If you are involved with a married person and reading this, chances are that you have already gone through the initial stage of infatuation and blinding bliss.  In this initial stage you have not wanted to think too deeply about the realities you have been creating in your life by pursuing this relationship.

But as things progress and the honeymoon period wears off, you start to have questions.  You bring them up to you lover, but most likely come away with answers that leave you only partially or not at all satisfied.  Here are some examples of questions that individuals in this situation find themselves asking.

Would they leave their spouse for you?

Do they really love you?

        Have they had other affairs?

How do they justify the affair in their mind?

Would  they cheat on you also?

Are they really not having sex with their spouse?

The strangeness of the situation cannot help but make you wonder what you really mean to your affair partner. Getting these answers can become more and more important as you become more involved and possibly obsessed with your lover. There is a point where you come to realize that you might not be  as central to them as they are to you.

Rona Subotnik illuminates a list of paradoxical realities that you may find yourself living with as the other person. Here is my version of her findings:

Treasured, but used
Being in love gives you the feeling that you are unique, precious and treasured, but perhaps you cannot help but wonder…if it wasn’t for the sex, would they still want to be with me.?  If you didn’t make it so easy and perfect when they are with you, by spending lots of money, by not complaining and making sure you look absolutely gorgeous, by having the house spotless, what would happen?  If you were just your ordinary every day self, the way the spouse is, would they still treasure you? If you weren’t providing an escape from another relationship, would they still want you?

Intimate, but isolated
There can be  a wonderful, newfound emotional intimacy with your affair partner that you may not have had for a very long time, if ever. However, as time goes by they become one of the few people, or only person, even, that you can be emotionally intimate with because you are reluctant to share what is going on with with family and friends. These family members and friends can probably sense that you are closed off emotionally, and can become confused and discouraged about your relationship to them.   You might sense this, yet are afraid it would cause more damage to the relationship if they knew.  Your sense of intimacy with your lover can seem more intense when they become one of the few people, or only person, you can really talk to.

Free, but a prisoner
You may feel freed from the dating game or from aspects of being single that may have been difficult or painful, yet you are tied to your affair partner’s schedule. You may find yourself forgoing activities that you used to enjoy that might make you unavailable to your affair partner should they suddenly have time to see you.  You may become aware that your world has narrowed greatly.

Safe, yet in danger
Being in love creates a sense of emotional safety, yet the foundation for this safety can feel, at it’s core, shaky. You can’t help but know that they could decide at any time to stop the affair and try to work on their marriage, or that their spouse or someone else can find out and everything could blow up. You know you are participating in something that is potentially damaging to many people and that there could be repercussions for yourself. You may find yourself trying to maintain the sense of safety by trying not to think about these realities.

Self-righteous, yet guilty
You tell yourself you deserve to be happy, that you are making them happy. You may even tell yourself you are helping them to be a better spouse by the love and comfort you provide. You may tell yourself their marriage is already over anyway, or that it’s not your responsibility, but theirs, since they are  the one cheating. However, deep down, you cannot help but know you have made a choice to participate in something that can result in devastation for any number of people.

Powerful, yet powerless
You may feel very powerful in your ability to attract someone who is married, powerful enough to cause them to betray their spouse and family. Yet as time goes on, it might become apparent to you that you frequently feel powerless. You may eventually be giving ultimatums,  only to be put off or given false promises. You may find yourself stood up when various situations arise with their family that prevent them from keeping dates. Sitting alone on Saturday night or New Year’s Eve, you feel you have no power at all.

Feeling very good/very bad about yourself
Everyone’s self esteem soars when they experience attracting someone who is attractive to them. However, at the same time you know you are treating yourself as if you do not deserve someone who could be there for you 100%.

Reading the above may bring up strong feelings that you haven’t been aware of before. Participating in an affair necessitates entering an altered state of consciousness where only part of reality is  processed, the part that has to do with pleasure. It’s like being in a trance, complete with it’s own logic (i.e., if it feels so good, how can it be wrong?). When the full reality begins to hit home, it can be a painful and frightening time. Deep issues can surface, issues that, in the end, have to do with your relationship to yourself more than anyone else. If talking to your lover is making it worse, it is important to break your isolation by finding someone who you can trust to talk to.  Therapy can be very helpful at this point.

This Post Has 455 Comments

  1. Still Hurting

    Lost Child, thank you for your post. My husband cheated on me after 25 years of marriage. The OW knew our family very well as she once was our next door neighbor. Anyway, I have two teenage daughters, and I was so sickened by the possible short and long-term effects this would have on them. My husband has broke all contact, and we are working on our marriage. It’s very sad though, because our teenage girls are not stupid, and saw how much their father hurt their mother. Oh, and one more note, the OW in my situation is divorced because her ex cheated on her (according to her); and she had two teenage girls at the time. Can I ask all of you out there, what woman causes this much pain to another woman and her girls, when you know the pain yourself?

  2. Lost child

    To the adults who cheat…..i am the child whose parent cheated. I am the damage that no one thinks about while indulging in selfish pleasure. My sister is the product of the actions that destroyed our family. So while you are all out there unable to control your urges like a dog in heat, remember that their are children out there who know more than you think and they are the ones who pay the ultimate price. I spent years of my adult life unable to trust and doing unspeakable things because of the damage of my parent’s affairs. Even now that I am married to someone who loves my deeply and swears should never hurt me, i internally panic when a text is sent or they step outside to talk on the phone. Every day I battle anxiety and fear of abandonment and have to fight to overcome my urge to read every text and facebook message and hear every phone conversation. So the next time you reach out to your lover, remember that your child or their child knows what you are doing and know that you are creating unforgivable damage.

  3. anoymous

    You, the other woman, have a lot of self pity and a sense of lost values. Yet you are given free will to choose to say no, no matter what these men tell you. Alright, it happened the first time, but why continue? Because you are right to say they have cheated before, and will charm you to the end to get what they want, and telling you what you need to have sex. My man cheated on his first wife and then killed the other woman. I met him twenty years later and married him not knowing too much about his background. If I had known I would not have married him. He did it to me after fifteen years of marriage but hasn’t killed off the other woman yet. I took the cell phone away from my so-called husband, and got him into individual counseling. He has since left his job, or they fired him. He has put a limit on who he comes in contact with. My message… get out run and do not look back. Do whatever is necessary to leave that type of relationship. Not only do you all deserve better but you should have confidence in yourselves. This is a true story. The first wife divorced him behind bars the other woman ended up six feet under by his hands alone. I was still trying to reconcile but then filed for divorce as his behavior has developed again with another woman.

  4. Anonymous

    I’m the other woman in my relationship. He and I are co-workers, he’s 9 years older than me, we’ve worked together for nearly 10 years, and have been in a relationship for a little over a year. I was in a bad relationship previously, and he unexpectedly became a rock for me, and it escalated from there. He helped me stand up for myself and was there for me during a bad breakup, for which I can’t help but be grateful. His wife also seems to be on the emotionally abusive side, and I think I helped him cope with that, at least at first.

    Initially he was happy to go on dates, and spend time with me, but now he can’t make time unless it’s sex it seems. Maybe being used for that is all I deserve, I don’t know. I also lost my virginity to him, and that admittedly makes it harder for me.

    A couple months ago a female co-worker of mine showed me messages he sent her on Facebook, basically asking her to be his secret girlfriend, just like he had asked me. I mean, if he’s willing to cheat on his wife with me, odds were he was willing to cheat on me too. It was something I had sort of been expecting, but I haven’t had the guts to bring it up to him. What right do I have anyway? My co-worker was better than me though, and turned him down.

    I don’t have friends, and I haven’t been able to tell any of my family about any of this, so it’s been sorta therapeutic to post it here, even if it gains some ire.

  5. Anonymous

    My husband currently left me for another woman he was having an affair with. I’ll admit that we didn’t have the best marriage over the past few years. I tried to talk to him about it but he would get angry and turn it all around on me. I guess I should of tried harder. Regardless, he ran away like a coward into the arms of another woman. I am willing to work on this marriage but he claims he is happy where he is at. I and my two kids are devastated. He is living in a fantasy world with this woman who has only been divorced for three months and who has two small children in her house. It makes me sick to my stomach. His family and his friends have all supported me immensely and are furious about his decision to leave his family. This home wrecker will never be accepted anywhere in the family and it is likely that the relationship will not last longer than a few months. I’m not saying this because I am bitter. It’s true. Check out the stats. I’m doing my best to get through this by seeking therapy. It’s still too early to say what exactly is going to happen with us but in the end I will OK, but he will not be. He will have to live with the pain and the misery that he has caused the family for the rest of his life and will be all alone. And while he doesn’t think so, when his kids get older they will resent him just as much as I do.

  6. Anonymous

    WOW W W !! I just want to say … I love you all for your courage, bravery, all the steps you have taken to change your lives! I guess I must have been “pick of the Prey”… after 17 years on my own. My bloke and I are 4 years together (OF COURSE, MADLY in LOVE!!!!). Yes that is the way I saw it. After 5 physically abusive relationships, !7 yrs of working on my self worth, never going out, I believed I had met the love of my life.
    Well “love of my life” has been married for 54 years. I am not his first affair. HOWEVER HE NEVER EXPERIENCED LOVE TILL HE MET ME! Need I say anymore? It has only been the last few months that I have realized what a lying, cheating dirty rat he is. And that I deserve to be back out there having fun. I am attractive, intelligent, ( well maybe only now that I’ve got a brain back), 68 yrs old. Well, the most important lesson I learned from this was that I had allowed myself to be abused again (in a different way). And I was going to cause his partner and family pain if i carried on with this lie. Wow, sometimes we wake up late in the morning don’t we? Need a bit of a sleep in until we realize that life is passing us by too swiftly. He thinks his wife knows, he is 75 and flaunt’s me in front of his friends. We hardly go anywhere . Yes you’re right, life is limited, in these relationships… not for the cheater. Oh no, you become a show pony. We have a bit of an argument of late over lies he has told me. Now he is absolutely begging to see me. I have made a choice to dump him … but only at a point where he is feeling safe. I totally understand, how women that are cheated on feel because some of us mistresses end up feeling the same. We may start out as honest vulnerable women that care about everyone… and then we see that we have supported the “CHEATERS’s LIES and BEHAVIOUR TOO, which makes us the same! HEY, NOT ALL WOMEN that get sucked into these things are evil. You, as wives, and those men are responsible too. I have from the beginning asked my man to go home to his wife and ask about her needs and share his with her too. Anyway the ending of this relationship won’t be long. It definitely will be over soon! YES OF COURSE I will shed many tears… not as many as I know his wife and family will, I am sure. Well he thinks he can’t live without me? He’s managed before and I’m sure he will again. Just a note… we both believed our love was blessed by Angels. Undoubtedly, when Angels send you a lesson they send it with their love and their blessings. Take care all. May you all receive the love and comfort you need. Don’t be bitter … try to move on!

  7. Anonymous

    My husband had an affair with a woman who had previously been married and had had an affair while married. This resulted in her husband killing one child and nearly killing another in revenge for her unfaithfulness. She should feel guilty for all the devastation she caused but still she carried on. I self-harmed, tried suicide upon finding out. There is no excuse or reason. It is immoral, damaging and it should be unlawful. She is the only person in this world that I hate. I should hate him but I can’t. I certainly have no respect for him.

  8. Anonymous

    I fell in love with a married man. We spent almost five years together. It ended badly. An attorney even had to be involved for no contact as he contacted my elderly parent after being in no contact to blame me for something I hadn’t done. I then contacted his wife to try and figure out if she had done what he was trying to blame me for doing. She hung up on me before I could ask. He flipped out about that fact that I called her even though he had harassed my parent with numerous calls and also called me non-stop for three days.
    I spent 3,000.00 on attorney fees to deal with him. I have never been so hurt by someone I thought loved me. I was so wrong. I can’t believe I slept with a man who apparently didn’t love me. He is wealthier and more secure in his life than me so the fact that I had to hire an attorney was wrong and hurtful on so many levels for something I never did but had to in order to protect my family. I realize how crazy he is by how he reacted to thinking his reputation was damaged. He acted like a three year old having a tantrum. Real love doesn’t destroy each other and definitely doesn’t react to adversities as he did. I will never forgive him for what he put my family through at the end.

  9. Anonymous

    For the record, I refuse to be the home wrecker. Thirteen year affair with a MM. I was a MW but the affair ruined my marriage. He stayed with his wife. I then became a mistress for 11 years. I did not want to expose the situation to my children, family and friends. His wife keeps the faith, refuses to give up. I respect that. He was going to leave her and be with me. I can’t accept compromising his family. I am stepping out. I want them to have a chance without me confusing the outcome.
    Life is now a big bore for me without him but I hope to find a replacement. It is not about him or her or me, it is about the kids. The rest can wait or live behind closed doors.

  10. Anonymous

    334 ,412 here again, it has been 12 years. I have broken up with him so many times it is like ground hog day.
    His wife finally read though texts on his phone . Devastating .
    I want a real life . We can’t even walk down the street together. Everyone knows him from his tribe.
    Why do we do this to ourselves ?
    I need to move on , He needs to move on and his wife needs to move on and find joy . We are educated and stupid.
    Help.

  11. Anonymous

    I’ve read a lot here and felt compelled to write. Recently I became reacquainted with someone I knew 17 years ago over Facebook. I was single… divorced in late 2007… and he assured me he was as well. Head over heels, intensely strong feelings. We live in different countries but he travels here a lot and we discussed meeting in real life. I discovered he lives with his long-term partner. I found out. He did not tell me. I ended it immediately. He had all sorts of excuses about why he was still in his situation. Bottom line… he lied to me and her. He’s no prize. Boy bye!

  12. Anonymous

    In response to no 31 from 2009, are you still together? Did he marry you and did your love last and did you live happily ever after? If you are still together how long was it before you started to doubt him, before you realised he was a liar and a cheat and that you were complicit in his actions? You need to take responsibility for destroying a family and I guess expect that this will eventually happen to you too at his hands….He had his real love with his wife and I’m sure on more than one occasion since he has realised this but I’m sure it was too late. And too late before he realised that it was a different face but same issues!

  13. Anonymous

    #422 I feel your pain…I am in that situation now….how are things for you now?…most people don’t think of us they think we are horrible people but we are just like them….we fell in love, that’s all…hugs to you

  14. Anonymous

    Hello, I have read a lot of these posts and everyone has an opinion about the OW, the MM, the wife, but we have all had different experiences and our circumstances were different and that is why our positions on this are different. I was the OW and I’m not proud of that. I wish it never happened but it did and there were more lows than highs. I was with the MM for 4.5 years I wanted him to love me. He said he did but he really never did. I loved him and I was selfish and I blocked everything else out just to be with him. I lied to my family and friends all the time about where I was going, etc, etc., while in this affair I became the woman he wanted me to be and that is not who I am. I was weak and vulnerable to him. I refused him 1000 times but went back to him 2000 times. I spent my days and nights thinking of him and crying over him and the situation I was in. As you have read over and over, if you are the OW get out of the situation. I’m sure he/she might care for you in some way but not the way you deserve or need to be cared for. I’m embarrassed to have allowed myself to be used and taken advantage of. Did I really love him? How could I? I really don’t know him. His wife asked me what kind of woman sleeps with a married man and she is right. Had I had respect for myself I would have never allowed it. I’m in counselling now and he is with his wife working on their marriage. He has not reached out to me since she found out and I’m thankful for that because I know without a doubt I would see him again. Listen to your gut; it knows the truth. Be good to yourself and kind and mostly love yourself and be with yourself until you are strong enough to venture out into the world to find someone who will truly love you. Hugs to you all…we are all in pain…

  15. Anonymous

    Hi, I am the other woman. We were high school sweethearts (both married) when we reconnected 5 years ago. He was unhappy and so was I. Both left our marriages, though he continued to co-habitate with his ex for 3 years due to financial reasons, not ready to sell their house and him wanting to avoid court. During this time, his wife contacted my ex-husband (still to this day, none of us are divorced), and the two of them began a 4-year full on affair as a result of our actions. During this time, his wife still cried and maintained that she loved my lover (her husband). There were a couple of in-person confrontations between her and I, where she said he was still co-habitating with her, telling her he loved her, and was co-habitating in the same bed the whole time over the 3+ years. She even said they had been intimate and had oral sex on numerous occasions and that he told her he wanted to “work on things” with her and was no longer seeing me. Which I told her she was crazy and none of this was true, it was wishful thinking on her part and she read more into what her husband was saying, hearing only what she wanted to hear. Over the next few months I put my foot down, told him it was her or me. Finally on year 4, he moved out of their house for 15 months and got his own apartment. The whole time seeing me, spending time together, telling me he loves me… yet won’t move in with me, as his job is an hour commute from my house and he says he won’t move in with me until the divorce is final; due to financial commitments he must wait until the house has sold in order for us to get a place together. I have attended his family reunions, holidays with his parents and brothers, and am considered now part of his family. It is understood that he is separated and that his marriage was over long ago, they also know of her affair with my husband/ex. Fast forward to 5 years… after 15 months, he has moved back into the house he shares with his wife. He has been back 5-1/2 months. He states that they share different rooms and it is strictly a roommate situation- she has no job and nowhere else to go. She has since cut off all contact with my ex, he calls me to discuss this often, as he cannot understand how she cut him off so cold, will no longer speak to him for the past 5 months – he really loves her. I feel sorry for him. I still continue to see my lover, we are planning a future together. I understand his living arrangements but am wondering how much longer this will last. My ex called me about a month ago and told me his friend witnessed them together at a beach, this friend also knows her. The friend said they were camping together, headed down the coast. Now mind you, my lover told me he was there by himself, texted me the whole time, says he was there to take pictures with his camera (it’s his hobby). I believe him. When is she going to get a life and move on? Why doesn’t she leave the house, since he is the one paying for it? I think this woman has done enough damage to all of our lives. He is still paying for her everything! My lease is up in December, I’m anxious to have our life together and tiring of waiting/hearing about her. Can you give me any advice on this crazy situation?

  16. Anonymous

    Hello there, I’m #430. I can imagine the turmoil and heartache you are going through. I too sought sexual fulfillment outside of my marriage. It is a basic human desire…My belief is that if you are truly meant to be with this other woman it will happen. If not, then time is the only thing that will help. Your wife will probably intuitively know something is amiss with you but she may keep it to herself. If she is not acknowledging the importance of having your sexual (and with it, intimacy) needs met then I think the marriage is doomed. I presume you’ve had marriage counseling. My case is a little unique, plus my affair partner and I had a deep friendship when we were teenagers. Our sexual affair has now become a love affair but this has taken a long time to get to this point and we are at a place of torment. I wonder if you have been so
    starved of affection and attention that this led to your affair. Your affair partner was probably swept away by the excitement of the affair but the reality of it all was probably too much for a 24 year old to handle. If nothing changes in your marriage then you can either accept the continued death of your soul by remaining in it, get
    out (and feel you have scarred your children for life), or choose to have another affair (more pain).
    Only you can decide.I feel your pain and confusion in trying to make sense of it all. From pain comes growth. I wish you well.

  17. Anonymous

    I’ve been married for 9 years and I feel and know that sexual intimacy has always been lacking in our marriage as far as nt needs go. I’ve expressed this to my wife and she looks at me like a pervert. Anyway, we have two kids and went on vacation with our babysitter. She is 24; I am 36. We innocently talked while on vacation and after the trip we were texting basic stuff since we innocently got to know each other for a week… Well, one thing led to another and we went from having an emotional affair without seeing each other and texting and talking everyday for a month to me flying to see her in Arizona for two days and going to Sedona. It was wonderful, she ended up moving back to the Midwest after she broke up with her boyfriend, not due to me, but being unhappy. My wife does not know about affair…yet but I know it’s coming. I’ve expressed and continue to express my needs in our marriage, but she continues to brush them off. The affair ended due to my affair partner not being able to handle the guilt and worrying about what others would think. I get it but we or I felt we were deeply in love. She told her ex about what happened too. It’s been 3 weeks since she broke It off with me and I am still miserable. I was willing to leave my wife for her and gave her true time frames for when this would happen. I’ve researched the statistics, the likelihood of an affair succeeding, and I still want her and to prove to the world and ourselves it can work. It’s a moot point though since she walked away and hasn’t contacted me since. She also no longer babysits, she keeps blowing off my wife with lame excuses why she cannot babysit. So obviously the storm is brewing. I’m guilty as charged but I do not regret the times we had together. I feel like I really love her but there is nothing I can do. Serves me right I guess with karma biting me quickly and her breaking my heart instead of other way around. Any advice for my messed up head? I’m already going to counseling over all this and just started that so hopefully that helps me. Love sucks…

  18. Anonymous

    #437 You want to believe your view is the only one on this matter. Like I said before, you do not know my circumstances. He never made any promises and I never expected him to leave her. Our time together wasn’t spent eating take out and having sex. He loved us both–and yes, it is possible. We were both satisfied with things as they were. Unlike you, I never needed to “come to my senses”, nor do I act proud–that is your perception.

    It’s true, I was never cheated on. To my husband, I was the only woman in the universe and that’s a very secure place to be. He died of cancer. You don’t need to know anything else except the man I was in a relationship with and I are both over sixty years old. I doubt you have made it to that age yet, so it’s ok if you don’t understand how things are in a long term marriage.

    I’m sorry for the position you are in but you don’t need to assassinate my character. You know absolutely nothing about me and you have gone out of your way to continue to take a stab at me. I suggest you find the woman who your husband cheated on you with and direct your comments to her. Go ahead and have the last word, if that will make you feel triumphant. I have no intention to respond to any more hatred from you.

  19. Anonymous

    To # 436- Glad I amuse you, I like making people laugh. I was cheated on and I have also been the other woman so I have in a way walked in your shoes, but you can not say the same about walking in mine as the cheated on wife.

    I hate to tell ya but you are the one that was living an illusion. They (the cheating partner) all say the same thing, the wife is awful, doesn’t like sex, you are so special, etc. etc. etc., all BS. Which should be very clear to you now, since he is with his wife and not you.

    Just so you know, it is hard to take responsibility for something that you do not know you are doing wrong or for a problem that you don’t know existed in the first place. That would take a cheating husband talking to his wife about these so called problems not the other woman.

    All the pain you may feel was brought on by your own choices. I am not vindictive but I have absolutely no pity or compassion for you or others like you. YOU need to take responsibility. I did take responsibility for my actions when I was the other woman, I came to my senses, got rid of him and moved on. I felt bad that my actions could have hurt someone in a very profound way, someone that had never did anything to me. I do not act proud of my actions like you do. It is nothing to be proud of.

  20. Anonymous

    To #435– Hahaha. You amuse me. I’ll bet you are the poor scorned wife. I’m not in the wife hating club at all. I hardly think of myself as a joke and I have no reason to be ashamed. Nor do I feel any guilt. She is his roommate for all purposes. They have carried on the illusion of a good marriage for over 40 years which made her happy and him miserable. He WAS mine for those six years. He’s gone from my life now and our relationship was good. I’m sure that bothers you. It is none of your business why and how it occurred and until you have walked in my shoes, you have no reason to judge.

    This forum is for THE OTHER WOMAN–that would be me and women like me who didn’t seek out a married man. We end up with just as much or more pain and heartache than the scorned wife. Our journey is lonely and depressing, and I’ll bet that pleases you to hear it. You sound like a vindictive person who’s husband cheated on her.

    So here’s what I have to say to you and women like you–if your husband is/was interested in another woman, there are obviously some big problems in your marriage. Take responsibility here and quit blaming us. Forgive him and work on it from there or walk on.

  21. Anonymous

    #427
    No you are not in the man-hater club but you are in the wife hating club. You say friends who work with her have told you she is jealous and insecure, well who would not be if your husband has been cheating on you for , what did you say 6 YEARS!!! Don’t think she did not know there was something off with her husband. She probably is crazy to some extent because of what you and her husband have been up to for SIX YEARS! You refuse to be part of THEIR drama, what a joke you are, you were just as much involved in causing the drama by deciding to carry on with a married man.You should be ashamed of your actions as much as he is. Boo hoo now you have had to shed some tears how awful for you to loose something that was never yours to begin with. After 6 YEARS of lying to the person he made marriage vows to is not reason enough for you to believe he might have been lying to you too!!! What a joke!

  22. Anonymous

    My husband had an affair while stationed in the AF and I was not able to live with him. Our marriage was fine but he lied to her. She was single. They drank liquor and smoked their heads off and slept together two nights, at least that is all he says they slept together. Needless to say he had condoms with him but she laughed at him and he choose not to use them. GUESS WHAT!!! YES, she got knocked up. He left for a tour of 3 months in Guam. He got the letter, decided not to believe it because she was big jokester and he had written he a letter with a bunch o cock and bull in it and though she was just getting back at him for that. We resumed our marriage after his duty assignment was over and I found a note in his wallet. He did not tell me the extent of the relationship, it was over three – four weeks and he did not say she was pregnant. Fast forward 45 years and yes, the daughter appears. She seems to want a relationship with her father and his family and for me she just represents the sin that she was created thru. I know she is innocent, but where has she and her mother been for 45 years. She is not a small child in need of a daddy. She is married with no children, thank goodness for that. We told our adult children which we regret doing and now she is coming between our children and us. They have all connected with her and one has went so far as to meet her. She has had 27 yeas since she was 18 to find him and they knew what state he was from, his name, etc. Says she found him thru social media but told our son she had sent a letter in mid 90’s which we did not receive. I am having a hard time forgiving my husband of 50 years this July for the selfishness of all this and the denial of a child he help to create thru his betrayal of me. I just want it to all go away!

  23. Anonymous

    It does take courage to end a relationship. It’s time to put the affair partner behind you, just let him go. Write out what you will say–that it is not in YOUR best interest to continue seeing him and it over now. You don’t have to be cruel or mean spirited. It’s just that the longer it goes on, the more difficulty it will be for you. Then call, e-mail, however, but make it clear to him that it’s final. You need some emotional distance to get your life in order.

    If you feel it is best to end your marriage, talk with a counselor, talk with your husband. You are deciding on some major life changes and that is not a coward. You have invested lots of your time to men who are’t emotionally available to you. Not all relationships are affairs or flings and not all marriages are salvageable. I wish you luck. Stay strong in your decisions.

  24. Anonymous

    Thank you #431. I appreciate your comment. Of course you are right. I know that both men in my life are emotionally unavailable and I need to have the courage to end both relationships. Which one do I end first? My affair partner prefers me to be married because I told him if I get divorced I would date other men and I got the feeling he didn’t like that idea.I am being a coward and hoping my affair partner will move further away (he is looking for work in a country much further away) thus I would hardly ever see him, thus breaking that bond.I know I have to leave my husband and I’m having counselling on how best to do that. I obviously have my own issues whereby I think that these men in my life are all that I deserve.

  25. Anonymous

    Dear #430,
    I am sorry your marriage is not satisfying. It seems like you have gotten a raw deal, giving and giving but not receiving. Please though, consider your options. Getting deeper with the affair partner is going to hurt you. (I am #425 and I can tell you the hurt and anger continues as he tries to get his marriage back together….both of them manipulating each other and her trying to manipulate me through him. I have severed all communication.) I understand that the amazing sex and feelings you have for your partner have lit a new spark of life in you. He describes your relationship as “just sex”. That’s not good enough and you deserve more. End your relationship with dignity and move on. As far as your home life is concerned, your husband needs to learn to take care of himself. You son will be ok. I am sure he would want you to be much happier than you are now. Put yourself first, end relationships that aren’t working and free yourself to be available to someone who will dedicate himself to you. You are a valuable person who is worthy of much more.

  26. Anonymous

    I am married to a man with a brain injury. He had an accident before we married. After 10 yrs of dating we married and have one child. I am the breadwinner and even though he is able to work he chooses not to, apart from 6 hrs per week. I supported him for 10 years while he got a university degree. My husband has never been interested in sex. I have always had to approach him and sex was very unsatisfactory for both of us. I reached menopause and realised I wanted to experience great sex. I made contact with my first love. He and I were ever only friends but had a spark.. He lives in another country, 3 hrs flight away, is married also. After 2 yrs of occasional meetings the emotIonal affair became sexual. For me, having only slept with my husband, the sex was mind blowing. I never knew this side of me existed.. I tried to end things with my husband but can’t bring myself as it will destroy him as he is very dependent on me. Plus I don’t want to hurt my son at this stage in his life (17) My affair partner doesn’t want to leave his wife. We see each other about 4 times a year for several weeks at a time. I do love my affair partner but he says its just sex ( whilst also saying he misses me and I make him happy) I don’t want to give up the incredible sex as I feel at 54 I have only just begun to learn about my sexuality.. The guilt is horrific. and I am so miserable. My affair partner also has undiagnosed Aspergers and has trouble coping with all the emotions that are snowballing between us . The affair is 2 years and counting….

  27. Anonymous

    To #428. How do you know your girlfriend isn’t seeing others, only you? How do you know her husband messes around a lot? Because she told you? Cheating spouses become very good at lying and if she’s lying to her husband, she is probably lying to you. If she wanted to be with you, she could easily divorce her husband. There are no laws that I know of forcing people to stay married. You’ve wasted 5 yrs. with this loser and there are lots of nice people out there. Move on. As long as this woman has this control over you and won’t divorce your husband, you are never truly going to be happy.

  28. Anonymous

    I’ve been seeing a married woman for almost five years now. They both cheat expect she’s just been seeing me and he has slept around a lot. We started off as best friends but after a while we fell in love. He knows our feelings for each so he tries to keep us apart. Even though he goes and fucks who he wants. Well a big fight came up between the three of us where her and I ‘ended’ it. And I’ve been trying to move on but I really love her. And she tells me not to leave her but she doesn’t want to leave him. Idk what to do anymore. I just feel lost…

  29. Anonymous

    Of course I considered he could be lying. However, I am not in the man-haters club as many women are. I believe someone until they give me a reason not to. His marriage may not be so terrible, but it is a charade because appearances matter to her. I know who she is because I used to do business where she works. I have a friend who works there too who has confirmed that she is jealous and insecure. We also have mutual friends, one who said he also told him he wished he had never married. His pride as well as her deep religious beliefs have kept them from divorce. She wants him to hate me as much as she does. I don’t care if she succeeds. You don’t think I have already blocked him? I’ve had enough heartache, and I refuse to be involved in their drama. My last sentence says learn from my story.

  30. Anonymous

    To #425:

    Did it ever occur to you that he was lying through his teeth about his relationship with his wife? He was lying to his wife for years about you. If his marriage was so terrible, he was free to divorce and move on. I’m glad you’ve learned from your story. Block his number, block him on FB and move on. Life is way too short.

  31. Anonymous

    I too, am the other woman. This is my story and it is long. Please read it for me and for yourself. I am responding to help myself find closure. Seeing a counselor was a worthless waste of time and money because she refused to consider my feelings. Her attitude was that I needed to be punished, maybe even have the letter A carved into my forehead. I had no one to talk to. I was alone once it was over, and it was very difficult.

    Our relationship lasted six years and would still be going on had he not been careless. She discovered a picture of us that was not deleted from a camera card. I cannot tell you the heartache and stress that this has caused everyone. We were friends and that was all. One day he asked me if I would like to become closer. He confided in me that he was in a sexless marriage and had been for most of their 40 years together. Yeah, we are not kids. I thought long and hard about it and told him we could but it might be just once and we would need to have rules. After much discussion, it began. It was a comfortable relationship and we genuinely cared about each other. It was not a sexual fling. I became his girlfriend. I never pressured him to leave her, I never wanted him to. I was content with what we had. Leaving her for me was not an option.

    I realized that it was more than sex that was missing from his life. We did more talking than romancing in the early months. I watched him become more confident with more self esteem. As he revealed more about their relationship, I was shocked that he stayed. She never touched him, didn’t like sex and rarely let him see her naked. She dictated how they would have sex and when. I don’t know how he even managed to perform. I never heard him say he loved her. He always said she was a good woman. He said more than once that if he had to do it over again, he never would have gotten married.

    Fast forward to that dreadful day. He texted me early one morning to say she had discovered the picture. I was shocked and I felt bad that she had to find out that way. I was also angry with him for being so careless. I told him it was over between us and my heartache began.

    She believes that it happened four years ago and that he only saw me for a month or two. She has unfriended me from his FB page and blocked me from sending e-mails. I had not contacted him but she did this anyway without his knowledge. She also threatened to destroy him and take all of their property leaving him with nothing. She is quite vindictive.

    It took me six months to move on, and I’m not completely over it. Don’t know when or if I ever will be. So this weekend, which is the seventh month, she gave him permission to talk to me. He told me they were in marriage counseling. Good, they have more issues than his relationship with me. So what she wanted him to tell me was the marriage counselor and she want him to call me and tell me that I am not to have any communication with him. She wants to listen in on the conversation.

    Who is this supposed to benefit? Will this make her trust him again? I told him absolutely not. It was not in my best interest and she could just forget that half-baked idea. She wants full control over him which is ok with me, but she will not be controlling me. I told him I would not consent to that and I would not answer the phone if I saw his number. He then said it might be on her phone. Are they crazy? Do I want her to have access to my phone number? I suspect she has already had some of her friends/family call me since the call originated from her former town. She has also been stalking me on FB even though I blocked her access. I did tell him about the phone calls and I have not contacted him since then, and I will not be manipulated by her.

    Yes, I am the other woman. I am not a home wrecker, I do not deserve the punishment that has been doled out to me. Yes, I am responsible for being in a relationship with her husband. He is the one who pursued me. My question to her and to other women in her situation is, where is YOUR responsibility in this? Did you love your husband and take care of his needs? Did you make him feel like a strong, confident man? Did you ever tell him he was handsome, charming and sexy?

    I will not stop existing because she want me to. I truly hope that they can restore their marriage and learn to love each other like they did when they were once in love. I do not think they have been for a long time. I will not be standing in the way. Her insistence that he call me has put me back to the terrible day when my heartache began. I have cried enough tears. I have enough information about their marriage to destroy her like she wants to do to me, but I am not that kind of person. I would not like myself if I did that. I choose to take the high road.

    So ladies, if you find yourself being pursued by a married man, no matter what, tell him to put his energy into making his relationship right with his wife. Tell him that you want no part of it.

    Learn from my story. Thank you for reading to the end.

  32. Anonymous

    I am the other woman.It wasn’t premeditated, or because I have no respect for relationships. I simply did not know. How am I to be blamed for something I have only just been made aware of? What next? Where does this new found information leave me? Heartbroken, devastated, feeling used, and broken, yes all of these things,and much more, all because I trusted him. All because I gave him my heart. How was I to know? Have some compassion people, not ever ‘other woman’ knows what they are.

  33. Anonymous

    To the other woman- He told you I was aware of the obvious emotional connection between the two of you. In fact he flattered himself in telling you I said the two of you were having an affair, which is not the truth. I specifically told him the two of you were being overly friendly in public and that I had run across all of the emails the two of you exchanged. He swore there was nothing going on, hoping I would buy yet another one of his lies. He was only kidding himself. Sure, he’s tried to cover his tracks by since deleting any emails or texts between the two of you, knowing I’d be upset if I discovered he hasn’t ended your relationship, but I’m fully aware the two of you still find ways to connect. Every time he’s communicating with you, it’s less time he’s trying to repair our relationship and family. Yes, our children are fully aware, so please stop trying to warm them over with your charms whenever we attend school events. Keep in mind that if he has an emotional connection with you, he might some day replace you with someone else. Then perhaps you will know what it’s been like this past year for me and my children.

  34. Anonymous

    I was “the other woman” for 2 years…it ended 2 months ago, I got divorced because of this, and he was in the process of divorce as he “chose” me…then his family found out about me and had an intervention; he went back to his wife.
    Yes, I was wrong; you cannot help who you fall in love with…the heart want what it wants…we were compatible in every aspect…he was my best friend, believe it or not.
    So, this is what I can say, maybe we (the other woman/man) do not deserve sympathy. His wife was hurt and betrayed, but so was I. He did promise me a future of finally living out our dreams. I gave my whole heart to him, my soul, my mind, my body…so just imagine when that gets taken away from you…the person you love with all that you are…if that gets taken away, imagine the devastation left in its wake. He is back with his family, he has people that love him, whereas I have lost everything and am labelled the home wrecking whore, although I did not wreck his home cause he is still there. So just try and imagine the heartbreak you feel everyday. So yes, what I have done has come back to me ten fold. Its been 2 months, and I cry everyday. I am no longer the person I was who loved life. That passionate, vibrant woman is now replaced by a ghost of a girl…one who uses sleep to escape the pain, whose once shining eyes are now dead, who has dead butterflies in her stomach every minute of every day, who has thought countless times of ending her life, who has brought all this unhappiness and brokenness upon herself…so yes…maybe we do not deserve any form of sympathy. But just remember while you are now fixing your marriage and life there still is a woman out there who suffers everyday just because she fell in love. I’m sure you are enjoyng the holidays with your cheating husband and he is super attentive to you, trying to make up for the hurt he caused. We don’t have anyone, no one supports us or keep us busy while our minds run riot, while our hearts are breaking, and aching for that person who meant the world to us…you cried when you found out about the affair and maybe every now and then when you think of it…but you still have him. Be thankful for that. We the “others” are alone and have to rebuild ourselves and our lives and many of us just don’t have the strength….so again yes, we, the home wreckers, do not deserve any sympathy…

  35. Anonymous

    I met a man 15 years ago while going through my own divorce (my husband cheated) and this new man had just divorced as well. We have never lived together as we both had children the same age and both of us felt scorned by our former spouses and wanted to wait to get married later in life, if at all. We talked constantly, on the phone via text, all hours of the night when we weren’t together, 100s of text messages a day. We have always talked about everything, it didn’t matter what. We have had this unspeakable bond that even if we weren’t together he would seem to know that I was having a bad day because he “felt it.” It was that special. His adopted son was going thru so many issues over the last 15 years, including jail time (yes, it is true I have seen the court records), that when we were together it was easier to always do it at my place. Last month, on Labor Day weekend, he married someone else. Quite shocked I confronted him and he denied it. I walked. And for 3 continuous weeks all I have heard was his undying love for me and how he wishes he had never married her, that he wont ever leave me that he owns me, he constantly told me this via text and on the phone and in person. But finding out that he has been seeing her for 6 years and she has been planning this wedding in the Bahamas the last year has really made me angry at myself because I didn’t know she existed. Now a month later, it turns out I am the bad guy. This is his 3rd marriage, all 3 marriages he cheated on the spouse, and I have just found out about this as well. She received an email from someone letting her know about me and we have spoken. She doesn’t want to end their marriage because in front of God they took their vows and she has to keep trying to make it work. She also doesn’t want to lose her possessions to him since she just bought a house with him and two dogs. He even went so far to tell the new wife he stayed with me only because I have brain cancer and he felt sorry for me. Which I don’t have. He refuses to tell me he is sorry and not having that closure has hurt very much after 15 years. He has called my mother (via his wifes phone) telling her he has hated me for the last 15 years. He isn’t trustworthy and already now I believe he is sending me anonymous text messages that are blank messages. He and his wife have been blocked on my phone. I want to move on, but still want that closure which I know I wont get, I even changed my job so he cant find me. I unfortunately can’t move. I just need to know if I did the right thing and he wont try to start this up again if he finds me.

