Can Relationships That Start as Affairs Succeed?
I came across an interesting statistic recently; 25% of relationships that start as affairs succeed. Actually, I was surprised, if I had to guess, I would have thought the figure to be much lower. But a statistic is just that, and doesn’t tell you anything about your own individual situation.
Feeling torn between two lovers can be an agonizing experience. Besides the guilt, and fear of discovery, you also know that sooner or later you will have to lose someone you love or have loved. Thinking about this, you may wonder what the chances are that a relationship that starts as an affair will succeed.
Pitfalls of Affair Relationships
Relationships that start as affairs have many strikes against them.
Many affairs are like rebound relationships. They can arise out of an urgent emotional need, a need so urgent that a thoughtful process of getting to know someone and assessing what kind of partnership the two of you would have is not part of the bonding process. Rebound and affair relationships frequently have rescue fantasies attached to them, these fantasies can be overpowering and cloud your vision.
Sometimes relationships that start as affairs serve as an escape from difficult interpersonal dynamics in the primary relationship. Succumbing to the fantasy that the new relationship will be free of conflict or other emotional difficulties can be a setup for another failed relationship. We tend to repeat patterns over and over until we come to understand ourselves. Learning to see relationship problems as a dynamic between two people, rather than the fault of only one partner is important for the success of any couple.
Trust is the foundation of successful relationships. Another reason why many affair relationships fail is that it is difficult to deeply trust someone who has started the relationship by being unfaithful and deceitful with someone else. You can’t help but understand that their solution to a difficult interpersonal situation was betrayal. In the initial blissful stage, it might be unimaginable that they could do the same thing to you, or that you could do the same thing to them, but once you hit the stresses of real everyday life, things can feel different and much less secure. Imagine you or your partner has to go on a lot of out of town business trips some years into the relationship during a time when you are struggling with conflict. What do you imagine you and your partner feeling?
There is also the issue of not having the support of family and friends. Having long-term successful relationships are difficult enough without trying to do them in a vacuum. Acceptance is usually won over eventually, but it can take a long time. Your new partner may truly be a wonderful person but many friends and family that are close to you are going to be so prejudiced that it will be hard to give the new person a chance. You face going from the bliss of secrecy into a tailspin of conflict with many people at once. Of course, you face this once the affair is disclosed, no matter who you end up with, but it is less awful if you are attempting to repair the damage with your primary partner. This is not to say that you should make your decisions based on what others would think or feel. But it is important to honestly assess your affair and think about whether this relationship could stand this kind of stress. Can the two of you exist in a relatively socially isolated situation for some time?
Losing a long-term partner, even if things feel bad, is still a loss and needs to be grieved. New lovers vary on how willing and able they are to cope with your grief over losing your partner. You may stuff these feelings in order to maintain the new relationship, only to discover down the line that you have many unresolved feelings about your partner that are interfering in your new relationship.
The question of whether the new relationship will succeed relates to what function it is playing in your relationship with your partner. If you have the kind of primary relationship where you initially experienced a significant amount of time where you were mutually in love and satisfied with the relationship and then grew apart because of life stresses or conflict and you entered the affair to experience being in love again, this does not bode well for the long term success of the affair relationship. That is because almost all relationships follow a predictable course of developmental stages, all at some point going through a period of disillusionment which, if you can get through, lets you out into the side of a mature, dependable and sustaining love based on reality rather than romantic idealization. If you deal with the disillusionment by betraying the commitment you have made, then you may not have the tools to navigate this stage which is waiting for you down the road in your new relationship.
Affair Relationships That Have a Better Chance of Success
If, however, your primary relationship/marriage was somehow “wrong” from the beginning; if one or both of you weren’t in love, if it was a marriage of convenience, or if it has been mostly miserable or abusive, if it was simply to escape loneliness or have children, that is a different story, and could truly be about having not been equipped at that time in your life to make an appropriate choice for a life partner. Admitting the reality of these situation is painful because you can still feel very attached (as distinct from connected) to this person and the idea of leaving can fill you with dread of the loss of security this relationship has provided.
In my experience, these relationships are very hard to repair. Meeting someone when you are more mature, know yourself better and have learned how to have relatively healthy relationships (maybe you have been in therapy by now) certainly can bode well for a promising future together. Meeting someone who you are genuinely attracted to and at the same time respect, who you know genuinely cares for you, with whom you share values and at least a few interests, and with whom you can work through conflicts can be a catalyst for not only a great and lasting new relationship with a new person, but with yourself as well.
For example, if, prior to entering your primary relationship, you had the unconscious belief that you were unlovable, or didn’t deserve to be loved, you may have ended up with someone who couldn’t really give you love. If you have changed, but your partner has not, and you now believe you deserve to be loved, (and are truly willing to give love in return) you will be attracted to the kind of person who would be capable of this kind of reciprocity. The whole foundation for your relationship would be quite different than what you have experienced before.
What Next?
With all of this said, I believe that in most cases the most promising path is to separate the question of whether you want to end things with your current partner from whether you want to have a relationship with this new person. If the aloneness that this entails feels too intolerable to you, talking to a professional might be very helpful. Admittedly, it is truly the road less traveled but most often has the richest rewards.
For example, if, prior to entering your primary relationship, you had the unconscious belief that you were unlovable, or didn’t deserve to be loved, you may have ended up with someone who couldn’t really give you love. If you have changed, but your partner has not, and you now believe you deserve to be loved, (and are truly willing to give love in return) you will be attracted to the kind of person who would be capable of this kind of reciprocity. The whole foundation for your relationship would be quite different than what you have experienced before.
This is me!
September 28th, 2008 at 5:21 amI wonder what people may make of this: I have been in a relationship that has lasted about 20 years. We broke up at about 2.5 years because she wanted to get married and wondered why I hadn’t popped the question. Too much nagging, not enough sex etc. We broke up. A few months later, we got back together and after a few more years, got engaged. We got married in the eighth year and have been married ever since. We have nearly broken up more than a few times over various issues, with a number of threats to leave if I didn’t do or not do something to alleviate a perceived problem. In any case, we got conselling and ended up having two great kids. During our life I have had a couple of extra marital affairs that were more centered around the connection with someone else rather than sex. (although I never really got much of that after the first year or so) I know she had a fling on a holiday without me just after we got back together and it always annoyed me that when presented with the evidence, she still chose to only ‘partially’ admit to it. Anyway, I now find myself in a new affair only this time its with someone who is in almost every way, exactly the person I have always longed for. Not just the things in common, the similar likes etc, but the shared view of the world and of life. While I’ve been deceptive in the past and now, I have a great desire to live an honest existance with this person. I am getting so much from this relationship, however on so many levels it is wrong. What I don’t understand is that while I have obvious benefit and issues etc, she is outwardly happy with her marriage. She says she is happy but wants to be with me too. There is an amazing connection with this person but she is somehow happy at home. I am a fool and probably deluded as I’m so wishing for someone like this to be in my life – but I obviously don’t wish to share! How can two people have such an obvious connection and so much in common yet one is still apparently happy at home? They still do lots together, have a lot of sex, have lots of friends, things in common etc. There are a lot of down sides to her being discovered (as there are with me) – so what does she get out of this relationship if its not sex, she doesn’t need another complication and she demonstrates the care of someone who wants to be with me? What am I missing? I am so happy to have met her and so heartbroken that I cant really have her. I have turmoil in my own marriage, but still want it to work in preference to this affair, but years of trouble tell me I might end up single anyway… I really am lost and confused. Any constructive thoughts welcome!
October 7th, 2008 at 5:56 amYou should have broke it off in the beginning prior to entering into marriage. I have no sympathy for an adulter who only thinks of himself and wants only their own needs satisfied at all others expense. Thank goodness you did not have children. You are the type that need to remain single and lonely.
October 7th, 2008 at 8:08 pmIt is great to hear some men’s views for a change. I have been seeing a married man for a year and a half, I love him and he says he loves me, we talk and see each other at every opportunity, he says he is leaving his wife and kids been married 20 years, but he cannot make that step, he wants to live on his own at first for six months as he does not want his separation to be seen that he has been having an affair, he cannot hurt them, he has moved out briefly on several occasions usually resulting in his kids persuading him to come back, he is in anguish all the time trying to commit to me and with troubles at home and just recently he has ended it with me when things got difficult and he was quite blunt in doing so. Eventually it all became too hard for him I have not pushed him towards this separation plan and I can understand him wanting to live alone with shared custody of his kids. I can’t understand why people cannot be with the person they love but stay in less than fulfilling relationships for security & money reasons and putting on a face for family and friends. I can understand staying for the kids but if the household is unhappy what then? If you are not happy with your partner you should always seek someone who makes you happy regardless of the consequences, I don’t think your other lady looks like she will be leaving her marriage at least you know that up front, not like me who has been told one thing but will never know if any of it were true. Good luck!
November 7th, 2008 at 3:21 amI’ve been married for 3 months now.
November 27th, 2008 at 8:56 pmBefore we married, I found out by myself that my girlfriend (that is now my wife) slept with two different guys. She told me that she doesn’t love them. I’m about to break up with her, but after so long of struggles and fights and tears, she confinced me to go on the relationship.
Now that we have married, facts apparently revealed by itself and it shows that she was in a deep relationship with one of the guys.
I’m shocked, for the second time for her lies.
I’ve been ALWAYS an honest man. Never in my life I cheat on my girlfriend EVER.. I’m afraid to think that my marriage won’t last forever.
Well, I suppose the whole article is making a solid point.
To #4…
People like you are what is wrong with this world. You sacrifice the happiness of your spouse, family, children, etc for your “happiness” which is a relationship started while married and based on lies?
The cheating spouse felt those same “in love feelings” when they married… so why are you any different? The “in love feelings” will eventually wear off with you as well and then maybe he will work on it with you at that point because he won’t want to destroy another set of lives.
Everyone should realize that LOVE IS A CHOICE. You choose who you love and you act in ways to show that love.
Don’t date married men or women. Get a life.
November 29th, 2008 at 10:53 amWith regards to response #2, all I can say is that whoever wrote that, is a very bitter person. The Guy is just confused & it can happen to the best of us. I certainly do not think that he deserves to end up alone & lonely. Everyone finds that special someone and you have to have faith in yourself and stick to people who love you & support you. Good luck. I truly think in time, you will find your true love.
December 13th, 2008 at 3:11 pmI’m currently separated from a marriage that was wrong from the beginning. I was young and there has been lots of abuse throughout the 10 years now. I’m now seeing a married man who’s in a marriage of 20 years. We met through work out of state and found out we lived in the same city. We connected instantly. He also married young and has now realized that they don’t share the same interests but only there for the security and kids. We feel strongly about eachother. We connect in every way. The affair has only been 4 months now and we’ve recently decided to slow it down to figure out our own issues. We both have children to think about that will be affected which will be the most challenging. I do believe a relationship that starts from an affair if handled carefully and properly can work out in the long run. There CAN be 100% trust. Now as mature adults we may have found our sole mate…it’s too soon to tell but it sure feels that way. Why let this slip away…I say grap on tight and see where fate takes us. I disagree with the failing rate, the stats are against us but that gives me more the reason to try harder to make it work. You only live once and I choose to live happy with the right partner regardless of how we met as long as its true love!
For now, we’ll both take it real slow until our marriages are both dissovled and then begin to build a relationship the right way.
December 19th, 2008 at 12:53 amAll,
December 24th, 2008 at 8:42 amFeelings for the other person whom you are haveing an affair with…..First, you can NEVER trust that person in a relationship (how can you, logically?!?!) Second, it should be seen as a something of a business arrangement among both parties (you can tell a stranger your most intimate thoughts but not your spouse…you have to live with them). Third, YOU have to manage your wants and weigh them against reality (be for REAL!!, the only reason YOU get hurt is when you expect something and it doesn’t happen…simply enjoy the other persons company and make no expectations on anyone and move on when it is time without some bullshit argument that you may lose anyway…leave on a high note). I am not advocating an affair nor am I condemning it. It has it’s uses, pros and cons. But know yourself, if you are an obsessive compulsive type…then it could be hard for you and for G-d Sakes get yourself fixed or something! Just because you can reproduce doesn’t mean you should!
Seriously, Ive been married for almost 7 years. I am also now seeing a married man. I only want to be with him and our marriages to the freakshows we are married to go away. This isnt something either one of us went looking for. But we crossed paths and connected. And God knows where we would be today since we both are emotionally abused severely by the idiots we are married too. I dont call it an affair. I have to go to therapy for the depression from the abuse. Im just going to live my life the way I want too.
