The Other Woman (or Man) – A Paradoxical Experience
If you are a single woman that has been seeing a married man for some time and reading this, chances are that you have already gone through the initial stages of infatuation and blinding bliss. In these initial stages you are not wanting to think too deeply about the realities you are creating in your life by pursuing this relationship. But as things progress and the honeymoon period wears off you start to have questions, you bring them up to you lover, but most likely come away with answers that leave you only partially or not at all satisfied. These questions have to do with what you mean to him, whether or not he will leave his wife for you, how he can justify cheating on his wife, whether or not he has done this before, or is cheating on you now. Getting these answers become more and more important as you become more involved and then obsessed with your lover and realize that you are not as central to him as he is to you. (I am using the term “the other woman” as a literary convenience because statistics show that married men have affairs more frequently than do married women. However, most of the following also applies to men who find themselves in this position.)
Rona Subotnik illuminates a list of paradoxical realities that you may find yourself living with as the other woman. Here is my version of her findings:
Treasured, but used
Being in love gives you the feeling that you are precious and treasured by him, but you cannot help but wonder…if it wasn’t for the sex, would he still want to be with me? If you didn’t make it so easy and perfect when he is with you, by not complaining and making sure you look absolutely gorgeous, by having the house spotless…if you were just your ordinary every day self, the way his wife is, would he still treasure you? If you weren’t providing an escape from another relationship, would he still want you?
Intimate, but isolated
You have a wonderful newfound closeness with this man that you may not have had for a very long time. However, as time goes by he becomes one of the few people you can be intimate with because you cannot share what is most important for you in your life with most others. Friends and family sense you are closed off in some way, and can become confused and discouraged about your relationship with them. You can feel this, yet are afraid it would cause more damage to their feelings about you if they knew. Your sense of intimacy with your lover can seem more intense when he becomes one of the few people you can really talk to.
Free, but a prisoner
You have been freed from the dating game, from the painful aspects of being single, yet you are tied to his schedule. You find yourself forgoing activities that you used to enjoy that might make you unavailable to him should he suddenly have time to see you. The silence of the phone can feel like the bars of this prison.
Safe, yet in danger
Being in love creates a sense of safety, yet the foundation for this safety feels, at it’s core, shaky. You know he could decide at any time to stop the affair and try to work on the marriage, or that his wife or someone else can find out and blow his cover. You know you are participating in something that is potentially damaging to many people and that there could be repercussions for yourself. You maintain the sense of safety by trying not to think about these realities.
Self-righteous, yet guilty
You tell yourself you deserve to be happy, that you are making him happy. You may even tell yourself you are helping him to be a better husband by the love and comfort you provide. You tell yourself their marriage is already over anyway, or that it’s not your responsibility, but his, since he is the one cheating and you are not cheating on anyone. However, deep down you know you have made a choice to participate in something that can result in devastation for any number of people.
Powerful, yet powerless
You may feel very powerful in your ability to attract a man who is married, maybe with family and cause him to betray this family. Yet as time goes on, it becomes apparent to you that you frequently feel powerless. You may eventually be giving ultimatums, only to be put off or given false promises. You may find yourself stood up when various situations arise with his family that prevent him from keeping dates. Sitting alone on New Year’s Eve or Saturday night, you feel you have no power at all.
Feeling very good/very bad about yourself
Everyone’s self esteem soars when they experience attracting someone who is attractive to them. However, at the same time you know you are treating yourself as if you do not deserve someone who could be there for you 100%.
Reading the above may bring up strong feelings that you haven’t been aware of before. Participating in an affair necessitates entering an altered state of consciousness where only part of reality can be processed, the part that has to do with pleasure. It’s like being in a trance, complete with it’s own logic. When the full reality begins to hit home, it can be a painful and frightening time. Deep issues can surface, issues that, in the end have to do with your relationship to yourself more than anyone else. If talking to your lover is making it worse, it is important to break your isolation by finding someone who you can trust to talk to. Therapy can be very useful at this point.
i’m the fat cow sitting home serving this wondering eyes jerk! i hope every woman who pursue a married man knowingly all the misery she inflicted on the family. giving away 20 or more years of marriage is not easy but i decided to fight. i hope she suffer in hell!
October 7th, 2008 at 7:10 pmobviously you need to work on your marriage instead of blaming the other woman. take it from somebody who knows. the problems were there long before she came along. take responsibility for the issues in your marriage and work from there.
October 20th, 2008 at 6:17 pmI think this is a very accurate interpretation…would you please blog on how you think the involved married man (or woman) would be feeling at this same juncture?
October 21st, 2008 at 5:08 amI have been involved with a married man for 15 months now. We met one night, neither of us looking for anything or anyone. We met and we immediately connected. When we are together its liek the first time, when does the honeymoon end? Neither of us can imagine it ending. However, it is the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. I am not sure where this is going, I know what I want to happen. But will it ever? I keep holding on because I love him and I know he is love with me too. He once said to me “you have to of loved someone to know what its like to be in love” That makes sense if you think about it. I will never make him choose between her and I.
December 8th, 2008 at 6:25 pmBut at some point I will have make a decision to end if he doesnt make it before me. I have told him I can not do this forever. I love him dearly but at some point changes have to be made good or bad.
ive been seeing a married man for 3 months now and im falliing in love with him and i can tell hes feeling the same way as i do but i am scared because hes never said anything abou t getting a divorce im confused but i dont know what to do cause im reeally getting involved any advice?
December 9th, 2008 at 4:30 pmaffairs suck, for all except the man.
I have been dating a married man for 3 months, it began as physical and just fun. Now I’m in love, too late to go back on those feelings. He said he hasn’t been happy for the past 10 years, says he is leaving her. But when? I’m not going to wait for long, what are the odds he won’t cheat on me?
Men are slimeballs and women are stupid!
December 13th, 2008 at 10:09 pmI am a married woman, I had an affair with a married man, we both fell deeply in love with each other, he was soooo wonderful. His wife found out, so we ended the relationship (we both have kids involved). It has been 11 years now since I have seen or heard from him…but the love I still have for him is there, I find myself looking him up on the internet searching for his address/phone number. I dream about seeing him and us being together again its like a “fatal attraction” thing I have….do you ever get over the relationship and just try to pretend it has never happened?
December 22nd, 2008 at 4:20 pmFeelings for the other person whom you are haveing an affair with…..First, you can NEVER trust that person in a relationship (how can you, logically?!?!) Second, it should be seen as a something of a business arrangement among both parties (you can tell a stranger your most intimate thoughts but not your spouse…you have to live with them). Third, YOU have to manage your wants and weigh them against reality (be for REAL!!, the only reason YOU get hurt is when you expect something and it doesn’t happen…simply enjoy the other persons company and make no expectations on anyone and move on when it is time without some bullshit argument that you may lose anyway…leave on a high note). I am not advocating an affair nor am I condemning it. It has it’s uses, pros and cons. But know yourself, if you are an obsessive compulsive type…then it could be hard for you and for G-d Sakes get yourself fixed or something! Just because you can reproduce doesn’t mean you should!
December 24th, 2008 at 8:12 amI have been involved in an affair with a married man for just over 3 months now. I am so clueless as to what to do now. I am in love with him and I feel he is in love with me. I can’t imagine my life without him! And the kicker is that everything seemed to fall into place when we first got together so I really felt like it was fate. I don’t want to hurt anyone and I will never make him choose between her and I. But how long am I supposed to go on like this? It’s so incredibly hard to live a secret life.
December 29th, 2008 at 11:04 amI’m the “other man” in this case. I feel alot like these other women. We were supposed to be in love. Deeply in love, but she started to mess around with someone else, although I think it was out of comfort and not just for sex, as it was a long distance relationship that was very very hard on us both. Plus the fact that she is trapped in an unhappy marriage because of family, cultural and religous pressures. Anyway, we had the big blow out and haven’t talked in almost five weeks. I guess we are now in Splitsville. Perhaps for the best, although it certainly doesn’t feel that way. Yet.
January 12th, 2009 at 6:42 amI’ve been involved for two years in an emotional affair with a man who’s lived with another woman for 11 years. I fell deeply in love with him, and my marriage essentially broke up over it. The sad thing about being in any of the positions in an affair (the man, the other woman, the woman being cheated on) is that you never really escape the pattern of the affair. You keep looking for the qualities that distinguish your situation from those you read or hear about, but after a while, it becomes ever clearer that you’re a textbook case, no different from anybody else in that boat. In the end, it’s about learning to have your emotional needs met in a situation where they CAN in fact be met. It’s a hard, hard lesson for some of us. Right now, that lesson is nearly killing me. Blessings to everyone out there struggling with the same issues, no matter what your sex, and no matter what your position in the triad.
January 17th, 2009 at 11:11 amI think I’m just starting to get into an affair.
I just never saw it coming. I am trying to become a responsible husband and father to our kids but something is just missing and this new girl I’m seeing just fills the gap.
I know what the right thing to do is, but it’s just hard to let it go.
January 29th, 2009 at 11:33 pmBelieve me, I know how hard it is to let it go, and I don’t even know if cautionary tales from other people will make any difference to you at this point. I will tell you this, though – I’ve now been separated from my husband for a year, and I don’t think there are any prospects for a reconciliation (I was the one who had the affair). I have lost, forever, the intact family situation I tried so hard to create (I now see my daughter half-time). My marriage was deeply flawed, and I really don’t know if it would have been possible to salvage it. But I will never know whether it was those flaws that essentially ended things, or the way I handled them (trying to have my emotional needs met through the affair). It complicates the grieving process. Anyway, I wish you well, whatever you end up doing.
February 6th, 2009 at 5:39 pmI was the other woman and he ended it the other day. Says hes full of guilt. The affair has been going on for the past yeaar and a half.
Im hurt, lost and dont know what to do next.
Help me please
February 8th, 2009 at 5:01 amWhat to do next? Find a man who is single and can commit to you. Learn from this mistake, the mistake of giving yourself 100% to someone who is not returning what you deserve because he’s made you his back-up choice. Do not settle for someone who can betray another so deeply. Being the “other woman” does not make you special or the “selected” one, it makes you runner-up in a never ending race for his love and affection. And if Prince Charming decided to finally leave her for you, would you be able to sleep at night when he wasn’t there?
The list of stupid things the other woman does:
Stops wearing her favorite perfume when she’s with him
Switches to Fragrance free laundry detergent and dryer sheets so the towels don’t leave a scent
Sticky roll her Chihuahua’s hair off him before he leaves because “they don’t own pets”
Pulls her blond hair back into a pony tail when in his car cause “his wife has brown hair”
Drives to the Starbucks three zip codes away to meet him for coffee
What does he do? He shows up when he can.
To me, From me. Because I don’t want to be the other woman anymore.
February 9th, 2009 at 11:08 pmI have been seeing a married man for almost about 2 years and I have fallen for him. I’ve tried to fight these feelings for a long time but I can’t deny it anymore I fell for him. I do know what love is and I can say though that love is not what I feel for him. This all started from a strong attraction we have for each other and this attraction hasn’t died down. I have never asked about his relationship with his wife because I’m not going to lie I feel the guilt. I’ve gotten to a point now that I want to end this but I can’t seem to say the words. I’m the one who waits for his phone calls and wonders if today will he call me and I’m so emotionally drained from this I don’t know how or what to end this either way I don’t know about him but I will be hurt. I don’t want to be the other women either I deserve better!
February 17th, 2009 at 9:34 pmI’ve been seeing a married for a year. His wife has had a cancer diagnosis and has been in remission for 3 years. They have lived separately for two years. Even though they don’t have much of a marriage left, a counselor once said their marriage was on life support, he can’t leave her in case the cancer comes back and they have a 12 year old. We love each other but I also know he loves the woman she used to be and feels a lot of guilt for her illness. She has become abusive both physically and emotionally since her cancer. Possibly due to the treatment. He just broke up with me because he said he loves me and he can’t divorce her now. The guilt is too much. He hopes one day we can be together but he has to be responsible for what he has at home right now.
I love him deeply enough to let him go do what he must do for his family. If it is meant to be, it will be someday. In the meantime, I deserve more…
March 1st, 2009 at 9:44 amI am married and have 3 beautiful kids. I have been married for 14 years – we had become essentially roommates without an emotional connection. For the past 5 months I have fallen in love with somebody different. I might be very screwed up, but I’m close to throwing my family away so I can be with this other woman. I seem to need help – can this affair turn into something good?
March 5th, 2009 at 5:46 amI have recently ended a 10 year relationship with a married man, whom during those years, i must have broken it off over a million times, and returned to the same situation with him a million more. Why, i guess you could say i loved him, and still do. I have no expectations of ever having a normal relationship with him, but it does not change the fact that i will always love him. We’ve never shared a birthday, a Christmas, nor a Valentine’s, and after so many not, one or the other will get tired, in this case it was me, the mistress. I will never have what i want with him, and its something that i have to live with. An affair is exactly what it means, an affair. The most important things is i have realized is that i’m worth so much more than a moment (when he could get away), and though this is killing me today, i know that i will someday look back at the beauty of our past relationship without the pain it would have caused everyone else never mentioned. An affair is a selfish act, and you have to believe that what starts the wrong way, ends the wrong way. Let it go before the heart gets involved, you don’t want to wait 10 years to realize this.
March 9th, 2009 at 4:03 amI have a lot to say about this issue. First of all, I am the betrayed spouse. If you are the affair partner, you really need to open your eyes and realize that the devastation that you are causing, or about to cause, in your married partner’s life, will reach farther than you can ever imagine.
If you are under the impression that your married partner’s life is just miserable with his/her spouse, think again. Most of the time, unless it’s a case of abuse, the married partner is lying to you about the status of their relationship and home life. He is lying to his wife, so is it not logical that he is lying to you too. If you are the married partner, and you feel like your marriage is missing something, have the guts to own up and have a hard discussion with your spouse. It would tend to reason that if you are unhappy, your spouse is probably just as unhappy and you need to find out WHY!
I find it very hard to find any sympathy for the affair partner. If you get involved with a married affair partner, chances are that you are going to be the one to get hurt. In most cases, the married partner does NOT leave their spouse. If they do, the relationship between affair partner and married partner usually does not last. When you are invovled in something so illicit, it’s exciting, thus the “Honeymoon Feelings”. When life takes on the everyday routine, and the relationship is no longer a secret, it’s not as exciting anymore, and you will be left wondering, WHAT HAPPENED?! Don’t set yourself up like that. Have more respect for yourself and for the betrayed spouse, and the children. If your married affair partner leaves his family for you, you will be left to deal with all of the issues of a divorce. The financial devastation alone should be enough to make you think twice. The married affair partner is not just going to be able to walk away from his marriage without having to face any responsibilities. The two of you will not just walk into “Happily Ever After”. Your married affair partner will be responsible for supporting his wife and children. You, as the affair partner, will also have to share your new found love with his/her children from the marriage. He/she will have visitation rights, and you will not come first, unless your married affair partner is a dead beat and doesn’t want to see his/her children. Then, as the affair partner, you will have to deal with the resentment that the children will always feel for you because in their minds, you are the antagonist. You caused the break up of their home. Just a few thoughts.
There is a great book out there for anyone involved in the affair triangle. The title is “Not Just Friends”, by Shirley Glass Ph.D. It has a lot of very useful information. If you are involved in an affair, or are right on the edge about to go over, get this book and read it FIRST!!
My best to all.
March 16th, 2009 at 7:01 amAn affair generates excitement so palpable, everything else pales into insignificance. Yet in the final analysis, it seems a waste of emotion and effort, because the affair partner never really becomes yours. Unless of course, you dump your spouse and marry him/her. In which case, the honeymoon usually fades with remarkable speed. The reason is that once you have made your affair partner your own property, he/she becomes as boring as the spouse you were with in the first place…
March 26th, 2009 at 4:25 amwow..I have read each an every entry here..experience seems to be a great teacher and everyone has a common theme..dont do it! I am a single man involved with a married woman.I have been seing her for 12months.We are countries apart.I am tired of it all.If I am tired after such a short time then maybe she is not the one as to be married for life means sticking it out through good and bad.She was a friend first..we will end up never seeing each other again.
I am still involved..however after reading this page I am compelled to finish it..I hope I find the strength this week.
March 29th, 2009 at 5:53 amDo unto others as you would have them do unto you.
Such a true statement. No matter how you may feel, you have to understand that it’s not ALL ABOUT JUST YOU!!! The damage and devastation are so great to the spouse, children, extended families and friends!!! If you are the other man/woman in the affair, STOP AND EVALUATE!! THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU ARE ACTUALLY DOING!! STOP BEING SO SELFISH AND SELF CENTERED. Whatever you do in this life, you pay for it one way or another. Things may go well for you and your MM/MW for a while, but eventually, it will come back to bite you!!
April 5th, 2009 at 4:19 amI’ve been seeing a married man for a year now. it is selfish of me. I just can’t seem to walk away. I love him. I know he loves me.. If anyone is going to end it it’ll be me. I think he tried before but he continued. The horrible part of this is-he’s my boss. I will see him every day-and I love my job.
April 6th, 2009 at 7:58 pmIt is very easy for you to idealize your affair relationship, because it isn’t based on real life. Think about that.
If your MM/MW leaves their spouse and the two of you move in together and begin the daily grind of life in the real world, chances are that the things that you are so attracted to right now, are the things that will become a problem in your relationship. Your married affair partner has made time for you by deceiving his/her spouse. This fact, apart from all else, should be the wake up call that you need. If your MM/MW is deceiving their spouse, they will eventually do the same thing to you.
To the woman that posted above, I understand that you love your job, but if you are sincere, try to find a way to move on. Don’t continue doing this to yourself. You deserve to have a relationship with someone that can give you all of himself, and not just throw you the left overs when he has the time. This isn’t a relationship, it’s a deceitful, illicit affair that can only end badly for everyone involved. You are probably a very bright and beautiful woman with a lot to offer the right person. Don’t sell yourself short. He isn’t worth it, and you deserve to have someone who will love and cherish YOU, full time!! That doesn’t mean that you should approach your MM with ultimatums and demand that he leave his wife…it means that you should find someone who is single and available. You may be living with the idea that your relationship with him is some how “different”, and “special”. Bottom line is, it’s not special and the circustances are not “different”. He may be a good man, but he obviously has issues that need to be addressed in his marriage. His wife is probably not the horrible woman that he makes her out to be. If you had an honest conversation with her, I guarantee you that you would find this to be the case.
My best to you…
April 9th, 2009 at 3:51 amI also am the betrayed spouse. During a very difficult time of my life, I expressed some unhappiness to my husband. I was missing our son who had gone to college, was very stressed at work in a way that I didn’t feel he could understand, and was worried about our finances. Those feelings were making me depressed and anxious, and I wrongly interpreted them as unhappiness with my marriage until I received some counseling and a prescription for anti-depressants. My husband, upon hearing of my feelings, immediately jumped to the conclusion that I was going to leave him, and began seeking out opportunities to hook up with another woman, to create a “back-up plan” just in case I left him. He continued to love me through all of this, and we continued to make love, although not as frequently or passionately as either of us would’ve liked.
Unbeknownst to me, he began an affair approximately nine or ten months after this conversation, and in the meantime, I had received help, and was feeling quite happy with our marriage. I made the mistake of never clearing that up with him. I thought he could figure it out by my behavior. But, he was deathly afraid of being left alone. I found out about the 7-month affair through a mutual acquintance of ours who saw him with the other woman, and upon confronting him with this, these awful misunderstandings of the past were cleared up. It has been difficult, but now we are going through the painful, but also joyful process of rebuilding our relationship, our trust, and our marriage. He did a poor job of communicating his desire to break up the relationship with the other woman, because at the time, he was still feeling rather drawn to her and didn’t want to hurt her feelings, but that was unfortunate, as she has continued to send him e-mail text messages despite our efforts to block her cell phone and text messages. Now he wants nothing more than to put this woman out of his mind, and for me to put it out of my mind, and to move into a new and fulfilling phase of our marriage. He never intended to leave me, despite a lot of pressure to do so from the other woman. If you are “the other woman”, the bottom line is that you may be just a “back-up” plan, “something different”, someone who is giving him the attention he hasn’t been receiving at home, etc. Chances are, he has no intention of leaving his wife for you, and once his wife finds out, there’s a strong chance that she will take action to correct all of the reasons he sought out the affair in the first place, such as lack of intimacy, somewhat infrequent sex and so forth. The man will most likely still be having sex with his wife throughout the affair, and you need to understand that too.
When it does break off, please do everyone a favor and do not humiliate yourself by becoming a telephone or e-mail “stalker” to either the man or his wife. The man who you were involved with was not real. He was only a small part of his complete self, and he was enjoying living in the fantasy world you helped him create. None of it was fraught with the details of every day life. I’ll bet you never or seldom even talked about each others’ spouses (or his spouse if you’re not married). You were trying to avoid the horrible reality of the fact that he’s married and has a relationship, a bond, and love for his wife, with whom he has children, future grandchildren, and a history that does not include you. The reality is that the affair probably isn’t worth it for either of you.
April 9th, 2009 at 1:25 pmi fell in love for the first time in my life with a married man. I was the latest in a long line of his ‘other women’. He’s cheated on his wife numerous times throughout their years together. I should have known from the outset that it would end in pain and hurt but i let it happen anyway. Its been 12 months since he ended it (because he loves me too much to hurt me anymore!) and i’m sat here now, sobbing my heart out for him. Serves me right.
