It’s okay if I truly love the other person.

It’s okay if it’s just for sex and my partner remains the most important person to me.

It’s okay as long as we don’t actually have sex.

What my partner doesn’t know won’t hurt him or her.

A one-night stand doesn’t change anything.

I deserve to be happy and since my partner isn’t meeting all of my needs, it’s okay to go outside of the relationship to get them met.

My lover makes me happier and enables me to be a better spouse.

My affair allows me to stay married.  I’m doing it for the children.

People aren’t meant to be monogamous.

All men do it.

I’m entitled to privacy in my marriage.

People shouldn’t have to sacrifice what  they need to make their  partner feel secure.

Men are different than women, they have a stronger sex drive and shouldn’t be sexually frustrated.

Sex is not the most important thing in a marriage so it’s okay.

I’m a good provider, therefore, I’m a good husband;  having an affair won’t change that.

Does one or more of these describe your attitude?  If so, how did you come to believe this?  Do you still truly believe it?  How are these beliefs effecting your life and the lives around you?

Deep down, you had the affair to get out of your marriage. This is commonly referred to as an “exit affair.”  But sometimes this motive is not experienced on a conscious level.   In my experience, it can take someone a long time to come to grips with the desire to leave a marriage and the familiarity and/or safety that it represents.  Acting out the wish by having an affair can be the first step towards this realization.  Ironically, acting out feelings can keep us from being in touch with them.

You’re too angry. You haven’t been able to get through to your partner all of these years, either because you didn’t know how, didn’t feel entitled to be heard, or they wouldn’t listen.  It can be surprising to discover just how angry you have become in the midst of the trauma of the discovery of an affair.  Realizing the affair happened out of revenge can put you in touch with an immense amount of rage that has been bottled up for a long time.  It can be frightening for both you and your partner and you may find yourself withdrawing in order to try and bottle it up again, or becoming destructive in other ways.

You generally have a difficult time saying you’re sorry about anything. For you, admitting that you have done something wrong is too much of an assault on your self-esteem.  Sometimes people who have trouble feeling remorse also have trouble saying “thank you” and experiencing true gratitude.  Both remorse and gratitude humble us.   But some people experience humility as humiliation. a feeling that is so crushing that it is avoided at all costs.  A common way to avoid this experience is to turn the tables and try to put the blame for the affair on your partner, so they’re the ones who will feel inadequate, not you.

You’re still in the euphoric stage of your affair. Many speak of being in a kind of trance in this stage.  Trances carry a logic of their own.  One is that nothing matters except how one feels, i.e., “I feel so incredibly wonderful, so this can’t be wrong.”  Another is that actions can be severed from their consequences.  There is no thought of what harm is being caused, there is only the euphoria.  Your partner may later ask, “what were you thinking?” and all you may be able to say is, “I wasn’t.”  Perhaps this is true, or perhaps, in the light of day what you were thinking doesn’t make sense. This is bewildering to everyone concerned, including yourself once you are past this stage.  Infatuation is intoxicating; and it actually changes the way our brain functions to enhance pleasure and make us obsessively tied to the lover so that all other considerations seem like faint background noise.

You hold certain assumptions about affairs that may be related to your culture, religion or childhood. I will discuss some of these in Part II.

It can be useful to think about trauma as something that wants to heal. If provided with the appropriate conditions, it frequently does. The discoverer of an affair most often experiences their world, their life, their identity, and certainly their marriage as shattered. Natural reactions to this shattering include feeling betrayed, panicked, rageful and vengeful, and ultimately very deep, and previously unimaginable pain. I frequently hear “the ground opened up under me,” or “everything is gone, there is nothing left.” Since these reactions are so intense and draining they alternate w/ experiences of numbness, or “just going through the motions of life.” It is this swing back and forth; from intensity to deadness, as well as from the desire to end the relationship to clinging to it for dear life that can make the discoverer feel crazy.

This intensity, these swings, can be frightening to the discovered, who might sincerely want to do whatever it takes to repair the damage. The discovered’s job is to set the conditions for the healing to occur. How can you, the discovered, do this?

1) Come clean. Admit and disclose everything about the affair. You are not protecting your partner by continuing to lie. Lying is like gasoline on the fire.