December 28th, 2008 at 5:42 pmI have been seein a married man for one month now.We met online. We started this relationship with the knowledge that he is married. I am twice divorced and saw this as a non committal type relationship. I am a divorced mother of 4 with twin 15 year old twins still at home. I work and go to college to get my BA. I felt he knows what he is doing and excepts that I know also. Then he mentioned that he loved me, I almost died.I had told him explicitly that that would not be allowed. I feel deeply for him and could love him if he weren’t married. Now he tells me he has told his wife he is leaving her and has been looking for a apartment, and sends me pictures of the places, and asks if I would help him. He said he didn’t want to hurt her, but finds her unbearable when she treats people like servants and is controling. Now, I don’t know what to do, I think I am caring too much and everything I read about being the other woman says we have a slim to none chance to succeed in any type of a meaningful relationship.He has been married for 15 tears and has a 14 and 10 year old. His wife makes more money than he, but he says money isn’t everything. Either I am blind or he is doing everything to show he does want me and will leave his wife.Right now it is wait and see.
January 8th, 2009 at 4:48 pmThose of you that are having an affair with a married person should be ashamed…This person is not avialable to love, this is someones spouse, someones, parent. Do you understand that by your selfish behavior that you are hurting so many poeple that do not deserve this pain! You are robbing from someone, this person is not available to love you freely. You deserve all the heart ache that is coming your way. The spouse will always choose his family!
January 15th, 2009 at 6:53 pmAll,
I personally feel that relationships fail and affairs begin because (I’m generalizing) people either get married before they truly know themselves, they married someone who doesn’t know themselves and/or people grow and evolve in life’s journey and you and your partner fail to recognize the changes and modify your relationship to meet the changing needs. You can marry someone you love very much and it feels right but unless you continue to listen and evolve in the relationship then distance will grow between you. That distance allows the ‘other person’ to enter. You may also love the ‘other person’ but you owe it to your spouse to try and make it work. Start from scratch, seek professional help, build the trust slowly again. There isn’t a quick fix, it takes work to keep a healthy marriage and if you avoid the work for years…it doesn’t go away, you have to do twice as much to get back on track. Fact is you can love many people in your life and if you loved your spouse once then there is a good chance you can light the fire again. On the other hand, if your spouse has evolved into someone you can’t respect or love then you need to end your affair, end your marriage. If your affair was meant to work, it will. If this is your soul mate and your life took a round about way of leading you too them, then taking care of your broken heart and personal issues is the right thing to do for both of you. It will work out if it was meant to be.
January 25th, 2009 at 9:33 pmI also want to comment that this site has way too much negative feedback. Statistically most marriages face infidelity. People that have affairs are not sociopaths and are not ignorant to the fact that their actions are or are going to hurt many people. Telling them that they are scum and horrible human beings is not useful or constructing. One of the largest stress factors in an affair is the knowledge of the pain and betrayal you are causing. The question is ‘WHY’ am I in an affair (and trust me, its not completely your spouses fault) and how or should I fix my marriage. Once you figure this out, if you can. Then you will have a much better chance finding and keeping happiness regardless of whomever you end up with.
As for #2, end the affair, work on fixing your marriage or get out of it. Fix your personal issues and don’t go back to the married woman. She has no intent to leave, you fill a need for her but clearly not a need big enough to end her marriage. I am glad you felt a happy when you did, but you have to suck it up and deal with the issues at hand. Otherwise you will snap and push her to end the relationship and she wont. She’ll break up with you and cut you off from all contact. You will be deeply hurt and take it out on yourself and home life. and you will have learned NOTHING. It is always better to do the leaving than to be left. Sorry, I know this isn’t what you were hoping to hear. Best of luck to you all!
HI, I used to despise affairs. I always think that if there should be an affairs involved in my marriage, it would be my husband. I basically blamed the other woman when I came across any affairs stories in the past. Be careful of what we said because it will just happen to you like what had happened to me. You are right, I was hit. Real bad and still going. I fell right for a married man, deeply. My mind is very logical in every sense and knows that it is wrong but when feelings are involve, I lost my sense. I have tried many ways to let go but still couldn’t. I still believe should leave him in anyways but it is just so hard. I am very tired indeed to fight against my feeling. So, I am letting it be for awhile. I’m doing nothing now and we are still in contact. Feeling is still there. I’m just waiting for it to go away. My feeling for this man has been one and a half year. I stop counting really. So believe me, I think many of us do not go hunting for an affairs. If I have a choice to control my feelings, I do not want to be in this situation. It is not easy and most of the time I struggle. Now, I stop judging people in everything because it will get to you someday.
February 24th, 2009 at 7:20 amHow sad that people will do this to another person a person they claim to love and should be honset with. My husband has been or currently is in an affair he claims to have ended a year ago. but recently had many phone conversatations with her. And each time he tells me it is nothing that she means nothing to him yet he cant seem to stop the communcation with her- cant seem to let go of the relationship.
March 8th, 2009 at 5:31 pmI am very willing to let him go and let him live his life but he won’t let me go, he promises and promises to stop and since we have been together for 36 years it is hard to imagine my life alone, but each time I find out it becomes alittle easier- i just wished that i had the what it takes to free my feelings from him.
To those you have affairs or thinking about having an affair…seek counseling before starting an affair. Seek counseling as an individual and or as a couple. Confide in your counselor about your misgivings, your desires, wants, needs, and so forth, they can help you sort things out and possibly work on a marriage that you think is failing. Find out what it is with your marriage is lacking or what is going on inside of you, that you are seeking in someone else. I was blind-sided by my husbands affair. It took place shortly after the birth of our daughter (she was only 4 months old) and I’m convinced he wasn’t prepared for the lack of attention he was receiving from me because I was taking care of an infant. He wasn’t ready for the responsibility of being a parent. He also wasn’t shown what a family life is; he came from a broken home and his parents were around. Had he made any motion to seek counseling or brought his thoughts to my attention I would have been there every step of the way to help, fix, support, whatever I could do to help save our marriage. Give your spouse credit and the chance to be supportive, I’m sure most would oblige. I’m currently going through a divorce and it’s terrible, however I know myself well enough to know I cannot trust someone who has deceived me so terribly.
March 20th, 2009 at 5:18 pmWhen I met my husband I was young, deep into drinking and drugs. For me partying was the first priority, everything else was secondary. From the get go I never had a physical attraction to him but he was a good friend and tolerated my insanity. He never had everything I needed from a relationship but I chocked it up to my own insecurities and shoved those feelings down. They would rear their ugly head from time to time, I would leave or I would drive him to leave. We always ended up reconciling because the relationship wasn’t ultimately that bad.
Now that I am older the storm of my past life has come and gone. I no longer need him as the “rock” in my life. I made the conscious decision to change me for me, put my plan in action and never looked back. I love him for what he’s done for me and helped me achieve, but looking back at our relationship I don’t think I ever really loved him the way a wife should love a husband.
Enter the lover. This man is everything I have ever dreamed of. The things I tried to explain to my husband that I needed him to do in the relationship to feel fulfilled this man does, and does effortlessly. I did not know what love was until I met him. We fought our feelings for each other for what seems like an eternity but the attraction is so strong that neither of us could stop the progression. We are completely and utterly in love with one another. We are both want to believe we are leaving our spouses (yes, he’s married too) not for one another, but for ourselves. Neither of us planned on this happening but it did and now we’re making the best of the $hit situation that we’re in.
March 29th, 2009 at 6:28 pm“To those you have affairs or thinking about having an affair…seek counseling before starting an affair. ”
Whoever said this clearly has no idea that most affairs are not intentional. Therefore if you don’t know that something is going to happen then can realistically set up an appointment with a Therapist with the anticipation that you’re goint to have one? Of course you cannot plan to go to a therapist because you didn’t know that this was going to happen or that it would go this far!
April 27th, 2009 at 12:41 pmI had/have been happily married for 25 years when I met my best friend, at work. We think the same way, look at life the same way, and generally could be “two peas in a pod”. I truely believe he is my soul mate. How can that be? We are both happily married and long marriages, too. Over 25 for me and over 30 for him. I had hit a rough insecure patch and was willing to be with him in any way, but until I realized I was in love with him with the capital “L” he wouldn’t touch me. We work at the same place, different departments, and rarely cross paths during the day. He is my best friend, and I think I am his. Niether of us are willing to hurt our spouses or leave them. He is the person I’ve always needed, though. How do I handle that?
May 12th, 2009 at 4:02 pmPlease, handle it by trying to address your own marriage first (without this other man in the picture….drop him completely and drop him NOW), and get a different job so you don’t see him. End your contact with him. See if your marriage can be helped by meeting each other’s needs. Get counseling, read books about affairs and about meeting each others needs, work on it, communicate. Don’t break up your marriage or this other guy’s marriage because of this affair. Talk with your husband! If your needs aren’t being met, his probably aren’t either. Try to reach deep down into your feelings WITH your husband (not separate from him). Your thinking is not clear right now, because you’re so wrapped up in someone “new and exciting” feeling this way about you…it’s a big self-esteem booster. But look out…when your husband finds out, it’s going to drop his self-esteem right over the cliff. You’re going to crash his world like nothing else ever has. Same with the other man’s wife. When he realizes how badly he’s crushed her and hurt her, you’re probably going to be history, and he’ll partially blame you for the devastation to his wife.
May 18th, 2009 at 1:49 pmI am the single mother to a 1 year old who lost his father to an affair. He not only turned his back on his wife, but on his 6 month old son. I don’t understand how anyone could rationalize cheating on your spouse. When you commit to marriage, you are committing your lives to each other. To decide to have children is an even bigger committment. It is not okay to one day change your mind because life doesn’t seem to revolve around you anymore. Marriage is a partnership, a give and take. When there are problems, get a set and address them. Think about the effects your selfishness are going to have on those you supposedly care about.
June 30th, 2009 at 3:38 pmI married at 26 to a man that I was convinced I would raise a family and spend the rest of my life with. Shortly after marriage, the “true” man came out. He had been verbally and emotionally abused as a child and never would face his demons. Instead, he chose to take them out on me in the same ways that he was abused. I discovered that I had become pregnant on our honeymoon, and nine months later, gave birth to our baby boy. I endured 8 years of emotional and verbal abuse from a man who refused to admit that he had emotional issues and get help. In our eighth year of marriage, I met a man who made me realize that I was not to blame for the abuse my husband endured as a child. He and I were friends for one year before any “feelings” were admitted. He had been married for 15 years, and I had then been married for 9 years. People can say what they want to say, but until you are in someone’s shoes it is hard to understand what they go through. I was raised by a single mother until I was 15, and that is when she married my stepfather. They have a wonderful relationship, and I always told myself that I would never divorce. I didn’t believe in it, and I never thought that I would do that to my son. I have now been divorced for over 1 year, and my son is the most well adapted child anyone could ask for. After the divorce, my ex-husband seeked help and is the best father anyone could ask for. He admits that if he would have seeked help earlier that maybe it would have saved our marriage. As for me and my soul mate, we are planning our wedding in the fall. He is wonderful with my son, and he is everything I could ever ask for. I think that sometimes people come together in circumstances that aren’t necessarily “right”, but may that it’s right after all. Am I naive? I don’t think so…I agree that in the beginning the “trust” issue had to be addressed. Do I believe that it could resurface? Absolutely, but we have agreed that we will never let anything get us to the point that we don’t talk to each other first. Marriage is about commitment, I agree, but no one should have to live in a loveless and abusive relationship when they have done everything to help the one they loved but they didn’t want the help until it was over.
