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Category: If Your Partner is Having an Affair

What Happens to the Brain During an Affair?

What Happens to the Brain During an Affair?

Affairs in film and television series are often portrayed as exciting adventures, fun and mischievous; a way of breaking free from oppression… a conduit to a joyful existence. To the person contemplating an affair, it can seem like a solution to depression, boredom or worse in a marriage; desperately needed relief from intense loneliness, and/or a bolster to one’s self esteem. The reality of the experience of an affair is almost always very different. The explosion of brain research in…

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Rebuilding Real, Deep Trust After the Affair

Rebuilding Real, Deep Trust After the Affair

“How can I ever trust you again?” “How could I have ever trusted you?” “Trust me, this will never happen again.” “How can I win back your trust?” The sudden loss of trust is shocking. It may seem impossible to imagine ever regaining it. As important as it is, it is also true that before the discovery trust may have been something that was hardly ever spoken of. How often do spouses say something like, “I feel so much trust…

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Asian Americans and Affairs

Asian Americans and Affairs

Over the years I have helped many Asian American couples heal from affairs. Many of the couples involved have been first or second generation Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese or South Korean. These are the Asian countries whose cultures are most organized around Confucian philosophy. Yet, when I ask, invariably, each person in the couple has never read any Confucian philosophy, even as a child. Even though Confucianism functions somewhat like a religion, it isn’t one. A religion has a godhead. Confucius…

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Why Can’t I Get Over My Partner’s Affair?

Why Can’t I Get Over My Partner’s Affair?

By “getting over” I don’t mean forgetting about it, or somehow making it okay. But I am writing to you if you find yourself consumed by pain and anger and obsessive thoughts that feel unrelenting over a long period of time, and if you don’t have a sense that these experiences are part of a healing process. I am writing to you if you feel that your marriage is somehow still worth saving even though an affair has occurred and…

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Sex After the Affair

Sex After the Affair

You are in the aftermath of your partner’s affair, trying to work things out. It’s a time of great emotional upheaval, everything upside down and inside out.  Your relationship feels shattered…you feel shattered, yet somehow something survives and you still hope to work things out. It might be the thing you thought you would never do, stay with someone who has strayed, yet you find that now that you are in the situation, it’s not that simple.  Somehow, amidst  the…

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Why Do I Keep Obsessing Over the Affair?

Why Do I Keep Obsessing Over the Affair?

Obsessing over the affair is an absolutely natural and normal response to the trauma you have experienced. If you find yourself unable to, at times, stop turning over the lies, snippets of conversation, unanswered questions, things that don’t add up, or visualizing the same devastating images over and over, know that although this can be agonizing, it is actually

How Can I Stop Obsessing Over the Affair?

How Can I Stop Obsessing Over the Affair?

In order to help yourself when you can’t stop thinking about the affair, it is important to understand the different functions obsessing can serve in your healing process. My first and most important piece of advice is to try to stop beating yourself up for those times when you can’t stop going over the details, questions, lies, or things that just don’t add up, over and over again. (For more about lying click here.) It is important to understand that …

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“How Can I Believe Him When He Says He’s Not Having an Affair?”

“How Can I Believe Him When He Says He’s Not Having an Affair?”

It can be completely crazy-making to feel like you cannot get at the truth. Something doesn’t feel right between the two of you, he’s not around as much as he used to be, not as interested in you. You suspect he might be seeing someone else. You demand he look you straight in the eye and tell you this isn’t so. He does. Can you be certain you now know? Not according to

What Type of Affair is This?

What Type of Affair is This?

During the traumatic throes of the discovery of an affair, finding the right label, and therefore, singular explanation may feel like a life preserver. As you read through books and web sites, you’ve probably noticed that almost everyone who writes about affairs has some way of categorizing them. Here are some common examples:  “intimacy avoiding”, “anger avoiding”, “romantic”, “exit,” “split self”   “availability,” “alcoholic,” “retaliation, “revenge,” “sexual,” “culturally enabled,” “emotional,” “sex addiction,” proving you’re still attractive,” “can’t say no,””…. However, in…

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“Mad Men” in Affairs

“Mad Men” in Affairs

“Men weren’t really the enemy – – they were fellow victims suffering from an outmoded masculine mystique that made them feel unnecessarily inadequate when there were no bears to kill”   Betty Friedan, Christian Science Monitor, April 1974 “Mad Men” portrays this “mystique” … women as subordinate and submissive, housewives, maybe secretaries, always standing behind their men, and only able to derive status from their husbands’ positions. The women who dared to deviate from this arrangement paid dearly (as did…

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