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Healing Infidelity The Importance of Finding Meaning

Healing Infidelity The Importance of Finding Meaning

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When couples get stuck trying to emerge from the emotional devastation of an affair, it feels awful. The same hurtful arguments are repeated over and over, resulting in scabs yet again being torn off emotional wounds, and new injuries being inflicted. After a while it can seem like divorce is the only answer. It may feel counter-intuitive, but many couples do recover from the devastation of infidelity and go on to have a relationship that they never thought was possible….

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How Do Affairs Affect Children? Part I

How Do Affairs Affect Children? Part I

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In this post I will address how children are impacted by their parent’s affairs. In subsequent posts I will discuss the effects on adult children of affairs and offer suggestions for parents involved in affairs on how to best support their children through this difficult time. You may also wish to read about “Children of Affairs”. Many couples I see who are trying to work on healing from an affair

Why Do I Keep Obsessing Over the Affair?

Why Do I Keep Obsessing Over the Affair?

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Obsessing over a partner’s infidelity is a natural response to the trauma of discovery.  Most individuals find themselves unable, at times, to stop turning over in their minds the lies, snippets of conversation, unanswered questions and things that never  added up. Re-visualizing the same devastating images of the affair couple together is also very common.  Although this can be agonizing it is actually part of the healing process that will probably go on for some time. It might feel strange…

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About Conversations That Heal Affairs Part I

About Conversations That Heal Affairs Part I

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“We have the same conversations over and over.  She gets triggered and tells me about it.  She’s in a great deal of pain.  I listen and tell her I’m sorry. I am sympathetic.  Sometimes she even lets me hold her.  But we just keep going through the same events, the same emotions, just as intense, again and again. This feels like hell.  Will it never end?  Why isn’t she getting over it?”   This is where many couples who are attempting…

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Why “Being Good” Won’t Heal Your Affair

Why “Being Good” Won’t Heal Your Affair

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I don’t know why she can’t get over this. I ended the affair, have been spending much more time at home, doing more around the house, paying more attention to her, being more affectionate. I’ve told her I’m sorry and reassured her over and over that it was a mistake, that I love her and it will never happen again. I’m being so good! I don’t see why she won’t let it go! I’ve heard these bewildered voices countless times….

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Heading Towards an Affair?

Heading Towards an Affair?

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Of all of the people who show up for therapy struggling with some aspect of an affair, those in the infatuation, pre-affair (or maybe emotional affair) stage are the least likely to appear. This is such an important decision, you’d think one would seek assistance in reflecting on the implications of taking such a step. In fact, I expect that this post will generate many less readers than others I have written. Why is that?

Difficulties Couples Encounter Trying To Heal From An Affair

Difficulties Couples Encounter Trying To Heal From An Affair

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The revelation of an affair is frequently a shocking experience. In long-term relationships the fidelity of one’s partner is, more often than not, taken for granted, providing an emotional foundation for the couple. Trust and a sense of security rest on this foundation. Strength is derived from this secure bond. This strength enables each partner to function relatively smoothly in the world, and to be open to new and growthful experiences that life offers. If either partner has a history…

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What Happens to the Brain During an Affair?

What Happens to the Brain During an Affair?

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Affairs in film and television series are often portrayed as exciting adventures, fun and mischievous; a way of breaking free from oppression… a conduit to a joyful existence. Embarking on an affair can seem like a solution to marital difficulties that have led to boredom, depression, low self esteem or intense loneliness. The reality of the experience of an affair is almost always very different. The explosion of brain research in the last decade has shed light

Rebuilding Real, Deep Trust After the Affair

Rebuilding Real, Deep Trust After the Affair

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“How can I ever trust you again?” “How could I have ever trusted you?” “Trust me, this will never happen again.” “How can I win back your trust?” The sudden loss of trust is shocking. It may seem impossible to imagine ever regaining it. As important as it is, it is also true that before the discovery trust may have been something that was hardly ever spoken of. How often do spouses say something like, “I feel so much trust…

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Asian Americans and Affairs

Asian Americans and Affairs

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Over the years I have helped many Asian American couples heal from affairs. Many of the couples involved have been first or second generation Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese or South Korean. These are the Asian countries whose cultures are most organized around Confucian philosophy. Yet, when I ask, invariably, each person in the couple has never read any Confucian philosophy, even as a child. Even though Confucianism functions somewhat like a religion, it isn’t one. A religion has a godhead. Confucius…

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