  36. Anonymous

    I have been with m married man for 7 years, and he is a huge very involved part of my life. He does everything for me that a husband would do and we feel more married to each other than we ever have to our spouses.
    I ended my marriage 6 weeks after we met. He stays for reasons I both understand and agree with. His wife has had another man and recently a DUI, she is planning on moving out, leaving him the house and primary care of their teen son.
    I would not change one thing with how our relationship has evolved. I would not give him up for anything.

  37. Anonymous

    #418. This man is a coward. Same as my ex-husband was. Things are very comfortable for him. Chances are, his wife does not know about you. I didn’t find out about my ex’s mistress for 2 years. She may find out and kick him out. Then he’ll be allll yours. Do you really want him then? I doubt you are his first mistress. If he lies to his wife, he’ll lie to you. You say you date. Try to focus on that. Perhaps you’ll meet a nice guy. One that is more trustworthy.

  38. Anonymous

    I was helping a friend move one afternoon and another friend of hers showed up amongst countless others; he offered me a beer and since ten hours of packing had passed, I accepted. We chatted, we got along, we talked. I noticed he was texting someone and asked whom… He said his wife. I said, ‘Ok’ and walked away. Disappointed but relieved I found out before anything transpired, though I was enjoying our rapport, complete ease of conversation and complete comfort level before the revelation. Hours later and moving duties aside, a bit more drinking occurred amongst all and somehow he caught me alone and kissed me. I had previously removed myself from him earlier due to his marriage revelation; I was disappointed when he told me, due to how well we clicked but did the responsible and right thing by not continuing my interaction any further. However hours later I wasn’t as strong and gave into to him and a very intense hour or two of intimacy and just wow. He claimed it was his first OW moment in his marriage and we then said goodbye. As far as I was concerned, it was a stupid intoxicated mistake and I thought I’d never hear from him again. He contacted me a few days later on FB and we talked about everything especially that it was a fluke and completely not sought out by either party. He’s married with children and I didn’t want anything to do with such a situation ever. We did keep communicating though… It was just so seamless. I didn’t think it would last a month. Next month it will be three years. Every post on here seems to start emotionally and becomes physical. We started physical but somehow developed to emotional as well. The physical is still just as strong but it’s the emotional connection I don’t know how to leave. I never meant to get involved with him on any level, I even walked away the moment I realized he wasn’t available. Stupidity, I still got sucked in and I haven’t been able to walk away.
    I don’t believe everyone is out to harm others or their relationships. He doesn’t want to hurt anyone and neither do I. I also don’t want to be pining for him as much as I do. I know I’m partly to blame for the continuation of our involvement but I truly did not encourage him after I learned of his marital status. To this day, we never discuss his marriage (his request), only his reason they stay together, his children. He has never complained about his marriage or wife. He does however contact me on every major event… Example: her Birthday, anniversary, vacation, holiday even Valentine’s Day. I do find this very weird. I’ve never tried to break up his marriage and continue to date outside of this continued attraction. I do wish I will have enough strength to end this nonsense, sooner than later. I would like to say i really don’t know what motivates his continuing relationship with me, nor my own with him, but I do believe it is something lacking or not connecting within his marriage that allows things to continue. I’m not making an excuse for myself or him, I just believe that something was/is lacking or missing, from the marriage, for him to stray in the first place.

  39. Anonymous

    410.

    This married man is using you to fill in the gaps of where his marriage is short, but that’s all he needs you for because he is not making a “claim” for you! He obviously still wants his wife. Even though he’s known you all these years he still hasn’t decided to choose you. He chose her and continues to choose her as his wife.

    Is that all you want to be? A gap filler, the spare tire?

  40. Anonymous

    All mistresses, beware as married men that have affairs will use and abuse you, then drop you when they become bored. They will lie that all is terrible with their wives at home, yet they are still there. I’m a victim of an affair. I’m just collateral damage, but my children don’t deserve to be. Don’t be fooled by married guys who are looking for booty call; while their lips are moving they are lying. If they can’t grow a pair of balls and be honest to either party then you know they will never leave their wife and family. Good luck and push for the commitment. And if it’s not there, cut it all loose. It’s not worth the heartache involved for all the casualties.

  41. Anonymous

    I’ve been reading through all these to see if I can find anything similar to my story. I see all sides of it everyone’s situation. The pain of the betrayed, the longing of the OW, the lonely marriage, the excuses, the real love…all of it. And I find myself confused because while the ultimate bottom line may be the same, the details are quite different. And I wonder if it makes any difference?

    I am a divorced mom of two. Ex had an addiction problem that got out of control and the law became involved so I had no choice but to end that marriage of 16 years. After dating a few decent men, I realized I would rather be alone that settle for something that wasn’t perfect for me and my kids. The day I met the man I now love I wasn’t expecting it, nor was I looking. In fact, I was actively NOT looking. Needless to say, the moment we met, it felt as if two worlds collided. The connection was instant. Some will call it lust…and there is a hefty amount of sexual chemistry to be sure. But we both 100% believe that is only a manifestation of what is going on in our hearts and minds. He reads me like a book, seems as though he can read my mind, and we feel each other even when we are apart.

    Again, needless to say, he is married. He is married to a woman who is very very sick and has been increasingly more so over the last 6 years. The have been married for 25 years and had a pretty good relationship although they had a previous separation and he was thinking about separating when she got sick, however, he kicked into “take care of it” mode. Because of her illness, he has for the last several years built a life for himself alone as she can’t get out of bed for the most part. It was just as shocking to him when we met and instantly connected as it was for me.

    Flash forward to almost a year later, we are very much in love. He is a good man and wants to do the honorable thing. He also wants to be with me and have a life that is not as a caretaker for the next 40 years which is very much a potential reality. We both are hanging on as we don’t seem to be able to let go of what we have. We push away the inevitable conversations about how long we can do this. I never ask him to choose. He can’t leave her while she is this ill. So we are all in limbo.

    This isn’t a situation where he is a serial cheater. It isn’t a situation where I feel a competition with her…quite the opposite. I feel sad. I have met the love of my life and don’t want to walk away. He doesn’t want me to walk away either but knows he can’t ask me to stay. Any advice? Anyone out there in this same situation with a sick spouse?

  42. Anonymous

    410 You are just as guilty. You are capable of saying NO, not until your current relationship is over. There wouldn’t be any cheating men if women like you weren’t willing. Sorry – not sorry, but you should be!

  43. Anonymous

    Best of luck to you, 334 (412). Glad you saw the light. You will be happier for it.

  44. Anonymous

    334 here,
    OW x 11 years. I finally got off of death row.
    He was preparing to leave his wife. There is no way I could feel good about a relationship that was leaving a damaged family in it’s path.
    It was hard, he treated me like a princess, but it was still a prison, though beautiful.
    I am now rebuilding my life with self respect.

    Ladies, don’t do it!

  45. Anonymous

    Wow, #410. You are mighty full of yourself and so self-righteous. Yes, you are right, he is the one that made the vows, but you have the option of telling him to get his personal life in order first before sneaking around with him. You have no idea how many people your little affair will affect – it spreads far beyond the husband, wife, and kids. You two both sound selfish and sound like you deserve each other. I hope you have more between you than just mind-blowing sex because that doesn’t last forever. Remember after you both end up together, you are both a couple of cheaters. That does not make a good foundation. What goes around, comes around. You may unfortunately experience the same thing someday. Only then, hopefully, will you fully understand how it feels. P.S. I’m curious, if things are so awesome between you, why are you not leaving your respective spouses to be together?

  46. Anonymous

    I am the other woman also but my lover is the other man. We are both married and had a relationship 15 years ago, eventually married other people and moved on. Or so we thought. We found each other again and began seeing each other. Bad thing for him is, when he got married, his wife found out about our encounters that were going on the same week they said “I do.” He had to rebuild then. If she finds out now she would be completely devastated but I don’t care because she knew he had a girlfriend when she came into the picture and tried to play like there was nothing there. People may have your judgment but for us we love each other, love having sex…it’s mind blowing, and we know exactly what we are doing. If she finds out she will have to come to terms that she tried to make him leave me alone but ultimately it was his decision.

    Which brings me to my next point. I am disappointed with people really slamming and blaming the other woman like it is her and only her doing the deed. Fact is HE said the vows. HE is breaking them not the other woman. If he actually cared about the woman he married, there could never EVER be an OW. Women will always try. Men try to. They don’t have much to lose when they are single. It it the marries person who is to blame for running his or her own damn marriage. Please put the blame where it really belongs and stop making excuses and sheltering these cheating men! I’m ashamed with you women blaming each other while protecting the real culprit!

  47. Anonymous

    Seven years ago I met a man who became a friend of mine and my husbands. We were friends for five years when my husband died. A little over a year later he told me he had loved me since we met. I knew his wife and told him that it would be impossible to start an affair with him. He persued the matter and I finally met him to talk about our feelings for each other. Needless to say that meeting led to a full blown affair. I was in depression from loosing my best friend, my husband and my mother within a year’s time. He made me feel better. I had been married for forty years when my husband died. I had not had sexual relations for the last 25 years of my marriage. My husband had been my first. I told my friend that I had only been with one man in my whole life and had led a sexless life for many years. He kept telling me how much he loved me. He calls it a relationship. He says his wife is a cold fish and that his marriage has been dull and lifeless for a long time. I love him desparately. I know he loves me. But I also know, because of family obligations, that he will never leave his wife. This forum has helped me tremendously. I thought I was the only one out here head over heels in love with a married man, completely lost and desparate for answers. This confusion and guilt is making me sick.

    I will pick myself up and go forward. Love is not enough to make the wrong right. I could write a book on all that has happened in this affair. But, it is a story that is common. Just different names. I did not realize that this could happen to so many people.

    If so many women have had the courage to put and end to their affair I think I can also. I know it will tear my heart out, but better now than later. I am a well respected lady of my community. No one would ever dream that I have been in an affair for a year now. His wife found out about us two months ago and has instructed him not to see me again. This is unfortunate as I know she is very hurt. Of course he has seen me twice in the last two months. But, no more. I will see him next week and I will have the courage to tell him it is over. I want to thank everyone for being courageous and posting their stories. I never dreamed that it could happen to me. I know that most of the world does not understand how easily these situations can happen and there are those that judge us and would like to stone all of us, as the ” other woman” to death. No one can judge me any harsher than I have judged myself. I wish I could undo all of it but I cannot. I can move forward with my life and never let this happen again. That’s the least I can do. I regret that I lost my heart to my best friend. Now I have lost my lover as well as my best friend. This is very painful but I deserve it.

  48. Anonymous

    Thank you for sharing your story, #407. I think yours is a perfect example of things were not greener on the other side. I’m sorry your married man used you so. At least you are moving on. For the sake of your kids, I hope you and your (ex) husband can be friends again some day.

  49. Anonymous

    I have just come out of a 6 month affair with a married man and am trying to repair the damage caused and gain back some self respect. My ex lover and I are both married with kids but both had been unhappy in our marriages for over 10 years. I actually left my husband rather than leading a double life and have him finding out.
    I thought he felt the same as me and that our marriage was over but he was devastated that I was leaving him. Likewise I thought my lover’s marriage was over and he persuaded me that we could only make our relationship work if we left our marriages and lived together but within a week of moving in things began to deteriorate. We both missed our kids and realised that what we had done was wrong.

    I felt we could make some changes and see our kids more but still remain together but he decided to go back to his wife. I can understand this, but what was hard was that he didn’t admit that this is what he was doing…he just said things weren’t working and we needed some time apart. So I held on, hoping we could get back together in some way. I left my home, kids, all financial security and lost most of my friends because I fell in love with this men and now I was just meant to shrug it off after only a few weeks?

    Our affair was not sordid, I thought it was the real deal but now I am left feeling utterly betrayed by him, remorseful for the damage I caused for no more than a few weeks. I am back with my kids trying really hard to make amends and make them feel no.1 again. I am starting a new job, standing on my own two feet and braving it alone but I think I will always be heartbroken for trusting and falling in love with a married man. I only wish I had had the courage to have said no and not moved in with him but to have left my marriage first before becoming involved with someone else.

  50. Anonymous

    Hi #401 #402 and anyone else. The people involved in this sorry story are all around 60. There were no marriages, and no children involved. #405, this bears no relation to what has happened to you. This is about older people who don’t know how much time they have left.

  51. Anonymous

    Hi, #401. #402 here. I did not mean to make you feel bad but take it from me, an ex-spouse who was cheated on, whatever you are feeling right now, magnify that about 10 times for the cheated on spouse, not to mention the kids, and even the extended family. My ex’s daliance tore the family apart, not to mention friends that were lost. His gf has never been accepted by anyone and they live like they are in hiding. I would highly recommend some therapy to get through this episode in your life. Like #404 said, get comfortable with yourself. The rest will fall into place.

  52. Anonymous

    Hi #401,

    I see where you’re coming from and yes, placing blame is not helpful.

    There is a place for you in this world. And there is a person for you in this world. That person is yourself. I invite you to be kind with yourself and do activities you enjoy doing. If you end up meeting somebody else, great. Else, well, just dance like nobody’s watching 😉

    We ought to already be complete, no need to have a second half. That said, yes, companionship is the cherry on the cake.

    Coluche

  53. Anonymous

    Thanks for your response. I am acutely aware that I am to blame for my own misery. I asked for help. You have shown me that there is no longer any place in this world for me.

  54. Anonymous

    #401, I’m sorry, but I don’t feel very sorry for you. What goes around comes around. And he doesn’t sound like much of a prince. You should have put your energies into finding a real man, not one that had no qualms about cheating on his partner. Are you really surprised he did it to you? Don’t worry, karma will catch up to him eventually, too.

  55. Anonymous

    Help. My lover (59 years old) has left his partner of 10 years, dumped me 58 years old (after an affair of over 4 years) and run off with a blonde unknown age, probably around 50 years old (who he says he’s been seeing for 6 months) to start a new life. His father has died and left a lot of money. This blonde has a large expensive house and he has moved in already. He says it’s his last chance of happiness. I am bereft, lonely, spiralling downwards rapidly, can’t see a reason to carry on living. Please help. What a mess, and everyone pays but him. Thanks for reading. I hope someone replies.

  56. Anonymous

    Hi 397,

    I don’t mean to criticize you and your story is clearly more difficult than mine, but if my female friend told me “I love you”, I would only see one appropriate response and that is “go fuck yourself asshole” followed by some other hurtful things to make sure she doesn’t cross the line again – sounds harsh but that is the only way I could respond as long as she’s married.

    Coluche

  57. Anonymous

    I meant “Hi 397” 😉

    Coluche

  58. Anonymous

    Hi #398,

    I would suggest a scenario #5 : provide anything nonsexual that she does not find in her marriage while hoping that she will end up finding it in her marriage. Once her husband starts filling that need, back off and let him take care of her. Have clear boundaries to make sure that nothing sexual happens.

    The more difficult issues:
    – Hope that there wouldn’t be secrecy and that her husband knows what’s going on in the friendship.
    – Find ways to incitate the husband to fulfill needs unmet.

    These last 2 sound great in theory but can be extremely difficult to put in practice.

    For my part, I am also extremely uneasy about talk that involves criticizing the husband, a slippery slope that can lead to comparing you with the spouse, with the risk of you being seeing in a better light… not good.

    No need to be jealous if you don’t want to “own her” (take her away from her husband).
    Just be the best FRIEND you can be.

    Best,
    Coluche

  59. Anonymous

    I am the other person, a woman in love with a married woman. When we met, I didn’t even see her, she grabbed my hand and pulled me out on the floor to dance. Not even first sight- at first touch I knew she was different. She joined me at college, we dated for 2 years. Then it came apart. I was wrecked, spiraled for several months into drugs, drinking, bad decisions- all because I couldn’t face the fact that we were over. That I had contributed to it.

    Over the next few years I moved away and got myself together. She married the man she left me for, they have a child. We shared a lot of the same friends from school, but still we didn’t speak or see each other for over 4 years. I still thought of her every day. This fall we both spoke to a mutual friend, separately, and became aware that the other wanted to get in contact, each of us was just afraid. We began talking, wishing each other the best, apologizing for things that happened in the past. Eventually that lead to talk about feelings that had never disappeared, how we felt about each other. We met up for a ‘one time’ thing, just to get it out and put our past to rest. Reconnecting with her was amazing- it felt like the good times when we had been together. For the past several months we’ve talked daily, professed our love, met up a few more times. A few weeks ago we were able to spend several days together and it was the happiest I’ve felt in a long time. Have I felt guilty- yes and no. I don’t feel guilt about the husband, I never cared for him even before they were together. I feel guilty because I know the stress and guilt is wearing on her.

    Yesterday she told me she couldn’t be that person any more. And I understand. I know that she is a good person, vibrant and beautiful, caring, kind, and sincere. I know the lying was eating away at her. I hate that I was part of something that encouraged her to act against her character. I told her I understood, that I would respect her wishes and keep my distance, that I hope she resolved everything that was causing her to be stressed and unhappy. Truly I want that for her. I want her to be happy. I only wish I could be the cause of it.

    She loves her child, she’s built a life and a home with her husband, but I know she’s unhappy. She’s talked a little about their problems, I tried to stay out of it and not offer my biased opinion. I put myself in her shoes and realize the future she faces for herself and her child: 1) She and her husband work through their issues, recommit to their marriage and she is happy. I tell myself I don’t mind this scenario as long as she’s happy. 2) For the child’s sake she stays in the marriage despite being unhappy, and her life goes on. This outcome saddens me the most. 3) She leaves him. She loses friends, she is shunned and gossiped about. Her outlook and happiness doesn’t improve. She struggles, is worried and stressed more than ever. This ending I fear. 4) She ends it, lives how she wants. She makes her own happiness, loves her life. Perhaps eventually I fit in to this scenario.

    I love her. It is dramatic, but I don’t think there’s another person who can love me and make me happy like she does. She told me that she would be thinking of me, that she loved me still, and I believe her. I know that ending it has more to do with her life, her feelings about herself, and less to do with me and how she feels about me. I fantasize about us ending up together, but I know it’s only a wild hope. I know I have to come to terms with losing her the first time, and this thing we’ve done now.

    I’m not posting this to be judged or criticized. It’s my way of dealing with all the complex feelings and thoughts that go along with this. The comments I’ve read are harsh and quick to judge. Lying, deceiving is never a good thing. But things are not black and white, it’s never that easy. I read the advice people give, here’s mine: the bad outweighs the good. The guilt is impossible to scrub out. The happy moments are shadowed by jealousy. Thank you for reading. Good luck.

  60. Anonymous

    Hi,

    (I am the other man – I am married but felt more lonely than had I been single, more on that). The issue is not about preserving my marriage (it’s gone), but about preserving the girl’s marriage. I want this friendship to last (years) – she is an important person to me.

    Except of course that I’m not having an affair – I researched emotional affairs, came to the conclusion that the factors are:
    1) Guilt – had that twice, first time spoke with my wife, second time confronted the girl
    2) Sexual desire – none of that
    3) Desire to have a romantic relationship – none of that
    4) Secrecy – none of that, I attempted to disclose and be as open as possible with my wife

    Problem is that from the perspective of the girl, the only thing that I am certain she does not have is guilt. When I confronted her, she seemed oblivious to the whole thing, believed that my imagination was going wild and since I had brought up the topic 🙁 we ended up speaking about sex (not about us, mostly about what she doesn’t get from her husband), which was not the desired outcome, hence I’m doubtful that confronting her is the way to go.

    Treasured, but used: Well, we never had sex, never met in person, so this one’s easy.

    Intimate, but isolated: Well, I’ve been isolated pretty much my whole life, so the only change is the intimacy – which yes was greater than with my wife, hence the guilt – also gave me the balls to talk to my wife about the way I felt for years, to which she was like, well, if XYZ is what you want in a girl, well I’m not her.

    Free, but a prisoner: A little bit of that. Not that I forego pleasurable activities (we had this thing in my marriage, called compromise as in “I compromise myself”), I didn’t have any. But yes, some night I want something to pop up on the online chat and it doesn’t – but I didn’t obsess about it.

    Safe, yet in danger: YES, THAT FREAKS ME OUT, I WANT TO KEEP HER AS A GREAT FRIEND, BUT I AM SCARED THAT HER BEHAVIOUR IS CONSISTENT WITH AN AFFAIR – WHICH WOULD BE ENDED

    Self-righteous, yet guilty: I DO NOT WANT ANYBODY TO CHEAT ON ANYBODY. I WANT HER TO DISCLOSE OUR RELATIONSHIP TO HER HUSBAND. NOT SURE (understatement) THAT ME CONTACTING HIM DIRECTLY IS THE WAY TO GO. ALSO, IF THINGS ARE NOT RIGHT IN HER HEAD (I see dilated pupils, playing with hair, asking (as a theorical question) “do you think that humans are meant to be monogamous?”, her wearing stuff on the day before valentine’s day that says “I love you” in my native language (granted it’s French) not her husbands, and that even fails to mention her husband when she posts the photo online – thank god it didn’t mention me either). SO, IF THINGS ARE NOT RIGHT IN HER HEAD, I’M NOT SURE THAT IT WOULD BE THE RIGHT TIME FOR HER TO DISCLOSE OUR RELATIONSHIP TO HER HUSBAND.

    Powerful, yet powerless: Funny this one, should try that “I give you an ultimatum, by X day, you need to stay with your husband”

    Feeling very good/very bad about yourself: Might not be 100% as measured by time spent, but it certainly feels like she is 100% on my side, which seldom was the case in my life, there might have been 1 other person*, not sure. It didn’t feel like my mother or my wife were as much on my side/able to relate with me.
    * that person was a female friend I had a platonic relationship with – she had a boyfriend. Difference being that back then I wanted to fuck her, and I was the single one – and she kept me in my toes. Whereas with the girl now, she is married and she is the one who I am afraid wants to fuck me.

  61. Anonymous

    #394, 393 here. I could kiss you. So well put. If the spouse and the OW/OM would really stop and think how much this will affect the people around them, perhaps they wouldn’t get involved with one another. But sadly, whether it’s an affair or some other “vice,” people can be really selfish and just don’t give a damn about how it affects other people, so long they are being gratified.

    When I discovered my husband’s affair, it was two years in (he admitted to two months at first, then fessed up). I have no idea what he was telling her about me but things seemed fine in our marriage. We were making plans what we were going to do around the house later that year with remodelling and fixing up the yard. This was not a guy getting ready to leave the marriage. He stupidly left “cryptic” notes in sort of diary fashion is how I figured out about the affair. I think the OW was doing what she could to get my husband to leave me. Several months earlier, she told him she thought she was pregnant. I can’t believe he fell for that for three reasons: one, she was still seeing her husband regularly; two, at age 44, she had never had kids; and three, my husband had had a vasectomy 19 years early and I never got pregnant in all those years.

    Next, she was flat out giving him an ultimatum to leave me and still he wouldn’t make a move. He never made a move till 2 or 3 months later when I found those notes. He left the next day but didn’t move in with her for several days. He came back to talk to me a week later and that’s when he laid all the familiar lines one me, “I’m not sure if I’ve ever loved you,” that sort of stuff. I remember him saying he wanted to “see this thing through” and that was it. He later admitted that he never meant any of that, that he’s always loved me, blah blah blah.

    I went through such torment and anguish for 9 months. I couldn’t believe this was happening to me/us. I started seeing a therapist and it helped immensely.

    Long term, it has torn our immediate family apart. Our kids are grown but my son has really struggled to deal with the whole thing. He has no relationship with his dad now, and in recent months, he has even started staying away from my daughter and me. My husband’s family was soooo disappointed in him. Some talk to him, others are very uncomfortable around him. As I stated above, as far as we know, he is still with the other woman but he has yet to introduce her to anyone. Our daughter only lives about 2 miles from him but the only time he will invite her over (twice in 2 years) is when the GF isn’t going to be around. He took her to a friend’s daughter’s graduation party almost 3 years ago. I guess he wasn’t expecting anyone else to be there that he knew. When another couple (people we were/are friends with), he was so horrified and embarrassed, he immediately left the party. She is still married to husband #2 and appears to spend holidays with him. Often, my now-ex is alone on holidays.

    I’m sure he never told her that he came to me twice wanting to reconcile and admitted to me that he realized the grass wasn’t greener. He wouldn’t agree to go to counseling with me so I ended it.

    As others have said, if you truly aren’t happy in your marriage, look for a way to get out of it before starting a relationship with another. The humiliation of sneaking around and the grief that comes about once the affair is discovered, cannot possibly be worth it all.

  62. Anonymous

    Wow, I have so much to say on all of this. I am not even sure where to start. I recently (little over a month ago) found out about my husband’s affair. He and I have been married for more than 17 years, and he carried on the affair (long-distance) for more than 16 months. They were only together a total of 10 days over this 16 months and the rest of the “relationship” was via phone and text message. I just want to share with all of the OW/OM’s out there what happened when I found out. Then I want you to sit back and think about the situation that you got yourself involved in.

    I confronted my husband once I found out. He immediately said that he didn’t want to leave me and that he loved me and wanted to make things work with me and live a long, happy life with me. There was NO HESITATION. He called the OW that night and permanently ended it (which he tried to do before, but the OW called him the next day to remind him how “miserable” he was with me. The affair continued then even though she knew he wasn’t leaving me). He gave me access to everything and we started counseling the next day. He realized that he never loved the OW- that she was just filling in the gaps that he was missing at home. By no way am I saying that we had a perfect marriage, but it was ours, and it was something that we could have worked on. He doesn’t think about the OW (wish I could say the same). Thinking of the affair makes him sick now. How’s that for someone who you as the OW thought was “in love with ” you? He is ashamed of what he did with you. He wishes he never met you.

    My husband lied to the OW the entire time. He lied to everyone. He and I were still having sex. He and I were still celebrating anniversaries and holidays and going on dates. He and I were in counseling together earlier in the year to try to fix our vacations. He and I took vacations together and were making plans for our future- all of this was left out when talking to the OW. Your whole “relationship” is a lie. It’s based on fantasy and escape.He was never going to leave his wife and children. Remember that you are the secret. He doesn’t talk about you to anyone. He hasn’t introduced you to family and friends. He has to hide you. That is not love. You are nothing more than something to fill an empty space. Someone who came along at a time when he was most vulnerable. Truth be told, it was the perfect storm. You can’t tell your family or friends about him. You can’t post pictures of things you are doing together. It’s a dirty secret. It’s not a relationship.

    Affairs are seldom about the OW/OM. They are about what the spouse doesn’t feel like he/she is getting at home. Most betrayers are never going to leave home for you. And if they do, then what? You are dealing with the fallout of a divorce. And children who will be competing for your attention. And an ex-wife/husband who more than likely will be a tad bitter. And then all of a sudden, fantasy becomes reality. And reality simply isn’t as much fun as fantasy. You have to start being YOU and stop being the you that you want the other person to believe you are. All of a sudden, there is no excitement. Life sets in.

    No good can come out of an affair. A lot of people get hurt- some people get destroyed. Can you honestly say as the OW/OM that you would feel good about breaking up a family? About taking someone’s parent away from them? About having someone with you who you aren’t sure if they still love their spouse? Because, guess what? In most cases, they still do. They tell you the bad things so they can justify what they are doing. They make things worse at home so that the atmosphere at home becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. All a lie.

    If you are the OW/OM, have enough respect for yourself and for your affair partner to get out. You are both to blame for what is happening, but don’t try to convince your partner to leave (especially by sending an article stating kids of divorce come out ok, like what happened in my case). You don’t have to do it for the injured spouse- but do it for the one you think you “love”. Do it just to be a good person. And try and think how you would feel if it happened to you.

  63. Anonymous

    Well said 391. I agree wholeheartedly, except on one point. I always felt that it was a 50/50 thing with my husband and the OW. She knew he was married and could have walked away. I always had a really good relationship with my husband and had been married over 20 years when the affair began. Things continued normally in our marriage except the sex dwindled down to nothing (that started with some health issues with him, a story in itself) .I’m sure it can be argued that if it hadn’t been with this woman, it would have been with someone else. I’ll never know. We have since divorced and he is still with her but to this day, nearly 4 years since the affair was discovered, he has yet to introduce her to anyone or take her to any family functions, etc., etc. Seriously, can someone explain that to me? He’s always been very complacent and I suspect that if anyone will be leaving the relationship, it will be her leaving him some day.

  64. Anonymous

    Interesting to me that the affair partner always seems to convince themselves that the married person they are seeing is in an ‘unhappy marriage’. Or if the betrayed spouse ‘were doing their job properly they would never have strayed’. While this may be true in some cases, the majority of the time there is nothing wrong with the MARRIAGE the problem lies within THEMSELVES. My husband cheated and I have NEVER blamed the OW nor has he ever blamed me for his failings. If they thought so little of their spouse or their marriage and so much of the affair partner they would certainly leave. My husband never stopped complimenting me, he never stopped telling me he loved me nor did we stop being intimate. Im sure this would be a surprise to the affair partner but is true in most cases otherwise the betrayed spouse would be suspicious/unhappy no?? If he is lying to his spouse with whom he has promised loyalty and respect he is capable of lying to you as well. Affairs rarely last in the cold light of reality, they are merely a distraction, nothing more.

  65. Anonymous

    The article:The Other Woman: Revealed
    This post was written by a reader in response to my post, Second Letter to the Other Woman. It’s likely a familiar timeline to many Other Women. But to we betrayed wives, the affair can look magical from the outside. My reader, who’s experienced her own betrayal, also wrote this:
    Through my pain I can feel some sort of satisfaction knowing that at the back of the OW minds, they really must know deep down how gullible and stupid they are. My husband’s failure is what I will deal with, hers, well, who cares.

    She writes:
    A little insight into how the other woman feels. This was from a friend who doesn’t know that I’ve been betrayed. I knew about her affair partner but I’m ashamed to say I only took an interest once it had happened to me and the fact that we didn’t catch up much as we were thousands of miles away.

    Week one of her affair: They met at a convention. Drinks after the meeting, mutual attraction. She was single he was married, which she knew. Ended up in bed by the end of the week. She told me of the flattery: He’d “never had sex like it”, she was “the most beautiful woman” he had ever seen, she ” got him”.

    Weeks 2 and 3. He went to her apartment for dinner and more sex. Took her some flowers and champagne. He opened up more about his wife, how the marriage was dead, and he was only staying for the kids.

    Months 2 and 3. They meet at least three or four times a week. He has now told her he loves her. He can’t stand being without her. She is having the time of her life. Dressing up, being admired, little gifts. I tell her to watch out. Her heart will be broken. And doesn’t she think of his wife and kids? Yes, she did, says she felt terrible at first but now she realises they ” were meant to be” and besides, the wife is a real ogre, moans all the time, they sleep in separate rooms.

    Months 4 and 5. Still going well and she still adores him. Bit upset he couldn’t spend her birthday with her and she was hoping to take a little holiday with him. She gives him the key in case he can turn up or if the old bag of a wife gives him too much grief he can spend some time at her apartment. After all, he will probably be moving in one day.

    Months 6 and 7. She tells me she’s getting a bit pissed about the situation. She really thought by now he would be putting some plans into place about leaving, you know, stashing some money in a different account for when he moves. She finds out the family are going on holiday together. Why would he do that when he can’t stand her? Well, you know, united front for the kids and all that.

    Months 8 and 9. He has started cancelling a few times. Still says he loves her and they will be together one day. She’s had to keep him secret from her friends, so she’s missing out on her social life.

    Months 9 and 10. She decides to do a drive-by past his house. WTF, there he is in the front garden with the ogre of a wife, who quite frankly would give Julia Roberts a run for her money. How can he be laughing with her? She doesn’t tell him she went by the house. Actually, he never told her exactly where he lived but she found out one day from his wallet. He always told her his wife never had Facebook. Oh dear, big mistake, especially when the photos are public. That holiday that was only for the kids, well, there was an awful lot of affection going on, and what was that picture taken at Christmas of the whole family on the bed opening presents looking like the Partridge family? Then a close up picture of the gorgeous eternity ring he bought her. She had never seen him look so happy.

    Cut to the present day. She confronted him. Told him he had to make his mind up. That she wasn’t going to wait. He apologised and said sorry, she was lovely but he did love his wife and his head was turned. Begged her not to tell his wife.

    It cut like a knife hearing her story, I wanted to shout ” You bitch, how could you?” But when she cried on my shoulder and said she felt such a fool, used and abused, he was stringing me along all the time. She said that she felt inferior to the wife and the compliments meant nothing as she knew they were just words to get her into bed.

    The final piece of her humiliation: My friend, the OW, went to a book club organised by a friend of a friend. And yes, his wife was one of the members. After a few weeks of being in the same room, she hears one evening after a few glasses of wine what a great sex life this woman has with her husband. She seems a happy woman. My friend said she wanted to destroy her happiness that evening by blurting out the truth. She hasn’t so far.

    I don’t think she would benefit from apologising. She’s humiliated enough already, she would feel even more like trash. She phoned the other day, but I felt I didn’t need a friend like this in my life. I cut her short, said I would phone back. Haven’t yet.

  66. Anonymous

    Amen, #389. My husband of over 25 yrs. decided to get involved with a married woman. She is on her second marriage and although I don’t know for sure, I have a feeling she may have been cheating on husband #1 with guy #2. Now she’s with my now ex and although she gave him an ultimatum on who he wanted to be with, she won’t divorce her own husband now. I told my then husband to have fun, they are both cheaters and it would be interesting to see how much they trust one another. They are still together 3-1/2 yrs. later and live together, yet she spends all holidays with her husband and no one in my ex’s family, including our grown kids, have met this woman that was so worth throwing everything away for.

  67. Anonymous

    LOL if you are the other woman and get involved with a married man you just have to remember that he is cheating on his wife with you. Are you sure you want a cheater. And what makes you think you are so special and his wife is evil, boring e.t.c? The lies this douchebag fed you? I have been cheated on by my husband. The best revenge I can offer the other woman is to let her have the cheater all for herself. Soon after the pink haze of the affair disappears, the moron will cheat on her, too. I will have the last laugh and the best!

  68. Anonymous

    Well done #386. So well put. As regards #387 and his/her retort, I think you missed one of the big points that 386 was making. If you are unhappy in your marriage why not just get out before having a “lifeboat” to jump into. You mention marriages broken “for centuries” and suddenly a married partner finds someone they can be happy with. If a marriage was broken for that long then why in the hell can’t the person who is unhappy realize that and just leave of their own accord without having a safety net. Why do they have to wait for another person or “lifeboat” to come along before making the jump. Have a bit of courage and guts and also confidence in ones self not to mention respect for their married partner to leave gracefully and civilly. You mention that they decided to stick it out all of these years and they should not be ostracized for moving on. Fair enough point but why did they wait until they met someone else before leaving. Life is too short to be unhappy but have a bit of courage and leave as an independent person when you realize it’s not working….. My personal opinion is that anyone leaving an unhappy marriage for an affair partner is a coward who would likely never have left unless there was someone else’s arms or bed to run into. I’ve seen it so many times and have personal experience of it. I would love to see the statistics on how many marriages end without having the influence of another person involved waiting in the wings. I doubt it’s very many…and why….because the unhappy person is generally a coward who lacks self esteem to take that plunge independent of anyone else.

  69. Anonymous

    # 386, you are assuming that the OM or OW were never in a relationship of their own. What if they were and faced similar situation themselves before deciding to move on and eventually finding the MW or MM who is perfect for them and vice-versa. Why do people have to work on marriages if they were broken for centuries and suddenly the Married partner finds another person who they can be happy with. Now the partner who had neglected the marriage wakes-up and wants to devote his/her attention to the person having an affair. Why not just end it? Life is short. If they decided to stick it out all these years, why are they ostercized for moving-on.

  70. Anonymous

    Oh my gosh!! I cannot believe how many people are justifying lying and cheating with a married person. “I am in love with a married person and I know he/she loves me…” I am in a loveless marriage, so I needed to find love.” PLEASE people. You are all kidding yourselves. You are all in love with the IDEA of falling in love. Having an affair is so easy compared to being married. Of course, everything is wonderful. You haven’t seen times of unpaid bills, sickness, late work nights, deaths of parents, children, etc. How many of you have actually WORKED on your marriage, worked on changing YOURSELVES. Always blaming your spouse for your unhappiness when you really should be looking inward. Shame on those who have ruined other families because you took the “cheating spouse” away from his/her focus on the family. If the marriage is over, have some self respect and respect for others by getting divorced and then finding another mate. What I have read in many of these entries is from immature children masquerading as adults.

  71. Anonymous

    Hello #1 through #384,

    I’m a MM who is in love with the “OW”. I believe that I could easily and happily spend the rest of my life with my lover. The problem is that I had a big unresolved issue with my parents: he was a weak, alcoholic, physically abusive father and she was a controlling, narcissistic, loveless mother who I refer to as “18” because of the sum of the “666” on the back of her neck. The problem surfaced as I was about to divorce and take up with my lover. Instead of announcing THE news she has waited for for the last several years, I inexplicably told her I couldn’t divorce. She reacted as I would expect any woman who has been rejected and she hasn’t spoken to me for the past four months: no emails, no phone calls, no letters and no personal visits. Anything I was doing was totally counterproductive and I stopped trying but I feel miserable about how and why I did what I did to her and want to make it right but it is next to impossible if she will not talk with me. My emotional baggage is gone; it took the last four months and a great deal of pain to come to grips with the fact that neither of my parents cared for or love or gave a damn about me. I miss her and want very much to reconcile with her and get her back in my life. Perhaps with your collective experience, you could tell me how to go about getting the love of my life back with me. Thank you.

  72. Anonymous

    I am sorry to hear about your end to the affair. Why will you need to fill the void? Did you not have a busy life before you started the affair? Why did you end it?

  73. Anonymous

    To # 381:
    I was the OM, and my affair ended in a similar manner about a year ago. I wanted to ask you first why did you end it, and how did it happen? Why did you choose NC? Did you speak with the other guy before ending it?

  74. Anonymous

    TO # 381:
    I think that is the right way to do it. But, why did you end it if things were so great? Did you discuss with the OM before going NC. Did the OM just leave you alone and not come knock on your door?