2) Take responsibility. It almost always feels like “the affair just happened. I didn’t intend for it to happen.” Even so, on some level this is the choice you made. It can drive your partner crazier when you won’t take responsibility

3) Avoid defensiveness. Your partner is actually testing to see how safe it is for his or her feelings about what has happened to emerge. The more they emerge, the more healing can progress. Try to be as welcoming of the hurt and anger as possible.

4) Express remorse, frequently.

5) Avoid pressuring. Taking an attitude that your partner should be progressing faster, or over it by now will make it worse.

6) Hold on to your self-respect. It does not help, and can hurt, to allow yourself to be abused, verbally, or otherwise. Set limits that enable you to stay emotionally present with your partner.

7) Take care of yourself. Make sure you get enough sleep, food and exercise. This will increase your emotional capacity to remain present through the storm.

And finally; set aside your own issues about the relationship for now. Once your partner feels assured of your love and commitment by experiencing you as understanding, empathetic and remorseful may times over, the effects of trauma can be worked through. Then, the two of you will be more equipped to explore improvements you would like to make in your relationship.

I don’t mean to imply that any of this is easy. Staying with the emotional reality of the affair from your partner’s perspective when it is long over for you can evoke intense anger and a sense of hopelessness. If it feels impossible, yet you still want to save your marriage, my final piece of advice is to seek marriage counseling. Though you may never have thought of this before, the alternative is to settle for a partial resolution. The feelings are never fully processed. Everything can look okay on the surface. But the relationship will lack a feeling of aliveness and more serious problems may emerge down the road.

Especially at first, the impulse to keep the affair a secret is usually very strong. Certainly, the person having the affair doesn’t want anyone to know, and the secrecy can even add excitement to the affair relationship. However, if you are feeling conflicted about the affair, it may be painful to have no one to talk to about it.

Once discovered, you and your partner may regard the affair as a shameful secret that must be kept at all costs. Some couples do not disclose the affair to anyone, including extended family. Cultural values play an important role in these decisions. Extended family is more likely to be told in cultures where affairs are more commonplace. Class also plays a similar role. For some, keeping up appearances can feel more important than anything else. And often an affair happens to the “ideal couple” in everyone else’s eyes.

It can be extremely anxiety provoking to imagine the shock, disappointment, criticism, and even rejection that might follow disclosure. You also might be afraid of pressure to make decisions quickly that you don’t feel ready to make. Although enraged and deeply hurt, some discoverers feel they must protect their partner’s reputation. However, you also may be surprised to find that after the initial shock, friends and family are more supportive than you would have imagined.

It is important for you and your partner to evaluate the pros and cons of sharing what has happened with each important person in your lives, weighing the possible benefits and risks. Something to consider is that in general, the more secret something is kept, the more shameful it becomes.

Peggy Vaughn’s survey contained the following question: Was it helpful to talk to friends/family/others? The responses were: 12% – Didn’t talk or not useful. 50% – Helped some, but not as much as I’d like. 38% – Extremely helpful. No one volunteered that it made things worse.

Extramarital affairs are most frequently experienced as completely traumatic and immoral in the United States. If a public figure strays from their marriage they are frequently disgraced and followers and fans can feel tremendously let down and disillusioned. If this person holds public office, their capacity to lead is frequently questioned, as is their entire character. A spouse who discovers a partner’s affair frequently breaks down emotionally.

In some European countries affairs are experienced slightly differently. There is a sense that affairs happen frequently; political figures involved in them are not vilified by the majority of the population. A spouse who discovers an affair may be outraged, hurt and sad, but might not have a full-fledged traumatic reaction.

In some middle eastern countries women can be stoned to death for having an affair.

Jewish people tend to consider affairs a non-Jewish problem.

In fundamentalist religious cultures of many varieties the idea of having sinned is an added trauma to the one occurring in the relationship.

In some Central American countries it is fairly commonplace for married men of means to maintain a mistress in her own “casita.”

Some cultures consider it the role of the woman to “hold on to her man” and the affair a reflection on her failure to do so.

How do you believe your cultural background has influenced your beliefs and experiences of affairs? Are you in a multi-ethnic relationship? If so, has that lead to problems regarding fidelity?

Looking forward to your comments.

Your sense of safety, of trusting your own experience, of your place in the world, has suddenly been shaken to the core and the person you usually turn to for help is the very person who is the cause! You may swing from one extreme to the other; wanting to pull that person back in, very close to you, on the one hand, or get rid of him/her as fast as you can on the other. You want to be alone; you can’t bear to be alone. You want to confide in others; you want to hide what feels like a shameful secret. You just want to sleep, you can’t sit still. This is all normal.

