Most likely, you are in shock and feel as if the floor has opened up under you. Suddenly, there is an emergency and a strong need to take some action right away; you may have already left or thrown your partner out, or you may feel on the verge of doing so. But this may not bring you any real relief.

Your sense of safety, of trusting your own experience, of your place in the world, has suddenly been shaken to the core and the person you usually turn to for help is the very person who is the cause! You may swing from one extreme to the other; wanting to pull that person back in, very close to you, on the one hand, or get rid of him/her as fast as you can on the other. You want to be alone; you can’t bear to be alone. You want to confide in others; you want to hide what feels like a shameful secret. You just want to sleep, you can’t sit still. This is all normal.

You have experienced a psychological trauma. Chemical processes are occurring in your nervous system that leave you in a state of chronic hyperarrousal which can leave you feeling agitated, anxious, panicked, and sleep deprived. Your rage may feel uncontrollable. You may feel sick, be unable to eat, or stop eating. Your world is suddenly upside down, and narrowed, nothing else seems to exist except the affair. Your body eventually needs a respite from this state and you go numb, nothing seems real, you can’t feel anything and feel isolated and strangely disconnected from others. Then there is a reminder of what happend and you are plunged into the turmoil all over again. This is all normal.

Was I a Fool?

Finding a partner in life who you make yourself vulnerable to and develop a deep level of trust with; who allows you to feel safe in the world because you know they will be there for you and value you above all others, and who is working with you to honor the commitment you have made to each other is a developmental achievement. This achievement involves the ability to trust, and to allow yourself to depend on someone emotionally in some ways like children depend on adults. Current research into successful couples therapy demonstrates that when a couple can learn to be vulnerable with each other and seek each other out during times of emotional distress for comfort, the relationship becomes successful. In other words, your belief that your partner valued you above all others, just as children have that belief of their parents, was an important part of what allowed you to be who you were out in the world. You were not a fool to invest this energy into your partner, even if there were signs that he or she was not as trustworthy or present as you wished. Acknoweldging this reality is terrifying and it is natural to try to preserve a sense of safety in the world by dismissing evidence to the contrary.


At some point however, the evidence may have become too strong. At that point you may have tried to confront your partner. If they denied the affair, that did not put you at rest. As I have mentioned before, you started to have the sense that the relationship had a potentially life-threatening illness and became obsessed with getting an accurate diagnosis. Going through emails, cell phones, pockets, desk drawers to find confirming evidence of the affair is a natural response. It reminds me of the scene in the movie, Lorenzo’s Oil where Susan Sarandon, playing the mother of a boy who had an illness that no doctor could diagnose spent endless hours on the internet poring through myriads of medical journals until she found the diagnosis and cure herself. You were determined to prove you weren’t crazy, and perhaps save your relationship, or at least, yourself.

What Next?

No matter what the outcome of this discovery, you will only find peace one way, and that way is not easy. The most important thing to do is to allow yourself to experience and name your inner responses as they occur and work with making sense of them over a period of time. Try to stay close to your own needs and feelings and expect an emotional roller coaster for a while. You need a physical, psychological and possibly a spiritual space in which to do this. This might mean living separately, or with your partner, meeting with a therapist, meditating, journaling, going on a retreat, etc. After your initial outrage, you will naturally have many questions. Most of these will be for your partner, but there is one that is important for you to ask yourself, and that is, “besides the affair, is this a relationship that I, deep down, want?” Do you sense that you want him or her back out of desperation, or a genuine belief that you could have a fulfilling future together? If the relationship that you had before you discovered the affair feels truly worth saving, then there are questions that you will want to be asking your partner. If not, then you have the painful task of facing the reality that the affair was probably what is referred to as an “exit affair” affair, reflecting a truth for both of you.

If you are someone who has experienced one or more traumatic abandonments in the past that have not been worked through, whether from other partners, parents or siblings, this step is very difficult. Being abandoned again, even by someone you know isn’t right for you, will bring up those past experiences of trauma and make you feel like it is happening all over again. You will experience strong urges to avoid this at all costs. If you find yourself in this position, it is best to seek professional help.

