I came across an interesting statistic recently; 25% of relationships that start as affairs succeed. “Succeed” is defined as the couple staying together, rather than by the quality of the relationship.   I was surprised by the statistic.   If I had to guess, I would have thought the figure to be much lower. (For an update on this statistic go to “Can Relationships That Start as Affairs Succeed? Revisited”). But a statistic is just that, and doesn’t tell you anything about any particular situation.

Feeling torn between two lovers can be an agonizing experience. Besides the guilt, and fear of discovery, there is usually some degree of awareness that sooner or later one of those relationships will end.  Trying to decide which one would be the most painful to lose  may lead some to wonder what the chances are that a relationship that starts off as an affair will succeed.

Pitfalls of Affair Relationships

Relationships that start as affairs have many strikes against them.

Many affairs are like rebound relationships. They can arise out of an urgent emotional need, a need so urgent that a thoughtful process of getting to know someone and assessing what kind of partnership might result is not part of the bonding process. Rebound and affair relationships frequently have escape and/or rescue fantasies attached to them; these fantasies can be overpowering and cloud one’s vision.

Affairs can serve as an escape from difficult interpersonal dynamics in one’s primary relationship. Succumbing to the fantasy that the new relationship will be free of conflict or other emotional difficulties can be a setup for another failed relationship. We tend to repeat relational patterns over and over until we become conscious of doing so and find a way to embark upon a  process of change.

Trust is the foundation of successful relationships. Another reason why many affair relationships fail is that it can be difficult to deeply trust someone who has started the relationship by being unfaithful and deceitful with someone else. This act of betrayal can haunt the best of affair relationships and increase in intensity once the honeymoon phase is over.  During this phase it might be unimaginable to think that either party  could again engage in infidelity.

For example, in an affair relationship where conflict has started to arise, a solo business trip may bring up anxiety and/or conflict about what may happen during the separation.

There is also the issue of not having the support of family and friends. Having long-term successful relationships are difficult enough without trying to do them in a vacuum. Acceptance is frequently won over eventually, but it can take a while. The new partner may truly be a wonderful person but  friends and family can be closed-minded and  prejudiced against this relationship and  the idea of giving the new partner a chance. The bliss that had secrecy as it’s protection can suddenly turn into a tailspin of conflict with many people at once. Of course one  should not make decisions based on what others would think or feel. But it is important to honestly assess the affair relationship and think about whether it could stand this kind of stress. Can the relationship continue to grow in the context of relative social isolation, at least for some time?

Losing a spouse, even if the relationship had soured, is still a loss and needs to be grieved. New lovers vary on how willing and able they are to cope with the affair partner’s grief over losing the spouse. Such feelings may get stuffed down in the service of nurturing  the new relationship. However, down the line, unresolved grief will resurface in some form, either directly or indirectly.  If there is a sense that the new partner would not welcome hearing about this then there can be attempts to deny this part of the process.  Denial can lead to withdrawal, depression, irritability, or turning to drugs or alcohol or other addictive activities to numb the pain.

The question of whether the affair relationship will succeed relates to the question of what function it is playing in the relationship with the current spouse. If, at the outset of the marriage there was a significant amount of time during which the spouses were mutually in love and satisfied with each other, but then grew apart because of life stressors or conflict and an affair was sought to have the experience of  being in love again, this does not bode well for the long term success of the affair relationship. That is because almost all relationships follow a predictable course of developmental stages, all at some point going through a period of disillusionment.  Working through this stage together allows for  the potential of the development of a mature, dependable and sustaining love based much more on reality and much less on romantic idealization. If  the disillusionment is instead dealt with by betraying the commitment that was made, then that individual still lacks the  tools to navigate this stage which is waiting  down the road in the new relationship.

Affair Relationships That Have a Better Chance of Success

If, however, the marriage was somehow “wrong” from the beginning; if one or both weren’t in love, if it was a marriage of convenience,  if it has been mostly miserable or abusive, or if it was simply to escape loneliness or have children, that is a different story.  Admitting the reality of these situation can be painful because one can still feel very attached (as distinct from connected) to the spouse. The idea of leaving can fill  one with the dread of the loss of a sense of security that is related to familiarity and a shared history and lifestyle.

In my experience, these relationships that were “wrong” from the start are very hard to repair.

Meeting someone when one has matured and has learned how to have relatively healthy relationships (maybe having been in therapy by now) certainly can bode well for a promising future together. Finding someone who is both attractive and garners one’s respect and who is genuinely caring can be a catalyst for  a healthy and lasting new relationship.

For example, if prior to marriage, an individual unconsciously believed that they were unlovable, or didn’t deserve love, that individual may have ended up marrying  someone who would confirm these beliefs; someone who couldn’t really give love.

But, if there has been a change, and those unconscious beliefs have been worked through enough to where the individual now believes they deserve to be loved and are lovable (and are able to love in return), then there will be a natural attraction to someone who is capable of this type of reciprocity.  The whole foundation for the new relationship would be quite different than what had been experienced before.

What Next?

With all of this said, I believe that in most cases the most promising path is to separate the question of whether you want to end things with your current partner from whether you want to have a relationship with this new person. If the aloneness that this entails feels too intolerable to you, talking to a professional might be very helpful. Admittedly, it is the road less traveled but most often has the richest rewards.

This Post Has 539 Comments

  1. Anonymous

    It is far to easy to oversimplify the reasons why people start to embark upon affairs. Monogamous marriage means both partners commit their soul, sexual and emotional well being to each other, which also means actively offering yourself to the other partner for their emotional and sexual needs too. Many affairs start because one or both of the spouses has withdrawn from good quality sexual or emotional connection with the other to the extent where that other person has lost patience or faith that it can ever be rekindled, if it was ever there in the first place. Affairs can be very beautiful relationships and in some cases can stop too much anger or frustration spilling over from dissatisfied individuals whose only emotional outlet is a preoccupied or non-responsive spouse. However ultimately most affairs end in tears because sooner or later the “Where is it going?” question looms large and often the answer is nowhere. For anyone in a dissatisfying marriage, who has already accepted their compromised position, an affair going nowhere is fine, as it is still better than just feeling dissatisfied. But to a non-married person the situation usually ends up feeling wholly unsatisfying, as their situation is not compromised. I would hazard a guess that loyalty and commitment to wife and children mixed with emotional and sexual dissatisfaction is extremely common in many married men. The solution would have been not to let that dissatisfaction build up in the first place. But once it is there it needs to be managed somehow. Is leaving your spouse and children to chase a romantic dream that has a good chanced of dying later on really the noble choice to make? Not in my book. Best to let the affair run its course and when it is too painful to continue, stop. It won’t be nice, but less damage will be done that way then splitting up an entire family to chase a fantasy.

  2. Anonymous

    I have experience with an affair as well. I am northern European so our culture is different from the one in the USA but people everywhere have feelings of jealousy. My GF cheated on me when she was mentally ill and I never felt anger or anything. I had thought I would and break up if such a thing would happen but realized that I could understand and never wanted her to ask me to forgive her. I tried to understand, that she is human and turned out to be hypomanic or even manic, so what to do. That, however, got me thinking that no one needs to be mentally ill to still be human and not a straight, logical line. Whether bipolar or healthy, we are sometimes governed by our emotions and feelings, which we gladly accept when a partner is available. But on this forum here (may be USA?) people seem to be strongly condemned in general if one or both are in a relationship. Well to each their own, but I do understand that it does not matter too much for the feelings we have regardless of our situation. What makes it difficult is of course our conscience and the lying, not being able to tell the truth, and the hurt we can imagine. And it is frustrating not being able to freely express your love to each other and build up on that love (or accept its demise if it doesn’t work out).
    I think this duality is what makes affairs so difficult. I held off a colleague for the better part of a year and we remained friends. But sooner or later the inevitable happened. She has a BF (not cohabiting) and my GF and I stopped cohabitation 8 yrs ago since she has a personality disorder. Borderline. I am to this day very supportive and I love her no matter what. I love her a whole whole lot and she is so fragile I can’t imagine leaving her. I am her everything, she is trying so incredibly hard to get as good as she can. Takes medication. yoga classes, mindfulness meditation but she gets extremely stressed in certain settings, making it virtually impossible to go to social gatherings or celebrate holidays. We have had great times and our sex life is a 10! But whenever we plan a holiday the stress kicks in within four hours and she simply changes from one person to another. And remains that way until we are back from holidays. Then she experiences guilt (she is aware of her abnormal behaviour) etc. I can no longer do this. I miss a normal, reliable social partner. One I can lean on at times when I need it and that is very rare. This new woman clearly can and I can give her what she needs. She has never experienced a guy that fully says her he loves her, he finds her beautiful or writes her a poem. I still do this to my current GF for 13 years now. We tried to stop a few times before it went wrong (sexual) but when your big love is sitting right in front of you at the office (which would be me) it is so difficult. She loves loves my humour and how I treat all people with kindness and respect and my laughter. Her words. She also says she does not want to venture there but says she KNOWS deep inside herself she sees me as the dad of her third child. She thinks I would be a formidable dad (I have no kids so I wonder where that comes from, I am not so certain). I also see traits in her I don’t like and she sees them in me.
    But what really stops us and why we rarely enjoy being with each other is not the lies in themselves, but we very much dread the moment to tell our partners we want to beak up. I couldn’t bare to tell this to my GF. It would feel like I tremendously let her down (whereas a rational person would say what we do know is a letdown of immense proportions). She also feels sick to her stomach when she thinks about breaking up. Her relationship however was as bad as it is now well before we met. So she says she knows very very well that it has to stop, that her heart is with me but she does not want to say it. She also does not want to say “I love you” to me since it feels like an enormous betrayal. Sadly it is something I miss a lot from her. I fully understand it and do not want to force her, but it makes my bond with her weaker and weaker. I need her to be open. But I know I can’t ask it and I won’t so I also do not tell her what effect it has on me since that would be a clear form of manipulation…
    How will this end? I think in reality my GF and I will break up within a year, she…doesn’t know. But the chance of us becoming partners no matter how bad we want it is less than 10%. I think the stress we have already experienced will prove too much and one or both of us and will stop all of this. Sad, but I need to be real about this. I dread the time of being alone. But that is probably the future for the next few years I think…

  3. Anonymous

    I really needed to come here today…. I’ve been a fool for the past fourteen years of my life. I’m now 37, he is 54….he’s married, they have 3 kids and successful careers. I’m a gay male who’s always been attracted to older men, me being closeted and discrete made our affair that much easier. At first for me it was the amazing sexual chemistry and level of intimacy. I’ve always known when their last kid graduated high school that they would be moving out of state. The past couple of years I have grown super attached to the point of it now scaring him. He told me the other day that his life sucks and he needs space from me. We have seen each other once a week for the past 14 years spending hrs together each time. I don’t try to date and I don’t try to look for anyone else. I’m really in love with him. Then he made it clear that he wants to be with his wife, but I got a different feeling and he seems very saddened. I almost think that there’s a chance we might not see each other again. He’s moving at the end of the year. I’m devastated almost feels like everything was fake. I even asked him and he said there’s no way he could fake what we have. I know what I did wasn’t right. I was young and confused, just getting out of a relationship newly on depression medication and he was just so comforting and reassuring, just everything to me. Now I’m left here to basically not have the person that made this big impact on me for the past fourteen years of my life and it’s destroying me and I don’t know how to deal with it. I obviously will never get myself into something like this again but it’s going to take a long long time for me to recover. Please everyone, whatever you do, try to stay away from married people. We now are going to try to wean ourselves off of one another and make our visits bi-weekly, but in all honesty I don’t see him going through with that.
    What an awful awful feeling that I’ve never felt before.

  4. Anonymous

    My spouse of 10 years had an affair for the last 1.5 years of our marriage. Upon discovery, I left for a few days then returned offering forgiveness if only she cut contact with him. This worked for 3 months until she was at her friend’s house and he came to pick her up after talking her into a “break.” She went with him for a week, then went straight to a gun shop where she shot herself in the parking lot. She wrote me a letter saying she is sorry for what she had done to me and that I was the best person she had ever known, but that she was weak in letting him take advantage of her.

    We had pretty much done nothing but spend time together for the whole 10-year relationship, so losing her has been like losing my soul (we were both first loves). I tried to kill myself multiple times before her parents, who live with me, took me back to their country to make me work on their rice farm until I was healed. They saved my life, but a year later I am still only a shell of my former self. I can’t work at all, can’t take an interest in anything, and mostly just pace around my house thinking about the past and drink, which is the only thing that numbs the pain.

    I’m done, really. My case is extreme, but I hope those of you perpetrating these affairs realize a couple of things:

    1. “Unhappiness” is a retrospective notion that would never have surfaced had the affair never happened.
    2. On the off chance that the other spouse loves him/her truly, you will destroy this innocent victim of your selfishness.
    3. If you really love the one you are in the affair with and he/she does not show an immediate willingness to leave the primary spouse, you are only going to hurt the adulterer long term.
    4. Affairs have only a 3% chance of leading to marriage, compared to 40% for legitimate relationships. Those that lead to marriage are twice as likely to result in divorce, and marital dissatisfaction rates are 4x higher among those that stay.

    It’s unreal what my wife and I have been through, and all because of the selfish action of one man. IF YOU ARE IN AN AFFAIR, STOP. Control your emotions or you will DESTROY the victims of your actions–your loved ones and your partner’s loved ones, and most likely your affair partner, too. “He” thought he was helping my wife, but she’s probably burning in hell now, which hurts most of all. Please stop being so selfish.

  5. Anonymous

    People that cheat (while married) are nothing but losers. If you are unhappily married and you want to be free – get a divorce. Running around cheating and trying to act like you are free is ridiculous!!! Think of everyone else that this involves on both sides. AND eventually you will not be able to keep track of all the lies and you are going to get caught anyway. From someone who knows …. tell the truth and get out of the marriage. Everyone will survive!!!

  6. Anonymous

    His ex-wife considers me ‘the other woman’ and I suppose that I am. He left her after 36 years of a marriage he knew was wrong from the beginning. She knew it, too. I kept my distance as he had to make this incredibly difficult decision on his own. I moved 6 hrs away. And he eventually followed.

    We treasure what we now have. It is beautiful.

    I do HATE that we hurt her terribly. But I believe it takes courage to be true to yourself. “Some people believe that holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, sometimes it takes much more strength to know when to let go and DO IT.” ~ Ann Landers

    And just because one relationship ends, doesn’t mean it was a failure.


  7. Anonymous

    @532 Please talk to your mum first and tell her to deal with your dad.

  8. Anonymous

    My mother is in an affair with someone. What should I do???? My father doesn’t know about it. I luv my mother and father very much and I cannot gather the courage to talk either to my father or my mother…..what should I do?

  9. Anonymous

    524, 525,527, 529! Yesss I feel u all!

  10. Anonymous

    #525, you sound just like my partners affair partner. Friendships take away from your marriage. When you tell your affair partner things about you/your life/your feelings, you are cheating your marriage partner out of the emotional part of your marriage. If you invested the time and energy into your marriage partner maybe your marriage would be better. Anyone who is married who is sharing their emotional or physical life with someone else is stealing time and energy away from your marriage. Leave if you are unhappy, but stop hurting the people who love you, look up to you and think the world of you. Let them find someone else who they can share their life with. Woman up or Man up and stop cheating everyone else out of the love they deserve. We only have so much time on this earth so stop hurting those around you.

    By the way this innocent affair partner who was so great friend and wonderful person has not let go, they are harassing us, following us around, sending text’s, emails and calling. Even worse, they have dragged our children into this mess. Messing around with someone’s emotions is dangerous business.

  11. Anonymous

    Your wife probably loves both of you. It is possible! Whether you leave or stay, the result will be the same. You won’t ever have your wife as your own. If you can bear to share, then stay. In time, the devotion to her lover may wane. If you leave she may be forced to choose you or her lover. Time will tell. Maybe time apart from her will clarify both your situations.

  12. Anonymous

    My wife has been having on and off relationship with her high school sweetheart behind my back. But lately, things have taken a serious turn. She wants to be with him and still be with me. This situation is against my faith. Should I just leave?

  13. Anonymous

    And nobody commenting thinks that affairs occur because maybe monogamy is not the natural state of being for human beings?

    Certainly monogamy works for some people but others may enjoy sex with other whether it may be loving or meaningless. But we live in a society that in order to have a family we have to become monogamous.

    Its time that society started to accept polyamourous people in the same way that they have accepted gay people.

    Sex at Dawn is an interesting book for anyone who wants to understand the primal physiological and psychological reasons against monogamous relationships

  14. Anonymous

    I read all these posts and can relate. Loving someone you can never be with is soul destroying. You can’t chose who you love, it just happens…

  15. Anonymous

    I must write. I have read about the physical changes that happen in our bodies, the brain and hormonal changes when there is a strong attraction… is like a drug. I am a responsible, kind, loving person, 25 years of marriage and I love my husband. I never once thought of straying or leaving nor did I ever put myself in a position to form a relationship that would affect my relationship with my spouse, my friend. Our relationship has been difficult, we have many differences and I may not have loved him in the most passionate way from the beginning of our marriage… I loved him though and always wanted to be with him. But I met another man, never once thought there was the slightest attraction, there wasn’t; but there was a friendship and respect and kindness that turned into a very strong love, a strong desire to be near one another, to share the most mundane of days, to share the simplest of conversations, to succeed together, to fail together, to be just human together. It is not about sex or lust or physical desire, it is a longing for the most dear of all the things– that one we wish for–the one that helps us to help complete this journey in life, a friend and companion that makes us whole. I was always judgmental, felt that we had control, that affairs were the most selfish acts… they are by the way, but I have since learned how painful and lost we become when we are loving more than one significant person. I did not go looking, did not want this, but have no idea how to stop, I will lose a friend either way, I will lose love either way, I will hurt fiends and family and I will lose a companion. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I am hurting, never ever expected to love like this… I never put myself in this position, it happened. We are not awful people, we just sincerely love our best friend. Don’t have pity on the cheaters, but just wanted you all to know that sometimes love really does happen this way. We will not hurt anyone, we will leave one another, but we are broken. Not young kids, have been around the block, know when the right one comes along. Maybe in another life! No judgement for those of you that this just happened to, it is devastating.

  16. Anonymous

    I can say that I was happily divorced 22 years ago because all that I wanted was for my wife of twelve years to be happy. When she told me she fell in love with one of my friends and wanted a divorce I did not even get angry and agreed right away. The next day my friend came to ask me if I really agreed to the divorce. My answer was yes and they both got my good wishes. And to this day, both of them are still my friends. After the divorce, I moved away to another city and got married again. Over the years my ex and her husband came to visit us several times and my wife and I went to visit them also. I can clearly see that my ex and her husband have been happy together. By the way, my present wife is not a jealous type and neither am I. I think this is one of the examples that an affair relationship could turn out to be happily ever after.

  17. Anonymous

    My husband cheated on me after 30 years of marriage. We had known each other since our teenage years and eventually got married. We had kids right away and almost immediately he showed who he really was. He was an alcoholic, immature, insecure and jealous. I was very disappointed and unhappy but chose to stay for the sake of my three sons. I became bitter and cold and didn’t take much care of myself. I gained weight and found comfort on being a mother a provider and taking care of everything at home. I was the strong responsible one and my husband found it convenient to just use me all these years. We never went anywhere and it got to the point that I did not care anymore. I asked him on several occasions to go with me to counseling but he never wanted to. I resented him for his drinking. He was a good father to our kids when they were little but when they became teenagers he became distant like he did not know how to handle them. Back in 2011 he was transferred about 2 hours from our house and the commute was too hard for him. He did it for a couple of years and eventually found a room to be there during the week and came home on the weekends. In 2014 he started working with this woman that was divorced and 2 years older than him. They traveled a lot together and share a lot of interests. Soon he started coming home late on Fridays and leaving on the weekends. Ten months into the affair I found out and confronted him. He was such a coward that denied it and so I started digging for evidence and confronted him again. This time he did not deny but did not want to leave either. After this he became a monster that did not hide his relationship with this woman and continued to stay in the house to hurt me with his attitude. He has never confessed to his sons and I had to tell them myself. For the past two years he has changed so much, he does not even talk to his sons, he is rude to me and is only in the house because he does not have enough money to move in with that woman. He has tried a couple of times to leave her but he is weak and always gives in. She is so obsessed with him that when he is not with her she calls him and texts him constantly. One weekend I counted over 100 texts she sent him until he left to go see her. He tells me that he knows he will never be happy but this is stronger than him. As for the woman, from what I can gather she is very selfish and needy and likes all the attention she gets from my husband. She likes the good life and is showing my husband a life of fun and lust that he did not know. The problem is that he can’t afford that life style although he lies to her that he can. So many times he ends up with no money in the bank and could not possibly keep up a life with her. He has based this relationship in lies and has hurt not just me but my sons, my family and his family in the process. He claims he was unhappy because I was cold, our sex life was boring and I got fat. This was very hurtful when I think of all the years I supported him. I helped him get a career I worked very hard so he could go back to school and did not have to labor all his life. Ironically, now that he graduated another woman enjoys that. He has been wonderful with her because she makes him happy with great sex and fun trips. If that’s all he wanted he should have never gotten married because marriage means commitment, support, responsibilities and maturity and he was never capable of any of that. I was unhappy too but did not chose to cheat I told him on several occasions all he needed to do was to man up and leave but of course he is looking for his convenience and not the well being of my boys and I. My sons are grown men, but two of them live with me and are willing to help me so we can kick him out of the house. Thanks to his irresponsibility we have so much debt and I can’t pay it all by myself. I risk loosing my house if he stops paying, since at least he is giving me half of the bills which is fair cause they’re his bills too. I don’t want to be in the way of my son’s life by asking them to help me financially it’s not fair to them. They have a life of their own and should not be responsible for me. However they are willing and I will accept it for a short period of time so I can get my feet back on the ground. Since the affair I lost 45 lbs. Paid off four credit cards, keeping in shape, going out with my friends and forgetting that man even exists. He still needs my help but my son told him to leave since neither I nor them can live in a house with somebody with no morals and values. If he chooses to be with that woman then he can leave and face the consequences of his actions. He has not come back and I hope to never see him again. I am now convinced my husband never loved me and cheated on me on several other occasions he just never had a woman as pushy as this one. I don’t believe he loves this woman either; in fact he does not love himself so how can he love other people. This woman is in for a rude awakening, one day my husband will realize he lost the best thing he ever had, a woman that loved him and three wonderful sons. It is a matter of time before he sees himself in the mirror and feels sick and disgusting and I know that he will take his frustrations out on her. As for me I am the blessed one that still have a chance for happiness with a real man and not a coward like my husband. All I know is what goes around comes around and karma exists.

  18. Anonymous

    To suggest that the old relationship was this or that and so not healthy is a cop out. Anyone who wants to betray their commitment can just tell themselves anything they wish to justify their insidious betrayal. Affair marriages are wrong, period. Most of them end up extremely unhappy after the participants caused so much pain to others at the start – only to now be in a dead marriage where they act happy while they are, in reality, miserable – again, after having engaged in heartless, selfish betrayal of the former partner.

  19. Anonymous

    Oh dear this sounds very complicated. As an outsider reading this tangled tale of two sets of lovers intertwined…,.wow that has to create a very complex set of emotions ! Aside from the nightmare of finances etc. Seems like your lover is still emotionally connected to the both of you. And yes, we can love more than one person at a time. If you are not happy with sharing him with his ex, and it appears they are quite well connected in ways not just geographical then you need to cut him loose. If doing this is too painful for you then you really have no option but to turn a blind eye to their ongoing connection. He is having two wives, in effect. I am currently in a situation where I have two husbands. Love them both dearly but in different ways. Due to the emotional toll it is taking on me I am now choosing which husband is the best fit all round. I believe men can compartmentalise their lives easier than women, thus your lover thinks he can still have both of you in his life. He probably won’t make any changes to the arrangement so it is up to you. An unenviable position I think. Hope this helps?!

  20. Anonymous

    My BF and I were high school sweethearts. We both were married when we reconnected 5 years ago. He was unhappy and so was I, both left our marriages of 22 years, though he continued to co-habitate with his ex for 3 years due to financial reasons, not ready to sell their house and wanting to avoid court. During this time, his wife contacted my ex-husband (still to this day, none of us are divorced), and the two of them began a 4-year full on affair as a result of our actions. During this time, his wife still cried and maintained that she loved my lover ( her husband). There were a couple of in-person confrontations between her and I, where she said he was still telling her he loved her, and was cohabitating in the same bed the whole time over the 3+ years. She even said they had been intimate and had oral sex on numerous occasions and that he told her he wanted to “work on things” with her and was no longer seeing me. Which I told her she was crazy and none of this was true; it was wishful thinking on her part and she read more into what her husband was saying, hearing only what she wanted to hear. Over the next few months I put my foot down, told him it was her or me. Finally on year 4, he moved out of their house for 15 months and got his own apartment. The whole time seeing me, spending time together, telling me he loves me… yet won’t move in with me, as his job is an hour commute from my house. He says he won’t move in with me until the divorce is final. Due to financial commitments he must wait until the house has sold in order for us to get a place together. I have attended his family reunions, holidays with his parents and brothers, and am considered now part of his family. It is understood that he is separated and that his marriage was over long ago. They also know of her affair with my husband/ex.
    Fast forward to 5 years – after 15 months, he has moved back into the house he shares with his wife. He has been back 5 1/2 months. He states that they share different rooms and it is strictly a roommate situation… she has no job and nowhere else to go. She has since cut off all contact with my ex, he calls me to discuss this often, as he cannot understand how she cut him off so coldly, will no longer speak to him for the past 5 months. He really loves her. I feel sorry for him. I still continue to see my lover, we are planning a future together. I understand his living arrangements but am wondering how much longer this will last. My ex called me about a month ago and told me his friend witnessed them together at a beach. This friend also knows her. The friend said they were camping together, headed down the coast. Now mind you, my lover told me he was there by himself, texted me the whole time, saying he was there to take pictures with his camera (it’s his hobby). I believed him. When is she going to get a life and move on? Why doesn’t she leave the house, since he is the one paying for it? I think this woman has done enough damage to all of our lives. He is still paying for her everything! My lease is up in December, I’m anxious to have our life together and tiring of waiting/hearing about her. Can you give me any advice on this crazy situation?

  21. Anonymous

    Oh my, such interesting reading! Yes, an affair is sinful, but one who has not been in this position of temptation should be slow in their judgment. Allow God to do his judgment and the rest of us look into our own souls and remember we all are sinners, so those without sin, pick up the stone…

  22. Anonymous

    You must be so torn. It sounds to me you would benefit from some time on your own, away from both men. Perhaps tell your boyfriend you need some space. Move out and live on your own or with friends to give clarity to the situation. The new man in your life may get spooked by such a move as it may make him realize you mean business. Your new man sounds like his life is in a state of upheaval, but if the two of you are truly meant to be together, love will find a way. You will have to eventually be honest with both your boyfriend and new man as to how you feel about them. You will need to choose. Follow your heart.

  23. Anonymous

    I am back with my ex boyfriend about a year now. We dated previously for about 5 years on and off, he could never fully commit, but the ultimate fail was loosing a baby with him, we separated after the miscarriage and 3 yrs later we found each other again and started dating. Again it was kind of shaky, me always living the past remembering our difficult 5 years previously together, starting a new stressful job, etc, but we started to grow closer in the last couple months. Then he went out of the states for 3 months. I was again at a crossroads with my job; was I going to move back home, just major life decisions, etc. He promised me we would move into together when he got back, but then changed his mind in a phone conversation 2 weeks after he left the country. All this past history came bubbling up, I felt here we go again, something to always halt our progression forward as a couple. I began feeling our relationship is just so stagnant and never going anywhere. Well before he left, I started hanging out with this guy as friends that I know from a sport and social league. Before my bf left out of the country we hung out chilling as friends, nothing happened, but you could tell we were attracted to each other and we were flirting, but no physical contact. He didn’t know I had bf. One night he tells me he is confused by our interaction and wants to know what I’m feeling. I tell him I have a bf, I can’t do anything, but I am attracted. We didn’t talk for several weeks and I spent those weeks with my bf knowing he was going to leave for 3 months. I knew this friend was going to call me right when my bf left to travel. Sure enough he did and we instantly connected. I mean there is pure fireworks when I am with him. I’m feeling now like I just love my bf as a friend; we will always have a crazy shared past, especially with our miscarriage, but I feel so alive with this new guy and so stagnant with my bf. I’m dreading the thought of telling him, but I know the guilt will eat me alive. I don’t know when the right time is to tell him, can’t imagine telling him when he gets off the plane nor telling him in several months. The thought of having sex with my bf after I did with this new guy is making sick, I don’t wan to give my bf my “shared” body if that makes sense; I don’t want to do that to him. We have kept contact by phone calls while he was away, and he was so sweet, telling me he misses me, he can’t wait to see me. I don’t want to break his heart, but I can’t lie to him and I can’t mourn the loss of losing my new guy. Last but not least, the new guy doesn’t think I should tell. He’s in a bad spot with custody of his kids (he’s not married, and left his gf back at the beginning of the year so he is not cheating on anyone with me). This guy though is so sweet to me, he’s here for me everyday and I tell him that sometimes things are not planned in a timely manner. I know he’s not emotionally available right now for a full blown relationship but I have this hope in time he will come around. HE tells me he is strongly attracted to me and has feelings, but the timing is messed up. All my friends tell me to not say anything to my bf, except one friend that tells me to be honest. I’m so confused and he walks off the plane in two days and I have no idea what I am going to do.

  24. Anonymous

    515- so agreed. I was dating a man for 4 yrs. When we started dating he said he “had a girlfriend but wasn’t in love with her; they just worked together and it was a career move”. I called bs at first but when he stayed up 7 nights a week with me on the phone and introduced me to everyone in his life I believed him. She was very accomplished in their industry but cold and very hard to look at. All of his friends and family agreed that their relationship was crap. Well, I figured it would run its course and he would fall in love with me like I fell in love with him. Instead I learned she wasn’t a girlfriend but a fiance and he got married behind my back while we were dating! How do I cope?

  25. Anonymous

    An affair is the result of a marriage breakdown and not the cause. Ideally people should divorce first before moving on but in so many cases this does not happen.