You have experienced a psychological trauma. Chemical processes are occurring in your nervous system that leave you in a state of chronic hyperarrousal which can leave you feeling agitated, anxious, panicked, and sleep deprived. Your rage may feel uncontrollable. You may feel sick, be unable to eat, or stop eating. Your world is suddenly upside down, and narrowed, nothing else seems to exist except the affair. Your body eventually needs a respite from this state and you go numb, nothing seems real, you can’t feel anything and feel isolated and strangely disconnected from others. Then there is a reminder of what happend and you are plunged into the turmoil all over again. This is all normal.

Was I a Fool?

Finding a partner in life who you make yourself vulnerable to and develop a deep level of trust with; who allows you to feel safe in the world because you know they will be there for you and value you above all others, and who is working with you to honor the commitment you have made to each other is a developmental achievement. This achievement involves the ability to trust, and to allow yourself to depend on someone emotionally in some ways like children depend on adults. Current research into successful couples therapy demonstrates that when a couple can learn to be vulnerable with each other and seek each other out during times of emotional distress for comfort, the relationship becomes successful. In other words, your belief that your partner valued you above all others, just as children have that belief of their parents, was an important part of what allowed you to be who you were out in the world. You were not a fool to invest this energy into your partner, even if there were signs that he or she was not as trustworthy or present as you wished. Acknoweldging this reality is terrifying and it is natural to try to preserve a sense of safety in the world by dismissing evidence to the contrary.

Spying

At some point however, the evidence may have become too strong. At that point you may have tried to confront your partner. If they denied the affair, that did not put you at rest. As I have mentioned before, you started to have the sense that the relationship had a potentially life-threatening illness and became obsessed with getting an accurate diagnosis. Going through emails, cell phones, pockets, desk drawers to find confirming evidence of the affair is a natural response. It reminds me of the scene in the movie, Lorenzo’s Oil where Susan Sarandon, playing the mother of a boy who had an illness that no doctor could diagnose spent endless hours on the internet poring through myriads of medical journals until she found the diagnosis and cure herself. You were determined to prove you weren’t crazy, and perhaps save your relationship, or at least, yourself.

What Next?

No matter what the outcome of this discovery, you will only find peace one way, and that way is not easy. The most important thing to do is to allow yourself to experience and name your inner responses as they occur and work with making sense of them over a period of time. Try to stay close to your own needs and feelings and expect an emotional roller coaster for a while. You need a physical, psychological and possibly a spiritual space in which to do this. This might mean living separately, or with your partner, meeting with a therapist, meditating, journaling, going on a retreat, etc. After your initial outrage, you will naturally have many questions. Most of these will be for your partner, but there is one that is important for you to ask yourself, and that is, “besides the affair, is this a relationship that I, deep down, want?” Do you sense that you want him or her back out of desperation, or a genuine belief that you could have a fulfilling future together? If the relationship that you had before you discovered the affair feels truly worth saving, then there are questions that you will want to be asking your partner. If not, then you have the painful task of facing the reality that the affair was probably what is referred to as an “exit” affair, reflecting a truth for both of you.

If you are someone who has experienced one or more traumatic abandonments in the past that have not been worked through, whether from other partners, parents or siblings, this step is very difficult. Being abandoned again, even by someone you know isn’t right for you, will bring up those past experiences of trauma and make you feel like it is happening all over again. You will experience strong urges to avoid this at all costs. If you find yourself in this position, it is best to seek professional help.

If you have any sense that the relationship might be worth saving and want to start working things out, you will need information. To start to deal with what has happened, you will need to know what happened. Your natural urge will be to want to grill your partner about the affair. This is the first step in working things out for yourself, during which you will continue to decide if you want to work things out with your partner. There is information that you need to know that will help you and there is information you might feel you need to know that will simply be torturous and not assist you in regaining your sense of security. Initially, the most important things to find out are

1. Is the affair still going on? If not, when did it end? Are they still in touch?
2. Is your partner willing to end it? Does this seem believable and realistic to you?
3. How and when did it start?
4. Is your partner in love with with him/her?
5. What does the affair mean to your partner?
6. Was protection used during sex? Have you been expose to STDs?
7. What means did your partner use to deceive you?
8. Is the lover someone you know?

