How Do Affairs Affect Children? (Part II): Should We Tell Our Children?
Your Role as Parents
No matter how devastated you are, you are still faced with the task of keeping it together for the children. This can be a double-edged sword. The immediacy and sometimes enormity of their needs can function as a welcome distraction from the pain you are in on the one hand; on the other, you may be feeling depleted emotionally and physically and not have much to give. With regard to the latter, it is very tempting to then turn to the children for support, which is a role reversal that is, in the end damaging for children. Whatever you end up disclosing to your child, the overall message should be, “This is our problem, it does not involve you and we are taking steps to deal with it.”
It is crucial to set aside some time with your partner to discuss your child’s needs and agree on a plan together. If the discussion strays from the question of what is best for the children and moves into conflict about the affair itself, each partner can take responsibility for reminding the other of the purpose of the discussion. If emotions are running so high that you are unable to do this, it might be useful to get help from a professional.
Frequently the infidel feels so guilty that they don’t feel any right to be included in these decisions, and relinquishes all control of how and what the children will know to the betrayed spouse. The betrayed spouse can feel self-righteous about this and go along with the split. However, the children still belong to both of you, and acting as a parenting team during this time is an overarching way to minimize the psychological damage your child may experience as a result of disclosure.
So Should We Tell Them? And If So, How Much?
If at all possible, the children should not be told. This is the consensus of most family therapists. However, this is only true if both of you truly believe that the children are completely oblivious to what is going on. It is important to remember that this is your problem and not theirs and your goal is to protect them from emotional trauma if at all possible.
Whether they know, or “know but don’t know they know,” should be assessed not only by what they might be saying to you, but also by any changes in behavior or mood that they may be showing, even if you think it’s unrelated. You can read about behavioral and other changes children demonstrate before disclosure in Part I of this post.
Not telling your child about the affair does not mean that it is not important to acknowledge that “we are having some problems in our relationship and are doing everything we can to take care of it.” If your child can tell something is not right, it is important to confirm their experience. What they imagine in a vacuum will most likely be much worse than the truth and they are vulnerable to blaming themselves for whatever they imagine is going on. However, if any of the following conditions exist, disclosure of the fact of the affair itself is very important.
1) If the child has overheard parents talking or arguing about the affair. (It is very tempting to act like that didn’t happen, but that’s a mistake and can lead to alienation between you and your child)
2) If the child has witnessed direct evidence of the affair, i.e., has heard conversations between the infidel and affairee, or seen them together . (It is very tempting to deny what is now obvious, but you really wouldn’t want to be treating your child as if he or she was stupid, or discouraging them from trusting their experience.)
3) If the affairee is likely to make contact with the children, or call the house, or already has a relationship with the children.
4) If the the child has a relationship or goes to the same school as the affairee’s children or spouse.
5) If there is likely to be gossip, or public scandal about the affair. (It adds gasoline to the fire if your child hears about this from someone other than you.)
6) If the child asks if there is an affair. (If they are young it is good to find out what they think an affair is.)
Children need to be told about the affair in language that is age appropriate to ensure that they can understand and process what they are hearing. And there are ways to help them cope once disclosure has happened. How to do this will be addressed in Part III of How Do Affairs Effect Children?
After I found out about my husband’s affair, it was very hard not to discuss it when our teenage son was in the house. We tried to either leave the house or wait until he was in bed or at a friend’s house, but sometimes that was impossible, especially for me, because I was boiling over with anxiety, hurt, anger, and questions. After a week or so, it became obvious that he knew something was wrong because of the angry whispering or quiet talking. He also saw us being a lot more physically connected…a lot more hugging, holding hands or sitting closely on the couch, and holding each other. After I had an emotional outburst one night, he got very upset and went to his room and shut the door. I talked to him and told him that his dad and I were really upset with each other, because I thought Dad had been dishonest with me about something, and that it was causing us to be angry, but that we loved each other and we were getting everything worked out, and that’s why he was seeing us be more affectionate with each other, because we were trying to make sure we supported each other even though we were so upset. He seems to have accepted this, and hasn’t asked any further questions about it. In fact, he kind of jokes with us when he walks in the kitchen and we’re hugging or kissing. I think he really needed to hear that we love each other and that we are going to work it out, which in this case is accurate. Thank God I didn’t have to tell him otherwise.
April 23rd, 2009 at 2:13 pmI have another issue going on. My ex husband and I divorced 3 years ago and he is living with his male lover now. I have felt hurt that he did not tell me about his need to be with men, so that I knew what was going on and why we did not have sex. I feel I am to a high degree over what happened.
December 27th, 2009 at 10:26 amIm my process I am taking my share of the responsability that the marriage endd this way. What has come up for me is that 20 years (early in our relationship) I had a few brief affairs that I have newer told my ex about.
I would like to get some advice om whether there could be a point in sharing this now – although I feel that if I confess, then I loose the right to feel hurt that he did not tell me about him going gay. And I feel the children ( 19 and 23) have enough to deal with in adjusting to their dad living a different life-style, that to tell them about affairs before they were born.. Any thoughts would be appreciated
AFFAIRS should be ILLEGAL. They are destructive for children in any circumstance. It is not OK. An affair creates a victim, which usually includes the children. The mental affects on a child is overwhelming, and puts them into a state of grieving, but also leads them to have a lack of trust in people, especially those they love. The stress on a child is massive, and many turn to drugs, drink, smoking, or even begin to fail at school. All of which is the parent who committed the affairs fault. So they can go to hell for ruining children and teens alike, for there selfishness and there own moral corruption.
April 11th, 2010 at 5:38 am