  75. Anonymous

    interesting site.. such a wide variety of comments. Mine also is similar. I was wondering how the OM felt. He just broke it off with me, after 2+ years. He is single and I am married. I tried to stay to keep my feelings from him at bay. We were intense with our feelings, and the sex was great. My marriage is sexless and lacks any intimacy of any kind. We have been like brother and sister for years..too many. I am trying to find the strength to leave, as I know this is wrong. My OM and I enjoyed time together every week and weekend. I guess I never thought about what he felt. He always said he was ok with what we had. I always made time for him, and, rarely ever canceled any plans. He never made the plans, or tried to contact me as much as I did. He said he wants someone of his own, and I can understand that. I am moving forward trying the NC rule. The next problem I have to address is my “marriage” or lack of it. Know my OM has given me strength I never thought I could have. He also gave me the feeling of being wanted, and needed, like a woman; not like a roommate. So many hours we spent together, golfing driving around and just hanging out. I will have to find something positive to fill that void..soon

  76. Anonymous

    I was the other woman.. I just ended a two and a half year affair. This man was my physician in the beginning, I trusted him with everything and could talk to him about anything. I’m not making excuses for my actions, I knew what I was doing but this man made me feel like I was the most important person on the face of this earth. Advice to all those ” Other Women” out there ,GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN!! I felt so guilty and ashamed that I could not bare it anymore, it was consuming me. I decided to tell my husband about the affair. It was a devastating blow to him and I look at him everyday and ask myself ” How could you do such a thing” I am one of the lucky ones and my husband forgave me. It’s going to take a lot of work and time to rebuild that trust and I’m willing to do anything to save may marriage. For those ‘ Other Women” he will lie and tell you everything you want to hear. In time you will find out the hard way not to mention your reputation will be ruined. I’m looked at as the home wrecker, whore and have lost so many friends. This man gets off scott free with no social backlash at all, it’s all my fault. Are you willing to risk the humiliation? I personally think the best way to end an affair is to tell your partner and be truthful. I know this is a big risk for some but you’re already living a life full of lies, is this how you really want to continue your life?

  77. Anonymous

    I have never gotton over the deep love i feel for the other woman. Thank god she ended it or both our lives as we know it would hve been destroyed. Our spouses and childern, trust destroyed and all our family members inlaws would have been deeply hurt because we became so utterly selfish and weak.

  78. Anonymous

    I left him no contact ended it one day on the phone because it hit me that I would not settle for crumbs. We met on December 22, 2000. It turned out his wife had left him (I always expressed that his wife left due to his cheating ways) I don’t know, but he is friendly and social, charming smooth and handsome with an incredible physique. She took their four and six year old girls. It started to snow and he assured me his situation was worse. We bonded. Two years later he decided to return to his wife who moved to Florida. He did help me in many ways and made me feel loved and beautiful. My father died that April. He was by my side. His died a year later. But he left for Florida I tried the long distance every day phone calls thing but started to feel more jealous or resentful that he was in paradise and rubbing it in. I visited him once. It was nice, but never close to what I needed. The separation anxiety was unbearable. I ended it soon after went back to my son’s father who stopped drinking on and off.
    Finally he rang my bell three months ago. I wanted to run to him. Looked in the mirror and saw I had gained sixty pounds after having two more babies and marriage counseling for two years now. I firmly said, “Who Is It? He said his name, John, and it would not register. I have a few John’s in my family. I could not place the voice until he said my name. It was like music to my ears. I got so scared. My mind thought of everyone and especially not tainting my vows. I said in a strong voice “You have the wrong house.” He came back two days later, (I swear in my heart I knew he was coming. I took my kids out that day. There was no way I was going to face him especially with my husband there. I was in a panic, I think from the pain. He rang and my husband answered. He brought a girl (maybe a niece) or who knew to ask for me. She asked for me and my husband said “She’s not home”. After a couple of those. John spoke and said “let me in” to my husband. At this point my husband was heading out the door and they were heading in the car which took off. I keep going over why I did not open the door. Was that for the best? Half of me thinks so. I did not want to give him anything. I did not care. I felt my marriage threatened and possibly weak for his love. I thought of him for a quick second before automatically changing the thought away from him and praised myself for how far I have come along. I was numb for a month and screamed on November 1, 2014. I have been crying ever since. Don’t think I can get through this again. One minute I’m so empowered by not opening that door the next I am crying for the comfort he gave me. I can’t believe I am stuck on this……again. My husband has been the nicest and attentive to me since then. He was mad for a couple of days. Felt good he was jealous for the first time in years. I told him so. My husband met him in the past once before and they had a few words. This story is so much for me. It doesn’t have to be. If he cared he would have came back years ago. If he cared he would have……………….

  79. Anonymous

    I’m reliving so much right now. My step-daughter is getting divorced. She’s been having an affair for over a year. She doesn’t love her husband even though he’s a great guy who is good to her. She’s head over heals in love with the douchebag she’s been having this fling with and I’m sure thinks they’ll have a lifelong fairy tale relationship.

    It’s killing me because I’ve been there. I was with my ex wife almost 19 years, before she cheated on me and dumped me. We didn’t fight. People thought we were the perfect couple. I tried to make her happy, but over time she got yo where she couldn’t stand me for whatever reason and was perpetually offended and impossible to please and we drifted apart.

    When I found out about the other man, I wanted to kill him. Years later I still hate that man and although I normally don’t hold grudges and don’t believe in revenge, I have spent years destroying his business. It’s become a hobby, and share prices are going for a fraction of a cent a share even after a 20,000 for 1 reverse split a few months ago. They haven’t been together in years, but this con man and his associates rip people off for a living and I refuse to let them succeed. I am a trial lawyer and an excellent investigator and I suppose I’ve developed an unhealthy obsession learning everything there is to know about him and his associates, helping people sue them (although they never pay on the millions in judgments they owe) and ruining their name in investment forums. It’s easy because they’re so shady and there is plenty of public information to make light of that fact. I really should let it go, but it has become somewhat of a hobby and part of me wants this man to suffer until he finally learns to be a decent human being who doesn’t screw people over, which will likely never happen.

    So now my stepdaughter wants everybody to accept her affair parter just a couple of weeks after the affair was discovered and everything fell apart. I think she’s delusional. This relationship will not work out. She’ll get tired of him too. Her soon to be ex husband has a heart of gold, looks like a model, tall dark and handsome and no stranger to the gym, makes a great living, is reponsible and a great father. He loved her dearly and wanted to grow old with her. Of course now he’s devastated and crazy. I’m in the middle a little and hate that. I want to be supportive. I want the kids to be okay. I want him to be okay, her to be okay. I feel for him, because I’ve been right where he is, and I feel for her because she’s really not a horrible person, just a screwed up unhappy person who really messed up bad, but we all mess up. I don’t hate my ex wife. I’ll always love her. She’s the mother of my kids and I spent most of my adult life with her and wanted to grow old with her. She’ll always be family in a way. She couldn’t help that she didn’t love me. Cheating sucks, it made for a horrible end to our relationship, but stuff happens. That short period of our long relationship does not define the whole thing. She is much more than the woman who cheated on her husband. That is not the sum total of who she is and if I’m honest I know I could have done it too had I let myself get into tempting situations. I was dying for love and apprectiation, dying to be wanted, to feel sexy, to feel like a man. I had to purposely avoid temptation. I knew that if an attractive woman touched me just right, looked at me with eyes that wanted me, I was liable to slip up. I had very little willpower left myself.

    Anyway, I hate reliving all of this now six years after I found out about my ex wife’s affair. It still hurts. I still hate the affair partner. I wish I knew what to say to my stepdaughter and step son-in-law. I want them to be okay, but both of them are in for a very rough time.

    If you are in an affair, get out. If you’re the other man, somebody is liable to kill you or ruin your life. You will destroy a family. You will hurt innocent children if they have children. You will get caught eventually. Her family and friends will for the most part hate you or at least have no respect for you. The excitment will definitely wear off in your new relationship, and the relationship will likely fail and all that will come out of it is enormous hurt for so many people. Break it off, don’t get into anymore of these relationships. They all end badly and it’s worse than you can possibly imagine for you, her, the kids, this husband who is probably a good guy who has tried a lot harder for his wife than she knows and certainly a lot more than she has shared with you.

    If you are the one being cheated on, I am sorry. It’s going to hurt for a long time. Can you save your marriage? I don’t know, usually not. It was already bad probably and an affair is just going to make it a lot harder to climb that mountain and turn things around. I begged my ex wife to stay with me even after finding out about the affair, but that just prolonged the inevitable for a little while. It was a disaster. Now I understand that we just weren’t right for each other and that life can be so much better than the life I was living. It’s no fun being with someone who doesn’t love you and appreciate you, someone who is always down on you.

    Don’t forget the good in your marriage but don’t ignore the bad either. I didn’t even know how bad mine was until I found myself in a good relationship later. My current wife is gorgeous, loves me to death, thinks I’m the sexiest man on the planet. Our sex life is phenomenal and hasn’t let up a bit in over four years. We had more sex in probably two and half years than my ex wife and I did in 19. This one doesn’t go crazy with credit cards. In fact, she’s super thrifty and knows how to enjoy the simple things in life, and she’s educated and intelligent and even earns more than twice what my ex wife earns (and weighs half as much as her.) We have never fought and there is no tension or resentment built up between us. We’re both easy going and sort through any relationship issues well. My life is good. I was one woman’s trash and now I’m another woman’s treasure, and this one is a great person who is much better suited for me. We’re both loving life.

    You can have that too. In fact it’s easier for okay looking guys that make a decent living. Women of all ages come out of the woodwork for us, even if you’re middle aged and not feeling like the stud you used to be.

    Own up to any past failings. Bad marriages have symptoms that manafest as bad behaviors and no matter how good you think you were as a spouse, there is no doubt room for improvement. Be a better spouse next time. Be a better person. One door may have closed for you but others will open. Your life is full of possibilities now, full of opportunities, and now is the time to create the life you always wanted.

  80. Anonymous

    I was with a married man and he left his wife for me…or maybe his wife left him and he was left with me. We have been together for 4 years now and planning our wedding. But I wish I did not. I wish I can go back in time and undo what I did.i love him so much but my insecurities are killing me; what if he does the same to me. When that is not bothering me it is the guilt of what I caused kills me. I am sure I will rot in hell…all in the name of love or infatuation. At one point I turned my back on all my friends and family because they did not accept him.

    We all wonder if it will be different with your affair but society has silent rules and norms with which we where all brought with with. We know it is wrong. It’s just a vice. Stop what you are doing. Save yourself from what I am going through. All relationships have problems but being with a married man brings sooo much more. And if they have kids; it’s even more problems!

    I am faced with the problem of canceling the wedding now; I initially wanted it so. He used to make me feel so complete. Now I am beyond empty.

  81. Anonymous

    I’ve been involved in an ongoing off-again/on-agan affair with an ex-coworker. When I met him 10 years ago, he was with his current fiancee, and I was engaged.. We both broke off our relationships, only to have him break my heart and not finalize a relationship with me. A few years later, we hooked up again, he broke my heart again. That happened another time a few years later, and now, for the past 6 weeks we have been having sex and cheating on our significant others. He cheats with me whenever he is with this particular woman.. And now, they have a child and they are expecting another one (he is not aware that I know this). Obviously I have some self-esteem issues.. I know I should be ending this, I just can’t find the strength. I just wish I knew whether he has any kind of emotional feelings or attachment to me.

  82. Anonymous

    I got involved as the Other Woman in this affair. I’m rereading my old messages to him because in short time, I will be giving these to his wife. We have been in communication since a few days ago. I reached out to her because for someone who was separating/divorcing, his back and forth business was confusing me. In fact so many things confused me. He would claim it was a loveless marriage… and then that he loved me so much … and would divorce her and marry me… all before we even did that step. However, she had discovered the affair a month in and had tried to reach out to me. He told me she was just being crazy and it was about money and they really did live in separate rooms. I believed him instead of calling back. He started playing this insane back and forth game. Maybe I was just meant to be a short affair for him and he had no intentions of leaving her like he had claimed. But he left my home after moving in (to force her to reconcile) and I figured out he was there though he claimed otherwise. So finally, I asked her… i contacted and asked her what was her take… were they not separating… and the truth was revealed. He has no one now.

    Sometimes I feel like I was in this fog and no that does NOT justify my horrific actions in this. IN fact, this is a burden and stain on my soul that I’ll be in confessional in for a long time to come. But, I will do my best to help her now. it is the only right thing I can think of doing because… it just is.

    i was such a fool… and a horrible person… above posting is about the state of morals, yeah I agree… I guess we get caught up in these movie romances and books. We forget reality. And sometimes, we just want someone to love us and they feed us that attention and desire, we forget and throw away consequences because of wanting to just live.

    But that life is NOT living. It is a LIE. and I urge any OW to get out, get out now. He is lying to you! You are no different than another ‘bitch’ and ‘whore’ on the street. He doesn’t respect his wife, he doesn’t respect you, and you probably already see what he thinks of his ‘crazy exes’ and women in general.

  83. Anonymous

    Let me share my story of how cheaters, be they married spouses, other women, other men etc. have caused or are in the process of causing havoc and devastation with not only my life but with the lives of two other adults and six combined children in this past year. This time last year I would never have imagined I would be even looking at a website like this let alone sending a comment with my story. Life seemed to be relatively normal and blissful. However, at the very beginning of this year my wife started acting strange in our relationship and out of nowhere said she wanted to separate. Don’t get me wrong our marriage like any other was not perfect and a bed of roses but when I say that it was due to the things that most families go through such as stressing about finances from time to time etc. We had been married for 15 years and have two beautiful daughters and in general everyone seemed happy and content. Obviously I was not providing my wife with all she needed in some respects or this would not have happened but in hindsight she has a narcisstic personality and I believe now and looking back on things that she always only cared and thought truly about one person….herself. I’m not perfect myself…like any other human I have my imperfections but I always did what was right by both my wife and family and provided for and chipped in with chores and other items needed to run a family and it’s household probably more so than other men I know. I would never have contemplated cheating on my wife or leaving my children for another woman other than their mother. I’m not a wife beater or anything close to that….just a hard working honest guy with morals I should add. Anyway, after my wife asked for a separation I was dumbfounded. I did not see it coming. I tried to get her to go to counseling and to work through the issues to save our marriage and family but she refused point blank. She kept insisting I prepare a separation agreement for her to sign before she would move out. I gave her multiple agreements but she always seemed to baulk at signing one. This went on for months. I finally became suspicious that there was more to this than meets the eye as I could tell that there was some greed involved as she was trying to get the absolute most out of this agreement as she could. So I started doing my own bit of PI work and low and behold I found out the truth. She had been having (and still is) an affair with another married man. I came to find out he himself has two daughters. He left his wife before I myself found out about the affair and had moved into his own place…a place where he and my wife could “hook up”. He never told his own wife the reason why he left her and after I spoke with her as time went by she told me that he insisted there was no one else involved and that was not the reason he was leaving her and his own children. His wife and children were in a similar state of turmoil to me and my girls. Once I knew the truth and informed his wife of it I finally was able to start moving forward. I got an attorney involved to have my wife removed from the home (in my state you can do that for adultery if they won’t move out voluntarily)through the court system. It became clear that she was refusing to move all along because she was hoping to claim alimony and as much other support as she could get but she would have a harder time getting this if the truth of the matter came to light. If she had moved out with an agreement in place and without my knowledge of the affair she could then have said she had met her “new man” after the agreement was in place and I could not have done anything about it. The way it turned out she will not receive any alimony or post separation support payments from me thankfully. I have already dealt with that in the court system. I’m not divorced yet….unfortunately in the State I live in you have to be legally separated for one full year before you can file for a divorce. I’m only half way through that period now. If my wife had been honest and likewise the married man had been honest with his own wife from the get go and moved out of the family homes at the beginning of all of this we (the jilted spouses) could be almost at the end of this one year system and allowed to carry on and pick up the wreckage of our lives. But my story gets even more bizarre….it’s like lightening struck twice for me in the space of a year. Once I knew the truth about what my wife had done any love for her I had dissipated. It was replaced with anger and bitterness for how she had destroyed her family and also that of another family. She had no qualms about taking another womans husband remember. I just wanted to move on with my life as best I could until I could get the divorce final after the one year period. I actually started to do so. Besides all the stresses involved with the previous months I realized there was no point in looking back and it was time to move forward. I by chance met what appeared to be a wonderful woman. She herself had just come out of her own divorce. She had been married for 18 years and thankfully had no children that could have been affected by her own marriage break up. We developed a relationship for the past two months. It was probably not the wisest time for me to get into a relationship but it just happened and it was like a breath of fresh air. I will admit that I started to feel myself falling in love with her but I was certainly not going to run full steam into another “heavy” relationship. It was nice to just have time with another woman and share some laughs with again in life. Then this woman dropped a bombshell….she herself had developed a relationship after her own marriage break up with an old friend of hers who lived on the opposite coast of the country. This guy she was involved with was also married with two children. She told me she would never be with him unless he left his wife and apparently he has decided to do so. She is at this point in time preparing to totally up sticks and relocate to move 3,000 miles to be with this married man whose own wife by the way is as of now blissfully unaware that he is about to leave her and his family. She apparently has no idea he is in this relationship. I tried to tell this woman about the devastation she and this married man are going to cause to yet another family. She doesn’t seem to care. She said she can’t live with regrets. My point of telling my story is to relay the state of shock to be honest that I’m in as regards society and it’s morals anymore. I have read statistics which typically say that maybe 10% of married men will leave their families for another woman and yet in my own personal experience of the past year I have been directly affected by two such cases where they did leave (or are about to leave). The odds seem so slim of it happening once but to be personally affected by it twice makes me think I should play the lottery!! I have also read numerous posts about these women who carry out such affairs. I don’t know what to think anymore. These men are complete *ssholes for ripping their own families and those of others apart but these women who join them are equally complicit. In my story relayed here there are three jilted spouses (one whom doesn’t even know this train is coming yet) and 6 children left to pick up the pieces of shattered lives….lives that never will be the same again I imagine from all of this devastation wrought by these men and women. I have never felt at such a low ebb in my life….and it’s mainly because my faith in my fellow man and woman has been shattered. Morals and values appear to have gone out the window and it’s a “me, me, me” society anymore it appears where instant self gratification wins over the havoc their actions will cause to others lives. I’m posting this in the hope that any married man or woman who is having an affair or lover of either may read this and possibly consider stopping what they are involved in and taking time out to pause and reflect on the consequences of their actions for other people. If it may stop one person and save one family then it will have been worth it.

  84. Anonymous

    Where do I begin…I already know…it was a selfish, stupid decision…no, I didn’t set out to hurt anyone, including myself, but I am woman enough to admit the part I played in this affair. It started about 6 months ago…my husband and I had become very distant and disconnected over the last 15 years, almost as if we were merely existing in the same orbit, instead of being in a committed marriage…I am not saying that as an excuse, it is just a fact…

    I met a MM online…we connected by commiserating over the issues we were dealing with in our marriages…I felt so alone in my marriage…I guess I just wanted to vent to someone else who felt the same way…over the next couple of months, this MM and I were communicating daily by email…he gave me his phone number and told me to call him anytime…

    Within weeks, we met in person for dinner at a restaurant…it was nice having a man be chivalrous and caring, things I severely missed getting from my husband…I know now that I should have been turning to my husband for such affections, but I got caught up in that whirlwind feeling…when he hugged me after our first meeting, we both felt something spark…

    When we had sex the first time, I didn’t feel any regret…and that shocked me…I questioned myself, wondering if I had truly lost my damned mind, risking it all for something that I now realize is a fantasy…

    Over the course of this affair, he told me that his wife was pregnant…and as callous as that sounds, that fact didn’t stop either one of us from being together…I tried to tell myself that the less I knew about his home life, the better for me…I didn’t let him into my home life that much, either….he knew I was married and had kids, but I made it a point not to divulge too much in case he got all “Fatal Attraction” on me…throughout the course of the affair, part of me wanted to end it, because of the hurt and pain we were causing our families, but the attraction just kept pulling me toward him…I had several lapses in judgment that I know I will have to pay for….

    The breaking point came after we met again for lunch last Friday…we spent all afternoon together, enjoying each other’s company…we made plans to meet up this week, but God intervened…his wife was hospitalized on Tuesday due to complications in her pregnancy…he sent me a text stating that they would have to take the baby early and that he was going “off the grid” for a little while to deal with his family situation, but he still wanted to be with me….it was at that point something snapped in me…I berated myself for sleeping with this man, especially when innocent lives were literally at stake…I didn’t even bother to respond to the text, chalking it up to God finally showing me the light and giving me the proverbial bitch-slap that I needed to end this affair…

    I hate what I have done to my husband, my children, and even to his wife and children…I never meant for this to happen…I let my common sense go out the window and carried on like a 15 year old with her first crush…I confessed the affair to my husband and surprisingly, he is willing to forgive me…we are seeking counseling to work on our marriage and I am putting every effort into repairing the cracks in our marriage, so that this never happens again…I know I will be judged, but that’s ok…there’s nothing that anyone could say that I haven’t already said to myself….as much as I miss the spark and excitement that came with the affair, it is just not worth losing everything that I value in my life…

  85. Anonymous

    I used to be very anti the OW or OM and then I became the OW and I have a whole different perspective.
    I was in a very unhappy marriage with a man who was abusive and cheated constantly and I just kept on trying thinking things would get better. I then met my married man and we hit off immediately (a very strong chemistry) or maybe just both enjoying sex and affection when it was absent in our marriages. It has been going for about 4 months and it gave me the strength to end the disastrous marriage that I was in. He initially broke up with his partner, but then they made up. I don’t really care what happens, if they stay together, I will probably end it in a matter of months. I have already lost some of the spark, because I am not attracted to men who are married and it is becoming apparent that they won’t break up soon, if ever. I am just thankful this opportunity has come along to set me free from the tyranny of my marriage and I don’t feel guilt towards her as she cheated on him earlier on. Realistically, I think their relationship is also flawed because of both of their cheating, but I am not the one to decide what they will do.

  86. Anonymous

    In this age where we all have experienced clearly that no situation or relationship or marriage is fool proof. The people who have commented here are one of the ‘Tags’ socially recognized like ‘the other woman’, ‘The wife’, “the married man’ and so on.

    Marriage is a crumbling institution. It rightfully stands for reproduction, inheritance and property. If I am married, I may worry about a cheating husband. I was. If I am staying with a married guy I will hate that he is not divorcing his wife and marrying me.

    I realized in every situation we fool only ourselves, whoever we are and whatever we are doing. I was an unhappy wife, unhappy cheater in marriage and also probably am an unhappy other woman. My happiness was NEVER dependent on the man, the nature of relationship or what others thought of me. I decided to let the relationships flow in life and I chose to be happy for me.

    That is the only solution there is to all these confusions. I took care of my needs n loved myself, then I didnt bother what the man is doing. If he is meant to stay, he will or he will fuck off. Its not something I wish to spend time worrying on.
    The man is never better than the woman. The woman, in her quest to impress her man, learns to cook, love, be patient, tolerant, learns great massaging techniques. This woman can move on and offer this invaluable learning to anyone else who deserves her incase her current relationship does not work out.

    Why the hoo haa of how things should be? We are humans and we create great works of art, novels and movies by all the things we ARE NOT supposed to do.

    Somewhere I trust the universe to be a greater nonjudgemental judge of how things will happen.

    Just go with the flow. And rememeber, your happiness is your own prerogative even if it is hidden in someone else’s arms. Be true to what you need and go get it. None of these things will bother you again.

    Just know yourself.

  87. Anonymous

    I was the other woman. We met at work and my affair partner’s wife found out 1 year into the affair. He told his wife that he ended it with me and left his job to work an hour away from me, but we continued the affair for the next 2 years without her knowledge. He would tell me that since she found out about the affair their marriage was strained. They did try to work it out but she was so horrible to him and controlled him. He told me they eventually slept in separate rooms and were never intimate. During in the 2 years after she found out about his affair she had kicked him out of the home and he went to live with his parents for a short time then she asked him to come back home until she’d kick him out again. This happened 3 or 4 times. Then she filed for divorce. A year after they separate he brought me out into the open. His mum, dad,brother’s and friends loved me because they always knew the marriage was doomed even before I came into the picture. They said she was a controlling woman and he was under the thumb with her. His family never blamed me for their marriage ending and they welcomed me with open arms and still do today 10 years later and we got engaged in 2010. In 2012 I sold my home and we built a new home using all the money from the sale of my home and taking out a mortgage to pay the remainder. In the last few years his ex wife and I had become friends, weird hey. She would come over and I would go over to her place like 2 girlfriends. I guess I just wanted peace and for this kids to be happy. His kids love me and I love them……but… as they say past behaviours predicts future behaviours……I found out in May 2013 he was having an affair with a co-worker. It destroyed me. I confronted her twice to back off etc… and I even started hitting her. Now I felt like the betrayed spouse. This is my karma and I deserve all the hurt. I bugged his car, brief case, put a GPS tracker on his car, this is how I found out where she lived and I went to her home and confronted her. She is nothing special. She is 47 but looks 60. I am 44 and thin and people tell me I look in my mid 30’s. I guess that doesn’t mean much. My fiancé say’s she listens to him and understands him… yeah, yeah…blah, blah, blah… She doesn’t have 4 young children to look after on top of working 40 hours a week and, cooking meals, doing laundry etc….
    At the moment he told the affair is over, but I don’t believe it one bit. I have caught him 8 times with her since 2013 and the last time was March this year, but I know he has been over to her place because I find her dog’s pet hair on his clothes… we don’t have pets. Sometimes I bring it up, sometimes I keep my mouth shut, to avoid an argument. It will only drive him to her. I still do everything for him and we are still intimate, but he has chosen to sleep in the spare bedroom since January this year and it’s killing me. I still have hope we can work it out, but I have to give him his space…but I don’t know if I can cope anymore or if I will ever trust him. But I do love him whole heartedly.

    My reason for my story… never believe the married man you are having an affair with, he will lie to his partner and to his affair partner. He will play the both of you because he is selfish. The only reason he is with me today, is because he ex-wife filed for divorce and he came running back to me. Then our fantasy life ended and it was a reality, bills, mortgage, chores, etc….. He got bored again and moved on to have another affair… and so the cycle goes… he will eventually cheat on you as it is in his nature. He likes to think he still has it and to build his ego.

    My best to you

  88. Anonymous

    to #361 What a selfish attitude! Wives who are being cheated on don’t expect you to care about their happiness, only to act like a decent human being. Decent people don’t have affairs with people who are married. You obviously have no self respect if you feel it’s ok! Get your own husband. Although it’s true that other women can’t break a marriage, they can do a lot of damage. Tell yourself what you need to, to feel better about yourself, but decent people will back off of someone who is married.

  89. Anonymous

    The remarks left here by the OW is mind blowing. I guess you never really understand the damage in the wake of an affair until you yourself are walking in those shoes. I have been married for 21 yrs, we have 6 children together. I guess i did know something was really wrong but dealing with 6 kids and fighting cancer your mind is not fine tuned to see threw all the bullshit. My husband is a truck driver (5 yrs), he has had numerous affairs over the last 21 yrs and in the last 5 he just checked out. I thought it was his new job since he was only home 8 days a month. He reconnected with an ex gf from 30 yrs ago who is also married. I was in and out of the hospital, when he was home he would fight to leave the house. The verbal an psycological abuse was full on, stopped all financial help for HIS home, manipulating the kids. Taking the kids to LA with him under the pretext of seeing cousins but was taking them to her house. Im still home or in hospital. I couldnt understand what was going on? After that affair ended he went on s string of affairs, The last piece of cake got him hook line and sinker. I heard everything from how bad a mother i am to how I was a mitake and desevered no respect.
    These men LIE!!! Sometimes there is a good wife and mother on the other side of that husband who is being abused and manipulated along with his children for the sake of the affair. We are the collateral damage in its wake. He was telling his affair partners & everyone conected to them that i didn’t love him anymore, that i was sleeping around( with uterine cancer? ), I was a drug addict. I was an unloving wife who didnt want him cause he was poor. All that time he refused to take me with them. ALL BULLSHIT!!! its all bullshit! If a man has to go that far for a piece of ass and destroy everything that at one time meant everything to him, something is wrong with HIM. I am a damn good woman & have been a damn good wife.
    Now I cant get him to leave my house. Now hes DISCOVERED that he went crazy and didnt know what he was doing, He loves me and wants his family? I cannot stress enough the damage and pain caused by selfishness, It destroys all things pure an innocent. He is no longer the man I married, I cannot look at him and not see the taint of evil in there. How someone could do this to another & there kids is beyond me but its not love…love is not selfish its selfless and giving. I cannot nor will I stay with my husband, I have seen who he really is and what he is capable of doing. I do blame the OW but I put this squarely where it belongs, on Him.
    For the OW, hes all bullshit. Every word he utters to everything he does is calculated. Calculated to get what he wants. He is living a fantasy and the illusion is that he has everything under control. I am left picking up the pieces of a destroyed life that was so lovingly built by 2 people. It was all bullshit, my marriage was bullshit.I am left trying to figure out how the hell I got here and loved a man that could never completly love me. I pray for death ever day just so i stop hurting and dont have to look at my kids an see the pain in their faces. Think twice about what you are contributing to his bullshit.

  90. Anonymous

    Speaking from experience of being the “Other Man” I can honestly agree with all the emotions the OP has listed.

    I was involved with a married woman 14 years ago and after the ragged end of our 3 year affair I then went on to get married myself and be faithful to the same woman for 9 years. Whereas my ex lover went on to have several more affairs in the same time period.

    Those being cheated on may not like to hear this but the problem lies with your cheating spouse not the other man/woman. If it was not that particular individual they were/are cheating on you with it would be someone else because they simply do not value you or your marraige enough to say “No and walk away.

    Do not be under the rather childish notion that the other man/woman tempted your spouse away from you kicking and screaming because usually your spouse was the one instigating things as it was in my case. At the very least they are open to the suggestion of cheating on you which if they was fully happy with you they would not be.

    I’m sorry if the above sounds harsh and it does not aim to condone and excuse the behaviour of the other man/woman and I myself have to admit that I was just as guilty as my married mistress in continuing our affair for my own selfish needs at the time as well. However I learnt from that mistake where it seems she did not.

  91. Anonymous

    To all the Other Woman out there, stopping telling yourself that you are not a home wrecker. You doing that because bottom of your heart knows you are exactly the home wrecker you try to convince yourself not. And stop use love as an excuse, cause love build upon other human beings pain is not real love but selfishness. And until one day you become the one got cheated by your husband/wife the person you trusted most in the world even put your life in their hands, you have no idea what’s the meaning of real pain and betrial. YOU have NO idea

  92. Anonymous

    To #363 I am #357 above. I made it through this past year … you will make it through this next year. Don’t give up and don’t talk to your AP it will just make it worse, trust me. Move on and start a new life.

    I never really lost touch with my AP.

    I run into her at networking events in my home town, I see her on the sidewalk, and we have mutual friends. But after six months of ignoring one another we broke down (or maybe I broke down her resolve) and we hooked up again and talked and met freely for four months.

    The four months we were speaking hurt me greatly and sent me back a long way.

    I wish I lived in a big city where I could never see her again. Here I see her everywhere. But I am not giving up I am continuing on my track of putting my marriage back together and living my life.

    But is so very very hard to live without her in my life. Because she came back to me I am no longer wanting to hurt myself, I know she loves me and we do what we do for the children. I hang onto this good that came from having her back for four brief months. And I retain the fools hope that someday I will have a life with her.

    I still count down the days until her 5 year plan is up (yes I am pathetic.)

    Just move on with your life, move on and don’t talk to your AP or anyone they are close to. Put up walls and have a life. This is harder than breaking up with single lovers. I don’t know why but I am heartbroken beyond belief and yet I still hope, long, for her return over one year later.

    The good news is that the pain is not as intense as it was. When I am sober I can bear it, when I have had one too many it comes back on me like a flood. I drink to forget which reminds me of my love for her.

    I love her so much I don’t know what to do.

    But I am still alive and therefore there is hope …

  93. Anonymous

    I’m ruined beyond repair… I don’t know what to do… I don’t know how to move from here…The pain… It’s just more than I can bear… I’m so close to giving up… I’m so close…

  94. Anonymous

    I entered a relationship with a married man when I graduated from college. When I first met him, I felt immediate attraction. Several hours later he tells me that he is separated from his wife “who has moved on” and has a toddler. He then proceeds to tell me that this is “his truth” and he “would understand” if I walk away at that moment. I could not believe what just happened. I was already “entranced” by him. I made a face of disgust of the situation ,and when he walks away, I couldn’t believe what I said- “No. Wait. It’s O.K.”. No it wasn’t o.k. Am I so desperate for companionship? I said I wouldn’t ever get involved with a married man and here I am offering myself as sacrifice.
    We eventually married two years later. I was always jealous of his ex, because I thought she had not moved on- even though she had several relationships before and after my affair with him.
    Bottom line, we got married. His ex-mother in law would call me a witch. I later found out that her daughter left him because he was physically abusive and cheated with many. I took the verbal abuse from his ex mother in law because I felt I deserved it. My family disowned me, but they did not know that he was abusing me verbally and physically on a daily basis, a week after I moved in with him. I wanted to leave, but felt trapped with no where else to go. Mind you , I still had feelings for him, waiting for “the sweet guy I met at a party” (him) would return. These moments were too few and in between. I got pregnant three years later after we met. This was a surprised because I thought I couldn’t get pregnant. (I was allergic to prophylactics and the pill would send me to the hospital with severe nausea and headaches. So, I stopped taking this the year I met him and did not get pregnant.)But, I did. He told me to have an abortion. I refused. I wanted to keep this child , but not him. He continued cheating on me and all types of women would come to the house trying to contact him. I wanted him out but he wouldn’t leave. I did not want anyone to know what went so wrong. His ex mother in law tells me one day, when picking up his son for a visit; “I tell my daughter not to worry because , you are pregnant now and life will make you pay.” She said this in front of my now husband and he then shrugs his shoulders and says to me “That’s between you and her. Not my problem.”
    He quit his job on the first day of my maternity leave and left me at the hospital to go while giving birth, to meet his new girlfriend.
    He ignored our son when I returned from the hospital and proceeded with his abuse in front of our son. He even threatened to kill our son the first week I brought him home because I was busy attending to him.
    A year later, I met a lady from my job who obviously knew something was wrong because of the little things I would say. She gave me a card with a domestic hotline number and told me to call. (This was in the mid 80s.) I called one day he wasn’t home and was given good information on the cycle of violence.
    I had to learn to stop blaming myself , but it was hard. When my son turned one, I placed a restraining order on my husband and sought full custody. He pleaded not to do this, more because he didn’t want to look bad in front of his family. But, I did. Apparently, I was the first woman in his life to place a restraining order on him (Many came after from other women after we divorced.)
    I raised my son on my own. It was hard at times. His father would come to see him every one or two years for 10 minutes or so. promised to take him out, but wouldn’t. Meanwhile his first son, lived a few blocks away from us and he would pick him up every weekend. Bottom line he was punishing our son because one day I decided to say “no more”. He even told me that was the reason and how his family will never forgive me.
    My son is 25 now. He came out to me recently. I was in shock. He is quiet , but very masculine in his ways. I thought this is my fault because I did not “force” the courts for him to visit our son and he needed a male figure to bond with. I told him it was O.K., but the truth is that it is hard for me to accept this. (I think he knows this.)I never re-married or dated after his father. I didn’t want to. I was done with relationships, but oddly content to be by myself.
    I remembered how his ex- mother in law said that “life will make me pay” for being with a married man.
    I often wonder, “Is life requesting payback through my son being gay?”

  95. Anonymous

    Other woman cannot break a marriage. Other woman, or a man, brings a happiness to a person who was unhappily married. You want to believe she took away your loving husband? Well, if it makes you feel better do so, but the truth is that, there was no love, passion, or happiness in your marriage. Your husband left you? blame yourself. The other woman is not obligated to care about your happiness, you are. We all are selfish. I love a married man and I never acted out on my feelings. I wish I did. If you don’t like me, it is okay, I will survive. Chances are if you are reading this, your husbands don’t like you very much.

  96. Anonymous

    I married the wrong man. I knew I did the day I was married. He was a GREAT man, great dad, and good person in his core so I looked past most of the lack of real attraction and awkward sex life. We lived this way for 12 years. Never having sex and when we did it was extremely uncomfortable. It was like sleeping with your brother. He lacked the confidence to speak up about his needs, and I was terrified to tell him he wasn’t meeting mine because he would crumble. Short version of a long story, I met another married man. I sought it out. I found it online. He was married, I was married. Both in the exact situation. Only his wife was a shut in with major anxiety.
    We thought we had the perfect set up. Both of us had something to lose and something to gain. We both gave up our needs to take care of the other person’s well being and emotional health, but found it in one another. So we thought. We fell in love. Real love. Not this affair fog. Believe me I spent hours researching this subject, as a matter of fact, I could teach a class on it.
    Long story short, we both couldn’t bare to “take care of” our spouses any longer. We both tried. We split trying to work on our relationships, but having the taste of another person not “needing” us was too great. Everytime we went back to our spouses it felt like a compromise of personal self and needs. We both left. Did trial separation and tried to move forward.
    Well the affair came out on his side, and it blew up. He pulled back. Lost friends and wanted to maintain a friendship with a woman he was with for 12 years. As we tried to be together and mingle our lives. He could not move forward. No matter what I did, no matter how much I gave. I was the perfect girlfriend, trying to be everything I wasn’t in my marriage and embracing the new sense of being a renewed sexual person and getting what I gave. Only I wasn’t. He never let go. 18 months later and I still had not met a soul in his life. Although they lived separately, he still went to see her weekly for drinks and dinner to hang out. They filed divorce papers, but still were seeing one another. All the while, he lied to me every time he saw her. So our trust depleted.
    TO summarize, even if you actually DO LOVE each other. Even if you really married the wrong person, until you meet someone who is actually SINGLE and past the emotional journey of recognizing you married the wrong person or are unhappy enough to cheat, run in the opposite direction. I assure you, my scenario was as real as it got. If what we had couldn’t get him to move past his mistake of marrying the wrong person. No situation will. You have no idea the pain you are putting yourself through. As long as he has the best of both worlds, he will never let it go. Especially if she didn’t want to let go after finding out about the affairs. People do to you what you let them. Period.
    I hope this helps someone. And for those who judge me .. . go away, not like I don’t know my actions were cowardly and wrong. But you don’t know what it is like when you literally are responsible for someone else’s happy and they rely on you for their sense of self. Especially when they are a good person. Walk a mile. . . .

