“I Told You If You Ever Have an Affair It’s Over!”…

you remind him, glaring.  And so begins many courses of marriage counseling.

It’s a predicament.  You’ve just found out you’ve been betrayed in the one way you vowed you would never tolerate.  This is awful enough.  But the idea of breaking a vow that you made to yourself, as well as your partner can be making you feel (more…)

Continue Reading“I Told You If You Ever Have an Affair It’s Over!”…

How to Help Your Partner Heal From Your Affair

The discovery of an affair is traumatic for everyone involved. However, there are important things you can do to help your partner heal over time.

It can be useful to think about trauma as something that actually wants to heal.  If provided with the appropriate conditions, it frequently does. Your partner  probably feel that his or her  world,  life,  identity, and  marriage has been shattered.  Natural reactions  include feeling betrayed, panicked, rageful and vengeful, and ultimately very deep, and previously unimaginable pain. I frequently hear “the ground opened up under me,” or (more…)

Continue ReadingHow to Help Your Partner Heal From Your Affair

I Just Found Out My Partner is Having an Affair!

Most likely, you are in shock and feel as if the floor has opened up under you. Suddenly, there is an emergency and a strong need to take some action right away; you may have already left or thrown your partner out, or you may feel on the verge of doing so. But this may not bring you any real relief.

Your sense of safety, of trusting your own experience, of your place in the world, has suddenly been shaken to the core and the person you usually turn to for help is the very person who is the cause! (more…)

Continue ReadingI Just Found Out My Partner is Having an Affair!

The Other Woman (or Man) – A Paradoxical Experience

If you are involved with a married person and reading this, chances are that you have already gone through the initial stage of infatuation and blinding bliss.  In this initial stage you have not wanted to think too deeply about the realities you have been creating in your life by pursuing this relationship.

But as things progress and the honeymoon period wears off, you start to have questions.  You bring them up to you lover, but most likely come away with answers that leave you only partially or not at all satisfied.  Here are some examples of questions that individuals in this situation find themselves asking.

Would they leave their spouse for you?

Do they really love you?

        Have they had other affairs?

How do they justify the affair in their mind?

Would  they cheat on you also?

Are they really not having sex with their spouse?

The strangeness of the situation cannot help but make you wonder what you really mean to your affair partner. Getting these answers can become more and more important as you become more involved and possibly obsessed with your lover. There is a point where you come to realize that you might not be  as central to them as they are to you.

Rona Subotnik illuminates a list of paradoxical realities that you may find yourself living with as the other person. Here is my version of her findings: (more…)

Continue ReadingThe Other Woman (or Man) – A Paradoxical Experience