  26. Anonymous

    My dad is having an emotional affair with a woman who happens to be his tenant and it had been going on for 18 months. It started in typical midlife crisis mode – cannot stand getting older: drinking far too much (sometimes 6-7 hours at a time – coming back at 4am in the morning), being very distant and aggressive toward us and dressing far too young for his age (he’s 54). He is a very narcissistic person (I think he has ‘Narcissistic Personality Disorder” (NPD), myself). My mother has MS and I have Asperger’s. In the past year he has insulted me, my brother and mother to our faces and in the past has come between us and our friends, pushing them away, causing us to fall out with them. He announced that he was having an affair to us about two weeks before Christmas. It only lasted 4 weeks until he came back to us, sobbing saying that he was sorry for what he had done. Then he had this idea to go to Manchester, UK (which he had told the OW about) with me my mother and brother, only we didn’t go to Manchester, but to Liverpool. He was sleeping with my mother (whether the OW knew, I have no idea). When we came back he parked his car in a local swimming pool car park – so the OW couldn’t see it, came home and didn’t even tell the OW that he had no intentions of coming back to her. She then sent him a text saying “well then?” and another one calling him a “spineless bastard! or how could he do this to her and her family?” How how ironic!
    Things were getting better slowly but surely with my mother and father, although I was still suspicious that he was still in contact with her. My mother asked him to kick her out of the house and to sell it, and also to block her number. We also bought a family caravan (at this point I think he had no plans to go back to her). While at home he insulted her and her family saying that they are “scumbags”, “lazy”, “her son is ugly, disrespectful and had bad teeth and breath”, “her daughters were fat sluts”, and that her house was dirty, that she didn’t clean or wash up after herself. But then about two months later my mother went on his online phone account and discovered that he’d been texting her for about a month. He had this stupid idea of getting a flat (an apartment) to stay in while he got his head sorted out (which he didn’t).
    A few weeks after he left he my mother she discovered another number that he had been texting while he was carrying on his EA with her (which we have reasons to believe it was her own sister. We’ve told her and she chooses to not believe it. She tells my mother that she thinks it’s good what she’s done and that me and mt brother are adults, NOT children anymore (which is true – I am 24 and he is 23). But when he comes to our house now it’s like he has a time limit on him and he comes without his phone (like she can’t trust him just coming around to our house) – if she’s insecure this early on (17 weeks into the relationship, how is she going to trust him in the future?).
    When he comes around he starts crying for no reason, and when I ask him whether he loves my mum or the OW, he says he will always love my mother, and when I ask about her he says well… “I don’t know…” and sometimes even goes silent. What’s all that about, then? I don’t think he’s happy; when I ask how he is liking living in a tiny house with her he says “it’s not ideal”. Myself I don’t think it will last at all, because if she cannot trust him and he is miserable already, they’ll probably drive each other insane. He hasn’t changed any of this post/mail to the address he is at now. She must be thinking if he hasn’t changed his mail to her house, is he intending on staying with me/us?
    I think he has some kind of master plan that he’s not telling anyone.

  27. Anonymous

    I think it’s hugely important to live in the truth. Sometimes that takes a lot of guts. Just keep in mind that the hurt that you may cause other people while on the road to being true to yourself is TEMPORARY . . .if handled with love and compassion and approached with a mature mentality. All situations are different so none of us should pass judgement. I just know that I would never want someone to stay with me out of “duty” . . .

    Sometimes – rarely – we are fortunate enough for the stars to line up, the timing to be right and we cross paths with our genuine soulmate and most of the time that is impossible to just walk away from.

    As for me, I finally got it right. Without apology,

  28. Anonymous

    I married my husband because I truly loved him. I never saw the signs that he didn’t love me until our wedding night when he made me sit in my own vomit for 3 hours after getting off a plane. I realized I had made a mistake but believed marriage is forever. Now, 13 years later I am still married to this man who has never showed me any love, and it was connection that I craved. I still believe that marriage is forever, but I’ve also met a man who is my best friend. He’s my hero, my Rock. As strong as my commitment is to my husband, I unwillingly fell in love with this man. I’m terrified of divorce and terrified of hurting my kids. But, can’t turn away from the man I’ve fallen in love with. I can’t explain the feelings I have for finally being able to give love and recieve love back. I’m not looking for validation because I’m know I’m wrong, just looking for advice on how to handle my situation

  29. Anonymous

    Reading this is so disturbing. My husband had multiple affairs and the final one he decided to leave me, after 27 years of marriage. He moved in with his girlfriend and her two small kids. But here is the deal. He was very good at living a double life. His lived his life in compartments. So when I finally figured it out (it took years) and read his emails, I realized that he told the other women a much different story about his life at home than what the reality was. We weren’t that unhappy and our family was loving and caring for each other. But, he struggled with being able to feel content. No matter what we did we couldn’t make him happy and content because that comes from within. So of course his live-in girlfriend and kids didn’t make him happy either, once the shine wore off. We have had a lot of therapy and worked it out and we work every day to keep open communication and stay engaged in a loving, authentic, mature relationship. So here is what I think affair partners should know. If he is lying to me, he is lying to you. Liars lie. Relationships based on lies are really no relationship at all. So move on and find someone who deserves to be loved by you and step out of your partner’s marriage so he can focus on doing the right thing for his family and himself. Finally, you may wonder how can I trust him. You never know for sure but he knows and I know that I trust in myself to never look a blind eye to things that don’t seem right and I trust in myself that if it ever happens again, I will be OK on my own. That has made the difference. I take care of him and he takes care of me.

  30. Anonymous

    I agree with the last post – (509) – Everyone makes the same excuses for an affair and what it really boils down to is selfishness. No one wants to admit “hey, I’m a selfish, lying snake so I’ll go get some from a new honey and see what it feels like; that it might hurt someone else is irrelevant to me.”
    Instead, it’s “I’m misunderstood, and this new person loves me so much and makes me feel young again – I’m entitled to this.”
    I am the ex-wife of a snake who cheated on me for 5 years during our 22+ years marriage – when I found out, he feigned regret but meanwhile started with a new witch he works with. Yes- maybe I was not paying attention – clearly I trusted too much and I probably work too much. So that left idle hands, etc.
    I need to get over this anger because I am so hurt by him, and by these 2 wenches (both are older than me, so I figure he really just wants his mother, which I guess all men do) —
    I am always amused at the posts of folks who have started off in an affair and are confounded as to why their “soul mate” is now acting like a jerk. All I can say is “ha ha.”

    And BTW, I don’t get this “marriage of convenience” non-sense. Convenient for whom? That phrase sounds like something off of a 1960’s soap opera. In reality, that phrase is just a convenient excuse to do what you want.

  31. Anonymous

    If you contemplating or having an affair consider this:

    Soulmate (or love of my life) is just a way to describe the in-love feelings. There is no objective evidence for existence of soulmates.

    In-love feelings are obsessive, often buried in fantasy and last somewhere between 6 months and 2-4 years. They also come with a bouquet of hormones that make the whole experience addictive. The disillusionment that takes place after this period causes most of the relationships based on affairs to fail.

    Inability to have your needs met in marriage will likely also be the problem in your new relationship. If you were not satisfied with you marriage, you need to ask yourself if you truly made the effort yourself. Do you understand what marriage is all about in the first place?

    Infidelity is often unexpected, because it is compulsive. It originates in lack of self control, selfishness and weak character. Most emotional affairs, however, go through very similar pattern, which often start with you confiding in “friend” of opposite sex and sharing thoughts that you supposed to share only with your spouse. They are further built on secrecy.

    Affairs are often blamed on the spouse or on a bad marriage. While there are certainly abusive relationships, the fact you have not left them earlier and instead used it to justify an affair speaks for your low self esteem and lack of integrity. Most of the times however the spouse and the marriage become bad in your mind as a way to justify your affair. This is a coping mechanism against cognitive dissonance. No one is perfect and there is always something to be unhappy about, so you make excuses for your behavior and choices.

    Any relationship takes work and marriage requires honesty, trust and intimacy. Do you think you have better chance with someone you shared many years with or someone new you have feelings for? Infidelity is often forgiven when there is sincere remorse and desire to work on marriage. It can be a wake up call that leads to much better relationship with your spouse.

  32. Anonymous

    My current relationship began 4 years ago as an affair. We were attracted to each other instantly even though we were with our spouses at the time. We controlled the attraction for months, but ended up giving in. I was in a 28 year long bad marriage, waiting for my son to graduate and move back to the US for college. He claimed his so called 7 year marriage was loveless and she was simply a good friend and partner that often stated that she loved her pets much more than she did him. After 1 year of our meeting up most every day for hours at our own apartment, my spouse left. Once our son graduated I was presented with divorce papers and all was simple. Shortly after this, he convinced his spouse to return to the States, so we could be together. They were not legally married, so no divorce necessary. She made arrangements and left 3 years ago without much ado. He moved in with me on the same day. He does pay all the bills for us. He gave her 1/2 of everything (cash) so she could buy herself a house, car and get back to work. Her beloved dog was ill, so he paid for $6000.00 in vet bills. He was concerned about the devastating effects of this dog dying so he waited to tell her that he was moving on and had a girlfriend (me). I insisted he tell her because I heard through a mutual friend that she wanted to come back and visit him. So a year later (3 years into our relationship) he broke the news. It seemed to go over smoothly, but they still keep in touch monthly through email. Nothing too sweet, but I’m still concerned about it. My biggest concern is that we work in REal Estate together and pool our commissions into a joint account. We are in our 4th year together and have planned on marrying. Last night, in a drunken stupor he said that once we make a big deal, he would like to send her more money. WTF???? I think that is a deal breaker. I can’t even talk to him about this, I’m so angry right now. She has a vacation home, savings, and makes over $100,000. per year. We barely make ends meet. I need advice here people!!!!!

  33. Anonymous


    I have been married since 2008. We have stayed apart for the last 3 years. We got divorced 1 year back, having a 6 year daughter. I am 31 now. It seems all through my young age I was struggling to build good understanding and trying to be make a happy family. In fact I have given max support to my husband in every way as a wife. I Compromised, changed myself completely, gave up my career thinking he was worth it because I loved him. But I have gotten nothing but a broken heart. I spent all of my days alone while he was always away from home. At last I was forced to quit thinking that at least I can come out of this pain and give my little girl happiness.
    Staying alone never seemed to be difficult for me because I was clear about what to do with my career and future. This is where I was wrong. Life will never give us what we look for. It makes us choose. There we stand. Which path do we choose, good or bad? Four months ago every thing changed. I knew the man for years..but it had been a professional relationship. Suddenly he started admiring me. I was very clear with him in saying that I didn’t want to be in this kind of relationship which cannot be named or accepted. I believed his love. In fact, he loves, has very deep feelings for me..now we are in to relationship. We both are very honest with each other. We are connected emotionally..he does care about me a lot, takes care of my every feeling. We feel that we are soulmates. He cares about my little girl also. He is married with 2 kids. He is being very honest and says that he do loves his wife and kids. He takes care of his family very well. But one question always arise in my mind; if he is really a happy man with his family why has he entered into my life? I don’t want to be treated as the other woman. I do know very well that this relationship is giving me pain and happiness. I trust him a lot; the way he loves me and takes care of me but, he he has his family. I feel guilty when I think that I am the other woman in his life. As the days passed I started thinking more about him. Whenever I am, in the office, home or out, I am just not able to stop my feelings for him I have already had enough pain in my married life. Now this relationship is giving me happiness and pain. I’m not jealous of his family, but my dark relationship is killing me. When I shared this with him he said that this pain will be for my life time, but he tries to keep me happy as much as possible. I have been hating myself now for days. I cannot spend my entire life in this dark affair. I am in confusion. I am not able to judge my position or feelings. I don’t have anyone to share this with. I feel like I’m standing in the corner of life!

  34. Anonymous

    Many of these relationships leave a broken heart… They disturb many people’s lives, hopes… But this is unavoidable. No one intentionally gets into these affairs! We will never realize it until we are hurt.

  35. Anonymous

    To all and 45:

    After a 20 year marriage my wife had an affair with a married man (who has two infant children); we have three teenagers. The history was sort of like a B movie. My gut instinct told me she was cheating, I asked, she denied, I hired a PI, who then caught (filmed) her meeting up in parking lots in shady places. It was total shot to her dignity and although she justified her actions by “I found my soul mate.” She begged me to keep the matter private (she did not want to be outed).

    What I learned thus far is you really can’t expect a person to guarantee they will love you forever, and if they do meet their soul mate and destined to be with them, there is some level of acceptance that you just have to deal with this (I am doing this now). However, what one should expect, or demand really, is fair disclosure ahead of the secondary relationship crossing the line into romantic love. At minimum, one owes this to your primary spouse, and even more so, themselves. The truth hurts once, but lies last forever (or much longer).

    Had my wife (now ex-wife) been honest up front, it would have been much better for her. She, like many cheaters, projected her guilt onto to me, and her youngest child, as she began and pursued her affair. This is where that led her.

    I hired a PI and caught her on film doing something which she is terribly ashamed (people generally don’t like that).

    She so alienated her youngest son, that he lives with me full time (which I love) and she has not seen him in 5 months, she simply can’t face him, and come clean to what she has done, which he expects from her prior to speaking with him.

    She continues to plead for secrecy, which rests on my good graces.

    It is a work related affair at a public school. Both are at risk of losing their jobs (she for sure) if this comes out

    They are still relegated to parking lots, in off hours, as they maintain secrecy. Dignity is gone.

    When I take away my emotion, and look at her decision process, it would have been so much easier had she come clean up front, told me she has fallen in love with someone else, get a divorce and then would proceed with the other person (ideally after he did the same). Once again, it would have still hurt and very much so, however so much drama could have been avoided. Instead, she went with the nefarious affair path, wreaked havoc on both families, and received a scholarship to infamy.

    If you are about to cross the line into affair land, stop, think about the most dignified exit strategy, which will lead you to truthful disclosure, to your existing spouse and family. Yes, it might cause you a little (lot) more pain up front, but it will be less than what you get on the back end. This is especially the case if your first spouse (that’s me) is not a chump. She blindsided me, but then played me for a fool, and in doing so reaped, terrible reward.

    A much shorter version could be: if you have to hide it, don’t do it. Move ahead with the second relationship, only after clearly ending the first.

  36. Anonymous

    My dad recently revealed that he is having an affair with a woman who happens to live in the house that we rent (she is our tenant) – he is her landlord. This is the second time he has gone to back to her. It started that he would be out late drinking at the pub, sometimes until three and four in the morning. At first he tried to blame it on me and my brother, saying that we do nothing (when we actually do quite a lot). When me and my mum asked him if he was having an affair he blatantly said NO!
    I have Aspergers, my mum has MS and his mother has dementia: My mum forced him to go to the doctors and they said that he has “Atypical Depression”, that he’s running away and trying to escape from all his and our family problems.
    When he first came back, he’d came to my mum crying his eyes out saying that he kill himself if he had to go back to her and her family – (he’s threatened suicide twice now). He has said the other woman doesn’t cook, clean, iron, lives like a scumbag and that he is embarressed to be seen out and about with her, as she dresses, in his words, cheaply (the complete opposite to my mum).
    He said the reason that he has left is that WE are NOT fun anymore and that we are boring, and that HER and HER family are actually fun and laugh at his jokes (which we have heard a thousand times, yawn).
    He says that he hates the other woman’s family, that their 14 year old son is “a complete drip” (an idiot) and “a lose cannon” that smokes, does drugs, ride a make-sift motorbike without a helmet and is out until two in the morning on a school night. He has said that the whole family are scumbags. I know for a fact some of their friends and families smoke weed and do drugs. So why go back to her and them, then?
    He says he doesn’t want a divorce from my mother (obviously doesn’t want to marry OW, then) and has still not moved any of his stuff out yet… keeps coming back and getting bits. But he is still quite happy to come back and do the house maintenance.
    Personally I think he’s had a complete midlife crisis, a nervous and mental breakdown. I can’t see the realationship lasting. It’s NOT based on a love, IMO, it’s based on infatuation and obsession (which he’s actually admitted that he’s obsessed with her and her family himself, that life is just passing him by).
    How do you think it will end?

  37. Anonymous

    My husband left and married the OW, who left her husband. After several years it still hurts. Badly. Our son wants his daddy home–and so do I!

    Marriage is UNTIL DEATH do you part. Not until you’re bored!

    Funny thing is, my husband (no such thing as an “ex” or “former” spouse) admitted that he’s falling out of love with the OW. Yet he married her anyway, how bizarre is that? His family does NOT approve of his monumentally stupid choice.

    Well…I believe he and I will reconcile, though it may take a while. But I am not sitting at home feeling sorry for myself. I’m very active in my church, and my son enjoys going.

    Bottom line is: If they’re married, they are NOT YOURS. I can tell you, if you steal someone else’s spouse, you are putting them through a world of pain…and that kind of pain I would NOT wish on my worst enemy! Not to mention you’re also hurting their children!

    My son knows that his father is living in sin…but he still loves his dad, and I encourage that.

    And no, I would NOT be stupid to take my husband back. Again, marriage is until DEATH, not divorce. And I still love my husband very much.

  38. Anonymous

    To #501. Be happy you only invested 3-1/2 yrs. or so with this idiot, and have no children. Consider yourself lucky. Divorce him, concentrate on yourself, and move on. Trust me, you may not feel it now, but 2 or 3 yrs down the line, you’ll be glad you got him out of your life.

  39. Anonymous

    I have been married for 3.5 years and this summer my husband told me he didn’t want any children and he thought we were disconnected and not compatible. I highly disagree as this man couldn’t breathe without me. I was his everything. We laughed together, we travelled, we were supportive of each other, we were two peas in a pot. Eventually we separated in October when he left the house and told me he was going to live with his grandmother for a month to think things through. He assured me that he still loved me and that he would visit me every day and hang out with me. Well….2 weeks after he left the house, I found out he was in a relationship with a girl I thought he was cheating on me with!!! His cashier!! You want to know how I found out?? Through facebook! He never had the guts to tell me face to face. I see pictures of them hugging and kissing and it kills me! I hate this *itch and I hate him even more. I am so heartbroken and destroyed. I feel lonely, confused, betrayed, angry, sad, abandoned…

    I cannot believe he did what he did. Funny thing is that afer he left the house he would call me over and over and when I didn’t answer my phone he would call non stop even more. What the hell is that??
    Now the calling stopped because I sent him lawyer’s divorce papers and I stated that he shall not contact or harass me. We still talk here and there but he seems not himself anymore. He left this marriage impulsively and he has mental issues. Not sure if he’s narcissitic, bipolar or some other personality disorder.

  40. Anonymous

    I’ve been trolling this site for the past 2 years and have finally decided to state my mind. Like many of you, I read and read and read stories on here trying to link my situation with other and I did. I like the first sentence that #499 has stated in that things change, seasons change and people change. I’ve been married for 12 years now and I’ve been seeing another married/separated man for the past 2 years. In the beginning I prayed on a dirty bathroom floor at my job, snot, tears, messy hair for 30min asking God to take me away from the temptation before my situation happened. I know we have choices and that was mine. In hindsight, I married young in my latter 20s for all the wrong reasons…appearances & financial stability, not really getting to know who he really was…meanwhile he still had baggage that I overlooked. I eventually had a daughter after a few years of marriage but instantly since she was born became the single parent. The intimacy was lacking, no connection and so forth. Here’s the kicker the man I’ve been seeing I’ve known for over 20yrs and he is one of the loves of my life- always has been. One thing that I do in life is I journal – I deeply believe in it, as you are in another time in your life, feeling a certain way in your truth at that particular time. I have several journals and decided to write in them over the course of my marriage as well as my teens and 20s…recently I looked back on them and was flabbergasted by how unhappy I was and how I longed for certain things in my marriage that were not being fulfilled mainly support with our child. I kept justifying my situation to make me feel somewhat better never truly living my authentic self. I even helped raised his 2 other children by 2 different women. I am now moving out of my home and we will have joint custody of our young daughter. In short, it’s the best thing I’ve ever done. Realistically, I LOVE ME…before anyone else and I am in a good place as far as seeking to obtain my peace and true happiness. What a lot of people don’t realize is that you cannot put your happiness in a PERSON. If you don’t take the time to get to know yourself and what you want in life, nothing will make you happy. I know God has forgiven me and I’m not ashamed of the love I have for the OM as its true no matter how we end up. We still have genuine love for one another…yes he ADDS to my happiness but he’s NOT my happiness. I know people come here to vent, release and so on, and I’m glad. It gives other people perspective and it gave me perspective…people who post here are the brave ones despite what end of the spectrum they’re on. So for ANYONE to come on here bible bashing or bashing in general seems to be obvious that they are not happy within themselves let alone someone else. All I have to say is, he who is with sin of ANY KIND go ahead…cast the first stone. Never give up on YOU and KNOW that no matter what, you are worthy of love & acceptance, right now, as is…forgive yourself, find your inner peace and live. Don’t prolong another moment.

  41. Anonymous

    Things change, seasons change, people change….what do we do? I was caught off guard to a degree finding out my ex-wife wanted a divorce, I was even more bewildered when I found out she was sleeping with and moving in with another man. Hindsight, I should have seen the signs. Me working nights, she working days, two kids in diapers, complete bedlam and little time for intimacy. It is strange how real life stress can disintegrate any bond you thought you had with a partner that should have only lasted three to six months….marriage is the furnace that tests purity of your love. When everything first unfolded I was enraged and deeply depressed at the same time. If not for me starting a relationship with a co-worker (who is married), I may have lost my shit, when the male mind feels conspired against, there can be truly dark, primal thoughts that emerge, that you never think you as a”good” person would have. The woman and I have been seeing each other for two years now, and I can say without a doubt she is the love of my life, I’m a sentimental atheist, and try to resist cliche’,but she has been the only woman to stimulate my mind, body, and yes soul to the point were I feel utterly connected and bonded to this woman. Enter the rub, we are having are last date tomorrow and going out to dinner and seeing a show, knowing that this very well could be are last night out together. Her situation has been is stasis for the entire time we have been together, and no matter what effort she makes, she could get defiled by are ever just family law system and could come out a pauper, due to fuckhead’s lack of employment, and she is proud and stubborn (I am to), and is trying to find a way to make things even when she leaves him. So I’m rambling….in the past two and a half years I have been the cuckolded and the infidel and having recent experience on both sides here is some lessons I have learned. If you’ve got cheatin on your mind, be kind, if your current partner is at least decent to you and your children, make them aware of your feelings and give them an opportunity to get on there feet, no one likes to have to hobble away from a situation. If your in a situation that you have to run, then of course this doesn’t apply.If your the one caught off guard, know it most likely wasn’t a conspiracy against you, and your partner did, most likely, love you once, but how do we stop growth, I guess we can only hope to grow together, and I do not believe that is always a choice. With all the sham, drudgery, and broken dreams the world can still be a beautiful place.

  42. Anonymous

    My husband left me 2 1/2 years ago. Said he just “didn’t see me as part if his future anymore”. He says he felt that’s way over 2 years. We had been married for 5 years when he left me. He said he wasn’t having an affair and I was inclined to believe him because I was sure he was faithful. He said he just wanted to focus on his career and not worry about a wife. Stupid me. Few weeks after out divorce was finalized, he married a woman he knew through work in a country where he travelled for work about twice a month. They now live here together and she has taken my place in his and his families life. It was like after 10 years together I just ceased to exist. Luckily I have moved on because I feel that anyone who can be that deceitful is not worthy of ever being trusted again. I am with a new man now and although I still have my moments of personal crisis when I ask myself what was so bad about me that this man who married me and claimed he would love me forever just decided I wasn’t good enough. I just have to tell myself that this man was flawed from the getgo and wasn’t capable of truly loving me. There are hard days but I love myself enough to just let it go.
    One thing that does often cross my mind though, is that the only reason I am able to live a peaceful existence is because my conscious is free from guilt. I know I did nothing wrong, never looked at another man and was 100% faithful. I know I wouldn’t be able to look at myself in the mirror otherwise.
    So what are the odds this new marriage of his will last? I know I was a great wife and he left for his own emotionally disturbed reasons. How can this second marriage not be doomed from the beginning is beyond me. I know it’s bad to wish bad upon someone but I do hope that someday karma bites him in the ass and he has a moment of clarity when he realises how selfish he was so treat me like that.

  43. Anonymous

    I am older, the female, and have been in a marriage for 19 years, for security. I felt he was and has been more like a father, but very emotional mentally abusive. I have a very dear friend who I have known since I was young and even was a foster kid in his parent’s home. Over the years we have been in and out of each other’s lives, but as even preteen I fell in love with him. He noticed me some, but not enough. I believe everything happens for a reason. Recently, I connected with him and several of us went out. Neither of us expected it, but it was magic. I am and have been in love with him all of these years. His marriage has been one of convenience. We live in different states and he never cheated. I know he feels the same. I don’t know if he ready for change even though he is abused by his wife.

  44. Anonymous

    I am married out of convenience and I have a male friend for years. Since I was young I have been head over heels, but our paths were separated. In the last five years they have crossed and in the past few months it has become more. Both of our children are grown and gone. We are middle aged and have told each other we love each other. I am in a place to leave. He could and says he wants to, but I think he is scared. His marriage is out of convenience. We agree we are both in abusive relationships. I am in total love, always have been. I want the whole package but there is nothing i can do if he is comfortable the way he living and getting the both of best worlds. This just started; it has only been a few months and we are fairly far apart geographically. Any critics I know them for years.

  45. Anonymous

    I completely agree with you, #491. In my case, it wasn’t a simple matter of a marriage just falling apart. Not only did my ex’s infidelity affect me, it affected our two grown children, and our extended families. My mom was devastated. She had loved my husband as her own son and it totally broke her heart. His mom was hurt by his actions as well. We lost our home that we worked so hard for. I asked him one time, during a phone conversation, if “she” was worth all this heartache and financial problems we now had. No reply. I have since moved on and remarried and am very happy. I honestly cannot tell you how he feels about his situation. I, too, have the same opinion of cheaters.

  46. Anonymous

    To#490: plenty of these posts are filled with “what? He was unhappy anyway” and “I know I was wrong” but…Well it’s more than that in my opinion. Some people stumble and take down everyone with them. All affairs aren’t just between 2 people. There can be a ripple effect that involve children, extended family, financial stability, housing, etc. It’s a completely selfish and just plain wrong thing to do. People who have affairs are lacking in the moral department.

    I’m glad you feel that God’s love is unchanged for you, but that won’t un-do the damage you’ve done to innocent people. You cannot justify it, even by claiming God’s forgiveness.

    You don’t need to feel sorry for me. I have made the choice to have a better life without a cheater in it. I’ve been happily re-married for about 7 yrs. now. I don’t live in fear or hate but my opinion of cheaters won’t change.

  47. Anonymous

    #487 no one is asking for sympathy. I feel sorry for you, though. I made a mistake but know that God is unchanged in his love for me, even when I stumble. There is hope for you as well. You don’t have to live in fear and hate. It’s a choice.

  48. Anonymous

    Very well said, #488. I wish I could print that up and send it to my ex. I’m glad you figured things out and are repairing relationships. I’m not sure my ex is to that point yet.

  49. Anonymous

    I left my wife and two children 8 years ago, for the girl I was having an affair with. Same reasons as everyone above, you don’t plan it, it happens. It was one of the worst decisions I ever made in my life. I have felt nothing but guilt and grief for the past few years, not really playing a big role in the upbringing of my two boys. This is what had destroyed my life the most. And the constant bickering between my ex wife and partner I had the affair with, pretty much did me in. Ending any relationship, is not easy, regardless of being married, or having kids, as I’m now on the verge of ending the relationship with the woman who I left my wife for. It’s not any easier. But, what I did learn is, that if you have children, they are your own flesh and blood and in my times of depression and ill health, I wasn’t strong enough to be there for them growing up. This time I can never have back.If your marriage is in crisis, or you are having an affair, I totally understand it, but take some time to think about your kids and make sure there emotional well being is also taken into consideration. They don’t have a choice, as adults we do.And, yes a relationship that began in deceit, can really never have the trust needed. It’s always at the back of your mind. Then the resentment you had for your marriage, you were so unhappy with, gets transfered over to the partner you had the very affair that ended it, ruining that. We are all just trying to find our way in life, there is no hand book tailored specially for you, so you make the decision that is right at the time. Hindsight, is one of the most horrible words in the English language, because there is no time machine to go back, and correct where things went wrong, that you know so many years later. Since I am repairing the relationship with my kids, the last 18 months, my health is so much better, I’m happier. This is what I needed all along, not anti depressants or pain killers . Supposed true loves, will come and go, as realistically the hole is in us, unless it’s repaired, you will never be happy or satisfied and always looking for that real love of your life.

  50. Anonymous

    To 379 & all the other cheaters – are you really expecting sympathy? I don’t for one minute feel sorry for you at all. You brought it on yourselves knowing full well what you were doing. DESTRUCTION is what all of you leave in your wake. Not just for the wife,but kids,families, ….You destroy trust, family structure, the list is endless. Go cry to someone who gives a damn. You have done enough damage already. And yes I am calling you a cheater and a home wrecker as well as the louse you cheated with. You reap what you sow and this is just the tip of the iceberg. Just wait….

  51. Anonymous

    I am a recent widow of 2.5 years. I was married for 34 years to a terrific man and had a beautiful daughter. Before meeting my husband I was in a loving relationship with a wonderful loving young man, but unfortunately we drifted apart when I went to college and he took a job with another company out of state. This young man and I have always been in love with one another and had some contact early on in my marriage as friends, but clearly we still cared for each other. Time passed till 35 years later and out of the blue this young man from so many years ago contacts me to see how I was. Oddly it was on the two year anniversary of my husbands death. We spoke on the phone and honestly felt as though it was that young couple in love from so many years ago. We met for lunch to catch up and he told me he was married. My heart sank as I knew this was not something I wanted to be involved in. The connection was so electric and I was so vulnerable still that just having someone to talk to and share my sadness with was incredibly satisfying. We met again for another lunch and it began. The physical attraction that is. Now I know this was wrong, but there I was kissing a married man. He revealed to me that he has never stopped loving me for 35 years. My heart skipped a beat. I felt the same way he did. Did I mention he has two grown daughters? 28 and 21 years of age. He said he loved his wife but has never been “in love” with her. True? But his actions began to show me that he really was thinking of me for so many years. We are 5 months into a serious love affair now, and both of us know that we don’t want to hurt all the people in his family. As a woman I would never want this to happen to me. But there is no doubt…we are so in love with each other that its heart wrenching. He isn’t in a position to leave and I don’t want him to do anything he is not willing or ready to do. On the other hand he and his wife have been in a sexless marriage for 8 years now. He’s 64 and I’m 61 years old. Yet we feel like 20. Also 4 years ago he was in a seriously bad situation as he was stricken with cancer. He survived and vowed to reconnect with me if he ever survived. So finally…after so many years we have found joy…in our ripe old age. Selfish?…yes. But just want you all to know that this story is something out of a movie or novel. However…its also tormenting because how can something that feels so incredibly right be so wrong? I know some of you will say I’m kidding myself, and maybe I am. But this blog made me realize I am not alone. Thanks for listening.

  52. Anonymous

    479, sounds like you need to get out of that marriage, regardless of the other person. But please, do the right thing, end one relationship before starting another. There is no justifying cheating. It also sounds like you could use some quality time for yourself and your kids if you are in a position to do so. Do you have family that you can go to?

  53. Anonymous

    Thank you 483. It isn’t easy, and I have found out who my friends are. It turns out I have none. lol. Her family is starting to at least ask her questions, and communicate a little. I feel better for that. Since they know that I have been speaking to her, I think they are doing a ‘well if she is talking to her, then we should too’ It’s a guess. I wanted this to be as easy on her kids as possible. ( I have never met them) I know I wouldn’t be doing her kids any favors by acting like a lunatic. (my original plan) They are innocent in this and don’t need the stress. As to your question why do fools fall in love? Because they are just that, fools. I was any way. And 483, if you are in the midst of your own nightmare, be strong, take each day one a at a time.

  54. Anonymous

    482 you did the right thing. I wouldn’t dare be able to face the ow. It shows strength. The past 3 days I have read every comment and learned a lot. Why do fools fall in love?

