Affairs in film and television series are often portrayed as exciting adventures, fun and mischievous; a way of breaking free from oppression… a conduit to a joyful existence. Embarking on an affair can seem like a solution to marital difficulties that have led to boredom, depression, low self-esteem or intense loneliness.

The reality of the experience of an affair is almost always very different. The explosion of brain research in the last decade has shed light
on some of what actually happens physiologically. There are major changes in how the brain functions when one is infatuated, in love, and also when one is keeping a secret.

Falling in Love

Two major brain changes take place during infatuation.

The first is a flood of the neurotransmitter dopamine. One of the functions of dopamine is to heighten the sensation of pleasure. Dopamine also increases energy, hence that first animated, exciting conversation. Another interesting part of the dopamine response is that the next time one sees that person, before even talking to them, dopamine again floods the system. This person has now become associated with intense pleasure.

The second change is that the level of another neurotransmitter, serotonin, decreases. There are three effects associated with decreased serotonin levels that are important to understand here. The first is the subjective feeling of emptiness. The second is obsessive anxiety. The brain literally runs the person away from the emptiness towards the person who has become the object of the obsession. The third effect is sleep disturbances, which I’ll discuss later.


Let’s say these brain changes are resolved by going ahead with the affair. Now the hormone oxytocin floods the system. Oxytocin is associated with love. It is released during hugging, kissing, and cuddling and it makes you want to do these things more. It makes you more emotionally open in general, which is why many people during the earlier stages of affairs experience an enhanced sense of well-being and believe that the affair is good for them or sometimes even for their marriage. The more time spent with the affair partner, the more oxytocin is released, which again increases the desire for emotional intimacy with the person who is the object of the obsession.

Keeping the Secret

A part of the brain called the cingulate cortex is essential to our emotional responses. It is wired to tell the truth. The cingulate cortex signals other regions of the brain to share information so it can move on to more important functions, like planning and problem-solving. But when a secret is locked inside, the cingulate cortex is not allowed to perform its natural functions. Instead, the cortex becomes stressed and releases stress hormones, such as cortisol.

This is where the negative effects start to cascade. Increased cortisol levels negatively affects attention, memory, blood pressure, appetite, digestion, metabolism, and sleep to name a few.

Not getting enough sleep can lead to mood swings, depression, irritability, difficulty controlling one’s temper, and, when faced with a perceived threat, the “fight or flight” response. Physiologically, speaking, we can see why people in affairs can get angry or withdrawn when questioned about it by their spouses.  Interestingly, recent research also shows that lack of sleep decreases one’s capacity for empathy and makes people more self-involved emotionally.

Research also shows that the brain becomes desensitized to lying.  The first lies about infidelity are experienced as the most  stressful and guilt inducing.  This is related to the sometimes unbearable feeling of keeping a one night stand a secret from one’s spouse, even if the intention had been to do so.  However, if the encounter turns into an ongoing affair, which requires many lies, the brain adjusts and lying can come to feel like a matter of course.  For someone who has not engaged in much lying up until this point, this transformation can leave one feeling unrecognizable to oneself.  Once the affair is revealed, this sentiment is often repeated by the spouse.  I often hear, “I don’t know who you are anymore.”

The Antidote

What I have described above has many similarities to the physiological effects of addiction . The antidote to addiction is, of course, stopping and facing withdrawal. Withdrawal from a love relationship has been shown to be physiologically similar in intensity and quality to withdrawal from heroin.  No wonder so many people in unhappy relationships are afraid to let go.

But an affair is only an affair as long as it is a secret. Coming clean about an affair might mean disclosing it to one’s spouse.  Although this can be extremely painful, there can also be a kind of relief, even if it means facing extreme marital discord for a while, including the threat of divorce.  Another option is disclosing to a therapist where the costs, benefits and meanings of what has happened can be explored.

