By the fall, she did, in fact, move out from her house, not to my city, but a couple hours away from where she was living. She also began going out of her way to see me whenever she could on her business trips, and some physical intimacy started. We spoke and sent messages almost every day. I look back and remember what I though at the time, that she had taken time to evaluate her life and move on. In hindsight, though, I must have been an idiot.

I learned later that while this was going on with me, her husband was coming to visit her, and she was frequently making and arduos trek back to his house to keep house for him. Bizarre. I found this out when she told me she decided to move back home. I was shaken up, but I moved on. Within a few months, I had an nice, fun girfriend. End of year 1.

That July, crises 2 comes out and she leaves her husband again, almost literally lands on my doorstep. At the time, we were sort of irrestistible to each other in really basic ways. She finds temporary housing close to me, commits (the second time) that she is moving on, and we end up seeing each other every day. To be honest, it was one of the happiest times in my life.

When the time of “reckoning” came for her to get her stuff out once and for all, she disappears again. I learn that he has no idea that she was intending to leave him again; he thought that she had come to my city for business and needed to stay a few months (yes, he actually believed this apparently). That story that she was splitting up may have been her intention, or it could have been a lie for me.

The next time I saw her, she explains to me that she is all confused about her sexuality because she had a miscarriage and has an STD that she did not know how she caught. As if the other wackiness were not enough, the latter was the loudest warning of “insane” to me. Not that she caught and STD, but that she could not keep track of how it happened. Yikes.

My feelings limped along about how this person I had such a nice connection with could be such a mess. About a 1.5 months after that big revelation, she treated me with total animosity because she thought she was pregnant (I guess by her husband), but then found out she wasn’t, and set about for the next few months to “win” me back again. I told her as gently as I could that that ship was setting sail, and something major that I could not even fathom was going to have to happen. Nevertheless, she persisted, and recently rented an apartment in my city. A year lease. Her husband still thinks it is all job related. However, she did tell me that there is nothing between us anymore. Yet . . . she still moved here and lied to her husband about why.

I am not personally hurt by her “rejection”, considering I was getting on with things. I am most offended that I was dragged into a world of insanity and lies while I was trying to be careful. We had long conversations about what her actions meant, the proper way to handle our feelings. People get separated and have to wait for legal reasons. That is a fact that you have to deal with. On top of this, a lot of my time was wasted. The omissions and lies merely prolonged something that was doomed, and it was futile. I also missed out on some very nice people.

I am dealing with this with pure disgust and hatred. Not the kind that keeps you up at night, but what you might feel for terrorists and war criminals. I honestly can’t tell who was cheated on. The one person I do think about is her husband. She’s already told me that she is never going to tell him, but I think somebody really needs to educate someone what is that clueless. She’ll probably do this again. I feel like writing him a letter not out of spite, but the poor guy is living with a person who is confused, dishonest, and frankly probably in need of psychiatric help. On the other hand, maybe someone so oblivious should be left to his fate. Any advice people?

“How Do Affairs Affect Children?”
“I have talked about the trancelike state of consciousness that one inhabits during an affair. In this altered state links between actions and consequences dissolve; in the euphoric bubble you inhabit you believe you can pursue an illicit relationship and no one will be hurt because you believe that you can control everything and so prevent this from happening. However, this is a grandiose assumption that more and more requires you to lie to, manipulate and avoid intimate contact with your family, sometimes with irrevocable results. “
“Preadolescent and adolescent children: The older a child is, the more apt he or she is to get drawn into the conflict surrounding the affair by one or both parents. They may be asked to keep secrets and/or expected to chose sides. Asking a child, overtly or covertly, to take a side is like asking a child to lose that parent. This always has severe consequences. Keeping secrets from one or both parents can create a terrible guilt and sense of self as destructive.
Adolescents continue to develop their capacity for abstract thinking. They are highly aware that they are preparing to enter the adult world and therefore questions of values become paramount. They are extremely sensitive to hypocrisy; when a parent’s actions are exposed as opposed to his or her stated values that parent falls off a pedestal. And when a parent falls off of the pedestal it changes the child’s whole conception of who their family is and thus, their sense of who they are. Identity and moral development are impacted negatively. Frequently, up until this happened, there was an unconscious assumption that one behaves with integrity as a matter of course. Suddenly, the very people who have ingrained this in you have demonstrated this is not the case.”