April 12th, 2009 at 12:13 pmI feel so sorry for you. It’s not you that he loves too much, it’s the easy set-up that he has. Why leave the comforts of home when he can and does have the best of both worlds. Don’t say that “it serves you right”, you are NOT the only one involved in this affair. You only get half the blame. Don’t cry another tear for this serial cheater. Now, pick yourself up and find someone that is worthy of you and all of the wonderful things that you have to offer to a full time relationship.
I am a betrayed spouse and while I find it very difficult to have compassion for the OW, I have begun to see affairs for what they are and it’s part of my healing process to be able to sympathize with the OW/OM. I need to be able to see the OP in a more human light and cast blame where it’s due. You have taken responsibility for your actions, now DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!! Be proactive, not reactive.
April 13th, 2009 at 10:05 amAm the other women who just ended a two year relationship…. am I hurting yet? no because i know it is the right thing to do. he will never leave her for me.And I have finally realized that…
April 15th, 2009 at 11:36 pmhave you ever wondered since he is having an affair on his wife that the problems in that relationship need to be dealt with. if he doesnt he will carry them over into your relationship and it will never get any better. then he will start to wonder from you when this relationship quits meeting his needs.
April 17th, 2009 at 10:51 amI too was the other woman. It still surprises me how many wives still don’t give other women any credibility. We are not all home wreckers or tramps and brazen sluts. I certainaly am not. My married man and I fell in love with each other before we even kissed. And when we did we discussed how our love would affect everyone around us. That was almost three years ago. Since then, he has divorced his wife and we are now engaged. Perhaps we are the 1 in a 1000 who actually make it. Neither one of us feel guilt over this. We fell in love. Only people who have ever known real love understand. He had a good marriage before he met me. He thought he was happy. But he explained that when we met and our relationship grew, he quickly realized that he was missing a lot in his marriage. I guess this is a reality check. Sometimes men stray not because they are pricks and are being tempted. They stray because they are not in love with their wives. That is all.
April 19th, 2009 at 5:33 amYou still are the other woman. Dream on in all of your self-righteousness about how justified the two of you are, and about your “real love”. The bottom line is you are partially responsible for breaking up a marriage. Out of your fierce love for this guy, did you even suggest that he should probably try to figure out what was missing from his marriage, and what he contributed to causing it to lose its luster and leave him open to becoming infatuated with you as part of an affair? It’s still an affair, even if you developed an emotional bond before you kissed. He must’ve had love for his wife in the first place, since they were married. It will be interesting to see what transpires a few years down the road after living “real life” for with you for awhile, since he never addressed the issues as to why his first marriage deteriorated to the point where he was open to an affair with you. At this point, all you can think about is that you “won”. You are the chosen one. Well, good for you. You won a guy who wasn’t even decent enough to end his affair relationship with you to go back and admit to his contribution in the deterioration of his marriage and try to make it work. Who knows what would’ve happened if he had? Neither of you will ever know if that could’ve worked.
April 20th, 2009 at 7:28 amFrom personal Experience, don’t get involved with a married woman, it’s just not worth it! I spent two years with the ‘carrot’ being dangled and the promises of ‘just another month honey’, I should have known, I was lied to from day one, but I forgave her because I thought it would work. 5 years down the line, we have a son and I have just found out she has been having an affair for the last 6 months. I spent all my time trying to become the perfect partner and somewhere I lost who I was. If you suspect something, LISTEN TO YOURSELF. Be strong, walk away, hard to do with children, I know; but if she has done it before, the chances are she will do it again and again. She even lied about the affair until I confronted her with hard proof, you see I was her back-up plan and even though she ended the relationship, I would have forgiven her. In a matter of a few weeks I feel better and can really see her in her true light. You really have to ask yourself, ‘Do I really deserve this level of comitment?’. You are better that that and there are women out there who dream of men like you.
April 26th, 2009 at 1:31 pmI guess sometimes it is easier to say the you just don’t love your wife or husband anymore. The truth of the matter is that you have just grown tired of the daily grind of life and need greener grass. Grass is a funny thing, however, it always seems greener until you have to mow it. Then you discover that it’s not all that great, just different, fewer weeds, maybe, but that’s all.
April 28th, 2009 at 3:05 pmMy husband betrayed me for a year. We are in counseling and have discovered that unresolved conflict leads to a need to release. Some of the possible releases for people are drinking, drugs, shopping, emotional outbursts, eating and, oh yeah, affairs. I wish he had just went shopping!!
All kidding aside, he has realized that he had many warped ideas of our marriage. He’s not all at fault, I have a hard time with boundaries and, apparently, I don’t cry enough! But, when I found out that he was having an affair, I decided to leave. It just killed him. He realized that he had been so wrong and didn’t give our marriage the care it needed. To make a long story short, there were problems before the affair, but the affair is just a release for all the confusing, pent up conflict. They are never 100% there for the other woman. They are just too confused. They come with too much baggage. Find the single ones that are ready to be yours!
April 29th, 2009 at 10:17 pmI’m in my 6th month with a married man. I am married also. We’re very much in love. It started out as sex, for both of us. We were lacking affection among several other things in each of our marriages. This certainly does not excuse our behavior. But it is what it is. It didn’t take long for our feelings to expand beyond the physical part of our relationship. His wife became pregnant 3 weeks before he and I met. He found out a month after we met. But our relationship did not end, obviously. The more time we spent together, the deeper we both fell. Before we knew it, we were intensely in love with each other. Six Months later, there seems to be no end in sight. We still see each other as much as we can. We’ve gotten somewhat braver. Going out with some of his friends one night, I ‘accidentally’ ran in to them. We spent the evening having so much fun, and not overly hiding the fact that we were a ‘couple’. Recently, we even took it as far as going to lunch together in our town. Which could have caused quite a stir had we been seen (which we weren’t) I feel like we’re becoming more brave for some apparent reasons. When I asked him if there was some part of him that wanted to be caught, he said “yes”.
I love this man with all my heart. And I know I’d love him in our every day lives as a real couple! I don’t expect him to leave his wife any time soon. Two young children, and one on the way, my own young child. I don’t even consider leaving my husband first. I will not be the one to make that sacrifice. I feel like he is the one who holds our relationship in his hands. He knows I am willing to leave, FOR HIM. But until he leaves, we’re going to keep doing what we’re doing, I suppose. And though it is not ideal, it is what is keeping us together for the time being. It is how I get to be with the man that I love. And how he gets to be with me, the woman he loves.
I do believe that some day we will be together. I’m not naive enough to think it will be any time soon though. So I will hold out as long as I can. And hope that eventually, we can walk down a public street together, holding hands, and laughing, PROUDLY!
I know by admitting this, there will be floods of judgments from others. But I do not care. I am owning what I am doing. I take full responsibility for it. And know it’s not right. But I choose to remain in this relationship, because I’m in love. And love makes us do crazy things…
May 7th, 2009 at 11:18 amHow do I fit in the mold? I met my “affair” via my husband, (now ex.) My husband answered a swingers ad on the internet that was posted by my loves wife. He wanted to see me with another man and visa versa, both hoping this would help our marriages. Well it back fired! I was never going to do something like that and we both did not know our spouse had this planned when we all met. They had been talking and who know what else for weeks. Funny as it may seem I new that night after talking to my love that I was falling in love. My marriage had be bad for years. I filed for divorce 2 times always being talked backed into it with promises. After this fiasco with our spouses, they suspected a connection right away, must of been the light in out eyes, we were watched all the time. My husband has had at least 3 affairs that I know of and this event took the cake. This time I walked and made it final. My love has told me from the beginning that he is leaving but it will take awhile. In the beginning I believed him, now I feel like the other woman. He tells me to be patient, but my mind plays tricks on me. Should I believe or am I just paranoid? He work constantly and is a great single parent even when married. She does nothing for the kids. I know, I see this at the kids extra activities. We sneak around because of the kids, his and mine, and it would make his divorce easier. We work fairly close to each other making possible to see each other often. I am scared for my ex to find out because of fear retaliation. Am I the other woman???? Or just lucky we found each other and just be patient???
May 7th, 2009 at 1:07 pmYes, you are the “other woman”! You are no different from the women your former husband was having an affair with! I read these accounts of “other women” who feel they’ve found their “real love”, and who are just waiting for the moment when they can legitimately be together, and feel they can justify their affairs. You can’t justify it! These fantasy lives are lacking in the day to day realities, and whatever marriage problems exist with you or your affair partner are going to get dragged into your new relationship along with all the previously unexperienced realities of life, assuming there actually ends up being a new relationship, because most likely it will end abruptly and horribly. Believe me, the whole idea that this is good for anyone involved is just stupid and wrong-minded. It might be making you feel good, but your logic and thinking processes are very clouded if you’re in the midst of an affair, and you’re not being honest with yourself. If I could stop one person from continuing with or starting an affair, it would be worth a lot. I don’t know what else I can say, except to do what it takes to break down the walls of communication with your husband or wife. There’s a beautiful relationship there waiting to re-blossom. It just needs the right kind of care from both of you. Get help.
May 8th, 2009 at 12:53 pmMy counselor has equated my husband’s affair, and any affair, to a heroin addiction. You live on the highs that you create in your fantasy world, waiting for your next fix. Stop it!!! NOW!! It’s a very hard thing to do, but the reality of your relationship is not going to be what you are dreaming about. Your affair partner is going to bring the same shit to the table that he/she has going on in their current marriage…it’s just a matter of time. I am watching my husband deteriorate day by day from this “addiction”. It is an ugly thing to watch a perfectly wonderful man, that got caught up in a fantasy life, destroy himself. Do you actually think that when he leaves me he will be happy?! For a while, but when the reality sinks in, he will be absolutely miserable. He needs to deal with the issues of the marriage and leave the OW alone. She isn’t the answer…there is so much more to the puzzle. As the OW, you may think that everything will go the way you want, but just wait..you will see in the end. Let’s not forget karma…it will come back to bite you in the ass. Don’t set yourself up…find an available, SINGLE man and find a wonderful life for yourself.
May 8th, 2009 at 5:51 pmI’ve been having an affair for the past 3 years and everyday I struggle with my emotions for him. I love him so much and I know he loves me too. We tell eachother all of the time. I try all the time to leave him but he tells me I am his world and he would leave if it wasn’t for the kids. I don’t believe that because I think men or woman get too comfortable in their surroundings so their excuse for not leaving is the kids.I don’t have a house and the whole white picket fence thing and he does so I truly think these material things keep him there. I don’t know, I just need to think these things because the true fact is that if he truly loves me like he says he does, he would be with me. Maybe I am in denial? This is the hardest thing I ever had to go through. I don’t recommend for anyone to start an affair. I’m wasting so much time, maybe finding a man who will grow old with me. I never date or have I ever slept with another man since we’ve been together and I know he still sleeps with her. I feel so stupid at times but I love him with all my heart. I wish someone could help me through this.
May 31st, 2009 at 3:29 pmRight!!!! Wish it was easy to just walk away……..
June 2nd, 2009 at 9:43 amTo commenter #40….you’ve got to walk away. You’ll dangle there on that string of being in limbo forever if you don’t. If he’s got an unsatisfactory marriage, he needs to address that first. If it can’t be addressed, that will be his only motivation to leave his marriage. As long as you’re giving the guy what he wants in the meantime, he’s having his cake and eating it too. He’s not going to leave his marriage! He’ll tell YOU “it’s just because of the kids”, but the bottom line is that many of his needs are also being met by his wife, and deep down he loves her too and most likely isn’t willing to leave her, or he would’ve done so by now. Walk away!! Find a single man! As you said, you are wasting your time and energy.
June 8th, 2009 at 6:30 amI recently have started seeying someone that I was engaged to in my past ( He isn’t married ) but yet he lives with a woman and they have 2 children together. We had so many plans in the past but because he use to travel so much back then I couldn’t handle it and broke it off. He was my first love and I never forgot him, I always kept him a secret in my heart. Over 12 years went by and I did get married and had 1 child. I wasn’t happy though and we ended it in divorce. While I was married He (the past love) always looked for me and asked around about me but I always ran in the opposite direction because I knew that it wasn’t right, not even as friends. I consider him practically married. I have been divorced for the past 5 yrs. and I always kept hearing that he still asks around for me and it started making me curious. I finally allowed a friend to give him my # and decided to meet him at a coffee shop just to get re-aquainted and see what would happen. It was a mistake because the feelings all came back in just that first hello hug that we both didn’t want to let go of one another. He has told me the reason he never married was indeed because of me. He also said that he never stopped loving me or thinking of me and that’s why he would always ask around for me.He said the relationship he is in has been wrong since day one, but he had to attempt to move on. He said he is miserable but stays because of his kids. He told me to give him one year and that it would all end so that we could begin our new life together. It makes me happy but at the same time I think about, What would have happened if I never decided to get in touch with him??? I guess I am just putting myself in her shoes and just can’t seem but to feel bad about it. I really don’t know & will never know the whole truth of their relationship and if I am to blame. He said he will take care/support his children and I have no problem with that because I too have daughter that has a father who takes care of her…
June 8th, 2009 at 2:31 pmI hope that people realize before getting into an affair all the emotional & mental distress/exhaustion that you go through, It isn’t easy for anyone involved in this matter. I know that my story may end up with a happy ending but then again, you just never know…
I got involved with a married man last August, only I didn’t know he was married. It took about two months for me to find out. I overheard people talking about his “divorce”. 8 months later, there’s no divorce proceedings started (because of the economy!), and oh, he forgot to take off his wedding ring the other day! I’ve only ever felt this much in love once before, so this is really hard. I’m planning on ending it in a few weeks. The next few weeks are critical for me at my work. I don’t want to be a blubbering mess during this time. Once I get past this deadline, I want to break it off. Any suggestions on how to get through it?
June 14th, 2009 at 3:21 amI am in the beginning of an affair and thinking of ending it. At first,I had the impression that he wanted out of his marriage. I have always known that there is no future in this relationship due to, he is 21 years younger than I am and we are trying to learn each others language to communicate. We both live in a country that neither one of us are from. He is young, sexy and foreign so I knew this was just a temporary fling. I am 53 years and he is 32 years. Great way to learn a language! Now that I know, his wife is moving here in six months, I feel that I am betraying her. He wants to continue the relationship with me even after she moves here. He says that he just wants to experience life before starting a family. Any suggestions??
June 22nd, 2009 at 3:05 pmI am involved with a man 9 years younger. He is married and just recently had a baby. I met him through my previous employer. When he used to come into the clinic where I worked my heart would flutter. It was like a school girl crush. I simply thought he was cute and it was something to look forward to week after week. When I left that job, I friended him on myspace. From there, we began texting one another. Now, we have had sex several times and I feel guilty about this infatuation turned into an affair. I have so much to lose, but I still desire him.
June 24th, 2009 at 12:03 pmI think the affair “typologies” out there help to sort out the different kinds of things that can motivate people to have affairs. I know my own was a classic “split self” affair, and my “partner in crime” was having this same type of affair (there was also an “exit affair” element). We were both quite traditional people who wanted to make our marriages work. I was married for 20 years to somebody who rejected me sexually the whole time, exploited me financially, rarely socialized with me, and wouldn’t go to counselling. I kept thinking there was a way to make it work – with enough love, enough effort, etc. I wasn’t somebody who was trying to escape the tough issues. I wasn’t a sex addict looking for thrills and excitement. In many ways, I was the classic “good wife.” But this attitude, pushed too far, was what eventually led to the emotional desperation that made the affair nearly impossible to resist. Sometimes people who are in affairs really are in bad relationships that SHOULD
July 6th, 2009 at 8:16 pm… Sometimes people are in bad marriages that really SHOULD have ended long ago. If you want to preserve your emotional integrity and not end up in an affair, being able to end a marriage that clearly isn’t working for you is just as important as being able to stick it out through tough times and tough issues. I felt I needed to say this because many of the comments above imply that people who have affairs are all trying to escape into a fantasy world. Well, maybe that’s true, but it’s not always obvious what people are trying to escape from. Some people are having a terrible time accepting that their marriage really was a mistake, that they really have tried hard enough at it for too long, and their attempt to escape from this truth is exactly what makes them have the affair. They’ve been faithful to their marriage to a fault, as it were, and this ends up making them unfaithful – more to themselves than the marriage.
July 6th, 2009 at 8:27 pmYou are missing the point. I don’t think that the spouses are trying to escape anything. I think that once they cross the line and begin the affair, they are in a fantasy world. It’s two different things.
If your marriage is so bad that you have to get out or escape, then leave the marriage before you feel pushed into an affair. I really don’t think that you can be pushed into anything. All of life is a series of choices. The choices that you make form the path of your life. I’m not saying that anyone that has an affair is a bad person. What I am saying is that, ultimately, you have the choice. It’s yours to make. God gives everyone a free will.
July 10th, 2009 at 4:28 pmThanks for responding. I do agree with you about life being a series of choices. In my case, I did take my own affair as a “message” that something was deeply wrong. I did go back and try to resolve the “real” issues in the marriage, and ultimately did leave it. I realized that if I chose to stay in that marriage, I would end up, at some point in the future, once again choosing to have an affair simply to have legitimate needs for connection met. And that in choosing to have the needs met in that dubious circumstance, I would indeed be “in the wrong.” I decided that I could no longer put myself in that position.
I can’t tell if my own affair is/was nothing more than a fantasy world. Right now, I wouldn’t say that, but I don’t discount the possibility that I might someday see it that way. People’s histories are so complicated, and it takes some of us much longer than others to understand what it means to have emotional integrity in relationships. I have a background of child sexual abuse, and spent much of my early adulthood feeling guilty and awkward about intimacy and sexuality. I wanted these things, but tended to form attachments to men who rejected me. I married one of these men, and stayed in that kind of relationship for 20 years. Sometimes I think I wanted to prove that I was good because I could do without sex, despite a strong desire for it. In this sense, my marriage truly was an escape from reality. While it’s possible that my affair was a fantasy world, it was no more so, and in some important ways, less so, than my marriage. But I would certainly agree with you that there might have been a better way, and would hope that better choices lie ahead. But sometimes people genuinely don’t know how to move forward, and have to make these kinds of “mistakes” to find out that, as you say, everyone has a free will. Life and learning are never perfect, and the line between fantasy and reality may not always be as clearcut as you think. There’s my two cents for now!
July 10th, 2009 at 7:07 pmI really appreciate your frank response. How courageous of you!! I can actually completely understand where you are coming from and it makes perfect sense to me. In turn, I actually completely understand my husband’s affair, although he refuses to discuss it with me and continues to act like it doesn’t exist. The “elephant in the middle of the room”, if you will allow the indulgence.
I am not a doctor or anything of an expert concerning these matters, but it seems that your circumstances are quite different…with that said, every affair has it’s own set of circumstances. Different things drive people in different ways. How boring if we all thought the same way! Life and learning…no they are never perfect. It seems as though you have a handle on yourself and have acknowledged what you must do to make YOUR life better at this point in time. Good for you and may God bless your future.
As for my circumstances, my husband would rather reside in his fantasy world right now and not address the issues at hand. How sad for him. I have watched this wonderful, handsome man deteriorate over the period of a year and a half to the point that he no longer resembles the man that I know. He thinks that the OW holds all of the answers. What he doesn’t see is that she is at the center of all of his confusion. That’s why I say that it’s a fantasy world. I have told him to please leave, but he won’t. Why do you suppose that is? Maybe deep down inside of himself, he knows that it’s just a game he is playing until he gets tired of it. I really don’t know, but I hope that he wakes up before it’s too late and I have moved on with my life and heart. Right now, I still love him, but how much longer can a person be subjected to the torment that he is putting me through. For him, the affair seems to me like an addiction. He has such super highs and then, super lows. It’s very painful to watch him continue to make the same bad choices over and over again.
My best to you, and thank you for your input. I respect your opinion.
July 11th, 2009 at 5:40 pmThanks for your kind words. You truly are in a difficult situation, and my heart goes out to you. Maybe the “answer” (if I can put it that simply for now) lies in doing whatever will preserve our self-respect and integrity, no matter what position we occupy in an affair: the other woman/man, the betrayed spouse, the cheating spouse. If one person in the situation will stand up for themselves, sometimes the others will wake up. The difficult thing is that in order to stand up for ourselves in these situations, we have to risk losing somebody we love.
Somebody I know was once in a situation like yours. Her husband was having an affair that he would not really admit to, that she discovered. He wouldn’t acknowledge what he was doing, or its impact on their relationship, and he blamed their problems on her. Like you, she still loved her husband, but chose to leave. To make a long story short, her action served as a catalyst for him to finally look at himself, and all that he had risked losing by carrying on the affair. Eventually, they reconciled and now have a relationship they can feel proud of.
There are many ways to stand up for oneself – that’s just one particular story, and everyone’s circumstances are different. But I think the general principle holds up: we need to stand up for the values we really care about, and even be willing to lose our relationships for them. Sometimes, that saves our relationships. Sometimes, that exposes a fatal flaw in the relationship, and we need to move on. But in any case, I truly wish you well in your situation, and hope that you will eventually have the relationship you want and deserve, whether that’s with your husband or somebody else.
July 13th, 2009 at 7:16 amTo be the other woman
July 13th, 2009 at 12:09 pmI did what no mistress should do . I called the wife . After a year and a half moving in together quitting a job on my part to take a new one . I was fed up. I too fell in love before we kissed. We met at work. It was exciting and explosive . The thing is I didn’t know I was the mistress I knew something wasn’t right , he worked out of town had an apartment in the city where I lived and traveled home on the weekend. He insisted he was going to visit his kids staying at his sisters . I thought nothing of it. Finally I began checking his emails till I found what I needed. Then I emailed and left a message on the wifes machine. We talked she confronted him . I was scared I knew I could lose everything. I was packing getting ready to leave when he walked through the door at the house we moved into. Threw his arms around me and thanked me for giving him the kick in the pants he needed. The wife and I talked she was not a monster. She still refers to me as the whore and the home wrecker and I do believe since the divorce process has stated she will clean him out. But as I assured him it can only happen once and we will rebuild.