  97. Anonymous

    It’s so funny reading how naive all the “other women” sound. My husband has been having an affair for 18 months. When he kept sneaking around with her, I kicked him out. She thinks he moved in with her because he “chose” her. He has since moved back in twice more and again, both times I kicked him right back out again because he was unwilling to sever contact with the other woman. So both times she took him back in and she thinks it was his choice and that he couldn’t stand to be away from her. I also know of several lies that he has told her to justify things and she has fallen for it hook line and sinker and thinks I’m the only one he’s lied to. All of you other women out there, some who I’m pleased to see show remorse and others who continue to justify their actions and vilify the evil wife who didn’t meet his needs; just stop to question whether your infatuation with this married man is clouding your judgement and whether he chose to be with you, or took that option because his wife dumped his sorry ass….
    My OW is convinced my husband would never lie to her and I just think it’s so funny that she thinks she won some prize.
    Also, there is another wife on here that says she’s watched her husband deteriorate over 18 months. I can honestly say the same thing. He was always such a happy guy and since he has been involved with his OW, I’ve watched his health and happiness deteriorate. And it will continue to decline….there is no happy ending for him. This OW is going to be nothing but a huge regret to him soon enough.

  98. Anonymous

    I was the “other woman” for almost four years and words cannot express the hurt, anger, and pain that resulted from my involvement with this married man. It was without a doubt the most foolish, damaging thing that I’ve ever done to myself. I guess I will never find the right one till I let go of the wrong one. I have just ended my relationship with him. I realize I have to stop feeding the “in love” to preserve my own sanity. Remaining friends was not an option. It was very painful and impossible to do as I became so emotionally entangled in him in the 3 1/2 years we’ve been together. I feel this is something that will take me a long time to fully get over. We can’t always have what our heart wants.

    Many people may say that I should have known better. I did know better, but a close friendship with him slowly started to get out of control, and before I knew it, I fell deeply in love with this man. I think at first you ignore the situation that you are in and enjoy the time that you spend with this person, because it is always surrounded by fun things and physical intimacy. As time goes on, you realize that living in secrecy is very lonely, and it is even lonelier when you realize that the whole situation is affecting who you are and has changed you as a person. You also realize that no matter what, you are not the number one priority of this man. He is not there when you have a bad day and you need someone to hold your hand, on holidays when you want to be surrounded by the people who you love the most, and to put it to the point, he is not there to experience life with you. Instead he will be with his wife. Times like this I couldn’t help but feel sad and lonely, thinking about what he might be doing at that very moment?? Is he kissing her like how he kisses me? Is he holding her like how he holds me?

    Every woman is worthy of being in a committed relationship. These are the only relationship that truly strives. Being the other woman only brings hurt, empty promises; lots of negativity and can only ruin your life in so many ways. I tried running away from reality, but it kept on chasing me. The fact that I was just the “other woman” killed me. I loved him. I loved him so much that I didn’t care how much pain I’d have to suffer to be with him. In my situation, I felt like when I tried to back away, he would come on stronger, and acknowledge the sacrifices that I made to be with him. It was my mistake to not walk away in all of those times that I had intended to do so.

    I want to point out that the “other woman” is usually not some dumb insecure person. I am a smart, professional woman who made a terrible mistake during a very vulnerable time in my life. I wish that I could take it all back and do it differently. Whatever you do in this life, you pay for it one way or another. I paid a really high price for my involvement in this relationship. People make mistakes and it doesn’t make them bad people.

    He never cared about me, never knew my favorite color, where I was from, where my favorite places were. He never gave a shit about me, except for feeding his ego. And of course, sex. He never knew my heart.

    What is forbidden is most desirable. I hope one day I will be able to look back at my life and this experience that was so profound and central to my existence will just be one chapter in a life that is much bigger, and much happier than that. All of life is a series of choices. The choices you make forms the path of your life.

    In my heart is where he’ll always be. He will always be my FRIST true love. That’s a fact I can’t change. I will forever carry some battle scars from the past but hope someday it’ll fade. Life, I’ve learnt, it is what you make it and it as good as you want it to be.

    All good things DO come to an end.

    Time will heal. All I know is that I’m going to be ok.

  99. Anonymous

    Reading these have been very therapeutic for me.

    Three months ago she ended an affair with me for the fourth time, yes I am a slow learner. She has been in a long term relationship for 10 years, has two kids under 5. I for 28 years with one child 13. This time was by far the hardest of the four almost killed me to be honest.

    We have had an on-again off-again EA for the past five years (met when she was pregnant but just before she found out.) There was a 24 month break where she had the child, but it didn’t take long for us to rekindle the romance once we saw each other again. The previous attempt at ending it was Nov 2012 two months after it became physical. We didn’t see each other for five months then in March 2013 she arranged drinks. It was lovely to see her again, we went immediately to the line but didn’t cross, a simple hug good-by, one week later (Friday) we spent the whole night together getting home around 6:30am.

    She called Saturday afternoon and asked me to run away with her. Here-to-fore we had said we were not going to leave our relationships, I said not today we have to plan a separation around the children (okay I know what you are thinking but WTF I wanted to make sure the kids were catered for as best we could.)

    What followed was three months of the most intense relationship of my life. The full on PA, business trips together, office trysts, and we did find time to plan for the separations, figuring out where we would live as a couple, catering for how to manage the children, etc., even discussing rings and dates. Then a text saying it is over, well not really over, just move to a five year plan and in the mean time not see each other because it will be impossible to stick to the five year plan otherwise. In the past three months (Sept 2013 as I type) we have talked on the phone twice and sent a half dozen text messages.

    My world imploded. I thought I would die and was afraid I would live. Even now I am beside myself with grief, I am back to crying daily.

    This is harder then the last times, before I always thought she would come back, I would put my love for her on hold. Now I think she will stay away, so I have to unlove her. I am afraid she will come back for I know if she does I will go to her. And god knows what will happen to me if she leaves me again I can’t take that risk, my son is too precious to me.

    But fact is I wish I had left with her when I had the opportunity I want to spend the rest of my life with her.

  100. Anonymous

    MM who have had several affairs for over 30 + years of marriage. We got married when we were very young, 21 & 19 respectivly. I did not want to get married and felt like I was forced into it, but none the less I did. I start having affairs early in the relationship simply because I was not in love with my wife. I wanted to leave but was advise to stay by church leaders. So we stayed together, however I was not happy. I have had several jobs over the years and there were always someone on the job who was willing to sleep with me (they were all one time affairs). As time move on, two children later (who are now grown), the affairs continue to happen each one a little longer than the other. (both MW and SW) weeks, several months and now a couple of years. I always feel guilty and know it’s wrong, but for whatever reason I cant say no when I ask or they ask me. Sometime I am pursuing and sometime they pursue me. Currently Im not sure how it happen other than we both work together she is a SW. She said something,then I said something we starting talking. Of course the subject of sex came up. I told her I’m not leaving my wife she said she understood. We had sex one time, for the next year we had sex almost everyday. I left so many times but keep coming back. She said she is ok being the OW. This has been going on for over two years. I have tried too leave but find it difficult because we are so emotionally involved. It’s hard to just walk away, I want to end it, but! when I’m not with her I say I’m leaving, however when I see her I can’t say it. I keeping saying its over to myself but I do not have the courage to say it. My wife and I are empty nesters and she can’t make it on her own because I make the majority of the money and have all the benefits. I don’t want to hurt her any more than I have because we are best friends. It a lot more to this but, i just wanted to vent, maybe this will give me the strength to walk away from the OW.

  101. Anonymous

    My husband left me 7 weeks ago for ow. He was a loving family man and then one day just said I can’t do this anymore. Told me he been having an affair for 3 months and left. I’m still in shock we had been together for 26 years. He left for another married women who left her husband for him. He told me he loves me but not enough. Sorry but I think if your going to have a affair with mm mw find out the facts first because my h and I had a good marriage still sleeping together which his cant even tell ow. Now I’m left to pick up the pieces. His daughter will never talk to him again and she not allow him to see his grandaughter. His gone from been a caring h and father to a cold person we don’t know anymore. I still pray he will come back but know this isn’t going to happen. So how do the ow feel about breaking family’s up. How will there live with the guilt. Because I know I couldn’t. Sorry but this makes me feel sick about affairs , please think about there family.

  102. Anonymous

    Hi I would really like someones help, ive been seeing a married man for 4years now. I was married when it started however ive now been divorced for two years and did not leave my ex to be with my mm I left beacause he was mentally and emotionally abusive to me and our two children not that this excuses me cheating on him if I was braver I should have left before I cheated! I would like to say that up until my affair ive never cheated on anyone ever and its very out of character for me. Im deeply in love with him and reason I didn’t stay away from him in first place is that his wife also cheats on him has had atleast 4 affairs that I know of including whilst pregnant and my mm isn’t even sure if the baby is his!she has wanted to partner swap with him and others and has even asked him if she can have sex with certain men then regardless of what he says does it behind his back anyways! she treats him terribly has recently been violent with him and I know she doesn’t love him truth is she just doesn’t want to be on her own how can she love him and suck off someone else at 7months pregnant? My mm is now in a kind of seperation with her,however she wants him back is now saying she will get help for her depression which she has always blamed her behaviour on when infact hr is simply second best always has been. He is feeling low, confused and trapped. Am not sure if he going to give her another chance if he knows his worth and becomes strong enough to finally leave her :-(. All I know is I would preffer it if he did even if I still couldn’t have him how id like because I want him to have a chance at being happy. I know he is the one for me but sometimes loves not enough. I have hurt everyday since ive been seeing him but can’t seem to stop because I know she doesn’t deserve his love and yet another chance. The other woman often gets blamed for being a house wrecker but hope this story shows that infact sometimes it is the wife who wrecks things and sometimes us woman in the background actually do deserve the fairytale ending! He is saying now to me that he doesn’t want to go back but doesn’t feel strong and still feels trapped and even if he leaves he can’t promise to commit to me which I wouldn’t want believe it or not all I want is a chance with him that’s all ive ever wanted what do I do? I can’t bare to see him go back to that life :'(

  103. Anonymous

    Lots of hatred toward women in that reply, 350. Lots of self-hatred too. I’m a recovering booty call…never thought I was anything more to him…. Noticed that I was feeling less and less happy, finally visited Baggage Reclaim and am learning so much about myself. My need to learn how to set boundaries, give to myself, value myself. I was happy for a while with the MM….but I noticed the happiness was starting to fade. Ladies and gentlemen, please don’t have “pretend” relationships. Learn more about yourselves and the married person will become less interesting to you.

  104. Anonymous

    i was the other man for 19 months. I fell in love with a beautiful, unhappily married co-worker. she said she loved me and not her husband of 7 years but would not leave him because of the effect it would have on their little daughter. we ended it mutually. I still love her and I think she still loves me. we see each other at work. I feel so lost, I can not stop crying. she is the only one for me. I told her to stop texting and phoning me so I could move on. I feel so alone, can someone help?

  105. Anonymous

    For those of my friends that have had an affair or were contemplating it–if I knew about it and they said “I just couldn’t help it” my response is simply,”If you knew I would kill your children for if you have/had this affair could you help it?” Of course the answer is yes so now it all really is reduced to the least common denominator of the priorities you place on your spouse and the mother or father of your children. Really folks it IS THAT simple. Let’s not make it more glorified or twist it into something it is not. It is a grown person making the willful choice to injure their children when children are involved.

    Have you ever heard the saying that you should never say negative things about your ex or soon to be ex? That’s because doing so hurts your children because no matter what that other parent has done he/she is a part of the children and to tear down their parent tears them down too. So do you think to cheat on their parent and emotional rip them apart you don’t do the same to the children. You say they won’t find out– they ALWAYS find out.

    Have fun rationalizing your actions. This is a permanent stain on your soul that you will carry forever.

  106. Anonymous

    I am the married man, if it wasnt for stupid naive idiots like you I would not get my yearly fix of pleasure. Bring it on ladies, I have plenty of married men praying on you fools. All I need to say is “I love you she doesn’t understand me, I love her I’m not in love with her, our marriage was over anyway” and your like putty in my mouth. Twits!

  107. Anonymous

    346 if your so happy what are you doing trying to justify your incredibly selfish behaviour all these years later. You may call it love I call it karma. You married a man who cheats on his wife. Your turn next if it hasn’t happened already…

  108. Anonymous

    I agree with #224. #218 is only blaming the “other woman”. If we are to blame… – it needs to be towards the OW + Man + wife OR OM + woman + husband. A man nor woman wouldn’t stray if there marriage was fulfilling. Everybody knows that a marriage takes work – a lot of work. Marriages can become routine, financial + kids stress can take its toll, wife + husband may take each other for granted, wife + husband never tell each other “they appreciate them and what they do”, couples forget that their significant others need nurturing and sex and appreciation and lots of love. When an affair starts – obviously this marriage is lacking in something.

  109. Anonymous

    I dated a married men for 3 years lied to me for 2 1/2 saying he was not married until this christmas that I saw him christmas shopping with her. I was devastated, he reached put to me on Christmas eve and sold me a story when I gave him the ultimatum he put millions of excuses. I have left the relationship for 3 weeks now and this breakup is the worst cause one a womem gets in that position where you know they didn’t choose you it hurts and leaves you empty inside. For those that are in premature relationships run while you can!!

  110. Anonymous

    Believe it or not my husband was a married when I met him. When we met it took a month for him to tell me he was married & he called to tell me as he was pulling out of his driveway from moving out of his home & leaving his 1st wife. We have been married for 15 years now & it has been wonderful. I could not ask for anyone better. People need to realize that sometimes things happen for a reason & not to always blame the cheating spouse. It takes 2 for the marriage to fall apart. So for all the haters of other woman out there all I have to say is choose your words wisely because you never know what can happen to you. A word of advise to the “other woman” I found my true love, who knows maybe you have too. Don’t let anyone tell you it’s wrong. They have no clue how you feel inside & only the 2 people in love know the feeling of their love. Good Luck!

  111. Anonymous

    I don’t know where to start. As of end of February this year it will be five years ago that my H chested on me with my long lost best friend for a grand total of about 10 weeks, I mad the mistake of contacting the ow on Facebook after nearly 6 years of no contact. She and her ex-husband had been best friends with myself and my H for a couple of years but she had several affairs, one of which she told me about which resulted in a baby which she miscarried and tried to say was her husbands. Anyway her marriage fell apart for reasons only known to them (he never knew what she had got up to while he was away on army tour). He got another posting at her request (she was desperate to escape her secrets) and she told me later that he had an affair not long after she had their daughter (she got pregnant without planning it with him). She couldn’t forgive him and moved back near her family and he remarried and has 4 children, very much moved on.

    Anyway I hadn’t meant to give her life story but I guess I’m trying to paint an image of her to try and explain to myself why she decided to destroy me. We had lost contact after a while . She was very bitter about her lot in life and felt I had let her down in not supporting her when she was on her own(she told me this recently) even though we had stopped being close friends as soon as she told me of her affair, I had never wanted to know the information and could not pretend that I understood her behaviour, plus our husbands were on tour together and so it was all really awkward. She had also tried to cause trouble in my marriage by telliing me how my husband had confided in her about our marriage (we had been through a rocky patch,no affair though). It’s all so messy and I need to get to the point so will stop droning on!

    October 2008 contacted her and she came to visit with her 7 year old daughter straight away. It was great and all was forgiven on both sides. My husband was a bit wary after the trouble she had caused us years ago but was happy I was happy and let me go off and stay with her for a night to party while he babysat. I then with my husband felt sorry for her as she seemed so lonely and she had confessed to me in tears how lonely she was and how my husband and I were her little piece of normality. So we invited her and her daughter to spend a couple of days with us just before Christmas. We had a great laugh and talked loads of the past through although she did seem a bit obsessed with How awful her life had been. And was very tearful at times. But I saw it that we were helping her work through it. I noticed very quickly though that she seemed to be talking more to my husband via text and Facebook, which he put down to me not answering my texts veer frequently, which I bought, but didn’t feel comfortable with. January came and she had phoned my H in tears about life in general and he asked if we should maybe invite her over for support. I did this by phoning her but she seemed a bit off and weird. She didn’t seem that interested in talking to me but was happy to come over. Again we had a laugh and I as usual was secure enough to leave them talking when I went to bed. I had told her I didn’t feel threatened by her anymore and was sorry for thinking in the past that she might have had her eye on my H.

    Long story short they began an affair end of February and my H confessed to me all the details beginning of may. He had moved out (at my request) end of march as I couldn’t live with someone who said he was no longer inlove with me (affair wAs not mentioned). She during that time Had offered to babysit for me at her house so I could go out. She quizzed me about my meetings with lawyer, I had already begun divorce proceedings. She would phone me and find out how I was dong and advised me to stop my husband having access to our daughter and how to get a quick divorce. She even got her daughter to speak to my 3 year old daughter on the phone so they could have a cry together about the situation, during this time I was surprised to see how cheerful she was about my situation. In april following an almighty row my H told me that he had been having an inappropriate friendship with the ow via texting and that he knew it was wrong and so did she but nothing else had happened and he wasn’t sure how he felt about her. i subsequently phoned her obsesssivly demanding an explanation but she wouldn’t answer. Anyway my H made his tearful confession following a particularly viscious 3am phone call to me replying to my missed calls about my appalling conduct as a friend and basically wishing me dead and telling me i was mad and nothing was going on! my h handed me his phone and begged me to try and let him be at least a small part of my life again.

    Somehow, probably shock, I forgave him. She had sent obsessive texts for row weeks begging him to call her one minute and then acting like he was just a pal who she missed the next, then swearing and calling him everything under the sun. My h asked if I wanted him to call her to finish it in front of me but I decided no contact at all forever was best, I wanted her to know what my world had felt like these last couple of months and she she did not deserve a single fraction of closure. So that’s what we did for two years. However she has since hounded me on face book by using pseudo named accounts to send messages to me telling me all sorts of revolting lies and believe me I checked all of them out with a fine tooth comb and absolutely know they are horrific lies made all the worse as she sent her last message following a one time only message from me in response one from her telling her very politely that I had always known about the affair and thanked her for giving us such a wake up call, but did not believe she was sorry and she needed to take responsibility for her own mistakes and stopped blaming everyone else for once, and that my H blamed no one else other than himself for what haooened, she sent her last vile message after seeing on Facebook that I was pregnant (goodness knows how!). I got the message 3 weeks after my son was born. I am trying to hold it together but my god it’s hard. I refuse to reply to her (she has unblocked me from Facebook clearly hoping for a reaction). I pray to god that I can stay string and not get into this rediculous and evil war of words. I am a broken woman who somehow is trying to still find love for her husband, this is getting harder not easier. If I hadn’t have gotten pregnant again I believe I may well have left. He could not have been more remorseful, supportive or loving but he has shown me such cruelty and evil I can never be me again. And she has destroyed my faith in humanity and my own judgement. My marriage was clearly already in trouble before she came along but she Defo made sure it was as damaged as it could possibly be and actually went out of her way to do so. Affairs are just symptoms of a marriage in crisis, that’s why they rarely last.

    Wow, I’ll stop now but I believe for the record the ow are victims too a lot of the time. However if you believe in his love for you just do the decent thing and step back. Let him come to you if that’s what he really wants. But I suspect that most of you won’t because it has become a competition and for whatever reason you are damaged beings who see nothing but your own pain and will stop at nothing and no one to get the life you can’t seem to secure for yourself. Another woman’s sloppy seconds surely aren’t much of an ego boost is it?

  112. Anonymous

    I was the other woman for twenty years. We both finally ended it last year due to big life changes in both our circumstances. My daughters are still close to him though I have blocked him from phone, e-mail etc. It was NEVER exciting because it was illicit; we both didn’t want it to happen and felt guilty wretched for two decades. We stayed together as we were best friends and we did/do genuinely love each other. Don’t waste time on affairs. It will hurt everybody eventually

  113. Anonymous

    Reading these comments had been an eye-opening experience… On the brink of becoming the OW, this just released me: I’ve been falling for his sob stories about his home life not being what he thought it would be after less than one year of marriage.

    He wasn’t married 30 days before he was texting me, then calling, then just stating that he was coming by… I allowed it and I even enjoyed it. I liked that he wanted to hear me say I love you…. And I almost started to believe that the love was real. But after reading these comments, I realize that it’s no love…it’s pit that I feel for him. I don’t love him enough to get angry when he doesn’t follow through with the plans he made for us.

    The reality is, he picked her and now it’s too late to second guess his choice. He could have picked me but he said that she was THE ONE. He has to deal that, not me… I’ll always believe that he made the wrong choice but nevertheless, he made a choice. He doesn’t get to have it both ways. What she doesn’t do for him, he won’t get from me either from dropping off and picking up the dry cleaning to playing bedroom games. He made a choice and I don’t have to be held hostage to it. Being in love is no excuse to be foolish with my heart and my mind. He’s using her and also trying to use me. He says that e got married for the wrong reason… It doesn’t matter because he actually got married. Words spoken to me are most likely not the truth, just some version of the truth that he needs to hear himself say to justify being with me at that moment. The complaints are always about her. I wonder if he even sees what he’s doing wrong. My eyes are open now…

  114. Anonymous

    My ex wife is the OW. We had a great marriage for 12 years and two wonderful kids. No big problems in the marriage, others always thought of us as a perfect couple. I loved my ex wife with all my heart, never cheated on her….I wasn’t abusive, never called her any names, not a drinker.
    She met this guy at work who is a year younger than her. They started talking and he was making advances…she did not like him, always was complaining about his ego. Well, long story short she finally fell for it. He was telling her about problems in his marriage.Telling her how rich he is, that he made millions selling his old company…She fell for his lies and started telling her own…She started rewriting her marital history. Told him how I mistreated her and what not. Now we are divorced and she is still with him. I talked to his wife recently. They were not having any problems in their marriage, she was shocked.
    I just could not believe how she fell for it. She was a good wife and a good mother. Now she is totally different person. Lost all her friends, lost all the respect from everyone. What the hell is she thinking?!
    She ruined her kids lives,

  115. Anonymous

    I often come to this forum in an attempt to get some understanding into WHY this happened to my marriage. I am the betrayed spouse. My husband was having an affair with a close family friend. This went on for 5 years…at least! They just recently ended it because I TOLD my H that I am through with the marriage and want a divorce ASAP! Done! Forget the money, properties, business..I am just through. I can’t take it anymore. Well…magically…he has done a 180 on me. He now WANTS the marriage and he magically LOVES me again. He has never admitted to the affair nor has he ever even offered to apologize for all of the emotional and mental abuse that he has heaped on me and our family for the past 5 years. It’s over between them and now I am supposed to be happy that he is “BACK”. Needless to say, I am not having any of this nonsense. He pushed me too far and I have no love for him at all now.

    I wonder what it is that makes this kind of situation happen. I told the OW that she can have him. She never responded. I think that it is a case of “Becareful what you wish for because you might get it.” She wanted my husband and his money for so long, and now that she can have it…she doesn’t want him full time. It’s all fun and games until the reality of what they have done seeps in on them. As for me, I don’t want him either. I have gotten stronger and realized that he is just a weak man and I have no tolerence for his games anymore. How long will it be before they are back at it again? Are they waiting for me to “Get Over” wanting a divorce?

    I am not putting the OW down. I think that people who are engaged in affairs don’t realize what they are doing to the wife and children until it’s too late. I know that there are wives out there that are not emotionally and physically available to their husbands. This was not the case in my marriage. I know that there were times when he was with her having sex then he would come home and want sex with me too. I am WELL aware of this fact! But, I chose not to engage in this game. I understand that people have affairs for all kinds of reasons, but I don’t think that people consider the long term affects of this kind of betrayal.

    As for me, well, I am not going back to my marriage. It’s a shame really. My husband is going to lose his home and his family because he decided too late in the game that he didn’t really want the OW. I also think that it’s a shame that the OW lost her reputation and integrity. Now…my H is alone and so is she.

  116. Anonymous

    From O.W. #334 thank you to 335 and 336 , who ever you are you do give me words of wisdom and strength . I know my situation is “wrong” I am in an unhealthy situation. Getting out of it is the kicker.

  117. Anonymous

    337, pleased to meet you. My sentiments are very simpatico with yours. I check in here periodically to see if the venom for the OW ever ebbs…but it doesn’t. I am a booty call for my MM and, as booty calls go, I hit the jackpot. Good conversation, laughs, satisfaction, and then we go back to leading our separate lives. I am no threat to his union and don’t want to be. I too have issues with constant togetherness and have been very uncomfortable in traditional man-woman relationships.

    I recently read an article about the “new” marriage, where spouses marry but maintain separate living arrangements. Apparently this was a very popular idea in Victorian times. Might be something to that. I need a lot of space – mental space, emotional space. So far, being an OW to a man I really like is giving me the space I crave. There are times I don’t even make myself available to him!

    I’ve always said I wanted 3 men, lovers, in my life. I had two for a little while, the second one being a single man who I let go because he provided no mental stimulation.

    I have a widowed male coworker who recently got married for a second time….his new married life is constant conflict. But he’s in his 60’s and said he did not want to be alone, did not want to die alone and be found by neighbors only because they started to smell something. His first marriage was not great either, but lots of folks feel marriage is better than being alone. Many feel it is even superior to being alone.

  118. Anonymous

    I learned my husband was seeing another woman at our 26th year of marriage.

    Marriage is not an umbrella that suddently has a hole in it (“Their marriage was broken.”). Marriage is what the woman does and what the man does. If either has a relationship outside the marriage promise, he or she is not participating in the marriage, and frankly, at 52, I will not track the infidelity of a 52-year-old man who does not want to be in a promise he made.

    Give me my half of the retirement,401(k)and bank accounts. I have no interest in keeping the other woman or paying for her wedding, meals and entertainment.

    Give me my home and remove your things. No I will not sell it. It is my home. Make your own.

    Husband, drop the fear of going fully into this outside life you’ve created for yourself. Get your things and stop lying to the other woman. Show her who you really are.

    To the other woman – he’s yours.

  119. Anonymous

    I’m involved with two different married men, one for 6 years ( we started off dating while he was separated, and when I left him the first time he went back for the children), and the other for two years (he has been married about the same length of time).

    I have to say, I’ve battled with the morality of it all quite a bit, and it made me break off my first affair several times, but I’ve realized that morality in general is flawed. When I don’t think of the morality around my two affairs, I’m quite content. I am a person that requires a lot of space, I do not desire to be in a close romantic relationship with someone else. I prefer platonic companionship, and feel overwhelmed if I have to live with a romantic partner. I lived with a boyfriend for a year once and had panic attacks monthly. I just do not want my partner or lover around me all the time.

    My two lovers give me everything I need, and I have the space to be myself. One would not be enough, and three too many, and I feel quite blessed with the two of them. I am not the kind of woman who would be happy to cook and clean and bear children and attend family functions, and so I am very happy for their wives who fulfill those functions. That is an important role, but one I am not equipped to do. What I am equipped to do, is to be a lover and make my lovers feel desired, attractive, and valuable, because that is what they are to me. I feel that my relationships with them are no less valuable to them than their relationships with their wives…. They are just different.

    I know that because of “morality”, my relationships with these men will never be looked upon as anything else than sordid. But I know myself (and they know) that what I have with them is as special and deep as the relationships they have with their wives. I’m not saying that all affairs are of this type – in fact I feel that my situation is an exception to the rule.

    Sometimes, arrangements that are not of the norm, are the exactly normal and proper thing for an individual. The problems start to arise when people try to fit themselves into roles and spaces that they do not fit.

  120. Anonymous

    #334, you just get sex, not love. Sex and love are two completely different things. And who are you to judge if his wife is happy with the “arrangement”? Let me guess…HE told you so. I dare you to tell his wife and see if she is happy with “the money and the arm candy” like you say. Tell her about your relationship with your husband. You never know, you may discover that you three form a happy “trouple”. She gets to use you as surrogate sex buddy for her husband and you get to see her reap the monetary benefit of the “arrangement”. Not sure how long you will be happy…

    I am with #335 on this. Of course HIS life is in perfect balance. Yours is not. His wife’s is not. Your children’s is not, his children’s is not. It is all about him. It is not even about you. Or his wife. It is only about him. Educate yourself a bit more on men who cheat…It is enlightening.

    I am amazed but not surprised by your dissociation: so your actions do not make you what you are? Contributing to making his wife’s life a lie, to the deception, to the break down of her marriage and family does not make you a good person? Not sure if I follow your logic. Next time one of your child lies to you or steal from you, I hope you will apply the same standard…

  121. Anonymous

    # 334 – Suppose he has a heart attack and dies tomorrow. Who will be with him in his dying moments? Who will collect the sentiments and blessings from friends and family? Who will inherit his life insurance and material possession? Who will his children stand beside? Where will you be during all of this? Will you be alone? Will you have done nothing more than given up your body and sacrificed the only life you have for a selfish and weak man who who is incapable of doing what is right by either you, his legitimate wife, or his children? I really bet this man is happy and his life is in balance.

    If you suffer a heart attack tomorrow will this man be by your side on your deathbed for hours, weeks, or months especially if its really debilitating? Or–will you be alone while this man goes about life with his wife in denial and going out to eat with his children and going to bed each night? Seems like a desolate way to live. In addition to that–its wrong.

  122. Anonymous

    I have been involved with a mm for 8 years. I was married when we met online. I was caught . My marriage ended. He stays married.The affair continued . The affair broke up many legit relationships I attempted.
    Here I am “unsingle” I have no expectation of his marriage breaking up. His wife lives under the powerful dome of denial. Perhaps I do as well.I feel content.
    His children are happy. My children are happy. His wife looks happy in photos. I feel loved. he says his life is in perfect balance.
    I have tried so many times to end this “wrong” relationship. It seems impossible for me. I am a good person. I am sorry I get all the sex and love (that makes me happy) but she gets all the money and arm candy (that makes her happy) I am sorry she lives a lie .

    As long as you don’t need to claim ownership everybody wins.

  123. Anonymous

    If you knowingly enter into a relationship with someone married, or who has a family, you are a douchebag! Plain and simple.

    Being part of ruining something sacred is worthy of your own death, if it means that the family stays together. So, go jump in front of a bus.

  124. Anonymous

    Affair partners and the cheating spouse are self centered and do not care who they hurt, so whether they realize how much damage they cause or not, it doesn’t matter to them. Just like when my son hung himself at 11 years old because his mother had an affair and left us, and her partner said “at least you won’t have to pay child support”, and she left him and tried to come back to me. Sorry hun, you made your bed, now suffer in it. We all deserve better, and the cheater and their partner deserve each other along with the judgement. You reap what you sew.

  125. Anonymous

    Somehow, all of us have stumbled onto this webpage, looking for some sage wisdom to either justify our “affairs”, or sooth our hurting souls… I Am Hurting!
    Similar to 327, I am the OW in an affair with a law enforcement officer who has a wife that has literally survived three anurisms. We met while he was on duty. He found me on a daily basis and conversed with me for weeks.
    He claimed to be lonely and tired, I, after being divorced for over 10 years, was too. He works hard and seems to work hard, cooking all of her meals, cleaning, running his ranch…I was his joy, as he claimed, his solitude (his distraction actually). Initially he indicated that she was improving and that his plan was to complete the divorce they had begun “before” she became ill.He basically could not stand his wife and claimed that they had no relationship. they sleep in seperate bedrooms, have a sexless relatioship for over 5 years.He claimed that he was committed to care for her because she had no one else to do so.

    He has always claimed to love me “immensley”, but strangely enough, as I sit here today, I feel so foolish as I take inventory on how little he has ever really done for me. I only see him on his work schedule. I am the hotel “quickie” and have even reduced my integrity to performing acts for him in the car in the parking lot of his Station!!!! I feel so used, so lonely and unsatisfied. Yet, I am in love with him, and he claims to be in love with me….however, at this exact moment, he is sharing his vacation with his wife, who he claims, hates him, his family and state of origin, and the very wife, that is supposedly, “handicapped”, is on vacation. Go Figure!
    I call, he does not answer. I text, no reply. He calls and rushes me off in 20 seconds.
    Why does he not tell me the truth…why does he continue to make me promises, which he does not keep, why does he continue to tell me he loves me, call me his baby, ?????
    I feel like such an idiot. We other women really sell ourselves short dont we? Untangling ourselves is the only solution. I need my self worth and integrity back!!!!

  126. Anonymous

    #327, I am with 329 on this one. Pretty clear cut.

  127. Anonymous

    # 327…

    I had to react to your post…Can you read what you wrote? You are “in love” with a MM whose WIFE IS DYING. Here is my take on this and I am not going to make it easy on you:

    1. You are fooling yourself: he is NOT a committed husband. He would not be having an affair with another woman if he was, cancer or not. He does not take care of her, he has checked out of his marriage at a time of her life when she needs him most. Disgraceful…

    2. You are fooling yourself again: if you think that it is true that he has had no sexual relationship with is wife for the last 6 years, you are dupe. My husband told the same thing to all of his OWs (31 and counting) while leading a normal life with me including great SEX 3 to 4 times a week. They all believed him, poor thing…But if he told you he was sleeping with his wife, you would not feel much empathy for him, would you? So now you are supposed to save him from a sexless marriage?

    3. Wow, I have no words for a husband who confides in someone else (who ever it is, even YOU) such intimate details as to the time his wife still has to live. You have no right to know these details – unless SHE confides in you. I am speechless really. It is down right disguting and shows his character. But if I were you, I would also doubt this as much as “no sex for 6 years”. He should have come up with a better reason to let you hang around for the next 2 to 4 years (normally they give the children as a reason – when they finish elementary school, when they graduate from HS, after Christmas, before Christmas, when they get married, when they get their first child, when …). I also like the “max”. Hey 4 years, top max. What if 4 years rolls around (hopefully for her)…OK so now we have a problem…the wife does not die fast enough. What now? Throw her under a bus?

    4. Wait for him? Or wait for his wife to die? Ask yourself this question and then look at yourself in a mirror.

    By now you must be angry and it is a good thing. You are in a relationship with a married man. MARRIED means MARRIED. Unavailable. The time he gives you, he should be giving to his wife (who, shall I repeat is dying) and his children if he has any. All the hours he gives you, he steals from her and his family.

    By now you must know what my answer to your question will be. LEAVE. What is 4 months invested in a man who is not worth it? Would you prefer 4 years and the knowledge that you hovered on the death bed of an innocent woman for that long (wewh). Leave and don’t look back. Go out, do stuff, take Kick boxing, buy a dog and forget him. You will hurt, it will be difficult. But do this for you. And for her. the love you share is pure fantasy, it is not real and it is certainly NOT unique.

    One last thought…he does THIS to his wife…I sure hope you have a very strong health because he will do this to you too. Can you really count on him being there when you are sick? I think you know the answer.

  128. Anonymous

    I am deeply in love with a married woman. She is beautiful and everything I have ever wanted in a girl. We felt a connection first time we met, we fought it, ignored it, but it just kept pushing us together. We have been seeing eachother regularly for 6 months.

    Before we started, I asked her if she was unhappy in her marriage. She admitted she wasn’t unhappy, and couldn’t explain why she had this overwhelming need to be with me.

    6 months down the line, she is talking about confessing all to her husband. I feel sooo guilty, as they have young kids. I just can’t stop, nothing can stop this, it is too powerful.

  129. Anonymous

    Hi I am in love with a married man for the past 4 months. His wife has 4th stage cancer which cannot be cured. He is a very committed husband and takes care of his wife.
    I love this man very much. I am very confused as I don’t know what should I do? He has had no physical relationship with his wife for the past 6 yrs.
    We have become very close and sex is great.

    Should I stay in this situation.Wait for him? Doctors say the prognosis for his wife is hard to say maybe 2 to 4 yrs max.

  130. Anonymous

    to 325 the problem is your infatuation with him is greater than the love you have for yourself. Don’t you DESERVE better than this? Do you want to be with someone who has the capacity to do to you what he’s doing to the “mother of his children?”

    I think you should get down on your knees and thank your lucky stars that you have the opportunity to dodge this bullet before it turns into a catastrophe.

  131. Anonymous

    After reading all these comments, I am relieved that I am not alone. I’ve been seeing a man who I believe is the man of my dreams for a year and a month. We started out as friends who decided to have this arrangement. He is engaged to the mother of his child. He’s supposedly very unhappy with her.. Mentally, emotionally, physically. I fulfill the needs that aren’t met at home. Though he’s never promised to leave her and has even told me a few time that nothing more than an arrangement will come out of this affair, I can’t help but hope that things will change. I am in live with him. I wake up every morning waiting for his texts. I wait everyday for him to tell me when he will come over to see me. I’ve deluded myself thinking that this is more than a physical relationship to him. I have been there for him as a friend, a confidant.

    I’ve tried so many times to leave but have no strength to let go. I am so afraid of the pain that will come out of not seeing him again. I am not a stupid woman but I am acting like one. I keep thinking that maybe I could be the exception to the rule. I want to believe that he’s a good man with a heart.. That he’s not a selfish jerk who is taking advantage of me. I blame myself everyday for enabling him to cheat.

    I am in limbo and it’s painful. I know I’m being weak. I know I’m being selfish. I don’t want to be the other woman. I want someone to come home to. I want a family. I want a peaceful life. I want to believe I deserve all that and at the end of the day, I find myself wanting him to choose me.

    I’ve never been so unhappy in my life yet when his around, I’m happy. I find it painful to look at myself in the mirror …. How can a beautiful, intelligent, loving, amazing woman like be succumb to this situation? How can I be so weak? Why am I having such a hard time letting go. I know what’s right from wrong…. But I can’t seem to pull myself together and start doing the right thing.

    I cried as I read each of the comments above. I don’t want to hurt anymore.

  132. Anonymous

    I think you need help before this destroys you and your children. A. You and he were not married, B. Where’s the birth control, a child already exsisted before pregnancy took place again C. He chose to hook up with a different person, but she seems to be getting majority of blame and D. Life is to short to give someone else all your energy and power by hating. We all make mistakes and horrible choices at times, even you in your choice of men.
    Let go learn and move on so that you and your children can have a fullfilling happy life!

  133. Anonymous

    Last year my fiancee cheated on me. I was pregnant with our first child together and he wanted me to have an abortion. I couldn’t go through with it. He was so pissed at me, he persued some ho 10 years younger than I am for a week. She knew all about me, knew about my son that had grown to love my fiancee and she also knew I was pregnant. He loved me, but he loved his pain more. She knew he loved me, but she loved the attention she was getting from him more. She slept with him anyway. Skank went to his house in the middle of the night and turned herself into a saturday night booty call and left before the sun ever came up. I hate her guts. I hate his. She is just as culpable as he is, because she knew the deal up front. They are selfish bastards and deserve nothing but misery. She haunts my dreams and my life. Make no mistake ladies, when you get involved with someone who is in a committed relationship, you helping to sentence that mans woman to a lifetime of misery. The pain is so deep and raw. I am 7 months out of finding out what he did to me and I came face to face with the woman he cheated on me with just this last Sunday night. It is the most painful thing I have experienced in my 33 years. Wonder what it must be like for her knowing she only got screwed because I didn’t kill my baby? Wonder if it still makes her all hot and bothered…you people that betray us this way deserve nothing good in your life. Nothing. If I and other betrayed spouses like me have to suffer because of your selfishness, you don’t ever deserve happiness.