Although I list them as simple questions, each one represents discussions that need space to occur over a period of time.. There are other questions you will undoubtedly have, and there are some that will not help you heal, such as:

1. Questions about explicit sexual details
2. Repeating questions that your partner cannot or will not answer

The first is obvious. Filling your mind with sexual images of your partner and lover will not help you at all. You will struggle with this without getting explicit details, getting the details will just make it worse.

The second type of question is problematic because you may get an “I don’t know” or “I don’t remember” that doesn’t feel authentic and you want to pursue until you get the truth. The deception that you realize you have suffered is so painful, you don’t want another minute of it; you feel deserving of complete honesty now. And you are, it’s just that every time your partner reveals more of what has happened they are giving up more control, and this control is what they have been basing their own sense of security on. You can get caught in a cycle in which your partner feels more and more threatened and therefore less forthcoming if you keep hammering away at questions they can’t readily answer. So give it a rest and come back to it later. On the other hand, if your partner really doesn’t remember or know and you keep asking, they may make up an answer to placate you and end the agony for the moment, and that leaves you being lied to again.

With the information you have gained, you are in a position to reflect on what your course of action should be. It is very important that you find support for this from someone other than your partner. Your partner is in no position to help you in this process beyond answering your questions, because they are experiencing the enormous and sudden loss of control that comes with disclosure and may promise things that they can’t deliver in order to restore this sense. Although you are furious, you might feel compelled to protect your partner from the judgment of friends, family and even clergy. It also might be difficult to reveal the fact that you have been cheated on to those close to you, as if it is a bad reflection on you. It is important to think about who you can trust; who will listen to you without judgment and not assume they know what is best for you. Is there someone who can just help you sort it all out? If not, a therapist could be of help.

As I mentioned earlier, it is important to have a space to do this in. If you feel you need space, but don’t take it because you are afraid this will take away your control over your partner’s comings and goings, you will feel better in the short run, but maybe not in the long run.

Is There Hope?

Many couples heal from affairs and find their relationship is better than ever. New channels of communication can open in unexpected ways, and a new closeness and intimacy can develop. A study by Peggy Vaughn found that when the secret comes out, and the infidel reveals everything and takes responsibility for the behavior, 88% of the marriages were healed. However, when the infidel clams up, blames the affair on the marriage or lover and does not take responsibility or answer questions there is only a 55% success rate. You might be thinking this is easier said then done. Therapy can make a tremendous difference in the ability to process, repair, heal and eventually move on from this most difficult experience.

Emotional ties play a central role in most women’s lives. Nature and nurture both contribute to this. For example, research shows that women actually have higher levels of oxytocin, the “love hormone” that makes people feel nurturing and loving. The song, “You Make Me Feel Like a Natural Woman” is a reflection of the self esteem love provides a woman. The feeling of “not being a man” on the other hand, is usually related to not performing well or being defeated.

It makes sense then, that more often than not, lesbians have love affairs as opposed to extra-relationship casual sexual encounters. Beverly Burch points out that it is the emotional connection itself that is the most hurtful to the betrayed partner. A casual sexual encounter is often less devastating for a woman than seeing her partner starry-eyed over someone else. (In contrast, men tend to not worry about emotional affairs, but can be devastated if there was sex, even if it was just a one night stand).

Not surprisingly, the most frequent other woman in lesbian affairs is an ex-girlfriend (and the second most frequent is a good friend). Ex-girlfriends frequently stay closely connected after the relationship is over. The bond is special, the love is still there, but mellows over time as the new boundary (of not being physical) is enacted over and over. Still, a new partner can sense this bond and feel excluded. Women differ as to how upsetting this is. If both new partners have or have had this kind of relationship with exes it may be more understandable to each and a feeling of family can develop among the group where trust and respect for each relationship serve to keep anyone from crossing the line. If the betrayed partner, however, is in her first lesbian relationship she may have no way of understanding ex-girlfriend relationships since once most heterosexual relationships end, contact between the couple also ends or is greatly diminished.

Ex-girlfriends have to work very hard at dealing with the loss of coupledom and setting up new boundaries and with the anger, grief and jealousy that are part of ending a relationship in order to stay friends. They frequently come out of this phase bonded in a way that feels like family. And sometimes there literally is a family, if there are children.