As a father he is more attentive and devoted to his children. His visits aren’t spend sulking and arguing with the wife anymore. There is a lot of work ahead of us. I hate to see him suffer or unhappy. But to the wives who blame us the other women , the home wreckers the tramps. I’m not sorry , just be glad it wasn’t your husband.
To Post # 53…I see one fatal flaw in your post….He lied to you and he lied to his wife. Maybe you should rethink your position.
July 14th, 2009 at 10:25 amI have been searching on-line for hours and spend more hours in the last few months than I can count talking to my friend about her affair.
My friend is married to a wonderful man, who does have some issues that he needs to work on; such as: being more attentive towards her, along with spending time with her along with communication. They do not communicate, she does not want to rock the boat by confronting him about her feelings, needs, and wants. I told her not only is she going to rock the boat she is going to tip the boat over.
A married man with two children that she has known in passing for the past several years approached her a few months back and told her that he was interested in getting with her but had no intention of leaving his family, he lives right down the road, practically a neighbor, her husband even know him.
My friend also has two children, one of which does not live at home and the other is a teenage girl.
From what I have been reading on the internet is that it seems like she is going through infatuation, which is escalating to what is called limerance. She has developed the intrusive thinking. They had sex a couple times, twice in the first week about 2 months ago. Since school let out he has been unable to get with her because of his children and their schedules, but he calls her weekly to let her know that he still wants to be with her.
She says that she loves her husband and has no plans of leaving, but she liked the feeling when they were together (both times he was so scared that the total time spent was like 20 minutes each time.) He took her to a empty relatives house within a quarter of a mile from his house.
I don’t know how to get through to her, she is risking everything not counting all the hurt, pain, and suffering that would happen if this comes out to both of their families and friends.
Many times upon speaking with her, she says she doesn’t really care it feels good, but in the same sentence, she has no intention of leaving her husband and no desire to be with the other man. She has always suffered from anxiety, severe at many points in her life, but it’s like she’s done a complete turn around with signs of depression and just not thinking or worrying about the consequences.
The two live about a 1 1/2 miles from each other on the same road, it is a small community and everybody knows everybody. That doesn’t even scare her. She’s even flashed him a couple times when he’s going to work.
This is all so out of character for her. I’ve known her 14 years and she has never behaved like this or never would consider it, if for no other reason she would freak out with worry of being caught. Along with the fact that she has never even expressed a desire for anyone else.
Could this be a mental issue? I’m just not sure what to do. I know it’s probably none of my business, but I know her and her family and do not one to see anyone get hurt, including the other man’s family. Should I back off, Am I feeding into this even though she knows I don’t condone it and am constantly trying to get her to stop her behavior.
Most of our conversations consist of him and what she is going to do. Everytime I think I have her convinced to stop it turns around on me. She sees him daily in his vehicle. She started walking a couple months ago everyday and even walks by his house in the evenings when she knows him and his wife and children are probably home.
Does this sound like someone who has no feelings for this other man? Could this just be about feeling good, the excitement? She says she feels very lonely and I know this is not the answer and it is wrong for everyone involved. I am trying to get her to go to therapy, she is thinking about it.
If she doesn’t want to be with him or have feelings for him, why would she risk everything for a few moments of what she feels is excitement?
I’m at a loss here, I don’t know whether to stay out of it or try to keep talking to her in the hope that something that I say will click. My first husband did this to me and I will never forget the pain and hurt and to this day even though my children are grown it changed who they were, it still affects them.
I would appreciate any thought, comments, anything….
Thank you so much in advance for taking the time to read this and thank you for any responses.
Samantha
July 14th, 2009 at 8:00 pmThis woman is in complete denial of reality. A few months ago, when my husband ended his affair with a woman who lives not-too-far from us, the woman threw all caution to the wind, and began texting both of us, telling me to “have fun pretending” and even went so far as to come to my office to deliver me a box of items (cards, an e-mail, a couple Christmas ornaments, etc) that he had given her, as proof of his “undying love” for her. We had to have her phone numbers blocked, as well as e-mail texts, because she wouldn’t give up. Recently we were out riding bike together, and we saw her walking down our street, which is located such that you have to go considerably out of your way to walk there. We wonder how many times this has happened over the past few months. He cut off contact with her upon ending the affair, and was extremely relieved to have it over with, because it had started to become way too demanding. This “stalking” behavior seems to demonstrate that this person just can’t accept reality, and never wanted to acknowledge it during the relationship. He is creeped out by it, and wants nothing to do with her anymore. This friend of yours sounds similar. I’m not sure what kind of desperation causes someone to not be able to let go and accept reality, but I do believe it’s a mental issue or a maturity issue, as the writer above has suggested.
July 20th, 2009 at 6:32 amWow. Who knew this was so prevalent?
I have been having an affair with a woman 15 years my junior. I met her in January at our mutual work place. She explained that she was married during the first work meeting. I thought nothing of it.
Slowly but surely over the next 3 months she started to send more work related emails; show concern when I was sick; bring me homemade food, etc., etc. On a scale of 1-10 we share a 9 in interests. (Although sex is good, I am not including that in the 9) Pets, health, rescue, compassion, sun signs, interests, movies, food, jokes, spontaneity, etc. One day she said she had fallen for me, a huge crush. The temptation, after 3 months of this, became too great and I gave in against my better judgement.
She began her relationship happenstantially with a friend in 2000. Although she says she wanted to leave many, many times in the 9 years she hasn’t. Her partner wanted children…they had them. Bouts of cancer, etc., made the last 6 of the last 9 years intense, heavy, unending.
She says she needs to make a decision one way or the other of either leaving her relationshp and breaking up the family “unit” or staying in it and committing. I suggested I back out (I’ve tried breaking it off 3 times…she comes back within hours or a day) while she goes to couples counseling with her partner.
She does not want to give me up, yet feels that the comfort/kids/longevity of what she’s been in is something she “owes” to try and make it work.
Can someone who’s been the married cheater explain why she’s not easily letting me out of the affair? …and why she keeps saying that she feels her relationship is over but needs one more act of CPR before being pronounced dead? She says she will be crushed and devastated if I leave…
July 26th, 2009 at 3:03 pmHi #57,
She isn’t willing to let you out of the affair because it’s an addiction for her. Read what you wrote. She just needs one more time..and one more…etc.
Bottom line, get out before it gets worse. She will come back to you time and time again, but you will have to be the one to stand your ground. Think about her family…..her husband. He would probably be devastated by her actions.
This is a game for her right now…the “I need to feel good about me” game. She has some real issues in the marriage and she needs to address those issues instead of going outside of her marriage and family for comfort.
As for your feelings…you will feel horrible if you are the cause of the demise of her family. She sees you as a safe haven. In reality, she is just using you to some extent to comfort herself and to reassure herself. Don’t do that to yourself. You have reached out for help. In doing so, there is a large part of you that knows this is wrong. It’s up to you to be the strong one.
Now, go take care of business.
July 29th, 2009 at 1:09 pmWhy can’t you cowards tell your spouses its over, then go find someone else!!!
July 29th, 2009 at 8:11 pmWhy can’t you leave a not so heartless reply. Never say never that it could not happen to you. No one can understand unless it has and the real true pain of it.
July 30th, 2009 at 11:13 amAt the time my husband cheated, we were married 10 years & had two daughters, ages 4 & 9. My husband at the time, pretty much blindsided me and told me he had someone “special” and that he was leaving me for her.
The other woman, his coworker (I will call her Hope) knew he was married and had children, but she didn’t care. My husband moved out and divorced me 6 months later to marry his “special” woman. He called it his “new chapter in life”. His selfishness & cowardiness left a family in emotional ruins.
It took two years but Karma finally showed up. He and Hope broke up. Imagine that? He now refers to her as “psychotic”. The funny thing is, I am glad he cheated on me. He released me of a lifetime unhappiness. It’s been three since the divorce…and I survived, and have never been happier…
Oh and guess what else happened to the husband I loved & cried over when he left me? He’s broke, going bald, lives alone and trolls the internet looking for sex/friendship/love/anything w/ a pulse. He now tells me that he made an “impulsive mistake” (eating a deepfried twinkie at the fair is an impulsive mistake…we’re talking about people’s lives here! impulsive mistake, my ass). Anyway, good luck to all who choose to go down the cheating road, you will need it, trust me.
August 10th, 2009 at 5:38 pmI was the other woman for almost a year. I was single, very happy and was not looking for any kind of relationship. But, we met, hit it off right away, one thing led to another, and we were in love. He told his wife and parents about me. He wanted to leave and intended to leave. He didn’t because of his children. We walked away and remained friends. I moved on. However, his wife became obsessd with me and my life. She mailed me anonymous notes in the mail, drove by my house, spied on me, impersonated me, followed me in traffic, left things on my doorstep, called my work over and over again just to listen to my voice mail. It was very bizarre, juvenile, downright CRAZY behavior. This continued for over 2 1/2 years, even after I had moved on and was remarried! Court orders were served to keep her away from me, yet she continued. Her actions became criminal and charges were filed as aggravated harassment – a felony. She plead guilty to lesser charges, paid fines and is now on probation and now has a criminal record.
August 13th, 2009 at 9:15 amInstead of dealing with the issues at hand and working through this with her husband, she targeted me in a very childish way that became a safety issue for me and my new family. I want nothing to do with him or her and have moved on to a wonderful, happy life with an amazing husband. Happiness is out there, but for me, it certainly wasn’t found with getting involved with someone who was married.
Hi 61,
August 13th, 2009 at 11:44 amhow did you do it? I kicked my h out a 2 weeks ago when he bumped into the OW after he ended it 3 mos. ago. Of course, feelings were still there and bumping into her shot his progress down the tubes. I kicked him out and he left to be w/her. OW was ecstatic that now they can be together, finally. Well, i was angry, then I wanted him back to work things out. We have 3 young boys and they were devastated and he could not deal with the guilt of leaving them. He says he does love me but he is in love with her still. They met about 3 years ago. He broke it off so many times I lost count. She will not let go. She knew he was married. I can’t bring myself to not try one more time. My H doesn’t want to go to counseling b/c he claims he knows what he needs to do. He just doesn’t want any stranger knowing our problems…rather his cheating on me. I’m so sad, and my H comforts me a times. But on other times, he gets irritated when I “over do” the affection part. I feel rejected but he says he is not rejected me. He says he knows I’m not like that so to stop being someone I’m not. I just want him to get over the OW for good. I know it is a slow process. I hate it. I want to crawl in a hole and not come out.
From my personal researh on affairs here are some of the facts that I have found which may be helpful for many people:
1. Affairs are an escape from the realities of the world.
2. Affairs are not a rejection of the spouse but rather a rejection from the roles and the restricitions that the real world makes him to be. An affair makes that person feel freer.
3. People who have affairs live in a fantasy or unrealistic world for several reasons:
a. The person who is having the affair does not truly show his whole true self he only shows the best of his qualities in order to conquer his affair partner. During his affair he plays a new role and that new role is not the TRUE reflection of that person who he truly is.
b. People who have affairs tend to IDEALIZE the affair partner. An affair is a phase I relationship and in a phase I relationship IDEALIZATION of the affair partner is a basic characteristic. I recommend that research should be done on the characterisitcs of a phase I relationships, it a relationship based on ROMANCE and romance is in many ways a fantasy.
c. Affairs are when two people decide to meet each other and spend a moment with each other and give their 100% individual attention but but they are living in a moment where they are not confronting the obstacles and obstructions of the personal and social difficulties and problems of the real world.
d. Affairs are secret.
e, Relationship expectations in an affair are
unrealistic and have no foundations.
4. Affairs have a lot to do with character.
5. An affair is more a reflection of self -expression.
6. Affairs are a self- choice decision, it was not pushed by others or anything outside of himself.
7. It is a fact by reliable surveys and professional research that the marital partner who contibutes more to the marriage does not have affairs. However, the partner in the marital relationship who has not contributed as much to the marriage has affairs. Therefore, the marital partner who has not contributed more to the marriage is the one who has to contibute more to the marriage. This concept confirms the fact that the marital partner who is not having the affair has no blame or is the cause for that affair.
8. It is a conventional concept that in order for a person to feel complete about himself his or her marital partner is the one who should fullfill his partner´s completeness, however, no one can do that for you nor anything only you yourself can do it.
9. There are many reasons why a person has decided to follow the path of having a affair it may be because of social, personal, relationship, biologic or cultural reasons. Each affair should be handled individually.
10. Affairs occur even in good marriages.
11. The stats on infidelity are the following: ( Accurate statistics are very difficult to achieve because of the fact that an affair is considered by many a secret, however, a calculation can be made of it:
a. 80% of the people who have affairs and have ended their marriage regret having the affair.
b. 75% of the people who end their marriage and end up marrying their affair partner end up in divorce.
c. There is not even 1 out of 100 of a possibility that the relationship that began under infidelity will make it and even if your marital partner decides leaving your family or spouse the affair relationship will only have a 25% chance that it will succeed due to the fact that a relationship that has evolved from infidelity has no foundations.
12. Even though the person who is having the affair does not know it at the time the truth is that what really attracts him about that affair is not the affair partner but rather the “type” or “kind” of affair and the person who he becomes in that affair. With the help of a the therapist the affair person will eventually learn to know what it was about him that he liked so much and helps that person to begin to contibute those things liked about himself in the marital relationship. (This is the reason why a high percentage of marriages that were born under an affair relationship fail.)
13. If a person who had the affair does not face the reasons which motivated him to have an affair the chances that his second marriage or relationship will fail are very high because there has not been a learning and personal evolving experience. ( 50% of first marriages end up in divorce, 60% of second marriages end up in divorce.)
14. No one is imune from having an affair.
I hope this general information will be helpful, and again, I truly recommend that the best way to begin this situation is to not make immediate decisions especially when high emotional feelings are still there.The best thing to do is to Take your time to educate yourself, learn, and inform yourself by reading and reseraching on the topic. Get help.
August 20th, 2009 at 9:03 pmHere’s one thing that genuinely, seriously confuses me in the discussion of affairs. We tend to refer to the falling in love that occurs in affairs as an “escape” … but doesn’t the falling in love that generally precedes most marriages, whether they end up happy or unhappy, fit the same pattern? Aren’t the emotions the same?
How do we learn the difference between the falling in love that can inspire us to extend ourselves, become better people, etc., and the falling in love that is purely a delusion, that leads to nothing but misery? It seems to me, that unless we learn to do that, then neither our marriages NOR our affairs stand much chance of making us happy.
August 21st, 2009 at 7:44 pmI have been married for 25 years and have been involved in an affair for 2. Some days I feel so confused I don’t know which way to turn. My marriage has its problems but I thought I was happy until he walked into my life. I wasn’t looking to have an affair it just happened. We have been totally honest with each other, neither of us will ever leave our spouses. We know our time together comes after our other obligations, family, job, etc. There are times I wish we were together on a full time basis but I’m not ignorant, he has always been in an extra-curricular activity of some degree and has been married 3 times. I don’t want this man for my spouse. I want the excitment, the incredible mind-blowing sex, the secret moments. I could say I love him, I think of him constantly but I don’t think it’s love… I haven’t figured out what it is yet, I just pray someday before I lose the man that has stood besides me all these years, that I find the strength to stop seeing him. We’ve even talked about it, the funny thing is I know he’d just move on to the next willing woman. Why this happened to me I don’t know life was much simplier before. I wish I could just stop.
August 25th, 2009 at 3:32 pmI have been having an affair with a mm for over 3 years. It started innocently enough, My husband was a frequent cheeter, and I had had enough. A certain male friend was there for me, we discussed the problems in each of our marriages and we developed a closeness that is difficult to explain. An attraction developed and I became that which I lothe so much. I am the other woman. Like so many of you, I have tried to end it so many times because I know first hand how it feels to have your mate stray. Also, my divorce was very messy and I do not wish this on this person that is my best friend first, and my lover second. I do know that he loves me, and I love him as well, but i also know that it is not the “I want to spend the rest of my life with you” love. Quite frankly, he is too high maintainence and I can kind of see where some of the issues he has in his marriage are due to him. I would really like to end the sex part of the relationship, but salvage the friendship, but it is very hard. The relationship has become like a drug, a junkies quick fix if you will. That kind of addiction is apparent in so many of the above comments. I really think we all, including myself have to realize that true love is based on trust, honesty and respect. Evry affair is lacking these things. It is built on the shakey foundation of lies and deciet. Therefore if we think it is love, we’re soooo wrong. It is a drug addiction, and the repercussions are severe.
August 29th, 2009 at 6:40 pmReading people’s comments, I keep coming back to the question of (a) what affairs have in common with ANY intimate relationship; and (b) what distinguishes them from healthy relationships. I’m looking for what’s really at the heart of the unhealthiness of affairs. I notice that sometimes, we condemn affairs for characteristics that we find in most other intimate relationships.
For example, we refer to the “addictive” or compulsive characteristics of affairs (see #67 above). It seems to me that addiction and compulsion are not intrinsically destructive. We might, for example, distinguish between addictions that protect our health (e.g., the attachment to the endorphin high that accompanies regular strenuous exercise, or work-related accomplishments; or aspects of our attachments to marriage and family), and addictions that threaten our physical or emotional safety (e.g., drugs, highly risky sexual practices, including, possibly, affairs and some marriages).
Also, even in affairs that depend on a foundation of lies and deceit, there can still be some elements of trust, honesty, and respect. Similarly, the average marriage, even if unmarred by an affair, features some lying and deceit, and seldom displays an optimum of trust, honesty, and respect. That’s something to aim for – hardly anybody’s marriage starts that way.
Please don’t misunderstand these musings as a rationalization for affairs, or a trashing of marriage. It’s just that I’m looking for something deeper than the simplistic, black-and-white distinction between marriage and affairs. Reviewing all of our comments, I’m not so sure that the distinction is capable of producing any genuine understanding. Whether we’re single, happily married, unhappily married, cheating on a spouse, being cheated on by a spouse, or the other woman/man, we’re human and imperfect. We’re trying to find ways to stay present in our circumstances, see our own and others’ delusions and errors more clearly, take responsibility, and use our evolving knowledge and strengths to take a step forward. Marriage is probably a better vehicle in which to take that journey – it’s both safer AND riskier than an affair.
August 31st, 2009 at 11:33 amMy post is #68. After I posted, I realized why I’m looking for something better than the dichotomy between “good marriage” and “bad affair.” It’s because of my family background.
My parents had what looked, from the outside, like the “perfect” marriage. My Dad was a minister, and my Mom was the perfect stay-at-home mother. They “stuck it out” for 37 years before my Dad died of cancer. They did things well in the “old school”, traditional way. Definitely no affairs there … perfect fidelity, in fact.
And yet there marriage was a bit of a nightmare, especially in the last 15 years, and it was excruciating to watch them interact in my Dad’s final years. I won’t go into detail, but I found this to be perhaps the most disillusioning experience of my life. Despite their best efforts, their marriage was NOT a vehicle for personal growth and development. Their characters did NOT improve with time. There was NO mellowing, no growing wiser with age. Somehow, they managed not to do anything “wrong,” but they missed out on the opportunity to do some important things right. But they clung to the assurance they they’d lived “right,” not betrayed each other, stuck to their commitment, etc.
And I guess I found that to be a lie, and as much of a deceit, to themselves, to each other, and to their children, as an affair. There are many ways that life can go “off the rails,” and one of them is sticking to course at all costs.
Boy, can you tell I’ve got a certain amount of anger to process …??????????
August 31st, 2009 at 11:53 amTo the person who wrote posts 68 & 69… Thank you! It is true sometimes we spend so much of our lives trying to please everyone else that our own happiness gets losts. We find ourselves weighed down with obligations and expectations. Maybe it is cowardice to stay, but for me its easier than having to look into my children and family member’s faces and see their dissapointment. For me, my affair that I’ve been in for 9 months to another married man, is the easiest way for me to be happy. It is not my goal or intention to hurt anyone. Just to find some time to love and enjoy the man that I am so happy to have found.
September 13th, 2009 at 7:10 pmwell well ive heard it all now….excuses excuses excuses…leave before you embark on an affair…the pain it causes us loyal wives whos husbands go through this “i need to find myself phase” wanna get a life.you reep what you so and get all you deserve. in my case my husband said to me after he crawled back wanting to try again, that he just “lost his way”..having been married 30 years and listening to his weak story i feel sorrow for him. hes actually made me a much stronger person now, though i did hit rock bottom, but i surprised myself with what inner strength i did have. i have my bad days when i just want to scream at the other woman but i have self respect, something shell never achieve in a lifetime having been with a married man before my stupid husband.i hold my head up high because no matter what i ever did or didnt do i did not deserve that!!!!!
September 18th, 2009 at 4:21 amso if your thinking of cheating or are cheating think again, what you get in a moment of pleasure youll loose a lifetime in pain.is my husband sorry? YOU BET..he doesnt have another 30 years to make up, and believe you me thats how long itll take to forget…so we will plod along,but my eyes are fully open i have no expectations of him just sadness that hes thrown my love away…im trying to get it back but its like paper in water…itll never be the same…
I believe I have just started an affair with a married man. This is not something that I was out looking for, he’s my boss. A month ago I was leaving a message with his wife b/c I needed a day off, now I couldnt imagine having to talk to her. I’m in my early 20s and he is in his late 30s. We have not had sex, thankfully, but this extra relationship has already been taking away much needed study time for college. Not to mention, I’m in a relationship of my own and have lived with that person for a year. At first I wasnt sure my boss was married because he would often say that he had a girlfriend, I heard him only once refer to her as a wife. It wasnt until just the other day I noticed he had a ring on his hand, than the next time I saw him it was MIA. That was probably what set off the biggest red flag for me. I feel bad for his wife. I think it’s the fact that it’s a forbidden attraction that has caught us up in this mess. It’s the idea that we could be caught by a co-worker or his wife or my boyfriend that makes it extremely risky. Im giving up my job in about 2 months and doubt our affair will continue after that. I know he’s probably not going to leave his wife. Either way I still consider him a good friend, if that makes any sense.