Once the affair is disclosed, the next step can become self-evident. This might mean ending the affair. It might mean living on one’s own for a while. It might mean ending your marriage. (Some affairs are unconscious attempts to do this.) It might mean talking with a therapist individually about what has happened to you and clarifying feelings and priorities. It might be an opportunity to explore issues in your marriage that you thought you could never address with your spouse, with a marriage counselor.

I have seen hundreds of individuals and couples struggling with these issues. If you are thinking that individual psychotherapy or marriage counseling may be beneficial and you live in the San Francisco Bay Area, please feel free to contact me at 925-948-0562 or at  If you live outside of the area, please visit my “Links” page for a geographical listing of therapists who are especially effective with affairs.

This Post Has 12 Comments

  1. Anonymous

    My wife are in our late seventies and we have been married for 54 years and have been retired for over a decade. Our marriage has been fraught with some periods of tension, but has been good overall. We have two adult children, both very successful in their careers..About two months ago my wife blurted out of the blue that I would not like or love her if I knew what a bad person she was and that she wished I would stop complimenting her as she had done, in her words, very bad things in our marriage. I was stunned when she confessed that she had engaged in an affair with a surgeon at the hospital where she worked as an RN in the early 70’s, over fifty years ago, and that not only had the affair lasted for about a year, but that our first son was the product of the affair, and she had successfully passed off the child as mine. I was devastated. Incredibly, the affair had been almost exclusively conducted on the hospital property, in a suite of rooms, like a small apartment reserved for the use of Residents on call, and visiting doctors with privileges at that hospital. There was no chance then of credit card information or other ways to trace their illicit social activity. Furthermore, the affair resumed about five years later when the same surgeon reappeared in our small Southern California town, and there was both an emotional affair that lasted clear into his retirement and intermittent physical episodes conducted under the guise of my wife visiting friends in the seaside community where the medical lotus rip had retired. As far as I can tell the affair lasted until about three years before his death from early onset prostate cancer at the age of 67. Ironically appropriate I suppose. I am still trying to process the bombshell my wife dropped, as I alternate between anger, despair and a sense of not recognizing who my wife had become. Everything in my life has been altered forever, not least in my relationship to her and my son. I am flabbergasted by her selfish and arrogant behavior.. although reading this treatise on how he brain functions in an affair, more should e done on how the rain of the betrayed spouse is completely and permanently altered for the worse too.

  2. Anonymous

    I have four children and have been married for fourteen years since I was 19. I’ve been in an affair for the last four months. It does feel just like what an addict seems to feel with chemical addiction. It feels so good and so bad at the same time. I’m so tired of hurting my spouse but at the same time I have always wanted out of the marriage. I love Jesus and have been very involved in church and teaching my kids about Jesus. I don’t know what has happened. This article was so informative and made me feel like I was not alone.

  3. Anonymous

    I feel compelled to add to urgency to my post below.

    My counselor and other professionals have said that the cognitive load of my husband’s decades of duplicity (“keeping the secret”) did not cause his dementia.

    However, it likely caused his dementia symptoms to begin as much as TEN YEARS earlier than if he’d been honest from the start.

    Again, please spare yourself and those you love. GET HELP NOW.

  4. Anonymous

    If you are addicted as described in this article, get help NOW. Let your spouse make an informed choice about the marriage NOW. Get out of the affair NOW. Do it for your sake, your spouse’s sake, your children’s sake. YOU WILL BE FOUND OUT EVENTUALLY, anyway.

    My husband of now over 40 years began an affair in the mid-90s with a woman he’d intermittently until retirement in 2014 hooked up with at conferences and elsewhere. I had NO inkling. He was always (otherwise) kind to our children, kind to and sexually intimate with me, beloved at work… We had what seemed an ideal life.

    However, I discovered the affair in 2017 when he needed help with his cell phone. He was diagnosed with dementia in 2012, but by then, as this article indicates, he was deep into the addiction. The sexual part had ended with the venue disappeared, but the chemical part hadn’t.