  55. Anonymous

    I found out my husband of 2 1/2 years, together 7, has met , fallen in love and has been cheating on me for a few months. He has a new job that takes him away from our home and was only around on weekends. I felt something wasn’t right and did the very bad thing of invading his privacy and looked at his email. That is where I found pictures of her. I confronted him, and his story changed a few times even in the course of the evening from he wasn’t happy, to, I should never have married you. I felt like I was stabbed. When I asked why did he string me along and make me think we had a life together, when we clearly did not, he replied that it was complicated. (Which I assumed meant they were biding their time until they could be together?) She is married too with three children. We do not have any together. It would seem they are very much in love and could tell each other everything including how unhappy they were in their marriages. I wish someone would have told me. He never even gave me a chance. Any way, to make a long story short we wondered if we could be friends since we agreed that it had once been pretty solid. He committed to helping me pack and clean the house and ready it for sale, but one weekend he said he had to leave early because her family had turned on her and he didn’t want her to be alone. I asked what about me? I have been doing this alone. At the same time I was pretty much yelling at him, I couldn’t bear the thought of her being alone either. I know how terrible sometimes family can be and just felt genuinely bad for her. I told him that I wanted to invite her here to my home and help me clean and pack. (it’s the least she could do, right?) Took me a while to convince him, took even longer to convince her. She finally made it there and was greeted by me at the door with a big hug. (she is very nice by the way) I had a very looong talk with the two of them. I told them not to confuse this with me forgiving them, I have not. But no sense in making a person stay where they don’t want to be. There is much more, but the end result was I gave them both my love and support and wished them happiness. I gave her my phone number and said she could call or text if she needed to. For those who are thinking I am just desperate and hanging on, let me assure you, I am far from it. I have let him go already, and it has been the hardest thing I have ever done. I am devastated and heart broken that he didn’t even have enough respect for me to tell me the truth. I am trying to pick up the pieces and move on. Sadly for me, what friends and some of his family members who had originally opened up their hearts to me have closed the doors and have stopped speaking to me. I suspect because of how I chose to deal with this. You must understand, I went into a very dark place, and I wasn’t strong enough to be there. This was a much clearer path for my healing to begin, despite the difficulties. Can anyone offer any advice on my what seems to be huge loss of everyone around me? Am I crazy?

  56. Anonymous

    I really appreciate some of the heart felt, open posts on this forum. You remind me of what it means to be human. The religious dogma has its place- on a forum for fanatics. If a person, such as a scientist, does not believe in a make believe jugge in the sky, these moral brow beating posts fall on deaf ears. Marriage is also a social construct that defies who we really are as free spiritual and physical beings with real human emotions and desires. Beating a Bible from some sort of moral pulpit is not any sort of response. It’s a judgement, and that in itself is wrong- if we are defining right from wrong in such moralistic terms.

  57. Anonymous

    I just broke up with my fiancee a couple weeks ago. I am devastated!! We were together for 2 1/2 yrs. I am a lot older than him. I am 38 and he is 30. When we fist got together we hit it off right away. I thought fate brought us together because I moved out of state to be with someone else. The relationship only lasted a year and I was back out in the dating pool a few months later. I met my fiancee on a dating site. We had a fairytale relationship for the first 20 months. We were inseperable. We used to say we were melded together because we couldn’t get enough of one another. There was nothing I could do wrong in his eyes. I couldn’t get off the couch without giving him a kiss and we would share a kiss at every street light when driving together. My annoying quirks he would find cute and silly. I breathed him in everytime he was near me. We moved in together after the first year and decided to share a joint bank account. We started to argue about finance but it wasn’t that big of a deal and that was the only thing we would disagree about for the most part. He prosed to me on My birthday in May 2014. I cried all day. I was the happiest woman on earth. After he put that ring on my finger we started having issues in our relationship. We were fighting about little things more and more. We were losing the communication. I thought maybe we were spending too much time with each other and at this stage in our relationship (almost 2 years) that we needed to have an outside life so I took up a hobby. I started playing poker. He got jealous and would tell me that I was spending too much time with poker and neglecting him. I started playing less but he would still find an excuse to not like me going to play poker. I felt like I could do no right in his eyes now. It was stressful to keep him happy but to also keep myself happy at the same time. I let myself go and focused on him. At this point I started drinking more and gained some weight, stopped doing my makeup and hair. I had a breakdown and wound up in a mental hospital for a week. He was there for me when I came out but blamed our problems on me since I wound up in the hospital it must be my fault. We were breaking up every other week after this. The breakups never lasted more than a day because no matter what we were still bestfriends and he was the only family I had here in this state and I was his as well. In December we almost ended it for good and I went to NJ to visit my family and he went to Florida to visit his family. During that time apart we realized what we had was worth fighting for and we decided to lay out all our problems and address each one with a solution. We decided this was out last chance and we had to put all our effort into making this work. Since January until the end of March things were going good. We were communicating much better, the affection towards each other was back and we were showing more respect for each other (he even told me he was happy that things were getting back on track for us and that he loved me so much and couldn’t imagine life without me in it during this time). About 6 weeks ago he started going out with the guys from work for a couple beers (at least this is what he told me, I found out that he was actually going out to clubs). After about a month I asked if I could meet his new friends. I suggested that us and their girlfriends go out for dinner. He kina blew me off with a response of “yeah, eventually.” 2 Weeks ago he comes home from going out with the guys and when he came into bed I put my arm around him and he rolled the other way from me and let out a huge “sigh.” I asked him what was wrong cause I could sense something was bothering him. He said he had a lot on his mind but for me to not worry about it and to go back to bed. The next morning he got up earlier than I did. I knew something was wrong. I followed him downstairs where I told him I knew something was bothering him. He told me that he had been thinking a lot the last couple weeks and he didn’t know if he could see me a part of his future. He said he was still in love with me but didn’t know if he could let go and get passed the problems we had towards the end of 2014. That didn’t make sense to me because I know him better than that and he was using that as an excuse so I asked him if he had met anyone else that had caught his interest. He swore up and down that there was no one else influencing his thoughts. I said do you want to break up with me. He said I don’t know, I am just so confused right now. I said this isn’t making sense to me Ryan I need you to be honest with me because the last few days he has been a little distant and not as affectionate. thats when he said that he didn’t want to break up and that everyday stresses were getting to him and he apologized for being so distant and less affectionate and said to just give him a couple days to clear his head. I said as long as we are ok I will stand beside you and support you with anything you need. 2 days later he dropped the bomb on me and said he wanted to break up. That night he didn’t come home. When he did come home I confronted him and asked him again if there was anyone else and again he said there wasn’t. The next night he didn’t come home again and everyday after he was spending his nights outside of our home (that was for about a week). When I did see him I would ask over and over again did he leave me for someone else. I had a gut feeling he was lying and there was someone else but he was adamant on keeping me in his life that he continued to lie to me. He wanted to remain friends and still even hang out on occasions and told me he was still in love with me even after we broke up and that he couldn’t live without me in his life. He left his work phone at home 1 night and I saw he had a missed call from a girl. I looked her up on facebook. I saw that her and my ex were friends and he had liked all her pretty pictures. My heart fell out of my chest. She was beautiful. He found someone better than me. I wanted to know the truth so I had messaged her and explained who and why I was messaging her. I told her that I wasn’t here to cause problems I just wanted to know the truth. I found out they have been seeing each other for a month (now I just realized he was also cheating on me) and feelings were now involved. I was crushed. It brought back a memory of his ex before me who messaged me 2 months into our relationship to warn me that he was a lying, cheating piece of crap. I should have listened. I told the new girl everything. I told her this must be a pattern for him since apparantly he did this to the girl before me. I sent her messages as proof. I at least put the doubt in her mind for the rest of their relationship even if she chooses to stay. I still live with my ex until I move out on May 1st. We haven’t spoken since I found out that he cheated, lied and left me for another. I wake up everyday hoping that this was all just a nightmare. I never thought he out of anyone I love would ever do this to me. I can’t believe this whole time he was capable of being the biggest ahole on the planet. Who did I fall in love with? Who is this guy? I don’t know him at all!! I feel so worthless, ugly and not good enough for him. Now I have to pick up the pieces and move on. I hate the fact that he is so happy while I am suffering the worst pain I think I ever felt in my life. I just want to know if you think his newfound happiness could last or is it only a matter of time before it falls apart because it isn’t real.

  58. Anonymous

    Been married 21 yrs, married for wrong reason to begin with, he cheated MANY times!!!! I stayed, kids!! I thought it was best. LOTS of mental abuse through the years, rather volatile. Had Pulmonary Embolism and almost died, was told just out of ICU that he had also hired hookers yrs earlier??????? Kids are 19,12 and 10 now. I have multiple sclerosis, I’ve had it for 27 yrs. I’ve met a man I like. Should I take the risk or stay with hubby now???? MS, complicates my decision ADVICE PLEASE

  59. Anonymous

    I too was brought up in a home with a father that cheated.With men no less.My mother was cold and selfish.Their marriage was a sham.I was taught by both that marriage was important and binding.What a joke!!Yet I hoped and dreamed of a lasting loving relationship.My husband is an outstanding member of the community,a religious person above reproach.I had an emotional affair with i married man.Why?Because after many years of running after him ,doing everything for the family even taking abuse from his family(I never asked him to sacrifice his relationship with his parents because it was none of my business) he would often fly into abusive rages.Never physically abusing me,but calling me the worst filth.I tolerated it,though I begged him to seek counselling with me.At a certain point you turn off.You try to justify the actions of the passive aggressive.Then one day someone very special appears.he has the same situation.The two families know one another.My husband and his wife hog the conversations,they know it all,are very self-righteous.Slowly we fall in love.Irony is that noting happens because we respect our “marriages.” His children are older.They confide in me that their parents marriage is shot to hell for donkeys years.One even says they should be divorced.I fight with my husband.My son says,”Mommy,he doesn’t care how you feel,he yells walks away from you,curses you ,you try to communicate ,he just wants to blow off steam.This man and I begin an emotional affair.To those who say”,get a divorce then find someone,”you are types that don’t need emotional and physical intimacy.Status and what other think are important to you.Nothing wrong with that.IWe couldn’t just “find,” someone.We unfortunately found one another at the “wrong time.Long story short,his wife found a text from me.Well all hell broke loose.At least after 10 years of no attention and emption he finally got some.I told my husband I loved him.My husband admitted that the marriage had been falling apart BEFORE I met him.My husband said”write me a list of things I need to do so you can love me again.”Oh great now that he stands to lose he’s ready to “work,” on our marriage?Joke he’s just to lazy,I HAVE TO WRITE THE LIST?My love has to BEHAVE?Both our spouses are the same cold abusive people,it’s just hat now they have an EXCUSE!!.Why don’t I believe either of our spouses?Simple, for economic reasons,and in the case of my love his wife said”I’m going to tell everyone the man you are!!” I told him she does that you lay your cards on the table!!We both don’t want to hurt our families.We are condemned.Though everyone knows the marriages are lousy, you have to have strength to face divorce.After years of sadness,you can lack the physical and mental strength.So we are biding our time.With respect.We are “friends,”We want to survive.So all you critics out there don’t act like there are aren’t millions of different situations,through our sacrifice we know that we can and do love.I’m praying we’ll have a chance to be together.BTW our spouses are both VERY CRITICAL ALL THE TIME.Funny they choose people who tried to adapt and are adapting yet.You don’t look for love ,it comes to you.

  60. Anonymous

    To All,
    I looked up “Can an emotional affair turn into real love and succeed?” and I came across this forum. My heart goes out to everyone here. I looked for something like this, advice, support, answers when I was going through a very emotional affair not too long ago. I was with my high school sweet heart for 15 years, half of my life, and married to him for 10 of the years. We got married young which in hind sight, was probably a factor in our growing apart. I met my emmotional affair partner 6 years ago while back-packing through Europe. We kept in touch sporadically but it did not turn into an affair until I saw him again 3 years ago when passing through Europe again. After returning to my home country we continued to text each other sporadically over a period of 2 and a half years but it was a full fledged emotional affair, sharing things that you would with your husband/wife. We fell irrevecoabely in love with each other or certainly the idea of each other as we’d only been physically in the same room a total of 4 times yet we felt a deep, deep conncetion to one another. My marriage suffered. All I could think about was the other person and how he made me feel, invincible really. I was on cloud 9 and he wasn’t even physically in my life, we only ever hugged and that was upon meeting and parting only. It was a meeting and connection of the minds which can be a powerful thing, moreso than a physical one I think. I tried to concentrate on what it was that made me fall in love with my husband in the first place and my marriage vows etc. But it was no use, everything seemed to pale in comparison to the affair partner, I even held more respect for him as a person since we shared the same view on life and morals etc. I decided to take myself out of the marraige so I would stop hurting my husband since I couldn’t be honest with him about the other person. He sensed something was wrong and hacked my e-mail and found some of our emails to one another. He confronted me and I confessed everything. I was ready to lay it all out on the table and be honest about everything but my husband didn’t want to hear anything about it, who, why or any deatils. He just wanted to put it behind us as a minor blip on the radar. This didn’t make it easier on me at all. If anything it made it worse. I felt dismissed in every way. It only made my emotional affiar stronger and my marriage became more and more of a mistake. But I ended the emotional affair, told my affair partner that he would not be hearing from me agian that was over a year ago and it was an excrutiatinly long and lonely year for me. My affair partner was very understanding, he never contacted me unless I saught him out. 6 months ago I finally had the resolve to leave my husgand. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do in my entire life, to make that decions. But once I did, it seemed the universe was preparing me for it all. Not a day had ever gone by that I didn’t miss or think about my affair partner. I contacted him and he was still waiting for me, always believed we would end up together some how. I moved half way around the world to be with my him and to try to have a real relationship with him. It has been 4 months and I have never been more happy in my entire life. I am still technically married but separted and on a way to the inevitable divorce. My husband does not know I am here, we are staying out of each other’s lives and will have a non-contested divorce (that is both agreed to divorce) but I know there will come a day that I will have to be honest about my current relationship and that it was a factor in our break up. I just don’t know how or when or how.. and worst of all I can’t 100% say he could let this bit of information affect the divorce or god forbid, delay it in spite of my actions. I suppose there is nothing I can do about that. I have made my bed and must lay in it, but any words of wisdon or advice would be helpful from those who have empathy for what I am going through. I believe everything in life happens for a reason but I do regret holding on to my marriage for so long, both of us so unhappy and not beign able to fix it because I didn’t have the courage to be honest. So I urge everyone to have courage and live your truth, whatever that may be as everyones truth is different. Thank You for sharing your stories and letting me share my own.

  61. Anonymous

    Gracias por explicar las cosas tan correctamente y tan claras.

    (Thank you for explaining everything so accurately and clearly.)

  62. Anonymous

    You said this:
    “First, for all of you involved with a married person, whats wrong with you? Why would you want some one who clearly does not respect commitment? I mean seriously, why would you even entertain the idea of some one who is capable of showing complete and total disrespect of their spouse, kids, family and vows that were made before them and God. My heart hurts for you, I can not imagine! I would never want some one who I know is capable of that.”
    But you took your husband back after he cheated on you, he IS THIS in a nutshell, so this is a hypocritical statement.

  63. Anonymous

    Thanks #469.

    I totally agree about the emotional pain. Still trying to put myself back together.

    I’ve thrown myself into a new job, reawakening my Faith and avoid him altogether.

    He is with the OW and they seem to be showing everyone on facebook how happy they are. They could care less who is hurt by their disgusting relationship. Flaunting it and rubbing it in my face.

    i dont think your ex is happy. I also believe he thought you were going to just cry forever over him. Make sure when you see him, you are gushing with newlywed happiness. Best revenge.

    Good luck and thanks!

  64. Anonymous

    Hi, 472:

    I am so sorry you are also going through the same thing. I’ve never felt such pain in my life as going through finding out my husband had been deceiving me. I think you are probably right – I think my ex thinks by keeping her away from everyone, no one will find out what he had done. She must be o.k. with the arrangement. Karma has already come back around. My ex doesn’t know I’ve heard all the details but she apparently fell off a bar stool and so far, has had 8 reconstructive surgeries on her face. I honestly don’t wish ill on them, but do believe in what goes around, comes around. I found it interesting that when my former father-in-law died a year ago, I took my now husband with me (we weren’t even engaged yet), but the OW did not attend with my ex. That was the time to support him. So strange. He makes little hints that he is not 100% happy with his situation but refuses to discuss her and is so complacent, I’ve said all along it will be her leaving him. It will be interesting to see where they are 10 years from now.

    I wish you the best of luck, #472. This is a pain I would truly not wish on my worst enemy. Have faith, you will get through. And I’m always here if you want to talk.


  65. Anonymous

    Hi again 469.

    Our stories are kinda similar. My ex is with his OW and and she left her second husband for my husband.

    IMO, your ex and OW might be ashamed to face people folks so they are keeping a low profile.

    What a wonderful story this is! You found true love and the cheaters are hiding under a rock. Lol.

    You also get to enjoy real honest and pure happiness that is blessed not tainted or dirty like the two cheats.

    And the story isn’t even finished. Wait til karma pays a visit.

  66. Anonymous

    #470, I felt the same way. Because I thought we had a strong marriage, I immediately blamed myself, that I must have done something wrong. I realized later there were some things I could have done differently (I think complacency falls into place in many marriages and I wish I hadn’t let things get there. We both were complacent, really). You and I are the same age, I actually just turned 51. I thought for sure love was well behind me (I’m average looking, at best, and could stand to lose more than a few pounds). After crying for 9 months, I finally snapped out of it one day. Why should he be having all the fun while I’m sitting at home sulking and feeling sorry for myself? I started reconnecting with old h.s. friends and getting out and living again. Friends suggested I try some dating sites (even my daughter). I met some interesting people (stories for another time 🙂 ) I was having fun but just wasn’t clicking with anyone in particular.

    A mutual friend introduced me to my now husband 18 months ago. I was reluctant to go out with him because he had a then 10 yr. old daughter (my two are grown). I’m glad I took a chance because he is wonderful and his daughter is the best thing to happen to me in a long time. My ex and I were apart for about 3.5 yrs. and I finally pushed for the divorce, which was granted last fall. My new husband and I were married New Year’s Eve on the beach in FL.

    My ex is still with the OW, but she is still married to husband #2, and the two of them never go out in public together. None of his family, nor our kids, have met her. My former father-in-law died a year ago and he came to the funeral alone. What a strange relationship they have. I’d honestly love for someone on here in a similar situation to explain to me why they behave like that.

    He has told our daughter he is happy for me. She senses he’s a little bit jealous of my relationship. Perhaps he thought if he didn’t love me, no one else would, I don’t know. He still texts or emails me every couple weeks ago, sometimes to discuss our son, other times just to check up and see if I’m keeping warm during this brutally cold winter. Seems like a lame excuse to just keep tabs on me, I don’t know.

    #470, just get out and do the stuff you like to do. Let friends know you are available, and things have a way of falling into place. And don’t forget karma. What goes around comes around. Your ex will get his due someday.


  67. Anonymous

    Thanks 469.

    Sometimes it seems that if one man doesn’t want or love you that no one ever will. Your life is living proof that there is hope for us all to find love again.

    At my age if 50 I’ve pretty much given up. Only divorced one year. Hope to be lucky like you!!!

    What has happened to your ex? Is he happy for you?

  68. Anonymous

    Thank you, #468! We’ve all been through so much (those of us that have been cheated on) and I just want to let everyone know, there is a light at the other end of the tunnel. I’m not saying we need another person in our life to make ourselves whole again, and frankly, at my age, I wasn’t expecting to meet anyone else. My new husband’s wife passed away 5 yrs. ago and he wasn’t looking for anyone either. Apparently, a mutual friend had different ideas. 😀 I just really want to let others know that things can and will get better. You just have to have faith. Surround yourself with people that love you, get out and do things, and don’t be shy about getting therapy.

  69. Anonymous


    Finally a happy ending for a betrayed spouse.

    There is hope for all if us who have been hurt by cheats and their mistresses.

    Enjoy your newfound happiness! Well deserved.

  70. Anonymous

    You are right, #466. My ex had been my high school sweetheart and we were married over 25 yrs. He said all sorts of things to me when I found out about the affair, mainly “I’m not sure I’ve ever loved you,” things along those lines. I didn’t believe it and knew he was just trying to deflect the situation off of himself. Good friends and family didn’t believe it either, they had seen us together and thought we had as strong of a marriage as I thought we had. I think he was having a mid-life crisis from hell. I so wanted the marriage to work but after getting mixed signals for a year and back and forth on if he wanted to reconcile or not, I moved on and have since remarried and am really happy now.

  71. Anonymous

    The last two comments are so true. The wives are always crazy they are the victims and it’s usually just the other way around. They just try justifying why they are liars and cheaters and cowards. Heartless really

  72. Anonymous

    You are right, 464. I’ve often wondered what my ex told his mistress. She is still married, too, and of course had her own sob story. They deserve each other.

  73. Anonymous

    Cheating men always have a “crazy” wife. And the mistress always wants to “save” him from her.

    Such an old story!

  74. Anonymous

    Here’s my question, some affairs are long term… some affairs only last a month until the husband leaves. i am currently dating a almost divorced man, 2weeks after meeting me he wanted to file for divorce, I asked him not too, told him to be very sure he wanted to divorce for the right reasons, not for another woman. For a month we had an emotional affair(long distance), we spent a few days together seriously discussing the decision to be made. When he returned to his home he asked for a divorce and moved out. The divorce is still in process and our relationship is still long distance, seeing each other a few days a month. His almost ex wife has since then found out about me, and blames the whole divorce on me, claiming the marriage was “perfect”. She has also tried everything to seperate us and isolate him from his family and friends. She has accused him of having multiple affairs and told numerous lies about us. My boyfriend and I have met each others families and get along with them extremely well. After spending time with his parents it has come to light that his ex had no relationship with them and refused to spend time with them, to say the least they are grateful for the divorce. I’m just wondering, if a marries man files for a divorce so soon after meeting someone else.. just an interesting scenario. the more I get to know about the ex, the more I realize he was in a disfunctional marriage.

  75. Anonymous

    I know relationships started in affairs don’t work, maybe you will get to be that magic 3%, but don’t count on it. How could a union that thrives on trust and commitment work when it started with lies and major deceit? When the shiny glossiness wears off, and you have to start getting real with the real you, not the fantasy you with the perfect hair, makeup, never sick,m always happy and upbeat, never stressed out, can it be over looked. How long before you slip back into old habits from your failed marriage, and stop calling as often, stop leaving love notes, stop putting the seat down/up?

    The reason your marriage failed is because you picked the wrong person to marry. Instead lets jump into fantasy and dream up the perfect guy or gal, you think you have found the perfect person, but its all fake, not even close to being real. Affairs by nature have to be based on lies, and fluffed up pillow talk. I get your marriage is bad, and they have to pay for all the pain they caused you, the hurt and years of resentment that has built up. While you are punishing your spouse, and lavishing all this attention on and outsider, it must feel wonderful to release all that pent up desire, love, lust, and with that rockin’ new sex life to boot. Which is why affairs rarely work out. Everything was a lie, it was false. You called your affair partner often, had phone sex, sent sexy pics, racy email that rival any romance story ever told. Yet, you never did that for your spouse, and after 10, 15, 20, 25 years never will, they don’t deserve it, haven’t earned it, have done something horrible and unforgivable. You both are putting up this falseness and faking your true feelings about having an affair.

    Both of you are building the other person up in your mind, and comparing them to your spouse, secretly, when its quiet and dark. Both of you are doing things you won’t dare do for your ungrateful spouses since they have done nothing but disappoint and let you down for years, why you have cut off friends, and family for less, yet you see fit to let them be in you grace, and that is its own reward, right. I mean I get it, coming up on 25 years together, the same person, add in kids, bills, house, bills, car, bills, job, or jobs, bills, hobbies, social obligations, holiday craziness, the distance grows right before your eyes, and yet you never noticed, it builds slowly one day at a time, and the transition is seamless and comfortable. Before you know it, there is a stranger sitting across from you at the dinner table, driving with you in the car, and sharing your bed, and having a say so on raising you children. Of course cheating looks like a good plan. You never have to fully commit.

    You never have to fully quit the marriage either. So you just go through the motions of day to day life, and invite another sad soul on this loveless boring journey with you, a partner in crime if you will. Someone who knows how horrible it is to be in your marriage, and the very inside very unspoken bond you two share is worth more than your bond with your spouse. Get back is the name of the game once you decide to get in bed with another person. You need to release all the hurt and anger and pain to go in living another day, but, it does not make you feel better. In fact 1000 times worse. Now you are a cheater. Sure they deserve some pain and you deserve a little pleasure, this is a double edged sword. You will only feel even more hurt and angry than before. How could your spouse go through life not knowing you are cheating, sharing things from deep down that you have never told anyone before. Having amazing sex and coming home all glow-y, taking a different tone with them in conversation, taking them for granted, not noticing the total change and transformation you have undergone. Now comes the get back and the one upping in the affair, the different sex acts, suddenly you are the blow job queen, or the king of sensual love making. Now what happens is all the ugliness from you dying and dead marriage bubbles up, and you have top bump it up a notch. Better sex, better communication, better connection, just above and beyond what you gave to your spouse at any point in the marriage. This is why affair relationships don’t work out.

    You can’t have a real relationship with this person, because it was fake. You just wanted to twist the knife in your spouses back and side, and through the heart. If you truly fell out of love, and hold no ill will towards your spouse, and you can’t even hate them, then you have moved into indifference and you should just be honest and leave. I don’t believe you get into affairs because you are indifferent towards you spouse, you get into affairs because you love/hate you spouse. They must pay for every major and minor bad, or mean thing, like that time they forgot your birthday, to last week they didn’t put the tissue on the roll. All the resentment you hold will be the only reason for your affair. Until you let it go, work on, or drop it and leave you current relationship, your next one which overlaps the current isn’t going to be great. I will not call a relationship “success” just because the couple didn’t divorce. Didn’t you have that same successful relationship with your spouse, after all you didn’t divorce, you cheated. You are still comparing the new relationship to your marriage, together equals happy and in it for the long run.

    You know its not the same thing. Happy people share all of them selves, they have 100% trust in their partner, they would never hide a secret relationship, they would be up front about issues, not bury their head in the sand. Both people in the relationship share openly and honestly. Therefore a relationship built on lies and standing on the shoulders of the current, the previous life mate. Always end one relationship before you start a new one. If you are too cowardly to end it, then work to make it better. You have to open your mouth and say what you want and need and what you will no longer accept in you marriage, and give a year or two for marriage council and read books, get back to the basics of who you were before the marriage, work on communication. Be adult, if its not working say honey this marriage isn’t working for ma any more, chances you are not the only one unhappy.

    Sometimes when communication breaks down, a person shuts down, and it makes it hard to have a real honest conversation, and sometimes a spouse who shut down needs a little kick in the butt to get their brain working again. Bring up reading marriage books and couciling, open up dialog in a safe non judgmental way, is a good start. Of course maybe you don’t want to, so you take the road that seems easy now, but you will pay in the long run, you could just set up your safety net and walk out the door. You don’t need them to agree to divorce you, after all if you are in an affair, I’m guessing you didn’t run it up the flag pole and get them to sign off on it. So what makes leaving so different.

  76. Anonymous

    My husband went to work abroad last January, to make a better life for his family. 8 weeks into his time there, he went to bars to ‘have sex with other women’ some time after that he met a woman 10 years younger and began an affair. In July he came home to see his family and I discovered text messages between them, I confronted him and he admitted to her only. We attended marriage counselling while he was home and he said he felt ‘alone and lonely’ in our relationship, he felt I didn’t love him. I do admit our sex life wasn’t great but I did love him and he never told me how he felt. I did say in counseliing I recognised some pitfalls in our relationship while he was away and had intended on working on them while he was home but I never got the chance, he didn’t tell me how he felt or give me a chance. He went back promising we would be ok, he would end his relationship with her and we would all move to him after xmas (we have two small children under 12yrs).
    When he went back, I couldn’t keep the secret, long story short, I contacted her (I took her details from his phone), she rang me and told me she was not the only one (something he had not admitted or told the marriage counsellor). Basically our marriage ended.
    He didn’t come home for Christmas, he spent it with her and her family. His brother got married at Christmas and he missed that, along with being with his chldren. I do not know where he lives as we only have a P.O box address for him but I am assuming they are living together.
    The hurt, resentment and rejection I feel as the spouse left with two small children is overwhelming. The thought that she might be accepted into his family and by my children is just awful. He seems so happy with her and it kills me, having an affair is so wrong no matter what the circumstances. End one relationship before beginning another.

  77. Anonymous

    Please, do not betray your spouse. You can’t help developing feelings for someone, but you can control your actions. If you are confused, tell your spouse. Take some time off the relationship or marriage. Take at least 2 months on your own to think things through. Figure out why you started looking for something outside your relationship. Consider whether you would break up with your partner had your crush never existed. If you decide to go back and ask for a second chance, do it when you’re truly ready. Truly conscious of your choice and ready to work on what you now know had been missing in your relationship. It’s risky, I know. You may forever lose your spouse. But at least this way, you never did break the trust. Your spouse will know that you never did disrespect them. That you had been true to them even through this hard time. That you chose to face your problems and confusion instead of running away from them by betraying, lying and humiliating your spouse and their love and respect for you. Cheating is never justified. There’s always the respectful, honest and honorable way to face any crisis. Please never disrespect someone who loves and respects you. Please do not betray.

  78. Anonymous

    I posted #450 and it’s been nearly 6 months since I’ve found out about the affair. I’ve been in counseling now twice a week for myself because I know my issues contributed to the breakdown of the marriage. In hindsight, I still had not clue about the breakdown of the marriage. My spouse is self-employed and lost several full-time jobs with plenty of time to hangout on the internet and contact his old girlfriend from college while I was at work.
    What will happen to us I have no clue, I can only focus on myself and my healing of the hurt and pain he caused. He has given me two letters which basically he’s been unhappy for 10 years. We’ve been married for 14 and together for 18 years. What hurts the most is he is certain this other person will make him happy. I cannot stop him from leaving but can fight for my own dignity and self-respect. I don’t take marriage lightly, in fact, I swore I would never marry for this very reason.
    Anyone who is unhappy in a marriage should look inside their soul and understand their unhappiness to see if it’s your spouse or you that is making you unhappy. Your spouse is not the cause of your personal happiness, only you can make yourself happy. Not another person who is a fantasy and a diversion for your unhappiness.

  79. Anonymous

    @ #456, Hi, I think the point is that marriage represents something important — true committment — and spouses owe the marriage something, even if it means sacrificing a chance to enjoy happiness with a more compatible partner.

  80. Anonymous

    My husband (who just turned 60) began an affair in 2010, 5 years after we were married with a co-worker who was more than 20 years younger than he. She was also married with two small children. He truly wanted both of us!! He loved his family life and home and he loved the high he got from a younger woman who “wanted” him. After he was caught he promised it was over. It wasn’t. He just got sneakier and the lies and deception just became deeper. I finally filed for divorce. Then I discovered he had been poisoning me. Between the two of us we had considerable wealth and I guess he wanted it all. I think he believed it would be easier to be a grieving widow than go through a divorce. The divorce took one long, miserable year and was final this past August. And now … he suffers extreme depression and is on meds to stabilize his emotional mental health and is seeing a mental health doc. On top of that, his mistress, who also got a divorce from her husband, doesn’t want him anymore and wants them both to move on. I consider myself the lucky one. Even after all the pain and heartache he heaped on me …. I’m alive and well and moving forward. I feel very, very sad for him. There are no blessings to be found in adulterous affairs … for anyone. And if you think otherwise then you are simply deluding yourself. A relationship built on lies and deceit has no foundation to build it. Adulterers are simply weak, selfish, narcissistic people who think of their own happiness first. Guess that might be why their marriages aren’t working for them.