  134. Anonymous

    I too can relate to many of these comments. I’m in an affair almost 16 years with a married man. Talk about low self esteem, lonliness, and heartache. I have been in that spot for several years…and it isn’t going to change unless I make the change. I tried many many times, but here I am in the same spot as before with the same man. He tells me he can’t predict the future, and if he wasn’t with his wife he’d be with me, but she has to make the move first. For 16 years my life has revolved around him and his wife’s schedule and it leaves me alone and sad. I don’t know what to do as I’ve tried to leave several times but he won’t let go. And we work together in a place where pretty much everybody knows. I have dug a hole so deep I do.t see a future. I blame myself for being ignorant, and I don’t want to hurt anyone else. I just don’t know anymore. Love isn’t enough! Advice I’d give someone else on verge of an affair RUN now!

  135. Anonymous

    I think you all should read the book Mr unavailble and the fallback girl. Also, I recently read that these sorts of men find there lovers more unattractive as the months go by leaving them feeling like they need to upgrade from you to eventually. Stop feeding these guys egos please. Work out why you want this aweful life for yourself.

  136. Anonymous

    I discovered this site last night while looking for something to help me in my losing battle to cope with the devastation and despair I have experienced and continue to experience as a result of my allowing myself to become involved with a MW six year ago. I have just learned that I will be served with a citation for violation of a temporary stalking order, the result of an e-mail I sent to her now ex- husband asking him to forgive me for the affair.

    It started when a younger attractive woman that worked on the same floor in my office building began flirting with me when she passed me coming and going on the elevator, escalator and hallways. Eventually I struck up a conversation and learned that she had children but no mention of a husband. Finally after several months I called her and asked her out. She told me she was married. Then she asked me what my ‘story’ was. A short while later she came over to my office suite and asked for me, proceeding to apologize for flirting with me. Within a very short time she began to pursue me. I had been single and completely alone for over eight years and most of the 21 years (now 27) since my wife had an affair and divorced me for my 30th birthday (my two daughters 3 and infant) when our divorce was final.

    I made the mistake of thinking I could be friends, but when she very quickly told me she was falling in love with me, I found myself feeling the same. Though I encouraged her to work out the issues in her marriage at the beginning, I ultimately bought into her declarations that her marriage was a mistake of youth (she was 22 when she married), they were more like roommates than spouses, she had never loved him and he did not show her any love. Basically the only thing the had in common was their two children. I rationalized that her children would be better off as children of divorce (my daughters have turned out pretty well) than living in the midst of their parents loveless marriage.

    So I fell for her and pretty much made her my life. My business went in the toilet, my self-esteem plummeted and I put all my hopes for my future and for happiness in the hopes of marrying her. She used her Christian faith and her children as the only reasons she was still married. Although we ‘broke up’ dozens of times over the course of the five years, she would always come back to me telling me how much she missed me and loved me. Every year during the holidays she would ‘break up’ with me and then send me e-mails or call me on Thanksgiving and/or Christmas to tell me she loved me. In December of 2010 we ‘broke up’ again, right on schedule. On Christmas Day she sent me an e-mail wishing me a Happy Children’s Day. The email began with my name followed by “love” and ended with “I Love You”. She had a way of feeding me morsels of hope such of telling me how her therapist had given her a referral to a divorce lawyer and in October of 2010 confided to me that she had told her therapist that when she was with me she felt “loved, loving and joy”. The affair was a constant roller coaster ride of emotions for me, constantly going from the happiness of the closest intimate relationship I had ever had to utter despair and devastation.

    By mid January of 2011 she told me she was done with me and that she would no longer acknowledge my presence, demanding that I cease any and all communication with her. This was to include those times when I saw her in the hallway or elevator where she had begun the flirtations that led to the affair. I did not handle this particularly well and ended up threatening to tell her husband about the affair. She proceeded to tell me with tears in her eyes that she had told her husband about the affair and that I had ‘buried’ her . In the following few weeks I sought her forgiveness and sent her several e-mails. When I saw her on the street in front of our building she was receptive and flirtatious, responding coyly to my asking her if she was reading my e-mails with “Well, Maybe.”

    The very next day she said she needed to talk to me and took me up to the privacy of the parking garage where most of the sexual part of our affair had taken place and proceeded to tell me the reason she was still reading my e-mails what that she was ‘terrified’ of what I might do. She made hurtful references about my daughters as well. So that was one last roller coaster ride.

    In the end, after five years of telling me how ‘special’ I was and how much she loved me, she completely turned on me, telling me she never loved me that it was just an affair (so different from all the hours we sat and talked about how this was not the typical affair). She belittled the whole thing, abandoned, betrayed, devalued, dehumized, emasculated and vilified me. She had the gall to take her husband to the police in April of last year and try to get a stalking order against me claiming I had threatened her life and that I was nothing more than an ‘older; guy she knew that worked across the hall in office that become infatuated with her and was stalking her because she had refused my advances. After that I wrote a long letter to her husband telling him in great detail about the affair. Less than four months later they were divorced. I believe she used me as her “exit affair”.

    In October when I tried to seek forgiveness she responded by telling me I should ask here husband for forgiveness. When I was overheard by a security guard ranting in the empty office elevator as I was leaving the a few days later, she, having begun a relationship with the head of security for the building, was informed and used that combined with a litany of fabrication to obtain a temporary stalking order on October 31. I have since moved out of the building and had had no contact with her in three months. Last week I sent her husband an e-mail asking for his forgiveness. He forwarded it directly to her and she forwarded it to her attorney. On her birthday on 1/31 I sent her an ‘anonymous’ email with two music videos. She claims to be a Christian and I had recently seen a comment she made on a facebook post saying ‘amen’ to a reference to how to live a truly Christlike life. One of the videos was a ‘Christian’ video to a song by Joseph Arthur called “In The Sun” and the other, also by Joseph Arthur is called “Birthday Card”. As a result of those actions I will probably end up with a criminal record and a permanent stalking order. I have already experienced the humiliation of having my date asked for ID for reason made know by the officer during a routine traffic stop.

    I have learned that she is a textbook Narcissist and now see that I was nothing but an object to her, she has not an ounce of empathy or compassion , despite her facebook “amen” and I have allowed her to all but destroy me. I think about her all day every day and despite praying to God to take her out of my head, I continue to wake up thinking of her and fall asleep thinking of her.
    I have also prayed that I won’t wake up and I have been actively and seriously considering suicide, even to the point of telling family members and my attorney/friend that I am going to kill myself.

    So that is the legacy of an affair. One that wasn’t supposed to be an ordinary affair, but different, meant to be. I have hurt so many people.

  137. Anonymous

    To the last comment, so get out if it’s empty and crap. Noone deserves to be drug through hell first. It’s cruel.

  138. Anonymous

    309 here. Hey 310. Title of this area is “other woman (other men)” so I will split hairs with you to say I am in the right place. My view is that many men compartmentalize, and are able to separate the affair from the marriage quite easily…… and they want both. And if the man is contributing to the marriage in all the ways a wife wants, but he is also stepping out on the side, I think it is the wronged spouse’s ego that is most hurt. When roles are reversed, and the woman is cheating, men are often moved to violence…because their EGOS are hurt. If we look at all the justified feeling words…..Betrayed/Fooled/Embarrassed/Angered…….it is the ego that is reacting. How could he/she do that to ME. Yes, it hurts. I have front-row seats to that pain.

    My view is expect the best from a person, but prepare for the worst. Meaning….. watch your money, make sure you can survive without him/her. Keep the fun in the marriage…but that takes two willing participants. Marriage is challenging, but too much blame is put on the OW/OM. If no one ever commits adultery again, there will STILL be many very empty marriages.

  139. Anonymous

    Thank you for response. My first relationship (10 yrs) was not with a MM. and Yes getting involved with this man was probably for revenge/rebound reasons on some level. I too pray that one day I will find that special relationship. My reason for posting was that from great pain one can make very wrong decisions based on the loneliness, heartache and desperation you feel. Wrong as it is, I now see how easily in can happen. The secret is to be aware of these pitfalls and to learn from experience. I have.

  140. Anonymous

    #315,
    Having been in a relationship with a MM, I would like to share my observations with you about your situation:

    It seems that you are giving yourself permission to enter into relationships with MM.
    Could it be that getting involved with this second MM was a rebound relationship from the first A with a MM?
    You are making justifications for entering into this second A.

    I do not mean to sound judgmental. It is just that you are not learning from these poor choices and will then keep entering into these unfulfilling, dead end relationships. This is sad because you are worth more than this and deserve better.

    I hope that one day you will find why you enter into A and then be able to find the happiness with a special man that man which you seek.

  141. Anonymous

    9 months ago my 10 yr relationship ended because of deceit and betrayal. It has been the most devasting experience ever. Many times I felt that I would never survive and even prayed for death, the pain was so real. For 8 months I stayed away from people and places, I was in too much turmoil to mix with others, my pain and anguish was all consumming. Eventually I started living again and 2 months ago I met a man who was visiting from another country and we began a friendship, mostly stemming from the pain he saw me in. We shared alot and he was very truthful about who and what he was/is. i.e. married. condensed version – This short liason helped to take me from a place of darkness into one where i could believe again, in my self and somehow I healed. I knowingly entered into this relationship knowing that he was MM and also that within a month he would be gone. Do I feel good about it. NO – do I feel remorse and guilt – YES in huge doses. Would i do it again -definately not – it is counterfeit. BUT it did heal me and I find myself wanting to get on with life again. I will never forget the past month and how it redeemed me. But the guilt is great. A huge part of my justification was that I would never see this man again. Life is strange and at times desperation and pain can make one reach out and grasp anything that will numb the pain you’re in. I was always one that had no regard for anyone that enters into affairs and I did just that. All I can say for myself is I am not proud of what I did, Iunderstand the dynamics and what it did for me and I pray that I can only learn from here and learn to forgive myself. I do know that i will always be grateful for what the past month meant to me and helped me overcome.

  142. Anonymous

    #313, #310 here. I have to thank you sincerely for your post and for being so honest. I to wish I had found this site earlier to be able to understand the dynamics of affairs. I now understand that my husband’s multiple, long-term and short term affairs are a symptom of his personnal issues and that until he turns to me for help and support, he will continue down the path he has chosen. I can forgive. I cannot forget. just for the simple fact that he has put my health in serious risk for all these years I cannot forget.

    It is not just a matter of divorcing, not divorcing…Kicking my husband to the kerb, despite being a very entertaining fantasy is not as easy done as it is said. What an OW often forget – or refuse to understand – is that as a wife I was as much in love with my husband as she think she is/was. After all, I married him because we were in love. Even more, I have developed deep affection and emotional attachment to my husband over the years as we went through the ups and downs of life and (I thought) our inital romanticized love developed into something more mature. I was a very good and attentive partner. I loved my husband more than anything in the world. I was there for him all these years. I have read over and over again how difficult it is for an OW to leave a MM, I have read about their hurt, the physical pain, the sensation that the world is collapsing…Well I feel the same, exactly the same. My world has been shattered for ever. Something has been broken that cannot be repaired. My life has been changed forever. And I am supposed to just walk away? Walk away from my dreams, my house, my future, my family without a second tought? When the anger is gone, all that is left is sorrow, hurt and emptiness.

  143. Anonymous

    #309,

    I hear your anger, pain, frustration, indignation – all rightfully so. Thank you for explaining your side of the issue. I do not know what I would do if I were in your shoes. It seems like a loose-loose situation: stay in your marriage knowing your husband is unfaithful or seek a divorce. You have a hard road to travel.

    I have been the OW, the A having ended about two months ago. I have been single for many years, having been married twice before. I other wise do not want to be in a relationship with a man, having sworn them off years ago. I do not date.

    What I did was wrong and I felt a lot of guilt. He struggled with much more guilt than I did. I have no excuse for consciously choosing to enter into this relationship, and I will not try to justify it. Never in my life have I chosen to do something that would cause another person such injury.
    I consider myself to be a conscious person who seeks to be morally correct, aware of other people’s boundaries, and know what is ethically right. This relationship with a MM was truly an anomaly for me.

    It is true that affairs become addictions. I experienced the most powerful feeling I have ever felt in my 50+ years and, despite very strong self control, I found myself sliding towards this relationship despite all my best efforts to prevent it. He did to. It was not an “easy” relationship – we were both filled with a great deal of inner conflict with our consciouses.

    I did not understand these power feelings of mutual attraction and why I seemed unable to resist them. It was like I was drugged or something. I did not enjoy it for the “thrill” or “high” feeling. Only a extremely powerful attraction, like being in an hypnotic state.

    However, friendship was the focus of this relationship.

    His wife wanted a divorce. He did not want to divorce, though he was considering it when we met. I encouraged this MM to stay in the marriage for the kids sake. I never fooled myself into thinking that there would be a future with him. I never tried to hold him down and supported whatever decision he would ultimately make.

    I wish I had found this blog much sooner. Seeing it as an addiction (I do not have an addictive personality), I entered into the relationship naively and needed to be educated about the powerful dynamics of an A. I would have needed the support of other women caught in the same situation to help me understand what was happening and how to stop it.

    Am I sorry it happened? Yes and no. I loathed him having to be dishonest with his wife and family. I did choose to harm someone and I take ownership if this fact. (His wife did not know of the relationship.) However, I had some wonderful experiences with him which I other wise would never have enjoyed. Perhaps this is selfish of me.

    For you, being the wife, I can only hope that you would be willing to forgive and understand that as humans we do not always do what we know to be the best thing. We do make bad choices.

    Then we learn from them.
    WF

  144. Anonymous

    I’m the betrayed spouse trying to find answers to why these women would go after another women’s man? Is it a power trip? Do you think it’s a competition? Even if you do end up with them it’s usually cause the wife won’t forgive or he can’t seem to get rid of you which in each case, you lose? It’s seriously such a dangerous game ladies. People get killed over what your doing. All people live for is family and having there own and you are destroying it? Please stop what your doing before you live to regret the day you laid eyes on your married man as it will definitely cause you long term pain, whether you end up with him or not. Especially when children are concerned. Noone will ever except you and the children will always despise you. You will always come second fiddle to them and you will always be seen as the villan. Always… A lot to take on.

  145. Anonymous

    Because the ow make it all perfect for them to cheat. Bet if your husband was having an easy affair on the side cause the other women made it that way you would be pretty peed off at the other women intruding on your turf too.

  146. Anonymous

    # 309, you are welcome to visit other aras of this site, this one addresses specifically the OW’s perpective. And I think wihtout making any mistake, this is the one site that explains so precisely what goes on during an affair from everyone involve’s perspective. Did not find anything like this anywhere on the Internet. Look on the left end side and choose your topic…

    . Have you heard about the sanctity of marriage and have you pronounced vows? I take mine seriously. and I expected my wayward husband to do the same. He married willingly (I did not have a gun to his head…) and he cheated on me willingly. I did not sign for an open marriage, and as far as I remember, the OW was not at the altar with us.

    Again, you ask the wrong question. It should be more along the line of “how can he betray the trust of his wife, abandon his children emotionally and provide time and affection to another person?” It has nothing to do with me letting someone else be “nice” to my husband and everything to do with me defending furiously what I have been building for the last 15 years…

    Marriage is by definition an exclusive relationship. There is no space for a third or a fourth person. So yes marriage and affairs are mutually exclusive. If a man respects his marriage, he will work on it, he will work on making his wife and children his priority, make her happy, make them happy, he will make the effort to love her (yes that takes efforts and work to develop a mature relationship). If he respects his marriage and is truely not happy, he will take ownership of his own unhapiness and walk away properly. Divorce then move on. Affairs are not a solution for one’s own unhapiness.

    This is LIFE!!!!! Are you living in a bubble? What is fulfillment for you? Are some people, by some unknown birth rights, eligible to a life of irresponsibility and eternal hapiness? This in my view is a very childish approach to life. And a very poor reason for cheating. And yes, when you have children, you have to live for them!!! This is the sacred contract you made to them when you brought them into this world (or adopted them)! It has nothing to do with what other people think and everything to do with how much you love them…

    Obviously you would need to have been in the betrayed spouse to understand that very little would have any type of sympathy for the OW/OM who contributes/ed to destoy their lives. Venom? You have not seen venom…I have not seen much here anyway…overall the discourse remain pretty civil. But why would it bother you anyway? Your spend a lot of energy in your post justifying affairs. Not every one would agree with you.

  147. Anonymous

    My feeling is most MM who cheat want it all – a married home-life and a no-strings-attached affair. I don’t see any acknowledgement of that on this blog. The MM doesn’t want to choose –he wants BOTH. So why are we so upset that they want both? It our EGOS. How dare he want someone in addition to ME. How dare he let me be nice to him and then let her be nice to him too. If you take away the morality-stumpers here, it’s mostly about ego. To you morality stumpers – you fervently believe in God, so, if it’s wrong in God’s eyes then let God do the punishing. It’s not YOUR job.

    My experience with MM say they leave clues about cheating when they want to get caught. They want a reaction from the spouse – either jealousy (spouse still loves me) or divorce (finally I am free). If a man respects his marriage and really wants to keep an affair going, he is very careful about NOT leaving clues. Again – marriage and affair are not mutually exclusive to the man who wants both.

    The whys of an affair…well..that requires case-by-case analysis. I think it is linked to how fulfilled one feels as an individual. Marriage is often not fulfilling. There are lots of duties, chores, obligations, responsibilities….but not a lot of fulfillment. We’ve start to live “for the children” – because you will be congratulated for being so noble. But inside, you are dying.

    And these entries seem focused on the MM who cheat. As my father says, they aren’t all cheating with the same woman, are they? Women cheat too. So….how about some venom for the cheating OM. Why is all the hate directed to OWs?

  148. Anonymous

    to #305 there is no such thing as NO CONTROL…you always had the choice of going along and participate in the betrayal of a spouse or walk away and find your own happiness. I have been involved unknowingly with a MM when I was younger. Dated him for almost a year before I learned from a friend that he was married and his wife was pregnant. He was working for an airline company and was going back and forth between her and I very conveniently. The minute I learned he was married, that was it. He called me that evening like nothing was going on. I just told him to stay with his wife, that she was pregnant and that he was dispicable to do this to her. I hung up and never looked back. Guess what, he called back months later when the baby was born to ask me if I would babysit (yeah, I did not fall for this one…). I just told him that he had a family and to stay away from me. What a disgusting person!

    See, I am respectable and I have morals too. It is all about being what you say you are. It is possible, and you have the control. It is all about the choices you make. I have decided to end things the minute I learned of his married status. You just decided to go along for 18 years. Was I in love? Yes. Did I cry? Yes. Did it hurt? Yes. I sucked it up and walked away.

    I have now been in the shoes of the betrayed spouse twice. My first marriage ended when my then-husband finally left me and his 3 children for a woman who ditched him less than 1 month later. He had had a 15-year affair with her…I just discoverd that my stbx husband has had multiple LTA for (again) the entirety of our relationship. This time, I leave. They can have him (if you are interested, he will be available soon…). OW are EXACTLY what I think they are.

  149. Anonymous

    On ending the relationship:
    Yes, it is very painful, I know.
    An affair can be no more than what it is. It reaches its capacity, then plays itself out as it is – an affair with an unavailable MM that will not last. Prepare yourself for this.

    A true test of love is the ability to let the beloved go, to let him get back to his life, to do what he must do.
    His home life and family is were his priority, strength and happiness lay. He needs these things much more than he ever needed me. There is security in marriage, even if it is an unhappy one.

    As for letting go – I look at the glass as being half full. I look back at the good times we shared, the characteristics I admired about him, the beautiful moments. These memories I will always treasure. Just because the relationship is over does not mean that I must stop loving him. He will always have a special place in my heart.

    Find some comfort in doing the right thing for everyone: ending it.

    Letting go is one of the hardest things that must be done in life.

  150. Anonymous

    What if the MM’s wife is also having an affair herself? Despite ongoing marriage counseling, they both were involved in affairs.
    The MM I had been involved with in an on-again-off-again relationship for two years discovered this.
    Anyone have any experience with this?

  151. Anonymous

    After reading all of these stories, I am overcome with sadness. To those who judge people involved in affairs you are so wrong. Affairs do happen sometimes at the lowest point in your life and you have NO CONTROL. At all times you realise it is wrong and are ridden with guilt. The other woman/other man can be a respectable person but appears to get all the blame. In my opinion the married man does all the manipulation by phone, stalking and just not giving up on their prey. I am a single person and have had an affair for 18 years and have just ended it. I never once asked him to leave his wife. I am respectable, have morals, I had a strict upbringing yet I did the worst thing. I would tell him think of your wife, your children, you stepdaughter. The OW is not what you think and sometimes she is just as good as the wife. When you fall in love and you fall in love deep, sometimes you just cannot get out of the trap you are in and the years roll on. Yes I wanted to be married, with 2.5 kids and the white picket fence but fate had other plans for me. I can only describe it as being under a spell and sucked in a vaccum. Reality hit when his wife separated from him for 5 months and then returned to him. Of course he turned to me for support and then took her in as soon as she came back in fear of losing his business and money. That did it for me and it is now 2 weeks of no contact. I am in so much pain and struggling every day. I have been such a fool but have woken up from my nightmare. How could I have been so naive and pathetic when I am strong in other areas? I needed love and he came along. I was led by the devil and the devil was him.

  152. Anonymous

    You ladies need to know that the reason you can’t keep nor find a single available man your own age is that normal men run a mile when they meet you. OW are generally mentally unstable, insecure, irrational and obsessed. Not appealing for a good catch but very easilly appealing for a slimmy cheating married man. Think about it ladies…

  153. Anonymous

    I am the wife.. of 30+ years. OW is an internet lot lizard who trolls looking for men to talk to, eventually getting her hooks into what was mine. Were we having trouble? No. We had gotten stale. But you know what.. I started playing a virtual chess match with this other women. Her moves got to be so easy to read. She was pursuing him, and for every move she made, I made a calculated move to block her. All it took was for me to tell him what he wanted to hear once again, because I’ll be damned if some two-bit floozy was going to take what I had worked 30+ years for. Long story short.. I win.

    I will quote #302 above with the same sentence.. “He broke up with her when I found out. I hope that she thinks of him as her great lost love for the rest of her life and it makes her miserable!!” Do I deserve better? Yep.. but I know this.. you wanted what was mine, but some of us can be just as deceiving, conniving and as big a b*tch as you are. Checkmate.

  154. Anonymous

    My H had an affair 7 years ago and it caused deep lasting pain. From what he said and what Ive come to learn of affairs, Im sure he showed her some wonderful traits but conveniently left out some of the crap I have dealt with on a daily basis for years. She was “getting back at” her fiance for cheating and brought my family into her drama – selfish wench. He broke up with her when I found out. I hope that she thinks of him as her great lost love for the rest of her life and it makes her miserable

  155. Anonymous

    Well, I have been an unwitting OW twice. The first time, I was 24, he was 37 and he was more Not Divorced than Married. She lived in a different state. After dating me for 2 months, the man said he need to have a heart-to-heart, and that’s when he told me he was married. I had no clue before-hand. But it never interfered with our relationship. And since marriage has never been my goal, it did not prove to be an issue for us. We broke up after 4 years because of other issues.

    The second time the man I was dating and screwing lied and said he was “helping out” an old girlfriend by letting her stay at his home until the end of the month. I called on the first day of the next month; she answered, I asked for him, she gave him the phone, and he acted as if I were so long-ago college friend who *happened* to call. That was my first inkling. I never really liked the character of that man and inside I always felt he was an opportunistic slimeball. So, on the day I broke up with him, I called his house right after he left my place, asked for him, she said he was out, I told her I knew he wasn’t there because he just left me. I said I don’t want him, but do you know what a creep you have? She said “How long have you been seeing my husband?”. Husband! I shouted. You are MARRIED? God he is such a LIAR! He later called and screamed at me for trying to upset his “home life”. Un-effin-believable. We had a shouting match and that was the end of that.

    Now, decades later, I am a willing OW with a man I knew was married before we began anything. Like the others here who try to show we are still good people, he pursued me for a year. But I could see what he wanted, and I am attracted enough and lonely enough to give in. I think he is an exceptional man, but YES, he is a cheat….a serial cheater. He would not be sexually faithful to any woman….don’t know what it is that drives him to cheat. He loves his wife, never speaks ill of her….actually he refrains from talking about her at all. He will tell stories about his children/grandchildren, but he never mentions his wife. We live in a fantasy bubble where, for the couple of hours we are together, there are no other people but us. I accept that I probably care for him more deeply than he cares for me…but he does brighten up my life and I like it. Maybe it’s like that line in the “Shawshank Redemption” – some birds just aren’t meant to be caged.

  156. Anonymous

    to 298 – What can I say – even with all your justification and there always is justification before the sin –

    You are the sewerage Tank

  157. Anonymous

    Yeah right all I’m hearing is “when I grow up I want to be with someone elses husband and have someone else’s child and cause heartbreak misery and broken homes cause I’m to lazy and impatient to get a decent available partner” we all want to loved ladies. Even the wife wants her husband to love her to as she deserves after all, she’s the one who put the hard yards into her marriage Till you come along and make it easy for him to cheat. Shame on you all.

  158. Anonymous

    When I read 296 I remember why single men scare me. I never trust them to hold my secrets or care about me more than they care about themselves. I am a very happy long-term OW. My MM has not ever done any thing to “get back at me”…maybe because he has a lot to lose if he got vindictive…or, more likely, maybe because he is more level-headed than 296. My MM and I lead separate lives and I do not want to replace his wife. I’m not into drama.

  159. Anonymous

    to 296 – You know, whn you are in the middle of a heart-break- you feel that nothing will ever be the ame again and the worst thing you want to hear is ” time heals”. I could just throttle anyone who said to me “just give it time”. It has been 7 months from my break-up and I can say that with time you learn to live with what you have been dealt with. and the pain and memories get watered down somewhat, they are always there, just lurking beneath the surface but they do not hve the same power to so destroy you as before. I never ever thought I would find a reason to smile again. So yes this is a long painful walk, and slowly we learn to adapt. Go well all you hurting people, my prayers and love go before you. And to all you deceivers – well as the saying goes ” The Grass is always greener under the sewerage tank !!

  160. Anonymous

    I am the OM in a relationship I just ended with a MW. I have known her for a little over a year and we’ve been intimate for the past 6 months. I have become obsessed with her, waiting on phone calls, texts, emails, etc. TOday I decided to end it because I simply can’t go on having only half of her. I am so in love with her that I have no idea how I will ever ever get over this. I want to get angry. I want to lash out at her. I want revenge. I want to tell her husband so that she will be as miserable as I am, but I know that it is best not to react this way. I can not see the pain getting better from this, but I do not ask for sympathy as I deserve none because I got myself into this. I met her 2 days before I began chemotherapy for cancer and she (as much as she could be) was by me every step of the way. Once I finished treatment the relationship became intimate and I fell head over heels. She will never commit to leaving her husband (not until her son leaves for college, they are in business together, etc. etc). Thus, I have finally come to the conclusion that she will never ever leave her husb. no matter what. I have asked numerous times and she always side steps the question and is non committal. I have no idea how I will live without her as I have never loved ANYONE like I love her. Again, I dont look for sympathy but just asking anyone: Does the pain end?

  161. Anonymous

    @294. Who says he is miserable? I am guessing he is the one that says it. If he told you he was happy, would you have gone along with this? Sometime, people have affairs because they can. Of course people will say they had a bad marriage before they started the affair. Its like asking people if they are racists. Consider the possibility you have been had. I doubt he is being honest with his wife; why do you think he is honest with you? I would say run, and run far.

  162. Anonymous

    Wow…so many others and yet everyone is slightly different…I am the OW…at the time I met my MM i was also married and was unhappy in my marriage for sometime…this affair has been going on for about 1 1/2 years…both the MM and I intended on hooking up only for sex and nothing more…we both were lacking in that area of our marriage..and i have to say the sex is so amazing…sorry im all over the place here…after two months of beginning this affair I left my husband…dont get all confused and think i left my husband to be with my lover…i didnt…like i mentioned earlier i was unhappy in my marriage and thought it only fair to let my husband go so that he could find a woman who would love him better than i…after i left my husband i continued to see the MM…we have seen each other through many things in the short amount of time together…i have tried to break it off with him several times and he has made a couple attempts as well but we have been unsuccessful…this last attempt has really made me think about what the hell this all about….he has no children so im unclear as to why he just doesnt leave her since he is so utterly miserable…and i dont want him to leave for me i want him to do it for his own reasons but if he doesnt want to leave and he does love her than i feel i am getting in the way of him resolving his marital issues and if i am to be a true and loving friend i need to let him go so that he can try to find some form of happiness in his marriage…as long as im around he will avoid dealing with it….so i guess it is time for me to quit being so selfish and let him go…also note im feeling some guilt towards the wife…im sure she isnt as awful as he makes her out to be…she is a human with real day to day issues and an unfaithful husband…makes me sad

  163. Anonymous

    only too true 292. Not so funny when you are on the receiving end of deceit and lies. As the saying goes the Grass is always “Greener over the Sewerage Tank. “

  164. Anonymous

    I wonder how you young girls would feel if you were married with children and some young naive girl who didn’t really know your husband from a bar of soap besides all the lies he tells you was hitting on your husband and offering him a no strings attached (till she gets obsessed) relationship?

  165. Anonymous

    #287/290 here again to correct a typo as I meant to write …”absolutely no sympathy…”. Cheers.

  166. Anonymous

    #287 here. Agree with you #289. Although I talked about empathy, not sympathy. I have aboslutely no enpathy for anyone involved with my husband. Hoawever, I would have liked to hear about OW who found themselves in the situation where their lover told them he was single/divorced/widowed/whatever [i.e wife is not around when they actually LIVE WITH HER] and they believed him and later on [years later] discovered he was actually married.

  167. Anonymous

    @288 I suspect they don’t want sympathy, I think they want some one to tell them it will work out, that their lover will leave their wife or husband, and kids, and they will run off into the sunset together. The odds of it happening are probably less than 10 percent, and the odds of of the sunset lasting, maybe 20-25 percent. If they really accepted that, they wouldn’t be able to live with themselves, so they buy the lie that it is all for love, the marriage was over anyway, etc. Some one once said if they are lieing to you, they are probably lieing to themselves. So sympathy is not what they want, they want some one to tell them the lie is the truth. But, in some ways, don’t we all want that.

  168. Anonymous

    I can’t belive you intruders in marriages and familys want sympathy….

  169. Anonymous

    One of my husband mistresses (note the plural form) does not know he is married. I discovered the A not long ago. Their relationship is a long distance one (she is in OZ), they have been together twice in 6 years (otherwise they are sexting/calling everyday). I went through pages and pages of mails and chats and she genuinely does not know I exist. And my husband does not know I know (complicated situation). Should I tell her? How should I tell her? He will certainly never tell her – and will not stop the A. As weird as it seems, I have some empathy for her because he is cheating her too and I feel bad for her – I know she will go through the same hellish d-day as I did…Ok my empathy for her stops here, he is still MY husband and I do not want her in my M. Advice please…Any OW found herself in this situation on this board?

  170. Anonymous

    267 here again – update – 5 months have passed since my traumatic breakup. Yes time has passed – but the healing is something that cannot be rushed. I find I can breathe easier, and
    and generally am learning to cope. But the wounds and memories are always there, just waiting to break free and wreck what ever peace I am holding onto. I have moments of quiet resolution and try with every bit of courage I can to regain purpose and joy again. My reason for posting is to just give anyone who find themselves in the early stages of grief caused by deceit that there is healing. Slowly, slowly, little baby-steps. Do nothing that will harm you or delay the healing. The hurts are bad enough to endure,do not add to them by acting out of anger and revenge which only leaves one feeling more pain. God bless you all. And to the betrayers/deceivers, may you come to realise what lasting damage you cause and may you never have to endure the pain yourself that you so selfishly inflict.

  171. Anonymous

    Light-bulb moment for me too. Why in 13 years did I find no one? Because I don’t want to be in a real less-than-perfect relationship. I just realized that. Being a OW is ideal for someone who does not want a less-than-perfect relationship. We tell ourselves we want someone of our own, but, No, we really don’t. We don’t want anyone who is less than our ideal – looks-wise, personality-wise, whatever-wise. I feel exactly as you and many OW on this site – the MM we are involved with connects with us emotionally, physically (always physically) and intellectually, like no man has ever done before! How can that be so true for all of us?

    Because we want fantasy relationships. Like fantasy football, we pull only the best from these MM, which is easy to do with short visits. We never see what day-to-day is like with these men. Real boyfriends will always pale in comparison.

    In my case, I’d never have the confidence to be with this man if he were single. He’s a physically beautiful man…I’d be insecure about him. I’ve never dated anyone as attractive on several levels as my MM – looks/intelligence/personality/sexually satisfying. I’ve had a couple of cute guys, but they were bad lovers. I’ve had OK-looking, good-lover, but dull. I’ve had interesting, fair-lover, but not attractive. I’ve had good-lover and nothing else tantalizing – surprisingly this is the most unsatisfying partner.

    I am flattered by MM’s sexual attention. To quote “Pretty Woman” – I’m not trying to land him, I’m just using him for sex. When we got back after the 13 years, things weren’t working down south for him all that well. I was accepting of him, and had fun regardless of him not responding like a young man…and it paid off sexually. He needed someone who really liked him and liked sex. I needed the same thing. It puzzles me that so many women AND men think OW should be upset that he only wants you for sex. When sex is coupled with mutual like, that ain’t so bad. We have a good time, he goes back home. I live my life. I do wonder why he can’t communicate his sexual needs to his wife…

    I concede there are OW who want to (LOVE TO) take the MM from their wives/children/home life.

  172. Anonymous

    In my case, my man is/was my addiction, no different from alcohol, drugs, food or whatever we happen to use to make ourselves feel better temporarily. I got high off of his desire for me, even though it never seemed to last long, since he always had to go back to his girlfriend. But it was enough to keep me wanting more. And the fact that he was unavailable and that we were doing something we had to keep a secret made it all the more exciting. I would physically go into withdrawal when I didn’t hear from him by the time I thought I should have or if I said something to him to anger him and thought he wouldn’t want to ever see me again.

    It was really sick. I was really sick. If this rings true for any of you, you’ve got to look at yourself and see what you’re doing to yourself and your life. 2.5 years ago when I was trying to leave him then, 3 things helped me immensely. First, I saw a therapist who herself was a very strong woman and she didn’t pull any punches with me. She also turned me onto Sugarland’s song “Stay” which was popular at the time. I listened to that song over and over, gaining strength from it. Then I also read the book “He’s Just Not That Into You” and it resonated so much with my situation. As a result, I was able to leave the guy, for 2.5 years anyhow. Then I fell off the wagon for 5 months. It happens with addictions. But now I’m back on and hope to stay here for good.

    I wish the best for those of you who are in my situation and want also to get off that hamster wheel.

  173. Anonymous

    To 282 your so right. Young women who sleep around with married men need to grow up. When you do finally grow up you will relise that you were no, yowere toying with people’s innocent lives (wife and kids involved) then when you get married and have children and relise how hard it is to build a life with someone you might finally understand how hurtful it would be if some obsessed young girl was throwing her body and no strings attached mentality at your husband.

  174. Anonymous

    “Maybe because I am older, I don’t have as much angst about this as you might feel in the same situation.”

    Light bulb moment! Thank you. I know I am older than you are and you just made me realize that I don’t want to continue to act like a twenty something whiner. Apologies to all the 20 somethings who may be reading this. You have a right to your growing pains. I don’t anymore. I’m way too old for this kind of crap. I think I just woke up and want off this hamster wheel. I got too excited by the thrill of the chase, the secret and the letting a guy make me feel so good for the moment. I’m back in reality!

  175. Anonymous

    To answer your question, I am also an OW who went back to the MM. With a 13 year gap in between with virtually NO contact in those 13 years. He would send an occasional “Hi” e-mail, which I ignored.

    You have to understand that you are his McDonald’s. The girlfriend is his gourmet meal, and she gets the gourmet guy….the spare time, the planned vacations….the involvement.

    I know your pain. The first time around, on our first lunch together, before we began anything, my MM said “I am never leaving my wife”. I said “Good.” I am single and I’d never had an affair before – I was 36. I wanted a discreet involvement. But over time, I got attached. At first, I noticed I’d feel sad a couple of weeks after seeing him, then a couple of days after seeing him, then a couple of hours after seeing him, then…I’d start crying before he made it to his car. Mental anguish began to set in. I had a night when my car broke down and I knew I could not call him…I called anyway and hung up when he answered. I had one crazy lady-astronaut night when he stood me up, and I knew his in-laws were visiting and they were having the family get-together, and I actually thought about throwing a brick through his house front window. I had to talk myself down….and it was hard! I called him…and again hung up when he answered. I have a few other stories, but the point is I knew I had entered the Unhealthy-Zone. That’s when I called it quits.

    When you start wanting “more” from the cheater, it is time to let go. You have to be right in your own head. The McDonald’s relationship should never be seen as a primary relationship. If it is your only emotional relationship, you have to understand it’s low nutritional value.
    In the 13-year break, I never found the gourmet guy either. And I don’t know anyone who has the “100% there” relationship that people keep telling us we should look for. This second time around, I initiated contact with MM. As a matter of fact, after a very unsatisfying evening out with a single guy, I made a decision to see if MM was still interested. It’s been a year so far for this second go-round. I keep a calendar and we are seeing each other about twice a month.

    I hope this helps you. An affair has to be an “expectation-free” zone. That does not mean you allow him to treat you like crap. He has to be good company. But he does not owe you a full relationship. Your anger at him is not warranted…at least…I don’t think it is.

    Instead of thinking “I’ve got to get so angry that I dump him”, I think you have to decide “This is not what I want and it will never be what I want”. No amount of anger from you will change him.

    For me, this is what I want I don’t like dating. I am happy with occasional fun visits and conversation. I do not pine when he is gone. I do get really excited when his e-mail pops up. I accept that I likely am not the only OW in his life…..can’t say I am eager to see him out with someone else, but I have no illusions about his appetites.

    He just came back from a family vacation, and I do feel a slight pulling away. I am sad, but that’s what can happen. Maybe because I am older, I don’t have as much angst about this as you might feel in the same situation.

    Also, a little game playing works with men like this. They still have a bit of the high-school mindset with them. They want to be wanted AND they want to be missed. You gotta recognize which game to play, and when.