    At least the truth about who he’s been for well over half of our marriage is out before he dies. And when he could still, over the course of a terrible year, he dripped out the details to me, bit by bit. Sometimes, he’d tell me one thing, then correct it. He’d save so much evidence of the affair, though, that I’d have figured out his lying and cheating sooner or later, anyway.

    Our children, who learned about this accidentally, and I are DEVASTATED. Too late, my husband is horrified by all of the fallout.

    I’m still his caregiver. He’s highly dependent on me. Many a spouse might not stay, but I have. It’s been a torment for both of us.

    Consider what your legacy WILL BE if you don’t make yourself an HONEST person now, before you no longer can.

  5. Octavio

    I finally was able to get my wife to tell me and everyone about her feelings and how she is trying to move on. She is sorry that she did what she did but the guy has done this with another woman. I know that they had a connection but I think that its because my wife has the most amazing caring heart. She was having to move from having all of our children needing her to all of them in school and her questioning everything that she was. I always worked and provided for them but it was not enough. I knew she had been having an affair for almost a year. I was trying to get it out in the open but was unable to because of what seemed to be a soap opera that has so many twists and turns.

    I am now trying to put everything together. She has said that there are two choices; divorce or trying. I have had many break downs because she has continued to defend the guy. She is mad that I told him to stop talking to her and wanted to keep his friendship with him but how can you allow that when you know that it was him that was chasing after her? He honestly is the guy that everyone associates with being dishonest, self absorbed and manipulative. He went back to his wife but continued to dangle her on the hook and she continued to want that. The issue I am having is that I know that she has lied about what she really wants to my face. I want to trust her because I have such a connection with her but how can you trust someone that wanted someone that bad and did all she did to cover it up. She has said that we will always be friends and that to me seems like the end is near. Facebook is the source of all this because of how easy it is to approach someone on there.

    What can I do but trust that I am going to be the one that she wants. I know that the big issue that she now has is that she is used to the comfortable lifestyle I have given her as well as the kids and their involvement in different activities. She also has told me time and time again that she does not want to tell me the truth because she does not want to hurt me.

    What can someone that is trying to getting past this do?

  6. Kyle

    WOW, Awesome. Excellent article.

    I am in year four of an affair with a married woman. I am not the first she has had an affair with. Her spouse emotionally abused her for their entire marriage, and she has had several breakdowns (anxiety depression).

    She wants to end her marriage, but he has severe anger issues, and she fears for her safety. He has OCD and anger issues. But, he has never physically hit her.

    We both have adult children
    We are committed to live the rest of our lives together.

    But need help in how to move forward under these challenging conditions.

  7. Anonymous

    So so glad I read this. I would do anything to get out of the affair but I can’t. It’s having an awful impact on my health and I just wish everything would end for me.

  8. Anonymous

    Wow best article I’ve read by far on this topic. I’m experiencing everything that’s written here, and still trapped.

  9. Anonymous

    Don’t forget to remember your spouse. The longer your affair continues the harder it is to repair and rebuild. You might think 3 or 4 years, what’s the difference? But once it’s all out she or he will look back and everything you did and said during that time will mean nothing and will be a huge slap in the face! To all of the spouses who are doing the cheating please put yourself in their position and if you can truly say you would be okay with everything you are doing, then go ahead. But I can’t imagine any human being okay with being deceived on a daily basis for months or even years. Why not make a choice and pick one? It can not stay this way forever and if you wait till your spouse finds out you might loose everything!! Have some compassion for the person you vowed to love and cherish and make a choice!

  10. Anonymous

    Great article very interesting explains a lot and makes sense based on what I am feeling in year 3 of my affair.

  11. Anonymous

    This is all so true. I wish I had never got involved in the deception of an affair. It felt so good (at first) but now the highs don’t outweigh the lows. I can’t break free – it hurts too much.

  12. Anonymous

    Excellent article! Thank you.

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