  81. Anonymous

    I have read the majority of these posts and realise that the person you marry in your 20’s, may simply not be the person you want to live with in you 50’s. As we get older we settle into a groove, amplified by age, only to learn we have nothing at all in common with our spouse. I married my husband because I fell pregnant with his child and we had a meeting of minds and shared values – at, that, time. Fundamentally, however, we were really very different. I met a chap on a train station platform 5 months ago, and having not seen the benefit of an affair at all (after all, why see someone you cant see??), I find I’m floored. Arrested. Challenged. You see he is everything I ever imagined a perfect partner could be, and no not great looking, nor a rich man, but just perfect – for me. So for all those that talk of adultery, of working it through with your partner, of the hurt you will cause others I ask you – is it better to live a lie? To sacrifice yourself for the benefit of others? And in doing so, do you feel those people your sacrificed yourself for will be the better for it?? Living a lie is, well living a lie.

  82. Anonymous

    Ok after reading so much about extramarital affairs. This is my side of the story. Ive been married for the past 5yrs and have an adorable 4yr old boy. But I was never content in my marriage from the beginning because I had an intimate love affair which lasted for 10 yrs. But we never married in the end because his parents didnt agree inspite of our several attempts to even elpoe. It didnt work between us. He got married before me and has twins. I married a year after him because i was heart broken and depressed. Only out of compulsion from my single parent I had to marry. But I found it very difficult to be satisfied and contented in marriage. Though i have always been loving and caring inspite of my spouse not showing the amount of love i expected. He didnt know how to express his love or i wonder whether even if he loves me. He is of a strong notion that wives are for taking of their homes and kids and doing all the household chores. Whereas I was an independent woman before marriage and had to give up my job because of my marriage. Ok let me get to the point. My ex suddenly appeared infront of me after 6yrs and i got to know that his wife had undergone a cancer surgery and still is undergoing treatment and he is not physically close to her now though they stay together in a joint family. He weeped and asked forgiveness for leaving me and wanted to have a physical relationship with me again. Though we both are mature enough to know that we are doing something wrong we could not resist each other and started seeing each other often and also had wild encounters which was very satisfying and keeping us both content. I dont want to loose him again and at the same time im so helpless and confused because of my lil son. I want my son but can’t imagine living with my spouse anymore. But my son loves his dad alot even my in laws are such wonderful people excluding my hubby who is so rigid in sex and not affectionate. I know im in a big mess and somtimes i just want to live in fantasy than live a real life. I could never forget my ex when we broke up and now that we are close to each other i cant stop seeing him.

  83. Anonymous

    Adding to my original post #453, I confessed everything so my wife could make the best decision for herself about whether to leave me or not. Also, my AP was hesitant to leave her spouse even though she said she was ready. I knew my wife would reach out to her husband, thereby forcing the AP to choose her home life or me. Or maybe a new affair for her I don’t know. I’ve not heard from her. My AP said initially she was ok with no strings attached sex for the rest of our lives because of her family situation. I thought I was too until it happened. In the end, I couldn’t handle the deceit anymore. Maybe it was about sex early on, sort of a side dish thing, but it was impossible for us to have sex and not fall in love. Or at least what we thought was love. After doing a lot of research, it has all the traits of an addiction instead. As a result, I have hurt a wonderful woman – my wife. What a mess. No one knows where the road goes from here. Have a great day!!

  84. Anonymous

    I enter no judgement of anyone on here because we are all human.

    Sometimes people who should be together (or at least think they should) find each other too late and there’s no way around the mess. We were high school lovers who simply drifted apart after graduation and later married other people. She’s been married 19 years and has three kids, I’ve been married 17 years and have no kids. She sought me out on Facebook five years ago, and it’s been on-again, off-again ever since. She said once she would leave her kids for me, and that they’d ‘adapt.’ My AP and I were physical four times in this span, but grew extremely close emotionally. She claims the fire was gone at home after the birth of her third child. My wife and I grew apart as well for a handful of reasons that in restrospect, seem silly. Anyway, the AP and myself believe it is love and not lust since it has went on this long. Despite not knowing each other outside the ‘fantasy,’ we both know there is an undeniable chemistry.

    I will mention here that probably 80-90 percent of our conversations were very sexual in nature.

    Here’s the strange part. Every time things would get physical, I’d confess. Six weeks ago I confessed again, and this time my wife took an extraordinary step of sending her husband a restricted letter spelling out the situation. My wife and my AP talked on the phone for the first time ever a couple days later. What a mess. So far it has been no contact for six weeks. The LONGEST we have made it no contact in the past has been about 110 days. I always go back, and the AP is always receptive. Right now I miss the AP wildly, but am afraid of making contact because I would likely end up with neither woman.

    I do know I am not my AP’s first affair. Basically, eleven years of her 19-year union have been a sham. I told her this, but she had no real comment.

    Anyway, my gracious, faithful and loving wife wants desperately to work it out while I continue to straddle the fence in confusion. We are in counseling. She holds me when I need held, even when she knows I am crying over a lost lover. I am praying to God for direction on this issue. Do I mend fences with a loving woman, or take a leap of faith into the unknown with an affair partner, whose loss I am grieving for sure. I want to stay, I want to go. I want to stay, I want to go. I am dwelling on ‘what ifs.’ My gut says to let the pain subside before making any decision.

    Life offers no guarantees. Good luck to all of you, and thanks for listening.

  85. Anonymous

    I had an affair for 13 yrs while married. It ended when I finally got divorced now 15 yrs ago, no one ever knew. He was in our circle of friends. I was married very young, kids right away. There were many things missing in my marriage & no physical attraction which went back to dating. I knew I did not feel about him as I did others I had dated, but too young to know it would matter, believed there were other things that were right. My husband dictated how everything would be, I was only his cheerleader, not an equal partner. There were were many areas of discontent for me but dedicated to staying to raise our kids. Fast forward 11 yrs. I meet a man that I had an immediate overwhelming attraction to – he the same, and also married. He had already cheated on his wife once that I knew of, but I didn’t care about that.

    I pushed him away, never gave into the attraction for 4yrs. Then after another miserable fight with husband, I took an opportunity to be with him. I believed myself to love him, was crazy over him, built a fantasy around him, like all cheaters do. We did not see eachother often never went anywhere public or overnights only to a motel briefly. I always felt so cheap & awful walking in & walking out but thought in some messed up way it helped me stay in my marriage!

    I knew I would eventually divorce, fantasized we would be together. The clues should have been there was never future talk, he never suggested that was what he wanted.

    Here comes the payback! I did divorce, never looked back, never regretted it, my kids were now gone. However he got divorced before me, now single, ended up taking off with an old high school girlfriend & marrying her! AND wanted to keep things going with me through that. And why not? He wanted the girl he knew wasn’t a cheater, not me! But he was still willing to cheat on her. My biggest regret in life is the years I spun around obsessed with this guy and the guilt I carried. I have run into him a few times since ending it 10 yrs ago, feel nothing but disgust, he tried to give me a hug and be friendly etc. couldn’t get away fast enough. I am extremely thankful & grateful I never ended up with him, he was a serial cheater & I was a blind fool. I have read all the stories up here, and all I can say face your marriage squarely, if it needs to end, then end it. Cheating is cowardly & disastrous to your soul, and you will never make it right!

  86. Anonymous

    I posted many years ago on this board and close to 5 years later as a result of our “affair” we are still together, very much in love, and getting married. My fiance has the kids 50% and we all have a great relationship – the kids have adjusted very well – doing great in school, love their new extended family and one of them has even gained a level of confidence he never had before. We both went to individual therapy which was tremendously helpful in moving past the fallout of the divorce (which is not something either of us are proud of as it hurt a lot of people especially his ex). Relationships take a LOT of work and communication and sometimes when couples meet each other as teens or just out of college they have never experienced an adult relationship and continue that way. His ex is happier now in her new home and is happily dating and we also get along very well. Life is short, it changes, people move on and sometimes situations like these help all parties grow. Women who have been cheated on – don’t play victim, embrace your inner strength, there is a better fit out there for you, leave the past behind (you are better than that – you deserve real happiness too). Women who are in an affair… get out, give him space and let him work on his relationship with his wife – if it doesn’t work and he truly loves you he will come back (if not, then be happy that you stopped interfering in them working out if they really want to continue their relationship or not). Women who are now in a healthy relationship with a man who had the strength to get divorced and still ensure that his family are taken care of, go see a good therapist and understand that if you are in this for the long haul it takes a tremendous amount of work, apologies and and trying to heal along with everyone else.

  87. Anonymous

    My husband, companion, best friend and the person I trusted like no other in my life is having an affair with his ‘first true love’ as calls it. They were college lovers and for whatever reason it didn’t work out. They connected through LinkedIn and have been physically together twice in the past 4 months. We’ve been married 14 years and together 18 and she is married for 24 years. S I found out through their ‘sexting’ messages and naked photos of her taken 2 days after our 14th wedding anniversary. He told me she is his “soulmate” and he’s been unhappy for 10 years. I had no clue that he was unhappy with the marriage. She is now filing for divorce and I am still fighting for my marriage.

    I’ve been in counseling for my own personal issues that may have contributed to the relationship. My husband is on the fence.

    I will say that any woman or man that claims they are in love with their “soulmate” while married to another person is living in a fantasy world. The relationship you have is not based on reality with daily day-today task.

    Both of them have destroyed 4 sets of families who adored them for their own selfish acts of sex and self-pity. Neither of them IMHO have self-esteem and are looking for love in all the wrong places.

    If you are truly unhappy in your marriage than tell your spouse and either work on your marriage or leave it!

  88. Anonymous

    416 amen sister! Who the hell is a proud home wrecker then slags that poor innocent wife she knows nothing about. How pathetic to believe all the lies she’s been told!!!

  89. Anonymous

    Have been married to a former dairy farmer since 1995. I stood by him, for richer or for poorer, and worked my butt off right along side of him for 16 years. I quit my gov’t job that I held for ten years for him six months after we got married. I’ve had no social security taken out of me for 19 1/2 yrs. Three days before our 18th anniversary he told me he had been cheating on me. I was blindsided, I never saw it coming. We were best friends. We got along so well that as a surprise I was going to ask him to remarry me on our anniversary. He got rid of the cows in 2012, the land in 2013 and me in 2013. I was and still am devastated. His excuse was that he thought he was having a “mid life crisis”. He told me that because he grew up on the family farm he never had any time for sports, dances, etc. He went in the Marines for two years but before his two years was up he was called to come home because a tree had fallen on his dad. He died a month later. He felt that it was his duty to give up his life to come back home and take care of his mother, younger brothers and the family farm. We met in 1993 and were married in 1995. He abandoned me, he took nothing, no clothes, no nothing except for around $150,000 from the sale of the farm land. Even though it’s been 15 months since he left my heart is still so broken. I heard today that he has a “new family” in TX. We’re in the first stage of the divorce, the papers are with my attorney. He filed against me. I live in NYS so I can’t even put it in the divorce papers that he committed adultry and abandoned me. Our state is a 50-50 state, I’m praying I can keep everything I’ve got due to the grief and stress he’s put me through. judges don’t care about that, he has to follow the law. Thanks for listening.

  90. Anonymous

    I have a very close friend who just married their affair partner. My friend came from a longterm marriage, no kids. The new spouse was not married.

    They have been totally over the top about how in love they are and completely shameless and classless about the fact that the relationship started while one of them was married.

    I need to back away from the friendship because I can’t be friends with somebody like this.

    Is their behavior normal? The nauseatingly lovey dovey “true love” stuff?

    It CANNOT last, right?

    I’m bewildered by how they’ve behaved.

  91. Anonymous

    I’m seeing a woman that is newly seperated. She was only married for 10 months. We have very simialiar personalities also share similar interests music,movies ,ideas and other things. We have a great time out together. We also been having amazing sex and says its been awhile since she felt that way. We also have been hanging out just about everyday for three weeks. I have very strong feelings for her and she has mentioned that she likes me very much and that I’m growing on her. She also asked if we where at the point where we wouldn’t see any other people. I said yes. I’ve also met her mom and dad and they approve of me as well. I’m wondering if this could actually work out or am I eventually going to be the transition person.

  92. Anonymous

    My “affair” started more than 20 years ago when I worked with my guy friend. We became instant friends and could talk about anything. We were both married to other people (unhappily) but stayed in those marriages out of responsibility and commitment. Our lives intersected on and off through the years and there was always a comfort and easy way about our friendship. Everybody thought we were “more than friends” all along. Truth is, we were friends and nothing more.

    Fast forward more than 20 years and we reconnected through facebook His wife claimed we were having an affair, threw him out and divorced him. Truth is, again just friends.

    However, we started talking and realized we had both been crushing on each other for the entire friendship. We started dating and it has been the most amazing relationship imaginable. “Coming home” is the only way to describe it. All of our friends and coworkers throughout the years can only say “its About time”. It was that obvious to everybody else.

    Maybe we were having an “Affair” for all those years without knowing it. Maybe there was no sex or even seeing each other for years at a time. But the looks must have been there for all to see. Our hearts and souls were joined long before are bodies were.

  93. Anonymous

    As a betrayed Spouse, I have a few things to say to those who are involved with a married man/woman, a married man/woman having an affair( emotional or physical) and those who are trying to defend their affair.

    First, for all of you involved with a married person, whats wrong with you? Why would you want some one who clearly does not respect commitment? I mean seriously, why would you even entertain the idea of some one who is capable of showing complete and total disrespect of their spouse, kids, family and vows that were made before them and God. My heart hurts for you, I can not imagine! I would never want some one who I know is capable of that. Even if my husband and I had not worked out and I started dating, I would never give a married man my time of day. In my eyes he is no catch. If he said he was separated I would still walk away to give my self a fair chance. If he said divorced, I would want proof, call me crazy but if he really wanted a chance with me it would not be hard to prove it!

    Now I know I just said I would never give a man a chance who has shown he is capable of total disrespect towards his spouse,kids, family, friends and God yet here I am happy and still married to one. And yes, we are! The thing is, he is mine!!! He is my screw up but the difference is he was not one when we met. Life happened and both of us handled things differently. The man who cheated on me and not just me my one year old son (at the time, because lets face it, my son would have eventually carried his fathers choices) was not the man I had known for years and choose to marry. The man that had the affair well, I had no clue who that was. But I have a better man now, better than when we first met and feel in love. He knows more about him self, he learned from his choices and the best part is he knows what real love is now. He knows being “in love” takes work, you don’t stay in love with putting in the effort. That you have the marriage YOU create. I read some where, that being ” in love” is like a camp fire, it won’t stay “HOT” unless you work at it. If you leave the firer alone it will eventually burn out. You have to keep working at it to keep it how you want. My Husband and I were not perfect and before the affair started we were both MISERABLE. We were both un happy with our marriage. He went one one I went another. He turned out and I turned in. He started drinking heavily and life just spun out of control. I turned bitter. It became a horrible cruel cycle. We both wanted to feel loved and important again to each other. He worked out of town (which did not help) and when he was gone was so busy I felt unimportant and un loved. He would come home and I would be so excited and he would be to but literally as soon has he walked in the door I became mad. He would always “jump my bones” right away and that would just piss me off. My thinking was he wanted nothing to do with me while at work but as soon as he walked the door wanted sex and it pissed me off. I kept telling myself how dare he ignore me all week then expect that! He saw it as pure rejection. He was thinking I did not desire him, did not love him and was not happy he was home because as soon as he got there I became mad. He would go back to work and it would begin again Vicious cycle! He became the man she knew, not the man I knew. Call me crazy but if i had met the man she met and would get to know, I would have ran screaming.

    To those who are married and having an affair, I challenge you!!!!!Break off the affair and start putting all the energy from your affair into your marriage! I mean yeah marriage is hard but it only gets worse when you emotionally and physically check out. Obviously involving another person in it just creates a bigger mess. From my research I have found most people (not all) start an affair not because they don’t love their spouse or want their marriage, they just don’t know how to make it better, they feel lose and hopeless. No one gets married (at least normal people) thinking they will fall out of love and have an affair. So take all your energy from your affair and throw it into your marriage. If you plan on buying something for your affair partner, don’t! Buy for your spouse. If you are bored at work text your spouse. Date again! Try and don’t quit! Yes if your spouse knows about your affair they will make it very hard, all most impossible. They will fight you tooth and nail, kicking and screaming. They will put up a fight, you broke their heart, their trust their sense of security. Deal with it! Once they see they are number one even above you they will slowly soften and become open to it. Its hard, its miserable, its heartbreaking and its numbing. Its feels hopeless and that their is no point it will never get better but it can. If you are truly remorseful and are truly sorry and want the chance, its worth a try! What you feel for your affair partner, you felt for your spouse, you just got caught up in life and have lost sight off it and stopped working for it. You don’t stay in love with out staying in the work of love. You have to work at it. I promise you that you will fall out of love with your affair partner, eventually. Even the case of the post # 439. I know it is a “success” story but they I am sure have had ups and downs,days where they couldn’t stand each other, thought it was a mistake just like any married couple. Now they just have learned probably to handle conflict and that being ” in love” takes work it does not just happen. You can not know what your marriage could be if your not involved in it or if your involved with someone else. You will never know unless you try. I say this with my husband in mind. Every day and I mean it, every day he tells me he is so thankful I didn’t give up. You see my husband thought even before he met her that we were ill matched. We had just gotten that far a part (I mean I would not admit it for a few months after finding out but I felt the same. I too felt like it wasn’t “true love” that we were not a perfect match, that we had just grown apart and never should have gotten married). He told me so many times he ” loved me but wasn’t in love with me ” that a part of me just died every time. That he never loved me! Then I found out about her. Yes, he was leaving me for her, i just did not know it yet. And he stuck to his guns but insisted it had nothing to do with her. I did not see it then but he was right, it was all about him! She could have been anyone. Just like your affair partner could be anyone, anyone who said something that made you feel loved admired etc. He moved out but we were so far gone he hardly ever came home any way so it was really no different except that one the 2/3 days he would come home a month I would have to bring our one year old to his parents to see him (FYI he told me he wanted a divorce 1 year to the day we came home from the hospital with our son, thats just to show you how quickly thing can change. I mean we were happy but becoming parents changed us both in ways we never saw coming and it caught us both off guard). He would only call one time a day for about 30 seconds. He was off being “in love” drinking, parting etc. He believed mind body and soul that we were not “meant to be” .So after about a month of me trying to do what I could (counseling) I gave in! I told him go I didn’t care anymore, I had our son to raise, that ending our marriage and family was on him. He dove in head first. He didn’t come home for 3 months, not even to see his son! Hardly called, I let go for him to hit bottom. I loved him and wanted our marriage to work. So I let him go. Well he came home and agreed to see a counselor. And geez did the counselor lay in to him. Told him he was a drunk, need to be home with his family, be a good example for his son and quit his toxic job. My husband looked him and me in the eyes and said he knew what he was doing was wrong but didn’t care. That floored me! The counselor laid into be to! Told me that it was just as much my fault his his. I should not hide my husbands drinking from everyone, stop nagging, get my angry toward him under control. I just sat there crying so hard. We left the office and to whole way home my husband said he was not coming home. I cried and cried! Then i just said to him ” we are losing everything we ever wanted because we hurt each other feelings and were mad”. We rode in silence for about 3 minutes, me still crying, when he grabbed my hand and said I was right. I cried even harder and louder. We got to his parents got our son and went home. So see, even if you feel out of love with your spouse or even that you never really loved them thats a lie! The lie affairs create to try to justify being selfish. Yes everyone deserves to be happy and be loved. Just give your marriage a fair and fight chance first!

    Lastly, for those defending an affair….I pray your children never experience your karma! I mean ladies if it was your daughter in law cheating on your son, would you feel the same. Would you justify your daughter in laws behavior and say its ok your son wasn’t treating her right, he wasn’t showing her enough love, having enough sex etc?? Would you feel the same way you do know now, that cheating is ok because every one deserves to be happy. Or Gentleman, what if it was your son in law treating your daughter the way you are treating your wife? Saying that he wasn’t ” in love” with her or that he never loved her. Would you tell your daughter its her fault, she must not being doing something right, or be enough? What would you do to your son in law? What would you say to him? I can 100% say if it was your child being cheated on by their spouse there would be NO justifying it in any way, NO excuse anyone could offer you to say it is ok. Would your child’s spouse deserve to be happy at your daughter or son expense? So if you think affairs are ok and that some are justifiable then you have to be ok that if it happens to your kids it ok! I guarantee no one will ever defend some one cheating on their child! What goes around comes around, maybe not on you but your kids.

    Now even with my husband home it was not 100% better any time soon. In fact it got worse, so much worse before it got better. It all came crashing down and we hit rock bottom Sept 2013. Yes he came home and we tried to just move on. Never talked about the affair, nothing! We never talked about any of it. That was my mistake. I was too scared, I didn’t want to scare him off. I just told him I would leave his drinking between hims God and would no longer ” nag” about it. So I just swallowed my pride and pretended nothing happened and it was surprisingly easy until Sept. I went a whole weekend with out hearing from him, then he final called me on Monday morning telling me we needed to talk, he quit his job, lost his phone and was on his way home. I was so freaking happy. I had prayed and prayed he would get away from that job and over there and here he was coming home! So he gets home and he confesses about his drinking and finally admitted he had a problem and that it was bad. I was so happy, he was finally wanting help. We started AA together, me just to support him. The next 2 weeks were heaven, he was strangely quit and just off but still, it was great. He just said he was emotional drained from everything. We had enough in savings for a few months so we weren’t in too much a hurry. We were finally being a family. Then a guy from work called said he found his phone and was mailing it to us (we reported it stolen). The phone arrived while we were out of town and by the time we got home it was late and my boys had gone straight to bed, I was the only one up (cleaning lol). I decided to plug it and have it charged for in the am for him. So I am cleaning when the phone just starts going crazy. I check it and there it is in front of me, the affair never ended. I read everything I could then calmly walked into our room (our son was sleeping in there with his daddy) tapped him on the shoulder and asked him to come see. Well he followed me to the kitchen where the ” shit” proceeded to hit the fan. He just froze, hung his head and fell to the floor crying. I was screaming, throwing stuff, hitting him, falling to the floor crying and getting up and starting again. It was bad. I called her told her,she could have him I was done good luck. She said that it ended back in April but that they stayed in touch and that the week end before he quit was the first time they saw each other since April. She proceeded to say he was faithful all week end, Husband said he wasn’t. Which I would not believe her any way because this was not our first conversation (i confronted her months ago right after i found out about her and she just lied and lied). So anyway over the next few days she proceeded to text me all kinds of stuff…magazine articles, things they talked about, how mean he was and how I deserved better, how my son deserved better (that got me), telling me bout the man I married. And I had enough, I told her she needed to stop and that the man she knew is not the man I knew and married. I told her i asked him to move out, he wouldn’t and that I was done, if she wanted him to come and get him. Well we (my husband and I) were in a bit of limbo for a few weeks. I was just in shock and all over the place and he was just broken and had no clue what to do or how to deal. Then one day I was watching Jaws and I just got to thinking… I would literally be willing to be eaten by sharks to save my son but i wasn’t willing to try to save my marriage. That was the day I decided to let my husband try. And thats what he did. He changed jobs, new phone numbers, new everything. Very open about everything. Now it was hard at first, he had to get help to learn how to help me because I was crazy. I was all over the place emotionally. I mean he kept saying he thought I had became Bipolar. But when he go help, he learned my actions were normal actions. I was a typical woman trying to deal with it. That was a turning point for us. He put in a lot of work and I threw it back at him. He would try harder and I tried harder to make him give up so i could say told you so, you don’t really love me! Then one day it just clicked, he really is sorry, really is trying, really wants another chance, he really wants me and only me! And here we are almost a year later and doing good, dare I say great! I am not saying we are over it or that it never creeps up and causes issues. We still have bad days but mostly good. We talked now, like we never did before. We are open with each other now with wants and needs. We just communicate and that has made all the difference.

    I just wanted to share because a lot of you on here feeling the same way my husband did and I wanted you to know there are couples out there that make it and are happier. That even though you feel like you do now its not real. It a lie! Its how you justify what your doing to make yourself feel better about it.Because deep down you know, know matter how horrible your marriage is, an affair is wrong. And that your marriages condition is just as much your fault as your spouse (that you conveniently blame for YOUR short comings) and you just don’t know how to fix it or even where to start.

    There is nothing wrong with leaving a cheating spouse. I hold no judgment for those who choose to divorce. Every one situations is different, no matter how similar. And had I not seen a broken man I would have divorced to. I just want people to know you can survive it and be the better for it.

  94. Anonymous

    In 2009, I met, whom I believed, to be the love of my life. We traveled many places, bought a nice home near Lake Michigan, started up a business, spent weekends camping and going to music festivals and this all within 5 years amd before my 25th birthday. But there was a darkness. He was an alcoholic. Even though I tried to cope and reason with this disease, he ended up with a felony record from resisting an officer while recieving a DUI. On our wedding night he got hammered and I laid, feeling absolutely alone in the hotel room while he was passed out. I finally had enough and announced to him and his parents that I would leave if he had another drink. His alcoholism was periodic, not daily. So, after two years of sobriety and the decision to have a child, he came home from a work convention drunk. I knew then that I could not bare a child for my lover, my bestfriend, my husband. One month went past with my emotions buried into me. College exams were stressing me out and my grandfather also passed away. Soon, overwhelmed, I found myself in an emotional affair with a classmate. He was kind and polite and noticed how alone I was. He questioned my husbands commitment and whereabouts. I fell, hard. A bored, scared and misguided wife who felt her youth was wasting away. My husband left for a ten day work trip to Germany and on his return asked if I wanted a divorce. He convinced me it was best that I went to stay at my mothers for a bit. Why I left is debatable. He should have left our home if he felt we needed space. 3 weeks went by and we talked nightly and I would visit to stay around. On a work day I went to the house on break and she was there. An 18 year old coworker. It got very messy from there. Very. My husband filled a seperation and 9 weeks after I left, after five years together, after growing and discovering ourselves, he and the teenager were enganged. We weren’t even divorced yet. It’s been 5 months now. 3 months since the divorce was finalized, and their wedding is tomorrow. They brag about their undying endless love on facebook. ..no one comments…and I am to look likr a poor victim. I am now seeing the man who was in my class, yet I am embarrassed and horrified that all along, throughout everything we built together, the classmate was right. My husband got the house and he’s splurging his new girl all over which is disgusting since their age difference is by 10 years. How am I not in a mental institution? How could someone be okay with the once love of their life, now being the person who they hurt thw most. He has shunned his family and closest friends just to be with this girl. They have a solid 5 months together. He threw away the person that loved him no matter his debt or addiction and I felt that I did a darn good job ceaning his ass up and making sure he became a good man. I didn’t make him for her to enjoy… but in the end I didnt make a good man, I encouraged an asshole to become an engineer and once he made good money and more power he needed a bitch to go with it all. Good luck to them both. When shes pregnant at the end of the year and cyinh bc she cant hangout with her little friends I’ll be grateful. Looking to seek a life without attachment

  95. Anonymous

    My husband of 10 years had an affair on me. He started an affair with a woman he worked with and tried hiding it from me, but I found out about it and finally got him to confess to the affair. The affair was only going on about 3 weeks before I started getting suspicious and found out. We had been together for 14 years and had two children together. The day I got him to confess I kicked him out of the house and he immediately shacked up with the OW. He hurt a lot of people by having the affair including himself. Our kids were devastated and I went through a lot of emotions and it is the most painful thing I have ever gone through. He was torn and said he still loved me, but also had feelings for her. He told me he wanted to try to save our marriage, but put no effort towards doing so and continued having the affair with her. I think it was even harder on me that he continued to lie and play head games with me and pretty much wanting to have both me and her. I made a tough decision to end the marriage and went and filed for divorce. At first I was a little hesitant because of the kids and I didn’t want them to grow up in a broken family. The kids were 6 and 9 at the time. Once I made the decision that the marriage was over and I could never go back to him because I would never be able to trust him again I felt a lot better and started to heal. I believe once a cheater always a cheater. After I divorced him I learned about another time he cheated before we were even married, and I found a couple emails to other women wanting to meet up. Not sure if he did ever meet up with any of them. I also found him responding to dating ads after we were divorced and he is still dating the OW. Not to mention he kept coming back to me for sex and a couple times I gave in since I wasn’t in a relationship. I think I did it more out of spite for the OW and for the satisfaction of knowing he was cheating on her too. Just this weekend they decided to get married. I am certain the marriage will not last and he will do the same thing to her. He has already cheated on her and if the opportunity came along he would do it again.

    I am a big believer in Karma and they will both get what they deserve and already have had plenty of Karma. My ex thought I couldn’t do it without him and thought I needed him and would never divorce him. One of the best Karma’s is proving him wrong and I have been happier and better off without him. Moved out of our house we had together into a much nicer and bigger house. He moved into a small apartment with his OW into a not so good part of town. As soon as we got divorced my ex got fired from his job and since then hasn’t been able to keep a job more than a month. With the affair he started a huge web of lies and they have all spiraled out of control. He has lied about dying of cancer 3 times, and lied about having other medical conditions just to get attention. I paid all of the bills and he didn’t know how to and his credit is completely ruined now and even got his car repossessed so now he has no car. Which he lost his license for not paying child support anyway and having other unpaid tickets. He forged checks of his parents and tried cashing them and got arrested and charged with forgery. Him and the OW has broken up several times in which each time he would come back begging me to take him back and even threatening to kill himself if I didn’t. Well I didn’t take him back and he didn’t kill himself. His life pretty much hit rock bottom and he took his kids maybe 3 or 4 weekends before he started making excuses and not taking them anymore. I started dating a wonderful man and eventually he started getting close to the kids and we moved in together and the ex had a very hard time knowing another guy was around the kids. Then he decided to tell people that both his kids died and even had fake death certificates made up to show his GF and made her believe they were dead. Shortly after this they decided to run off and hide from reality for a year until I found out where they were. For a year he didn’t contact his kids in any way and nobody knew where he was. Hasn’t paid child support or even had a job for two years. Eventually he had a warrant issued for him because he was on probation for his charges. The OW’s ex husband decided to contact me on facebook and tell me where they were hiding at and gave me all the information I needed. So I gave that information to the police and he was arrested.

    Since he was arrested he moved back and started talking to his kids and got a job and started paying child support. (He kind of had to since he was in trouble and had to go to court for both his probation violation and contempt of court for child support) He now says he is trying to change and be a father to the kids. Said he ran away because he thought all the problems he created for himself would just go away, but he said it only made them worse. His kids will never have any respect for him after everything he has put them through. For the kids sake I am hoping he is changing and will be in their life again.

    As for the marriage that started with adultery I don’t think it will last. They have already broken up several times and she found out about some very huge lies he told. One of the times they broke up was because he was suppose to pay rent and didn’t and got them evicted from the apartment. I guess the OW will get her Karma when he does the same thing to her. I am pretty sure they can’t have much trust in that marriage after all of the lying and cheating. My biggest concern is the kids being affected and having to deal with their marriage when they know that relationship is what destroyed their family. People really need to think before having an affair because it really hurts everyone involved.