October 3rd, 2009 at 1:32 amIve been married for 6 years now and I really do love my husband but Im soo addicted to the other man thats its been so painful to leave him alone. I would advise anyone against affairs. They are so painful and its just not worth it!! I’ve gone through hell and I’m still trying to get to the other side! I’ve always hated cheaters and the mere thought of cheating was a joke to me until I found myself having feeling for someone else. It started off innocent like they always do but 12 months later its been anything but innocent. He has tried to get rid of me many times but I just want leave him alone. I was with him two weeks ago. We know its wrong!.My therapist said we were addicted to each other. Well, Im sticking to my guns and I’m leaving him alone this time for good. I made that promise to the OM and I’m going to keep it. My therapist said I didnt seem to be feeling to quilty over what I’ve done just hurt over this OM. I dont think its even hit me yet! I do feel embarrassed, ashamed and disgusted with myself. I hope like hell my husband never finds out my life would be ruined. I’m not to worried about my life but we have three daughters and my husband would be devastated!! I kept wanting to know how the OM felt about me and he wouldnt even tell me! We parted on bad terms and he even said “IF you would just leave me alone” things wouldnt keep happenening! Words cant describe how that made me feel!! I felt like an out of control, man chasing slut! I’m soo ashamed and sickened! I would advise anyone living in their little fantasy work to WAKE UP and to get out! Its a cruel and selfish act! I know all situations are different but yet soo much alike and its usually LOTS OF PAIN that we all get one way or another!!
October 8th, 2009 at 10:22 amhere is some food for thought. I fell in love with a married man about 16 years ago. Was trying to break it off out of guilt when I realized I was pregnant. he left his wife (they didn’t have children) and we got married. 15 years- and six kids later, he left for another woman. I now realize that he is a love addict. addicted to the high of new relationships and the thrill of the secrecy. Turns out he had more than one relationship during our marraige. I never would have thought it- he seemed like a real “family man” – and I beleive that his first marraige was just a mistake (as he told me) because he was too young (early 20’s)
October 30th, 2009 at 8:23 pmPeople who cheat or are with cheaters really need to look at themselves. It is a symptom of a bigger problem. If you are unhappy in a marraige- then do the right thing and end it respectfully- and then pursue a new relationship AFTER being divorced. If you are with a married person- have some respect for yourself and EVERYONE involved (especially if there are kids) and demand them to divorce before getting involved. cheating relationships have more than a 90% chance of failing anyway-usually within the first three years (which is how long my ex lasted before he first cheated on me)
good luck!
Thanks for sharing your experience, #74 – I found your story quite sobering, especially because you don’t seem to be judgmental. You’re just telling it like it is, having been on both sides of it. Thanks again.
October 31st, 2009 at 9:02 amI found myself involved with a married woman for almost two years. I was married for 28 years, she for 20 years. Both of us in bad marriages. Hers was being married to a verbally and emotionally abusive spouse, me to a woman who had no affection for me, which included little sex (once every other month or so). I tried to work through my issues with my wife for years but they never got better. My affair was what you would call an “exit affair”. I got to the place where I wanted my marriage to end but just couldnt do it out of fear of being alone, what people would think of me, my kids, etc. She kept waiting for me to leave because she had a little boy and wanted to be sure of my commitment before she committed. We finally ended it. She confessed to her husband everything and told him she wanted to make it work. I did not confess to my wife although she knew. About a month or so later her husband called my wife (even though he promised his wife he would never do that to us) and told her every detail of the affair as confessed by his wife. My wife met me that night armed with that information. We went around and around. Anyway, my wife threw me out and that was the beginning of the end. I was actually relieved. It was over. I didnt have to hide anymore or try to survive in a bad marriage. I didnt think my lover was going to leave her husband and I was okay with that. Then she started calling me. I was thrilled. I love this woman so much and I wanted to be with her. Her husband moved out after she told him she wanted a divorce, and he was out for 4 months. We saw each other quite a bit. She still could not bring herself to go through with the divorce. She told me she had to try again and let him move back home. That lasted about a week and a half. She got an apartment after trying to do it about 5 times and we moved her in. It was great for about a month. Then she started feeling guilty and like she didnt give it enough of a chance. She asked me to back off for a time, which I did with much reluctance. They dated a bit but then she would call me and want to talk. Then she would want to see me. Things would go well for a bit and then she asked for time again. I gave her time again but she called me almost right away. Things went good for a little bit but about 3 weeks ago she told me she needed to really figure this out and no contact. I am devastated. They have started seeing each other again but last night I slept over her house. But again she said she needs to have time alone so she can see if her marriage is worth saving.
November 6th, 2009 at 11:27 amJust as some background, this guy has threatened her, has pushed her 3 times while they were separated. He tried to sexually accost her while he was saying goodnight to their son several times and she had to force him out of the house while he tried to put his hands down her pants. He has threatened suicide if she doesnt come back to him, told her what a horrible mother she is and how she is ruining all their lives. He calls 20-30 times a day on her day off. He complained that she made him get fat because no one is around to cook for him (he put on 20-30lbs), that he cant find anyone else because he has a lousy personality and has an STD that she gave him (supposedly). Also, their child is ADHD and he told her when the child was diagnosed that its was her fault and she caused it. Her being a bad mother brought this on. If she was a better mother then they would have diagnosed earlier and the child would be okay now. There was a lot of blaming her for everything during the marriage and making her feel worthless. She definitely has self-esteem issues because of it. He knows she hates screaming and yelling so he does it just to annoy her. He feels her place is to please him no matter what. So all that is reason enough for her to come back to him. He doesnt know that we are together again but I’m sure he has inklings. He is just so desperate that I dont think it matters. And she feels sorry for him and so very guilty over everything. She wants her son to have both parents to grow up with. But when she asked the son how she like the apartment he said “I like it. Daddy doesnt yell here”. But of course the child wants his parents together. He’s 9 years old. But my lover just cant bring herself to leave her husband for good, but she wont let me go either. I have moved forward and am now divorced because she was convinced that I was going back to my wife. I wanted to show her my level of commitment so I pushed to finalize my divorce. I was going that way anyway. My wife and I were done. I’m glad to be divorced. I just wish my lover would figure out what she wants and decide. I am an emotional wreck with all the back and forth. I want to be with her so badly and we have such a great relationship when she is in it. She is everything I want in a woman. I am deeply in love with her and cant see myself without her. I just wish she felt the same. I think that when I got divorced it pressured her into having to face the reality of an “us”. I know she doesnt want to go back but she is very frightened about being divorced and the hurt she will cause him. She feels bad for him and I’m sure still loves him, just not in love with him. But the marriage is so bad I dont understand why she cant see that and understand that it will be just as bad if she goes back, if not worse. They have never dealt with the affair and he doesnt do counseling. Neither does she, so the marriage has little chance of making it anyway. She wont tell him about us because she cant hurt him again. But she can hurt me over and over. I know I should walk away, that I am on the outside looking in, but I make the choice every day to put up with it for another day. I am emotionally wrung out. I have never felt such pain. When I saw his car there at her apartment and waited until after 10pm for him to leave I was crushed. I knew they were in there having dinner and making nice and who knows what else (kissing a bit I was told later). But then she tells me she isnt attracted to her husband in the least, that maybe she should just start having sex with him and it would be okay. I know thats going to happen. I cry all the time. I have never felt such pain in my life. I cant seem to let her go. Why wont she just end it with me or with him?
I know that I was to blame for a lot of this, that affairs are wrong and never the answer. I am not looking for any sympathy. It’s just that the pain I feel is just as real and just as immobilizing as any pain brought on by the affair. This is a hard road to walk. I also know that if we do end up together we have a small chance of making it, but I am willing to take that chance and try to work hard to be for each other what we could not be for our spouses. I just wish she would figure this out and decide. I dont know how much more I can take, although I seem to be a glutton for punishment and wont just leave her. I guess I’m just as addicted to her as she is to me. Its sad all around.
I am the OW..he met my family I met his work friends and his older kids…weve gone to my family functions and he has declared his love for me since day 1 and 3 years and 9 months…she probably started getting suspicious when she caught him on the phone with me and (the wife hired a Pi had him followed till she caught us at a hotel..on 9/11/09 ..so she gave him an ultamatum cut all ties with me….and He promised her he would…but he also told me hes in love with me and their 11 year marriage was only of conveniance….they have 4 kids under 13..and 2 18 year olds from prior relationships….she knows hes in love with me…and she still has a tracking device on his car…we are both aware of it…I have tried to end it with him but he will not let me go…he’s always calling me texting me emailing me…asking me to be patient…telling me he loves me not her….hes only there for the kids…..Everytime I ask him to leave me alone he just tries harder to be in my life….I am in love with him but im tired of this life…and to top it off…she constantly text me or emails me “leave my husband alone!” or tramp leave him alone…I dont respond to her abuse…but I wish she knew that its him….hes the one thats not letting go…If I tell her I dont think shell beleive me…she blames everything on me…but its not..its him……..help! Should I forward all his messages and emails to her?? or will that make it worse???
November 11th, 2009 at 10:51 pmI just started my affair a month ago and after reading all this I want to end it right away.
November 12th, 2009 at 2:56 amto #77 – my husband had an affair with a single woman who did contact me to, i suppose, prove that it was him, but in reality, it is both of them because she continued to accept his calls, advances, etc. even after giving me the fyi! if you are a smart woman, you will end it and move on with your life. just remember, you have to live with yourself & look at yourself in the mirror everyday! Where is your dignity? Therefore, my advice to you, in order to answer your question, would be to go ahead and tell his wife everything but if you plan on doing this only so she will get mad & kick him out (& then you get the prize), don’t bother! it will only make you what everyone says you are, a homewrecker. Be the bigger person here & realize that he is lying to you just as he is his to his wife. You may think you are the special one, but so did she at one time. He is the lost & confused one! I know her behavior seems crazy & erratic but that’s what betrayl does to a spouse. The hurt & anger is so hard & it has to come out in some way. The fact that she’s blaming you tells me that he must be telling her that you won’t leave him alone & it also tells me that he still loves his wife. In other words, you are his escape from his reality that he will probably never leave.
November 16th, 2009 at 9:02 amI am so thankful I read these posts. They’ve tremendously helped me. My situation is a bit different but almost the same. I talked to a married man for several years online
December 3rd, 2009 at 4:44 pm(he lives not far away from me), I had known his brother offline years before and I’d met this married man through him. We only talked online and that was it for a long time, I had no desire to have it progress to anything more then that. I was happy in my marriage. We’d talked for several years online and like I said I never had any intentions or desires to have anything further happen then that. In Nov. of 08 out of the blue he emailed me a picture of him, one that I’d seen already and his purpose for sending it to me really didn’t hit me. I didn’t give it much thought at the time. In January we talked for hours online one day, something we never did but I brushed it off. 3 months later he really started to persue me. He told me the classic things they all say… that he’d fallen hopelessly in love with me, that he’d never felt like this for anyone, that his wife never had sex with him, that she was self centered, controling, you name it. I did allow myself to care a little bit but I felt like had things been so bad with his wife he would not still be there after 30 years of marriage. On top of this I’d caught him in several lies. He knew my feeling right from the get go. He knew that I would not let it progress to anything more then friendship.Thankfully for me I did not have sex with him the times I did meet him in person. His wife did find out that him and I were talking. I recieved several voicemails from her accusing me of having sex with him, I was called a slut, you name it, and of coarse it was all my fault. And when I was able to return her phone call and informed her of the fact that I had not had sex with him, and had she been doing her job that she wouldn’t have to be so worried about him having an affair I was called again a whore, I was given the excuse that she was like she is because her children had given her so many problems (both are crackheads, one has a child that they have to raise, their both in and out of jail) but of coarse that was not her fault either. It was the fault of this husbands family, in spite of the fact that she kept them away from her children. After his wife found out he still continued to try to have a relationship with me, he still tried to tell me he loved me the whole nine yards. The whole time he was tellin me this the thought was always in the forefront of my mind that had he really loved me then when his wife found out about me he wouldn’t have begged her to keep him around. He wouldn’t have taken her on a romantic getaway to work on their marriage. I did tell him what I thought, to prove my point to him that in fact that he wasn’t really in love with me as much as he claimed to be I told him to leave his wife for me. My point was proven when he refused. Of coarse he fed me the classic reasons why he had to stay, he had a kid at home he was raising, he didn’t have anywhere else to go, financial reasons. In spite of the fact that I did care about him, I didn’t let my heart overcome me, I ended it once in for all then. It was through the grapevine that I found out that his wife found out he continued to talk to me,and once again he took her on the romantic getaway to work on their marriage. I also found out that he had told his wife I came on to him and begged him for sex, which I NEVER did. We never had sex but of coarse he wasn’t about to take any blame for what happened, he blamed it all on me. She disconnected their internet right off the bat naturally. It was already over by then but she was under the impression that I was iniating everything and she didn’t want me to contact him. Now here I am…. very angry. Thankfully I was able to keep my emotions in check, I never let myself believe that he was really in love with me, but yet I want to print up all the emails, all the instant messages that prove that what he told her happened and what really happened are two totally different things. The one thing that keeps me from doing it is the fact that I myself know the truth, I don’t feel the need to explain myself to anyone, I know what kind of person I am and it’s not what she thinks I am and she is the one who is stuck with a low life cheater. This has made me realize just how much my husband means to me. It’s made me appreciate what I do have and instead of being worried about them I am more focused on my own family. I am thankful that I was wise enough to draw the line and not let this progress into a full blown affair. Those of you still going through the process of letting go… don’t let it drag you down, don’t let these men/women feed you all these lies because if they loved you as much as they say they do… they’d be with you instead of begging their wives to keep them. Keep your dignity and hold your head up.
To #78. Get out of the affair now! I have been involved with a married man for 18 months and it gets harder for me everyday, not knowing what to do and its causing me alot of hurt.
December 4th, 2009 at 11:29 amI have been involved with a married man. We had a history before, dated 3 years 20 years ago and reconnected 12 months after my divorce. Neither of us ever stopped caring or thinking about the other, but we both married other people after we drifted apart. Now here we are right back where we started….except I got out of my bad marriage and he’s still attached to his. I won’t ask him to leave his wife, that is his decision and none of my business but it is time to get on with my life and am ending the affair… the only one who will take care of me is ME.
December 5th, 2009 at 11:20 pmNumber #82,
He’s not going to leave his wife. I have been involved with a married man for 18 months now and he has not changed anything for me. I hurt, I cry, I still carry this false hope, though he says “someday”. I want to give an ultimatum but will I find someone else. Confused and concerned here. I hope I will be okay. I am a gay married man(my wife knows everything) involved with another gay married man. What do I do?
December 7th, 2009 at 10:54 pmTo #83
Leave your wife and start a new life for yourself. Your situation is very difficult and the longer you drag this whole thing out, the worse it will be for your family in the end. I know, because my father was in this situation when I was a teenager. It was devastating to all of us.
December 8th, 2009 at 5:40 amTo those who blame the other person in the situation, please also look inside. The other person isn’t the homewrecker, the marriage was damaged to begin with. A spouse doesn’t stray if they’re happy.
December 17th, 2009 at 9:59 amI agree with #85. If he was satisfied and happy at home, he would not be in the affair. The other person is NOT to blame!!
December 19th, 2009 at 2:18 pmMy husband met a girl (literally, 12 yrs old)when he was 19 and fantasized about her ever since.He attempted to date her a few times but the age was a big problem.He married at 21, that marriage ended because of the same girl. He saw her off and on prior to meeting me. We were together for 20 yrs when he became obsessed with her again. I confronted them both, he begged me to stay. I did-fast forward to now.Their illusion never ended.He has seen her off and on all these yrs…I finally had him escorted out of my home last Thanksgiving. He began living with her right away.
December 24th, 2009 at 6:52 amShe has a body of a still pre adolescent, despite having one divorce and 2 kids. He is into internet porn in a big way-some ? child porn was found on his computer. He has her strutting in inappropriate places wearing clothes that one with any dignity would never wear beyond the beach…
Does anybody think their relationship will last? Im still confused by it all. I think hes just a sic Narcissist thats aging and truely has no regard for any woman (he never treated me respectfully).
The lady in 20 hit the nail on the head. My husband cheated on me also it killed me we were high school sweethearts. I know back in the day he cheated on my but we were kids then but 24yrs later hes still doing it. It put me into such a depression I tried to kill myself hes the only man I know the only man I have ever been with don’t know how to move on but I know I have to. His affair went on for over 6yrs and now there’s a child he tells me shes not his but come on the time line says all she just turned 5. When I think about all the lies he told me and my girls (we have 2).They are military and work in the same office he would tell us (me and my girls) he had to go out of town for work when he was going away with her. I cry all the time because hes ruined me my life will never be the same I have no trust not only in men but woman she and I may not have been close friends but she knew of me and she knew we had children but that didn’t matter.My children think always thought he was the best thing in the world and still do which is something else I don’t understand why is that. They know what he’s done was wrong they knew about the affair before me and kept it from me.At first the were very mad and were all on my side of this they would say make them pay take him for everything. I know this is not about taking sides I would never make the choose (I would not win there)they are very much daddy girls and always took him over me to them he was golden . So why was I not surprised when they befriended her it’s like they have turned on me when I’m not in the wrong. What happened to not only the mother and daughter thing but woman to woman bond why is it they aren’t here for me I thought they were so pissed off with him (them). It’s not like they are little kids they are in their 20’s so what happened they know right from wrong.I know she and the little girl will be part of his life and the will have to get along with her sooner then later but these 2 have done a 360 on me.We are in the middle of a divorce now this divorce has costed me and my parents a lot of money because he didn’t think I was going to charge him with adultery but I did in court they lied about the affair I had so much proof on them I could right a book telling woman what to do to get the proof they would need that it made their heads spin. His lawyer told them they had to tell the truth it got worse he would not turn over all the finical information requested by the courts they keep giving him another month to produce it and another month he still wouldn’t do it 4 more months have gone by each time the judge gives him more time it cost me and my parents more money. What should have cost 5000 for this divorce is up to 20 thousand I feel not only has he screwed me but so have the courts.. And my lawyer says since were going for a 60/40 split he wont have to help me pay my lawyers fees I owe my parents so much money and its still not over. I think my lawyer is seeing dollars signs here I know he’s over charging us bu I don’t know what to do.I don’t want to piss him off then he’ll drop me so what do I do !!. And it’s still not over now his lawyer quit she said he didn’t like the 60/40 split they got into a fight and she quite now he has no lawyer.The judge gave him 3 weeks to get a new one now we start all over again he just wont quit im not the one in the wrong here he is. He told me once that our marriage in his eyes was over 10 yrs ago and he wanted to explore new things (he just forgot to tell me) I have been trying to divorce this man for over a year now I don’t know how much more I can take . All my family live in another state I’m here alone with my girls (I might as well say I’m here alone the way the 2 of them treat me) For the life of my I don’t understand what the 2 of them are thinking how could they just turn on me I spend a lot of time alone I cry a lot I’m so lonely and lost I spent all the past holidays alone I was left with 3 xtra bills to pay now I’m so broke I have to stay home on my days off from work because I cant afford to waste the gas I don’t know whens the last time I went out to dinner.I know they say what don’t break you will only make you stronger but I feel I’m headed that way. I go to church every Sunday and pray for some help from some where I’m still waiting for it to come!! Is there any one who could tell me what to do I’m not angry anymore now I’m just hurt by the way my children are acting towards me. But Id say a prayer for all of them..