July 12th, 2009 at 2:42 pmMy husband and I have been together for 8 years. Our relationship was the kind that many couples dream of and I’m not being delusional. We had trust, commitment , honesty, friendship, great sex, we even laughed everyday. We rarely argued and always came to a resolution we both agreed on. I’m 30 and he’s 32 and we have a one year old girl and another girl on the way. I have been blind sighted because 2 months ago I discovered he had feelings for his 25 year old boss. She is not very attractive but she’s super rich and after a group trip to vegas that my husband went on I had a gut feeling something had happened. He was sober for 8 months but drank in vegas and from what I heard was all over her. This is extremely out of his character because he has been infatuated with me. I was the one that would flirt or have small crushes, he’s reserved and respectful. Well for a couple of weeks they carried on an emotional affair but I caught on quick because his behavior was different towards me. After I confronted him he took a week away to figure out his thoughts. He honestly felt that because he had only had feelings for me for 8 years that this girl must be something special-worth losing me and his family over apparently. I disagreed but when he told me he wanted to work thru it with me I was relieved. Fast forward to a month ago. On his last day of work he called me telling me he was confused still and was going to sleep over at a friends. I knew something was up. I put my sleeping daughter in the car and tracked him down only to find him at her house. She answered the door topless and he was lying naked in her bed. I am now 7 months pregnant and completely heartbroken and stunned. He has now abandoned our family but continues to pay my living expenses and sees our girl twice a week. He is very disconnected and disrespectful to me. He continues his sexual relationship with her and dotes her around in public. It’s as if he has no remorse but on a few occasions where he broke down. He’s lost friends and respect from family which I know bugs him because he’s always been put on a pedastole. He is acting like a different person and I know he’s off the wagon but I wonder if other drugs are involved due to his erratic behavior. I am trying to move on but I’m having a hard time realizing that he has moved on so quickly and I haven’t even delivered our second child. We were having great sex up until the day I discovered him in bed with her, and he even says he was happy in our marriage but his feeling for her were too strong. He never gave us (his family) a chance. I don’t think he was planning on getting caught, but does this situation make any sense? I don’t want to be with him but his treatment towards me makes me bitter and I despise him. I don’t even want him as my friend but now we have to share 2 children. Most of all I don’t want this stupid whore around my children so I’m hoping his relationship with her won’t work. His decision to leave and cheat seems so hasty that I feel he my want to come back eventually. Fuck him.
July 17th, 2009 at 11:15 pmI wonder …….. what will you say to God when he ask you
August 6th, 2009 at 2:52 pm“Why when I gave you the Love of Your Life did you say No to this gift”
Sometimes we meet this person early in our lives, but most of the time it is when we have grown and matured, made some mistakes and grown into who we are…that is when God rewards you some call it finding their Soul Mate so just know he/she is the One. It does not happen to everyone that there be a new love but for the very special God does give you that gift.
Thank you to whomever wrote #24. It is a very nice way of looking at the true love that can be given to you.
August 17th, 2009 at 8:22 amYou do not go looking for an affair, or at least I did not. It just happened.I have been married for more then 30 years and the other person has been married for 25. Neither of us looking for divorce. It is srictly an affair of attraction. I know this sounds dirty and sordid, but it is what it is. My knew motto, never say never. I was always one of those people that looked down on those who cheated. I deal with my guilt and remorse every day and know that I should put an end to it, but can’t.
September 10th, 2009 at 2:13 pmI have been married for 23 years. then one day my husband said he had met someone else and was leaving me. This has happened and he left me and our 11 year old daughter. I cried for two months. We both had marriage counselling. He is not seeing her anymore. But is not ready to come back. We live apart now and I don’t know how things will go. We have been living apart for 4 months now, working things out. The trouble is now I have fallen for a man who is also married. He has only been married for 3 1/2 years and married because he been on his own for 7 years and felt he should because I suppose he was lonely. He had also been married at a young age because he got his girlfriend pregnant and married her, his daughter is now 16. It didn’t work out. I thought I loved my husband we are both kind people have been great friends. But was never even in the beginning explosive, like this. My husband never had a very high libido, which I have. I have never been very attracted to my husband also, but still loved him. Now this other man, there is nothing I don’t like about him. The physical side is matched and is incredible. The coversation over the last 3 months is fantastic. We are both great communicators and laugh all the time. He is always on my mind. Is it the real thing. I would still go back to my husband, because for my daughters sake I feel I should.But also I love my husband and am grateful to him for looking after me all these years. This man wasn’t supposed to happen. I was working at going back to my husband. This man is married, but he has never been in love. I think he is now for the first time. He is 48, I am 41 and it has happened for the both of us. I wonder what will happen. I just don’t know.
September 12th, 2009 at 6:48 amI am one of those women who has stayed married for my kids and family. I was the one who did it all.. I married the wrong guy I was so hurt from my first love I married someone who I knew could never hurt me…. he is my best friend but the attraction has always been as freinds for me but i was a good wife and always put his needs above mine when our last daughter got married I felt so empty and so not alive no passion in my life since i was 18.. my own daughter said mom your beautiful let yourself fall in love your stronger now and the hurt is so worth the feelings of joy…. i prayed that if god wanted me to find the man of my dreams he would send him to me…. bam one day there he was the new nieghbours it was instant for him as well we can both remember the day… yes we are both still married but we both know we have to be together… and want to make it as painless as possible for the other people but i have never felt more alive and happy and i can’t believe at this age you can still have those feelings… we both know we love eachother and both married for all the wrong reasons and put our families first but the connection was so strong we couldn’t help but confess our fellings weeks after we met… it was crazy… I believe when ou marry not for love yu spend your whole life seeking it and when yu find it boy oh boy u can’t let go
September 30th, 2009 at 3:53 pmFound out my much-loved husband was having affair with local woman in small town.He ended it and is doing his best to gain my trust and respect.However I still don’t understand why he did it, he swears he has never stopped loving me so how could he hurt somebody he loves so much and risk destroying a fantastic family who adore him. I took him back because I was so ashamed of his behaviour, I simply did not want people to know that he could do such a horrible thing. What makes the situation far more difficult for me is that I know the lady really well, I teach her children and our children are all the same age and involved in the same activities/sports in this same small town. I decided not to tell her husband as I hoped everything would just settle down and I didnt want her kids affected by what I may start if I were to tell him, plus I was afraid of how he may react and what he may do to my husband. I’m very bothered by all this nearly 10 months on and seeing her nearly every day of the week doesn’t help. What should I do
October 8th, 2009 at 3:19 am#29, tell her husband. He has a right to know.
In fact, all you people cheating, you should tell your spouses. They have a right to know. If the affair really is true love and a gift from God, then it will all turn out perfect, right? If you have become as mature as you claim, then being an adult and being honest to those you have an obligation to is the mature adult thing to do.
However, I am not so sure God operates with lies and deceit, and not so sure mature adults running around to cars, hotel rooms, and broom closets while texting and emailing their undying love, soul-mate connection, and convincing themselves it is ok is very mature, either. The selfishness of an affair is neither Godlike nor mature. Perhaps that is just me.
November 22nd, 2009 at 7:08 pmJust be careful. If the married person leaves the spouse, they could live to regret it later, because love is something underneath and not a feeling. They could be acting on impulse, boredom through lack of communication, and feelings.
Suddenly they miss what they had with the former spouse and find out that these “feelings” they have for the affair partner do not last either when reality and the daily routines hit.
I have heard of this many times. How can you trust anyone who acts out their feelings like this anyway? They almost always lie to their spouses and affair partners. How can you trust an affair partner?
November 22nd, 2009 at 10:49 pmWhat tickles me is people keep trying to bring God into an affair. Seems like its because of their lack of relationship with God that they are having an affair to begin with! God was VERY CLEAR..Thy shall not commit adultery. Simple! Stop trying to excuse your bad behavior by dragging God into your adulterous mess! Adultery is filthy, deceitful, hurtful and wrong. None of that God gives passage to. UGH!
December 15th, 2009 at 5:58 pmI have been married for 9 years together with my spouse for 13 total. I married him for the wrong reasons i had been hurt and thought he was a good guy who would take care of me and never hurt me. Well even though he didnt hurt me we have grown apart and we are in the process of a seperation/divorce. i met a married man who at first i said no to but couldn’t resist after awhile. he is having a bad relationship too and was disconnected from his wife as well. There is a reason we met and cheated. i fully believable that people who are truely happy dont cheat and there are reasons for it. Now i am making changes and trying to move on from my husband and he says he is planning on leaving but cant make that step.. we have been together 8 months and i dont know if i am just being stupid and waiting for him.. I LOVE HIM!! But i dont want to wake up and say why did i wait? i am divorcing my husband no matter what i just feel like what the other man is saying to and what he does are going to be two different things..
December 16th, 2009 at 9:58 amMy best friend has been having an affair the entire time he has been married. I believe he should tell his wife the truth and face whatever consequence. He says he loves this other woman. She is getting tired of waiting. He should just man up, tell the truth and move on
December 21st, 2009 at 7:10 pmi hate women who justify this behavior. what do you mean it just happened. u chose 2 let it happen. have you heard of self control? some of these stories.married women w married man.people r so screwed up. go to church. do some sould searching and get a grip.
bottom line is since the bond of a affair is typically a problem bond its not a solid foundation as it would be with someone single.how do u expect your doomed relationship to work out. wake up…
February 1st, 2010 at 4:24 pmI have been with a man since I was sixteen years old and I am now thirty years old. We have two children together.I worshiped the ground he walked on for years and would never cheat or even talk to another man. Six years ago he had an affair with our neighbor and had a child. Ever since I found out about the affair and the child our relationship is diminishing. I have grown so far apart from him and a part of me hates him. The resentment I have towards him is so deep and I believe I dont love him anymore.I met a wonderful man recently and want to pack my stuff up and leave. I want so badly to be with this other man and I feel like I am falling in love with him. I have been miserable for so long and just want happiness in my life. The pain of an affair is horrible but when a child comes out of it the pain is indescribable. I am desperatly needing advice from anyone that can give it to me.
February 13th, 2010 at 6:25 pmMy husband of 16 years- found a woman from another state on line- now he left me and our teenagers. he does not want a divorce, but everything is my fault- he chooses her over over our kids. He moved out 10 weeks ago and has spent 4 weeks with her and less than 4 days total with his children. he lives in our state- she lives on the west coast. She broke up her marriage from him all he did was move out for her. she is his soul mate and has money. We had debt and life issues. Will it last? Should i take him back? All he does is blame me and lie.
February 18th, 2010 at 10:08 amI left my spouse and my former boyfriend left his spuose and we moved out together, and we attempted to live happily after. Karma has come around to bite the both of us. I broke up with him to get right with God and eventually moved out, and he felt I was abandoning him. We finally reconciled but decided we would not be intimate until the divorces were final. Then he became a little too overwhelming and I broke it off with him and ended up seeing one of my old boyfriends (short term). This devastated my ex tremendously and then he begin seeing someone. Bottomline, the hurt that we gave to our spouses was eventually turned on us. I am not daming anyone, but I can say from experience that we all reap what we sow. This man has now moved on to another woman after only two days of our being separated and calls her his “soul mate” and he has done some awful things to me on behalf of her emotions. Bottomline, I started on a complete high and I have now reached lows that I never knew possible. Be careful what you do to others, it comes back. Many of us do not like to be alone, but the true solution is to be still and not in a relationship for a while to learn yourself, only then can you give you to someone else. regards.
February 19th, 2010 at 5:23 amKudos to #13 posting. Life is a journey of learnings, with the highest regard paid not to those that live a perfect existence, but to those who overcome and learn from their experiences. It is easy to cast stones on others, but true insight only comes when you open your eyes to the fact that everyone leads a different life, and most try their best to do the right thing. You should not judge people, all you can do is try and understand actions.
Affairs are symptoms of greater problems in the primary relationship and in those people that are participating in the secondary relationship. Understanding it and trying to fix and move beyond those issues are the goal. Where that takes you depends on your relationships, your beliefs, and your ability to honestly face who you are and what you are feeling.
If I had one piece of advice, coming from someone who has seen and been through it all, it would be to slow down your life and take this opportunity to learn what it is you are missing, what you really want from a relationship, and to realize that all you truly need you can find within yourself – independent of anyone or anything.
I encourage people to reserve their judgement on others actions and look inward to find the answers. I wish you all peace with your situations – remember that most things tend to work out for the best.
February 22nd, 2010 at 6:56 pmEnding a marriage and coming to the realization that it is over is a tough road but sometimes it needs to end especially if two people are on two different tracks. I met a friend(old boyfriend) from 35 years ago when a mutual friend brought us together just before he passed away. My marriage was on the way out and he is divorced just looking to enjoy life again. We have been in contact since for about 7 months and did have one night of an affair. We talk on phone daily and realize that we have a connection but know we need to take things slow. I need to end my marriage not for him but because I am not happy anymore long before the affair. But I will not use him as a rebound and have told him that. We do not live in the same state and we do understand that and respect each other for that. If it is meant to be when everything is said and done than so be it. We do share alot of things in common and I am seeing a counselor for this so take things slow and work though the emotional ride and if meant to be he will be there in the end. If not you have to be happy life is too short.
