The revelation of infidelity can bring  great emotional upheaval; everything suddenly feeling upside down and inside out.  The  relationship can feel shattered.  Yet, in spite of this, sometimes hope for the relationship’s survival  remains.  Many vow they would never stay with someone who crossed this line but when it’s real, it’s sometimes not that simple.    Sometimes, amidst  the relationship wreckage, love and passion survive.

Couples in this situation almost always experience changes in their sexual relationship.  Here are some common scenarios and the reasons behind them.

The person who had the affair is reluctant to engage in physical intimacy. 

  • They feel too guilty and undeserving.
  • They think they may have contracted an STD.
  • They have not completely  separated from their affair partner  on an emotional level and still feel torn even if they have made a decision that the marriage is more important.
  • The person who had the affair had felt sexually inadequate or not desired in the marriage to begin with.

The discoverer of the affair cannot stand the thought of reentering the sexual relationship.

  • They might not even be able to stand being touched by their partner.  The sexual relationship feels ruined now that someone else has intruded on it.  This can be an extremely intense feeling especially if the affair couple had sex in the married couple’s bed.
  • Withholding sex seems like a good punishment.
  • The discoverer of the affair is convinced that they are no longer genuinely desired.

The discoverer of the affair wants to resume sexual relations as soon as possible, and tries, but cannot bear the experience.  The encounter triggers flashback imagery of their partner being intimate with someone else.  Sexual encounters become emotionally charged scenes, sometimes resulting in conflict and/or tears.  One or both partners  may begin to avoid physical intimacy altogether.

The discoverer of the affair wants to have as much sex as possible.  This happens for many different reasons, but all have one thing in common.  These encounters are extremely intense, and frequently different in quality than before discovery. They can alternate with periods of sexual withdrawal.

  • Sexuality becomes a mode of expressing relief  that there are no more secrets.  The encounter feels more real and both partners feel much more present and closer than they have in a long time.
  • Revenge sex can  occur where the discoverer seeks to restore a sense of power, of having defeated the other person.  “You are mine, not theirs.”  Revenge sex can  take the form of a sudden interest in S/M, or a formerly timid or passive partner becoming aggressive and dominant.  This type of sexual encounter can feel confusing for the discovered, but also exciting.
  • Sex during this time can also be an act of desperation by the discoverer who might want to use it to get their partner to want them, and only them, once again.  It’s part of a bigger effort to make themselves more desirable.  The person who had the affair may feel the desperation and have their own reactions.  Sometimes both partners are desperate together.  They hope to restore their bond through their sexual encounters.  Usually they find out it’s going to take more than that.
  • Sex can actually become more exciting because it is now an encounter with someone who is, in a way, new.  It is true that one of the most painful parts of affair discovery is precisely this… of having thought you knew your partner but finding out you didn’t.  But in the midst of the devastation, or once the initial crisis is over, this “who are you?” experience can also spark new  interest.   It may sound strange, but sometimes the idea of a partner as someone novel can be very exciting.

What all of these alterations in sexuality have in common is that they are most likely temporary.  In my experience, for better or worse, after a number of months, the sexual relationship usually returns to the way it was before the affair was discovered.  Some couples can feel very disappointed when this happens because it is easy to believe, since the sex is so good, that the problem has gone away.  But sex alone can’t heal what has happened.

If you, or you and your partner, feel that you need assistance healing from an affair, and live in the SF Bay Area, feel free to contact me at (925) 948-0562 or