January 8th, 2010 at 6:31 amI too was a betrayed spouse and I’m having a hard time moving on .My husband was the love of my life I don’t know where or what went wrong. We have 4 boys and have been together since collage he was my first I trusted him with me my boys my heart. I found out he was cheating on me for awhile with a friend a coworker of his I knew other people knew like his family members and no one would tell me. The shame I felt how could I be so stupid not to know I noticed the changes but I didn’t want to admit it to myself. My husband of 18yrs was having a affair with a woman 15yrs younger then him don’t get me wrong after having 4 kids I still look great my body bounce back in no time. His co workers always tell him your wife is so pretty shes so nice I always helped with the parties and kids gathering for his work (he’s a big deal at his job) all I could think is how many of them knew this was going on . No one could give me a call or have a friend call and give me a heads up I know a lot of people don’t want to get involved but we were friends (I would have told ) I dont care how mad he would get I could not sit back and watch this happen to me that’s what friends are for (good true friends)And if she got mad at me that would be OK at least i put the thought in her head .We grew up together I know her very well now she would keep a watch on him to find out for her self and she would thank me later. Woman are just not there for each other anymore what happened to the woman’s code you dont date anyone’s old boyfriends ex-husbands no matter how long ago it was (unless she says its OK but even then is it knowing your close friend dated him or her maybe even loved them once and had sex with that person not me I could not do that..) Now its like every mans fair game I know there’s a shortage of me right now but ladies please dont take another womans man. Do any of you know what damage you do to the wife why is it you just dont care. Once you meet a man and you find out hes married or is involved with someone say good by No man it ain’t gonna happen with me. And if he moves on to another woman at least you know for yourself you did nothing wrong and you should pat your self on your back. To you asshole men what’s wrong with you how is it you don’t care what your doing to your family and children and friends who loved you guys that came for the holidays the cookouts the b-day parties whats going on in your heads. If things are not working in your marriage seek help try to fix it because an affair is not the answer. What my husband has done to me and my boys is something that can never change. Me and my children’s live have been changed for ever. I was a stay at home mom he wanted it that way I put my life on hold for him and my boys I haven’t worked in 12 years now what do I do I have no money he took it out of the joint account he left me 25 dollars in it. Not only did I loose my best friend I lost a part of me and I don’t know how to start over. How do you trust anyone again ( man or woman or friend)I’m staying with my parents now living on welfare because he didn’t think he was wrong in what hes done. He was the bread winner in the family But really how do you start over again how do you find love (if there’s such a thing ). I have been divorced for 2 yrs no one really ask me out I dont know why but I’m very lonely I just was a friend I don’t know if I will ever marry again the damage from what they’ve don cuts to deep. Remember he was my first love
January 8th, 2010 at 7:35 amI do beleive that the married man should have the balls to end the marriage if he is not happy and wants to move on. If not done,their other world can be hurt more than he expects, especially if kids involved. My souse had, I beleive 3 affairs when I found out, he left reluctantly (said that he did not want to destroy the family!) Should have thought about that before. She says that I sould not tell the kids not to see their dad, but they are adults and hurt so badly. He broke trust and respect, are they supposed to actually feel important to him? He would go to see her when it was a special family time, not want to see his son in hurt in the hospital! Just so he could talk to one of the other women! I have encouraged them to see and comunicate with their dad but one says that she does not have a dad! he should have thought about that. Other woman has a daughter whom he will do things with and he says that he would do things with his children if they would ask him! He has only in writing on bd or Xmas cards told them that he loves them but they are too hurt. he even gets upset with them if they don’t respond to texts or voicemails! He lied to them as well. I tend to wonder what in our relationship was real, or true! He did say that if I let him back that he would do it again!
January 16th, 2010 at 7:24 amHurt but glad he is gone. He is a fake. As what has been said before the one having the affair can lose a lot…. family, friends just to name a few, but they go into this looking for something different and should know that their world could change drastically. Could come crumbling down!
I can truly under stand what you are saying about changing your life forever, trusting anybody again and the thought of ever getting married again just seems wrong….why would one want to! And yes the damage does cut very deep and they and their other woman cannot or will not try to understand what is going on with you or your kids and will just say get over it! Sorry easier said than done when you trust someone that much!
January 16th, 2010 at 7:34 amSpouses looking for adventure or extracuricular activites do so in the right order…divorse first and be honest with everyone involved. Less hurt for everybody that way!
I am being persued by a married man, he is my sons football coach who I also have a career in common with, so as you can imagine we share alot of the same interests and get on as friends really well. I find him very attractive both physically and mentally but have refused to go to bed with him as in my mind this will start us on an affair. However I realise that we are having an affair even without sex after reading all the posts.
He tells me every day that he loves me it is me that he wants to be with even though I am denying him any kind of sexual relationship. We use our career(both self employed) as an excuse to see one another without anyone geting suspisious but we have now started to kiss and get more emotionally close.
However I find it increasingly difficult to imagine spending a lifetime with a man who can so readily lie and cheat. I am an attractive intelligent woman who should really be able to find that elusive ‘Mr Right’ out of all the single men out there?
He keeps telling me he will leave his wife and has begun councelling to try and make her realise the marriage is truly over and work out what to do about his 2 children. He asked me last week if he could tell her about ‘us’ as this would make it easier for him to leave?? This would have destroyed my reputation and seriously affected my sons life as he is in the same team as this mans son too.
All I say to him is when he is single and sorted himself out then we can think about us, if he still persues me then we can see where we are at.
I will stick to my guns after reading all these posts, the excitment he is feeling along with the chase I am giving him isnt really true life and thank you all for helping me to understand that!
January 18th, 2010 at 4:19 amWow. I knew I wasn’t alone, but good Lord.
I am the other woman. I’m in my early twenties and have become involved with a man almost thirty years my senior, who, oh surprise, is married. We met…let’s just say we are both involved in the music industry and ended up working together. Side my side, day by day, just friends, for almost a year.
And then I began to have problems with my boyfriend, and as I poured my heart out to him, he began to pour out his heart…relating to me that his wife of 17 years and he have nothing in common, they don’t share the same faith, some ideals, same interests, same life goals…what it came down to was he realized that after dating his wife for seven years, he decided to marry her, because “it seemed like the right thing to do”. Basically, he settled. He had been very in love with another woman some years before, who had rejected him. After that love, he never imagined that first, he’d ever find anyone quite that special, and second, that his heart wouldn’t let him ever fall in love like that again.
So then, about two months ago, he out of the blue asked if I loved him, and like a brick, it hit me in that moment that I’d fallen in love with him. I had a rather…let’s just say it wasn’t easy, childhood, which made me grow up very quickly. I’ve always been attracted to older men, I just never thought…well I never thought that I’d fall in love with a married man, almost thirty years older, in an unfulfilling marriage, who would, damn the both of us, fall in love with me as well.
Long story short, we entered the “emotional affair” aspect of things at that point, but both refused to act on it. We talked about it, talked about how no matter how we felt about each other, it would be wrong to start an affair, and about how it would hurt the people around us, namely his wife, and though he has no children, he’s been involved in youth programs for years, so he has alot of people my age that look to him as a father figure…and then the people we work with.
But of course, that didn’t last long, and after we finally broke down and kissed…damn good kiss, and at five ‘o’ clock that next morning, I woke up to a text message from his saying he has asked his wife for a divorce.
I got up, got dressed to go meet him (because I didn’t see that coming after only a few weeks of emotional attachment to that degree. My boyfriend of course, wanted to know where I was going at five in the morning, and I pretty much broke it to him on the spot…that I was going to meet this man. This was the week before Christmas, and needless to say, my holiday was pretty rough.
So my boyfriend left me (which was fine by me, to be honest, he just beat me to the punch regardless of what was going on with my married man), and my married man’s wife talked him into staying (mind you, he merely asked for a divorce on the grounds that he wasn’t happy…he failed to mention he’d fallen in love with a woman young enough to be his daughter.
And here I am, we are not sleeping together but we’re not just kissing either. We both realize we’re having an affair, and he’s the kind of man that if his wife asked if he was seeing someone else…he wouldn’t lie. But fact the matter is she trusts him too much to ask, despite the fact that he is indeed showing all the classic signs of being a cheating husband. I love him, simple as that. I don’t want to be the other woman. Hell, if being the other woman isn’t awkward enough, try being the other woman who is collage age. I keep picturing his wife calling me “that little tramp”…and it’s not like that at all. I’m not a piece of ass to him, and he’s not a sugar daddy to me. (as we’re both starving artists) We share the same dreams, the same interests, the same sense of humor, he’s one of the only people I’ve met with a childhood as insane as mine (we both have, in all definitions of the word, “crazy” mothers) And even more, while he does not have children, he always wanted them. That has been one of the big holes in his life, which is why he got involved with youth programs. His wife was not able to have children. I offer him the change to still have children of his own…something he’s long since given up on…
So that’s my story. I’m sitting in limbo. I’ve made it clear to him that I’m willing to remain “single” so to speak, for year, and allow him time to decide what he wants, and also so allow both of us the time to figure out if this is some mid-life crisis fling for him, or a overall rebound of how idiotic men my age are for me…time too come out of the honeymoon phase basically. I don’t want to be his lover, I want to be his wife. Unfortunately, he can’t have two wives, as he keeps saying.
I just want to know if I’m completely insane. He’s my best friend, and as much as we both know it would be hard, we are committed to, after a year, remaining friends, no matter what happens. At this point, like I said, we have not had sex, but honestly I think that’s just a matter of time. In the meantime, no one knows because his wife is too uninvolved in his life to notice who he spends every free minute with, and the people we are mutually friends with, people we work with already know we’re very close…so for them to see us together all the time is nothing new. They just have no idea what we do when no one is looking…
Yea okay. So I feel very conflicted. I’ve got every card imaginable stacked against me at the moment…but somehow the whole thing, us, just seems so perfect. Meant to be. I don’t want to be his greatest mistake though. I’m sure his wife is a nice person (I’ve never met her, and I’ve known him over a year now, if that gives you an idea on just how uninvolved she is in his life) but she’s got him trapped, and even more than thinking about how he may, in the end, choose to stay with her breaks my heart, it kills me to think that he doesn’t realize how much more he deserves. Hell, I think he deserves better than me…but he really deserves better than her…
Help?
January 19th, 2010 at 10:41 pmStick to your guns #92!!! When he is single and available for you to see, then possibly pursue the relationship. I wish I would have had your strength. From #81 and #83.
January 20th, 2010 at 10:31 pmI echo the encouragement of #94 to stick to your guns! I’ve learned the hard way myself that even if the people who have affairs aren’t bad, affairs themselves always seem to have the same patterns and issues, and nearly always end badly.
January 21st, 2010 at 2:28 pmSo many similar stories here it is amazing. I became involved with a married man while I was also married. We had been friends for about 5 years before anything remotely sexual happened. We both had a mutual attraction for one another but never voiced it until problems in our “other” relationships led us to an emotional affair. The emotional affair lasted for 3 months where he confided in me and I in him. We spent more and more time talking and offering one another a shoulder to cry on. We never so much as hugged one another. I believe we both knew that an extreme physical attraction existed and neither of us wanted to cheat. However, in a tale as old as time, literally with the first hug and touch of hands we were involved on a different level. We are still involved currently (11 months now). He is still “deciding” whether he should leave his wife or stay for their son. In the beginning, I certainly did have his family’s best interest at heart. I offered advice, helped him find support groups because his wife refuses to go to counseling with him because she says there is nothing wrong with her (his explanation of course). Keep in mind, this was in the beginning when we were still long term friends and not lovers. I am a very religious person and the guilt of what I have done or am doing kills me. I am in therapy now to try to move on. I have cut him off and told him that I can’t do this any longer. He needs to get it together and determine why he is “in love” with someone other than his wife. We literally hold each other and cry because we have such a deep connection but both know its wrong to continue. All attempts to end communication have failed. We may go two weeks without contact but he usually comes back telling me he can’t be without me. I ended my relationship with my partner because I wanted to move forward and the infidelity was not fair. However, the man I am having an affair with has not ended his. I have open and honest with him that I am actively searching for someone to spend my life with and that I am dating. The problem is, I am in love with him. Only he makes me feel whole. I have also been on the other end of a cheating spouse so please believe me when I say I understand the devistation it can cause. Sometimes things go too far and other times you find the person you have been waiting for. In my case, I guess I’m still looking. I hope I can love someone else the way I love him. Moving forward is the hardest part.
January 28th, 2010 at 10:34 amI am the “other woman” and was involved with a married man for over a year and a half. We, or I thought, fell in love after about 5 months of seeing each other. He left his wife three different times and has just returned to her for the third time. At first I was very devestated over him returning to her and feeling as though I was the only one losing out in this triad but I have come to realize, after much thought, that I am not the one losing out here. His wife is because she is the one who deserves so much more than he has given her or will probably give her. He has been deceptive to her as well as me and I truly wish I could take the pain I have caused her away, but alas I can not. I also hope she wakes up and realizes that he is a calculating lieing husband who only cares about what he thinks is best for him. She thinks I was the only person he had an affair with but I am not. He had one other one night stand and an emotional affair with someone else here at work that he admitted was very difficult for him to get over. I am committed to never speaking with or seeing him again regardless if they do end up working out their marriage. He has hurt me tremendously by promises he couldn’t keep for one reason or another and I was a huge fool for believing him. At the end of the day I was the one left humiliated and alone. I definitely learned my lesson and hope that others will before they cross the line and cause the pain that everyone is inevitably going to feel.
January 28th, 2010 at 10:48 am#96, I hear you. Except for the part about your being deeply religious, your story is almost exactly like mine! Sometimes when I read stories that are reminiscent of my own, I feel like I’m a tired old cliche (anybody else get that feeling …?). Other times, it helps to realize that my experiences are actually pretty common. These things are a bona fide part of the human drama, even though they’re not the scripts we thought we’d be following when we were starting out in life. And eventually, we’ll sort them out, I’m sure. A sense of humour in the middle of all the hurt and the pain is probably not a bad idea.
January 29th, 2010 at 6:21 pmIm a married woman in love with a married man who we met by working together. We have been “seeing” each other vary rarely, but always texting for almost 3 years now. He wanted to give up his life and kids for me, but I couldnt see a way… now he just texted me to say his wife has fallen pregnant after an “accident” Im gutted and feel physically sick.. of course they were sleeping together, its his wife after all !!
January 31st, 2010 at 2:41 pmhe says he still loves me but now because of this baby will be “stuck” with his wife forever now and miserable.
Im not sure how to carry on, the love I feel runs so deep…I will have to try but I have to work with this man. .(
To #99: What do you want to do? Can you deal with being married and having this man on the side? Can you lead this double life without hurting anyone but yourself? These are questions you must ask yourself. Everyone deserves happiness. Where and with whom is happiness with you? I am #83, still involved, yet still married. I can understand the deep feeling of love, I am there now. I will figure it out. Some things just take time, but how long?
February 9th, 2010 at 2:36 pm#100/83, I think they can take QUITE a long time, if my own experience is any indication. Four years ago, I was unhappily married and in a rather vulnerable state, looking after my terminally ill mother. Mr. Wonderful, himself partnered for ten years, gave me all the classic lines (“Nobody understands me like you do … I realize I’ve never really fallen in love before”), and I fell in love with him. I took him very seriously, and two years ago, left my marriage (though before this emotional affair was consummated; it eventually was this year). The love of my life is still on the fence and I’ve kind of accepted that he’s the type who always will be. I’m still in love with him, but I’m slowly allowing myself to put less stake in what he says he feels about me, and what he says he wants to do. I’ve tried to force myself out of this affair, but have accepted that I’ve had to follow my own process in coming terms with what happened. I’m glad I left my marriage, but in retrospect, I guess I didn’t leave it for something better. My own consolation is that I genuinely love this man, and acted sincerely. Nobody can take that away from me. But the next step is to stop allowing myself to be in the emotional bind that that love has created. But I’m okay. You will be, too, in time, whatever happens with your affair.
February 9th, 2010 at 6:23 pmI am married, he is married, our affair has gone on 10+ years. My husband had previously discovered us twice. Just a few months ago his wife found an email from me on his cell. Since that time he has ceased all contact. My question is this. How can two people be involved for ten years and one day just stop without so much a goodbye. I don’t want to sleep because he is in my dreams, I don’t want to be awake because I can’t stop thinking about him. When will it ever get better. One day I am angry, the next I am desperate to send a email or call, the next I am crying……..it just never ends. If I had it to do all over again, yes I would. I think you have to have experienced love to know that you have lost it. And think about this, isn’t it ironic that the person who breaks your heart is the only person that can fix it.
February 10th, 2010 at 4:12 amOkay, fellow travelers on the path of absurdity, it’s Valentine’s Day as I write this. How many of you are trying to keep your spirits up while your lovers are out for dinner with their spouses or partners? How many of you settled for a Valentine’s date with your lovers on Friday, so as not to interefere with their “real” lives? How many of you declined dates with other, available men/women, who might actually have appreciated you, so that you could be faithful to your philandering lovers?? Is it just me?? If it’s you, too, I will raise a glass of wine tonight to our collective healing! Love to everyone else out there who for some reason needs to learn this lesson.
February 14th, 2010 at 5:15 pmI just ended an affair the day after valentines because I love him. Forget about the chocolates and flowers.. we had climbed a mountain and had lunch at the top. I was the married one, with no children, but in an increasingly fractious relationship and meeting this man was like a shot of lightening. He is not married but has children, is too soft and nice a guy and really adores his kids and will put up with abuse from his partner. She has taken over his house and he has no choice but to leave, but is reluctant because of his kids and the home he worked on. I have been a refuge for him and we really are friends, but I felt that I could not listen to his story anymore as he had to make decisions on his own. I have been seperated since meeting him and have no regrets about that. Some of the comments here do not take into account that people can be in very bad relationships and are trapped by circumstances. It was very hard to end it but I do realise it had got out of hand and lying and supterfuge are not great justifications for love. A dose of reality is the best medicine. I do think we will reconnect later as the basis was more a friendship than sex, though that department was a real shot in the arm for both of us after years of non existent intimate life. Jeez .. humans have needs and if they are not met they are going to come out somewhere. Neither one of us cheated before and I can’t see anything happen like this again. good luck everyone
February 17th, 2010 at 11:40 amI searched out this site from curiosity. My heart is heavey, my eyes cry nearly daily, I pray to God for guidance and forgiveness, and I no longer can afford therapy. My husband was my high school sweetheart and I loved him dearly. After years and year and years of physical and emotional abuse, I think I had a breakdown. I met a man who was married. My mind was not clear. I thought I could deal with it all. I ended up getting the strength to end my marriage. It was a very ugly and sorted mess. I am now single, struggling financially but probably much better off emotionally, and still seeing “my friend” after 10 years. He is my best friend. He loves his wife, hs children and they are tied very closely to his career. My therapist said this relationship wasn’t bad for me because it taught me that I am lovable and that some men are nice. He told me, however, he hopes that when I leave I do so thinking the I have been lucky to have experienced this relationship. My emotions are like a roller coaster: one day thinking I can handle this; the next day thinking I should end this out of love for him and his family not wanting to hurt them; the next day thinking he is just using me (and I knwo he is not); the next day thinking why am I so unlovable, what I have done that leaves me alone in this world. I have no answers. I know there are similarities in all of our stories. I will tell you that if his wife ever was suspicious I would do my best to cover for him. He does love her and wants her to be his life partner.
February 18th, 2010 at 5:32 pmI am involved with a married man for the past three to four months now, and I am very ashamed of it, but I need to declare I am very much innocent party. I loved him, we met in our work, he pursued me, I never wanted to get involved with a married man knowing that we will not have a future. But, we started the affair very very accidentally. He done so much things for me, I never take him into my considerations at first, but he always at the point of time finds ways and means to meet me, date me out, do extra-ordinary things for me. Then gradually, he captured my heart, I felt something tickle my heart, I fell in love with him after many months working with him and going out with him because of work. I subconsciously fell in love with him, and am now struggling to leave him. He mentioned he will not leave his wife due to responsibility (he is now 50 plus knew his wife since 18 years old), and also financial drainage if he were to leave his wife. He seems to be my perfect ones, we share so much things in common, in work and in character. I am 35 years old, I am now in the state of always finding ways to leave him, I was quite temperamental and did mention will he leave his wife for me, I threaten to leave him, but in my heart i cant, I will still return to him. He told me his wife had recovered from cancer, thus their sexual life was not satisfying and they did not perform sexual activity for more than 2 years. I felt this is none of my business, I cried almost every night, I felt he used me, I wish to leave him but I find difficulties. He is so accomodating to me and with my needs. I am an independent woman who is very devoted to my work and has been a workaholic. I really love him because he is the best guy in comparision to my ex boyfriends and my current persuers, he is so caring, sensitive, matured and have a great sense of humour. It is a great contrast to my fellow guy friends who appeared to be very immature, uncaring and insensitive. He said he really loved me but cant ‘afford’ to leave his wife. Pls advice me what shall i do and how shall I forget him. I really this has never happened, I never want to be the other woman, but it has happened and it seems like a no return…………….
February 21st, 2010 at 10:23 am#106….. leave him. It takes about a month to start feeling better about not having him in your life. If you do not leave him you are going to end up hurting much much worse. If he has already told you he isn’t going to leave his wife then he means it. Most of the time they don’t even when they tell you they will. You are still young and have time to find someone that is available for a full relationship. Not one shrouded in secrecy. Please take me advice and get out before you get in too much farther. Nothing good will come out of this for you. He is only acting the way towards you that he is because he wants for you to stay in the affair. Believe me when I say you really don’t mean anything to him. I really do know.
February 22nd, 2010 at 9:22 amI am grateful to find this site and all these stories. Not too many of women being the one having the affair with younger men though. It came out of nowhere for me; didn’t even realize I was unhappy. Just kind of settled into the 14 year marriage thought it was for better or worse and got tired of his depressions up/down and his abusive/anger behavior – on and off throughout the years. We both started ignoring each other and going out and partying with others and stopped communicating. I found a young man 14 years younger than me (I was 39 / he was 25) He was from a different country here temporarily for work. We had so much fun together even though each time we were together it was an incredible effort for both of us. I forgot about everything when I was with him. He was charming, funny and we really connected. We are a lot alike in the sense of our zest for life and people. I know we would have a blast if we could travel together. I know it was a fantasy. He awakened me; turned on the light. Made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. It went on for about 4 months and then he went back home to his country. I have been moving on, recommitted to my family and working hard to live a life of honesty and love for them but I cannot stop thinking about him. Even though my husband knows I had this affair and we have really been getting along great and communicating really well I still long for this other person. It’s like this control thing. I travel for work and I wish I could be with the other one. I want to have both men in my life for they both give me something special and unique. i don’t ever see myself with the other man full time; he’s too young and has not lived yet; doesn’t even know who he is. I actually like being the older one, wiser one, almost want to be like his muse… I want him to be happy and find someone who believes in him to be everything he is meant to be. I just want to be that person until he does. I cannot get him out of my head.. go over every detail we spent together daily. Songs, scents, driving on certain streets… it sometimes makes me cry for no reason. We are in touch a little bit through the internet. I can’t stop. It is an addiction. Don’t know if I’ll ever see him again but I’ve been willing a trip near his country. It takes a lot of energy out of me and sometimes distracts me from what I’m supposed to be doing. Guess I just need to go back into therapy. I can never tell my husband my true conflicts within my head. Sometimes I just wish he would have an affair and we’d be even. Is it possible to have an open marriage?