    Right now, everything you are doing is pushing him away. Stop asking for more time. Break a date. If you feel hurt, then when he calls, be unexcited. Get yourself busy. No money? Rearrange your furniture. Clean behind things you haven’t moved in years. De-clutter. Start reading again. I renewed my interest in swimming and I think it helps. It’s better when you make the affair a small pocket of your life, not your whole life. Make yourself happy with the thought that there is a man you REALLY like with whom you have a good time ….a lot of married women can’t say that.

  176. Anonymous

    I forgot to add that I am wondering how long you have been eating at McDonalds and does it really not bother you at all? I thought it wasn’t bothering me for the first 2 months when we got back together. But after he managed to find the time in his “busy”, so he told me, schedule to take 2 road trips with her in a month without finding even a couple hours during the last week to be with me, I realized that the burger and fries wasn’t satisfying anymore.

  177. Anonymous

    You’re so right. I was eating at McDonalds for 4 years, quit for 2.5 during which time I never even visited a gourmet restaurant and then, since I wasn’t getting any gourmet meals, started going back to McDonalds again. No more junk food!

    The problem I seem to have now though is that I can’t seem to sustain the anger I feel I need to have in order to get my brain and heart back in working order so I can function properly. I keep remembering the good things he did for me and the knowledge that he does care for me, even if it isn’t as much as he cares for her and that makes me so sad, anxious and depressed. I guess I’m going through hamburger and fries withdrawal.

  178. Anonymous

    “Deserve” – such a deceiving word. When people say it, it sounds like they are being caring, but they are really being dismissive or judgemental. When a guy says “You deserve a better man” the translation is “I will not give you what you want so you’d better look elsewhere”.

    Who gets what they “deserve” – nobody! You get what you go after.

    When you say about yourself “I deserve better” – the translation is “You owe me because I’ve been accepting of nothing”.

    But you are wrong. The cheater owes you NOTHING.

    Affairs are like eating at McDonald’s. If you willingly eat at McDonald’s day after month after year, you can’t suddenly say that McDonald’s owes you a full 7-course meal with all the trimmings. You want that gourmet meal? Then find yourself a gourmet restaurant. You want that gourmet guy? Then find yourself that gourmet guy.

    I am an OW who is willingly eating at McDonald’s…for now …..It satisfies me. When it ceases to satisfy…regardless of who wants out first….. I will look for that better meal.

  179. Anonymous

    I’m trying to break off an affair with a man with a long time girlfriend. I broke it off before 2.5 years ago and went back to him a few months ago, thinking I could remain detached and unemotional this time around. I was lying to myself. He’s been so helpful this time around—got me through my 19 year old cat’s euthanasia and as a former accountant he handled a big tax problem for me–that I started falling for him again. I guess I had never stopped. I became blinded again by his “good” qualities. Why is it so hard to see that he is still a cheater and a liar? And that he won’t give me what I want and deserve to have? And why can’t I just leave him in the gutter when he doesn’t even try to make any excuses for not spending more time with me? All I got was a long pause on the phone tonight when I said I couldn’t accept the crumbs of a relationship anymore. And he just gets angry when I complain that he took 2 roadtrips in a month with her, spends every weekend at her house and all I get is a little late night sex and a Friday afternoon hike once every other month. Why can’t I get angry enough at that to just want to leave him in the dust? Where is my self respect?!! I’m too old for this. Can someone please help me see what an a**hole he is?

  180. Anonymous

    I am an OW who wants to remain a secret. Do not want to marry the man, don’t want to replace the wife. The man is a serial cheater and I do wonder what goes on in his head and why his wife allows it. Want to point out that being hurt by betrayal is not exclusive to married people; unmarried people also experience that pain. If you are going to be an “other”, I think you need to have your own life, not try to make the wayward spouse part of your life, other than the stolen moments of joy you two share. It takes very mature people to have an adult affair that hurts no one but themselves. You have to be able to say (and accept) goodbye at any time. And use a condom and birth control.

    I do not understand why everyone pushes marriage at those who are not married. Marriage terrifies me. To not be able to get away from someone…to be bound forever to one unpleasant person…no matter how nasty that person can be to you….I’ve been a witness to the games married folks play with each other…..no thanks! I’ve peeked behind the curtain of a few unions, and no thanks! Familiarity definitely breeds contempt….or deadly boredom.

    This affair, to me, is like having a secret friend with whom I can have fun sex. No judgement, no possessiveness…and no nastiness.

    Do I get sad…?..sometimes…because I want someone who can stay with me overnight, who cares about me overall.…but I am not sure I want to pay the “marriage price” just to have that person. I have always had one foot out the door in my relationships with single men – could always see why a marriage with so-and-so would not work. Yes, I idealize this married man – he does have it all. I thoroughly understand why many women want him….and I think that was a price his wife was willing to pay.

    She’s not doing so bad…..I mean, think of Hillary Clinton. Do you think marriage to Mr. Faithful home-every-night guy would float her boat as much as being married to a rogue like Bill Clinton? My MM is a good husband, good father, I think he loves his home life and wife. He just needs….more. And that does not bother me….I am “extra” and it does not bother me!

  181. Anonymous

    #271 “If you’re sharing a man, you’re only living half a life”. You are so rigth. I am a betrayed wife of a serial cheater. Unknowingly, I too have been living half a life (well 1/4 since at this time he has as far as I know 3 OWs on the side). How interesting that they are the only ones living their life at 150% leaving their BS and the OP crumbs of an existence…

  182. Anonymous

    To 267 been there done that. I know this won’t help you right now but all I can say Is in time you will not be in pain and you will relise that you are better off without him.dont rush into another relationship you will only repeat the same mistakes.

  183. Anonymous

    @272. Knowledge is power. Take advantage of it.

  184. Anonymous

    In this right now….never read the truth as i have just now..I am speechless..This is me you are talking about….Damn

  185. Anonymous

    I was the other woman for seven months. You can’t pick who you fall in love with. But I deserve more and I’ve read it and I’ve been told over and over that a man who can’t give you 100% isn’t worth it. I told him ages ago I didn’t share and I didn’t come second and it stopped for a few weeks but I couldn’t say no to him. They lie and they cheat and they manipulate.

    And its the stupidest thing, in one breath I say I love him, but in my head I know he’s not a nice person. Same as some of the comments above, it was a intellectual connection first – he’s educated, smart, witty, we had a *zing* that I had never felt with anyone before (I’m 41). And he was everything that I don’t normally look for – short, hairy and attached.

    If you’re sharing a man, you’re only living half a life. Like someone said back there, everything is perfect for him when he’s with you – short, stolen hours or days.

    There are a few change of tenses back there – I stopped it for the last time yesterday and I’m not sure if I’m talking in past tense anymore about him. I’m scared that I’m never going to feel the good stuff anymore.

  186. Anonymous

    @ 268 me here 267 I am discusted that women of all do this to there husbands. They should be nurturing their children and being loving to their husbands not worrying about there sexuality. There is so many people in this world and it’s so hard to find someone you find a connection with let alone try and be greedy and have more more more at others expense. I truley belive that cheaters will be cheated on and it just goes around in circles. They have no integrity, empathy or care for others and that bad energy will come back to them, ten fold!

  187. Anonymous

    @268 As a betrayed husband, I understand what you are saying. I have come to the conclusion that an affair is like a tapeworm. It is a relationship unlikely to survive on its own. The betraying spouse uses the marriage as an excuse not to give all the affair partner. The affair partner probably can’t give the betraying spouse everything they need. They use lots of excuses about how they can’t be together, until.. (the children go to college, etc.) The reality is they won’t be together, but their relationship suck a lot of life out of the marriage, one that may have not been the best, but could have had a chance if the energy that had been put into the affair been put into the marriage.

  188. Anonymous

    I was the betrayed wife and the other women in my husbands life contributed to destroying my life and everything I worked for. How do you women live with yourselves knowing you are breaking homes marriages and effecting innocent children for life. The selfishness is beyond me. The pain this other women and my husband have caused me for the sake of being with each other is incredible. I hope they both end up with misery and pain and guilt forever. It’s amazing how the other women can see her married man causing so much pain on there spouse and accept that behaviour. I hope one day karma will catch up with you all.

  189. Anonymous

    There is a common thread runing through all this. Affairs,lies, deceit hurts and destroys like nothing else. The sense of abandonment and self worthliness is beyond any words can explain. My partner of 10 yrs feels that the fact that we never married makes his affair almost acceptable/justified. The pain I feel is exactly as every other berayed person has expressed. My question is how do you overcome the pain, how do you carry on, how do you make sense of the betrayal ? I know that everyone says “time will heal” and you will meet someone else – but it is all hollow,empty, promises, when your pain is so deep. It would be so easy just to make it all go away – the temptation is always there. People say you et over it but i think you just learn to live with the disappointment. I would love to hear some success stories of how others survived and found joy again.

  190. Anonymous

    @261. If you want a single man, stop doing what you are doing, and start looking for a single man. It may not be quick, it may not be easy, but it will be right, and, in the long run, easiest for everyone, including you.

  191. Anonymous

    #264…261 here. You are right….It is an affair. I guess my thought is that I know it won’t go on forever – that it is senseless to tell his wife about it. I have no desire to take him away from her. And, you’re right, I do love him a bit – or I wouldn’t be sleeping with him. It’s so complicated and wrong…I know. Why am I doing it?? Not sure….but it feels right to be with him. I wish I had a single lover who made me feel the same……….I would happily give him up for that.

  192. Anonymous

    # 261, I don’t mean to blow your bubble but you ARE in a classic affair model: the man is married; he is having an affair with you; you have entered in this relationship knowing he was married; and you are still in it. Classic. End of story.

    You wrote some things that are quite interesting though and at times contradictory. You say you want nothing but affection, your work and great sex. But you love him and you are emotionally attached to him. Don’t fool yourself.

    So you are both in it with your eyes open. Wow. What about his wife? He knows, you know, she doesn’t. If both of you had the courage of your convictions, you would notify her and provide her with the ability to make choices for herself. So let her know and let her decide if she wants to be part of any this. At the least, she is entitled to be able to protect her health. Of course this is not without its own complications…

    You are friends with her? Aaaaaaaawwwwwwhhhh. Is this supposed to make you feel good about what you are doing to her? I thought you had no guilt over this?

    You have no intention of messing up her family? You have already did. You both did. Knowingly. With your eyes open.

  193. Anonymous

    258 I feel your hurt. I too got screwed over by one of these threats “other women”. When my husband confessed to me, I was so discusted with his beaviour expecially when the penny dropped and relised why he was acting like he was on acid for a month under my nose, that I kicked him out and moved on with my life much to his shocked. The other women and him now live with each other but for a whole year I was personally attacked by the pair of them. They did the most cruelest things to me in the name of there immature emotions and guilt and the other women acted like I was the one intruding in her! realationship. I think one day she will be very embarrassed about what she did to me. I was gobsmacked when she was coming to court cases that were about our child and other things that were non of her business !!!??? She was willing to lie and say all sorts of things to defend his honour. I felt like I was divorcing my husband and a complete stranger? and they were taking all my money off my sons education! Since when did I ever select her entry into mine and my sons life???

    Looking back though, I really wished that there was some sort of compensation that I could have got as well as they both cost me so much money in court fees and I really didn t deserve to be drug through that hell, I really felt they dragged me in there emotional storm and none of it was my fault. I mean if you marry someone it should be a contract and if you stray or form “Another”Relationship under your wives nose, I really do feel that the law should compensate the innocent party more than the betrayer, and also to the intruder deliberatley threatening the family unit and marriage. The other women has no place to inject herself in a marriage she is not part off and feel she can reep in the profits of the divorce, I bet if the same thing was happening to her marriage or relationship she wouldn’t like it either. A lot of people on this post are very hell bent on beliving that the wife was to blame for troubles but this does not wash with me. it’s very typical of the other women to say this. My ex husbands other women would say this all the time. She’s so stupid cause all she was doing was making him think that he deserves to cheat, so really she was teaching him how to treat her. I am sure she wouldn’t feel the same way if he was cheating on her though. Double standards.

    To the other women out there, look I get it. You have issues and you obviously don’t resepect other peoples relationships and marriages and in a way, you don’t know what a healthy relationship is. You won’t get anything healthy sitting in the shadows of other womens marriages and wanting there husbands. I mean seriously, the guy is married, leave him alone and his family and stop threatening it. Like I said, you wouldn’t like a complete stranger trying to inject herself into your life without your concent so don’t do it to others. The guys who cheat are pricks but its not fair on the poor wife who is being betrayed by the pair of you. You are a stranger to her prepared to take away everything thats important to her. Again, reverse the role…

    I felt VERY backstabbed by both parties. My other women knew I exsisted and our son and she just pretended we didn’t. So rude, selfish something she will have to live with now. My son will have no respect for her. I aint going out of my way to talk her up.

    Also one more word of warning. When you have been betrayed, your emotions go haywire. I was tempted so many times to take him back, make sure he got rid of her so she would end up “Loosing” and then dumping him and leaving him alone too. Not all wifes happily want to let there husbands go so easily so expect backlash if he leaves or doesn’t leave. You will always have his ex in your life some way and taking a husband away and breaking up her family and taking everything you can get out of her will not be forgotten easily. Even when the wounds heel and time passes. A scorned wife will not wish you well. Bitter? Why the hell wouldn’t I be?…..Still to this day, I blame my husband for all of it. It was just unfortunate she was such a bad charactor but then again, what sort of person goes off with married men who cheat anyway. Hardly christian like really, from both parties. I don’t know why people get married anymore. Seems it doesn’t mean a hell of a lot to anyone. Also, 258 only immature little boys want much younger naive girls so they can manipulate them easier. The sort of guys you want to stay away from anyway. TRUST ME! LOL

  194. Anonymous

    I’m with 258. Seriously….I’m the betrayed wife and I was such a good wife. He was the one who needed to lift his socks up. The rubbish these girls belive is embarrassing. A lot of people think men cheat cause there wives are bitches. Before it happened to me I use to be naive and think the same way. In a way I don’t blame the men for cheating. Women have just made it all way to easy for them. No one use to look at my ex before he married me. It’s almost like women desire taken/married men. I just wish they would change the law so tHe other women and cheater would have to pay the consequences. I got screwed over financially, left with a child, and watched the other women drive my old car and enjoy the profits of everything I worked for throughout my entire adult life for. So unfair. Also I can’t find a decent guy cause most men want younger women.. Lol I’m screwed…

  195. Anonymous

    Well, how’s this for a situation…I never thought in a million years that I would have aaffair. I’m single and moved to a new town for a job..so to set thigs up, I’m sort of lonely – making my way to start a new life. One of my colleagues, who is 16 years younger (he’s 43, I’m 59) was flirting with me like crazy for close to a year. We were at a meeting out of town and he tried to seduce me. Anyway…now it’s 5 months and we’re getting together about once a week. We are together every day at work – working very closely- thinking up all sorts of reasons to meet and discuss things. Going for coffee… We are amazing together – intellectually, emotionally and sexually. I’m friends with his wife. He knows I’m looking to meet someone else. I don’t want anything but affection, our work, and great sex. I don’t want to mess up his family and he has no intention of ever leaving. So, we’re both in this with our eyes open. I love him – love who he is, how he is but know what the situation is. I guess I should feel really guilty, but I don’t…the only hard part is hiding the relationship. I know it won’t go on forever. But we’re both getting something we need for now. I’m sure whenever we stop having sex, we’ll continue to be lifelong friends. I don’t mean to defend our affair so much as to illustrate that there are situations other than the classic model.

  196. Anonymous

    @258 Of course they are soul mates and are made for each other. They are both so broken they believe what they are doing is right. They probably use the line that “the opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference”. Yet, in reality, most indifference is hard-heartedness. Of course, this explains why most affairs fail, and fail badly. Everyone thinks the grass is greener, but they are just weeds. Weeds the affair partners bring just because they are human, for all relationships have some kind of weeds. But the affair creates toxic weeds itself. Like you say, how can they trust each other. I believe the phrase is “left them like they found them”. And my guess is the affair partners aren’t all that good at dealing with weeds, or they wouldn’t cop out with an affair. Let’s face it: affairs are one of the ultimate ways to avoid problems.

  197. Anonymous

    @258 as a man whose wife is having an affair, I understand completely. It is amazing the things I have heard her say. I find it amusing she is uncomfortable having me around at times. I don’t have as much inside information as you, but what I do have is somewhat partially true, and a bunch of it I don’t remember happening that way.

  198. Anonymous

    I need to ask some question to any “other woman” out there who would have the courage to respond honnestly: how can you believe the man you are having an affair with?

    I read so many stories (including within all the emails/texts/chats that my cheating husband wrote to his MULTIPLE mistresses) and these men seem to have gone to the same school…they say all the same things…my husband said so many lies about me to all these women and they believe him to the point where one of them criticized me for…abandonning him and our children for my career (mmm this one was a surprise to me because I thought I was waking up every morning sending every one to school fed, going to work all day, coming back and cooking dinner every evening for the whole family, sleeping in the same bed as him every night…I must have been living in an alternate reality…for 9 years)

    How can you be so sure what your wonderful married man is telling you is the thruth? Have you ever thought that maybe he was lying to you (too)? That he was using you for his own edification? How can you believe him when he says he is not having sex with his wife? That his life is miserable? That he is not understood? That the dog does not love him anymore? That he loves you and not “her”? That you are his soul mate? The love of his life?

    In my own story, only one of the 3 “current” OWs knows of my existence; they certainly do not know about each other (but I do); they certainly do not know he is still hunting (but I do); one thinks he is divorced (and abandonned); one tkinks he is separated (and miserable); the other one is the ex-girlfriend who has her cake (the man) and eats it too (without the commitment). He sends them pictures fo him that I take (with clothes on do not worry). He lies to ALL of them. He plays ALL of them. He tells different stories to all of them. This is a real circus. And if they were to write on this forum, they would probably write the same things that I read earlier: he is so lonely, he is in a loveless marriage, his wife does not like sex, she is a monster, she left him with the children, she is a controlling bitch, whatever the lie-du-jour is.

    The thruth is your married man makes his wife miserable; if he is in a loveless marriage it is because HE does not bring love anymore to the table; if his wife does not like sex, it is because she knows he sleeps with other women without protection (darn, should I warn them?); if his wife is a monster it is because she is exhausted and he could not care less because he is too busy entertaining all his mistresses; if his wife left him it is because…hugh wait a minute, I am still here, pass; if his wife is controlling it is because he simply suffers from paranoia brought by the fact that he his living quaruple lives and he may be a bit over is head sometimes juggling all these demanding women and, oh dear, a wife; as for the lie-du-jour, well today he is going to bring them all (separately) on a vacation in the Maldives. The thing is, it is the same resort, same date. I may come along.

    So many lies. Please enlighten me. Do you REALLY believe him?

  199. Anonymous

    @ #256

    Muster up all the strength you can (if you have not already done so) and walk away…no RUN away as fast as you can!! The emotions felt in these ‘relationships’ can become overwhelming very quickly and will hit you like a freight train if you’re not careful!!

    Trust me, I have been going through the same kind of thing now for 4 or 5 months, physical contact stopped 6 weeks ago but I’m now trying my very best to get him to have no contact at all, at least for a while, to try and get myself some head space. It’s fine for him, his life is as it was (and always was) if you think about it, every time he left me, he obviously plastered on the HOME persona so nothing has changed in his life. Mine however was dangerously spiralling out of control for a while there, I thought I was losing my mind, literally.

    So my advice, please get yourself out of it while you still can, don’t look back and don’t ever go there again!

  200. Anonymous

    Hi, I have willingly entered into a relationaship with a married man, he persued me many times before i gave in. I am not looking to split him from his wife but I keep falling into the trap of trying to see him and giving into him when he wants to see me. He lives very near so its hard not to bump into him. Its really just a sex thing but sometimes its more than that. I want to kick this habit but dont know how.

  201. Anonymous

    #254…
    The writing is on the wall…!! He isn’t going to change and don’t let him manipulate you. That’s what he is doing.

  202. Anonymous

    Hi im the wife my husband has hurt me repeatedly when I was miscarrying our child and almost died he was with another woman she had his phone thats what made me lose my first child I forgave him later,but true to a cheater the next year I was pregnant again on the same day of the previous year I miscarried again from his actions I am still with him an he hasnt changed what should I do

  203. Anonymous

    #252,

    Thank you, your feedback is greatly appreciated and i honestly feel better after reading this.

    The last thing I want to do is to hurt his family, and myself – anymore then his and mime actions already have.

  204. Anonymous

    #251….
    Just drop this looser and get on with your life. You are way too young to get involved with a 40 year old cheating rat bastard. He will lie to you and he is playing you like a violin….and probably laughing about it with the boys. You are probably a beautiful young woman with a lot to offer the right AVAILABLE man. Do YOURSELF a favor and don’t let this continue. It will only destroy you in the end. You will begin to have expectations and you will be hurt and disappointed more times than you will be able to count. He is just looking for fun and he doesn’t love you. Sorry to be so harsh, but that is the ugly reality.

    Take care and I hope you get out of this before you REALLY get hurt..or worse…you are a party to something that destroys a family. Trust me, his wife already knows something is going on and she WILL find out. Unless you are ready to fight a wife and mother for her family, you better just cut it off. Trust me…It WILL get nasty…!!! You can lie to yourself all you want and try to convince yourself that she will never know, but she will! He will tell you EXACTLY what you want to hear and you will believe every rotten word that comes out of his lying mouth. Don’t sell yourself short. His family deserves better and so do you. Remember this….”If he will do it with you, he will do it to you!”

  205. Anonymous

    I am 21years old and have been seeing a married man for
    9months now. He is 41. We met out in a club when he was down for business, I wasn’t aware he was married had children or even As old as He first said he was. The moment I spotted him i had to speak to him.. We started chatting and getting
    To know each other. We ended up spending the night together, he left in the morning for work and I left soon after. He text me that night, we have
    Spoke almost everyday since. He is interstate for work alot so I fly into see him or we meet In hotels here.
    I don’t trust him 100% and I’m always doubting what he tells me, which is normal I guess. We speak only when he’s at work or away from the family, and only on his work phone. I don’t know his wires or children names, which is how he wants it. I don’t expect him to leave his wife for me, and In a way don’t want him top. I love him so much that when we try to end it it doesn’t last, but I know it has to end, in a way the sooner the better. But how?
    He’s wife saw a message from me not long ago, and he lied his way out of it.
    Does anyone have any advice to give me or of they have had to walk away and how they got thru it? When I try I feel like my heart is tearing in two. I have been in two long term serious relationships and never felt the pain I feel when I think I have lost him. I feel like he’s apart of my world and I’m apart of his lie. I’ve never asked him why he does it, or if he wants to be with her.

    Some feedback would be greatly appreciated.

  206. Anonymous

    Update on #239
    We didn’t end completely around the time of my last post – still lots of texting, some phone calls etc. The FB contact certainly dwindled but some contact on there too. He took me out for my birthday lunch for ‘closure’ but of course that didn’t happen because deep down, neither of us wanted to end. Still madly texting, still seeing eachother when we could but I was finding it increasingly hard to control my jealousy…jealous of the life he had when he left and I was alone, feeling heartsick if he let me down etc. etc. He found it increasingly difficult to endure my mood swings (and I honestly believe they were so intense because of the abnormal ‘relationship’ we found ourselves in). Bottom line is, he will never leave the life he’s enjoyed for 20 yrs..he will admit they have a volatile relationship but he couldn’t give that up for 8 weeks or so, which I understand so we had to end it. That was last Friday..I was a basket case all weekend..he was texting all weekend and called me a few times on Saturday. I saw him for the first time in work today (which I had been dreading) and asked him to stop texting, it was not fair on me, he agreed. Today was terrible and it’s feeling very painful at the moment. I know it had to be done but I have to mourn the ‘relationship’ in secret. I miss him already, yet know it’s best all round if we’re not in contact. Maybe it’s because I’m missing the 50+ texts per day, the constant attention. I really hope I can get over this and move on soon, the hardest thing is being in close proximity in work and knowing any future (short term) plans we had made are now never going to happen. I haven’t felt so comfortable around someone in years and it pains me now that I can’t even have a friendship with him, yet, as it will be too painful…..it hurts so bad but one lesson I have learned…never again will I be stupid enough to get involved with a MM.

  207. Anonymous

    I would like to say thank you to be able to have a safe place to speak so freely with reservation.

    I am number 247 and have just learned that my affair man has been seeing other(s). I am so glad that things are coming into perspective.

    My heart aches for both myself and his wife…..

    To be so self centered and to have such a sexual addiction is very sad for him…..and fear based and the degree of narcasitic behavior…. he will learn….

    At age 55, two grandchildren , two great children and too run the stores as he does and to have started a business nine years is admirable…. the other pieces are not….. it is all about him and no respect for my feelings nor his wife’s…..

    To all of your other woman … grow from this and call your therapist… I did… and I will cry some more and then laugh and know for the past year and a half…. I had fun and I enjoyed myself and I learned more about me than ever…..

    I thank him for coming into my life and the great teacher he was…. and now can be a great friend… In todays’ world one does not burn a bridge….. you build a bridge!!!!

  208. Anonymous

    AS sad as I feel as sick I have made myself over the ending of the relationship, it is a good thing….
    One of his co-workers saw us together at the stores and commented you too are in love… this was many months ago..
    While being there three weeks, I was told by Mister I should look for a house for “us”… so I mentioned it to my friend..not knowing the area. I asked for her assistance…

    She mentioned to him and he called me to tell me NO One knew about us… what had I done and he wnet on vacation and came back this past week , refusing my calls no communication… I mentioned it to my friend .. and she oh my. I confronted him and said how pleased I was to ” help ” me… NOW I know I broke his rules of Do not tell anyone and his being parnoid is out and flying and being as a afraid of himself and his reputation.. He walked without so much as thank you or goodbye…

    I have megga meetings this month with him and he is cancelled my meetings… He cannot face me and one more thing…. I heard from some else.. he asked her to go for a ride on his Harley… This man is 55 and will continue on this path of game playing…. Here is the email I wanted share…

    I’m so sorry 🙁 My heart aches for you. He’s a jackass! He’s a coward and he denied you… and he does not know what he will be loosing in you and with you….

    Honesty is not one of his strong points, he showed that for sure… I am glad you were not upset with me and I am sad you will not be up here…. to live…It not ever went anywhere with me and I glad to have the friendship we share….

    I remember the day in December when I saw the both of you and I knew and I said to you ” on my gosh you are both in love with each other” and you kept beaming and said ‘yes”.. and I sat you down and said be careful..and I loved seeing your happiness…

    If it is any comfort ” mother” is not you and not at all like you and I am sure she doesn’t have your charm, wit,grace and qualities and patience and understanding…. and does not have any looks at all… you are gorgeous….nor your talents’ ….

    Time will heal and the reason this all happened will be revealed to you when the time is right. You will grow from this and be happy again. Hopefully together…..

    You have a huge heart, a great smile, are by far one of the most real people I know, grow your garden, take care of yourself and know it is his loss and he is still a jackass!. And he will find his way back and you will be there… anywhere…. he is running and running and missed “the boat” completely…

    It is the family as you say, and they are adults.. and that is all he knows and he cannot move outside “the box” and you know him better than he knows himself…. and he is afraid of “mother” and perception means nothing… only too him and he still is a jackass!!!!

    Try to find a way to stop throwing up and get some sleep… enjoy the weekend…

    See you soon and we will go out and have lots of wine!!!!

    So to all you other women … Complete yourself with your self… and know that..

    It is our life and he gave wonderful memeories and I can smile and the pain will pass. Would I take back…. I do not thing so..

    I am taking me back!!!!

  209. Anonymous

    #235 – seriously? You are looking for sympathy?
    I’m the betrayed wife. We had a good marriage. I truly believe that. We were even actively trying to make baby #2. When the rug was swept out from under me. Three years, a divorce, one neglected little boy by his dad and financial ruin for a lifetime I am sitting here typing this. TOW will get no sympathy from me. As a matter of fact, I hope she rots in a deep dark hell for all the pain she has caused. She was a coworker and knew my husband was married. She could have had some self-esteem and walked away. Her happiness came at other people’s expense. Karma will come back.

  210. Anonymous

    I have been the other woman now for over 1.5 years..We are both mature adults middle aged. He 33 years married and comfortable, myself divorced and very happy with my life and secure financally. He pursued me… I avoided the advances and when I had business meetings at his office I kept them cordial and left. I travel… I crossed the line with him and one would think, I knew the difference.. It was not until five months into the relationship did I learn he was married… and he shared he had other affairs, red flag.. one I chose not to see and that he had once planned on leaving his wife fiften years previously..
    Today he is afraid of perception of others and know one knows about us.. wrong answer to every- one, I do not live in the secretworld… he does to protect himself… yes, he is selfish and many other things… I have seen all sides of him and I fell in love with the person not the “meaning”… we lead separate lives in separate states. He will tell me does not want to “ruffle” the nest and loose his adult children. Did I tell you his wife knows all about his other affairs and he is still there and on a short dog collar…. And he next time a man asks you to ride on his Harley, and you are stil waiting, say now or never….I have no regrets and enjoyed every moment with him and will until .. I say No more… life is too short be happy and have fun… it his guilt not mine….and it his lies to himself not to me… and it is fear not mine, and his life with his wife and family.. It is all his to have ownership and do I think he will leave her, No… he will find another after I leave and the pattern for him will continue and his wife.. will always be his wife and he will be on the “leash” always… running scared of himself and no one else..

  211. Anonymous

    I’ve been seeing a guy with a girlfriend for a while now. It’s hard since most of the time I don’t feel like the other woman – his girlfriend lives on the other side of the world, so we’re able to spend as much time together as we like and he certainly treats me like a girlfriend rather than just a booty call. But then she’ll call him late at night when he’s round mine and it all suddenly seems very real. It’s very confusing – one side of my brain keeps insisting that it’s him who’s cheating and it’s therefore his problem, but there’s still a very big part of me that feels awful about this whole situation. I think we’ll probably end it in a few weeks when he graduates (we go to university together), which I just hate the thought of since we have such a strong connection… it’s probably for the best, but it hurts.

  212. Anonymous

    I betrayed my wonderful husband. We were together for 7 years; married for almost 4.We have a beautiful son toghether; we had a great relationship, we were a beautiful family.Those have been the best years of being in a relationship for me.I throw it all away in an instance of infidelity and I know there is no way for me to get it back. If there is any regret in life, this is it. I regret not being strong enough to fight off temptation.
    This is a second time that I have done something “immoral” while being in a committed relationship. Sometimes I wonder if there is faulty wiring in my brain that makes me do such things. Anyway, I’m not trying nor going to make excuses for the atrocities I’ve commited against my husband and my family. The scars I have inflicted on my husband is permanent and irreversible and even though I would love for him and I to reconcile, it will not be logical.
    My advice to married adulterers and married adulteress, don’t do it! It is not worth it, not by a long shot! In the end you loose everything you work so hard for and everyone gets hurt. I will live with this for the rest of my life and since it is apparently hard for me to stay faithful in a committed relationship, I will be faithful to staying out of a committed relationships(marriages). I don’t want to experience this no more.

  213. Anonymous

    There is a married man 10 years or so my junior and we definately have a connection.
    I have no plans to take it any further, and appreciate the fact that there is a mutual attraction.
    I find this flattering and amicable, but do not want to be a home-wrecker or have my relationship altered with my own spouse.
    I like the attention and feel that he does to, as a change from usual business of yooung family life.
    I hope that it gives him the energy that it gives me, and makes him feel good to, and that’s all.
    There are many qualities here that I really appreciate in him, and they seem to make him the man of my dreams, but I accept it as a dream
    Dreams are not bad, but should be recognized for what they are.
    I hope that he dreams of me and the qualities that he appreciates in me.
    It helps to know what qualities I can get my husband to work on to match these, as I have come to realize how exhilirating they are. They bring a newness, and welcome experience.
    I want to feel that way in the relationship and reality that I already have.
    I am learning what matters to me at this stage of my life, and its not a reason to end the relationship that I have, but apply these discoveries to it.
    I can say that I love this OM in certain ways, and it can be very true.
    I love certain things about him, that he may not necessarily display at home.
    He could very well be acting additionally charming, thoughtful, sweet, chivilrous,touchy, appreciative, complimenting, and flirty because it makes him feel good to be seeking attention and getting it.
    The mind game is good, if the boundaries are maintained.
    Distance helps. There is no constant contact, and little ability to increase periodic engagement.
    Visibility is comfortably limited to a couple of times of month through mutual activiies in public settings.
    This makes it easier to have the detached dream, and remote interplay.
    I plan to keep it this way.
    I want to maintain respect, honor, appreciation, attraction, distant affection, and boundaries.

  214. Anonymous

    I’m 27, just got out of a four year relationship, and was forcing myself to move on. I quit drining two years ago and it has really exiled me from meeting others, the “bar scene” isnt working. I go to school and workand I’m lonely.I was serving a table of business men at work, and there was one man that caught my attention, he touched my braclet and normally it would turn me off, but i felt an attraction. He came in again and I was happy to see him, he stared at me the whole night and it felt good. He left with his coworkers and then called the restaurant and asked for my number.. He told me he was 31 and feed me lines. Here on business form Houston, and thinkig of moving out here. I wasnt interested in him at first, there was something off, but when we became intimate, my feelings changed. He seemed perfect, but would have to fly home to Houston, for various reasons, selling a house, birthday,etc. I’m pretty busy wih school and work and i had my suspitions. Well, the wife called me. Married with two kids, 44 years old. All lies. His wife is leaving him, and all my friends have been there for me. But i still am seeing him. He say’s he loves me and blah blah. I feel horrible, to do this to his wife after i know. I’ve just broke it off with him. But I’m a mess.

  215. Anonymous

    I am a OW who knows my MM loves his wife, has sex with his wife, and will never leave his wife. Not because I feel it, but because he said so. I think most MM who cheat are in this boat, and they lie to OW who make it clear that they want to be lied to. Most MM are not going to give up the security of the homestead…so stop lying to yourselves OW.
    I am curious why my MM cheats…and I believe it is because he needs ADORATION. My parents divorced when I was an adult and I recall never feeling that either of them got any joy out of the marriage to each other. There are moments of parenting joy, but few man-woman joy moments I can remember. Mom always seemed angry, Dad seemed to withdraw and just try to do what Mom wanted. I saw marriage as a very lonely emotional voyage that I did not want to take. I never wanted to be married. I remember my Mom telling me (after the divorce) how she’d cry after having sex with my Father. I overheard my MM say its “lonely” at home. I also heard him say that marriage is for rearing children, and he always wanted children. He mentions thinking of me when he shouldn’t be. He says I have improved his marriage.
    I think my trysts with MM are pockets of fantasy where giddy love and romance and almost unconditional acceptance thrive. Our visits are short and sporadic, which helps maintain the illusion. It is a problem-free fun-filled zone. And that is why it is so addictive. Not at all like a marriage. Which is why marriage to the OW will fail if either partner thinks it’s going to remain idyllic.
    I feel like MM would lose interest in cheating if his wife openly and genuinely adored him. Why she doesn’t …I do not know. It appears to me that spouses become martyrs for their children and resentful toward the other partner. Being a lover is deemed unimportant, a childish wish, and is pushed to a back burner.

  216. Anonymous

    Life sometimes does suck…I had my husband’s married bf… profess his love for me 7 years ago during my time of separation. I needed a genuine friend and I had always adored this man and was melted by his words…. I now now hurt every day for seven years by responding to him…I continue to painfully share him…..

  217. Anonymous

    I am so glad I came across this site – I have found it so helpful reading about other people’s experiences even though I still feel like my heart is lying in the pit of my stomach right now. My affair with MM was only physical for about 4 weeks. We have worked together for a few years though I would not see him on a daily basis. Over the years we became friends in work and would chat whenever he was in, largely about work stuff and sometimes music but he would also talk about his wife and son. He has had my mobile number for quite some time but would only have sent jokes etc that were going around. Sometimes in the office he would joke that we needed to have a night of passion which I always laughed off as being ridiculous! Then he joined facebook and things slowly started to change. We began having instant chats and I’m not sure if it was because he could look at my page and get to know me outside of work whether this was the catalyst but initially our chats were quite innocuous, maybe mild flirting or banter on his part, which I would always rebuke with a comment about his wife or telling him not to be ridiculous. I have to admit, I was flattered with the attention but truly never believed anything would happen. He was very complimentary and through these chats I really felt I’d gotten to know him better on a personal level (and him me), I really liked him as a friend and he assured me he’d never cheated in 20 years and I believe him. For 6 weeks this continued along with increasing text messages, again banter where he was insisting we would be together and my reponse was always one of resistance (there must be thousands of exchanges) but the change came with one message and him telling me he missed me so much it hurt. I told him not to be ridiculous and go do something with his wife, he then started admitting he was thinking of me constantly, could not lift his phone without having to text me etc. By this stage I knew I was emotionally involved as well. We had to attend a work do some 5 weeks ago and he had a hotel room (lives 60 miles away) and this is where the physical side of things happened, we kissed through the evening and ended up at his hotel. I wasn’t proud the next day and really expected it to just be a one off but now he was telling me he loved me numerous times a day, flat out texting and phone calls whenever he got the chance. We have spent lunches together, a few evenings and days and of course saw one another the odd time in work. Last Tuesday evening he didn’t log out of his FB account and his son (17) saw and copied our last few messages, which weren’t sexual in nature but may have hinted we were more than friends, and then his wife saw and went mad. He denied all of course and explained the messages away, text me saying she was going to call me the following day, she didn’t believe him etc. This has obviously made contact difficult though he still has been texting lots, still phoning when he can but on the advice of a friend I called it off on Friday, what is the point in conducting an affair with someone who can’t get out of the house? He said it wasn’t what he wanted but conceded he would be watched like a hawk for the foreseeable future. I said some hurtful things on Saturday morning via text about him using me and being narcissistic (PMT) because I was hurting, he was hurt too, we have spoken several times and still texting, he has said he still loves me but thinks I’ve made the right decision and we should call it a day because he’s emotionally exhausted and things are still very tense at home. He now is suggesting no contact until we see what happens? I still have to see him in work! Albeit not very much at this time of year thankfully but I feel we deserve to say goodbye properly having invested so much of my emotions in him. He said we’ll talk in work through the week, I’m afraid in case I get too emotional and can’t cope with the rest of the day. I’ve suggested my house which he has said no to because ‘we know where that will lead’ – I just feel I need to be close to him once more…am I mad? Any advice on how to get over this would be much appreciated – I’m so sorry this post has been so long – I don’t have many people I can talk to about this so thanks to anyone who bothers reading!

  218. Anonymous

    @237. Wise thoughts, yet all of us, no matter what side of the story we are on (I am a betrayed husband) know how our emotions run ahead of our thoughts. You seem to realize that this won’t end well if it keeps going, so at least you have that to start with. The fact you are here shows you want to get off this path, so even though I am on the other side, so to speak, I will wish you the best on all of this.