If you have any sense that the relationship might be worth saving and want to start working things out, you will need information. To start to deal with what has happened, you will need to know what happened. Your natural urge will be to want to grill your partner about the affair. This is the first step in working things out for yourself, during which you will continue to decide if you want to work things out with your partner. There is information that you need to know that will help you and there is information you might feel you need to know that will simply be torturous and not assist you in regaining your sense of security. Initially, the most important things to find out are

  1. Is the affair still going on? If not, when did it end? Are they still in touch?
  2. Is your partner willing to end it? Does this seem believable and realistic to you?
  3. How and when did it start?
  4. Is your partner in love with with him/her?
  5. What does the affair mean to your partner?
  6. Was protection used during sex? Have you been expose to STDs?
  7. What means did your partner use to deceive you?
  8. Is the lover someone you know?

Although I list them as simple questions, each one represents discussions that need space to occur over a period of time.. There are other questions you will undoubtedly have, and there are some that will not help you heal, such as:

  1. Questions about explicit sexual details
  2. Repeating questions that your partner cannot or will not answer

The first is obvious. Filling your mind with sexual images of your partner and lover will not help you at all. You will struggle with this without getting explicit details, getting the details will just make it worse.

The second type of question is problematic because you may get an “I don’t know” or “I don’t remember” that doesn’t feel authentic and you want to pursue until you get the truth. The deception that you realize you have suffered is so painful, you don’t want another minute of it; you feel deserving of complete honesty now. And you are, it’s just that every time your partner reveals more of what has happened they are giving up more control, and this control is what they have been basing their own sense of security on. You can get caught in a cycle in which your partner feels more and more threatened and therefore less forthcoming if you keep hammering away at questions they can’t readily answer. So give it a rest and come back to it later. On the other hand, if your partner really doesn’t remember or know and you keep asking, they may make up an answer to placate you and end the agony for the moment, and that leaves you being lied to again.

With the information you have gained, you are in a position to reflect on what your course of action should be. It is very important that you find support for this from someone other than your partner. Your partner is in no position to help you in this process beyond answering your questions, because they are experiencing the enormous and sudden loss of control that comes with disclosure and may promise things that they can’t deliver in order to restore this sense. Although you are furious, you might feel compelled to protect your partner from the judgment of friends, family and even clergy. On the other hand, if it is not clear that your partner has ended the affair, you might be considering giving him or her an ultimatum. It also might be difficult to reveal the fact that you have been cheated on to those close to you, as if it is a bad reflection on you. It is important to think about who you can trust; who will listen to you without judgment and not assume they know what is best for you. Is there someone who can just help you sort it all out? If not, a therapist could be of help.

As I mentioned earlier, it is important to have a space to do this in. If you feel you need space, but don’t take it because you are afraid this will take away your control over your partner’s comings and goings, you will feel better in the short run, but maybe not in the long run.

Is There Hope?

Many couples heal from affairs and find their relationship is better than ever. New channels of communication can open in unexpected ways, and a new closeness and intimacy can develop. A study by Peggy Vaughn found that when the secret comes out, and the infidel reveals everything and takes responsibility for the behavior, 88% of the marriages were healed. However, when the infidel clams up, blames the affair on the marriage or lover and does not take responsibility or answer questions there is only a 55% success rate. You might be thinking this is easier said then done. Therapy can make a tremendous difference in the ability to process, repair, heal and eventually move on from this most difficult experience.