March 10th, 2010 at 2:23 amWow!I feel compelled to type something but I don’t know what. Every soul is hurting here for some reason or another. What I entered into was a choice. I have never done anything like this before. You all seem to use the word soulmate when describing your lover. We all seem to have the same feelings toward our lovers. Most of us do not leave because we do not want to hurt our families, children or spouses. I beat myself up every single day for what I am doing but I cannot give it up. I am 41 and he is 48 so we are not young. So I continue and wait for judgement day. I have seen several therapists and been down that road. Just waiting for the boom!
March 15th, 2010 at 8:52 amThis is not an easy situation. I wish you all luck.
March 22nd, 2010 at 8:26 pmFor those of you who have not experienced an affair from either side, please do not judge those who do. Affairs just happen. I have been the receiving spouse of a husband who had an affair and was devistated when I found out. Now almost 20 years after that divorce, I am currently involved with a married man who I find myself very much in love with. I am realistic in that he is married and will always be. Today is for today and tomorrow is promised to no one. I am living my life to the fullest and he fills that part of my life where I have found no other. We are careful and I never wish his wife to know. I do not want her to feel that pain. So, to those of you who condemn adulterers, I hope that none of you ever find yourselves in a situation where you are confronted with the decision to have an affair. However, if you do, I hope that there is not judgment for what you do. Walk a mile in someone elses shoes then you may be able to understand. For those of you in affairs or contemplating one, be sure you are real with yourself about your reasons and be realistic about the situation. Affairs can take you to a fantasy world, but the harsh reality of it is that one or both persons involved in the affair are married and that situation will not likely change. Good luck to you all!
March 28th, 2010 at 8:49 pmMy situation is alittle different. I’m dating a married man from another country but lives here in the U.S. We started as friends but after months of denial, I gave in. He confessed to me he saw coming to america with her as an oppurtunity. He hardly could speak english and didnt understand completely that he got married. He asked me to wait for him until he was a citizen and could break things off without hurting her. We fell in love and have made it through all the stressful times and did I mention we work together. Waiting for him is hard but manageable until she intentionally got pregnant. He was shocked and came to me and let me know the day he found out. He told me he couldn’t live without me and I felt the same way. We are just friends now and continue to wait for him even though it is hard. The love we have for each other is real and I feel that if we do things the right way we will end up together. Besides, she doesnt deserve that and I feel bad for her everyday.
April 14th, 2010 at 7:08 pmMy son ended up in an affair and left his wife. He and his girlfriend both say it just happend. Sorry, every thing you do is a choice. They did not just hurt thier spouses, but her child, and all the people who love him. This has affected my husband and I in ways we cannot belive. We lost a daughter-in-law we loved dearly, we grieve for the grandchildren we will never have (new girlfriend can’t have anymore) and we lost faith in our son and our teachings. We have both said all his life, if you want to become involved with someone else, put it on hold until you are out of the relationship you are in. NO ONE deserves to be drug through that hell. Please people, wake up and understand that what you are doing is affecting SO many people around you. Your world is not only about you. It’s the ripple effect. New girlfriend thinks I should ‘get over it’ and has decided that I can decide to like it or not. We don’t see him alone anymore, she just doesn’t think it’s right that she be left alone while he visits us, of if we take him out to eat, she thinks she should be allowed. I pray every hour of every day that she will go away sooner rather than later, the sooner the better, hopefully he will wake up before he’s 50, wonders where he went wrong, and relizes that he can’t have a happy family and children.
April 17th, 2010 at 11:44 amJust think about it. There is NEVER winners in an affair. If you want it, leave the marriage, then look for that ’soulmate’. If you think it’s headed for one, step back and make a choice. Oh what a tangled web we weave.
#43 Thank you for sharing…keeping it real takes you a longer way than being part of bad marriage. Most marriages end up being a lie anyway. the only difference is some are willing to shrink to fit and stay in that institution at all costs.
April 18th, 2010 at 12:26 pm#45 For all of you who think the children will never figure it out you are wrong. The day will come when your child will call you up on it and what are you going to say??? I stayed unhappy for you. Grandma your son’s marriage was never about your potential Grand-babies so quit having an affair with your ex-daughter-in-law. You are missing out on having a better relationship with your son.
Sorry #46, I’m not in a relationship with the ex. And yes, I do grieve for the life I want but has been taken away from me. I also can’t stand the twit that is so very proud of the fact that she got my son to ‘do her’ and leave his wife. They have both hurt so many people, and they continue to do so. Yes, I am missing a relationship with my son, but it is because this person he has become is not my son. I’m trying to learn to love this new person he is, but it’s hard to do since twit is ALWAYS around. All I’m saying is that if THINK before you do it, get out of what you are in, THEN do what ever it is you want with whoever you want, less people would be hurt.
April 19th, 2010 at 3:37 pmI never should have married in the first place for various reasons 22 years ago but stayed because it is what you should do. I have been involved with a married man for over 4 years and am preparing for separation as it is only fair to my husband to get out. My true relationship is what I have been lacking all along and he finds the same in me. We have together dealt with a lot of crap and are still hanging in there. You only live once and its important to be happy. The only snag is that he has a business where people need to trust him and if this is revealed it will affect it. This is the only thing stopping him right now. There is a chance he may never have the guts to make a change. We are in limbo right now but cannot imagine life without eachother. Did we plan for this to happen – of course not. Do we understand the complications and how many can be hurt by it – yes. So we continue to only hurt ourselves and eachother by not doing anything too drastic or quickly (even after 4 years – we are trying to be patient). Its messy and complicated and frustrating – but we have faith in eachother that it has to work out someday. Does anyone understand this? Or am I crazy?
April 22nd, 2010 at 4:24 pm#48, if you think the only people who are being hurt are the 2 of you, you have lost your mind. You are not checked into your relationship which means you are hurting your husband and any kids, no matter what age. The pain doesn’t start when you leave, the people you love know you’re not giving any of them 100%, cause your busy sneaking off with him. And sorry Sweetie, but if he REALLY wanted to build a relationship with you, he would do it, he might lose a little business but if he knows his stuff it will return. I was once told that if you are in a relationship you have to hide, then you shouldn’t be in it.
April 23rd, 2010 at 11:17 amKeep on kidding yourselves people.
I met my husband 16 years ago. We dated for 5 years then he proposed. 3 months before our wedding day I found out he had been having an affair with another woman. I was so deeply in love I forgave him. Months after we married I found out he had never cut off his relationshio with the other woman. I was still so in love I forgave him again. Eventually the relationship with the other woman ended. We had three children. Since then our marrige has had ups and downs. One of our children had medical problems and at times I thought that bonded us closer.I dedicated myself to him and my children. I know he was not as in love with me as I was with him, but it broke my heart when on our 10 yr anniversary vacation he admitted he never loved me as much as I did him. I immidiatly fell out of love for him. It was like a light bulb went off.
April 26th, 2010 at 12:51 am5 months ago I met another man at work we started an affair. I never thought somthing like this would ever happen to me, but I think I am falling in love with this other man.I am lost right now. My plan was to stay in my marrige for the children, but should I continue in a loveless relationship?
Why don’t you guys just call it what it is… I’m going to leave my family and hurt everyone around me, husband, kids, parents, in-laws, brothers, sisters, EVERYONE, but I really want someone to tell me I’m doing the right thing and that it’s okay. That way I will have SOMETHING to hold on, someone on an forum told me it was okay, that they were doing it too. Again, if you have to hide it, it’s not right. Either do or don’t, stop dragging the family down with you. But remember, sometimes, you get what you deserve.
April 28th, 2010 at 1:44 amI am not sure if it counts but I was in a relationship with a man who had been with the woman he was with for 5 years. 2 1/2 of those years I was also involved. I know that if any of you are like I was……..in the beginning I liked the idea of having someone who was not available. I was married for 5 years and it was very emotionally and physically abusive. I was 2 years out of my marriage when I started seeing him. I liked the fact that I had the comfort of a man without the control. He couldn’t tell me what to do or ask me where I’d been because he had no rights. It was fun, risky, and detached. Or so I told myself……so much time went by and all we ever did was get closer. I had never felt this way about anyone. I would advise any woman or man that says “this is not something they would ever do” to really evaluate why they are doing it. The pain that comes from knowing the person your in love with shares a home and a life with someone is justice at its finest for the choice you made to allow them to betray the one they are with. No matter what the circumstances. Now he has since moved out of the house they share and it has not been what I always imagined the day would be. Or days. 6months have passed and we are further apart emotionally than we have ever been. I want a relationship…….he wants time….Time? I mean I look at it as I have waited 2 1/2 years and this has always been about what he wanted. I know nothing I say can change anyones mind. BC for some reason even as a child doing something wrong is always so much more fun. But there will be a line, and once its crossed there is no turning back. I love him. Always will and have loved him from the very start. I know he loves me but I am not sure that a relationship that started out as a lie can ever be anything but that. Be smart……get out while you can. Don’t do it to yourself. Don’t do it to her(him)……….thanks.
May 7th, 2010 at 7:42 pmTurn the tables. If you were the one being faithful, how would you feel if you found out it was being done to you. You would accept the excuse that you didn’t mean for it to happen, or that it ‘just’ happened. If you have to hide it, you shouldn’t be in it.
May 8th, 2010 at 7:20 amI want to share my story on rebound relationships. My wife started seeing a man last late summer/fall, they are together now after I exposed their affair. My wife and I had been thru a rough period, full of stressors that our relationship suffered. I guess she wanted an out because she couldn’t handle it anymore, but she chose to lie to me about her affair (wasn’t sure what she wanted?) until february when I finally pieced it together. Our children are with me, she moved to her hometown, about 1hr 1/2 away. Since the fall she moved there, alot better to hide her affair. Ever since I exposed her affair she’s been defending her actions (I left you long ago, i just didn’t tell you, he treats me so good, I feel loved and wanted) and she’s been hurftul, as was I (‘he’s the best lover, most giving person,etc’) It’s been 3 months and I’ve left them alone, my request for her to help me financially has been ignored, but she always has money for her parties with her bfriend almost every weekend.
May 11th, 2010 at 5:06 pmLooking back, I should’ve let them be as my words only strengthened their relationship. By the way I checked her facebook status before and recently,she lists relationship status as ‘engaged’ while he has kept his ’single and looking to date’ status. ?
Now, 12 years ago we separated for 4 years, she was with this same guy briefly. To give you and example of how “f$$kd up and doomed this relationship is, my wife and her bf were togther briefly, I met his then current wife at the same time. He didn’t know me but he used to come see his wife everyday (they were split up and we were taking a 4 week addiction/recovery program togethr), he would be begging his wife to take him back and that his gf, my separated wife, meant nothing to her. He said this everyday while lying to my Ex. Anyway, he went back to his Ex and my wife quickly found someone else until 2000 when there was a violent episode. I took my kids back that year, and she decided that she would move in with me and the kids in my home.
So today, my kids are here, they are teens now, she texts me more frequently now, guess the anger and defensiveness is gone. Oh, I must tell you also that I sent an email via facebook to this guy, after I found out who he was, my wife told me. He also told her that I slept with his wife, anyway I vented to him via email (another mistake in hindsight) and he replied that my ex wasn’t getting her needs met. Ya, pretty obvious. It’s easy for him to be the White Knight because he’s not there when there was tough going. This guy will get his eventually because I believe that once my wife tires of him and starts to see him, warts and all, it’ll just be a matter of time when Karma will hit the both of them. I don’t know if I’ll take my wife back even for the kids’ sake. I was lied to and my life has been so miserable, but now i’m on the right track. I’m feeling more confident, my smile is back and I’m becoming happy again. Idn’t know but I think my wife is noticing because she is starting to reminisce and commmunicate in a friendly way, like she misses the everyday things we used to share like taking our grandbabies for a nature walk, joking and laughing, etc. That’s my story so far and I am sorry if I left anything out or didnt’ write with a timeline. Please give me your input if you care to.
Lee
#54 My god dont take your wife back you have obviously been hurt so much by her how would the trust and the love you had for her ever be the same again personally i dont think it would be the same and as for him what a scum bag what goes around comes around well thats what i say!! It also sounds like she is really starting to regret her actions and if i was you my answer would be tough shit you have moved on and you deserve all the happiness in the world good luck in the future and not all women are nasty bitches its women like her who give us good ones bad names!!!!