  219. Anonymous

    To 114/129/165/205: What are we doing??? #114 – you don’t seem to need help, your emotions have not run away with you…..
    yet…and maybe they won’t. I could have written #129. I am an emotional basketcase and don’t know how to proceed. Counseling?
    About what? I was seeing a single guy AND my MM ( took all sex precautions so don’t preach). I dumped the single guy 2 months
    ago because he made me feel way more lonely than MM does! I THINK I want a boyfriend, but I am not sure I want that daily thing. I
    am happy with MM, but I dread the day he disappears for good…and he will. I want a connection. I wear a ring set that looks like a
    wedding/engagement set and I find myself wearing it, looking at my hand, and wishing a man I liked as much as MM had wanted to
    give me these rings. Recently I find I am acutely aware of men using the “wife” term…… Men seem very proud of having wives. I have
    no desire to upset anything in MM’s life. Do not think he loves me….it is about fun times and satisfying sex. But I have been crying a
    lot. The more I see him the more I cry. The way these web sites vilify the OW…..my goodness…they are no help. Why am I so
    emotional? I have dated, met several single guys, never wanted to be permanent with any of them. This MM pursued me, I avoided it
    for a year, finally gave in…and find I like him very much. IF I could clone him, I would. I saw myself in two of the points above – the
    “looking beautiful/house orderly” and “wondering why he cheats”. I imagine his wife loving him as much as I do…even more because of
    their years of shared togetherness…and finding out he’s cheating….how that must hurt. What the H is going on in a home that this
    could happen? He is a serial cheater….he is also a good father…involved in the community…. I am not a part of their social set and do
    not want to be. He invited me to his house once for his wife’s birthday party…I told him there was something wrong with him! Seems
    like a lot of anger in his marriage. Seems like he craves the attention I give. My parents divorced when I was in my twenties, very soon
    after I (the last child) went out on my own. I found out that others thought they were the perfect couple…..funny…I always thought they were a poor match. So you never know what is going on unless you are in it. I am a ball of emotional confusion.

  220. Anonymous

    First, God will listen.

    Second, please check out a site called “baggagereclaim.uk”, I think. Your story sounds like many of them on there.

    As a man whose wife is having an affair, I am not sure how much sympathy I can give you. Just hope you can realize that this was the wrong path for all involved, and that maybe at least you realize that, and can work on getting on the right path

  221. Anonymous

    He pursued me. We worked together. The chemistry was unbelievable. I sincerely fought it, questioned his intentions with what appeared to be (and was!)his pursuit of me. Why are you doing this? Why aren’t you asking your wife to go sailing with you? to go skiing with you? to go hiking with you? Why are you changing your plans to travel here frequently and staying longer to spend time with me? I was confused. I honestly didn’t believe that someone as perfect as he seemed would be attracted to me. But he was – he explained life at home, a love-less marriage – for many years – just a matter of time until the children were out of the house – she was never ‘the one’ for him – found themselves pregnant and got married – but he never felt she was ‘the one’. He wore me down, I was unbelievably flattered by the attention that this successful, gorgeous, funny, exciting man was pouring on me. It was an irresistible drug to someone with low self-esteem to know that someone like him really wanted to be with me, thought I was beautiful, missed me when we were apart, wanted me physically….. I believed him and fell deeply deeply deeply in love. That was 5 years ago. Many changes within those 5 years for us, but I continued to pour myself into him and his life, being available to him at a moments notice, being the ‘perfect’ partner to him – emotionally, physically, financially – there was nothing I wouldn’t do for him – I wanted him to recognize that he ‘couldn’t live without me’. During these 5 years, we had our ups and downs but never could seem to break it off even though we knew we ‘should’. I even saw emails to his wife, to his ex-girlfriends, to his prior ‘affair’ (who he still talks to weekly) – but even with all that I thought I was ‘different’ somehow. I mean, if I wasn’t ‘the one’ why would he even give me the time of day – he put just enough into the relationship to keep me interested – I came to expect so little from him and when even a crumb was dropped for me – a phone call here, a txt message there – the once a month ‘ i love you’ , I treasured that so completely – living off the crumb for days telling myself that he really did love me and that life was ‘just tough’ right now and he was confused, but soon he would recognize that I was the love of his life and he couldn’t live with out me. Last week, his wife found out about us – she read his email – ok.. not the way I would have wanted it to happen, but maybe, this will finally force action – he couldn’t bring himself to get off the fence one way or the other before – this will give he the opportunity to finally tell her how he feels about ME. All the kids are now out of the house – at jobs or in college, they have ,afterall, had a loveless marriage, and if truly “haven’t had a physical relationship in over 5 years”, I mean, how much of a surprise can it be that he was in love with someone else? It will be a tough conversation but a needed one for all concerned to be ‘happier’. That was a week ago. He called to tell me that ‘this is goodbye’ and we can’t have a relationship b/c “his kids would never accept me”. I’ve tried to contact him. “Can you please call me? I can’t do this any more”. His response? “No, I’m Sorry, I can’t”. No remorse, no feelings, no compassion – he started this, he took everything I had to offer, and now that I am suffering as much as everyone else that’s part of this mess he has no time for me. As I look at it now it’s been the textbook – classic affair. He is a playboy that has always had affairs, has affairs when he’s having an affair, he’s a compulsive liar and a narcissist. He fed my need to feel wanted and loved and attractive but in reality my self-esteem has been totally crushed by this immoral behavior, holidays and weekends spent alone, forgotten friends so as to be ‘available’ to him at any time, – what started as something that made me feel on top of the world has left me now wanting to end my life just to stop this pain and shame. I was in love with a dream, I was in love with a fantasy, days are nightmares and nights are the only relief to be had and that only after exhaustion from not sleeping for days. I am unable to focus on work, unmotivated to ‘do’ anything. I don’t want to speak to anyone face to face about this. I don’t know what to do. I pray to God for relief but I don’t think He’s listening. Why would he listen to the prayers of someone that has disobeyed his laws for so long? I just want this pain to be over.

  222. Anonymous

    @233. Amen to that.

  223. Anonymous

    @232 Yes, I think that many MM probably tell the OW they are breaking it off because of their children. The MM has truly been behaving spinelessly. They continue behaving like that when they break up with the OW. Its likely that they have told the OW that they don’t love/ or sleep with their wife anymore, probably many times. So instead of explaining their lies, they think its easier to say they don’t want to hurt the innocent kids. Its something the OW can’t really argue, its an easy way out for the man.
    Its a real shame that so many people are willing to cause someone else so much pain.

  224. Anonymous

    @231: Good point. I think both sides tend to look at things in a fantasy world. I suspect the MW/MM trashed the other spouse to much the OW/OM can’t believe they would go back. But the MM/MW was only telling part of one-half of the story, the part about how their spouse wasn’t…(fill in the blank), the part of the story that would make the OW/OM feel sorry for them, etc. When the MM/MW realizes they were only looking at part of the picture, things change.

    Plus, I suspect that if many MM/MW having affairs don’t really want to leave, they like having the triangle, and saying they only are staying for the kids is an easy line for them to use, and an easy one for the OM/OW to buy.

    Yet, the reality is that most MM/MW won’t end up with the OW/OM, even if they get a divorce. Why would you try to build a relationship with someone willing to have an affair with a MM/MW?

  225. Anonymous

    I read a lot of the comments and everyone I read, when the MM ended the affair- the OW claims that he ended it because of the kids, his comfort, etc. But I didn’t see 1 comment where the OW conceded that the MM loved his Wife. If these men ended their affair with you, and confessed or got caught by their wives, you can bet these men are groveling their true love for their wife, and claiming you were a mistake. And you know what? Most of them are telling the truth.
    You excuse yourselves from wrongdoing by saying that life is complicated, things aren’t black and white, etc and thats how I fell in love with this MM. So why is it so hard for you to believe that, because life is complicated, this MM loves his wife? That he was lost, messed up, reckless and bored, thats where you came in? That he realized it wasn’t you he loved, but his Wife all along?

  226. Anonymous

    Many of these comments have advice from people replying to the OW/OM who posted a comment. Most of this advice says something like – “besides, you will feel terrible if you’re the cause of his marriage breaking up and his family being broken.”
    I have to point out that these OW/OM are not empathetic to the spouse or their children. No, they actually won’t feel terrible. They want the lover to ditch his wife and children for them. These people are selfish to an abnormal degree. Its all about them. Its difficult for a person with an average amount of empathy to understand how these OW/OM sleep at night. But they sleep just fine..

  227. Anonymous

    @227 You also may want to check out a webite called “baggareclaim”. It has a lot of info about trying to break out of this kind of cycle.

    Wish you well. You, his wife, and kids all deserve better.

  228. Anonymous

    #227

    Try looking up ivillage EAS (ending affair support) board. There are many post on that board share a similar situation as you and offer great support in ending affairs.

  229. Anonymous

    I am looking for support… I have read almost all of the posts above, and can relate to many.
    I am the other woman involved in an affair with a man unlike any I had ever known. I won’t bore anyone with the details but here are the basics.

    • He used to be my boss, but it was such a large company that I didn’t really know him until a chance meeting after I had quit to take a different opportunity.
    • He’s 37, I’m 25.
    • Love at first sight type of meeting
    • He has been happily married for 13 years. His wife is beautiful and he has never said a mean thing about her. They have never even had a fight… They have 2 children, 7 and 4.
    • We have been seeing each other for 1 year and 4 months… non-stop… Talk everyday and spend time together every possible moment we can. We even take brief trips overnight places etc…
    • I ask him to be with me and marry me and he just can’t bear the thought of hurting his two children as well as his other friends and family…
    • We have had long talks about what life would be like if we did pursue a life together, and I understand all of the hardships that will come along with that, but I am ready to take them on… and he is not.

    I finally told him that I just can’t handle this anymore. I deserve to be someone’s one and only. I am sick of not being his priority. I have done this countless times in the past, and I always cave within a week and we start back at square one.

    I am looking for encouragement to stay strong and not cave this time. The only way I will ever move on to someone else is with time… Although at this moment I can’t imagine life with anyone else.

    I have given him the ultimatum… all or nothing…and I need to stick to it! Help 🙂

  230. Anonymous

    I had been having an affair with a MM for two years and he told his wife about me, telling her that he had realised that he had never loved her. He told me that he was deeply in love with me, that I was his soulmate and the love of his life. We shared a passion, a chemistry and connection that I’ve never experienced before. We had so many common interests that he told me he could not share with his wife such as music, the countryside and walking. Basically, we felt that, had we met sooner, we would have been together. The only fly in the ointment was the guilt he felt at breaking up his family and being apart from children. He has unresolved issues from his own childhood that make him more determined not to let his children become part of a ‘broken family’. Despite all his reservations, we made plans to be together and he left his wife to try to sort things out on his own. He found it impossible during that time, to reconcile his feelings for me with his love for his children and he kept feeling that he was being asked to make a choice (which he just could not do). He stuck it out for six months. But when his wife offered reconciliation he decided to go back home and try to work on his marriage. He has ended it with me because he needs to give his marriage a chance and doesn’t want to keep veering back and forth between us. We have left things open until three years time when his son will leave home and go to university. But until that time, no contact. I have this home that we will get together eventually. Despite all the things I’ve read about affairs with married men, I just feel that my situation is different. I don’t know why. Maybe because it’s because he told his wife about me and did try to leave (unsuccessfully). Nothing he has told me makes me doubt that he has been truthful with me, during the time we had the affair. I wonder how he will make it work with his wife after the things he has said to her. I wonder if she can forgive and forget what has happened and move on to forge a good relationship. I can’t stop thinking about him.

  231. Anonymous

    I am the Other Woman, more like the “shadow on the Internet”. For over a year, I have been deeply involved in a long-distance relationship with a man from another country, thousands of miles away. I am single, he is married with children. We are very much in love, best friends, soul mates who just happened to meet at the wrong time.

    My children are all grown up, his are still dependent. He’s told me he can’t leave because of the children,his terminally ill mother,and finances, and he doesn’t want me to leave my situation because of my family, and the distance. I have turned my whole life upside down, even changed my schedule to match his time zone.

    We met on one of the social networks, and discovered we had many similar interests, and a passion for each other that won’t quit, and we support each other as we can. Yes, I feel guilty sometimes, and I have made several attempts to break it off, but neither of us can stay away from each other, or deny how we feel. We know there is no future for us, not even much of a chance we will ever meet offline. So, we just take it a day at a time, enjoy what we have, and try not to think about the future much.

    Sometimes, I feel like an old fool (in my sixties, and he’s 12 years younger), but being in love and getting the attention I have had from him, have made me feel young and attractive for the first time in years, given me a new lease on life,and made me realize I do have a lot to offer a man. Even so, I sometimes wonder how long I can stay in this relationship. The reality is that I spend an awful lot of time alone, missing him, and realizing he is with another woman, his wife. It’s especially rough during holidays. Valentines Day was especially bad, and we nearly broke up, when he told me he wanted to do the right thing and try to work on his marriage, and that he wanted to keep his family, but that he loved me, too. Still, he always says that if things were different, he would be with me.

    Sometimes, I don’t know which is more painful, the whole process of having an International long-distance relationship and facing the harsh reality that the odds are against us meeting offline, or the idea of breaking off completely, thus ensuring that we will never meet, or have any contact of any kind, and will hurt each other simply because it’s the “right” thing to do.

    To those who have been so glibly, and harshly condemning us other women, I have one thing to say: Judge not. Until you have experienced something like this, you don’t know how you would react. We did not plan on meeting this way, or falling so hard and so quickly. We did not know we would still be together a year later, in spite of all the odds against us.

    And one more thing: people often say that a long-distance relationship is nothing but a fantasy. Well, let me tell you, the feelings are very real. With the Internet, Skype and all the other technological advances we have now, this issue has become more prevalent, and will continue to be so for a long time to come.

  232. Anonymous

    To #218:

    What makes you assume that women who are involved with married men “go after” those men? What about those married men who actively pursue the OW’s with determination, and who persist until they are successful? I think it is very naive of you to assume that these women are setting their “traps” waiting to lure married men into their lairs… I mean really! I also think it would be safe to assume that many married men involved in affairs have instigated those affairs. Don’t you believe that men have the ability to choose, and to be responsible for their actions? So stop blaming the OW’s and blame all three parties, husband, wife and OW are all responsible for the affair. People are more complex and their decisions reflect many things from experience to history right down to the chemistry of their brains. And marriage is very complicated and elaborate institution which was established when lifestyles and cultures were very different than those we live with today. I believe you are not allowing for any of these factors in your sweeping statement defaming OW’s.

  233. Anonymous

    i am having an affair with a married man for almost 6 months now. i wanted to leave but everytime i was about to say goodbye, i just cant. I love him so much..

  234. Anonymous

    My husband had an affair with a co worker. At the time the affair began we had been married for 14yrs. There were many things wrong with our marriage at the time and I do not deny my own contribution to the breakdown in communication between us, However I did still love my husband deeply and always thought we were experiencing “lifes unfair and often unjust problems” some of these problems put a strain on us and were things like menapause,imputence,ageing parents,redundancy,and difficult teenagers. At the time the affair began I was 50yrs old and my husband was 49 and under grt pressure with fear of redundancy. He told me that tow was also fearing job loss hence the meeting up for coffee and chats began! He began to talk about his private life and how unhappy he was and hey presto they became close and the affair began.
    At the time their relationship began the ow had been involved for a number of years with a widower whom she very quickly dumped when she set her sites on my husband. the affair lasted for a year before my husband finally confessed. Like many wives i had had my suspisions that there may be someoneelse but couldn’t quite believe my husband was capable of such deciet and betrayl.
    After his confession i felt like the bottom had fallen out of my world the emotional roller coaster i found myself on was not a pleasent ride. He told me he loved me but had feelings for the ow, said he wanted his marriage but still felt a connection to her, he had bought her expensive jewellery, he described how she faked orgasm in the bedroom etc etc etc. It was like living torture for me. Howeveer he said the affair was over cos she had been in touch with an ld flame on facebook and they had met up again and she had slept with him. But he was very ill with emphyseamia and may only have a few short years to live. I found this absurd and couldn’t believe what he was telling me even though he seemed to. This old flame then apperently committed himself to her on their first meeting(after they had slept tog)and this was very imp to her.
    Over the next 7mths i fought hard for my marriage but this woman would periodacally phone or txt my husband to meet up for coffee and although they ddnt sleep tog they were emotionally involved still. Of course all of these meetings were done in secrecy so my husband was lying to me again, I finally discovered a txt he had sent to her and confronted him with it. At this point i could not take any more and asked him to leave. It was xmas 2009 and our 15yr old daughter was devestated.
    The ow had been married x2 before, her second marriage lasted around 15yrs before her husband had an affair with another womaan after she suffered postnatal depression for a yr after giving birth to their only child. They tried to make the marriage work for 1yr after his affair but it finally ended with her having a revenge affair. Her husband ended up with the woman he hadhad the affair with and she ended up on her own with the child. After a sexual bender of 17 lovers she ended up with the widower for 12yrs, then the affair with my husband. She also told my husband her father had made inapprpriate suggestions to her as a child and touched her breasts in front of other family members.By the way she was older than my husband at 54yrs.
    My husband finally returned to me in Jan 2010 after sleeping with the other woman twicw more when we were seperated. She then told him she was committed to the old flame she had betrayed him with. It is now april 2011 and somehow we are still tog. When he came back in jan 2010 I dont know why I let him. I have gone from total heartbreak to confusion to anger and now I feel numb! All of this has affected our children deeply especially our now almost 17yr old. My husband tells me every day how sorry he is and he cries and he is always telling me he loves me. I have had the stuffing knocked out of me. I feel run over, I no longer cry or have any dreams. I dont believe in love anymore.Our daughter has asked us not to split up. We have had to be tested for sexual transmitted diseases cos of her history. I am so un unhappy. I cant believe my husbend ever loved me to treat me this way. He admits he was selfish and a monster who was infatuated with a woman who built up his ego. I fear I will never recover from this.
    By the way after sleeping with my husband in jan2010 she married the old flame in august of the same year without telling him about her affair with my husband. However he does now know cos my husband placed a letter telling him the whole sordid story directly into his hands only last week. This was he believes the right thing to do because during the 7 months after their affair ended when she was txting and phoning my husband and meeting him for coffee the old flame knew nothing at all but she was putting me through hell.My husband also says that at that timethere were 4 people involved in the mess not 3 cos she was having a relationship with this other guy and he married her not knowing what was happening.
    Becos of this letter to her husband we have now had a visit from the police asking my husband not to harrass her anymore. My husband was furious and said that she cont to harrass us for 7mths after the affair ended untill she finally drove me to throw him out after the discovery of a txt message. He also told the policeman that he was prepared to do anything to make her hate him enough to stop her ever thinking she could get in touch with him again.
    My story is fascinating but true, dont yu think it has the makings of a hollywood blockbuster? its a farce but it happened to me, I ived it!

  235. Anonymous

    That’s right #220. We are co-habitating for financial reasons only right now. He is no longer with the OW either. How interesting. The money ran out and she dumped him. As for me, I can no longer be intimate with someone that I don’t trust.
    By the way…I said that his behavior was despicable, not him. He is just a good person that made some really bad decisions and did some really horrible things to me and our family. Mental, emotional and physical abuse are things that I will NOT tolerate. He pretty much went from being a wonderful husband and caring father to a man that I didn’t recognize in any way. We are talking about 20+ years. The affair changed him. He went so far as to cock back to punch his daughter in the face when she called his little concubine a whore.
    It really is sad and I hate that our children were front and center to his abuse. That was HIS CHOICE. I did the best I could to hide it from them. I’m sure that now he looks back and wonders what he did. It’s too late. He threw away his family with both hands and now he doesn’t have us or the OW.
    I’m not saying that people in affairs are not good people. REALLY GOOD PEOPLE make really bad choices sometimes. What I want the OW/OM to try to understand is that the affair, once revealed, can cause wide spread damage to innocent people. We loved and adored him. All that has changed now. Just the thought of him with that skanky woman makes my skin crawl. The marriage is over and I am waiting on some financial decisions to be made. I can’t go back now, too much has happened and I have too much respect for myself than to wonder for the rest of my life if I was merely the convenient choice.
    “Never allow someone to be your priority while they make you their option.”

  236. Anonymous

    219 – So are you now saying that you are no longer married to that despicable man?

  237. Anonymous

    #218…I agree whole heartedly. The excuse that the wife is some how the cause of the affair is ridiculous. Like you say, all marriages have their issues, but people have a choice. Women in the position of the OW make a CHOICE to persue the relationship using the excuse that they are “In love and just can’t help it.” Well, serial killers use the same excuse…”I just couldn’t help it”. Sorry if this analogy seems harsh, but if we all went around doing what we FEEL like doing instead of the right thing, I dare say that the world would be a more chaotic place than it is already. If your spouse thinks that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, maybe he/she should try to plant a little bit more grass in his/her own pasture. The results might just surprise them.
    I’m sure that I will be blasted for this, but I really don’t care. It has been my experience that the affair is usually about the wayward spouse and their own insecurities. It has little to do with their wife/husband. Not all marriages that are affected by affairs were bad to begin with. I was shocked to learn about the bald faced lies that my husband was telling his little sweety. Yes, I recorded some of his conversations. I didn’t want to believe that he was capable of such despicable behavior. He really had me fooled. All of the signs were there, but I trusted and loved him very much. This is typical behavior from a married affair partner. So, OW/OM, don’t believe everything that they say. The married man/woman has to try to justify their behavior in some way.
    As #218 stated, some of these women/men do this with their eyes wide open and then have the audacity to think that they have certain rights and privileges. Well OW/OM, you have no rights. You are simply the play toy left sitting on the side until the married affair partner has time for you. I don’t know about you, but I have more respect for myself than that.

  238. Anonymous

    Women who go after married men are nothing more than heartless cold people. They know when they set out to trap these men that they are intentionally destroying entire families. They don’t give a hoot about what happens to the wife and children. They know exactly what they are doing and it’s unforgivable. Women who do this are sick. They can take a perfectly good marriage and wreck it without the blink of an eye. Not every marriage is bad when affairs begin. Of course every marriage has problems, but for the offender to manipulate a man for her own agenda is pure evil. There is no excusing or justifying what these people do. They do it on purpose with both eye’s wide open.

  239. Anonymous

    @216 First, I am glad you are posting here, letting people know how it really turns out. I suggest getting into a support group, get some counseling or even read some of the better books out there on the subject. Like a lot of bad experiences, one can use this as a chance to grow, or not. The greatest tragedy would be if you don’t use it as a chance to grow, to address those issues within your self (and the marriage) that created this problem.

    I hope and pray this will work out for you.

  240. Anonymous

    #208 here again with another update because I think it’s so important for everyone to at least hear about the inevitable downward spiral.

    In the beginning I read all the posts about how badly these affairs could end but just breezed over them because I thought that wouldn’t happen to me.

    Well it has ended pretty bad and has now “infected” our mutual workplace. Most people don’t know (including our spouses, I think) but its awful working with him. I approached him at work and asked if we could talk and he freaked out and told me to only talk to him about work things because he did not wish to discuss anything personal with me and told me not to talk to him at all anymore. He then went to a supervisor and said if I didn’t leave him alone he would file a harassment complaint (our supervisor thinks we have had some major disagreement!). I am so hurt and angry that he would risk my career to save him the time of talking to me! He slept with me and now he’s done with me. End of story, nothing else to say.

    So I am left to worry if people may or may not know and if some people do know if he is painting me as chasing after him. I am left sad about what we did have because it was great (and totally like a DRUG, I miss how he made me feel because it was new and exciting) and I believed his lies that we “had a good thing” and he really liked me. Not even 3 weeks ago things were great. I have no closure as he will not talk to me and has told me to not contact him anymore but yet I have to work with him and I blame myself for ruining it by being honest about my feelings… see post #208, that was when the downward spiral began.

    This is hard, I don’t even know if I am doing it justice with my words… if I am really describing how very bad this feels – the hurt and the anger are overpowering. And to deal with it all alone is the icing on the cake. At the same time I am somewhat relieved it is over because I am no longer anxious about balancing two relationships, when he’s going to call or text again, why I haven’t heard from him, if he’s mad at me, etc…

    So that’s it. I am going day by day for now because that is all I can do. Get out while you can, have the discussion face to face and be done… it’s not worth it. Mine was only 4 months and I will take longer to get over it.

  241. Anonymous

    @214 Please talk to someone about this, whether a grief counselor, therapist, or whomever. I can feel your pain coming through your post. Yet I think you understand this is not the best way to deal with the pain, and is very likely to lead to more pain, for you, him, his wife (children?). The fact you came to this site leads me to believe that. But this is a counseling site, so contact someone in your area to help. I can’t say what kind of help you might need, but I am sure a professional who can assist you in thinking through all of this would be worth it. I wish the best on all of this.

  242. Anonymous

    I’m a widow and a single other-woman in an affair with a married man, and so conflicted about it, especially after reading all of these posts. My husband was killed in an accident about 9 months ago, it nearly destroyed me, the pain of losing him. We were only together 4 years but they were the best 4 years of my life, and I have been utterly devastated by his death. So a few months after his death was I was borderline suicidal, and my lover (married, who was a good friend from before my husband’s death) kind of “rescued” me… from losing my mind with grief and/or potentially hurting myself. His rescue came in the form of love, both emotional and physical intimacy.

    I fell into a relationship/affair with him because I am needing someone’s love so badly and he is right there, always there for me. He is a wonderful friend and I think I have fallen in love with him, if that’s possible so soon after losing your spouse… BUT… I am still grieving my husband. I never want him to leave his family; I would never trust him as my husband cuz he is deceiving his wife now… but I feel incapable of leaving him. I’m also bipolar, I don’t take meds, and I’m terrified that losing him will exasperate the depression I feel about losing my husband. Depression is not even a strong enough word.

    Double loss within a year… i.e. I just don’t know if I can take it. Now I realize I have gotten myself in a worse situation and I am very afraid of loss in general because one day my beautiful husband walked out the door and never came home until they brought him to me in a bodybag. I love my lover and I get most of my emotional support from him, nobody else knows what is going on in my head and how frightening it can be. But even in the affair I feel so alone, I see him maybe twice a month if we are lucky and the rest of the time its texts and phonecalls etc… i.e. I am alone a lot. I don’t know if I am even looking for answers cuz i know what the answer is. I just feel like it may send me off the deep end cuz I am so SO close already. I know this relationship won’t be enough for me, I want what I had– which was a happy, satisfied marriage with a man I would’ve done anything for.

  243. Anonymous

    To No. 64 You’ve hit the nail right on the head.

  244. Anonymous

    #208 here. I ended it yesterday after another week of down time and game playing. Honestly I regretted it right away, and am still kind of bummed about it but I also feel a huge sense of relief. Relief that I do not have to deal with the affair… it takes a lot of energy and aside from not really getting the answers I was looking for from him as to why it all went “bad” so quickly I do know it’s better this way. I still have to see this person at work periodically but that is my kharma for getting into this in the first place.

    One thing I do want to say is that it is hard, so hard when it ends. My guy turned out to be a real prick, but those of you that have been in it longer and that both feel the same feelings for each other and still deal with the balancing act and emotional highs and lows that come with it have it way harder.

    I am left feeling stupid – high risk for someone that wasn’t worth it. It’s hard to deal with emotionally, it’s the end of a relationship either way, and no support because you have to suffer the end in silence. It sucks and I will never, ever do it again.

  245. Anonymous

    #208

    End it now. This guy obviously doesn’t have much feeling for you. This early on in your affair he is already igoring your “feelings.” Huge red flag. If he comes back to you and you guys go back in the affair, he will almost certainly do it again and again to you in the future. Do you really want more of hurt, uncertainty, loss of dignity? And yes, more you stay, more emotionally you invest in this affair, harder to let go. You are only in it for a month. Distance yourself from him, let it go! Don’t contact him. Silence is the only way to take your power back. Check out iVillage EAS (ending affair support) board. They offer some good advice and support in ending your affair.

  246. Anonymous

    208 – Yes it is over. He doesn’t want to risk his world and marriage on you. When you signaled the intent to make some sacrifices he did a quick evaluation of the sex with you versus the cost of sacrifice and you came up on the short end of the tally.

    You see–you have gotten involved with a coward and even if you were able to end your marriage for this person and attempt to make a relationship work he’d do the same to you–or you would do the same to him. You both should know this. He got what he wanted as a guy– a new woman to have sex with and having zero cost to those choices–until you proposed sacrifice and cost through your “feelings” comments.

    Yeah–the one thing that always kept me from having an affair on my wife all the years was that the effort to pursue another woman and keep things secret and giving up my self respect took more effort than it did to just make up with my wife and make her feel good about me, us, and herself. It was less. In the few times I considered it I thought about the act of wooing another woman and what it would take would be more than wooing the one I had and I had the added benefit of not destroying my kids or another family’s kids and home. Seems like a pretty simple math problem to me.

  247. Anonymous

    To those who say they want out, but it is hard, I note this is counseling web site. Try Ms. Berger, or any of the myriad of counselors out there. Buy some books on the subject. Read some blogs. Get some help. Don’t continue to destroy yourself and others.

  248. Anonymous

    I come to this page for support, not the negative BS but from those that have been TOW and know that we all come from different situations and upbringings and backgrounds etc..

    That being said I just want to put my situation out there because I have nobody I can talk to about how I am feeling as TOW and I need support because I feel like the pain is never going to end.

    I am married, he is married and we work together. We talked (mainly texting) for 3 months and have been sleeping together for the past month. The other day I said I may have some feelings for him and wanted to know what he thought of that. Well he wasn’t responding so finally, a day later I asked again and he said he was too tired to talk about it. Well I asked again and I guess he felt like I was insisting on the conversation so he replied saying he “needs a little down time”. What the hell does that mean?????

    So we used to text every day and I haven’t heard from him since he said that comment and its now been 3 days. What hurts the most is that I am not sure if its over or not. Based on what I have read here I feel like I should be embracing the opportunity to end it now and suffer through because it would be harder later (if it continued on) and just focus on my marriage but a part of me really wants to contact him and demand to know if its over or not (not very empowering for me giving him the final choice). I feel used and disrespected because he is ignoring me. Only a man could sleep with someone and just virtually walk away… or has he?

    Haven’t hurt this much in a long, long time 🙁

  249. Anonymous

    Here is another “the other woman” story. I am 36 years old and the married man is 47. After a 14 month affair, which I ended last week, I am taking a long hard look at our relationship. I relize I am the trophy girlfriend and his addiction is the sex. Through the lies of – “You are my soul mate” You are everything I’ve been in search of my entire life “You are my best friend” “You are the love of my life” “I want to spend the rest of my life with you” etc. Its been 6 months since his wife packed his balls in a brown paper bag and sent him on his merry way. They are still in limbo and he continues to play me and play her. So, to all of you other women out there – let him go…..concentrate on YOUR life, stop dwelling on the What-if’s and realize MEN who cheat and don’t leave their marriage honorably by being honest are worthless and you are better than that. Learn from the affair – identify how it makes you feel – the good the bad and the ugly. Your future relationship with a new partner will be stronger then ever and he will WANT you in his life unconditionally not at his convenience. Thank you for letting me vent and PS – did I mention he is a cop ?

  250. Anonymous

    I can’t believe there are women out there who are interested in hooking up with a married man, come on! I mean, how do these men meet these women? Is there like a skank bar you go to or something? I’m just curious…

  251. Anonymous

    The most beautiful mistake I have made to date was loving a man who had a family, a home, a mother to his children. I learned more about myself in the past year of my life than most people scratch upon in a lifetime! Love should not come at the expense of pain that someone else may feel, nor at the expense of one’s own feelings. I know now that if I am “worth it” a man will make sure that he has no baggage, no wife who will call and interrupt his time with me…. no woman at home who’s feelings would be shattered if she knew I existed.

    To all those who find themselves in a position to be the other woman, take a long hard look inside yourself and find a way to know that you are just as beautiful, just as smart, just as much a woman if he never makes love to you (emotionally OR physically). If you are already the other woman, take a bit of advice from Marilyn Monroe 🙂 and listen but do not believe … leave before you are left…

  252. Anonymous

    201 here! He has been in contact and has told me he has left home. Soon after I called it a day. Im guessing he wants me to open the doors again, but there is so much more that would have to be sorted before I went back there. Yes it is tempting but the last thing I need is for him to change his mind just as I think everything will be OK. I need to get on with my life and let him get on with his …

  253. Anonymous

    this article has very accurately described exactly what I am thinking and how I am feeling and has given me some reassurance that my responses are normal.

  254. Anonymous

    I have been having an affair with a married co-worker for the past 18months, we started a friends and even talked about how we wouldn’t take it to the next level. But it happened. I do not expect him or want him to leave his wife, all I want is his happiness. I know I am not the only peron he has had an affair with and I know I dont mean to him what he means to me but I love him and am gratefull for the time I spend with him. Yes I feel the guilt and I dont want to hurt his wife. I know it will end and each day I am afried is the last, I have never felt a love this strong for anyone.
    My great fear is that I am slowly destroying him by mking him lead a double life and I know for this reason I need to end, it is just so hard. we have both tried at different times to stop but it never ends and we are just drawn to each other. I dont want anything more from him than what I have.

  255. Anonymous

    169 and 197 – Its hard and I really feel for you as I have been the other woman. It lasted 17 months! I was the one that ended it because being TOW is bittersweet!!! Funny enough, he has tried to get in touch recently and I have thought about replying but havent because what difference could it make. He is still married and doesnt want to leave “for the children” It doesnt mean I dont think about him and miss the times that we had but then I remind myself of the times I could not speak to him, see him at times, go out because he has family commitments and the rest … He got to know my side of the family and my friends but I could only get to know two members of his family. Whenever I feel that pull to talk to him or see him, I remind myself what I didnt get from the relationship and that is a full-time partner who could out in teh open with me. Its hard, truly hard but I am fighting for my SELF!!! And for those people who want to look down on TOW, you need to really look at yourselves, if you are that cold, unswerving and uncompassionate then you need to look in the mirror because you dont know maybe that was the face you were giving your husband/wife when they felt they couldnt come to you discuss the state of your relationship. No I am not trying to say that it clears TOWs of blame but the truth is dependent upon perception. You standing from one point of view are not going to have the same view as the person opposite you. 170 and 197 – I guess there are only two colours in your rainbow – black and white (Oh yeh there’s a debate about that two!!!)

  256. Anonymous

    I read a few.

    For those that are angry with the “other,” sometimes you need to realize that we don’t pick who it is that we fall for. Sometimes it just kind of happens. I have been on both sides of the picket fence, I have been cheated on and left for the “other” and I am now finding myself being the “other.” I was hurt when I first found out that I was being cheated on. I knew that we had some problems but had never thought that anything was a big issue. Unfortunately he did not see it the same way and decided to leave me. So I nkow the hurt and the pain that it caused. i know what it was like to feel it and I know what it is like to feel so lost and so very confused, wondering what you had missed and how you could have fixed it?

    I moved on eventually though. I knew that there was no point in staying and wanting to fix it. because if he didn’t want to fix it, we were just going to stay on the same platue we were already at.

    I ended up meeting someone else. I was instantly attracted to him and I had found him to be just all around great. We were, of course, friends at first. Just hanging out and just talking a bit. I knew he was married but that didn’t stop the feelings that came to bloom

    I tried to talk to others, tried to date others but found myself comparing them to him. eventually, i figured maybe a co worker would cork cause then neither one of us would be willing to risk it. of course that didn’t work either. One day, he kissed me and I kissed him back. We acted as if though it had never happened but we couldn’t deny that we cared about each other. Now, I am playing the game of the “other,” I don’t know how its going to end. it may end up terrible or it may end well.

  257. Anonymous

    198 first to say sorry for my grammer!!

    Yes i know there are a couple billion people with a penis and yes my mistake i choose that one when i first met this guy he told me he was single and there were no signs that he was married and he kept this from me in the beginning for weeks and weeks until he told me that he was married and there was trouble with his wife but it was too late id stupidly fallen for him. And yes he has and still is lying to me hence why ive didided to move away and cut all contact.

    Im not with this guy anymore and havent been for a while i couldnt help my feelings no matter how wrong they were and you cant help who you fall for either and ive learnt my lesson big time.

  258. Anonymous

    197– it would be easier to read your posts if you used simple punctuation, grammar, and capitalization. That hurt to read.

    Sooooo there are a couple billion people on the planet with penis’s and you HAVE to have this one??? Cut him loose–he’s been lying to his wife for a long time. You think he isn’t lying to you? It must be easier to lie to you since he doesn’t have to live with you.

    In the end it just comes down to a choice and you continually make the choice to be with another woman’s husband.

  259. Anonymous

    Hi its 118 here its been months now since ive written i found myself getting involved with a married man last year in the summer put my feelings on here to explain how i feel yes there were some great comments which helped me and yes i got slatted big time for being involved with a married man but i couldnt help myself found myself falling in love with this guy he turned my life upside down but after being on here and hearing from other people i found the strength to move on and end the relationship which i did had no more contact with him no texts or calls well this was in june he went back to his wife and then learnt he wasnt happy and left her again so back in september i dumped into him again when out with friends including his brother who told me that im the only one i want to be with and that he can see the effect its had on him hes never seen his brother like it before and that he was out of order by the way he treated me!! My god yes i know i shouldnt of got involved with him as he had a wife and family but why did his brother have to tell me noe after all the time ive tried to move on so yes we spoke yes it got extremly emotional between us and i could see a huge change he said he had moved out now for good wasnt working at home with her again and he thought about nothing but me all the time and still wants to be with me so i left saying sort yourself out first let me sort myself out cause no way im getting hurt again so the weeks passed took my kids out to the cinema one weekend and yes youve guessed it he was there with his two kids and his wife i couldnt belive what i was seeing and i couldnt avoid them either and to make my whole world shatter in two i know his wife the ground collasped beneath me had to grit my teeth and say hello spoke to her for 10 mins said my hellos and made my excuses to sit down i cried all the way during the film why lie to me again god what muppet i am i couldnt of gotten out of there quick enough and yep later on my phone went and it was him he said so so sorry but his wife was having a melt down making all sorts of threats to him if he didnt come home and he has gone back for the sake of the kids i couldnt speak to him told him to leave me alone now never to get back in contact with me again. But the worst thing about all of this is that all the feelings i had for him have crept up on me again why is it so complicated love is evil when its with the person you cant have and really want to be with he made me complete in everyway still texts and rings but i ignore it when i really want to answer ive even dicided to move away to start again but why is this man in my head when i was doing so well please i need some help its driving me mad!!

  260. Anonymous

    I am the betrayed spouse. My marriage was a pretty good one as we didn’t have any problems but after 10 years being with him we decided to have a baby. I fell pregnant and as he told me his words “he would wrap me up in cotton wool” and look after me when I was pregnant. Did he? No! he started screwing an 18year old known office whore after I gave birth to our son (he was 32). He never helped me with anything!