This Post Has 27 Comments

  1. Anonymous

    So I just found out my H of 15+ yrs had met someone at a bar and started seeing her….for about 6 weeks. Well, in the process of snooping I then found out he has been having “sex” with a male friend of ours also. I do not know this male friend well but I know who he is. I confronted him about the female and he apologized and said he would stop seeing her. I think he has but ……you never know. I have yet to tell him I know about the male. His drinking has increased from hardly drinking at all to almost daily……I don’t know if this out of guilt or trying to deal with his feelings. I have told him, I love him and want to work things out but if he can not be 100% mine and be happy then we should go our separate ways. He claims to love me and want to be with me. I sorta feel I am his “comfort zone” and his mask…..normal family guy appearance. Should I tell him I know about the male sex ??? Should I be done with it…him. The sex thing and STD’s has me freaked out…going to MD next week to get checked out.

  2. Anonymous

    Very helpful to me

  3. Anonymous

    Call the police. Your wife is causing this 16 year old lots of pain. This is illegal. Then go to counseling for you and your daughter. This is painful, but it is your duty to take care of this now. Best of luck to you.

  4. Anonymous

    I need some help. My wife and i have been sleeping at other places for the last 2 weeks. She works with teenagers at a school. After the feeling in my gut, i went ahead and checked her phone records and facebook page. For the last 3 months she has been talking/texting a 16 year old boy. I am in complete shock. She says that the kid has issues and that its not a sexual relationship, but she is having feelings for him. We have a 3 year old daughter which is my life. She has dealt with a loss of her own child 7 years ago and is super over protective of our daughter. She is a good mom. But do i contact the police or just get a divorce and move on. Help!!!!

  5. Anonymous

    I am comment 19 and 21: Guess what, I have decided not to have sex with this woman at work…..and to break all contacts with her…..have chosen my family instead….. It was such a hard decision, it’s like quitting an addiction…I felt physical sick when I deleted her number…. but I know it is the right decision…. Some people who haven’t been in this situation might find that obvious, but I am proud of myself to resist any emotional or full blown affair!!!! I know I’m still a pig, but I made the right decision…..for once……wish me luck, to stay away from the dark side…..x

  6. Anonymous

    I SAY CRAP to your suggestion that I cannot or should not ask details or press for answers on why my WW did the things she did for her affair partner and press for answers she refuses to answer…I did not Abuse her or hurt her in any way…She says she was BORED…are u f-ing kidding me…I have gotten a lot of details and her response wiil determine if she stays or if I show her the door.


    If they are not answered to my satisfaction….she can deal with my attorney.

  7. Anonymous

    I know I’m a pig but Its just for the sex…..I think that’s the main reason people cheat on eachother..they just don’t get it as exciting at home…and that’s when it falls apart…..

  8. Anonymous

    you are a discusting pig, I just found out my husband cheated on me, you hav eno idea what im going through right now. i want to die.. i cant sleep, eat or work.. I wish you have experienced that pain before even thinking about doing it

  9. Anonymous


    I am a 45 year old man, 12 years married with 2 lovely kids. I asked a woman at my work, she is 40 years and single, her mobile and have been texting very sexy messages, which she likes and now she wants to have sex with me at work…I do get excited about the thought of it but what’s wrong with me? I would love to do it with her, but knows it will destroy my family… Am I just a pig? Help please

  10. Anonymous

    March 20th 2013 at 12.39pm to my previous comment the other night this girl taunted me at a bar I saw red and grabbed her telling me to leave me alone…. She laughed and I grabbed her hair causing a 4 minute brawl this evil woman who I agree I should not have grabbed called police…. I spent 7 hrs in a cell as she had friends lie about saying I did worse but thankfully for the police it proved them otherwise…. Because of this girl I was given a police caution on my records for 100 years now and lost my career I just worked and studied hard for for 3 years….. Because of his stupid actions it has cost me my future…. How can I move on when I have nothing left….. My world has fallen around me