Something felt strange, however. A second sense, I guess. One night in early March this reached a pinnacle: I just couldn’t sleep. I went to read on the sofa and heard the ping of a text being received. I looked at his phone and my world came crashing down.

It was pretty obvious from the text exchange that he was having an affair. I knew of the woman but had never met her. I actually never worried about her as a rival because she is rather large (fat!) and wears tight dresses in animal prints. My husband prefers more refined style. She is also married with three young children, ages two, four, and six.

When I read her text to him, all the pieces fell into place–the odd sense I had here and there of things being ‘off’. I didn’t immediately confront him, however. He’s the kind of man who denies and denies until the evidence is indisputable. He would merely insist that the text was a stupid joke. Or he would delete it and claim I had misread it.

Instead, I sent the woman a text from my phone that said: “It appears from recent electronic communication that you have an inappropriate relationship with my husband. In my world, it’s always very sad when married people cheat, especially when there are children involved. You most hurt the very people you claim to most love. PS The only thing you and my husband truly know about each other is that you’re both capable of the worst kind of betrayal.”

The next day, I heard nothing. This silence was exact confirmation of the affair. I mean, if you woke up in the morning to a text accusing you of an affair you were in fact innocent of, you would immediately do something to clear up the matter. Your good reputation depends upon not being thought of as the kind of person who has illicit relationships. So her silence was damning.

I confronted my husband, who was immediately shameful (but not really remorseful or apologetic, which is an important distinction). This was his second affair. I forgave him ten years ago for something similar and said he would never again have such a chance at forgiveness from me. That if he went down that road ever again, the marriage would be over. And that it was up to him to build trust and learn how to value the good things in his life. I am standing by those words.

That confrontation was very emotional and strained, but I meant what I said. I sent him packing. Later, I received this text from the other woman: “It is gratifying that you are finally getting what you deserve after all you have done to divide us. Evil has an new name…Jacqueline… and karma is a bigger bitch than you could every be. I will enjoy watching you reap what you have sown. Be assured patience is a virtue we are well-versed in………xxxx”

I found this to be threatening and menacing. Frankly, it terrified me. And none of it made any sense. How was I evil? I wasn’t having an affair. I wasn’t lying or cheating. I had forgiven him. How could I have done anything to divide them when I only just learned there was something to divide? What awful things have I sown for karma to be a bitch to me? Of course, it was just crazy-making. Blame the victim of what you are in fact guilty of…

The difference between us is striking. I wrote a text to her in the middle of the night consumed with emotion when I had just learned that my marriage was over, and yet I still managed the height of civility in my manner, words and tone.. And she, who was in the wrong in every way, responded without compassion, humanity, remorse, care, or insight. After I calmed down, I realised that she must be a psychopath. But still, how he could have chosen to become involved with her is just flabbergasting.

Because I protected him for ten years, never breathing a word about the first affair, and he never a valued my protection, I was determined to be honest about the reasons we are divorcing now. The kids (ages 12, 17, 19) know about the affair and each has been devastated in turn. But I think it was the wisest course in our circumstances to tell them. The magnitude of the betrayal is just too much. He wanted to approach the end of the marriage on equal ground, but that is putting a huge burden on me and letting him off. Because I am more in pain and more emotional, I look nuts without the truth being known. Once it is known, everything falls into perspective…

Also, it is important to note my husband has been diagnosed as having Manipulative Narcissistic Personalty Disorder–every detail fits like a glove! I think that not being honest with the kids subjects them more to his manipulations as well as to his continued deceptions. At least now there is a label and his behaviours can be explained by a diagnosis. It’s not me, it’s him. It’s not the children, it’s their father.

It is hard for the kids, however, which is why I am looking into sites like this one. But an affair is all about lies and I think that to cover up lies with more lies is not good. I did that once to no avail. I am trying to be as compassionate as possible when dealing with the kids. But I welcome all suggestions and advice.

PS My daughters and I are going to Italy without him. On my anniversary (30 May), we will do something special–in a positive spirit, nothing about ransacking the previous twenty years, but about affirming the next twenty–not exactly what we envisioned when we made the plans for the trip, but not too bad either.