  96. Anonymous

    It is never right to have an affair with a married man! And in my opinion women are stupid when they believe they are ending the marriage and it is so horrible. All men will say that even if it is not true! The best karma for those women is to give them the lying cheating man and they can experience how it feels when he does the same thing to her!

  97. Anonymous

    I am a 50 y.o. single woman. My 4+year relationship with a married man just end this week. My married man (MM) initiated separation/divorce via email with his wife in mid July. In a subsequent talk 2 weeks later she agreed with divorce but was not leaving the marital home. Youngest kid is a junior in high school. Prior to me entering the picture, he would send an email to her once a year asking if she would work with him to fixd the marriage, but she never replied. Just went on with their life as if she never received email. Wife got pregnant 3 months into dating my MM and while she was going through her first divorce. According to my MM, she had become more and more distant in the past 6 months – would be out and he had no idea where she was. She socialized, but not with my MM, and my MM was now certain he was making the right decision. Her Facebook pictures were all of her and her friends and sometimes the kids. We were in love and looking forward to our life begining and just “us” and no roadblocks, and we knew it would be a challenging road during the divorce process. Since she learned that my MM wanted to leave the marriage, she started to suddenly plan a family outting zipling and would post pics on her Facebook page talking about the fun she had with her hubby doing this sport. She started posted even more pics of her hubby and saying things like he may be flawed, but he still makes the cut. This caused a great deal of stress for him because he didn’t know what she was up to, and conflict between us. We both were paranoid. In the house she would ignore him and my MM said things felt very tense. I was very angry with the pics she was posting and it lead me to threaten to expose our relationship and I went as far as sending him a draft email that I would send. I know, very immature on my part. The stress and anxiety was so great for me and I wanted it all to stop and the only way for it to happen was to tell his wife.

    His divorce atty warned us that we should end our relationship until his separation was well underway, but no, we thought we were special and could weather all the storms. What his atty predicted would happen, did happen between us. I called him up one morning last week and he was hysterical and said something horrible had happened, but he didn’t want to talk about it — I told him I needed to know so I knew how to proceed and he told me that she knows about us and that we have continued to communicate. He said we could no longer talk and wished me peace. An hour later, I sent her the email exposing our relationship in every detail. She responded saying that she had known about us for a long time, but had forgiven me. Also said, “welcome to my world.” Not much of anything else other than my anger needed to be directed at him, not her. I had been a bit pushy in the separation talks and wanted him to keep the ball rolling, but he said he did not want to live without his son and hoped for a separation agreement that would allow him to stay in the house as they both lived their own lives. I will never know now because he has not called or texted in four days. Since my email to her, she has stopped posting the pictures of them and how happy they are, it’s back to pictures of just her and what she is doing. Maybe she felt scorned in some way that her husband wanted out and suspected he found someone else and was going to do everything in her power to sabatoge the relationship with the other woman IF it was true. I’m in shock. I am torturing myself thinking that she now is going to make his life a living hell and he will tolerate it b/c he wants to stay with his son. Or, did she throw him out that night when she got home from work? We can only guess. The marriage had been dysfunctional for over 12 years. I spoke with one of his friends a year ago who said he told my MM several times to get out of that marriage because of how she constantly belittled him. She emascuated him. I think that will only continue and here I am. He said I was his one happiness, that he never would find another like me and my heart. Two close friends say that it will just be a matter of time till they crack from the pressure of their now marriage now that the infidelity has been exposed and he will one day come crawling back to me. But would I want that? How could he have turned his back on me and not reached out to me to see if I was okay? If wife knew about us, could he still be angry for me sending the email. I feel some relief and perhaps he does, too, knowing that everything is now out in the open. Time will tell. I just wanted to believe that there was going to be an us and here I am on a saturday night only able to wonder what is really going on.

  98. Anonymous

    A success story for the doubters and judges: My husband and I just celebrated our 16th wedding anniversary. I left my first husband after eight years of marriage and two children to be with him. We met at work and it was instant attraction. We have a child of our own. Why has it worked? Lots of effort, compromise and patience. At the time of my divorce, my counselor said we had a 20% chance of a successful, long-term relationship. It’s been wonderful proving everyone wrong and you can get through it when you are both committed. It’s okay to believe.

  99. Anonymous

    I met my husband 4 weeks after the death of my God mother through alcoholism. I dealt with her death through drinking myself and this man became my friend and drinking partner and then my boyfriend. After 8 weeks or so I decided enough is enough and I went back to my usual drinking pattern of a few glasses of wine a week but my boyfriend carried on like every night was his last… We decided to get married and went to Vegas (we’re in the UK). After the ceremony we went for a meal and then went back to our room.. He said he was popping to the bar for a drink and I saw him 12 hours later.. That’s when I realised that for him it was more than liking a drink, he was an alcoholic.. We spent our honeymoon either together with him drunk.. Or apart with me in our hotel room and him in the bar..

    We’ve been together and he is still drinking heavily.. He drinks every night and sometimes up to a litre of spirits and two bottles of wine.. We have tried to talk about it but he refuses to acknowledge there is an issue as he is highly functioning. We have no children and he isn’t nasty or abusive, he’s just a stranger who talks about rubbish, repeats himself and vomits a lot..

    My mother has dementia so 4 weeks ago we moved 250 miles away to help care for my Mum. The day after I moved in I went to a school reunion (cliched I know) and I bumped in to an old friend who I’d had a crush on 25 years ago. We spoke very briefly and the chemistry was palpable.. I contacted him when I know I shouldn’t have and we’ve been texting since.. It’s nothing sexual it’s just friendly but after 4 years of living with an alcoholic it makes me feel alive..

    I’m in such a quandary.. I promised my husband I’d never tell anyone about his drinking so I’ve been struggling with it myself for 4 years and I’m finding it hard..

    How do I know whether the feelings for my old friend are real or whether they’re because I am so unhappy with my marriage?

  100. Anonymous

    True story.

    There was a little sister who stole her big sister’s husband. Big sister cried and cried over the betrayal and caused a big family to tear apart.

    Many years later the big sister finally moved on a found the real love of her life and is still happily married 30 yrs later.

    Big sis forgives little sis and they make peace. Little is still with the stolen husband., but they all forgive and move on.

    Shortly after they all made up, little sis and the stolen husband are driving and are hit by a truck. The impact was so bad they both died immediately.

    Folks. Dont cheat and steal. It aint worth it in the end.

  101. Anonymous

    Here is an example of where affairs get you. My brother left his wife of 25 years for a married woman, after an affair. She left her husband and they shacked up for ten years. On top of total financial devastation for them both, they are now split up. Don’t know all the details but I do know they are apart. I suspect she found someone else but the good news is, his ex is happily married. His life is in the toilet and staying there. Gotta love Karma.

  102. Anonymous

    I am 50, married, for the second time, for 5 years. have two kids: 4+ year old daughter and 2+ year old son. happy on the surface. My wife is 12 years younger than me. We met some 15 years ago, I was married for 4 years then. We had an affairs, but, due to my premature ejaculation, I never managed to really penetrate her, and she ends up not even allowing me to simply do the foreplay with her. This affairs was never discovered. I divorced in 2008 with no kids, and re-married in 2009.
    On the surface, I should be a happy man, with a happy family. Yet, my wife clearly stated to me that she would not have sex with me after marriage and she expected me to be faithful to her. Soon after marriage, she was inflicted with a medical condition that might threaten the chance of pregnancy. Rather unwillingly, she had sex with me, for a couple of times, that ended up in our first daughter. Once pregancy was confirmed, she stopped sex with me. The same for our second son. I feel like a sperm donar. In the name of caring for kids, she arranges me to sleep in a room with our son, and she another room with daughter. My only chance of having physical ‘intimacy’ with her is my wake up face-to-face hug with her that she does not reject. That’s all. I do not feel like her husband, and I guess she also cannot feel like my wife. I don’t want to hurt the kids, nor do I want to hurt her. I stay faithful to her. Yet, my men’s nature keep threatening me with the temptation, although whenever I think of them, I simply cannot do it. We become accustomed to the habit that we don’t even talk about such absence of sex in our marriage. Our conversation only revolve around kids, and we do not do anything during anniversary. In birthdays, we do the basics of cutting cakes, etc. She call me ‘papa’ and I call her ‘mama’, all centering on the kids’ perspective. Somehow, I am her first man, as she was a virgin when she first met me. I still adore her and her body, but I do not know why she has no interest in mine whatsoever now. During the affairs, we had intense passion, kissing and caressing, though not to the point of intercourse. I still feel like she is my lovely girl. I believe she is faithful to me. I still love her a lot, though I cannot love her sexually, and that’s my most painful part.

  103. Anonymous

    Well, I hear you on your bicycle analogy. My simple point is that humans make choices. I believe there is merit to understanding why things happen. To gain perspective from other peoples bad choices and good ones. I think you can learn from other people. But only if you want to understand. What I see is blame casting rather than seeking to understand. People in deep pain with No control over what has hapoened so it’s easier to point a finger, degrade these “horrible people” than to seek an understanding.

    Sure, ok, I “stole” the bike…but seeking to understand why it was left in the garage and why I felt my only choice was to stray is equally as valuable as it is to pour out your heart for being on the losing side of an affair…well actually nobody wins, truthfully,

    You don’t see growth, that’s ok. My “growth” from my poor decisions is not what I expressed or took time to express, but rather an understanding of how things can evolve into an affair. Not blame or validation for stupid mistakes.

    There are reasons why 70% of men and 40% of women cheat. Are you faithful people just better human beings? Doubtful. Maybe you were equipped with better tools and make better choices….but then again you married a flawed human if they cheated right? Does that make your judgment flawed? No. You just trusted and were victimized…

    Cast judgment, blame tell me to go away,..you’re strangers I don’t care. You are not the people I seek to help with my response and experience. The people who need help are those who are lost in an affair as a result of bad decisions and still believe it will be peaches and cream if they end up together.
    You forget that neglected worn down bike I stole is still a very flawed human being as am I.
    People who have affairs do it for a variety of reasons. Selfishness is just one. Doesn’t make it right, but I would rather understand why things happen so I can change and grow then lash out on an individual that has harmed me.

  104. Anonymous

    Sometimes the fools say it best. We call them comedians these days. You know, the guys who point out the inconsistency, hipocrisy and idiocy involved in being human. There was a guy called Emo Phillips around a few years ago. Tall, lanky, geeky, weird and hilarious. Paraphrasing his words, I forget them now:

    “When I was a boy, I was desperate for a bicycle. Every night when I went to bed I would pray to God to bring me a bicycle.

    One night, my mother came in when I was praying and she heard my prayer. Oh son, she said, God doesn’t work like that. So she sat me down on her knee and told me how God worked.

    The next day I went out and stole a bicycle.

    That night when I went to bed, I prayed to God to forgive me for what I had done.”

    Substitute husband/man of my dreams/whatever I want for bicycle and you may see the problems I have with the conciliatory approach.

    Someone is still without a bicycle.

    And being told they are without resource in this situation is definite; to go on to tell them that they should be grown up enough not to just say fine, it’s life to the bike stealer, I guess I contributed to that a bit, I’d had the bike a very long time and it threw me off enough times, the wheels didn’t run straight, and it wasn’t that shiny anymore so maybe I did leave the garage unlocked, I always had. Its called trust.

    Now a person is not a bike. And I am a fool. They’re not always wrong though. They often speak a lot of truth which is hard to hear. They learn to live without their bike, they walk. It’s tougher, but they do it. And they do it with dignity and with increasing ease.

    To watch someone riding around on their bike telling everyone how entitled to happiness with this bike they are, and how judgmental others are who are now walking.

    Well, therein the rub. Ouch. Perhaps growth will be possible, I see very little has occurred to date 431. Ah well, your path may take you there faster than I, you have the bike after all and I just my legs.

    Go well, but go quickly please and do not point and tell me how to be as you disappear into the distance.


  105. Anonymous

    The first step is to admit you have a problem.

    Stealing from others is just plain wrong. I can’t believe people haven’t learned this yet!?

    And to steal from another when they are vulnerable is really cowardly. Not a fair fight.

    I dont know how some of you sleep at night knowing you’ve “gained” wrongfully.

    If a man or woman is not happy in their marriage then,


    How many times does this have to be explained!

    Some of you must have low IQs.

  106. Anonymous

    You’re focusing on the wrong issues. Why is the woman always the man stealer? As I said I’m not justifying any actions.

    As for mental health issues I clearly would not represent that was the case if it was not a clinical diagnosis. Further, not every affair falls into the same category. You cannot steal a human being or their emotions. Grown men and women make choices; assigning blame to any of the parties involved is a knee jerk response to the pain that is caused; that way nobody has to be accountable. However your argument is flawed in that I took accountability and responsibility for my bad behavior.

    There is no justification for our actions and the reason men and women behave in this manner and get lost along the way is because of their inability to find the strength to either seek help first, communicate or decide. As I said it was cowardly.

    As far as the lies….no lies were told between us. You will discount this as false but as I said before WE both chose and sought this out. There was no need to lie about it.

    I was simply trying to give perspective to an often one sided discussion about the “other woman” always being at fault or a man stealer. You proved my point in that people in these situations are often lost with no resources to make the right decision and fear of judgment which perpetuates the behavior.

  107. Anonymous

    It is unfair to go back to your husband. Let him go (really go) so that he can get a chance to find happiness with someone else who really loves him. A chance to be with a woman who is not ruled by vaginal urges.

    As for the bf, whateverrrr. Stay or go. You can both destroy each others lives. But while you are getting therapy, please don’t selfish and hold up your
    husband while you vascillate between two men. Playing “eenie meenie minee mo”.

    You chose the bf , so go be happy with him. You made that decision. Move on even if your family wants you to go back to the husband. Your family just wants things to “look nice” .

    Your husband will find happiness. And when you see that he has found it with a new person, maybe then you will not feel so guilty. He also deserves a chance to be with someone who understands marital committment.

    You, on the the other hand, should be with someone more like yourself. The player bf is a good choice for you.

  108. Anonymous

    I have been reading all over the place about affairs.. This article and the discussion gives a good perspective from both the sides.
    I was the one who had an affair and one thing that bothers me 24/7 is the guilt and the pain I caused everyone due to my choices…
    Here is my brief story.. I had an arranged marriage but I got lucky with that. Except the physical attraction part in the relationship my husband was a wonderful man.. Took care of me like a princess and trusted me… Fast forward after 6 years in to the marriage due to lack of physical attraction (we barely had sex) I drifted away and fell in love with my colleague who was also my best friend for 3 years.. Affair lasted for a year and I could not do it anymore and admitted to my husband about my affair.. He was devastated but still thought we could work it out but I was not in a position to hear his opinions.. I was in a rush to move in with my love.. and I did it.. Down the road after a year I realized that my lover had some shortcomings just like every other relationship.. We still love each other but he had drinking, moodiness and dipping issues…. I fear that down the road when we are old and when the physical attraction is not a priority in life how would it be… Now I have moved out and am living alone to clear my head and see what exactly I want in life…
    I have learnt my lesson the hard way that jumping from one boat to the other is not the way to find happiness…
    The guilt of hurting my husband is still killing me inside and I can never forgive myself for doing this to him.. He is a honest man and loved me unconditionally..
    My problem was when I moved in with my bf I started comparing these two men in my life and except the passion and attraction part my husband always won…. It took this long and and affair for me to see the goodness of my husband..
    Now that I am alone my bf has been per suing me again and wants me to give him a chance.. He has quit his bad habits but I am too scared to get hurt again.. I know KARMA came back to me coz of what I did to my husband..
    My husband wants me back and my family is pressuring me to go back to my husband but I am not sure if I can give my 100% to him coz I still cannot have physical intimacy and attraction towards him..
    My question to people out here is.. Would you advice me to go back to my husband? wouldn’t it be unfair to him if I go back? Would our marriage work if I don’t have the passion towards him?
    I still love my bf… should I give him a chance in my life again?
    As of now I am not going to rush into any decisions and want to find happiness in me and taking help from the therapists as to why I did this in the first place……

  109. Anonymous

    No. 426.

    Who knows what is the truth of the mental health of your original spouses. Certainly there must be questions about a wife represented to have a mental health diagnosis and to be unable to cope without the fabulous emotional support given to her by her cheating husband, who is then able to stand on her own two feet and go ahead. Something there doesn’t compute does it? Perhaps that there are a lot of lies told by affair partners to each other.

    Who cares anyway.

    Just one correction though. And it’s a factual error. You may or may not be a loser or insecure. Those children may or may not survive your divorces. Your exes may or may not be bonkers. You may or may not even know what love looks like.

    But you are a man stealer if you have an affair and then break up a marriage. By current definitions of “mate poaching”, that is. Validate away, but be aware of the definitions that others use.

  110. Anonymous

    Dear number 6 … if you honestly believe that you can choose who you love, then I would venture that you quite possibly have never been in love mate.

  111. Anonymous

    Let me start out by saying this. Cheating is wrong. Affairs are a mess and it destroys people. I know this because I did it. I am a woman. I am not a loser or insecure or a man stealer. I am a human and I made a mistake. That being said my affair partner and I are still together after 2 years.

    My affair partner and I were both married. We sought each other out. We deliberately and intentionally had an affair. We sought it out. We did it because in our minds we both got married for the wrong reasons but were too cowardly to leave. Admittedly now we both wish we would have just stood up and either discussed the issues with our spouses or had the guts to leave. This is all hindsight perspective. People in affairs aren’t bad people, they are making bad choices. There is no guidance for people in affairs, they just run on emotion and fear constantly. The only advice they get are from one another and those who dare to support them. Then those people ultimately judge them every step of the way during and after.

    I am not going to justify my actions by going into details about his marriage or mine. What I will say is that looking back, we both married for the wrong reasons. Me for security and stability and he due to pressure after a long term relationship and not wanting to disappoint people who stood by him. We both were caretakers to an extreme with partners that were not necessarily capable of living life without emotional support. Both diagnosed with mental illness. We both thought we could continue to carry our spouses through life and “get what we needed” elsewhere and not dump the spouse and “crush” them.

    What I will say is this. Do the right thing and make a choice now. Stop your affair and stand up. NO matter the circumstances. Everyone will survive a divorce, if need be, or you will get clarity on what is the right decision FOR YOU;stay or go. Do it for YOU, not your kids, not your spouse, for YOU. Because ultimately you sought an affair because YOU were not happy for some reason and making choices for others got you here in the first place. Find out why first.Discover why you are in this position. Can you fix it? Can you change? Take responsibility for YOUR part in this, not blaming your spouse.

    As far as my relationship with my affair partner, it has been very difficult. People don’t accept you, some do, some don’t. Families are divided and the decision to stay with someone who is “marked” is not an easy one. Your love has to be real, it has to be strong and based on something more than passion, excitement and feeding off one anothers fears. And you have to be willing to risk EVERYTHING for it to work. Because the ultimate risk is losing everything and everyone for the gain of just your partner. Are you willing to live in a bubble?

    I love him, he loves me and we are working through it. But don’t be fooled that you are just going to have a NORMAL life with this person. Like I said in the beginning, I was wrong, he was wrong. There is no undoing what we did to our spouses, to each other during the process, and to the people around us. All we can do now is try to be better people, try to find happiness, and YES, we deserve happiness even though we made mistakes, even if that happiness is not with eachother.

    I never intended to hurt anyone, I was a coward. I have to live a lifetime knowing that I participated in something that crushed a woman I never knew. Luckily, she is doing great, she has stood on her feet and is able to recup her life, dust off the mess he and I caused her and find happiness. The fact remains, I have to live with my choices the rest of my life and all I can do is try to do the right thing going forward.

    For all of you casting judgment and harsh words on people having affairs. Open your eyes, the statistics don’t lie. This is an epidemic in marriages that is not isolated to just you and your small life. My suggestion to anyone who is on the other side of an affair, stop blaming and start looking inside yourself as well. Are you contributing to the breakdown? Are you truly as righteous as you claim to be? Are you really just a victim? You may feel you were the perfect partner, and the other person is just void of any morality or feeling, or you may be part of the problem too. Marriage succeeds and fails on the backs of two people. If you want to save your marriage, you have to recognize whether you want to change too or you want to stay who you are or leave your spouse. On either side, don’t let the decision of how you want to live your life lay in someone elses hands.

    Good luck to all of you. I am happy to be on the other side of this because I know both the cheaters and those who were cheated on are in the darkest days of their lives. I wish you all peace in your decisions.

  112. Anonymous

    My girlfriend of 11 years just broke up with me.
    Let’s take a short trip backwards. I was married (not a very pleasant one, but the usual in it for the kids). She was getting divorced and she initially began the contact and friendliness to me. We worked together once a year and I never thought that it was anything but her being a nice person. We got to know each other and about our families. She at the time was dating someone. She dropped hi real fast. Oh we laughed a lot, I have a great personality and I am very approachable. As it turned out I would call her on occasions but never anything about getting together. Next thing I know is that I am asking her to go to lunch on occasions. Still nothing, just lunch. That was it. Then it happened, she told me she was having feelings for me, but that I was married. I told her that I was having feelings for her too. Now what do we do? Well we continued to communicate much more often. I was out of town on business, she called me and initiated phone sex. Honestly it felt wierd, but I played along. It was fun and my ex and I slept in different beds, in separate rooms for 20 years of a 23 year marriage. So I guess I was wide open. Then It all escalated, meeting her more often, hot sex, in the car or at her place. Meanwhile, I’m making excuses for being away from the house. Eventually I left the house. My divorce tok 5 years. Meanwhile in the course of this 11 years she broke up with me about 6 times, which devastated me each time. On this last breakup, I accidentally made a discovery. She left a string of journals on email. What do I find out? She is in the beginning stages of an affair with a married man. In retrospect, now that I look back, I can say, that on 2 of the breakups the pattern was the same. She was in to Facebook but would drop off in a heartbeat. Happened again. I asked her if she had someone else she would state no but it was a lie. This from a woman who was adamant about being truthful to each other. Last year I called her out on some inappropriate texting she was having with a former customer. Says she stopped but now I have completely lost trust in her. She was always able to trust me because she knew everything I was doing. I never cheated on her, nor with my ex for that matter. If your wondering why I didn’t commit to marriage either her, is that I had this gut feeling. Not about other men, but the breaking up and her being all over the place. Now that I think about, in the initial stages, she made me get a second phone and reminded me to never buy her anything with a credit card. Sounds like experience to me. Wonder if she is telling her new married friend the same.
    I really love this woman and fnd that my compassionate and forgiving qualities stand in my way. Why would I consider letting her back in if she wants to like I did on all the other occasions knowing that she may have been with other men. I am by no means in need of more friends, nor am I lonely but I am lonely without her. Think I have a problem.

  113. Anonymous

    Glad I found this site and read almost all of posts all evening-night long. I senses many posters’ pains and fortunately some are able to move on easily after the divorce. Not me!

    I try to make long story short. Forgive me if you have hard time understand my english as it is my secondary language. ASL is my primary language. Just few days from reach 25th year anniversity, My ex-wife abandoned from my family while we was asleep. Her stuffs emptied out, deleted emails, contacts, and etc. The morning we discovered abandon and started to contact each others (3 children) and ex-wife. We was clueless to why! Heart-sinken, shock, confusion, and other traumas. Under the pressure of my family to seek a divorce lawyer for my protection. I resisted. (Huge bad financial news surfaced on credit report) 3 weeks later, a friend finally conveniced my ex wife to meet me in a resturant to work out. She refuses. Blame me everything. She want “Happy Life” “New Life” or blahs. Told me how unhappy she was with our marriage. Blame me for everything. More revealings from credit report that my child became an ID thief victim from my ex wife! The more shock facts revealed the more emotions and rock bottomed I became. Even my 3 children are on my side and despise of their own mother! I tried everything to save children-mother relationship… But unable to… I feel so powerless… Lost… shock… confusion… traumnas… Me being on disability and my future is toasted and I do not want other woman but my wife. (It is extremely hard to find an attractive deaf woman!) Not want to start all over… Fear I end up lonely for rest of my life… Many others in thoughts and I felt so disconnect to everything. I blamed my family for cause our marriage to fail because I know the dymanics. I always been on wife’s side regardlessly… Yes I am/was loveblind and according to friends telling me I been love blind for long times… Revealed that she left us for another extremely low class man. I can not understand to why would she want to leave a good family and good life. My self-esteem all gone! “what do I want?” “Who am I?” all gone! Hate myself much more! I was completely at loss… Committed a few suicide attempts that children and my mother resuced me twice and sent me to counslerings… PAIN VERY INTENSE TOO PAINFUL THAT I CAN NO LONGER BEAR WITH IT! I cried for my wife, for my children, and for family… Fastforward… More we learn thur rumours that she end up with “sin” life got herself tattooed, drinkings, prolly on drugs and prolly orgy… Whatsoever have went on in the passing few years were all base on lies, deceits, run up my debts, kids debts, looted kids’ saving funds, and etc… To me it was like “No way! That is impossible! Not the person I know would do like that!” Reality said so… Divorce was finalized few months ago. Still I am feeling so angers and hatreds brewing more in me… Every night before I go bed I pray to be gone and get more bitter whenever I wake up alive… Also children dont bother to talk with their mother do heartwrench me. I feel like I have failed on my family no matter how hard I tried or accomphlished… blahs… Im told that I am not fail family as it all points to my ex-wife. Yes, I do accept few issues that may be at my fault or some flaws but again my children denied its my fault. Ok then… It have been over a year and my pain still here! But compare to last year it was VERY VERY VERY INTENSE THAT WAS UNIMAGINEABLE PAINFUL! I dont want to revisit that pain again ever! How do some of you that are strong enough and able to rid pain to move on? EVEN My children are able to move on! Maybe me being on disability quadtriple the healing processing than if working people are? Right now when I look now compare to a year ago and I can not believe how big difference of psych-fk-up and the impacts aftermath. Still pain there… “wish none have had happened” or every time I see my granddaughter or other such as holidays or special occassionals and I pity to my ex-wife for those loss opportunities!!!

    Apparently it seem it take years for long term marriage end up divorce longer to recover especially 25+ yrs of marriage than those are 10 years of marriage… Plus yall in a big world of plentiful of attractive womens out there to choose compare to my world which is extremely hard to find good attractive woman with good morals! My children told me that I dont have to go for deaf only woman… But I have other disability that I am not proud of myself… First I need to get myself back online… Love myself… Before I worry that next chapter… I hope it dont take me “10 years” to get over with betrayals/cruels and still at loss on how to move on as I still love my wife but realize the facts that she dont love me and family after what she have had done against us. Its the most difficult thing to accept. I know her -35+ years and 25 years marriages… I put lot of my efforts and very attached with her… It is hard to let her go… If not for other of my disability that prevent me from work … I could have signed up Over time list and work 12 hrs x 6 days a week or whatsover to double my achivement goals or make time go faster… able to move on? Whatsoever!

    Hope some of you can chime me on how to move on? Especially being on disability on fixed income. Also being badly hurtfully betrayed and cruel against!!!

    Lastly, For anyone who consider affair especially have a family. Take my word. DO NOT DO IT. It crush family beyond than you can imagine! Destructions and pains very bad! Simple, Be truth of yourself. Do not lie of yourself. It (lie/deceit) is not worth it! I am told that ex-wife will be 10X or below rock-bottomed one day? Shal we wait and see how it is working on her? Also after read posts above claims that most of their ex-spouses (post-affairs) end up misery after divorce… Hmmm…

  114. Anonymous


    I would like to tell my story and leave some food for thought.

    I am at the end of a seven year relationship that began as an affair. I was married when we got together and so was he. However my ex husband and I married really young and due to my pregnancy. We were married on paper for eight years. However, I can honestly say any connection we may have had died after the first year. It became a true marriage of convenience. I needed financial support and he needed a caregiver.

    I met my recent ex at work and we had that amazing connection. This is the only time I have ever cheated in my life. I understand it but don’t believe in it. Eight years later I realize I compromised my values right from the start. But I have to say at that time it felt so right. My recent ex told me he married to young and to quick as well, as they were married after six months. Oh how I believed!!

    Fast forward. We had a really good relationship for almost five years. Then I got pregnant and everything blew up. Not so much on my end but his. He began online affairs and going crazy about not trusting me. By the time our son was 18 months I was gone.

    I have to say I ignored all the signs. Seven years a child, our other children, a house, etc….He still is not over his first wife! They remained in contact cause they have a child, but I always thought it was extreme. My ex husband and I communicate for our son, but not ever day or frequently. Our relationship was dead.

    So what happened. My recent ex and I split after everything. His ex wife is now getting remarried and he is furious. Where does it leave me-heartbroken, broke, another child to support, and left being the scapegoat of his anger and issues toward his ex wife, and the dedication of the song Skinny Love to me.

    I am hurt,confused and bruised. Everything is gone. But you know what one very valuable lesson has be learned:

    If you begin as an affair or are having affairs while married or whatever’ you are a truly emotionally available person as is the one you are with. And guess what- the connection is bullshit.

    Think about it…do you really want anything less than 100% of a person? If you are sharing you don’t have them and maybe never did. I grew to really love my ex he cheated on me too! But it was the most perfect for a long time.

    I’m not begrudging anyone here. I have been there and trust me I understand. But look and look hard before you leap. Do you really want half a person? I have decided to take this time now to look at my own availability issues as I never want to go through this again. Years ago someone told me be careful this is a new thing…The newness will wear off and boy were they right…As for him it did!

  115. Anonymous

    I must say…These posts are amazing me right now.. My situation, rocky road with me and my ex. While I had an emotional affair that never turned physical back in my 20’s I knew it was wrong after he touched my face in a gentle way. My point, I wasn’t married at the time but I knew what I was doing was very wrong and ended it. Now, my ex is involved in an emotional affair with a married woman for the past 9 months. He befriended the husband PRIOR to sleeping or attempting to sleep with his wife. He thought maybe it was just a friendship and attempted to enter me and my children’s lives and swooned me for a month. Pulled out all the stops but would not fully cut her off. I snooped found some evidence and called her out on the game. She is promising him she will leave… We will see how this ends but in the mean time she has been around my children. My 11 year old daughter says, “what type of married woman hangs out with another guy all the time? Is this normal mommy?” Way to start a very messed up relationship if and when it happens… Some people…

  116. Anonymous

    All of you mistresses who are trying to have a baby to trap the married man ….just remember, your kid will always have BASTARD stamped on its forehead. !!!!

  117. Anonymous

    My marriage started very rocky. 10 years ago during deployment my wife cheated on me with my best friend. We decided to move on and better our relationship. We never sought a proper counseling and it made me bitter over time. Every argument, I held her mistakes over her head. I guess I didn’t know how to forgive. Fast forward into the future, I believe my wife tried to be a good wife, our marriage was tough. She told me a month ago that she was having an emotional affair with another man and they have kissed numbers of time, but never had sex. She said I was a good man and had many good qualities, but i made her feel like no one else can love her. She also told me she loves this other man, so i backed off and gave her what she wanted. We’re in a process of getting a divorce, but deep inside of me I know we can have a good marriage. Slowly, she’s becoming more bitter towards me as if I’m in her way of happiness. I tried reaching out to her, but she never answers my letters or question, I think she’s done. Whenever we talk about this affair all she has to say is “I’m sorry, but that’s all I can tell you.” She has no sympathy it seems. I’m actually doing well and moving on faster than I expected, but our children seems to be the one getting shafted with this whole situation. For now I’m set on moving on with my life, but I have that what if question. I wish her the best, but the jerk part of me wish her relationship falls apart. Does her relationship stands a chance with her new found love? I wonder

  118. Anonymous

    Ha love the spirit of this all especially the last couple of posts that took to task the slimy woman that ruined a family. Yep, you probably had the time to do all the things his wife didn’t. If he could cheat on his first wife and get a divorce he can cheat on his second and get a divorce. Further, he doesn’t have the pesky kid situation with you number 415.