  11. Anonymous

    Hi I found out on valentines that my h was having an affair, after she (his affair) rang me calling me every name under the sun after he hasn’t gone to live with her that week she put 2 /2 together realising he wasn’t leaving me for her…. So he had no option but to tell me what he had been up to…. What hurts more is its a friend of his cousin I was good friends with who knew about this and I had an incline back in December questioning him having an affair with this girl…. Making me feel I was going mad and all in my head… 2 weeks prior to finding out he had a new mobile contract came in post with a SIM card contract which i questioned him about… To find out he got it for her!!!! He has ended it with this girl so he says before I had found out as realised he was being a fool…. And begging me stay with him but I just don’t know what to do… I love him but feel totally betrayed and hurt how he could do this to me and my children are so attached to him after being a good friend for many years and us being an item for 4 years now!!! Top it off the stupid girl has been harassing and stalking me, I changed my mobile number as she got hold of it sending me messages and ringing me to find out where I am… How can I move on with my life with this happening…. We never spoke so much like we have this last 3 weeks telling me his deepest feelings, and I melt when he’s around me… I feel I’m not strong enough to leave him yet don’t know if I can move forward either… I feel I’m to blame as if I not argued with him over not doing enough or maybe asking too much would he have still done it??

  12. Anonymous

    Hi I just found out that my wife is having an affair again .i am married for 27 years and this is not the first time I had to deal with this ? First it was with the ex- boyfriend firm school she denied having sex with him in 2005 .then it was with another guy from her country who made all kinds of comments abt her underwear? Then another guy on face book that she also denied when I confronted her abt that .and now a guy at her work she started emailing and when I confronted her about this one ,she turns around and says its because I don’t show her I love her?? Before all of this stuff nothing was amiss in our marriage ,so why blame me for all of this infidelity that she allowed into our lives ??????? Help what do I do I cannot take this kind of instability anymore????? Am I to blame for this ,and how do I handle this ??? I just want to love her but its been very difficult to do that given what I have gone through in this short space of time ?.. Is it too much to ask just for commitment and honesty in this relationship

  13. Anonymous

    My husband has cheated on me once, a few years ago. He was in a pretty bad mental and emotional space at the time and was very heavily into internet porn and online chat. There was a couple in our social circle at the time who were pure destruction – everyone who came into contact with them got burned in some way. My husband was invited to a 3-some with them and said yes. At the time it was horrible and I wasn’t sure we could get through it – but we worked through it and I thought we had gotten past it. A few hours ago I was looking for an old document that I had saved to his log-on on the computer and found a list of passwords to five “interactive” porn sites. Porn doesn’t worry me much in small doses – but I checked out the sites using his log on and discovered that one of them is a gay chat site where he had listed himself as looking for some online Skype action. I’m so scared he’s setting himself up for another fall. How on earth am I supposed to confront him about this?? Should I even bother? What if this is just the tip of the iceberg…

  14. Anonymous

    I have found your website to be tremendously insightful, largely objective and one of the true resources I have found after countless hours, days and weeks now searching the internet.