Initially, it is natural for the ex to feel painfully excluded and lingering traces of possessiveness when with the new couple. The intensity of these feelings can be confusing and lead to a belief that breaking up was a mistake. The ex may then make a desperate bid for reconciliation even though deep down she is not really certain that she wants to get back together. At this point she may become seductive. If the new couple is having difficulties this can be quite compelling. It can be so comforting to fall into familiar, loving arms when feeling hurt or rejected by the new partner who doesn’t feel as safe precisely because she is new. Add a glass of wine or two and the line has been crossed.

Lesbian relationships can become very focused on emotional security, over time leading to loss of boundaries which can lead to a waning of sexual desire. As Esther Perel puts it, “a fire needs air to burn.” The novelty of a new person, of rediscovering oneself as a sexual being can be extremely compelling.

At this moment in history most lesbians cannot marry. Having a girlfriend or even a partner conjures up a different set of meanings than having a wife. There are firm societal taboos against extramarital affairs that serve as strong boundaries around monogamy. Lesbian relationships, though they may involve everything a marriage does except the certificate, do not have these kinds of societal taboos in place. The relationship is much more dependent on the actual emotional connection between the couple. It is therefore sometimes harder for lesbians to feel the complacency that married couples do when it comes to fidelity and therefore easier to feel threatened by emotional connections with others.

I have discussed some of the painful realities of lesbian affairs. It might be helpful to know that a study conducted by Peggy Vaughan found that 80% of couples were able to heal from affairs if the person who strayed came clean and took responsibility.

It has been said that “No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.” (Albert Einstein). There is the potential for psychological and spiritual development upon the discovery of an affair that can be a thing of great depth and beauty. Working with affair couples I have witnessed over and over again how channels of communication and understanding can open leading to a new closeness and intimacy that was previously unimaginable.

He tells me they’re just friends. Am I being too possessive?

Can’t I have friends of the opposite sex?

Isn’t it better to give him a long leash?

Emotional affairs have become a hot topic in the last several years, resulting in much needed clarity for some and complete confusion for others. Conflicts arise in couples where one person’s friendship with someone else leaves their partner feeling neglected and angry , but also confused and uncertain about how to respond. “After all, they’re just business associates having lunch. I shouldn’t be so possessive.” If you’ve been telling yourself something like this, it probably has been relieving to learn that there is such a thing as an emotional affair. Identifiable patterns of behavior between “friends” that frequently end up in full blown sexual affairs have come to light.

The Pattern

Most of these relationships start at work, on the internet, or in some kind of intimate group experience, such as a spiritual community. The initial attraction is not sexual. Rather, it is the feeling that “this is someone who I can really talk to;” “this person gets me and I get her;” “we are great supports for each other;” “we are helping each other to be better people.”

Fueling the connection is the shared interest, for example, work or spiritual growth. However, the conversations eventually become very personal and the talk turns toward relationships, specifically the primary relationship that one or both partners are currently in. Suddenly you find yourself sharing aspects of your marriage or primary relationship that you have never talked about with anyone other than your partner. That may seem a bit strange, but you tell yourself you’re just talking so it is okay. And there is such a need to talk, one that hasn’t been satisfied in a long time.

Gradually the intensity of these conversations grows; whether in person, on the phone or on line, and so does the anticipation of these conversations. The conversations become the thing you look forward to more than anything else during the day, more than seeing your partner, even. And by the way, you are not sharing much about this friendship with your partner, certainly not the intimate things you talk about. But you do find yourself less “into” your primary relationship. After all, you need time to talk to this friend, or check your e-mail or text messages and compose your responses. And this is starting to take more and more time and energy. Never mind that your partner is alone in the kitchen trying to do the dishes and tend to a screaming baby at the same time. Or maybe you’re there in the kitchen but then later sneak out of bed to check your e-mail.

Your partner asks what is wrong and you say everything’s fine. He or she asks about your friendship with this person and you brush off her concerns or get defensive. The distance between the two of you grows, there is less and less chance that the two of you will address what you can now so easily talk about with your new friend. The stage is now completely set for the friendship to become more than friendship.

It’s an Emotional Affair If…

You are talking about intimate aspects of your primary relationship that you are not talking about with your primary partner.

Time and energy are being siphoned from the primary relationship into this new friendship.

Aspects of the “friendship” are kept secret.

You are not comfortable sharing this friend with your partner.

You would be uncomfortable if your primary partner was having this kind of relationship with someone else.