  119. Anonymous

    Thanks # 417.

    I’ ve always known that women who poach married men actually hate women. #415 is proof of that.

    Gloating because she believes she stole the “prize”. Patting herself on the back because she stole from a housewife and calling the wife names like pathetic and lazy.

    #415….you’re mad because she had his children first and got to be the FIRST at many things which you will never get. You must be seething! Poor thing. He had babies with her and all of the wonderful milestones with HER. Yes.. she beat you to it and her children will always be a part of his life. When you look at them…you will always see the genetic combination of THEM…his children are a wonderful reminder of THEIR lovemaking. Don’t grind your teeth…it’s unattractive.

    Too bad for all of you poaching predators. All of you thieves need to get therapy. Oneday you will lose something. Maybe not a cheating husband, maybe an eyeball, a limb, or your illegitimate child. Whatever it is…it will hurt…really bad. And no stolen penis will be able to make up for it.

    Careful now!

  120. Anonymous

    I AGREE with you #416….. EXCELLENT response..totally 100% truth… anything based on a web of LIES and DECEIT .. will soon fail.. that is just a given in our universe.. what goes around comes around a lot quicker, harder!!!!

    I was in a 25 yr. marriage.. we had 4 children together.. and he left me for another woman.. They did not make it for 3 months together…

    She left him for someone a bit younger.. She did not want our children visiting for weekend visitations. too much trouble.. cooking, laundry, baseball practice, etc.. and yes he pays me well for maintenance and child support..He lost our house, and moved in with her in a TINY 1 bedroom apt. THEY are broke..not the lifestyle she had while dating a MARRIED MAN.. she could not handle it..Children are a blessing not a burden… A MOM IS THE MOST REWARDING AND BEST JOB IN THE WORLD…

  121. Anonymous


    You’re an angry thief and you’re mad because he has to pay alimony and child support. If you and your “equal” make 6 figures, these payments shouldn’t make either of you flinch. Not only do you want to steal from another woman, you want to steal from his children also. You’re not fooling anyone.

    YOU are the one who is bitter because she got to bare his children and will ALWAYS have that connection with him and you don’t…maybe you chose the almighy dollar/before motherhood? If that’s the case, how sad for you. You’ll
    have to always find ways to “laugh” at her and demean her in order to try to make it seem like you were justified in stealing and alienating a man from his wife and children. Laughing at housewives might make you feel a little better about yourself? That might work for a while, but one day you’ll still have to face what is going on inside yourself. I’m taking a wild guess here, you’ve filled your life with a career, money, oh and now, someone else’s husband/father. When are you going to fix what is really going on inside of YOU? I think it’s YOU who might need the “good therapist” my dear.

    I don’t know how “attractive ” it is to be a thief who shits on other women…that doesn’t seem “smart ” or “independent” . Can’t you find an available man?

    I feel sorry for women like you. You believe the lies of the cheater and use it to gang up/ pick on and bully the wife. Again, can’t you find and available man? Or is it that the sick and awful void inside of you is killing you.? You tried career and money to fill the void and that didn’t work. ..so now maybe
    the conquest of stealing from another might do the trick?

    A word to the wise, thief….you can’t fix your lack of self esteem by stealing a man and laughing at his ex because your jealous. Youre just the clean up woman. Look at yourself in the mirror and see what a monstrosity you’ve become. Fix yourself first before you point fingers at others. You don’t acquire self esteem by allowing a married man into your vagina.

    Not feeling so smart now huh thief!

    Wait! Shhhhhhh! Is that laughter? The whole world is laughing at you.!!!

  122. Anonymous

    I posted #121 in 2011, since then the love of my life has left, gotten divorced, explained all to his children who are teenagers and I have an excellent relationship with them after taking things very slowly and with a lot of consideration. We are extremely happy – his bitter ex remains a lazy, unmotivated house”wife” who just takes alimony and child support and spends it on herself and her house (which she will no longer be able to afford when it runs out in 8 years). We are very happy 4 years later – we are equals, both make well into 6 figures and look at her as the saddest human being in the world. All she has to grasp onto is stifling her teens independance so she looks like the “good” guy. We laugh at her and all the pathetic ex housewife brigade who made a living out of doing nothing but justifying having kids and neglecting their husbands. Word to the wise ladies – get a job, a good therapist, live your own life and be independent, it’s far more attractive and that’s why we end up with your husbands, encourage your kids to be smarter and more independent and not base our lives on what comes out of our vagina.

  123. Anonymous

    I was in a relationship for 6 years, living together for 4. Of what i thought was a happy relationship, in fact too good to be true (obviously) i felt lucky that i had a man who was good looking and who was honest, moral etc. He was always besotted with me, always the one texting ringing etc. He was always dead against cheaters, slated every one else who did it. We werent married but had been talking about it. He had me pointing out engagement rings just over a month before i found out he was cheating. We was thinking of moving and getting a mortgage, been to look round several houses and chose one we both liked, even went to the bank for a mortgage, again a month before i found out he was cheating. We had a very close knit family and he got on with my family so much they saw him as a son. His family said they loved me as a daughter and couldnt wait for us to get engaged. We went away for xmas as we always do with my family and the dogs. He was quiet all week and distant all week and on his phone a lot. When we go home after xmas he was going out with ‘work’ on an evening, staying over at work later to do a ‘exercise class’ they had put on, and going to the ‘gym’ in the weekend evenings…all things hed not really done before but as he was such an honest person (i thought) i thought nothing of it. As he was quiet and acting a little off he started saying he had problems with his health and thought he was suffering depression, he even booked a doctors appointment. Had me, my family and his family all worried. During this period from xmas to the middle of january although he was sometimes off he was also sometimes very loving and affectionate and we was still having sex etc but he said he thought we was in abit of a rut but that he loved me and wanted to work it out. Days leading up to me finding out he was still saying he loved me more than anything. However i few days later checked his phone and found messages off the other woman. He sobbed, said she didnt mean anything, was someone to talk to out of the loop and even if we split up doesn’t want anything to do with her and that he loves me. I looked her up on facebook and someone of that name was his fb friend and worked with him, he swore it wasnt her it was someone else of that name who worked round the corner. Said hed only been meeting her for a couple of week and only when he was on his lunch at work, never outside of work times. Sais he had no feelings for her what so ever. And yet he went back to his mum n dads for space. A couple of days later he did a massive U-turn and then said his feelings weren’t the same for me anymore but he still doesn’t want this woman. For the following two weeks we were still in contact and he was never at his mum and dads but said he wasnt going out anywhere and was just sat in bored, said hed had no contact with this woman doesn’t want anything to do with her. Said if id not found the texts he would still be with me but would probably still be seeing her. Anyway i then drove to their meeting place one day saw them driving to this cafe they met at and he drove off cowardly and left her to face me. And she was the girl from work he had swore it wasnt. I rang him and he said he was never there, even though i saw him. He then admitted he was there but was ‘meeting other people too’ and admitted it was her from work. He only met this woman from work a month previous to me finding the messages. Since then he has moved out, blocked my number, had no contact with me whatsoever, not apologised, not even faced me, not given me an explanation (as i say i thought we were happy we always got on so well) stopped all post going to the house we lived in, cancelled all payments to our bills etc, bought a new car (only had last one less than a year) gone and got a flat with this other woman (who was by the way married, on her second marriage) in another town where neither of them no anyone (moved in with her less than 3 weeks of living with me), all our friends were mutual they have stopped talking to him and his family have welcomed her in and have been posting cruel things on fb. Me meanwhile is left wondering why and how this could of happened from a man i thought so decent and feeling lost now.

  124. Anonymous

    I’ve read a few of these post and I find many similarities in my life with others on this site. I scoff at those who contribute sarcastic, judgmental, post, obviously they have not endured a miserable marriage! I was married for 21 years to an extremely selfish woman. Yes, like so many marriages in their beginning there was hope and dreams. However, I became the expeditor of her ambition, or lack there of. To those of you who read my words my sin was resentment and a pure lack of respect for my spouse. The last seven years of my marriage all I could do is fantasize about being single and living alone, I never wanted anything to do with another woman, ever! I am a peace officer and I never stepped out on my spouse until after getting shot dealing with drug traffickers. My wife did not care. One month after my injury my mother died and mentally I began preparing to leave. Its a tough decision when there are children involved. One day during all the pretrial defense motioning I met a woman who had worked in the court. I have never met her before, but for some strange feeling during our first encounter the feelings of being alone most of my life were gone. I am a very analytical person so I was very confused about this attraction. Anyway, I come to learn she felt the same way. Over time I had learned she had made the mistake of marrying her rebound boyfriend after a long crappy marriage. She had been married for less than two years when we had met. To illustrate where I was in life at the time, I can say I was honestly not looking for anyone to fulfill any of my needs, I was only relying on myself. I informed this woman my marriage was at its end and I would love to explore our connection if she was going to resolve her rebound marriage mistake. We met September 2010, in November 2010 our relationship became intimate, I was divorced a year later, the key thing in this relationship my marriage was already over, and God knows how hard I tried to keep her happy and interested in us. So for the critics, some people will not respond to efforts of others. Flowers, dresses, cards, house cleaning, dinners out or weekends away, it never worked with my spouse. She was to preoccupied with arguing about why she was so special and did not have to work. To get back to the “amor de mi vida”, I felt it extremely necessary to prove to her that I was serious about being in love, divorce for me was freedom from a witch and to make a relationship valid. I always told her words mean nothing without action, so you know what I say is true. So here we are three years later, she is still married, and I have moved on. I know she is unhappy because I can see it in her face and demeanor. Getting another divorce for her is just to terrifying, and I was delaying my plans. I have read many stories of woman who had affairs and lost their “soul mate” to fear, and guilt. I think thats stupid why stay unhappy so someone else is? Life is messy, I stayed in a shitty marriage to keep kids and the antichrist daughter happy, it got me nothing but lost years of my life, less money in my pension and a deep distrust of women. Even now I plan not to share my life with anyone because for the people who I have met in my life when they say, ” I Love you” it means nothing just words, no more no less.

  125. Anonymous

    My ex took off with his mistress while I was at home with baby. She portrayed to him she was this young fun girl lol she got pregnant straight away and is demanding marriage bearly 23 I have never seen him so miserable in my life. What a mess he has made and all his family think he is a twit. Looks like Divorce number 2 soon and child support for the rests of his life. KARMA

  126. Anonymous

    I was married for seven years with two children. I am now divorced, and started dating a married man. I went out with him to alleviate my feelings of loneliness, and so I could forget the emotional pain from my failed marriage. Then, I realized that I am not comfortable in a hidden relationship. As a result, I talked to him that he and I should not see each other anymore because of how I feel. In the end, someone will eventually get hurt if we continue in this relationship. I started dating a younger man from his work. This man showed off to him by placing his shoulder around me, so he would leave me alone. I regret that I went out with the married man, and for not seeing the bigger picture. I realized the feeling of deperation had placed me in more unwanted situation. I’m not in a real relationship with the other man, but at least he is single. I feel bad for hurting the married man because he made me feel wanted and appreciated. However, I had the thoughts that I need to end the affair because it will only produce NOTHING but UNWANTED result. I’m not proud of what I have done, and I’ll think of the affair as a learning lesson especially when looking FOR A LONG AND LASTING RELATIONSHIP. I learned that I should love myself more by addressing my personal needs first before getting in to relationship.

  127. Anonymous

    407 – Easier said than done when your husband has no desire to be with you physically in the first place and thinks there is nothing wrong with your relationship.

  128. Anonymous

    I have a unique situation. I have been married for 25 years. Last year, I saw on Facebook through my sister’s page (I do not personally have a page) the page of my first love. We dated for two years and he was my first of absolutely everything. We were young when we dated, and that was why we broke up, to date other people (in high school). I knew he lived out of state, and on his page he mistakenly listed his cell number for another person. Seeing it, I innocently texted him to say hello and ask how his family was. We started talking and I learned that he and his wife were separated. Of course, the exchange of phone calls, texts, and e-mails only brought back all those old feelings, and intensified them even more. We had the opportunity to be together on three occasions, and every time I was with him, he made me feel amazing. Part of the problem is that my husband and I had not had sex for 3 ½ years (his doing not mine, as I would always ask. I had also asked my husband to see his doctor to see if it could be low T). This went on for 11 months. Breaking it off has been the hardest thing I have ever done. I really want to be with him. He says he wants to be with me as well. I have two adult children but his are teen and pre-teen. If we were to be together, I would have to give up everything to be with him; and yet I am still considering it. I don’t want to hurt my husband, but I wonder with our past connection, is it something that actually can/will work. I cry every day for this man, and the tears are no less than the first day we decided to stop our communication. I just don’t know if I am fooled by what I can have with this man or not. If so, then how do I move on with my husband?

  129. Anonymous

    407 soooooooo true. It is funny, I was married for 18 years and there were times I was really down on my wife and my marriage. One time I was traveling for business in one of these situations and I was really considering meeting another woman for a date and an expected walk back to my hotel room following for a romp in the hay. I started planning the date in my head and what we’d do and how I’d go to extra effort to sweep her off her feet figuratively and literally. I called ahead at the restaurant we were going and researched their wine selection and asked for seating in advance in a nice part of the restaurant and made sure the waitstaff would treat us like royalty– then I thought of it all and thought “WTH– you don’t go to this kind of trouble for your wife and your dates with her– are you telling me you are gonna do this for a near stranger but not your wife?” I didn’t go on that date and applied the same principle whenever I felt things were stale or I was not getting satisfied with our relationship.

  130. Anonymous

    This is hilarious! You whiny babies! Oh, I don’t see skyrockets, I’m bored….. well, CREATE something instead of an affair!!!

    What excites you in an affair, whether the interests, conversations, the pain and sorrow, why not share it with your spouse?

    Start anew!

    Change what you both don’t like, excite and fire up what you do like! You are supposed to be best friends. Act like it!

    The problem is you not your spouse. You are damaged. Take a long look in the mirror of reality and see what really is!

    Add spice to the bland routine. Be positive, be cooperative, respectful and joyful and things will be as you wish.

    Endings are hard. Don’t eat the dessert before the meal.

    Self control and civility separates use from the animals.

  131. Anonymous

    I’m glad I found this. I have been married over 14 years and have been thinking of leaving for awhile. We have 2 kids and I did not want to put them through the trauma of a separation. I made other changes in my life to see if it could improve the situation and it didn’t. Recently I met someone and it is amazing. In a short time I feel like I have known them forever. I realize I was accepting being unhappy as not being miserable. I also realize I need to leave for me and not for them. While I am still struggling with the decision because of the kids I am glad to see if I do leave I can make the new relationship work.

  132. Anonymous

    I have been married for 8 years. As always we started off in a whirlwind. However we also had plenty of serious arguements. She confided in me when we were dating that she was bipolar and struggled with depression. She had seen therapists and taken medication but always felt that the meds made her feel like a zombie and that she did not beleive that therapy was any help. Of course early on we were very happy, and she was happy it seemed with me. But roughly over the past 5 years it has become an emotional rollercoaster with happy times then arguements to the point of divorce discussions and even mentioning of suicide from her.
    I have tried many times over the past 5 or so years to get her to go to counciling and also to get her to come with me to counciling to help correct or repair the issues in our marriage. She of course has always refused due to her feelings around therapy.
    I have always been a firm beleiver in leave before you cheat. However we have been drifting further and further apart to the point where there is more distance between us than connection. We both question if we love each other anymore or if we are just habit. However when either of us make the move to leave, either fear of the unknown, fear of the loss, or (on my end) fear of what she might consider doing has caused us to stay.
    Over the past 8 months I found myself playing games on my phone that actually allow chatting to your opponent. Through this I began talking to people online and began talking specificly to this one woman. Over the past 3 months the relationship has gotten to be very intense. We share the same ideals, politics, tastes, activities… with the risk of sounding cheesy it seems a perfect match. She is married as well though has not felt connected to her spouse in a long time. She does love him. Because we thought our connection might be false due to it being online we agreed to test it in real life. We met with the intention of just talking and seeing if there was still as strong a feeling. This ultimately ended up with us kissing, but kissing only. We live 9 hrs apart so it was easy to take things slow to just see what would happen… This was until her husband saw a text from me on her phone.
    I have reluctantly told her that I will agree to disappear. She wants to attempt to work on her marriage to see if she can salvage it. I am to the point where I do not think I can salvage mine, although my wife does not know anything. I am trying to decide if I want to confess all… as I know that would end it, or if I want to try to end it more amicably without revealing. I am still completely head over heals for this other woman but am trying to do the right thing by letting her work out her own relationship. We have deleted the apps we used to contact each other and those accounts… The heartbreaking thing is that I know I have to leave her alone but how do I ever move on myself… without knowing if she was able to make her marriage work or if there was a chance for us. So i’m just here in limbo now… a cheater, in a failing marrage, inlove with a married woman… who I quite possibly may never see again (I know I know, break out the violins).

  133. Anonymous

    There is no excuse for adultery of any kind . You made a lifelong committment when you married , for better or worse , good times and bad , richer or poorer. Love changes and evolves the longer you are married . Marriage and love takes committment , loyalty and work and excellent communication . I believe if you are married and loved openly and honestly. Love does not die , it can be rekindled .
    Any woman who enters into an affair with a married man is dis honoring herself and her fellow woman . She is selfish and self centered and delusional thinking he isn’t lying to her and his spouse . I feel the same goes for the man . You do everything you can to save what you have or you dissolve it before you move on . The adulterous husband always rewrites history to justify his behavior ! The ignorant mistress believes him . ! I was married for thirty three years and found out my ex was having an affair for thirteen years maybe longer with a woman who touts her bond with god but destroyed our family . There has been so much grief hurt and abandonment to last a lifetime . How can you cause such pain to the spouse who gave you love loyalty and fidelity for a lifetime ! That’s narcisstic and selfish , !

  134. Anonymous

    My wife left me for her rich boss. We have two children a girl 7 and a boy 4. Her ap is also married with two young kids. He also owns the company she works for. Since the affair started her pay has increase 100 percent. I have not made a ton of money but I’ve always managed to make income while being the one who primarily handles the kids when she travels which is alot. I am in the entertainment industry which is volatile at best but I did have a project launch 2 years ago and when it did we were worth 11 mil on paper. So it’s not like I’ve been sitting on my butt. But since the project lost funding I’ve been struggling to make ends meet. Of course I still have the primary responsibility for the kids because of her schedule. We ended up having to sell the house and when we began the process the other man hit on her an the affair began.

    It’s been devstating to me because for te entire 13 years we’ve felt really great. We’ve had 5 engagement parties for our friends in our backyard. We’ve been in 6 weddings together. We’re god parents to 3 kids together. Basically our lives and marriage has been instrumental in almost all of the friendships in our life and their own relationships. We talked every night for hours. This is not an exaggeration. We both like to have a few drinks after the kids go to bed and unfortunately we also have a few cigarettes. And while we know its a bad habit I always felt the nightly hours of conversation made our marriage as strong as ever.
    So three months ago she gets caught having the affair. It was a total shock. At first she begged me to forgive her which I did, everybody makes mistakes. I told her she needed to cut it off with the guy which she said she would. But they work together and we needed her income. That was a bad decision on my part but stupidly I thought I was still dealing with my wonderful wife. Unfortunately the OM kept persueing her. Even after I called him and told him to back off so I could repair my family which he agreed to do. A month went by and she slowly pulled away putting through he’ll and slowly turning me into a total mess.
    Now we’re divorcing and she’s back to fully communicating with this man. She says he’s getting a divorce as well but it’s complicated because of his finances an the fact neither of them are citizens and she could take the kids back to Australia. She has totally changed. She treats me like crap. Acts like she’s better than me and calls me childish when I exhibit any kind of anger over the situation. But I’m no doormat. I have my attorney on speed dial, and plenty of evidence to wreck her whole professional life if she goes totally insane (who takes naked shots with their face in them???).

    I’d still like to save my family but in my limited experience when someone goes this direction there is no other alternative but for her to see it through. If she stayed shed always wonder what could’ve been with him. When someone makes the decision to withdraw and an affair results their guilt accompanied by the intense feelings from a new relationship make it impossible to go any other way. My depression after the fact only compounds the issue.

    People have said it a million times here. Marriage is a choice. You loved once and well. Life, kids and finances will put any marriage into slumps where one or both think life might be better with someone else. The reality is the cheating spouse is right. Life with someone else who’s new and has no real life issues for you is better. For now. Might even be true love down the road. But just like your current relationship it will have all the normal issues that every relationship that has ended in your life prior have had. That is what marriage is supposed to support. You make a commitment to forgo the new intense relationship cycle to build a lasting relationship with someone you trust and care for. Along the way you will have the same ups and downs that ended other relationships but you’re committed to getting through tough times. When you do you’re better off for it. Your kids are better off for it. I would say your soul is better for it as well. When you leave you may feel better, alot better for a good amount of time, and you might even potentially be happier. But eventually you end up in the same place you’re in now at a crossroads trying to figure out if you should stay or go. Eventually if you’re going to have the relationship that is really fulfilling at some point you’ll need to suck it up and stick it out.

    Hopefully people will read this and make the choice to stick it out before they bust up a wonderful family.

  135. Anonymous

    I agree with the comments on cheating is terrible!!!! it hurts so many innocent people. I have had 2 marriages and both were destroyed by cheating men.. that did not or would not communicate with me. My first marriage I had 3 small children. My second marriage 1 child. but the men and the women that want to participate in the ugly behavior.. are selfish, stupid, and insecure.. and lazy cowards. with crazy egos. and the women my ex’s chose left them both… so cheating does not work.. you are chasing a ghost… I don’t understand why people get married, if they do not want to commit and work on it.. Yes MARRIAGE is work.. but the payoff is well WORTH IT!!! Instead of running from woman to woman.. and from man to man… grow up people.. There are diseases out there, and condoms do break and don’t always work. when do you become mature ADULTS…????

  136. Anonymous

    Thank you 323. Your words made me feel better. I have been married for 16 years and my husband has been having an on and off again affair for about 10 months. I just recently found out that she is pregnant. He says their affair is over, however they have been texting and what is being said shows me they are still having an affair. We don’t live in the same country anymore as the other person. This helps some. My husband is torn between me and our two young kids and this other person that is going to have his baby. He feels he has to keep her “happy” so he can see the baby so he carries on with her. I think it’s a poor excuse. I have given a dead line for him to make things right before I make the decision to leave. What I mean by making things right is, either telling this other person that he is focusing on me and our marriage and will be there only for the child, or tell me he wants to be with her and their new baby or he wants to be by himself.
    Yes my husband is to blame for allowing this person into our lives, however I do put some blame on her too. She knew he was married with kids. I even had several talks with her and asked her why would she get involved with a married man. She told me her heart is more important than my marriage. Through some emails I read, she says she is concerend about my husband’s children. This angered me!!! She is not concerned. Why would she come into my family and try to pull apart my kids family? She is selfish. She tells my husband that if she can’t be with my husband that she wants him to sign away his parental rights. Then the next week she says she doesn’t want the child and wants to give it up for adoption. When my husband says he will raise the child, she says she doesn’t want him to have it. While all this craziness is going on my husband is still calling her, emailing her and texting her telling her he loves her and misses her. And she is doing the same. Then next week it will be different again.
    I am so hurt. Cheating hurts everyone!!! Including extended family. Our families are hurt by this whole thing. If you are not happy with the person you are with then leave. Be honest and have enough respect and love in your heart to tell your spouse you no longer want to be with them. You owe it to your spouse to tell them the truth. If you are thinking about getting involved with a married person. Don’t!!! Let the married person get out out of their marriage first. Have enough respect for yourself and the person you so called love to let them do what they need to do for their happienss. Don’t be selfish. It’s hurts too many lives including your own.

  137. Anonymous

    Agree with the last comment. That girl needs to back off and stop trying so hard to wreck people’s lives he’s married! And he’s someone’s husband! Geez

  138. Anonymous

    This is for 398, you need to get out the way, and let them work it out and/or get the divorce. But that is their business. stay out until they decide what they want. He is married!

  139. Anonymous

    I am in a relationship with a married man. He has been married for 21 years courted her for 2 years before … they were high school sweethearts … they have 2 kids one 17 and the other 7 … they have been emotionally disconnected with each other for about 8 – 10 years and did everything to revive things … the 2nd kid was the outcome of this, they dint plan on… I met this man a year ago through work and we just spent the night talking n holding each other before he flew back home. we have since been together virtually for just over a year, absolutely emotionally connected. he came down to see me after a year of being together and we clcked magically as we always had .. we know each other pretty well as we spend a lot of time … he went back n confessed to her hoping she would end things simply because they fight and hold on to past financial mistakes(mostly her) and that causes never ending arguments .. they went through counselling etc but dint work. now that he has confessed she wants them to start on a clean slate and if things went back to old ways they would end it is what is agreed. although she is doing everything she possibly can physically and emotionally to make him stay n she knows how weak he is about emotions … he has decided to give her this last chance to fix things and I am hopelessly holding on to this knowing they are going to make it work as he wouldn’t let go unless she does and she wouldn’t as there is a lot at stake, family, kids, financials, social commitments etc. I did decide to wait to see how it goes but doesn’t help me in anyway … while he talks to me he is very clear he loves me and wants to be with me but the moment he goes to her he does everything she asks for … including limiting contact with me . she wants him to absolutely stop talking to me .. he has told her he loves me and wont be able to switch off straight away … and she gets that … but this isn’t easy for me as I am absolutely and entirely in love and I know he is too but I also know he loves her and wants to come to me only if she lets go and he gives her all the honest chance she deserves since the confession … Help !

  140. Anonymous

    #65 – Then LEAVE if your marriage isn’t enough for you, but DON’T drag other people into it – especially if the other person also has a spouse. No one is telling you you have to stay.

  141. Anonymous

    I was married for 8yrs, had cervical cancer stage 3b last yr and all trough the treatment and before it my so called husband was having an affair. We have two young kids and 6wks after I finished treatment, which entailed 2mths in hospital away from my family the scum walked out and went straight to live with the whore he was having an affair with.So don’t give excuses for infidelity and man up, grow a bloody pair and leave if you aren’t happy. Cowards take the easy way out and leave others to pick up the pieces of the mess they leave behind.

  142. Anonymous

    I really really really need some advice! I have been married for 3 years and we have a 2 year old. I have been unhappy in this marriage for a while. I love the caring side of my husband that comes through every now and then and I know he loves me, would never leave me or cheat on me. When we met we fell in love so fast, got engaged and married within a year, and had our son 6 months later. We have been struggling to make each other happy for a long time and I keep trying to tell my husband what I need from him to be happy however he does not make any effort to make me happy. Im not sure if this is just a phase but it has been going on for a long time. he can be so nasty to me but I am to him too. there is so much anger and hate in this marriage yet I feel like I still love him but now it is unbearable. He is older than me and wants to live a different life than I do. I am adventurous and spontaneous whilst he is a homebody. I want someone who shares these passions with me. the only passion he has is weed and video games. he is so wrapped up in his own head and I cant get through to him. he had a very tough childhood and he continually tells me that this is why the way he is. I keep telling him im miserable and he is now in therapy to try and get himself together. but I think in my heart that its too late for me. I have told him I want him to move out so we can separate for a while. This is where my big problem comes in. I am currently having an emotional affair with a friend I have known for 4 and a half years. We almost got together once but he had to move away. we speak all the time, several times a day. he listens to me and cares for me and my welfare. I cant remember the last time my husband made me feel cared for. I have very low self esteem and I think my husband reinforces this by his lack of interest in me. he is negative and drags me down. I want to be understanding and give him a chance since he is the father of my child but at the same time, the thought of spending the rest of my life with him is so depressing to me. I know I am never going to have the kind of life I want. unless he changes drastically. I am about to start therapy to try and figure all of this out because I don’t want to make a mistake. I know my husband truly loves me despite my flaws and im worried my friend will find out all my flaws and change his mind. do I risk this for a chance at happiness? we have so much in common, a similar outlook on life and similar goals. he makes me feel happy and positive for the future.He is coming to visit in a month so I am going to separate from my husband soon and do some soul searching and see what happens when my friend gets here. It terrifies me to think I am falling in love with him. I don’t want anyone to get hurt but I know it will destroy my husband to lose his family. I almost want him to meet someone else so I can leave without guilt. When I tell people we are having problems they all say well once you have a child its really hard but you will work it out. but im not sure we will. ive lost all hope with him. can anyone give me their opinion on this? it is hard to be objective when I am so confused.

  143. Anonymous

    This is an interesting article…

    I met my current girlfriend about 8 months ago through work. She was 19 years old and had just gotten married to a 32 year old through the Mormon Church… Yikes right?! Her family is composed of strong adherents to that particular faith and his is as well… She struggled with the religion most of her life and couldn’t swallow it until she was going through a very lonely period in her life where the “Happy Go Lucky” Mormons swooped in and caught her up… Within less than two months she was engaged to this guy.

    I had just gone through a divorce and had moved back to my hometown as a result. One night about 5 months ago and at work, one of my co workers pulled me aside and said that I should talk to “A” because she’s struggling with something very similar to what I had. Lo and behold after several long , completely platonic conversations I had discovered that this girl was working 60-70 hours a week and supporting her husband who was working 4 hours a week then drinking and smoking pot during the rest of the week. She never had a physical attraction to him, couldn’t even get turned on by sex with him and he blew most of their savings on music equipment because he selfishly had stars in his eyes.

    As we got to know each other better on a friendly level we both started to fall for each other over the next month or so. She is extremely attractive and often says that she feels the same way about me, plus we connect and communicate on a extremely deep and comfortable level… I’ve never felt anything like it.

    She eventually kicked him out of the house and we started seeing each other on a pretty regular basis.. 5-6 times a week; however, whenever I was with her I would notice her phone blowing up with calls and text messages often in the middle of the night… Sometimes I would wake up to her texting on the phone right next to me. She started to withdraw from me, which made me feel very insecure.

    One morning while she was asleep I snooped in her phone and found not only text messages between her and her husband “I miss you”… “God meant for us to be together”… “”You can fall in love with me over time” (him… Although she also said that she missed him; however, as a friend in her life)… But I also found flirty texts to another guy…I approached her and she dismissed everything as out of context, assured me that she was in love with me and over the next week I struggled with the thought that her heart was elsewhere and religious pressures were getting to her.

    One night at the end of that week… We were texting on the phone and she seemed distracted, quick and there were long intervals between texts… I knew something was going on. She was staying at her parents house and I drove over there to find her husband’s car in the driveway… I blew up because that morning we had made love and she had continued to string me along through that night.