    Please let me tell you my story. Yes, I began an affair with someone at work, I approached this person, after much thought and actually years of sparked eyes. I’m married. Enough about me… the man I chose, technically he is ‘single’. Get this, he is now 52 years of age, we started our affair now three years ago. I worked up the courage knowing in my heart my marriage was over and justified him because I told myself ‘well, he’s not even really married’ … in spite of the fact that he has lived with his partner now 18 years. Complicated? Not yet. I struggled the first year always wondering about so many things, why did he never marry? why did he never have children? Why? So odd I thought. About a year into our relationship he broke down and told me that, here’s the bombshell, he has never, ever, never had sex with his partner. Boom! What?? He went on to say in his late 20’s he did some stupid things, got caught up gambling and lost his job over it. A girl he knew at his work, more of a friend, they had started to develop a small relationship, kissing that’s all. Any time it went to go past that she would hold back and say he had to ‘commit’ to her. So anyway, when he lost his job, she was there for him as support. So I guess since that time he has felt he ‘owed’ her, because she was there when he was at a low point in life. I should go on to say that this man, he never had a father, father left when he was little. He grew up extremely poor and learned to expect little in life, count on nothing, he had nothing. His partner? I understand her father cheated on his wife when she was a teenager and she lost her mother to cancer. She terminated her relationship with her father and has never spoke to him since. She is the ‘good catholic girl’. He doesn’t go to church. He’s social. She is not. He loves intimacy, cuddling, physical sex, she of course does not. So in 18 years there was never talk of marriage, children or sex. At different points throughout the years he actually paid for sex. Which at first I was disgusted, not sure I could get past, but I came to realize he did that out of loyalty to her, he didn’t really want to ‘cheat’ on her but he is human, needed human touch. For at least 10 years now they haven’t even cuddled, no kissing other than a peck. What they have in common is their work, the industry they work in. It seems throughout the entire 18 years the relationship was more of a sibling, or arranged partnership. Again, in my mind he expected so little for himself, he knew she was a ‘good woman’, financially they both continued successful careers and have a ‘nice life’with regards to a nice home, money in the bank, expensive cars, etc., both are I believe appreciative of that. He has always told me he wold leave when the time came. I will not leave my husband, my relationship because I have a teenage daughter. I feel it would be selfish to disrupt her life and I do not want to be a part time mom. Teenage years are fragile and my husband and I do not argue, we just live an ’empty’ marriage, go about the days, do what needs done, so I don’t feel I’m harming my daughter either by staying. So to continue, I haven’t pressured him to leave, because I can’t. At the same time we’ve had multiple conversations on just why he hasn’t left his partner. I don’t understand I would say, you don’t have children, you aren’t married, there is no poor health, there is no financial dependence (they both have very good jobs). And selfishly I would say I hate that he is there, felt that he and I could have more quality time if he wasn’t with her, wouldn’t have to sneak quite as much, or go to hotels which you quickly grow old of. Anyways … here’s the next bomb … the wife just found out about the affair. She found a receipt in his pocket. She approached him, he did not deny it. He has not provided her with one single detail, not answered one single question and instead redirects her when she asks to focus on their relationship, why this has happened instead of the details of the affair. He says he does not want her to know for two reasons, being he doesn’t want me attacked or my daughter or family, he says details of the affair would only cause her more pain and aren’t helpful and lastly because he says he is truly trying to get her to realize that there is nothing in their relationship, never has been. She found out two weeks ago. There have been many long, long conversations. She’s firm, she wants to WORK IT OUT? Uh, what??? Work what out? What did you have? He has only said to her that he is sorry he has hurt her. He has not told her he wants to work it out but redirects her again about not even having common values, not having intimacy, ever. She made a comment that she hasn’t ever had sex with him because ‘how could she trust him because of his gambling problem?’ Well, excuse me, that was 18 years ago, he was in his 20’s. Personally I think she has used that as an excuse and clearly she just doesn’t have any sexual desire. She even made the comment she has never really been happy, that he has never ever looked at her with adoring eyes (she never has either), that true chemistry wasn’t even ever there. She stated “she just always hoped it would get better”. He was crushed by this comment, here she was never happy, he stayed all of this years out of guilt, not wanting to hurt her because she had been there for him. And now she actually verbally acknowledges, she just hoped it would always get better. So is she crazy? What is it that she wants to save???? He doesn’t know what to do because she isn’t giving up so he’s now to the point he is going to have to tell her flat out, look it’s over, I’m leaving. Let’s talk about the house and the bank accounts. Your words in the article above caught me. Does she want to save the ‘relationship’ out of fear? I think you hit the nail on the head, is it that she no way ever wants to face what her father did to her mother so she will fight like have to keep what she has even if it’s nothing because it’s safe, the security? How can she as a woman even truly believe she is entitled to a relationship when she has never once even been intimate or had sex with her partner? How? And is it what you say above, when the relationship has little intimacy there is actually nothing much to lose so the person is much more forgiving, willing to overlook. I keep saying to him, ask a million therapists, I don’t believe you will ever, ever, ever find one who heard the story about a ‘couple’ who stayed together for 18 years, never married, no children, no health issues, no emotional intimacy, who never ever ever had sex ONCE??? Can you answer me that? I’m completely lost. Sometimes I tell him I’m not sure I believe it myself, it’s so completely odd. But I do, because why would he tell me all of the negatives, his mistakes, that he paid for sex? And I should add that he isnt any creepy monster, when he paid for sex it was once or twice a year sometimes going a year or two without anything at all. I actually feel so extremly sad for both of them. I truly believe both of their childhoods contributed to the ‘why did they stay’, ‘how did this happen’. But it is just so unbelievable to me. Someone, please, just explain to me. And what can he do to get her to see the light, he wants her to be happy, to find someone who adores her, he wants that too.