May 13th, 2010 at 12:50 pmLee,
May 13th, 2010 at 4:54 pmDO NOT take her back. In the words of Dr. Phil, you teach people how to treat you. If you let her treat you that way and then all is fine, she will do it again and again. Don’t set yourself up for failure again. You said your smile is back and you are recovering. Stay on that road. If you want her in your life have her there as an aquaintance. Don’t let her move in, don’t let her become a part of YOUR life. Move on, and as #54 said, not all of us are nasty bitches, some of us will stand by our men, and are grateful that they stand by us. Give it time, the right one is out there. Hopefully she can learn and move on too.
Stay strong!!!
My husband was having an affair after 20 years with a bar maide, he broke it off with her and started dating another bar maide at the same bar. A few weeks before christmas we had a confrontation about a situation she didn’t know about a week later I found out he was engaged to her, and was told by a confident friend she sold a car to buy her own engagement ring. He finally filed for divorce a 1 1/2 years after he left he hasn’t seen the kids until he filed and we started proceedings. My oldest who is 17 doesn’t want nothing to do with the fiance she is deeply hurt. His mother also passed away during this time, and she was nowhere around the next morning. He has quit talking to me totally, whereas before we would talk because of the kids but he is now talking to an ex from high school. Will this relationship really work? I’m worrried about my younger kids even though the judge says he needs to fix his relationship with the kids, this lady is psycho I don’t trust her around the kids because of things that have happened in the past.
May 13th, 2010 at 9:05 pmIts sad to say this but I was always against cheaters and affairs. However I married at the tender age of 18. I came from a abusive family hold, and he was 26 and offered shelter and support. I’m now 24 he’s 31 and I’ve realized through 6 years of marriage I’m no longer happy. Its unfortunate I don’t have a job to support myself bc he insisted on my not working all these years, I do apply for jobs how now but with the economy the way it is it seems like an impossiblity. I have dealt with physical and emotional abuse. I’ve been beaten to the point that my pelvic bone is shifted and have had my head put through a wall. These aren’t excuses for my actions however. I will now explain what is going on. I got in touch with a highschool guy friend through a website thing you know I don’t want to disclose which site however we started talking as friends and he’s in the military, and in another country. We talk everyday online, and things have gotten to the point where we love eachother, I know some of you must think this is impossible b/c I said those vowels when I wed 6 years ago. I tried to leave before and it was impossible I was crashing at a friends house and still couldn’t find a job, and things where hard. This man tells me he is coming for me next year, he wants to be with me, he wants me move in with him. We have been talking for 1 year which is alot longer then when I first got married which was only 3 months and I married the guy. I know I have to tell my husband but I know for the sake of my safety and others its best to wait till I leave. I know I will be judged by some of you but my intentions where not seek this out it was a highschool friend, its not for better looks, or for money its all for the sake of the enjoyment of his company and much more. I will leave my husband but my marriage is unhealthy I was faithful, honered him, respected him even after the abuse I’d accept anything and everything however I was you and should have left the first time it happened but I didn’t know better then I was young and didn’t know that this wasn’t how a loved one should treat another. My love for my is gone, and its not b/c I didn’t try I’m just tired of being controlled told what to go to school for, and there isn’t a day that I’m not called a degrading name. well it just feels good to say this to you all share my story you know. I pray and ask god for forgivness all the time I know he’s the one to judge me for this in the end but god knows whats in your heart for realizes you can;t fool him and I know god see’s what I have been through and what I have been through god would have not condemed and say its ok at least your being faithful to eachother he would not approve emotional abuse, adultry, or emotional abuse any differently he would disapprove them no sin is greater than another… I just pray he understands that I’m drowning as a person in my marriage and I can no longer deal with the abuse it could be just damaging. For the record there has been nothing sexual between us it doesn’t make it better but I wouldn’t dare.
May 14th, 2010 at 12:03 amIts’ 54. Thanks for all your input in regard to my situation. I wanted to share a few more things about this stuff that’s drained my spirit and everthing else.
May 14th, 2010 at 12:33 amI did send a mean email thru facebook to her partner. It happened right after he txtd using my ex partners’ cell, this was around 3 wks ago. he was trashtalking and saying cruel stuff. I decided on my impulse (big no-no!) of my partner, how she was using crack til i caught her, drug addict, very promiscous when drunk (which i had to witness, her hitting on men and refusing to come home after the parties. I’m a musician part time,so I played alot of wedding dances, etc.. anyway I wrot thie letter to him all about what she is really like. Well, the guy decided to show hazel everything I said, even tho it was meant for him, In hindsight I was still hurt so i wanted to hurt them both. I would neverthink of doing anything physical,i have my children to think about. So when she did see it (Idk why he would show it to her,knowing it was hurtful things meant to chase him away) you see I had forgot to tell u that this man was very abusive,physically, emotionally to his wife (Idk if they’re stil together. what kind of man would do such a thing? just to make herself look bad. maybe i was playing the saviour role once again as i did before, the martyr role as well. We continued to sleep together til feb when i found out, she still lied to me, said it was an imaginary bf i must be seeing.
So today and the past week,I intentionally didn’t text her for anything and i’m keeping it that way. Anyway she txts, starts off pleasant, asking about the kids, then her mood swings wildly. she starts blaming me for evrything, our breakup, the email i sent to her bf, evrything is my fault. she told me that her doctor referred her to a mental health worker and she even accused me of influencing the dr! she accuses me of playing my games even when I say ‘hello’, its like i’m supposed to have a motive. i tried treating her with respect and not saying anything negative, even wishing them both wel, and out comes the “quit playing mind games and quit poisoning my kids about her. I ask my kids that they should pray for thr mom and to not think or say mean things to her. but there’s times when she sometimes gets me to believing that there is something wrong with me; “go see a psychologist” is this just one of hr many games. they say that if your partner still carries grief and loss issues, that means they are still thinking of you and the last thing they wanta see is you being happy. I know it aggravates her that i don’t take the bait in hr war of words anymore. so she’s targetting the kids now, to get them on her side, trying to convince them that she’s the innocent woman, rather then the cheater and liar. she tells me that Karma will get backto me.Me?? i’ve been nothing but nice to her now and i’ve put up many boundaries.
Then listen to your gut, not the judge. Your the Mom, nobody protects your kids but you. Don’t do anything you will ever regret later.
May 14th, 2010 at 4:59 pm#54 its #55 again please please move on with your life she is playing head games with you and you have your kids to think about they are the most important people in your life if she had any sense she will realise what she has done to you and your kids and sort her life out. You need to move on now ignore him and if she was any kind of a mother she should realise the hurt and pain she is causing everyone around her. I would do anything for my kids they are my like my ex husband had an an affair with a woman 15 years younger than him and they even have a baby now together and yes my world was completly destroyed i married him for a reason i loved him with all my heart he is ten years older than me i was 21 he 31 i thought we were fine he worked away alot from home but the signs soon started to show anyway to cut a long story short i could of been such a bitch and stopped him from seeing his kids but it isnt fair on them i could of gone for her too big time but life is too short and yes he is gutted now after what has happened the baby wasnt planned but he has his life with her now and ive rebuilt mine and couldnt be better but you really need to put your foot down with her she cant play your kids off against you and screw thier heads up maybe seek legal advice there is alot you can do but remember its her that has been in the wrong right from the very beginning sweetie not you i really feel for you and i hope it gets sorted you deserve all the happiness in the world and so do your kids. Take care
May 15th, 2010 at 3:01 amAffairs don’t just happen; people involved allow them to happen. Either there is no self-control or improper boundaries when one is in an affair. I’d be a hypocrite now if I said otherwise, because I’ve been there, I had an affair 5 years into my marriage. It lasted a year, my then husband never found out (I did confess years later). It was selfish, deceitful, and a pure waste of time. I had no delusions about ‘love’ for the other man, it was purely for attention, which I lacked and mistakenly blamed on my then husband. Having just had a daughter, not losing all the baby weight, pressures of parenthood while working, the ‘honeymoon’ now over, there was love between me and my husband, but something was missing: excitement, and I sought it elsewhere. Years after the divorce, I ran into the other man, he said something like ‘we’re both single, we could see if things work out’; uh, no. Seriously, when you know what you’re doing is wrong, how can you respect/love an affair partner that could be as deceitful and selfish. Anyone caught up in an affair, whether they think they’ve found their soul mate or whatever they’ve dreamt up, they still feel guilt, they still know it’s wrong; therefore why would you think so highly of the other man/woman when you know they’re also doing something wrong? Isn’t that just logic?
While caught up in the excitement of an affair, you’re on a high with your head in the clouds, not thinking clearly; this surely leads people to push the guilt away, sweep it under the rug, and in most cases, blame their spouse for any and whatever reason. Most people even say, my spouse doesn’t make me happy; any mature individual knows no one else is responsible for their happiness, and if maturity is not enough, the $150/hour counselor will tell you that. Some go so far as believe this new person is ‘the one.’ Really? How well do you know this person? Did your spouse ever think you would turn out to be this lying, cheating person? Better yet, many people who have affairs never thought they could be that lying, cheating person, so say we don’t really know ourselves, how can we really know the affair partner? How can we invest lock, stock, barrel, and heart to this person we really don’t know; unless of course, we think so little of ourselves and what we have to give. Does a though ever occur that the affair partner could be lying, putting up a good front for now?
Trust me folks, I’ve paid dearly; I’ll be first to admit and believe what goes around comes around. Don’t ever think that when you set out to do such a hurtful, selfish thing that you’ll get away scot free. Karma always looms, and guilt is always there!
To #44 – you’re now ‘just friends.’ I sure hope this isn’t your guilt talking. Because what you have is an ‘emotional affair’ – actually worse than a ‘physical affair’ when it comes to deceiving the spouse. Yes both types of affair are bad, but if he’s leading his wife to believe that he loves her, after all, she is pregnant, so she must think he loves her and loved her enough to come to America with her (or could she be that stupid? or could it be he wants you to believe she’s a conniving woman?). He wants you to wait until he becomes a citizen? You’re single, heck even if you were married – is this all you really deserve? A married man who’s used a woman/his wife for citizenship who wants you to ‘wait’ for him, while he and his wife await their child? I’m not just saying this, I sincerely hope you do what you eventually feel is right for you.
May 19th, 2010 at 12:28 amTo make a long story short… I’m in an affair. Both emotional and sexual. I ended up seperating from my HB of 8 years shortly after it started about a year ago, and he is still with his wife. In addition, I’ve known him for almost 5 years ever since I moved here. His wife is very sick and to be quite honest, I probably wouldn’t let him leave her even if he chose to (I’d probably leave him immediately). He’s stated that part of him wants to but I have maintained all along that he cannot – so I guess that’s been established. She’s had cancer several times and she has other ailments that truly debilitate her. It’s hard on him because almost everything about their marriage is just plain exhausting.
We’re currently “friends” but of course that always ends up failing because of how we feel about one another, plus yeah we have a very raw attraction that is very hard to ignore. We have the type of relationship that would work amazingly well if we had the chance to let it flourish, but for now it is what it is… It’s a deep forever type of connection though (probably deeper than either one of us has ever had with anyone). And that’s not just lip service, I know better.
At any rate, this has been going on for a while now and I’ve learned to just sit back and be there for him the best that I can without losing myself. I am healing from my marriage and I’m now in counseling to help me find ME. Other than what we’re doing, he is a beautiful man, just mixed up and I know that. I’m not trying to “fix” him, just be there for him.
On his Birthday, yesterday, we saw eachother. We also talked for most of the day. I was introduced to his sweet little “Mama” who just stole my heart. We had coffee together and just had a plain wonderful afternoon. Could this get anymore CRAZY??? I feel like it’s a damn Jerry Springer episode half the time, though it all seems completely natural and comfortable. Until the wife finds out though… Yeah, that’s an issue and it eats me up inside because I pray that she never finds out.
I suppose I really have no advice. I’m just sharing this “all in a nutshell story” so that maybe someone can make sense of it. I had always advocated the marriage institution, ALWAYS. But like some of you said “sometimes you just don’t see it coming”. And when you don’t see it coming, how do you deal with it? I look at marriage completely different now.
