About Affairs

The revelation of an affair can be devastating for everyone involved. How the emotional fallout from an affair is handled will have a tremendous impact on the future of your primary relationship as well as relationships with other family members, friends and the wider social and professional circles of which you are a part. Children, in particular, are tremendously vulnerable to the effects of affairs.

Should You Get Help?

In the midst of the emotional chaos that accompanies the disclosure of an affair, the idea of going to therapy can feel like it will add fuel to the fire.

For some, it is natural to want to move on as quickly as possible and not dwell on what has happened. Some discoverers of affairs try to do this by adopting an understanding and forgiving attitude almost immediately. However, this rarely works and instead leads to more and more emotional disconnection which can eventually lead to a deadened relationship. Other couples can go the opposite route, engaging in heated and prolonged arguments sometimes lasting hours, which do not result in emotional satisfaction.

Volatility and deadness in relationships can interfere with sleep, work and self-care, which can lead to a host of secondary problems including physical illness.

Criticism, defensiveness and withdrawal can take over attempts to communicate with each other. Research on marriage shows that over time these behaviors destroy relationships. The therapist can help change these destructive behaviors into communications that actually create empathy and understanding between partners.

If you recognize yourself in what I am describing, it is important to get help. Good therapy will seek to bring you, or you and your partner, into deeper understanding and connection. This process will help you move beyond the traumatic impact of the affair, and allow you and/or your relationship to grow in ways that you might not be able to imagine at this point.

A Note to the Discovered

You may be experiencing tremendous guilt and and anxiety since the revelation of the affair.  It is natural to fear more judgments and blame from the therapist, but that is not a part of good therapy.  Therapy can help transform your guilt and anxiety into something that will contribute to your relationship, both with yourself and with your partner.

A Note to the Discoverer

Coming to therapy doesn’t mean that you have decided to stay in the marriage or forgive your partner. It also doesn’t mean that you are going to be blamed for the affair. It is simply a place to start from where you really are emotionally and let that process unfold in a safe space.

Can Therapy Really Help?

If there was a time in the relationship where things felt really right between you, there is a good chance that engaging in the therapy process can be very healing, and indeed, lead to a deeper sense of connection than ever. Once the truth has been dealt with and each partner feels newly understood the resulting closeness and sense of commitment to each other can be beyond what was previously imaginable.

What Next?

Please feel free to call or e-mail if you think you might be interested in therapy. If you are unsure, or unsure if couples or individual therapy would be best, I can help you with your questions. If finances are an issue, we can discuss this as well.

If I cannot see you I would be happy to assist with local referrals. If you live outside of the San Francisco Bay Area go to DearPeggy.com for a nationwide listing of therapists who work effectively with affairs.

Wishing you the very best,

Susan Berger, Marriage and Family Therapist