  15. Anonymous

    My husband, best friend, father of my child said everyday he loved me and how much he missed his beautiful family while he worked away until about 12 weeks ago he rang me and said he no longer loved me and couldnt help his feelings. He . denied having an affair but 3 weeks ago it was confirmed that he is having an affair with a 23 year old girl, he is 44.
    I’m have devastated, never saw it coming and neither did anyone else who have always considered us the perfect married couple. Our children and I have been dragged along on his midlife crisis ride which has been emotionally and financially draining to the point I don’t know what to do.
    All the more harder is that my husband is the bread winner, I have no income because I am stay at home mum and renovating an investment property we only bought 12 weeks ago which is imperative I finish because we need to rent it out or sell it because it is a huge financial strain while husband is leading his double life. And did I mention that he redrew on our mortgage for a new car.
    Those of you who are reading this must think I am crazy to have anything more to do with this deceitful lying hurtful human being who I call my husband but I have lots of choices to make but which one is the right choice.
    I have resided myself to the fact that he’s not coming back to his 48 year old wife who I might add is still beautiful for her age, and you need to tell yourself this people in exchange for a pretty blonde 23 year old who opens her legs when he wants. The truth is I do not want him in my life but do I keep him there purely for financial convenience or do I try and get $200k and run. Pretty sure you’d all being feeling me take the money and run, however this is not enough to buy me a home to house myself and our kids. I am 48?and probably not all that employable so you can see my dilemma. Always so much easier when there are two of you sharing the assets and the bills.

  16. Anonymous

    I found out my H was having an affair, I did ask him and confronted him but he denied everything, I was sure it happened because I found messages and he said he was only talking to somebody in the phone, that nothing happen and it was just a game. I didn’t believe it so I got in touch with his Girlfriend and pretending that I was “her Friend” I convinced her confront him and we did. I was the best day of my life!!! he was in shock, his face was white as a paper and I felt so good to show him that I was not stupid and that I will do whatever it takes to get things straight, I want to make sure that if I was going to even think about forgetting him that we (him, me and her) were all in the same page, I told him that I didn’t need him (money wise) I told her that he was free to go with her, I told him that he was going to be able to see his kids with no problem, and I made it really easy for him to walk away with her. I wanted to make sure that the girlfriend know that I was not a bitch, and that I was not retaining him with kids or money, I also told him that we were going to end the marriage. He ask for fogginess on front of her and told me that she didn’t mean anything that just an exiting moment, she left and he stay. we are working things out and now he is aware of what I am capable of doing, I wont be a fool again. he only has this chance, I felt that after 10 years my family deserve a second chance, I know that by this I am at risk because for him a second chance can mean that he will really appreciate all he has and work to me it better every day or it can mean that if I forgotten once I will do it again, Trust is not there any more and it will be a while before we build that again, I will do my best and will not give more opportunities. if this happens again at least I will be able to say that I tried and it will be easy for me to leave. but to all those wives out there: affairs are not about you. it is not your fault and it has nothing to do with you, that is a big lie, affairs is an option our husband take and them and only them are the only responsible for it, it is not because you are not having enough sex or because your not that pretty (most of the wives are better that the lovers)or because you didn’t do this or that. that is just BS to justified themselves, if you love and are committed then you work things out, and remember forgive is not been weak if forgive not because of the other but because for yourself. and also know that they are many man that can just not be just with one person and if that is the case of your husband you only have to options either you ignore it and keep been the “happy wife” (I’m sure that this gay probably has so many good things that is maybe worth it to let him have an affair once in a while) or you leave him, both options are fine if you are HAPPY with them. it all about YOU!!!!