    After a week of struggling with whether or not she wanted to go back to her husband, and continually lying about seeing him to me… she chose to commit to me. She said that she had never felt this way about someone else, she was intensely physically attracted to me and didn’t want to lose what we both are convinced is a deep and profound love of each other… She told me tht her family and religious pressures had surmounted long assaults on her and the thought that I would never trust her hurt her so bad that she had gone back to him.

    Well now we are a month later and we have both fully committed ourselves to each other but I am having issues trusting her even in the littlest things. She goes a a friends house and I don’t believe that is where she’s going, she goes for a drive while I’m finishing up work and all I think is that she’s off with some other dude. I talk to her about my feelings and sometimes I’ll become really accusatory and upset… This makes her start balling her eyes out and she says that it devastates her hen I assume she’s not committed to me. She told me awhile back that when her husband asked if she was seing someone else that she straight up told the truth the first time. Everytime I ask her she says that I’m the only one.

    How can I get to a place where I no longer put this love in jeopardy? Will time together heal this? Should we end this because it can never work? Does anyone have similar experiences or stories?

  144. Anonymous

    For the most part I have always had someone special in my life. Oddly enough I have always felt alone.

    My last significant relationship ended three years ago after being together for seven and the last year we were engaged to be married. She ended it with me one night while we were lying in bed together when I asked her if we should send out save the date cards. I hadn’t taken much initiative in the wedding planing previously and even then I understood that my question couldn’t have been more loaded.
    She wasn’t ready to be honest with me and began to tell me that she wasn’t ready to get married but didn’t want to lose me. The next two months I tried to correct everything that was wrong with our relationship, which was pointless.
    She avoided me unless she needed something from me. I finally got the chance to talk to her and we just sat next to each other silently on our deck chain smoking until I asked her why? She couldn’t even make eye contact when she began to list a few vague reasons why we were not going to make any further effort to repair our relationship. I started to make my plea and then I noticed that she had no intention of trying any longer.
    I asked her if she had found someone else, she started crying and nodded her head yes. I immediately blurted out his name and she denied it and told me a bunch of lies to divert my attention from him, but I knew exactly who it was.
    I calmly asked for my ring back and she started crying uncontrollably. At the time I couldn’t understand why.
    Once she calmed down I told her I was planing on moving out at the end of the month and I insisted that we slept in separate beds going further.
    I was devastated and my whole world was falling apart.
    I took a hard, honest look at myself and realized I wasn’t the least bit happy and I was the only person that could change that. I started exercising and worked on improving what I could and tried to be at peace with the problems could not fix. The next three weeks were hell but I found another place to live and I continued to work on feeling better. At first I would wake up every night a few hours after I attempted to go to sleep in my bed soaked with sweat and unable to go back to sleep. I didn’t have any contact with my ex for about six months and the one day I got a text asking when I was going to remove the rest of my belongings from her home. I sent her a reply stating that since she refused to discuss what was mine and what was hers before I moved out, I simply took what I thought was fair and had no intentions of coming back. I asked her to never contact me again.
    The following months I fantasized what our next interaction would be like, I wanted to show her that wasn’t the same person that was so easily deceived. I made several positive changes in my life and met some one new and after a while just didn’t think about it so much anymore.
    The funny thing is on my second anniversary ( falls on the home opener for the Braves, yeah my new girlfriend is super awesome) we went to the game and had a great time. The next day I got a call from a mutual friend that works with my ex and she informed me that I made eye contact with my ex and ran away. I laughed and told our friend that I hadn’t noticed her at all. At that moment I knew everything had worked out the way it was always meant to be. I knew that she no longer had any power over me and I was a better person than I was before what I perceived was the worst moment in my life.
    As far as I know her relationship is going well, so I guess good came from her affair.

  145. Anonymous

    Im in a shitty situation as well. Married to my wife for 9 years and together for 16. We have two wonderful children 11 and 6 and on april 31 2013 I caught my wife red handed in his house in bed with him. I knew something was off for over a month because when you know someone. ..you know someone. I knew she was doing something bur couldn’t confirm so I reluctantly bought a gps unit and tagged her car. Started asking simply how is your day and where are you? She started getting ULTRA defensive and saying why am I investigating so much!? Really? You used to say I never call you during the day and used to tell me EVERYTHING you did that day now only one word answers. Come to find out I was right and after 2 days of crying and begging her not to break up my family. ..she became unremorsful and cruel…like I spoiled her fun. Wtf. Im no perfect man but if she talked to me I would have done ANYTHING to make it right. She has a personality that is never satisfied and after getting her RN license and landing a corporate job as a professional liason for hospice..she fell into the trap. Always dressed up sexy and going to luncheons and meeting people because that’s what her job entailed. She is 32 I am 36 and we have just come to a point where life is easier now that she makes good $$ and is contributing in a big way now to our family and im sooo proud of her. So why the affair!?? Claimsbi was verbally abusive to her and yes I have a potty mouth but damn…I don’t deserve this. She comes from a broken family and her mom has done the same to her father..and her father has never been around for her…I know she’s hurt.My 11 year old son is devastated as now he thinks mom lies about everything. ..which she kind of does because she moved everything out of our house into her moms and is continuing a sexual full blown (but still kind of secretive because she hasn’t told everyone) relationship with this man doing threesomes and all kinds of stuff. I know. Ive recorded conversations and everything. ..down to video footage of her from a p.i. because I suspected drug use. I am demoralized to the point of just saying f it and killing them both but I cant because of my children. They need a strong true parent to see them through this while mommy is not mommy and is living a single life. I told my wife I dont believe in divorces and if she wants out she can start papers. She does nothing so im taking charge as hard as it is and I started paperwork. Ive gotten a new townhouse that I move into in two weeks and have served her papers. She asks “why are you rushing”!? Omg really!? Im not a doormat..I love my wife unconditionally but to be lied to pathologically and be continually slapped in the face like this with no remorse for me or my children. ..I gotta go…but I still in my heart ache to death that she wants to leave. I love her to death and I said I was rushing because I cant take it anymore. I can still look in the mirror and go to sleep at night and more importantly look into my children’s eyes and see that they know who is the truthful one and the one who is protecting them the most. Kills me to see my children so hurt. I love my wife..she should’ve at least given it a chance instead of bailing..no commitment

  146. Anonymous

    Hi 390. This is 384. First of all, I am very sorry about what your wife did. Thank you for your advice. I have taken a step back and am focusing on loving myself. I realize that things won’t work out with my husband as long as my love is involved and I realize things won’t work out with my love if I don’t face issues within myself first. I am trying to figure out what the best thing for me is. My heart tells me to go be with my love. He is calling me with his heart. I feel him every moment of every day. My husband wants what is best for me even if it doesn’t end up being him in the end. We have talked more in the past month than we have in a year. We realize we made many mistakes in our marriage that ultimately led us to this point. So, 390….yes, I want to be able to look in the mirror and know I did everything I could do before I move on with my life. My love doesn’t understand if I love him so much why I’m not with him. I have explained to him that when I come to him, it will be with an open heart and a clear conscience. We are not talking right now because he knows I have to work through this on my own. My longing for him will never go away. Once again, thank you for your words. I hope you have a good life.

  147. Anonymous

    To both of you above my wife had an affair on me. We divorced VERY quickly after my discovery of the affair and I think it had been an EA for only a month or so and they happened to be in the same group that went on an Int’l trip together where it turned physical.

    The short of it is you should see my ex’s eyes these days. She married her soul mate of course after we got divorced. People stop me and ask me whats the matter with your ex is she sick? I don’t know. We don’t talk. Her husband is 4 years younger than me. He looks 4 years older. Just think about this stuff is all I am saying. Just think. They don’t seem to be enjoying their new life together and they have been together for 4 years now.

  148. Anonymous

    Hey 384, this is 385, again. You’re welcome. We’re in a similar situation, so I felt I wanted to help you, as well.

    It’s a difficult road, but I’m sure we’ll both do what is necessary to make everything better. Best of luck to you, on your journey. I really do hope it works out in a way that makes it better for everyone involved.

  149. Anonymous

    Hi Number 385. This is 384 again. Thank you so much for your words of advice. I know what you are saying is right. I just have so much time invested that it is hard to walk away. I never want to disappoint or hurt anyone and that seems to be all I am doing lately. I know I will make the right decision for me. I don’t want to cause my husband or my love any further pain, so this has to end soon. Thanks again and best of luck to you. I wish I knew you in real life!

  150. Anonymous

    Hey number 384, this is 385.

    I know it’s hard, especially after all these years. But, it would be better to leave. Your husband doesn’t want you to, but it would be better for both of you if you did. Unless he can deal with sharing you with another man (and assuming your love could deal with that, too) then it would be better to divorce, than to keep holding on, just to make everyone else happy.

    After all, you can’t make other people happy, if you yourself, are not happy. You can, to a certain extent…but it wears down with time. Your unhappiness will eventually put a shroud over everything else; it’s not something you can help, unless you change the way things are, now.

    There’s nothing easy about the decision, and it will take time to heal…but in this case, I really think it’s the best thing you can do. It’s not good for your health, and even though your husband is being understanding, he doesn’t know the whole story. The affair isn’t fair to him, or your love. And by extension, because it’s been so difficult for you, it’s not fair to you, either.

    I wish you the best in your endeavour. Mine will come to an end as soon as humanly possible. I can’t live this double life forever; I can’t continue to cause misery to my husband, nor myself; I can’t expect my affair partner to keep waiting, either. Yes, I’ll need time, between the divorce and entering a new relationship…but, I am set on being with him. After all the struggle of trying to hold on and make things better in my legit relationship, I know there’s no more that can be done. It’s not my husband’s fault, and regardless of my affair, I’d still need to go down this course. At the end of this course, I want to take a chance with my AP. If it works, all the better. If not, at least I won’t be causing further pain to my husband. He deserves more than that.

    I’m sure if you think in those terms about your husband, you’ll come to a decision. Also, I recommend joining a site called Loveshack.org. I joined it a few days ago, and it’s done a world of good; especially with all the stuff I can’t tell to anyone else. Maybe it can help you, too.

  151. Anonymous

    Number 385….this is number 384…thank you for your words. Just when I think I know what I’m going to do, things get more complicated. My husband came home and said I should go see my guy. He would even buy my plane ticket. He doesn’t understand it, but he knows it is tearing me apart. I haven’t seen my love for 37 years, so my husband thinks if I just go see him, I will realize that he isn’t for me and then maybe we have a chance. He doesn’t realize that my love and I have had a connection all of our lives. He doesn’t know that we Skype and we already know we have something too good to let go. BUT, then my family gets involved and tells me they can’t believe I would do this to my husband. They tell me I must be mentally ill because they don’t recognize me anymore. I feel like I am thinking clearly for the first time in my whole life! The truth is, I have been missing something in my life for so long. I didn’t know what it was until I got in contact with my old friend. My husband kept buying me things to make me happy. It worked for a while, but I still felt empty. I know how it sounds. I can’t stand being this person. I just want to be happy and stop living my life for everyone else. My mom says I am very selfish and I should be ashamed for letting my husband do all the nice things he has done for me. He wanted to do those things for me. I just don’t know where this is going to go. I know what I want to do. I am taking one day at a time. My family thinks I have no regard for my husband’s feelings. They are so far off. He is my cherished friend. I wish I could feel more for him, but that feeling has been gone for many, many years. I stayed because it was the right thing to do. Do I really have to continue living my life like this? It is so nice to hear that someone understands the anguish I feel. So, those of you who say I should leave because it’s not fair to my husband…..my answer to you is…He doesn’t want me to leave! He doesn’t want a divorce. He wants me. I am staying right now to please everyone else….not me. It I did what I wanted to do, I would pack my bags and go to my friend….I wouldn’t look back…only ahead.

  152. Anonymous

    Number 384…I feel you. At one point, I had a black-and-white view of affairs. I am a product of an affair (bio dad was married, mom was single), and to this day, I still hate that fact.

    I’ve been with the same man for eight and a half years; we got married at the eight-year mark, and broke up on two occasions: 4 years into our relationship, and again at the six year mark. Seven years in, I got back in contact with an old school friend. I’d had a crush on him back in the day, but I didn’t think any feelings had lasted. I wasn’t sure why I had gotten in contact with him, but periodically over the years, I had thought of him. Mostly fleeting thoughts, so that’s what I initially attributed my need to talk to him with.

    Anyway, a few months into talking, he and I wound up having an affair. We’ve done so four times, since, and even when we don’t see each other, we have a lot of…questionable conversations. I’m still shocked by my own actions. Believe me when I say, infidelity is something I NEVER would have done at any other point in my relationship, even surrounding the break ups.

    Now, I understand that the beginning feelings, the “cloud nine” effect, can and will wear off. But the fact of the matter is, this friend and I have gone through hell and back since this all started. I’m someone he always wanted to be with, but never had the chance to tell me until recently (we had lost contact after school, and until last year, couldn’t find each other). He dated someone else, a few months in, which nearly broke me. The back and forth with our shadow relationship has taken quite a toll.

    Six years into my legit relationship, my now husband woke up, after a night of drinking (he’s in the military, and was several hours away at the time) in someone else’s bed. We don’t know for certain he actually cheated, but he told me to treat it as such.

    I feel twice as guilty, knowing he told me the truth instantly, and yet, I haven’t told him anything. I feel terrible, in the fact I’m being unfaithful…it feels wrong, when I think of that…but it feels so right, when I’m with this person.

    Now, the infidelity aside, there has been talk of divorcing my husband, and once the dust settles (I expect there will be a lot; even if no one knows about the affair, I expect many friends and family members to be critical-something that makes the decision more daunting). My husband has known for several months how I feel about this other person, and knows that things may very well end between us. Like the article pointed out, I do have an attachment to my current relationship, and there’s certainly fear of leaving him, of the hurt that will follow for both of us. I do care for him…a great deal. But I feel my love for my friend is not temporary, and that if I don’t take a chance on a new relationship, I’ll regret it.

    He and I both came to the conclusion we were meant to be together; even my husband thinks the same…and yet, he feels I am the only person meant for him. This literally breaks me, on so many levels. But, I can’t end the affair; I can’t give up on my friend…

    When I got married, it was ill-timed. I had reservations, so yes, it was foolish of me to enter into matrimony. My husband knew this, too. I don’t blame him, but he does bear some of the responsibility. For the better majority of our relationship, we’ve been struggling. My fire for him died out quickly, even though I still love him. We have a five-year-old daughter, which further complicates things. I can’t stay; I know I can’t. It wouldn’t be fair to me, my daughter, nor my husband; I’d still be pining for another. I know this, for a fact.

    I’ve never been more lost in my life…so to those of you who have a black and white view? Please, grow up. Understand that no part of this is easy…yes, some affairs are extremely fool-hardy. People who specifically target married men or women are despicable…but what if the person you truly love just happens to be taken? What if you’re with someone because you started young, and really believed it would be forever…only to realize the person who would make you happiest isn’t your partner? I’m not saying I condone cheating…but nor can I condemn it, now that I’ve been there. I want to confess to my husband…but at the same time, I’m scared. Not for me, but for him…I hate deception, but once it was started…I knew not how to stop it.

  153. Anonymous

    383…yes, I have faced what I am doing. I am cheating on my husband by having an emotional affair. I have googled to my heart’s content. I hear what you’re saying. You are right about everything. Does that make you feel better? Because the truth is, if I felt all right about what I was doing, I wouldn’t go to the trouble of responding to you. Have you ever looked at the other side? Obviously, this happens to many people. Are you saying that everyone who has cheated or wants to cheat is a bad person? I think that’s what you’re saying. Well, I believe that people make mistakes and that doesn’t make them bad people. I am a good person. I am staying right now to make everyone else happy. My husband chooses to let me stay. I have been completely honest with him. I am in the process of trying to find happiness in other ways since I know I will probably never get to be with my true love because of judgmental people like you. Don’t you think the people cheating feel anguish? I know I do. I don’t expect you to understand. Thanks for your comments.

  154. Anonymous

    382 yes that’s also a standard issue justification from many cheaters. The “I am a really good person but I have always taken care of others and never myself until now the first time.” The funny thing is that what you are doing is not rocket science–I would guess that many of the things you have said to yourself and to your husband are phrases you could google and come up with direct hits of anguished people who’ve been told the same by their spouses. Its just a really simple template. Search phrases like “I love you but I am not IN LOVE with you and “we have simply grown apart” and things like. Every time I have a friend that is getting a divorce and was told by their spouse “I love you but I am not IN LOVE with you I cringe knowing their is a freight train barreling down on them and that their spouse is running around on them and being unfaithful.

    Bottom line–how about just facing up to what you are doing and calling it what it is. You are cheating on your spouse and causing someone you purport to care about harm.

  155. Anonymous

    #380….this is 379….you are absolutely right. I am very familiar with the old adage “once a cheater, always a cheater”….I am not being a coward. This is the first time in my life that I am owning up to issues that I have never addressed. That takes courage. Everything is out in the open with my husband. He recognizes that things are not right in our marriage and he is supporting me in whatever I decide. If you knew me, you would be shocked that I am doing this. I am a person who has always taken care of everyone else. In the process, I forgot to listen to what I need. So, instead of judging and calling names, just be happy for yourself that you are so perfect.

  156. Anonymous

    Wow, that is a little harsh. I recognize the adage “once a cheater, always a cheater.” That is why I am struggling with this so much. I didn’t go out and look for an affair. I didn’t even realize it was one until I started reading about it. I am not a bad person. I find it so interesting how judgmental people are. Wait until it’s you or your daughter….then you might understand. I am not using my husband as a safety net. I don’t want a safety net. Don’t you get it? I’m self destructive. That is why I am seeing a counselor. My husband is a good man and I have always been true to him. Sometimes, people just grow apart. He is being very patient with me and I have been very honest with him about my feelings. So, I will do what is right for all involved. I think this forum is a great place for people to express their feelings. I wasn’t looking for your approval….or judgment….I get enough of that already.

  157. Anonymous

    to 379 the adage “once a cheater always a cheater” seems to come to mind.

    As for what’s wrong with that– here is what is wrong in my book. If your marriage is empty and you aren’t attracted to the guy then be a real person and get out. Then go find happiness in yourself or others or whatever you need. All you are doing is being a coward and using your husband as a safety net until a new safety net comes into the picture.

  158. Anonymous

    I have been married for 25 years to a wonderful man. Our marriage has been good, even though it started off as an affair. We were both married to other people and I got pregnant with his baby. We divorced our spouses and married each other. We get along well, but we have never had a sex life. We haven’t had sex for at least four years. I am not attracted to him in that way. I have been having an online emotional affair with a childhood friend. I want to leave and be with him. Our daughter is grown and the man I am communicating with has never been married. He has been waiting for me his whole life. I know it sounds crazy, but it’s true. I have started counseling because I recognize I am seeking happiness in others instead of within myself. It doesn’t change how I feel, though. My family knows I am having an emotional affair and they will not stand behind me if I leave my husband. My husband is supportive of me finding myself and he doesn’t want me to stay because I feel sorry for him. I know I shouldn’t have let myself get into this situation, but it is too late. I am in love and I want to be happy. What is wrong with that?

  159. Anonymous

    Affairs are wrong bottom line. There is a lot of hopeful people here justifying their affairs looking for confirmation….if there is outright beating ok…some emotional abuse can be too subjective…love is what you water….the other plant isn’t greener…you just think it is…you affair seekers only want newness…fresh air…there is no loyalty anymore….its till death due us part…not until your lame excuse due us part…you have an affair and your selfish bottom line….

    Let me give you a loyalty example….general…I sold the secrets to the Russians because I was following my heart…

    General…no you weren’t…you sold the secrets to the Russians because you wanted to enrich your selfish ass..

  160. Anonymous

    #376….Leave your husband first or kick him out..one of the two. You need to work on yourself before you become involved in another relationship. I understand your attraction to this man, but this will lead to a really bad situation for you. He is UNAVAILABLE!

  161. Anonymous

    Married someone I thought I loved deeply and vice versa. Our lives together seemed good, sex was good, but then I realized there was NO DEPTH, I needed more than just to be his housewife and his whore (seriously). In the 4th year of marriage my husband hit me in the face for getting mad at one of he kids. I was devistated. I forgave after some time. The marriage was still missing something ? I wanted to talk, be friends, do things together. We had no similar likes, nothing that interested us both. When I tried to talk about it he told me we would never be friends. EVER. Then the name calling and swearing had started, for years I was (and still am) every bad word u could think of. Just for stupid things like letting the dog out of the yard accidentally. My self esteem, happiness, every thing good seems gone. We have 3 beautiful, wonderful kids, that is why I stay. Recently an old friend (short lived bfriend, we were not heavily involved but liked eachother a lot) came into picture and we correspond all the time (he is unhappily married 15 years, no kids and lived 2000 miles away) and he thinks we should meet. We are quite intimate over the phone and texting, I’ve held nothing back. We have a deep connection, understand eachother and want and like similar things. I feel like a teenager again with him! I’m worried about giving in to the temptation of sex, relationship prematurely but don’t want to past this up. My marriage is in very shaky grounds, no talking, no sex, no love. I have no relationship and don’t think I want one with husband any more? I think I deserve to be happy in this life but I do not want to hurt anyone. (Btw- when I told the befriend we could meet but no physical anything he was ok with it, he was always a gentleman and respect just another reason why I like him so.)

  162. Anonymous

    For those of my friends that have had an affair or were contemplating it–if I knew about it and they said “I just couldn’t help it” my response is simply,”If you knew I would kill your children for if you have/had this affair could you help it?” Of course the answer is yes so now it all really is reduced to the least common denominator of the priorities you place on your spouse and the mother or father of your children. Really folks it IS THAT simple. Let’s not make it more glorified or twist it into something it is not. It is a grown person making the willful choice to injure their children when children are involved.

    Have you ever heard the saying that you should never say negative things about your ex or soon to be ex? That’s because doing so hurts your children because no matter what that other parent has done he/she is a part of the children and to tear down their parent tears them down too. So do you think to cheat on their parent and emotional rip them apart you don’t do the same to the children. You say they won’t find out– they ALWAYS find out.

    Have fun rationalizing your actions. This is a permanent stain on your soul that you will carry forever.

  163. Anonymous

    I have suffered as a person with a bad childhood due to my dad’s adultery and the victim as a wife in a military marriage (I was the one away) although he went before too. I believe that as a child I suffered more as a whole because when you are young and look up to adults and have to move due to divorce and deal with your mother’s heartache it is even harder than being an adult. I have had trust issues my whole life. My dad was the good guy in town that coached my softball team and was always there. When she came along he spent no time with us and eventually it was once every two months as he moved away with her. He became enraged because of his guilt. It was scary. My mom was a very passive person and did not even provoke argument despite knowing his sins. I could see a good man become engulfed by the devil in him. Scary. Same with my husband. Incredibly defensive, irritable, and unhappy. Adulterers are selfish and impulsive but yes they are humans. Feelings do not magically happen when you meet someone. You have to start inappropriate intimacy immediately for it to happen. Some people just don’t turn off the switch. My dad’s mother had died. The gold digger knew to move in. They pretend to be “therapists” who care, the good gal in disguise. Yet, you’d lose your license if you did it in the office setting. Taking advantage of people in emotional circumstances is not an “innocent” person who just happened to fall in love. Unless, you didn’t know the guy was married, it wasn’t an accident. And even if you didn’t but you found out and continue, you are a bad person in my book. Excuse excuse. Sin is sin. People make mistakes, yeah but destroying a family is disgusting, unethical, selfish, and shameful. People in America just don’t respect marriage and very few people have devotion to God. Plain and simple. Why do you think they call us infidels over there? As a soldier I can tell you what most of the world thinks of this place. I don’t see why they have to take it out on innocent people though. If you are in a relationship and unhappy be respectful enough to end it or separate on trial. I don’t want to share a tootbrush with a stranger or lick their plate in restaurant. So sharing bodily juice is just about the most disturbing you can go. I got checked for disease right away even though he still claims nothing physical. Yuck. What’s weird is wives don’t know getting double dipped but the mistress does. Ew. What a weirdo!

  164. Anonymous

    Maybe humans are not meant to be monogomous?

  165. Anonymous

    To everyone on this site looking for the excuses to “have your dreams”: Do you all realize that I do not have any faith in marriage for the same self centered, Lame!, excuses you’ve all said her. Your heart is breaking cause you can’t just throw the person who’s been beside you and built a life with you, AWAY! “Hey, guys, I’ve used up everything this relationship has and now I want to tap someone who still has something to give”. My words are not anger, they are fact. The excuse of “anger” is just and excuse. I do not envy your selfishness, your cowardess, your desire to point the finger at your partner. If you are cheating in mind, body OR Spirit, you are a louse. Plain Louse! Wear your colors proud you louse!

  166. Anonymous

    Well my financial side has just about been sorted, I cried, I suppose I thought he might have wanted to try for a reconcilliation, but it looks like he can’t wait to get shut of me & his sons.
    The days I have sat & cried ,trying to figure out what it was that I did so wrong, it has helped so much reading posts on this site, it is my bolt hole for sanity, as so many times I get to thinking it has all been my fault, yes we were having troubles, I wasn’t as tentative as I had been, but 30 years with a control freak leaves you a bit depleted.
    It’s only when you see other people putting their points across, that they had been treated as dreadfully as yourself, & it has been by the actions of their selfish partners, that it puts things into prespective & you realise that how you have been traeted, is the same as others, your story isn’t unique, unfortunately, you just married someone with little morals.
    I miss him, but then I sit & think, I would not really want him back now. I have no one else in my life, he left me a year & a half ago, & I have never looked at anyone else since he went.I just feel betrayal & jealousy, because he has walked away leaving his family in a run down property that paupers would turn their noses up at, with no financial backing for his family, whilst he has moved in with a wealthy woman, with a lovely home, holidays half way round the world when ever the fancy takes them, nice cars & no financial worries what so ever. It just hurts so much, I know I sound really bitter, & I keep telling myself I am getting over what has happened to me & my family, & I know that this makes me sound a totally awful person, BUT, I really hope that they are not happy, I hope that the 12 year gap in their ages becomes a big issue, as she is 46 & he is 58, I hope he has the same heart ache he has given me & his sons, I can not believe how much he has changed, he always talked to all the women he had affairs with in the past, after they had finished their relationships, but his family of 30 years, he has dropped like dead ducks, & doesn’t ring or call round to see any of us.It is as though he wants to totally break us all, he wants to leave us with absolutely nothing, so that he can tell people that we couldn’t cope without him, & we are nothing & deserve nothing. The longer we have managed to survive with out him, the more he has tried to crush our family, & the more his sons hate him.I just hope people see him for what he really is, & hope she either gets the same tratment that I have put up with for 30 years, or gets fed up with his miserable ways & dumps him, but he always seems to come up smelling of roses, so I think he will live out the rest of his days in complete comfort & in love with his new woman, whilst his family struggle to make a living. Such is life, I wish it was better for me, but my future doesnt look bright,I have so often thought of quitting, but then that is just a cry for help, as I could not do that to my 2 sons, they deserve better, & they have gone through as much as me,if not more, their Dad used to beat them terribly, & I was too weak to stand up to him. I hate myself for so many reasons, but I chose my husband, our sons didn’t ask to come into this world, & it wasn’t their choice to have my husband as their father. I owe it to them to try & make up for my weakness now their Dad has walked out on us all, for the love of his new partner.I just hope all this hatred & pain goes, as I was always a happy easy going person, now I have turned into a bitter old woman, with no trust in her fellow man, & even less of women, who tell you they always get what they want!!!!!!

  167. Anonymous

    I all most have to laugh if it wasn’t so sad at all the miss-guided people out here that think having an affair is the answer to their happiness. From the man that first commented and has admitted to having several affairs and now wants to know how his current mistress can be happy at home and still be interested in him to one of the last ones that said let’s just take the ride and see where it takes us. Well the answer to were its going to take you is right in the article but of course you don’t want to see that.. You are in the “haze” of affair bliss. No one else matters, what you read about the pain that is going to ensue doesn’t matter, all that matters is the fix that makes “you” feel better. Well, if you’re in an affair, you’re not thinking clearly or rationally and you need help. Most of you will not be willingly to admit it I know. some of you did not go into it maliciously or vindictively but you “fell in love” others of you are “users” either way you all need help to learn which you are and pull yourself from the destructive patterns you have chosen for your life. And if you have children, well very obviously they are not your priority and you need to learn to become a better parent for their sakes. And another thing, If your hoping to get the other Woman or other man you’re having an affair with……Be very careful what you wish for. You may think you know them but you don’t, all you know is the lover. You don’t know the sex addict, (how many affairs have they had- how many family members have they accosted?) they may even have a prestigious job and I bet the spouse knows secrets that have never come to light. Are they an abuser, a gambler, a pedophile? Are they still in LOVE with their spouse? And if you let them come into your home, your family….. shame on you….I know this as a fact….You think you won a prize, well you didn’t and the x-spouse gets the last laugh let me tell you because you now have the mess and more heart ache then you ever thought you would have from your little affair.

  168. Anonymous

    The people here who are saying that the betrayed spouse is just “playing the victim” and they caused their spouse to have an affair by their lack of attention and affection are obviously affair partners trying to justify their behavior and that of their married lover.
    My first question to my husband of 17 years after finding out about his affair was “If you wanted to be with her so much, why didn’t you just tell me up front and leave me instead of sneaking around, lying and betraying your vows.” Yes, there were some issues in our marriage that needed to be resolved, but I would have respected and been hurt far less by his honesty than all the lies.
    He says he didn’t want to lose me and the thought of me remarried to someone else and him having to see his family with another man made him feel sick. So he sacrificed my potential happiness with someone who COULD love me for his own selfishness and wanting to have me, his wife who took care of everything in our marriage and his little, young chick on the side who told him how wonderful he was and how sexy and he couldn’t do enough to help her at the expense of his family obligations.
    He would go do things for her and be her knight in shining armor but he rarely helped me willingly if I had a problem. As an example, she drove her car until the oil ran out (because she didn’t know a car needed oil?) and he ran to help her lying to me about where he was going, but when I had a car accident and was hurt, he was angry with me for wrecking the car. He also sacrificed his relationship with his sons for the time and thought spent on her. They needed him and his attention was obviously elsewhere or when he did pay attention to them or me it was to be critical of something we were not doing right. Stupidly, I thought he was grieving his Dad’s death and needed spaceand as it turned out, he was looking for the love that he had here all along if he had only chosen to acknowledge us.
    And for those who may say so, even he says I was far from a nagging, mean or uptight wife. Just the opposite, he says I didn’t talk to him or pay attention to him enough. He never seemed interested in anything I said, and stared at the TV anyway. I guess we just both became distant and did not know how to resolve the growing pains in our marriage. I do take responsibility for some of the issues in our relationship, but I DO NOT feel any responsibility for his DECISION to have an affair. I love my husband dearly and did not deserve what he did in response to our marriage problems. There is no excuse for cheating, EVER. Just be honest with your spouse and move on if that is how you feel.
    Why would I want to be with someone who doesn’t love, respect or want me? It was extremely unfair of him not to be honest and let me go. If he loved her so much, he would want to be with her in an honest and open relationship and if she truly loved him she would have said she would not be with him until he was free to do so. THAT is the ADULT, loving and responsible thing to do for all involved.
    So in the end, everyone was hurt to some extent, but me most of all. He broke off the affair before I found out although it took several months to do so. She was hurt, but moved on to a single guy, got married and seemed to move on oblivious to the destruction she left behind. He, I think grieved for her and did have feelings for her which left him unable to BE in our marriage for a long time. And I, who thought the distance was caused by the death of both parents, one prior to and one after his affair, until I found evidence of the affair, was devastated by his betrayal and left questioning his real reasons for staying in the marriage.
    Affairs are not about real love. They are about a selfish, childish, impulsive meeting of your own needs without regard to how you are hurting others. They are not about a true mature loving relationship no matter how you try to justify it.