February 23rd, 2010 at 9:52 pm#108, I don’t know if it’s possible to have an open marriage, but I do remember asking myself that a few years ago when I was in a position not unlike yours. I remember reading up on polyamory online, for example, and considering whether that lifestyle might work for me. In the end, I concluded that while I can love more than one person at the same time, I can only be IN LOVE with one person. And I was no longer in love with my husband. The big test for me was, would I still be attracted to the open marriage concept if I divorced my husband and married my lover (who I was very much in love with), and then my lover/new husband wanted an open marriage. How much of a polyamorist would I be under THOSE circumstances? When I put the question to myself this way, I realized that no, I’d definitely want HIM all to myself and my thoughts of an open marriage were simply my own rather weak and selfish way of trying to cope with an unhappy marriage. Don’t get me wrong there – I’m not trying to be judgmental of myself or you by mentioning “weakness” and “selfishness” – it’s just that sometimes we say we want to be unconventional or creative in our lifestyles, but then we find we want the alternative lifestyle strictly on our own terms, to suit our own needs and nobody else’s, and there’s little courage in that. In some cases, of course, both spouses might agree to an open marriage, so there’s an element of fairness there, at least within the primary relationship, but then I wonder about the other “secondary” people they get involved with … maybe those people would fall in love and stay involved, hoping that the secondary relationship would development into a primary one ……. and then find themselves drowning their sorrows on sites like this as the “other woman” or the “other man”. Still, I like discussions of these issues – it gets you into the sticky issues where you really test how you feel when push comes to shove. Anyway, good luck sorting things out.
February 25th, 2010 at 8:23 pmAlmost a month ago my four year affair/relationship (whatever it was)ended ver badly and dramatically. Quite simply i called his wife and told her where he was. he behaved very agreesively towards me nad told me in his fury that it had just been all about sex and that would be his story to his wife. He also told me that wouild never know what i lost . I have felt very bad since then grief anger releif and an overwleming urge to see him amd talk to him. I am ashamed to say i have e mailed him amd phoned him a nd have even driven past his house. He has not contacted me since that night.
reading all these posts my story is so similar, shared intersts, developing friendship and eventually a full bown relationship/affair. I was even told i was a soulsmate , his only friend. We spent a lot ot tiem together holidays and weekenda way seen each other 3/5 times per week .He phoned me everyday,
March 13th, 2010 at 3:47 amIn November 08 his wife found oud and he terminated our relationship by phone his words. i was complerlety devatasted and very depressed. I worked hard to try and rebuild my life. Two months later he called me and i foolishly returned that call. i got the whole sob story he had wronged me made a mistake his marriage would never work out you now the script. So for he last year I found myself in a sitution of constant stres and anxiety he spent significntly less time with me , disappeared fro weeks didnt contact mr ( on holidays withis wife they had no children) I broke up wuth him may times and he was alwyas able to break my resolve, I had no strength at all. I also aske him many time s to be hinest nad that if hecould be happy with is wife i would be happy for himand pleaded withhim not to mislead me agsin. You can guess the kind of reassurance i recieved
About two months ago his wife fouund out that he had been in touch with me i believe he only adnmitted to an occasional meeting.He was a very sorry man very upset and i gave considerable emotional support.
he was working htrogh the process to leave his marriage , she would not accept ther were always problems and he wanted to end things in his time with the least damage possible, he wanted her to accept that ther marriage had been over for a long time an dpalnned to put his house on the market.
He was never a generous man he bought me a beautiful very expensive ring he had never given me jewellery. he told me that he wanted to acknowledge how wonderful are relationship had been nad how much he valued and loved me.
For the next couple of weeks i became increasinglu distressed i feared that he was going to leave me again. i agian asked him to be honest with me and said thet i did not want to go throuhgh another year of deception I told him again that if he could really sort his marriage out i would be hurt but ulimately happy for him, He againreassured me that he was making plans to change his life i clearly told him that any changes could not be founded on me or our relationdhip but had to be best for him and that ther were nio guatantees of a furutre for us.I did say that i would like the opportunity to have a normal relationship.
A couple of weeks later i found myself watching him levemy company to step outside to phone his wife no doubt to offer her reassurance that he was in fact just on a business trip. I dont know what he said. We had had a lovely evening. He was agitated.
I will never know what happended but it wasas if a switch flipped in my brain and i knew there ould only be more and more lies and i would again be very hurt. I left and then called his wife. His ensuing aggresson and haste to go home told me all i ever needed to know.
A month later i still have mixed feelings regret shame relief loneliness anger a desire to see him gain. i will always wonder how i allowed myself to be so used for so long. I torture myself with trying to work out was there ever any genuine feelings/ friendship for me
I am ashamed that i called his wife and that my beahviour has hurt her yet i know she will not have been told the truth i am very tempted to send her th ering he gave me all the gifts he gave me all the telephone bills tha show all his calls. I want to but that desire will pass and woul donly hurt her more.
I am not young i have lost all my friends and am quite alone. I have wasted four years of my life my physical and mental health has suffered.
I sort of know why i fell into and peresisted with is relationship and am now in therapy to help me sort myself out. I am srtuggling and believe that all is well in his life he has most liely been forgiven again and all his well and he will nevr have to assume any real responsiblity for his deception for so long to two decent women. I am paying the price for my behaviour and he wil have got off scot free.
So while life and love is complicated never ever accept a relationsip with someone who is married it isnt right and you will be the one suffering alone.
This message is for # 101, from #83… When I read you posting to try and better understand the situation that I am in (and still)…I thought I was the only one who felt or thought like this. I am on the fence and so is he. I guess to ease the stress I have come to accept the way he is and always will be. This is the second time this has happened to me in my life, the first time was when I was 22, now 38,. I do love him, and care for him deeply. I guess just take one day at a time, (like he says). I guess I “left” my marriage, but for something better???? To #101, I will be okay, someday………
March 15th, 2010 at 9:59 pmI was 22. He was 32. I was so young and stupid. When I look back now I see just how much he manipulated me, to the extent that it could be considered abuse. So many of you think you are soooo in love. What you really are in is a fairy tale. Be prepared too because not all wives will look to their husbands as the bad guys. To the wife, the wife’s family, and your lovers family you are nothibg but a piece of sh*t, whether you were lied to and told he was “separated” and manipulated through out. Take the advice and get the hell out!
March 29th, 2010 at 10:28 amFor the first time in my life, I’m having an affair. I decided to do this mostly because my own relationship ended nearly a year ago and I am not ready to date or even think about getting into a committed relationship with anyone. I have no expectations that this man will leave his wife. I have no expectations of love or a lasting relationship with this man. Put simply and directly, he fulfills my sexual needs and I fulfill his. Other than that, I really don’t want him around. When I am ready to find a man of my own, this will end. Until then, I’ll keep doing what I’m doing.
April 10th, 2010 at 2:07 pmPersonally I believe that our society will be brought down because we have allowed cheating to become commonplace and accepted. Marriage is tough and people should plan on sticking through the tough times and not seeking out these affairs. Divorce laws should be re written so that the cheater pays a greater cost for these affairs. spouses should also be able to sue the “other person” for their involvement. If you do the crime you should be ready to do the time. Only when we as a society recognize the cost that broken marriages bring on our whole society and transfer that cost to the guilty parties will we be able to recover.
April 12th, 2010 at 5:47 am#114, you have a very specific view on affairs, and I am sure you have your reasons for thinking this way. Do you think it would be good if your logic was extended to other areas of human ignorance and misbehaviour? For example, do you think it would be good if children could sue their parents for what they perceived to be bad parenting, even if the parents believed they had done their best under trying circumstances? Do you think that future generations should be able to sue our generation for environmental mismanagement? Do you think we should be sued for not voting, or not participating in civic life? There are ever so many ways to misbehave, and some of them may have equal or greater implications for the health of society than affairs. If you want to promote the “blame and shame,” litigious view of problem-solving, then just how far would you take it? Just to the issues that you think are most problematic? Personally, I’d rather have a less black-and-white view of things. But of course, that’s just my take on it, and I welcome your contribution to the dialogue.
April 12th, 2010 at 9:12 amMy husband had many affairs, one with a woman I treated as a friend. I helped this woman escape from a dangerous abusive relationship which threatened not only her safety, but that of her 3yo son. I gave her a place to stay when she called me terrified in the middle of the night. This woman was his ex, and the mother of my stepson.
I knew he had been cheating on me, but didn’t know the who, what, when, where, or how. I had his child and I was determined to find out the details and get rid of whoever it was completely out of our lives. I couldn’t face leaving him when I had no proof as I wanted our son to have his family and I was determined to fight for it.
In the end he admitted everything to me after a self development workshop. One of the facillitators had experienced being cheated on by her husband and helped him to empathise with the fact that I knew but couldn’t prove it, and how it might make me the angry, frustrated, betrayed person I now was. I was so relieved that he was honest with me finally. All the times he would nit pick and fault find, and emotionally withdraw, and missing time and money…it doesn’t take a genius ladies and gentlemen.
I phoned this ‘ex’ and confronted her. She denied everything and called my husband an idiot. Her only concern was that I would tell mutual acquaintances what she had done, and so she went about trying to white ant my relationships with them, and actually succeeded in a few instances.
If you are the other woman, believe me, his wife does know. She just doesn’t know the details, and it is hurting her, and their children if they have any. I gave everything within and without to this man, and he put his penis in that?!! Gross. Disrepectful doesn’t even cover it. Why the hell wouldn’t I become self righteous and angry, and maybe a little difficult to live with? The only comfort I have is in knowing I did the right thing by him, and my child. I have the pride that I acted like a lady my son can be proud of, and that is something the other woman will never have. That and the fact that it has now become very very obvious to everyone who knows all of us that she is a liar, and all I had to do is be honourable, strong, and compassionate. It is also very obvious to my husband how very close he came to ending up with a bitch, and whore, along with a very much reduced bank balance, and investment portfolio.
Don’t kid yourself. If you do end up with a cheater, chances are you’ll regret it later when he starts using you too. Life is filled with boring, mundane details, and when he sees that it’s just as mundane with you and his kids, as it was with his wife and kids, and his wife has cleaned him out, guess what – he’ll blame his involvement with you for his unfulfilling life instead of taking responsibility, and cheat on YOU.
Don’t be a sucker, and don’t kid yourself.
April 14th, 2010 at 3:52 pmI have been in an affair for 15+ years. I love this man deeply and I believe he loves me as much. All of what I’ve read here is similar in nature but some things I’ve figured out are:
May 2nd, 2010 at 12:02 amYou are always last on the list, period.
When your life falls apart like losing a parent, or job, or other life’s miseries he/she will not be able to console you. While we have shared in decisions about our lives, ones that involved our jobs, money, kids, the most intimate things, he couldn’t hold me thru the nights when my mom died. And worst of all, I know when I’m old I won’t have him to share our memories with.
The reason most of these relationships don’t make it is the resentment that you harbor every day eventually finds it’s way to the surface and the relationship begins to self destruct.
The truth is, if that person really wanted to be with you, they would be.
Get out as quickly as you can because you WILL come to the place I am, having given 15 of the best years of my life to an illusion. The love is real I promise you that but it won’t change the rest.
My god i cant belive what i have been reading ive been reduced to tears just reading what people have writen. I myself have been involved with a married man now for onlt 6 weeks om a single mum good job went out with friends and ended up talking and yes we hit it off i asked if he was married as there was no ring on his finger to which he said no even his brother said he wasnt!! So the night goes on and i couldnt belive that ive finally met someone who is normal so to speak and yes drinks were flowing (but i wasnt drunk) and one thing led to another he stayed at mine and yes we slept together and he left the next day and was still texting me the following day until he rang a few days later and asked me if anything would change if he was married? My heart was going so fast i couldnt breath properly and i knew deep down that he was call it womens intuition so then the words im married came out and im so sorry to lie to you and if you want to walk away i understand two days later cwe meet up for a chat face to face and god i felt like punching him but i listened to what he had to say hes been with his wife for 20 years three kids isnt happy they dont talk dont ever go out together and he says they are like sailing ships he met me and its all changed so i said i need to think about it why did i need to think about it any normal person would of walked away but no not me i couldnt get him out of my head so thats when it all started i really need to kick myself and need to walk away but i just keep getting pulled back in he is the person i think about when i go to bed and the first thing i think about when i wake up he always texts mr rings when he can tells me that he has fallen in love with me and doesnt want to lose me and it scares him that i might do that up and walk away from him but the longer we see each other the harder it gets and yes ive fallen in love with him and he has now mentioned that he wants to leave her as he is that unhappy at home god my head is so confused it hurts can someone please help as i dont think i can take anymore life is so bloody complicated!
May 9th, 2010 at 2:34 pm#119…. If it were me I would insist he leave his wife, if that’s what he really wants to do, before I would take the relationship any farther. The man I was involved with gave me the same old sob story of being in an extremely unhappy marriage that is by all accounts over. He left his wife a total of three times, and guess what, he went back to her a total of three times. Try to do some research on affairs on the web or read a book. They are an addiction much the same as alcohol, nicotine, and or drugs. I have been clean for almost 4 months, after an 18 month affair, and feel so much better about life and myself. Nothing good ever comes out of an affair. All that ends up happening is every one gets hurt and most of the time the other person is the one who ends being hurt the most because when its all over and done they go back to their spouse and you are left alone while they at least have each other to help them heal.
May 10th, 2010 at 10:07 am#120 I cant ever tell him what to do and i never will i have nothing to lose but i know deep down i will end up with a broken heart but no matter how many times ive told myself to walk away i simply cant why is that? Ive told him he really needs to think long and hard about what he wants and whaere he sees us in 6 months time to which he said ‘i want to be with you’ i couldnt answer him its like the devil and the angel one saying you stupid woman what are you doing walk away now its getting to hard and the other saying hang in there give him time to sort his life out! But the question is how much time do i give him because the more each day goes by the worse he is feeling and he tells me how much he loves me and wishes he was with me he is making excuses to go out and even texting from home shit that is pushing the bloody line especially when she is at home?! Does she know what he is upto god knows maybe she does but doesnt want to exept it i really dont have a clue. I wish i was as strong as you and i admire what you have done you sound asthough you have sorted your life out wish i could do the same!
May 10th, 2010 at 1:12 pmwere do i begin i was married 10 years ago for 14 years i was so unhappy in the end the last years of our life together i had and affair it was so good but it made me realize how unhappy i really was. so few years later i left. not because of the affair that affair was long gone but i had enough. years later well currently everything i despised about having an affair meaning what i dont if my ex knew i had an affair makes him look bad and that not why i did it.. i learned you just dont do that you leave and thats wat i did regreting along the way my actions vouching i wouldnt do it again ever. if i had thoughts thats it leave and go on my way. well te kicker is now i am still single never remarryin very independent and content with myself my life the strong one… and not wanting to settle or tie down and here i am having an affair with a married man. its been 2 plus years and its not about sex thats the funny part we are really good friends who have had sexual encouters but thats not alot but the sex is good he is always respectful he doesnt pull punches to say he is unhappy but briefly touched down on how inadequate at times his wife makes him feel and we can be together just holding and embracing eachother and we talk everyday but at times i love him at times he is just my friend at times i am so darned confused as to what i am have i lost it i tell him at times we dont need to do this nomore and bam week later right back missin eachother… what in the world im not in denial i am not any of those things i dont know what i am i dont say im the other woman or am i … this began innocently we worked together for several years and he lefft the company and still to this day its like he never left… he works so hard for his family and i so care and he wears himself out knocking it out and if his wife only knew how that man felt its sad after 14 15 plus years it gets old worn out takin for granted and its not fun to feel like that i been there done that and i tell him dont give up you will get through this wow no matter wat i feel i still care and it is so weird to me i do love him as my friend
May 10th, 2010 at 7:30 pmI discovered my husband of 21 years had been having an affair for 3 of them. Call it women’s intuition, but I went through his phone and he’d slipped up and forgotten to clear everything from his sent box. The message was intimate so I called the number and the answer machine message said it all. It will help to explain that my husband works away from home for a few months at a time at sea, and had met this woman at a time when things were very difficult for us with a lot of upheaval in our lives. He met her at a party and she pursued him. She new he was married from the beginning, and spun her web of lies to try to lure him away from his wife and family. It was easy for him, he would just go to her for a few days before coming home to me, soothing his ego and getting caught up in the falseness of it all. A mutual stroking of ego with no reality at all. That is until she started to make bigger an bigger demands on him. Threatening to tell me where he was, blackmailing him with money and the like, and generally being conniving and manipulative. He should have bailed at the first sign of a threat, because her repeated demands for him to leave his wife and her greatest efforts to present herself as the alternative to his perceived problems actually came to nothing. She new he would never leave me because he told her so, and when asked if he loved his wife he would say yes! This medusa punced on my husband in a moment of weakness, and set seeds of doubt in his mind. The discovery of this vile liason, actually over the three years amounts to very little physical time together. Around 4-5 months in total. This woman did’nt know my husband, and he didn’t know her, but she wanted what she didn’t get. My life as his wife, and as her threats and manipulation increased along with her demands, my nemesis was her final downfall. My husbands fear that if I found out I would leave him kept him going back under her threats, and his relief after confessing and telling all was blatant. We talked and talked for nearly three weeks while we tried to work through how to handle it (of course, the minute he had been rumbled, he called her to tell her it was over), and our marriage has good foundations, so as difficult and painful as it was for me, I knew that my husband loved me, still; loves me, always did love me, but instead of talking to me he chose to soothe his ego by screwing around with someone who handed it to him on a plate. Although the dynamics of our relationship have changed, we are closer now than we’ve been in a long time. I have maintained my dignity throughout the whole disgusting thing, and my revenge on the filthy whore he slept with is that we are stronger for it, and she is the one waking up to an empty space beside her, without the man she so desperately tried to steal, used and alone. Exactly what she deserves. Marriage is a sacred institution.
May 14th, 2010 at 2:12 pm#122… I was the other woman in a relationship and feel a lot of guilt. What I did was stupid and hurtful to another human. The man I was involved with ended up staying with his wife. There are times I miss him but in the end he made the right decision after we both made so many wrong ones. You are so right in maintaining your dignity and becoming stronger with your husband as being the best revenge. Women who try and hurt the wives, more than the pain they already feel, are scum bags. There were times I wanted to call his wife and tell her things about our affair because I wanted to hurt him. I’m just glad I was able to stop what I was doing and not hurt this woman any more than I had. The guilt I have for what I did I will always carry with me. So please let yourself continue to heal and know he really does love you. He is human and made mistakes, we all do. What would be more tragic is if we don’t learn from them. I don’t believe once a cheater always a cheater because I do believe some out there are just weak and learn what is truly important to them in the end. It sounds as if your husband has and I commend you on being able to work on your marriage as opposed to taking the easy way out and divorcing him. On behalf of all other women out there who are deep down good but made a mistake I am truly sorry you went through what you did. There’s no excuse but there is moving forward with your life and learning to trust again.
May 18th, 2010 at 7:48 amI am the other women. this by far has been the most difficult situation i have been through.i have been in love with a married man for 1 year now, I am married as well. both feelings are strong and mutual. As the months went on, the realtionship got harder and harder cause you want to share almost every waking moment with this person but you know you cant. I was trying to end the relationship cause i knew i was closer to a divorce then him and i was too scared to stay attached to him fearing he wouldnt leave his wife. the day we had this conversation to end it possibly and left the wife caught us. It has been one week and i have not heard from him. This is an awful feeling!! Although I will never have an affair with a married man again, I do not regret meeting him. I know i probably deserve to feel this way, however it took the both of us to begin this affair. so its sad when the wife just blames the other woman.
May 30th, 2010 at 7:24 amI am the other man and the woman I love is married to someone else. The hardest thing about this situation was a surprise for me, it is the fact that I am the secondary partner. If I need her, she can’t be there for me. We won’t share holidays together. It is just an illusion. I’m living in hope of something that may never happen.
May 30th, 2010 at 10:05 amwow. so the man i was in love with for 1 year whos wife caught us, is not trying to reconcile with her. When we met, he was close to divorce, however was scared for money reasons to not go through with divorce. Now that she knows she is trying to act as if she is the happy wife however its an illusion and they are not telling one single person to protect their “image” in the community and belive they are going to continue this healthy marraige. Why do peope lie to themselves?? Is this marraige going to last or eat them alive? i dont get it!
June 3rd, 2010 at 4:23 pmbeing in love with a married man is not easy but the man’s wife has to be totally blind in not seeing what is going on having clean laundry, bills paid and coming home late you have to be really dumb. I have a man in my life that i do everything for & he does the same for me but doesn’t she realize take off the blindfold and see what is going on. He will do anything to be with me spends 99%of the time with me from walking on the beach to buying grocery for the house. Some woman are stupid that is why married men go find someone else.