  17. Anonymous

    I know how you feel iv been married for 20 years i found out my husband was having an affair with his first wife for 3 years he said he only slept with her twice!! she was asking him to leave me but told her no she got angry and her husband rang and told me all I felt sick….This was in Sept I found out I have tried my best to put it behind me but bows he says he can’t get aroused iv made all the running to try and get back on track with him he says it’s not because of her that he can’t make love to me…I even got him some viagra he is not making an effort and iv told him this….the other day I saw that he has been watching porn at first he denied it and then said he watched it because he was bored..I have surprised my self that I even took him back but iv done all the running but after seeing that he has been watching porn and I told him he must prefer that to me he said no I’m 58 he is 57 what should I do.

  18. Anonymous

    I’m 7 months pregnant and just found out my husband is attempting an affair. This isn’t the first time, I found out he was having an affair a week before I found out I was pregnant and that was with a different woman. He ended it and I thought we were working things out with a new baby coming, then this week he started acting weird just like before and so I went thru his phone and read the text messages. I’m so hurt and angry, I don’t know what to do. I wish there were some magic answers so those of us being cheated on would know exactly what to do and how to make the pain immediately stop. I’m trying to hold it together for the baby, but honestly I have been crying for about 4 hours…I know I will heal in time but I really hate waiting.

  19. Anonymous

    I just need I suppose to tell someone about my problem. I ve been here before. The signs are so recognisable. I’ve had my suspicions for the past 4-6 weeks.

    The signs are all there.
    1. he’s so unhappy. When I challenged him, it was about the change of clocks and the darkness and how depressing it was.
    2. Doesn’t engage in any meaningful conversions with me. Just forcing himself to answer with one word answers.
    3. Doesn’t touch me anymore. The goodbye /hello kiss is just on his part tight closed lips.
    4. When i got into bed and tried to cuddle him, I can feel him recoiling, like he’s had acid poured on him.
    5. Text and calls at 6/7 in the morning. I pretend to be asleep, but i hear it. When i’ve entered the room, even though his mobile phone cover is on i see the light of the phone in the darkened room.
    6. secret dinners (incidentally , in the 25 years he’s taken me out for dinner or should I say lunch once!!) Tells me it’s a friend from the gym, thats it.

    You know what, its the mind games. Telling me he’s going to dinner, leaving me wondering who what where…….

    Today I had it confirmed, that an affair is going on.

    In the past I would have followed, checked, spied . I can’t any more. I’m so tiered mentally. I shouldn’t have to do this after 25years. To be frank its not even about if he’s having sex with the guy. We haven’t done it for ages. We’ve both strayed in the past. He’s always looked for something else on a more cerebral level. I’ve known I was never enough for him.

    I have a sick father with dementia which takes up so much of my energy, my 80 year old mother has her issues too. I’m fighting for my business as its really tough right now.

    I know the only reason he’s not going out nights etc is because the other person has a partner too.

    If he could he would spend nights out i’m sure.

    I dont know what to do. Do I confront or do I just muddle along and hope it fizzles out like the times before.

    He unilaterally decided ‘lets not bother with christmas presents this year’ . I bet the other gets a nice prezzie. Well Im gonna get him one anyway. He doesn’t have too.

    I get anxious when i’m coming home knowing he’ll be in a mood and not wanting to be with me.

