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Category: About Affairs

Healing After Infidelity: The Importance of Finding Meaning in an Affair

Healing After Infidelity: The Importance of Finding Meaning in an Affair

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When couples get stuck trying to emerge from the emotional devastation of an affair, it feels awful. The same hurtful arguments are repeated over and over, resulting in scabs yet again being torn off emotional wounds, and new injuries being inflicted. After a while, it can seem like divorce is the only answer. It may feel counter-intuitive, but many couples do recover from the devastation of infidelity and go on to have a relationship that they never thought was possible….

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How Do Affairs Affect Children? Part I

How Do Affairs Affect Children? Part I

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In this post I will address how children are impacted by their parent’s affairs. In subsequent posts I will discuss the effects on adult children of affairs and offer suggestions for parents involved in affairs on how to best support their children through this difficult time. You may also wish to read about “Children of Affairs”. Many couples I see who are trying to work on healing from an affair

Why “Being Good” Won’t Heal Your Affair

Why “Being Good” Won’t Heal Your Affair

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I don’t know why she can’t get over this. I ended the affair, have been spending much more time at home, doing more around the house, paying more attention to her, being more affectionate. I’ve told her I’m sorry and reassured her over and over that it was a mistake, that I love her and it will never happen again. I’m being so good! I don’t see why she won’t let it go! I’ve heard these bewildered voices countless times….

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Difficulties Couples Encounter Trying To Heal From An Affair

Difficulties Couples Encounter Trying To Heal From An Affair

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The revelation of an affair is frequently a shocking experience. In long-term relationships the fidelity of one’s partner is, more often than not, taken for granted, providing an emotional foundation for the couple. Trust and a sense of security rest on this foundation. Strength is derived from this secure bond. This strength enables each partner to function relatively smoothly in the world, and to be open to new and growthful experiences that life offers. If either partner has a history…

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Rebuilding Real, Deep Trust After the Affair

Rebuilding Real, Deep Trust After the Affair

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“How can I ever trust you again?” “How could I have ever trusted you?” “Trust me, this will never happen again.” “How can I win back your trust?” The sudden loss of trust is shocking. It may seem impossible to imagine ever regaining it. As important as it is, it is also true that before the discovery trust may have been something that was hardly ever spoken of. How often do spouses say something like, “I feel so much trust…

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Asian Americans and Affairs

Asian Americans and Affairs

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Over the years I have helped many Asian American couples heal from affairs. Many of the couples involved have been first or second generation Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese or South Korean. These are the Asian countries whose cultures are most organized around Confucian philosophy. Yet, when I ask, invariably, each person in the couple has never read any Confucian philosophy, even as a child. Even though Confucianism functions somewhat like a religion, it isn’t one. A religion has a godhead. Confucius…

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What Type of Affair is This?

What Type of Affair is This?

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During the traumatic throes of the discovery of an affair, finding the right label, and therefore, singular explanation may feel like a life preserver. As you read through books and web sites, you’ve probably noticed that almost everyone who writes about affairs has some way of categorizing them. Here are some common examples:  “intimacy avoiding”, “anger avoiding”, “romantic”, “exit,” “split self”   “availability,” “alcoholic,” “retaliation, “revenge,” “sexual,” “culturally enabled,” “emotional,” “sex addiction,” proving you’re still attractive,” “can’t say no,””…. However, in…

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“Mad Men” in Affairs

“Mad Men” in Affairs

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“Men weren’t really the enemy – – they were fellow victims suffering from an outmoded masculine mystique that made them feel unnecessarily inadequate when there were no bears to kill”   Betty Friedan, Christian Science Monitor, April 1974 “Mad Men” portrays this “mystique” … women as subordinate and submissive, housewives, maybe secretaries, always standing behind their men, and only able to derive status from their husbands’ positions. The women who dared to deviate from this arrangement paid dearly (as did…

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Affair Proof Your Marriage?

Affair Proof Your Marriage?

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Can you?  Is this possible?  Many writers present plans that are supposed to be near fool-proof.  Some are aimed at husbands; some are aimed at wives.  Do this, be that way, and you can prevent your partner from straying.  It’s appealing, and, on the whole,