June 4th, 2010 at 9:52 pmI am recently divorced and I bumped into a guy from past who I knew to be married. So I thought, here is a chance to have my cake and eat it too. I am not looking for a boyfriend or a serious relationship. But I do want to feel fullfilled. Well anyway, I find myself getting so attached. He went out and purchased an additional cell phone just for him to communicate with me. I asked him has he ever cheated before and he said not physically, I think that is a lie. But I find myself doing exactly what the article stated above. Making it so easy and perfect when he is with me, by not complaining and making sure I look absolutely gorgeous, by having the house spotless, and we do not discuss his home life. I try to focuse on my needs and making sure he meets them. As I stated before I thought I could handle it because I really dont want a man around all of the time and I really dont want to be on the dating scene, but I find myself on this emotional rollercoaster. This is just crazy and it is making me depressed. It has only been a week and I feel as though this has been going on for months. I know that I need to end this but how. There needs to be focus group helping women in this situation. It is taking control of my life, Trying to be available to him whenever he is available and always trying to make him feel like a king. And I dont know why im doing it. My own husband did not appreciate the things that I did for him why should someone else’s husband?
From TOW (The OTher Woman)
June 5th, 2010 at 7:55 pmHi its #118 again so i yet again find myself on here as over these past 4 weeks ive found myself in such a dilema its breaking my heart ive been involved with a married man now for a couple of months and he left his wife two weeks ago after an argument with her he told me he left her for me for a while i belived him but as the days went by it got harder and harder for him as his children were cut up about him leaving and his wife was pulling out all the stops to make him go home but he went back to her which i knew deep down he would he said he has done it for the sake of his kids and thats the only reason why it has nothing to do with her my head is hurting and im so confused its crazy i have to belive everything he tells me but he says that he has fallen in love with me and doesnt want to lose me over his decision to go home my god how can he love me i understand that he has alot to lose and ive supported him every step of the way but i supose he has the best of both worlds ive ignored his calls and texts but he is trying his hardest but its making me feel worse so why cant i walk away i really dont understand why i cant cause i know deep down he will never leave her again for me and we will never be together as a normal couple im usually a strong person if my closet friends want my advice on anything id give it to them straight and ive nearly lost my best friend over this as she can see im hurting so much and she just wants me happy so why cant i take thier advice as i know it makes perfect sense please help i really need a kick up the arse as ive hit a dead end and dont know where to turn??!!
June 6th, 2010 at 2:55 pmI’m 31 and divorced (it had nothing to do with cheating)….
June 6th, 2010 at 3:52 pmEveryone probably will feel im a bad person, but i did it anyway. About a year ago this man with his friends came to my work ( I’m a wine bar manager) for some drinks. Some of them i already knew,they were nice people, always had a laugh with them. An there was him…. First thing I’ve noticed was a lack of wedding ring and that i fancied him. I chated with them all, I saw him following me with his eyes all the time. He became a regular, always drinking nice french wines, always chatting with me. I found him interesting and very appealing. Couple months later i discovered ( i asked, he told me) he was married with 5th child on a way… and i backed off. That was 10 months ago. Many times we ware close to cross the line, but i was the stronger one and always stopped him in time: usualy by making a joke or mentioning his family…. But now, about a month ago i just couldn’t do it anymore….
We started an affair. He spent already 3 nights at my house, we had many other occasions for intimate relations. I know he loves his kids and wife but he still did it. In 15 years of being with her I’m his first lover, he is very religious and very family orientated… It’s very confusing for me. I would like to end it and we try every week, but it ends in bed… as a goodbye, and then it happens again. The problem realy is, if we ended it, we probably wouldn’t be able to see each other as we grew close friends during last year. I’m just very very very confused at the moment. I know what the right thing to do is, I just don’t feel strong enough to do it… I definitly don’t want to hurt anyone, and i know I’ll be the one suffering the most. I wish it never happened, but I’m glad it did. He gave me amazing moments together and long ago I’ve learnt that you should grab any kinds of happiness when it happens because it doesn’t happen a lot and those short moments will always be with you….
#118, I’m sorry you’re going through such pain – most of us on this site who’ve been involved in affairs as the other woman have been exactly where you are, or in situations that bring out the same kinds of feelings. So, remember you’re not alone, even though you probably feel that way. And remember to love yourself – you’re more important than this relationship that is currently driving you out of your mind. I know you know that. Look after yourself, very very deeply, and you’ll eventually begin to let go of the affair, though maybe not all at once. Take good care.
June 6th, 2010 at 8:35 pmThank you #131 its #118 again ive never felt so much pain and hurt all my emotions have hit me at once its like being on a rollercoaster and every day gets harder my tears are running out i know in my heart i have to walk away and i know i can do so much better but i cant seem to pull myself away from him its like a drug and i cant control it and yes i know im more important he doesnt deserve me he has done so many things to me over these past 4 weeks i should of walked away he gets jealous of me going out with friends likes to know where i am when im out doesnt like me having male friends and makes me wonder what his life is like at home hates it when i dont text back the list goes on and the madest thing about it is that he is the one that is married and im single one but time after time he is so sorry and admits hes jealous but that he cant help it thats just him my god this is crazy and i know deep down i have to let go i just cant find it in me to walk away?
June 7th, 2010 at 12:51 am#130, Thank you 118. Oh, i can see you in almost the same situation! It’s really shocking to learn how many of as are there! What is it that we cannot resist in those man? And from what i read most of them sound like decent guys…. I feel for all of us in here and pray that we will be strong enough to finish something that brings us hurt and tears. I hope tomorrow will be my big day when i tell him its over and I’ll stick to it. For last couple of days that situation was non stop on my mind and after reading all the stories here and on the other pages i have to be strong and do the right thing. He will never in a million years leave his wife and 5 kids so I can stop fulling myself right now before i fall head over hills for him(just hope i haven’t already done it)….
June 7th, 2010 at 7:44 amSo girls! Let it be our strong week! I’ll let you know how i did it!
Take care for now
I know, #118/132, it’s really hard to walk away. I’ve been in your position (with variations, of course) for three years now. I, too, knew I should walk away, but couldn’t — or I would break the thing off (many times!) and then be talked back into it. I’d start dating other men, and he’d tell me he loved and wanted me, and I really did/do love him back, so I’d end up back in it. I know the rollercoaster emotions you’re feeling. I’m finally starting to feel a new calmness, but it has taken a very long time. Personally, I have found that as long I try to think of “letting him go” or “letting the relationship go,” I CAN’T let go. What I am starting to find helpful is to think of it as letting go of the part of ME that is willing and able to picked up and put aside at somebody else’s convenience, the part of me that thinks it’s okay to be treated less than honourably, etc. I’m finding that by thinking of it this way, I’m naturally starting to put less energy into the affair. You probably have some self-esteem issues of your own that keep you where you are. I notice that in your earlier post, you mentioned needing a kick in the butt. I don’t know you, but I don’t think you need that. Frankly, I think that you’ve had all the kicks in the butt you need, and what you’re going through right now is one giant kick in the butt. I think you just need to find that part of yourself that really, really knows, deep down, with no ifs or buts, that you have a lot of love to offer, and you deserve the same back. Once you really get in touch with that woman inside you, and really believe in her, the affair won’t have that same magnetic quality that you’re now experiencing. You won’t hate him for what he’s done, or yourself for what you’ve done, you’ll let go, with kindness and love. But be gentle with yourself. It might take you days, weeks, months … or even, as in my case, years to get there (I wish you a shorter journey than mine!). You’ll know when you’re there, and you’ll be fine. Blessings on you at this hard time.
June 7th, 2010 at 10:37 am#130….ohhh…. 118 and 134!!!! I loved your posts! They so true and painful.
June 7th, 2010 at 5:07 pm134, i wish all the ladies in here your strength and faith. I’m trying to convince myself I’m strong and confident and I don’t need him…. I hope all that will be true when I see him next. That’s the worst… In the time I don’t see him I can grow appart, feel distant and no emotional, but as soon as i see him I’m trembeling and can’t control myself. And i dont even know if he feels the same… Ok, we’ve known each other for a year, stareted this sick relationship around 5 weeks ago i know he fancies me, but i also know he will never ever leave his family. And as much as I know none of them wants to leave their family.
All we are for them is a little bit of crazines, a bit of freedom. they might love it, adore it but love for their other family will always win.
So, girls, please, lets pull ourselfs together and find ourselfs own man, the one who doesn’t come home to their wives and you don’t have to share him with anyone. Someone just for us! I strongly believe there is one like that for everyone of us! And I know its going to be very hard, but we are grown woman with our own baggage and we know how life is and we know how to deal with it.
I read on different websites, that woman like us are weak and psyhopaths! No, i very disagree!!!!! Wifes don’t know about us! Maybe we shouldnt be having affairs with married man, but its all atraction, passion and love….. All the same factors that brought them together…
The only difference is we came later, when the marriage and children came. If we met those man x years ago, as they first big love, would the story be the same?
To #134 reading your post brought tears to my eyes as i read it but today i have made my decision that enough is enough i have agreed to meet him tomorrow and im telling him thats its finally over and that i have to walk away the text messages are still coming all day everyday all the ‘i love you so much cant imagine my life without you’ its constant and to be honest im starting to feel guilty for wanting to let him go and get myself back to normal the life i was leading before he entered my life and silly me let him him opened up to him about everything but the truth told he can and never will be there for me the way i want him im starting to have no faith in myself my best friend has seen such a change in me from being all bubbly confident outgoing etc to a quiet cant be bothered lady and all because of this one man that has changed my life upside down how can this one man do this its mad and i really cant work it out!!! And #134 your words were so true and i thank you for what you said ive really taken on board what you said i know its going to take some time to get my old self back but it has to be done and i will do it tomorrow is a new day and a new beginning!! To #135 us women are not nutters so to speak we are only human after all and no we cant help who we fall for it just so happens that they have to be married my heart is breaking and it hurts so much i feel powerless and not in control but i know deep down i have to do this for myself end of will keep you posted x x
June 8th, 2010 at 10:50 amHello everyone. My love has ended our relationship to work on her marriage. My feelings are impossible to describe.
Someone above (117) said – if they wanted to be with you, they would. Here is another thought about that – the reason they are not with you is that, however much you love them and however important they are to you, they believe they have something BETTER than you.
Strength to all of us.
June 9th, 2010 at 9:41 pmHi its #118 again to #137 im so sorry to hear what has happened ive made the biggest decision that i thought i would never have to make and that feels so heart breaking but i had to walk away from a married man that ive been involved with i had to put all my cards on the table and tell him it was over and my heart is broken in two but i knew that i had to do it he was devasted he didnt want me to leave but im the other woman he left his wife once but went back for the sake of his children but if he loved me as much as he said he did he would want to be with me yes i understand its hard for his children but im hurting too so thats its i couldnt carry on with our relationship it was so painfull and i couldnt go back to the way it was at the end of the day he has the best of both worlds and i would never had the life i imagined with him walking away from him was the hardest thing ive ever vhad to do but i know its for the best i dont know how long my broken heart will take to heal but part of me feels like a huge weight has been taken off my shoulders but i need to get my old self back start to have faith in myself again and enjoy being single and yes he is still in my head 24/7 and he still texts me saying ive made a huge mistake we would of been great together and that he doesnt know how things are going to work out at home but his wife doesnt know anything about me and he doesnt love her he just went back for the sake of his kids but i got involved i fell in love with him so much it hurts but i have to move on now and let him get on with his life im scared of bumping into him if im out and im scared i will go back but all i know now is that tomorrow is a new day and i have to take one day at a time no matter how much it hurts and get my life back until then good luck to you all and i hope you find all the happiness you deserve x x
June 10th, 2010 at 1:22 ami feel for 138. It such a horrible feeling. I was the other women as well and knew i had to do the same. I would have such mixed feelings of anger and love for the man i was with.He didnt know how to leave his family. However how do you stay in a broken home where the kids sense this. Its not healthy. I still have wishful thinking he will leave one day cause i do love him. however you do have to get back out there and just have a little faith! good luck!
June 12th, 2010 at 7:57 amHi 118 – good for you, and I hope you’re hanging on to your resolve. I think I read somewhere that in situations like this, when you end it, you can expect at least 10 days of feeling absolutely awful. If you can make it through those 10 days without going back to him, you’ll start to feel better. So … start counting! If you feel you need on online supporter when you’re weakening (and believe me, no judgment here if you do weaken), just write something here and I’ll cheer you on. I partly say this because in cheering you on, I’m cheering myself on. I’m really trying to let my affair go and I’m going to need a lot of support to do that. I can’t afford to be involved with somebody who needs to treat me this way, no matter how much I love him. So, 117/138, hang on to yourself, and let go of him, and I’ll try to follow suit!!!
June 12th, 2010 at 11:44 amHi its #118 again i wrote a couple of days ago that i told the married man i was seeing that it was over thank you #140 for what you said it really did cheer me up and spurn me on yes its only been a couple of days but my god i really didnt think it would be this hard but ive stuck to my guns even tho the texts messages are still coming on how much he loves me give me a couple of weeks and i will leave her i want to be with you its tearing me apart its just on going and it brings back all the emotions and feelings i have for him but yet again i have to be strong and stick with it cause i cant let myself go back to the situation i was in i know deep down he wont leave her its all head games and im determind for it not to happen again and thank you #140 for cheering me on and i really hope you can do the same yes we get ourselves involved in these situations and we cant help who we fall in love with but it takes two at the end of the day i really hope you find the strengh and im cheering you on aswell x
June 14th, 2010 at 3:17 amKeep breathing deeply 118 … it’s 140 breathing deeply with you! (Gosh, maybe we should have these numbers printed on a couple of team sweatshirts!
Remember you’re well at your core.
June 14th, 2010 at 7:21 pmhi its #118 im breathing 140 but very slowly but god its so hard i really dont know what to do with myself its so bloody hard but im sticking with it have to for myself even tho i want to run into his arms again and go back to what we had cause god i really miss him and he is really trying to win me back but ive stuck to my guns cant let myself go back to him so im hanging in there and its taking all my strengh but slowly and surely i will get back to my normall self!!
June 16th, 2010 at 2:48 pmYou really will, 118, and we both will. You’re doing well.
June 17th, 2010 at 4:37 amHi again #118. I should also add that if you can manage to do something deeply caring for yourself at this time, it may also help. For example, yesterday I had a long bodywork session. The session helped me to feel how bad my posture has gotten in the past year, as I have felt more and more despair at the way my affair has gone. I think I might have forgotten how to stand up straight (in more ways than one, obviously!). Right now, I’m focusing on the feeling of standing up to my own true height. Doing this is helping me to see what the affair is doing to me, and helping me to accept that no matter how much I love my affair partner, or how much he loves me (assuming he does, which I think he genuinely does), it’s just not possible to have any integrity in these situations no matter how hard you try (and I’ve tried!!). For you, posture might not be the issue that gives you a visceral index of your current sense of self-worth and your deepest aspirations as a person, but if you know what does, maybe take this time to do something that restores your sense of confidence and wholeness. It will keep your strength up, I think.
June 17th, 2010 at 6:30 amTo #118
June 18th, 2010 at 5:04 amI am the betrayed spouse of a 3 year affair the my H is having with my ex-best friend. Thank you for your insight into how difficult it is to let go of the affair. Although I have no sympathy for my H’s affair partner, I can understand why she won’t let him go and why he won’t let her go. It’s time for me to just kick him to the curb. I have my pride too and I have been treated so cruelly by both of them. Hang in there #118. You are helping his family more than you know. If he is this weak, you don’t need him anyway!
118…You’re inspiring! Unfortunately I find myself in a very similar circumstance. I hope you are holding on, it is indeed excruciating. You won’t know if he means business until he actually follows through with what he has said. I am trying to stay busy, be positive, and put reality into perspective. I’m working through my unresolved anger and unanswered questions. I am determined to move on, but never dreamt it would be so difficult.
June 18th, 2010 at 12:00 pmI’m only a teenager and I have a best friend who I have liked for a long, long time… finally, he told me the feelings have always been mutual, and for about 4 months since, we have been seeing each other. Kissing, hugging, holding each other, etc. He started out saying he didnt need a physical relationship from me, but now he talks about touching my breasts and making out with me… It’s weird and I don’t like it at all, and he still has his girlfriend of 2 years. There’s been so many ups and downs and we can either be a couple or not, but I don’t think we can ever be friends again… I’m so passive and I make it seem like I’m not angry with him MOST of the time, but I’m so young and I don’t even NEED a relationship; there’s so many other boys out there and there’s so many important things in my life right now.. It’s not like I’m of the age to be married or anything like that, as this article talks about.
I can’t tell him I’m done. Everytime I do, we hang out and he breaks boundaries again and I let him. But I can’t stop hanging out with him, either. He is my best friend in the entire world and he knows everything about me. i feel like he’s the only one I can talk to.
I get mad at myself bc I show no self respect for myself. My family knows about it and some friends, and they tell me I’m better than that. I know I am. I know I don’t NEED this, and I shouldn’t get wrapped up in this teen drama, dating crap.
And I don’t see him breaking up with her, either. But I can’t end this. I just can’t.
It makes me worry. When I’m older, will I be one of those women with no self respect? Will I think it’s ok if a man hits me, or if a man cheats on me? Will I be one of those mothers that never makes the right decisions, even if it’s in the good will of my children?
I don’t wanna be like that… but I’m seeing these weak, wallflower qualities in me right now and I hate it.
June 20th, 2010 at 7:43 am#148, at your tender age, you already know exactly how it feels to be the other woman, so with that experience under your belt, you don’t ever need to be there again if you don’t want to!! I’d say take it as an opportunity to learn the lesson early – you sound like you have a fair bit of insight into yourself and the dynamics of your situation – work with that, and move on. Good luck!
June 20th, 2010 at 7:01 pmHi its #118 again this site has become the only place that i can truley tell my feelings my poor best friend is beside herslf with worry as she can see the effect this whole situation has had on me over these past couple of months but the weekend has gone my kids were at thier dads so i thiught its me time catch up with friends that i havent seen in a while and get little old me back so out i went with my close friends male and female and i had the biggest shock ever the married man that i had been involved with managed to track me down to where i was out and had the balls to kick off at me cause i was with male friends and accused me of cheating on him how dare he say that to me after everything that he has said and done to me over these past couple of weeks well as you can imagine i wasnt happy atall said a few things to him that he didnt like and told him that i never wanted to see him again and that he needs to concentrate on his family as they have no idea what he has been upto over these months and they will be devestated if they found out i would never tell her as i know she is hurting still from whrn he first left and she is trying her hardest to make thier marriage work. But if im truley honest i feel awful but im so glad that ive told him how i feel and i can now finally move on with my life and get back to my normal self yes i have never cried so much and dont think i have any tears left but i cant continue what i had and slowly the pain will go and yes it will take time but i know one thing is for sure that i will never get involved with a married man again as ive experienced all the emotions you could possibly have and belive me its the worst feeling ever and i find myself thinking about his wife and kids and the guilt has finally kicked in and that i dont like and it certainly isnt fair i just cant carry on with that on my shoulders. To #146 im so sorry yo hear what your husband has done and yes you should kick him out you dont deserve to be treated like that and i know that mite sound so two faced coming from me but ive finally realised the wrong that ive done but no more cant carry on the way i was going no matter how painfull it was for me or how much i love him and miss him but what happened at the weekend was a wake up call for me and today when i woke up i thought to myself today is a new beginning for me and i can get myself back to the normal little self i was and that my close friends have also missed so much but that i nearly lost over this one man! Will keep you informed but i would also like to thank the people that have commented on here about my situation as that has helped me alot and made me realise that i wasnt on my own thro all of this so thank you again take care x x
June 21st, 2010 at 1:04 am#118..it’s #146. Good for you girl!!! You are to be congratulated. Affairs tend to have a ripple affect. You could have lost your friends and family because of one weak man that doesn’t know what he wants from his life. I wish that my H’s affair partner would wake up! The worst thing about it is how much this has hurt my children!!!
June 22nd, 2010 at 5:57 amHi #146 its #118 and thank you very much im glad in a way what has happened as it was a wake up call and i really hope that your husband and his affair partner wake up and realise what they are both doing doing to you and your children if she had sense she will i know im not one to preach cause i got myself into that situation but i really hope that you bget it all sorted as it is your children that will suffer keep me posted and chin up x
June 22nd, 2010 at 8:50 amWomen or Men that choose to ‘fall in love with’ ‘have affairs with’ ‘hook up with’ are broken inside and have no moral foundation. Sorry folks but just reading these posts its blatantly obvious that all you ‘affair partners’ are basically selfish, desperate, and pathetic individuals otherwise you would NEVER get yourselves into this kind of situation. The worst part about it is that most of you will never learn and will spend the rest of your lives causing pain and destruction where-ever you go.
June 26th, 2010 at 3:14 pmIf it weren’t for the hate and pain your selfishness brings others I would feel pity for you all.
I was involved with a married man and he DID leave her and file for divorce. I ended it about a month ago because I needed a commitment. He had told his close family about the divorce but not his extended family. I said the more people he didn’t tell and the longer he waited the harder it would be. I also feel that by him not telling people means he isn’t serious about the divorce and may go back to her. Its safe with her even though he is unhappy (she faked a pregnancy to try and keep him, she is one of THOSE girls.) They were married for three years, and their path’s have changed. The sex was AMAZING, and we live in different states so I know it wasn’t about the sex, we talked everyday and even had conversations about “toilet paper under or over?” It was perfect except people in my life kept questioning if it was real, again with that whole declaration of a relationship. We couldn’t be in a relationship on facebook because she wouldn’t release him and he said he didn’t want to delete his profile and start over because he may not be able to find his friends again (those who probably don’t know)I flew to Germany to see him, and I cant even get “in a relationship” on fb? It was love, it was real, it was just bad timing. I know affairs are wrong. However, I think people need be more serious about marriage and not marry the first person they meet after puberty. I also think THOSE girls should be genetically wiped out from society, they manipulate these great guys and leave sane girls like me the shells of these formally great guys.
