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Why Do I Keep Obsessing Over the Affair?

Why Do I Keep Obsessing Over the Affair?

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Obsessing over a partner’s infidelity is a natural response to the trauma of discovery.  Most individuals find themselves unable, at times, to stop turning over in their minds the lies, snippets of conversation, unanswered questions and things that never  added up. Re-visualizing the same devastating images of the affair couple together is also very common.  Although this can be agonizing it is actually part of the healing process that will probably go on for some time. It might feel strange…

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How Can I Stop Obsessing Over the Affair?

How Can I Stop Obsessing Over the Affair?

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In order to help yourself when you can’t stop thinking about the affair, it is important to understand the different functions obsessing can serve in your healing process. My first and most important piece of advice is to try to stop beating yourself up for those times when you can’t stop going over the details, questions, lies, or things that just don’t add up, over and over again. (For more about lying click here.) It is important to understand that …

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The Seven “R’s” of Healing an Affair

The Seven “R’s” of Healing an Affair

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You might be surprised  at how upset your partner is about your affair.    The amount of rage directed at you can be overwhelming.   Your spouse’s depression and withdrawal may be highly anxiety provoking.  Although you both might want to work it out, you can find yourselves tossed about in  a turbulent sea of emotions.  You may feel desperate for a way to fix things,

“How Can I Believe Him When He Says He’s Not Having an Affair?”

“How Can I Believe Him When He Says He’s Not Having an Affair?”

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It can be completely crazy-making to feel like you cannot get at the truth. Something doesn’t feel right between the two of you, he’s not around as much as he used to be, not as interested in you. You suspect he might be seeing someone else. You demand he look you straight in the eye and tell you this isn’t so. He does. Can you be certain you now know? Not according to

What Type of Affair is This?

What Type of Affair is This?

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During the traumatic throes of the discovery of an affair, finding the right label, and therefore, singular explanation may feel like a life preserver. As you read through books and web sites, you’ve probably noticed that almost everyone who writes about affairs has some way of categorizing them. Here are some common examples:  “intimacy avoiding”, “anger avoiding”, “romantic”, “exit,” “split self”   “availability,” “alcoholic,” “retaliation, “revenge,” “sexual,” “culturally enabled,” “emotional,” “sex addiction,” proving you’re still attractive,” “can’t say no,””…. However, in…

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“Mad Men” in Affairs

“Mad Men” in Affairs

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“Men weren’t really the enemy – – they were fellow victims suffering from an outmoded masculine mystique that made them feel unnecessarily inadequate when there were no bears to kill”   Betty Friedan, Christian Science Monitor, April 1974 “Mad Men” portrays this “mystique” … women as subordinate and submissive, housewives, maybe secretaries, always standing behind their men, and only able to derive status from their husbands’ positions. The women who dared to deviate from this arrangement paid dearly (as did…

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Questions and More Questions About the Affair

Questions and More Questions About the Affair

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It might seem like the questions will never stop, or that there are no answers that can satisfy.  However, there is a kind of “healing intelligence” behind these questions, and they usually occur in roughly the following sequence.  Although there can be more than one motivation for asking a question, a bit of introspection will reveal the core of what you are searching for. Shock:  “How could you do this!?”  “How could this have happened!?”  “Do you have any idea…

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Forgiving an Affair

Forgiving an Affair

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You’re all over the place emotionally; enraged, hurt, humiliated, terrified and very confused.  How could this have happened?  It couldn’t have.  But it did!  But it couldn’t have.  This can’t be real.  It happens to other people.  But it did happen.  It happened to us!  But it couldn’t have… You might start to wonder what you did to cause this.  The answer is you didn’t cause it.  But still… 

Affair Proof Your Marriage?

Affair Proof Your Marriage?

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Can you?  Is this possible?  Many writers present plans that are supposed to be near fool-proof.  Some are aimed at husbands; some are aimed at wives.  Do this, be that way, and you can prevent your partner from straying.  It’s appealing, and, on the whole,