of the spouse but rather a rejection from the roles and the restrictions that the real world makes him to be.
3. People who have affairs live in a fantasy or unrealistic world for several reasons:
a. The person who is having the affair does not truly show his whole true self he only shows the best of him. During his affair he plays a new role and that new role is not the TRUE reflection of what that person truly is in the realistic world.
b. People who have affairs tend to IDEALIZE the affair partner. An affair is a phase I relationship and in a phase I relationship IDEALIZATION of the affair partner is a basic characteristic. I recommend that research should be done on the characteristcs of a phase I relationship, it a relationship based on ROMANCE and romance is in many ways a fantasy.
c. Affairs are when two people decide to meet each other in secret and spend a moment with each other and they give their 100% undivided attention but they are living this moment where they are not confronting the social and personal obstacles and distractions of the real world.
d. Affairs are secret.
e, Relationship expectations in an affair are unrealistic.
4. Affairs have a lot to do with character.
5. An affair is more a reflection of self-expression.
6. Affairs are a self-choice decision, it was not pushed by others or anything outside of himself.
7. It is a fact by reliable surveys and professional research that the marital spouse who contibutes more to the marriage does not have affairs. However, the marital spouse who has not contributed as much to the marriage has affairs. Therefore, the marital partner who has not contributed more to the marriage is the one who has to contibute more to the marriage. This confirms the fact that the infidel´s spouse is not the cause for that affair. In other words, the infidel cannot justify his actions and responsabilities blaming his spouse in taking the path of having an affir. Equity in a marital relationship is a reason for a person to decide to take the path of having or looking for an affair.
8. It is a conventional concept that in order for a person to feel complete about himself that his or her marital partner is the only one who should and can fullfill his partner´s completeness, however, no one or anything can do that for you. Only you yourself can do it. However, what your spouse can do is to share or contribute in the marital relationship his or hers sense of completeness. The feeling of completeness is happiness. Therefore, persons who have affairs feel an emptiness of completeness and are not contributing their completeness in their marital relationship.
9. There are many reasons why a person has decided to follow the path of having a affair it may be because of social, personal, relationship, biologic or cultural and may other reasons. Each affair should be handled individually.
10. Affairs occur even in good marriages and more and more persons in good marriages are having affairs.
11. The stats on infidelity are the following: ( Accurate statistics are very difficult to achieve because of the fact that an affair is considered by many a secret, however, a calculation can be made of it):
a. 80% of the people who have affairs and have ended their marriage regret having the affair.
b. 75% of the people who end their marriage and end up marrying their affair partner end up in divorce.
c. There is not even 1 out of 100 of a possibility that the relationship that began under infidelity will make it and even if your marital partner decides leaving your family or spouse the affair relationship will only have a 25% chance that it will succeed due to the fact that a relationship that has evolved from infidelity has no foundations.
12. Even though the person who is having the affair does not know it at the time the truth is that what really attracts him about that affair is not the affair partner but rather the “type” or “kind” of relationship he is living, (an affair represents excitement and novelty), and more importantly what really attracts him is the person who he became in that affair. He is different in an affair. He plays a different role. In therapy the therapist helps the person to realize that this is really the truth, the attractiveness and the meaning of his affair and will help him to learn what was it about him that he liked so much while he was in the affair and helps him to contribute these things about himself into his marital relationship.(It is sad to say but one of the reasons why a hig percentage of affairs who end up in marriage fail is due to the truth of the matter that the true attractiveness of an affair is NOT the affair partner and eventually throughout time both partners will come to the truth of this.)
13. If a person who had the affair does not face the reasons which motivated him to have an affair the chances that his second marriage or relationship will fail are very high because there has not been a learning and personal evolving experience. ( 50% of first marriages end up in divorce, 60% of second marriages end up in divorce.)
14. No one is imune from having an affair. Everyone is vulnerable. It is important to know the danger signs and its boundaries.
I hope this general information will be helpful, and again, I truly recommend that the best way to begin this situation is to not make immediate decisions especially when high emotional feelings are still there. The best thing to do is to take your time to educate yourself, learn, and inform yourself by reading and reseraching on the topic. Both partners should get help.
August 21st, 2009 at 9:00 amTo the author of #37 Thank You I am the dreaded “other woman” sitting at home alone on Saturday night after waiting for the promised phone call today. I have been struggling with this relaitonship for a while, and have tried to break it off for a month or so. He tells me no, that he loves our time together…and so on..I love him, but after reading #37, the reality hits fairly hard. You have helped me to make my decision and stick to it this time. I can no longer be party to the kind of pain that this relationship will inflict on his wife.