June 26th, 2010 at 7:27 pm#153, it sounds like you’ve been hurt by the affair of somebody close to you – I’m sorry for whatever pain you’ve suffered or are suffering now. I also hope your own problematic issues (i.e., the issues in life that bring out the sources of selfishness and desperation in you) are ones that inspire more compassion from others than ours do. Godspeed on your own healing journey.
June 26th, 2010 at 9:10 pmHi #118, it’s 146 (or whatever number I am by now!!). I hope you are doing all right and that the pain is passing about letting go of the affair. At the moment, I feel devastated. I’ve taken my own advice to you and broken off my own affair. I am trying to look after myself and all the things I advised you to do …! I think I might finally have reached the point where the pain of the affair exceeds the pain of letting him go, and I see that he will keep me on a string forever if I don’t let go, so I really am just prolonging my misery to stay with him. So anyway, I might use this blog as a way to express my own pain about this – I simply must stick to this decision.
June 28th, 2010 at 4:40 pmWow, I cant believe all these posts, at least I’m not alone..I recently got involved with a married man from work; I was engaged to my fiance who I’d been with for 6 years who was a good guy to me, but I secretly felt a few things were lacking and didn’t feel like I could communicate those to him and felt that I may have been settling. I’m 28 and felt like we were an old married couple already. I was strongly physically attracted to a guy at work for a few months and one day we sparked up a conversation which ended up in us making plans to go out in a group. I knew he was married and he knew I was engaged. We met up with a group of other people and had a great time, we had a huge amount of chemistry. We had some drinks and he made the first move by kissing me and it was all over after that. We spend the night together and I didnt think anything would happen or affect me at first, but in the days following, I couldnt even bare to look at my fiance; I did whatever I could to avoid having to spend time with him because I was so confused and he noticed right away. I continued communicating and flirting with MM that week. I spoke to MM about my confusion and he stated he felt the same way. For me, this was the first time I strayed, and he stated it was for him as well.The feeling I got from all of this was like when you first fall in love with butterflies, feeling nervous and all; very difficult to resist. We decided to meet one evening after work in his car to talk, which we did (this was about a week after the initial meeting); nothing happenened but we sat in there for 2 hours; talking. My fiance must have had a strange feeling because low and behold, who comes walking up to the car in an 8 story garage, but my fiance; so we crouched down not to be seen but it was too late. There was nothing I could say, no excuses, it was done. I moved out the next day. It was quick,swift, and sad. This happened about 2 months ago. Initially,right after, the MM and I were still in frequent contact and saw each other a few times, but he is obviously confused about something and still doesnt know whether he’s staying or going,and generally gives me a line of B.S and whines about his situation when I talk to him. I ended it and told him that he’s simply not available and cant give me what I need at this time and needs to work on his own issues. I have a strong, strong attraction to him, but this is very unhealthy and destructive.I havent spoken to him in a few days now and I think its probably over for him too. I was initially a little pissed that he gets to go home and play house while I have to restart my life again so suddenly. Now, after doing some extensive reading about this subject, I’m glad I’m out before more feelings get involved and hurt. My fiance wants nothing to do with me which I completely understand; and maybe its best if I start over and try to define who I am apart from any relationship, because we had been living together for the most of our twenties. I will still have to see this person at work occassionally; we work in different departments, but will run into him inevitably. I’m sad that things ended the way they did; if I could change anything, I would have just ended my relationship with my dignity intact before getting caught crouched down in a car like a loser. This MM is not going to leave his marriage and if for some odd chance that he did, it probably wouldnt work out. For two people who havent known each other for that long, there has been an awful lot of drama and fruitless conversations; it wouldnt be a solid foundation for a good relationship. I’m writing this for the people that havent gotten caught yet. Its the worst feeling in the world to know that you hurt someone you care about. Because all the fingerpointers should know that these things generally do not start out in a malicious attempt to hurt your partner. It’s not a personal attack against them. It hurts like hell and its better to end it with some sadness but know that you can still communicate with that person than know that they hate you and want nothing to do with you ever again. or try to fix the underlying issues. Now i’m stuck thinking about the guy I can’t have and the guy I hurt. Not so much fun…
June 28th, 2010 at 6:54 pmHi its #118 again well here i am two weeks or so down the line and i must admit that im still hurting but im slowly getting back to normal had a few funny days and ive learnt that the married man i was involoved with has left his wife for the second time he managed to get hold of my best friend and tell her this as i wasnt replying to his texts or phone calls and that he wants us to be together properly but there is no going back for me too much has happened but i feel so strange as its what i wanted deep down i wanted us to be together and have the fairy tale that i always wanted but i cant let it happen i dont know what has happened for him to leave her for the second time and to be honest i really dont want to know it will never be what i imagined it would be i have to moce on and to #146 please stick to your guns i know it takes time this wont happen over night belive me i know but you have helped me and im sure you can get back to your normal self just dont let him have you hanging on a piece of string you dont deserve that and i think we both know that deep down yes ive made a mistake i fell in love with a man that i couldnt have but the guilt has finally crept up on me and thats the worst feeling in the world and belive me i didnt like it one bit so enough was enough and now i have to put this behind me and i hope the married man i was involved with can move on with his life too. Keep me informed #146 i wish you all the luck in the world.
July 2nd, 2010 at 1:07 amI’m not proud of this, but I began seeing a man 3 months after he asked his current wife to marry him. We had been classmates for 2 years prior, but were only acquaintances. All of a sudden, in our third year of school, we began spending lots of time together. Eventually, we became obsessed with one another, and for the rest of the year, spent all of our time together. Deep down, I never believed he would go forward with the wedding. How could he? Wasn’t our relationship a huge red flag? Every time we discussed it, he said that he didnt know what was wrong with him…that he couldn’t leave his fiance just bc he thought the grass was greener on the other side. He said neither woman was better than the other…that we were just different. Basically, his excuse was that his relationship with his fiance began first, so he couldnt break off his engagement. He never acknowledged that he had a choice, and often complained of how miserable he was when we were apart (which was only on the weekends). After a year, he got married. At that point I knew it had to end. I never envisioned myself carrying on with a married man. I was not raised that way. I was a person who always put others’ needs and concerns before mine, even when undeserved. However, by that time, I was no longer the person I knew before the “relationship” began. I was completely broken and weak. I resolved in my mind to leave him alone. He still wanted to be friends. He would always say, “if i cant have you completely, I at least want you as a friend forever”. So, I tried to comply. After all, I loved him. He was my best friend. Certainly, as two grown ups, we could respect one another as friends without infidelity. This of course did not work. I found myself (through a series of bad choices, of course) spending more and more time with him. We continued to study together as we were in the same study group. After school, we both obtained jobs in the same office building. We still spoke everyday on the phone, but saw one another only on the weekends (which was exactly opposite than before he was married). I missed him terribly…he had become central to my life. To add insult to injury..after years of telling me how miserable he was without me, and showing complete ambivalence with respect to his engagement/marriage, he told me for the first time last year that he was “not unhappy in his marriage.” As time passed, we spoke less and less, until eventually, I realized he only contacted me for sex. The bottom line is that since our relationship began, I have deteriorated. I don’t recognize myself, physically, mentally or spiritually. I’m truly miserable and have lsot all ambition. After 4 years of this madness, I have finally decided to end it. I am struggling to reestabish my relationships with my creator, my family and friends, and myself. I often ask God, how can I fix this. Can I truly be forgiven if I never apologize to his wife? I think if I did I would cause more damage than good. Regardless, I realize now that I can work on myself until the cows come home…I’ve always wanted a family, but I no longer deserve happiness. If I ever get married, I EXPECT that my husband will cheat. As silly as this may sound, especially to betrayed spouses, I went into this with the best of intentions…but now I realize that I was completely naive and misguided. I will say that I believe my MM would have cheated with someone else if not for me, which doesn’t make me feel great either. I also agree that he will do so, unless and until he seeks help for his issues. Either way, i wish them both best.
July 3rd, 2010 at 8:02 amYes I’m the other woman..I had an affair with someone I went to school with and after years of not seeing him I was in town and ran into him and his wife at a restaurant..have you ever heard the bells and fireworks?? This is what I felt the first time I saw him. I did not persue the affair but he did. Well it is 11 years later and he has left his wife (not because of me..I was seeing someone else and he came after me again) and he has left me. Well I say he has left his wife..they are seperated but he has her and her family to his house at least once every weekend for cookouts. That is eventually what caused us to split because it became every statement I said he would get mad and he was looking for any hidden agenda behind my comments and it finally ended with a huge blow up between us. I am 47 and have given some of my best years to someone who was selfish and I played into his needs. I am not without blame believe me I know this..I should have run and been strong enough to say no, but I was not. I am going thru the loss of not only the affair but also a friendship. Believe me that even if they do leave their spouse it will not become a bed of rose because the guilt your partner will feel over leaving will out way any feelings they have for you and you will still be hidden. It is not fair to you or the spouse…You and the spouse both deserve better and more. Learn to respect yourself and respect the spouse..You don’t know the spouse..Unfortunately I do know the spouse of the person I was involved with. I struggle today to today with not picking up the phone and calling him. The split occurred about two weeks ago. You do not deserve to have your feelings, emotions and life turned upside at the drop of a hat and on a whim of someone elses wants. Ask your affair this question “Why aren’t you working on your marriage or why don’t you leave” (try not to present it in a way that you want them to leave for you, but just in curiousity)..and don’t accept the answer “I stay for the kids” even kids don’t deserve to be involved in an affair because believe me they are involved. You will find there is no answer for that question. So for all the married men or women make a decision and don’t drag someone else thru the emotional isolation and for all of us who have been in a affair “grow a set” (sorry if that was crude). We deserve more for ourselves and we don’t have the right to put a spouse thru this. I am learning to forgive myself and learning to forgive him. I will and do miss him but I can say the emotional rollercoaster will not be missed. I have started writing a journal (just for myself) of all the feelings I am going thru and it does help and I am further along towards recovery then I was on day 1 but I’m still a long way from being whole again. I did go thru the stage of “I should tell her everything” but realized I was only going cause more pain for myself and I’m not a spitful person..Living my life happy is the best thing I can do for myself.
July 4th, 2010 at 3:57 ami too have found myself in a affair, one that i want to stop but it is hard its a addicition, if it was just that easy to stop when there is so many feelings invovled. i have tried to walk away n just when u think u can all it takes is a phone call, or a look. if there was a stop button to push i would. if someone could just give u a good piece of advice that would help but how to u stop something u love, u cant help who u fall in love with.
July 8th, 2010 at 2:03 pmAfter reading much of the above, It has given much insight to what I already knew…..I never stood in judgement of those having affairs, nor had I participated in an affair, up until recently.
Those that have had affairs, like many of you have, there is that ephoric feeling of freedom, the ability to be able to share secrets of intimacy that you may not have felt in your previous relationshsips, the concept that this is happy ever after.
For me there will be no happy ever after, has his partner has something I will never have…..The knowldge of her man.
Knowledge is a powerful commodity, if you think you can bet that, think again ! ! ! !
To all those that have written here, I thank you with all that I have, you have all given me the strength to acknowledge what is this really is……. A lie
I will not be seeing this married man again, I’m thankful that his partner will never know the feelings of hurt and betrayal that I would have contributed to.
Thank you
July 11th, 2010 at 6:57 pmVery rarely does the man leave his wife for an affair partner. Plus how do you know that you are the only affair partner? He is using you as an escape.
August 2nd, 2010 at 11:51 amI’m the lonely other woman – I’m 26 – and have fallen for a wonderful man. It’s been ten months and I want him to leave for him and not me. But I can’t walk away (I have tried and failed several times)
I just want to be loved normally and have a relationship like the rest of my friends.
August 6th, 2010 at 5:15 amHow nice of #64 to produce a lot of out-of-context facts mixed in with opinions.
In any affair there is plenty of blame to go around; the cheated spouse, the cheating spouse and the other person share it to varying degrees. Betrayal is a double-edged sword. A spouse who becomes emotionally and/or physically unavailable; who rejects their spouse; or who takes their spouse for granted is just as much a betrayer as the spouse who began an affair.
The person who is cheating very well might have an affair as a last resort. The person who was cheated on very well might have established an environment at home that was no longer tolerable. The other person might have just been in the right place at the right time.
These all-or-nothing characterizations are useless. All they do is make the cheated spouse feel superior, and avoid accepting any blame in the matter.
August 15th, 2010 at 2:03 pma lot of time its the woman that is the other person.but i am a male and im the other person and it do not feel good to have to sneak around and she continues to use her children as a excuse.it hurts real simple
August 21st, 2010 at 9:28 amHi, I’m new to posting but have looked at this blog many times and taken comfort from the fact that I’m not on my own in my situation. I am in a long term relationship with a married man and am at the stage where I’m realising that a lot of my own feelings, desires and anger have been repressed and I’ve just not dealt with them as I’ve been swept along and now both my relationship and my life revolve around when he can see me and talk to me. I am not wanting to end the relationship as we have been through too much together, but I feel I need to confront how I really feel and really don’t know where to start. How do I find out how I really feel deep down whilst I’m in the midst of the relationship and what questions do I need to be asking myself. Any guidance and relevant questions to ask myself would be much appreciated from anyone who has been where I am now.
August 29th, 2010 at 1:55 pmI’ve been where you are, 167, and quite recently. I, too, found it helpful to connect with people here who were going through the same thing, especially those who showed some understanding that being in an affair does not automatically mean you are a personal and social pariah. I could write an essay of questions you could ask yourself, but first maybe start from the assumption that you’re an intelligent, decent person, and that you wouldn’t be in this relationship if you didn’t get something out of it (so, right from the get-go, dispense with any questions of whether you’re a worthy person). So, assuming that, what do you get out of your affair? What does your affair allow you to do that you might have a hard time doing otherwise? Do you need to be in your affair to get/do those things? Why or why not? What would you miss if you ended your affair? Can you find those things in other ways? Those are just a few questions. You can’t really ask yourself questions about how he really feels, because you have no real control over that part.
As for me, I genuinely love my (former) affair partner. I can honestly say that I have never had that degree of physical, emotional, intellectual, or spiritual connection with anybody. I don’t really know if the same was true for him (though he says it was), but I know it was true for me. It’s been a couple of months since I ended the affair, and while I still want him back, I don’t want the affair back. He’s leaving town for a new job, without his partner. Maybe that will give everyone some space to gain some clarity. Maybe I will find in 3-6 months that I have moved on. Maybe I won’t. But I know that I experienced something I deeply wanted, and that I was and remain sincere in my intentions. That’s healing of a sort, for now. Good luck looking into your situation.
August 30th, 2010 at 3:28 pm#31 you are pathetic! #118 why do people feel sorry for you? #96 religeous? Amen #114 & 153! You cheaters have no idea how much damage you do to entire families. You all have serious character flaws & no concience. Someday you will be on the other end of this tragedy. What do you all think it would be like in a year or two when the honeymoon is over? You have no idea what the injured parties in these sick affairs are like. These men are weak & lack honesty & integrity. Don’t you think they’re lying to you to? They’re looking for a shoulder & an escape. They don’t want what they already have. You immoral women grow a concience & some self-respect. You all ruin entire families. Kids! Parents! Friends! Businesses! Have any of you ever read the bible concerning marriage & fidelity? Have any of you ever been to a wedding & heard the vows? What other moral laws you break? There should be tougher divorce laws. No – NO FAULT – divorce should be acceptable. Many marriages could be saved if there weren’t so many willing paramours who get in the middle. You all disgust me!
August 31st, 2010 at 6:24 am#31 What fantasy are you living in? That’s how you’re going to justify your actions? You actually know nothing but what this MARRIED man is telling you. Live with him awhile & see how it goes & get back with me in 3 yrs.! #127 Injured parties are stupid wives? What does that make you? #96 You are religeous? Anyone who “decides” to cheat has serious character flaws. They have no idea the tragedy they are creating for wives, children, friends, parents, & businesses. No concience is involved whatsoever. Amen #114 & #32 You’re right on. Divorce shouldn’t be no-fault. This is a vow, a contract that has been destroyed. Ask all of the children of the injured spouse what they are feeling because of what dad did to mom. It lasts a lifetime. You home wrecking women have these married men for their little fantasy excursions. You have no way of knowing the truth about these men. If you would butt out these marriages would stand a far better chance of being saved than for your fantasy affairs to be successful. Where are the morals of you people? Where is the character & integrity? What is this saying to our kids? You need help probably more so that the married couples. Total destruction & devestation is all that you are creating. I almost feel sorry for you!
August 31st, 2010 at 7:32 amI am reading all of this and it sounds more and more like my life…….I have been involved with a married man for two years..the problem…besides the fact that he is married…I am 15 yrs older than he is…he has been a friend of the family for over 30 yrs…my late husband was his boss…and I am friends with his wife….what could be worse? I love him…I really do and he is using me I know that, because his wife is wealthy…he has a good life and she doesn’t provide what I do…the SEX….someone shoot me now….I am a loving, compassionate good person…and I know what I am doing is wrong…why can’t someone love me for the person I am…..I know what I have to do…its pain-full……very pain-full.And don’t any of you out there judge anyone..you do not know what you would really do in this situation..only God judges and FORGIVES…..do not get involved in a situation like this…its not worth it…..
August 31st, 2010 at 7:43 pm#171 Any cheated on woman does have the right to judge you. What is wrong, is WRONG. A good person does not cheat period! You had every opportunity to guide this man with good advice to repair his marriage. You’re in denial if you think a good person can damage a family. You don’t know if this man is telling you the truth at all. Is he honest with his own wife. Stay away from him & encourage him to get help. Do the right thing! How can you remain friends with his wife! You are a very sick woman!
September 1st, 2010 at 8:46 am#172, and others who make such comments (and I genuinely welcome you to the conversation), I don’t think the point is whether the cheated-on woman (or anyone else) has the right to be judgmental. Of course they have the right to be judgmental. I just don’t think that those judgments do much good in helping people to act from a better place (and they usually know that there IS a better place within themselves from which to be/act). I can’t see the good in denying anybody their integrity, even if their current behaviour isn’t a shining instance of it. I think it works better to appeal to people’s faith and integrity. Think of it: a good spanking will, in the short term, make any child stop doing something bad or annoying, but in the long run, it won’t produce anything but damage and, by extension, even worse behaviour. It’s not that different in adulthood. You don’t have to condone inappropriate or harmful behaviour to show compassion or understanding, or to defend a principle that you consider non-negotiable. It just takes a little effort to enlarge your heart and your mind. We can all afford to do that, can’t we?
September 1st, 2010 at 12:37 pm#167 here – thanks so much #168 for taking the time to reply. I feel like I am now at a crossroads in my relationship and am only just beginning to understand that I need to take control after ‘following’ for so long. Your questions will really help me to work out where ‘I’ am in all of this, and what my next step should be. Seems too easy to lose yourself in the relationship and run your life totally around the other person, whether it is convenient for you at the time or not, but I’m beginning to realise that it might not have to be that way. So it’s now time to take a good look at myself and my situation and your comments will be a great starting point – seriously they are much appreciated!! thanks again #168
September 2nd, 2010 at 1:30 pmAnytime, 167/174 – good luck with it all.
I’ve found this site useful at various stages in my affair, including now, the aftermath. Sometimes I wonder why I keep coming back here, especially to read things like “you people have no integrity and you never will etc.” I wonder, frankly, if I’m being a little masochistic. But in a way, I think I come back to those comments in an effort to overcome a deep and longstanding, underlying belief about myself, that actually is precisely in alignment with those harsh judgments. I come back to hear those words in an effort to develop a real conviction of their absurdity and their pointlessness. I totally understand why people would say those harsh things, especially if they’ve been hurt by affairs, but I kind of suspect that an overload of exactly that kind of judgment early in life is what has led, in part, to my own predisposition to deny myself intimacy, as a kind of punishment, because I don’t think I need or deserve love, and then cave desperately when I find it, usually in some situation where I wasn’t looking for it (i.e., in the kind of relationships that turn into affairs).
Those of you who are or who have been “other women,” I’m wondering, did a good portion of you start out your lives “on the wrong side of the tracks,” emotionally? Were you told you were selfish, bad, etc., from very early on? Because what strikes me about these horrible judgments (you’re pathetic, you’re sick, you have no understanding of right and wrong), is that this is what I already thought of myself — really, truly, and deeply — by the time I was five years old! Do you know how many things I have done in my life to try to prove that that’s not true? And how vulnerable and needy that effort has left me? How vulnerable to illicit relationships in particular?? And then to situations where I seem to be proving that those beliefs about myself are true after all?? I think I’m starting to understand that it’s pointless to try to defend myself in the face of those views, whether I’m 5 or 45, and whether the judgment comes from myself or others. If it was wrong to have that belief when I was a young child, it’s just as wrong now, no matter what I have or haven’t done in my life.
There are many factors that predispose people to affairs — maybe some of you have a pattern like mine and can relate to what I’m saying. So, for those of you who want to condemn, go ahead. I’m not looking for your acceptance or understanding anymore. I’ll never get it, and that’s fine. But having said that, there’s a bit of a void. I’m still not sure what it means to look to myself for acceptance or understanding, or what difference that might make to my life.
But I do know one thing. Sometimes when I look at us all, whether we’re pointing fingers at one another, gushing with positive or negative emotion, trying to defend ourselves, etc. (and I’ve done all of that on here and more), I kind of see why we’re having such problems in our relationships, and I feel a little sorry for us all. I think most of us try pretty hard, and are hurt, frustrated, and confused at not getting what we want, need, or think we deserve, and we don’t know what to try next. I like it when we help one another. It seems redemptive.
September 2nd, 2010 at 7:15 pm