I know I’ll end it at some point, afterall some days it just hurts too much to face the hard truth that it will never amount to anything other than what it is. He can’t leave her and I’m not going to wait around and waste the best years of my life… I’m not blind to it, I’m just not ready to give it up completely, not yet. The rollercoaster gets tiring at times and a person can only take SO much before they need to get off, for good. Even if the ride is so very sweet, the bumps are often too much to bear.
If there is one thing I’ve learned from this, it’s to never find myself in an affair situation again. If I ever do re-marry (which I’m sure I will) it will be for all of the right reasons. And I am fully aware with how hard that is to find. So I suppose I’ll just learn to be content on my own for a while, which honestly isn’t a bad thing.
So, my story is not one of success really. At least not yet. It is one full of pain and hurt, betrayl and lies. Even if it doesn’t seem that way. I chose to ignore it, and so did he. I’ll have a hard time leaving him and He’ll have a tough time losing me but hopefully he’ll learn from it, like I did. And if not, well I guess I shouldn’t let that worry me.
I wish you all luck. It’s certainly not an easy path we chose… Soulmate or sex toy, there are SO many people that suffer in an affair… The best thing to do is protect as many people as you can if you are ever faced with it. Try to fix the reasons for doing it in the first place and move on so that it never happens again. And if you should be as so lucky to get a chance with your “soulmate”, then embrace it and cherish it. Don’t repeat the mistakes that led to it and take the time to HEAL everyone that is involved.
May 20th, 2010 at 7:21 amTo 63, I too have been in an affair with a man with a sick wife. We have known each other for close to 15 years. The affair started 7 years ago. I never asked or expected him to leave her.I’ve just been there for him. Well, his wife passed away about a month ago. Again, I am here for him. He says he wants to be with me, but needs time to get over the guilt that he is feeling now that she is gone. We talk much more often, now, but I do not initiate any of the contact. I want to show him respect and give him the time he needs. I’m not sure where all of this will end up. I’ve been single for 10 years, myself, and have become very independent. It’s just hard for me sometimes to overlook the love and mental connection that I’ve experienced with him from the beginning.Looks like I am about to experience a whole new “roller coaster” ride.
May 25th, 2010 at 10:07 amIt seems some people on here are bashing people for their affairs, but if you are married, isn’t there anyone who realizes that just b/c you are married doesn’t mean you’re guaranteed that that person will always be there, you have to work at things and try to make that other person happy, and find out what makes them happy. I have been married for 13 yrs. to someone who never cared to keep our marriage going, his attitude and comments border on being verbally abusive, he’s a bully. It’s come to a point of no communication, no physical connection and finally I got tired of that and yes did enter into an affair with a man who is also married to someone who doesn’t care that he has needs in their relationship either. I’m sorry if this sounds cold, but I don’t feel bad for my husband as I’ve tried several times to talk with him and he didn’t care. So I found someone who is looking for what I was and we just keep it simple, I’m not looking to leave, but I don’t want to look back 20 yrs from now and say, Oh yes, I was faithful at the expense of my happiness and needs. You only have 1 life, I’m not saying go around steamrolling everyone over, but I’m glad I took the chance to find some happiness while I can.
June 1st, 2010 at 11:52 am#65, I understand where you’re coming from, and don’t judge you. Four years ago, I was in a very similar place to you myself. The difficulty might come if (a) one of the spouses finds out and cares for the first time in a long time and won’t put up with it; and/or (b) either you or your affair partner wants more than the affair/unsatisfactory marriage combination. (Like you don’t realize that already!!) But you’ll deal with it in time, either way. In my situation, I wanted more than the affair or the lousy marriage, and my husband wasn’t willing to work things out, so the marriage ended but I remained involved and in love with my affair partner, who for various reasons of his own is still on the fence. I would say that my current dysfunctional situation (being the other woman) is a very slight improvement over my former position as the abused and neglected wife, so I’m headed in the right direction. But lately, it really is beginning to dawn on me, at the emotional level, that I really do deserve more, and probably can’t go on being the person who can just be put to the side when necessary (and to be the other woman is to agree to that role). I’ve known that intellectually for a long time, but for some reason, I couldn’t feel it. So, being able to feel it is a further step towards a better life and healthier relationships, I think. I wish you well, whatever happens in your situation. And you’re right: we only live once. The logical/emotional implications of that reality might change for you over time, as they did for me. Good luck.
June 2nd, 2010 at 2:27 pmI guess the part I don’t understand is why people stay in a marriage if they are so unhappy. Why are you even investing you time #65? I don’t care what you say there are people being hurt by your actions, that is why people are so against affairs. It’s really not all about you. Of course if you are so selfish to think that it is their might not be anyone in your life you would worry about hurting. You’ll no doubt think a lot of things when you review your life in 20 or 30 or 40 years, but I really don’t thing you’ll see it as being happy because you ‘found’ your happiness. Your looking for someone else to make you happy. Won’t ever happen my Dear. And what looks like happiness now will be disclosed when you do that reviewing as a huge mistake. Trust me on this one. Been there.
June 2nd, 2010 at 4:44 pmCan a marriage survive if the wife found out the husband was having an affair for 1 year , and told the wife he was in love with this person and was a emotional and physical affair but yet is staying in the marraige because it cost to much to divorce with alimony and assets. i do know the wife is hurt and upset. They both have not told one person about affair for “image” reasons within their community.( i only know cause im the other woman) How do you just move on and act like this didnt happen or is this a trainwreck just waiting to happen?
June 3rd, 2010 at 9:40 amI posted earlier (54
I went thru these postings again and I realize how there are many situations that result in many different post-affair endings. My Ex’s honeymoon has seemingly ended, which is great for my children. I say this because my Ex is making time to call them and visit with them on weekends. She is very happy to see our family but she seems to drag this poor fellow/bf along when she does visit with our family (usually parks, Restaurants, movie). My one daughter mentioned to me that My Ex’s bf seems distant and doesn’t participate in any of the activities, but my Ex is having a great time with the family, something she obviously loves and missed very much. I have actually heard her sobbing on the phone on how much she is grieving for the family.
June 3rd, 2010 at 12:24 pmThis bf once remarked to me that “A woman looks elsewhere when she doesn’t have her needs met.” So I thought about that and I’ve concluded that, yes my Ex looked elsewhere to have her ‘needs’ met, but guess what happens when those needs are no longer turn him into that “White Knight”? In Karma, the transition partner comes in and out of peoples’ lives but frequently that person who is ‘used’ based on fulfilling the neeeds of needy people, finds that his/her role starts to diminish as time goes on.
Now I have taken the advice of many people by not talking with her and not giving her the illusion that I’m always there to come back home to if things don’t work out. Sadly, in the past, I have had that Doormat role which I used to think was just me being a forgiving soul and seeing her unresolved pain, abuse as a child, etc. There will come a day when she will be knocking at my door, looking totally lost and alone. I really dont’ know what I’ll do on that day. Refer her to Mental Health? I have started meeting other women and there are nice women out there who actually listen and actually care how I feel. Imagine that? But I do know as a wounded veteran of heartaches, that I’m not really ready for another relationship because my wounds are still healing. I’ve let women know this as I don’t want to keep the cycle of affairs/secrecy/heartaches going. It stops with me and that sometimes that’s all we can do about ourselves and our former partners. I really do believe that God, or Karma does bring people into our lives to help us with our transitions (the important ones) in life. The problem is that we fall in love with these people who were only meant to help us in our transitional states. Sometimes we refuse to see these people for what they are, people who simply appear at the most important times in our lives when we need them to help, and the REAL problem is sometimes we think they are our Soulmates when in fact, they were our Soul Helpers.
soul helpers absoultely, and i guess with a little faith we can belive that its a step in the right direction to be with the person that we are meant to be with!
June 3rd, 2010 at 4:09 pmI have been married for 21yrs to a wonderful man. I honesty love him. My story is different in that I an NOT having an affair and neither is he. See, my husband works out of town at (a remote camp) and has done so for the past 12yrs. We have one teen left in our home. To put it plainly, I am Very lonely. As my husband is gone 3 or 4 weeks and home 1 week. I have openly and honestly stated my loneliness to him. I realize that he must be lonely as well(but he says he is so busy with work that his time passes quickly). I try to keep myself occupied with college classes and hobbies but for the most part I am home alone.(he doesn’t want me to work because of the week he is home I would be gone) Lately, I find myself enjoying the attention of other men “looking” at me when I am in town. I have told my husband this,(he say’s nothing) as I have stated that I am and always have been open and honest about every aspect of our marriage. I have also taken to the fantasy of getting my needs met while he is gone and not being honest to him (I’m 39- he’s 49). I am so scared of acting upon these feeling. I’m not here to bash anyone or even get my own “desires” validated. Perhaps I am just to needy of a person, but I’m also scared that the next 10 years will produce even more loneliness. I do not want to hurt my husband or destroy our family and throw away 21 years. I just want some advice on how to make my husband understand that I need more of him. Again, I am not having an emotional or physical affair or even have anyone in mind.
June 6th, 2010 at 12:47 pmTo 71: I really admire your honesty and how self-aware you are about your loneliness and your needs not getting met, etc.. Your story sounds very familiar to mine, but my Ex didn’t have the self-control. I couldn’t help but think that this ‘Other guy’ saw a very needy woman and took full advantage. My ex was also 10 years younger then me as well. In sharing your story, I thought I caught a glimpse of my Ex and what she may have been going thru when the guy started paying attention to her. The guy and my EX have been together since January now, according to her it was over before she started their relationship. But I know that emotional affair counts and they have been seeing each other since last Fall. I guess he really turned it on as I recall my Ex getting text messages late at nite or she would run to the bathroom to receive a call. My Ex had decided that she was going to her hometown to help out with family and when she came back for the Christmas Holidays, she was very remote and didn’t want to be here with our family. Anyway, in your story I think it helps me to grasp where my Ex was at, at the time. My anger has died down. It still hurts to remember the lies and distorted way she sees how it started. You cannot reason with a former partner who truly believes she has done no wrong, even though you know in your heart what the truth was. It is just to help them ease their conscience and allows them to minimize their guilt. Your story has helped me to realize that there are women out there who really think before they get into affairs and how the loneliness and needs of a woman can make them do things they may regret later, and how you yourself may be one sweet talker away from an affair. Good luck with your marriage and your life
June 6th, 2010 at 7:51 pmTo 72: Thank you for sharing your story. Your words of how I am “one sweet talker away from an affair” really frightens me. Although I know it’s true. I do not want to walk down that path, I realize it will hurt so many. I recognize that I am very needy and that perhaps my “loneliness” will surely pass. I cannot change the circumstances of him working away or even less time. That is not an option he is willing to do. My only option is to avoid a sweet talker, I know it sounds silly but it has worked so far. I feel really sorry for you and others who have went through the same sort of situation. I’ve read “well if your not happy just leave the marriage”. I am happy for that one week. When I started looking at the numbers of a 3 to 1 schedule over the past twelve years, I told my husband that he has been gone 9years and home 3 years. He said nothing. I do not want to “regret later”. ~Loneliness sucks!
June 6th, 2010 at 11:15 pmTwo years ago I found out my husband had been having an emotional affair with his married college girlfriend for 7 of the 9 years of our marriage. I was devastated. Even though they never saw each other I treated him like it was a real affair and it felt like it to me. I was miserable for months. Then, I started to get over it, but never really have felt happy with him, again. We have other problems, but have two young boys. I thought I would just stay in a loveless, sexless marriage for my children. I was resigned to it and didn’t even really feel deprived. But, then, one night, I emailed my college boyfriend. He is married, too, with three beautiful daughters. I just thought we would remember the good old days and maybe flirt a little. Seven months later I found myself completely in love with him and he told me he loved me, too. We were planning to leave our spouses. Both always confirming that our divorces had nothing to do with each other. Then, last week, my husband saw some emails. He immediately contacted my college boyfriend’s wife. And, all of this ridiculousness has come to a screaming halt. I haven’t heard from my old boyfriend in a week. I cry every day like I have lost the love of my life. What if he is the love of my life and I have lost him, again? I feel awful for what I have inflicted on our spouses. But, I thought I saw a chance at a kind of happiness that I didn’t think existed. I thought we were trying to do the right thing and end our marriages without going too far. I am an intelligent, educated person. I never thought I would do this to another woman. I am ashamed and embarrassed. But, I am desperately lost without him. And, I know he must not really love me if he hasn’t contacted me. HOw could he let me hang out here not knowing how he is if he really cared for me? SO, now, I am the stupid jilted “other woman.” And, I will be a divorced forty something mother of two. I never worried about being alone before. I have been alone in my marriage for the last five years. But, now, I saw this possibility of a love and passion that I didn’t think really existed. So, I am acutely aware of what I have been missing. And, I am devastated to think that I will never have that kind of love in my life.
