affair trauma Archives - About Affairs

Difficulties Couples Encounter Trying To Heal From An Affair

December 24, 2016 Susan Berger Comments 0 Comment

The revelation of an affair is frequently a shocking experience. In long-term relationships the fidelity of one’s partner is, more often than not, taken for granted, providing an emotional foundation for the couple. Trust and a sense of security rest on this foundation. Strength is derived from this secure bond. This strength enables each partner to function relatively smoothly in the world, and to be open to new and growthful experiences that life offers. If either partner has a history…

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Questions and More Questions About the Affair

July 5, 2013 Susan Berger Comments 10 comments

It might seem like the questions will never stop, or that there are no answers that can satisfy. However, there is a kind of “healing intelligence” behind these questions, and they usually occur in roughly the following sequence. Although there can be more than one motivation for asking a question, a bit of introspection will reveal the core of what you are searching for. Shock: “How could you do this!?” “How could this have happened!?” “Do you have any idea…

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“I Told You If You Ever Have an Affair It’s Over!”…

October 21, 2012 Susan Berger Comments 0 Comment

you remind him, glaring. And so begins many courses of marriage counseling. It’s a predicament. You’ve just found out you’ve been betrayed in the one way you vowed you would never tolerate. This is awful enough. But the idea of breaking a vow that you made to yourself, as well as your partner can be making you feel

Why Don’t I Want to Apologize for the Affair? Part II: Beliefs

February 18, 2012 Susan Berger Comments 10 comments

Everyone has their own personal beliefs about affairs. These beliefs can stem from how we saw adults around us behaving with each other during our childhood. They can stem from how our parents and other relatives talked about and regarded affairs, from the particular culture you grew up in, and your religious upbringing and beliefs. Sometimes beliefs about affairs are really rationalizations that allow the affair to go on. If you really believe these things, than you don’t feel that…

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Why Don’t I Want to Apologize for the Affair? Part I

January 29, 2012 Susan Berger Comments 0 Comment

It can be confusing to know that you have betrayed your partner’s trust, to see him or her so devastated, and yet be unable to feel true remorse. This lack of remorse can be the final nail in the coffin of a marriage. You can see that it leaves your partner feeling more betrayed, enraged, disgusted, and/or withdrawn. You can see their panic and feel the tenuous threads holding you together fraying. What you might not know or want to…

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How to Help Your Partner Heal From Your Affair

September 13, 2011 Susan Berger Comments 3 comments

The discovery of an affair is traumatic for everyone involved. However, there are important things you can do to help your partner heal over time. It can be useful to think about trauma as something that actually wants to heal. If provided with the appropriate conditions, it frequently does. Your partner probably feel that his or her world, life, identity, and marriage has been shattered. Natural reactions include feeling betrayed, panicked, rageful and vengeful, and ultimately very deep, and previously…

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Who Should I Tell About the Affair?

March 14, 2011 Susan Berger Comments 14 comments

Whether you are the other person, the discoverer, or the discovered, virtually all of your relationships have been altered by the affair. Especially at first, the impulse to keep the affair a secret is usually very strong. Certainly, the person having the affair doesn’t want anyone to know, and the secrecy can even add excitement to the affair relationship. However, if you are feeling conflicted about the affair, it may be painful

How Does Your Culture Affect Your Beliefs About Affairs?

January 21, 2010 Susan Berger Comments 13 comments

The following discussion is not meant to imply that all members of a particular culture experience affairs in any particular way. Extramarital affairs are most frequently experienced as completely traumatic and immoral in the United States. If a public figure strays from their marriage they are frequently disgraced and followers and fans can feel tremendously let down and disillusioned. If this person holds public office, their capacity to lead is frequently questioned, as is their entire character. A spouse who…

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How Do Affairs Affect Children? (Part II): Should We Tell Our Children?

February 7, 2009 Susan Berger Comments 12 comments

Your Role as Parents No matter how devastated you are, you are still faced with the task of keeping it together for the children. This can be a double-edged sword. The immediacy and sometimes enormity of children’s’ needs can function as a welcome distraction from the pain you are in on the one hand; on the other, you may be feeling depleted emotionally and physically and not have much to give. With regard to the latter, it is very tempting…

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Can Relationships That Start as Affairs Succeed?

February 18, 2008 Susan Berger Comments 539 comments

I came across an interesting statistic recently; 25% of relationships that start as affairs succeed. “Succeed” is defined as the couple staying together, rather than by the quality of the relationship. I was surprised by the statistic. If I had to guess, I would have thought the figure to be much lower. (For an update on this statistic go to “Can Relationships That Start as Affairs Succeed? Revisited”). But a statistic is just that, and doesn’t tell you anything…

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