Are you left wondering how this could have happened?  Being the other person is a very unique experience that frequently comes with emotionally intense highs and lows.  Questions arise about whether this relationship is good for you.  The answer can swing wildly from yes to no and back again, depending on how important you perceive you are to your affair partner at any given moment. The truth is that your experience of the affair is a paradoxical one… where, for example, you can feel both cherished and devalued.  The social isolation that is frequently required to keep the affair going can make things even more painful.

It’s common for people in your situation to feel like they’ll never find anyone else, so why not settle for what is.  A kind of resignation can set in. You might feel like you don’t have what it takes to change anything.

Therapy can help you develop a new relationship with yourself.  Coming to understand on a deeper level what’s already happened and what continues to happen can help you progress toward feeling more confident and free to stand up for and act in your own best interests. You can gain an understanding of your deepest needs and beliefs about yourself which can set you on a life course that feels full of potential.

I am a psychotherapist with 38 years of experience assisting individuals and couples with their relationships. You can reach me at (925) 948-0562 or email me at When reaching out, please indicate the best times to reach you in person. If you want to meet with me and are outside of the San Francisco Bay Area, I do offer tele-therapy sessions for individuals. If you would like to find someone in your area there is a geographical listing of therapists who work effectively with affairs on my “Links” page.