June 9th, 2010 at 1:55 pmI have posted on this site before and I find it to be very helpful in my own life and how my Ex and I separated. To 74, I couldn’t help but think of the situation with my Ex and her bf, who was her cheating partner. It’s been 4 months since I found out, through my Doctor and no longer denying the obvious signs of infidelity. What I wanted to share with you is that I have had to listen to my Exs’ comments (we have a family so we have to at least keep in touch) about how much she loves her Bf, how he’s the best lover, best man she ever met, blah blah.. It’s pretty obvious he isnt’ all that as she wouldn’t bother to throw it in my face if she was truly happy. Anyway, it seems as though the men who prey on vulnerable women seem to have in tune to what they should say to a needy woman, usually what the woman wants desperately to hear. Perhaps in the Honeymoon phase there is alot of gift giving, showering of attention. A call to say ‘I’m thinking of you.” Now you would think that people who get together under a cloak of lies and sneaking around would not last very long. But never underestimate the Power of Denial. I am absolutely sure that my Ex and her bf have zero trust in each other. My Ex seems so desparate to keep this guy on some kind of pedestal, as the most perfect, wonderful man on Earth. By now, I would wager that my Exs’ Boyfriend is already looking for a less needy woman or another woman to rescue to help boost his self-esteem. These two cheaters do have a history. They did have a brief fling before when we were separated (see 54,59,72) and one day I asked my Ex why she would even listen to anything this man says. She replied “He’s a changed man!” lol. Funny how I never seemed to have changed enough for her and she would never let me forget my transgressions from way back when. My message to you is; watch what your heart wants to believe. There are people out there who are such smooth and slick talkers that they could soak you for all your worth, leave you homeless, and still convince you that you’re merely just “Camping out” in the park. And you would be so desperate to believe anything that comes out of their mouth to avoid the pain of rejection and that feeling that perhaps you are unlovable. Believe in yourself. I had to have many painful nights and actual terrors of my future because I refused to let this woman cheat on me ever again. Now i’m realizing that I can live alone and be strong and independent. I don’t need her for happiness. In fact, she didn’t bring much to our relationship but selfishness and demands. best of luck and I hope you come out of this situation for the better.
June 10th, 2010 at 10:12 amlee
#74, similar situation, i feel i have lost the love of my life too when his wife found out and he didnt leave the family. Its devastating and you cant help but wonder what is going on in their head and how they can just shut off their feelings. I do belive if its meant to be it will happen, however i have been in a 5 year “dead” marraige. I am still going through with my divorce for my own peace of mind and doing it for myself. I now know i need that love and feeling in my life even though i lost the one i want to be with but i cant stay in an loveless marraige. I do belive things will fall into place eventually. again if its meant to be maybe our time and place will come in the future and do it the right way. but you need to make yourself happy first!
June 11th, 2010 at 6:59 am#76. Thanks for your words. I am so struck by how panicked I feel about being alone. I have been considering asking my husband to come home. He is not a bad man. He is a good father and my life would be much easier if he were here in the house helping me with the boys. But, I don’t love him. He keeps telling me we can work on things and get our love back. But, I know I never had the passion for my husband that I have for this other man. This other man who clearly used me and doesn’t truly care about me. So, what is the choice: a man who loves me and is the father of my children or life alone as a single parent?
June 13th, 2010 at 5:04 am#77 from 74 I am in the exact same postion, i completely feel your pain.i know what your feeling. Its the fear of the unknown and what can happen. i feel my child will only suffer if i stay in my marraige. i want to set an example of affection and love for a married couple. i know a single parent is hard, however you wont be alone forever. As long as you and your husband are both there for your kids.just keep an open heart and as time moves on you will get stronger and more confident. I am still a wreck over my affair however i know what i need to do. it will be best in the end. you need to do whats best for you! Look at it as not the “end of your life” however a new beginning!
June 17th, 2010 at 4:25 amIt’s interesting to note that so many people are having affairs and/or are impacted by affairs, enough to realize that it is more commonplace than not.
July 25th, 2010 at 6:37 amTo be sure, people can and do fall in and out of love several times throughout their lifetime – and not necessarily with the same person. Everyone longs to find “the one” or what has been referenced as the “soul mate” but in my opinion, we have several throughout various stages in our existence. The notion of just one seems a rarity.
It seems logical that the committed relationships that result in one or both partners entering into affairs begin with the same anticipation of a forever love. The truth of the matter is, the “excitement” of love (and all the glorious things that go with it) mellow as the demands of children, careers, and the reality of responsible adult life sets in. This is where commitment and true respect for one another (and for oneself) is tested. Does one deal with the real issue – whatever that may be – or escape?
But herein lays the crux. What one does with this understanding has the potential of impacting so many other people if taken with a cavalier approach. If one is truly unhappy in a relationship or not feeling fulfilled, it is the right thing to do for both parties to be honest about it. No doubt, this is also the most difficult path and requires far more energy. But, it is also the most respectful and loving avenue to take. Not just for your partner (and children if applicable) but for yourself. Then, openly…you can work on it, not work on it, leave, stay…whatever. But openly and honestly.
It is also my opinion that affairs – and many will disagree with me – are generally just distractions. As much as they appear to be love…they are an avenue for attempting to fulfill something they feel their committed relationship or life is missing. However, the affair won’t address the ultimate issues. Most folks won’t leave their committed partners for the affair (a very few will). Because affairs are ultimately based on deceit (Come on! That is what makes it so taboo and exciting!) and not on truth – they rarely result in a strong, trusting, long term relationship. The sex may be terrific…but the partnership bond rarely develops.
So, many choose to go the route of the affair. No doubt, it is an easy escape, a quick fix, a delicious distraction and takes ones mind away from complexities of adult responsibility. It’s certainly far easier than dealing with reality, working on the relationship, going to counseling or tending to the wellbeing of the children. Even more important, having an affair is easier than dealing and possibly healing what caused it to be an option for addressing unhappiness in the first place. Geez, who wants to invest that kind of time and energy anyway? That requires commitment.
I love reading the self-righteous garbage that some of you are spouting. Affairs are not the problem, they are a symptom of the problem. When one spouse shuts the other one out both physically and emotionally the other spouse has nowhere else to turn. Most of the time affairs don’t cause marriages to fail; they are the product of failed marriages.
August 11th, 2010 at 9:40 pmI know what you mean, #80. I try to remember that no matter why they happen, and no matter what a person’s role in them, the bottom line is, they hurt. So, if you’ve been cheated on, you cling to your superior position and spout the self-righteous crap you’re referring to. If you’re cheating, you try to justify your behaviour. If you’re the “other” man or woman, you try to show that you’re “true blue” in your feelings. We all try to defend ourselves. And none of the defenses solve any of the problems, whether you’re married, having an affair, or whatever. Compassion rules, for ourselves and others.
August 13th, 2010 at 11:11 amAffairs do hurt, #81, as I know from experience from all angles. My spouse has had an affair on me; I have had an affair; and I have been the ‘other’ person. In this experience I have observed that the cheated spouse is not always the victim; the cheating spouse not always wrong; the other person not always the villian. There is plenty of blame and compassion to go around.
When one spouse takes the other for granted; pushes them away (emotionally and physically) and refuses to accept that there is a problem, what are they to do? It is human nature to seek out an emotional/physical connection with another person. If that connection isn’t being provided by the spouse, then affairs (emotional or otherwise) will occur.
August 15th, 2010 at 9:07 amTo the people who say “affairs just happen,” well, you can be attracted to many people, but it’s your CHOICE to cross the line. You CHOOSE to be selfish and don’t care who you hurt. That’s a choice, and if you’re married, or someone who is married is pursuing you, do yourself and the other people involved (spouses, kids, etc.,) a favor, make a different CHOICE.
August 16th, 2010 at 9:08 amSure, it is a choice. It is also a choice for the spouse of the person who had the affair to make themselves physically and/or emotionally unavailable to their spouse. They share in the blame, but they are the first ones who want to jump up and claim that they are victims.
August 18th, 2010 at 2:55 pmI have been a family attorney for 18 years. I have been intrigued by the issues and the responses. I don’t know what the answer is, some of us do in fact marry the wrong person. There is no question affairs can destroy quite a bit. However, from my experience in domestic court, there were certainly other problems in the marriages which quickly eroded them to “LOVELESS” room mates. I also agree with those who say God made it clear , adultery is a sin. We, and that includes me, all struggle with this on a daily basis. I am convinced that the Bible is the word of God. It states how sexual sin, ie adultery causes destruction and “death”. I won’t pass judgment on any of your responses, comments, or situations. It is tough, and it looks like some of you clearly married the wrong person, and it appears some of you are confused and in great emotional pain. I’ve been there. It’s not a club you want to belong to.
August 19th, 2010 at 12:00 pmWell, this is all very interesting. I am the other woman. I am the adulterous wife. I am divorced at my hand, even though my husband begged me to stay. My affair was a choice, I admit that. It started exactly 1 year ago and continues today. My children are doing ok, but are very young. Although, they do not completely understand, I assure you that they are more perceptive than I knew possible.
August 23rd, 2010 at 9:24 amAbout him… he left his wife 2 months before I left my husband and his leaving was less than a month after the affair started. His divorce was filed before mine, although after several continuances and very slow courts, he is not divorced. He was a dear friend of mine several years back that was brought back into my life. We have a long history of friendship. I know that I was in love with him back then and he professes that he secretly loved me also. We look back and do not understand how we did not follow through on the emotions then…but are strong enough now. His wife hangs on relentlessly stating for their girls who are old enough to understand. His children beg him to come home…they want Mom & Dad together, under the same roof (what child doesn’t).
He says he wants the dream with me and trust me we have lots of them. I fear his children will hate me. I am sure they know who I am , what we have done and blame me for the demise of their family (his wife assured that they knew ‘daddy was having an affair’). I know he contemplates going home for the children. I feel his pain before he even discloses it to me. He also senses me and knows when something is wrong before I call or let him know.
The affair is very painful. I cry alot. I try to understand my emotions that lead me here and what keeps me here. I never knew I was capable of an affair, but tell you that it came very easy with this man. I know that spiritually I am lost, I have done wrong. I have hurt a lot of people and am also hurting. But I have experienced a love that I never knew possible and a connection that is not understandable. Through all of this, I wish I would have had the strength to get out of my marriage prior to stepping into an affair. We have tried to end the affair several times without success.
Judging from my Ex and her Cheating partner, who are now 6 month into their ‘Coming out party’ aka ‘Being Exposed as Cheaters,’ I do not think their particular relationship will last. They don’t have me in their triangle, so no tension/drama to keep the flames burning. The Ex is quite puzzled because I keep wishing her well. Now she is texting me and saying how sad/mad/lost she is and missing our children and family. His lies seem to be wearing thin and I can see him nearly toppling from his white horse. Their honeymoon is over, and reality has set in. Probably no more dreams about buying a house cuz neither csn seem to hold down a job in the same province. So cast my vote for “No” relationships that start out as AFFAIRS Don’t last!
August 23rd, 2010 at 8:53 pmI think if you are having and affair, you are being overly selfish. If there are problems in your marriage you should number one follow your faith, number two make your spouse a priority and try to resolve the issues that started your unhappiness. If you have an affair and you don’t trust your spouse it’s likely that you don’t trust youself. This likely led to the affair.
August 24th, 2010 at 5:45 amIf your not a faithful person and are lost, this is understandable. This happened this time, the next time the person that you cheated with will cheat on you, and you will again on the next person because there will be more.
However, If you have faith, integrity and are normally an honest trustworthy person, you need to stop what you are doing. Stop being selfish. The circle of people that are harmed by these situations are much bigger than you imagine. They will heal in much less time if you stand up and take accountability for what you have done and work on your on problems with professional help rather than going down this road of doom.
People that you have affairs with don’t even have to be themselves. They just have to be the opposite of what they hear about. I have been a counselor for 28 years and have heard of this thousands of times. My own marriage was doomed at one time. You have to be accountable and so does your spouse. If you love each other, you can get professional help and resolve the issues that started your discontent and willingness to betray your loving partner.