August 29th, 2009 at 7:05 pmI’ve just discovered that my partner of 5 years (and the mother of my child) has made a hotel reservation for herself and another man for this Friday night. She told me she was going out to Liverpool on a works night out but I’ve had a nagging doubt about this for weeks as she’s been texting constantly and suddenly she’s put a PIN lock on her phone and she’s been more fractious with me and the top hat on it was when I hacked into her emails (I shouldn’t have done but I was at my wits’ end) and there it was: a reservation for a hotel room for Friday night for her and some other bloke. I feel physically sick. I’ve asked her about these things and she has promised me there’s nothing going on. What the hell do I do?
September 29th, 2009 at 4:25 pm#38 You KNOW what we all think of you! Are we supposed to feel sorry for you? Get your own man there are plenty of them! You are doing yourself no favours putting “the other woman” face in amongst those who have been sorely betrayed by those we’ve loved and given ourselves to, and supposedly themselves to us. It all boils down to lust and the lack of self control and complete disregard for the feelings of other people involved. You’re just a sad excuse for a human being, now PISS OFF!
October 18th, 2009 at 9:44 pmabout a month ago, i found out my wife of 22 years has been having an affair with my daughters recuiter. he befriended the family and myself. we would work together, visit him and his wife and he was really close to my daughter as her recruiter. a year after my daughter disclosed to me that this man had used his rank to have sex with her. when I told my wife this she didnt believe me( now I know why) my wife and I thought that we should move to another state to help our teenage son. My son and I moved first and my wife stayed behind to sell the house and save up money at her job. after 7 months of being apart she finally moved to our new home. within 2 months said she wanted to move back to our home town, that she could get her old job back, be near her family ect. during the time we were apart, she had fallen in love with this married man and that was the reason to move back. after thousands of dollars to move back, I took a job working for this man (he retired from the service and started a landscaping business). we continued to visit him and his wife, ride motorcycles and couples. my daughter bcame VERY distant to me and I took a different job which required me to be away all week. on valentines day she called me to tell me she wanted a divorce. I went into panic mode and quit a high paying, stable job to be home. she was very distant to me, even mean. my daughter seeing my pain avoided me, my son was very angry at his mother. I one day took half a day off my new job to visit her and she wasnt at work. her car was there so I called her, she said she took half a day off to go read in the park, I could here she was in a car. i went down town and low and behold, i passed them in his truck. I called and asked if she was with joe, she said no. I called him to see what he was doing and he told me billing then going to see his sick wife at the hospital. I called her back and said I heard she was with him. she got very fustrated and headed back to work. I pulled right next to her when she got out of the truck. he called me the next day to tell me they were just friends, he was talking to her about his wife, he had just found out his wife had been given 6 months to live and was upset. I believed him because I know that she was very ill. when I asked my wife about his wifes diagnosis, she looked at me like I had 2 heads. my daughter then told her mother that joe did sleep with her and about 14 other girls he recruited. my wife confronted him with it and he did admit it. even after that, she still blames me for her affair, tells me she is “in love” with him, his wife found out and she blamed me for that(i wanted to tell her but felt worse for his wife because of her illness)and I have been on this roller coaster for months. am I a fool that I still have great love for her, our anniversary is today and I still have an urge to give her a teddybear like I have for the past 22 years. I dont know if I should seek help, just ride it out, keep trying to get her back. I am so so confused, angry, sad, tired all the time and hurt. I have forgiven her for this, truly. I could never forgive him for what he did to the 2 woman I love, my wife and my daughter. I did find out this all started over a 500.00 bet between 2 recruiters – who could get in the pants of 1 of them first,double or nothing for both. my wife still doesn’t believe that even after I told her the names of the people who told me about the bet (6 other recruiters in that office). I miss her terrible, my family is broken and divided and I feel so lost. any one have suggestions or input??? could really use it at this time
October 23rd, 2009 at 9:35 pmThis post has truly represented my every feeling. My husband and I just got married in July 09 after a “off again, on again ” 7 yr relationship. I truly thought that God had answered my prayers and blessed me with the man I’ve always loved. He has 2 children from a previous relationship and I have 1 child from a previous relationship. Our family of 5 was right out of a movie! However, for the entire year he was frustrated about our wedding plans, didn’t take part and treated me like the plague. Our wedding day was beautiful, but there was something missing. 5 days shy of our 2nd month of marriage, I received an email on facebook from someone that I went to high school with, informing me that she’s been sleeping with my husband for 3 months. When she approached him about being married, he denied it! She sent hiim the picture and he responded ” the marriage isn’t important”. Needless to say, I went absolutely crazy and kicked him out of the house that night. I’ve experienced every emotion described in dealing with grief. I feel lost, alone and really just want to sleep all the time. How could he do this to me? I think I want him back out of desperation, because I’m 35yrs old and waited all of this time to marry the man of my dreams. But I also still love him and I feel like a fool. I feel as though my family is feeling sorry for me and are disappointed in me. I truly feel like a failure. What do I do? What are my next steps? Somebody help me.