  169. Anonymous

    What annoys me about the “other women or man” especially when you have children to your spouse is that they intrude in your life so badly and inject themselves into it and us betrayed spouses didn’t ask for it? They are theives and I will never forgive my ex spouse other women for feeling entitled to take what she was not morally entitled to take and thinks she has a right to put pain on other people because she’s on her high horse thinking its what she or he can do
    as we are not there responsibility.

    The pain this causes and the happiness on the betrayed spouses end for their happiness is immoral and cruel. It will eventually eat them up. No good comes from ill gains. They say that men and women are bitches and arseholes but from what I can see its those “other women men” that keeps them that way. They have a lot to explain these stupid idiots. Stop giving people these options.

  170. Anonymous

    Agreed with the above post for first half, but then had to strongly disagree with latter part of post!! True love in my mind is having the ability of loving an imperfect person, whole heartidly, but not to love yourself above all, it is to love your partner above all!!!! yes it may be that both of them failed in pursuing happiness, but sometimes life throws things at you that makes it hard for you to have the luxury of going down the path of happiness 24/7, sometimes through no fault of their own , they end up going through a rough patch in their marriage, which the longer it lasts, the more likely they are to hit these low points in their relationships, but the fact that they have worked together as a couple for a long length of time, should help them get through such a crisis. The problem arises when an unscrupulus person sits in the wings waiting to take what they see as a justified prize,& one of the partners decides that this new person who suddenly says all the right things, makes the partner feel like a rejuvenised person, makes life seem exciting again & wants to have them in their lives all the time, decides to give up a long term marriage to persue this new lifestyle. Yes it’s exciting for them to run away from their long term commitments, but it is also selfish if it is only one sided by one of the spouses. Just because one decides that they are no longer in love with a partner,doesn’t mean they should take up with another new partner without trying any form of reconcilliation with the long term partner first!!!! The partner that is walking out on the family may have been said that “they” are sick of everything, but when that is all that is said, how can the spouse try to remedy any situation when they are in the dark as to what aspects of the marriage their partner is sick of.Life is what happens to you, long term relationships do loose their passion, but it doesn’t mean that the love is lost, if anything over time it should get stronger as you brave lifes battles together, yes sex is important, but it isn’t the “B” all & end all, in my mind, it is far more important to know that you have someone who has shared all the highs & lows in your life, raised a family together & would lay their life down for you, rather than knowing that you are going to have exciting sex at night with a new partner that you have no idea how long the new relationship will last for, & better to still have the respect from your kids rather than loathing & resentment.Sometimes it IS just the actions of a selfish spouse & an unscrupulus person to destroy a family, & carve a path of distruction for what they justify as love!!!!! Eventually after all the pain of being abandoned by your long term partner & feeling of betrayal, you realise that because you do or did truly love your partner, that you let them go & wish them well with their future, because at the end of the day, true love is all about giving your partner what really makes them happy, & if you can no longer do that, let them go to try & find that happiness somewhere else, & forgive them for their betrayal & hope that they learn from your divorce, that if in the future they feel the need to leave their new partner, they will do so, without moving straight in with someone else, & give the other partner time to grieve over the broken relationship, before the partner moves on

  171. Anonymous

    It is a long-ago post, but I find #4’s comments so completely judgmental, unkind and clearly ego-based. All you need to do is actually listen to a couple who has gone through an affair and come out on the other side without anger, either as the spouse who had the affair or the one who did not. Happiness is what both of them failed to pursue which led to the affair, and each are accountable in some way. Affairs don’t infiltrate relationships where the participants make their own happiness a priority AND make sure they express their unhappiness when it arises (rather than waiting for it to reach a boiling point where they turn to another for comfort OR turn a blind eye to their partner’s unhappiness). True love and commitment involves loving an imperfect person perfectly and loving yourself above all. Life isn’t what happens to you….if we all enter relationships as victims, then we will always become the victim. Don’t be so quick to judge. People criticize others when they are too ashamed to look within and too ashamed to love themselves in a way that will allow themselves to purely love another.

  172. Anonymous

    Been married for 20 years last year. It was a marriage where we were basically room mates for many years. She never initiated sex, I only did because I have a strong drive. I would go months waiting for her to make a move…always giving in. We always argued over little things – it just wasn’t going well. I contemplated leaving many many times – but just didn’t have the balls to do that to her and our kids. Earlier in the year last year a much younger (18 years) beautiful neighbor and I began a flirting relationship over text and calls. Inside of 2 weeks she came over to the the house and we kissed. Sparks flew. Like WOW. She wanted more, as did I. The first time we slept together it was 4 times in 5 hours – we couldn’t get enough of each other. The connection was like something I have never felt. I had been faithful for the 22 years I was with my wife, and she was faithful to her husband of 7 years. But upon first sight the two of us had an incredible connection. Fast forward – we had a very steamy relationship for 10 months getting together whenever there was a chance. 4 of those months I separated from my wife. During our A my wife asked about this relationship, I denied it. My guess is she knows, but I can’t bring myself to admit it – I don’t want to inflict any more pain. We have filed for divorce. I know it is the right thing to do as we have grown apart so much as people and what we want out of life. In the mean time I have really fallen hard for this younger woman. She asked me all year if I wanted another child, and lets just break off our marriages and start a new life. I thought that after 20 years of marriage I should grieve that loss and repair myself before starting another relationship. My AP has since tried to make her marriage work and I in turn have realized I want her badly – we truly are extremely compatible dispite the age difference – and I am ready for her and having another child. But now she is trying to make hers work instead and I am out on an island alone. Moral of the story. Leave your spouse if you truly are not happy and have tried everything you can to make it work before entering into another relationship. As fun and romantic as it is running around and hiding and having incredible sex…it has not been worth it to me. I now morn the potential loss of my AP more than the loss of my soon to be ex and our family life we created. I’ve put myself in an incredibly lonely hole. I expect absolutely no sympathy from anyone. I’ve learned there are 3 reasons for affairs. To find a way our of marriage, to make a marriage strong, or because you are not a monogamous person. My AP may have landed in the middle even though she tried to sell me that she wanted out. It seems my soon to be ex is rather happy with this decision as she was not happy with our marriage either. Life can sure suck sometimes – I just hope I can bury these feelings and find a single person I can love and put my energy in to. I will never cross that line again – once a cheater always a cheater is not always true. I have learned some very hard lessons.

  173. Anonymous

    in reply to #363
    sorry to want to try & understand your actions, but I still totally love my husband, even with what he has done, I know all my family & friends think that I am nuts for still wanting him in my life, but with out him, my life seems pointless.
    I have been told that my husbands new partner keeps taggs on all his cell calls etc, & he never gets in touch with me at all, even on my 50th Birthday, he never sent any message, which I found hard after being with him for nearly 30 of those years, I suppose i hoped he might have remembered it, or do you think that when they are with the new person in their life that they no longer even think about their long time partner??I am not saying all women that have affairs are hard faced, but I know that she is, she has very few friends, I think they thought that they would be accepted more as a couple than they have been,which was why the pretence of my husband starting a job away from home, so that he was going to tell people that we had grown apart, as he had told this to his new boss, who actually came & appologised to me, & said he had no idea what my ex was up to or he wouldnt have given him the job in the first place.
    Although she is worth a lot of money in her own right, she doesn’t spend it very easily, my husband has always been obsessed with money, & as the other people that he had affairs never really had any, I don’t know if that factor has helped him make the decission to leave me. Don’t get me wrong, we were going through a rough patch, but we have been through plenty before & always got through them, & I am 100% sure if she hadn’t been intent on getting him, we would have pulled through this too.
    We have always worked together 24/7 as a team, she however has to go to bed in the afternoon for a sleep, or she did until she got with my ex!!& I can’t believe after 30 years, that he has changed into someone who now enjoys going out for meals all the time, goes on holiday half way around the world, twice a year, goes shopping & has just changed beyond all recognition. Does this sound similar to your ex partner, or am I just hoping against all odds, that he may one day walk back into my life, by some miracle??

  174. Anonymous

    i started a relationship from an affair thinking that it would work,if there is no trust then there is nothing!!!its been the most painful relationship i have ever had liars do not stop being liars,it got worse and worse and went down hill very rapidly,i was totally paranoid the whole time,it was doomed from the start,i got angry the whole time i spent the second year having to put up with him consoling the ex partner, she has always been a part of my relationship with him,we have now separated thank-god what an awful situation.but when you fall in love with someone you try to make it work.i will never get involved in a relationship like this again no matter how wonderful they seem, strictly out of bounds i have been hurt so dreadfully, i was so patient with him, and all because i thought i didn’t deserve better,he has taken the ex partner out on dates since we split up she is most welcome to him! i hope they finally resolve their issues, although he had several affairs whilst he was with her,i pray for both of them .

  175. Anonymous

    I had been married for 30 years, my husband has had several affairs during our time together. we had horses, so the family business we built up meant that whilst the kids were young, he would be on the road a lot of the time competeing the horses, whilst i stayed at home & ran the yard, it was during this time that the affairs started. In later life, it would be people that he gave horse lessons to. 18 months ago, he left me, he had been teaching a rich woman, only 5 years younger than myself, who has never been married, we were having a rough patch in our marriage, my husband was finding it hard to accept that our 25 year old son was starting to take over the majority of the riding, as the years had taken its toll on my husbands body. We also had money troubles. We lived in a mobile home, as my husband had always said that I couldnt keep the mobile clean enough for him to build me a house.I knew that there was an attraction between them. He eventually told me that he was going to work for someone a couple of hours away from our home. I went to her house shortly after he left, & asked her if she was having an affair with him, she said she loved him to bits as a friend, like she did all my family, but that was it. she appologised for her kitchen still having 2 wine glasses on side etc, but she had a friend over till quite late the night before.I eventually got them to admit they were seeing each other 8 weeks after my husband left, & within 12 weeks they had flown half way round the world for a weeks holiday on my husbands birthday & my wedding anniversary, which we had only ever had 2 holidays in 30 years.He used to call round to see us, he would just sit in the chair, cry, say he loved me to bits as a friend, but not as a wife, give me a hug & a peck on the cheek & go back to her. Now adays, he doesnt even call, I havent seen him in 4 months, I am just waiting for my divorce to be finalised, & for him to sign the property over to me, his solicitor has been really slow, but hopefully it should all go through within the next 2 months, as it has dragged out since last February. I didnt think he could have broken my heart anymore than he has over the years, but I guess I wasnt ready for him totally walking away from me & his 2 sons. He had been married before I met him, but was already divorced, I was 20 when we first met,& i had never been in a sexual relationship with any other man, nor have I ever looked at another since I have been with him. They have broken my heart, but I am trying really hard to move on, I just feel totally betrayed by him.

  176. Anonymous

    Hi All, three years out of divorce that took place from my husband having an affair.

    So, all I can say is my ex husband finally got his reality check and is miserable! me? I was miserable from all the devestation but I chose to date and not jump into anything as I was healing. Am now fully healed and moving on with life. Him? not so good. He left me and my baby for tpically a younger girl who got herself pregnant in a few years. They have a baby now and he is back to the same old issues but worse as our daughter sees him every second weeekend and is NOT happy about the baby at all, and not impressed with his partner.

    So at the end of the day, he traded uphis first family due to depression but blamed me for it to another heap of problems and caios which is worse for him.

    Never learnt a thing, ended up with a girl who would jump off the bridge for him but now to busy with the baby to pay him that attention.

    In a nutshell, everything everyone said to me back then “He will regret it when its all to late” “The grass is not greener” “If he did it to you he will go it to her” “They will not last” Has all over time come true.

    The only good thing that has come out of this is I am better off without him and have grown to an amazing women my daughter will be proud of so now I have room to find my amazing man.

    My ex belives I am turning my daughter against his partner but I am doing no such thing. Its just called the conseqences of his actions that he doesn’t feel he has to bear.

    So all in all he has a life of never ending conflict, guilt and regret. Thats what will eventually happen to anyone who choses to either have an affair on there decent partner or have an affair with a married man who you think will leave his partner for you and you will have a life of bliss. Dont fool yourself people. I am living proff it doesn’t work out well, eventually with time they all go down in flames wheather you stay or go.

  177. Anonymous

    Me and my boyfriend have been together for almost 12 years, we got together.when I was 16 and I am now 28 . He works offshore and is gone 9 1/2 months out of the year. He came home a week ago and I found a text on hisphone from another girl . I called her and asked her who she was and what was going on . She refused to tell me anything . Finally he told me that they have slept together once but that they have been talking for a few months on the phone while he’s offshore. He told me that he isn’t happy with me and that he loves her . I don’t understand how u could love someone that u have only met once in person . We have 3 beautiful kids and I am devastated. Now he’s telling me that he would never leave us and that he loves me and that he will never talk to her again. He laid in bed with me the other night crying asking me if he could call her one more time to tell her he wants to work it out with me and to make sure she’s OK. I let him call her but she still keeps texting his phone . I don’t know what to do I haven’t slept or eaten In a week I just cry everyday and night . I don’t understand why she can’t leave it alone . She has a kid as well by only god knows who so I would think as.a woman she wouldn’t wanna do this to my kids but she doesn’t care . She text me andt asked me ” are u really that happy with him think about it. He will still be.there for.u and the kids “. I really need some advice before I lose it completely. I am so sad and I can’t let this happen to me and my family . I can tell my kids are devastated. My mom told me that I need to trust that he’snot leaving because he’s.still here but my fear and I feel like I know in my mind that once he leaves offshore again he will call her. I know he doesn’t love her even though he says he does. U can’t love someone like that . Help me please

  178. Anonymous

    There are lots of responses, insights etc on this although I have only read circa 80 – probably enough. The one which stand out #20 I completely understand what you are saying get some distance work on your own relationship etc but this can also lead to many wasted years. After 10 years of marriage which was always fairly explosive I fell in love with someone I worked with, he returned my feelings and we did have a relationship but as we were both married with children we agreed that we should end it and have no further contact – which we didn’t for 8 years and for 8 years I tried for the sake of my children to make it work, it wasn’t all bad but we just didn’t get on and after 8 years I ended my marraige i then looked up the Man I had the affair with only to discover it had been exactly the same for him – we didn’t rush into things and took it slowly developing our relationship and now 3 years later we are together but with a lot of wasted time. Was it the right thing to do, my eldest (now 18) tells me that she has been wishing for years that me and her dad would just split up and my youngest (12) is much more impacted than she would have been back. I think we thought we were doing the right thing back then but not so sure that the impact has been any less getting together years later after our attempt at saving our marriages has failed. Just an observation from a personal perspective but doesn’t mean I condone affairs by any manner of means I just think that generally you shouldn’t judge until you have experiencd the heartache that this situation brings on everyone concerned.

  179. Anonymous

    okay so technically i am not having an affair but I am married. MY husband and I due to being long distant constantly agreed we could sleep with other people as we both have needs this has been going on for nearly a year no dramas I usually don’t get to know the person I just let them know it is purely sexual.

    However I kind of slept with my brother in laws friend which I have known for years but is also years my junior was going through a tough time and I would give him advice etc then one thing lead to another and we slept together.

    My husband knows so I a not lying however what I am lying about is I have fallen hard for this other person and I want to end this mess of a situation I feel I met the person I have been looking and longing for my whole life. This person brings out the best in me, I am honest with him 100% and tell him not to expect anything lets see how it goes but I can’t give him up. I have never met anyone who absolutely adores me and I am just wondering what I should do as he risks his lifelong friendship with my brother in law and the reason why me and my husband got married although we have been together for 6 years I recently got my visa denied so he said lets just get married so my situation is a whole heap different and I just want to know what should I do.

  180. Anonymous

    To the last comment. Your a fool. If they are married they are married. How would you like it if you were married and some young intruder was making it ok for your husband to cheat? Get a clue…

  181. Anonymous

    Anyone who just blames the unmarried party, does not know what they are talking about. You dont go and search for love in wrong places, it comes to you. The married party obviously was not happy in his current marriage otherwise he/she would never have even concidered a relationship with someone else. Sometimes when children is envolved the other party uses this to keep the person with them, this is not fair towards anyone either, it is a lie. You cant say that love cant exist between two people and that it cant be true, because he/she is married. Love happens, you dont ask for it, it happens. It is not fair to say because he/she is married to someone else, that there is no chance of success with someone else, because that is just not true. Sometimes people get married to the wrong people for the wrong reasons! Wake up, sometimes life is just life!

  182. Anonymous

    I was attracted to this man who later became my best friend. It wasn’t until several months later that he said he was married out of convenience. The person he was with had an expiring visa and desired a green card, and at that time when they were in a sexual relationship (I didn’t know) he agreed to help her out. He said that he was always attracted to me but was daunted by our age gap. After telling me about his situation, his wife realized how attached he was to me and started harassing me. We were still friends at the time, but I was deeply and passively upset at him. I of course, left. We stopped communication all together- it hurt me so badly. It affected me in every aspect of life.
    I was going to move for education purposes and one day he wrote to me asking if we could meet up before I left. Since I didn’t get to talk to him properly after disappearing, I thought there would not be much harm in telling him officially good bye.

    However seeing him again made me realize how much I had depended on him emotionally. I confessed to loving him, but let him knew I was leaving for several years. We ended up starting an affair. We loved each other fully and honestly. He promised that after she would receive her greencard that they would divorce. I didn’t realize then the people or family that I would hurt when they found out, and even how it would affect me and him until it all happened. After much disappointment and anger from my parents, I promised that I wouldn’t contact him as long as they were together.

    Sometimes I wish I could just leave. Forget all the pain.

    But I keep hanging onto that hope that we can be together again. It is going to be a long and torturous wait until she gets her papers.

    I keep on wondering if I should let go. But I can’t move on.

  183. Anonymous

    I was in a 3 year relationship with a girl that has a 6 year gap between the two of us, I was 25 and her only being 19. Now before you say anything about her being too young, I took my time to get to know her because I was well aware of her age. We worked together at a local garden center. She was the head cashier and i was a supervisor at the time. We had a open house event around thanksgiving back in 2009 and because we worked alot of hours together we got to know each other. Talking became flirting almost instantly. One thing about her that stood out was that she has a low self esteem. We didnr share our first kiss until over a month, I told her i wanted to take things slowly because i wanted it be a long term relationship. She said she wanted the same thing. It was around Christmas then and i would come over to help her decorate her tree and one thing led to another and we ended up together. We spent alot of time together. At work and at her place. One thing about myself that she didnr like was that i smoked pot at night to help myself relax. She didnr like it because she said it made me a different person. I refused at first but she suffers from anxiety attacks and when i would smoke it made her have panic attacks. I needed to stop for myself and i wanted to stop for her because i didnr want her to go through it. So i quit, got a better job , making a better wage. She hated that i got a good job she said to me that she liked that i got a job where i was making good money while she was still making min. wage. Something that was always an argument through our entire relationship was that she was a slob and didnr want to clean up after herself. She had a apartment that she never took care of and that she allowed the dishes to pile up for about two weeks and she has 5 cats and a dog and the cats would use the restroom in corners of her apartment or on the furniture. So when i would ask her if we could clean it was like pulling teeth. When she would argue it was like she enjoyed it. Screaming at me at the top of her lungs throwing things. Having a temper tantrum. This want just when she was 19 it was thru our entire 3 year relationship. She always told me that she didnr like to be told what to do. I never told her to do anything, i always asked her and volunteered my time to help her. Her and her roommate were exactly the same. Neither one of them cleaned. Anyways i ended up moving into my own place to escape the insanity of it all. She has had 5 jobs in 3 years in which she was either fired because of conflict with coworkers or she has quit outright. She went to school to be a beautician and when she graduated she went and applied to a local cost cutters and she worked there for 4 days and quit because she didnr want tk do it anymore. I didnr understand it all. Still don’t. Well whenever we would have arguments she would yell and scream bloody murder and over the course of time it became almost instantly. There was a time that i regretted instantly and regret to this day and will always regret it but we got into a argument and she was yelling and started throwing things in my apartment and because i wanted her to stop but couuldnt put my hands on her but i grabbed her to make her stop and i left her a bruise. I said that was so sorry and i would understand if she wanted to break up that i wouldst stop her. But in the same breath when i asked her to stop or to just leave she wouldnt. Well leaving to the end of us, we had a couple that we were friends with, that we played video games with and went on double dates with every once in awhile. Well the guy in the relationship and myself have been friends for about 6 years and we were pretty close. I used to smoke with him all the time when i used to smoke. Anyways this guy basically got his girlfriend st the time to leave her boyfriend when they first met at work and told her that her boyfriend at the time was a bad person and that she would never have to go through all that with him. Well she found iout through the three years they were together that she became a pothead which she never smoked before. They grew pot and grew mushrooms before and they did mushrooms every once in awhile. This guy never took her out to dinner besides mcdonalds or any fast food place. He forgot her birthday once and their anniversary. Never got her flowers for special occasions or just for the hell of it. Convinced her to take it pay day loans under her name to help him pay bills and pay for weed. A year in to their relationship he cheated in her with a cousin of mine. She never found about it, she did catch him asking girls that he used to work with and the girls that he works with now he would flirt with then right i front of her. Anyways getting to what happened of my break up. My girlfriend went to hang it with this girlfriend of his every once in a while to make friends with her because my girlfriend didnr have too many herself. Anyways i guess this ed and my girlfriend Beth started talking about the flaws in our relationship and his. With there being a grey area being told to me but i guess whatever he was saying was hitting my girls heart strings and she starting having feelings towards this guy and somehow she felt comfortable enough to have a threesome withtthis guy and his girlfriend. Well what they said they were going to do didnr happen and this guys girlfriend basically st there watching my girl and this ed have sex right in front of her and half way through it she said they needed tk stop because it was wrong and they werent including her like they said what was supposed to happen. She said it was like they have and sex before or something because they just attacked each other.anyways this happened right before our three year relationship and they continued to talk behind my back about this and that this ed wanted my girl and she supposedly wanted out of our relationship. I ended up finding out that they were seeing each other Christmas weekend and she left me for him. My questions basically are1. Did i do something that would have caused this to happen? 2. Do relationships that would started out this way ever last? She is throwing inky face that i should have never quit smoking pot even though now she dating someone that smokes pot alot more than i ever did. I always took my girl out to dinner every weekend, bought her flowers for every occasion plus randomly. We went and did things like hiking, camping, going to the zoo, going on road trips, and random things between the two of us. This guy is saying that he is going to change his ways just to be with her. I want tk protect her for what she was to me during our relationship but i want get past the threesome and that its a friend of mine. She oesnt care about meaany more and that she regrets dating me at all even though she says she has found her soulmate in this ed and she would have never met him if i didnr introduce them. Somehow i look at this as my fault. I was the only one that didnr know about this happening. My ex made me believe we were good. I was going to ask her to marry me this year and start working towards having our first child. Which by the way she says that she is going to have this guys baby. Rubbing their relationship in my face. The day that i found it all this stuff about them and caught her red handed because she as supposed to be st work until a certain time and i called her work and they she left at noon that day and j called her and she was st home with him. When she came over to my apartment and we talked she said that she found her soulmate and they can talk about anything and they will be together. Do you see them lasting forever starting their relationship like this? Mean evrytime she looks back on her relationship with him she will think about how she met him and be reminded of me. Please help because i cent get answers because she want talk to me about this. She also said that she want her true self with me and that she can be that person with her. Do you think she is manipulated by this guy that is saying everything she wants to hear? I don’t get it , i was good to her and this is how she leaves me. It was like i never knew her. Why be with me for three years and she couldnt show her true colors.

  184. Anonymous

    @#343 Good post full of wisdom. I agree that ultimately only an individual is responsible for their own happiness & looking to your other half to either complete you or be your happiness supply is foolish. Having said that, if the person you are married to actively undermines your happiness he is eroding your capacity to make yourself happy. This happens in many marriages. Alcohol addiction, controlling behaviors, short-temperedness all contribute towards the marriage partner feeling disempowered. This happened to me. The impact of my husbands unreasonable behaviors within our marriage were disabling me from creating my own happiness. For years my eye was on the bigger picture of securing our childrens’ welfare, education and economic survival to worry about creating my own happiness.
    I also wanted to address your point about marriage being “hard work”. Hard work is also a euphemism for come hell or high water making 2 incompatible people who made a family together stay together. I am not saying there may not be merits in doing this and there clearly are but does this pass for having a real life? When just about every aspect of married life is hard work where is the joy in it? In some marriages everything is an issue from finances to sex to the angle the chair is positioned. Everything being a point of negotiation and discussion is bloody exhausting and a kill joy. Also, if a marriage is handwork and daily life doesn’t flow, it means incompatibility and non-acceptance of the person. Is this a sou d foundation for a marriage no matter how much goodwill and love is initially involved.
    The reality is that those affairs that turn into happy marriages or better marriages
    than the first, the two people involved felt more compatible and accepted with each other than they did with their first marriage partner. I speak from personal experience here. My first husband was constantly trying to change me, modify me, which, over a 23 year span got the message home to me that at core I could not be my authentic self around him. My affair partner does not have a need to alter me. We flow and we’re in sync. We get the same things.
    Sometimes its best to face up to the fact that a relationship that is too much hard work is just that handwork, exhausting and eroding.
    completely accepts me.

  185. Anonymous

    I believe that affairs are all an addiction on both peoples part. Very very hard to stop them…

  186. Anonymous

    Ditto on number 350. My ex cheated on me a little over 3 years ago and when I found out I offered her a chance to reconcile on the condition that she cease ALL contact with the other guy (who was a family friend too as well as his wife.) My now ex didn’t want to do that and I count my lucky stars every day that she didn’t. That would have been hell and I would have hated her and myself more for being okay with that. Now 3 years later my life is so super great, I date a wonderful woman who is sooooo attractive and great sexually. Life is good and good riddance to the ex. She was so bad sexually too that the other guy deserves her.

  187. Anonymous

    I agree with the last comment, I was devestated when my ex husband was having an affair with his receptionist. I thought I would never get over and its been 2 years now and I couldn’t care less if he was with her or happy or not. I have never been happier in my life with myself. I am doing what I want with whom I want and feel attractive and great.

    The people who are hurting on this site can take comfort in the fact that this was all meant to be and you will in time get over it and move on with your own life and he will be just someone who you married once.

  188. Anonymous

    As much as I want to blame the other party, it is also my fault. My ex-husband was abusive and irresponsible. I stuck to the marriage for 7 years and he had the affair with my best friend. So I waited out for him for another 2 years so that at least I tried to fight for my family. Both parties refused to budge, claiming they love each other so in the end, I divorced him. I recognised some of the mistakes I made as a partner and wife and so I asked him for forgiveness before the divorce. One year after our divorce, he left her but I am not taking him back because I knew I did the best I could and I am very happy with the children now. Divorce is not a good option but in my case, the affair was inevitable because had it been with other women, I would still be in the marriage. And the man was abusive.

    So I am so happy that my stubborn best friend had the affair with him because it gave me opportunity to finally divorce him and now live my life happily. I now can recognise a toxic man and the freedom of being able to choose properly is fantastic. I am taking my time and enjoying my singlehood for now xoxo!! I did admit that my naggy and needy behaviour were a turn off in the past. I didn’t really take care of myself too but thank God I recognized that and am able to change into a hot woman! And I learn how to appreciate everything that I have. xoxoo

  189. Anonymous

    My situation is totally different. I was married for 36 years to what I thought was a devoted husband and father. For two years he was giving money to a women and had been taking money from our account. I noticed that he wasn’t as much fun to be with anymore. But, that’s okay by me because I loved him unconditionally. He was rather short with me and didn’t seem to care what was going on in our lives as much. I didn’t really notice much change and one day he said he was missing something, cried in his truck and didn’t know why. This left me speechless. I knew it sounded very strange and didn’t want to think he was unhappy in the marriage and this made me very anxious and sad too. We did everything together and shared a history that couldn’t be duplicated, so now he’s suddenly unhappy? I didn’t know what to think. One day he came home from a brief trip and took a few things and said he needed space and he was unhappy with his life. The next day, I hear that he’s blaming me for anything and everything in the marriage and he is done with the relationship. Soon after that, he filed for divorce and is living with another woman. They have been together for a year now and the divorce will be final soon. He has devastated his grown boys and I’m still reeling with questions. He refuses to talk, reconcile, counsel, just says it’s over and he wants out. No remorse or anything. The OW is by his side like glue and I’m left to be the matriarch and patriarch of what little family is left. His OW has made it impossible for him to even think about reconciliation because he’s so dependent on her for emotional support. I totally agree with the Christian rule. God hates divorce and if possible it’s best to work things out. Yes, I’m probably to blame for him feeling hurt for reasons that I don’t understand. But, how am I going to help solve the problem when the OW is whispering in his ear? He’s like a dependent puppy that needs stroked. Well, that’s my job, not someone else’s until the divorce is final and all avenues have been explored to save the marriage. It’s too damn easy to get a divorce nowadays and it wrecks lives beyond repair.

  190. Anonymous

    Would you get rid of a used car before you test drive a new one?? I’m sure any of you with some intelligence would not. Same usually goes for relationships. Most of us are just to stuck on what appears right in the eyes of others to make the right decision for ourselves. Wake up people. Life is short. We all make mistakes & what’s good for you at 20 probably isn’t good for you at 30. Do want you want with your life just make sure you take care of your responsibilites (children) a long the way.

  191. Anonymous


    My ex husband had an affair with my good friend of 20 years. She was married with two kids. It happened when I gave them shelter at my place. My ex and I were having problems, she took the opportunity to frame me and told him I was having an affair with an ex-bf (totally untrue). He got angry, started confiding in her and the affair developed. For two years, I waited for him to come back to the family wholeheartedly. Then ironically, I was involved with my ex-bf who was married. I became the other woman. Yet he still wants to work it out with his wife.

    The situation was ridiculous. So I decided to dump both men. Divorce my ex-husband and walk out on the ex-bf. They both can sort out their own issues. Only when they are single, faithful, devoted, sincere and serious with me, will I consider. Since they are still attached with the other women, I respect the women they are with and I will back off … meanwhile, the world is full of single men and I am also happy being on my own. Am I emotionless? Nope. But I don’t want to be a degenerate.

    Five months after my divorce, my ex-husband dumped my friend and wanted to come back. I told him that I have already received more than 10 marriage proposals and I am still not ready to choose. I don’t really want to rush actually. So.. the moral of the story is… this is life. When posed with such situations, take a step back and analyse the situation and do the right thing. If the man insists on having another woman while having you, let him have her.. but you can choose to walk. You cannot control another person, but you have control over your own life.

    Have some dignity.

  192. Anonymous

    As bad as this sounds and I will probably get grilled for this, but relationships change and end this day and age. Its a shame, I was cheated on threw him out beleiving he was going to be no better off and come grovelling back so I could regect him like he regected me.

    He hung his head down and moved in with her and insists on staying with her even though he is clearly miserable with her, he is now happy to settle and “work on” this new relationship as he learned from me that mar