You have more excitement about contact with your friend than you do about contact with your primary partner.

The Surprising Truth About Emotional Affairs

What seems so innocent in the beginning can end up being more damaging to a relationship than some other types of affairs. The most damaging affairs are ones in which the connection is primarily emotional rather than sexual. One-time anonymous sexual encounters are the least difficult for a couple to work through and heal. Some studies show that this varies according to gender. Statistically, women have more trouble getting over the emotional connection their partner had with the lover while men have more trouble getting over the affair if there was sex involved. However, an emotional connection can leave the person involved in the affair more confused about where his or her loyalties lie.

What To Do if You Think

Your Partner Is Having an Emotional Affair

Whether or not you give your partner “a long leash” is not the deciding factor in whether an affair will occur. If the affair is occurring because of relationship problems (and not all affairs occur for that reason,) it is almost always because channels of communication have either broken down or were never developed in the first place.

If you feel uncomfortable about a friendship your partner is having with someone else, it is important to bring up these concerns. Invite him or her to talk about feelings about the relationship between the two of you, specifically, things that he or she previously may have felt uncomfortable talking about. Get clear on what is happening in your relationship that is making you uncomfortable, both in terms of your partner’s withdrawal, refusal to open up, and relationship with the other person. Be clear about what is okay and not okay with you. Ask him or her to read something about emotional affairs. If you cannot get through to him or her, advocate strongly for couple’s therapy.

Unfortunately, the intensity of feeling betrayed and humiliated by your partner can make it difficult to care about anything or anyone else. I have heard many stories of outraged discoverers of affairs holding a screaming baby while screaming obscenities and threats at their spouse. Even worse, I have heard stories of parents trying to grab the baby out of each others arms, claiming the baby is theirs and/or threatening to take him/her away. Things can quickly go out of control physically from there, especially if alcohol or drugs are also involved.

It is easy to assume that because infants and toddlers are not able to use language they don’t know what’s going on. However, research has demonstrated over and over again that infants experience exquisite sensitivity to the minute nuances of interpersonal interactions between themselves and their caretakers. For example, an infant who expects to have an experience of gazing into mother’s eyes gazing back at her and is instead met with averted eyes can experience distress and begin to employ strategies to recapture the gaze, such as babbling, fussing, crying, or squirming into a better position to regain the eye contact. Normally there is an interplay between caretaker and infant that renders these strategies successful. The caretaker responds by reestablishing eye contact and the infant learns that s/he can be an effective participant in staying connected and reestablishing a sense of rightness and security with the world. This is one tiny example of the very many important microcosmic interactions that go on all of the time during play, feeding, nursing, bedtime, etc., Most of the time these interactions are successful and occur naturally; parents don’t usually have to worry about learning how to do this correctly.

If one or both caretakers are in the throes of trauma, this systemic interplay can be compromised. The trauma of the discovery of an affair can lead you as a parent to experience increased irritability, anxiety, preoccupations, feeling ungrounded, sick, depleted, empty, and in general less tolerance for any more stress. Holding your screaming baby in order to soothe him or her might have seemed so much easier before. Now it can seem unbearable.

Research has correlated sustained disruptions in the infant’s ongoing felt experience of connection with caretakers with problems in later life such as increased levels of anxiety and difficulties processing thoughts and emotions.

Anything that can be done to decrease the air of tension in the home, and to have available adults who can be physically present and focused on your infant’s ongoing sense of connectedness and emotional safety is extremely important. Taking a few minutes before contact to focus on your intention to connect with your infant and let go of other considerations can be very helpful. If at all possible, staying in close communication with your partner about sharing this important responsibility is best. Reminding yourself that you want to contain the damage rather than allow it to spread can be helpful. If the home environment feels so shattered that you feel you cannot try to work this out, it may be best for your child to stay with a close friend or relative for a few days so that you and your partner can sort things out and figure out a plan for increased support for the family, which might involve living separately for a period of time in order to reestablish a home that feels emotionally safe.

Three year olds are stringing words together and can take you by surprise with what they come out with. Actually, their comprehension far exceeds their ability to represent what they are experiencing with words. In addition to the above considerations, it is important to provide very simple verbal explanations when toddlers want to know why everything doesn’t feel right. For example, “ I’m upset because I think daddy is spending too much time with (name of person if toddler knows him or her, or if not, with a friend). But don’t worry honey, we’re working it out and things will be okay soon.”