October 27th, 2009 at 1:27 pmI have just found out that my husband has been having an affair for the last 3 years. This is not the first time it has happened.I know I should leave him but I still love him. We have been married for 21 years and to my knowledge he has had 2+ affairs. He has also been texting 2 other women at the same time as this 3 year affair was going on. He has told me that he loves me and he does not know why he does it, he does not want to leave and does not want me to leave. I feel so stupid,hurt,betrayed and a first class idiot for staying. Why can I not just leave? Totally lost and confused.
October 31st, 2009 at 1:20 amI’ve just found out my wife is having an affair. The hardest thing to deal with is all the lies. She’s still denying shes even met him and that it’s flirty texts, but from the texts etc I’ve found I know it’s not. She’s also still continuing it and thinks I don’t know. I look at her and think who are you? I don’t know her, the person I married wouldn’t do this. I can’t see any future in the relationship and want the split to be as easy as is possible. I will always love her, but feel this will never be reurned.
November 4th, 2009 at 8:55 pmI just found out that my husband is having an affair with an old friend. I am ready to confront him. I need to know what to say to him if he comes back with excuses. I take this seriously and I am afraid he is going to laugh and say it is nothing. I know better.
November 7th, 2009 at 12:15 pmMy wife left me last year on june the 18th 2008. she was on drugs heavy for a while but she continued to see me while she lived at her mother’s house. we have been married for 18 years. we have three kids 19,17,16. she left for really no reason but to find herself and get off of pills. Then in febuary of 2009 she came home after her and her mother had a dispute. She was clean and was the most beautiful person i knew. It was like living 10 years ago with her. She found a new job and met a guy and started an afair in june. I confonted her and she moved out with him but still was seeing me.Then she came home and said she wanted to work things out i told her that i forgave her and pretented nothing had happened once we had talked about the details. Three weeks later i found out she was seeing another man. On oct 1 2009 she moved out with him he is much older and has a little money.Currently i have no job and things are tight. But she still comes and sees me and says she is confused sbout her feelings. one week she loves me and calls daily and the next week she acts like it bothers her that i call her. i love her so much and have seen the person she can be. I miss that person so much but i don’t know what to do. i don’t want to let her go but she is killing me inside. I can forgive her if she would stop and try to change. She has told me she likes it where she is right now but she says that might change.I’m afraid if i get out of her life she will move on.I don’t want to be a door mat either or waste anymore time if she does not come back. She want give me any direct answer on how she feels it always changes.She is my everything we have been through so much i can’t let go. I have never turned my back on her in 18 yrs she has lost jobs, been arrested, had 4 affairs moved out 5 times but i kind of feel sorry for her. I thought the pills made her act this way but she has not been high for about 3 months. No i don’t do drugs or have ever. I would feel guilty for turning my back on her but i don’t know how much more i can take.My kids have accepted their mother behavoir a long time ago but i just want her to do the right thing and she can rebuild her relationships over time. i guess my question is should i hang in there or let go? I have all but died as a person and die more everyday but i feel like i have so much invested in this marraige and have went through so much that if i quit now the past will be for nothing. signed lost soul
November 27th, 2009 at 8:52 pmWhy am I holding on? My husband has been having an affair for the last 3 years. I have confronted him and her over and over again with no change. I am met everytime that I find a hidden cell phone, or unexplained activities on credit cards, etc., with, “You are crazy and just imagining it all! We are just friends.” Just friends….that famous saying that the offending spouse seems to love to throw out there, that never has the ring of truth to it.
Over the course of the last 3 years, we have lost everything. He ran the business into the ground, he devastated us financially and now we are dealing with a horrible, near fatal accident that our daughter was involved in. During all of this, he has accepted zero responsibility for anything. Everything is my fault and he treats both me and our daughter like we don’t matter to him. Most of you that are involved in affairs have said, “Well, you need to address the issues of the marriage, or you need to get a life,” or some other flippant answer. My question to all of you is…”why won’t he leave and let me and my daughter live our lives in peace?” Why won’t he go be with her? If he wants her so badly, why won’t he just go? Why does he continue to treat us badly? Is this some kind of control thing? Do people involved in affairs feel good about themselves when they hurt their families? Why does he want me and my daughter to leave the home that she grew up in so that he can be free? It makes absolutely no sense to me. I have no where to go. I trusted him with the finances of the family because we both worked in the business together, and now everything is gone. I have no way out. Was it his intention to put me in this situation so that he could have his cake and eat it too? Could this be a product of narcissistic personality disorder? Does he really not see what he is doing to the people around him?
August 13th, 2010 at 6:31 amGee #40, wish everyone was perfect like you. You can’t pin all the blame on the other woman/man. I mean, it might make you feel good to do so, but it is misplaced. The person having the affair is to blame as well. Additionally, and more unpopular, the spouse of the person having the affair shares some blame as well. Affairs don’t happen in a vaccuum; something was missing from the primary relationship. As often happens the spouse is distant or unavailable; as a result the conditions are ripe for an affair. People need an emotional and physical connection with someone else, spouse or otherwise.
August 20th, 2010 at 2:31 pm