At this point you have a renewed foundation and can have a much happier marriage than before. Affairs are built on shaky ground and deception. This is the kind of of relationship it will always be.
I have a very complicated situation. I married an unbelievably, wonderful man when I was 21. He is 13 years my senior and we met after speaking for a little over a year on the phone. We are from very different worlds. He’s a city guy who has lived all over the world. I’m a country girl who had lived in the same town my whole life till I got married. It was a work relationship and we became friends very quickly. We lived a thousand miles apart so neither one of us ever thought we would be more than work friends. I had the opportunity to meet him while on a trip to his state and we fell in love very quickly. He treated me like a queen and made me feel very safe and secure. I come from a family where I never felt safe and secure so now looking back I realize he was that safety place for me. We met, were engaged 3 months later and married 9 months after meeting. I moved away from everything I’d ever known, got pregnant with our wonderful son 3 months after getting married and I soon found myself losing me. I became a stay at home mom and put my dreams on hold. We have moved many times, I’ve always felt like I’m missing something. My husband has always done everything he can to support and love me.
I go to my hometown every year for an event that I am heavily involved in. I take the time every year to make the trip home and feel like “me” again. I have always been well known in my hometown and feel like it’s the one time a year I get to remember who I used to be. I am a singer and sing for the event, it’s always been the high light of my year. I’ve always been the kind of girl who is very committed, I wouldn’t even as much as look at another guy. I knew that I was very fortunate to have the man I have so I never would dream of putting myself in a situation that could ruin that, until 3 summers ago.
I was out with friends having a great time and ran into a group of men who were in town for the sporting event. I made eye contact with one of guys and felt something I had never felt. I brushed it off as nothing and went on with my evening. As fate would have it, we ended up running into the guys again and hung out with them for the evening. I noticed the guy again, he was looking at me but still would not let myself go there. We were all sitting around a campfire when the guy I had noticed earlier got out a guitar and started to sing. At that moment, something happened to me that I NEVER expected. I felt an instant connection with him, we ended up singing together for hours and talking all night. All of our friends left and there we were left sitting together not knowing what to expect. As we talked, we learned about each other and found we had so many things in common. He was just a few years older than me, grew up with very similar life experiences, we just hit it off. We found out that we both had families, lived in different states and both admitted the attraction was crazy but realized that nothing could become of it. He had respect for me, didn’t try to touch me at all. We were together till the sun came up and decided to say good bye. I thought I’d be able to forget him.
I was not able to and when I got home to my husband, I could not help but tell him the truth about my feelings and what happened. He was very supportive and understanding. We started counseling after that and tried to move on from it but as hard as I tried, I could not get him off my mind.
The next year I came home for the annual event and was very nervous thinking I could possibly see him there again as he competed at the event. Sure enough before I sang, I locked eyes with him and we talked. After he was done competing, he found me and told me how he was hoping I would be there so he could see me. Again, we spent the whole evening together and as much as I wanted to, we never did anything more than hold hands. The attraction was even stronger and I couldn’t stand to see him go. I felt like I was watching my soul mate leave for another year. Again, after I came home, I told my husband everything. I hated to see him hurt but felt like I couldn’t lie to him either. My husband and I tried again to go to counseling and figure out why I felt the desire to be with this other man.
The 3rd year, everything changed. We saw each other but this time something was different. Something changed in me and I felt like I couldn’t let him go without finding out what it would be like to be with him physically. The feeling was mutual and after one kiss, it was on. We spent the whole night together and it was amazing. The next morning, he promised me that we would work this situation out. We talked every day and couldn’t stand to be apart. His wife knew nothing about me and my husband just thought we saw each other but I convinced him we didn’t even talk. I did however tell my husband that just seeing him made me feel so much passion and I didn’t know what to do with it.
Now we were in a full fledged affair but neither one of our spouses knew anything. We talked for a year, sometimes trying to let each other go because we knew what we were doing was wrong. We would always end up talking again and as much as we tried, our feelings continued to grow. I was more open about how I felt but he tried to convince himself that he had to stay with his family. The year was very hard for me not knowing what it was going to be like to see each other again. Everything came to a head and we decided that when we saw each other this year, we would say good bye once and for all. I told him that my heart was with him and I couldn’t bare to let it get physical, I knew I wouldn’t be able to let go if that happened. He just told me he needed to see me and we would know what was right to do.
I didn’t expect to see him till Saturday of the event, as the event is 3 days long and started on Thursday. I was relieved because I knew I had some time to prepare my emotions and would be able to enjoy the event stress free till Saturday night. I received a text message from him 1 hour before I had to sing on Thursday evening telling me he was coming early to see me and would be there that night. He drove 4 hours out of his way so he could have more time with me. I was so nervous, I didn’t think he would be there while I had to sing but as soon as I was done, I turned and there he was smiling at me. There were over 6,000 people there and out of all of their faces, I saw his. My heart skipped a beat and I knew that it was not going to be over.
He met me over by my vehicle, we had to be very secretive so no one would see us. He saw me and hugged me but nothing more at that moment. We tried to act as normal as we could but we were both dying to be alone together. We split up for a couple hours till the event was done so our friends wouldn’t suspect anything. As soon as we could, we got out of there and went somewhere we could be alone. We both admitted there was no way we could let each other go, the feelings were too real. We spent the evening laying together under the stars singing together as he played his guitar. It was magical. He had to leave me the next morning because he was with a group of friends but I knew for the first time I’d get to see him again on Saturday night.
We decided to get a hotel room so we could just be together as long as possible before he had to leave. On the way there in the car, he pulled over and looked into my eyes. He told me that he tried to convince himself that his feelings for me were not real but he couldn’t anymore. He then told me he loved me and that he couldn’t be without me. My heart melted, the words that I had wanted to hear were finally being said. I felt that there was no way we could be apart. The night was the most wonderful night of my life and the next day I cried and cried knowing he had to leave me once again. He promised me that this time was different and there would be no way he could deny his feelings. He admitted to me that the whole time we were talking the year before, he tried to deny his feeling with everything he had but what we had was real and he knew he was madly in love with me.
I went back home to my husband and told him everything that happened even though I was going to try to keep it all in for a while. He was very upset and told me he was done once and for all. How could I blame him, but I felt like I needed to be honest with him. My guy however, was freaked when I told him, he was afraid my husband would call his wife before he had the chance to tell her. He felt very pressured and panicked. I was upset because I couldn’t understand why he was so freaked out, after all, we had talked about all this and realized we needed to be together. He said that he couldn’t wrap his brain around leaving his kids and didn’t know what to do. I was pissed cause I thought we had already decided all this. Here I was putting everything on the line and he’s all of sudden not sure what to do. He said if it was between his wife and me, he would chose me, but that he looked at his wife as a unit with the kids and couldn’t imagine being away from them. I told him he had to decide what he wanted and I said I would give him the time he needed. I also explained to him that he didn’t need to worry about my husband telling his wife, he just wouldn’t do that. He was getting physically ill with all this stress and finally went and talked with a counselor about his situation. The counselor told him that he would have to realize he would never see his kids if he chose me. He also told him that he might realize he can’t live without me if he picks his wife and after he realizes it, it could be too late. The counselor advised him to not talk with me for 3 months so he could think about what he really wanted. I agreed to let him do that all while my husband waits for me to decide whats going to happen. Well, after 10 days, I couldn’t take it and called him. He was glad I did and we started talking once again and were right back where we were before. He still said he needed time, that he loved his wife and wanted his family, but he also loves me and wants me. He admitted he wanted both. He said he was afraid that he would leave his wife and have me and my family move to his state, then what if he changed his mind and screwed my life up even more after we moved. We have so many things in common and know we would be happy together. He’s afraid of making the wrong decision. So, now we talked a couple nights ago and decided we need to try to let each other go. He doesn’t know if he can but needs some time to sort it all out. I told him I would do whatever he needed, I just want to make sure he thinks it through before he makes any decision. If he picks his wife, I want there to be no doubt that he’s making the right decision and the other way too. I don’t want him to pick me and then decide he wants her back. This is such a complicated mess of a situation. I love him so much and can’t stand the thought of us not being together. We are going to talk the end of October to see where we both are at. There is an opportunity for us to see each other the beginning of November so we are going to have the chance to see how we feel after this break in person. At that time we are either going to let it go or move to the next step of being together. I am so scared of what he’s going to do. I hate that we aren’t going to be talking and he’ll be with his wife everyday. I don’t see how I can win in this situation. He promised me he’s going to be honest with himself about us and about his wife. After holding out hope for so many years and risking everything with my marriage, I just don’t know what I would do if he decided to end it with me.
August 27th, 2010 at 8:40 amI would love to have some input from you all. My situation is so complex being that we live in different states and haven’t seen each other more than 5 times in person. I believe in following my gut and my heart and it has always told me that we are meant to be together. My own husband really hopes it will work out for us because he believes I would be happier and more complete because we share so many passions. My husband and I will always remain dear friends and I will always love him. Now that I am older, I am a different person than when we married. I feel like I know what I want now and don’t want to just stay married because it’s comfortable. Life is so short, I want to live it to the fullest and not have regrets. I hope that this all ends the way I hoped it would, I’m just scared to death. I am thankful that he hasn’t been telling me all along that he will leave his wife for sure, I do feel like he’s been honest with me. I don’t know how to cope in the mean time, this waiting game is horrible.
Wow so much information… What constitutes an marriage? Would it be considered to be an affair if the primary relationship has lived in separate bedrooms for 19 years? and Sex the same? The primary relationship seen the children raised and almost on thier own. It is one of roommates and forced public engagements. And kudos to those who posted it is the relationship with family that hold those marriages together because there is little other glue that works. The committment to the extended family and kids had to replace the emptiness that superceded the failure of the primary relationship.
I am in love with this man and him I, i dont want to have another man move in or live with me… just my issues. This works for me… for now.
I am so with the posts that say you have to walk a mile in thier shoes, and truly believe in the ones that say soulmate. I dont understand why it seems we are given a chance to relearn LOVE in all its splendor without the abuse or shame of failure or hiding bruises. My past relationships left me with a cabinet full of triggers. I never thought i would ever be able to let them all go, but when the right person comes along… triggers become opportunities to heal.
Do primary’s behaviour change if they leave? Is who im seeing now the real them? Ive witnessed first hand the changes that take place in single men… do married men change too when they leave… or does affairs over 2 years constitute a true committment. Ive been a very promiscus person and havent even considered another mans touch let alone kiss since meeting my love. I seem to have become a better person knowing this man. I love who i am knowing him. I feel i know myself better and am stronger because of the love given to me. It seems to justify the love i feel for myself. I want to share my love with only him… I was married 8 years divorced and have been 20 years single… 5 relationships in that time… single for 5 years when i met him 2 years ago. I know at some point i may want more… but i allowed myself to be so tainted by past relationships… and all i want is to give love and have it returned. I am a busy person and would not be able to see my love any more or talk anymore if we were together. thanks to the post that said… today is just today… tomorrow may belong to someone else. thank you! We have but one life to live and i believe lessons come in all forms, if i tire of being alone in life the choice is truely my own. Right now i choose a married man, who fullfills the needs emotionally and physically that no one has ever touched on before. I know some of you are saying… how delusional can she be, and i agree with you, but when your in the middle of this, and someone reaches out and hugs your heart in a way that no other living soul has and all you want to do is return that amazing sense of security you feel knowing they know you. Wow its just so hard to explain. but I know myself, trust issues dont even enter into it. Each affair has its own set of circumstances only you know what is and isnt tolerable and when you need to change things. What God has shown me is… that i am loveable, I deserve love, and am worthy of love. I have also be given that ability to share with someone else.
August 30th, 2010 at 7:30 pmWhat constitutes marriage is a vow! You sign a contract before God & everyone. It’s just that simple! Adultery is ALWAYS WRONG. No matter the circumstances! Don’t understand you people. What is wrong with this world we live in! You’re on here wanting pity for committing adultery?
September 1st, 2010 at 8:51 amMy ex had an affair, I found out approximately 4 months later, and up until then it was mostly an emotional affair. I can’t help but shake my head when many of these people who posted comments about how wonderfu/super/fantastic the sex was with their cheating partners. Well, Duh, a little rubber Dingy looks like a luxurious yacht when you’ve been treading water for years. Cheating simplay means that you have bailed out on your partner even when your married partner is still struggling to keep the boat afloat.
September 1st, 2010 at 9:49 am