  20. Anonymous

    My partner already has a son from a relationship in the past. My partner and I became an item three years ago, after a year she had an affair she even had her neighbour have the guy waiting in her house until I had left our house so that he could just pop over and do the doings. I left her and went to live with my parents, the affair ended (or so I was led to believe) and she came over asking me to come back to her as if nothing had happened, she told me she had always loved me and missed me, to prove her love and commitment she wanted us to cement our relationship with a child and sibling for her little boy. I fell for this and moved back to our home. We eventually had a little girl in June this year,( we have not made love since she gave birth) our daughter is only 16 weeks old and I am back at my parents. My “EX” partner is now pregnant again carrying the child of a married Police officer, the Police officer knew about me but my “EX” partner did not know the Police officer was married, since he found out she is pregnant he has bolted, I have also been informed that my “EX” partner has been obtaining money from the guy who she had the affair with before the Police officer by claiming our daughter is his. Some people like my “EX” partner will carry on & on with this type of life with a complete disregard for other peoples lives and feelings, even her children will be affected by all this. I now have my rucksack on my back,the tickets booked and off to see my friends around the world, this is the only way I can see some sort of happiness for myself.

  21. Anonymous

    I just figured out my husband is having an affair by phone and text messages. we have been working on our marraige and I don’t know if I should confront fim?

  22. Anonymous

    I found out my partner has been having an affair for 4months, two months after i gave birth he started cheating on me. His lover rang and disclosed all the glory details to me and informed that he had been arrested and had asked for me. My world has been thrown in tumoil, confronted him over the phone he kept silent, told him its over. Finding it hard to cope, cant sleep, eat trying to stay active, trying not to fall into depression for my daughters sake. Life is hard, no one knows what am going through. His still detained by the police there is no way i will go and visit him, wish the pain would go away but it doesnt.

  23. Anonymous

    I recently found out that my H had an affair with his co worker 2007. He said they only had sex three times the affair during he 3yrs they were friends. The first time without protection during their business trip. The second and third in her car using protection. When I confronted him 1/19/2011 is when he stopped all texting and calls. He said he had to be friends with her because they work together. I’m hurt, angry, confused, and in lots of pain. We been married for 15years and known each other for 20years. We have to beautiful sons, 11yrs and 9yrs. We just celebrated our sons birthday and anniversary. I’m sadden by this because my H knew how I felt before we got married about affairs because I told him what my mom went through with my dad. During our 8th year of marriage, I constantly reminded him to be patient with me because I am always tired and taking care of the boys (I am a housewife). Then 3years ago I looked him in the eyes and ask if he was having an affair and he said “NO!”

  24. Anonymous

    My ex-wife-to-be followed similar patterns…she cheated on her first husband…has now done the same with me, her second husband…and undoubtedly, will repeat the pattern with her next lover/husband/whatever…

    I clearly see that my life will be vastly improved by getting away from her “bi-polarness”, something she has been diagnosed with but never owned up…just as she has not owned up to the affair…at least to me…

    I would agree that your mental and physical health do suffer, and I’ve felt an enormous relief even though I had to deal with some short-term pain…

  25. Anonymous

    Hi #2, Unfortunately, this seems to be the norm. My H has been doing the same things to me. Don’t blame yourself. He sounds like a sociopath. It would seem that if you are dealing with a sociopath, there is that lack of ability to tell the truth even when confronted with undeniable evidence. That’s when it progresses to gaslighting. Fortunately for me, I have educated myself on this behavior and I am able to battle the gaslighting that he attempts to do to me when I confront him. Do yourself a favor and just walk away forever! Don’t get stuck like I am. Your mental and physical health will begin to suffer. Count your self lucky that he kicked you out!!!!!

    I wish you the best!

  26. Anonymous

    My husband began an affair prior to our first wedding anniversary. He asked me for a divorce eight months later. He has since become angry, verbally, emotionally and mentally abusive… blaming me for the demise of the relationship and still not admitting to the affair. The woman moved into my home one week after he kicked me out. He has had affairs before on his previous wife (before me). I was wife #3. He has taken an offensive position, telling me I was to blame, this was all my fault, if I had been better, different, etc. he would not have divorced me. Still, no acknowledgement of the affair. 🙁

  27. Anonymous

    Thank you.

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