    He was acting strange, aggressive and stupid and denied the affair till I got the facts. He finally confessed it. I gave him 10 years, a healthy baby son and this is how he thanks me? The “Other girl” comes from a troubled background and am assuming has daddy issues. I threw him out. sold the house and got on with my life. He is now trying to turn this whore into a housewife. She is only 20, has been in and out of court, participated in attacking me (cold hearted cow) is around my son and posts up her married boyfriend over facebook to delibratley humiliate me and he alows it all. She is the most cruel insensitive, disrespectful bitch I have ever come across and has no intentions of marrying my husband or building a life with him.

    A year on I have moved on and am happier than ever but I will still NEVER forget the damage this other girl did to my life and now my son. I don’t know how I am going to explain to him I married a man child and a teenage whore delibratley broke apart his family and his father let it all happen.

    I will never understand why a women would want to be with a taken man? He made a commitment to a women and he is not yours to take or want to take. the fact he is commiting udultrey is red flags to me but I guess there are a lot of selfish stupid whores out there. they deserve these men if you ask me.

    Women and men that take or want to take or have sexual relationships with married people need there heads read. They need to get some morals and values and stop going around destroying peoples lives. one day it will happen to them and then they can see all the pain hurt and anguish it causes into their lives and see how they like it.

  261. Anonymous

    It’s amazing a year and a half on how much I still think about my husband’s affair with his coworker. Sure, I’ll accept that there were problems in our marriage, there still are (they are different now). I always knew he was a huge flirt but just denied to myself that he would take it to the next level if a woman reacted to it. What a stupid fool I was! I was giving him the benefit of the doubt because I thought it was just his midlife crisis. It was so miserable to be around him because he was so miserable due to his wanting to be with TOW. She fell for him because they like the same music and she loves everything foreign, and they work together. He said she was passionate and I am too even-keel. Unfortunately I learned way more than I want to know about their relationship from things I have found that TOW gave him and friends that have told me. I learned about their trip to Europe together one week after burying my dad (only learned about the affair shortly before that). They were leaving the following week with my husband’s excuse that he was going to visit his family in Europe.

    This by far has been the most painful experience of my life. To my husband it was for “excitement” and like many of the comments on this site, he used to ask friends if they believed in “soul mates” – obviously he felt they were. Well, all this “excitement” with his “soul mate” just about lost me. Although I took my husband back because I did not want to make any decisions in haste, we have an 8 year old son, I think I will eventually leave him over this. I cannot reconcile in my mind that he feels he was entitled to this affair and didn’t think it would upset me that bad (he said this in the few counseling sessions he attended before quitting).

    To any of the women out there considering having an affair with a married man, don’t do it. I have been propositioned by husbands of my friends and others and have been so happy not to have reacted to them even if I found the person attractive. I can live with myself on that front. Of course there is always blame to go around but you only enable these cheating husbands who did not want to face the problems in their marriages. In most cases he is not interested in a REAL relationship with you. Once his wife is no longer in the picture and you can have a REAL relationship it is no longer exciting- the fantasyland of the secret affair is exciting. My husband has lost most of his friends over this and although a few things are better in my marriage, others are worse. I know he is scared of divorce because I will get half of everything. Who knows, sometimes I think I should thank that idiot woman for exposing my husband for the complete fraud he is. I am still attractive and desirable to other men and as the scorned wife think I wouldn’t mind starting over. I just need to be in a little bit better place to do it. Any comments are appreciated.

  262. Anonymous

    To #193: to hell with those people with their false morality. You’re honest – that’s what is important. The multiplicity of desire and action will always lead to confusion. You’ve done the right thing by being straight about everything. There’s nothing more you can do except have pride in your own courage.

  263. Anonymous

    in the fall of september 2009, an affair started with my friends boyfriend. their relationship was on the rocks even before the affair started. when he came to me i declined, cause i knew it was wrong and it was my friend that i was betraying. at time before this affair, i was dealing multiple deaths to ppl i was close too including my mother who passed away 2.5 yrs and a cousin that i very close too whom i took as a brother committed suicide a month before the affair. i was an emotional wreck, i quit my job cause i was emotionally breaking down on a daily basis. at the time i juss wanted someone to hold me and make me feel safe. unfortunitly for me it came as a form as an affair. i loved the fact i was showered in attention. during the first 2 months i was seeking help with my chronic depression and insomina. about dec i slowly started to pull away. he noticed too but with his attention showering i came back to me, then again in march i started to pull away again cause my friend got pregnant with their 2nd child she was very excited, he told me he wanted another baby but he was hoping it was to be me not her. eventually from march to november we maybe hooked up once a month cause the guilt was killing me. then about this oct i found out he had 3 other women. i avoided him, then one night in nov. they were both at the bar along with 2 other friends. i got wasted cause of the guilt i told a friend (whom i thought i could trust)she told me she will be there for support and we will wait till after the holidays to her about the affair. to my surprise she ratted on me the next day, i found it funny cause they juss backstabbed each other, guess she was lookin for brownie points if she beat me to punch. well after that i was confronted by text. i did not deny it in any way. but he lied and said he was drunk and that i took advantage of him. i had some of her family harrassing me about this. told them it does not involove them and if they kept bugging they were gonna look at lawsuits, they since left me alone. i was the one publicly slandered to point i dont leave my house juss for work now. she told everyone i was the one to blame for everything and he did nothing wrong (cause he was drunk and doesnt remember bull shit).

    however alot of our own friends knew about the affair, they did not tell her in way. i did not fall in love with him cause i did not care for him like that. he told wonderful stuff like we would run away together, but to his surprise i refused too. but she knew he was running around on her but she still remains friends with his “other women” but i got the lash, funny aint it. during the first 2 weeks i actually did not remember starting the affair. when i came out of depression temparary it came to me, i went into a panic. but he was there and told me it was ok. stupidly i believed him. my dad and brother have been supportive with me and not getting involved with him or her, cause i asked them not too. i found comfort with ppl i least expected, they are helping me through this told me its not the end of the world that i am not the first to have an affair. some of them know who he is and what he is about, and some got into arguements with him that he should be a man and tell the truth about it and for her to get off her high horse, accept the dirty truth that he is a dirty mutt, and have a backbone and leave him. but she wont, she never had a backbone in her life, plus she is no stranger to affairs either, she did the same thing i did but hers were much shorter.

    now almost a month later when it came out, they pretend to be in love, and believe everyone loves them cause of the ordeal i put upon them. i do feel bad at it, i regret it very much. if i was not in a such a bad emotional wreck i would have walked away and started nothing. a one yr affair caused alot of guilt and pain that was not worth it. when your suffering from chronic depression nothing matters at all except yourself.

  264. Anonymous

    I had an affair for 3 years with my boss who is 9 years older than I. He wasnt my boss when we started. I had known him for 20+ years. He and I were both married. Mine was a miserable 14 year marriage to an alcoholic who as much as i tried to get to counseling never admitted to his disease. I needed support and love. I found it in this man who was the absolute complete opposite of my Ex. He told me upfront he would never leave his wife. I was ok with that because i had enough truma in mine, divorce and all. After each breakup there was the addiction pulling us back in. A little over a year ago he confessed he could not live without me. So he tried to tell his wife he did not love her anymore and proposed to me. That lasted 1 day. He could not leave her. The fool i was i stayed in the emotional and physical affair. Earlier this year i had enough and went away for the weekend with another man(platonic). He found out and hit the roof. Mind you he was still married, still making love to his wife and i had been divorced for a year. He ended the affair. I did not pursue him. I was finished with the rollercoaster. Two weeks later, he called me to tell me he is going to leave his wife. He wants to be with me. He knows what he is leaving and knows what he is getting. He moves out at the end of the month. He has his own place. Together, We look for houses where i live. He makes the final decision on the house to buy. I played the fool again, i put the mortgage in my name because he is still married but separated. He is at the bank closing. Urging me on.

    Two months pass. He moves his things from his wife’s house to mine. TWO WEEKS LATER, he moves ALL his possessions BACK to his wife’s house.His wife made it clear she was waiting the 2 years until he came to his senses.

    As he is moving his stuff from my home, He looks at me with those sad eyes and says I’m sorry. What the hell! I’m stuck with a mortgage i don’t or can’t afford and he is back in his wonderful world.

    I guess he was still in the Affair fog. I got jolted out of mine. Actually, that was the first decision i ever made in my life that i made with my heart. It will be the LAST decision i make with my heart. Because i was frends with him so long before the EA started i had a great deal of trust and respect for him and his decisions. I cant even trust and respect myself right now how in the world am i going to trust and respect another man.

  265. Anonymous

    why would a man flirt and flirt with you and nothing physical happens between the two of you and then come to find out he is engaged! Then after he is married atleast a year decides he wants something physical. I’m so confused, I know i’m not the important one but why is he so persistant. I’m dealing with struggles of my own (self esteem) and this is just not helping .

  266. Anonymous

    I have been in an affair with a married man for almost 10yrs. We have a strange relationship to those in the previous sites. We are ok with our marriages. Have kids and live normal lives but…. Yup! we are seen each other. More emotional than sexual but a hug or kiss sends temperature’s rising. We were intimate about 7 yrs ago but we have kept our relationship to phone calls, occasional secret meetings and emails. He said he would like to have a sexual relationship again but he respects my decision not to. I have been searching for a reason why I am involved with him. My marriage is strange in the sense that my husband is very old school and believes in been the provider. He works himself to the bone not paying any attention to my needs. He seldom if ever makes any sexual advances and has not been romantic since forever. I have been doing all the initiating, dating, asking and I’m fed up. I have addressed all these issues with him but i promise you it falls on deaf ears. he wont consider counseling, saying that nothing is wrong. I stick it out for my son and family and i don’t believe in divorce. Anyway my husband is too possessive to even consider a divorce. I’m feel like his trophy. We are civil to each, run a business and carry on. I wanted to end this affair on so many occasions but it seems the only logical, caring, normal relationship i have. it keeps me sane on so many levels. I’m walking in the dark.

  267. Anonymous

    I have just walked away from a 1 year 8 month relationship with a married man who has a 5 year old daughter. I could not live this lie any longer. It’s not healthy and could hurt many paople. It was all about the physical and living in a dreamland.. He said he was nearly divorced when we met but later found out this was not the case. If a married person can’t get physical gratification from home, then they will most likely wander. Sadly it is human nature.

    I was told I could not have children and at the age of 40 had accepted the fact that I would never be a Mother. I moved on and 2 years later was swept away by this man. We have been through all the emotions, honeymoon and realisation stages mentioned in these pages by all the other people here who have, or are going through the same experience.

    By some miracle of nature I fell pregnant at 42, and we were shocked beyond belief! He was 36. He didn’t want me to go through with the pregnancy. However this was not a road I could ever had taken unless there was a serious medical reason that might have warranted it.

    Our daughter is nearly 7 months old now. MM lives in denial about her. It’s no wonder as he is petrified of being caught, and his little 5 year old girl needs her Dad very much. I would never want to come between him and his family. The Blinkers are off my face!

    Yes I was wrong to have reciprocated the feelings/gestures of this man, and I was blinded by love, then hurt, then guilt…but oh my goodness the greatest gift of all has come from this realtionship, a precious child! I want to be the best Mother I can possibly be for my daughter.. I live for her and love her with all my heart.

    I was wondering if the are any people out there reading this who were born from an affair? How were you told and has it been a difficult road for you? I think about this every day. I want to be as honest to my daughter as possible. She deserves to be respected and shown honesty as I want to live my life this way from now on…..

  268. Anonymous

    I have been dating a married man for just over a year. I first met him when i began my new job. He was my manager at my work. We just clicked. He has mentioned leaving his wife because he is unhappy with his marriage. He talks to me about all of the problems he is having and so do i. I know that the best thing for me to do is to end this affair before anyone gets hurt and finds out about it. I am emotionally and physically drained. im tired of working around his schedule and know that i deserve better. I feel guilty for what i have done and wish that it had never happened. I love him, however, i know that the best thing for me to do is to let him go. I now am stuck in a bigger mess than where i started, my ex-fiance, whom i love and want to be with has recently expressed his feelings and wants to try things again..as do i. I need to end this affair in order to begin a fresh start with the love of my life. How do i get the courage to tell the married man that this has gone way too far?

  269. Anonymous

    Ladies, I am going to give it to you straight up! Men who cheat on their wives, girlfriends, significant others, etc. don’t ever leave that person for the “other woman”. Why? Because they are selfish and want their cake and eat it too! If a man has some money, this attracts those “gold diggers”. He is the one you have to watch out for. He is not about to end up in divorce court having some judge split up the marital property because he is selfish! So, for those of you who are the “other woman”, my advice is to run – run real fast and don’t look back. You are only kidding yourself. Your “part-time” man who can’t keep his dick in his pants will only use you! If you have any respect for yourself, you won’t get involved with a married man (or one who’s attached). Go find your own man who can be with you and give you what you need and want – 100% of the time – nothing less.

  270. Anonymous

    I am in an affair with a man who is not married but has had a relationship with a woman for many years. She has bonded with his grown family. She no longer has sex with him and tells him to see hookers for sex. she doesn’t enjoy any form of sex. My husband, who was this man’s friend in school, died and we met shortly after and re-newed our friendship and passion eventually. It was a mutual love that we felt should have been fostered when we were young. Now his woman is leaving him but taking his family along with her and not explaining that she will give him no sex, isn’t even interested in it. He and I enjoy a full relationahip and enjoy each others company. we both feel a strong attraction and love each other but the family and other issues are hard on him. We have made a commitment however and have to stick to it. It is not easy but we do love each and have each other to lean on while his family adjusts.

  271. Anonymous

    I was the other woman and he was the other man. We both have crappy marriages and both just wanted something different. I don’t know what he was looking for but he must have found it in me. I knew exactly what I wanted and I got it. I never thought I would go outside of my marriage but I had no control over the circumstances that made me do so.
    I told myself that it would be all business without getting emotionally involved and for a while it worked perfectly.
    He started to become more into me, if you want to call it that, and that’s when it changed. I started liking him too much. My husband found out and it ended with the other guy for about seven months but he came back into the picture with a vengeance. The emotions only got worse and eventually his wife found out, thus ending it again.
    I hate that it ended the way it did because I need some sort of closure. I miss him because he had something my husband doesn’t. However, I am trying to get over the fact that all of this happened. I’m trying to get over him and I’m trying to find a way to sever the hold he has over me. I’m trying to be strong.
    I never thought I would cheat but I did and there is no going back. I’m a different person but that isn’t a bad thing. I don’t plan on going from one guy to another, that’s no who I am. I didn’t plan on getting together with a married man but it happened. I didn’t plan on being the other woman.
    It’s been mentioned here but those who have been cheated on I know the first thing you are going to want to do is beat the snot out of the other woman/man but you really can’t blame them. Don’t get mad at them, get angry with your spouse and with yourself. It’s both of your faults but I’m not excusing the behavior of the other person.
    I made my choice and I do not regret it because I learned some things about myself that my marriage was suppressing.

  272. Anonymous

    ive been searching online for the past days for an article, anything, that would somehow ease the pain of what am going thru. and found it right here and more. i am the other woman. had been for 26 months. and as all of you, started as friends.i wasnt willing but i fell. right fr the start, he was honest. as to the limitations of his time and what he can give.his status. he was nice and as i was falling, i kinda learned to accept how the relationship was. he is married with kids, i am too but my family is back home in our country. so am basically on my own here. right from the start, i know there is never a choice bet me and the fam.i knew what my role was. but i kept loving him. he loved me right back. he tries to make time for me.we managed somehow.
    weve had our ups and downs. 3-4 months into the relationship i caught him cheating with someone and i dunno what i was thnking, i calmly confronted him and just went on with us as if nothing happened. then he started avoiding me(we used to worked together) and i got so upset bec he refused to even speak to me. it went to the point the i gave him my two cents worth and slapped him and walked away. accepting it has ended and he used me and i allowed him. bec i knew, i just couldnt prove it that there is another other woman.
    i thought that was that but he came back after 2-3 weeks and wants to start again. he said he had other flings during his marriage in the past but doesnt come nearly around as serious as we are becoming. he got scared he said. it was the reason he started to back out. bec he didnt want to get any more involved that he always does in the past. that i was “differet”- but he cant let me go.so. we started again. since then till now, we become so close its like we both cant live with out each toher, we would fight and not talk for days. broke up and the longest was 3 weeks and he would always come back to me. i would say many times to myself, that this is it. this is the end, i would end this, i woudl away away. but i always find myself taking him back. he is always the one begging me to take him back. i love him. he is my soulmate as i am to him. we talk and talk and talk and talk of everything.
    i feel hurt each time i realized how little time he has for me. but i appreciated the effort he does.he calls everyday, many times a day when he is at work, we spend so much time on the phone.i cant complain. then since he lives in another suburb about 20 min freeway,(we used to live in the same but ive moved away since i got a new job) he cant come to me we started resorting to other means to be with each other. i go to his house on nights his wife works. then one night, his wife found out about my presence in their bedroom i dunno how. and they talked and i guess he confessed. all the while i was already told by mm not to admit. deny. to death if she rings me. she rang me and from what she knew, i presumed she knew a lot, i couldnt bring myself to deny anything. she was very civil, educated. polite. and asked me if i want her husband bec if i do, she will giv him to me. i do of course. but i couldnt bring myself to ask where does he stand in all this? this is not for me to decide, its for him. i may want him and if he says i stay with my family. what will that make me? but it doesnt take a genius to figure out the choice he made.
    we hang up the phone, i dont really know waht we agreed upon or achieved. all i knew is taht she knwos about me. and she is fighting for her kids not to lose their father.
    since then i havent heard from him.
    and i kept waiting bec he said he will not leave me. but i guess, am jsut being stupid. and in denial. the decision time has passed and long gone. the decision has been made. if he wanted to me, and chose me, i would have known now. but i knew right from the start he woudl alwasy choose his fam.but am still very hurt bec deep inside me, i couldnt believe how he can just disappear on me when i thouight,how much we talked about how we love each other, all the efforts he makes just to be with me, to talk to me, to be able to call me. its all big effort.
    many times, in the past wehn i get so fed up he is going home, has to leave me and we cant talk anymore and i havent seen him for a week. i wish he would disappear in my life and leave me alone. the pain gets too much to bear waiting for time he can spare for me and if he has, it is so little time i never get enough, and i got that wish. he is gone. weve gone thru all sorts of break up. all kinds. and we always get together, this time, it was decided for us by the person who truly owns him. he hasnt called or texted or wat to say goodbye or explain.
    i am so hurt. not ashamed to his wife or the people been talking bout us. my only fault is i fell in love. honestly i have no intention of breaking up his family.i have accepted the fact he is married and i am the other woman; bec i love him. i accepted my role bec i love him. i may not be happy in my position but i dont have a choice. and oftentimes, it brings my spirit down.
    i guess its packing my bag time for me. if he calls me, waht for? i woldnt want to continue the way it was, he had the chance to choose me but he didnt..
    and am still reeling from the pain of that realization.
    but at this very point, am thinking about how he is at home. how he has to put up with his wife and hung his head and thnk of me and cant do anything. how he has no one to talk to. when i would have been there to listen.
    i would welcome all comment and insults and suggestions. i need it. please.
    major major stupid aye?
    call me “fairy”

  273. Anonymous

    #181. My my judgemental aren’t we?? Most people do not set out to do the wrong thing or hurt anybody. I will admit that at times people don’t stop and think about what they are doing or what the consequences of their actions might be until it is too late. Thirteen years ago i was the ‘other woman’. We were in love, I was young, he did the ‘right’ thing and stayed with his wife and children. Many years later I bumped into the one that got away, his marriage was all but over (separate rooms, agreed separation, looking for elsewhere to live). We became friends again and eventually (10 months later) lovers. We have now been in a relationship for well over two years with no sign of it ending any time soon. Both of us would have been happier if he had left his wife thirteen years ago and I have a sneaking suspicion that she probably would have been happier as well. Every situation is unique. I am sick of reading about how hard it is to forgive your husbands etc. If you don’t trust him, if it all hurts too much….LEAVE!!! Stop making everybody miserable. Have enough confidence and self esteem to stand up for yourself. If you truely love him and want to be with him then get over it because until you do your relationship will never move forward.

  274. Anonymous

    If you are the “other woman”, mean don’t leave their wives and all the stuff that he is telling you about her is probably not true. With that said what makes you think that you are so much different or unique than his wife…really? Think about it what is so great about you? If you think your in love and he’s in love with you, your both in love with a fantasy a dream. An affair is not real life, your not dealing with financial problems, children and everything is secret making it exciting. When it all comes out in the open, if it does, he will choose his wife and everything that you thought was great even if you try to continue won’t be as great anymore. If your dealing with married man, what makes you think he won’t do it to you. Get a flipping clue seriously!

  275. Anonymous

    #124 How noble, and yes, I’m being sarcastic. I am the wife. Yes, you learned a valuable lesson, but at whose expense? And how noble you stopped yourself from calling her to rub your affair in her face to hurt him. Do you think if they are back together she doesn’t know the details of your affair by now and the private details of YOUR life, and I mean PRIVATE!

    You call your involvement in his life a mistake? I call it a character flaw. I knew at the age of 19 when I inadvertently went out with someone who was married and I did not know it to feel instantly INSULTED that someone would think I was the kind of person that would be involved in something so hurtful to somone else.

    I think you underestimate the heartbreak, hard work, and expense of trying to put a marriage back together. You underestimate the effect this had on his child who still grapples with it 3 years later.

    As far as you making a mistake, that does not fly with me. At some point your so-called mistake became a calculated decision. At some point in your flirting and “benign” friendship you knew exactly when you felt that it was turning into somethinng else. It was at that time you made a calculated decision to move forward. This is the part I will never understand. When there is so much misery and tragedy in this world that cannot be controlled, what kind of person are you that you deliberately want to be part of something that is so hurtful and damaging to another person.

    Yes we have worked through it, but while you two may carry your so-called guilt with you, you two have left scars on my soul that will be there until the day I die.

    And, yes, everything I have said to you, I have said to him.

    As far as forgiveness for you, I do not wish anything bad to happen to anyone nor do I take pleasure in anyone else’s pain, even yours. And that will have to be enough for me. It is not something I dwell on but when I see a response like this it does rear its ugly head.

    As you know, I am responding to someone anonymous. I am responding because those that are in such situations or heading in that direction need to realize the depth of the pain it will cause to someone else. (And,I cannot adequately put the depth of that pain into words.) And those that have moved on and have never apologized to the wife and assauge their guilt on an anonymous website are once again being cowards. Live a life you are proud of. Realize all marriages have a low point, ALL marriages. If a man can only leave his marriage by being involved with someone else and not leave it honorably, do you want to be a part of that?

  276. Anonymous

    #179, 176 here. I agree with you that the whole world could change little by little, and that everyone could make a difference. I just don’t think that your desire to blame on anybody, or to take a black and white view of people’s characters and choices, is going to get us there.

    The situation you describe from your own life sounds very painful, and I can understand your concern for your kids. I’m sorry you and your family are going through that. But I don’t think you’re going to help your kids by thinking of them as victims who now have a lifelong problem. Indeed, it’s that kind of thinking that you attributed to me when you referred to my using a bad childhood as an excuse (and trust me, my own “victim” stories from childhood are a heck of a lot worse than discovering my father’s affair). No matter how hurt you and your kids are right now, you and they are also strong and resilient. You can take your own advice and make choices that will help them to move forward as healthy people, no matter what’s happened. Easier said than done when you’re hurt, but that’s exactly what you’re asking the rest of the world to do, so go to it.

  277. Anonymous

    #176 We can all use excuses of bad childhood etc…But it all boils down to choices. You are to weak to consider anyone but yourself. There is always another outlet besides destroying families. Maybe you would like to explain to my 16 year old daughter who found out at school that her dad was having an affair with my friend & her riding teacher & had to tell me about it? She is a completely different child now. No respect or concern for others or anything. I don’t know how I will save her or my son, or myself for that matter.The hard truth is that the only blame lays with the cheaters. Their lack of self-control & extreme selfishness. Yes, there was issues in the marriage, but obviously other ways to correct them. Maybe by simply confronting them with me. The cheaters have no boundaries of right or wrong. How is my two teenagers ever going to understand boundaries now. It’s never right to cheat. I don’t feel sorry for any of you. This is a lifelong problem for the victims who will never completely recover. So all of you lonely woman: Just stop! Every one of you could make a difference. Even if you helped save one marriage,child & family. Think before being selfish & immoral. The whole world could change little by little.

  278. Anonymous

    Yes i have read all of these postings and let me tell you that someone entering into an affair with a partner, i.e. anyone unmarried is just as evil as someone who starts and affair when they now a person is married.
    I was in a 3 year relationship until very recently and he told me i was the love of his life, we had a fantastic sexual relationship which he said was the best he had ever experienced, we laughed together, cried together when things in each others family went wrong, liked the same hobbies, music and were happy to just sit and hold hands, then 2 years into our relationship he started to become a little distant on occasion when we were together so much so that i asked him if he was cheating on me and the answer was ‘no why do i need to, you are everything i need or want’. The year went by and just before Christmas 2009 he suddenly disappeared without making contact by txt, ‘phone, e-mail etc for 15 days until eventually i managed to get hold of him thinking he was ill. He told me he could not be the man i wanted him to be wtf i had never tried to change him into anything, i loved him for who he was.
    He once more told me he loved me and apologised for the time he disappeared on me and we got back on track. Then he suddenly started to say cruel things to me about how my neck was starting to sag, how i was looking older in general and various other unflattering comments which i laughed off at the time and told him not to be so superficial as everyone had to get ‘older’ even himself.
    I never imagined that he would be straying but eventually i found out quite by chance that for almost 18 months of our 3 year relationship he had been carrying on an affair with a co-worker. She did not know i existed nor did i her, and we were shocked when we both found out about each other. I went ballistic at him, not her, and he just stood there lips tightly closed and did not say a word. Needless to say even though i loved/love this man i can never ever think of reconciling with him as i feel i could never trust him again, he never gave me any inkling that he was cheating. None of the late night working, silent phone calls, smelling of perfume or any other clues and yet he had secretly been having sex with someone else which apart from putting my health at possible risk, made me imagine what they got up to in my head so for me there is no going back.
    I blame him for not having the courage to talk things through if he had any issues with myself instead of taking on board a lover he worked with. Well she is welcome to him, although he says she has ‘gone’ whatever that means as i now know he is a compulsive liar, cheat and what is called an emotionally unavailable man – he fits the description to a ‘T’. I would not be at all surprised if he has someone else apart from her and that is one of the things which worries me the most, did he have someone else while with me before he picked up with her!! These cheaters need to look at themselves and sort out why they feel the need to cheat, break off their original relationships before starting another and having the decency to apologise to the unsuspecting partner/other. I told the OW perhaps next time she chooses a man for herself to make sure he is not attached or even married. Sheesh, i feel like i have had a lucky escape and will get over him. Have some self esteem ladies/gents and if you cannot stick to your vows have the guts to confess and get out of the relationship and not just cheat behind your other halves back.

  279. Anonymous

    Well i wonder if people who indulge in affairs with married or unmarried people ever do stop to think about what they arereally doing? No matter whether they do worry, all affairs are wrong for whatever reason. The person who instigates the affair is dishonest because usually they are just wanting something they are not getting in their relationship at home, or they think they should have more be it sex or attention etc etc. Why cannot people just sit down and talk through what it is they are not getting in their relationship without resorting to getting involved with another person outside of the marriage/relationship. People who indulge in extra marital affairs or those who willingly enter into relationships when they know the other person is either married or attached are just evil, sad, selfish and cruel. The word sociopath springs to mind. Get a life all of you adulterers and pick someone who is free to have a relationship with you and not someone else’s man/woman.

  280. Anonymous

    Anytime, 167/174 – good luck with it all.

    I’ve found this site useful at various stages in my affair, including now, the aftermath. Sometimes I wonder why I keep coming back here, especially to read things like “you people have no integrity and you never will etc.” I wonder, frankly, if I’m being a little masochistic. But in a way, I think I come back to those comments in an effort to overcome a deep and longstanding, underlying belief about myself, that actually is precisely in alignment with those harsh judgments. I come back to hear those words in an effort to develop a real conviction of their absurdity and their pointlessness. I totally understand why people would say those harsh things, especially if they’ve been hurt by affairs, but I kind of suspect that an overload of exactly that kind of judgment early in life is what has led, in part, to my own predisposition to deny myself intimacy, as a kind of punishment, because I don’t think I need or deserve love, and then cave desperately when I find it, usually in some situation where I wasn’t looking for it (i.e., in the kind of relationships that turn into affairs).

    Those of you who are or who have been “other women,” I’m wondering, did a good portion of you start out your lives “on the wrong side of the tracks,” emotionally? Were you told you were selfish, bad, etc., from very early on? Because what strikes me about these horrible judgments (you’re pathetic, you’re sick, you have no understanding of right and wrong), is that this is what I already thought of myself — really, truly, and deeply — by the time I was five years old! Do you know how many things I have done in my life to try to prove that that’s not true? And how vulnerable and needy that effort has left me? How vulnerable to illicit relationships in particular?? And then to situations where I seem to be proving that those beliefs about myself are true after all?? I think I’m starting to understand that it’s pointless to try to defend myself in the face of those views, whether I’m 5 or 45, and whether the judgment comes from myself or others. If it was wrong to have that belief when I was a young child, it’s just as wrong now, no matter what I have or haven’t done in my life.

    There are many factors that predispose people to affairs — maybe some of you have a pattern like mine and can relate to what I’m saying. So, for those of you who want to condemn, go ahead. I’m not looking for your acceptance or understanding anymore. I’ll never get it, and that’s fine. But having said that, there’s a bit of a void. I’m still not sure what it means to look to myself for acceptance or understanding, or what difference that might make to my life.

    But I do know one thing. Sometimes when I look at us all, whether we’re pointing fingers at one another, gushing with positive or negative emotion, trying to defend ourselves, etc. (and I’ve done all of that on here and more), I kind of see why we’re having such problems in our relationships, and I feel a little sorry for us all. I think most of us try pretty hard, and are hurt, frustrated, and confused at not getting what we want, need, or think we deserve, and we don’t know what to try next. I like it when we help one another. It seems redemptive.

  281. Anonymous

    #167 here – thanks so much #168 for taking the time to reply. I feel like I am now at a crossroads in my relationship and am only just beginning to understand that I need to take control after ‘following’ for so long. Your questions will really help me to work out where ‘I’ am in all of this, and what my next step should be. Seems too easy to lose yourself in the relationship and run your life totally around the other person, whether it is convenient for you at the time or not, but I’m beginning to realise that it might not have to be that way. So it’s now time to take a good look at myself and my situation and your comments will be a great starting point – seriously they are much appreciated!! thanks again #168

  282. Anonymous

    #172, and others who make such comments (and I genuinely welcome you to the conversation), I don’t think the point is whether the cheated-on woman (or anyone else) has the right to be judgmental. Of course they have the right to be judgmental. I just don’t think that those judgments do much good in helping people to act from a better place (and they usually know that there IS a better place within themselves from which to be/act). I can’t see the good in denying anybody their integrity, even if their current behaviour isn’t a shining instance of it. I think it works better to appeal to people’s faith and integrity. Think of it: a good spanking will, in the short term, make any child stop doing something bad or annoying, but in the long run, it won’t produce anything but damage and, by extension, even worse behaviour. It’s not that different in adulthood. You don’t have to condone inappropriate or harmful behaviour to show compassion or understanding, or to defend a principle that you consider non-negotiable. It just takes a little effort to enlarge your heart and your mind. We can all afford to do that, can’t we?

  283. Anonymous

    #171 Any cheated on woman does have the right to judge you. What is wrong, is WRONG. A good person does not cheat period! You had every opportunity to guide this man with good advice to repair his marriage. You’re in denial if you think a good person can damage a family. You don’t know if this man is telling you the truth at all. Is he honest with his own wife. Stay away from him & encourage him to get help. Do the right thing! How can you remain friends with his wife! You are a very sick woman!

  284. Anonymous

    I am reading all of this and it sounds more and more like my life…….I have been involved with a married man for two years..the problem…besides the fact that he is married…I am 15 yrs older than he is…he has been a friend of the family for over 30 yrs…my late husband was his boss…and I am friends with his wife….what could be worse? I love him…I really do and he is using me I know that, because his wife is wealthy…he has a good life and she doesn’t provide what I do…the SEX….someone shoot me now….I am a loving, compassionate good person…and I know what I am doing is wrong…why can’t someone love me for the person I am…..I know what I have to do…its pain-full……very pain-full.And don’t any of you out there judge anyone..you do not know what you would really do in this situation..only God judges and FORGIVES…..do not get involved in a situation like this…its not worth it…..

  285. Anonymous

    #31 What fantasy are you living in? That’s how you’re going to justify your actions? You actually know nothing but what this MARRIED man is telling you. Live with him awhile & see how it goes & get back with me in 3 yrs.! #127 Injured parties are stupid wives? What does that make you? #96 You are religeous? Anyone who “decides” to cheat has serious character flaws. They have no idea the tragedy they are creating for wives, children, friends, parents, & businesses. No concience is involved whatsoever. Amen #114 & #32 You’re right on. Divorce shouldn’t be no-fault. This is a vow, a contract that has been destroyed. Ask all of the children of the injured spouse what they are feeling because of what dad did to mom. It lasts a lifetime. You home wrecking women have these married men for their little fantasy excursions. You have no way of knowing the truth about these men. If you would butt out these marriages would stand a far better chance of being saved than for your fantasy affairs to be successful. Where are the morals of you people? Where is the character & integrity? What is this saying to our kids? You need help probably more so that the married couples. Total destruction & devestation is all that you are creating. I almost feel sorry for you!

  286. Anonymous

    #31 you are pathetic! #118 why do people feel sorry for you? #96 religeous? Amen #114 & 153! You cheaters have no idea how much damage you do to entire families. You all have serious character flaws & no concience. Someday you will be on the other end of this tragedy. What do you all think it would be like in a year or two when the honeymoon is over? You have no idea what the injured parties in these sick affairs are like. These men are weak & lack honesty & integrity. Don’t you think they’re lying to you to? They’re looking for a shoulder & an escape. They don’t want what they already have. You immoral women grow a concience & some self-respect. You all ruin entire families. Kids! Parents! Friends! Businesses! Have any of you ever read the bible concerning marriage & fidelity? Have any of you ever been to a wedding & heard the vows? What other moral laws you break? There should be tougher divorce laws. No – NO FAULT – divorce should be acceptable. Many marriages could be saved if there weren’t so many willing paramours who get in the middle. You all disgust me!

  287. Anonymous

    I’ve been where you are, 167, and quite recently. I, too, found it helpful to connect with people here who were going through the same thing, especially those who showed some understanding that being in an affair does not automatically mean you are a personal and social pariah. I could write an essay of questions you could ask yourself, but first maybe start from the assumption that you’re an intelligent, decent person, and that you wouldn’t be in this relationship if you didn’t get something out of it (so, right from the get-go, dispense with any questions of whether you’re a worthy person). So, assuming that, what do you get out of your affair? What does your affair allow you to do that you might have a hard time doing otherwise? Do you need to be in your affair to get/do those things? Why or why not? What would you miss if you ended your affair? Can you find those things in other ways? Those are just a few questions. You can’t really ask yourself questions about how he really feels, because you have no real control over that part.

    As for me, I genuinely love my (former) affair partner. I can honestly say that I have never had that degree of physical, emotional, intellectual, or spiritual connection with anybody. I don’t really know if the same was true for him (though he says it was), but I know it was true for me. It’s been a couple of months since I ended the affair, and while I still want him back, I don’t want the affair back. He’s leaving town for a new job, without his partner. Maybe that will give everyone some space to gain some clarity. Maybe I will find in 3-6 months that I have moved on. Maybe I won’t. But I know that I experienced something I deeply wanted, and that I was and remain sincere in my intentions. That’s healing of a sort, for now. Good luck looking into your situation.

  288. Anonymous

    Hi, I’m new to posting but have looked at this blog many times and taken comfort from the fact that I’m not on my own in my situation. I am in a long term relationship with a married man and am at the stage where I’m realising that a lot of my own feelings, desires and anger have been repressed and I’ve just not dealt with them as I’ve been swept along and now both my relationship and my life revolve around when he can see me and talk to me. I am not wanting to end the relationship as we have been through too much together, but I feel I need to confront how I really feel and really don’t know where to start. How do I find out how I really feel deep down whilst I’m in the midst of the relationship and what questions do I need to be asking myself. Any guidance and relevant questions to ask myself would be much appreciated from anyone who has been where I am now.

  289. Anonymous

    a lot of time its the woman that is the other person.but i am a male and im the other person and it do not feel good to have to sneak around and she continues to use her children as a excuse.it hurts real simple

  290. Anonymous

    How nice of #64 to produce a lot of out-of-context facts mixed in with opinions.

    In any affair there is plenty of blame to go around; the cheated spouse, the cheating spouse and the other person share it to varying degrees. Betrayal is a double-edged sword. A spouse who becomes emotionally and/or physically unavailable; who rejects their spouse; or who takes their spouse for granted is just as much a betrayer as the spouse who began an affair.

    The person who is cheating very well might have an affair as a last resort. The person who was cheated on very well might have established an environment at home that was no longer tolerable. The other person might have just been in the right place at the right time.

    These all-or-nothing characterizations are useless. All they do is make the cheated spouse feel superior, and avoid accepting any blame in the matter.

  291. Anonymous

    I’m the lonely other woman – I’m 26 – and have fallen for a wonderful man. It’s been ten months and I want him to leave for him and not me. But I can’t walk away (I have tried and failed several times)

    I just want to be loved normally and have a relationship like the rest of my friends.

  292. Anonymous

    Very rarely does the man leave his wife for an affair partner. Plus how do you know that you are the only affair partner? He is using you as an escape.

  293. Anonymous

    After reading much of the above, It has given much insight to what I already knew…..I never stood in judgement of those having affairs, nor had I participated in an affair, up until recently.

    Those that have had affairs, like many of you have, there is that ephoric feeling of freedom, the ability to be able to share secrets of intimacy that you may not have felt in your previous relationshsips, the concept that this is happy ever after.

    For me there will be no happy ever after, has his partner has something I will never have…..The knowldge of her man.

    Knowledge is a powerful commodity, if you think you can bet that, think again ! ! ! !

    To all those that have written here, I thank you with all that I have, you have all given me the strength to acknowledge what is this really is……. A lie

    I will not be seeing this married man again, I’m thankful that his partner will never know the feelings of hurt and betrayal that I would have contributed to.

    Thank you